MSPA Fanfiction III

[frolic]

Four carapaces, one band

show spoiler

hide spoiler

It has always been the four of them. They had worked together pretty tight. Jack had been the superior of the four and the others had accepted that. They didn’t want to discuss it with someone like him. Only Draconian Dignitary would now and then make Jack change his mind about a certain subject. The only thing they never got in a fight about was the band. They played jazz and blues music. And they were good. Probably even the best.

Jack played the piano. And he was truly amazing at it. He was able to move his fingers and hands faster than the eye could really comprehend what happened, and he could truly turn his feelings into music. Both those of sadness and those of rage. Mostly the latter. And people from all over Derse came to hear his powerful solos.

The Hegemonic Brute played the double bass. It went well with his deep bass voice, and he was truly the backup of the band. Jack had a hard time not playing too fast, whenever the brute was away for one reason or another.

The Courtyard Droll played the oboe. No one really knew why and when he had started playing it, but he had talent that was for sure. He was able to just keep on playing without having to breathe and though he was mostly in the background, music wise, he was still a valued part of the band.

Lastly there was the Draconian Dignitary and his saxophone. He was a master of the instrument. Whenever Jack would start getting out of hand, the Dignitary only had to start a solo on his own, which was usually enough to cool Jack down to the right tempo. Where Jack was the one behind the upbeat jazz of the group, the Draconian Dignitary was the one behind the blues and their ballads.

Back when the kids had yet to enter the game, playing together was a simple matter. There was no real use for the agents at this point, since the armies of both sides weren’t great enough for anything to happen. Back then it was a simple 9-5 job and the four of them practiced pretty much every night, and played in the club every Saturday. That changed when the kids entered the session.
They were still able to practice often, but it was more difficult to keep it in a schedule when the agents where often send on critical missions, and Jack having to do the paperwork.

Then Jack conquered the ring.

And the Hegemonic Brute fell on the battlefield.

The Droll was the one that took the loss the hardest. He was the only one that seemed to truly care, but of course he knew better than that. The other two missed him as well, which was shown as they held a small ceremony for the brute. It wasn’t grand. There were hardly any people left on Derse. But it was public for the few that were still there, and the three men played for their fallen comrade. Jack of course took off his ring. Nobody was able to tell he was the Sovereign Slayer.

The tried playing a couple of times after that, but it didn’t work well. Without the brute to hold the tempo, Jack went too fast, the dignitary too slow and the droll hardly knowing what song they were playing. Jack once tried to play the double bass himself using the tentacles the ring had granted him but it didn’t work. And when the final prototyping happened, Jack’s rage was so great it was hard to play with him anymore.

The droll was the next to fall. He too had a small ceremony but this time they didn’t play. Both Jack and the dignitary knew the droll would’ve been sad if he had known, but there was nothing they could do. Jack didn’t even attend the ceremony as he was too busy wreaking havoc. He had stopped playing the piano long ago, though you could still on quiet nights hear the sound of a saxophone in the streets of Derse.

Finally the draconian dignitary fell. Even Jack had a hard time recognizing the arch agent, but he knew it was him. It had to be with that carapace. It had taken a ridiculous amount of damage he could see. The body was covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe. He had taken sixteen shots from what looked like a harpoon gun, some even still in the body, and judging from the burn marks he had taken some powerful spells head on. Jack wondered if that was what had taken him down, but it didn’t matter. The last of his agents was dead. Soon the kids would come for him.
He returned to his tower and went down towards the basement. He locked himself into a room not too close to the bottom but not too far either. It was a simple door in the middle of the hall. Nobody would suspect it to hold some of the things dearest to the slayer of the black king and queen.

Inside stood four instruments, nicely placed in a circle so those who played could easily look at each other. The double bass was now covered in dust and it was easy to see the oboe hadn’t been used for some time either. The piano was also getting a bit dusty; however the saxophone was still in prime condition. It hadn’t been long since it had last been cleaned. Jack wasn’t surprised. The dignitary had always taken great care to his instruments, both the ones he played music with and the ones he fought with.

Jack shut the door behind him and sat down at the piano. Testing it a little he could hear it was still in tune, and so he decided to do something he hadn’t dreamt of doing for the longest time.

Jack took off the ring and put it on the piano. Even if someone heard him he could take out whoever it was. Only the trolls and the kids would be problematic to fight without the ring. He put his hands to the keys, and then he started playing. He put all of his feelings into it; however the rage soon ran out and instead he played using his sorrow and the happiness he had felt back when they had all played together. The music was wild, yet still sad. Soon it was upbeat; soon it was slowed to almost a halt. He played for a long time. He didn’t know how long, he wasn’t the knight of time or some shit, but for long enough. When he was done sat there for a while, looking into nothing. He got up from the chair he had been using and started to clean all the instruments.

When he was done he left the room and locked it. He put the key away, to get rid of it later, and put on his ring.

As long as he was Jack Noir he would miss them. Hegemonic Brute, Courtyard Droll and Draconian Dignitary. But as the Sovereign Slayer, he would not remember. He would be too full of rage.

It was the only thing he could do not to cry.

you guys. You guys. How is it that only like two people have commented on this? This tugged at my heart with small fingers. Jack with feelings is the best ever.

fuhh I think that this is before I started reading along but muhh

My Future Self and Me

Part 4: Tomfoolery

show spoiler

hide spoiler

At some point, John had a conversation that began as such:

CG: HEY JOHN.
CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN.
EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

And ended thusly:

EB: so talk to you in the future i guess.
EB: jerkface.

And of course, “our” John, Johnsprite, the John that is supposed to be the protagonist of this story but ends up playing co-star, immediately knew when this conversation had reached its conclusion. And he began a conversation that has not yet been shown.

First time for everything, right?

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

ghostyTrickster began pestering carcinoGeneticist

GT: hey karkat!
CG: WHAT.
CG: I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW ME IN THIS TIMEFRAME.
GT: well, “i” don’t...
GT: but you’re not speaking to the present version of me!
CG: WAIT.
CG: SO YOU FINALLY FIGURED OUT THIS WHOLE TIME-TRAVELING IM CLIENT THING?
GT: umm no
GT: my chat isn’t traveling through time, i did!
GT: notice my chumhandle........
GT: my new text color........
CG: WAIT.
GT: he’s getting it....
CG: YOU DIDN’T.
GT: i did.
CG: YOU SELF-PROTOTYPED.
GT: yep!
CG: OH GOOD GRIEF
CG: I DEVELOP AN INKLING OF RESPECT FOR YOU AND YOU GO AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
GT: hey, it was either this or get left behind in a doomed timeline.
GT: i’ll take a hit on the karkat respectometer over total annihilation any day.
CG: I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE ME THERE.
GT: this also means you have a copy of me who remembers your disastrous attempt at love-hate.
CG: OH GOG.
CG: YOU WOULDN’T.
GT: i wouldn’t dream of it.
GT: plus, there’s no way past me could stand the necessary romance exposition.
CG: TRUE.
CG: PAST YOU IS EXTREMELY THICK.
GT: how about let’s end this here before you get even heavier handed with the insults and i end up blocking you out of sheer awkwardness.
GT: sound good?
CG: YEAH I GUESS.

ghostyTrickster ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist

Meanwhile, a few hours into the future, Davesprite actually did figure out the whole time-traveling IM client thing. Building on the successive breakthroughs of the Davesprite before him and the progress he made before the prototyping, he had finally gotten a reasonable mockup of Trollian working.

And now it was time to make a few select calls.

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

turntechGodhead began trolling gallowsCalibrator

GC: >
TG: hey there terezi
GC: WH4T TH3 CR4P
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3
GC: 1 H4V3NT 3V3N T4LK3D TO YOU Y3T
TG: lets just say the future just pulled a mean double reacharound
TG: on all of us
GC: 4LR1GHT
GC: BUT FROM WH4T 1V3 H34RD YOUR T3XT 1S D3L1C1OUS C4NDY 4PPL3 R3D
TG: sorry
TG: youll have to settle for orange creamsicle
GC: BUT NOW 1TS
GC: FFFF 1 W4S GO1NG TO S4Y TH4T
TG: remember you are talking to the ninjaing MASTER
GC: 1LL K33P TH4T 1N M1ND
GC: SO W4S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG 3LS3
GC: OR D1D YOU JUST COM3 H3R3 TO T4UNT M3
TG: yeah there was one thing
TG: you were going to send john to his doom in the denizens lair
TG: dont
GC: R1GHT
GC: 4ND WH4T 1F 1 D3C1D3 TO DO TH4T 4NYW4Y
TG: then the four of us from my timeline are screwed six ways from saturday
TG: so for our sakes please dont do that anyway
GC: R1GHT
GC: 1LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T

gallowsCalbrator ceased trolling turntechGodhead

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

turntechGodhead began trolling grimAuxiliatrix
TG: hey
TG: youre that one thats interested in rose right
GA: Yes
GA: How Did You Get This Handle
TG: nothing special just
TG: keep doing what you were going to be doing
TG: carry on nothing to see here

turntechGodhead ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix

GA: ...
GA: What A Strange Boy

Ok. That was both notable trolls taken care of for the time being. Now he just had to-

gallowsCalibrator began trolling turntechGodhead

Oh what now.

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

TG: what
TG: we just finished talking what is it
GC: 4CTU4LLY TH1S 1S F4R FLUNG FUTUR3 T3R3Z1
GC: 1 C4LL3D TO T3LL YOU SOM3 W31RD STUFF 1S H4PP3N1NG TO TROLL14N
TG: yeah thats a side effect of operation not screw everything up
GC: YOUR3 CH4NG1NG TH3 P4ST?
GC: 4GA1N?
GC: 1 W4RN3D YOU 4BOUT DOOM3D T1M3L1N3S BRO
GC: 1 TOLD YOU DOG
TG: yeah dont worry
TG: knight of time in a long line of past self knights of the times
TG: i know what im doing
GC: YOU KNOW TH4T DO1NG TH1S W1LL G3T YOU 4LL K1LL3D
TG: thats what youd think
TG: but once again
TG: dont worry
TG: weve got it all under control
GC: WHY 4M 1 NOT CONV1NC3D
TG: i dunno
TG: cuz youre an indecisive broad i imagine
GC: TH4T T34RS 1T
GC: 1T R34LLY 1S YOU
TG: you doubted me for a second i am scandalized madam
TG: but anyway
TG: i gotta go and make sure jade gets in
TG: without screwing it up like last time
GC: GOOD LUCK D4V3 >
TG: thanks
TG: k bye

turntechGodhead ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator

I still really like this a lot. A ton, even. A whole ton of like that is very expensive. I had sort of assumed that this was only going to be four parts but I guess i was mistaken. I guess that goes to show that what they say about assumption is right.

[Sushi Database]

How about a memo between Jasper, Nepeta, Bro, and Grampa? That'll be a real nub slapper.

Other than Jaspers, this will be happening in NDP. ...admittedly not for a while, though.

[Kerensky287]

Bleh, the only person who commented on Hearthcrossed Chapter 1 was crazy mindreader Graven_Image... probably because 1) ludicrous crossovers aren't a terribly original or engaging idea and 2) crossovers that include Pure Pwnage probably aren't looked upon favourably. Oh well. I don't care.

Hopefully I wrote the dialog here well enough that Firefly fans will enjoy this chapter, at least.

Hearthcrossed

Chapter 2

show spoiler

hide spoiler

"Something wrong, Cap'n?"

The voice snapped Captain Malcolm Reynolds out of his reverie. He had been staring out Serenity's cockpit window at the picturesque view of the planet Persephone's northern hemisphere.

"Oh, uh... sorry, Wash. Nothing wrong. Just... watching."

"What, y'don't trust my ability to take us in? Because if you want, you can feel free to try-"

"No, it's okay, I know better than to doubt my pilot. Steady as she goes, I guess." Mal turned slightly to leave.

Wash spoke up quickly to stop him. "Mal, something's wrong, isn't it? You look all... gunslingy. Like you're ready to shoot the next problem that crops up. Like you're EXPECTING to shoot the next problem that crops up."

Mal smiled back. "Come on, now. When's the last time a job went completely smoothly? Gotta be ready for trouble. It'll find you either way." He adjusted his coat and continued. "But you have a point. Something about this isn't sitting right with me. It's all too... convenient, you know? Like everything IS going to go smoothly. Except it can't. It never does."

"I can break orbit if you like," Wash replied, "we've already gotten the first half of the payment, and we've got enough fuel to keep flying for at least another few weeks."

"Bad idea."

Both men turned at the new voice. "River!" Mal said, "Didn't hear you come up." Everyone in the room knew the statement was redundant. If River Tam didn't want to be heard, she wouldn't be.

"They got hold of us while we were out in the black. No traceable source. None of our contacts have information. They found us once, they can find us again if we run. And besides," she said, completely deadpan, "stealing is wrong."

Mal and Wash looked at each other. Apparently River was on one of her more lucid days. Hopefully that was a good thing. "You heard the girl, Wash. Keep us on course. Anything goes wrong..."

"I gotcha, Cap'n. I'll call you if I need you. Everything goes as planned, we break atmo in 5."

"Thanks, Wash. I'm gonna go find the rest of the crew, plan to have a discussion once we land. Coming, Albatross?"

River grinned slightly at Mal's nickname for her. "Family meeting. I'll be ready in the living room."


-----

The entire crew of the good ship Serenity was gathered in her cargo hold. The entire crew that was present, at least. Of the nine who counted themselves among Serenity's "family", two were away on business - Shepherd Book had temporarily returned to his monastery, and Inara Serra had an extended work arrangement. The remaining seven had taken on this job as quick and easy money. The request had come out of nowhere and the details were simple enough.

The ship had landed with no complications, at a landing site 10 kilometres away from the agreed-upon meeting point, and several hours earlier than the meeting was to take place. Later on, the crew of Serenity would drop off some unidentified cargo (as most customers preferred the "no questions asked" kind of transaction), receive the rest of the payment, and go on their merry way.

It was going all too well and tensions were mounting.

"They never pay half up front, Captain. You know that." Zoe, Wash's wife, was standing, arms folded across her chest. She and Mal had gone through the war together, and on the ship she held the unofficial positions of both second-in-command and advisor.

"I know. That's why I called this meeting - we need to take extra precautions. Now's a good time to look around the area, catch any potential snags, and deal with them before it all goes down. Jayne, Zoe and I will handle that. We picked Persephone as a neutral meeting spot, so the folk we're dealing with ain't from around here - they'll probably be flying in, too. Wash, I need you in the cockpit watching for signs that they're arriving - any notice will help." Wash nodded. "Everyone else, stay with the ship. We don't know what to expect, so be ready for anything. 'Specially you, Doc, somebody gets hurt, we'll need you ready to go."

Doctor Simon Tam, River's elder brother and , raised his hand slightly as he responded, as if to ask a question. "...If we're so worried about this, why are we still doing it? Why have we landed? I'm no expert on this sort of thing, but aren't we sort of sitting ducks out here?"

Zoe answered the question for Mal. "We still don't know that anything's going to go wrong. We want to appear friendly. If we show up looking for trouble, we'll have a better chance of finding it than if we look like we're just trying to do our job."

"That's right," Mal said, "and 'sides, even though it FEELS too convenient, we've still got your sister here, and she's done a good job in the past of warning us before matters went pear-shaped. Anything I should know, Albatross?"

River was staring into space. "No ripples on the pond. Too many fish to see the bottom, but the bottom isn't what I'm looking for."

There was silence for a moment. Jayne Cobb, the "muscle" of the group, spoke up. "The hell's that supposed to mean, Moonbrain?"

"I'll let you know if I catch any fish. Or if any fish try to catch me."

"Deal," Mal said with a note of finality. "Alright, let's get going. Zoe, Jayne, with me. The rest of you... uh, look busy."

And so everyone did as they were told.

And River went directly to her room.

-----

Landed safely. Can't start nest building, tree is too crowded. Help?

River sent the message to her mysterious contact from the extranet terminal in her room. The same mysterious contact who had initiated the job the crew was working on. She new how suspicious it seemed. She knew she should have been more careful. But this felt safe. It felt right.

And that was why she was doing her very best to get everyone else off of Serenity.

Her instructions were very simple: Make sure that the ship landed. Send everyone else away. Install certain applications on her terminal.

And eventually begin the game.

Chumhandle. A pseudonym. River thought for a moment. She then entered xiaoTeng. Little Dragon, in Mandarin.

SBURB Server Copy. Installing. Done. Now to find a client. Now or later. Later would be better. Don't want to risk snooping. Can't wrap a gift when the birthday boy is watching.

River hoped the mystery people would hurry up. This gift wasn't going to wrap itself.

-----

"Mal, just got a wave. It's from our business partners. They want to talk to you in person."

"Thanks, Wash. Zoe, Jayne, I guess you heard that - I'm heading back. Keep doing what you're doing, I'll grace you with my presence again 'fore you know it."

-----

"Trouble? What sort of trouble?"

"Our ship encountered... uh, Reavers, Captain Reynolds. We were lucky to make it out alive. As it is, we are in great need of medical assistance and our ship is held together by... uh, gum and prayers. If you... uh, have a doctor onboard? And perhaps an able-bodied mechanic? We would greatly appreciate if you could, uh, help us. We will of course compensate you for your time."

"If y'don't mind me sayin', that sounds mighty suspicious. What sort of guarantees do you offer?"

"You might just see for yourself once we land. Our entire crew is, uh, unarmed. We mean no trouble. Just a friendly encounter. We come in peace."

"Mind if I call you back?"

-----

"Hey moonbrain, open up." An angry voice. An angry mind. Simple, but focused. Jayne. Jayne is a girl's name. Jayne is not a girl.

River opened the door. Jayne's head said the plan had changed. Jayne's face said he didn't like the new plan. "News from the Cap'n," Jayne said. "The folks we're dealing with need more help than they asked. Kaylee's goin' to fix their boat, your brother's goin' to fix their people. Wash has gotta take 'em over, and so that means I'm -"

"Babysitting." River's face held no surprise. Just her usual disconcerting oogle.

"I'm... staying around here. Captain wants me to look after Serenity. And you. He don't want you to break nothin'. So, uh, don't."

"I promise I won't break anything."

"Good. I'm goin' to the cargo bay."

River watched him leave. Felt Wash and the others leave. Two people left on the ship. Good enough for now. She retreated back to her room, booted up her terminal, and smiled as she saw a message flash on her screen.

One new friend invitation.

-----

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

tehPwnerer began pestering xiaoTeng.

tP: sup.... u a noob or wat
xT: ??
tP: k look teams kinda suck lol... but thats liek the game rite
tP: need teams... i dont really got a choice...
tP: so liek
tP: try to liek... turn down the suck, rite...
xT: Is English too hard to speak? I am fluent in Mandarin as well.
tP: lol wut
xT: Or am I going to have to sort through your half-language for the duration of this game?
tP: omg just go
tP: gl hf
tP: get started
tP: so liek i dunno how to play yet but im liek uber pro so
xT: You are a lighthouse with no bulb. Not very useful, I can't see the shore.
tP: omg
tP: go
tP: gogogogogo
tP: dont care about ur bullshit noobsp33k
tP: ur host rite... connect already
xT: We need to make a house and your blocks are too round.
xT: You have to flip them.
xT: Turnways.
tP: FUCK
tP: GO ALREADY
xT: I'm going. But if we are going to build this house you need to be a better block.
tP: fuck this game isnt liek the sims or some boring shit... rite
tP: cuz i got better stuff 2 do then make a bathroom for my ppl
tP: liek i kinda wanna get this over with and play some cod4
xT: Connected. Let's see how long before this tower collapses.

Again, I'd love any criticism, positive or negative. If it sucks and I should give up, tell me so I don't waste my time! I won't be offended. Seriously. I spent most of today thinking "This is stupid, why am I doing this," but I did it anyway because I'm a sucker for punishment like that.

River Tam and the crew of Serenity are from the tragically cancelled television show Firefly, which you should watch if you haven't already.

Next chapter's going to deal with Jeremy's introduction to the game, and hopefully there will be some setup for the third character in this retarded crossover. I'm planning on including 4 distinct fictional universes, including the 2 already introduced.


Side note, DAMMIT Graven stop being so much of a better fanfiction writer than me. Though I suppose that isn't really much praise, it's like saying that you're a much better swimmer than a large boulder.... still, I can't resist a good What-If fic and your futureselves story is looking great so far. Keep it up.

[raequiem]

xT: You have to flip them.
xT: Turnways.

River reads SBaHJ?

I do enjoy this crossover, yes I do. River would be the BEST Sburber ever.

She's a Derse dreamer and completely chill with the Horrorterrors, calling it right now.

[sweetcloverandhelaljohn]

te storee of eg
by eg
(The Story of Eggs
By Eggs)

chaptor 1

show spoiler

hide spoiler

one tim i was in bikit's ovn! it was nic until crobor crowbord me
i sad ow
he said stop riping eglish's suit
bikits sad sadap cowbar
stitch neded to stith him up

i saw klovr i gav him a hi fiv and den zpadez zlik splaped my helm of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now i got to go get my eggytimer and RIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIIIIING
sry eg rng rng rg se you im bktz

-eg
-bkitz

[sebastian]

Hey, I'm trying to get the creative juices flowing, but need a hand. Can anyone suggest two characters for me to do a chatlog between?

Tavros and John? I had always been curious about how that one would go.

[flutterShy]

Hey, I'm trying to get the creative juices flowing, but need a hand. Can anyone suggest two characters for me to do a chatlog between?

Tavros and John? I had always been curious about how that one would go.

This suggestion with ToreaderTornado's name amuses me. adiosToreader and Tornado = wind = John...

[Kerensky287]

xT: You have to flip them.
xT: Turnways.

River reads SBaHJ?

I do enjoy this crossover, yes I do. River would be the BEST Sburber ever.

She's a Derse dreamer and completely chill with the Horrorterrors, calling it right now.

I'm sure that somewhere in the Firefly universe, there is a SBaHJ equivalent. I'm equally sure it appeals to River's warped sensibilities just as much as it appeals to ours! I don't know if River appreciates irony the right way though.


So I wrote up another chapter when I should've been sleeping. Hopefully that didn't negatively impact story quality.

Hearthcrossed

Chapter 3

show spoiler

hide spoiler

SBURB version 0.0.1

© SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

A SBURB host user is attempting to connect with you.

Client has established connection with host.

Press [ENTER] when ready.

:> _:

"Well, it's about time!" Jeremy said as he threw his hands into the air.

Then he hit ENTER.

And then things got weird.

-----

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

tP: holy shit did u feel that...
xT: Of course not. You can't taste through the phone.
tP: wut
xT: I'm not there. I'm here. You're there.
tP: wow liek
tP: maybe i would almost care
tP: liek what ur talking about
tP: but liek
tP: i have all this stuff now
tP: liek
tP: a sylladex
tP: a fetch modus
tP: a strife portfolio
tP: brb gotta practice my micro
xT: ??

tehPwnerer has ceased pestering xiaoTeng.

xT: And I thought I was the crazy one.

-----

Part of the startup program the SBURB client runs through is a check. A diagnostic. The essential infrastructure of the game is loaded, and the players in the session are scanned. Anyone missing these parts of the infrastructure - the inventory and equipment system, primarily - will find themselves enhanced and updated.

Enhancement in this case is strictly literal as some recipients find themselves less than thrilled at the change.

-----

Jeremy was having an absolute blast. He was thrilled at this sudden change that had come over him. He could only assume that it had something to do with the game - otherwise, why would he be so good at it already?

His sylladex was a perfect inventory - no size limit, just a quantity limit. He didn't have to worry about weight either. And the only drawback was his fetch modus - a slight complication that made it almost difficult to retrieve whatever he captchalogued. Jeremy's fetch modus was so grossly convoluted that explaining it to a n00b would take far too much time. But of course for an uber pr0 like Jeremy it took liek no effort at all and stuff.

So while a normal person would find the system impossibly restrictive, Jeremy just found that he was suddenly able to perform feats of carrying strength that he couldn't before. He had weak, noodly arms. His hands were designed to hit every hotkey at once, not lift heavy objects like groceries or anything larger than an adult terrier. But after a bit of practice, Jeremy was picking up whatever caught his fancy and retrieving it with a thought. A bit more practice, and he had fully weaponized his sylladex. He was interrupted during target practice (Mom didn't need that lamp, and the chair looked much nicer up there anyway) by a notification from Pesterchum. Right. The game. It wasn't going to pwn itself.

-----

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

xiaoTeng began pestering tehPwnerer.

xT: What are you doing?
xT: You can't walk away in the middle of a game.
xT: Broken dishes.
tP: o hey sorry bout that liek
tP: i just got liek all these game powers an stuff
tP: so figured id just pwn it up a bit, train my micro... rite
xT: Our train has left the wrong station and is on the tracks to nowhere.
tP: o i get it
tP: ur liek, an rper lol
tP: omg
tP: so were liek
tP: stuck on teh same team??
tP: i mean all this superpower stuff is all cool and everything rite
tP: but liek
tP: i dunno if i can liek, carry teh team liek this
xT: Let's start again. My name is River Tam.
xT: What's yours?
tP: im teh_pwnerer
tP: obviously
tP: it says rite up there
xT: A rose by any other name is lying.
xT: Lying to your team members won't help you win.
tP: k liek
tP: i kinda dont understand anything your saying
tP: liek at all
xT: Just tell me your rutting name before I drop a couch on you.
tP: jeremy
xT: Good enough.
tP: wut did u say about a couch
tP: WTF WHERE DID U PUT MY COUCH
xT: Upstairs in your kitchen.
xT: Breakfast in bed.
xT: Your couch looks like a good place to sleep.
xT: And how did you know it was me?
tP: duh, ur my server player
tP: teh GM
tP: u have mod powers
xT: I understand. You're blind.
tP: wtf
xT: Blind people see best in the dark.
xT: I need you to teach me to be blind like you.
tP: lol
tP: i can see fine
tP: blind ppl cant play starcraft
tP: duh
xT: Forgive me if I can't understand. I haven't learned braille yet.
xT: I'll be back soon. Practice with your fetch modus or something.
tP: lol
tP: gl hf

xiaoTeng has ceased pestering tehPwnerer.

tP: and bring my fucking couch back
tP: ...omg

-----

River's wave service notified her that she had just received a message from her contact. Naturally, this took priority over learning Jeremy's half-english.

New contact you'll want to add to your chumroll: imperatorVindico. He'll be your server player when it's your turn to enter. Speaking of which, time is of the essence. Your client is alone only for a short while longer. It is important that the client is isolated in their home at a certain stage of the game. You are the only person who can help him get there.

Frustrated, River typed out a reply.

You can't put that question on the test. You never taught it in class. You are the worst teacher ever.

-----

Left to his own devices, Jeremy quickly got tired of flinging things across the room. Taking a quick inventory of his game-given abilities, he realized that he had the option to select a strife specibus - the weapon type he would use for the rest of the game.

Instinctively, Jeremy made a mental list of what would categorize the best weapon to select.

1) It had to be available and within reach.
2) It had to actually be useful in combat. None of this "needlekind" or "clubkind" crap.
3) It had to be something that could potentially be available at higher levels for endgame equipment, ie. there had to be some epic version of the weapon.

The first problem was that there wasn't much that fit both 1) and 2) in his house. Jeremy and Kyle's mom was a bit of a nut about that. The most dangerous item around was probably a butterknife or broken glass. And naturally, Jeremy hadn't had enough game experience yet to know anything about 3).

He decided to leave his specibus unspecified for now. If he got into combat, he could always just fling heavy stuff at his opponent. It would be like Half-Life 2: Deathmatch, except fun.

His affairs in order, he decided to sit back at his computer and await River's return. Then he got bored and took out his gameboy.

-----

OPEN PESTERLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

xiaoTeng began pestering tehPwnerer.

xT: I'm back.
xT: Add this person to your chumroll: imperatorVindico.
xT: He'll be my server player, like I am to you.
xT: I don't know how much we'll all interact but it only makes sense to keep all the flowers in the same garden.
tP: k so liek
tP: wat do i do now
tP: r u supposed 2 give me a quest and stuff...
xT: I really don't know.
xT: I'm going to press buttons until it works.
xT: It may be a while. Until then...
xT: I need you to help me see in the dark.
xT: What is a noob?

I'm afraid I may have gone overboard on the River metaphors. I'm also afraid Jeremy might seem Mary Sue-ish right now (he won't be). I'm also afraid I'm overthinking it so I'm gonna stop thinking altogether.

imperatorVindico is a character from a book I read and I won't tell you guys any more than that because otherwise Graven_Image is going to guess who he is. Not because the character is particularly recognizeable but because Graven_Image is Graven_Image.

I apologize that the story is confusing right now... I'll probably go back and edit it later to the best of my abilities, but the fact is that neither Jeremy or River are characters designed to hold a story up on their own. Jeremy doesn't have the social skills required to show his depth on his own, and River is a moonbrain. I have a way to solve this problem but unfortunately it isn't something I can deal with in a single chapter - Chapter 4 should be a little easier to understand, and Chapter 5 should kill off the problems in one fell swoop.

At least I don't have to explain the weird game mechanics shit to you guys. Thank god it's a fanfiction.

[BPrinny]

So anyway I wrote a small fic a little while ago.
It's my first fanfic, so don't expect too much. It's probably a bit sad, so now you're warned.
Also, listening to 'Ace of Trump' while reading this, certanly sets a mood.

Four carapaces, one band

show spoiler

hide spoiler

It has always been the four of them. They had worked together pretty tight. Jack had been the superior of the four and the others had accepted that. They didn’t want to discuss it with someone like him. Only Draconian Dignitary would now and then make Jack change his mind about a certain subject. The only thing they never got in a fight about was the band. They played jazz and blues music. And they were good. Probably even the best.

Jack played the piano. And he was truly amazing at it. He was able to move his fingers and hands faster than the eye could really comprehend what happened, and he could truly turn his feelings into music. Both those of sadness and those of rage. Mostly the latter. And people from all over Derse came to hear his powerful solos.

The Hegemonic Brute played the double bass. It went well with his deep bass voice, and he was truly the backup of the band. Jack had a hard time not playing too fast, whenever the brute was away for one reason or another.

The Courtyard Droll played the oboe. No one really knew why and when he had started playing it, but he had talent that was for sure. He was able to just keep on playing without having to breathe and though he was mostly in the background, music wise, he was still a valued part of the band.

Lastly there was the Draconian Dignitary and his saxophone. He was a master of the instrument. Whenever Jack would start getting out of hand, the Dignitary only had to start a solo on his own, which was usually enough to cool Jack down to the right tempo. Where Jack was the one behind the upbeat jazz of the group, the Draconian Dignitary was the one behind the blues and their ballads.

Back when the kids had yet to enter the game, playing together was a simple matter. There was no real use for the agents at this point, since the armies of both sides weren’t great enough for anything to happen. Back then it was a simple 9-5 job and the four of them practiced pretty much every night, and played in the club every Saturday. That changed when the kids entered the session.
They were still able to practice often, but it was more difficult to keep it in a schedule when the agents where often send on critical missions, and Jack having to do the paperwork.

Then Jack conquered the ring.

And the Hegemonic Brute fell on the battlefield.

The Droll was the one that took the loss the hardest. He was the only one that seemed to truly care, but of course he knew better than that. The other two missed him as well, which was shown as they held a small ceremony for the brute. It wasn’t grand. There were hardly any people left on Derse. But it was public for the few that were still there, and the three men played for their fallen comrade. Jack of course took off his ring. Nobody was able to tell he was the Sovereign Slayer.

The tried playing a couple of times after that, but it didn’t work well. Without the brute to hold the tempo, Jack went too fast, the dignitary too slow and the droll hardly knowing what song they were playing. Jack once tried to play the double bass himself using the tentacles the ring had granted him but it didn’t work. And when the final prototyping happened, Jack’s rage was so great it was hard to play with him anymore.

The droll was the next to fall. He too had a small ceremony but this time they didn’t play. Both Jack and the dignitary knew the droll would’ve been sad if he had known, but there was nothing they could do. Jack didn’t even attend the ceremony as he was too busy wreaking havoc. He had stopped playing the piano long ago, though you could still on quiet nights hear the sound of a saxophone in the streets of Derse.

Finally the draconian dignitary fell. Even Jack had a hard time recognizing the arch agent, but he knew it was him. It had to be with that carapace. It had taken a ridiculous amount of damage he could see. The body was covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe. He had taken sixteen shots from what looked like a harpoon gun, some even still in the body, and judging from the burn marks he had taken some powerful spells head on. Jack wondered if that was what had taken him down, but it didn’t matter. The last of his agents was dead. Soon the kids would come for him.
He returned to his tower and went down towards the basement. He locked himself into a room not too close to the bottom but not too far either. It was a simple door in the middle of the hall. Nobody would suspect it to hold some of the things dearest to the slayer of the black king and queen.

Inside stood four instruments, nicely placed in a circle so those who played could easily look at each other. The double bass was now covered in dust and it was easy to see the oboe hadn’t been used for some time either. The piano was also getting a bit dusty; however the saxophone was still in prime condition. It hadn’t been long since it had last been cleaned. Jack wasn’t surprised. The dignitary had always taken great care to his instruments, both the ones he played music with and the ones he fought with.

Jack shut the door behind him and sat down at the piano. Testing it a little he could hear it was still in tune, and so he decided to do something he hadn’t dreamt of doing for the longest time.

Jack took off the ring and put it on the piano. Even if someone heard him he could take out whoever it was. Only the trolls and the kids would be problematic to fight without the ring. He put his hands to the keys, and then he started playing. He put all of his feelings into it; however the rage soon ran out and instead he played using his sorrow and the happiness he had felt back when they had all played together. The music was wild, yet still sad. Soon it was upbeat; soon it was slowed to almost a halt. He played for a long time. He didn’t know how long, he wasn’t the knight of time or some shit, but for long enough. When he was done sat there for a while, looking into nothing. He got up from the chair he had been using and started to clean all the instruments.

When he was done he left the room and locked it. He put the key away, to get rid of it later, and put on his ring.

As long as he was Jack Noir he would miss them. Hegemonic Brute, Courtyard Droll and Draconian Dignitary. But as the Sovereign Slayer, he would not remember. He would be too full of rage.

It was the only thing he could do not to cry.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

I apologize for Jack having feelings, and therefore being OOC. I hope you enjoyed it, I think I might try to write more.
Never pesterlogs though. Colouring seems like such a hassle.

Jack has feelings.


Feelings that make me cry ;A;

[KilroyWasHere]

Kawa. Karkat's feelings toward Jade are much more adorable than they have right to be.

And now...

The Greatest Heroes of Earth: Part 2

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Samuel L. Jackson, star of such brilliant films as Snakes on a Plane, Pulp Fiction, and The Exorcist III, gazed down from the balcony of his home. The Knight of Space sighed, pulling his current pistolKind weapon - the Serpent's Disembarkation - from his sylladex. He looked at the volcano beneath him.

-- reptilianAeronaut [RA] began pestering sweaterProliferator [SP] --
RA: Hey bill
RA: Morgan juSt told me about our quentin problemS
RA: You know anything about it
SP: Sammy!
SP: Well I just knew you would be pestering me any minute now
SP: With the typings
SP: And the clickings
RA: Oh god bill Stop it
SP: Oh you know what I mean!
RA: YeS bill i do
RA: Now can you focuS on the matter at hand
SP: Sure!
SP: What is the matter at hand anyway
SP: Does it involve these animals we have everywhere in all our lands
RA: No
RA: Why would it do that
RA: Our conSortS arent part of thiS in the leaSt
SP: Well darn it!
SP: I really like my consorts they just want to hop and jump on me and hang around on me
RA: ThatS nice bill
RA: Now Shut up So i can Send you thiS file

reptilianAeronaut has sent sweaterProliferator file: thebigmanSplan.txt

SP: Hm
SP: Well I see!
SP: Ill get right on this Sammy and make sure you tell Morgan and Arnold I said hi
RA: YeS whatever i have a bit of a Situation here
RA: Got Some important Space Shit to do

-- reptilianAeronaut [RA] has ceased pestering sweaterProliferator [SP] --

SP: Bye Sammy!

Far away, in the Land of Mirth and Confections, a fatherly, elderly black man smiled down at his laptop. It could have been obtained anywhere. It looked alchemized, to be sure, but it had that mysterious quality computers gain when they are owned by old people for a long time.

Bill Cosby stood, closing his computer with a click. The King of Heart captchalogued the machine in his Story Modus. It could only be retrieved if he were to tell a long-winded story that had absolutely no relevance to the situation at hand. As such, it was his perfect compliment.

He smiled, revealing his smileKind Abstrata. Bill Cosby would never hurt something, even an imp or a giclops. His smile, in fact, stopped the charging imps in their tracks. They had been prototyped by all four players, and this one had a very charming sweater on. Bill smiled at it in particular as he walked down the hill.

Time passed.

The four legends of the silver screen (and one smaller screen) stood on a small platform in front of the Black King.

He looked alarmingly normal. He wore a charmingly knitted diamond-weave sweater. He held in one hand what appeared to be an Oscar award. In the other, what seemed to be a large barbell. The King's head was no longer the proper kingly head it should have had.

Now it was a giant snake.

"I have HAD IT with these motherfucking snakes in our motherfucking SESSION!" Samuel L. Jackson yelled, unleashing his recently found 2xpistolKind on the ebony monarch. Somehow, it did something...

______

They'd done it.

They beat Sburb. They had completed the Ultimate Alchemy. They had created their own universe.

The actors looked at each other. They seemed to agree on what should be done.

They opened the door...

And stepped out on Earth. The old Earth.

It seemed neater this way.

I apologize for the yellow that is Jackson's text.

Also for my lack of explanation of anything ever

This is pretty awesome! If I have that right, the session is:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Samuel L. Jackson, Bill Cosby, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Morgan Freeman. And there was something about Quentin Tarantino?

Wish I could have seen part one.

For some reason, the Jack Noir of this session has been replaced by a certain director who enjoys cameos.

[sebastian]

Hey, I'm trying to get the creative juices flowing, but need a hand. Can anyone suggest two characters for me to do a chatlog between?

Tavros and John? I had always been curious about how that one would go.

This suggestion with ToreaderTornado's name amuses me. adiosToreader and Tornado = wind = John...

Eh, I didn't even thought about that.

[JudgeDeadd]

te storee of eg
by eg
(The Story of Eggs
By Eggs)

chaptor 1

show spoiler

hide spoiler

one tim i was in bikit's ovn! it was nic until crobor crowbord me
i sad ow
he said stop riping eglish's suit
bikits sad sadap cowbar
stitch neded to stith him up

i saw klovr i gav him a hi fiv and den zpadez zlik splaped my helm of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now i got to go get my eggytimer and RIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIIIIING
sry eg rng rng rg se you im bktz

-eg
-bkitz

This reminds me why I love the RIIING account on Formspring so much. Soooo adorable.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

(of course until you realize that it's an actual tragic mental condition in real life)

[Graven_Image]

tP: wut did u say about a couch
tP: WTF WHERE DID U PUT MY COUCH
xT: Upstairs in your kitchen.
xT: Breakfast in bed.

Many lols were had. This is a good crossover, and you are a good writer of things.

As for who IV is, well, I have distressingly little to go on. But, based on the handle...

Harry Potter?

[Kassiopeia]

Oh hello there fanfiction thread. After class I am going to go back and read the entirety of this Firefly crossover because goddamn, two of my favourite things in one place? Yes please.

In the mean time here is a thing that I wrote. It was, I confess, done to procrastinate translating Plato, so its quality may be debatable. Also: I've never written fanfiction before. WHAT HAS THIS COMIC DONE TO ME. In any case: it's Rose's perspective on meeting the trolls IRL for the first time.

Contact

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Rose had not been prepared for meeting with aliens. When she was younger she had sometimes imagined meeting with beings from other dimensions, but these had always been enemies to outfox or wise intergalactic elders with lessons to impart. There was no - she pursed her lips, trying to think of the right word - there was no emotional interface.

"What's up, Rose?" said John, beside her. The cold breeze had stung his cheeks pink, and he looked for a brief moment like a kid again, all gangly limbs and gappy teeth.

"I'm simply wondering whether our supposed allies are intending to make good on their promise of rendezvous," she said. She stumbled over the words a little, frowning. It was so much easier talking through text. How did one pronounce rendezvous anyway?

"Of course they will!" said John. He was grinning with all his might. "I'm looking forward to meeting them all!"

Of course he was.

"John," she said, "I suppose you have considered that Karkat and Vriska might not be-"

The transportaliser pad hummed, a familiar electronic whine, and both the humans stepped back instinctively. Rose felt her heart skip with an excitement and joy she hadn't felt since she was a small child, and crushed the feeling immediately.

Standing on the transporter pad were two small figures. Rose's first impulse - they're so frail, so elegant - was much too embarrassing to acknowledge. No, Rose, she thought, think of this from a xenobiological perspective: gracile stature, bipedal, pale, reflective tapeta lucida - nocturnal?

"Hi guys," said John, "Um, I hope you don't mind my asking, but which ones are you?"

"Guess, fuckass," said the one on the left, a scowl wrinkling his brow under a mop of black hair. At least, it looked like a scowl. It looked like hair. Maybe their body language is different from ours, Rose thought suddenly, maybe we've been horribly misinterpreting everything-

"Karkat!" said John, "Are you really this angry in real life? This is amazing."

"Shut the fuck up," said Karkat.

"I got you a present," said John, "Because you're the movie guy." He held out a small oblong package. Oh, god, thought Rose, this wasn't part of the plan.

"What is this," said Karkat, tearing wrapping paper off with his teeth. Sharp, protruding teeth, barbed like a shark's.

Rose had always anticipated that if aliens came to earth, humanity would show them Beethoven, Michaelangelo, Shakespeare, the chocolate-caramel souffle. Not - oh god, what had John chosen? Not Sleepless In Seattle. That was not suitable. Before she could object, Karkat and John had sauntered off down the path. The sound of happy babbling punctuated with growls of annoyance soon faded, and Rose was left standing alone, with - who?

"Hello," said the troll. Her voice was softer than Karkat's, gentler, but still unmistakeably inhuman. There was a suggestion of insectile clicking. Her posture, her glowing orange eyes, the slender golden horns - all of these were terrifying, unavoidable, other.

"Hello," said Rose. She shivered, twisting her hands in her scarf. Probably the alien was thinking the same about her - that skin, those pale moving eyes, those fleshy lobed things it calls hands - or maybe it wasn't, maybe they didn't have any concept like that, maybe she was just projecting her own feelings -

"My name is Kanaya," she said, "I believe we have spoken."

Her lips were black and uncertainly curved. She looked as though she might be shaking, although - maybe that was just something trolls did? It was all right talking to Kanaya onscreen. You could pretend she was just another teenage girl. But this - the aliens smelled inhuman. Not unpleasant. But different. A cold, stone scent, like an abandoned room.

"Rose?" she said, faltering, "You are Rose, are you not?"

"Yes," said Rose. It was terrible of her to be so alarmed. So anthropocentric. But then - after the dark gods, after all that time in darkness, she supposed she had a right to be alarmed by the inhuman.

"I have so been looking forward to meeting you," said Kanaya, "I believe we can learn much from one another."

"Perhaps," said Rose, taking a step back.

Kanaya's face fell visibly. "That is, if you wish," she said, "I merely accompanied Karkat in order to supply moral support. Now that our Knight has been conveyed, I can - of course - return to the Veil. Should you prefer. I would hate to be burdensome."

Rose closed her eyes. "My apologies, Kanaya," she said, "This is all rather precipitate."

"Yes," said Kanaya, "The others seem to have adapted rather more readily. Then again, observational detachment has never been Karkat's strong point."

"Nor John's," said Rose, "It's all rather endearing. As though we were still at the stage in life where one may establish friendship by hitting another with a spade in the sandbox."

"Spade?" said Kanaya, an odd look passing over her face. It looked almost like dawning realisation. Rose made a mental note to remember this for future analysis. "I'm afraid I have never heard of your human sand box."

Rose did her best to offer an explanation of sandboxes which made no mention of buckets, and opened her eyes. Kanaya was smiling.

"Shall we return to John's house?" said Rose, "No doubt the boys will be engaged in some manner of time-wasting horseplay which it would behove us to prevent."

"Yes," said Kanaya, "We should do that."

The blackened earth of the Land of Wind and Shade seemed to open up a road before them, and the two girls made their way home through the firefly-sequinned darkness.

[chronicallyCrafty]

Contact

Kassiopeia, this is a MARVELOUS look into Rose's head. Her not knowing how to pronounce certain words in real life, her second-guessing herself about alien culture and about EVERYTHING, it's all so very perfect. This is your first fic-writing attempt? I would dearly love to see more from you in the future

[Katrika]

I really liked Contact!

[Author]

I liked Contact, and strangely I really enjoy Hearthcrossed, which I thought would be bad at first. I'll go write more eventually.

After I finish my heavily oversketched picture of Vriska and Aradia.

AND GET VRISKA♥ARADIA OUT OF MY HEAD.

CURSE YOU HEADCANON.

CUUUUUUUURSE YOU!

[ceruleanTresses]

So, after a few days of obsessive lurking on all of the fanfiction threads (all of them), I have written up something incredibly silly. It is pretty terrible in comparison to the awesome stuff I've been reading here, but I wanted to contribute somehow, so here it is! Hopefully most of its terribleness is the intentional terribleness!

Apologies if someone has done this concept already--I haven't read all of the fics yet, since there are SO MANY OF THEM J3GUS CHRIST. Also, the shift in tense in the third paragraph was intentional.

Karkat's Diary

show spoiler

hide spoiler

KARKAT'S PERSONAL GODDAMN DIARY. DO NOT TOUCH. THIS IS A DIRECT ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER.

ONE DAY KARKAT WAS REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF BECAUSE HIS TEAM WAS FULL OF STUPID GODDAMN NOOKSUCKERS WHO KEPT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER OR GET THEMSELVES KILLED ALL THE TIME, I MEAN SERIOUSLY COME ON.

HE WAS ALSO SAD BECAUSE DESPITE HOW EFFORTLESSLY HE SLUNG ABOUT VICIOUS VERBAL BARBS, THE SORT THAT CUT DEEP INTO YOUR PSYCHE AND LEAVE YOU ETERNALLY SCARRED, NOBODY SEEMED TO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY AS AN ENEMY.

NOT THAT IT WOULD HAVE MATTERED IF THEY DID BECAUSE ALL OF THEM ARE SO FUCKING STUPID THAT THEY COULDN'T POSSIBLY KEEP HIM INTERESTED ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN A LONG-TERM CALIGINOUS RELATIONSHIP.

BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE HEARD A STRANGE WHOOSHING NOISE. HE TURNED AROUND AND SAW THAT A TIME PORTAL HAD OPENED!

FROM THE PORTAL EMERGED A TROLL OF TERRIFYING HANDSOMENESS, HIS FACE TWISTED IN A VICIOUS SNARL. HIS HORNS, WHICH WERE NOT IN ANY WAY INADEQUATE, LOOMED OMINOUSLY FROM THE TANGLES OF HIS UNRULY BLACK HAIR.

YET DESPITE THE NEWCOMER'S OBVIOUS AWESOMENESS AND AURA OF LEADERSHIP, KARKAT FELT SOMETHING WELLING UP WITHIN HIM THAT HE HAD NEVER FELT BEFORE. IT WAS A HATRED SO PURE AND SEETHING THAT ANYTHING HE MIGHT HAVE HYPOTHETICALLY FELT FOR SOME THEORETICAL REPULSIVE PINK HUMAN PALED IN COMPARISON.

KARKAT KNEW THAT AT LAST HE HAD FOUND SOMEONE WORTHY OF THE OCEANS OF CALIGINOUS FEELING HE HAD TO OFFER. BECAUSE THE MOMENT HE HAD SEEN THE OTHER TROLL STEP OUT FROM THE BLINDING LIGHT OF THE PORTAL, HE HAD RECOGNIZED HIM AS...HIMSELF.

THE OTHER KARKAT SCOWLED. "HELLO PAST ME, YOU LOATHSOME PILE OF FOUR-SWEEP-OLD BEHEMOTH LEAVINGS. I TRUST YOU ARE SUITABLY AWED AND HUMILIATED BY MY PRESENCE, WHICH IS INFINITELY MORE COMMANDING AND NON-RETARDED THAN YOUR OWN. I'M YOU TWELVE HOURS FROM NOW, AND I'M ABOUT TO FUCK YOU UP ON A GALACTIC SCALE. PLANETS WILL REFORM THEMSELVES INTO FUCKING GIANT BECRATERED BONE BULGES JUST TO ASSIST WITH THE BRUTAL FORNICATION."

“OH YEAH?” KARKAT SPAT AT HIS FUTURE SELF. “YOU'RE TWELVE HOURS MORE SLEEP-DEPRIVED THAN I AM. I AM GOING TO POUND YOU INTO THE FUCKING GROUND. NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE BEEN KILLED HARDER THAN I AM ABOUT TO KILL YOU.”

“WELL I GUESS YOU WOULD KNOW ALL ABOUT GETTING PEOPLE KILLED, WOULDN'T YOU? WOULDN'T YOU THAY THAT'TH THO?” FUTURE KARKAT SHOT BACK SMUGLY.

KARKAT WINCED WITH A DELICIOUS COMBINATION OF PAIN AND PLEASURE. THE ACIDIC RAGE BUILDING UP WITHIN HIM WAS ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR. HE SMIRKED. “JUST FOR THAT, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU EVEN HARDER THAN I WAS ALREADY GOING TO. BRING IT ON, ASSHOLE.”

AND THEN THEY PUNCHED AND KICKED EACH OTHER ALL NIGHT LONG. EVERY BLOW CONNECTED PERFECTLY, EVERY STRIKE WAS EXPERTLY CALCULATED TO DEAL MAXIMUM AGONY. THE SAVAGE STRIFE WAS PUNCTUATED BY VERBAL ASSAULTS FROM BOTH SIDES, EACH ONE MORE DEVASTATING THAN THE LAST—FOR AFTER ALL, WHO COULD BE MORE QUALIFIED TO STAB AT KARKAT'S GUILTS AND INSECURITIES THAN KARKAT HIMSELF?

AT LAST THEY BOTH COLLAPSED, PANTING WITH EXHAUSTION, THEIR BLOOD OF UNSPECIFIED HUE DRIPPING FROM THEIR MANY WOUNDS. EIGHT HOURS HAD PASSED SINCE FUTURE KARKAT'S ARRIVAL, YET IT HAD FELT LIKE MERE MINUTES.

KARKAT GLARED WEARILY AT HIS NEWFOUND KISMESIS, THEN LOOKED AWAY AND ALLOWED HIMSELF A RARE SMILE. AT LAST HE HAD FILLED HIS CALIGINOUS QUADRANT. NOT ONLY THAT, HE HAD FILLED IT WITH THE BEST POSSIBLE CANDIDATE IN PARADOX SPACE.

AND THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS THAT FOUR HOURS FROM NOW, HE'D GET TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

(I SWEAR TO GOD VRISKA IF YOU ARE READING THIS I AM GOING TO BREAK OFF YOUR HORNS AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR PROTEIN SHUTE.)

So...yeah...that was a thing. Lots of credit goes to my friend Bert, who advised me on how to better capture Karkat's voice and also browbeat me into including the F word for accuracy. Also Maku, who helped me work up the confidence to post it and gave me general writing advice. They are awesome!

Edit: Thanks so much to everyone who said nice things! You guys made my day!

Edit 2: For some reason my signature isn't showing up in my oldest posts, so: Part Two, Part Three.

[mewtant-307k]

Sigmund Freud would probably have a lot to say about this.

Also I love it.

[ceruleanTresses]

Aww, thanks Mewtant! (Hopefully you were referring to mine, otherwise I would feel pretty stupid!)

[Kassiopeia]

Karkat writing quasi-erotic double entendre-filled fanfiction about his unholy hatepassion for himself? SO FANTASTIC. I love it.

[Metaflare]

Oh hello there fanfiction thread. After class I am going to go back and read the entirety of this Firefly crossover because goddamn, two of my favourite things in one place? Yes please.

In the mean time here is a thing that I wrote. It was, I confess, done to procrastinate translating Plato, so its quality may be debatable. Also: I've never written fanfiction before. WHAT HAS THIS COMIC DONE TO ME. In any case: it's Rose's perspective on meeting the trolls IRL for the first time.

Contact

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Rose had not been prepared for meeting with aliens. When she was younger she had sometimes imagined meeting with beings from other dimensions, but these had always been enemies to outfox or wise intergalactic elders with lessons to impart. There was no - she pursed her lips, trying to think of the right word - there was no emotional interface.

"What's up, Rose?" said John, beside her. The cold breeze had stung his cheeks pink, and he looked for a brief moment like a kid again, all gangly limbs and gappy teeth.

"I'm simply wondering whether our supposed allies are intending to make good on their promise of rendezvous," she said. She stumbled over the words a little, frowning. It was so much easier talking through text. How did one pronounce rendezvous anyway?

"Of course they will!" said John. He was grinning with all his might. "I'm looking forward to meeting them all!"

Of course he was.

"John," she said, "I suppose you have considered that Karkat and Vriska might not be-"

The transportaliser pad hummed, a familiar electronic whine, and both the humans stepped back instinctively. Rose felt her heart skip with an excitement and joy she hadn't felt since she was a small child, and crushed the feeling immediately.

Standing on the transporter pad were two small figures. Rose's first impulse - they're so frail, so elegant - was much too embarrassing to acknowledge. No, Rose, she thought, think of this from a xenobiological perspective: gracile stature, bipedal, pale, reflective tapeta lucida - nocturnal?

"Hi guys," said John, "Um, I hope you don't mind my asking, but which ones are you?"

"Guess, fuckass," said the one on the left, a scowl wrinkling his brow under a mop of black hair. At least, it looked like a scowl. It looked like hair. Maybe their body language is different from ours, Rose thought suddenly, maybe we've been horribly misinterpreting everything-

"Karkat!" said John, "Are you really this angry in real life? This is amazing."

"Shut the fuck up," said Karkat.

"I got you a present," said John, "Because you're the movie guy." He held out a small oblong package. Oh, god, thought Rose, this wasn't part of the plan.

"What is this," said Karkat, tearing wrapping paper off with his teeth. Sharp, protruding teeth, barbed like a shark's.

Rose had always anticipated that if aliens came to earth, humanity would show them Beethoven, Michaelangelo, Shakespeare, the chocolate-caramel souffle. Not - oh god, what had John chosen? Not Sleepless In Seattle. That was not suitable. Before she could object, Karkat and John had sauntered off down the path. The sound of happy babbling punctuated with growls of annoyance soon faded, and Rose was left standing alone, with - who?

"Hello," said the troll. Her voice was softer than Karkat's, gentler, but still unmistakeably inhuman. There was a suggestion of insectile clicking. Her posture, her glowing orange eyes, the slender golden horns - all of these were terrifying, unavoidable, other.

"Hello," said Rose. She shivered, twisting her hands in her scarf. Probably the alien was thinking the same about her - that skin, those pale moving eyes, those fleshy lobed things it calls hands - or maybe it wasn't, maybe they didn't have any concept like that, maybe she was just projecting her own feelings -

"My name is Kanaya," she said, "I believe we have spoken."

Her lips were black and uncertainly curved. She looked as though she might be shaking, although - maybe that was just something trolls did? It was all right talking to Kanaya onscreen. You could pretend she was just another teenage girl. But this - the aliens smelled inhuman. Not unpleasant. But different. A cold, stone scent, like an abandoned room.

"Rose?" she said, faltering, "You are Rose, are you not?"

"Yes," said Rose. It was terrible of her to be so alarmed. So anthropocentric. But then - after the dark gods, after all that time in darkness, she supposed she had a right to be alarmed by the inhuman.

"I have so been looking forward to meeting you," said Kanaya, "I believe we can learn much from one another."

"Perhaps," said Rose, taking a step back.

Kanaya's face fell visibly. "That is, if you wish," she said, "I merely accompanied Karkat in order to supply moral support. Now that our Knight has been conveyed, I can - of course - return to the Veil. Should you prefer. I would hate to be burdensome."

Rose closed her eyes. "My apologies, Kanaya," she said, "This is all rather precipitate."

"Yes," said Kanaya, "The others seem to have adapted rather more readily. Then again, observational detachment has never been Karkat's strong point."

"Nor John's," said Rose, "It's all rather endearing. As though we were still at the stage in life where one may establish friendship by hitting another with a spade in the sandbox."

"Spade?" said Kanaya, an odd look passing over her face. It looked almost like dawning realisation. Rose made a mental note to remember this for future analysis. "I'm afraid I have never heard of your human sand box."

Rose did her best to offer an explanation of sandboxes which made no mention of buckets, and opened her eyes. Kanaya was smiling.

"Shall we return to John's house?" said Rose, "No doubt the boys will be engaged in some manner of time-wasting horseplay which it would behove us to prevent."

"Yes," said Kanaya, "We should do that."

The blackened earth of the Land of Wind and Shade seemed to open up a road before them, and the two girls made their way home through the firefly-sequinned darkness.

Please grace us with your writing sometime again. This was amazing.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Contact and Karkat's diary, so wonderful in completely different ways. You must both write more stuff when you get the time! I know a little something about not finding the time. For example, I am not supposed to be browsing the internet ri... Oh, wait, hold on--

[Kassiopeia]

Aaaa also thank you everyone I may well write some more, although I am much more nervous about posting writing than art so it remains to be seen if I come up with anything fit to be seen.

[Bufu]

cT I'm sending you a bill for about three cracked ribs haha oh man I'm dyiiing. Karkat, seriously. problems. you have them

kass! I really enjoyed that, I always like fic where trolls have a kind of alien quality to them, and aren't just grey humans with horns. I'm strangely delighted by Rose's written vocabulary being better than her spoken vocabulary. I was EXACTLY the same as a kid and would constantly mispronounce words I'd never actually heard but learnt from books, so it really made me smile. and oh god john. you are kind of an embarrassing ambassador for the human race. sleepless in seattle, really?