Iji

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

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It's time. This adventure I had planned to do right after finishing PAA, but I got so caught up in designing it (plus version 1.6 came out), I couldn't help but make this hapen now. Before we start, I'd like to get it out of the way that, like the Cave Story adventure that inspired this in the first place, I won't be following the exact plot. It's partially because of my tastes in adventures - I'm a zany kind of writer, and if there's anyone who could do the plot of Iji straight, it's MyifanW. So expect the storyline to diverge in wild and hilarious ways. With that out of the way...

A young woman stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that, unbeknownst to this young woman, this particular day will have particular importance to the world. What shall this young woman's name be?

ENTER NAME: GORBLESNATCH VON HUMPERDINK
No way, Jose.

ENTER NAME: IJI KATAISER



Your name is Iji Kataiser. You are an enormous fan of the popular webcomic Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, which you believe to be the greatest work of literature ever written in the history of the world. You're the kind of fan who likes to hurl themselves down the stairs in order to reenact your favourite scenes from the comic. You do not believe that alien lifeforms exist, a statement that may or may not become extremely ironic later on. You also are interested in such things as missiles, explosions, and incredibly heavy weaponry, and are somewhat good with computers. What do you do?



Recap

(I had to delete the List O' Stats sorry)

[Asmodemus]

> Examine TV at the bottom of the screen.

[AvzinElkein]

Visit the link that your drunken friend gave you last night.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Examine TV at the bottom of the screen.



That's actually your computer, but OK. The area is still littered with candy wrappers after you stayed up to 2:00 AM last night reading SBAHJ and editing the wiki. You're the kind of fan most people would call "obsessed", but you take pride in the fact that you're not as big as a slacker as your stoner brother.

> Visit the link that your drunken friend gave you last night.



You have absolutely no idea what this has to do with anything, so you go back to your homepage instead.

[Asmodemus]

> Run a search for Iji Tvtropes.com, see if there's any characters with the same name as you.

> View bookcase and examine it's contents.

[AvzinElkein]

OH GOD! ARTIFACTS are leaking into reality!

[Gnauga]

Acquire nano-enhancements or something. Hell if I know.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> View bookcase and examine it's contents.



Upon closer inspection, this isn't a bookcase at all! It's a wall modelled to look like a bookcase for the express purpose of filling up space!



There is a BAG OF JELLYBEANS and a HORSE PLUSHIE in the cabinet, though.

> Acquire nano-enhancements or something. Hell if I know.

Please, that sounds like something your dad would say.



Your father, RON, is a mad scientist. Currently, he's been employed in a local military research facility for community service after he destroyed half the town while testing a killer robot. Since then, though, he's constantly been trying to get you to appreciate his weird inventions. Last you heard, he's been working on a death ray that could "ward off the invading raisins". That makes no sense, but you'll go with it.

> Run a search for Iji Tvtropes.com, see if there's any characters with the same name as you.

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS





Doodadoodadoodadoo DOO DOO

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

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I expected someone to suggest something like this to happen, like Iji going on the Game Maker Community message boards, and revealing that in this universe the big Game Maker game is Barkley, Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden. But this was a bit unavoidable.

[Asmodemus]

> Examine bananas and spiked fruit on table by poster.

[Reecer6]

> Make an account of TVTropes, oblivious of the entry on your game.

[Xine8]

> Leave room.

[DimJim]

>Have a good time. HAVE A GOOD TIME

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[center:1upo3hnp]> Examine bananas and spiked fruit on table by poster.



You examine your potted plant, CHUCK. He's really there only to take up space as well. The real attraction on this wall would be your Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff Poster.



It is decidedly hella sweet.

1/11 POSTERS FOUND

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Is my overhead drawing really that bad?

> Make an account of TVTropes, oblivious of the entry on your game.



Your life's already been ruined by SBAHJ, so you decide to sign up on TV Tropes. And you know exactly where you're going.



> Have a good time. HAVE A GOOD TIME



You develop a sudden urge to entertain yourself. This comes to you in the form of dancing like a maniac.

> Leave room.



But eventually you just get bored and walk out of your room.

[/center:1upo3hnp]

[Tseralith]

What does the note on the other door say?

[MrGuy]

Vow to kick aliens in the crotch when you grow up.

[Pacific]

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Okay, now I'm wondering what it'd mean if Iji and Homestuck were set in the same Universe.

> Activate Retribution


(Don't look at me like that)

[DimJim]

>Wonder if the player got 100% on everything.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> What does the note on the other door say?



"Gladnessmelted, the Quietness of Taxing. This is a wooden door. All craftsdwarfship is of the finest quality. It menaces with spikes of imaginary green tourmaline. On the item is an image of a dwarf in paper. The dwarf is laughing."

This is your brother's room. He's posted this note on the door in yet another one of his strange mood shenanigans. Just as you're obsessed with Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, your brother, DAN, is obsessed with Dwarf Fortress, a bizarre computer game that he is absolutely addicted to despite the fact that, from what you've seen of it, one needs to have a master's degree in metaphysical philosophy to play it. He's so into the game that he randomly creates "artifacts" just like his "dwarves", mostly consisting of bending paper clips into weird shapes and taping pictures on things (or "engraving", as he calls it). And people call YOU weird.

> Vow to kick aliens in the crotch when you grow up.



What utter nonsense! Aliens don't exist. The sightings of UFOs can be attributed to clouds, planes, and mass hysteria. It is a clear fact that there are no such things as aliens, and even if they were, it is doubtful that they would take any interest in the Earth, such as, say, attempting to nuke it to oblivion. And that won't happen because aliens don't exist.

> Activate Retribution



You attempt to RETRIBUTE, but in order to do that, you'd have to have sufficient weaponry and also be a cyborg. And the only cyborg around here is that gorilla in your dad's lab.

> Wonder if the player got 100% on everything.

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Don't tell anyone, but I'm still working on an Extreme run right now. This was rushed? Yeah, kinda.

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Okay, now I'm wondering what it'd mean if Iji and Homestuck were set in the same Universe.

[/quote]

You know, seeing you here was one of the reasons I started this so soon. Actually, Homestuck was one of my big inspirations for this. The original name was going to be "Ijistuck".

[Tseralith]

Decend down the stairs. SBHJ style!

[MrGuy]

Prank call your brother.

[Varkarrus]

Play DF and see what it's all about

alternatively

Be the other guy

[KingTwelveSixteen]

>Head out to the car, its bring your kids to work day at the top secret military base remember?

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[font=Courier]

> Prank call your brother.
> Decend down the stairs. SBHJ style!



You decide the best course of action is to send your brother an obnoxious prank call, but in order to do that, you'll need to get to the PHONE. And that's downstairs.



YOU TOLD YOURSELF
YOU TOLD YOU ABOUT STAIRS!



You slam into the floor and suffer the loss of one HEALTH POINT, of which you have two. Not that it matters, since the chances of you getting into any sort of life-threatening situation any time soon is pretty slim.



Just then, your dad walks in.

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RON: Iji, what did I tell you about stairs?
IJI: I told you about stairs dad!!! I warned you dog!
RON: What?
IJI: Nothing.
RON: You must use the correct way of using stairs, Iji. World-famous scientists don't fall down stairs.
IJI: And who says I have to become a world-famous scientist?
RON: You still have much to learn. Whatever then. Just don't fall down the stairs. You're making it hard for me to cook breakfast.
IJI: Wait, couldn't you just use one of your weird inventions and cook something with that?
RON: That is a misuse of SCIENCE, child! Those inventions are not mere kitchen appliances! They will show all those FOOLS who LAUGHED at me! I'll SHOW THEM ALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah. Anyway, breakfast should be ready in an hour.

Well, that would prevent you from sneaking into the kitchen to use the phone. Hmm.



You guess you'll just use your CELL PHONE instead.

> Be the other guy





You are now DAN.

[Varkarrus]

Consume Plump helmet juice, pretending it's wine. Your parents wouldn't want you drinking alcohol, right?

[KingTwelveSixteen]

>Play dwarf fortress; make a stupid mistake and flood the land with magma, killing everything.