We ♠ Bad Movies - do you?

[Lieutenant Fish]

We hope you will join us tonight for a movie about a talking stockbroker horse and the return of Mazes and Mosters.

[DelitaHyral]

fuck off crabfag at gamerdater.com

[SquirrelPants]

experience the pain of insanity at gamer dater dot com

[Loather of Irk]

The impossible is inevitable at Gamer Dater .com

[Jit]

Every time I miss one of these streams I always read the thread and just wonder what I missed.

[SquirrelPants]

it's ok jit all you missed was horse stock brokers and okcupidenemies and me going crazy and GAMER DATER DOT COM

[SandieSandwicheadman]

The cold, dark expanse is calling me. I think... I think I'm ready. Gamerdater.com

[piksbisht]

The Apple
Cyberbu

are worst movies

[WillyDeWulfe]

show spoiler

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CYBERBU//Y: BREAKING DOWN THE ACTS

Most stories follow a three-or-less act structure; the exceptions to this rule are notable just by breaking it, even. Shakespeare, for instance, constantly made 5-act monstrosities. Cyberbu//y does not, and can come across as lopsided due to it. In this post, I will attempt to explicate each of the acts, and perhaps grow to appreciate it for the art that it is. Or the writers for actually not deserving the title of writer.

ACT I - THE EXPOSITION

Act I exists to set up the initial parameters and conflict. Even your dog could write a decent Act I. Cyberbu//y establishes the following in short order:

• Our protagonist, Rich White Teen Girl who's having her 17th birthday.
• The main character, Her Mom. She is a professional woman — a public relations agent, she clumsily exposits in her very first on-screen line — who has been historically restrictive towards her children.
• Rich White Teen Girl's best friend, The Brown-Haired One.
• The little brother, a nonplayer because he is a man.

Without missing a beat, they establish the thesis of the movie, the reason de eatery: RWTG calls The Brown-Haired One a brat, Her Mom gets all up in her business, chastises her, and tells her that "what you do online isn't exactly private," which is basically the trajectory of the whole film. Oh, and she's divorced! (That has no bearing on the plot, other than to minimize further the presence of men and make that poor Her Mom feel even more put-upon by the target audience of mothers.) Also, all the teens are using a new site called Cliquester. And there's bullies. All of this takes about 1 minute, but at least it's bounding along nicely and technically, it's no more expository than many Act Is, just less subtle. Then the high schoolers proceed to talk nothing like high schoolers and everything slows down signifigantly, but soon we're back in the house and RWTG is opening her birthday present: a brand new laptop.

Her first reaction is to ask what the catch is. Her Mom tells her there is none, then tells her the catch. It's to the effect of "no visiting inappopriate sites," so I guess no porn? Puritanical, Her Mom. And "no giving out personal information," which is literally the first thing we see her do. But still, it's only enforced on the honor code. BIG MISTAKE, HER MOM! This is the takeaway moral of the story in miniature. Even if you think you're being too strict with your kids, you're actually not being strict ENOUGH. They can't handle anything on their own, and evne the slightest allowance for them to act like an adult is verboten until they're in college, where they will surely be able to handle a sudden influx of freedom and responsibility due to your stern parenting.

But back to the giving out of her personal information. RWTG, TBHO, and the only African-American character, who we'll call "Blackie," are setting up RWTG's Cliquester profile. I believe the proper term for a group of teenaged girls is a "gaggle," actually. Afterwards, TBHO goes home in an utterly pointlessly long transition and looks at RWTG's wall. She coos at the poem RWTG posted, but I thought RWTG wanted to be a journalist? IDK, LOL. But there's trouble in paradise. Somebody called RWTG "DOGFACE!!!" Or "LARDO!!!"

THE SEEDS OF CONFLICT HAVE BEEN SEWN!!!

Then she goes back to school where literally nothing important happens. Might as well be called "Paddington High." I think the gay guy hits on her, though? And with the conflict established, Act II can begin!

ACT II - SHIT GETS WORSE

Act II was summed up efficently in the title of this section. At the beginning of this act, RWTG is almost unscathed by the minor conflict of being called "Dogface" or "Lardo." She managed to shrug that off, and the insults about her shoes that I let pass without comment, but during this act she suddently loses that ability entirely for no reason at all. For the rest of the movie, everything is serious. This is an issue flick, if we aren't serious all the time how will anybody see the tragedy?

We go back to Paddington High, where she is already leaving, thank God. Anyway, The Gaggle get in their car to go to "the mall" after school, like every teenager ever in a movie, but halfway through RWTG says she wants to go home instead today. Somehow TBHO, driving, is offended by this for unexplained reasons. The Gaggle literally kicks RWTG out of the car for wanting some downtime, socializing on one medium for mass teen gathering instead of another. I guess we're supposed to interpret that as cyber addiction? Anyway, RWTG walks home. Sobbing. This is the new RWTG I was talking about.

She goes home and does nothing on the computer, like a regular teen, then goes downstairs to her perfect family dinner where Her Mom asks her children about their days at a sit-down table in a uselessly spacious house. RWTG compulsively checks her Cliquester and finds her profile has been hacked! She stays at least a yard away from her computer upon finding out. It might bite and infect her with the hacked. Her Mom investigates, is told what's happened, and decides to take a more active role in her daughter's life.

What's worse, she's been called a slut and a whore. Remember when she laughed off "Lardo?" Well that's not coming back, we're in real territory now. "Taylor Slutridge" is so much more emotionally devastating, obviously. RWTG goes to the bathroom and pants heavily. She basically looks like somebody who is going cold turkey on heroin. It's like that bathroom scene in All That Jazz, but much less snappy or meaningful.

She comes back into her room, where Her Mom has been perusing the site, just to whine. Her Mom tells her that the site is evil, which is true because it is basically designed for trolls and it has "clique" right in the name. And all this after only a day! (Even though we've seen her leave school like 3 times now.) Her Mom says to delete the account, which isn't good advice in general but since RWTG is taking the slightest slight so poorly I'm gonna say it's a good call. But nothing happens, because Her Mom isn't strict enough!

Also, despite being an aspiring journalist or poet, the best insult she could think of was "ur nasty and a bitch."

RWTG comes home from school (again,) and it turns out her little brother is the one who hacked her account. Her Mom, however, is angry at RWTG too, because of her "ur nasty and a bitch" comment. She grounds her for breaking her rules to the internet. Remember those, from Act I? Well this rule isn't one of them. "Don't be insulting or rude on the internet." Arbitrary and constantly changing rules is the key to good parenting. It makes your kids trust your authority.

She goes back to Paddignton High, and The Gaggle informs her that literally everybody in high school has been singlemindedly devoted to destroying RWTG's self-confidence for three days straight. She demands to see her profile on TBHO's phone, please baby, please, just one more hit of that sweet Internet, but TBHO isn't having any of it.

She goes to the one class we've ever seen her go to, and somebody else is also being cyberbu//ied. But it's different, because she's Rich White Teen Girl and the somebody else is gay, so when he gets insulted for being "Too Gay To Live" it's actually true, also he doesn't have emotions. Wow, RWTG really deserves this.

Anyway, this is supposed to be about the act structure so I'll just say bad shit keeps happening and RWTG just keeps taking it more seriously. Eventually Blackie disowns her for being social poison, although I like to imagine it's because she's tired of dealing with drama nobody else actually spends so much time obsessed with.

ACT III - THE RESOLUTION

Act 3 begins mid-montage, so you know the writers know what they're doing. RWTG goes home again, because there's only like 4 sets. Our perspective switches to the true main character, Her Mom. RWTG walks right through the scene and we linger on Her Mom, as a passing of the torch. Her Mom gets a call from Her Dad, I think, and is made aware of what's been happening to RWTG (I thought she was already?) Her Mom is concerned, and decides to take a more active role in her daughter's life.

She goes upstairs and actually watches her pathetic husk of a once-daughter as she sobs and deletes her account at Her Mom's request. At this point it is apparent how much of a cyber junkie RWTG has become, with her half-coherent ramblings about comments and deathly palor.

We cut to one of her main tormenters, posting a rude comment on her wall. Pan back, and... IT WAS THE BROWN-HAIRED ONE ALL ALONG!

Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense! Is she a psychopath? Is it because she was called a "brat" in Act I? Is she jealous? Is it a kismeisitude thing? It's never explained. No attempt is made.

I'm not going to cover the next scene because nothing important happens. She tries to reconnect with her father on her internet-enabled cell phone that she was not grounded from.

Her Mom goes to the principal looking for help, because she's the new main character. The principal gives what is essentially the old "my hands are tied" speech, only the writers fuck it up because he makes some valid points but is presented as a strawman.

RWTG circumvents Her Mom to get her next hit of the super HIGH-way. They're still insulting her. Look, you realize that stupid teen drama is an opt-in thing right? If you hate it so much, you can just assosciate with different people or laugh it off like you did in Act I.

Then blah blah blah, some more shit happens that belonged in Act II, and the TBHO disowns her. She's all alone now, and I am getting really tired of dissecting this movie.

Finally, after another 6 minutes, she has hit rock bottom. She has nothing left. She goes home again and watches a ridiculous video about her that her cyberbu//ies scripted, directed, and overall orchestrated, in a fashion exactly reminiscint of nothing in the real world, ever. Then, she sobs for like 3 minutes straight about this shitty, shitty video.

It's apparently the final straw, too. The movie reaches its apex and climax as she posts a live video suicide note to Cliquester. TBHO sees the video and a single tear runs down her face. TBHO coordinates an effort between herself and The Mom to save her, and it turns out they have a lot of time because RWTG is still too mentally immature to get the child safety cap off the bottle of pills she plans to kill herself with. You would think that would be a hint that you should understand you also don't have the mental faculties to decide if anybody, even yourself, lives or dies, but whatever. She's gone into a fit of cyberhysterics from her cybermadness. She breaks down crying in the fetal position, cradled by Her Mom, surrounded by everybody even remotely on her side.

It's a fitting end to her character arc, that fufills all the promises laid down in Act I and draws out the conclusion of the plot laid down in Act II. All in all, a bad film, but nobody can say it didn't have any proper act str — wait, it keeps GOING?!

ACT IV - LIKE, AN EPILOGUE OR SOMETHING?

So now comes the part where I can't even tell you what the fuck is supposed to be happening during the Act. I guess it's supposed to function as a sort of epilogue. It shows RWTG in the hospital, alive and recovering from mental disstress is. TBHO externalizes her repentence for using a puppet account to torment her best friend, which she didn't have any reason to do in the first place unless she's schizophrenic.

When RWTG gets back home, she is dead weight. Her Mom signs her up for cyberrehab, or "e-hab," and decides to take a more active role in her daughter's life.

Her Mom gets printouts of screenshots of the Cliquester site and begins to dig up dirt on who the male bully (who is secretly TBHO) really is, because she caught onto it being a puppet. It's a dead end. Then she goes to the main female cyberbu//y and confronts her father, an attorney and also a single parent. Why are there no double parents in this movie? Anyway, she tells him his daughter has been bullying her daughter, and he refuses to believe her and basically paints his daughter as an angel. But he's not the douche in this scene, oh no. The movie, it turns out, is actually advocating we overturn the Constitution to avoid hurting any more Rich White Teen Girl's feelings. Herr Mom sneers at the attorney's "1st Amendment" defense of his daughter's right to speak her mind, which is an entirely valid point. After all, if you banned this sort of thing, what's stopping that same law from turning around and smacking, say, people who make political cariactures, with jail time? It's basically the same thing as what the video did, only towards a public — and influential — figure. But somehow, the politicians persevere, in spite of the mockery they recieve for having last names like "Wiener." Herr Mom is probably regretting letting RWTG go more unrestricted on the baleful storms of the Internet, as evidenced by multiple incidents in which she decides to double down on restrictions, but it is this very attitude that actually led to all her problems. By not acclimitizing her daughter to the Internet from an earlier age, by not gradually doling out responsibilities or rewards, by trusting that maturity was simply a linear progression that advanced at the same rate no matter what, she virtually ensured a flipout or failure of some kind when she let her daughter have so much freedom and power all at once.

So that was about a 45 second scene, yeah.

The little brother is somehow appointed by Herr Mom to be the ultimate vangaurd of his older sister. Those of you that think a 12 year old couldn't possibly babysit a suicidal 17 year old, congratulations, you didn't write the movie. Indeed, he proves to be an enabler and actually hands RWTG her laptop. He set a dangerous precedent earlier by fetching her a glass of water. That's when Herr Mom comes home and, wait, what is the point of any of this anyway? Didn't we sorta make the point of the story when she tried to commit suicide? Are we going to get to see the next twenty years of their life?

ACT V - REPARATIONS

At this point, you and I both are tired of this movie's bullshit.

Herr Mom is taking RWTG to e-hab. It's a struggle, but she gets RWTG to at least go there. Hey, remember the gay dude waaaaay back in Act II that RWTG just didn't care about? He's there too, but now... now she understands his plight. Whatever.

Herr Mom decides to take a more active role in her daughter's life and tries to get some kind of law enforcement officer involved. Local? State? Hard-Boiled Private Eye? SWAT? It's never specified. Regardless, they can't help because there's no laws against being a jerk. So Herr Mom decides she's not going to let this minor setback deter her, and to take a more active role in her daughter's life.

Back to the e-hab, which at this point is more like a vestigal subplot, and nothing happens except the movie tries to be achingly relevant to the issues of today.

Then some more nothing happens with TBHO and Creepo, I don't care.

Then some more nothing happens with RWTG and Her Dad, which has been a subplot this entire time but there has been no reason to care about the whole "single parent" plot the whole time.

Ah, but then Herr Mom comes in, and the movie becomes unabashedly "things we wish our disrespectful kids would say to us." Transcription:



And the scene ends with a tearful embrace. The bathos is so thick you can't even ladle it on, because you can't get the ladle to even penetrate the surface.

Then TBHO finally confesses her double life to RWTG: She's actually Batman. No, it's the whole Cliquestep second profile thing. And here we were thinking the plot was on the upswing! The resolution! Nope, we couldn't have wrote this complication to arise and be resolved at the same time as all the others. It's special, it gets its own act.

ACT VI - MORE BULLSHIT

TBHO confesses to her family, who aren't important. RWTG goes back to e-hab. Back to TBHO, who cries for 2 minutes of no plot development. I can't believe I'm clamoring for the exciting adventures of Herr Mom. TBHO tries to be sassy and self-confident on the internet while sobbing in real life, and fails entirely.

Nothing happens.

Herr Mom Goes To Washington, in order to push her anti-internet legislation to her senator. The senator makes a lot of good points, such as "I don't want to try to legislate the Internet," or "They do have delete buttons on the internet," but is painted as a strawman villain for not understanding that the Internet is teenager's LIVES.

By the way, when did the Internet become something only high schoolers used?

Then more nothing happens.

RWTG comes home and says she doesn't want to give up on getting a law passed. Something has to be done. For once, RWTG has decided to take a more active role in her mother's life.

ACT VII - THE RESOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED

RWTG and Herr Mom go to the newspapers, but they don't want to run a sensationalist story about the dangers of the internet. Which newspaper is this? Narnia Weekly?

Hey, unrelated, but what happened to the lead Cyberbu//y chick and Blackie and the little brother? Does Blackie ever forgive RWTG for... whatever it is she was mad about? Did the Cyberbu//y chick become a sketch comedy superstar?

Anyway, the newspaper editor begins either interrogating or psychoanalyzing TBHO, neither of which is his job, but TBHO can't really explain why she did what she did because it doesn't make any fucking sense and nobody can even pretend it does, not even the writers. TBHO literally had nothing to gain and no motivation. In fact, in every instance we see her alone, she shows the utmost earnest concern for RWTG, so her actions run directly counter to her motivations and feelings.

Then another few agonizing minutes of basically no progression at all. TBHO is repentant, RWTG forgives her, and she's ready to go back to school and be bamboozled by like a month of late work. Also, I haven't mentioned but the colors have been steadily getting drabber the whole movie and in this scene it's all gray but one of the actors decided "fuck art direction" and went with a hot pink tracksuit. The colors resurge in the first scene back at Paddington High, which is like, congrats guys, you understand elementary color usage. Now learn to write.

Then, together, RWTG and TBHO stride into the lunchroom (why is lunch their first period?) and tell the cyberbu//ies off in a final stirring speech about how "you think you're funny but you're really not" and then everybody in the school lunch stopped what they were doing and listened as she dropped some knowledge and everybody else thought she was really cool and people started standing up and telling the mean bu//ies off and it was so cool and then everybody in the entire school applauded and the mayor gave me a medal for being so awesome and then all the bu//ies died in a fire in a hole and then and then Quasimodo grew wings and flew off into the sun

...

All the wasted years weeks! I could have been watching cinematic masterpieces like this one all this time!

So yeah, I'm gonna try to make it next Saturday. What are we watching?

Also it sounds like you guys got a visit from hristy. Isn't he just great?

[Lieutenant Fish]

Actually, despite enjoying all the Hristy threads on these boards, producing an entire album about gamerdater.com, and diligently urging TF2 players to check it out, we've never interacted with any of the gamerdater crew directly. I am not sure if that's good or bad. We don't have any plans for next week yet.

Speaking of which HEY YO any ideas?

[Loather of Irk]

YES

Cool Dog, Karate Dog, and the Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation

[Lieutenant Fish]

That's an excellent set of movies, I want to run it, and I'm pretty sure it'll be approved by the other members of the Council. However, a Themed Night like that takes a good deal of time to wrangle. A week where we catch up on some movies we already obtained for the show but didn't end up using should by us time. Look forward to Dog Movies Night some time in the future, hopefully.

[Sprak]

OK, so, we really need to nail down a time frame for We-Slay sessions if we're gonna do them. So, for those of you who are into that, could you please let us know if/when you're free for a while on Sunday and what time you're free, preferably including your timezone.

[SquirrelPants]

I'm interested but I don't have a character sheet, but also I seem to be off this Sunday so I'm available all the time. :3

[Dalmationer]

I'm interested but I don't have a character sheet, but also I seem to be off this Sunday so I'm available all the time. :3

Build one!! :3

I would prefer to do it at like anything after 1 PM GMT, because that gives me ample time to not fall asleep. :3

[Lieutenant Fish]

It looks like I'll be traveling tomorrow, and traveled for several weeks afterwards. This will impact my abilities to run and participate in streams a good deal! Sorry!

[Dalmationer]

It looks like I'll be traveling tomorrow, and traveled for several weeks afterwards. This will impact my abilities to run and participate in streams a good deal! Sorry!

Oh nooo! Will you be able to stab dragons to death with us?

[Lieutenant Fish]

Probably, that's just a matter of being able to use skype at the right time, which shouldn't be too hard.

[Sprak]

OK, so, I've got company at the mo, and I'm not gonna be able to get away with shutting myself in for hours on end two days in a row, so I'm pretty much not gonna be able to do tonight's show either. I am really sorry to have to cancel like this. If any of our regulars feel like pinch hitting for us, that would be wonderful, just make sure to post here ahead of time so everyone knows where to go, and we'll link you on the twitter and everything.

[WillyDeWulfe]

Ok I don't know if I can actually watch this week (and since there might not even be a stream anyway I guess that's ok) because of a play that runs every year I am being forced to go to. I have seen this thing at least 6 times and performed in it one year. It gets old after the third time. Real old.

Enough about my problems, lets talk about Robot Jox.

According to my uncle, Robot Jox is the worst movie ever made, period. I think it has something to do with all the nations in the world deciding to solve conflicts with a lethal robot game or something. Point is, add it to the list please. Also Megaforce. I heard that was pretty terrible too.

DO NOT confuse Robot Jox with Robot Jocks. I was warned about this extensively, though google doesn't seem to pull up the offending film.

[SquirrelPants]

Turns out I might not be able to slay dragons. I have work from 6 until 9 PM (central) so unless we can do something way before that or after it then I guess I just am not gonna be able to play.

EDIT: I was just informed that it starts at like noon for me. Never mind, false alarm! :3

[Sprak]

"you fail to find a shamrock"

"roll to see how much damage the bear's fireball does to the chair?"

[DelitaHyral]

[MacD11]

I found some movies that you guys could stream, if you DO stream any of them i would love to be a part of the stream when it happens. Im also going to post a mini-review below each movie here.

Theevan



"Theevan" is a movie by a (possible) kid who used a whole bunch of programs to create the ugliest looking 3d movie EVER MADE, i swear, this thing looks worse than the amazing bulk on the side of 3D effects. Every single person in this movie looks like they just survived a nuclear bomb and their hair is/has falling/fallen out. That or everyone got their hair shaved for no reason. not to mention the various badly moddeled/stock model characters or badly modeled and textured environments.
Also, that dragon flying animation.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror.



This movie has been reviewed before by a reviewer, but i really need to tear this film a new one as well.
Here is whats wrong with it: Horrible special effects and 3D models that look like they came out of wendyvanity's stock model folder, Almost non-existent sound editing, The camerawork is less than even what a beginner could do, The soundtrack (when it appears at all) has the most draining feeling from you as if your soul is getting sucked out of your body and put into the movie, the acting of every character is AWFUL, the sets are bland, the plot is extremely nonsensical, and EVERYTHING JUST SUCKS.

Turkish Star Wars



Like I said with the last one, a (now former) TWTG Reviewer already ripped this to shreds, but this time im just going to link you guys because its literally the best review of this out there: http://spoonyexperiment.com/turkish-star-wars/
All i am going to say myself is this: Laugh-fest.

Well, thats all for now, but im going to continue scouting for horrible movies so we can all see the worst that any kind of film has to offer.

Also, if you want a theme for this night, just call it "MacD11 Night"

EDIT:

Since it seems the OP is on vacation, if the OP is okay with it, maybe i can run this night?

If i do run it, it will be on Livestream.com, which has a chat on its pages for streams.

(sadly it caps the amount of people in a stream at 50 unless you pay money i think)

[Moronis]

We got a show this week or nay?