MSPA fan-fiction

[northernVehemence]

I've gone on, um, a few. Maybe that's why I like gamzee so much. :O

A-anyway.

Looking forward to seeing the collab!

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haha, I was actually on one when I was writing that. Points for authenticity I guess??

don't do drugs, kids.

[JudgeDeadd]

Not sure how I came up with this one.

Evil Bitch

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Terezi was walking around the room to and fro in frustration, teeth grinded, arms quivering. She was currently being harassed by a person most vile, a malfeasant calling herself Conscience. Every troll has this rude bit of atavism lodged deep inside their minds, but the daily sleep in the sopor slime usually takes care of this enemy within, just like it does away with other primal tendencies. And it usually works, but recently, this little bitch popped up again unexpectedly, harassing Terezi throughout the day. Perhaps there was something wrong with her sleep patterns? How else to explain this onslaught of a foe who mocked, who accused? Especially the latter frustrated Terezi: she was the one to accuse the guilty, not the other way round!

So, have you been thinking about them lately? The whisper may have been only in her head, but it felt almost material. If audible, it would be infinitely frustrating: speaking in such condescending a tone that listening invites beautiful thoughts of murder.

“About who?” Terezi muttered.

Your victims. You know. The ones you killed. So many of them. You lost count.

“Would you please quit that? You know I only agreed to give the bad guys over to that stupid spider of hers. Not my fault she lied to me all the time and just fed everyone, even the less bad ones, to her dumb fat mom.”

Really. It’s all her, you are a paragon of innocence. It’s a pathetic lie and deep inside you know that very well. For one, after her first insincerity, you should know better than to believe her. But you still decided to trust her. You had reasons to believe she just sent everyone to their doom instead of letting them go after a lost game, but never bothered to check. Out of sight – out of mind – out of... conscience! A perfect ploy, or so you thought. But you cannot really cheat yourself.

“Shut up. Look, I had better things to do than stalk her all the time and see what’s she doing. I have a life, you know. Am I supposed to distrust everybody or what? Everyone lies sometimes, that’s no reason to be all paranoid towards them.“

What sound reasoning. What great answer to my – your! – doubts. Let’s get to the subject of the ‘bad guys’, as you call them. How did you come up with this classification? Who were your ‘bad guys’?

“Look, some people just plain aren’t that valuable. Sorry if it bothers your stupid stinky conscientious self, but it’s overall better for the world if they die. And most of the people we played against were indeed better dead than alive.”

Really. Did you make that kind of assessments before or during the games? Or did you retroactively apply that label to them after you began to suspect, or know of, their death? You know the answer very well. Take that girl, for example. You know who I’m talking about. The one in the nerdy glasses. How’d you come to the conclusion that she was a ‘bad guy’?

“I...” Come to think of it, she couldn’t remember. But it didn’t matter. Seriously, what was this stupid whispery bitch expecting from her? To keep a detailed mental dossier for every single punk who crosses her path?

Sigh. It was so simple. The very fact that she though that girl to be bad implied that she, Terezi, had a reason to do so. So what if she couldn’t recall that reason? There had to be some good one. It’s basic logic. Everyone can do that. Expect for consciences, it seems. All the more reason not to listen to them. Terezi 1, Conscience 0.

She really needed to get her mind off these bastards she offed so spectacularly along with Vriska. Maybe her scalemates would comfort her. For example – Lemonsnout. He smelled so good. One of her favorites. Come here, little boy!

She hugged the yellow plushie and stroked his head. The jagged shapes reminded her of something...

He had weird, funky horns in this very shape. A curious first name he had. Osandi. You remember him?

“No, not at all, get the hell away from me forever. Just go and die.”

Just for the record: I am not going to stop. You know you remember his eyes. And there was something in the way he moved. And in his face. A cute one. You even said it aloud. To him. He smiled.

“That was when I still had my stupid old vision.” She loved her new world of scents and flavors. Now that she was like this, she could judge people better. Smell their lies, taste their true natures.

He smiled.

“Shut up.”

Smiled. And later died. I wonder if he thought of your own smile when he was struggling in the web. It took you a bit longer to decide unanimously that he was a ‘bad guy’.

“Just shut up! Hey, wait, I know... look at this!” So that evil bitch was trying to play on her emotions, right? Very well, Terezi Pyrope shall counter that with scientific methods.

She took a sheet of paper and a handful of crayons, and divided the paper into two halves. One side was the “Good” things about Osandi, the other, “Bad”. She began filling out the two columns. Certainly, once she’s finished, Conscience will have to face the hard facts: this fellow’s negative traits outweighed the alleged positive.

Let’s see. He was... okay, was kind of nice. And kind of funny. And interested in the law, just like her! Oh, okay, that “Good” column was a bit longer than expected. But wait ‘til you see the “Bad”, you little punk. Who’ll be snickering then?

He was quite rebellious. Spoke against the obligatory genetic contributions. He even mentioned something about the trial procedure being too weighed against the accused. Oh, and he tossed a bottle on the ground. She hated littering. Anyone who pollutes forests deserves punishment.

Terezi examined the table. The “Good” column dwarfed the “Bad”. Her heart sunk a bit.

What a stupid waste of time! Seriously, what kind of a dumb idea is that? To measure a person’s worth with some crappy doodles? The results are completely meaningless. Heck, she could probably make such a table for the worst, most evil person ever and the columns would look similar. Obviously, she had no time to do this pointless thing for real, but perfectly knew it would turn out like this. She angrily rolled the sheet into a ball and tossed it violently out of the window.

I wonder how would he smell to you today if he was alive.

Argh, will she ever shut up! Terezi picked up Lemonsnout again. Come to think of it, his scent of lemons clashed quite a bit with the rest of the room. And there was something weird about him now. She stroked his head again, and once more: a sinking feeling in her heart. Yes, definitely something despicable within him.

In fact, she might as well get rid of him. No point in keeping useless trash in the room.

“His Honorable Tyranny presides! The accused: Senator Lemonsnout, a prime example of detestability!”

Time to prove that he is indeed a bad guy. Terezi 2. Evil bitch 0.

[orngjce223]

What the hell am I doing?

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tea party

Oh, the hands of Zazzerpan!

It wasn't that Rose wasn't comfortable at a tea party - quite the contrary, as she had been tutored by etiquette consultants and sent to formal cotillions by her ridiculous mother - it was that Rose wasn't comfortable at a tea party where the other inhabitants were, for lack of a better term, monsters. Not even the eldritch abominations she liked; they had grey skin, and orange horns, and sharp teeth, and they apparently hadn't the slightest idea that it wasn't the point of a tea party to provide their own drinks. One particularly putrid tendril of scent reached up into her nose, tickling her olfactory bulb until she exhaled in disgust.

"Equius, don't you have deodorant where you come from?"

"This is deodorant," huffed the troll - Equius - who apparently knew nothing of covering up one's smells but rather reveled in his incredible odor, as if a savage tribesman in the untamed jungles.

Rose sighed. What, exactly, was the point of having a tea party when nobody else involved even cared for the most basic of courtesies? But the one with the curled horns had insisted it was destined, so the party was dutifully arranged, the lacy tablecloth and fine china alchemized from photographic samples, the tea one of her mother's finest.

And the chairs, scavenged from around the Veil. The sweaty one had asked for a steel cup, which was offered and promptly used to hold some strange otherworldly drink that Rose had never heard of. It was introduced to her as "mud" and Rose wasn't about to try it, given that it issued from a machine that looked suspiciously organic.

Then again, Rose supposed, the tea probably looked and smelled atrocious to the aliens and her teapot was just as untrustworthy a device.

The blind one let out a long, grating laugh. "1T R3M1NDS M3 OF TH3 TROLL D3L1C4CY OF ST33PED LE4V3S." Was Terezi kidding, or obstinate, or simply unaware? Rose's grudge from those four months of being trapped in the hopeless situation had not entirely faded, and Rose responded with more force than strictly necessary.

"These are steeped tea leaves. That's why it's called tea."

[JudgeDeadd]

Ahahah that is great.

[Varkarrus]

Someone should write a fanfic which is actually a mary-sue zazzerpan fanfic by Rose.

How meta can we get?

[The Idiotic Oracle]

I declare someone must write an awkward/awful MPREG with this as the result: http://i431.photobucket.com/albums/q...rkateplus8.png


Hilarity ensues.

[PaulPower]

@ JudgeDeadd: Nice one. Terezi's definitions of innocence and guilt and whether she has pangs of conscience for those she's sent to be eaten by Spidermom make for an interesting subject.

Funnily enough, I've just done a Terezi piece too, although it's a pesterlog with John. You may have noticed that rather than writing in a sane and linear fashion, I tend to construct this stuff piecemeal, zooming back and forth along the timeline. If I were a Troll I'd be sooooo annoying. This is set between Light and Savior of the Waking World and will probably end up being part of something longer eventually.

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GC: H3Y JOHN HOWS 1T GO1NG
EB: oh, hi.
GC: YOU W3NT B4CK TO YOUR PL4N3T TH3N
GC: D1DNT YOU L1K3 L4LOND3S? >:|
EB: no, it was actually pretty cool! thanks for the tip!
EB: but i had to come back to my house to save jade.
EB: well, actually my dreamself woke up and this rocketboard just sort of piloted me back to my house while i was asleep.
EB: but i wanted to go back and save her anyway so.
GC: OH OK
EB: actually i've been meaning to ask you about that.
EB: i got back to my planet via a pretty long-winded route.
EB: teleportery pad thing to the veil, rocketboard back to my planet while i was asleep.
EB: but you said i could go straight back if i wanted to.
EB: so i'm guessing that means if i'd gone back through rose's gate 2 over her house, i'd have reappeared at gate 2 on my planet.
GC: Y34H TH4TS R1GHT
EB: so if i went through gate 2 over my house...
EB: i'd appear at jade's gate 2 on her planet?
GC: GOT 1T 1N ON3
GC: 1TS PR3TTY N34T L1K3 TH4T
GC: W3D N3V3R H4V3 B33N 4BL3 TO G3T 4LL TW3LV3 OF US TOG3TH3R W1THOUT TH4T SORT OF TH1NG
EB: this explains a lot about how rose and dave got about the place in the other timeline
EB: where jade couldn't get into the medium and make the gates over her house because...
GC: JOHN
GC: LOOK 1 R3ALLY 4M SORRY 4BOUT TH4T
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO PUN1SH SOM3ON3
GC: FOR TH3 SH1TTY S1TUT4T1ON THAT W3V3 4LL GOT OURS3LV3S 1N
GC: PUN1SH1NG TH3 GU1LTYS K1ND4 MY TH1NG
GC: BUT FUNN1LY 3NOUGH 1 DONT L1K3 1T WH3N TH3 1NNOC3NT G3T HURT
EB: so you reckon i'm innocent now?
GC: B4S1C4LLY Y34H
GC: OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3 D4V3 M4D3 FOR 4 PR3TTY GOOD CH4R4CT3R W1TN3SS
GC: 4CTU4LLY YOU K1ND4 R3M1ND M3 OF 4 GUY 1 KNOW
GC: 3XC3PT M4YB3 4 B1T L3SS W3T
EB: yeah but all that really means is that you're not going to try and kill me any more.
EB: what about jade?
EB: a lot of this stuff is kinda her fault...
GC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT H3R
GC: K4RK4TS GOT H3R C4S3
GC: 4ND H3 DO3SNT W4NT M3 1NT3RF3R1NG >;]
EB: karkat?
GC: OH R1GHT Y34H TH4TS CGS R34L N4M3
GC: 1M T3R3Z1 BY TH3 W4Y
EB: never really thought of you guys having names before.
EB: but i guess that's just me not thinking outside of my miniscule cultural bubble.
EB: sorry.
GC: TH4TS OK4Y 1 FORG1V3 YOU
GC: S33 LOOK HOW TOL3R4NT 4ND UND3RST4ND1NG 1 4M B31NG
GC: L1K3 YOUR
EB: like my earth jegus, yeah i know.
GC: BUT Y34H 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO K1LL H3R
GC: L3TS F4C3 1T 1TD B3 PR3TTY FUT1L3 G1V3N 1T S33MS 1TS 4LL M34NT TO H4PP3N TH1S W4Y
GC: 4ND W3 DONT G3T TO S33 TH3 FRU1TS OF 4NY D3V14T1ONS FROM 1T
GC: WH1CH 1S PR3TTY D3PR3SS1NG
GC: BUT H3Y M4YB3 1F W3 G1V3 YOU ADV1C3 NOW YOULL B3 4BL3 TO F1X TH1NGS 4FT3R TH3 R1FT
EB: you don't think this rift thing is the end then?
GC: HON3STLY 1 DONT KNOW
GC: M4YB3 W3 4LL D13 4T TH3 R1FT
GC: BUT M4YB3 1T JUST M34NS TH4T W3 C4NT S33 4NYTH1NG B3YOND TH4T PO1NT B3C4US3 C4US4L1TY BR34KS DOWN OR SOM3TH1NG
EB: don't you mean smell? ;)
GC: H4H4H4H4 N1C3 ON3 JOHN YOU B34T M3 4T MY OWN G4M3 TH3R3
GC: BUT Y34H 1 GU3SS YOU M4Y 4S W3LL B3 OPT1M1ST1C 4BOUT TH1S OR 3LS3 WH4TS TH3 PO1NT?
GC: W41T WH4T W3R3 W3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT
EB: two-way gates.
EB: basically i'm looking to get the four of us together.
EB: dave's already reached jade's planet, and if i can get there by going backwards through a gate then that saves me a lot of trouble.
GC: SOUNDS L1K3 4 PL4N
GC: BUT WH4T 4BOUT L4LOND3?
EB: yeah, rose is going to be the tricky one.
EB: she can't go via dave's planet because it's toast.
EB: she could go via mine by doing the cycle in reverse.
EB: although...
EB: i've just had a disturbing thought.
EB: if jack wanted to cause maximum trouble for us.
EB: then he'd want to take out two planets opposite each other in the gate cycle.
EB: which would basically make the gates completely useless.
EB: and the planet opposite dave's is... well, mine.
GC: H4NG ON L3T M3 JUST CH3CK TH3 T1M3L1N3S
GC: Y34H YOUR3 R1GHT H3 DO3S 4TT4CK YOUR PL4N3T N3XT
EB: actually that's kind of a relief.
GC: R3L13F?
EB: well, all i have to do is head up to gate 2 over my house and i'm with jade and dave.
EB: although rose might be more of a problem.
GC: SH3S GOT THOS3 W4NDS SH3 C4N T4K3 C4R3 OF H3RS3LF
GC: SH3LL PROB4BLY PCHOOOOO H3R W4Y 4CROSS TH3 M3D1UM W1TH TH3M OR SOM3TH1NG
EB: hehe, yeah, maybe.
EB: oh wait hang on!
GC: ?
EB: the salamanders!
EB: if jack destroys my planet, they'll all die! :(
GC: SO? TH3YR3 JUST CONSORTS
GC: YOU DONT 3V3N C4R3 4BOUT TH31R STUP1D QU3STS
EB: i guess not, but i don't want them to die.
EB: none of this is their fault.
EB: maybe i can get rose to build stairs up to my house for them!
EB: then they can escape to jade's planet with me!
GC: WH4T
EB: brb, i need to talk to her.
GC: JOHN?
GC: JOHN???
GC: F1GUR3S
GC: 1 B3T T4VROS WOULDV3 DON3 TH3 S4M3

[Beep]

@PaulPower: John = human Tavros. Yesssss.

That was fun to read. :33

[northernVehemence]

HEY JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW VAGABONDRAISER WROTE A TOTALLY BADASS FIC TO GO ALONG WITH MY PICTURES.

YOU SHOULD ALL VIEW IT HERE.

IT IS BADASS.

[Beep]

Viewed it. Loved it.

[Graven_Image]

You had me hooked from the first word. Then you said "Eternia." And then I said, "Awww snap."

Best rom com ever.

[Ember]

Sarasvati I know that I am once again late but if this is what you do when you are sleep-deprived you should totally just stop sleeping.

Well, no, don't do that. :P Take care of yourself, babe. It's just that I am in awe here. Prose-poems are breathtaking when done well, and this is done very well.

[Sushi Database]

If there's one troll/human pairing I truly ship, it's Dave/Terezi. Awesome job guys.

[JudgeDeadd]

HEY JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW VAGABONDRAISER WROTE A TOTALLY BADASS FIC TO GO ALONG WITH MY PICTURES.

YOU SHOULD ALL VIEW IT HERE.

IT IS BADASS.

AWESOME THAT IS

OH MY why am I enjoying that, I'm supposed to be stoic, YET WHO CARES.

----
Me-time!

So I decided to try my typing hand at this meme where you listen to 10 random songs and write short pieces of fiction while listening to them, and you have until the song ends to do that.

But no, this wouldn’t work. Instead I just kind of used each song as a basis to think a very basic skeleton of a premise and then flesh it out in peace. Sorry, but I just can’t stand unpolished prose. So it’s not exactly like the meme; rather, a short exercise inspired by the meme.

And then I reviewed the selection and culled the bad ones, so only 4 remain.

Four Tunes

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1. Festival of Stars – Chrono Trigger soundtrack

“Over there, John!” Jade grabbed the bespectacled boy, who was enthralled by the merriment of the carnival, and dragged him through the small crowd gathered around a strength tester machine.

The operator looked at the new arrival. “So eager to try the device, boy? You might have a hard time with these flabby muscles of yours, but anyone is free to try!” He gave John the hammer and pointed to a lever. “Strike this, see how strong you are, and you may very well win a prize for your cute companion!” Jade giggled.

“Okay,” John began, “but I will use my own hammer.”

“Oh? Fine... The rules do not forbid this. Then take it out and...”

“This hammer”, John said simply and got his weapon out of the Sylladex. The crowd gasped. Even Jade was taken aback: “You kept this from the Medium? The... Fear No Anvil?”

A minute later, they were walking away, Jade happily hugging the top prize, a giant-sized Squiddle almost as large as her.

2. Flight of the Bumblebee

The beach looked so beautiful; amidst the golden sand, here and there colorful shells flashed, and down beyond the cliff was the surface of the ocean – blue, relaxing, lustre. A majestic whale was swimming within, inviting with its smile.

“Go on!” the beautiful mermaid behind him urged. “Dive!”

The young troll eagerly proceeded forward. Only one thing spoiled the mood: a tiny voice in the back of his head was telling him lies, claiming the inviting ocean to be a web and painting the whale the colors of an enormous spider, and pointing out the mermaid’s misshapen and grimly familiar horns.

But the youngster threw away these niggling doubts and threw himself down into the water. It seemed strangely sticky when he touched down, and a moment later it didn’t look like water at all.

The spidermom aimed carefully and brought her leg down on the newest victim. She always killed them; she’d never eat anyone alive. That would be cruel and brutal, and she had a kid to take care of; she had to set a good example.

3. In Tents – Duke Nukem 3D soundtrack

Aradia, armed with a flashlight, glanced around the newest discovery with typical archaeological curiosity.

Another ancient temple, devoted presumably to incomprehensible gods and ruthless forces of nature, or whatever people of that era believed. But in the middle, there was the most interesting feature: a stack of some colorful objects. Presumably more of these mysterious Artifacts, which the few trolls aware of their existence pointed out as evidence of extraplanetary beings visiting Alternia in forgotten prehistory. Of course, now that the Alternian Empire ruled several star systems and a multitude of sentient species, the word “aliens” did not excite as much as it presumably did a thousand or two years ago, so not many paid attention to these theories.

Aradia inspected the stash. It seemed to be a collection of primitive idols; each of them a likeness of some semi-humanoid entity, carved – no; sewn in plush. Years have darkened the colors, but the shapes were still recognizable. The figures had extraordinarily long noses, disproportionately jutting out buttocks, and apparently no arms.

And strangely, even though in years of exploring she’s gotten used to the eerie – these primitive depictions still unsettled Aradia. They had an aura of... wrongness around them; as if remnants of some dark rituals, too dark even for the mind of a speaker with the dead.

4. Symphony No. 25 in G Minor – W. A. Mozart

Crowbar couldn’t believe his eyes. Neither could Trace, or Itchy, or others. Every single of the 14 men stared, spellbound, at the spectacle before their eyes. (But not Snowman, who seemed disinterested, bored even.) Each of them routinely did the impossible himself, but what was unfolding now was unlike anything they’d seen before.

Doc Scratch – standing in front of what was a few minutes ago an empty clearing on the outskirts of an old burnt forest – looked like an orchestra conductor; his arms moved left to right, up and down, now in smooth motion, now brusquely.

And the bricks, the wood, the glass, all floating in a formless maelstrom, obeyed him; where he pointed, they settled in perfect discipline. There, a small vortex of stone formed an ornament over the window which, too, assembled itself a moment ago; elsewhere, a balcony emerged from a dance of planks and metal bars. Before their eyes, a humungous mansion rose, piece by piece; and as every bit fell into place, it turned a deep green.

“That will be the Felt Manor,” announced Scratch without interrupting his work. “Here you will live, serve and obey your master – and, obviously, reap the profits you deserve.”

“But why is it green?” someone asked.

“Too bright. It hurts my eyes,” complained another.

Doc answered, “It is the mightiest color of the spectrum. It is the color of Guardians; and thus, mine. It is the color of omnipotence; and it shall also be your color...”

They shouted in surprise as their clothes and bodies lost old shades, replaced by bright green.

“...From now on, you are no longer mere gangsters, tricksters wasting their commendable mastery of time-space on petty personal gain and hilarity. You have a new purpose: small, yet vital cogs in the fate of the entire universe. There is no turning back.“

[Graven_Image]

Those were pretty great, JudgeDeadd. There's one line I think you missed in the first, though...

"IT'S SO FLUFFY!"

[paperandpencil]

nV/VR= OTP! When it comes to creating fantastic things for the HS fandom, at least.

[kmsumrall]

I need to get working on my collab with nv, then.

[raequiem]

Hey, my first ever Homestuck fic!

In a conversation about the latest update, the topic of "Eridan goes to Karkat for relationship help for some reason" came up. So I wrote it. It's crap, but there you go.

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caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CA: heyy
CA; hey kar
CA; karkat
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, ERIDAN?
CG: I'M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING
CG: TRYING TO NOT DIE, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
CA: i just havve a question
CA: you knoww anythin about relationships
CA; because i think i screwwed this one up
CG: OH FUCK.
CG: THIS IS ABOUT THE THING WITH FEFERI, ISN'T IT?
CG: I FUCKING KNEW IT.
CA: wwhat
CA: howw did you find out
CG: SHE TOLD KANAYA WHO TOLD SOLLUX WHO TOLD ME.
CA: oh fuck
CA: wwhy are you all such gossips
CA: noww all you filthy landdwwellers know what a fuckup i am at redrom
CA: swweet troll jegus fuck my life
CA: y67tg6bhjui9853ty
CA: that wwas my face slammin into the keyboard
CG: HEY, CALM DOWN THERE.
CG: DON'T GIVE YOURSELF A BRAIN INJURY.
CA: wwhy not
CA: i obviously dont havve a brain
CA: or i wwouldnt have said wwhat i did to her
CG: WELL, FOR STARTERS, WE NEED YOU ALIVE FOR THE GAME.
CG: AND YES, YOU ARE INDEED A FUCKUP AT REDROM.
CA: is this supposed to be helpful
CA: because you're doin a great job at making me feel so much fuckin better
CA: the next troll doctor phil right here
CG: DO YOU WANT MY ADVICE OR NOT?
CA: i guess it couldnt possibly make this situation any wworse
CA: havve at it
CG: OKAY, HERE GOES.
CG: FIRST OFF, YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH.
CG: SHE DUMPS YOU AS A MOIRAIL AND IMMEDIATELY YOU ASK HER TO BE YOUR MATESPRIT?
CG: SMOOTH MOVE, PAL.
CG: BESIDES, YOU TWO HAVE BEEN MOIRAILS SINCE YOU WERE GRUBS.
CG: SUCKS TO SAY, BUT SHE PROBABLY NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF YOU THAT WAY.
CA: again makin me feel so much less like shit right noww
CA; you are the best at relationship advvice evver
CG: HEY, YOU CAME TO ME, REMEMBER?
CG: EITHER SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE IT OR GO AWAY.
CG: I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT ANYWAY.
CA: no wwait
CA: as much as it pains me to say it
CA: i really do need your help
CA: wwhat should i do
CG: I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
CG: THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY FUCKED YOUR CHANCES WITH HER OUT THE WINDOW.
CG: SAY GOODBYE TO THAT ONE, BUDDY.
CG: AND YOU REALLY DO HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.
CA: the good newws better be really fuckin amazin
CG: WAIT, FIRST MORE BAD NEWS. I LIKE THIS PART.
CG: THERE ARE ONLY FIVE OTHER GIRLS LEFT OF OUR SPECIES,
CG: AND TWO OF THEM ARE ALREADY MATESPRITS WITH OTHER GUYS,
CG: AND ONE OF THEM LIKES GIRLS.
CA: karkat tell me the good newws or i swwear i wwill harpoon your lowwblooded ass
CG: THE GOOD NEWS,
CA: yes
CG: IS THAT YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH TEREZI AND NEPETA.
CA: what
CG: OR YOU COULD GO THE OTHER WAY.
CG: I THINK GAMZEE MIGHT BE KIND OF INTO THAT STUFF.
CG: AND HEY, HIS BLOOD IS ALMOST AS SHINY PURPLE AS YOURS.
CA: you gutterblooded son of a wwhore

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: OH MY GOD, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Thanks for the coloring advice, Saras!

[Roflstilzken]

Hey
hey guys? I has problem.

As some of you may know, there is a monstrosity that spawned from a joke known as "ZARK AND DM", that only existed because of these forums AAAAAAAAND I have already posted stupid stuff on this thread that was about these forums, but I think this is stretching a bit too far.

HOWEVER, I'M POST IT ANYWAY!!

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Teh adventures Zark and DM
Chapters: 1/413 "lady story thing"
I AM ZARK AND DM I AM THE FLOOPER SCOOPER HURADEDUPER OF MY NIPPLE TITS OF AMERICA PLASE TO MEET YOU I ARE THE HAVING REQUESTING FROM MY ASS, JO, FOR THE TALKING WALKING PALKING FOCKING WITH YOUR CORNFACE AND MY FEET ARE TANKS HOW ARE YOU DOING? seeing my bf off to work then going back to sleep IS THIS BF A SAMMICHPANIC INSIDE OF YOUR LOWERASSTESTINEHOLE THAT I MAY PROCURE INTO A HAPPY ENDING? OR ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO YOUR REFRIGERATOR? I AM VERY OFFENDED BY YOUR WORDS OF THE BFFFFFFFFFFUAAUAUAUAUAAUAUA IN MY P[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS

WHAT IS THIS RAPPING I HAVE NOT DONE THE RAPPING IN PAPPING FOR YOUR NAPPING TODAY MAY I TELL YOU A STORY

ONCE UPON A NEENERFLIPPER DIPPER I ATE A CORNHUSK FROM YM ASS MY ASS IS JO. ONE DAY, JO WASN'T MY ASS MY ASS WAS MORE LIKE MY BFFFFFFEFEFEFEEFF SO ANYWAY WE WENT ON A BUTT AND SAILED THE PALE MALE WHALE TRAIL IN ORDER TO CULL SOME GONADS BUT THEN MY FRIEND, CLORIN POURIN SOME JELLY IN MY CORNDOG BECAME SERGANT DOUCHEBAG AND SHE RIPPED OFF MY SIX P[ACK OF CAMBEL'S CHICKEN NOODLE CRACK BABIES ANDF I WENT TO SAVE THE CHILDREN OF NEW YORK CITY

what happened to the new york kids

THEY WEREN'T KIDDIE DIDDIES BUT MOAR LIKE UNDERWARE BUT IT WAS OKAY BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SAME THING AND I UNF'D UNF'D MY SNF'D SNF'D ALL OVER MY BF'D BF'D AND THEN HE BECAME A HORSE THE HORSE WAS MY ASS MY ASS, TOTALLY, WAS THE CHILD IN THE FIRE

SHE LET MY PUT MY KARKEYS INTO HER SPIDERBUS SO WE COULD VROOM VROOM TO DAIRY QUEEN TO BEAT UP ZARKLES MLARKES FO FUCKLES BECAUSE WE ARE LIVING IN THE CITY IT FEELS SO RIGHT OH BB WON'T YOU BE MY GIRL ADUNDUDNDUNDUDNDUDNDUNDNDUDNUDUND AND THAT IS HOW YOU AND I GOT MARRIED
the end
-poof-
NOPE I R NINJA YOU CAN'T SEE ME WUT R U DOIN I SAID YOU CANT SDEE ME WTF U R CHEETER I AM TELLING MOMMYKINS JEGUS FDUCKING CHRIST ON MY JO ASSHOLE

If you don't feel it belongs in here, then just go here and... whatever.
Have a good day~

[complexTalent]

Hey, my first ever Homestuck fic!

In a conversation about the latest update, the topic of "Eridan goes to Karkat for relationship help for some reason" came up. So I wrote it. It's crap, but there you go.

Followed this from the chat thread, it is delightful. "I THINK GAMZEE MIGHT BE KIND OF INTO THAT STUFF."

My face for the whole thing ==>

[sarasvati]

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rA: <3 <3 <3 and I know, that panel always gets me too. D:

Ember: someday I will just slowly turn myself into a cyborg and do away with the whole "sleeping" business altogether. or maybe go into a field specifically for late afternoon/evening hours. why do I do my best writing between 12 and 6 AM? fffff. but no, really, thank you so much. <3

JudgeDeadd: did...did you just get me to kind of sympathize with Terezi a little bit? I liked this; it put an interesting and pretty compelling spin on why Terezi plays her wacky courtroom drama scenarios and mutilates her stuffed animals. also I thought the first bit of your music meme was so cute just because that song makes me nostalgic and I had it playing in my head the whole time reading it. :x

Paul: even though I kind of want to choke Terezi, it's awesome to see those two interacting, mostly because John makes it kind of heartwarming just by being him. John is so pro at forgiveness. very cute.

VB and nV: I could never ship it, but that was pretty awesome. you guys did such an excellent job together! :D

raequiem: okay this made me crack up. I felt pretty bad for Eridan in the last update and this made me feel even worse for him but at least I laughed during it. CG: WAIT, FIRST MORE BAD NEWS. I LIKE THIS PART. XDXDXD oh karkat.

also you can get the text colors off of any page with their dialogue, just view source with your browser and grab the number in the html. the new forum software is weird because it will automatically display color names (and I think I saw RGB values??) instead of the hex code, but whatever's between parentheses can be replaced by a hex code and it'll spit out the right color all the same.

[paperandpencil]

Oh man that fic satisfied my hunger for Karkat-Eridan interaction! Whoooo life is good again~
ALSO THIS

CA: the good newws better be really fuckin amazin

a) made me giggle like a madwoman and b) is something i will start saying irl from now on

[kmsumrall]

This took way to long to write. Honestly, this style is hard for me to write in. Starting to lose focus. But I at least want to finish the original continuation.

The Alternian and the Troll Part 3

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The living room stood out from the rest of the house in that, excepting the flowers and the people living inside, all the objects in that room were newer than everything else. Of course, the flowers were part of a genus that had come from the old country, and each new bloom was born from the seeds of the previous generation, so one could argue the pretty petals were in fact the oldest thing about the house. This was the only room to have a television set, a squarish boxy thing with jumbles of wires escaping from the back only to be caught in tight knots and tangles before disappearing into the wall. The set itself sat upon a small table with wheels, virtually unheard of in the home, broke brakes and its own little wedges to prevent the table and set from moving around. Also to prevent any accidents that would come from unwanted movement the tacky little items were placed on a thick area rug of a dark rich green color, of which that covered most of the floor.

Placed opposite the television set was a sofa and love-seat set of a tan color, made of fabric, which was a fairly logical decision when the residents had pokey horns. Between the two pieces of sensible furniture was a small side table that come up in height right to the armrests, carrying a thick based lamp that gave3 off a pale yellow light from under the thing shade. The opposite wall from the sofa was covered in bookshelves that held many great and poor works of literature, mysteries, horror, biography, and one small sectioned converted into a VHS stand. The rest of the walls were wallpapered with a selection of fruit reminiscent of a certain part of a candy factory. The ceiling was unremarkable, which, in this house, was something to remark on.

Karkat was currently sitting on a folding chair in front of the television set, furiously writing into a notebook, shouting the occasional obscenities towards the stories that were told. He barely noted with someone softly walked into the room and didn’t even glance when they sat down next to him crosslegged. For a full moment neither acknowledged the other, both just staring at the television set.

“Writing down more of the Homo sapiens’ ‘lies’, Karkat?”

“Fucking right I am. These are facts that need to be checked, Kanaya. So, get the hell outta my face and let me work.”

“I’m impressed. Normally you’d just go shout on the street corner till brown in the face, although I understand why you would be reluctant after-”

The angry young man turned quickly. “We agreed to never speak of that shit again!” Wraggling a finger, he turned back to the news. “Huey Louiston just reported a story about a break-in. Like always, the fucker did everything but say outright that trolls did it. That makes seven stories this week about bad trolls.”

“So, are you going to write a letter to the station? Perhaps the editor of the newspaper? A sternly written note?”

“Fuck that! I’m going to kick his soft pink waxed ass!” Karkat stood up quick and started heading for the door, only to trip and fall mouth-first into the green carpet.

“Oh Karkat, so clumsy. An uncoordinated mess,” said a mocking voice from above.

“Did someone tie your shoe laces together?”

The fallen Alternian rolled over and kicked Kanaya hard in the shin. She fell down with a plop on top of him, teeth connected with his skill. Blood flowed freely from both heads as they cringed in pain.

“You stupid cow!” he screamed, pushing her off.

“And you’re a poor excuse for a revolutionary!” Kanaya yelled, equally as pissed.

“Oh nooooo!”

Nepeta dropped the yellow bucket she was holding, covering her mouth with a hand while soapy water covered the floor. “Wha-What are you two doing?”

“This troll is a crazy fetish biting bitch!” Karkat said, standing up. He promptly fell right back down, as his shoes were still tangled. “Dramnim!” he yelled through a mouth full of carpet.

“Just a spirited discussion,” Kanaya replied, spitting blood into a napkin. “He took it a little too far this time. Do not concern yourself.”

The angry troll fixed his dilemma and was advancing on his aggressor when a booming voice stopped him in his slightly bloody tracks.

“What is going on in here?!”

Aunt Nancy stepped into the living room from the main foyer, a bunch of bananas in her hand. She stood like a warrior woman with a sensible hair style. “When will you stop acting like impudent children? Think of the example you are setting for the others. Go mend yourselves.”

“Now,” continued Aunt Nancy, looking at Nepeta, “clean up this mess you made and wipe up all this coagulating blood.” And with that, she left.

~

Knock knock “Is anyone in here?” called a slightly raspy voice.

“Just us, Terezi,” said a voice not raspy but a little more husky.

“Us? Oolala.” The blind girl opened the door, taptaptaping. “Having a bathroom tryst during the middle of the day?” She sniffed the air a few times. “Is that Karkat? Hehehehe!”

“Shut your mouth you taintfucking moron! This stupid troll bit my head!”

Terezi grabbed the angry troll’s shoulders. “I can smeeeeellllll the looooovvvveeeee! You like it rough!”

“I’d give you rough if Aunt Nancy wasn’t already pissed off!”

“So I can do this?” She put her arms further around him, clasping her hands across his chest, capturing the angry one in a warm embrace. “Hehehehe!”

“Let go before I throw up! Aunt Nancy is forcing Nepeta to clean up everything and I’m not going to add to her workload!”

“Mmmmmm... Wait, what?”

~

Nepeta was on her knees with a large scrub brush and a layer of soapy suds on her hand. The rest of the soap was in the area rug, getting down deep to the bottom of the treads, eradicating dirt with nonreckless abandon. It was a practiced back and forth motion and in no time the previous mess was cleared. Unfortunately, now the rest of the carpet looked as though a dog had spent too much time with a certain backside condition in the room by comparison. Well, maybe no one would-

“Well?”

Nepeta froze at the sound. Slowly, she turned, seeing Aunt Nancy’s disparaging countenance. “Um... The leaves are piled and bagged, I washed the walls in the upstairs hall, the toilet on the second floor is unplugged, and the bottoms of the drapes have been mended.”

“And...?”

“And... I’m going to scrub the rest of the carpet and then get the laundry clean?”

“Very good. I don’t want any pests in the house.”

Nepeta held off her sigh until she was sure Aunt Nancy was well out of hearing distance. It would not do to let the owner see you fatigued. She twisted her back around a few times until she heard a slight pop and then right back to the floor.

~

The basement was dark and dank and smelled vaguely of fried fish-sticks. In one corner was a dragon of a water heater and in another was a pile of dingy clothes and this was currently focus of Nepeta’s attention. She sighed and grabbed her cart as the laundry for some reason reason was on the opposite end from the washing machine. The washing machine itself was also old and somewhat leaky, and made a weird jinky sound when it ran.

The rank smell of sweat and days of unwashed filth grew almost overpowering as the girl got closer. Ugh, it was making her almost vomit through her teeth. Well, the only thing to do was to get it done.

To loosen the layer of crud she gave the vile mass a swift kick, and-

Jumped way the hell back when it started moving and moaning and groaning. It reared up, face like a deathmask. It reached out to her, and with a voice-like a grave, said-

“Ya’ll got some motherfucking Faygo?”

“Who- Who are you?!” Nepeta shrieked, hiding behind her cart.

“Calm dooown little sister. What this nonchill energy you be giving off?”

“Just stay back!”

“Shit little sister, take yourself a drag of this.” The thing got out of the clothes pile, offering a smoldering piece of paper. The person, as it was a person, was tall and lanky, hair like a spooked hedgehog, horns like a particular breed of goat. “Make you calm down like a motherfucker can you hear what I'm saying?” He took a step forward and tumbled over his own feet.

Nepeta hesitated, then rushed forward to help him out. “Are you ok?”

“Hahahahaha... Yeah, I'm chill.” He looked up at her and blinked, open slightly agape. “You ain’t Kani or Teri?”

“No... I’m Nepi- I’m Nepeta.”

“Oh. Ok. I’m... Gamzee? Yeah, Gamzee little sister.” He laughed again and smoked a thing he was holding. “I’m hungry...” Gamzee wandered back up the stairs.

Sighing, Nepeta started sorting the clothes. Ok, white, color, white, color, too stained, color... This would be so much easier with gloves. At least then it wouldn’t be as skin dissolving. She had gotten most of them up when she heard a crash.

“Gamzee? Did you fall down again?” No, this wasn't from the stairs. Some old milk canisters piled high around some splintery pallets. These were empty apparently, as the only thing spilled was air. Still, something broke, which meant more work for her. Better to not let Aunt Nancy know about this little mess. Not that Nepeta would ever complain.

While gathering up the broken shards of the former milk holders Nepeta felt a soft patting on her ankle. Looking up at her was a creature with green shiny eyes and soft white fur, mewling softly and it petted her.

“A... kitten?”

It yawned with two teeny kitten mouths.

Nepeta jumped up and down and clapped her hands. “Cuuuuttteeee! I shall huge you and squeeze you and name you Pounce de Leon!” She scratched behind the small things ears, hearing a purr in stereo. The girl giggled and plopped the kitten on her shoulder. Pounce licked her ear.

She started to the stairs and got halfway there but stopped suddenly, sending Ms. De Leon flying, the kitty scrambling in the air, barely grabbing the string that activated the light before it tumbled to the ground. “Aunt Nancy doesn't like pests... And I got the feeling you’d be considered one!” Nepeta knelt down and picked up the fallen animal, hugging it close. “She would want you gone... Ok, here is the plan. You stay down here for now, alright? I’ll sneak you some food until I figure out what to do.”

Setting the kitten back down on her shoulder, who then secured itself with tiny kitten claws, Nepeta went back to work on the clothes.

~

“The kid is right. Aunt Nancy won’t put up with shit like that.”

“Well, what do you suggest we do?”

“I saw we just let this play out. Could be fun to watch. Hehehehe!”

[Tezrial]

I was bored, sooo...extremely short pesterlog.

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|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: HEY ORANGE-HEADED HUMAN BOY.
TG: what do you want
CG: JUST TO TALK TO YOU.
CG: IS THAT SO WRONG?
TG: im closing this now
CG: NO, WAIT.
CG: I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY.
TG: one chance
CG: FUCK YOU.

turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] file "goatse.jpg"

CG: WHAT IS THIS?
CG: OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

[paperandpencil]

oh god update. has everyone started writing their dark 'n angsty one-sided karkat/sollux('s corpse) fics yet?