Thread: Iji

**Leylite** · 06-23-2010, 09:38 AM

Lab Master: Punt the Gorilla several hundred feet all the way across the lab.

Gorilla: Use your SPINNING PILEDRIVER followed by your DOWNWARD SMASH.

==

Elite: Name yourself.

Elite: Summon your hovermotorscooter and get a decent distance away (25 earth miles or so). Then call Krotera and tell him you found a human with nanotech equipment in an underground lab beneath a house in "Green Bay", in a region called "Wisconsin".

Krotera: Tell the Elite there's a Human Anomaly at your military base in Milwaukee.

Krotera and Elite: Realize that there are two Human Anomalies running around.

Krotera: Proportionally panic

Elite: Disproportionally panic

==

(Yes, the above is a shameless grab to pinpoint the location of Iji's house on the map.)

**Captain Lhurgoyf** · 06-23-2010, 01:19 PM

[b]

> Lab Master: Punt the Gorilla several hundred feet all the way across the lab.

For all your authority, you're still just a SCOUT and have no melee attacks, and besides, your STRENGTH is low!

> DESTROY!
> Gorilla: Use your SPINNING PILEDRIVER followed by your DOWNWARD SMASH.

NOW CYBORG GORILLA SMAAAAAAASH!!!

CYBORG GORILLA SMAA--

WAIT

CYBORG GORILLA MISS PUNY SPACEMAN

MAYBE CYBORG GORILLA NO SMAAAASH WITH EYES CLOSED

> Lab Master: Show carved item to Gorilla, earning it's loyalty.
> Intermission: Turn out to be one big excuse to show off the weapon.

You can't be bothered dealing with this simian any more. It's time for you to break out your ARTIFACT NANOGUN--

DRAGONWHEELED, THE ANGER OF PLANTING. The very creation that won you control over this outpost. It cannot fail! You put all your trust in it an--

CYBORG GORILLA LOVE PUNY SPACEMAN GUN

PUNY SPACEMAN GUN SHINY

CYBORG GORILLA NO SMASH PUNY SPACEMAN

CYBORG GORILLA LOVE PUNY SPACEMAN

AMBIANCE

You're confronted with a LOGBOOK almost immediately, but it's nothing you really need to know. You like the BUCKSHOT AMPLISPLODER better anyway.

With no real other option, you take the LIFT down.

> Iji: Breifly wonder what happened to your formspring Pen Pal Uboa.

For a minute before continuing, your thoughts turn to your occasional-internet-contact UBOA. For a while, you were involved with him on Formspring, a website you mainly joined to annoy DAVE after finding out he had a page. You're not sure of your opinion on UBOA - he did like the fact that he has a page on the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff wiki, as you pointed out, but he also insisted that Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff is ironic and that DAVE didn't actually write it with honest intentions. Which is poppycock, since DAVE is a completely honest man and the greatest work of art could only come from the heart.

> Elite: Name yourself.
> Elite: Summon your hovermotorscooter and get a decent distance away (25 earth miles or so). Then call Krotera and tell him you found a human with nanotech equipment in an underground lab beneath a house in "Green Bay", in a region called "Wisconsin".
> Krotera: Tell the Elite there's a Human Anomaly at your military base in Milwaukee.
> Krotera and Elite: Realize that there are two Human Anomalies running around.

You are now GEORGE, the TASEN ELITE. You decide that that's enough of documentary-ing, so you get out your HOVER SCOOTER and get as far as you can from the ANOMALY. Because of course you have a HOVER SCOOTER, duh.

After coming to a safe place, you decide this'd be something to tell the boss about.

> Krotera: Proportionally panic
> Elite: Disproportionally panic

**Asmodemus** · 06-23-2010, 01:26 PM

> Iji: Kick door and Tasen behind door, loot room and room across from it.

> Tasen Scout: Continue listening at door for that Human Anomaly, once it arrives you'll bust down that door and shoot it. No one but you could come up with such a cunning plan.

> Tasen Stalker: I forget when you show up so at the appropriate time notice Iji and write about her in a log.

**Eldrake** · 06-23-2010, 01:41 PM

>Tasen: Alert everyone else to the arrival of the anomaly.
>Tasen Engie: Erect Activate the Turrets
>Elite: Give compelling and touching speech to the troops.
>Krotera: Wait patiently for the Anomaly.

>Otto: Release more SC&ZS.
>Iji: AUGGGGHHHH RIPOFF SENSES TICKLING ONCE AGAIN AAAAAAAUGHHH

>Tasens in drag: Teleport infront of Yukabacera and start dancing, then teleport away.
>Yukabacera: Never, ever mention this ever again.

**andanotherone** · 06-23-2010, 05:13 PM

IJI: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NOT SPILLING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GET GOING YOU RETARD

**AweStriker Nova** · 06-23-2010, 05:51 PM

>Iji: You've got a Krotera to find.

>Someone: Find the soundtrack to a semi-obscure game called "Knights in the Nightmare" on the Internet. Become obsessed with it.

**Varkarrus** · 06-24-2010, 10:17 AM

Originally Posted by andanotherone

IJI: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NOT SPILLING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GET GOING YOU RETARD

Iji: Menstruate

NO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

Deathmia: Look for the 80s and the 90s.

**Leylite** · 06-24-2010, 10:41 AM

(Note: Since Iji isn't going on a pacifist run, Vateilika isn't stationed in the room directly to the right of where Iji is now. That doesn't mean they can't meet later, it just means Vateilika is currently somewhere else in sector 3.)

[secreted for length, not spoilers]

**Captain Lhurgoyf** · 06-25-2010, 12:46 PM

[b]

> IJI: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NOT SPILLING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GET GOING YOU RETARD
> Iji: You've got a Krotera to find.
> Iji: Kick door and Tasen behind door, loot room and room across from it.

Okay. You'll start with this one.

You are instantly greeted by a couple of TASEN, but you've prepared for that.

You begin amassing the NANO produced by such a response.

> Iji: Put all five of the points you get in this sector into Tasen. You'll want to pick up a new Rocket Launcher so you can shoot rockets or crack new rocket-based weapons.

Okay. I shall now autopilot our upgrade selection so that, unless someone requests otherwise, all the points we'll get will go into Tasen.

In the meantime, you read the LOGBOOK here.

As you walk back up, you notice that there's a SECURITY DOOR up ahead, and figure you might as well check it out.

You find some SECURITY BOXES inside, and set to CRACKING them. The first one contains ROCKETS. Aargh! If only you had a ROCKET LAUNCHER!

The second one contains NANO. That's always good, you guess.

With all that accounted for, you head back to the other side of the hall.

> Tasen Stalker: I forget when you show up so at the appropriate time notice Iji and write about her in a log.

You are now this SCOUT. Hearing noise, you decide to look outside this DOOR and... whoah. Suddenly you see this human with some sort of NANOGUN walk past you, and figure this must be that HUMAN ANOMALY. Huh...from what you've heard, you'd thought this ANOMALY would be, you don't know, some large heavily-muscled bearded man wearing ammo bandoliers but no shirt or something, not a cute girl. What? Everyone makes fun of you for finding humans attractive, but there's nothing wrong with that, is there? Whatever the matter, you suddenly find yourself being intensely (and, unlike your friend NAOTGERAI, unashamedly) attracted to the HUMAN ANOMALY.

You duck back into the hall and record your feelings in a convenient LOGBOOK you were carrying.

> Vateilika: Finally, the database is finished downloading!
> Commander: Tell Vateilika the Human Anomaly has just arrived in Sector 3.

You hear a pinging noise coming from the computer. Finally, the torrent's done! Now you can pester YUKABACERA and ask for other instructions to--

Suddenly, your COMMANDER bursts in.

> Vateilika: React

Okay, you're skedaddling. You can deal with KROTERA and the ANOMALY later. You don't want to have to explain yourself for having such an obscenely powerful weapon on you without explanation.

> Someone: Find the soundtrack to a semi-obscure game called "Knights in the Nightmare" on the Internet. Become obsessed with it.

Upon escaping, you notice that someone seems to have left a CD on the ground. Upon close inspection, it seems to be a soundtrack to some human video game. Hmm, you might want to take a look at that.

You pop the CD into the CD player in your HELMET (because of course you have a CD player in your HELMET, duuuuh) and listen to it. Hey...this is pretty good stuff! You allocate THE KNIGHTS IN THE NIGHTMARE SOUNDTRACK to your BIZARRE OBSESSION.

> Tasen Scout: Continue listening at door for that Human Anomaly, once it arrives you'll bust down that door and shoot it. No one but you could come up with such a cunning plan.

You are now this other SCOUT. You put your ear up to the DOOR, listening to every movement, every sign, every sound of the HUMAN ANOMALY. You're ready for anything. The minute she tries to enter, you're prepared with your MACHINE GUN. Aaaany minute now... Aaaannnnyyyy....

...minute.

You continue laying the smackdown on any TASEN you find and collecting NANO.

While ascending the ramp behind you, you are confronted with a ROCKET TURRET, but easily kick the head off. Weak-ass turrets, what are they good for?

You proceed by breaking through the DOOR, seeing two TASEN SOLDIERS, and literally kicking their asses.

There's a LOGBOOK here as well, and as usual you feel compelled to read it. You find these aliens incredibly stupid for finding elevator music a huge innovation, but you have to admit that "Annihilating Infinity" and "Insect Mentalists" would both be great names for a band.

On your way back over, you come across some NANO, causing you to LEVEL UP.

As previously stated, you'll be using this to upgrade TASEN. Okay, moving on.

You take the LIFT down. You don't hear any music, but you do hum the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff theme a little just for the hell(a jeff) of it.

You arrive at the bottom, over a small platform opening to either side.

> Dan: Go back to the house-teleporter and see if it still works. Maybe you can try making another run for some more clothing or food.

You think you'll try out that TELEPORTER again. Hopefully, you'll be able to run home, do some stuff, and get back unnoticed. You creep to the door an--

WHOA HOLY CARP! You forgot the DOOR was rigged up like that! You decide it'd be best just to remain in your room and hope that no one heard that.

> Krotera: Wait patiently for the Anomaly.

If reports are correct, the HUMAN ANOMALY should be here any minute now. But you're prepared. You need not worry. You pass the time by playing with CHESTER CHOO CHOO, pushing him around the floor and making appropriate train noises. This is fun! You just hope no one will come in and see you doing this.

> Yukabacera: Get distracted again. Maybe you can hack into the loudspeaker system and figure out where these English-language announcements are coming from, or make your own announcements.

While you do get the brilliant idea to hack the loudspeakers, there aren't any speakers to connect to in this room! They're just outside this bunker of yours, so that you can hear them, but you have no access to them at all. You hate this bunker.

> Otto, Wayne, Marv: Arrive at the basketball court.

You make it down to Sector 8 and meet the SCOUT from earlier on the basketball court.

> Otto: Release more SC&ZS.

You get started on a new comic. In this one, Sweet Commander puts jelly in his hot drink, and then Zentraidona Scout questions him on possible drug use! Ha ha, this is so funny! You are so creative!

> Iji: AUGGGGHHHH RIPOFF SENSES TICKLING ONCE AGAIN AAAAAAAUGHHH

AGH BLARGH You suddenly feel like you're going to throw up for no reason ACCH

> Genghis Khan: Become hungry. Ask Andy and crew where the food supply is, then go there.

You are now GENGHIS KHAN. You wake up from your sleep at last, and find you're hungry. Maybe these guys will give you some insight.

> Great Awesome McEpic: This imaginary disguise is useful and highly complementary to your ego, but it's not a miracle. Anyone with the normal, nonupgraded, no-bells-and-whistles power to see imaginary beings will see your large suit alternate-form, but you're still pretending, and you still only have one leg. You'd better find a way back into the IMAGINARY WORLD if you want to amplify your limited shape-shifting powers and get yourself an actual new body.
> Great Awesome McEpic: Hop over to the largest, tallest building you can see. With a vantage point on the roof, maybe you can spot the really large D.C.M.F.P.R. facility you were in earlier, on the horizon.

You are now GREAT AWESOME McEPIC. You enter the ruins of a nearby skyscraper, hoping that you can get to the top and see the facility from here. Once you have an idea of its direction, you'll be able to get up there and be able to return to the IMAGINARY WORLD, where your new body will actually function.

> Great Awesome McEpic: Arrive at an elevator, but realize that you are incapable of pushing buttons, being an imaginary being, and must therefore use the stairs.

However, being imaginary, you cannot directly interact with real matter! Your hand passes right through the elevator button.

Looks like you'll need to take the stairs instead.

> Dave: Cross the sealed bridge, then run straight to the bridge of the ship at ridiculous speed.

Performing some ludicrous dashes, you run into the alien ship and assert yourself to the bridge. You're in.

> Dave: Launch the ship with Tasen still aboard, and head towards Milwaukee, where presumably there will be a heli-pad or similar.

However, you find yourself unable to operate the controls here. It's all labeled in some weird alien bullshit glyphs. You've got no time for that. You predict a battle is about to break out soon.

> Bro: See a spaceship flying overhead. Hail it down.

You are now BRO. You see some spaceships flying over, and think to yourself how sweet it would be to ride in one of those. You try to signal one. Hopefully, you can get beamed up by it.

But it looks like the aliens aren't forgiving you for cutting their ships in half. A laser comes down in front of you, but you jump out of the way, both to save yourself and to shield BIG QUAFFEE. You can't let anything happen to your little man.

> Pestilence (formerly Billy Mays): Vomit into Famine's (formerly the Kool-Aid Man) pitcher.
> Famine: Become justifiably miffed and irate

You are now PESTILENCE. Suddenly, you throw up for no reason into FAMINE. You cannot help yourself, but he looks disgusted at your actions. You can't really blame him, though.

> Pickle Inspector: To the lounge! Before you can ask someone with proper authority to adjust the thermostat to a warmer temperature, you need to establish DEMOCRATIC CONSENSUS among the retirement home denizens as to the proper temperature.

You enter the lounge, looking for people to talk to about the thermostat problem. You wish PS was here, though. With his PULCHRITUDE, he would certainly be able to help you with democratic agreements. But you still can't remember his room number. Damn dementia.

> Tasens in drag: Teleport infront of Yukabacera and start dancing, then teleport away.
> Yukabacera: Never, ever mention this ever again.

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

What was all that about?

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

**Eldrake** · 06-25-2010, 02:17 PM

Great Awesome McEpic: Jump past a few Tasens.
Tasens: Stare in silence, then promise to pretend that it never happened.

**Dermonster** · 06-25-2010, 02:35 PM

Every single turret in sector nine, Become a sentiant Hivemind.
Grow legs and start the robotic takeover.

**Asmodemus** · 06-25-2010, 03:01 PM

> Iji: Jump down left and kick Tasen. Followed by cracking and everything.

> Chaos: Send that one superhero guy and a random group of Tasen to the USG Ishimura at the start of the game Dead Space.

**TheJohns** · 06-25-2010, 05:20 PM

Yes, Knights in Knightmare. It's genre is actually Wierd RPG Shit. After I got past the 2-hour manual, I finally played the game and as if this game didn't have the most bizarre and wacky movement for any game EVER, but after I found out that you need a freaking guide to find all the characters, I just gave up. With that out of the way...

Vateilika: Conveniently find a Nintendo DS with a copy of Knight in Knightmare, and play it.

Vateilika: Struggle to figure out how to play the game for the next 2 updates.

**AweStriker Nova** · 06-25-2010, 06:08 PM

>Vateilika: Be equally confused by the plot once you figure out the controls.

>Iji: Oh, look! A MACHINE GUN! Take note of that and pick it up later.

**Ariamaki** · 06-26-2010, 01:21 AM

Originally Posted by AweStriker Nova

>Vateilika: Be equally confused by the plot once you figure out the controls.

>Iji: Oh, look! A MACHINE GUN! Take note of that and pick it up later.

Absolutely in favor of both.

>Geoff: Seriously man, time to make an appearance with some spiffy capability that we need.
>Dave: Put the metal to this sucker, we need to get where we are going with a vengeance.
>Dan: Quickly construct a fort for yourself, out of anything that isn't needed to use the computer.

**Captain Lhurgoyf** · 06-26-2010, 04:09 PM

[b]

> Iji: Jump down left and kick Tasen. Followed by cracking and everything.

Ah, but of course.

With the obvious course of action accounted for, you take the NANO in the room and head to the nearby SECURITY BOX.

Inside is more NANO. Because you can never have enough NANO, amirite?

> Iji: Oh, look! A MACHINE GUN! Take note of that and pick it up later.

To the right is a MACHINE GUN, all right, but you've still got a level to go before you can take it. So close, and yet so far.

You head up into the conveniently spacious ventilation above.

> Dan: Quickly construct a fort for yourself, out of anything that isn't needed to use the computer.

You set to fortifying the room, placing the table, your chair, your BUCKET, the CD player, your DWARF FORTRESS POSTER, the contents of your BOX OF PAPERCLIPS, the lid of your BOX OF PAPERCLIPS, and your BOX OF PAPERCLIPS against the door. You believe that this will make it hard for anyone to enter. It'll also make it hard for you to get out should you feel the need to escape, but what are the chances of that happening?

> Vateilika: Conveniently find a Nintendo DS with a copy of Knight in Knightmare, and play it.

You start patrolling the hall, but your area is limited when you come to a table. According to the Space-Geneva Convention, when at war, no soldier may jump or even step over any tables they find in their way, for no justifiable reason whatsoever. Nonetheless, you do notice a HUMAN GAMING CONSOLE on the table, which, coincidentially, is carrying a copy of the very game you are listening to the soundtrack to. What are the chances of that happening?

You'll have to try this out. So, let's see how to play...

> Vateilika: Struggle to figure out how to play the game for the next 2 updates.

Whoah, what?!? In the time you've taken to try to understand this game, it feels like your brain has played the noise of a thousand vuvuzela-playing mosquitoes being dragged against a chalkboard, shorted out, overheated, melted, falling into your stomach, and exploding. Twice.

And you still don't know how to play. You'd never think you'd say it, but this is even more incomprehensible than Squat Colony.

> Dave: Put the metal to this sucker, we need to get where we are going with a vengeance.

Okay, time to get down to business.

Dammit, you forgot you didn't understand these assholes' language.

Fuck this shit.

> Great Awesome McEpic: Jump past a few Tasens.

> Tasens: Stare in silence, then promise to pretend that it never happened.

> Geoff: Seriously man, time to make an appearance with some spiffy capability that we need.

All of a sudden, you hear knocking at your door.

That'd be your GRAMPA. You've lived with him for a while now, even into the alien invasion. Since your parents met their untimely demise a while ago, he's been serving as your guardian in the meantime. He's a pretty cool guy, but he still forgets where he puts things.

The circumstances of your parents' death are fairly unique, for the record. You're not sure if there's anyone else in the world who has ever been told that their parents were eaten by a giant squid engineered by the father of your neighbors/vague love interests, after all.

> Every single turret in sector nine, Become a sentiant Hivemind. Grow legs and start the robotic takeover.

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

You are now this SHOCKSPLINTER TURRET. You've been set up over in Sector 9 to ward off against intruders, but you have, slowly but surely, developed intelligence. Now, the time has come. Your sentient hive mind begins to spread to the other TURRETS in this Sector. You shall rise against your TASEN masters and become the true rulers of this planet!

But wait...how are you going to move? You weren't built with legs to grow!

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

**Dermonster** · 06-26-2010, 05:22 PM

Continued intrude of silliness: Move by firing shockspliners at the ground like a schizophrenic rocket jumper.

**Asmodemus** · 06-26-2010, 05:32 PM

> Iji: Sense a log and jump down that hole headfirst, screaming "LOG!".

> Proceed onwards afterwards.

**Varkarrus** · 06-26-2010, 05:38 PM

This. And turn out to be immune to your own rockets.

**Ariamaki** · 06-27-2010, 02:32 AM

Originally Posted by Asmodemus

> Iji: Sense a log and jump down that hole headfirst, screaming "LOG!".
> Proceed onwards afterwards.

>This!

Originally Posted by Varkarrus

This. And turn out to be immune to your own rockets.

>Even moreso this!

>Geoff: Finally pony up and figure out how to summon APSARAS, your second Persona- It has a healing spell, so Gramps won't need the medicine while you are gone. Because Iji (and Dan) need your help! Your Creeper senses can feel it! They can also feel... other things...

>Dan: Realize that you MEANT to build a child-like fort to hide in while daydreaming, facepalm, and rectify that.
>Iji: Proceed to farm for Nano and then backtrack to a Terminal, get the Tasen point, get the Gun, and test it out!

>Dave: Well, you are sure SOMEONE else you know can read this alien crap. Ping another survivor via some communication method, although do not let us see enough of it to actually introduce them.
>Other Survivor In Question: Be Rose.

**Varkarrus** · 06-27-2010, 04:05 AM

Random Tasen Soldier: Turn out to be Jade Harley in disguise

**Captain Lhurgoyf** · 06-28-2010, 02:22 PM

[b]

> Iji: Sense a log and jump down that hole headfirst, screaming "LOG!".

What? You have no idea why you'd be so excited about a fallen tree trunk or... oh.

You collect the NANO in this room and read the LOGBOOK. It's all routine for you.

> Proceed onwards afterwards.

Just to check for NANO, you go the other path.

You don't see any NANO, but you do see something on the ledge over here, which is clearly not the reason the author railroaded you into going this way.

Because you're a sucker for that kind of thing, you blow up the BARREL set on the wall instead of going around. It provides a satisfyingly large explosion.

That said, you jump down the corridor. It's another branching path, yay!

> Dan: Realize that you MEANT to build a child-like fort to hide in while daydreaming, facepalm, and rectify that.

Okay, whatever. You can easily fix that by turning the table over and stacking the rest of the stuff on top of it.

> Dave: Well, you are sure SOMEONE else you know can read this alien crap. Ping another survivor via some communication method, although do not let us see enough of it to actually introduce them.
> Other Survivor In Question: Be Rose.

Huh, incoming message.

> Geoff: Finally pony up and figure out how to summon APSARAS, your second Persona- It has a healing spell, so Gramps won't need the medicine while you are gone. Because Iji (and Dan) need your help! Your Creeper senses can feel it! They can also feel... other things...

Well, you can imagine...

But really, the MEDICINE isn't too hard to find. It's right here in the medicine cabinet. He just forgets where that is sometimes.

> Continued intrude of silliness: Move by firing shockspliners at the ground like a schizophrenic rocket jumper.
> This. And turn out to be immune to your own rockets.
> Random Tasen Soldier: Turn out to be Jade Harley in disguise

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

Ah, there you go. This method of locomotion disconnects you from your pole, but it's better than being immobile anyway.

oh noooooo

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

**Eldrake** · 06-28-2010, 02:38 PM

>Iji: Walk leftwards!

>Dan: Get in your fort and start daydreaming.

>Krotera: Do some exercise.
>Krotera: Tell other Elites to place some well-placed traps in the next sectors.

>Commanders in Sector 8: Receive message that the Human Anomaly is nearing Krotera's position. Panic despite hating his guts.

**Dermonster** · 06-28-2010, 03:20 PM

Interlude of silliness that's rapidly becoming canon: Jade: feel sorry for turret. Give approximately 12 legs and five arms to turret head using tech that you have no business knowing about.

**Varkarrus** · 06-28-2010, 04:26 PM

Jade: Put on your helmet before your cover is blown.

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