MSPA fan fiction 2

[Zuki]

Okay well I haven't written in a long time, so please forgive all terribleness, but I got kind of inspired recently, so...

Try to Understand

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FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage
CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT.
CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE.
FCA: i mean
FCA: its not evven that bad
FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point
CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT.
FCA: i knoww i knoww
FCA: its just
FCA: i got a problem
FCA: wwith feferi
FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin
CCG: OK, WELL
CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO
CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU.
CCG banned FCA from responding to memo.

Eridan slumped back into his chair. He’d been trying to get in touch with Karkat for what felt like hours now, but could be more appropriately described as thirty minutes. Finally he’d found a way to talk to him, but all he got out of the attempt was a couple insults, some useless instructions, and a public airing of his own stupidity. Argh. So many feelings and problems. Too many.

He looked around his block one more time, letting his eyes take in all the loot and doomsday devices he’d amassed over the years. For the most part, he didn’t need them anymore. After all, with the meteors raining down and Fef’s lusus letting off the Vast Glub, nearly all the land dwellers were dead now. Only his ten friends left, and he and Fef were the only aristocrats. He was, on some level, aware that he should be happy about this, but he wasn’t. He just felt…empty.

He tore himself away from the flashier treasure he owned and instead looked over at the bookcase. Right on top was a small picture of Eridan and Feferi from one of the few times he’d done so well that she’d been able to take a break from feeding Gl’Bgolyb. She’d swam up to his hive and they’d spent some time together, just hanging out, talking…doing moirail things, he guessed. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d considered letting up on the feeding routine just to look at the picture and decide against it. He couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting Feferi. Maybe that should have told him something about what he really wanted.

He sighed and rubbed his temples. He didn’t want to think about this by himself right now. Karkat knew about this sort of stuff, but Eridan was clueless and he knew it. He’d just demonstrated how stupid he was multiple times in succession, from telling Fef when he knew it was doomed and letting everyone know about it, to distracting Fef when Sollux needed her help…it was all so fucking stupid. Why did he even bother?

Sollux. He felt worse about that than he thought he would. “Good, another dead land dweller,” he’d expected to think. But in reality he’d just felt horrible. Sollux had saved Feferi after all. And besides that…well, they were friends. He guessed. Argh.

Better just to keep going, he decided. Play this game and worry about everything else later. He whistled for his lusus, sadly killed right before he entered the Medium but reborn as his sprite. It floated over, looking quizzically at its young charge.

“Is everything okay?” it asked.

Oh yeah. Sprites can talk.

“Don’t wworry about it,” Eridan said. “Just take me up to the gate, Fef is too busy to build up to it herself.”

With a sea whinny of acknowledgement, his lusus let him climb aboard. Eridan picked up Ahab’s Crosshairs before taking up the reigns and riding his guardian up to the first gate. Letting loose one final sigh (and maybe even a forlorn look back at his abandoned hive), Eridan jumped into his first gate.

-------

This Land was a joke. Of course, Eridan hadn’t expected it to be that difficult, but his powerful weapon and high position on the echeladder let him tear through these enemies. Except for the occasional Gl’Bgolyb-prototyped imp (what had Fef been thinking?) they were almost laughably pathetic. The only challenges were finding the next gate and dealing with his infuriating denizens.

“Friendship is paramount, new friend!” squealed the brightly colored, eight-legged squid-like creature.

“Shut up, shut up, shut the FUCK UP!” screamed Eridan in frustration. The thing had been following him since he entered the gate, babbling on and on about the importance of friendship and asking him to be ‘tangle buddies,’ whatever the fuck that was. He couldn’t take anymore.

Fortunately, he didn’t need to. Right up ahead he finally found his next gate, the place all the stupid puzzles he was supposed to solve sent him. He almost cried out of joy. He swore to fucking gog if he had to be around this…thing one more gogdamn minute he was going to do a magical fucking pirouette off the wand.

“That’s the gate, right?” he asked it, bracing for the barrage of nonsense that was about to occur.

“Yes, new friend! Through there you’ll find the Land of the Witch of Life, and she’ll help you awaken to your true role! It will be an exciting journey, and I am sure you will learn the importance of –“

“Let me guess. Friendship?” Eridan interrupted. “Spare me the fuckin inane bullshit. I am leavvin noww, and if I can help it I’m nevver fuckin comin back.”

Eridan jumped through the gate without letting his denizen reply, eager to be away from them. He regretted it shortly afterwards, however, when he noticed that Feferi had also made it to her gate without building up, and he started falling to the ground below.

“FUUUUUUU-“he screamed, cut short when he slammed into the water in the bowl underneath her gates. He spasmed in pain at first, but soon his aquatic instincts, however little used, took over, and he was swimming near the top of the bowl. Glubbing in relief, he swam down to the bottom of the bowl to get his bearings and figure out where he was.

As soon as he reached the bottom, though, he froze up. He knew where he was, of course. He’d only spent a few days underwater, and most of them had been here. Feferi’s hive. It looked just as he remembered it: a huge, shell-like underwater castle. All the feelings he’d pushed down back when he first entered his gate came rushing back, and he soon found himself involuntarily swimming towards it, and eventually inside.

It didn’t take him long to find Feferi’s block. Despite how huge the castle was, it was mostly filled with wards for all the aquatic life she felt she needed to care for, and had very few actual rooms. Again, it looked almost exactly like he remembered it, full of cages and all the different cuttlefish. Honestly, the cuttlefish were kind of annoying. But he hadn’t really cared then, and he didn’t really care now.

Most of her personal possessions were gone, probably taken with her when she left for Sollux’s Land. But there was one thing left behind. It looked like a diamond-shaped picture frame, lying face down on her desk. Slowly, he picked it up and flipped it over. It was the same picture he had back in his hive. Feferi was smiling her goofy smile, of course, posing enthusiastically for the camera. Eridan, meanwhile, had been his usual sullen self…except for the bits of a smile on the edges of his lips. It had been a good day.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, just staring at the picture. All he knew was that sometime later, Trollian started flashing in front of his eyes on the computer glasses he had alchemized for himself. Snapping out of his stupor, he eagerly checked it, hoping Karkat had finally gotten back to him…but no. It was just Kanaya.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GA: Do You Know Anything About Starting Volcanoes?
CA: wwhat wwhy wwould i knoww anything about that
GA: I Dont Know Im Just Sort Of Drawing A Blank Here Myself
GA: And I Figured Since Youre Always Boiling Over With Anger Maybe You Would Have Some Idea
CA: yeah wwell im not really in that sort of mood anymore
CA: so quit wwastin both of our times
GA: You? Not Angry?
GA: This Must Be Serious
CA: just fuckin leavve me alone kan im in no mood for any fuckin sarcasm
GA: That Was Sincerity
CA: oh right I forgot you dont know anything about bein sarcastic
CA: like some kinda fuckin alien
CA: but wwhatevver either wway I dont wwant to talk
CA: at least not wwith you
GA: I Think I Know What This Might Be About
CA: real fuckin mystery kan i only basically told it to evveryone tryin to talk to kar in that memo
CA: wwho still isnt answwerin by the wway
CA: so noww im sittin here just contemplatin wwhat a fuckin idiot i am for sayin it there and for evver sayin it to her in the first place
CA: wwhat did i think wwas gonna happen
GA: There Was A Good Chance
GA: It Seemed Like You Two Were Practically Made For Each Other
GA: It Just Didn’t Work Out
CA: yeah right shed nevver go for a moronic fuckin asshole like me
CA: i kneww that the wwhole time i just didnt wwant to believve it
CA: anyway wwhy should i talk to you about it wwhat do you knoww about this sort of thing
GA: You Arent The Only One Who Found Their Romantic Aspirations Crushed During This Game
CA: oh
CA: wwell im sorry kan i knoww howw much that fuckin blowws
CA: but i havve to knoww
CA: wwas i right
GA: Yes It Is Who Youre Thinking Of
CA: haha fuckin kneww it
CA: really though sorry
CA: wwhat happened
GA: She Chose The Moment Of My Entering The Medium To Reveal Her Feelings
GA: To Someone Else
CA: ouch
CA: thats evven wworse than mine in a wway
CA: you didnt evven get to tell her
GA: But At Least I Was Spared The Embarrassment Of Rejection
CA: yeah i guess
CA: theyre twwo vvarying flavvors of shit i suppose
GA: Thats A Good Description
GA: I Guess It Just Wasnt Meant To Be
CA: fuckin broken hearts club here huh
CA: just two sad fuckin brinesuckers too stupid for their owwn good
GA: Its Not Sad
GA: If We Dont Talk About This Stuff Itll Drive Us “Shithive Maggots”
GA: At Least According To Our Resident Expert
CA: oh wwhat he can make some fuckin time for you but none for me
CA: thats fuckin bullshit i thought he and I wwere bros
GA: It Was A Far Future Version
GA: I Believe His Time Is At A Premium At Present
CA: wwhatevver
GA: So I Think Im The Best Youre Going To Get
GA: Unless You Can Find Someone Else Willing To Deal With You
CA: i doubt it
CA: and i dont blame them
CA: i dont evven knoww wwhy you put up wwith me
CA: look at me its the end of the fuckin wworld and im wwhinin about my stupid fuckin relationship problems
CA: its fuckin pathetic
GA: Its Not Pathetic
GA: Eridan Clearly This Is Tearing You Up
GA: It Would Be Pathetic Not To Talk About It And Just Bottle Up Your Feelings
GA: And Youd Regret It Later
CA: eh maybe
CA: but still my fuckin priorities are messed up
CA: i got past my second gate but noww im just sittin here in fefs hivve
CA: just kinda thinkin about how fuckin stupid i am
CA: instead of progressin
CA: and its not like im the only one dealin wwith shit here
CA: you got your owwn stuff obvviously
CA: and sol died after savvin fef so thats gotta be hard on a lot of them
GA: Sollux Died?
GA: Oh No
GA: That’s Terrible
CA: yeah i knoww and maybe fef could havve helped him if she hadnt been dealin wwith my ovverwwrought bullshit
CA: its my fault
GA: Dont Be Ridiculous
GA: This Is A Dangerous Game
GA: Its Awful But It Wasnt Your Fault
CA: wwhatevver
CA: the point is im fuckin wworthless
CA: doesnt matter wwhat the hemospectrum says im the lowwest fuckin garbage there is
CA: overemotional sappy trash
GA: Do You Realize The Irony In What Youre Saying
CA: yeah its all just part of wwhy im so relentlessly awwful
GA: Dont Talk Like That
GA: Beating Yourself Up About Feeling Upset Is An Endless Spiral
GA: You Have To Just Accept How You Feel And Try To Deal With It
GA: Torturing Yourself Over It Doesnt Do Anyone Any Good
CA: ehhhh
GA: Eridan Its Hard
GA: Being A Kid And Growing Up
GA: Its Hard
GA: But I Understand
CA: alright wwell
CA: thanks for sayin
CA: talkin has sorta helped
CA: a little
GA: Youre Welcome
GA: You May Be ovveremotional and ovverbearing
GA: But You Are My Friend Eridan
CA: yeah and you might be a fuckin Annoying Meddling Fussyfangs
CA: but youre my friend too kanaya
CA: do you wwant to talk about your thing maybe
GA: No It Has Been Quite Some Time For Me
GA: I Have Had Time To Accept It
GA: Besides I Think You Just Helped Me Get Some Perspective Anyway
CA: youre wwelcome then i guess
CA: i think i should get goin noww
CA: if wwere gonna wwin this game you dirtscrapin little wwrigglers are gonna be needin my help
CA: rest of you dont knoww a fuckin thing about wwinnin a campaign
GA: Lucky We Have You To Show Us How Its Done
CA: fuckin right you are
CA: see you soon kan im gonna bloww through these fuckin gates like its nobodys business
CA: and start up that fuckin volcano myself if you still havvent done it
GA: I Look Forward To Your Arrival
GA: Goodbye
CA: bye
CA: and for wwhat its wworth
CA: youre too good for that fuckin landhag anywway
CA: you deservve better

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: …Thanks

Eridan turned off his computer glasses, his vision switching back to Feferi’s room. He looked back at the picture he was still holding; only this time, it hurt a little less.

He’d wanted to be matesprits. But in the end, he’d liked being moirails too. Maybe he’d be okay with just being friends.

Yeah, he could be okay with that.

He put the picture back down on the desk, just the way he’d found it, and then swam up out of the bowl. He was out of practice, but he managed a perfectly executed STRONGSWIM into a STRONGJUMP and continued through the gates.

-----------

This Land was a fucking pain in the ass. As if all the weird brain shit around wasn’t freaky enough, everything was perpetually on fire. Maybe it was better that Sollux didn’t have to deal with losing the fucking Land lottery, Eridan thought. The enemies were just as easy as before, but navigating this burning miasma of brain matter was disturbing on so many levels.

Still, he had to persevere. Fef wasn’t as experienced as he was at adventuring, and she was probably still stuck in this Land. It didn’t matter what had happened between them: Eridan was determined to stay her friend, and that meant he had to help her.

But he wasn’t expecting what he saw when he finally did catch up. Feferi had been doing a fine job of adventuring so far, it turned out, because she’d already had some help.

Isn’t he supposed to be dead? Eridan thought to himself.

But that confusion as he saw the pair dispatch a group of imps quickly turned to rage when they were successful, and Sollux floated over to Feferi, and she gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek…right after breaking up with Eridan and rejecting him in THE SAME FUCKING CONVERSATION…she just went right over here and…and…

He didn’t even know what he was doing anymore. Eridan gripped Ahab’s Crosshairs hard and made a sort of choking noise. The two noticed, and both turned to see him. Feferi brightened instantly, smiling and waving, but Sollux saw the look on Eridan’s face. His hands went up to his glasses, likely just as a precaution, but Eridan wasn’t thinking straight.

He wasn’t even sure what he was doing anymore. All he knew was that at this moment he hated Sollux. Not the hate he always claimed to have for all land dwellers, and not the sharp hate of a kismesis either. It was just a raw, burning, instantaneous hate that he needed to express right now.

Before he even realized what was happening, Eridan pointed, aimed, and shot.

Oooooh. Is there plans for anymore, a story of the aftermath?

It's great to get a look at underdeveloped characters like Eridan!

[This Is An Odd Name]

Possibly! I was inspired by this rad bit of art by antiqueCipher. Because as totally awesome as it is, I really didn't like the idea of Eridan being Fef's kismesis, or of him not really caring that much about her. He's one of my favorite characters, and I wanted to do something from his perspective to humanize (trollanize?) him a bit.

The original plan was actually to do the battle, but then I decided to show some of the lead-up of him going around the gates too, and then it kept getting longer, and then when I got to the fight I was like "Actually this is a good place to end it." So maybe later I'll do more of what I was planning on at first. I don't know. We'll see.

[catchTwentythree]

Possibly! I was inspired by this rad bit of art by antiqueCipher. Because as totally awesome as it is, I really didn't like the idea of Eridan being Fef's kismesis, or of him not really caring that much about her. He's one of my favorite characters, and I wanted to do something from his perspective to humanize (trollanize?) him a bit.

The original plan was actually to do the battle, but then I decided to show some of the lead-up of him going around the gates too, and then it kept getting longer, and then when I got to the fight I was like "Actually this is a good place to end it." So maybe later I'll do more of what I was planning on at first. I don't know. We'll see.

I for one loved it, and I really think it works with the look on Eridan's face in Feferi's room on Derse after they wake up.

Seriously? This fic, that art thing? These are canon in my head. Nothing will change that, ever. :V

[Foxtrot Alpha]

Okay well I haven't written in a long time, so please forgive all terribleness, but I got kind of inspired recently, so...

Try to Understand

This is pretty neat. Seeing pretty much all of Hivebent from Eridan's perspective isn't something that's been tried before, I don't think. You seem to have a pretty good handle on him. And the conversation with Kanaya is top-rate. I do have one niggling thing though—the small creatures in the lands are consorts, not denizens (which are the giant grist-hoard things in the palaces that you battle after reaching Gate 7).

[Rukafais]

OH BOY OH BOY HAVE YOU GOTTEN SICK OF THIS AU STUFF YET

NOTES ABOUT THIS:
prompts "impending doom", "a hug" and "extrasensory" are set in an alternate universe where the Felt (as human kids) are playing out Sburb (minus Snowman). (Itchy and Doze are brothers, Trace and Fin are twins. )
Pesterchum handles:
morbidPuppeteer - Die/Damian
speedDemon - Itchy/Isaac
dozingSniper - Doze/Daniel
trailTracer - Trace/Travis
vendingFail - Fin/Felix
superLucky - Clover/Claudius

the "there are no words" prompt is set in an intergalactic space warfare AU where the Felt are basically a fleet of hand-picked mercenaries bossed around by Doc Scratch.

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impending doom

-- morbidPuppeteer [MP] began pestering speedDemon [SD] at 14:40 --

MP: You know
MP: There is something that is really bugging me
SD: really??
SD: whats that
MP: When you asked me to install this game,
MP: I wasn't going to assume much
MP: But does this game have anything to do with the fact
MP: That there is a meteor aimed at my house
SD: oh yeah that
SD: we didnt know that either
SD: ...like we do NOW obviously
SD: but not when we started the game
MP: Good to know.

-- morbidPuppeteer [MP] signed off at 14:50 --

SD: did he
SD: did he just ragequit
SD: i think this is a first

there are no words

They were murderers, criminals, and all-around what could be described as 'not very nice people'. They made their career out of killing people in various ways, at best manipulating them, at worst torturing them.

The fleet touched down on a dead world.

Ash - not even sand; what passed for dirt and sand here was just varying shades of grey - swirled around their feet as they walked. Nothing was left here; whatever had wiped this planet of all life and left it as a barren rock floating in the universe until its inevitable death, in the fullness of time, had done its job well.

Anything that was fragile had been utterly destroyed. Occasionally, they stumbled across the wreckage of a machine, or in rare cases blackened, twisted fragments of what might have been people of some sort, once upon a time.

They didn't chatter. It didn't feel right; it was as if they were walking on a grave, the collective grave of how many thousands had lived, thrived and died in the catastrophe that had ended their entire world without a second thought.

It had been an instantaneous cremation. They walked through the bitter, hot ashes of every living thing, now crumbled and burnt into dust.

The group spent the entire mission in silence, and eventually, Crowbar found what they'd been sent to find. He pried it out of the charred skeleton of a mechanical behemoth, and they watched as it rolled free.

It was a cue ball, untouched by whatever had stricken the planet, white and clean as the day it was created. It was a recognisable symbol, it was lifeless, and it was inherently wrong.

They didn't speak it aloud, but they all thought it, and formed a small mental picture of what this planet could have done to incur whatever - or whoever's - wrath had obliterated everything.

However, despite that, they shied away from actual planet-wide destruction; to them, killing an entire planet was unthinkable. There was no point in it; you killed who you wanted to kill, sure, but you also killed everyone and everything else in the process, and that was stupid and dumb.

They still had morals, of a sort. They'd laugh if you pointed it out, or wave it off, but it existed, in a tarnished sort of way.

And the man who led them - the man with the blank face - despite his politeness, the fact that he never, ever got his hands dirty, had none. They recognised this, and didn't dare to openly cross him.

Because if they protested, they might well find themselves just another swirl of hot dust and ash.

a hug

-- vendingFail [VF] began pestering dozingSniper [DS] at 18:04 --

VF: hey man what's up
DS: Oh.
DS: Nothing much.
VF: you ok?
VF: only we heard you got messed up pretty bad
DS: I don't really want to talk about it.
VF: well ok then
VF: if you ever need to talk, though, you can just pester us bro
VF: we don't mind
VF: well I don't
VF: not sure about travis yet

-- vendingFail ceased pestering dozingSniper at 18:09 --

-- vendingFail [VF] began pestering speedDemon [SD] at 18:10 --

VF: hey
VF: isaac
SD: yeah what
SD: kinda busy here right now
VF: no i'm not gonna be long
VF: you know what I think you should do
VF: you should go give your brother a hug
VF: like
VF: right now
SD: why??
VF: he's feeling pretty down I think
SD: he just got out of hospital
SD: thats a pretty good reason to be feeling down
SD: but ok

-- speedDemon switched their status to Away --

-- dozingSniper [DS] began pestering vendingFail [VF] at 18:12 --

DS: Did you just.
DS: Pester my brother and ask him to hug me.
VF: yeah sure why not?
VF: hugs make everything better, right?
VF: at least
VF: that's my experience
DS: Yeah.
DS: Um.
DS: That wasn't really necessary.
VF: well ok
DS: But thanks anyway.

-- dozingSniper ceased pestering vendingFail at 18:17 --

extrasensory

-- superLucky [SL] began pestering trailTracer [TT] at 15:20 --

TT: What do you want
SL: I just wwant to ask a quuestion
TT: Fire away
TT: By the way why are you typing like that
SL: no idea that's wwhat I wwanted to ask
SL: wwell
SL: part of it anywway
SL: is the mediuum suupposed to look this wweird
TT: What do you mean by weird
SL: i mean
SL: is it suupposed to be all colouurfuul and stuuff
TT: Colourful as in really bright
TT: Or colourful in an acid trip sort of way
SL: i think
SL: it might be the latter
SL: also all the letters on my screen are a wweird colouur
SL: im starting to get a headache
TT: How's that medication you're taking working out for you
SL: shuut uup

-- superLucky [SL] signed off at 15:31 --

"What was that about?" Felix leaned over his twin's shoulder, peering intently at the screen. He'd already Alchemised a handsfree device for himself, so he could chat and do other things at the same time; it was currently hovering around his head like an errant gnat. (He'd been multitasking a lot before they'd started the game, actually, but this just made things more convenient).

"Oh, nothing much," Travis said nonchalantly, leaning back. "Boy genius there is having some problems adjusting to the Medium."

Felix scrolled through the relatively short log and snickered.

"You mean he's adjusting a bit too well. Gotta wonder what was in his medication, really."

"Not sure he'd want you to know. I'm not sure I want to know what drugs he's taking."

"Well, whatever they are, he's going to have some fun getting along without them."

They took a moment to hi-five for seemingly no apparent reason before they got down to business. This was no time for games, after all.

[JudgeDeadd]

I like these Rukafais. But then again who doesn't like them Feltsters.

@Isoraqathedh your creation continues to baffle and confuse (in a good way) and mesmerize and fascinate. I'm curious what will hatch of this eventually.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Okay well I haven't written in a long time, so please forgive all terribleness, but I got kind of inspired recently, so...

Try to Understand

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FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage
CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT.
CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE.
FCA: i mean
FCA: its not evven that bad
FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point
CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT.
FCA: i knoww i knoww
FCA: its just
FCA: i got a problem
FCA: wwith feferi
FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin
CCG: OK, WELL
CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO
CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU.
CCG banned FCA from responding to memo.

Eridan slumped back into his chair. He’d been trying to get in touch with Karkat for what felt like hours now, but could be more appropriately described as thirty minutes. Finally he’d found a way to talk to him, but all he got out of the attempt was a couple insults, some useless instructions, and a public airing of his own stupidity. Argh. So many feelings and problems. Too many.

He looked around his block one more time, letting his eyes take in all the loot and doomsday devices he’d amassed over the years. For the most part, he didn’t need them anymore. After all, with the meteors raining down and Fef’s lusus letting off the Vast Glub, nearly all the land dwellers were dead now. Only his ten friends left, and he and Fef were the only aristocrats. He was, on some level, aware that he should be happy about this, but he wasn’t. He just felt…empty.

He tore himself away from the flashier treasure he owned and instead looked over at the bookcase. Right on top was a small picture of Eridan and Feferi from one of the few times he’d done so well that she’d been able to take a break from feeding Gl’Bgolyb. She’d swam up to his hive and they’d spent some time together, just hanging out, talking…doing moirail things, he guessed. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d considered letting up on the feeding routine just to look at the picture and decide against it. He couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting Feferi. Maybe that should have told him something about what he really wanted.

He sighed and rubbed his temples. He didn’t want to think about this by himself right now. Karkat knew about this sort of stuff, but Eridan was clueless and he knew it. He’d just demonstrated how stupid he was multiple times in succession, from telling Fef when he knew it was doomed and letting everyone know about it, to distracting Fef when Sollux needed her help…it was all so fucking stupid. Why did he even bother?

Sollux. He felt worse about that than he thought he would. “Good, another dead land dweller,” he’d expected to think. But in reality he’d just felt horrible. Sollux had saved Feferi after all. And besides that…well, they were friends. He guessed. Argh.

Better just to keep going, he decided. Play this game and worry about everything else later. He whistled for his lusus, sadly killed right before he entered the Medium but reborn as his sprite. It floated over, looking quizzically at its young charge.

“Is everything okay?” it asked.

Oh yeah. Sprites can talk.

“Don’t wworry about it,” Eridan said. “Just take me up to the gate, Fef is too busy to build up to it herself.”

With a sea whinny of acknowledgement, his lusus let him climb aboard. Eridan picked up Ahab’s Crosshairs before taking up the reigns and riding his guardian up to the first gate. Letting loose one final sigh (and maybe even a forlorn look back at his abandoned hive), Eridan jumped into his first gate.

-------

This Land was a joke. Of course, Eridan hadn’t expected it to be that difficult, but his powerful weapon and high position on the echeladder let him tear through these enemies. Except for the occasional Gl’Bgolyb-prototyped imp (what had Fef been thinking?) they were almost laughably pathetic. The only challenges were finding the next gate and dealing with his infuriating denizens.

“Friendship is paramount, new friend!” squealed the brightly colored, eight-legged squid-like creature.

“Shut up, shut up, shut the FUCK UP!” screamed Eridan in frustration. The thing had been following him since he entered the gate, babbling on and on about the importance of friendship and asking him to be ‘tangle buddies,’ whatever the fuck that was. He couldn’t take anymore.

Fortunately, he didn’t need to. Right up ahead he finally found his next gate, the place all the stupid puzzles he was supposed to solve sent him. He almost cried out of joy. He swore to fucking gog if he had to be around this…thing one more gogdamn minute he was going to do a magical fucking pirouette off the wand.

“That’s the gate, right?” he asked it, bracing for the barrage of nonsense that was about to occur.

“Yes, new friend! Through there you’ll find the Land of the Witch of Life, and she’ll help you awaken to your true role! It will be an exciting journey, and I am sure you will learn the importance of –“

“Let me guess. Friendship?” Eridan interrupted. “Spare me the fuckin inane bullshit. I am leavvin noww, and if I can help it I’m nevver fuckin comin back.”

Eridan jumped through the gate without letting his denizen reply, eager to be away from them. He regretted it shortly afterwards, however, when he noticed that Feferi had also made it to her gate without building up, and he started falling to the ground below.

“FUUUUUUU-“he screamed, cut short when he slammed into the water in the bowl underneath her gates. He spasmed in pain at first, but soon his aquatic instincts, however little used, took over, and he was swimming near the top of the bowl. Glubbing in relief, he swam down to the bottom of the bowl to get his bearings and figure out where he was.

As soon as he reached the bottom, though, he froze up. He knew where he was, of course. He’d only spent a few days underwater, and most of them had been here. Feferi’s hive. It looked just as he remembered it: a huge, shell-like underwater castle. All the feelings he’d pushed down back when he first entered his gate came rushing back, and he soon found himself involuntarily swimming towards it, and eventually inside.

It didn’t take him long to find Feferi’s block. Despite how huge the castle was, it was mostly filled with wards for all the aquatic life she felt she needed to care for, and had very few actual rooms. Again, it looked almost exactly like he remembered it, full of cages and all the different cuttlefish. Honestly, the cuttlefish were kind of annoying. But he hadn’t really cared then, and he didn’t really care now.

Most of her personal possessions were gone, probably taken with her when she left for Sollux’s Land. But there was one thing left behind. It looked like a diamond-shaped picture frame, lying face down on her desk. Slowly, he picked it up and flipped it over. It was the same picture he had back in his hive. Feferi was smiling her goofy smile, of course, posing enthusiastically for the camera. Eridan, meanwhile, had been his usual sullen self…except for the bits of a smile on the edges of his lips. It had been a good day.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, just staring at the picture. All he knew was that sometime later, Trollian started flashing in front of his eyes on the computer glasses he had alchemized for himself. Snapping out of his stupor, he eagerly checked it, hoping Karkat had finally gotten back to him…but no. It was just Kanaya.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GA: Do You Know Anything About Starting Volcanoes?
CA: wwhat wwhy wwould i knoww anything about that
GA: I Dont Know Im Just Sort Of Drawing A Blank Here Myself
GA: And I Figured Since Youre Always Boiling Over With Anger Maybe You Would Have Some Idea
CA: yeah wwell im not really in that sort of mood anymore
CA: so quit wwastin both of our times
GA: You? Not Angry?
GA: This Must Be Serious
CA: just fuckin leavve me alone kan im in no mood for any fuckin sarcasm
GA: That Was Sincerity
CA: oh right I forgot you dont know anything about bein sarcastic
CA: like some kinda fuckin alien
CA: but wwhatevver either wway I dont wwant to talk
CA: at least not wwith you
GA: I Think I Know What This Might Be About
CA: real fuckin mystery kan i only basically told it to evveryone tryin to talk to kar in that memo
CA: wwho still isnt answwerin by the wway
CA: so noww im sittin here just contemplatin wwhat a fuckin idiot i am for sayin it there and for evver sayin it to her in the first place
CA: wwhat did i think wwas gonna happen
GA: There Was A Good Chance
GA: It Seemed Like You Two Were Practically Made For Each Other
GA: It Just Didn’t Work Out
CA: yeah right shed nevver go for a moronic fuckin asshole like me
CA: i kneww that the wwhole time i just didnt wwant to believve it
CA: anyway wwhy should i talk to you about it wwhat do you knoww about this sort of thing
GA: You Arent The Only One Who Found Their Romantic Aspirations Crushed During This Game
CA: oh
CA: wwell im sorry kan i knoww howw much that fuckin blowws
CA: but i havve to knoww
CA: wwas i right
GA: Yes It Is Who Youre Thinking Of
CA: haha fuckin kneww it
CA: really though sorry
CA: wwhat happened
GA: She Chose The Moment Of My Entering The Medium To Reveal Her Feelings
GA: To Someone Else
CA: ouch
CA: thats evven wworse than mine in a wway
CA: you didnt evven get to tell her
GA: But At Least I Was Spared The Embarrassment Of Rejection
CA: yeah i guess
CA: theyre twwo vvarying flavvors of shit i suppose
GA: Thats A Good Description
GA: I Guess It Just Wasnt Meant To Be
CA: fuckin broken hearts club here huh
CA: just two sad fuckin brinesuckers too stupid for their owwn good
GA: Its Not Sad
GA: If We Dont Talk About This Stuff Itll Drive Us “Shithive Maggots”
GA: At Least According To Our Resident Expert
CA: oh wwhat he can make some fuckin time for you but none for me
CA: thats fuckin bullshit i thought he and I wwere bros
GA: It Was A Far Future Version
GA: I Believe His Time Is At A Premium At Present
CA: wwhatevver
GA: So I Think Im The Best Youre Going To Get
GA: Unless You Can Find Someone Else Willing To Deal With You
CA: i doubt it
CA: and i dont blame them
CA: i dont evven knoww wwhy you put up wwith me
CA: look at me its the end of the fuckin wworld and im wwhinin about my stupid fuckin relationship problems
CA: its fuckin pathetic
GA: Its Not Pathetic
GA: Eridan Clearly This Is Tearing You Up
GA: It Would Be Pathetic Not To Talk About It And Just Bottle Up Your Feelings
GA: And Youd Regret It Later
CA: eh maybe
CA: but still my fuckin priorities are messed up
CA: i got past my second gate but noww im just sittin here in fefs hivve
CA: just kinda thinkin about how fuckin stupid i am
CA: instead of progressin
CA: and its not like im the only one dealin wwith shit here
CA: you got your owwn stuff obvviously
CA: and sol died after savvin fef so thats gotta be hard on a lot of them
GA: Sollux Died?
GA: Oh No
GA: That’s Terrible
CA: yeah i knoww and maybe fef could havve helped him if she hadnt been dealin wwith my ovverwwrought bullshit
CA: its my fault
GA: Dont Be Ridiculous
GA: This Is A Dangerous Game
GA: Its Awful But It Wasnt Your Fault
CA: wwhatevver
CA: the point is im fuckin wworthless
CA: doesnt matter wwhat the hemospectrum says im the lowwest fuckin garbage there is
CA: overemotional sappy trash
GA: Do You Realize The Irony In What Youre Saying
CA: yeah its all just part of wwhy im so relentlessly awwful
GA: Dont Talk Like That
GA: Beating Yourself Up About Feeling Upset Is An Endless Spiral
GA: You Have To Just Accept How You Feel And Try To Deal With It
GA: Torturing Yourself Over It Doesnt Do Anyone Any Good
CA: ehhhh
GA: Eridan Its Hard
GA: Being A Kid And Growing Up
GA: Its Hard
GA: But I Understand
CA: alright wwell
CA: thanks for sayin
CA: talkin has sorta helped
CA: a little
GA: Youre Welcome
GA: You May Be ovveremotional and ovverbearing
GA: But You Are My Friend Eridan
CA: yeah and you might be a fuckin Annoying Meddling Fussyfangs
CA: but youre my friend too kanaya
CA: do you wwant to talk about your thing maybe
GA: No It Has Been Quite Some Time For Me
GA: I Have Had Time To Accept It
GA: Besides I Think You Just Helped Me Get Some Perspective Anyway
CA: youre wwelcome then i guess
CA: i think i should get goin noww
CA: if wwere gonna wwin this game you dirtscrapin little wwrigglers are gonna be needin my help
CA: rest of you dont knoww a fuckin thing about wwinnin a campaign
GA: Lucky We Have You To Show Us How Its Done
CA: fuckin right you are
CA: see you soon kan im gonna bloww through these fuckin gates like its nobodys business
CA: and start up that fuckin volcano myself if you still havvent done it
GA: I Look Forward To Your Arrival
GA: Goodbye
CA: bye
CA: and for wwhat its wworth
CA: youre too good for that fuckin landhag anywway
CA: you deservve better

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: …Thanks

Eridan turned off his computer glasses, his vision switching back to Feferi’s room. He looked back at the picture he was still holding; only this time, it hurt a little less.

He’d wanted to be matesprits. But in the end, he’d liked being moirails too. Maybe he’d be okay with just being friends.

Yeah, he could be okay with that.

He put the picture back down on the desk, just the way he’d found it, and then swam up out of the bowl. He was out of practice, but he managed a perfectly executed STRONGSWIM into a STRONGJUMP and continued through the gates.

-----------

This Land was a fucking pain in the ass. As if all the weird brain shit around wasn’t freaky enough, everything was perpetually on fire. Maybe it was better that Sollux didn’t have to deal with losing the fucking Land lottery, Eridan thought. The enemies were just as easy as before, but navigating this burning miasma of brain matter was disturbing on so many levels.

Still, he had to persevere. Fef wasn’t as experienced as he was at adventuring, and she was probably still stuck in this Land. It didn’t matter what had happened between them: Eridan was determined to stay her friend, and that meant he had to help her.

But he wasn’t expecting what he saw when he finally did catch up. Feferi had been doing a fine job of adventuring so far, it turned out, because she’d already had some help.

Isn’t he supposed to be dead? Eridan thought to himself.

But that confusion as he saw the pair dispatch a group of imps quickly turned to rage when they were successful, and Sollux floated over to Feferi, and she gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek…right after breaking up with Eridan and rejecting him in THE SAME FUCKING CONVERSATION…she just went right over here and…and…

He didn’t even know what he was doing anymore. Eridan gripped Ahab’s Crosshairs hard and made a sort of choking noise. The two noticed, and both turned to see him. Feferi brightened instantly, smiling and waving, but Sollux saw the look on Eridan’s face. His hands went up to his glasses, likely just as a precaution, but Eridan wasn’t thinking straight.

He wasn’t even sure what he was doing anymore. All he knew was that at this moment he hated Sollux. Not the hate he always claimed to have for all land dwellers, and not the sharp hate of a kismesis either. It was just a raw, burning, instantaneous hate that he needed to express right now.

Before he even realized what was happening, Eridan pointed, aimed, and shot.

Holy crap. You guys. Squidmodeus. No one else seems to recognize so I am going to have to be full of screaming panic for all of us put together.

[Nakkirz]

Ruka, you are awesome. You are officially awesome. ILU
gog damn I need to find some time to work on Felt... STITCH GET OVER HERE AND SAVE NINE FOR ME WILLYA

[EDIT]I drew Candles (and Venti) from Sushi's awesome fic if anyone's interested. >>[/endit]

[Sushi Database]

ahhhhhhh nakkirz so awesome ahhhhhh
I am deeply moved, seriously <G3

Also I really like Try To Understand. there needs to be more eridanfic, he is so cool.

i'm not usually into au but I liked your felt thing too, ruka. And Isora, I continue to be baffled and impressed with 413 Stories. I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm enjoying the ride.

[Isoraqathedh]

413 Stories chapter 1 2 3 4

CHAPTER 5: ALSO KNOWN AS GETTING OUT WITH MINIMAL EFFORT

• Time: 50,000,000,184 k180+760° 108’ 238”
• Place: THE SAME!
• Character Set: Block

It’s 760 degrees. Fifty more and it’s bed-time. After all, 0° = 1080° is dawn and not midnight, so to our human thoughts this clock is a little hard to wrap our heads around.

As he stepped out from the bath (which wasn’t really a bath but a button that says “remove…” He has to make sure that it doesn’t remove too much and thus the time it takes) that letter was the first thing that hits Doroeste’s mind. He has to write it now. But what is this? Oh, look, it’s just a form, not a letter. Unlike most paperwork, this is actually printed on a piece of paper. Others were stored electronically, as arrangements of atoms in a small pocket dimension and of course as p.s. I am away for the next <insert number here> days. But in any case, a form still has to be written, so he goes ahead, grabs an embedding pen (13) and scribbles with his neat yet near-unintelligible handwriting (14):

Form 18:02:03:05 – Long-term Leave
Name: Doroeste Ostajao Pasaru “Aldoren”
Reason for leave: Secondary Job Requirements
Beginning of leave: 50,000,000,184 k181
End of leave: 50,000,000,184 k370
Total time: 189 days 0 degrees
Type of time used above: k-dating (15)
When away, return all messages to: Secretaries 180 – 450.
Refer to (if applicable): Kalšunay document 19.34.80:861,105,180 – leave of Doroeste Ostajao P. “Aldoren”, 50G184k181 to k370.

With that done, it’s now time to send it off. That’s simple; just send it down a chute near the desk-computer and the rest takes care of itself. Reading the address, it sends the envelope down a set of conveyors to the bottom of the street, and then it gets lumped up with those being sent to the same address into a large ball. The ball bounces under the city using launchers to replenished lost kinetic energy like some kind of ridiculously oversized pinball game. Most of the time the launcher reads the ball’s destination and directly sends it off to the destination – those are the express mails. The rest just bounce across the city randomly until it hits the destination receiver or one that’s hard-wired to go to the destination (16) – those are rare and don’t happen much anymore. The receiver accepts the ball and breaks it apart, to be distributed to the intended recipients through conveyor belt. (17) This is called – and I’m not kidding! – “epic mailing”. It’s true. But of course the name was given a couple hundred thousand years ago, so its magnitude of epic is questionable to the modern man. But it’s still very impressive for us.

After a small dinner of a food pill for kicks, Doroeste eats something that looks like mutton, beef stew and broccoli, but the mutton came from Beltanga 58 light-years away (right next door) and the broccoli came from Alosturonde 586 light-years away (down the street). Then it’s washed down with water (that’s the actual H2O by the way and not some odd drink from China 95 billion giga-parsecs away (which is the next country)) and some Coke. Yes, Coke. What?

Then it’s bed time. Entering the soft pre-warmed bed, Doroeste slumped down. The music began to play, the lights began to fade, and the man in the middle slowly drifts away…

----

(13) A regular pen that puts ink into the paper instead of on it. It ensures that nothing can be changed, at least not without an ink remover.
(14) Has something to do with him muddling up his letters, like b and d to some of us.
(15) K-dating defines the degree to be 1/1080 of a day. Its alternative, s-dating, defines the degree to be 1/1080 of the year. K-dating is used for most general purposes, although only down to the nearest 10 seconds or so for most of the time; s-dating is more religiously-based and every unit is used.
(16) Each of these launchers has a list of 5,000 destinations or so out of the 800,000+ streets in Calendia and one more for intercity-and-above mailing. Thus it’s not too bad.
(17) Of course, this isn’t good for fragile stuff, so mail service as we know it is still provided.

----

Ha-ha, I wish I had epic mailing.

The next chapter will be the following day (of course), and there on out there will be a bit of time with just Doroeste. No one else in Calendia matters. At least, for now.

[Valter]

Countless Deception

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Her Majesty sat on her throne with her hands steepled together, carefully regarding the guest kneeling before her. Years spent relentlessly drafting and redrafting plans in search of some path that might lead to victory were all converging on this point. The cogs of fate had well and truly been set into motion, and she could do nothing more now than hope her efforts would bear fruit in the end.

"Your Majesty, I must protest this," the guest spoke out. "Your loss would be too great a blow to our Kingdom."

"In the face of inevitable conquest, conceding ground supplies the only remaining advantage. The final hope for victory lies in patience and planning."

"But- to think of all this being done for one person. Why would we do this for Jack? He-"

"Hush, guest," Her Majesty said sharply, although the faint smile adorning her face took some of the edge off her words. "It is disappointing to think that our ultimate adversary will be a single person rather than an entire kingdom, no? Perhaps even more disappointing to know that overcoming the former will be significantly more challenging than overcoming the latter.

"Regardless, it is too late to turn back now. You were made aware that this might be asked of you when you signed on, yes?" The guest gulped and nodded. "And you are still willing to do all I have asked of you and more, for the sake of your kingdom?" Another nod. "Then I have faith in your success. Go now to the Battlefield. The King will fill you in further.

"Oh, and guest?" The guest paused on his way out of the throne room and looked back, and the Queen smiled once again. "It is a very nice hat."


The Courtyard Droll blushed and made his way out of the palace. He was still deeply ambivalent about his current mission, and having the BLACK QUEEN's full blessings made it that much more tolerable.

'It' being the disposal of Jack Noir.

CD was confident in Derse's superiority over Prospit, and he knew She was destined to triumph in the war of Skaia. He was also certain She could do it with Jack's help, and that's why removing him was... necessary. It was an unsavory business, but Jack was too brutal and careless, too ready to kill his own comrades if it suited his needs or even if the thought of it amused him.

But there was an even deeper reason, running beneath all that. Just as Derse was fated to triumph over Prospit, so too were the SBurb players destined to triumph over Derse. SBurb was too filled with fail-safes to allow their failure. Even death was no significant barrier to them. And while they might not stop the Reckoning soon enough to save Skaia, the bearers of the ring and scepter were still doomed, doomed without even the slightest possibility of survival.

And when the players then turned their ire upon Derse itself... it would be best if Jack were not allowed to make any lasting impression upon the children, else their outrage might carry them to annihilate Derse as they inevitably would Jack himself. The fate of all of Derse rested on CD right now, and only the King and Queen knew it.

He had seen Jack's ascent to power already, watched the King and Queen perish in the prophetic clouds that drifted across Skaia. He had gone to Her Majesty with the information, fully expecting to be executed for bearing such grim news. Instead, she had brought him fully into her confidence, training him in the art of subterfuge. Under her guidance, he became one of Jack's most trusted confidants.

This was all years ago. Today was the turning point, when preparation turned to execution. With the Queen's final instructions and the information he would receive from the King on the Battlefield, CD was finally ready to begin OPERATION: NOIRSURP

No time to spell/grammar-check right now, I'll get it done in a few hours. Probably more to come.

[Graven_Image]

NOIRSURP

OHHH, SNAP.

[Nickie]

WHAT A TWEEST

Also god dammit I was totally working on a fic where BQ and Droll get along and are totally buddies did you read my mind and steal my idea >:V


(jk ilu 33)

[Dio The Vampire]

Okay well I haven't written in a long time, so please forgive all terribleness, but I got kind of inspired recently, so...

Try to Understand

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FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage
CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT.
CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE.
FCA: i mean
FCA: its not evven that bad
FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point
CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT.
FCA: i knoww i knoww
FCA: its just
FCA: i got a problem
FCA: wwith feferi
FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin
CCG: OK, WELL
CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO
CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU.
CCG banned FCA from responding to memo.

Eridan slumped back into his chair. He’d been trying to get in touch with Karkat for what felt like hours now, but could be more appropriately described as thirty minutes. Finally he’d found a way to talk to him, but all he got out of the attempt was a couple insults, some useless instructions, and a public airing of his own stupidity. Argh. So many feelings and problems. Too many.

He looked around his block one more time, letting his eyes take in all the loot and doomsday devices he’d amassed over the years. For the most part, he didn’t need them anymore. After all, with the meteors raining down and Fef’s lusus letting off the Vast Glub, nearly all the land dwellers were dead now. Only his ten friends left, and he and Fef were the only aristocrats. He was, on some level, aware that he should be happy about this, but he wasn’t. He just felt…empty.

He tore himself away from the flashier treasure he owned and instead looked over at the bookcase. Right on top was a small picture of Eridan and Feferi from one of the few times he’d done so well that she’d been able to take a break from feeding Gl’Bgolyb. She’d swam up to his hive and they’d spent some time together, just hanging out, talking…doing moirail things, he guessed. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d considered letting up on the feeding routine just to look at the picture and decide against it. He couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting Feferi. Maybe that should have told him something about what he really wanted.

He sighed and rubbed his temples. He didn’t want to think about this by himself right now. Karkat knew about this sort of stuff, but Eridan was clueless and he knew it. He’d just demonstrated how stupid he was multiple times in succession, from telling Fef when he knew it was doomed and letting everyone know about it, to distracting Fef when Sollux needed her help…it was all so fucking stupid. Why did he even bother?

Sollux. He felt worse about that than he thought he would. “Good, another dead land dweller,” he’d expected to think. But in reality he’d just felt horrible. Sollux had saved Feferi after all. And besides that…well, they were friends. He guessed. Argh.

Better just to keep going, he decided. Play this game and worry about everything else later. He whistled for his lusus, sadly killed right before he entered the Medium but reborn as his sprite. It floated over, looking quizzically at its young charge.

“Is everything okay?” it asked.

Oh yeah. Sprites can talk.

“Don’t wworry about it,” Eridan said. “Just take me up to the gate, Fef is too busy to build up to it herself.”

With a sea whinny of acknowledgement, his lusus let him climb aboard. Eridan picked up Ahab’s Crosshairs before taking up the reigns and riding his guardian up to the first gate. Letting loose one final sigh (and maybe even a forlorn look back at his abandoned hive), Eridan jumped into his first gate.

-------

This Land was a joke. Of course, Eridan hadn’t expected it to be that difficult, but his powerful weapon and high position on the echeladder let him tear through these enemies. Except for the occasional Gl’Bgolyb-prototyped imp (what had Fef been thinking?) they were almost laughably pathetic. The only challenges were finding the next gate and dealing with his infuriating consorts.

“Friendship is paramount, new friend!” squealed the brightly colored, eight-legged squid-like creature.

“Shut up, shut up, shut the FUCK UP!” screamed Eridan in frustration. The thing had been following him since he entered the gate, babbling on and on about the importance of friendship and asking him to be ‘tangle buddies,’ whatever the fuck that was. He couldn’t take anymore.

Fortunately, he didn’t need to. Right up ahead he finally found his next gate, the place all the stupid puzzles he was supposed to solve sent him. He almost cried out of joy. He swore to fucking gog if he had to be around this…thing one more gogdamn minute he was going to do a magical fucking pirouette off the wand.

“That’s the gate, right?” he asked it, bracing for the barrage of nonsense that was about to occur.

“Yes, new friend! Through there you’ll find the Land of the Witch of Life, and she’ll help you awaken to your true role! It will be an exciting journey, and I am sure you will learn the importance of –“

“Let me guess. Friendship?” Eridan interrupted. “Spare me the fuckin inane bullshit. I am leavvin noww, and if I can help it I’m nevver fuckin comin back.”

Eridan jumped through the gate without letting his consort reply, eager to be away from them. He regretted it shortly afterwards, however, when he noticed that Feferi had also made it to her gate without building up, and he started falling to the ground below.

“FUUUUUUU-“he screamed, cut short when he slammed into the water in the bowl underneath her gates. He spasmed in pain at first, but soon his aquatic instincts, however little used, took over, and he was swimming near the top of the bowl. Glubbing in relief, he swam down to the bottom of the bowl to get his bearings and figure out where he was.

As soon as he reached the bottom, though, he froze up. He knew where he was, of course. He’d only spent a few days underwater, and most of them had been here. Feferi’s hive. It looked just as he remembered it: a huge, shell-like underwater castle. All the feelings he’d pushed down back when he first entered his gate came rushing back, and he soon found himself involuntarily swimming towards it, and eventually inside.

It didn’t take him long to find Feferi’s block. Despite how huge the castle was, it was mostly filled with wards for all the aquatic life she felt she needed to care for, and had very few actual rooms. Again, it looked almost exactly like he remembered it, full of cages and all the different cuttlefish. Honestly, the cuttlefish were kind of annoying. But he hadn’t really cared then, and he didn’t really care now.

Most of her personal possessions were gone, probably taken with her when she left for Sollux’s Land. But there was one thing left behind. It looked like a diamond-shaped picture frame, lying face down on her desk. Slowly, he picked it up and flipped it over. It was the same picture he had back in his hive. Feferi was smiling her goofy smile, of course, posing enthusiastically for the camera. Eridan, meanwhile, had been his usual sullen self…except for the bits of a smile on the edges of his lips. It had been a good day.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, just staring at the picture. All he knew was that sometime later, Trollian started flashing in front of his eyes on the computer glasses he had alchemized for himself. Snapping out of his stupor, he eagerly checked it, hoping Karkat had finally gotten back to him…but no. It was just Kanaya.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GA: Do You Know Anything About Starting Volcanoes?
CA: wwhat wwhy wwould i knoww anything about that
GA: I Dont Know Im Just Sort Of Drawing A Blank Here Myself
GA: And I Figured Since Youre Always Boiling Over With Anger Maybe You Would Have Some Idea
CA: yeah wwell im not really in that sort of mood anymore
CA: so quit wwastin both of our times
GA: You? Not Angry?
GA: This Must Be Serious
CA: just fuckin leavve me alone kan im in no mood for any fuckin sarcasm
GA: That Was Sincerity
CA: oh right i forgot you dont know anything about bein sarcastic
CA: like some kinda fuckin alien
CA: but wwhatevver either wway i dont wwant to talk
CA: at least not wwith you
GA: I Think I Know What This Might Be About
CA: real fuckin mystery kan i only basically told it to evveryone tryin to talk to kar in that memo
CA: wwho still isnt answwerin by the wway
CA: so noww im sittin here just contemplatin wwhat a fuckin idiot i am for sayin it there and for evver sayin it to her in the first place
CA: wwhat did i think wwas gonna happen
GA: There Was A Good Chance
GA: It Seemed Like You Two Were Practically Made For Each Other
GA: It Just Didn’t Work Out
CA: yeah right shed nevver go for a moronic fuckin asshole like me
CA: i kneww that the wwhole time i just didnt wwant to believve it
CA: anyway wwhy should i talk to you about it wwhat do you knoww about this sort of thing
GA: You Arent The Only One Who Found Their Romantic Aspirations Crushed During This Game
CA: oh
CA: wwell im sorry kan i knoww howw much that fuckin blowws
CA: but i havve to knoww
CA: wwas i right
GA: Yes It Is Who Youre Thinking Of
CA: haha fuckin kneww it
CA: really though sorry
CA: wwhat happened
GA: She Chose The Moment Of My Entering The Medium To Reveal Her Feelings
GA: To Someone Else
CA: ouch
CA: thats evven wworse than mine in a wway
CA: you didnt evven get to tell her
GA: But At Least I Was Spared The Embarrassment Of Rejection
CA: yeah i guess
CA: theyre twwo vvarying flavvors of shit i suppose
GA: Thats A Good Description
GA: I Guess It Just Wasnt Meant To Be
CA: fuckin broken hearts club here huh
CA: just two sad fuckin brinesuckers too stupid for their owwn good
GA: Its Not Sad
GA: If We Dont Talk About This Stuff Itll Drive Us “Shithive Maggots”
GA: At Least According To Our Resident Expert
CA: oh wwhat he can make some fuckin time for you but none for me
CA: thats fuckin bullshit i thought he and i wwere bros
GA: It Was A Far Future Version
GA: I Believe His Time Is At A Premium At Present
CA: wwhatevver
GA: So I Think Im The Best Youre Going To Get
GA: Unless You Can Find Someone Else Willing To Deal With You
CA: i doubt it
CA: and i dont blame them
CA: i dont evven knoww wwhy you put up wwith me
CA: look at me its the end of the fuckin wworld and im wwhinin about my stupid fuckin relationship problems
CA: its fuckin pathetic
GA: Its Not Pathetic
GA: Eridan Clearly This Is Tearing You Up
GA: It Would Be Pathetic Not To Talk About It And Just Bottle Up Your Feelings
GA: And Youd Regret It Later
CA: eh maybe
CA: but still my fuckin priorities are messed up
CA: i got past my second gate but noww im just sittin here in fefs hivve
CA: just kinda thinkin about how fuckin stupid i am
CA: instead of progressin
CA: and its not like im the only one dealin wwith shit here
CA: you got your owwn stuff obvviously
CA: and sol died after savvin fef so thats gotta be hard on a lot of them
GA: Sollux Died?
GA: Oh No
GA: That’s Terrible
CA: yeah i knoww and maybe fef could havve helped him if she hadnt been dealin wwith my ovverwwrought bullshit
CA: its my fault
GA: Dont Be Ridiculous
GA: This Is A Dangerous Game
GA: Its Awful But It Wasnt Your Fault
CA: wwhatevver
CA: the point is im fuckin wworthless
CA: doesnt matter wwhat the hemospectrum says im the lowwest fuckin garbage there is
CA: overemotional sappy trash
GA: Do You Realize The Irony In What Youre Saying
CA: yeah its all just part of wwhy im so relentlessly awwful
GA: Dont Talk Like That
GA: Beating Yourself Up About Feeling Upset Is An Endless Spiral
GA: You Have To Just Accept How You Feel And Try To Deal With It
GA: Torturing Yourself Over It Doesnt Do Anyone Any Good
CA: ehhhh
GA: Eridan Its Hard
GA: Being A Kid And Growing Up
GA: Its Hard
GA: But I Understand
CA: alright wwell
CA: thanks for sayin
CA: talkin has sorta helped
CA: a little
GA: Youre Welcome
GA: You May Be ovveremotional and ovverbearing
GA: But You Are My Friend Eridan
CA: yeah and you might be a fuckin Annoying Meddling Fussyfangs
CA: but youre my friend too kanaya
CA: do you wwant to talk about your thing maybe
GA: No It Has Been Quite Some Time For Me
GA: I Have Had Time To Accept It
GA: Besides I Think You Just Helped Me Get Some Perspective Anyway
CA: youre wwelcome then i guess
CA: i think i should get goin noww
CA: if wwere gonna wwin this game you dirtscrapin little wwrigglers are gonna be needin my help
CA: rest of you dont knoww a fuckin thing about wwinnin a campaign
GA: Lucky We Have You To Show Us How Its Done
CA: fuckin right you are
CA: see you soon kan im gonna bloww through these fuckin gates like its nobodys business
CA: and start up that fuckin volcano myself if you still havvent done it
GA: I Look Forward To Your Arrival
GA: Goodbye
CA: bye
CA: and for wwhat its wworth
CA: youre too good for that fuckin landhag anywway
CA: you deservve better

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: …Thanks

Eridan turned off his computer glasses, his vision switching back to Feferi’s room. He looked back at the picture he was still holding; only this time, it hurt a little less.

He’d wanted to be matesprits. But in the end, he’d liked being moirails too. Maybe he’d be okay with just being friends.

Yeah, he could be okay with that.

He put the picture back down on the desk, just the way he’d found it, and then swam up out of the bowl. He was out of practice, but he managed a perfectly executed STRONGSWIM into a STRONGJUMP and continued through the gates.

-----------

This Land was a fucking pain in the ass. As if all the weird brain shit around wasn’t freaky enough, everything was perpetually on fire. Maybe it was better that Sollux didn’t have to deal with losing the fucking Land lottery, Eridan thought. The enemies were just as easy as before, but navigating this burning miasma of brain matter was disturbing on so many levels.

Still, he had to persevere. Fef wasn’t as experienced as he was at adventuring, and she was probably still stuck in this Land. It didn’t matter what had happened between them: Eridan was determined to stay her friend, and that meant he had to help her.

But he wasn’t expecting what he saw when he finally did catch up. Feferi had been doing a fine job of adventuring so far, it turned out, because she’d already had some help.

Isn’t he supposed to be dead? Eridan thought to himself.

But that confusion as he saw the pair dispatch a group of imps quickly turned to rage when they were successful, and Sollux floated over to Feferi, and she gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek…right after breaking up with Eridan and rejecting him in THE SAME FUCKING CONVERSATION…she just went right over here and…and…

He didn’t even know what he was doing anymore. Eridan gripped Ahab’s Crosshairs hard and made a sort of choking noise. The two noticed, and both turned to see him. Feferi brightened instantly, smiling and waving, but Sollux saw the look on Eridan’s face. His hands went up to his glasses, likely just as a precaution, but Eridan wasn’t thinking straight.

He wasn’t even sure what he was doing anymore. All he knew was that at this moment he hated Sollux. Not the hate he always claimed to have for all land dwellers, and not the sharp hate of a kismesis either. It was just a raw, burning, instantaneous hate that he needed to express right now.

Before he even realized what was happening, Eridan pointed, aimed, and shot.

I, Dio approve of this fanfiction. It is well written and shows a lot about a character that we have seen so very little of, but I wish to inform the author that he must not make a sequel to this piece of fiction. I, Dio believe that this is a fabulous one-shot of a story and a sequel would detract from this tale.

If you disagree with me then I,Dio will just have to turn into a vampire loyal to me and you wouldn't want that right?

[KarneWarrior]

That depends, would you sparkle? Because if so, then no.

[This Is An Odd Name]

I for one loved it, and I really think it works with the look on Eridan's face in Feferi's room on Derse after they wake up.

Seriously? This fic, that art thing? These are canon in my head. Nothing will change that, ever. :V

Aw, thanks! I didn't write it thinking that antiqueCipher's version of events would necessarily be what happened, but I guess it does work like that.

This is pretty neat. Seeing pretty much all of Hivebent from Eridan's perspective isn't something that's been tried before, I don't think. You seem to have a pretty good handle on him. And the conversation with Kanaya is top-rate. I do have one niggling thing though—the small creatures in the lands are consorts, not denizens (which are the giant grist-hoard things in the palaces that you battle after reaching Gate 7).

OH DUH STUPID STUPID DUMB

I went back and fixed that. Thanks for the catch!

Holy crap. You guys. Squidmodeus. No one else seems to recognize so I am going to have to be full of screaming panic for all of us put together.

Oh shit, I didn't even mean to do that.

I, Dio approve of this fanfiction. It is well written and shows a lot about a character that we have seen so very little of, but I wish to inform the author that he must not make a sequel to this piece of fiction. I, Dio believe that this is a fabulous one-shot of a story and a sequel would detract from this tale.

TOO LATE I ALREADY DID

Try To Understand: Epilogue

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Eridan was alone.

Oh sure, technically he had eleven friends with him here. Well, more like ten. Sollux had been very understanding, thankfully, that had gone over well enough, but Feferi…Fef…he didn’t want to think about that. In reality, though, he was alone. Even if the others had felt like dealing with his problems right now, he didn’t particularly feel like confiding in them. Better to just wallow in his own despair than burden them with his bullshit.

Even when he thought things might finally turn around, when he was about to have his own little corner of a new universe to play around in, that had been taken from him too. Taken from all of them, really. Some of the others were hard at work trying to figure out what caused it, but Eridan wasn’t that interested. More misery and misfortune for him. Who cared why it happened?

Eridan was slumped up against the wall towards the back of the big computer room, just watching all of the others. Sollux was hard at work, of course, tracing the root of this disaster. Even in the face of all this, even when he was the loudest voice saying they were doomed, he still kept working…Eridan guessed he could see what Feferi saw in him. But when she walked in, checked up on Sollux and gently brushed his hair, and then left while pointedly not looking at Eridan…that stung. Even after all this time, it still stung.

Karkat was at another terminal, pounding the keys furiously. Probably working twice as hard and doing half as much as Sollux. Eridan had eventually been able to talk to him during the campaign, not that it had been much help by then. But he had learned one thing, as he was reminded when Terezi suddenly came over, punched Karkat in the back of the head, and giggled incessantly. The two started arguing back and forth, the same strangely adorable way they always did, and Eridan could only sigh. He was happy for his friend, but…

Nothing else in the room was doing much to improve his mood either. Tavros had just gotten new legs, courtesy of Equius, and could finally walk again. The event had served to bring him even closer to his former tormentor, the one who arranged for it to happen in the first place. Even now she was smiling at him as he happily showed off to Gamzee and Nepeta. And Equius and Aradia…no one really knew what was up with them. Even now they were both just silently working, Equius tinkering with robots while Aradia typed away at her terminal. Yet Equius seemed happy enough, and the closest Aradia ever came to expressing emotion was when she was with him.

This is it then, Eridan thought. This is howw I spend the rest of my life. One of the last trolls in the wwhole fucking univverse, moping about sad and isolated. Fitting fucking end, I guess.

Eridan barely even noticed when someone else sat next to him. She didn’t really do anything to make her presence known at first either, just sitting there in silence with him.

“They seem happy,” Kanaya said after a long time, looking over at Vriska heckling Tavros. Old habits die hard, and she still liked making fun of him at every opportunity. But there was a certain warmth to it now, and Tavros didn’t seem as scared anymore.

“Yeah, I guess,” Eridan replied. He had to admit, as much as he hated Vriska, Tavros had proven to be pretty good for her. She was much less of a huge bitch these days. He was more interested in what Kanaya was trying to say, however.

“I don’t think she needs a moirail anymore,” Kanaya continued after a while. “She’s a lot calmer than she used to be.”

Eridan nodded. “Fef said the same thing about me…wwell, she didn’t think I wwas any calmer. She wwas just too fuckin tired of me and didn’t think I posed a threat anymore.”

She glanced at him now, although Eridan still looked straight ahead. “I suppose you proved her wrong.” At that he winced, and she quickly added, “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay,” he sighed. “I deservve it.”

“Still hurts?” she asked.

“Wwhat do you fuckin think?” he snapped, finally turning to look at her. “Thought I finally got a grip on myself and I fuckin bleww it all awway in a heartbeat.” He looked down at the floor now, resignation in his voice. “Too fuckin emotional for my owwn good. Don’t knoww howw the rest of you deal wwith it.”

Kanaya didn’t respond at first. They both just sat there, watching the others and not saying anything for a few minutes. Eventually Kanaya rested her head on Eridan’s shoulder and sighed.

“Fucking broken hearts club, huh?” she said.

Eridan looked at her for a moment, and for the first time in a while his face was a little less gloomy.

“Yeah. That’s us.”

Kanaya smiled, and then looked up towards Eridan, her head still on his shoulder. “You know, I have not heard you mention anything about land dwellers since we started this game. You think maybe you never really-“

“Shut the fuck up Kan,” Eridan interrupted. “Noww’s not the fuckin time.” His old scowl was back on his face, sullen and grumpy. And yet, barely noticeable, the hints of a smile played at the edges of his lips.

Can short stories even have separate epilogues? I don't know. This feels more like one than a part 2 though.

Also, I wrote this for Burdge, because I like writing pesterlogs and it has one of her ships in it (as well as one I'm becoming fond of).

IN WHICH VARIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ARE DISCUSSED IN A PRIVATE FORUM

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grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GA: Can I Ask You A Question
CA: wwhat the fuck do you wwant kan im a little busy here
GA: Really Now
GA: Doing What Exactly
CA: important fuckin shit obvviously
CA: so important
CA: you havve no idea
GA: I See
GA: So Even Though At The Current Moment We Have Essentially All The Time We Could Ever Need
GA: You Find Yourself At Such A Dearth Of The Commodity That You Can Spare None For Me
CA: that sounds about right yeah
GA: Somehow I Find This Hard To Believe
CA: wwell too bad because its true
GA: I Suppose I Will Have To Ask Someone Else Then
CA: yup
GA: Despite The Countless Times I Have Talked Things Out With You
GA: In Less Appropriate Circumstances
GA: For Greater Periods Of Time
GA: And At Greater Personal Cost
CA: alright fuck fine kan i get it
CA: wwhats your fuckin question
GA: Are You Sure
GA: I Do Not Wish To Take Up Your Precious Time
CA: you made your fuckin point just ask the question already
GA: Okay Well
GA: I Dont Know It Seems Like A Silly Thing To Ask Now
CA: jegus fuck kan just fuckin spill it
CA: i knoww you wwouldnt havve bothered me about this if it wwasnt important to you
CA: youre not like me complainin about every fuckin little thing that happens
GA: You Are Right
GA: This Has Been Bothering Me For Some Time Now
CA: wwhat is it then
GA: I Was Just Wondering
GA: If You Think It Would Be Weird
GA: If One Of Us Started Developing Certain Feelings For Someone Else
CA: kan its been like one of kars stupid fuckin movvies so far wwith all the relationships
CA: wwhy the fuck wwould that be wweird
GA: It Is Not The Feelings That Are Odd
GA: It Is The Target
CA: it wwould havve to be a pretty fuckin wweird target
GA: Let Us Say
GA: Hypothetically
GA: That It Is One Of The Humans
CA: those fuckin aliens kar wwants us to troll
CA: are you out of your fuckin mind
GA: This Is What I Was Concerned About
GA: Am I
CA: if youre sayin wwhat it sounds like youre sayin
CA: and it sounds like youre sayin youre startin to get all hot and bothered for one of those wweird fuckin aliens that fucked evverything up for us
CA: then yeah id havve to say you are
GA: But Is It Really So Strange
GA: When You Think About It
GA: I Mean We Made Their Universe
GA: It Follows Then That They Are Similar To Us In Certain Ways
CA: kan thats almost fuckin insultin
CA: comparing us to the fuckin humans
CA: those failures are so much wworse than us they managed to fuck us over too
GA: I Think You Would Like This Human Actually
CA: i doubt it
GA: She Is A Wizard
GA: Who Possesses Wands Of Unbelievably Superb Quality
CA: …okay that is pretty cool
CA: maybe she is okay for a human
CA: but still im not goin all flushed for her
CA: i mean jegus havve some self-respect
GA: Maybe Being Honest About My Feelings Is The Only Way To Respect Myself
CA: i think ivve been a bad influence on you
CA: youre getting all fuckin sappy like me
GA: So Am I To Take It You Do Not Approve Of This Then
CA: wwell fuck kan its a pretty fuckin big bombshell to just drop on me like this
CA: i mean besides wwhat an unbelievvably terrible idea this is for you
CA: id be fuckin mortified to be just one quadrant awway from a fuckin human
GA: What Is That
CA: oh fuck
GA: Are You Saying What I Think You Are
CA: i didnt say a fuckin thing kan
GA: Eridan Are You Admitting To An Illicit Pale Relationship With A Troll Of A Lower Caste
CA: shut the fuck up kan i didnt say anything
GA: What Will The Others Say About This
GA: Think Of The Scandal
CA: no
CA: just
CA: gog damn it
GA: You Know No One Else Can Read This Right
CA: thats no excuse to go around sayin shit
CA: that doesnt really need to be said
GA: I Choose To Believe You Mean That In A Positive Way
CA: wwhatevver
CA: the point is i think youre fuckin crazy if youre actually gettin flushed for a human
GA: Perhaps
GA: But Ruling Out The Possibility Without Even Considering It Is Irrational
CA: i knoww i wwont convvince you so if you wwant to go and embarrass yourself then thats your fuckin business
CA: and i wwont tell anyone else
CA: but let the record showw that i said this wwas a bad fuckin idea
GA: The Record Will Show That
GA: But The Record Will Also Show That I Chose To Follow My Heart
GA: However Foolish That May Be
CA: yeah ivve definitely been a bad influence
CA: turnin into a sappy fuckin brinesucker
CA: but yeah i can respect that
GA: Thank You
GA: I Suppose There Is Something To Be Said About This Troll Disease Called Friendship
CA: dont you fuckin start too
GA: Sorry
GA: I Was Practicing My Sarcasm
CA: fuckin humans been a bad influence too
CA: you havve some unhealthy fuckin relationships kan
GA: I Do Seem Prone To Them Yes
GA: But Anyway Thank You For Listening
CA: wwhatevver
CA: i guess youvve listened to me wwhine enough that i owwed you
GA: I Think I Am Going To Talk To Her Now
GA: Goodbye
CA: bye
CA: and
CA: good luck i guess

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

[Sushi Database]

aw, I liked the epilogue and I really liked the RELATIONSHIPS pesterchum. Kanaya and Eridan: good moirails, best friends.

[Burdge]

Mannnn you already know how I feel about these via a forum of a private variety, so let me say it here in a public one

You sir are an aritsan of words. I guess the best way for me to describe it is, like how an artist can create an entire world from one drawing (fanart includedddd) you can create an entire world from one story (fanfiction also included)

(when I say world... uh I don't mean a corporeal world, I mean an emotional world, if that makes any sense I DON'T KNOW MAN)

[Sushi Database]

The Esoteric Adventures of Zazzerpan the Learned, part twelve

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When she was returned to her cell, Jade was gone. This was expected. Candles had strongly implied that Jade would be held elsewhere until she delivered Snowman's head to him. He had ordered the Sticks out of the room and had explained to her the route she would take to Snowman's interim office. The "Quasiroyal", as Candles as called her, did not stay in the Table. However, she occasionally kept a little office in a place Candles had referred to as "the Gallery of Lost Souls".

Twenty minutes after she arrived, a Baize guard arrived with a tray of food. This barely registered to Rose- she mostly ignored the food they brought, which consisted of cool, tasteless mashed potatoes and watery grits. Anything that didn't need to be chewed and tasted like liquefied Styrofoam, essentially. This time, though, the guard whistled for Rose's attention when he slide the tray through the slot in the door.

"Compliments of the Duke. Good night, Seer."

Rose waited until the guard left, then retrieved the tray from the ledged slot. The food on it just looked like a dark mess of shapes in the dim light, and the fork and spoon were peculiarly shaped. She lifted the tray to her face and inhaled. It smelled... good. Very good. She took a bite and tried to pick out the tastes. Curry. Cream of chicken soup. Broccoli. It appeared to be turkey divan... Rose's personal favorite food. No pizza aficionado, she.

Mom would always make this on my birthdays... She devoured the meal, feeling her strength returning. Even just a little food was enough to make her feel better. And it was a hot meal, too. Once the food was gone, she examined her utensils. As she did, a plastic top of tines popped off the fork. Underneath it: a needlewand.

Rose grinned, and pointed her wands at her cell door.

Alright, Lyn. We're blowing this popsicle stand.

~

The castle was in a panic. Alarms blared in the corridors, flashing a pulsing red light. Occasionally a guard ran by, boggled at Rose (perhaps saying something useless like "you shouldn't be here!") and then kept running. She hadn't even had to blast anyone yet.

"Craven recreants," Rose murmured. "Doesn't anyone want to defend their home?"

Dave's room had disappeared. She suspected it had stopped following her a little after her last sessions with Candles- she hadn't had a chance to check- but that meant, at least, that Lyn was safely out of the way for the time being. It might even be her best shot at smuggling her out of the underverse- she could just pick her up in Derse later. Wherever Lyn was, she wasn't here, and that established her priorities. First: Find Jade. Second: Find Snowman. Third: Open a can of righteous fury on that bitch. Fourth: Return head to Candles, get Mom, and get the hell out of here. She'd probably find Lyn by then.

She received instructions about how to get to the Gallery of Lost Souls, but she'd already diverged from those directions looking for Jade. She was trying to trust her Seer powers, but they weren't really meant for "bigger picture" application. Every time she came to an intersection of corridors she knew which way to turn, but she had no idea how far it was to Jade. She turned a corner and found herself face to face with a very surprised Officer Renault.

"Freeze!" Renault shouted, and for a confused second Rose did freeze. Then the moment passed and her wand flew to her hand. Not fast enough to shoot him before he shot her, but fast enough for them both to hold each other in a mexican stand-off.

"You did this," Renault seethed. "I should have known that you'd be behind all this."

You should've guessed that I'd be behind breaking myself out of jail? Gee, did you work that one out all by yourself or did you have special help? "All of what?"

Just on time, another Baize (clearly not a Sticks, perhaps a clerk of some kind) poked his head around the corner and shouted, "Some wizard is fighting the Duke in the courtyard! All Sticks are requested immediately for back-up!"

Renault and Rose both considered this. "I think... I think that's a fight I need the Duke to win."

"Then lower your wand and I can go help him!"

"You lower your gun and I'll lower my wand."

"I'll lower my gun after you lower your wand!"

"Then I guess neither of us will be lowering anything."

"Grarrrrbluuuuurggghl," said the thing coming down the corridor.

If pressed for a description, Rose would probably settle on a cross between a bear and an octopus. It had tentacles and eyes coming off it all over its body but the general build was that of a quadruped. Its head, however, was shaped like a lozenge lying on its side; short and wide. "Blubbbbbbbbbbb," it said to Rose and Renault, looking for all the world like it was blowing a raspberry.

The Seer and the Sticks made eye contact for less than a second before they turned their weapons on the monstrosity. Renault fired five shots into its skull, leaving holes but no blood. Rose threw blasts of plasma all across the top of its body. The thing stopped moving, made a high-pitched whining sound like a whistling teapot, and its skin (if it could be called that) turned grey. Steam or smoke billowed from its body as it decayed. It smelled... Rose expected something horrible, but in all honestly the thing just smelled like burnt popcorn.

Once the things head fell off and broke down into pieces, Renault and Rose were able to look away. Their weapons were lowered.

"What the fuck was that thing?"

"Squiddles. Consorts of the Furthest Ring."

"S-squiddles? That's what you call them?"

"What would you call them?"

"I don't even- whatever. Fine. Squiddles. Why are they here?"

"Haven't you looked out the window?"

"Window? I haven't seen any windows. This place is like a frickin... dungeon." Rose flipped her wands in her palms, so the business end was pointed at the ground. "I'm trying to find the Witch of Space, actually. Maybe we could help with your squiddle problem. I'm kind of on a secret mission for your Duke right now, though, so..."

"A secret mission for Duke Candles?" Renault scowled. "And you expect me to believe that."

Rose shrugged. "I dunno, dude. Do you?"

"I almost do." The Sticks holstered his gun and pointed down the hall he'd come (where the other Baize clerk had been, until the squiddle had arrived). "You'll find the Witch in Cell 4-1, Block C." And then the Sticks did something unexpected: he raised his hand to his head and saluted Rose. "Lordspeed, Seer of Light."

The Sticks ran to his Duke, and Rose to her friend.

~

The wizard touched down dramatically. He'd had their attention already, but a little extra flair never hurt anyone... certainly not a master of the arcane arts. He'd come to the castle in a swirling, purple rift in the air, and now most of the guards were busy dealing with his squiddle minions. This was precisely the kind of confrontation he'd wanted to avoid, in truth. The risk of attracting the Demon's attention was high, here in the Inner Layer of the Table. But he had hardly had a choice- if Rose Lalonde were to complete her new mission, the universe would have much bigger problems.

"If you all get out of my way in the next five seconds, I may not kill you," he said. "One..."

"What is the meaning of this?" the Duke of the Table quickly walked through the courtyard. "What do you think you're doing in my city?"

"I come for the girl, Rose Lalonde. ...and her mother, if you don't mind. Hand over those humans and I will leave quietly, along with my squiddles."

"I have a counteroffer," Candles said, and he drew Nunya Beeswax, his enchanted flaming cuestick quarterstaff. "Get the fuck out of the city, or I'm going to kill you and feed you to my lusii."

Dr Moon conjured spinning orbs of magical ice in his hands. He smiled cruelly.

"I did ask first."

~

"Jade! You in there?"

The Witch of Space stirred, then rose her head. "Rose?"

"I have regained my wands." She demonstrated by blasting the lock off the door. "I think we need to go. The castle is quickly being overrun by, um, squiddles."

Jade's half-asleep brain tried to parse this. "What?"

"Don't worry about it. I need your help to hold them off, though. Can you fight?"

Jade nodded and picked herself up. "A little bit. Grandad taught me krav maga."

Rose scratched her head. It was rare that she encountered a word that she did not know. "Is that... a kind of shellfish?"

"Um, no, it's a style of martial arts."

"Okay. That works too."

A Baize turned the corner and stared at the girls. Either he was out of the loop in regards to the squiddle invasion or simply a more strict customer on the matter of escaping prisoners, but either way he fired a hail of gunfire at them. Rose was further into the hall, and she jumped out of the way by tackling Jade back into her cell. "Get down!"

The Baize fired a few more rounds at the empty hallway, apparently just in case they had just turned invisible. "Yeah! Surrender, prisoners! Throw down your weapons and WHOA WHAT THE FUAAAAGGGGG GET IT OFF GET IT AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGUGHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh"

Rose and Jade didn't move or speak. Rose gave Jade a look that meant "I'm pretty sure there's a squiddle out there." Jade returned a look that said "What did that look mean?" Both girls nodded and jumped out into the hallway, blasting magic at the beast.

The squiddle took two plasma bursts to the face and swelled up like it was going to explode... then it jumped in the air and shrank into a mouse. The mouse ran around in circles until it fell down and then didn't move.

"Alright. Next stop: Snowman. I think I know the way, so just follow me...Jade?"

Jade took a second to pick up the fallen Baize's assault rifle. "That's better." She threw the Baize's bandoleer over her shoulder. She nodded at Rose. "I'm ready."

The girls charged down the hallway, armed for battle.

~

"Make haste, Scarlaven!" the old chronomancer shouted to his paramour. "I fear we may already be too late."

Dark, ominous clouds rolled across the sky, but even the rumbling thunder could not drown out the sound of latinate chanting, dark, musical whisperings from the world beyond. The air was horribly thin now, and dark forces were beginning to push through. The clock tower and Zazzerpan lay ahead.

"I'll buzz the tower," Scarlaven shouted back to him over the pouring rain. "Be ready to jump!"

"I don't think I can jump," Frigglish admitted. "My knees are finished. Just drop me, Scarlaven. I must make Zazzerpan see reason."

"I could never drop you," Scarlaven said with a mild, sarcastic sweetness, the nuances of which were mostly lost in the commotion of eldritch voices. "Hold tight, we're heading in for a landing!"

The two crashed into the tower, throwing Frigglish through the window and into the central observatory. He looked up in trembling horror and recognition. It was a friendly face, the face of a man who had nurtured and taught Frigglish from a sprightly disciple to High Chronomancer of the Complacency. His were words to cherish. He was a man to treasure. But as Frigglish gazed into those darkened eyes, he saw no trace of the man he had learned from. There was no Zazzerpan left. There was only the Pastry.

"Zaz, you have to stop this!" Frigglish struggled to his feet, grabbing Zazzerpan's robes and beard and shaking him, partly to bring him to his sense but mostly to stabilize his weak, trembling legs. "Now, before it is too late! The Great Dark and Also Rather Old Ones are breaking through the barrier!"

"It is too late, old friend," Zazzerpan gasped, the words escaping from his lips like so much air let out of a balloon. "There is nothing I can do now. I have let a terrible evil into this world."

Frigglish fell back from Zazzerpan in shock. The old man was right, he could sense it now. The Demon had already ripped through the fabric of space and time. He was already here. They had failed.

But perhaps... hope still remained. Even in the face of apocalypse, he could cling to that.

"The hour may be too late now," Frigglish said, the idea coming with slow realization. "But thirty minutes ago, there was still a way to stop the end."

His hands flew to the garish clock around his neck, and with trembling fingers, Frigglish reversed.

~

They came to a balcony, overlooking the courtyard, and Jade grabbed Rose's shoulder. "Rose, wait!"

Rose slowed and took a few steps back. "Are we stopping here? You need to rest?"

"Not tired, but... look!"

Rose looked out over the balcony and saw what Jade had seen. Squiddles and Sticks were immersed in a furious brawl in the courtyard, and the dead were piled high on both sides. The smell of burnt popcorn and the screams of mauled Baize rose through the air. And there, at the center of it were Dr Moon and Duke Candles, matched blow for blow in a deadly magical melee. "That's... the wizard down here, he's the one who sent me here. Still not sure what his motives are in all this, but he wants my mom. Candles needs to win this fight. I think he's sort of my meal ticket."

"Not them!" Jade pointed up at the sky. "Look, Rose! Look up!"

Rose looked up.

"Oh no... oh, god no. Jade, we... we have to get out of here."

Dr Moon had brought back-up. The green smog of the Table skyline had been replaced with the dread form of Shib-Nyugragoth. His million eyes were weeping black tears on the city. The Furthest Ring and the Underverse of the Incipisphere were at war.

"Rose, I don't think Candles can win this fight!" Jade bit her lip and drew her assault rifle. "I think he needs help."

Rose shook her head. "No, we need to get out of here. That thing is bad news, Jade. We need to get to the Gate, to the Gallery of Lost Souls-"

"No, listen to me! That thing can't come here on it's own, Rose! The wizard is holding it here! If Candles takes him down, it'll fade away like a bad dream!"

"You can't know-"

"I do know!" Jade struck a defiant pose. "I don't know how to pronounce that things name but I am the Witch of Space and I know how interplanar magic works!" She paused. "Um, okay, I don't actually know how it works, it's more like I can feel how it works, but-"

"Alright, I get it." Rose sighed. "But I need to get to Snowman, and I don't have time to get involved in this fight. I need to get to her before she evacuates with the rest of the city. I'll just have to do it alone."

"Well dang, we can't have that." The girls whirled around, shocked.

"Dave?"

"Dave!"

"Hi Rose! Hi Jade!"

It was Dave, riding on Jaspers like any knight ever had on his noble steed. He was wearing gear-forged plate armor inscribed not with his usual broken record emblem, but the sigil of Derse, a purple moon. "Hey guys. Sorry we're late. Jaspers and Cal and I kind of got involved in a whole thing. Crocodiles, hijinx. Full story at eleven."

"How?" Rose boggled. "You were frozen in time!"

"Yeah, I unfroze it. Knight of time, natch."

"You unfroze time while you were yourself frozen in time?"

"I didn't say it was easy." Dave tipped his shades to Jade. "Hey, girl. You okay? Sorry I've been taking forever to fix things, it's been pretty crazy."

"Oh, it's fine," Jade said, gushing only a little. Rose rolled her eyes, careful to avert them from the others first.

"We don't have much time!" Jaspers reminded Dave.

"Right, little dude." Dave nodded sagely. "Rose? Could you give us the fast version of what's going on?"

"Okay. A wizard-" she pointed out at the courtyard, "that guy, brought me here, to the afterlife under the authority of an elder god-" she pointed up at the sky, "that guy, so I could retrieve my mother's soul and hand her over to him. But Duke Candles, that guy, he has my mom... and I guess Jade, and maybe Lyn- this girl I met down here- so we're killing this crazy bitch for the right to go home free with everyone we care about. Makes sense?"

"Not really, but I can dig it." Dave patted Jaspers. "Jasp, think you can carry both Rose and I?"

"I carried a wagon! so uh probably, but stay close together."

"I'm going to stay behind," Jade said. "If Candles doesn't survive down there I can't really leave this place anyway."

"Okay, we'll take care of-"

Jade leapt up to Jaspers, gliding with a grace only a spirit could have, and wrapped her hands around her knight's head. She kissed him on his lips and it was a long, good kiss, though it left him feeling strangely chilled. Finally she pulled away and fell towards the windowsill over the courtyard.

"Bring me back," Jade said with a twinkle in her eye, and she jumped into the battle with rifle ready.

Rose gave Dave a look.

"Okay," he said, flustered but grinning. "You heard the lady."

Rose nodded, smiling back. "To Snowman."

~

Jade hit the ground firing round after round into the waves of squiddles. The Baize looked confused at first- this was the Witch of Space, wasn't it? The Witch that had destroyed four city blocks and left countless companies of Felt transformed into harmless rodents? But they were used to rolling with the punches, in this battle if not in all, and they gave her the back-up she needed.

Jade rushed into the fray throwing aside her assault rifle and scooping up two new ones from fallen soldiers who would no longer need them. She shot one squiddle that was about to bite off Candles' arm and joined him in battle, her back to his.

"Witch of Space?"

"Jade. Call me Jade."

"Jade," Candles said. "Thank you for the back-up." The Felt swung his staff, deflecting a volley of iceballs from Dr Moon. "Think you could lead the offensive while I keep him busy?"

"You don't understand what you're doing," the wizard seethed. "If Rose kills that woman, she will unleash something horrible on the universe. And all will be enveloped in darkness."

"Is this true?" Jade asked the Duke.

"Ehhh," Candles said reluctantly, wiggling his hand back and forth.

"All the same, you're the one with the army of monsters and the freaky thing in the sky," Jade said. "If you withdraw, I'm sure the Duke will be willing to negotiate."

"Ehhh," Candles said again.

"There will be no negotiation!" Dr Moon roared, and unleashed a magical onslaught upon the pair.

~

"Are you sure this it?" Dave yelled over the sound of gunfire.

"Yes!" she shouted back. "This is the Gate room to the Gallery of Lost Souls!"

"Okay! It's just that the last two times you said we were at the Gate room, we weren't actually at the Gate room and I almost got shot!"

"Oh, poor baby! I actually have been shot!"

"Well, do you want to get shot again?"

"Not particularly!" Rose looked at the doorway and wondered just what kind of budget the Sticks had to be wasting so many bullets without hitting anything. "But I'm pretty sure this is it!"

"I do sense a Gate on the other side!" Jaspers yelled. "Does that help?"

"You can do that? God dammit, Jaspers! Volunteer these things!"

"Sorry Dave!"

"Please hold your fire!" Rose shouted at the doorway. "We are here on the direct orders of Duke Candles!" She thought for a second, then added "We're also Dersian royalty, if that counts for anything!"

"Screw this," Dave said, pulling something from his sylladex and throwing it through the doorway during the subsequent lull in gunfire. "Fire in the hole!"

There was a loud explosion from the room, and then nothing but a few tortured moans. Rose frowned. "I'd just asked them for a ceasefire. That seemed rather unsporting."

Dave pushed her towards the door. "Guys, go! Enter the Gate, find your Snowman, and bring back her head. Jaspers, you're with Rose."

"Aww," Jaspers said sheepishly. "i was having fun pretending i was a steed."

Rose didn't move. "Are you not coming, Dave?"

"I'll join you, but while we were yapping I heard those guys call for back-up. It's been thumping down the hall for about a minute now. I'll hold them off from entering the Gate." He gave her a cocky "hey, you know me" grin. "Don't worry, I'll join in once the coast is clear. Now, come on, get moving already."

Rose hesitated, but he could handle himself, and they really were out of time. Leaving the Knight behind the hold the breach, the Seer and Noble Steed charged into the room and through the Gate.

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Phew! I'm in the home stretch now. Sorry, no Rose vs Snowman this fight, that'll be next time. But all the plot threads are coming together, and soon everything will make at least some sense. This was fun to write because it had Dave in it, and geez did I forget how much I missed writing Dave. Also, it seems I am continuing the running gag of Jaspers having extensive adventures off-screen.

If you're wondering why Calsprite doesn't show up at all (except for a passing mention), and Dave is so chummy with Jaspers, it's because I completely filled my Cal quota by writing Calsprite Dave as a sympathetic character back in Shenanigans and now I never have to write about Cal again. Yaaaay!

For continuity buffs, the bomb Dave just used was called a Vulcan's Salute and was alchemized by Dave using a cherry bomb and the code used to make Hephaestus. Yes, Dave still has the code lying around, just in case. Because you never really know. Nobody ever really knows.

(Oh man, I would put this at the bottom of the page. weeeaaksaaauuce)

[Solaris]

The Esoteric Adventures of Zazzerpan the Learned, part twelve

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When she was returned to her cell, Jade was gone. This was expected. Candles had strongly implied that Jade would be held elsewhere until she delivered Snowman's head to him. He had ordered the Sticks out of the room and had explained to her the route she would take to Snowman's interim office. The "Quasiroyal", as Candles as called her, did not stay in the Table. However, she occasionally kept a little office in a place Candles had referred to as "the Gallery of Lost Souls".

Twenty minutes after she arrived, a Baize guard arrived with a tray of food. This barely registered to Rose- she mostly ignored the food they brought, which consisted of cool, tasteless mashed potatoes and watery grits. Anything that didn't need to be chewed and tasted like liquefied Styrofoam, essentially. This time, though, the guard whistled for Rose's attention when he slide the tray through the slot in the door.

"Compliments of the Duke. Good night, Seer."

Rose waited until the guard left, then retrieved the tray from the ledged slot. The food on it just looked like a dark mess of shapes in the dim light, and the fork and spoon were peculiarly shaped. She lifted the tray to her face and inhaled. It smelled... good. Very good. She took a bite and tried to pick out the tastes. Curry. Cream of chicken soup. Broccoli. It appeared to be turkey divan... Rose's personal favorite food. No pizza aficionado, she.

Mom would always make this on my birthdays... She devoured the meal, feeling her strength returning. Even just a little food was enough to make her feel better. And it was a hot meal, too. Once the food was gone, she examined her utensils. As she did, a plastic top of tines popped off the fork. Underneath it: a needlewand.

Rose grinned, and pointed her wands at her cell door.

Alright, Lyn. We're blowing this popsicle stand.

~

The castle was in a panic. Alarms blared in the corridors, flashing a pulsing red light. Occasionally a guard ran by, boggled at Rose (perhaps saying something useless like "you shouldn't be here!") and then kept running. She hadn't even had to blast anyone yet.

"Craven recreants," Rose murmured. "Doesn't anyone want to defend their home?"

Dave's room had disappeared. She suspected it had stopped following her a little after her last sessions with Candles- she hadn't had a chance to check- but that meant, at least, that Lyn was safely out of the way for the time being. It might even be her best shot at smuggling her out of the underverse- she could just pick her up in Derse later. Wherever Lyn was, she wasn't here, and that established her priorities. First: Find Jade. Second: Find Snowman. Third: Open a can of righteous fury on that bitch. Fourth: Return head to Candles, get Mom, and get the hell out of here. She'd probably find Lyn by then.

She received instructions about how to get to the Gallery of Lost Souls, but she'd already diverged from those directions looking for Jade. She was trying to trust her Seer powers, but they weren't really meant for "bigger picture" application. Every time she came to an intersection of corridors she knew which way to turn, but she had no idea how far it was to Jade. She turned a corner and found herself face to face with a very surprised Officer Renault.

"Freeze!" Renault shouted, and for a confused second Rose did freeze. Then the moment passed and her wand flew to her hand. Not fast enough to shoot him before he shot her, but fast enough for them both to hold each other in a mexican stand-off.

"You did this," Renault seethed. "I should have known that you'd be behind all this."

You should've guessed that I'd be behind breaking myself out of jail? Gee, did you work that one out all by yourself or did you have special help? "All of what?"

Just on time, another Baize (clearly not a Sticks, perhaps a clerk of some kind) poked his head around the corner and shouted, "Some wizard is fighting the Duke in the courtyard! All Sticks are requested immediately for back-up!"

Renault and Rose both considered this. "I think... I think that's a fight I need the Duke to win."

"Then lower your wand and I can go help him!"

"You lower your gun and I'll lower my wand."

"I'll lower my gun after you lower your wand!"

"Then I guess neither of us will be lowering anything."

"Grarrrrbluuuuurggghl," said the thing coming down the corridor.

If pressed for a description, Rose would probably settle on a cross between a bear and an octopus. It had tentacles and eyes coming off it all over its body but the general build was that of a quadruped. Its head, however, was shaped like a lozenge lying on its side; short and wide. "Blubbbbbbbbbbb," it said to Rose and Renault, looking for all the world like it was blowing a raspberry.

The Seer and the Sticks made eye contact for less than a second before they turned their weapons on the monstrosity. Renault fired five shots into its skull, leaving holes but no blood. Rose threw blasts of plasma all across the top of its body. The thing stopped moving, made a high-pitched whining sound like a whistling teapot, and its skin (if it could be called that) turned grey. Steam or smoke billowed from its body as it decayed. It smelled... Rose expected something horrible, but in all honestly the thing just smelled like burnt popcorn.

Once the things head fell off and broke down into pieces, Renault and Rose were able to look away. Their weapons were lowered.

"What the fuck was that thing?"

"Squiddles. Consorts of the Furthest Ring."

"S-squiddles? That's what you call them?"

"What would you call them?"

"I don't even- whatever. Fine. Squiddles. Why are they here?"

"Haven't you looked out the window?"

"Window? I haven't seen any windows. This place is like a frickin... dungeon." Rose flipped her wands in her palms, so the business end was pointed at the ground. "I'm trying to find the Witch of Space, actually. Maybe we could help with your squiddle problem. I'm kind of on a secret mission for your Duke right now, though, so..."

"A secret mission for Duke Candles?" Renault scowled. "And you expect me to believe that."

Rose shrugged. "I dunno, dude. Do you?"

"I almost do." The Sticks holstered his gun and pointed down the hall he'd come (where the other Baize clerk had been, until the squiddle had arrived). "You'll find the Witch in Cell 4-1, Block C." And then the Sticks did something unexpected: he raised his hand to his head and saluted Rose. "Lordspeed, Seer of Light."

The Sticks ran to his Duke, and Rose to her friend.

~

The wizard touched down dramatically. He'd had their attention already, but a little extra flair never hurt anyone... certainly not a master of the arcane arts. He'd come to the castle in a swirling, purple rift in the air, and now most of the guards were busy dealing with his squiddle minions. This was precisely the kind of confrontation he'd wanted to avoid, in truth. The risk of attracting the Demon's attention was high, here in the Inner Layer of the Table. But he had hardly had a choice- if Rose Lalonde were to complete her new mission, the universe would have much bigger problems.

"If you all get out of my way in the next five seconds, I may not kill you," he said. "One..."

"What is the meaning of this?" the Duke of the Table quickly walked through the courtyard. "What do you think you're doing in my city?"

"I come for the girl, Rose Lalonde. ...and her mother, if you don't mind. Hand over those humans and I will leave quietly, along with my squiddles."

"I have a counteroffer," Candles said, and he drew Nunya Beeswax, his enchanted flaming cuestick quarterstaff. "Get the fuck out of the city, or I'm going to kill you and feed you to my lusii."

Dr Moon conjured spinning orbs of magical ice in his hands. He smiled cruelly.

"I did ask first."

~

"Jade! You in there?"

The Witch of Space stirred, then rose her head. "Rose?"

"I have regained my wands." She demonstrated by blasting the lock off the door. "I think we need to go. The castle is quickly being overrun by, um, squiddles."

Jade's half-asleep brain tried to parse this. "What?"

"Don't worry about it. I need your help to hold them off, though. Can you fight?"

Jade nodded and picked herself up. "A little bit. Grandad taught me krav maga."

Rose scratched her head. It was rare that she encountered a word that she did not know. "Is that... a kind of shellfish?"

"Um, no, it's a style of martial arts."

"Okay. That works too."

A Baize turned the corner and stared at the girls. Either he was out of the loop in regards to the squiddle invasion or simply a more strict customer on the matter of escaping prisoners, but either way he fired a hail of gunfire at them. Rose was further into the hall, and she jumped out of the way by tackling Jade back into her cell. "Get down!"

The Baize fired a few more rounds at the empty hallway, apparently just in case they had just turned invisible. "Yeah! Surrender, prisoners! Throw down your weapons and WHOA WHAT THE FUAAAAGGGGG GET IT OFF GET IT AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGUGHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh"

Rose and Jade didn't move or speak. Rose gave Jade a look that meant "I'm pretty sure there's a squiddle out there." Jade returned a look that said "What did that look mean?" Both girls nodded and jumped out into the hallway, blasting magic at the beast.

The squiddle took two plasma bursts to the face and swelled up like it was going to explode... then it jumped in the air and shrank into a mouse. The mouse ran around in circles until it fell down and then didn't move.

"Alright. Next stop: Snowman. I think I know the way, so just follow me...Jade?"

Jade took a second to pick up the fallen Baize's assault rifle. "That's better." She threw the Baize's bandoleer over her shoulder. She nodded at Rose. "I'm ready."

The girls charged down the hallway, armed for battle.

~

"Make haste, Scarlaven!" the old chronomancer shouted to his paramour. "I fear we may already be too late."

Dark, ominous clouds rolled across the sky, but even the rumbling thunder could not drown out the sound of latinate chanting, dark, musical whisperings from the world beyond. The air was horribly thin now, and dark forces were beginning to push through. The clock tower and Zazzerpan lay ahead.

"I'll buzz the tower," Scarlaven shouted back to him over the pouring rain. "Be ready to jump!"

"I don't think I can jump," Frigglish admitted. "My knees are finished. Just drop me, Scarlaven. I must make Zazzerpan see reason."

"I could never drop you," Scarlaven said with a mild, sarcastic sweetness, the nuances of which were mostly lost in the commotion of eldritch voices. "Hold tight, we're heading in for a landing!"

The two crashed into the tower, throwing Frigglish through the window and into the central observatory. He looked up in trembling horror and recognition. It was a friendly face, the face of a man who had nurtured and taught Frigglish from a sprightly disciple to High Chronomancer of the Complacency. His were words to cherish. He was a man to treasure. But as Frigglish gazed into those darkened eyes, he saw no trace of the man he had learned from. There was no Zazzerpan left. There was only the Pastry.

"Zaz, you have to stop this!" Frigglish struggled to his feet, grabbing Zazzerpan's robes and beard and shaking him, partly to bring him to his sense but mostly to stabilize his weak, trembling legs. "Now, before it is too late! The Great Dark and Also Rather Old Ones are breaking through the barrier!"

"It is too late, old friend," Zazzerpan gasped, the words escaping from his lips like so much air let out of a balloon. "There is nothing I can do now. I have let a terrible evil into this world."

Frigglish fell back from Zazzerpan in shock. The old man was right, he could sense it now. The Demon had already ripped through the fabric of space and time. He was already here. They had failed.

But perhaps... hope still remained. Even in the face of apocalypse, he could cling to that.

"The hour may be too late now," Frigglish said, the idea coming with slow realization. "But thirty minutes ago, there was still a way to stop the end."

His hands flew to the garish clock around his neck, and with trembling fingers, Frigglish reversed.

~

They came to a balcony, overlooking the courtyard, and Jade grabbed Rose's shoulder. "Rose, wait!"

Rose slowed and took a few steps back. "Are we stopping here? You need to rest?"

"Not tired, but... look!"

Rose looked out over the balcony and saw what Jade had seen. Squiddles and Sticks were immersed in a furious brawl in the courtyard, and the dead were piled high on both sides. The smell of burnt popcorn and the screams of mauled Baize rose through the air. And there, at the center of it were Dr Moon and Duke Candles, matched blow for blow in a deadly magical melee. "That's... the wizard down here, he's the one who sent me here. Still not sure what his motives are in all this, but he wants my mom. Candles needs to win this fight. I think he's sort of my meal ticket."

"Not them!" Jade pointed up at the sky. "Look, Rose! Look up!"

Rose looked up.

"Oh no... oh, god no. Jade, we... we have to get out of here."

Dr Moon had brought back-up. The green smog of the Table skyline had been replaced with the dread form of Shib-Nyugragoth. His million eyes were weeping black tears on the city. The Furthest Ring and the Underverse of the Incipisphere were at war.

"Rose, I don't think Candles can win this fight!" Jade bit her lip and drew her assault rifle. "I think he needs help."

Rose shook her head. "No, we need to get out of here. That thing is bad news, Jade. We need to get to the Gate, to the Gallery of Lost Souls-"

"No, listen to me! That thing can't come here on it's own, Rose! The wizard is holding it here! If Candles takes him down, it'll fade away like a bad dream!"

"You can't know-"

"I do know!" Jade struck a defiant pose. "I don't know how to pronounce that things name but I am the Witch of Space and I know how interplanar magic works!" She paused. "Um, okay, I don't actually know how it works, it's more like I can feel how it works, but-"

"Alright, I get it." Rose sighed. "But I need to get to Snowman, and I don't have time to get involved in this fight. I need to get to her before she evacuates with the rest of the city. I'll just have to do it alone."

"Well dang, we can't have that." The girls whirled around, shocked.

"Dave?"

"Dave!"

"Hi Rose! Hi Jade!"

It was Dave, riding on Jaspers like any knight ever had on his noble steed. He was wearing gear-forged plate armor inscribed not with his usual broken record emblem, but the sigil of Derse, a purple moon. "Hey guys. Sorry we're late. Jaspers and Cal and I kind of got involved in a whole thing. Crocodiles, hijinx. Full story at eleven."

"How?" Rose boggled. "You were frozen in time!"

"Yeah, I unfroze it. Knight of time, natch."

"You unfroze time while you were yourself frozen in time?"

"I didn't say it was easy." Dave tipped his shades to Jade. "Hey, girl. You okay? Sorry I've been taking forever to fix things, it's been pretty crazy."

"Oh, it's fine," Jade said, gushing only a little. Rose rolled her eyes, careful to avert them from the others first.

"We don't have much time!" Jaspers reminded Dave.

"Right, little dude." Dave nodded sagely. "Rose? Could you give us the fast version of what's going on?"

"Okay. A wizard-" she pointed out at the courtyard, "that guy, brought me here, to the afterlife under the authority of an elder god-" she pointed up at the sky, "that guy, so I could retrieve my mother's soul and hand her over to him. But Duke Candles, that guy, he has my mom... and I guess Jade, and maybe Lyn- this girl I met down here- so we're killing this crazy bitch for the right to go home free with everyone we care about. Makes sense?"

"Not really, but I can dig it." Dave patted Jaspers. "Jasp, think you can carry both Rose and I?"

"I carried a wagon! so uh probably, but stay close together."

"I'm going to stay behind," Jade said. "If Candles doesn't survive down there I can't really leave this place anyway."

"Okay, we'll take care of-"

Jade leapt up to Jaspers, gliding with a grace only a spirit could have, and wrapped her hands around her knight's head. She kissed him on his lips and it was a long, good kiss, though it left him feeling strangely chilled. Finally she pulled away and fell towards the windowsill over the courtyard.

"Bring me back," Jade said with a twinkle in her eye, and she jumped into the battle with rifle ready.

Rose gave Dave a look.

"Okay," he said, flustered but grinning. "You heard the lady."

Rose nodded, smiling back. "To Snowman."

~

Jade hit the ground firing round after round into the waves of squiddles. The Baize looked confused at first- this was the Witch of Space, wasn't it? The Witch that had destroyed four city blocks and left countless companies of Felt transformed into harmless rodents? But they were used to rolling with the punches, in this battle if not in all, and they gave her the back-up she needed.

Jade rushed into the fray throwing aside her assault rifle and scooping up two new ones from fallen soldiers who would no longer need them. She shot one squiddle that was about to bite off Candles' arm and joined him in battle, her back to his.

"Witch of Space?"

"Jade. Call me Jade."

"Jade," Candles said. "Thank you for the back-up." The Felt swung his staff, deflecting a volley of iceballs from Dr Moon. "Think you could lead the offensive while I keep him busy?"

"You don't understand what you're doing," the wizard seethed. "If Rose kills that woman, she will unleash something horrible on the universe. And all will be enveloped in darkness."

"Is this true?" Jade asked the Duke.

"Ehhh," Candles said reluctantly, wiggling his hand back and forth.

"All the same, you're the one with the army of monsters and the freaky thing in the sky," Jade said. "If you withdraw, I'm sure the Duke will be willing to negotiate."

"Ehhh," Candles said again.

"There will be no negotiation!" Dr Moon roared, and unleashed a magical onslaught upon the pair.

~

"Are you sure this it?" Dave yelled over the sound of gunfire.

"Yes!" she shouted back. "This is the Gate room to the Gallery of Lost Souls!"

"Okay! It's just that the last two times you said we were at the Gate room, we weren't actually at the Gate room and I almost got shot!"

"Oh, poor baby! I actually have been shot!"

"Well, do you want to get shot again?"

"Not particularly!" Rose looked at the doorway and wondered just what kind of budget the Sticks had to be wasting so many bullets without hitting anything. "But I'm pretty sure this is it!"

"I do sense a Gate on the other side!" Jaspers yelled. "Does that help?"

"You can do that? God dammit, Jaspers! Volunteer these things!"

"Sorry Dave!"

"Please hold your fire!" Rose shouted at the doorway. "We are here on the direct orders of Duke Candles!" She thought for a second, then added "We're also Dersian royalty, if that counts for anything!"

"Screw this," Dave said, pulling something from his sylladex and throwing it through the doorway during the subsequent lull in gunfire. "Fire in the hole!"

There was a loud explosion from the room, and then nothing but a few tortured moans. Rose frowned. "I'd just asked them for a ceasefire. That seemed rather unsporting."

Dave pushed her towards the door. "Guys, go! Enter the Gate, find your Snowman, and bring back her head. Jaspers, you're with Rose."

"Aww," Jaspers said sheepishly. "i was having fun pretending i was a steed."

Rose didn't move. "Are you not coming, Dave?"

"I'll join you, but while we were yapping I heard those guys call for back-up. It's been thumping down the hall for about a minute now. I'll hold them off from entering the Gate." He gave her a cocky "hey, you know me" grin. "Don't worry, I'll join in once the coast is clear. Now, come on, get moving already."

Rose hesitated, but he could handle himself, and they really were out of time. Leaving the Knight behind the hold the breach, the Seer and Noble Steed charged into the room and through the Gate.

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Phew! I'm in the home stretch now. Sorry, no Rose vs Snowman this fight, that'll be next time. But all the plot threads are coming together, and soon everything will make at least some sense. This was fun to write because it had Dave in it, and geez did I forget how much I missed writing Dave. Also, it seems I am continuing the running gag of Jaspers having extensive adventures off-screen.

If you're wondering why Calsprite doesn't show up at all (except for a passing mention), and Dave is so chummy with Jaspers, it's because I completely filled my Cal quota by writing Calsprite Dave as a sympathetic character back in Shenanigans and now I never have to write about Cal again. Yaaaay!

For continuity buffs, the bomb Dave just used was called a Vulcan's Salute and was alchemized by Dave using a cherry bomb and the code used to make Hephaestus. Yes, Dave still has the code lying around, just in case. Because you never really know. Nobody ever really knows.

(Oh man, I would put this at the bottom of the page. weeeaaksaaauuce)

SO FUCKING COOOOOOL

[Nakkirz]

SAME AS SOLARIS

[Red Pen]

So epic, Sushi. I was grinning like an idiot when Dave showed up.

[kmsumrall]

Popping just to check on the thread but then felt compelled to comment on Red Pen's current avatar.

Dance.... Dance!
So beautiful
True story, i spelled beautiful wrong and FireFox wanted to correct it as 'bucketful'

[Red Pen]

Tribor's making them for all the trolls in our session. The world is ending and we're gonna go out with a dance party.

[kmsumrall]

Tribor's making them for all the trolls in our session. The world is ending and we're gonna go out with a dance party.

Dance party is the best way to go. Never got around to making a trollself. Or doing RPs. Always wanted to, unsure how to actually go about doing it.

Also, content.

Live the Dream


(Part 1)
(Part 2)
(Part 3)

Part 4

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“So, uh, Separatist guy? What do I need to do?”

“It’s easy, HoB. All ya gotta do is make a great big fuss alright? Make sure all the little mindless cretins are keeping an eye on you. Make a mess of something. Shout at people.”

“But, um, how do I do that?”

Stalwart Separatist placed a hand to his head, trying to not smack the stupid outta the boy in front of him. “Listen you nellie, you just gotta get seen. Moon people are popular, al’ight? Special powers, mystic mumbo gumbo, all that crap. You gotta, whasit, dream it.”

“Dream it?”

“Of course,” said a smooth voice behind him. “You know how do dream, don’t you? Just open your mind and... believe.” John blushed as the pretty Prospitian got closer. “Imagine if you had 20 arms for ripping apart you foes, or to be a giant, crushing others beneath your feet, pool of-”

“Debutante! For chrissake stop freaking out the meatsock! Look kid, just try that flying thing. That girl was always flying around like a goddamn firefly.”

“Jade can fly?”

“If you throw it hard enough. Seriously, get off your ass and into the air.” Separatist started tossing a knife in the air, as if to emphasize that he had a point.

John closed his eyes and concentrated. Ok, what was flying? Being in the air? Anti-gravity? Throwing yourself at the ground and missing? What did the lady say? Believing?

“I believe I can fly...” John muttered to himself. “I believe I can touch the sky...” As he sang softly the boy felt as though a great weight had been lifted from beneath his feet. He grinned at the release of the downward pull and opened his eyes. The ground was getting farther away.

With a laugh the boy zoomed around, making loops and turn and knocking into clouds. “Hey!” he called. “Look at me! I’m flying!” A few people glanced in his direction, becoming engrossed in his antics. Spinning around, John waved to the people, arms flailing from side to side. More people stopped and pointed, encouraging the boy to be more wild.

On a nearby roof the short member of the Magnolia Comrades, Canary Delight, had hidden several firework cannons and the Prince of the Moon scooped a couple up. “Watch! Watch me!” The sky filled with fire flowers of blue and red and green and gold.

After a few minutes of playing around John saw Heretic Bishop give the signal. That was no fun. He was having a lot of fun. With a disappointed look he picked up the biggest cannon for the finale.

Aiming the high into the pie shaped clouds in the sky, John pulled the trigger. That’s when the world blew up.

~

Jade was sitting the garden, nervously picking flowers, waiting for news about her friend. A group of couriers rushing in the castle caught her eye and she started after them, but when she got to the door it was locked tight. The Witch of Space considered simply flying into the White Queen’s chamber when a light hand fell on her shoulder. She turned quickly to apologize and move but the words fell from her lips.

“It feels like a long time, although it hasn't been.”

“Ms. Paint!” Jade shouted, hugging the Prospitian. “I know what you mean! So much has happened!”

“Yes... Many things have happened. We think we know were John is. The Queen asked me to take you to the Moon.”

Jade nodded happily and the pair started to leave. But before they left the garden Jade pointed to three large buildings in the distance. “I don’t remember those. What are they?” The girl leaned in close. “I’ve been forgetting things lately. Don’t tell anyone! I don’t really want them to worry.”

“Of course. The tall red building is the Aviary of Time. The next one is home to the Farseeing Cats of Ulthar. The colorful tent is the Circus of the Jesters in Descent.”

“Wow, cool! What are they for?”

“They are monuments to the players. Come, we should leave.” Walking up to an open spot between two trees, Ms. Paint picked up her brush and starting waving it in the air. Paint stayed up as if touching some invisible canvas. She used browns and greens and a little hint of gold to make a large rectangular shape. Soon details were added and the pair stood in front of an elegant door. With a careful touch Ms. Paint took hold of the doorknob and pulled.

“Shall we go?”

~

“Shitfuck! What went wrong?”

John groggily opened his eyes, seeing white and red flickers blurs all around him.

“I dunno I dunno the explosives were the right amou-”

“Wrong! Debutante, pick up that pink monkey and lets go!”

“Get Bishop-”

“Bishop has the goods, you get the boy!”

John struggled to say he could move himself but passed out as strong hands lifted him up...

~

“Is this the wisest course of action, my Queen?”

“It’s very simply, Devilish Syndic. The Malcontentous Criminals have control over the Prince of the Moon. Today’s attack gave us clear evidence of that. The Princess is very erratic of late and highly emotional. Seeing the Prince fight for something could drive her to his side and make her their accomplice as well. At that point I would have give more... personal attention to the problem. Until the enemy in our midst is dealt with the Witch of Space will need to look somewhere else.”

“Keep her in the dark, then. But what action will you take against the Criminals? They are gaining some amount of power and their words are starting to sway the less loyal masses. Do not forget their newest acquisition...”

“Once the Police have found the hideout of the Malcontentous Criminals they shall be brought to trial.” The queen turned to the large headed Prospitian next to her. “I want you to take personal charge of this, Syndic. I want them... neutralized before they can truly infect the minds of the people.”

“And the boy?”

The White Queen gazed across her domain. “If he is a problem, then fix the issue.”