Iji

[Reecer6]

Dan: Realize computers seem to expand when being used
Dave: Kill some Komato even though none of them have even entered the atmosphere
Famine: Fall out of the maze and on to War, squishing him.
Iji: Rightwards!
Angus: Be obsessed with windows, then jump through that one.
Mr. Lag: Go and bother Iji

[DarcDiscordia]

>Angus: Set Obsession to building things with Legos.

>Iji: Head to the right and shoot the shit out of anyone in your way.

>Yukabacera: Upgrade Pesterchum.

>Webcomic-drawing Tasen: Create a forum for your comic then proceed to ban anyone who says anything negative about it. Descend further into self-loathing.

>Marv/Wayne: Upgrade Health then practice shooting each other.

>Commander: Be named Bill.

>Bill: Set Obsession to composing humorous song parodies.

>RK-431: Aggress.

>RK-430: Be aggressed upon.

>Famine: Go do something.

>Dave: Duct tape pile of corpses together to create Tasen Katamari. Use the Tasen Katamari as a means of travel by running on top of it as it rolls.

>Angus: Eat ramen.

[MrGuy]

Marv: Kill COMMANDER and usurp his position.

Yukabacera: System crash. Go on an insane rampage.

HORSEPERSONS: ASSEMBLE! (Even you, GEROMY.)

[Leylite]

Okay, I only just read the last two updates and a lot of stuff happened. I am in approval of this surprisingly fast update schedule.

==

Dave: Wipe off your SWORD with your TOWEL.

Dave: Set course for the Johnson Space Center, since that that location there's bound to be either useful information, a Tasen military stronghold, or both.

==

Dave's Bro: This particular puppet you just ran over doesn't look happy to see you. Maybe if you suspend him among the other puppets you can figure out what his problem is.

==

Dan: Aw man aw man you gotta go to the bathroom. What do you do?

==

Wayne and Marv: Attempt to get to a health cyborg station, but be thwarted by your difficulty with jumping.

==

Tim: Find some commanders who are obviously bashing around some sort of earth sport ball instead of performing their managerial duties.

==

Poster scout: Name yourself

Poster scout: Head to Sector 4 and see if you can requisition access to any of the Shredders.

==

RK-430: You've got this all backwards. You were supposed to figure out how to kill the genetic monstrosity before you released it.

RK-430: Maybe if you run into the hallways, the Tasen will shoot at both you and RK-431, hopefully killing the latter.

==

Angus: Quick! What have all the movies and science-fiction books taught you about alien invasions? As the protagonist you've got to think smart and act boldly.

Angus: Well, time to manage your food supplies. Go to your refrigerator and make supper out of anything obviously perishable, like meat or bread. You can worry about packing your rucksack when you can plan and make a list.

==

Asha Devi: Find a cloaked corpse and an abandoned game of Battleship. Fear the worst.

==

Imaginary Yukari Yakumo: Appear in the IMAGINARY AFTERLIFE with IMAGINARY KROTERETTE and IMAGINARY PHANTOM HAMMER TRAIN. Since you have no immediate rivals to contest your attempts to obtain SAKE or create COMPLEX INTRICACIES and BULLET PATTERNS, you'll have to find one, since obviously manipulating the boundary between boredom and entertainment would be too simple a solution to the immediate problem.

[Kgummy]

YB: Finish up Hero Core, along with the modifications to your other game, and send 'em to that human. Also, improve the loading times of this 'Dwarf Fortress' and send this new version to the human.
Dan: Be completely surprised about this

[DimJim]

>rochelle: AX ppl a question lolol!

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[font=Courier]> Iji: Rightwards!
> Iji: Head to the right and shoot the shit out of anyone in your way.



You don't need to shoot the shit out of anyone right now, considering no one's in the path between you and the next thing of interest. You go over this big arrangement of boxes.



What's this, MORE stats you need to worry about? Oh, stairs!



You do LEVEL UP from the NANO below you, which couts for something at least.

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Nothing to report as usual. There's no real danger left here. Most troops agree with Elite Krotera though, so no alien is to escape alive.

There's also a LOGBOOK here to read. A very boring LOGBOOK.

> Dan: Aw man aw man you gotta go to the bathroom. What do you do?



Oh dear. The worst has happened. You drop your MOUSE and shake with convusions, realising you have to pee. But there's no bathroom in this control room, and you can't just go outside because there are hostile aliens all over the building. What is there to do now? Wet yourself? Go in the bucket? Pee out the door? Pee out the door and hope you hit something?

> >RK-431: Aggress.
> RK-430: Be aggressed upon.



Before you can act, the horrible monster you've created lunges on you, knocking your HANDHELD TESLA COIL out of your hands. You hopelessly struggle in its grip.

> RK-430: You've got this all backwards. You were supposed to figure out how to kill the genetic monstrosity before you released it.
> RK-430: Maybe if you run into the hallways, the Tasen will shoot at both you and RK-431, hopefully killing the latter.

You quickly take in mind your mistake of releasing this creature before you knew what to do, and hope that you can get the TASEN to kill it for you by running into them.



However, this LAB is not connected to any hallways. You can only get out by a ladder linking it to your office.



You escape up the ladder, the clone unable to follow due to its bifurcated arm. You are immediately confronted by the sight of blackened TASEN corpses, which you find a bit odd, given that your memory programming only covered your memories up to the day your original self died.

> Yukabacera: Upgrade Pesterchum.



You suddenly get the idea that your PESTERCHUM program is outdated! The copy you got for you and your squadmates back when you first touched down on this planet was 6.0, but judging from the signal you're getting, all the cool kids these days use 12.0! You have to do this later, however, because you're doing some serious market research and you have to wait for this darn world to finish generating.

> Yukabacera: System crash. Go on an insane rampage.



However, before anything can happen, your LAPTOP malfunctions. This is not good. You get so violently angry at this moment that you swear that the next person to enter this bunker will get a CFIS to the face.

> Poster scout: Name yourself
> Webcomic-drawing Tasen: Create a forum for your comic then proceed to ban anyone who says anything negative about it. Descend further into self-loathing.



You are now OTTO, the POSTER SCOUT. You've set up a forum for your webcomic, which suddenly (but predictably) becomes swamped with people saying that your comic is bad. You ban all of these people, leading to the forum becoming completely wiped out. This raises your self-loathing levels.

> Poster scout: Head to Sector 4 and see if you can requisition access to any of the Shredders.
> Commander: Be named Bill.
> Bill: Set Obsession to composing humorous song parodies.



Attempting to allevate this self-loathing, you head over to Sector 4, and find BILL, the COMMANDER, in a pitched discussion with another SCOUT, quoting some of those humourous song parodies he loves so much. But you need to ask him something.

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OTTO: Hey, Bill!
BILL: Quiet, Otto. I'm having a discussion here.
OTTO: I was just wondering to see if I can use any of the Shredders here, sir. I need them to get some of my self-loathing out.
BILL: ...
BILL: I'm sorry, but those Shredders are reserved for Soldiers. You're too low-ranking to be cleared for that. If you're so worried, though, how about you listen to my Weird Al CDs?
OTTO: Er, thanks, but no thanks.

> Marv/Wayne: Upgrade Health then practice shooting each other.
> Wayne and Marv: Attempt to get to a health cyborg station, but be thwarted by your difficulty with jumping.



You're about to upgrade your HEALTH stat, but then you realise that the nearest CYBORG STATION is a few floors under you. To get to it, you'll have to go down this shaft. And you know how you feel about that.

> Tim: Find some commanders who are obviously bashing around some sort of earth sport ball instead of performing their managerial duties.



You've been hearing quite a racket out there, so you go and investigate. It looks like some other COMMANDERS are slacking off by playing some sort of human ball game.

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COMMANDER: Yeah! Boomshakalaka!
TIM: Okay, what are you up to now? Shouldn't you be on your jobs commanding and all that?
COMMANDER: This isn't what it looks like. Really!
TIM: Then what is it?
COMMANDER: Well, it LOOKS like we're just slacking off, but in reality, I'm doing something productive by practicing my Showboat Jam!
TIM: And what, pray tell, is a Showboat Jam?
COMMANDER: Something we saw in a video game.
TIM: Uh-huh.

> Asha Devi: Find a cloaked corpse and an abandoned game of Battleship. Fear the worst.



You're getting bored with yelling the names of other famous dead people, so you have a look around. Coming around the corner here, you notice a spot of feature in the infinite featureless void of the AFTERLIFE: DEATH's table. A game of BATTLESHIP is set up on the table, and under it is a body in black robes lying in a pile of broken shards of bone.

This is bad.

DEATH would NEVER leave a game of BATTLESHIP for this long.

> Famine: Go do something.
> Famine: Fall out of the maze and on to War, squishing him.



The shock of your transformation hits you so hard, you feel yourself falling. You leave the MAZE and hurdle towards the ground.



Right into WAR.





You are now WAR.

> HORSEPERSONS: ASSEMBLE! (Even you, GEROMY.)



Suddenly, however, you feel yourself summoned, along with the other HORSEPERSONS, to hold a conference.

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DEATH: OKAY NOW GUYS. FAMINE, IF YOU JUST KILLED WAR, WHO WAS FORMERLY PESTILENCE, WHO'S GOING TO BE FAMINE NOW?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: I volunteer.
CONQUEST: But how can you even be Famine? You don't have a head to eat with! It's missing the point!
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: Oh yeah? Who's to say that, Mr. Out-Of-A-Job?

> Dave: Kill some Komato even though none of them have even entered the atmosphere



That was almost too easy. You throw your KATANA into the air as a finisher.

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TECHNICIAN: General, we've lost the signal from Cruiser 5624B.
TOR: Can someone please tell me what the Belgium is going on today?!?

> Dave: Wipe off your SWORD with your TOWEL.



The KATANA steadily tumbles back to Earth. Performing a SWEET CATCH, you grab it before it hits the ground and wipe it off with your trusty TOWEL.

> Dave: Set course for the Johnson Space Center, since that that location there's bound to be either useful information, a Tasen military stronghold, or both.



You use your iSTILLER SHADES to chart a map showing you the distance between your apartment and the Johnson Space Centre, which is not stolen from Google Maps at all. You're certain that the Space Centre will be notable in some way, but you'll have to follow Gulf Freeway quite a bit down.

> Dave's Bro: This particular puppet you just ran over doesn't look happy to see you. Maybe if you suspend him among the other puppets you can figure out what his problem is.



Hmm, it seems you have run over a weird-looking puppet. Whatcha doin' down here, little man? You wanna go back with your puppet friends, don't ya?



You string him right next to this gangsta over here. Okay, now let's see--





You emerge from your imagination in a cold sweat.

> Angus: Quick! What have all the movies and science-fiction books taught you about alien invasions? As the protagonist you've got to think smart and act boldly.
> Angus: Set Obsession to building things with Legos.



Yes! You've got to think! You know all about what to do in an alien invasion thanks to all the sci-fi media you've read and watched, and since you are clearly the protagonist of this adventure, and not, say, some girl in Wisconsin who's a die-hard fan of ironically horrible webcomics, you have to act accordingly! Your name is Angus Smartist, Lego fan, geek, collegian, and world's last hope!

> Angus: Well, time to manage your food supplies. Go to your refrigerator and make supper out of anything obviously perishable, like meat or bread. You can worry about packing your rucksack when you can plan and make a list.
> Angus: Eat ramen.



You search your fridge for anything you might need for food. There's not much, given that you've had to hold out for six months now and the frat boys had already drinken all the BEER, but you can find a few APPLES, a loaf of BREAD, a HAM, and a can of RAMEN. There's also some COLA, which you take in case you need to trade with anyone for weapons.

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In other news, I've decided that this adventure takes place in 2016. Exactly seven years after Homestuck, so there's no glaring age differences in pairings. That's why Pesterchum's version number is so high.

You think the update schedule is fast? Heh, I'm flattered! Really, I just try to get updates done so I don't leave people waiting.

[Eldrake]

>Iji: Use one point for health for survivability.

>Yukabacera: Throw your Scrambler down in disgust.
>Scrambler: Somehow shut down all possible connections between the Komato Scouts and everyone else.

>Third Komato Scout: Decide to scout the surrounding areas.

>Krotera: Be angry. Go back to imaginary world to form an army of trains against the puppet army and their cruel and brutal leader.
>Bro: Fight back against the train army with the puppet army.
>Epic Battle: Make shit real.

>Dave: Move toward that location. The sooner reached the better.

>Random Elite and his/her squad: Appear and surrender to Dave.

>Angus: Realize you are just some normal geek against millions of aliens with advanced technology, and not, like, an armed cyborg with a nanofield. Be momentarily depressed.
>War: Start testing your newfound powers. Accidentally give some kid named Angus super strength, super toughness, and the combat experience of thousand experienced martial artists.
>Deathmia: Chew out War for his fooliness, then shut up when you realize you did some stupid mistake too.

[MrGuy]

Bill: Recreate Beethoven's Fifth entirely with sound clips from TF2. Call it "Bonktoven's Fifth." Be wildly successful.

Poster Scout: Be enraged at Bill's success. Create multiple accounts on the human website he uploads it to to downvote it and generally troll him.

Iji: Keep going.

Mutant Ronclone: Find and eat candy. Evolve into SPARKLERON.

Regular Ronclone: Retrieve new weapon.

Headless horseman: Make jack-o-lantern head from a pumpkin, bait memes.

Bro: Wonder where your puppet went. Track her down.

Geromy: Palette swap. Even with the wrappings, that yellow jumpsuit is boring. Maybe make it NIGHTTIME or SNOWING, too.

[Leylite]

A gentle reminder to the author to update the stat list and roster on the first page, since there have been at least a couple changes.

==

Iji: Look at the machine gun and see if it has a shoulder strap. If so, just carry it with you until you have the sufficient Tasen nanoweapons clearance to actually incorporate the software into your own nanogun.

Iji: Look at the control pad by the door. See if the door requires a code to open. If it doesn't, open the door and then close it behind you. Otherwise just kick it open as normal since you obviously have no cracking experience whatsoever.

==

Bro: Well, time to journey further into your subconscious to seek out that sense of SELF-DOUBT or -LOATHING. When you find it you'll probably just need to destroy it with your positive thinking or grit or something, that's how those things work, right?

Bro: Move across the landscape by doing some serious shit-hitting-fan Olympic-judge exploding acrobatics, that are just not even real, since they're imaginary.

==

RK-430: Make sure you close the hatch to the lab ladder. You wouldn't want any rogue carp flopping down the ladder and providing food, or worse, genetic material, to the abomination down there, while you're processing other directives.

RK-431: FOOD FOOD FIND FOOD EAT FOOD

RK-433: System Malfunction - BIZARRE OBSESSION changed from NIKOLA TESLA to RICHARD FEYNMAN

==

Andy: Spot the Tasen guard outside Krotera's chamber at about the same time she spots you.

==

Pestilence: Disintegrate into a sickly yellow vapor. Spread around the afterlife.

[TheJohns]

Ramen doesn't come in cans, silly!

And how many subplots are there, goddamn, someone do a tally.

[Varkarrus]

Krotera: Attempt to eat Eggs.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: Look at the machine gun and see if it has a shoulder strap. If so, just carry it with you until you have the sufficient Tasen nanoweapons clearance to actually incorporate the software into your own nanogun.



You don't see a shoulder strap of any kind on this thing! Even if there was, you doubt you could carry it anyway without setting yourself comically off-balace, seeing as your NANOGUN is already too heavy for that, even with your enhanced STRENGTH.

> Iji: Use one point for health for survivability.



You put one of your POINTS into your HEALTH STAT, expanding your TOTAL HEALTH GAUGE by two pips.

> Iji: Look at the control pad by the door. See if the door requires a code to open. If it doesn't, open the door and then close it behind you. Otherwise just kick it open as normal since you obviously have no cracking experience whatsoever.



You have no idea how this KEYPAD has anything to with the door! You can't even guess its functionality in the first place! Therefore, you just kick the door open. And what do you mean you have no cracking experience in relation to doors? You put plenty of cracks in this thing!

> Iji: Keep going.



You carry on, going down this ramp into an area that, as clearly marked above you, is a kitchen.





As usual, you stop to blast the snot out of some TASEN and collect their NANO.



However, you are soon beset by some LITTLE PURPLE BLOBS. You run away from them to safety.



You come up to this little suspended level, even though there's nothing of note here.



Nothing except for good ol' lighting fixtures.



Coming down the ledge, you find a LOGBOOK right next to the EXIT.

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Seriously. Commander keeps telling is, "If you ever forget about your weapons, enemies, or abilities, check the Pause menu by pressing Escape." If this is some new helmet interface upgrade, I bet the Soldiers are keeping it from the Scouts. Jerks.

...bluh? This isn't a video game. What's this talk of pause menus and escape keys?

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DAN: ...
DAN: Um. Never mind.

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DAN: get any farther without it. Remember that you're heading for a Tasen called Krotera, as you may be able to convince him to make the Tasen and their spaceship leave the planet.
IJI: I MAY be able to convince him? You don't even know if this is possible? It's like you must be TOKING UP on a joint to make you st--
DAN: Well, no, considering his reputation - but it's all we can do at this time. I need more information on a certain subject first.
IJI: What subject?
DAN: I can't tell you yet. I said earlier that we have to take this one step at a time; I don't think you can handle it all at once.
IJI: Humph! I'm not a child. And besides, you still haven't told me why this whole alien invasion thing has gone unnoticed by the rest of the world.
DAN: Well, that's because their spaceship was really well stealthed, and... aw man, these were my on - I mean, these were my good pants. Well... stop asking questions and head for Krotera already.
IJI: Alright, got it. Doesn't look like you're telling me anything already. You haven't told me, dog!

Regardlessly, you enter Sector 2.

> RK-430: Make sure you close the hatch to the lab ladder. You wouldn't want any rogue carp flopping down the ladder and providing food, or worse, genetic material, to the abomination down there, while you're processing other directives.



You make it a priority to close the floor latch there. Safety first, after all. Even though you are a mad scientist who works in a lab full of caustic chemicals, electrical currents, sharp metal tools, monsters...

> Regular Ronclone: Retrieve new weapon.



Speaking of safety, you'll need to secure yourself by getting a new weapon, since you left your HANDHELD TESLA COIL back in the lab. You search some of the TASEN CORPSES and find a NANOGUN. Ah, the very weapon your original self would have been wielding right now were it not for his untimely death! Unfortunately, you have no NANOFIELD with which to gather new weapons, so you can only use the default setting, SHOTGUN.

> RK-431: FOOD FOOD FIND FOOD EAT FOOD



YOU NO EAT MAN. NEED FOOD. WANT TO OPEN TANK, BUT CAN'T. TENTACLE IN WAY.

> RK-433: System Malfunction - BIZARRE OBSESSION changed from NIKOLA TESLA to RICHARD FEYNMAN



Meanwhile, in said tank, the brainwashing process goes horribly wrong. You now idolise RICHARD FEYNMAN.

> Yukabacera: Throw your Scrambler down in disgust.



Ah, a much better object to throw down in disgust, given I can feasibly depict it. You throw your SCRAMBLER to the ground.

> Scrambler: Somehow shut down all possible connections between the Komato Scouts and everyone else.



For some reason, the wave given off by this concussion shuts down the communicators of the KOMATO SCOUTS three Sectors over.

> Third Komato Scout: Decide to scout the surrounding areas.



You are now ANDY, the third SCOUT. You've been getting lonely up here while your friends and fellow scouts, FRED and STEVE, entertain themselves down here. Plus, it's very un-scoutly to stay in one little enclave, even if there are TASEN about. You decide to look around.

> Andy: Spot the Tasen guard outside Krotera's chamber at about the same time she spots you.



And then you round the corner, and catch sight of... her.



Now, you know that you've just met and haven't said a thing to each other, but you sense a definite awakening of love within you. You have a thing for women in uniform, you guess, even if they're not of your species. Just before you can stumble out in your love-induced daze and lustfully talk to her, though, it hits you that she's a TASEN. You also can somehow tell that she's also a lesbian.

Your romance was never meant to be. Due to her sexuality and species, you will never be with her. You sulk off before she kills you with that GUN she's been pointing at you.

> Bill: Recreate Beethoven's Fifth entirely with sound clips from TF2. Call it "Bonktoven's Fifth." Be wildly successful.



This Team Fortress 2 playing gives you an idea, even if it is unauthorised use of the computers. You go onto a human video posting website and post a video in which you have recreated Beethoven's Fifth using sound and video from the game. This will be a hoot, you think, and it soon seems that your fans agree!

> Poster Scout: Be enraged at Bill's success. Create multiple accounts on the human website he uploads it to to downvote it and generally troll him.



You develop a deep sense of envy directed at BILL that only amplifies your self-loathing. You create some accounts on the website so you can troll him out of revenge.

> Krotera: Be angry. Go back to imaginary world to form an army of trains against the puppet army and their cruel and brutal leader.



You recover from your trauma and return to the IMAGINARY WORLD once more. This time, though, you're prepared. You imagine up an army of TRAINS to support you. Ah, these TRAINS are such better soldiers than the idiots under you in the real world.

> Bro: Fight back against the train army with the puppet army.



But it seems that the despot of this realm has gathered forces as well...

> Epic Battle: Make shit real.



> Dave: Move toward that location. The sooner reached the better.



No sense in waiting. You move on the the Space Centre, going through the streets of Dallas like some Western cowboy shit. It will take you about three updates to reach your destination.

> Angus: Realize you are just some normal geek against millions of aliens with advanced technology, and not, like, an armed cyborg with a nanofield. Be momentarily depressed.



You suddenly become faced with the reality of the situation and realise that you have no superpowers or technology. You're just a college kid, and there's an army of highly advanced alien lifeforms around you. You don't have a chance.

> War: Start testing your newfound powers. Accidentally give some kid named Angus super strength, super toughness, and the combat experience of thousand experienced martial artists.



Suddenly, you feel a wave of strength and energy come over you. It is as if some supernatural entity has heard you and had mercy. You now have the strength, toughness, and experience that is more than enough than to prepare you against the alien menace.

> Geromy: Palette swap. Even with the wrappings, that yellow jumpsuit is boring. Maybe make it NIGHTTIME or SNOWING, too.
> Deathmia: Chew out War for his fooliness, then shut up when you realize you did some stupid mistake too.

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DEATH: OKAY NOW, WAR. WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CONTROL YOUR POWERS TO CLAIM THE SOULS OF THE DEAD, NOT HAVE FUN WITH THEM.
WAR: Well, look who's talking, Ms Bring-Ghengis-Khan-Back-From-The-Dead!
DEATH: ER...

> Headless horseman: Make jack-o-lantern head from a pumpkin, bait memes.



You figure than amongst this commotion is the perfect time to make yourself a head. You take out this PUMPKIN and...



What pumpkin?

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Although I wasn't too familiar with ramen packaging when I wrote that, so I didn't know at the time. It is out there, though, and by 2016 it may well have been exported to the Western world..

[Reecer6]

Dave: Eat a pizza in the ruins of the ball tower before heading onwards
Angus: Accidentally drink Cola
War: Accidentally poke Geromy with your horns and kill him, becoming Geromy
Headless Horsemen: Accidentally headbutt Death with your non-existent head, killing her.

[Varkarrus]

Bill: Get killed my a sniper FOR THE LAST TIME. Flip the fuck out.

[CoyoteSans]

Huzzah, Sector 2! I can finally post my suggestions.

Most Bored Tasen Soldier in the Universe (AKA Naotgerai): Stop shooting WHITE WINGED ALIENS in realization you are out of HOT DRINKS.
MBTSitU: Abandon your post to begin an EPIC QUEST to obtain some more.
MBTSitU: Admire the poster of ALIEN FEMALE with STRANGE ALIEN SYMBOLS on it before you leave.

[MrGuy]

Iji: Try to jump up through that cracked ceiling I guess.

Dan: Start playing a DWARVEN DEMOMAN.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: Try to jump up through that cracked ceiling I guess.



What pumpkin cracked ceiling? You do break a CEILING LAMP, though, since you just enjoy doing that.

> Bill: Get killed my a sniper FOR THE LAST TIME. Flip the fuck out.



Suddenly, you get killed by a sniper just as you're finishing up getting clips. Okay, so you've put up with this the first twelve times, but this is too much!



You get so mad, you FLIP THE FUCK OUT and destroy the COMPUTER. MARV looks vaguely upset at the sight of this.

> Angus: Accidentally drink Cola



All this powering-up makes you thirsty, so you take a drink from the closest drinkable source you can find.



It is only after drinking it when you realise you have drank the COLA you were saving. Ah well, you're super-powerful now and hardly need guns. Besides, you have five bottles left.

> War: Accidentally poke Geromy with your horns and kill him, becoming Geromy



You feel like stretching your non-existant neck a little, but accidentally lean a little too far and impale PESTILENCE behind you.



You are now PESTILENCE.

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DEATH: OH GOD DAMMIT, WAR. NOW HOW MANY POSITIONS WILL WE HAVE TO FIND TO FILL?

> Headless Horsemen: Accidentally headbutt Death with your non-existent head, killing her.



You are now the HEADLESS HORSEMAN. WAR just gave you an idea, so you try it out by attempting to headbutt DEATH to death. This doesn't work out, since you (obviously) have no head. CONQUEST gives you a look.



DEATH, seeing all these usurpations and fearing for herself, disappears in a puff of smoke.

> Most Bored Tasen Soldier in the Universe (AKA Naotgerai): Stop shooting WHITE WINGED ALIENS in realization you are out of HOT DRINKS.



Meanwhile...





Blasting those stupid flying aliens. Never gets old. He he he! If it wasn't for that, you'd be dieing of boredom right now, but this window makes the perfect gun encampment. Your best friend YUKABACERA even set up a kill counter machine right by your post here. So far, you're up to 17. Now you'll just have some hot drinks and celebrate!

> MBTSitU: Abandon your post to begin an EPIC QUEST to obtain some more.



Uh-oh. You're out of hot drinks. There's only one answer to this situation, and that's to begin on an epic quest to retrieve them! HOT DRINKS FOR THE HOT DRINK GOD!

> MBTSitU: Admire the poster of ALIEN FEMALE with STRANGE ALIEN SYMBOLS on it before you leave.



Before you leave, though, you check out the POSTER you found outside and have since used for decoration, which seems to be some diagram of a female human. However, it's written in this planet's language, and it seems that humans never adopted the STANDARD GALACTIC ALPHABET, so you can't read it. You can only look at the picture.

Not saying that you're, like, attracted to her, or anything like that. No sir-ee.

[Reecer6]

Naotgerai: Suddenly gain the ability to read this weird language in trade for your ability to read your native language
Pestilence: Accidentally poke the Headless Horseman's stomach, killing him
Sweet Bro: Fill in the spot for War
Hella Jeff: Fill in the spot for Famine
War and Famine: Go down to Dave
Dave: Get idea of making Sweet War and Hella Famine

[Asmodemus]

> Iji: Head rightwards, check out the area.

> MBTSitU: Think on exactly how not attracted you are to this not-at-all-hot alien babe.

[Leylite]

Iji: Completely fail to kick open the door that closed behind you, to the left of the screen

Iji: Begin the cracking tutorial

==

Dan: Do you even have another pair of pants to wear? If you don't, you might have to go back to your house through that weird teleporter and risk the raided-dwarf-fortress in order to get to your room.

==

Naotgerai: Leave a sign, piece of paper, or wall etching declaring "Naotgerai was here" or similar. The only way you'll stand out in this army is if you make yourself unique and memorable, and making sure everyone knows your name is a start.

Naotgerai: If you decide to leave the bunker, then before you go make sure you use the hand truck to cart that explosive barrel into the entrance so it'll be tricky for anyone to get into there. Impossible for anyone only holding a Shotgun.

Naotgerai: Check your arsenal. It probably includes at least a shotgun in addition to the standard-issue machinegun and rocket launcher, plus whatever Yukabacera or the rest of the Open Source Weapon Netwoork has cracked.

[MrGuy]

Dan: Start playing a DWARVEN DEMOMAN.

[Eldrake]

GHOSTS OF FORMER DEATHS, WARS, PESTILENCES, AND FAMINES: Start making bets on who is next to die.

[Pacific]

Naotgerai: Draw a mustache/ horns/ glasses/ glyph of your choice on poster to prove to anyone who should come across it just how hot you don't find her.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

AMBIANCE that should have been posted two updates ago stupid stupid dumb

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> Iji: Completely fail to kick open the door that closed behind you, to the left of the screen



...Okay, so your previous failures to kick things weren't so bad because you could feasibly bring your STRENGTH up to that level, but this is ridiculous.

> Iji: Head rightwards, check out the area.
> Iji: Begin the cracking tutorial

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to be good at computers, given those stupid comics you read all the time on there, but thanks to your Nanofield this is different. Read the next message for information on the Cracking interface, which you'll use for cracking Tasen Nanotechnology.

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green node; move this around the other nodes using the arrow keys. Move the green node to the red node before the time runs out, and without hitting any flickering, dark blue nodes, and the crack will be successful.

You don't know why you want to read these INSTRUCTION LOGBOOKS in particular, but they're kind of interesting all the same despite the video-game-esque gobbledygook. You now, apparently, have the power to muck up technology with your bare hands! Wow, for any non-cyborg that would entail breaking things.







You successfully CRACK the door, causing it to shoot up into the roof in a Star Trek-esque fashion. Why can't the doors back at your house do that?

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multi-coloured "security box". Don't shoot it, as this will destroy the contents; crack it instead. If you fail to crack a security box or a security door, bad stuff can happen depending on the difficulty level. You can press Enter to abort a cracking attempt - if you do this before you have started the actual cracking (before the nodes appear), it won't count as a failure, so no adverse effects can occur. This way you can check an object's Security without attempting to crack it.

You CRACK the BOX, which causes it to explode and reveal a...thingy. You guess that's good?



You then jump up onto the table and collect the thingamagig, adding it to your WEAPONRY SELECTION GRID.

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your kick, so it can destroy obstacles and send enemies flying if you're strong enough. It has infinite ammunition, but a painful reload time. Save it for when you're stronger and more experienced.

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him as well - weak enemies die if this happens, while powerful ones lose half of their current hit points. You can't just walk up to an enemy and crack his Nanofield; you'd better try it when they stand still. Hide behind something until your enemies calm down and turn their backs to you. A pretty high Crack stat is required to crack most Tasen, but don't be afraid to try it later on. When a cracked enemy dies, it will always drop some useful ammunition, even enemies that never drop ammo otherwise.

You continue on to the next LOGBOOK, right next to a weird looking machine.

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to check the pause menu.

And the long-ass tutorial ends on another bizarre note about pause menus. Seriously, what?

> Dan: Do you even have another pair of pants to wear? If you don't, you might have to go back to your house through that weird teleporter and risk the raided-dwarf-fortress in order to get to your room.



It didn't dawn on you to bring any spare PANTS. For all you know, this could be one of the last two articles of human lower body wear left in the world. Okay, probably not, but you can pretend for dramatic effect. Well, since you were actually paying attention during the tour, you know that there's a launderette over in Sector 6, but that's still one sector over from where you are, and probably guarded. Well, to look on the bright side, you're glad it was just water, if you get my drift.

> Naotgerai: Leave a sign, piece of paper, or wall etching declaring "Naotgerai was here" or similar. The only way you'll stand out in this army is if you make yourself unique and memorable, and making sure everyone knows your name is a start.



You get out your trusty MARKER and leave a message on the wall proclaiming how you were here, in an attempt at declaring your individuality.

> Naotgerai: Draw a mustache/ horns/ glasses/ glyph of your choice on poster to prove to anyone who should come across it just how hot you don't find her.

While you've got the MARKER, you also get the idea to deface your POSTER.







B-But...





Y-you can't do it. You can't deface that POSTER. If you did any graffiti on the human's face, it would, uh, become so much more hideous than it is now that, er, it would, well, uh, it would create an event horizon of uglyness. Yeah. That's it.

> MBTSitU: Think on exactly how not attracted you are to this not-at-all-hot alien babe.



Clearly, you mean this not-at-all-hot alien non-babe, because you do not feel any form of attraction regarding the individual depicted in this POSTER. In no way do you find this human attractive in any way, because clearly your own purple snout-having people are much more attractive than this hideous beige non-snouted hag, this description being a completely accurate summation of your feelings regarding her. You are in no way attracted to humans at all. The only person you know of who is is that SCOUT you've had occasional water cooler talk with, and you fully believe that his attraction towards humans is utterly disgusting and you would never agree with him. It is also worth noting that, although everything you have said is the utter truth, if you felt the need to lie in any given situation you would always do so flawlessly because you are the best lier and secret-keeper in the universe and in no way do you spill your true feelings in denial of them.

> Naotgerai: If you decide to leave the bunker, then before you go make sure you use the hand truck to cart that explosive barrel into the entrance so it'll be tricky for anyone to get into there. Impossible for anyone only holding a Shotgun.



You leave your post. You also get an idea to secure it by putting an EXPLOSIVE BARREL over the entrance, but you don't have any BARRELS or HAND TRUCKS available. You'll have to find a way to get some.

> Naotgerai: Check your arsenal. It probably includes at least a shotgun in addition to the standard-issue machinegun and rocket launcher, plus whatever Yukabacera or the rest of the Open Source Weapon Netwoork has cracked.



You check your NANOGUN to see what's been loaded onto it. In addition to the default SHOTGUN which none of you ever really use since it's so weak in most situations, and the standard MACHINE GUN and ROCKET LAUNCHER, you've also got several WEAPONS that your old friend YUKABACERA has given you, namely, a RESONANCE DETONATOR, a PULSE CANNON, a SHOCKSPLINTER, and a SPLINTERGUN. Yup, good ol' Yuka. You two go way back. He even created a website entirely to talk to you because he hadn't found PESTERCHUM yet. You've heard that he's been gathering supplies for a new weapon-cracking project he calls Project Rohtocilev, which is so secret you don't even know what it is, although he's mostly just been coding a sequel to his hit game HERO 3D lately.



> Sweet Bro: Fill in the spot for War
> Hella Jeff: Fill in the spot for Famine
> War and Famine: Go down to Dave
> Dave: Get idea of making Sweet War and Hella Famine

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

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DEATH: YOU TWO HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AS THE NEXT WAR AND FAMINE. YOU MUST GO TO THE EARTH NOW AND FULFIL YOUR DUTIES.

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

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A few closing notes:

1) MrGuy, I'm not deliberately ignoring you. The TF2 roguelike Dan got is still just a TF2 roguelike, not Team Dwarf Fortress. Yukabacera still hasn't coded in dwarves because his computer crashed before he could revise the game. However, if he does finish it, I'll be sure to use that command.

2) Yes, you can feel free to make weapons that weren't in the original game, or even involve two weapons. As long as one component in the combination is a weapon, it can be used. So feel free to suggest combinations like Shotgun + Iji's Shoes, although we'd need to raise our Crack level first given that cracking the two level 1 weapons is still a level 3 combination.

3) Since no one commented on it, this is where I was going when I mentioned Standard Galactic Alphabet last update. I played the hell out of the Commander Keen games as a kid, so I couldn't resist slipping in a reference there. My question is, should I actually use SGA in the updates? The alien writing we've seen before was in the Latin alphabet, mostly to make it easy to read, but would anyone mind if I switched to using SGA for any alien signs that will show up later?