MSPA fan fiction 2

[Kerensky287]

John: Welcome Trolls to Earth

John: Punch Karkat in the snout to establish congeniality.

[nightmarechild]

This is about if the trolls never played Sgrub and how much they changed in one sweep. This part is specifically about Nepeta and Equius.

Maturity:

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She didn’t even flinch as she heard rocks crumbling from very powerful footsteps. She knew he was coming to stop her, why couldn’t everyone just let her be? Let her do what she wanted? Equius walked towards her with anger in his step and kneeled down to get eye to eye.

He held out a hand and emotionlessly demanded, “Claws. Give them to me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking abou-” He cut her off, she didn’t even think that would work anyways.

“Just stop it, where did you even hide them? I thought we agreed you wouldn’t use your claws like that anymore…” Equius took off his glasses to make sure she could see his concern and kept his hand out.

She just tucked her face into her knees, she couldn’t get herself to look into his eyes or she wouldn’t be able to stop crying for hours. She hated him, all of her self-proclaimed ‘friends’ for making her feel even guiltier. As if killing her lusus wasn’t enough.

She took out the last set of claws she had managed to hide and reached her hand out, with her sleeves ripped you could clearly see the self inflicted scars all over her arms.

Her breath caught in her throat and she looked up in confusion as her moirail gently put a hand on her shoulder, “I save dozens of low bloods every day. Why won’t you let me help you?” It was true, he had really changed since Karkat revealed his blood color, the mere thought that someone would be so ashamed of blood color that they went to such lengths to hide it…It pushed him to decided that the highbloods should protect those lower rather than persecute them.

“I…I just can’t take it anymore.” It was quite the anomaly, she had been the most independent out of all of her friends but she was most traumatized by the death of her lusus. They had all changed in one short sweep, Tavros especially; no one would have thought he’d be the first to pull it together.

“Look, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to be here for you every day to save you from yourself.” He lifted her head up to meet his eyes, “I don’t care if you hate me for it I’m not going to give up until you smile again. I haven’t seen you smile in…I can’t even remember.” His smile faded into a frown of worry again.

After saying he was the best moirail she had ever seen she just sniffled for a bit. Burying her face in his shoulder and sobbing when the guilt welled up again. She muttered an apology about ruining his cloths with her tears and black makeup. He was just happy she was responding and held her for a bit. He saw one of her walls had pictures faded from lack of upkeep.

Remembering what they were he took a deep breath, chuckled, and said, “Tell you what, I am going to do something and you’re going to smile.” She looked up at his eyes seeing he was laughing at what he was going to say, “Pick one” He held up a finger “Just one of the squares on your old shipping wall and I’ll do everything in my power to make it happen, no matter what it is.”

She, for the first time in so-long-it-hurts smiled. Looking through her teary eyes at him she mumbled, “Thanks,” and her depressed clinging turned into a thankful hug knowing that he was willing to do so much just to make her happy. Even though she didn’t think she deserved it.

[Wigmund]

I had a silly idea. After the Kids and Trolls have defeated Lord English, they have to wait several days while Skaia prepares for whatever their reward is. So they take their time by watching movies, have relationship squabbles, accidentally creating hybrid babies and having a...

KARAOKE NIGHT

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Everyone was gathered in one of the many empty rooms that made up most of the Troll's asteroid lab, the place had been converted into an entertainment lounge by one of the Trolls during their pre-Rift wait and now it was finally being used. Someone had the damned bright idea to hold a 'karaoke night'.

Who ever decided that was gonna get blasted Sollux thought as Feferi pushed him up onto the stage.
Come on silly fis)(, t)(is won't be so bad.
But FF, ii don't want to do thiith. II can't thing. II'll make a fool of mythelf!
)(ave you ever tried thiilly?
...
no
T)(en get on stage and try! I'll be glubbing for you!
ok FF...thiith iith not gonna be fun...but ii'll do iit for you.
Sollux got up on stage. He hated being in front of everyone. This sucked, but Feferi was there cheering him on. He would do this for her. He just had to imagine that no one else was here. Maybe he'd do that song from that human movie she was watching all the time recently. He pulled up the song and began...

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COME MY LOVE AND II'LL TELL YOU A TALE,
OF A BOY AND GIIRL
AND THEIR LOVE STORY.
-----E-----E-----E
AND HOW HE LOVED HER OH SO MUCH,
AND ALL THE CHARMS SHE DID POSSESS.

NOW THIS DID HAPPEN ONCE UPON A TIIME,
WHEN THIINGS WERE NOT SO COMPLEX.
AND HOW HE WORSHIPED THE GROUND SHE WALKED,
AND WHEN HE LOOKED HE BECAME OBSESSED.
KEEP GOING SOLLUX! 3XD

MY LOVE IIS LIKE A STORYBOOK STORY,
BUT IITS AS REAL AS THE FEELIINGS II FEEL.
MY LOVE IIS LIKE A STORYBOOK STORY,
BUT IITS AS REAL AS THE FEELIINGS II FEEL.

HIIS LOVE WAS STRONGER THAN THE POWERS SO DARK,
A PRIINCE COULD HAVE WIITHIIN HIIS KEEPIING.
HIIS SPELLS TO WEAVE AND STEAL HER HEART,
WIITHIN HER HEART, BUT ONLY SLEEPIING.
wwhat the fuck, is this a jab at me sol?

MY LOVE IIS LIKE A STORYBOOK STORY,
BUT IITS AS REAL AS THE FEELIINGS II FEEL.
MY LOVE IIS LIKE A STORYBOOK STORY,
BUT IITS AS REAL AS THE FEELIINGS II FEEL.

AND HE SAID :
"Don't you know II love you oh, tho much,
and lay my heart at the foot of your drethth."
AND SHE SAID :
"Don't you know that storybook lov-Es,
Always )(av-E a )(appy -Ending."


THEN HE SWEPT HER JUST LIKE IIN THE BOOKS,
AND ON HIIS STALLIION THEY RODE AWAY
glubglubglubglubglubglub

MY LOVE IIS LIKE A STORYBOOK STORY,
BUT IITS AS REAL AS THE FEELIINGS II FEEL.
MY LOVE IIS LIKE A STORYBOOK STORY,
BUT IITS AS REAL AS THE FEELIINGS II FEEL.

Wath that alriight FF?
Feferi couldn't speak, she just beamed at him with eyes that were more moist than usual. She took his hand and the dragged him out of the room.

I guess that answers that. Who's next? Karkat - you want to show us your awesome talents?
WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT I COULD...
Karkat turned various shades of red as he kept glancing at Jade, who was also turning various shades of red.
...okay...something happened between you two that involved you finding out that Karkat actually could sing, is that right Jade?
Both Karkat and Jade started stammering
Oh god I was right, that was just a guess based off of Karkat's crappy girl movies
THOSE MOVIES ARE GREAT! FINE, I'LL REVEAL MY AWESOME TALENTS TO ALL OF YOUR NOOKROT SUFFERERS!

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Lying beside you here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind?

We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
Open arms

Karkat didn't get to finish the song.

Dave and Terezi had taken the opportunity to start throwing chairs at him. Whether this was due to jealousy on their part or just because they wanted to jerk Karkat's goat - it was hard to tell.
Jade meanwhile was frozen, her eyes wide open in shock. She was shaking. She clasped her hands and started rubbing them together.
Oh Karkat...oh karkat...Is...
Is this how you truly feel about me?
Karkat got up and was rubbing his head, nursing a nice lump that was rivaling his horns in size.
...maybe...
Jade covered her mouth and started hyperventilating. She ran from the room. Kanaya and Rose looked at each other, got up and followed her.

Karkat watched them leave. He crept over to his chair and curled up in it. John had saw that he had eyes that would put any puppy to shame.

Well then...
Who's next?

Nepeta bounced up.
XDD < ooh ooh me me!

That didn't go where I expected it to
Maybe I'll work on this some more, maybe I won't.

[Graven_Image]

It's so late. But it was worth it, just to get this out to you all before I have to leave for a week.

HaRlEyQuIn

Chapter 5

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Jade sighed, setting down the dream lunchboxtop and watching it dissolve into nothing.

“Karkat can be a real pain to deal with.”
“Naw, he’s just mad.”
“At what?”

Gamzee didn’t know the answer to that question. He was going to try answering it, but a sudden crack in the ground between them interrupted his train of thought.

“Alright, now what’s happening?”
“I guess...”

The crack surrounded them both, and the sky faded to black.

“We’re waking up.”

WHUMP

...went Gamzee‘s half-asleep form as it hit the floor, followed shortly by Jade’s.

“Ohhh... My head...”
“Dude, that was one heck of a thing.”
“What was that?”
“I dunno, man, but it was friggin’ miraculous.”

Jade stood up slowly, feeling simultaneously well-rested and ready to fall over. She stumbled, almost hitting the floor again-

And Dave caught her.

“Hey there, garden girl. What’s going on?”
“Oh, hey Dave. I just... I have a headache...”
“Say no more.”

With that, Dave picked up Jade in a manner that made it the second time she had been swept off her feet in as many days.

---

OPEN PESTERLOG

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caligulasAquarium began pestering gardenGnostic
GG: oh dear.
CA: hey jade is this a bad time
CA: i heard wwhat you and gamzee got up to
CA: and i figured you could use a friendly face
GG: i’ve seen plenty of friendly faces today, eridan
GG: right now the thing I want to see most is some ibuprofen and a very comfy, very QUIET bed.
CA: wwoww
CA: seems those pies really did a number on you eh
GG: i really don’t want to talk about it ok
CA: wwell jeez
CA: i wwas only gonna tell you that i got an auspistice but fine
CA: be like that
GG: what?
GG: you have an auspiwhatever?
CA: youre mine noww
GG: sigh
GG: yeah i guess
GG: now spill it!

---

Time passed, as obviously time must. Dave watched over Jade’s recovery from the mother of all pie-assisted naps, and Gamzee snuck her in a very, very small piece every now and again.

Just to take the edge off.

And as time passed, Jade got better. The whole auspistice thing of Eridan’s turned out to be a big hoax intended to get Jade’s attention. Jade admitted to a superior prank when she saw it. She also half-jokingly threatened to leave Eridan moirail-less again.

And it is the point after this passing of time that this story finds itself skipping to, as the period in between is quite frankly boring and completely irrelevant to what’s happening right now.

---

“...and the colors, Dave, you wouldn’t believe the colors!”
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
“No, Dave, you didn’t see it. You really had to see it to get it.”

Jade and Dave were having another of their chats in the foyer, which had this time veered off into Jade’s recent sojourn into the Land of Trips and Miracles.

“And the best part is, when I have to sleep, I just eat this stuff, and the dreams go away! No monsters, no nightmares!”
“Do you think that has anything to do with why the trolls sleep in vats of the stuff?”
“Probably.”

Jade’s gaze wandered, until her face suddenly brightened with a seemingly important realization.

“Oh! I just remembered!”
“What?”
“I was saving this for you...”

She brought out her sylladex, and produced yet another of her pies.

“Jade, seriously. You think I’m going to eat that after seeing what you went through?

Jade’s eyes narrowed, and she sat upright, pie in hand.

“Dave Strider, I am the last female human unrelated to you in the universe. If you ever want a shot at propagating the species, you’re going to eat this pie right now.”

His reaction was unreadable behind those tightly pursed lips and those huge glasses of his. But he finally sighed, with a sound like air squealing out of a balloon, and grabbed the slice Jade was offering her.

“If this screws up my brain, I’m going to freaking kill you.”

A few minutes later, Karkat walked by. To his untrained eye, it simply looked like two of the humans had fallen asleep in a pile like a pair of immature houndbeasts. But of course, that was not the case.

The journey to LOTAM was on again.

[SkaianRedeemer]

@nightmare: Hahaha, Eridan, you so bad at this. @Maturity: I am now curious which square she would pick. That was an honestly heartfelt gesture from AU Equius.

@egregiousBass: Loved it. Was really able to get into it from the get-go, definitely a favourite. Though I wouldn't call it a shortfic, no :P.

@KanjiUsagi: That was so sweet! A friend and I actually had a joke once about an exile Drone pestering Aradia but it was never more than that. This is so much nicer.

@Wigmund: Oh no, emoticons have invaded your fic! Pesky things. Also, I'm afraid my musical illiteracy is going to hit me up here but I can't place the first song. Shoot.

@Graven: I don't think I've ever threatened withhold future sex from someone that didn't eat a pie I made, or vice versa. I am truly not living in the best of all possible worlds. Is that the last chapter? It's a good conclusion, though you can bet the forum will miss its trips to LOTAM soon enough. Hope you have a good whatever you're doing for a week!

[Douhneill]

My god those were awesome.
I'm actually pretty bad at narration, as I have recently learned, but I love doing dialogue between characters. So I've decided to post a few bits of conversation that I thought were pretty amusing from the last story I tried to write, as well as little concepts that have been floating around my head for a while

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SoRrY i'M lAtE gUyS.
D4MN1T G4MZ33 1 TOLD YOU NOT TO USE YOUR SYLL4D3S 4S 4 L1GHT SOURC3.
ThE cOlOuRs, So BeAuTiFuL.
WOULD YOU TWO MORONS STOP CHATTING AND GET ON THE BUS?
OF COURS3, OUR 1LLUSTR1OUS L34D3R. 1 4PPOLOG1S3 FOR TH3 1NCONV3N13NC3.
SHUT UP, TEREZI.
1 SH4LL, OH 1LLUSTR1OUS L34D3R. 4NYTH1NG TO S3RV3 YOU.
GOG DAMMIT.

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EB: so what you're saying is that kimesitude..
CG: KISMESISSITUDE.
EB: whatever!
EB: you're saying that kismesissitude is like some sort of prank-off?
CG: JEGUS JOHN. I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO UNDERSTAND EVEN THIS.
CG: KISMESISSITUDE IS WHEN TWO TROLLS HATE EACH OTHER.
CG: IT'S LIKE MATESPRITSHIP, BUT WITH HATE.
EB: wait... so you have sloppy hate-out sessions?
CG: DRONES TAKE ME NOW.
EB: how would that even work anyway?
-- carcinoGenecist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
EB: typical. the one time i actually care to listen to the guy's rambling, and he bails.

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AG: So, John.
EB: yes?
AG: When we meet, you need to try FLARP.
EB: flarp?
AG: Yeah! It's awesome!
EB: i guess i might.
AG: Which means you need to cre8 a persona for the game.
EB: why?
AG: 8ecause it's roleplaying! Duh!
EB: bluh.
AG: I am unfazed 8y your human 8luh.
EB: 8luuuuuuuuh.
AG: Curses, I've 8een found out!
EB: *colonel trickhands uses his vast array of alien bluhs upon the marquise*
AG: *Marquise Mindfang makes a tactical retreat after discovering the colonel knows her one weakness*
AG: "I'll get you yet, Trickhands!"
EB: hahahahahahahaha
AG: See? Even just regular roleplaying is fun.
EB: haha seriously. i'm gonna have to try this flarp thing out with you sometime.
EB: i'm only a beginner though, so go easy on me.
AG: ...
AG: Maaaaaaaaybe.
EB: i'm suddenly scared and excited at the same time.
AG: Muahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! >::::)

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-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
TT: Karkat.
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.
TT: I've recently heard that you mentioned the problem about the continuation of our species.
CG: SO WHAT.
TT: I'd like to have you know that there is a slight problem with your "solution".
CG: I DON'T CARE.
TT: I don't care whether you care or not. The details of human genetics isn't what I am here to discuss with you.
CG: WELL THEN. WHAT ARE YOU HERE TO 'DISCUSS' WITH ME?
TT: The bottom line is that your idea of any of us simply assigning us relationships is absurd.
CG: LOOK HERE, GIRL. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME.
TT: I doubt that you could possibly care about anything.
TT: But that is neither here or there.
CG: JUST SPIT OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY AND STOP WASTING MY TIME.
TT: Very well. I will try to use language that seems more familiar to you.
TT: Stay out of our relationship shit, or I will personally fuck you up.
CG: HAH! AS IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING TO ME TO MAKE MY LIFE ANY MORE MISERABLE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS.
TT: You'd be surprised.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeniticist [CG] --
CG: ...
CG: SHE WASN'T BLUFFING, WAS SHE?
CG: FUUUCK.

So here you go. Just a few ideas I don't think I could make into full-fledged stories, but seem interesting enough on their own. If you think you could write something using these, go right ahead.

P.S. the reason why some of them have start/end points and others don't is because there would be more chatting in the context that's given, but I didn't come up with it yet. I might add some later. Probably not, though.

*edit* gog I gotta learn to post faster on this thread. Seriously, I somehow managed to get ninja'd by over twenty minutes.

[sarasvati]

cross-posting this over here because I forgot to, whoops. wrote a flash-fic for one of starkirby's adorable pictures in the romart thread.

fault lines
dave/jade
just because she didn't mean it doesn't mean she didn't start it.

(ao3's been having aneurysms lately; if it gives you an error, try refreshing.)

[nightmarechild]

I am now curious which square she would pick.

I smell a topic for the next part!

[nextian]

It's because of Yuletide, it's this small-fandom fic exchange and it ate the AO3 servers this year.

Beautiful as always, saras.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Since I'm such a trend monkey, I figured I'd hop onto the sex ed train too. But not entirely for the kitch of it: actually because a terrible educational film was the idea behind my second ever Homestuck fanfic! It never actually reached conclusion and almost everything not directly related to the premise was cannibalized into A Hand in Holding Hands, so all that's really left is a few Author's Notes and three partially intact scenes with improper formatting (I'm tired, maybe I'll get it later), so I can't promise this is going to be entertaining for everyone. Anyone. All the same, I figure writing it up is a better way to clean up the idea than letting it sit in my head to fester.

Skaian's Scraps

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This fic was to be done in script format considering that it's essentially just the kids watching a movie. It begins with Jade bothering Karkat while he's at his email, doing, yes, a series of sbemail jokes. I said it had been in my head for a while, didn't I?

It turns out Jade wants to know how the Trolls met, and he tries to clam up only for her to reveal that she actually knows the rough of it but has heard that he might still have a tape of it. This catches the attention of the other humans, and Karkat is pressured into revealing that yes, he still has the tape. Apparently, most of the Trolls met not for insurrection purposes like in HiHH, but because they were all drafted by the government when they were four sweeps old to film one of those awful educational films like they show in schools on earth. Learning he still has this just turns on the pressure from the other Trolls, and Karkat reluctantly puts the film in, which he reveals is not actually the finished copy but rather the rough edit.

Some setting up later, and soon almost half the cast is trying to crowd onto one couch to watch the movie, and our first semi-complete scene begins:

Introduction

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[The film shows a shot of an empty white void. In the middle of it stands an adult male Troll wearing a pink sweater.]

SPOKESMAN: Hi, I'm Troll Troy McClure! You might remember me from such coming of age educational films as: "Sopor: My Squeaky Green Friend!" and "So you've just killed your Lusus... A Culinary Guide!" Have you ever been spending some time with an attractive young Troll your own age and started to feel a certain... unusual pang in your gut? Well... [stage laugh] you'd better report that immediately, because after all, [he looks directly and darkly into the camera] suceptibility to illness is treason!

[His smile mechanically returns and he starts walking senselessly through the white void.]

MCCLURE: I'm here to take you on a whirlwind tour of...

[Title card]

MCCLURE: The Four Quadrants And You!

[The camera then jumps to child versions of the main Troll cast who are standing around looking at one another anxiously.]

MCCLURE: And joining me today are twelve young volunteers just like--

[The film suddenly statics out and when it returns, it is showing a young Eridan stomping after a retreating camera and shouting.]

ERIDAN: You wanna see the princess? Well here's an idea! How about you and your government cameras go straight back to your damn Empress and tell her that if she wants to see Feferi, she comes back with a death wish and the goddamned army. In fact, I don't think you both need to do that...

[A flash erupts from his hand and the camera feed abruptly jumps back to the lineup of young trolls. The line suddenly stops on a Troll we have never seen before wearing the ophiuchus symbol]

MCCLURE: --Eleven! Eleven young Trolls just like yourselves.

From here, the movie divides into several vignettes on the Quadrants pared down for children... in a manner of speaking. For example, in the section on Moirails, Vriska and UU are shown as an example of a dangerous kismesis that requires taming. When told to improvise by McClure, Vriska clubs him over the head and tosses him to her lusus to McClure's approval and modern-day Jade's... consternation. (The real Vriska is shown in MST3K style, stopping by just to watch this scene and then say "Hah! Classic!")

The two vignettes below are all that are really left of the fic from this point. I never did decide how to end the fic, even in the slightest, though I figured it would involve Karkat and Terezi, two members of the auspistice group along with Tavros, bonding off-camera as she dares him to steal the tape, before a return to the real world where... stuff would happen. Anyways, thanks for reading!

Aradia and Sollux - Matespritship?

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Not a solid vignette, Sollux and Aradia continue to show up in cuts in the raw footage as McClure tries to convince them to kiss, which they have absolutely no interest in doing (they're like, 8-10, remember). Several times I considered making this fic set at an older age, to better facilitate the next vignette, which is why Matespritship has a question mark above: in the older fic, they were to be the initial kismesis couple but just couldn't muster the hate for a stranger.

There's really no point in me reproducing the dialogue for most of this scene, really, since it's just the two of them bonding against the idea of them... bonding. At the end, they are outright holding hands against the idea of them having to act as a couple. McClue gives up and the camera man begins to take things down when we catch the following out of the corner of the lens:

AA: ...
TA: ...
AA: ...my name's Aradia!
TA: Thullux.
AA: [giggles] I like your lithp.
TA: ...why?
[abrupt cut to the next scene]

Nepeta and Gamzee - Replacement Matesprits

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[Nepeta and Equius are seen in Equius' hive. She is seated in a chair wearing a sheet around her neck as he paints clown makeup onto her face. Nepeta looks wide-eyed at the camera and then back to Equius.]

NEPETA: Equius, I don't wanna do this.

EQUIUS [through his teeth]: Quiet, Nepeta. You know this is simply an act. It is like one of your games.

MCCLURE: Of course, one of the most magical relationships is the one you'll have with your matesprit. Why, look here, where this young Troll and her moirail are preparing a surprise for her matesprit involving his personal interests!

NEPETA: Equius, the big Trolls are all staring at me!

PRESENT-DAY NEPETA: Oh, I remember this.

EQUIUS: That is because they are trying to film you. Now stop squirming.

[Nepeta appears in full makeup outside of Equius' hive, though she is facing towards it as though it is supposed to be Gamzee's. Alone, she looks on the brink of tears, trying to look in every direction but the cameras (but unable to stop) and keeps clutching at a tail that is not there.]

MCCLURE [improvising]: It's normal to be nervous on a big date! But remember: [back on script] Your matespritship is the concupiscent relationship where you are perfectly safe! In fact, if you're lucky, your matesprit will care as much about you as you do about them.

[Some set assistant pulls open the door from the inside and Gamzee is revealed, looking as though he is not entirely sure where he is, why he is there or what any of it signifies. He is wearing both his juggalo gettup as well as cat ears, a tail and a set of prosthetic whiskers he keeps scratching at as though he unaware they are there. Nepeta freezes as though caught in headlights, her hand at her mouth in a frozen gasp of surprise and joy.]

MCCLURE: [stage laugh] Of course, sometimes, with someone like that, sometimes it's more important just to be yourself.

[Nepeta looks over to the camera as though asking for him to repeat that, and a smile grows past her hand, that quickly turns mischievous. She turns back to Gamzee and lowers into a pounce. Gamzee suddenly notices her for the first time.]

GAMZEE: WoAh, wHeRe DiD yOu CoM--

[She tackles him into the house to the sound of clattering robot parts.]

EDIT: Yup, I was right. It feels a lot better to have those dead ideas out of my head rather than to let them sit there.

EDIT2: Oh man, Douhneill, you might have been ninja'd but then you ninja'd me with your scraps post. It is the night of the ninja forum. Our lives are all in danger.

[Sushi Database]

So I happened across this piece of fanart:

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(source)

And since I love crabdad art so much, here is a fic.

Father Crab

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"Umm... Are you sure I can eat this?"

For most young trolls, turning four sweeps is a gratifying experience. Custodians generally offer lighter foods before this point, like fruit and small wildlife, but now they would bring home headier portions, filled with nutrients for the youths to develop into proud Alternian soldiers. Some even go as far as to slay musclebeasts for their budding trolls to feast on. But not this lumbering lord of crab shit, evidently. On the kitchen slab, Karkat's lusus had thrown something he couldn't make heads or tails of, literally. It looked like some kind of anemone, with tentacles ruffled in every direction. Its eyes seemed to have been rattled out on the way back, revealing sockets full of sizzling pus. Its synapses were apparantly still shriveling up from post-death dehydration. This is not what Karkat had been expecting.

The luses glanced at him inquisitively. Or at least, he figured it was inquisitively. Coming from a gigantic expressionless crab monster, it could meaning anything from "Suck it up, you miserable little brat" to "I know it's hard, dear, but you really should eat your slimy sea crap". Karkat tended to assume the former.

The lusus lifted a pincer and begun tearing into the creature. A greenish substance began bubbling out of the gash. Is he seriously going to make a mess here? I just cleaned this place. Just as Karkat reached for a handkerchief, a maggot came crawling out of the corpse. Oh god, he thought. Repressing the urge to puke, he contemplated the shithive of maggots that was invariably going to pour out. Thinking it would be best not to flip his shit in front of his custodian, he left the crustacean to sanitize the meal in peace.

Open Pesterlog

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-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddon [TA] --
CG: HEY.
TA: what2 up
CG: JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT I MIGHT SOON BE DEAD DUE TO GROTESQUE CEPHALOPOD POISONING.
TA: haha what
CG: THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, JERKFACE.
TA: relax, ii eat weiird 2hiit all the tiime
CG: BUT YOU LIVE IN THAT APARTMENT HIVE, RIGHT?
CG: I BET YOU GET YOUR FOOD DELIVERED BY DRONES OR SOMETHING
CG: UNLESS YOU LITERALLY EAT YOUR LUSUS'S SHIT
CG: WHICH FRANKLY WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME AT ALL.
TA: kk, 2tfu for a 2econd
TA: there2 nobody out here ii can rely on
TA: ii need to grow my 2hiit out of plant2 iin my room
TA: ii eat liike the2e liitle bag2 of 2iizzliing plant juiice
TA: iit ta2te2 liike ranciid squiid pii22
TA: but you know what
TA: ii got over iit
TA: and a2 for theiir nutriitiional propertiie2, ii feel fiine
TA: 2o there
CG: MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO BESIDES SITTING AT A COMPUTER ALL DAY.
CG: LIKE KEEPING MY TOWERING CRAB DAD IN LINE.
TA: fuck you, how do you thiink ii feel
TA: my lusus ii2 thii2 biig u2ele22 moron
TA: ii have two fiight iit every day for feediing tiime
CG: LET'S SWITCH LUSUS THEN.
CG: MAYBE I WOULDN'T MAKE IT WANT TO DIE OF STARVATION.
TA: youre unbeliievable
TA: fiir2t your blood color, now your lu2u2
TA: 2ome of u2 would kiill to have your crab mon2ter
CG: WELL COME ON THEN, ALTRUISTIC WRIGGLER.
CG: KILL ME AND GIVE MY CUSTODIAN TO THE UNDERPRIVILIDGED.
CG: I'M SURE YOU COULD JUST USE YOUR PSIONIC ABILITIES TO SKULLFUCK ME ACROSS THE INTERNET.
TA: kk, youre my friiend
TA: iim not jealou2, iim happy for you
TA: but not when youre beiing liike thii2
CG: WELL I'M NOT FEELING THE HAPPINESS WHERE I AM.
CG: UNLESS HAPPINESS IS WHEN YOUR CUSTODIAN FEEDS YOU A NEST OF PARASITES DUE TO BEING SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.
CG: OH MAN THAT'S THE BEST EXPRESSION EVER, I'M WRITING THAT DOWN.
TAk you know what, fuck thiis
TA: youre not the only one wiith problem2
TA: iive got shiit two do here, iim not gonna liisten two you whiine all niight long
TA: 2o go grow a bone bulge and 2uck iit up
CG: WAIT
TA: what
CG: DID YOU MEAN THAT
CG: ABOUT ME BEING YOUR FRIEND?
TA: why would ii not mean that
TA: youre 2o melodramatiic 2ometiimes
CG:OKAY, UH, WOW
CG: NOT THAT I'M NOT
TA: deal
GC: DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE STILL FRIENDS?
TA: haha, of cour2e it doe2, 2iilly
TA: and by the way
CG: WHAT.
TA: ju2t eat the 2liimy cephalopod already
CG: ..WILL DO.
-- [TA] ceased trolling [CG] --

Just your luck, Karkat said to himself. Your closest contact whom you've known since wrigglehood has indulged in the troll disease known as friendship. Karkat entertained the idea for a little while, even though returning the gesture would hurt his chances of becoming one of the Threshecutioners. It's not like he'd ever make it anyway. Better to accept these shitty circumstances like the worthless piece of crap you are. His musings were stopped short when a commanding shriek came from below. Dinner time.

Karkat braced himself for the worst as he walked into the kitchen. To his surprise, the room was relatively clean, aside from a small puddle of innards under the slab. His custodian had dried the meal - he didn't want to know how - and while it still looked like shit, it seemed edible. Heck, Mr. Crab even spiced it. Karkat felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He wasted no time taking his seat to bury his face in this disgusting mollusk before his custodian could see him turn red.

Before he could decide wether to awkwardly thank the crustecean for his meal, there it went scurrying off again. Karkat hadn't even finished. What was the deal? Oh shit. It probably went to get something for itself. It hadn't even occured to Karkat that he had the whole meal to himself. Did his lusus go all the way into the sea just to get Karkat this piece of rubbery aquatic crap for dinner? But wait. I'm four sweeps old now. Isn't it time I did something in return? He suddenly felt an enormous pressure to give something back. Maybe his lusus is going to leave him behind? Maybe that's what they do if they don't feel appreciated. Maybe it's gone already?

His room was full of junk, sure, but digging something up and calling it a present wouldn't be enough in his mind. He went back upstairs, grabbed his sickle and went out.

There was a lush forest next to his hive. His custodian took him out there for hunting from time to time, so he probably wouldn't get lost. He also knew there weren't any particularly dangerous animals around, unless they had been hiding from the crab monster. But what was he looking for? All those times they had been hunting food for Karkat. If I were a ginormous menacing lobster, what would I eat? That didn't help him any. Still, he kept going, figuring something would come up that would seem like a good crab snack.

He crossed into one of the darker sections of the woods, chopping at vegetation along the way. He was quite a ways from home now, but no worries, he knew this place inside out. No predictable little red riding grub stuff for sure. Karkat liked the darkness here, like any normal troll would. It put his mind at ease. He chugged in a lungful of fresh forest air and plopped down on the bed of grass. He figured he might as well recuperate a bit while looking around. The buzzing of wildlife added to the athmosphere. They're probably ravenous predators in their own right, he thought. Smaller organisms must be scared shitless of this ambient buzzing.

After a few minutes, he saw something that struck his fancy. Way up in the trees, dangling from a branch was a yellow cocoon. It seemed to look just revolting enough for his custodian to enjoy. If he recalled correctly, it belonged to a dangerous species of flesh-eating bats. It would be nasty if any guardian bats were to show up and catch him stealing that thing, but fuck those bats, he's got a sickle.

After a little bit of mental preparation, he mounted his sickle on his back and began climbing one of the nearby trees. He couldn't quite make out which tree the cocoon was dangling from, but it was such a fucking mess of branches up there so it probably didn't matter. With each heave, he felt more like an experienced hunter. The forest doesn't care what color your blood is. Mess with Vantas and he's gonna slap your shit so hard you'll be bleeding rainbows.

A few more notions of self-indulgance later, Karkat began crawling along the branch directly below the one holding the cocoon. He could just snatch it from there. He made the utmost effort to not look down and reached out. He could easily get a hold of it. It was sticky and waxy, but hey, nothing he hadn't seen earlier the same day. He opted against cutting it loose and tried to yank it off instead. As he pulled at the slimy thing, the branch holding it gave away, revealing a small opening in the thick foilage. A few rays of the harsh Alternian sun hit Karkat square in the face. He let out a yelp and lost his footing on the branch, holding onto the cocoon for dear life. He kept dangling there, helplessly, too harshly blinded to find a something to stand on. After he squirmed around like a wriggler for a few seconds, the cocoon came loose.

Karkat had no idea how bad the fall was going to be. The thought of splitting his head open on a rock made him panic, so he instead focused on the branches that slammed into him from below but were breaking his fall all the same. Just a second or two before impact, he rolled face-down so he wouldn't land on his sickle, just in time to brace against the forest bed that would've given him a deadly concussion. An anguished groan escaped Karkat as he pounded against the ground. He held out his arms above his head for a while after to shield himself from falling branches. None fell on him, luckily.

He had bumped his head pretty hard, but nothing serious. His left knee was badly injured, though. He sat up and let his eyes readjust to the darkness. He didn't see any blood. Fuck, it hurts though. He held back tears with all of his might. Big boys don't cry. He looked around and saw the cocoon a few metres away. At least he would return with his prize. Implying I...nah, it'll be fine. He tried to limp over. It stung badly, but it seemed to work. With the cocoon in hand, he began lethargically making his way out of the forest navel.

Emerging from the darkness, Karkat found the rest of the forest basked in dim sunlight. Goddamnit, the time. He had completely lost track of the night. With all of this faffing about, it had to be long past dawn at this point. How was he going to get back home now? Think, damnit. Useless piece of shit.

Just then, he could multiple high-pitched shrieks emnating from the grove behind him. He insinctively grabbed his sickle with his right hand. He stood still with both hands occupied, looking around frantically for incoming predators. Look at you, you fruity little runt. With your little sickle. You're just a lost little wriggler who wanted to be someone.

Something flew down behind him and delivered a blow to his neck. He swung around and lost his balance due to his sore leg. He fell down backwards, couldn't see what had attacked him, but he could guess. The wound felt like a bite. Was he being poisoned? His head started spinning. He lost sense of his limbs.

Look where your fruity forest rumpus got you. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe his custodian would find his corpse and gobble up what would remain of it. That would be a fittingly ironic end. It was comforting to know that he at least got those damn bats to shit bricks all up in their panties. But he never got to say sorry to his lusus. Say sorry to Sollux. He heard the shrieks again. They were getting louder. Then the last of them rang, louder than the others, almost like a roar, even. Before he could entertain the thought of where it came from, he allowed himself to pass out.

After this, he could vaguely remember bopping up and down to the rythm of menacing footsteps, almost like a golemn's. There was something sharp pressing into his back. He was never conscious long enough to be bothered by this.

-------

Karkat woke up in his recuperacoon, submerged in the comforting slime. Was it all a dream? Did he just go through all of that shit for nothing? He pulled at his leg and let out a yelp of pain, thankfully muffled by the gelatinous substance. No, this shit was real. Or else he did something really messed up in his sleep.

He heaved himself out. His back stung a little when he emerged from the slime. A line of sore skin, seems like. The first thing that caught his eye as he looked around to figure what the hell was going on was a stool placed precariously next to his recuperacoon. On it was a plate bearing the freshly emptied carcass of a predator bat.

How short would you consider a shortfic, actually?

I'm usually not interested in Karkat fics beyond his role as enraged straight man to the others comedic antics, but this was excellent. Kid Karkat's characterization is spot-on and it's interesting to see the way he feels about his lusus.

[Douhneill]

Oh man, Douhneill, you might have been ninja'd but then you ninja'd me with your scraps post. It is the night of the ninja forum. Our lives are all in danger.

Well, so long as Cal doesn't show up again like last time I should be fi

[SkaianRedeemer]

Oh god oh god he's a ninja now too but what if he always was oh god why are Wigmund's fingerprints EVERYWH

[Graven_Image]

Just a very very late response: No, that is not the last chapter of HaRlEyQuIn. It is, however, the last one I'll be doing this week.

[Wigmund]

Good thing Graven, I can't wait to see what happens next with Jade and now Dave in sopor pie dreamland. What will Gamzee think?!

@Wigmund: Oh no, emoticons have invaded your fic! Pesky things. Also, I'm afraid my musical illiteracy is going to hit me up here but I can't place the first song. Shoot.

Thanks for the notice about those damned unwanted emoticons. As for the songs, Sollux is singing Storybook Love from The Princess Bride (of which I can't find the video from the movie) and Karkat was singing yet more Journey.

Oh god oh god he's a ninja now too but what if he always was oh god why are Wigmund's fingerprints EVERYWH

HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO

[Kawa]

No new parts of "Shit, Let's Be Human" or "Population: 12", but I did update the backstory page. Can you imagine Bro as a Sesame Street puppeteer?

[SkaianRedeemer]

Thanks Graven!

Argh, of course it's The Princess Bride. This film resists my every attempt to see more than a few scenes of it. *shakes fist*

[Douhneill]

Oh god oh god he's a ninja now too but what if he always was oh god why are Wigmund's fingerprints EVERYWH

HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO

Damnit Wig! Just because I don't use Homestuck's method of multiple lives and opted for Saves and Continues instead does NOT mean you can abuse that! Dying isn't a fun feeling, you know!

[Bufu]

Man, I just CANNOT keep up with the art/romart/fic threads in here, no matter how hard I try. You guys just absolutely blow my mind with both the sheer AMOUNT of art, written or otherwise, and the level of quality of it on here. Maybe I'm just not used to really active fandoms or something but seriously. Awesome.

but anyway, fics!

more guardian-swapped kids!
Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

[Author]

Double Entendre

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Dave was walking aimlessly around the Void when he passed by Vriska's room, and heard some murmuring behind the door. Being Dave, he refuse!d to not respect her privacy, and put his head to the door.

"Dammit, John, it's so flat! How the hell do you do anything with that!??!?!"
"Oh shut up Vriska, yours are pretty round. It's not like you can do anything with them either!

Dave's usually pursed lips slowly dropped into a shocked expression. No way. John had got some before he, the master of cool, the insidious insurer of irony had?

"Hah, that's a good one John. That's because you don't have the right equipment for it! You have to use a special device!"

Terezi was walking by, and saw Dave. But before she could say anything, he just motioned her over, and she put her head to the door. Her smile dropped into shock as well.

"Please Vriska, you don't have anything like this!"

There was a zip, and more expressions of shock. Eventually, ten trolls and three humans were plastered to a door.

"Dammit Vriska, that's cheating!"
"John, you're using that wrong!"
"Ugh that doesn't look right at all!"
"But it feels good..."

Karkat walked up, eyebrows raised.

"What the hell. Are you all doing?"

There was babbling, ranting about how Vriska and John were getting it on, and then a rant from Dave about how John was a tool, and he was the biggest tool, and if he was any more of a tool, he would be Sir Tool, Tooler of Tools.

Karkat's eyes twitched, and he opened the door. The room was a complete mess, and Vriska and John were both holding captchalogue cards, eyeballing each other.

"Dammit John, that's it! Fashion War, let's go!"

Then they turned, and Karkat raged.

"Gog dammit you two! I told you that you guys aren't allowed to try and see who created the most crap over their journey! NOW CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!"

He stormed out of the room, and all of the others looked accusingly at Dave. Dave merely said,

"Hey, you didn't hear them at the beginning! The zipping... Oh Gog the zipping!"

[Solaris]

Man, I just CANNOT keep up with the art/romart/fic threads in here, no matter how hard I try. You guys just absolutely blow my mind with both the sheer AMOUNT of art, written or otherwise, and the level of quality of it on here. Maybe I'm just not used to really active fandoms or something but seriously. Awesome.

but anyway, fics!

more guardian-swapped kids!
Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

Yesssssssss
I wanted to see more on Jade Strider, yessss.

[Kawa]

Author: I lol'd. Good show, best freaking.

[sebastian]

Man, I just CANNOT keep up with the art/romart/fic threads in here, no matter how hard I try. You guys just absolutely blow my mind with both the sheer AMOUNT of art, written or otherwise, and the level of quality of it on here. Maybe I'm just not used to really active fandoms or something but seriously. Awesome.

but anyway, fics!

more guardian-swapped kids!
Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

Exceeelent!!!
I hope you are going to continue with these.

[Ember]

KanayaKarkat fic, yes! Kanaya dreamily waxing on and on about Rose is adorable, and I love your description of what Kanaya is getting out of this, it's so spot on.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

GA: I Feel Like I Can Be Quite Relaxed Around You
GA: Relaxed In A Sort Of Angry, Anti-Calm Way

[Douhneill]

Man, I just CANNOT keep up with the art/romart/fic threads in here, no matter how hard I try. You guys just absolutely blow my mind with both the sheer AMOUNT of art, written or otherwise, and the level of quality of it on here. Maybe I'm just not used to really active fandoms or something but seriously. Awesome.

but anyway, fics!

more guardian-swapped kids!
Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

Those were great. I gotta go find the other Guardian-swapped stories.

Double Entendre

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Dave was walking aimlessly around the Void when he passed by Vriska's room, and heard some murmuring behind the door. Being Dave, he refuse!d to not respect her privacy, and put his head to the door.

"Dammit, John, it's so flat! How the hell do you do anything with that!??!?!"
"Oh shut up Vriska, yours are pretty round. It's not like you can do anything with them either!

Dave's usually pursed lips slowly dropped into a shocked expression. No way. John had got some before he, the master of cool, the insidious insurer of irony had?

"Hah, that's a good one John. That's because you don't have the right equipment for it! You have to use a special device!"

Terezi was walking by, and saw Dave. But before she could say anything, he just motioned her over, and she put her head to the door. Her smile dropped into shock as well.

"Please Vriska, you don't have anything like this!"

There was a zip, and more expressions of shock. Eventually, ten trolls and three humans were plastered to a door.

"Dammit Vriska, that's cheating!"
"John, you're using that wrong!"
"Ugh that doesn't look right at all!"
"But it feels good..."

Karkat walked up, eyebrows raised.

"What the hell. Are you all doing?"

There was babbling, ranting about how Vriska and John were getting it on, and then a rant from Dave about how John was a tool, and he was the biggest tool, and if he was any more of a tool, he would be Sir Tool, Tooler of Tools.

Karkat's eyes twitched, and he opened the door. The room was a complete mess, and Vriska and John were both holding captchalogue cards, eyeballing each other.

"Dammit John, that's it! Fashion War, let's go!"

Then they turned, and Karkat raged.

"Gog dammit you two! I told you that you guys aren't allowed to try and see who created the most crap over their journey! NOW CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!"

He stormed out of the room, and all of the others looked accusingly at Dave. Dave merely said,

"Hey, you didn't hear them at the beginning! The zipping... Oh Gog the zipping!"

Is it just me or do you think that there is no possible way that the two of them wouldn't have an argument over which of them would have made the most crap over their journeys?

And now to try to imagine their fashion contest...