MSPA fan fiction 2

[Bufu]

Those were great. I gotta go find the other Guardian-swapped stories.

there you go! there's only the one really. And thanks! Glad you liked 'em

@ Ember: Kanaya is totally the swooning sighing type. Glad you enjoyed it
@ sebastian: it's an idea I poke around with now and then, not like a concrete series or anything, but I write anything else on this good enough, I'll be sure to post it, thanks~
@ Solaris: there is pretty much nothing that doesn't amuse me about the idea of Bro-raised Jade. It's just wrong in so many ways.

[Kawa]

Congratulations, Bufu. I now ship Karkat Kanaya.

* adds "Kan using Karkat as a dressup doll" to his Draw This list *

[Shadow of the Lotus]

I'm working on a fic. I guess I'm going to take a break for a moment though, so I thought I'd give everyone a preview of what I have so far.

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A sickening crack and a numbing jolt followed John as he crashed next to Rose's house. Although cushioned by the chalk sand, the force of John's impact was still tremendous. A plume of sand mushroomed around John for a split second before it, John, and the surrounding sand were blown away from Rose's house. The loud noise accompanying John's crash was humbled instantly. The roar of the crimson jet of flame shooting from Rose's second gate deafened John as his ears began to bleed. As would be necessary from this point forward, reference to 'Rose's house' was apt described as 'that crater where it once was.' A slab of concrete once constituting a wall slammed into John as he was blown violently to a nearby island. Debris flew everywhere as the crater formed, water boiling as it attempted to fill in what once was the island with Rose's house. The roar only stopped after Rose's second gate exploded, her whole planet having rumbled from the impact. John lay blooded, unable to hear, and too scared to move. Intense pain quickened John's descent into unconsciousness. John's face was salty as his view faded; the salty air having mixed with tears flowing down his face, creating streaks of raw, pink skin against a backdrop of blood. A last thought floated across John's mind as he tried to grasp what had just happened. “I can't... so dumb...”

While normally it would have been days or weeks before John would have awoken, magic is particularly useful in healing such injuries. John's eyes opened to a dimly lit room. Shelves filled with books surrounded John as he lay on a heap of skirts and dresses; his pillow a salamander plush toy. His glasses were missing and, coupled with adjusting to the dark of the room, John could only make out a vague shape moving in front of him to his right. A vaguely pink outline, sitting, that was busied with reading a book.

“Rest, John” came a voice, delicate in its chill but sweet under its outward tone; more akin to ice cream than to a deathly frostbite. John's head hurt. He tried to lift himself up from his bed but quickly collapsed back at the attempt. The pink figure stirred. “You're hurt still. Rest for now. Magic can only do so much.” What had happened? John could hardly think, a static clung to his mind as he tried to remember. His hand lifted to his forehead, John squinted in pain. The pink figure moved closer; its head inches above John's. John lifted his head slightly and looked up. His mouth agape, John quickly let out a startled yell before his mouth was filled with a scraggly beard. A pink turtle with glasses and a beard stared down at John, letting out a grumbled “prah” before shuffling to a far away corner.

[Sushi Database]

The Note Desperation Plays, part nine (horror and comedy in one)

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"I'm not a hero,
I'm not a savior,
Forget what you know.
I'm just a man whose
Circumstances
Went beyond his control!" -Huey Lewis and the News


Corpsemourn ceremonies were rare in troll societies, but they weren't entirely unheard of. The practice had mainly been established among landdwelling purple-bloods. It wasn't about preserving the body. No one cared about that (and in fact, if the trolls' lusus was still alive it was considered traditional for it to devour the body at the end of the ceremony). It was a formal setting to provide closure for whatever friends or romantic pairs the deceased might have, and provide a forum for which the surviving trolls could decide, civilly, how to distribute the deceased's property. Lower bloods didn't bother with any such formalities. If a troll died, his friends might mourn their passing, but gathering together to honor the loss was considered a little eccentric.

Nepeta had never been to a corpsemourn. For that matter, she had never really known someone who had died. There was Aradia, of course, but she hadn't really been "in" on the group back then. The only loss she had ever had to deal with was Pounce, and Gamzee's absence had left a pain in her heart.

That is to say, it would have left a pain in her heart, were she not stoned out of her mind.

She and Feferi and been granted permission to search Gamzee's room and computer and come back with anything that would tell them how to honor his passing. She already been a little buzzed by the time Feferi had showed up, since she had licked the sopor off instead of showering this morning. But it hadn't been significant. A mild embellishing of the senses, a quickening of her heart beat, a slightly increased fascination with color...

But when Feferi had taken a break to go swimming with Sollux, Nepeta had broken out the big guns. A sopor pie, presumably cooked the day before and left behind in Gamzee's room. No doubt the piehead had intended to eat it when he got home from his bar. Well. It was Nepeta's, now.

She was lying on the floor, wrapped in a blanket she had found in Gamzee's closet, slowly rolling around. She had been working on typing a script for his corpsemourn on his computer when the sopor had come on. For a few minutes she tried to keep working. She ignored the funny ways the shapes on the computer danced around, ignored the way colors seemed to sneak their way off the computer and into the air around her. Finally the blobs of color had danced their way into a shape that, to her at least, resembled Karkat herp derping, and that had been the breaking point. She crawled out of her chair, inching across the floor and giggled until her chest hurt. Gamzee's computer was in animated screensaver mode now (who still used screensavers?) and he had clearly picked it for when he wanted to trip horns. It was like a lava lamp kaleidoscope. It was beautiful. Life was beautiful.

Life was a miracle.

A sound from the desk alerted her. Someone was pestering Feferi's laptop. With her head low and her (fake) tail in the air, she slunk over to the laptop and pounced the keyboard, disrupting the black screensaver and bringing up the message.

grimAuxilliatrix [GA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]
GA: Excuse Me
GA: I Apologize For Interrupting You In The Middle Of Your Planning Phase
GA: But Have You Determined Whether Or Not We Will Need To Wear Face Paint For Gamzee's Corpsemourn
GA: As Much As I Want To Honor Him I Admit To Be Dreading The Eventuality
CC: :33 hEy KaNaYa!!
GA: What
GA: What Is This
CC: :33 It'S nEpEtA! fEfErI lEfT hEr CoMpUtEr HeRe!
GA: No I Figured That Out Immediately
GA: It Was Pretty Obvious
GA: But Why Are You Typing Like That
CC: :33 I dUnNo, It'S jUsT fUn!
CC: :33 DoNt YoU eVeR wAnT tO tRy A dIfFuRReNt TyPiNg QuIrK, tO kEeP tHiNgS iNtErEsTiNg?
GA: I Cant Say That I Do
GA: My Quirk Suits Me And Is Very Easy To Use
GA: I Cant Think Of Anything I Would Have To Gain By Taking On A New One
CC: :33 It'S lIkE...
CC: :33 ThOsE cApItAl LeTtErS aRe BoReD bEcAuSe ThEy AlWaYs HaVe To Go At ThE fRoNt Of ThE lInE! yOu GoTtA lEt ThEm InTeGrAtE, kAnAyA!
CC: :33 CaPiTaL lEtTeRs WaNt To Be Fr33!
GA: Uh
GA: If You Say So
GA: That Looks Like It Would Take Forever To Do Though
GA: I Think My Capital Letters Are Comfortable Assuming Supremacy At The Forefront Of My Word Bunches
GA: That's All The Variety They Need
CC: :33 GuHhHhH, yOuR cApItAlS aRe BoRiNg!
GA: That May Be True
GA: But They Have To Live Their Own Capital Lives
GA: If They Truly Are Discontent They Are Welcome To Join Karkats Capital Letter Rumpus Party At Any Time
CC: :33 HeHeHeHeHeHe!
CC: :33 WhOa!
CC: :33 KaNaYa I jUsT r33LiZeD sOmEtHiNg!
GA: Okay
GA: Is It At Least Tangentially Related To The Topic I Pestered You About
CC: :33 HeHeHe NoT hArDlY!
CC: :33 I jUsT r33LiZeD tHaT iF i OnLy UsE wOrDs ThAt ArE tWo LeTtErS lOnG
CC: :33 We WoUlD hAvE tHe SaMe TyPiNg QuIrK gOiNg On!
GA: I Suppose That Is True
GA: I Think That Might Dramatically Limit Your Vocabulary However
CC: :33 Oh It Is An Uh Of
CC: :33 Oh ShIt
CC: :33 I rAn OuT oF wOrDs ThEre!
CC: :33 I gUeSs I cAnT r33LlY k33P tHaT uP
GA: Apparently Not
CC: :33 DaMn, WoW
CC: :33 TyPiNg QuIrKs ArE hArD
CC: :33 HeY, yOu'Re CoMiNg To ThE cOrPsEmOuRn, RiGhT??
GA: Uh Yes
GA: Of Course
GA: In Fact If You Scroll Up You May Notice That It Was For That Reason That I Had Messaged Feferi
GA: If It Isnt Much Trouble Do You Think You Could Put Her On
CC: :33 WhOa, PuT hEr On WhAt?
GA: What
CC: :33 LiKe PuT hEr On ThE tAbLe?
CC: :33 I dUnNo If I CoUlD dO tHaT
GA: Nepeta
GA: Let Me Talk To Feferi
CC: :33 ShE iSnT hErE!
CC: :33 ShE's GoInG sWiMmInG wItH sOlLuX!
GA: Are You Shitting Me
GA: Did She At Least Complete Her Responsibilities Before Going Off On Her Date
CC: :33 I tOlD hEr It WoUlD bE oKaY!
CC: :33 We WoRkEd On It FoR lIkE tWo HoUrS bEfOrE sHe LeFt AnD iTs PrEtTy MuCh DoNe
GA: Excellent
GA: What Time Will We Be Doing This Then
CC: :33 UmMmMmMm
CC: :33 I dUnNo WhAt TiMe Is It NoW?
GA: As You Will Plainly See If You Check The Time In The Bottom Right Corner Of The Screen
GA: It Is Currently Half Past Noon
CC: :33 OhHhHhHh
CC: :33 WhOa, AlReAdY?
GA: Yes Already
CC: :33 I gOtTa Go, KaNaYa! It'S lUnChTiMe!
GA: Yes But I Need To Know When We Are Having The Ceremony
GA: Nepeta
GA: You Never Answered My Question
cuttlefishCuller [CC] is an idle troll
GA: God Fucking Dammit

~

"Come on, you have to kick your legs!"

"I am kicking my legth, I'm jutht not-" Sollux's head sunk under water for a moment and cut off his sentence. Feferi adjusted her grip on Sollux and he splashed back up above the surface. "Bluh!"

"There, that was good! You moved forward on your own there!"

Sollux hung off the side of the pool, coughing. "FF that wathnt thwimming, that wath me in my death throeth. Drowning ith not the thame ath thwimming."

Feferi treaded water next to him, showing off by not touching the side of the pool. "Sollux, come on. You can do this!"

"Thee you keep thaying that, but I'm pretty thure it doethnt count ath thwimming unleth you can move yourthelf around without a girl holding you up."

"Are you embarassed that you need a girl's help? I can leave, if that would massage your ego." Feferi's expression was serious, but Sollux had gotten to know her well enough to see the twinkle in her eyes. She was just teasing him.

"Dont give me that carp, I'm not going to thwim without you."

"Oh, so you're only doing this to make you happy, right."

"Duhh," Sollux said, sticking his tongue out. "But whatever maketh you happy maketh me happy."

She swam over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "That's my codependent little gourami. Now let go of the wall."

"No friggin way."

"Do you trust me?"

He almost snapped back with a snarky "hell no", but then he looked into her eyes and saw they were staring right back into his. She had returned to his room after she'd been working with Nepeta for a few hours, and she'd brought him a custom alchemized pair of bathing shirts (covered in cartoonish bees) and goggles (created with the code for his shades). She was so --EXCIT--ED, how could he let her down? So he'd came. His headache had been gone by that point anyway, alleviated by more spoonfuls of mind honey than he'd like to admit even to himself.

Sollux had to admit that he had first bonded with Feferi simply because she was a cute girl who liked him. Did that make him shallow? He thought it might, a little bit. And for all his claiming to not give a shit about the hemospectrum, he kind of liked how her blood made the other guys act. Particularly Equius would've probably given his good horn to switch places with Sollux, even though he was already happily quadrant-locked with Aradia. It was the b100-b100d prerogative. Even trolls with no romantic designs for the princess could not deny an attraction. And of course, Eridan...

Sollux felt a little guilty about Eridan, actually.

But that had been part of what had drawn him to her, sure. In the beginning. Who turns down a princess, when she kisses you back to life? But in their adventures the pair had grown into more than that. He would do anything for her, if she asked him to. Yes. Yes, he trusted her.

"Yeah," he said, and let go of the wall.

She caught him in her arms immediately, holding him close up against her. "Good koi. Now," she said, their faces so close that Sollux's breathing was fogging up her goggles a little. "Look down. At my legs."

He glanced down, trying not to be too obvious looking down the top of her swimming suit. "Okay."

"See how I'm moving them? Sort of like... kicking in circles."

"Yeah, thort of like..." he started treading water along with her.

"Glub glub now you're getting it!"

"Hey, I am," he grinned. "Thith ith pretty cool."

She broke away from him and swam back a few feet. To his credit, Sollux didn't sink, though he did have to tread a little harder to keep up on his own. "So, Sollux... did you like treading water with me?"

His cheeks turned a pale yellow. "Yeah. Of courthe I did."

"And..." She was using her breathy voice and was biting lightly on her ring finger. Dammit, he had no defense. "...Would you like to do it... some more?"

Now he looked about the color of honey. "You alwayth teathe me tho relentlethly."

"Is that a yes?"

"Dammit, yeth it'th a yeth, come on."

"Well, in that case..." her eyes flashed mischievously behind her goggles. "You're going to have to catch me! Glub!" She splashed him and dove underwater.

A pun occurred to Sollux using the word "breaststroke", but he thought better of it. He lowered his goggles over his eyes.



~

MEANWHILE, DAYS IN THE PAST...

digitalVigilence [DV] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

DV: hey
DV: whos the boss of this place
CT: D --> E%cuse me?
DV: whos in charge
DV: the head honcho, the big guy, the guy you talk to when you need to discuss business
DV: i dont have time to dick around with underlings
CT: D --> Why w001d you need to speak with our leader
DV: man im not going to tell that to some nobody intern or whatever you are i have serious matters to discuss
CT: D --> A leader does not have time to be bothered with nonsense. If you c001d elaborate on what business you have, perhaps he may consider it worth his time.
DV: no thats not how this goes down
DV: this shit is so top fucking secret that if anyone were to look at it without having proper security clearance the information could very well drive their minds into the depths of dementia and fry their eyeballs right out of their sockets
DV: you dont want to burn yourself on this hot plate small fry
DV: direct me to the man of the household
CT: D --> Such insolence is abso100tely intolerable. I will not stand for it.
DV: what are you going to do about it little man
CT: D --> You will show the proper deference to a noble of my stature and withdraw your statements immediately.
CT: D --> I am the strongest of all here, and my authority will be recognized.
CT: D --> I am the head honcho.
DV: haha yeah right
CT: D --> You do not believe it?
DV: dude look
DV: there is no way you are up to the challenges of this assignment
DV: if you really are the leader then im pretty sure your entire remaining race couldnt accomplish this challenge anyway
DV: i'll just find some other timeline where the leader isnt so weak
CT: D --> I am not weak
DV: oh yeah
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yes
DV: pffft
DV: bet i could kick your ass
CT: D --> Is that what you think
CT: D --> I'm pretty sure your assessment is incorrect
CT: D --> Though I try to maintain a front of modesty I am a being of almost supernatural strength and my righteous ascension to the highest rung of the echeladder has endowed me with nigh-insurpassable combat prowess.
DV: what echeladders you still use that baby stuff
CT: D --> What
DV: man i finished my echeladder when i was in kindergarten
DV: it was friggin easy i cant believe you havent moved on yet
CT: D --> What are you talking about
CT: D --> What new level of strength are you claiming awaits one beyond the echeladder
DV: dude you have to max out your dangersphere
CT: D --> What
DV: your dangersphere collects event points through your daily rigors and trials of life
CT: D --> I see
CT: D --> Is this sphere some kind of intangible abstra%ion
DV: its as abstract as shit listen
DV: once you max out your dangersphere with event points you can challenge the lord of ladders to a shadow duel
DV: he is bound by the laws of muscle magic to accept this challenge
DV: now the lord of ladders is pretty sick, i recommend you go for the middle rungs and try to kick him in half
DV: You know how to activate your specials right
CT: D --> Why w001dn't I know such a simple thing
DV: well i dont know your movelist but ive found down right b usually kicks him down the middle
DV: once he's dead you will have to harvest the wood from his rungs
DV: and build a big bonfire and dance around chanting the seven mantras of the fist god
CT: D --> Will this entire process be necessary every time I want to level up
DV: uh yeah
DV: and then the fist god comes down from the sky and bropounds your raised fist and the jolt of electricity from his god powers should activate your reward hamper, from which you can then collect your attribute tokens
CT: D --> How do I use these attribute tokens
DV: thats so obvious it need not even be discussed
CT: D --> I think
CT: D --> This is some kind of ill-conceived tr011ing attempt
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: well
DV: maybe your mom was ill-conceived
DV: in her conception of you
DV: maybe that's the ill conception we should be focusing on
CT: D --> What is a mom
DV: uh
DV: okay you win that round
CT: D --> I don't understand anything you say. This conversation is proving to be a waste of time.
CT: D --> While your ramblings have proved somewhat amusing, I cannot afford to devote any more atten%ion towards ind001ging them.
CT: D --> My subordinates have located a new home for us and my mechanical talents are required to get the rest of this facility operational
CT: D --> My inten%ion was to finish this task in a mere 20 hours and you are cutting into my budgeted time
DV: haha i could do it in five
CT: D --> You do not even know what it is that I am doing
DV: thats why its so funny that i could do it better
DV: so weak
CT: D --> I have already e%plained to you that I am not weak
CT: D --> Your continued displays of disrepe% are not appreciated
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: so what are you going to do about it
CT: D --> I will close this chat and ignore you
CT: D --> I have no time to waste on ignorant f001s
DV: bwawk bwawk bwaaaaawk
CT: D --> What is this
DV: bwawk bwawk motherfucker
DV: thats you thats what you sound like
CT: D --> I do not make sounds like that
DV: yes you do
DV: youre all like bwawk bwawk im a pussy bwawk bwawk dont fuck with me im on the top of the echeladder
DV: bwawk bwawk im pretending to be working on something so i dont have to admit im scared to fight you bwaaaawk
CT: D --> Are you attempting to imitate a cluckfowl
CT: D --> Is that what this is
DV: bwaaaaaaaawk
CT: D --> Such immature insolence
CT: D --> You seem so intent on angering me but I cannot discern what you have to gain from such a provocation
CT: D --> I find it hard to believe that a sentient mind is behind these attacks
CT: D --> Are you a robot
DV: haha yeah
DV: domo arigato little cluckfowl
DV: bleep bloop himitsu wo shiritai
DV: my name is killroy bleep bloop
CT: D --> What
DV: i am programmed to make you cry bleep bloop
DV: i want to taste your tears let me taste them
CT: D --> I refuse
DV: bleep bloop do it
CT: D --> Such confusing anti%
CT: D --> Know this Killroy
CT: D --> I destroy robots like you with e%treme prejudice
CT: D --> On a daily basis
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yes, I do
DV: your robots dont break because youre so strong, they break because you build shitty robots
DV: mostly because you suck bleep bloop
DV: bet you couldnt build a robot that could beat one of my puppets in battle
CT: D --> What are puppets
DV: haha you dont know shit
DV: theyre like dolls that resemble living things and they can be manipulated in such a way that they appear to be moving and sometimes talking
DV: the every action of a puppet is horror and comedy in one
DV: where we walk they instead flop around awkwardly in a direction
DV: instead of talking, they stare lifelessly into space and flap hinged jaws while ventriloquists give them funny voices
DV: they are our most painful childhood flirtations with the uncanny valley
DV: the unliving abominations animated and made to perform, of all the goddamn things possible, mildly obnoxious stand-up comedy and slapstick antics
DV: my goal is to restore integrity to the trade- no, the art of puppetry
DV: but you wouldnt know anything about that
CT: D --> As a matter of fact I w001d
CT: D --> It seems to me that your puppets are not so different at all from my own creations
CT: D --> I too wish to restore integrity to my craft and do proper honor to my b100d caste
CT: D --> But soon there will be nothing left of our noble line, and all that I have worked for will be forgotten
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: well
DV: maybe we should compare notes then

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CA: i'm
CA: sailin awway
GA: Set An Open Course
GA: For The Virgin Sea
AA: cause ive
AA: g0t t0
AA: be free
AT: fREE TO FACE THE LIFE,
AT: tHATS AHEAD, oF ME,
CG: ON BOARD I'M THE CAPTAIN
CG: SO CLIMB ABOARD
GC: W3'LL S34RCH FOR TOMORROW
GC: ON 3V3RY SHOR3
TA: and ii'll try
TA: oh lord ii'll try
AG: To caaaaaaaarry oooooooon!

[egregiousBass]

Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

This is wonderful. It just opened my eyes to the whole reason Karkat fell for John that way. I also loved Kanaya's description of Rose.

Karkat♦Sollux has now made way for Karkat♦Kanaya.

[Kawa]

I use ♢ on my shipping grid to designate that troll disease called friendship, in contrast with ♦ for moirallegiance. So it's CG♢TA, CG♦GA, CG♥GC... CG♠CG?

[egregiousBass]

I use ♢ on my shipping grid to designate that troll disease called friendship, in contrast with ♦ for moirallegiance. So it's CG♢TA, CG♦GA, CG♥GC... CG♠CG?

I ship CG♥CA for no good reason whatsoever.
And self-hate isn't necessarily romantic hate =P

Also, I'm perplexed at Wigmund's striking charisma. I've never been able to link a name with an avatar and a post style this quickly before.

Actually, I like your usage of unicode. I'll be using ♢ to denote friendship now, too. What about ♤ for typical, non-romantic aversive hate and ♧ for reluctant, favor-esque mediation? I can't immediately think of a use for ♡.

[Solaris]

Equius - Bro(?) conversation is best conversation.

Also, Lotus, Crater where it once was?
I await to see what the heck may be going on there.

[Sushi Database]

I use ♢ on my shipping grid to designate that troll disease called friendship, in contrast with ♦ for moirallegiance. So it's CG♢TA, CG♦GA, CG♥GC... CG♠CG?

I ship CG♥CA for no good reason whatsoever.
And self-hate isn't necessarily romantic hate =P

Also, I'm perplexed at Wigmund's striking charisma. I've never been able to link a name with an avatar and a post style this quickly before.

Actually, I like your usage of unicode. I'll be using ♢ to denote friendship now, too. What about ♤ for typical, non-romantic aversive hate and ♧ for reluctant, favor-esque mediation? I can't immediately think of a use for ♡.

♡ could signify non-relationship lust, but that is unlikely to come into play very often among all these six-sweep olds.

[egregiousBass]

♡ could signify non-relationship lust, but that is unlikely to come into play very often among all these six-sweep olds.

That's a good idea, but then the black equivalent (♤) would be hatesex...ah well, there's hardly any difference anyway.

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So here's a slightly off-topic list of nonromantic ships?
Karkat♢Sollux
Karkat♤Karkat
Gamzee♢Everyone (but ♦ for Tavros)
Terezi♡Karkat (seriously, she's deranged)
Aradia♧(Equius♤Karkat)
Pertaining to that last one...

Yes, this is a great way to schematically denote troll bullshit without overstating it. I should write about these shenanigans.

[Kawa]

I ship CG♥CA for no good reason whatsoever.

Looking back at that fic, wouldn't that be the other way around?

Yes, this is a great way to schematically denote troll bullshit without overstating it. I should write about these shenanigans.

I AM HAPPY TO HAVE STARTED SOMETHING.

[egregiousBass]

I ship CG♥CA for no good reason whatsoever.

Looking back at that fic, wouldn't that be the other way around?

I was going for a denial kind of thing. Karkat wouldn't admit to loving and definitely not to being loved, but it would be redrom all the same.

[Kawa]

I was going for a denial kind of thing.

Gog, I am so blind. No wonder I'm 27 and single.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Man, I just CANNOT keep up with the art/romart/fic threads in here, no matter how hard I try. You guys just absolutely blow my mind with both the sheer AMOUNT of art, written or otherwise, and the level of quality of it on here. Maybe I'm just not used to really active fandoms or something but seriously. Awesome.

but anyway, fics!

more guardian-swapped kids!
Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

Both of these were excellent, though I'm especially partial to the Kan and Karkat one.

And now to try to imagine their fashion contest...

Man Douhneill, I had other things to do today that are not going to be helped by how I can't stop picturing John trying to recreate scenes from Zoolander. MODELLING RUBRIC: BLUE STEEL EIGHTFOLD.

[egregiousBass]

I think this is relevant.

[Douhneill]

Dang, he's good at writing conversations. Everything I've made so far definitely pales in comparison.

[Wigmund]

Also, I'm perplexed at Wigmund's striking charisma. I've never been able to link a name with an avatar and a post style this quickly before.

This is a good thing? Right?

[raequiem]

Dang, he's good at writing conversations. Everything I've made so far definitely pails in comparison.

Fixed that for you.

So this SolluxXJade fic isn't going as well as I'd hoped. But I'mma post it anyway because I hate myself and also you. Yes, you, reading this right now.

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-- twinArmageddons (TA) began trolling gardenGnostic (GG) --

TA: hey

She rubbed her sore eyes. Please, god, when would it end! She was angry and tired and just so done with everything.

Her fingers slammed the keys of her lunchtop:

GG: oh fuck no
GG: not another one
GG: don't you GET IT ALREADY???!!!
GG: I AM SICK OF YOU TROLLS!!!!!
GG: ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He blinked. He really should have seen that coming. He froze for a moment, indecisive, then tried:

TA: whoa hey
TA: calm down
GG: no i will NOT CALM DOWN!!!!
GG: you people have been on my case for months and i am SICK OF IT!!!!!
GG: why can't you just leave me alone
GG: please
GG: i just have so much other bullshit to deal with right now
GG: i don't have any energy left over for yours
GG: please just
GG: go away

Aaand now she was crying. The tears burned down her raw cheeks, and she swiped at them halfheartedly.

TA: oh gog
TA: plea2e dont be up2et
TA: iim 2orry

If there's one thing he can't deal with, it's a girl crying.

GG: i don't even want to hear it
GG: wait

She took a deep, calming breath, noting the unfamiliar handle and text color.

GG: we haven't talked before, have we?
TA: no
GG: then why are you apologizing?

He smiled.

TA: because kk2 an a22hole
TA: and a2 hii2 be2t friiend it2 my job two keep hiim from doing anythiing 2tupiid
TA: liike he diid iin that memo
TA: oh btw niice job teariing hiim a new one there

That almost made her smile.

GG: uh, thanks?
TA: anyway ii just wanted two 2ay that
TA: and that not all of u2 are huge ragiing douchebag2 liike hiim
TA: mo2t of u2 are pretty niice
TA: well

He glanced around the room, and sighed.

TA: 2ome of u2
TA: ...
TA: maybe two or three
GG: sounds rough
TA: you have no iidea
GG: heh
GG: well, thanks!
GG: you're the least weird troll i've talked to all day

It's true, she thought. In fact, aside from the whole doubled-i's-and-twos-for-s's thing, he was the least weird troll she'd talked to ever.

TA: who else were you talkiing two
GG: feferi
GG: she seemed nice
GG: but ugggh, so weird!
GG: especially about that awful dream : (

He frowned.

TA: yeah 2he2 okay
TA: kiinda weiirdly cool about the horrorterror2
TA: but then wiith her lu2u2 iit2 not really that 2urprii2iing
TA: iit2 kiinda strange that 2he diidnt tell me 2he wa2 talkiing two you though
GG: why is that strange?

And so they talked. About how he and Feferi weren't really a couple, despite what everyone thought - really, sometimes a kiss is just magic CPR, get over it. (That made her laugh out loud.) About her computer and how she'd programmed it. (He was enthralled by her codes, and said so.) About the challenges of caring for a radioactive dog versus a bicyclops. About how it felt to die and wake up again.

She was working to get into the Medium, of course, following John's directions blindly and with no little bewilderment, but all the time she kept that one conversation open. Glanced past John's hurried explanations and Dave's half-coherent rants and Rose's confusing, mystic mutterings, and drew comfort from that dark yellow text, blinking gently.

He was trying to maintain order in the chaos his fellow trolls were creating, but failing fast. He smacked Gamzee over the head with a pie tin for getting sopor in his keyboard. Slammed a quick code into Kanaya's console. Pushed past Nepeta and Terezi and Feferi to tell Karkat that he'd better get everyone's shit together already, isn't that what leaders are for? And regretted it immediately, seeing the almost lost look in his friend's eyes (what the hell did you say that for, worst friend ever, stupid stupid dumb). But then the moment passed and Karkat started yelling again, and he settled in front of his screen and felt something in his chest unknot when he saw that brilliant green text blinking back at him.

Their conversation continued like this, in sudden spurts between crises, until finally she has to go, no really this time, she has to go do this, but

GG: two more minutes!
TA: we cant afford iit
TA: you have two go now
GG: *sigh*
GG: alright...
GG: i guess we'll talk later?

He could see the brittle sort of hope in her face, and it twisted in his gut, but getting her in (getting her safe) was his greatest (only) priority.

TA: well talk for hour2
TA: well never 2top talking
TA: youre goiing two be 2o 2iick of my voiice

She wondered if he had any idea how it broke her to see him say that (to see him put himself down, see him hate himself) when she couldn't find a single thing she didn't like (or more?) about this boy.

GG: impossible!
GG: i love talking to you!
GG: i could never be sick of it : )

He paused in wonder. But...

TA: you have two go right now
TA: quiickly
GG: okay, okay, i'm going! ; )
GG: bye, sollux! see you soon!
GG:

-- gardenGnostic (GG) ceased pestering twinArmageddons (TA) --

That was probably a bad idea, but she couldn't bring herself to regret it. She closed her lunchtop and turned to enter her Gate.

TA: ...
TA:

Uggh, so bad. Completely unpolished and unedited, feel free to concrit it to within an inch of its existence.

[Nanakii]

"But I'mma post it anyway because I hate myself and also you. Yes, you, reading this right now."

Pffttt Raeq, that was super, stop being such a dork! Firstly, I liked it a lot! I never thought of that pairing~. Secondly, you need to keep it up and post more, yes!
((Only thing I really can say is that it seems a bit choppy, buttt it can slide for now.))

[Tenebrais]

Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

There's one thing that's bugging me, and it's that Kanaya never uses punctuation. Makes it hard for me to get into this.

[Shadow of the Lotus]

I'm usually kinda hesitant in my John/Rose fics. I don't tend to write anything too explicitly romantic as I feel like John and Rose just aren't at the point of something like that making sense in the comic and I feel something written that attempts to have more explicit romance would need to take place too far in the future of the comic; a bit too speculative for my tastes I guess. I like to try and write stuff that feels authentic. I have tried to do that while including something a bit 'steamier' in this fic. The setting is around the time of where the comic is currently. I don't really have a title I guess. I saved the file as "It Keeps Happening," however.

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A sickening crack and a numbing jolt followed John as he crashed next to Rose's house. Although cushioned by the chalk sand, the force of John's impact was still tremendous. A plume of sand mushroomed around John for a split second before it, John, and the surrounding sand were blown away from Rose's house. The loud noise accompanying John's crash was humbled instantly. The roar of the crimson jet of flame shooting downward from Rose's second gate deafened John as his ears began to bleed. As would be necessary from this point forward, reference to 'Rose's house' was apt described as 'that crater where it once was.' A slab of concrete once constituting a wall slammed into John as he was blown violently to a nearby island. Debris flew everywhere as the crater formed, water boiling as it attempted to fill in what once was the island with Rose's house. The roar only stopped after Rose's second gate exploded, her whole planet having rumbled from the impact. John lay blooded, unable to hear, and too scared to move. Intense pain quickened John's descent into unconsciousness. John's face was salty as his view faded; the salty air having mixed with tears flowing down his face, creating streaks of raw, pink skin against a backdrop of blood. A last thought floated across John's mind as he tried to grasp what had just happened. “I can't... so dumb...”

While normally it would have been days or weeks before John would have awoken, magic is particularly useful in healing such injuries. John's eyes opened to a dimly lit room. Shelves filled with books surrounded John as he lay on a heap of skirts and dresses; his pillow a salamander plush toy. His glasses were missing and, coupled with adjusting to the dark of the room, John could only make out a vague shape moving in front of him to his right. A vaguely pink outline, sitting, that was busied with reading a book.

“Rest, John” came a voice, delicate in its chill but sweet under its outward tone; more akin to ice cream than to a deathly frostbite. John's head hurt. He tried to lift himself up from his bed but quickly collapsed back at the attempt. The pink figure stirred. “You're hurt still. Rest for now. Magic can only do so much.” What had happened? John could hardly think, a static clung to his mind as he tried to remember. His hand lifted to his forehead, John squinted in pain. The pink figure moved closer; its head inches above John's. John lifted his head slightly and looked up. His mouth agape, John quickly let out a startled yell before his mouth was filled with a scraggly beard. A pink turtle with glasses and a beard stared down at John, yelling out with a grumbled “prah” before shuffling to a far away corner.

“I apologize for that John,” came Rose's voice in front of John to his left. Rose was wearing a long black dress with a long-sleeved pink shirt underneath it. A pink scarf tied around her waist dragged along the floor as she moved towards John. Rose had been nearly invisible to John while his eyes had adjusted to the dim light of the room but John could make out Rose's blurry shape as she stepped forward. A mute smile came into clear view as Rose bent down and slipped John's glasses onto his face. “The turtles can be useful sometimes but otherwise just get in the way.” Rose backed away slightly as she stood up while continuing to face John. “His instructions were to watch over you while examining books for hints of the nature of Skaia. Honestly, I wish the turtles were more useful.”

“Useful...” John muttered. His eyes widened as the memories started to rush back. “Dave!” John pushed himself up again, wincing in pain as he forced himself up. “Rose. I killed Dave. I killed everyone. Everyone is dead. Oh god.” John felt his insides churn as a dizziness overtook him. He leaned to his side to vomit into a nearby bucket filled with water and a single rag. A small stool near the bucket fell over as John leaned against it, his head crashing to the floor as his nausea overtook him. Rose rushed forward to help John. Her knees laid against the floor to John's right, Rose placed her hands around John's head and lifted him up.

You shouldn't over-exert yourself” Rose lay John back onto the pile of laundry. A concerned look spread across Rose's face as she looked at John from above. John clutched at his stomach. “Rose, it was horrible. The fire spread everywhere. And Jack. He blew up everything. I couldn't stop him.” John's breathing quickened. Jack. In his fight against Bro and Davesprite, Jack had gone mad. A fire started during the melee quickly spread to all of LOWAS. However, this wasn't enough for what still happened.

“It's... it's gone. My planet, the... salamanders, Nanna, D... Dave, and his brother. They're... all gone.” Tears began to stream from John's face again as he struggled to talk. Gasps intermingled with his words as he relived the tragedy. Rose's right hand gently pushed against John's face as she brushed away his tears; a slight tremble in its motion. “You're safe now John”

“It's all my fault. I'm so dumb Rose. I can't do anything.” John began to rock his head back and forth, “Stupid stupid stupid stu-” Rose placed her right pointer finger over John's lips. “Shhh. Please John, rest. This isn't the time to beat yourself up over something you couldn't possibly control.” John contorted as he tried to control his sobs. Rose's hand calmed John as he took a couple deep breaths. He lifted his right arm to grab at Rose's and pulled her hand away from his face, “Orange Dave saved me. I wasn't able to save him. I saw it Rose.” John's eyes scrunched as a fresh stream of tears flowed, “I saw him kill Dave.”

Rose cleared her throat. Despite this, her voice was still hoarse and gritty. “Joh-” she tried to clear once again, “John, stop.” Her eyes gleamed in the dim light of the library as tears welled up within them. Rose fought back to keep her composure. “You're here. You're safe. Nothing will hurt you while I'm here.”

John paused. “... Nanna threw me into my second gate. I only got here because she did.” John let his head drop and rested back onto the salamander plush. “Your house blew up. I'm sorry Rose.”
Rose let out a tiny smile as she gulped. “That's fine John. It seems my house just can't escape fire.”

“I could have told you about fire, Rose,” John smiled. “It keeps happening.” Another lull. “I'm scared Rose.” John shifted slightly as he forced himself into a sitting position. Rose stood up and returned with a glass of water which she gave to John. John took the glass and began to drink. The water was cold and refreshing. It washed out the taste of vomit John still had in his mouth and helped drive back his nausea. “I feel so dumb. I don't know how to take out Jack.”

Rose sat down next to John, her legs crossed beneath her. “We'll find a way.” Her eyes looked forceful, yet calm. “We'll find a way to win this still.”

“How!” John lifted his arms in front of him before swinging them down to his sides as he yelled. “How can we beat Jack? He killed Dave. He destroyed Prospit's moon AND my planet.” His fists clinched, John lowered his head as frustration overcame him. “I'm the shittiest leader there ever could be. A real hero wouldn’t have let Dave die. I'm just dumb. Dumb dumb stupid stupid dumb lame kid. I'm worse than everybody. All the-”

“Stop!” Rose reached underneath John's head and lifted it up. She pushed her lips forcefully onto John's as she closed her eyes tight. John sat, wide-eyed, unsure of what to do or what was even going on. What in the heck was going on in here? It didn't feel bad, certainly not. But... why would... huh? Rose brought herself back from the kiss. “Stop saying that you're dumb. Stop calling yourself stupid. John, you are a brave, caring individual. You can be goofy sometimes, but you're really smart too. I don't care how you're feeling, there is no excuse to say those things about yourself.”

Rose's breathing came heavy and fast. A blush clung to her cheeks and a fire lit up her eyes. She looked... kinda pissed. John blushed furiously. “Uh...” Rose straightened her hair and stood up. “Just... just get some rest John.” John frowned slightly. “O...ok Rose. I'm... I'm sorry about-”

“It's ok John”
“...Rose?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for believing in me. I won't let you down.”
Rose smiled, “I know, John.”

[gosh]

Dang, he's good at writing conversations. Everything I've made so far definitely pails in comparison.

Fixed that for you.

So this SolluxXJade fic isn't going as well as I'd hoped. But I'mma post it anyway because I hate myself and also you. Yes, you, reading this right now.

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-- twinArmageddons (TA) began trolling gardenGnostic (GG) --

TA: hey

She rubbed her sore eyes. Please, god, when would it end! She was angry and tired and just so done with everything.

Her fingers slammed the keys of her lunchtop:

GG: oh fuck no
GG: not another one
GG: don't you GET IT ALREADY???!!!
GG: I AM SICK OF YOU TROLLS!!!!!
GG: ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He blinked. He really should have seen that coming. He froze for a moment, indecisive, then tried:

TA: whoa hey
TA: calm down
GG: no i will NOT CALM DOWN!!!!
GG: you people have been on my case for months and i am SICK OF IT!!!!!
GG: why can't you just leave me alone
GG: please
GG: i just have so much other bullshit to deal with right now
GG: i don't have any energy left over for yours
GG: please just
GG: go away

Aaand now she was crying. The tears burned down her raw cheeks, and she swiped at them halfheartedly.

TA: oh gog
TA: plea2e dont be up2et
TA: iim 2orry

If there's one thing he can't deal with, it's a girl crying.

GG: i don't even want to hear it
GG: wait

She took a deep, calming breath, noting the unfamiliar handle and text color.

GG: we haven't talked before, have we?
TA: no
GG: then why are you apologizing?

He smiled.

TA: because kk2 an a22hole
TA: and a2 hii2 be2t friiend it2 my job two keep hiim from doing anythiing 2tupiid
TA: liike he diid iin that memo
TA: oh btw niice job teariing hiim a new one there

That almost made her smile.

GG: uh, thanks?
TA: anyway ii just wanted two 2ay that
TA: and that not all of u2 are huge ragiing douchebag2 liike hiim
TA: mo2t of u2 are pretty niice
TA: well

He glanced around the room, and sighed.

TA: 2ome of u2
TA: ...
TA: maybe two or three
GG: sounds rough
TA: you have no iidea
GG: heh
GG: well, thanks!
GG: you're the least weird troll i've talked to all day

It's true, she thought. In fact, aside from the whole doubled-i's-and-twos-for-s's thing, he was the least weird troll she'd talked to ever.

TA: who else were you talkiing two
GG: feferi
GG: she seemed nice
GG: but ugggh, so weird!
GG: especially about that awful dream : (

He frowned.

TA: yeah 2he2 okay
TA: kiinda weiirdly cool about the horrorterror2
TA: but then wiith her lu2u2 iit2 not really that 2urprii2iing
TA: iit2 kiinda strange that 2he diidnt tell me 2he wa2 talkiing two you though
GG: why is that strange?

And so they talked. About how he and Feferi weren't really a couple, despite what everyone thought - really, sometimes a kiss is just magic CPR, get over it. (That made her laugh out loud.) About her computer and how she'd programmed it. (He was enthralled by her codes, and said so.) About the challenges of caring for a radioactive dog versus a bicyclops. About how it felt to die and wake up again.

She was working to get into the Medium, of course, following John's directions blindly and with no little bewilderment, but all the time she kept that one conversation open. Glanced past John's hurried explanations and Dave's half-coherent rants and Rose's confusing, mystic mutterings, and drew comfort from that dark yellow text, blinking gently.

He was trying to maintain order in the chaos his fellow trolls were creating, but failing fast. He smacked Gamzee over the head with a pie tin for getting sopor in his keyboard. Slammed a quick code into Kanaya's console. Pushed past Nepeta and Terezi and Feferi to tell Karkat that he'd better get everyone's shit together already, isn't that what leaders are for? And regretted it immediately, seeing the almost lost look in his friend's eyes (what the hell did you say that for, worst friend ever, stupid stupid dumb). But then the moment passed and Karkat started yelling again, and he settled in front of his screen and felt something in his chest unknot when he saw that brilliant green text blinking back at him.

Their conversation continued like this, in sudden spurts between crises, until finally she has to go, no really this time, she has to go do this, but

GG: two more minutes!
TA: we cant afford iit
TA: you have two go now
GG: *sigh*
GG: alright...
GG: i guess we'll talk later?

He could see the brittle sort of hope in her face, and it twisted in his gut, but getting her in (getting her safe) was his greatest (only) priority.

TA: well talk for hour2
TA: well never 2top talking
TA: youre goiing two be 2o 2iick of my voiice

She wondered if he had any idea how it broke her to see him say that (to see him put himself down, see him hate himself) when she couldn't find a single thing she didn't like (or more?) about this boy.

GG: impossible!
GG: i love talking to you!
GG: i could never be sick of it : )

He paused in wonder. But...

TA: you have two go right now
TA: quiickly
GG: okay, okay, i'm going! ; )
GG: bye, sollux! see you soon!
GG:

-- gardenGnostic (GG) ceased pestering twinArmageddons (TA) --

That was probably a bad idea, but she couldn't bring herself to regret it. She closed her lunchtop and turned to enter her Gate.

TA: ...
TA:

Uggh, so bad. Completely unpolished and unedited, feel free to concrit it to within an inch of its existence.

This is really cute. I demand more o:

[Metaflare]

The Note Desperation Plays, part nine (horror and comedy in one)

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"I'm not a hero,
I'm not a savior,
Forget what you know.
I'm just a man whose
Circumstances
Went beyond his control!" -Huey Lewis and the News


Corpsemourn ceremonies were rare in troll societies, but they weren't entirely unheard of. The practice had mainly been established among landdwelling purple-bloods. It wasn't about preserving the body. No one cared about that (and in fact, if the trolls' lusus was still alive it was considered traditional for it to devour the body at the end of the ceremony). It was a formal setting to provide closure for whatever friends or romantic pairs the deceased might have, and provide a forum for which the surviving trolls could decide, civilly, how to distribute the deceased's property. Lower bloods didn't bother with any such formalities. If a troll died, his friends might mourn their passing, but gathering together to honor the loss was considered a little eccentric.

Nepeta had never been to a corpsemourn. For that matter, she had never really known someone who had died. There was Aradia, of course, but she hadn't really been "in" on the group back then. The only loss she had ever had to deal with was Pounce, and Gamzee's absence had left a pain in her heart.

That is to say, it would have left a pain in her heart, were she not stoned out of her mind.

She and Feferi and been granted permission to search Gamzee's room and computer and come back with anything that would tell them how to honor his passing. She already been a little buzzed by the time Feferi had showed up, since she had licked the sopor off instead of showering this morning. But it hadn't been significant. A mild embellishing of the senses, a quickening of her heart beat, a slightly increased fascination with color...

But when Feferi had taken a break to go swimming with Sollux, Nepeta had broken out the big guns. A sopor pie, presumably cooked the day before and left behind in Gamzee's room. No doubt the piehead had intended to eat it when he got home from his bar. Well. It was Nepeta's, now.

She was lying on the floor, wrapped in a blanket she had found in Gamzee's closet, slowly rolling around. She had been working on typing a script for his corpsemourn on his computer when the sopor had come on. For a few minutes she tried to keep working. She ignored the funny ways the shapes on the computer danced around, ignored the way colors seemed to sneak their way off the computer and into the air around her. Finally the blobs of color had danced their way into a shape that, to her at least, resembled Karkat herp derping, and that had been the breaking point. She crawled out of her chair, inching across the floor and giggled until her chest hurt. Gamzee's computer was in animated screensaver mode now (who still used screensavers?) and he had clearly picked it for when he wanted to trip horns. It was like a lava lamp kaleidoscope. It was beautiful. Life was beautiful.

Life was a miracle.

A sound from the desk alerted her. Someone was pestering Feferi's laptop. With her head low and her (fake) tail in the air, she slunk over to the laptop and pounced the keyboard, disrupting the black screensaver and bringing up the message.

grimAuxilliatrix [GA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]
GA: Excuse Me
GA: I Apologize For Interrupting You In The Middle Of Your Planning Phase
GA: But Have You Determined Whether Or Not We Will Need To Wear Face Paint For Gamzee's Corpsemourn
GA: As Much As I Want To Honor Him I Admit To Be Dreading The Eventuality
CC: :33 hEy KaNaYa!!
GA: What
GA: What Is This
CC: :33 It'S nEpEtA! fEfErI lEfT hEr CoMpUtEr HeRe!
GA: No I Figured That Out Immediately
GA: It Was Pretty Obvious
GA: But Why Are You Typing Like That
CC: :33 I dUnNo, It'S jUsT fUn!
CC: :33 DoNt YoU eVeR wAnT tO tRy A dIfFuRReNt TyPiNg QuIrK, tO kEeP tHiNgS iNtErEsTiNg?
GA: I Cant Say That I Do
GA: My Quirk Suits Me And Is Very Easy To Use
GA: I Cant Think Of Anything I Would Have To Gain By Taking On A New One
CC: :33 It'S lIkE...
CC: :33 ThOsE cApItAl LeTtErS aRe BoReD bEcAuSe ThEy AlWaYs HaVe To Go At ThE fRoNt Of ThE lInE! yOu GoTtA lEt ThEm InTeGrAtE, kAnAyA!
CC: :33 CaPiTaL lEtTeRs WaNt To Be Fr33!
GA: Uh
GA: If You Say So
GA: That Looks Like It Would Take Forever To Do Though
GA: I Think My Capital Letters Are Comfortable Assuming Supremacy At The Forefront Of My Word Bunches
GA: That's All The Variety They Need
CC: :33 GuHhHhH, yOuR cApItAlS aRe BoRiNg!
GA: That May Be True
GA: But They Have To Live Their Own Capital Lives
GA: If They Truly Are Discontent They Are Welcome To Join Karkats Capital Letter Rumpus Party At Any Time
CC: :33 HeHeHeHeHeHe!
CC: :33 WhOa!
CC: :33 KaNaYa I jUsT r33LiZeD sOmEtHiNg!
GA: Okay
GA: Is It At Least Tangentially Related To The Topic I Pestered You About
CC: :33 HeHeHe NoT hArDlY!
CC: :33 I jUsT r33LiZeD tHaT iF i OnLy UsE wOrDs ThAt ArE tWo LeTtErS lOnG
CC: :33 We WoUlD hAvE tHe SaMe TyPiNg QuIrK gOiNg On!
GA: I Suppose That Is True
GA: I Think That Might Dramatically Limit Your Vocabulary However
CC: :33 Oh It Is An Uh Of
CC: :33 Oh ShIt
CC: :33 I rAn OuT oF wOrDs ThEre!
CC: :33 I gUeSs I cAnT r33LlY k33P tHaT uP
GA: Apparently Not
CC: :33 DaMn, WoW
CC: :33 TyPiNg QuIrKs ArE hArD
CC: :33 HeY, yOu'Re CoMiNg To ThE cOrPsEmOuRn, RiGhT??
GA: Uh Yes
GA: Of Course
GA: In Fact If You Scroll Up You May Notice That It Was For That Reason That I Had Messaged Feferi
GA: If It Isnt Much Trouble Do You Think You Could Put Her On
CC: :33 WhOa, PuT hEr On WhAt?
GA: What
CC: :33 LiKe PuT hEr On ThE tAbLe?
CC: :33 I dUnNo If I CoUlD dO tHaT
GA: Nepeta
GA: Let Me Talk To Feferi
CC: :33 ShE iSnT hErE!
CC: :33 ShE's GoInG sWiMmInG wItH sOlLuX!
GA: Are You Shitting Me
GA: Did She At Least Complete Her Responsibilities Before Going Off On Her Date
CC: :33 I tOlD hEr It WoUlD bE oKaY!
CC: :33 We WoRkEd On It FoR lIkE tWo HoUrS bEfOrE sHe LeFt AnD iTs PrEtTy MuCh DoNe
GA: Excellent
GA: What Time Will We Be Doing This Then
CC: :33 UmMmMmMm
CC: :33 I dUnNo WhAt TiMe Is It NoW?
GA: As You Will Plainly See If You Check The Time In The Bottom Right Corner Of The Screen
GA: It Is Currently Half Past Noon
CC: :33 OhHhHhHh
CC: :33 WhOa, AlReAdY?
GA: Yes Already
CC: :33 I gOtTa Go, KaNaYa! It'S lUnChTiMe!
GA: Yes But I Need To Know When We Are Having The Ceremony
GA: Nepeta
GA: You Never Answered My Question
cuttlefishCuller [CC] is an idle troll
GA: God Fucking Dammit

~

"Come on, you have to kick your legs!"

"I am kicking my legth, I'm jutht not-" Sollux's head sunk under water for a moment and cut off his sentence. Feferi adjusted her grip on Sollux and he splashed back up above the surface. "Bluh!"

"There, that was good! You moved forward on your own there!"

Sollux hung off the side of the pool, coughing. "FF that wathnt thwimming, that wath me in my death throeth. Drowning ith not the thame ath thwimming."

Feferi treaded water next to him, showing off by not touching the side of the pool. "Sollux, come on. You can do this!"

"Thee you keep thaying that, but I'm pretty thure it doethnt count ath thwimming unleth you can move yourthelf around without a girl holding you up."

"Are you embarassed that you need a girl's help? I can leave, if that would massage your ego." Feferi's expression was serious, but Sollux had gotten to know her well enough to see the twinkle in her eyes. She was just teasing him.

"Dont give me that carp, I'm not going to thwim without you."

"Oh, so you're only doing this to make you happy, right."

"Duhh," Sollux said, sticking his tongue out. "But whatever maketh you happy maketh me happy."

She swam over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "That's my codependent little gourami. Now let go of the wall."

"No friggin way."

"Do you trust me?"

He almost snapped back with a snarky "hell no", but then he looked into her eyes and saw they were staring right back into his. She had returned to his room after she'd been working with Nepeta for a few hours, and she'd brought him a custom alchemized pair of bathing shirts (covered in cartoonish bees) and goggles (created with the code for his shades). She was so --EXCIT--ED, how could he let her down? So he'd came. His headache had been gone by that point anyway, alleviated by more spoonfuls of mind honey than he'd like to admit even to himself.

Sollux had to admit that he had first bonded with Feferi simply because she was a cute girl who liked him. Did that make him shallow? He thought it might, a little bit. And for all his claiming to not give a shit about the hemospectrum, he kind of liked how her blood made the other guys act. Particularly Equius would've probably given his good horn to switch places with Sollux, even though he was already happily quadrant-locked with Aradia. It was the b100-b100d prerogative. Even trolls with no romantic designs for the princess could not deny an attraction. And of course, Eridan...

Sollux felt a little guilty about Eridan, actually.

But that had been part of what had drawn him to her, sure. In the beginning. Who turns down a princess, when she kisses you back to life? But in their adventures the pair had grown into more than that. He would do anything for her, if she asked him to. Yes. Yes, he trusted her.

"Yeah," he said, and let go of the wall.

She caught him in her arms immediately, holding him close up against her. "Good koi. Now," she said, their faces so close that Sollux's breathing was fogging up her goggles a little. "Look down. At my legs."

He glanced down, trying not to be too obvious looking down the top of her swimming suit. "Okay."

"See how I'm moving them? Sort of like... kicking in circles."

"Yeah, thort of like..." he started treading water along with her.

"Glub glub now you're getting it!"

"Hey, I am," he grinned. "Thith ith pretty cool."

She broke away from him and swam back a few feet. To his credit, Sollux didn't sink, though he did have to tread a little harder to keep up on his own. "So, Sollux... did you like treading water with me?"

His cheeks turned a pale yellow. "Yeah. Of courthe I did."

"And..." She was using her breathy voice and was biting lightly on her ring finger. Dammit, he had no defense. "...Would you like to do it... some more?"

Now he looked about the color of honey. "You alwayth teathe me tho relentlethly."

"Is that a yes?"

"Dammit, yeth it'th a yeth, come on."

"Well, in that case..." her eyes flashed mischievously behind her goggles. "You're going to have to catch me! Glub!" She splashed him and dove underwater.

A pun occurred to Sollux using the word "breaststroke", but he thought better of it. He lowered his goggles over his eyes.



~

MEANWHILE, DAYS IN THE PAST...

digitalVigilence [DV] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

DV: hey
DV: whos the boss of this place
CT: D --> E%cuse me?
DV: whos in charge
DV: the head honcho, the big guy, the guy you talk to when you need to discuss business
DV: i dont have time to dick around with underlings
CT: D --> Why w001d you need to speak with our leader
DV: man im not going to tell that to some nobody intern or whatever you are i have serious matters to discuss
CT: D --> A leader does not have time to be bothered with nonsense. If you c001d elaborate on what business you have, perhaps he may consider it worth his time.
DV: no thats not how this goes down
DV: this shit is so top fucking secret that if anyone were to look at it without having proper security clearance the information could very well drive their minds into the depths of dementia and fry their eyeballs right out of their sockets
DV: you dont want to burn yourself on this hot plate small fry
DV: direct me to the man of the household
CT: D --> Such insolence is abso100tely intolerable. I will not stand for it.
DV: what are you going to do about it little man
CT: D --> You will show the proper deference to a noble of my stature and withdraw your statements immediately.
CT: D --> I am the strongest of all here, and my authority will be recognized.
CT: D --> I am the head honcho.
DV: haha yeah right
CT: D --> You do not believe it?
DV: dude look
DV: there is no way you are up to the challenges of this assignment
DV: if you really are the leader then im pretty sure your entire remaining race couldnt accomplish this challenge anyway
DV: i'll just find some other timeline where the leader isnt so weak
CT: D --> I am not weak
DV: oh yeah
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yes
DV: pffft
DV: bet i could kick your ass
CT: D --> Is that what you think
CT: D --> I'm pretty sure your assessment is incorrect
CT: D --> Though I try to maintain a front of modesty I am a being of almost supernatural strength and my righteous ascension to the highest rung of the echeladder has endowed me with nigh-insurpassable combat prowess.
DV: what echeladders you still use that baby stuff
CT: D --> What
DV: man i finished my echeladder when i was in kindergarten
DV: it was friggin easy i cant believe you havent moved on yet
CT: D --> What are you talking about
CT: D --> What new level of strength are you claiming awaits one beyond the echeladder
DV: dude you have to max out your dangersphere
CT: D --> What
DV: your dangersphere collects event points through your daily rigors and trials of life
CT: D --> I see
CT: D --> Is this sphere some kind of intangible abstra%ion
DV: its as abstract as shit listen
DV: once you max out your dangersphere with event points you can challenge the lord of ladders to a shadow duel
DV: he is bound by the laws of muscle magic to accept this challenge
DV: now the lord of ladders is pretty sick, i recommend you go for the middle rungs and try to kick him in half
DV: You know how to activate your specials right
CT: D --> Why w001dn't I know such a simple thing
DV: well i dont know your movelist but ive found down right b usually kicks him down the middle
DV: once he's dead you will have to harvest the wood from his rungs
DV: and build a big bonfire and dance around chanting the seven mantras of the fist god
CT: D --> Will this entire process be necessary every time I want to level up
DV: uh yeah
DV: and then the fist god comes down from the sky and bropounds your raised fist and the jolt of electricity from his god powers should activate your reward hamper, from which you can then collect your attribute tokens
CT: D --> How do I use these attribute tokens
DV: thats so obvious it need not even be discussed
CT: D --> I think
CT: D --> This is some kind of ill-conceived tr011ing attempt
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: well
DV: maybe your mom was ill-conceived
DV: in her conception of you
DV: maybe that's the ill conception we should be focusing on
CT: D --> What is a mom
DV: uh
DV: okay you win that round
CT: D --> I don't understand anything you say. This conversation is proving to be a waste of time.
CT: D --> While your ramblings have proved somewhat amusing, I cannot afford to devote any more atten%ion towards ind001ging them.
CT: D --> My subordinates have located a new home for us and my mechanical talents are required to get the rest of this facility operational
CT: D --> My inten%ion was to finish this task in a mere 20 hours and you are cutting into my budgeted time
DV: haha i could do it in five
CT: D --> You do not even know what it is that I am doing
DV: thats why its so funny that i could do it better
DV: so weak
CT: D --> I have already e%plained to you that I am not weak
CT: D --> Your continued displays of disrepe% are not appreciated
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: so what are you going to do about it
CT: D --> I will close this chat and ignore you
CT: D --> I have no time to waste on ignorant f001s
DV: bwawk bwawk bwaaaaawk
CT: D --> What is this
DV: bwawk bwawk motherfucker
DV: thats you thats what you sound like
CT: D --> I do not make sounds like that
DV: yes you do
DV: youre all like bwawk bwawk im a pussy bwawk bwawk dont fuck with me im on the top of the echeladder
DV: bwawk bwawk im pretending to be working on something so i dont have to admit im scared to fight you bwaaaawk
CT: D --> Are you attempting to imitate a cluckfowl
CT: D --> Is that what this is
DV: bwaaaaaaaawk
CT: D --> Such immature insolence
CT: D --> You seem so intent on angering me but I cannot discern what you have to gain from such a provocation
CT: D --> I find it hard to believe that a sentient mind is behind these attacks
CT: D --> Are you a robot
DV: haha yeah
DV: domo arigato little cluckfowl
DV: bleep bloop himitsu wo shiritai
DV: my name is killroy bleep bloop
CT: D --> What
DV: i am programmed to make you cry bleep bloop
DV: i want to taste your tears let me taste them
CT: D --> I refuse
DV: bleep bloop do it
CT: D --> Such confusing anti%
CT: D --> Know this Killroy
CT: D --> I destroy robots like you with e%treme prejudice
CT: D --> On a daily basis
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yes, I do
DV: your robots dont break because youre so strong, they break because you build shitty robots
DV: mostly because you suck bleep bloop
DV: bet you couldnt build a robot that could beat one of my puppets in battle
CT: D --> What are puppets
DV: haha you dont know shit
DV: theyre like dolls that resemble living things and they can be manipulated in such a way that they appear to be moving and sometimes talking
DV: the every action of a puppet is horror and comedy in one
DV: where we walk they instead flop around awkwardly in a direction
DV: instead of talking, they stare lifelessly into space and flap hinged jaws while ventriloquists give them funny voices
DV: they are our most painful childhood flirtations with the uncanny valley
DV: the unliving abominations animated and made to perform, of all the goddamn things possible, mildly obnoxious stand-up comedy and slapstick antics
DV: my goal is to restore integrity to the trade- no, the art of puppetry
DV: but you wouldnt know anything about that
CT: D --> As a matter of fact I w001d
CT: D --> It seems to me that your puppets are not so different at all from my own creations
CT: D --> I too wish to restore integrity to my craft and do proper honor to my b100d caste
CT: D --> But soon there will be nothing left of our noble line, and all that I have worked for will be forgotten
DV: yeah?
CT: D --> Yeah
DV: well
DV: maybe we should compare notes then

show spoiler

hide spoiler

CA: i'm
CA: sailin awway
GA: Set An Open Course
GA: For The Virgin Sea
AA: cause ive
AA: g0t t0
AA: be free
AT: fREE TO FACE THE LIFE,
AT: tHATS AHEAD, oF ME,
CG: ON BOARD I'M THE CAPTAIN
CG: SO CLIMB ABOARD
GC: W3'LL S34RCH FOR TOMORROW
GC: ON 3V3RY SHOR3
TA: and ii'll try
TA: oh lord ii'll try
AG: To caaaaaaaarry oooooooon!

Holy shit that fef/sollux momend was adoriblarious. The Bro and Equius convo was just the best thing.

And I want the voice acting people to sing that song. Like. Now.

[Bufu]

Kanaya and Karkat share their romantic woes

There's one thing that's bugging me, and it's that Kanaya never uses punctuation. Makes it hard for me to get into this.

oh balls! she doesn't indeed O: I had it in my head that she used perfect syntax and punctuation somehow

but anyway, sweet catch bro! Thanks, I'll be sure to fix that later and drop the punctuation with Kanaya-dialogue if/when I write anything with her in again

[-Benedict]

Oh my god I just realized that DV was Bro. Sushi I'm thinking that you are so amazing at this stuff right now you have no idea.