Iji

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: Kick the door, and then screech like a Witch, in an attempt to disorient the Tasen inside the building.
> Iji: Kick down door, kick Tasen if you're strong enough.
> Iji: Onward!

You're not really that good at imitating Left 4 Dead sound effects, so you do this instead:

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IJI: I TOLD YOU ABOUT STAIRS, BRO!!!
COMMANDER: CONT--Wait, what the belgium?

You set right to unleashing your FEET OF FURY.



Running back into the building, you catch sight of a HEALTH STATION. You go and set your HEALTH back to LEVEL 3, because you won't last long against a COMMANDER with just two HIT POINTS.



While you're getting HEALTH back, however, the COMMANDER sweeps you across the room with his claw. It's a madhouse in here!



As soon as you can feel your face, you get up and jump onto the ledge above you, activating the CHECKPOINT. That was close.







Okay, back to TASEN-KICKING.



You land on a sizeable portion of NANO and LEVEL UP at around the same time you kick this TURRET. What a deal!



And because you can never have enough NANO, you hop up onto this ledge to get more.

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My good person, have you ever considered a replacement? Yes, the army may have given you a standard old Machinegun, mayhap even a Rocket launcher if you were indeed so lucky, but what we have here is something quite different. Why, it's a Shotgun that fires thrice as fast as the regular flavour! Presenting the Buster gun, the cutting edge of yesterday's technology at an affordable budget price. This hastily cracked combination of a Shotgun and Machinegun may not look too much for the world, and uses a questionable lot of ammunition, but in the right hands it may just be a life-saver. We're not really sure. But look on the bright side - you'd rather be stuck in a planetary with one of these on your side than a pack of Blits! Brought to you by Redundant Technologies - Inventing Yesterday Today. (Redundant Technologies strongly discourages any attempt to crack your Nanogun to produce this Nanoweapon yourself. Seriously, don't do it. Please.)

There's also a LOGBOOK up here. Always good. Reading this one reminds you that your RESONANCE REFLECTOR and BUCKSHOT AMPLISPLODER disappeared into the void when you REBOOTED yourself, and that makes you sad. You'll have to crack them again when you find a WEAPON STATION.

> If memory serves, there is a Rocket Launcher in this room. Along with another Tasen Upgrade Station. You know what to do.



In the meantime, you put that POINT into TASEN. You still have one LEVEL to go before you can wield a ROCKET LAUNCHER, but you'll get to that.



Anyway, where to now?

> Iji: Consider getting an even mix of Crack and Tasen and trying to make new weapon combos.

At this rate, we'll have to use our last normal point for this Sector on Tasen if we want a rocket launcher by the end of it (and we do. Don't lie.). However, I can put the Supercharge for this sector into Crack, because at this rate, we'll be getting that too.

> Urist McDan: Head out and look for anything interesting or things that need doing.
> Urist McDan: Head onwards, admiring any ENGRAVINGS you see.



You walk across the room to the MEETING HALL. Here, the DWARVES of the FORTRESS meet to discuss and/or argue over various manners. Some of your fellow residents are here, but they seem to be in the middle of a conversation, so you ignore them. You check out the rather impressive ENGRAVING on the back wall instead.



On the wall is an ENGRAVING of a DWARF and DWARVES. The DWARF is on fire. The DWARF is surrounded by the DWARVES. The DWARVES are laughing.

This is an accurate depiction of the incident last Malachite. You give props up to the artist, COG STEELFLAME. Sadly, he died in a tragic incident recently involving elephants.

> Yukabacera: Wonder if the Human Anomaly have arrived in sector 3. Message Vateilika.

You're concerned about VATEILIKA, since you've heard that the HUMAN ANOMALY has gotten into Sector 3, and last you heard from her, that's where she was moved to. You'd also like to check on the status of the cracked MPFB DEVASTATOR.

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-- yukaBacera [YB] began pestering vateiLika [VL] --

YB: Vateilika?
YB: ...
YB: Are you there?
YB: ....

> Vateilika: Be too busy trying to make sense of the plot to answer Yukabacera
> Vateilika: Lose repeatedly to Gunther's annoying one-hit-kill attacks and question the developers' logic in putting a boss this difficult this early in the game.



AAAARGGGHHH! HOW is that even fair?!? What kind of game designer puts such a tough boss in so early? This is dumb! Seriously, that is such a cheap trick! And this plot still isn't making any sense!!!! GAH! But you like the music, anyway.

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I've never actually played KitN, so I'm pretty much going from what you said. Yeah...

> Yukabacera: Oh my god! The Human Anomaly must have killed her!



Oh no! No response! B-but...the HUMAN ANOMALY must have killed her! NOOOOOO! Not your former sweetheart! And now whatever you had left of a plan will never come to fruition! CURSE YOU, ANOMAAALLLLYYYYYYY!!!!! CUUUURRRRSSSEEEE YOOOOOOOUU!!!!

> Geoff: Head outside and see how things are going.



You take a look outside, but things are still pretty bleak. The ground is beaten and cratered, plant life has withered away, many larger buildings are blown straight through, when it rains it's acidic, and occasionally some alien ships fly over on patrol.

You wonder how the Kataisers are even sticking around through all of this. Maybe the conditons aren't so bad up in Wisconsin.

Oh, who are you kidding? They're probably, you don't know, hiding out in some elabourate highly-fortified military complex or something. You don't know.



> Interlude of Silliness: Have every single character including those who haven't even appeared yet start the RAVE!

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

Okay, here we go now. (spoiled for big pictures)

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You gather up every important character who is currently alive in their own time frame, from all three adventures thus far set in this universe, including those who haven't appeared but eventually will. In the immortal words of Hella Jeff: let's DO this thing. lets make this shit work. where doing it man

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where MAKING THIS HAPEN

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

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Phew! This Interlude of Silliness took FOREVER to make, so I hope it's worth it. This should give you a sneak peak at some of my character designs for future appearances! Okay, that's a lie. I actually didn't make any sprites in advance, so the future characters were all drawn from scratch. But they'll still look that way when they are introduced, so hey.

Arcalane: Hey, you're the guy who RPs PH on Formspring! I was wondering if you'd ever get here. For the record, I'm the one behind the Iji, Flip Hero, Ansaksie, and Iosa accounts. Yes, they were all one guy's alts all this time. In fact, the last two actually are a bit of spoilers for how I'm writing said characters here, but I couldn't resist. Welcome aboard!

[TheJohns]

>Yukabacera: To add insult to the injury, Flip Hero is now officially dead to you because some schmucks decide to ruin the meme.

[Arcalane]

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Arcalane: Hey, you're the guy who RPs PH on Formspring! I was wondering if you'd ever get here. For the record, I'm the one behind the Iji, Flip Hero, Ansaksie, and Iosa accounts. Yes, they were all one guy's alts all this time. In fact, the last two actually are a bit of spoilers for how I'm writing said characters here, but I couldn't resist. Welcome aboard!

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...oh dear, that's not very encouraging. pH's initial "you want a hug too?" comment was supposed to be rather mean teasing, but tone doesn't transfer well over the internet and then things went d'awwwwww.

I'd figured you were behind Iosa, tbh. Didn't take a rocket scientist to put two and two together.

Anyway, don't expect me to hang around or post much. I wouldn't want to spoil things for everyone.

Speaking of which, fairly serious game spoiler below. If any of you have any intention of playing Iji yourself, in a serious, relatively unspoiled fashion, you should probably avoid the spoiler below, even though I've littered it with blackbox censor-spoilers as well. This is mostly just to remind Cap'n RIP AND TEAR here not to fuck up if he wants to go for all the Supercharges.

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If you've played the game and know about this already, the little context that remains along with the length of some of the boxes should be enough for you to remember the rest. If not, hopefully it won't spoil a fairly big secret.

Oh, and don't forget: do not kill the █████ ███████ in this sector. You will need them alive to gain access to the ████ ██████ in ██████ ██, which has the [REDACTED] and the [DATA EXPUNGED]. The soldier is also the key to getting this sector's poster with a little careful kicking, but I figure you probably have that already.

[AweStriker Nova]

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It's a real-time turn-based stylus-driven bullet-hell strategy role playing game.

Now you know why the controls took two updates to learn.

>Iji: Recrack stuff. Including this Buster Gun thing. Try doing something else and see if you can't get a MEGA BUSTER out of it.

[Asmodemus]

> Interlude of silliness: Sentinel Proxima: Unauthorized Personnel detected. Activate Nuke.

> Iji: Tasen-killing senses, tingling! Kill the tasen on the level above before continuing.

> Tasen scout: Wonder what's up with all the noise in here recently.

> Urist McDan: Listen in on conversation.

[Dermonster]

> Interlude of silliness: Sentinel Proxima: Unauthorized Personnel detected. Activate Nuke.

Silly asmo, they don't use nukes. They use Ghost Bombs, a variant of the Phantom Hammer.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: Tasen-killing senses, tingling! Kill the tasen on the level above before continuing.



You would have had run into TASEN either way, but no matter. Up it is!



First order of business: SCOUT-KICKING!



Second order of business: climbing!



You arrive at the next floor and see a L--wait, look at all that NANO! AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA WHERE do you even get NANO thats that big?

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I never thought I'd live to see an Alpha Strike. Sure, the one we used on this planet was just a taste of a real, full-force Strike, but the kind of destructive force we wield now is insane. Sometimes I wonder if building bigger weapons every industrial cycle really counts as technological progress... pah, that's flawed logic. We'd never have been able to defend ourselves from the Komato without the Alpha Strike, so who's complaining? Besides, stolen technology is always cheaper, and it's technically not on our concious that way.

You will read the LOGBOOK, though.



You collect the NANO, bringing your total up by quite a bit. You notice something else in front of you - it looks like the JUMP UPGRADE you found earlier, but this one says "ARMOUR" and is inscribed with a picture of a breastplate. You conclude that it improves your vision.

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DAN: still have to be careful not to get, uh, hit by rockets.
IJI: Okay, Dan. Thanks. But you sound kind of out of it... are you okay? Or do I want to know?
DAN: Uh...quiet down, I'm listening to these other dwarves.
IJI: Okay, I take it I don't want to know.

Oh. Whatever. Time to move on now...hey wait, another LOGBOOK!

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Dear logbook, this turn I was transferred to a different subsection of this human building. I've been moved all over the place, but I'm still not close enough to my girlfriend. It's hardly rare for girls as young as me joining the army, so it's not like they will treat me better than anyone else, and move me to her just because I want to. As long as I keep asking to change Commander for personal reasons, I'll end up with my girlfriend sooner or later, but I can't blame phobic disorders forever.

Okay, moving on. You can't let depressed lesbians slow you down.

> Urist McDan: Listen in on conversation.

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GLASSMAKER: We should be visited by a caravan from Bricksmells later into the week.
ARMOURER: That's good. Our supplies have been low since the last goblin siege.
WOODCUTTER: Where should we place our trade depot?
ARMOURER: I don't know. We should keep it in a safe location out of the way from kobolds. We all know what happened with our last one.
CHAMPION: Should I send my axedwarves to stand guard?
GLASSMAKER: Perhaps. In the meantime, I'll be prepating crafts.

Uh-oh, it looks like the AXEDWARF CHAMPION wants you to stand guard. You were planning on spending your time drinking PLUMP HELMET WINE and SPARRING with your friends. How are you going to get out of this?

> Yukabacera: To add insult to the injury, Flip Hero is now officially dead to you because some schmucks decide to ruin the meme.



In another attempt to ward off your boredom, you check back on TCHAN. However, you see that dozens of trolls have posted in your FLIP HERO FACTS topic, claiming that FLIP HERO is nowhere near as mindblowingly badass as he's made out to be, that people should appreciate him for who he really is, and that this thread, much like so much other FLIP HERO-related narratives, is spreading the wrong message. Gah! Can't these morons tell that it's not meant to be taken seriously?!? Who cares if FLIP HERO never actually caused a supernova by firing an EXPEL at Charles Barkley as he was performing a Chaos Dunk, can't you just laugh and be done with it?!?! That's it! You're through with your involvement in the FLIP HERO fandom! Oh, sure, you'll still release HERO CORE because you've already promised /v/ you would, but you'll be changing the plot so he dies at the last minute and was really a robot all along. Who cares if that blatantly contradicts true events? If it's what you want to write, you can do it!



> Interlude of silliness: Sentinel Proxima: Unauthorized Personnel detected. Activate Nuke.
> Silly asmo, they don't use nukes. They use Ghost Bombs, a variant of the Phantom Hammer.

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS



You are now PROXIMA. Who are all these people, anyway, and what are they doing dancing about in front of these flashing lights with their luminescent plastic rods? You're getting worn out by this! You've got to do something.

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Yeah, I had to redraw Proxima for this picture. Since I didn't have a normal-size panel to go by, I ended up drawing him to be so big he would have taken up an entire image!

Subjects terminated. Area cleared. That was easy enough.

END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

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One thing I forgot to mention: there are at least two characters I have planned for later who I didn't put in the group shot. Mainly, that's because I want their appearances to be a surprise. He he he.

Arc, rest assured that I'm fully aware of that and, since someone requested it earlier, I will be leaving the █████ ███████ alone. This is actually my fourth playthrough, so I know quite a few things about the game and its secrets.

[Eldrake]

>Iji: CRUSH. BURN. KILL.

>Dan McUrist: Throw your shirt and run out clucking like a chicken so that you can get what you want.

>Yukabacera: Initiate plan "Rage On The World".

>GEMcA: It's likely the Anomaly will kill Krotera. Warn him to escape, or you will end up being unimagined by the time the Anomaly appears.
>Krotera: Is he trying to warn you? Clearly it isn't SIMcM, and someone who is completely different.

>Soldier who have been cloned too many times: Be one by now, having been beaten to submission.

>Angus: Appear... somewhere.

[Leylite]

Iji: Head up the ledges to the left. Kill everyone so you can get one more Tasen point for a rocket launcher. Make sure you have a rocket launcher before you use the teleport.

==

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS:

Tasen Commander: Successfully kill Iji.

==

Urist McDan: Calmly walk away and let some other dwarf get stuck with guard duty.

AdjectiveNoun NounVerber: Find some unmarked levers and pull them.

==

Steve: Observe the Human Anomaly on some camera feed

Fred: Lock up everything.

Andy: Boast that you'll easily be able to destroy a human, nanotechnology or not.

(Only one of the three Komato scouts has the Hyper Pulse. I'm voting for it to be Andy, in a retroactive-continuity manner, since right now all three are listed as having only the regular Pulse Cannon.)

==

Dave: Check which controls are closest to that central seat the commander was sitting in. Those have got to be the most important controls.

Bro: Pester Dave.

==

RK-429: Attempt to escape from the Afterlife using SCIENCE.

RK-430: Engage some Tasen, but have your glasses shot off in the struggle.

RK-431: Cut to whatever you're doing. I guess the Tasen in the Dwarf Fortress Lab found you and the other clone capsules?

==

Pickle Inspector: Ask Problem Sleuth if he thinks it's too cold inside the building. His approval will have to substitute for general approval.

==

Imaginary Kroterette: Get bored with just standing around. Develop some sort of self-motivation.

[MrGuy]

Dan: Become incredibly depressed by this turn of events and drink yourself into a stupor, while on fire.

FORTRESS LEADER: Be vexed.

[Arcalane]

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Arc, rest assured that I'm fully aware of that and, since someone requested it earlier, I will be leaving the █████ ███████ alone. This is actually my fourth playthrough, so I know quite a few things about the game and its secrets.

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Better safe than sorry! Reminds me, I need to get three two more posters to complete the set.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: CRUSH. BURN. KILL.





You run up the ramp and kick the SOLDIER at the end. He flies across the room and goes careening into the BARREL on a nearby platform, blowing it up and hitting all the TASEN there. This gets rid of them and earns you extra Epic Stunt Points. You JUST DO not BELIEVE what you did, what KIND OF skills even are those stunts you just pulled



You then turn around and kick the SCOUT behind you, who you had almost forgotten about looking at the deafening explosion. You guess you've never heard the rule: cool guys (and girls) don't look at explosions.





Finally, you jump down and finish off the COMMANDER. His supply of NANO caps you off for this Sector by providing a LEVEL UP.

> Iji: Head up the ledges to the left. Kill everyone so you can get one more Tasen point for a rocket launcher. Make sure you have a rocket launcher before you use the teleport.









In search of a TASEN STATION and a ROCKET LAUNCHER, you move upwards, dealing with whatever you run into in your trademark fashion.



Unable to locate your materials up here, you find that you must investigate what's behind this DOOR. Naturally, it's no match for your incredible STRENGTH.



You get to the bottom of things, landing on a LIFT. However, you see an issue here. I mean, HOPY SHIT that tasen is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE and he proably doesn't want a treat.

> Dan McUrist: Throw your shirt and run out clucking like a chicken so that you can get what you want.



You are suddenly struck by a STRANGE MOOD, causing you to throw off your ROPE REED TUNIC and COW LEATHER BELT while running around making animalistic noises. The other DWARVES have certainly noticed you, for better or worse. Also, it's pretty fun.

> RK-429: Attempt to escape from the Afterlife using SCIENCE.

Yes! SCIENCE! You'll get out of here for sure!...except you have no idea how you would go about doing that. You guess you'll just find DEATH and confuse him using scientific facts.



Huh. DEATH looks...shorter than you expected.

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RK-429: Greetings! May I kindly talk for a minute?
DEATH: ERRR....OKAY, I GUESS.
RK-429: I just wanted to share some things about SCIENCE! While generating discharges, electrical energy from the secondary and toroid is transferred to the surrounding air as electrical charge, heat, light, and sound. The electric currents that flow through these discharges are actually due to the rapid shifting of quantities of charge from one place (the top terminal) to other places (nearby regions of air). The process is similar to charging or discharging a capacitor. The current that arises from shifting charges within a capacitor is called a displacement current. Tesla coil discharges are formed as a result of displacement currents as pulses of electrical charge are rapidly transferred between the high voltage toroid and nearby regions within the air (called space charge regions). Although the space charge regions around the toroid are invisible, they play a profound role in the appearance and location of Tesla coil discharges...
DEATH: WAIT. ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO DISTRACT ME?
RK-429: Err...
RK-429: Say, you look familiar. Have we met?

> RK-430: Engage some Tasen, but have your glasses shot off in the struggle.



Victorious, you look down at the charred pile of dead TASEN in front of you. You plug your HANDHELD TESLA COIL back in and let it charge as you wait for further opposition to show itself. Yes, bring it on!



Gah! Maybe you spoke too soon. Out of nowhere, a blast of bullets shoots your GLASSES right off your face. Now this will be troublesome. You have naturally poor eyesight.

> RK-431: Cut to whatever you're doing. I guess the Tasen in the Dwarf Fortress Lab found you and the other clone capsules?



You are now RK-431, and mostly you're vainly attempting to consume the CLONE POD next to you out of your rabid hunger. It is probably worth noting that you're currently located in a secret lab built under the original RON's office in Sector 6 - a mad scientist can't have too many labs. This lab is different than the Dwarf Fortress one, which is under his house over in Green Bay. Sorry for any confusion.

> GEMcA: It's likely the Anomaly will kill Krotera. Warn him to escape, or you will end up being unimagined by the time the Anomaly appears.
> Krotera: Is he trying to warn you? Clearly it isn't SIMcM, and someone who is completely different.

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GEMcA: Sir, I bring urgent warnings.
KROTERA: Oh yeah, what?
GEMcA: From what I've heard, the Human Anomaly is rapidly approaching. She will likely pose a significant threat to you. You should escape while you still have time!
KROTERA: You're that moron I thought I had been done with earlier! What are you doing trying to explain things?
GEMcA: It's for my own good. If the Anomaly kills you, I will disappear!
KROTERA: Why should I care about you? You can't be the same person I've dealt with before, so I'm not buying this. And besides, I'm well-prepared for the fight.
GEMcA: Well, fine, then. Go do what you want.
GEMcA: (to himself) Oh belgium, I'm screwed.

> Steve: Observe the Human Anomaly on some camera feed
> Fred: Lock up everything.
> Andy: Boast that you'll easily be able to destroy a human, nanotechnology or not.

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STEVE: Hey guys, look! I've found a way to connect to the video feed of the cameras on this computer.
ANDY: Neat! Let's try it out.
STEVE: Okay. Hmm...who's that girl there?
ANDY: Hmm... I've heard something about a "Human Anomaly" going around. Like a human, but with Nanotechnology. You don't suppose...
FRE UH-OH! This means trouble! Everyone in position now!
ANDY: Bah. I could take on a human any time, even if it had Nanotechnology.

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I didn't remember any of them having a Hyper Pulse, for the record, so I'll retcon it. Sure, Andy works. Thanks for being my consistency checker.

> Dave: Check which controls are closest to that central seat the commander was sitting in. Those have got to be the most important controls.



You're not sure about what controls would be closest to this seat, since it's set apart from the rest. Its main function is for whoever's in charge to give out orders. However, you do see one button on the armrest. You wonder what it does.



The recline function, apparently.

> Pickle Inspector: Ask Problem Sleuth if he thinks it's too cold inside the building. His approval will have to substitute for general approval.



PS usually has the best intentions. You ask him what he thinks of the temperature.

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PI: So, what do you think about the temperature?
PS: I don't know, what?
PI: I was just thinking that it was cold, and I wanted to see the manager about that.
PS: Why would you say that?
PI: Mainly because we're all wearing our coats and hats inside.
PS: Well...I guess, maybe.... looks like this is a...
PI: A what?
PS: ...
PS: An issue that needs investigating.

> Angus: Appear... somewhere.



> Imaginary Kroterette: Get bored with just standing around. Develop some sort of self-motivation.

What do you want to feel self-motivated about?

[Asmodemus]

> IJI: Doesn't matter, try to kick it!

[Eldrake]

Tasen Elite: Loudly ponder if Snail Cheese would taste better if applied with mayonnaise, Komato blood, and spiders.
Iji: Start backing off slowly.

GEMcA: Try to find a way to get to the Komato fleet fast, and tell them that Tasens are hiding on Origin.

Angus: Throw the pile of Soldiers with one hand into the sky.

[MrGuy]

Dan: Become incredibly gleeful from this turn of events and drink yourself into a stupor, while on fire.

FORTRESS LEADER: Be vexed by Dan's actions.

Imaginary Kroterette: Become self-motivated about seducing higher-ups KILLING KOMATO like a proper tasen.

[Varkarrus]

4 velociraprorriders of the apocalypse: storm down deaths door

iji: Intoduce the newd weapon.

[Leylite]

re: 2 of author's remarks

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This lab is different than the Dwarf Fortress one, which is under his house over in Green Bay. Sorry for any confusion.

My fault - I assumed the two were physically connected somehow and were part of the same (giant) laboratory.

Thanks for being my consistency checker.

No problem, but I'm not volunteering for a permanent position or anything. It helps that this adventure is based off of a video game with easily-reviewable videos and walkthroughs, so it's very possible for anyone (not just me) to check the part of the game that comes next in the story.

(Andy's profile in the first post still says he only has the Pulse Cannon, when he should technically have both the Pulse Cannon and the Hyper Pulse.)

One other thing, regarding the Imaginary Kroterette command - I deliberately phrased it like that because I figure she is the most likely to actually do anything humorous and/or important among all the characters currently in the Imaginary World, but also because I want to defer kicking off that plotline in any particular direction to people who have a definite idea for that and popular support for their idea.

==

Iji: Doodle on the back of the Elite's armor using your marker.

Iji: Take the elevator back up. Go around to the security door, which is the other entrance to the sector you're in now. Kick the door really hard multiple times and fire your shotgun, making a lot of noise, which should draw the Elite or his subordinates over to the door to see what's happening. Then you can go back around to the elevator and into the room to fight the Elite.

(This of course has no basis in actual gameplay mechanics.)

==

Vateilika: Relocate to a room nearby Krotera's command post, somewhere near the boundary of sectors 3 and 4.

Vateilika: Observe a group of soldiers covertly observing Krotera to see if he'll fall catatonic or get out his train set again.

==

Yukabacera: Author a command-adventure with pictures about Flip Hero in order to restore his perceived status across the Internet. And you can make the setting a prequel to the games where Flip Hero explores an organic planet!

Yukabacera: Update your nanofield-overlay-on-map software while you wait for commands and user input. Maybe you can find that Human Anomaly everyone's panicking about.

==

Great Epic McAwesome: Well, there's still one more plan. You could go haunt some other Tasen with a good imagination, and convince them you're a figment of their imagination. Like a teleporter, this should replace you with an identical copy of yourself that won't have to take orders from Krotera, but instead some Tasen whom you can probably manipulate easier.

==

If some buildings and military facilities on the surface survived, maybe the last remaining government vestiges are alive and functional, hiding underground in their bunkers.

Angus: Head to the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center. Being a vigilante is good but so far all you've done is kill a few spare Tasen of little strategical importance, and hardly put a dent in the occupation itself, despite your success in combat. If you find anyone there, you could potentially explain yourself and figure out where best you could be deployed. Even if you don't you might find something useful.

==

Tim: Be in Sector 4, so that you aren't dead yet.

==

Tasen Scout: Use your new authorization to drive a Shredder around on patrol, but accidentally crash it due to your dulled reflexes.

==

KL-51 (gorilla): Climb out of the lab. Make your way over to the D.C.M.F.P.R. Research Facility, and reach some sector that isn't sector 3 or 4 or 8. Probably 6, I guess.

==

RC-429: Grasp at straws. Offer to be Death's scientific advisor or tax specialist to win favor, with the eventual goal of earning boons.

Harold Potter: Already be Death's tax specialist

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: Doodle on the back of the Elite's armor using your marker.



As long as he's got his back turned on you, you see this as the perfect opportunity. It's worth noting that, through years of painstaking trial and error, you have perfected your handwriting to flawlessly match the elegant font of COMIC SANS. You take great pride in this.

> IJI: Doesn't matter, try to kick it!



Sadly, you can't. Just when you thought you didn't have to worry about not having enough STRENGTH.

> Tasen Elite: Loudly ponder if Snail Cheese would taste better if applied with mayonnaise, Komato blood, and spiders.

You think you just alerted him.

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ELITE: WOW! I sure like snail cheese! Boy, I wonder how it would taste if I put mayonnaise, Komato blood, and spiders on it! Would that be good?

> Iji: Start backing off slowly.



> iji: Intoduce the newd weapon.



MACHNIE GUN





Carefully dodging his blasts and abusing splash damage, you eventually manage to bring the big guy down. He drops his GUN dramatically and falls to the floor before exploding into NANO.



Continuing down the room, you pass another WEAPONS COMBINATION STATION. After dealing with the SCOUT, you make note to try it. But first...





You figure that if you're going to CRACK some new weapons, you'll need some good materials.



You happily reunite with your old friend, ROCKET LAUNCHER.



You remake the RESONANCE REFLECTOR and the BUCKSHOT AMPLISPLODER. Now it's time to get down to business.

>Iji: Crack all of the following as soon as possible:
->Shotgun+Machine Gun = Mega Buster

Your first attempt at this creates the BUSTER GUN. A hybrid of the Shotgun and Machinegun, this weapon uses Machinegun ammunition. This Nanoweapon behaves like a Shotgun, but fires more than thrice as fast, and uses lots of Machinegun bullets in the process. Perfect for taking out single large enemies.

However, much like you did to make the BUCKSHOT AMPLISPLODER, you rearrange the codes you put in to create a MEGA BUSTER. This weapon uses Machinegun ammunition, the amount depending on the size of the blast (up to three). Its normal function fires a single small blast, but it can be charged up to fire larger shots at the expense the user being vulnerable.

->Machine Gun+Resonance Det. = Expel Gun

You try this combination, but such a powerful weapon requires LEVEL 8 CRACK.

->Shotgun+Rockets = Spread Rockets

You made the SPREAD ROCKETS. A hybrid of the Shotgun and Rocket launcher, this weapon uses Rocket launcher ammunition. This Nanoweapon fires three rockets at once, and has a higher damage per second ratio than the Rocket launcher. Each shot uses three rockets, and it is primarily designed for taking out single large enemies.

->Machine Gun+Rockets = Chain Rockets

You made the CHAIN ROCKETS. A hybrid of the Machinegun and Rocket launcher, this weapon uses Rocket launcher ammunition. This Nanoweapon fires three rockets at once in a straight line, and has a higher damage per second ratio than the Rocket launcher. Each shot uses three rockets, and it is primarily designed for clearing out multiple enemies.



So much sweet loot. You'd almost think it was simultaneously your birthday, AND Christmas or something, only Santa turns out to be an advanced alien being specialising in arms dealership.

Of course you know that is ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. The author arbitrarily chose your birthday as being October 15 in case it ever needed to come up.

> Dan: Become incredibly gleeful from this turn of events and drink yourself into a stupor, while on fire.
> FORTRESS LEADER: Be vexed by Dan's actions.



Continuing such behaviour, you run to the STILL and start drinking directly from it, while at the same time you are blissfully ignorant of the fact that you're on fire. The DUNGEON MASTER enters the room, looking somewhat taken aback. However, it's nothing unusual with DWARVES.

> RC-429: Grasp at straws. Offer to be Death's scientific advisor or tax specialist to win favor, with the eventual goal of earning boons.

There has to be some way to leave the AFTERLIFE. You hatch a cunning plan.

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RK-429: So, Death, I suppose that you might need a scientific advisor?
DEATH: WE HAVE NO NEED. I EXIST OUTSIDE THE CONFINES OF EARTHLY PHYSICS.
RK-429: Err....Well, I'm good at math. Are you, I don't know, having problems with your taxes?
DEATH: ALREADY GOT IT COVERED.

> Harold Potter: Already be Death's tax specialist

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RK-429: Wait...why would the embodiment of death need a tax specialist?
DEATH: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE CONCEPT OF A CELESTIAL BUREAUCRACY?
RK-429: ...No. I'm a scientist, not a philosopher.

> Yukabacera: Author a command-adventure with pictures about Flip Hero in order to restore his perceived status across the Internet. And you can make the setting a prequel to the games where Flip Hero explores an organic planet!

Suddenly, boredom strikes again. But you have an idea.



Inspired by the TCHAN classic user-command-driven adventure SQUAT QUEST, and as to revitalise the boards' respect for FLIP HERO, you create an adventure about his heroic exploits. Ideas spring forth - perhaps you can even play through your own game as part of it, as viral marketing!

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Hah, I see what you did there. Although this would be slightly different - FHTT is canon to this adventure, while Yukabacera would probably just view Flip Hero as the exaggeratedly overblown badass who once fought through the Ciretako to wrestle the Annihilator to death with his bare hands (and made it cry), as shown in his memes and comic books. In case nobody got the reference: the title "Flip Hero's Thrilling Tales" came from his comics in this adventure, which were based on Saxton Hale's Thrilling Tales from TF2 - right down to the covers and blurbs on some.

> Yukabacera: Update your nanofield-overlay-on-map software while you wait for commands and user input. Maybe you can find that Human Anomaly everyone's panicking about.



To pass the time while you wait for suggestions, you do some work on your NANOFIELD MAP OVERLAY program. This should make it easy to find that dastardly ANOMALY.

> Vateilika: Relocate to a room nearby Krotera's command post, somewhere near the boundary of sectors 3 and 4.
> Vateilika: Observe a group of soldiers covertly observing Krotera to see if he'll fall catatonic or get out his train set again.



Exploring the area, you come to a window overlooking KROTERA's post. You notice a lot of other SOLDIERS are here as well, camping around the window, just waiting for him to drop his guard. You had no idea that so many of you developed such a similar conspiracy! Then again, given KROTERA's general reception, you're not too surprised.

> Great Epic McAwesome: Well, there's still one more plan. You could go haunt some other Tasen with a good imagination, and convince them you're a figment of their imagination. Like a teleporter, this should replace you with an identical copy of yourself that won't have to take orders from Krotera, but instead some Tasen whom you can probably manipulate easier.



Aha, brilliant! You develop an idea so ingenious it produces an IMAGINARY LIGHTBULB, which you store in your INVENTORY, just in case. You'll find some other TASEN and make them believe they imagined you, so that you can become free of KROTERA's command!

But where to look?

> Angus: Throw the pile of Soldiers with one hand into the sky.





Can't be leaving them lying around, after all.

> Angus: Head to the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center. Being a vigilante is good but so far all you've done is kill a few spare Tasen of little strategical importance, and hardly put a dent in the occupation itself, despite your success in combat. If you find anyone there, you could potentially explain yourself and figure out where best you could be deployed. Even if you don't you might find something useful.



You head down the road to the old Air Force base outside of the city. Being of military importance, the aliens must have set up at least an outpost there due to its strategic location, and you'll probably be able to find it in relatively good shape with its defenses.

> Imaginary Kroterette: Become self-motivated about seducing higher-ups KILLING KOMATO like a proper tasen.



Ah, that's right! Like a real member of your species, you're self motivated to combat the KOMATO menace. Now, where to begin...did you see an IMAGINARY KOMATO around here? Hmm...nah.

[Asmodemus]

> Iji: Onwards doing whatever is necessary to get logbooks and other secrets.

> Agnus: Be attacked by a roving swarm of blits.

> Urist McDan: Punch out an elephant.

[andanotherone]

IJI:bloodlust
Urist MCDAN:kill everything
Angus:find more tasen to murder
Andy: Reveal that you are actually ANDY, and rip apart komato forces.

[Varkarrus]

IJI: Shoot Andy, mistaking him for a tasen. Freak out after realizing he was human

Pickle Inspector: Dance an Irish Jig

Deathmia: Get a part time job working for Dracula.

[andanotherone]

NO ATTACK CAN PHASE ANDY'S IRON WALL OF DEFENSE

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

[b]

> Iji: Onwards doing whatever is necessary to get logbooks and other secrets.
> IJI:bloodlust



There's only one way left to go, and that's to the TELEPORTER you saw earlier. You take the LIFT up.



With nothing holding you back, you kick through the DOOR blocking off the TELEPORTER. KROTERA, here you come!



Entering the TELEPORTER, you are warped to a ventilation area cut off from the rest of the Sector.







It's time to explore this place. You head through the tunnels, jump up here and oh god what is that thing.

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FRE Get 'er!

Dead, that's what.



You're pleased to discover that they're just as kickable as most TASEN.

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We still haven't decided what to do since we arrived here - do we hide until we starve to death, or get out of here and kill as many lousy Tasen as we can? It's not like there's anything better to do, and those damn leeches ain't gonna survive to colonise any other planet, that's for sure! I've had enough of their way of killing everything they come across like they owned the planet.

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Belgium! Me and my men were sent as a scout team to this planet, only to be shot down by the Tasen! That's right, THEY'RE HERE! We've found them at last, on a tiny spot on a tiny planet, but all we can do is HIDE from them - we're three people stuck in a Tasen-infested building with nothing but expired rations to eat, and with barely any means of contacting the fleet. I am totally not bitter at all.

With this area secured, it's time to read some LOGBOOKS.





Now to just finish off these buggers.



And there goes the last of them. This guy was pretty tough - he was using some sort of a weapon that could knock you over. But the important part is that there shouldn't be anyone else you're set to blow up on the way to KROTERA. Once you get there, you can get him to leave the planet, and you'll be all done with these life-threatening situations so you can settle down with DAVE STRIDER.

...Please?

> Urist MCDAN:kill everything
> Urist McDan: Punch out an elephant.



Through a bizarre and humourous series of events, you have ended up face-to-face with the dreaded ELEPHANT! You excitedly anticipate the first move.





You are not MORUL CATTENMAT.

> Deathmia: Get a part time job working for Dracula.



Hmm. Sounds like a good way to get ahead. You go over to your DEATH-PHONE.

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DEATH: HELLO?
DRACULA: Veeehhss?
DEATH: ARE YOU APPLYING FOR A NEW DEATH?
DRACULA: Ahh...vehs. You cahlled jhust in tyme.
DEATH: SO, WHAT SHOULD I KEEP IN MIND?
DRACULA: We haf plenty of vork awailbhle. Ah vou goof vith a scvthe?
DEATH: OF COURSE.
DRACULA: Can vou shummohn vhlying shykhles?
DEATH: I HAVE DONE THAT ONCE BEFORE.
DRACULA: Exchelleenth. Ah ah ah!
DEATH: SO DO I HAVE THE JOB?
DRACULA: Ve cahn skeduhle an eenterwiew soon. Vhill you be awailbhle Tuousedhay?
DEATH: HOPEFULLY.
DRACULA: Whery ghood. I vhill be ehn my chasthle in Thransylwahnia vhen you nheed me. Ah ah ah!
DEATH: GREAT. HOLD ON NOW, I HAVE VISITORS.

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FRE Are there any decent vending machines around here?

> Agnus: Be attacked by a roving swarm of blits.



Gah! On your way, you are set upon by a bunch of little blobs that swarm you and start chewing through your skin! What could get worse than this?

> Angus:find more tasen to murder



> Pickle Inspector: Dance an Irish Jig



You don't see any reason to do this, but you do it anyway. Yaaaay!



> Andy: Reveal that you are actually ANDY, and rip apart komato forces.
> IJI: Shoot Andy, mistaking him for a tasen. Freak out after realizing he was human
> NO ATTACK CAN PHASE ANDY'S IRON WALL OF DEFENSE

INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS



Gah, you have no idea why this creature is resisting every attack you throw at him! You're running out of bullets!





END INTERLUDE OF SILLINESS

[Eldrake]

Iji: ONWARDS!
Dan: Check up on Iji.

Marv: Check the time. Krotera might die within a few minutes or so.

Fred: Be depressed because of death.
Steve: Ask Deathmia if you can borrow a computer. You need to upload a picture.
Andy: Be unashamedly attracted to the human girl that just killed you.

Krotera: Hear explosions. That must be the Anomaly!

[Leylite]

Iji: Onwards, but somehow fail to kill the single Tasen guarding Krotera's room. (Although I think the author said that was what Iji would do anyway.)

==

Krotera: Do some squats, then clear your throat. You're going to give the Anomaly a dressing-down before you give her a beat-down.

==

Dave: Take out your SBaHJifer, position yourself in front of the spaceship controls, then take a picture of yourself and the controls.

Dave: Take some pictures of the spaceship controls.

Dave: Update your website with the SBaHJ and a blog entry asking the Internet how this spaceship works, using the SBaHJ comic and control photos as reference.

==

Problem Sleuth and Pickle Inspector: Go find the thermostat. It's probably inside the boiler room.

==

Tasen Scout: Imagine what Krotera would look like if he were in drag.

Imaginary Kroterette: Decide to descend to the real world as an imaginary entity.