MSPA fan fiction 2

[Dermonster]

Challenge Fic.
Characters: Any.
Pairing: Preferably none.
Length: Any.
Maximum time spent writing: One and a half hours.
It must contain the line: "It is a general consensus among the entire population of the universe that you never do that again."

It can be phrased differently, but a sense of someone doing something so unbelievably stupid or insane that everyone's mind somewhat breaks at the sheer audacity must be there.

[cyclicCircumferentia]

Alright, I'm not really happy with this. It got way too Dave-centric way too fast, but that's mostly because all the interaction I originally had in my mind for John comes after this Chapter, in the final one. But maybe this chapter will be at least good enough to carry on to the next one, which is what I wanted to get to anyway. The whole "Dave does a bajillion loops of the same thing over and over again" card has been played out to it's death by now, I'm sure, but-- just one more time. ^^;;

Reconsider
Chapter: First

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Dave went through this countless times.

---

"Dave?"

John looked up at a Dave he only scarcely recognized, who nodded ever so slightly. Sure the hair was the same and all, but this Dave was wearing a suit. And had floating turntables. And an awesome sword.

"You know Highlander doesn't wear a suit, right?"

Dave's eyebrows quirked up from beneath his glasses, his expression otherwise as flat and calm as ever. "He probably doesn't have turntables either, jackass."

John simply smiled up at him, unbuckling the jetpack from his chest. "So you're here to help me then?"

"Well yeah. I mean, I told you so, bro."

"How do you mean?"

"Huh? What, y'don't remember what I said in that stupid letter?"

"Uh... oh! You mean about us being bros and how I'm a goober who likes jam or something?

Dave, being a cool dude, cracked the smallest of smiles. "Yeah, something like that." Dave looked around, hands still poised over his floating turntables. If John had to guess, those would be how he got here! Probably. Dave waved his hand in front of John's face, causing him to sputter and look up.

"Huh?"

"I said, so this is your Denizen's place?"

---

Ultimately John had to beat his own Denizen. Dave could do little things, he could play support and heal him and shit, but he couldn't do the job for John. No matter how much he wanted to.

---

The Denizen was a hulking creature that defied description. Or at the very least comparison. No movie that John had ever seen had anything like this. Maybe a video game or two though. It was also entirely possible that he shouldn't be thinking of what to compare it to, since it scared him senseless.

Dave shouted something at him, and John turned around to look but a shadow was stretching out beyond him, darkening the ground about his feet--

---

And each time he brought John something new-- he had already jumped back and forth enough times thus far, gathering as many things as he could to turn the tables of this fight-- it would go awry.

---

John swung out wild with the monstrous hammer Fear No Anvil, and finally a shot connected hammer with body: the approaching pincer burst into a thousand fragments, as did one of the Denizen's forearms once the Telescopic Sassacrusher came down upon it.

Dave stood on the sidelines, watching his friend battle in slow motion, and on his face was a grin that if seen would wreck his long-standing cool guy reputation in no time at all. It was finally going well.

The boy with the hammer stood triumphant, swinging away at the Denizen's chest like it was a circus tent full of mutant harlequins. He was so close to winning this--

So of course it wasn't going to happen. Dave felt that empty feeling of defeat, of seeing a friend die in front of his eyes just as hard as ever, just as one of the Denizen's fangs shot through John.

One hand shot up to his glasses, his teeth grit together so hard they might have been cracking for all he knew, because all he could hear was the Denizen's roar as it came toward him.

So he couldn't hear his own curses, his own sobs, nor the sound of the timetables scratching before everything got reset.

"Dave? You know Highlander doesn't, um... are you alright?"

The red-headed boy looked at him like he was crazy, scratching a spot on his face nonchalantly, but his lips were a trembling smile.

"How can you not even say hi to a bro when you see him? That's just not cool."

---

Even though John was increasingly well prepared, he was perched on some fairly low rungs on his echeladder. But Egbert was equipped with the best weaponry and fraymotifs alchemy could muster up, with all of Dave's nigh-limitless funds to facilitate such creations.

And still, and still.

---

Dave didn't fully recognize the boy in front of him. Mostly because John didn't look like John with all that sick gear on.

John was wearing the most combat-appropriate fraymotifs that Dave's top boonbond could buy, not that John understood it: the Windbreaker. It had an oddly jester-ish look to it, but that came with the name. Dave had also given him the best hammer the game was capable of making, the Warhammer of Zillyhoocrocker. Dave didn't tell him about the name, of course. He tried that once and while the ensuing rage was mostly effective, it also resulted in the Denizen falling on John and squishing him flat.

Dave momentarily wondered if he was becoming numb to this.

That moment lasted a while before his fingers felt the texture of vinyl beneath them, and scratched it again.

---

Dave has seen John die more times than he wants to count. Almost more times than he's able to count. If John were to even narrowly succeed, it would still be a win, god damn it. Both he and John were only human. In all of John's shitty movies humans are supposed to eventually persevere. That's how things worked.

And how, on occasion, they still do.

---

This time was different. Dave knew it, but he didn't dare think it. He only allowed himself to feel that slightly giddy feeling in his chest as he watched John take on the Denizen single handedly. It was a thing of beauty, in the way that every movement of John's limbs was another thing broken, another piece of the damnable thing destroyed.

Dave had watched it slay John time and time again, over and over and now it was getting payback for iterations of John it has no recollection of killing, for acts of destruction it will never get the chance to do.

Dave wasn't bothered by this in the least. Whether it really happened in the grand scheme of things was irrelevant; the Denizen deserves this.

And with one final swing of the kaleidoscopic warhammer, the Denizen was finished. The land around them became awash with grist of all kinds and sorts, varieties that even Dave hadn't seen before.

John dropped the hammer, fell to his knees and smiled. Not quite as big as when Dave had given him the bunny, nor as big as he had done when Nanna told him his destiny.

But it was there. John laughed like he was coughing his lungs out, and went on laughing. Eventually Dave joined in, only a cool chuckle at first, but gradually progressing into a fit of giggles that definitely didn't fit him but who the fuck cares.

"I did it Dave! You saw me! I beat it! It was just like in--"

"No John, it totally wasn't." The time-keeper went over to John a gave him the hug-bump he promised a long, long time ago. "This time is only like this, bro. You did it your own way, so cut the movie references. This one is yours."

John looked at him with wide eyes, his face all but covered in what he felt like saying: That was just like a movie. Dave instantly felt incredibly uncool and resisted the urge to scratch the record and redo that. "Or something, anyway."

John opened his mouth, but once it opened it didn't seem like he had any idea what to do from there. Dave raised a brow at him, ready to inquire what he was boggling at now-- but he realized that John really was staring at something.

Eyes fixed on John, Dave turned slowly around to face--

...himself? Is the universe really doing this to him right now? To both of them? Does he really have to endure one of the lamest excuses for a twist right now?

"What's going on?"

The newly arrived version of himself looked at him in a way that was indiscernable even to him, just standing there. Then the old Dave felt a sick, dark knot twist up in his stomach and he lashed out at himself, snatching the glasses off of the other Dave's face.

His eyes were filled with the need to cry but a lack of tears that came from years of never really knowing how to do so. That seemed about right to him.

"...I've got some bad news."

I love where this going
The last bit of this is lovely, just lovely. (Even though it's leading to something unhappy.)
I doodled some things based off this in class today...but I lack a scanner so I cannot scan them adhdahj. (As soon as I get my paws on a scanner I shall scan this yes.)

[Orange]

Wait what.

You did doodles based off the story that's based off your original picture?

...yeah "cyclic" is pretty apt in this case actually!

I'm still working on it; I think I pushed that chapter out too fast and hence that's why I was unhappy with it. So this next one might take another day or two, but it'll probably be worth it.

(I still feel reeeeally incredibly guilty not having caught up with all the awesome fics in this thread though. I promise I'm gonna get around to that guys!)

[chronicallyCrafty]

Midterms are over! Yay! I'm celebrating by sharing with you guys this thing I wrote a while back... It may be a little outdated but I feel it serves its purpose.

Why Alternia Never Invented Musicals (And Likely Never Will), aka "It Sucks To Be Me (Hivebent Version)"
With apologies (but not many) to Avenue Q

show spoiler

hide spoiler

gA

Good Evening Eridan

cA

hey kan

gA

How Is Your Solar Cycle Proceeding

cA

disappointin as usual
you know that fuckin moirail of yours is ignorin my kismetic advvances again

gA

At This Point I Cannot Say I Blame Her

cA

look at me kan
im one of the last twwelvve members of our species left and i alwways thought

gA

What

cA

nah, fuckin forget it
its stupid

gA

We Have Gotten This Far
You Might As Well Spit It Out

cA

wwhen i wwas only twwo swweeps old or so
i thought i wwould groww up to be the greatest fuckin conqueror alternia had evver seen
i wwould gain a glorious reputation for killin all a the land dwwellers
and i wwould fill all the quadrants
all of them

gA

Uh Huh

cA

but now wwere stuck in the vveil and i got a one in elevven chance wwith any one a you
but all i gots a moirail wwho dont wwant me no more

gA

Nope

cA

fuck

gA

Indeed

cA

it sucks to be me

gA

Well

cA

it sucks to be me

gA

Likely

cA

it sucks to be dependin on shitbloods for all your concupiscent needs
it sucks to be me

gA

To Be Perfectly Honest With You It Enrages Me Somewhat To Hear You Speak As If You Alone Are Facing Difficulties

cA

wwhat

gA

I Am Finding It Impossible To Show Too Much Sympathy For You When I Am Having Troubles Of My Own

cA

like wwhat

gA

I Believe I Am Somewhat Visually Desirable
And Also Not Completely Lacking In The Cartilage Nub Area

cA

sounds about right i guess

gA

Ok
I Am Also Somewhat Of An Aficionado When It Comes To Activities Often Considered Relating To The Flushed Quadrant
Such As Auditory and Visual Expression
And As You May Be Aware My Cardiac Tissue Could Be Considered Above Average In Size
So Why Dont I Have A Matesprit
Fuck
Its Hard

cA

and no one understands
i told you

gA

Its Hard To Be In Love

cA

and in hate

gA

To Not Have A ♥

cA

to not havve a ♠

gA/cA

It sucks to be me

cA

hey equ, sol, could you settle somethin for us, you got a sec

cT

D --> Certainly, sir.

gA

Whose Existence Is More Likely To Cause Personal Anguish
Eridans Or Mine

tA/cT

...ours

cT

D --> We live together, closer than I would like to admit

tA

iive pretty much hated thii2 fucker ever 2iince the day we met.

cT

D --> So he goes out of his way to make me really upset

tA

ehehe hell ye2.

cT

D --> Every day is an aggravation

tA

that2 only becau2e iit2 2o ea2y two pii22 you off.

cT

D --> You are a socially incompetent lowb100d
D --> And you stay up until dawn writing your fudging codes

tA

oh yeah?
at lea2t iim not an uptiight priick wiith an aniimal fetii2h and a tendency two 2weat when excited.

cT

D --> You make that VERY SMALL laboratory we share a HELL
D --> E%cuse my language

tA

2o do you.
that2 why iim iin hell two.

cT

D --> It’s unfortunate to be me

tA

no.
iit 2uck2 two be me.

gA

It Is Difficult To Be Me

cA

it sucks to be me

(all 4)

Is there anybody here it doesn’t suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

cC

Glub!
W)(at are you all getting so -EXCIT-ED about?

tA

the eternal 2uckiitude of our liive2.

cC

O)( boy
)(onestly, you guys do t)(is every ot)(er day! 38(!!
Youre not t)(e only ones w)(o )(ave it bad you know!
I was )(atc)(ed to rule our race
And I was going to revolutionize -EV-ERYT)(ING!
It would )(ave been )(ard but I could )(ave done it.
But now t)(eyre all D-EAD 38(
And were stuck in t)(e Medium
And I )(ave no one to save
-Except my useless ex-moirail w)(os unbearable
and doesnt know w)(en to give up! 38(

cA

ouch fef

cC

It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me!
I say it sucka-sucka-gluba-gluba-suck! It sucks to be me!

cG

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SHITHEADS DOING?

cA

oh hey kar
wwere talkin about howw our livves suck

cG

GREAT.
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU CALL ME OVER EARLIER, ASSWIPES.

tA

becau2e then the re2t of u2 wouldnt be able two get a word iin dumba22.

cA

oh fuck
its gam

tC

hEeEeY wHaT aRe My FaVoRiTe MoThErFuCkErS uP tO

gA

We Are Discussing The Universes Metaphorical Gravitational Pull On Our Existences

tC

wHoAaAaAaA
hOw DoEs ThAt EvEn WoRk

cG

SHE MEANS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT HOW THE COSMOS HATES US, YOU TAINTCHAFING MORON.

tC

wElL dAmN
hOw ArE yOu AlL kNoWiNg AbOuT hOw ThE wOrLd Is AlL uP iN tHe HeAd AbOuT uS
yOu KnOw WhAt Im AlL tHiNkInG

cG

DON’T CARE.

tC

iM tHiNkInG wE cAnT bE aLl KnOwInG wHaT tHe UniVeRsE iS uP aNd ThInKiNg AbOuT aLl ThEsE gLoRiOuS mOtHeRfUcKeRs JuSt ChIlLiNg On ThIs GoDdAmNeD aStErOiD
jUsT sPiNnInG tHrOuGh MoThErFuCkInG sPaCe
YoU kNoW wHaT iT iS

cT

D --> I must respectfully request that you refrain from answering that inane question

tC

mOtHeR

cT

D --> Please

tC

fUcKiNg

tA

jegu2 chrii2t.

tC

MiRaClEs
:o)

cG

URGH.
YOU ARE SO FUCKING BAD AT THIS.
ALL OF YOU SIT DOWN
SHUT THE FUCK UP
AND LISTEN.

cC

)(ere )(e goes carping again 38(

cG

I JUST SPENT 600 HOURS LEADING A GROUP OF EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND SOCIALLY INEPT SCREWHEADS THROUGH A GAME THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAVE OUR UNIVERSE FROM BECOMING ROYALLY FUCKED
WHICH AS IT TURNS OUT WAS A COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME
BECAUSE NOW I’M STUCK HERE WITH ALL OF YOU
WAITING FOR THIS UNIVERSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO INHERIT TO EXPLODE
WHICH IS APPARENTLY MY FUCKING REWARD FOR WINNING A GAME THAT GOT ME STABBED MULTIPLE TIMES BY A GUY I TRUSTED
AS WELL AS FORCED ME TO GRUBSIT TINY VERSIONS OF MYSELF AND ELEVEN OF MY CLOSEST FRENEMIES
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF
I FINALLY MET THE ONE PERSON IN TWO FUCKING UNIVERSES WHOM I HATE MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF
AND HE’S A COMPLETE FUCKING MORON INCAPABLE OF ANY EMOTION OTHER THAN STUPID

tA

2tupiid ii2nt an emotiion numnut2.

cG

SHUT UP.
OH AND TRY HAVING TEREZI ASKING YOU EVERY TEN MINUTES WHAT YOUR INSIDES TASTE LIKE.
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
THIS IS THE MOST FUCKED UP MATESPRITSHIP EVER.

cT

D --> For the si% hundred and twelfth time, lowb100d, we get it
D --> Your entire e%istence is completely worthless
D --> Can we move on

cA

i kinda feel better noww

tA

eheheh.
iit doe2 kiinda 2uck two be you.
sorry KK.

cC

Well were all in t)(e same boat now!

tC

tHaTs WhAt AlL iVe BeEn SaYiNg LiTtLe FiShY pRiNcEsS
wEvE jUsT gOtTa Be AlL wIlLiNg To LeT tHe MiRaClEs TaKe Us WhErE tHeY wIlL
aNd NoT lEt ThE wOrRyInG aLl Up AnD gEt Us DoWn
KnOw WhAt Im SaYiNg

cG

NOT A FUCKING CLUE.

gA

I Believe He Is Trying To Imply That We Should Make The Most of Our Time Here Together Until Such A Point At Which We Are Able To Amend Our Situation

cG

...
THAT’S SURPRISINGLY DEEP.

tC

HoNk :o)

cG

OH FUCK ME.

cA

wwelcome to hell kar

Recast

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Kate Monster: Kanaya Maryam (gA)
Brian: Eridan Ampora (cA)
Rod: Equius Zahhak (cT)
Nicky: Sollux Captor (tA)
Christmas Eve: Feferi Peixes (cC)
Princeton: Karkat Vantas (cG)
Gary Coleman: Gamzee Makara (tC)

I had plans to do "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" too...maybe I'll get to that someday :3

[KarneWarrior]

And in the end, will Eridan bust in and screw up the entire premise of the song by being completely racist?

[KarneWarrior]

Challenge Fic.
Characters: Any.
Pairing: Preferably none.
Length: Any.
Maximum time spent writing: One and a half hours.
It must contain the line: "It is a general consensus among the entire population of the universe that you never do that again."

It can be phrased differently, but a sense of someone doing something so unbelievably stupid or insane that everyone's mind somewhat breaks at the sheer audacity must be there.

I'll take it. It'll work into my next fic nicely.

COMING SOON!:
Rose Lalondes 101 things I will not do in a RPG. Anymore.
Number Twenty-six


yes, folks, that is indeed one single rule. It's diving a bit, but it'll rise back up into the surface after this soon! After this, if I don't wall myself in, I should do all the way up to thirty and start jumping tens again.

[BPrinny]

Midterms are over! Yay! I'm celebrating by sharing with you guys this thing I wrote a while back... It may be a little outdated but I feel it serves its purpose.

Why Alternia Never Invented Musicals (And Likely Never Will), aka "It Sucks To Be Me (Hivebent Version)"
With apologies (but not many) to Avenue Q

show spoiler

hide spoiler

gA

Good Evening Eridan

cA

hey kan

gA

How Is Your Solar Cycle Proceeding

cA

disappointin as usual
you know that fuckin moirail of yours is ignorin my kismetic advvances again

gA

At This Point I Cannot Say I Blame Her

cA

look at me kan
im one of the last twwelvve members of our species left and i alwways thought

gA

What

cA

nah, fuckin forget it
its stupid

gA

We Have Gotten This Far
You Might As Well Spit It Out

cA

wwhen i wwas only twwo swweeps old or so
i thought i wwould groww up to be the greatest fuckin conqueror alternia had evver seen
i wwould gain a glorious reputation for killin all a the land dwwellers
and i wwould fill all the quadrants
all of them

gA

Uh Huh

cA

but now wwere stuck in the vveil and i got a one in elevven chance wwith any one a you
but all i gots a moirail wwho dont wwant me no more

gA

Nope

cA

fuck

gA

Indeed

cA

it sucks to be me

gA

Well

cA

it sucks to be me

gA

Likely

cA

it sucks to be dependin on shitbloods for all your concupiscent needs
it sucks to be me

gA

To Be Perfectly Honest With You It Enrages Me Somewhat To Hear You Speak As If You Alone Are Facing Difficulties

cA

wwhat

gA

I Am Finding It Impossible To Show Too Much Sympathy For You When I Am Having Troubles Of My Own

cA

like wwhat

gA

I Believe I Am Somewhat Visually Desirable
And Also Not Completely Lacking In The Cartilage Nub Area

cA

sounds about right i guess

gA

Ok
I Am Also Somewhat Of An Aficionado When It Comes To Activities Often Considered Relating To The Flushed Quadrant
Such As Auditory and Visual Expression
And As You May Be Aware My Cardiac Tissue Could Be Considered Above Average In Size
So Why Dont I Have A Matesprit
Fuck
Its Hard

cA

and no one understands
i told you

gA

Its Hard To Be In Love

cA

and in hate

gA

To Not Have A ♥

cA

to not havve a ♠

gA/cA

It sucks to be me

cA

hey equ, sol, could you settle somethin for us, you got a sec

cT

D --> Certainly, sir.

gA

Whose Existence Is More Likely To Cause Personal Anguish
Eridans Or Mine

tA/cT

...ours

cT

D --> We live together, closer than I would like to admit

tA

iive pretty much hated thii2 fucker ever 2iince the day we met.

cT

D --> So he goes out of his way to make me really upset

tA

ehehe hell ye2.

cT

D --> Every day is an aggravation

tA

that2 only becau2e iit2 2o ea2y two pii22 you off.

cT

D --> You are a socially incompetent lowb100d
D --> And you stay up until dawn writing your fudging codes

tA

oh yeah?
at lea2t iim not an uptiight priick wiith an aniimal fetii2h and a tendency two 2weat when excited.

cT

D --> You make that VERY SMALL laboratory we share a HELL
D --> E%cuse my language

tA

2o do you.
that2 why iim iin hell two.

cT

D --> It’s unfortunate to be me

tA

no.
iit 2uck2 two be me.

gA

It Is Difficult To Be Me

cA

it sucks to be me

(all 4)

Is there anybody here it doesn’t suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

cC

Glub!
W)(at are you all getting so -EXCIT-ED about?

tA

the eternal 2uckiitude of our liive2.

cC

O)( boy
)(onestly, you guys do t)(is every ot)(er day! 38(!!
Youre not t)(e only ones w)(o )(ave it bad you know!
I was )(atc)(ed to rule our race
And I was going to revolutionize -EV-ERYT)(ING!
It would )(ave been )(ard but I could )(ave done it.
But now t)(eyre all D-EAD 38(
And were stuck in t)(e Medium
And I )(ave no one to save
-Except my useless ex-moirail w)(os unbearable
and doesnt know w)(en to give up! 38(

cA

ouch fef

cC

It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me!
I say it sucka-sucka-gluba-gluba-suck! It sucks to be me!

cG

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SHITHEADS DOING?

cA

oh hey kar
wwere talkin about howw our livves suck

cG

GREAT.
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU CALL ME OVER EARLIER, ASSWIPES.

tA

becau2e then the re2t of u2 wouldnt be able two get a word iin dumba22.

cA

oh fuck
its gam

tC

hEeEeY wHaT aRe My FaVoRiTe MoThErFuCkErS uP tO

gA

We Are Discussing The Universes Metaphorical Gravitational Pull On Our Existences

tC

wHoAaAaAaA
hOw DoEs ThAt EvEn WoRk

cG

SHE MEANS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT HOW THE COSMOS HATES US, YOU TAINTCHAFING MORON.

tC

wElL dAmN
hOw ArE yOu AlL kNoWiNg AbOuT hOw ThE wOrLd Is AlL uP iN tHe HeAd AbOuT uS
yOu KnOw WhAt Im AlL tHiNkInG

cG

DON’T CARE.

tC

iM tHiNkInG wE cAnT bE aLl KnOwInG wHaT tHe UniVeRsE iS uP aNd ThInKiNg AbOuT aLl ThEsE gLoRiOuS mOtHeRfUcKeRs JuSt ChIlLiNg On ThIs GoDdAmNeD aStErOiD
jUsT sPiNnInG tHrOuGh MoThErFuCkInG sPaCe
YoU kNoW wHaT iT iS

cT

D --> I must respectfully request that you refrain from answering that inane question

tC

mOtHeR

cT

D --> Please

tC

fUcKiNg

tA

jegu2 chrii2t.

tC

MiRaClEs
:o)

cG

URGH.
YOU ARE SO FUCKING BAD AT THIS.
ALL OF YOU SIT DOWN
SHUT THE FUCK UP
AND LISTEN.

cC

)(ere )(e goes carping again 38(

cG

I JUST SPENT 600 HOURS LEADING A GROUP OF EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND SOCIALLY INEPT SCREWHEADS THROUGH A GAME THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAVE OUR UNIVERSE FROM BECOMING ROYALLY FUCKED
WHICH AS IT TURNS OUT WAS A COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME
BECAUSE NOW I’M STUCK HERE WITH ALL OF YOU
WAITING FOR THIS UNIVERSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO INHERIT TO EXPLODE
WHICH IS APPARENTLY MY FUCKING REWARD FOR WINNING A GAME THAT GOT ME STABBED MULTIPLE TIMES BY A GUY I TRUSTED
AS WELL AS FORCED ME TO GRUBSIT TINY VERSIONS OF MYSELF AND ELEVEN OF MY CLOSEST FRENEMIES
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF
I FINALLY MET THE ONE PERSON IN TWO FUCKING UNIVERSES WHOM I HATE MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF
AND HE’S A COMPLETE FUCKING MORON INCAPABLE OF ANY EMOTION OTHER THAN STUPID

tA

2tupiid ii2nt an emotiion numnut2.

cG

SHUT UP.
OH AND TRY HAVING TEREZI ASKING YOU EVERY TEN MINUTES WHAT YOUR INSIDES TASTE LIKE.
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
THIS IS THE MOST FUCKED UP MATESPRITSHIP EVER.

cT

D --> For the si% hundred and twelfth time, lowb100d, we get it
D --> Your entire e%istence is completely worthless
D --> Can we move on

cA

i kinda feel better noww

tA

eheheh.
iit doe2 kiinda 2uck two be you.
sorry KK.

cC

Well were all in t)(e same boat now!

tC

tHaTs WhAt AlL iVe BeEn SaYiNg LiTtLe FiShY pRiNcEsS
wEvE jUsT gOtTa Be AlL wIlLiNg To LeT tHe MiRaClEs TaKe Us WhErE tHeY wIlL
aNd NoT lEt ThE wOrRyInG aLl Up AnD gEt Us DoWn
KnOw WhAt Im SaYiNg

cG

NOT A FUCKING CLUE.

gA

I Believe He Is Trying To Imply That We Should Make The Most of Our Time Here Together Until Such A Point At Which We Are Able To Amend Our Situation

cG

...
THAT’S SURPRISINGLY DEEP.

tC

HoNk :o)

cG

OH FUCK ME.

cA

wwelcome to hell kar

Recast

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Kate Monster: Kanaya Maryam (gA)
Brian: Eridan Ampora (cA)
Rod: Equius Zahhak (cT)
Nicky: Sollux Captor (tA)
Christmas Eve: Feferi Peixes (cC)
Princeton: Karkat Vantas (cG)
Gary Coleman: Gamzee Makara (tC)

I had plans to do "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" too...maybe I'll get to that someday :3

Well, now I expect every Avenue Q song recast with Trolls.

[chronicallyCrafty]

And in the end, will Eridan bust in and screw up the entire premise of the song by being completely racist?

Haha, well let's be honest, he's not the only one. I was gonna play that up, trust me >)

[SkaianRedeemer]

Well, now I expect every Avenue Q song recast with Trolls.

Well, at least Kanaya and Vriska are well aware, thanks to bucket antics, that the internet is for porn.

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AG: Wow, I knew we were creating our perfect, ideal world, 8ut I never thought that we were all such a pack of fucking deviants.
AG: Equius, I blame you.
AA: id argue if it werent s0 0bvi0usly true
AG: Did you just actually let some personality out, there?
AA: kismetic reflex
CT: D --> I am not happy about how everyone is talking behind my back
CT: D --> But considering the caliginous intent of the jibe I am prepared to
CT: D --> uh
CT: D --> Let it stand.
AG: Isn't that adora8le? That was painfully adora8le. All of you stop it this instant.
AG: What were we talking a8out, again?
GA: How Your Computer Is Strewn With Disconcerting Filth
AG: Right. Does anyone have a metric ton of soap or know how to defra8 a computer?
TA: ii am not comiing anywhere near you or your collectiion of human fiilm 2tiill2.
TA: even two do the world a favour and delete them
AG: 8aseless accusations and slander! I won't have another minute of them.

AG has banned everyone from responding to memo.

Anyway, I'm back now. Thanks to chronicallyCrafty for the kind words. I'd love to get all caught up but I'd also love to patch up this first chapter from the afore-predicted game changers before things get worse. Now how can I make this fic work when no one can sleep?

EDIT: Silly SR. Obviously, a Witch did it.

[KarneWarrior]

A Glimpse into the mind of Karnewarrior
Haunted House

Forward from the Author

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I have never claimed to be normal. For example, I have lived all of my life in the western world and yet I sit in a distinctly eastern style, whichj here is considered quite odd. Another example is my complete lack of Xenophobia, also at a premium here in America.

The majority of people have but two spirit guides, often taking the form of a demon and a angel. I, however, possess hundreds. They take the form of characters from books I've read and occasionally stories I write. The common demon and angel have long since left, presumably off to look for greener pastures (or in this case, shoulders).

This phenomenon, as I've been told, is incredibly uncommon. Most people do not have the opportunity to see Abraham Lincoln pistol-whip Tiffany Aching, nor the chance to view the Spider Queen on one of her better days. I feel quite lucky, if a bit crowded, and so I set aside one of the considerable empty portions of my mind. I built a neighborhood and told most of them to shut the hell up and keep away from the parts of me doing the writing and thinking and other important things. Most of the time, they live in contentment within the walls I have built.

But occasionally such a almagam of characters and assorted talking kitchen devices from my childhood produce a story quite unlike most of those written. This is one such story, bred of the fact that one of the characters seems to have brought in the idea of halloween to the Neighborhood.

This was obviously a brilliant idea. The responsible character (who wishes to remain anonymous) has been rewarded a medal. The murder soon afterward was completely unrelated.

On a less serious note, I would like to wish you all a happy halloween, and assuming your in my time zone and time period, a good night. I shall be off to bed shortly.

And do mind the birds.

Part 1: Granny Weatherwax throws a halloween party.

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Within the confines of the Neighborhood, a collection of houses containing more characters than most men would even dream of, there was but one manor. This manor was ofen locked off, seeing as Granny Weatherwax did not much like the rest of the Neighbors very much, and the new addition of sixteen thirteen year-olds, twelve of which were aliens, didn't sit well with her at all. But she decided that on this day, October the thiry-first, she would allow the children and a few of the adults inside of her home for what she termed "A small gatherin' of acceptable people".

Spiderwebs were hung in celebration of something long forgotten. The lack of reason didn't well stop anyone, and there was much cotton hung from trees in clingy strands and much cursing when Karkat bumbled into them.

Granny Weatherwax peeked around the corner of her door, and satisfied that there were no unwanted visitors, threw the door open wide with fake enthusiasm. Several men made their way into the manor, including one in only his knickers and a drape. A wizened old man bowed low and swept off his hat as he entered.

"Bah. We both know that you could probably out-witch me anyday, professor Dumbledore" She said, but she allowed Dumbledore to take her hand and plant a kiss on it. His bonnet fell off in the process however.

One very loud, very short creature entered the house. It had small orange horns and looked ready to decapitate something, wether it had a head or not. A small blind girl of similar persuasion entered after, purple cloak billowing. a massive golden chain rested lightly about her neck.

The guests that arrived after require little introduction, but some must be made for completenesses sake. They are as follows:

One Ender Wiggin
One Wayward Vagabond
One talking Toaster, complete with accompanying safty-blanket
Several small feegles
One or two masked elder god(s)
One mister Sam I Am.

The last one had brought what seemed to be a rotted plate of eggs and ham. Granny made a mental note to toss the stuff after Sam I Am had left the entrance hall.

A upbeat song began to play. Terezi dragged Karkat yelling onto the dance floor. Karkat lost his fake rainbow drinker fangs in the resulting scuffle, and a few teeth when a feegle joined in.

Dumbledore seemed to be doing a version of the tango with Captain Underpants. Sam I Am was engulfing the food table in his rather horrific maw. What Granny assumed was Cthulhu watched with a dark intrest.

And then the lights went black.

[BPrinny]

Well, now I expect every Avenue Q song recast with Trolls.

Well, at least Kanaya and Vriska are well aware, thanks to bucket antics, that the internet is for porn.

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AG: Wow, I knew we were creating our perfect, ideal world, 8ut I never thought that we were all such a pack of fucking deviants.
AG: Equius, I blame you.
AA: id argue if it werent s0 0bvi0usly true
AG: Did you just actually let some personality out, there?
AA: kismetic reflex
CT: D --> I am not happy about how everyone is talking behind my back
CT: D --> But considering the caliginous intent of the jibe I am prepared to
CT: D --> uh
CT: D --> Let it stand.
AG: Isn't that adora8le? That was painfully adora8le. All of you stop it this instant.
AG: What were we talking a8out, again?
GA: How Your Computer Is Strewn With Disconcerting Filth
AG: Right. Does anyone have a metric ton of soap or know how to defra8 a computer?
TA: ii am not comiing anywhere near you or your collectiion of human fiilm 2tiill2.
TA: even two do the world a favour and delete them
AG: 8aseless accusations and slander! I won't have another minute of them.

AG has banned everyone from responding to memo.

Anyway, I'm back now. Thanks to chronicallyCrafty for the kind words. I'd love to get all caught up but I'd also love to patch up this first chapter from the afore-predicted game changers before things get worse. Now how can I make this fic work when no one can sleep?

EDIT: Silly SR. Obviously, a Witch did it.

Vriska's such a pervert.



I bet all the stills are from Nick Cage movies.

[Ghosty]

I'll just leave this here.

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>Karkat: Elaborate.

CG: OKAY, SO ALL THE COLORS OF THE FUCKING RAINBOW CAN BE FOUND HIDDEN BENEATH THE SKIN OF ANY GIVEN TROLL.
CG: EACH HEART HAS A DIFFERENT COLOR, ANY PANADDLED HALFNOOK KNOWS THAT.
CG: BUT ME?
CG: I PERSONALLY HAVE A NASTY BRIGHT RED RIVER RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS.
CG: I FEEL IT IN ME LIKE FLAMES AND IT BURNS, JUST CONSTANTLY.
CG: I GET KIND OF INSPIRED BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAYBE, BLUEISH-GREEN, OR SOMETHING COOL AND REFRESHING LIKE THAT.
CG: IT CAN MAKE ME ENTERTAIN THE NOTION, SOMETIMES, SLIVER OF HOPE THAT IT IS, THAT THIS IS ALL A COLOSSAL PRANK OR A DREAM, AND I'LL WAKE UP AND INSTEAD OF A FREAKISH MUTANT SLIME I'LL HAVE ANY OTHER FUCKING COLOR PUMPING THROUGH ME.
CG: EVERY COLOR IS BETTER THAN THIS ONE. ALL THE COLORS ARE.
CG: ALL OF THEM.
CG: THESE MORONIC BASTARDS FLINGING THEIR BLOOD AROUND, THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS LIKE.
CG: I KNOW THEY'RE NOT AWARE OF MY COLOR, AND J3GUS, BELIEVE ME THEY NEVER WILL BE.
CG: BUT IT STILL FEELS LIKE THEY'RE LAUGHING AT ME SOMETIMES.
CG: LIKE A BIG KALEIDOSCOPIC FUCK YOU.

This came about from listening to this while imagining it from the perspective of a troll. I wanted to expand it and extend upon it, imagining what an elaboration would be like. I now share with you the result.

[PaulPower]

Popping out of my "taking a break from fanfic" bunker because I had a thought. We never really saw anything of Gamzee connecting to Terezi, Tavros to Gamzee, Equius to Kanaya, or Eridan to Nepeta. I thought it might be interesting to fill in the gaps (although I recall someone writing something for Tavros connecting to Gamzee at one point).

So, rolling with this idea, here's Equius connecting to Kanaya to complete one half of the Mobius Double Reacharound. I don't write troll - troll logs often, so this was an interesting departure to me. Also features a slightly softer post-falling-for-Aradia side to Equius.

CT --> GA

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CT: D --> Aradia has informed me that the red and b100 teams ruse was, in fact, a distra%ion
CT: D --> And that the twelve of us were fated to be on the same team all a100ng
GA: Yes It Does Seem That Way
CT: D --> Which means I now have to establish a conne%ion with you
GA: If You Wouldnt Mind
GA: This Meteor Is Getting Rather Close
CT: D --> Very well, then
GA: You Are Ok With This I Hope
GA: My Blood Is Not Too Green For You Or Anything
CT: D --> I can t001erate the company of Nepeta well enough, and your b100d is b100er than hers
CT: D --> Your haemochromatic lin% with the mother grub are a further e%tenuating circumstance
GA: I Suppose I Should Be Thankful For Small Mercies
CT: D --> One thing does bother me, however
CT: D --> By connecting to you it seems I will 100se my position as team leader
CT: D --> And become subservient to that filthy gutterb100d
CT: D --> The one who is so ashamed of his b100d that he has to hide it
GA: Actually I Found Out Something About That From Terezi
GA: Karkats Blood Is Bright Red
CT: D --> Really?
GA: Yes
GA: It Is An Almost Unnatural Shade
GA: Even Redder Than Aradias
CT: D --> Even redder than Aradia's, you say?
CT: D --> Hmm
GA: Do You Think You Can Work With That
CT: D --> Perhaps
CT: D --> I must admit the con%ept is making me...
CT: D --> Sweat
GA: Is That A Good Thing Or A Bad Thing
CT: D --> That's none of your business
GA: Ok Then
GA: Believe It Or Not I Do Know When Its Best Not To Meddle Sometimes
CT: D --> Good
GA: Incidentally I Think Vriska Has Forgiven You For The "Stunt" You Pulled
CT: D --> Stunt?
GA: She Was Under The Impression That She Was Going To Be Blue Team Leader
GA: Not That It Matters Now
CT: D --> Ah yes that
CT: D --> Well, quite apart from my haemochromatic e%cellence, it was the most 100gical way to get Aradia's new robot body to her
GA: I Can Understand That
CT: D --> And it must also be reassuring for you as her moirail to be able to keep an eye on her
GA: Yes It Is
GA: She Seems To Have Settled Down Now After An Admittedly Rocky Start
GA: And Has Developed An Ok Working Relationship With Tavros
GA: She Even Asked Me To Make A Dress For Her
GA: I Am Not Exactly Sure Why But It Is Good To See Her Taking An Interest In Fashion
CT: D --> Yes, it is good to see her develop some new hobbies
CT: D --> Are you ready to establish a conne%ion?
GA: Yes
GA: It Will Be Nice To Talk With My Lusus At Last
GA: Even If She Has Died
GA: Loading SGrub Client Now
CT: D --> Same with the server here
CT: D --> Let's make this transpire

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CT: D --> Have you been crying?
GA: What
GA: No
CT: D --> 100k Kanaya, don't lie to me
CT: D --> I can see the green on your chee%
CT: D --> Something is wrong
CT: D --> So what is it?
GA: Uh
GA: Its About Vriska
GA: She Seems To Have
GA: Flushed Feelings For Tavros
CT: D --> She could have f001ed me
CT: D --> I thought she detested that gutterb100d
GA: So Did I
GA: But It Seems Not
CT: D --> Hmm
CT: D --> But surely this is a happy o%asion?
CT: D --> Yesterday perhaps I would not have approved of such a mi%ing of the b100ds
CT: D --> Today... I am a little more inclined towards clemency
GA: Well It Isnt Exactly Going Well
GA: Tavros Seems Rather
GA: Nonresponsive
GA: But The Problem Is Less Who Vriska Does Have Flushed Feelings For
GA: And More Who This Implies That She Does Not Have Them For
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Oh I think I see
CT: D --> I am happy to say I have never had a problem like this with Nepeta
CT: D --> But from talking to Eridan I know that certain moirallegiences can become... ve%ing
CT: D --> Because one or both partners are 100king for a different type of relationship
CT: D --> Am I correct?
GA: Equius
GA: Could You Please Just Leave Me Alone For A Bit
GA: Im Sure You Have Some Underlings To Go Kill With Aradia Or Nepeta Or Whoever You Are With At The Moment
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Yes of course
CT: D --> Um
CT: D --> I hope you are feeling better soon

[Graven_Image]

PaulPower, that was a pretty good conversation fic.

I'm on a roll with these supershort oneshots.


OPEN TALKLOG

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CT: D --> Umm
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> This is an interesting development
CT: D --> Is anyone else getting sweaty over this
AA: is there anything that d0esnt make y0u sweaty equius
CT: D --> People who say "rubbish" when they really mean "garbage"
AA: ...
AA: w0w
AA: really
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Not so much as a dribble

[SkaianRedeemer]

Aw, PaulPower.

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GA: Is That A Good Thing Or A Bad Thing
CT: D --> That's none of your business

Hehehe.

[SkaianRedeemer]

This fic was initially inspired by the running gag that was running in the Romart thread when I suddenly lost connection to the internet for a few days: that they couldn't think of anyone to ship as an Auspice except poor, beleaguered Kanaya. The gag was funny, but is there really so little shipping fuel in Noble Office of the Ashen Quadrant? All right. Break out the crack pairings.

This fic is dedicated the Alternian third wheel. Crit welcome, especially considering the spaghetti I made of the end of Musical Thrones.


A Hand in Holding Hands
Part 1 (2, 3, 4, 5a, 5b, 6, recap1, 7)

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Sealed inside a large metal box, bare stone beneath half of every footstep, metal shock-cold under every other, no chance to live. The encasing hum of electronics and machinery was an undercurrent to every moment, but even "moments" had lost meaning: sputtering, choking in the strangling grasp of a place that knew no time. Rose tried to embrace it, because pondering the dismal trap was a distraction from the snake-whisper at the top of her sylladex. She had stacked everything else on top of them, in hopes that the sheer nuisance of having to pick everything else up would deter her from picking at the root, and twice, so far, it had. The Thorns of Oglogoth lay buried. She kept the Quills of Echidna in her Strife Deck now. Much less powerful, much less dangerous: far more acceptable for polite company. Not that she could call them that.

She was mostly sure it had been two weeks since they had arrived in the Troll's session. Time there was a matter of ticks on a wall, and she had not started those until a few days after the fact. She felt reasonably sure "five" but Jade thought "six" and Dave was away every time the question came to mind. Dave was always away, and every time he left, Rose felt a sinking feeling in her gut. She wondered if the others caught it as well: if John wondered or even noticed when Dave slipped quietly out of the abandoned lab section the Trolls had afforded them. She wondered if Jade had bothered to read into his coy wink and nonsensical "Just going for a walk under the stars," when there were, after all, no stars. Did the Trolls notice that every time he slipped away, Aradia would unemotionally unplug herself from her computer and follow a minute behind? Likely, but if any knew what it implied they hid it well: these sudden disappearances had instead given rise to a barely coded, if tame, innuendo, where "going outside" was the unofficial go-word for a private date. Sollux and Feferi, Karkat and Terezi: a walk under the cloak of timeless void and imminent death to pretend there was some beauty in which to conspire. For Araida and Equius it was to admit there was a foulness in which to bicker and snip at one another, in good ambience. It served.

But Rose could see the doom, and Dave just had the better angle. She had seen them slip out, independent of one another, on the first night and she knew at once that there was only one reason both the Knight and Maid of Time would have found some common purpose on that asteroid. The lab was outside of time, but the demon had been born within, and had a ways to go to escape and find them. Every time Dave came back, she could only imagine that he and Aradia were only there to watch until, again, they saw that their efforts had failed. To sit around until the first of them died or maybe, jaded, the sixth, the seventh, or the fourteenth, when they would slip away again and buy them all another day. Rose felt trapped, knowing she had only one life to sell to hold off the demon, and that she would have to spend her time waiting alone, divided from the eldritch whispering in her heart. She had put that aside, on strong urging, but without them she felt helpless, and wondered if her hesitation was responsible for the demon’s continued success, why Dave never stayed more than an hour. Sometimes she pondered the opposite, and wondered how she would truly behave in face of the demon. Would she call on the Dark Gods in a moment of panic or desperation? And if so, was that the reason Aradia was never at her post, why the sixteen of them were never together?

"Okay, now you've got to admit that the pinnacle of 80s filmmaking was Ghostbusters II. I mean, come on."

"Egbert, you scrape of alien fecal matter on the boot of Luck’s ugliest leg, stop trying to piss me off. I've been over your archives like, twice, and it's obvious that the pinnacle of your human 80s filmmaking was John Travolta's hit sequel Staying Alive."

Not that being together was some kind of joy. Beyond John and Karkat hogging the television they had brought over in captchacards with their beds, there were times when simply being around the Trolls was more than Rose could bear. But it was impossible to stay cooped up with Jade forever, and she had gotten to know them for better or for worse. There were some highlights. Feferi was nice to talk to, and her talks with Kanaya more than once went long into what most of them scheduled as “night” after the Witch and Sylph of Space had managed to string together a facsimile Derse and Prospit to let them go back to sleep. But there were also the secret rules to deal with at all times when dealing with the Trolls. These went far beyond the explicit rules Karkat had set in a long, shouted lecture upon their arrival ("Nepeta hunts an hour a day. Any consorts or pets loose are forfeit. And speaking of food, if anyone leaves any fucking lunch lying around I will personally find you and shove it down your oesophagus myself, and once you've had your warning..."). These rules were something mutually understood by the trolls that were at no point fully explained to the humans.

Vriska and Aradia were never to be unaccompanied by more than three persons. Eridan and Sollux never with less than two. Gamzee must have an escort every time he leaves the main room - something it did not take Rose long to discover had to do with the sopor facility they had set up in a lab. Don't go into Equius' room, "you wouldn't understand." It was hard to tell where the well-meaning gestures began and overwrought struck their territory. Rose also suspected there was some "rule" related to Aradia and Sollux, as Karkat, Terezi and Feferi had a habit of checking their hacker every time Aradia made her intermittent appearances. There was definitely another that had twice made Terezi intercept Feferi with meaningless chores when Fef had been en route to talk with Aradia with a trembling, nervous look on her face. But the rules were changing even for the Trolls.

"Are they older, maybe?" Rose had asked Karkat the day after they were positive what was going on.

"What the hell kind of question is that? We're all the same age!"

"That's why I'm asking you. Do you have any idea when each meteor went to after your Reckoning?"

"Yeah: the same batch of grubs. Maybe you should go ask their Mother Grub who hit the ground first? Oh wait, she's been dead for sweeps."

Rose had often wondered just how old Dave was going to get thanks to his constant time travelling, ever since he had started going to John for shaving cream, which their Heir suspiciously had in bulk. The Trolls, on the other hand, were not so subtle about their aging. Rose had caught Eridan in a fight with Karkat when his voice began to warp hideously between his usual tone and a deep, raspy one as though possessed. Karkat, with an astoundingly casual shrug of his shoulder, called it "post-wriggling penultimate moult" and returned to John to pick up watching Xanadu.

Eridan and Tavros were the biological victims. Rose could not think of two more opposed to be suffering so in kind. Beyond the voice changes, which had progressed from a rasp to an undercurrent hiss the other Trolls did not seem to hear but gave the human prey animals the ventriloquist impression that the speaker was whispering from another direction, they were growing. Worse, as Kakat has implied and to their embarrassment, they were shedding. Shedding was no constant for the Trolls but in these major life stage jumps it clearly became a problem, and Karkat's inner neat-freak soon set to work, using a broom as a baton and whip combined to get them to clean up after themselves.

The itching was terrible, and it gave rise to the next change: a deep hormonal one that brought out sharp bursts of rage. Tavros mostly buried his if he felt them at all, though Rose saw one burst through when a moulting itch started out on a patch of live skin trapped under his robot leg, and it took Equius almost an hour to get it loose for him. Surprisingly enough, these violent waves, if not the changes in general, had begun to attract moirailic attentions from the other trolls in curious, pale flirtings Rose was stretched to recognize. Gamzee had offered the comparably-furious Tavros a free night’s rest on his horn pile, Karkat had silenced one of Eridan’s outbursts with a smack to the head and a series of threats that sounded almost genuinely concerned.

The new bodies emerging from the moult were surprising. Overall, they kept their basic shape; it was clear that, as adults, they would just as much resemble their teen selves as any human, but there were changes if one was willing to look. They were larger by proportion to humans, and more built. With clothes on there less to make out, but intimate living conditions bred a certain disregard for certain decencies, especially when one’s lower body was constantly under mechanical repair. Tavros’ skin met at sharper angles and appeared, on the surface, sublimely changed in a way that implied physical armour, and even with him it was clear that Rose was seeing the form of apex predators rise up in her new allies.

But the worst was Vriska. While she still engaged in a healthy and active dose of spiteful jabs with Terezi and a worrying tail of John, her primary circle was still her ex-kismesis and Tavros. Seeing her circle go through this sort of puberty had a symbiotic effect on her dreamself body, and she too began to grow, shift in voice and, when her imagination got the better of her, itch from time to time. While Sollux remarked that he was thankful he wouldn't be "trapped in this thtupid wriggling body for the retht of my life," it was clear that Vriska's situation was somehow off. As Rose had only seen adult trolls in two dimensions – on computer screens and movie posters – she could not put her finger on it, but Karkat was perfectly happy to put his boot through it instead.

"Hey moron," he said, clapping her upside the head with the butt end of his Broom of Office. "Just because you're making shit up as you go doesn't mean you don't have to clean the fuck up after yourself. Eridan! Tell your boyfriend that he either starts growing like a girl or he has to play by the rules like the rest of us."

Vriska had blushed up like a Christmas light and the next day had changed drastically. Her shedding, as Karkat had implied, stopped entirely. The muscles were still there, if not even more enhanced, and any appearance of armour she was able to pick up at all on Eridan had been replaced with a dramatic increase in height. There was also a strange impression Rose got that Vriska's dreamself had replaced her teeth overnight with a new set of not entirely bone: some new material that caught the light at some angles and looked menacingly sharp. Vriska did not hide that she was growing new finger nails as well, though the word "claws" might be more correct, given the way she groomed them. Vriska’s reaction to Karkat had distressed Rose, and she had taken it to Kanaya. It had been one of their long nights, and they traded questions about Troll and human gender roles, stereotypes, and prejudices, especially considering the Troll's vestigial sexes. The unpleasantness evaporated over time - it tended to with Kan - and while Rose still had half a mind to trade words with Karkat about it, Kanaya had reassured her that she had no doubt that Vriska was already planning to do worse in her own time.

“I don’t suppose lashing out at your leader is exactly standard procedure,” she had said, sitting to Kanaya’s left as her friend typed, alone in the office. Rose sat atop the desk, one leg swinging back and forth.

“It is probably closer than any human equivalent. On the other hand, Karkat understands that we’re under a lot of stress right now. Some relief would be a help.”

“You mean there’s nothing he can do about it?” Rose said with a smile.

Kanaya half-grinned, on the opposite side of her face, in hopes of maintaining her usual look as the neutral auxiliatrix. “Perhaps.”

But the morning did not see any sort of elaborate or even simple revenge ploy. Karkat could be found curled up, as usual, on the couch. He had started the morning straight off with John before the rest of them were even up, watching, god help them, Zardoz. Jade was in one side of the room, playing games with Nepeta and their growing collection of toys and dolls, which Nepeta found endlessly fascinating. Kanaya was still in her room. Everyone else, including Dave and Aradia, were watching the late-pubescent trolls screaming at one another against the north wall, the laboratory’s surprise alarm clock that morning, with a dead zone about them of at least five feet.

“Listen, you little pus-sucking worm! If you don’t open your damn mouth and give me an answer…”

“maybe if you’d come and turn that rage somewwhere productive”

Vriska pushed Eridan aside with a jab from her finger. “Shut up, Eridan, if you were worth shouting at, you’d have known a loooooooong time ago. Tavros, dammit, open your mouth or I’ll show you what productive rage looks like!”

She decided to act on her threat immediately and hoisted him, robot legs and all, an inch off the ground and held him there, teeth barred and arm trembling before she was forced to drop him to the audible protest from the floor.

“uH, gEEZE VRISKA, i REALLY DIDN'T THINK THIS WOULD BOTHER YOU SO MUCH.”

“Spine, Travros! Don’t you dare open your mouth again unless you’ve grown some nerve!”

“I…”

Vriska, as opposed to Karkat, had a much more trainwrecky aura about her explosions, whereas Karkat’s had long since become routine. It was really hard to look away, especially when Vriska was spouting off oxymoronic demands at the top of her lungs with absolutely no self-awareness. But to Rose's surprise, only the humans seemed to be interested in the fight after too long. Karkat had turned back to his film (he had an oddball respect for Sean Connery, costume notwithstanding), Nepeta had never really left her game and Gamzee outright wandered over to his computer within the fight’s perimeter to start whatever constituted his digital routine. Feferi watched the fight out of the corner of her eye, fingers twitching, and at one point Rose thought she heard Sollux say “Don’t…”, but Feferi composed herself and that was the end of it.

Eridan attempted to interpose himself between the two of them, not easy given how little ground Vriska had allowed. “Mindfang, why don’t you just—”

Vriska’s off-hand shot out toward his neck and lifted him into the air. She made a point not to meet his eyes. “Didn’t I tell you to piss off about the FLARP names?” she said in a whisper. The hissing undercurrent that ran through all three of their voices was worse when they actually whispered, and Rose saw Jade, Dave and John shudder as she heard Vriska as though whispering into her ear from over her shoulder. A small trickle of purple blood seeped into his scarf and down Vriska’s pinky where it hit exposed flesh.

“Cut it out!” Jade said from one side of the room. Vriska ignored her, and Rose instinctively checked with John, but there seemed to be nothing he could do. Karkat was indifferent. True, John’s pull with the Trolls was limited without Karkat’s backing, but his pull with Vriska might have just been enough…

“Hey, Tavros,” Vriska said as Eridan swung a wild kick at her. “If you’re just gonna sit there with your mouth shut, hold your head still. I wanna try something.”

Tavros instinctively winced at her request, unintentionally lowering his horns, which suited Vriska’s needs admirably. She slapped a hand on his head to hold him there while trying to raise Eridan up toward a horn-tip with the other.

“Hey!” Rose snapped.

Rose never did wonder why the three of them were up so early, though if she had she might have thought better about doing what she did. She should have given more thought to what exactly they were fighting about, or imagined what might be going through their heads, but she did not. More than that, in hindsight she wished she had better recalled her and Kanaya’s eighteenth pesterchum conversation. It had been another quid pro quo conversation, a back and forth exchange of cultural data in hopes of stripping any future conversations of wary misunderstandings, exactly like she was about to make. But she did not, and instead she stormed up to Vriska.

“Drop him, Vriska.”

Vriska reacted very slowly, taking her hand first off of Tavros’ head and making a show of a dramatic slow turn towards Rose. She lowered Eridan for need of his weight, but did not release him, but took up so much time doing so that Rose was able to take advantage of it.

“Sit down, Tavros,” she said, trying to be calm.

“Rose, I don’t really think—”

“Tavros: Sit.”

He did as he was bid, walking away and taking his seat carefully at the side of the room, but Rose could not watch, as she had to keep her eye on Vriska. But that was breaking another one of the unspoken rules. “Never look Vriska in the eye. Never.” Vriska disdainfully tossed back her hair. Rose kept eye contact.

“What did you say?” Vriska asked.

Eridan decided to throw in his own chip. “Don’t…” he gurgled. “Don’t need your help here.”

“Quiet,” Rose muttered. Eridan’s insistence that she was his kismesis (something she had long realized was not an exclusive classification) had never really been more irritating. Vriska stepped forward and leaned over Rose to emphasize her increased height, a sneer on her face that showed a full set of her terrifying new teeth. Rose was not entirely sure how much of Vriska’s new appearance was genetic and how much was just her gruesome imagination, but there was everything unpleasant about standing in the shadow of a would-be alpha Troll.

“Put… him…” Rose repeated, slowly raising her hand to Vriska’s face. As she did, she double-checked her hand. Do not draw your needlewands, she thought in a mantra. Vriska had a quarter of the echeladder on her. Anything short of the Thorns would be absurd. Don’t tempt Fate while she still has her dice. “…down.”

Rose did not know it, but now everyone was looking at her. Karkat had set himself in a pondering look from the back of the couch. Nepeta stalled in mid-play, a plastic dinosaur dangling from one hand. Gamzee even looked away from his YouTube Poop. And at the entrance to the room, Kanaya had arrived, at first blinking and rubbing out sleep, but now leaning in the door frame, arms crossed and completely absorbed. Vriska had started laughing, and intentionally or otherwise, her grip on Eridan tightened. Rose’s psychological mind could not help but wonder if having Eridan at her mercy had re-lit some calignous flame in her heart, but with Vriska it was hard to tell, beyond that the ground she stood on could shift at any moment.

Rose set her own teeth, and pointing to Eridan, she slammed her hand down in the air. “Now!”

Vriska’s expression shifted from confidence to surprise in an instant, but she recovered, and shrugged. “…Fine,” she said, as though it were no concern of her own. “Gamzee!” He took to his feet, face still stuck in a grin, and Vriska tossed Eridan into him. With one last look at Rose, she tossed her hair back again with a harrumph, and walked away.

Rose caught her breath at once and, wishing she had never even gotten out of bed, turned to leave, but John caught her eye with a not-at-all subtle wave of his arms. He pointed back to Eridan, was was seething at her, and Rose caught his meaning at once.

“Eridan,” she called, exhausted. “Come on, let’s have that looked at.”

Eridan reached reflexively to his wounds. “What? Why?”

Rose tried – very hard, to limited results – to sound honest. “Because I’m concerned.”

Eridan took a moment to really take this in, before he finally said: “…aw, man…” John gave her a thumbs up, and she rolled her eyes as her deflated, would-be kismesis limped over to her. But it was hard to avoid the looks of the others, as they returned to their work. Stranger was Tavros, who did not return to work, but rather watched her with a curious look that encompassed but only just began at gratitude. Eridan muttered darkly about how he had been upstaged, but he seemed a touch less honest about it, and Vriska, while she tried to return subtly to her work, simply sat at her keyboard, drawing circles above her desk, muttering. Kanaya watched her closest of all.

It would be a day and a half before anyone told her she had just done the clubbed equivalent of walking in and kissing them each hard on the lips.

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Baby NaNo in Internet Heaven, I keep writing this fic in second person! Why would I even do that?

[Nanakii]

Whelp Skaian, that was a pretty awesome fanfic. I can't wait to see more ;D.
Paul, your fic was awesome too, hehe.

[mutecebu]

Oh boy, flash-fiction! This brings back memories of freshman year English classes... Hm, I wonder what a six-word-story fanfic would be like...

"Bloodstained metal. Calm down, you're 0kay."

Oooh, I love 6-word stories! Lets see...

Bad dreams. Thorns. Where's the Light?

Bah. I'll try to do better.

Edit:
"ATTENTION, HUMAN!"
"hi kakarat!"
*FRIENDSHIP ANEURYSM!*

[Graven_Image]

8irds of 4 F34TH3R

Act 1: Advance

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OPEN PESTERLOG #1

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arachnidsGrip began pestering ectoBiologist

AG: Joooohhhhn!
EB: hey vriska
AG: John
AG: I just watched Con Air
AG And it
AG: was
AG: Faaaaaaaa8ulous!
EB: i know, right?
AG: I really loved the part with Nick Cage in it
AG: Being all hard-8oiled and wh8not.
EB: umm
EB: that’s the whole movie
AG: I know!
AG: See, th8’s a play off the whole “I loved the part where” thing.
EB: haha
EB: i guess you’ve got a new appreciation for human cinema then
AG: Yes. Yes I do.
AG: 8ut enough a8out your human movies.
AG: How’s your 8itter rivalry with D8ve?
EB: it’s not really bitter.
AG: Are you 8etter than him?
EB: i
EB: i don’t guess
EB: he’s a pretty cool dude though. i don’t see why we have to keep trying to be better than each other
AG: You have to!
AG: Look, I don’t h8ve any proof yet,
AG: 8ut I’m sure he’s pl8ting your downfall as we speak!
EB: what?
EB: but he’s my friend
EB: seriously, we’ve been best buds for almost our entire life.
AG: John, I know this may seem a 8it hard to 8ear........
AG: 8ut your human “8est 8ud” been talking to Terezi freaking Pyrope.
AG: That hag has a way with words.
AG: She could 8e turning him against you right now!
EB: ....
EB: seriously?
AG: YES, SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!
EB: why?
AG: Heck if I know.
AG: Pro8a8ly 8ecause she thought I was doing the s8me thing.
AG: Which I’m not.
EB: well, what do you suggest we do about it?
EB: he’s the awesomest of dudes
EB: trained by the man that could fight jack noir to a standstill
AG: Yeah, that was pr8ty impressive.
EB: how do i know you’re telling the truth about her?
EB: for all i know, this is just some stupid one-upmanship play between you two.
AG: Ok........
AG: She’s tried to kill you, right? And she did, in an altern8 timeline.
EB: well
EB: wait
EB: she’s trying to off me again, but through Dave?
EB: that’s messed up.
AG: Ex8ctly. Th8’s why you need to 8e 8etter than Dave.
AG: So when Terezi tries to send him after you, you’ll 8e ready.
EB: well what do you suggest we do?
EB: we’ve already gotten all the fraymotifs
EB: and if I try grinding the imps terezi’s sure to figure something’s up
EB: any ideas?

EB: hello?
EB: vriska, you’ve been pondering for eight minutes.
AG: 8’s my maaaaaaaagic num8er.
AG: I know ex8ctly wh8 to do.
AG: Hang on.

arachnidsGrip ceased pestering ectoBiologist

OPEN PESTERLOG #2

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arachnidsGrip began trolling twinArmageddons

AG: Solluuuuuuuux!
TA: ugh
AG: I need your help.
TA: no
TA: no no no.
TA: ii thiink ii’ve made iit abundantly clear that ii have no iintere2t in helping any of you ever agaiin
TA: first ii helped you and you got tavro2
TA: then you maniipulated me and killed my giirlfriiend
AG: W8, you’re admitting th8 she was your girlfriend?
TA: then ii helped terezii and 2he got you
TA: then you got her back
TA: then ii helped my ex dead ex giirlfriiend and kiilled our entiire race
TA: and my2elf
TA: then my2elf agaiin
TA: and all of u2 at lea2t once
TA: my help has 2own nothing but death and 2orrow
AG: Umm........
TA: 2hut up ii’m not fiinii2hed yet
TA: iif thii2 requiirement of help ha2 anythiing two do with the human2
TA: our only hope off thii2 mii2erable floatiing rock
TA: than ii’m sure you could fiind anyone el2e among the 10 remaiiniing troll2 iin the multiver2e
TA: who could proviide a more tradiitiional form of help than ii
AG: This is different!
TA: 2ure iit iis.
AG: No, really.
AG: There’s only one troll in the m8ltiverse who can do this.
AG: And th8’s you!
TA: hmm
TA: ii’m not detectiing any psychiic iintru2iion
TA: ii2 thii2 for real?
AG: Yessssssss!
AG: It’s urgent!
AG: You know th8 one experiment you did with sgru8’s d8a
TA: oh no
AG: Oh yes.
AG: You have to try it again, 8ut across sessions.
AG: Otherwise, I’m sure John is doomed.
TA: ....
AG: Come oooooooon!
AG: M8ke or br8k, advance or a8scond!
TA: iif ii do iit, will iit shut you up?
AG: My lips will 8e zipped, from here on.
AG: I’ll never troll you again
AG: If you just do this one thing for all of us and save our future savior’s life.
TA: wow.
TA: you’re 2eriiou2 about thii2.
AG: Doooooooo iiiiiiiit!
TA: alriight jeez
TA: just let me lock onto him

TA: huh
TA: he doe2n’t seem two be iin much dii2tre22.
AG: That’s 8ecause he’s not in immedi8 danger
AG: 8ut if we don’t do this thing RIGHT NOW we’re screwed up our collective nook.
TA: fiine
TA: and who’s the template?
AG: Me, of course.
AG: ::::P
TA: ii had two a2k

arachnidsGrip ceased trolling twinArmageddons

OPEN PESTERLOG #3

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arachnidsGrip began pestering ectoBiologist

AG: John!
AG: John John John John John John John John
EB: what is it?
EB: is it the help?
AG: Yes!
AG: I got one of the other trolls to help me.
AG: You haven’t met yet, though. I’ll have to introduce the two of you once this hours-long 8rouhaha is over.
EB: ok
EB: so what do I do now?
AG: Just relax.
EB: hang on
EB: if I’ve watched any number of scifi movies
EB: and I have
EB: “just relax” is the immediate precursor to an incredibly painful and scarring medical procedure
EB: so let’s have it
EB: what exactly is about to happen?
AG: It’s called “imprinting”.
AG: It’ll give you an edge over Dave.
AG: Until Terezi figures on doing it herself.
AG: 8ut 8y then, I’ll have you set with all-new fraymotifs and weaponry........
EB: ummmm
AG: Wh8?
EB: my eye feels
EB: itchy
AG: That’s normal.
EB: ow
EB: ow ow ow ow
EB: I am in
EB: a whole crapload of pain right now
EB: help
EB: ayhfjklnakfb
AG: John?
AG: Helloooooooo.
AG: Hmph.

arachnidsGrip ceased pestering ectoBiologist

[-Benedict]

8irds of 4 F34TH3R

Act One: Advance

show spoiler

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OPEN PESTERLOG #1

show spoiler

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arachnidsGrip began pestering ectoBiologist

AG: Joooohhhhn!
EB: hey vriska
AG: John
AG: I just watched Con Air
AG And it
AG: was
AG: Faaaaaaaa8ulous!
EB: i know, right?
AG: I really loved the part with Nick Cage in it
AG: Being all hard-8oiled and wh8not.
EB: umm
EB: that’s the whole movie
AG: I know!
AG: See, th8’s a play off the whole “I loved the part where” thing.
EB: haha
EB: i guess you’ve got a new appreciation for human cinema then
AG: Yes. Yes I do.
AG: 8ut enough a8out your human movies.
AG: How’s your 8itter rivalry with D8ve?
EB: it’s not really bitter.
AG: Are you 8etter than him?
EB: i
EB: i don’t guess
EB: he’s a pretty cool dude though. i don’t see why we have to keep trying to be better than each other
AG: You have to!
AG: Look, I don’t h8ve any proof yet,
AG: 8ut I’m sure he’s pl8ting your downfall as we speak!
EB: what?
EB: but he’s my friend
EB: seriously, we’ve been best buds for almost our entire life.
AG: John, I know this may seem a 8it hard to 8ear........
AG: 8ut your human “8est 8ud” been talking to Terezi freaking Pyrope.
AG: That hag has a way with words.
AG: She could 8e turning him against you right now!
EB: ....
EB: seriously?
AG: YES, SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!
EB: why?
AG: Heck if I know.
AG: Pro8a8ly 8ecause she thought I was doing the s8me thing.
AG: Which I’m not.
EB: well, what do you suggest we do about it?
EB: he’s the awesomest of dudes
EB: trained by the man that could fight jack noir to a standstill
AG: Yeah, that was pr8ty impressive.
EB: how do i know you’re telling the truth about her?
EB: for all i know, this is just some stupid one-upmanship play between you two.
AG: Ok........
AG: She’s tried to kill you, right? And she did, in an altern8 timeline.
EB: well
EB: wait
EB: she’s trying to off me again, but through Dave?
EB: that’s messed up.
AG: Ex8ctly. Th8’s why you need to 8e 8etter than Dave.
AG: So when Terezi tries to send him after you, you’ll 8e ready.
EB: well what do you suggest we do?
EB: we’ve already gotten all the fraymotifs
EB: and if I try grinding the imps terezi’s sure to figure something’s up
EB: any ideas?

EB: hello?
EB: vriska, you’ve been pondering for eight minutes.
AG: 8’s my maaaaaaaagic num8er.
AG: I know ex8ctly wh8 to do.
AG: Hang on.

arachnidsGrip ceased pestering ectoBiologist

OPEN PESTERLOG #2

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arachnidsGrip began trolling twinArmageddons

AG: Solluuuuuuuux!
TA: ugh
AG: I need your help.
TA: no
TA: no no no.
TA: ii thiink ii’ve made iit abundantly clear that ii have no iintere2t in helping any of you ever agaiin
TA: first ii helped you and you got tavro2
TA: then you maniipulated me and killed my giirlfriiend
AG: W8, you’re admitting th8 she was your girlfriend?
TA: then ii helped terezii and 2he got you
TA: then you got her back
TA: then ii helped my ex dead ex giirlfriiend and kiilled our entiire race
TA: and my2elf
TA: then my2elf agaiin
TA: and all of u2 at lea2t once
TA: my help has 2own nothing but death and 2orrow
AG: Umm........
TA: 2hut up ii’m not fiinii2hed yet
TA: iif thii2 requiirement of help ha2 anythiing two do with the human2
TA: our only hope off thii2 mii2erable floatiing rock
TA: than ii’m sure you could fiind anyone el2e among the 10 remaiiniing troll2 iin the multiver2e
TA: who could proviide a more tradiitiional form of help than ii
AG: This is different!
TA: 2ure iit iis.
AG: No, really.
AG: There’s only one troll in the m8ltiverse who can do this.
AG: And th8’s you!
TA: hmm
TA: ii’m not detectiing any psychiic iintru2iion
TA: ii2 thii2 for real?
AG: Yessssssss!
AG: It’s urgent!
AG: You know th8 one experiment you did with sgru8’s d8a
TA: oh no
AG: Oh yes.
AG: You have to try it again, 8ut across sessions.
AG: Otherwise, I’m sure John is doomed.
TA: ....
AG: Come oooooooon!
AG: M8ke or br8k, advance or a8scond!
TA: iif ii do iit, will iit shut you up?
AG: My lips will 8e zipped, from here on.
AG: I’ll never troll you again
AG: If you just do this one thing for all of us and save our future savior’s life.
TA: wow.
TA: you’re 2eriiou2 about thii2.
AG: Doooooooo iiiiiiiit!
TA: alriight jeez
TA: just let me lock onto him

TA: huh
TA: he doe2n’t seem two be iin much dii2tre22.
AG: That’s 8ecause he’s not in immedi8 danger
AG: 8ut if we don’t do this thing RIGHT NOW we’re screwed up our collective nook.
TA: fiine
TA: and who’s the template?
AG: Me, of course.
AG: ::::P
TA: ii had two a2k

arachnidsGrip ceased trolling twinArmageddons

OPEN PESTERLOG #3

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arachnidsGrip began pestering ectoBiologist

AG: John!
AG: John John John John John John John John
EB: what is it?
EB: is it the help?
AG: Yes!
AG: I got one of the other trolls to help me.
AG: You haven’t met yet, though. I’ll have to introduce the two of you once this hours-long 8rouhaha is over.
EB: ok
EB: so what do I do now?
AG: Just relax.
EB: hang on
EB: if I’ve watched any number of scifi movies
EB: and I have
EB: “just relax” is the immediate precursor to an incredibly painful and scarring medical procedure
EB: so let’s have it
EB: what exactly is about to happen?
AG: It’s called “imprinting”.
AG: It’ll give you an edge over Dave.
AG: Until Terezi figures on doing it herself.
AG: 8ut 8y then, I’ll have you set with all-new fraymotifs and weaponry........
EB: ummmm
AG: Wh8?
EB: my eye feels
EB: itchy
AG: That’s normal.
EB: ow
EB: ow ow ow ow
EB: I am in
EB: a whole crapload of pain right now
EB: help
EB: ayhfjklnakfb
AG: John?
AG: Helloooooooo.
AG: Hmph.

arachnidsGrip ceased pestering ectoBiologist

Um. Hey. Graven Image? This is like really cool and stuff, but this isn't building up to the Vriska/femjohn thing from Alterniabound's Trickster Mode, is it? Because that would be really weird.
If (more likely) this is heading towards John with Vision Eightfold (and, i dunno, blind dave? he already has the glasses), this is going to get even more awesome.

[Graven_Image]

Not... quite.


EDIT: Ok maybe sorta
:y

[KarneWarrior]

Obviously it's a fic about how Eridian killed everybody on the meteor.

Obviously.

[-Benedict]

Not... quite.

:y

Well now I'm just kind of worried.

Obviously it's a fic about how Eridian killed everybody on the meteor.

Obviously.

spacetimeCounselor: Pedantic flip the fuck out.

ERIDAN! IT'S ERIDAN! ERIDAN KILLED EVERYBODY WHO WAS OBVIOUSLY ON THE METEOR! NOT ERIDIAN! IT'S ERR-ID-AN! IT DOES NOT RHYME WITH MERIDIAN! OBVIOUSLY! IT'S A SIX LETTER WORD! AAAAAAAAGHKLkhjgs:dkjlsbjk;s

[Miss Prince]

This fic was initially inspired by the running gag that was running in the Romart thread when I suddenly lost connection to the internet for a few days: that they couldn't think of anyone to ship as an Auspice except poor, beleaguered Kanaya. The gag was funny, but is there really so little shipping fuel in Noble Office of the Ashen Quadrant? All right. Break out the crack pairings.

This fic is dedicated the Alternian third wheel. Crit welcome, especially considering the spaghetti I made of the end of Musical Thrones.

This is really fantastic. I love the detail about troll puberty, and the bleakness of Dave and Aradia continually mucking about with time to give them just a little longer, and the awkwardness of the kids trying to fit in with these total aliens and their different culture.

It'd be really awesome to see more of this kind of thing from you, maybe even set in the same continuity.

[Tenebrais]

There's a couple of things that have cropped up quite a few times in quite a lot of fics that are really starting to bug me. Might as well air out that dirty laundry now:

1) Trolls have never had any figure called "Gog". It's a single typo that appears in a SBaHJ comic. Karkat explicitly talks of "God" and Terezi had no idea what a Jegus was when she brought it up with Dave.

2) A caliginous relationship is a kismesis, not a kismet. Kismet is the root word; it has to do with fate.