MSPA fan-fiction

[paperandpencil]

Augh! Oh man you guys, I've spent the last couple of days with my eyes pretty much glued to your writing! Initially, I hadn't looked at MSPA FF because I thought that Homestuck, relying mainly on visuals, wouldn't translate well to just text. But then I was suddenly (and very fortunately, as it turns out) struck with this overwhelming desire to read Homestuck fanfiction, and I am STUNNED, to say the least!
The Homestuck universe more than translates, and I feel like I have a newfound appreciation for all the characters. Every single writer here is fantastically creative and talented! A lot of your stories made me giggle like a madwoman, while others have really touched me and made me feel a lot of sympathy and worry for the well-being of the characters, and some of these fictions made me want to strangle antagonists! Which is to say, I felt often felt emotionally invested in the plot and each of your individual takes on various characters.
I'm definitely going to be a regular reader now that I've seen what good writers the forums have been blessed with! I think this thread definitely deserves a lot more attention~

TL;DR ...Ffffffff what is this even where am i what year is it. You guys are incredible and I've only just found out!

[DocBeard]

Is it alright to throw up ideas you may or may not use here?

Like, for example;

Ghostly Ambitions(Homestuck/Doctor Who crossover.): Where do you want to be in ten years? This question haunts Our Heroes as John, Dave, and Rose all receive mysterious offers that could be a valuable step forward into adulthood. Are Jade's premonitions of disaster real, or is the lonely young girl just jealous and afraid of losing her connection to her friends? What is the terrible secret of the Tarmes corporation? And what do this scruffy hobo and his pet phone booth have to do with anything?

[Raccoon]

^ Oh I am so on this! ^

Ghostly Ambitions [/center:2rj7cxkz]

Chapter 1:Not A Troll

(Note: This is a work-in-progress and also shipping Older!Jade and Eleventh!Doctor although that comes in chapter 2)[/center:2rj7cxkz]

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So where did you want to go? The floppy haired man asked Jade whom was currently exploring the ins and outs of the TARDIS console which stood in front of her.
Jade gave this question much thought until she quite simply answered 'The future of my friends.'
The Doctor simply nodded at Jade and pulled the main lever on the console the TARDIS whirring into action as it dematerialized.

--Months in the past (But not many)--
A young entrepreneur is speaking with his father about the ins and outs of baking and how it was affecting the stock market.
JOHN! Jade shouted across the long hallway, John was snapped out of his discussion with his adoptive-father as Jade rushed over to him to give him a hug.
‘Sis I'm a tiny bit busy today.' He answered not seeming to care much about the devastated face that followed.
She left.

--Days later (but not many)--
Another young man is busy with his real father on stage rapping with his dad on the timetables.
Dave! Jade shouted after the concert. DAVE! She shouted again.
He looked and just shouted 'Busy babe speak later?' his hands imitating a keyboard.
Jade was now struggling to hold back tears.
She left once more.

--Days later (again not many)--
A young woman is talking with her mother about their latest investigation.
Rose can I speak to you? It's about you 3… she asked innocently.
‘Jade I'm sorry but I'm busy!' she muttered as she and her mother ran off.
Jade was nearing tears this time.
She left again.

--Hours later (but not many)--
A young woman is online waiting for her friends alone.
Jade started to cry. Her friends have just been ignoring her since they had beaten sburb. She was about to go to sleep when a pesterchum request popped up on her screen.
MysteriousTimelord has sent you a chat request accept? Y/N?
Jade was happy that she had a request. She opened the chat window.

[MysteriousTimelord] has started pestering [GardenGnostic] at [???]
mT: Hello, good to speak to you at last.
gG: Who are you?
mT: oh yes I am sorry but I seem to have mistaken my co-ordinates of where you are again. Just a second.
gG: oh noooo don't leave me! Why does everyone leave me…
gG: D':
mT: Sorry about that had a slight problem with the time-flexor.
gG: You're a troll aren't you D':
gG: Leave me alone!
gG: I don't want to speak..
mT: Wait a moment! I'm not trolling you!
mT: I'm here to offer you something!
gG: hm?
mT: Would you like to see the future again?
This last phrase had made Jade break into tears again. An uncontrollable sobbing that's she couldn't get to stop.
gG: Yes. But you can't do that.
[GardenGnostic] Has blocked [MysteriousTimelord] at [???]

Homestuck is interestingly the only fandom in which I dont ship male characters..

[DocBeard]

Well I was really hoping to get some feedback on the idea itself, but heck, this is flattering. I'll just change the title if I decide to use the idea.

As far as your work goes, I like the "time in the future(but not much)" angle. At the same time, you are jumping to your conclusions on, well, everything. There's no build up or establishment of the tension that would make Jade's breakdown enthralling to a reader. You've got the guts of a good story, you just need the rest of the body.

Also, though you do not have to take this, I figure I should share a secret.

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Tarmes is an anagram for 'Master'.

[Raccoon]

Ghostly Ambitions (DW/HS Crossover)

Chapter 2: Pinwheels and Parasites.
(Note: This is a work-in-progress and also shipping Older!Jade and Eleventh!Doctor.)[/center:2azo9ka8]

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"Why am I always the one that gets left behind? It's not fair." Jade muttered to herself in-between sobs. She had a box of tissues by her side, the tears would not stop. Ever since they had beaten Sburb everyone had started to ignore her more and more. When Bec died she was unaware of just how lonely she was without him and there is only a certain amount of time one can spend with their dead dad/granddad. Jade turned her laptop off and headed into her bed. She pulled the thick quilt over herself and started to dream.

It was this same nightmare again. The one where Prospit itself hits her full force. Her body being crushed under what was once her dreamhome. This time it was different though. A bluebox appears next to her, a sound like the air itself was being destroyed, a hand reaches out and grabs hers and she is pulled into the box. Bigger on the inside she muttered before the world went black.

She awoke with a jolt. The same sound as the blue box made echoed from outside her window. This definitely needed investigating. She headed outside but not before quickly changing her clothes using her wardrobe. There in front of her was possibly the most perplexing thing she had ever seen. The exact same box from her dreams.

The door cracked open and a very floppy haired man bounded out muttering so much it took a while for Jade to start listening.
"And then I said to him that it was all a mix-up between the pinwheel and the parasite you see because those pinwheels and parasites can be tricky to deal with. And you're wearing a squiddle top!"
"I have a gun!" Jade shouted quickly retrieving her rifle from her strife specibus unaware of this mans intentions.
"No guns. I disagree with guns." The odd man said clearly reaching into his pockets and pulling out an odd object and buzzed Jades rifle. She dropped the rifle on the floor with a slight yelp sound.
"Sorry bout that but I appear to have been a bit... rude..." He put a hand out to expect a handshake yet didn't get one.
"Who are you? You odd man...” Jade asked perplexed at the man and his mannerisms.
"I'm the Doctor! Glad to meet you Jade!" he answered perkily.
"How did you get here and how did you know my name?"
"Let's just say I'm a bit of a mysterious traveller Jade!" The Doctor smirked at her.

Jade was reminded of her previous conversation with this strange fellow who had added her with the promise of forseeing the future.Tears entered her eyes again as she just knew she was about to be disapointed by another person.
"Whoa no need to cry Jade!" The Doctor rushed over to Jade and started to wipe away her tears.
"Why are you interfering with me though!" Jade cryed into his shoulders.
"I only ever interfere if there are people crying Jade, a good friend taught me that once." The Doctor said his mind elsewhere.

I am unsure how long this story may take Am so enjoying it though.

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I am going to slightly stray off your idea Doc although I will happily rename the story if you dont like me stealing the crossover idea.

[Orange]

So, there aren't really any adults on the planet, huh?
I smell a fic.
Oh look! Here's one now!

"Satellite"

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gC: SO YOU M4R4THON3D TH3 WHOL3 S3R13S 4G41N?
cG: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH WATCHING SOMETHING I LIKE?
cG: FUCK IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME I SHOW AN INTEREST IN SOMETHING NOW.
cG: "4RE Y0U W47CHIING IIT aGAIN? RE477Y?"
gC: UM 1 TH1NK YOUV3 GOT MY TYP1NG M1X3D UP 4CTU4LLY
cG: THE HELL DOES IT MATTER?
gC: AW 1'M JUST WORR13D 4BOUT YOU LOV3 L4RV4
cG: DAMN IT.
cG: THAT'S IT.
cG: STAY IN YOUR FUCKING TREEHOUSE MUSEUM OF PLUSHY LEGISLACERATING.
cG: YOUR OWN HORRIFYING STUFFED DRAGON LYNCH MOB OF ONE.
cG: MEANWHILE, I'LL JUST GAZE AT THE DAMN STARS WISTFULLY AND WRITE EARTH POETRY.
cG: IS THAT BETTER?
gC: TH4T SOUNDS SOOOO ROM4NT1C
cG: AUGH.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

Damn it all to the flaming Undermines he was tired of dealing with her shit. What if that was what he actually wanted to do? The hell if he was going to be writing Earth poetry any time soon, but that's a whole different story. Still, he probably wouldn't be looking at the stars any time soon either. Not intently and on purpose; obviously they were still there.

Some of them, anyway.

Truth be told, Karkat really had spent all of the current sun cycle watching reruns of his favorite TV shows. After he ran out of things to watch, he even turned to some of the Earth movies he had appearified a while back. Not too long after he decided that was a horrible idea, and there was no way in backflipping fuck anyone would get him to watch an entire movie about some little iron woobie trash compactor with eyes like a robotic baby seal larva.

He always looped back around to watching everything again, really. And it wasn't even because he enjoyed it. Some Troll TV shows are downright horrible. Awful. Fucking terrible, to be blunt.

But he didn't really care. It was getting to see everybody in all kinds of different places that Karkat really enjoyed watching. It did make him... wistful, yeah; in the end it made him wretchedly wistful.

Because all of them are filming an enactment of some script on some set that's on ships travelling through the cosmos. Shit, sometimes they film on location on a planet. While they conquer it.

"They" being the adults. The grown-ups. The lucky mothergrubfuckers.

They get to have all the fun. At least, that's the easiest way to put it. The best way to think about it. Looking at it that way he can just get angsty and rant and scream and fuck all that's so normal for him to do in the first place that nobody gives it a second thought when he shuts up and turns away--

And why should they. They're all having fun here. They can build whatever they want. Terezi can have her own little nerdy kingdom of larp, Gamzee can have some idiot cirque de dumbfuck. Whatever.

But Karkat? Well, fuck. He just wants to leave. And he can never leave this place.

The fucking Medium.

[Tenebrais]

I like it, Orange. Almost seems like a sequel to my last fic.

[Orange]

I like it, Orange. Almost seems like a sequel to my last fic.

Except, y'know, yours was much better. I'm glad you enjoyed it though! ^^

[Tenebrais]

No way, yours had much better characterisation.

[Orange]

No way, yours had much better characterisation.

I dunno about that. And either way yours had better character interaction--

Oh man, we are not starting this game, no sir.

[I-gor]

It's been a long time since I've been here, posting. All you guys are awesome.

While I'm here I think I'll drop off what I've been working on for "Heirfare". It's not so good and probably really too morbid.

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John strode cautiously down the dark corridor, still wary of GC's advice, jetpack or no jetpack gift. As he walked down the oil-stained hallway he thought of what he had to do; he would kill the Denizen; he would make the Land of Wind and Shade right again; he would clear the Pipes and free the Breeze.

If only his body agreed with what his brain was saying.

But no matter, he thought. He gazed up at the massive gate. It was obviously the entrance to the Denizen's lair. It positively reeked of oil. John brought up his hammer of irons (an irony hammer? Dave would appreciate that) and banged on the gate.

Nothing quite happened. Another second passed, in which nothing, again happened. A drop of tar fell between John's feet. It was just like that part in Ghostbusters, he thought, when-

The gate opened. John gaped. It was-well, he wasn't sure what it was, but it was some sort of big black--thing with too many tentacles and looked like something out of some alien movie-but this was real. Real and trying to kill him. He stood there, frozen until the Denizen was only a few feet away. Remembering his hammer, he brought it back over his head and brought it down to-

to see-

to see it shatter as if it were made of sugar glass. The Sylladex, seeing the weapon disintegrate, expelled a cloud of dust to reveal that all of John's weapons had been turned into handles barely long enough for him to hold.

Nonetheless, John decided he would not run. Did Cameron Poe run from Cyrus the Virus? Did the Ghostbusters run from the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man? Well, they did, but not for long, but...But anyways John wasn't giving up. He threw himself onto the Denizen, striking it with what pitiful pieces remained of his hammers. He thought about how stupid this had been against that imp. As he fell, he realized he wouldn't be thinking about it much longer. Or anything else. But Jade. She was fine. Right?

[DocBeard]

Crosspostin every day.

Clockwork Sorrow

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“No. No. Nonononono-I can't!” Jade Harley stumbled backwards; as the Witch of Space, she wasn't exactly bound by the normal laws of motion, but this amnesty only applied while she was concentrating. Terror widened her eyes and drew her mouth round as she scraped for stability on the crumbling clockwork edifice. Only a lifetime's training kept the rifle in her shaking hands, and the sliver of Jade that was processing rationally couldn't help but wonder if Grandfather had gone through anything quite like this. “Not like this, it wasn't-wasn't supposed to be like this!”

The machine lurched forward, bone and brass melded together more intimately than nature could allow. Steam rose from plumping clockwork within the thing's limbs, still draped in red velvet in an unkind tribute. The monster had a music box for a heart, which pumped the lava that forced its body to function to the faint sounds of the chorale she and her friend had composed one day when he was inclined to play along with her mad whims. Jade always liked to think that he cherished those silly little moments as much as she did, but never had the courage to ask. Harley found the courage to fire, a snapshot aimed at the thing's throat. It proved to be less slow by design than saving power, like the great cats of the wild prefer to do; left arm snapped up, and there was a CLANG of steel upon brass and a horrible flash of light.

“What.” It talked, too. Jade felt she was going mad; intellectually she knew there were several ways to simulate his speech, but what could simulate his spirit? It was as if the boy were as cold and unaffected by the world as he always claimed to be after all. “Did you think it was going to be like, Jade?” The clockwork man took another step closer, confident in the knowledge that Jade could not move much farther without risking an impromptu spa day with the lava ocean of the land of heat and clockwork. “Hugs and hand holding and rainbows? Did you think it was going to be a day at the park? That the death trap you set for us was going to be nice about it?”

“Dave, please…” Jade felt defenseless, unable to line up another shot, let alone manipulate the thread of Here and There enough to land a hit.

“Dave is gone. Thanks to you.” The creature leapt into the light, leathered skin clinging to bone wrapped in a red velvet tuxedo, delicate clockwork keeping the whole mess together and strong enough to hold a sword. Cruelest cut of all, though, was that his face was recognizable; Jade could make out his left cheek, his hair, some of his nose, and she could see a flash of intelligence in the hollows where her friend's beautiful eyes had once hidden. The Terrible Gearwork seemed to relish the suffering of his onetime friend, drinking in her terror before closing the rest of the distance between them, “First you, then Lalonde, then Egbert…you'll all pay. And best of all.”

The intimacy of his lips on her ear was indescribable; the feel of the bit of bone on her cheek was unendurable. “You'll help me with the other two.”

There was no choice. “Okay.” Jade forced the bile back down into her stomach, gently brushed Terrible Gearwork's cheek to the side, and forced a tiny smile. “Okay.” Her legs pumped, and the thrill of freefall licked her back, as she watched the look of triumph fade into horrified fury. But, really, if this parody of her friend had known Jade at all, she reflected as the steam stung and the heat grew closer, what else would he have expected, except a leap of faith?

There was a sharp, pulling sensation, and Jade blinked, horrific lava death being far less painful than she thought it was going to be. She looked up, and was delivered. “Oh.” She smiled, reaching her hand up to gently touch a whole, healthy cheek. “I was on time after all.”

“Quit it.” Dave, the real Dave, or at least the Dave that was still alive muttered as he carefully compensated for the extra weight, hefting the Witch onto his brother's rocket board. “This thing's a bitch to drive as it is.”

[resdaMalos]

More trollfic! Since the introduction of all these trolls killed my old ideas. Back to the ficletmobile!

PCHOOOOO

|PESTERLOG|

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-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

GC: C4STOR C4STOR
GC: FOUR HORN3D H4CK3RFR13ND
TA: terezii.
TA: what could you po22iibly want.
TA: actually don't 2ay anythiing.
TA: ii am way two bu2y two cater two your weiird demand2.
GC: NO 1 C4N'T 4SK 4NYON3 3LS3
GC: TH1S CH4LL3NG3 T4K3S 4 M4N OF YOUR WOND3RFUL SK1LL
TA: a challenge, you 2ay?
TA: color me iintriigued.
GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU'D B3 >:]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

CG: TEREZI.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GC: NON3 OF YOUR BUS1N3SS K4RK4T
CG: ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME?
CG: WHY MUST YOU BE THIS OBSTINATE?
GC: 4WW 1S OUR BR4V3 KN1GHT OF BLOOD GO1NG THROUGH SOME BL33D1NG OF H3R OWN?
GC: DO YOU N33D TO PL4C3 4BSORB3NT P4DDING 1N YOUR UND3RG4RM3NTS?
CG: DON'T COMPARE ME TO A HUMAN FEMALE.
CG: YOU'RE TRYING TO RUIN OUR PLAN.
CG: I CAN TELL.
CG: I CAN FEEL IT.
GC: DON'T 3V3N TRY TO OUT-S3NS3 M3
GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T 1'M DO1NG 4ND 1T 4NNOYS TH3 SOPOR OUT OF YOU
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL TH3 4UR4 OF FRUSTR4T1ON 4ROUND YOU
GC: 1T'S 4CTU4LLY QU1T3 S1CK3N1NG

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GC: R3M3MB3R THOS3 THR33 R4NDOM COD3S 1 S3NT YOU?
TA: yeah. 2trange human iitem2. u2ele22.
GC: H3R3'S 4NOTH3R ON3
GC: dskjhsdk
GC: YOUR M1SS1ON
GC: 1F YOU CHOOS3 TO 4CC3PT 1T
GC: SUBTR4CT THOS3 THR33 COD3S FROM TH1S ON3
TA: ugh. ii thought you had a real challenge.
TA: ii'll ju2t take iit through thii2 ~ath 2criipt and you'll have your lame an2wer.

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

AC: : 33 < terezi
AC: : 33 < hey i know youre angry and all
AC: : 33 < but should you really be doing this?
GC: 4 JUDGM3NT MUST B3 P4SS3D
GC: YOU WON'T STOP M3
AC: : 33 < *ac paws playfully*
AC: : 33 < *youre over reacting she says*
AC: : 33 < *she uses her biggest shiniest eyes to win the harsh dragon over*
GC: NO
GC: JUST STOP
GC: TH3 T1M3 FOR G4M3S 1S OV3R
GC: W4S OV3R
GC: 1T 3ND3D WH3N THOS3 FOUR P1NK MONK3YS W3NT 4ND FUCK3D 3V3RYTH1NG UP
AC: : 33 < ...
AC: ...
AC: fine
AC: no games
AC: god damn you terezi

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TA: what ii2 thii2? 2ome 2ort of twol for propul2iion?
TA: terezii what do you need a rocket pack for?
GC: C4STOR WH4T'S TH3 COD3?
GC: 1 N333333D 1T
GC: PL34S3?
GC: 1 PROM1S3 NOT TO BOTH3R YOU 4G41N
TA: you're up two 2omethiing.
GC: SO W3R3 YOU 4ND 44
GC: F33L L1K3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT TH4T?
TA: pchooooo
TA: now leave me alone.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

[Shadow of the Lotus]

Working on part 3 of this story. I've planned it out fully now and there will be 4 parts total. Here's a preview of part 3 because 1) pesterlogs are kinda fun to write and 2) getting a bit of writer's block.

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TT: It is proper etiquette to apologize for gifts unused.
TT: I regret to say that your architecture sat dormant; a Christmas fruit-cake sitting on my counter more so for its aesthetically appropriate appeal than any other use.
TT: Are you there Strider? I'd hate for my apology to linger in similar state.
TG: im busy
TT: With what would that be?
TG: just entered my first gate
TG: having some trouble
TT: Your time would be better spent trying to break the game than be lead by it.
TT: I blew up my first gate.
TG: oh alright
TG: yeah lets just go ahead and write war and peace the strategy guide
TG: only to get shit impatient and start looking for cheat codes
TG: do you like to waste time
TT: The contrary actually; I don't think there's any point in playing by the rules.
TG: you getting wands was such a bad idea
TG: next youll be telling me a wizard is never late or shit like that
TG: stop smoking the pipeweed jegus
TT: Not all of us have quite so much control over time.
TT: I'm impressed you have time for such nonsense considering that you're busy.
TG: look i am busy
TG: shit is blowing up all around me and im supposed to meet these crocodiles or whatever
TG: oh fuck gotta go
TT: John is back.
TT: I'm not really sure where he was but we'll discuss the game and try to figure out what we can do to break it.
TG: asdaodijweal
TT: I'll leave you to your reptiles.

[Gabu]

That was actually quite good, Orange. The mood, and how Karkat is portrayed is just... fantastic.

Also Cirque de Dumbfuck.

[Shaon]

HEY LOOK RANDOM VIOLENT FANFICTION, THAT'S PRETTY COOL

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Doctor Q

"Finally, I'll get my revenge! You can't escape me now."

Surrounded on all sides by him. Him and his damnable turntables. The dominant one -- the insane one, with an outfit red with velvet and red with blood -- approached them slowly, dementedly, half a sword dragging behind him.

"And I laugh," he began, speaking louder, faster, words slurring into each other. "And I cry. And you scream, 'you will die!'"

The black-haired boy reached out as his possessed friend stopped, glaring at him through stained shades.

"And I flick the switch of your demise!" A blinding flash, and a broken blade was now a full sword, pressed against the throat of the quivering innocent girl before him.

"Precious... you're so precious..." he muttered, his face inches from the girl's. His breath against her face, wet with tears, let a strangled squeak escape from her throat.

"No- you can't-" The boy made the mistake of gripping the demented boy's arm, in some false hope that his touch would let some kind of sense back into him.

He reacted violently, lifting the girl up by her locks of black hair, turning back, shrieking. "And I cried! While you laughed! While she screamed! While she died!"

The boy, thrown back by the violence, could only sit back and watch his friend's insanity come to a peak. The redhead clenched his teeth, shouting at the sky.

"You'll be back soon! This body will be yours, you will live again!"

An orange blur slammed into his screaming face, blowing him clear into the mob of time paradox clones and away from the girl he held hostage.

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Based off of this song:

I mi~ight make a series out of this, basing each piece off of songs off this album.

[Orange]

That was actually quite good, Orange. The mood, and how Karkat is portrayed is just... fantastic.

Also Cirque de Dumbfuck.

Cirque de Dumbfuck was my favorite part of that. MY FAVORITE PART.

But I'm glad you liked it. c:

[DocBeard]

Orange: Neat! Karkat's expanded personality is really making a few solid fics.

I-gor: I agree that it is a little morbid but we've seen every angle of the fight with the Denizen but John's. I like that John gives a crap about the Land of Wind and Shade, too. Nice touch there.

Resda: Nice work. Pesterlogs feel like a cheat sometimes, but I really dig what you did with AC and that couldn't have been done as well in standard prose.

Lotus: I admit that I was kind of disappointed to see it just as a pesterlog, though that is an interesting way to progress the plot. I had thought of Rose and Dave going into conflict over their respective philosophies, though it does cast a somewhat manipulative light on Rose's time with John.

and then i reread that it was a preview instead of a whole part and ksaddjkksla.

That said: I thought your conflict was going to be Rose versus herself? Have you changed your mind or am I not seeing the whole picture here?

Shaon: Kicking tunes. The total lack of identifying names kind of makes the action confusing, and quoting the song directly sort of feels artificial. Dave might say stuff like that, but it feels more like he is lip singing to a music video. (Though, a song that possesses a person and forces them to do some violent action would be neat.) I dig the depiction of the combat, however, it just needs a little more clarity.

[Shadow of the Lotus]

This was added later but I'm putting it at the top, so excuse if it seems out of place. When you say Rose comes off as manipulative of John, what do you mean? Also, it still is going to be a story about Rose against herself. In fact, what you see in the following continued preview is basically the last part before all the intense action hits. I need to write out a good page of stuff between Rose and John still first, but then it'll hit the big rising point of this 4-part fic.

I'm having a bit of trouble getting into part 3 honestly. Now that I've planned out what I want to do it's just kinda hard to get it out. In my mind it's all nice and pretty. Writing it out just reminds me I'm not hitting what I want and it's not uncommon for people to write primarily for themselves, right? lol. Nah though, here is like, 1/3rd of what I want done for part 3. Secret sneak-peak; the entire point of that pesterlog with Dave was to just let everyone know Dave is busy and can't interfere/aid in stuff that happens later. Incomplete and extremely rough: 1/3rd of part 3 (is it bad to post WIP fic stuff? I'll probably post all of part 3 in a later post)

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Rose reached up to her headband and unequipped the hubtop band. The tiny green screen that had illuminated the text of her pesterlog with Dave blipped out of view. She and John still sat near the shore where they had a close encounter with the creature which lurked deep underneath the rainbow oceans of Rose's planet. Rose had asked John's patience momentarily so that she could check on Dave. However, Dave was preoccupied at the moment. Some sort of nonsense about crocodiles. It all sounded incredibly silly; whatever was so interesting about crocodiles outside their propensity to aid old women in carrying their belongings hardly mattered when compared to figuring out the purpose of sburb. Then again… Rose could understand if focus was hard to come by. The oceans shimmered brilliantly. It was as if light of every imaginable color simply melted into the water; a brilliant canvas painted from an unimaginable pallet. It was easy to get lost in the sight, and with John right next to her…

“Come John,” Rose said “I'm sure you have just as many questions as I do about sburb. Let's see if we can't put our individual experiences together to come up with some ideas.” Rose shifted her left arm behind herself and pushed forward as she brought herself to her feet.

[DocBeard]

I think I am being unkind to Rose; I saw it as Rose taking advantage of the fact that she found John first to lure him over to her "side" of the argument, but really Rose and Dave always sound antagonistic to each other so I took the tone of the pesterlog too seriously.

And I've been there as far as a chapter not coming out right. It is rough but sometimes you have to just write it out, re-read it, and then edit what doesn't work. It'll rarely come out satisfactory the first try.

Rose's inner thoughts here seem like an unnecessary recap. All we need to know is that Rose does not understand that the crocodiles are NPCs, thinks Dave is screwing around, and is distracted herself by her surroundings. You could cut "The tiny green screen..." to "...some sort of nonsense..." with maybe a small addition to show Rose's distaste instead of telling it to us. What you might want to do is have Rose's distraction start to show itself physically instead of in thought; have her brush against John's hand or lean on her shoulder before snapping out of it and rushing back to work like nothing had happened. This will also hark back to your primary conflict; is Rose using their quest as an excuse to avoid having to face the stuff that is coming to head now that she has met her dear friend in person?

Just a thought, though. If I can make one suggestion honestly it is to keep pressing on. A bad draft you fix later is better than never getting it done because you cannot start. Looking forward to your work!

[P_equals_NP]

guys does anyone have a link to that one rose has a party and the other three kids come fan fiction?

[The_Second_Beast]

House Party is linked to in Tenebrais's signature.

[Gabu]

Okay, I'm really starting to hate these random jumps of disinterest and complete attention, then disinterest, only to come back and feel everything I've written for story project x to be a piece of crap. And being only able to totally focus on one thing at a time with no guarantee of holding that focus for more than ten secooh a shiny clock.

[DocBeard]

Okay, I'm really starting to hate these random jumps of disinterest and complete attention, then disinterest, only to come back and feel everything I've written for story project x to be a piece of crap.

I'll take a look at it if you want, beta-wise. I've been crazy curious since you've said it was archive only anyway.

[Spiritus]

I apologize if this storyline has already been done; I haven't read through this whole thread yet. This is something I've been kicking around since the relevant pages went up, and I finally have enough time to actually do it.

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-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: thats it i cant take it anymore
TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass
TG: im going back
TT: Already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months
TG: or something
TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping
TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet.
TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.
TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.
TG: what else is there to know
TG: we lost
TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch
TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.
TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again
TG: or the trolls for that matter
TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen
TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us
TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective
TG: only thing left to do is change all that
TT: Are you sure you're ready?
TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?
TG: theres not much to remember
TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge
TG: i dont know what he was thinking
TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet
TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear
TT: It still seems hasty to me.
TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.
TG: nah itll be fine dont worry
TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
TT: Maybe?
TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?
TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: just roll with it and see what happens
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded
TT: What do you think I should do?
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
TT: Ok.
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.
TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem
TG: anything else is gravy
TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.
TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.
TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess
TG: im gonna go now
TT: Good luck.


Months in the past, but not many…


EB: i gotta go!
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there
TG: but alright later
EB: later.

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Bad End
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Minutes later…

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]
TT: John, stop.
TT: I implore you to reconsider.
TT: I just talked to Dave.
TT: Why are you trying to fight that is, more likely than not, something akin to a final boss when you have yet to even pass through the second gate?
EB: rose!
EB: this is so awesome!
EB: i'm like bruce willis in armageddon.
EB: flying around in space.
EB: except instead of a huge bomb, i have these awesome hammers
EB: and instead of an asteroid, i'm gonna plant it in the denizen's face
TT: John, you shouldn't try fighting it yet.
TT: There's no way you can win.
EB: no no, it's fine, listen.
EB: one of the trolls is helping me
EB: the denizen is still asleep, so i can kill it without it fighting back.
TT: The only difference between attacking a sleeping dragon and attacking one that is awake is that the former will be far more irate than the latter.
EB: huh?
TT: There's a very good chance that the only thing your assault will result in will be awakening the beast, and then you will be stuck fighting it at full strength.
TT: I don't think that's a risk we can afford to take.
EB: rose, come on.
EB: this is a video game, right?
EB: this is called sequence breaking.
EB: it's how all the good gamers get shit done.
TT: Dammit, John, would you just listen?!
EB: rose, relax.
EB: i'm gonna go kill the denizen, then i'll try to find a way to come help you.
EB: maybe we can sequence break in your world, too!
EB: i gotta go, i can see the seventh gate coming up
TT: John!
EB: talk to you in a few!
-- ectoBiologist [EB] is now an idle chum --
TT:JOHN!

My plan at this point is to go through the "4 goddamn months (or something)" before Dave went back, switching between prose and pesterlogs.

Thoughts?