MSPA Fanfiction III

[QuetzaDrake]

Pfft.

I think it is actually more likely that it's Grandpa just because the Penpal has the same text color as the sprite, and it... sounds more like Gramps. Though I still entertain the theory that the Bec side of the sprite might influence Dawgsprite's brain enough that he says things like "ADVENTURES ARE AWESOME" and whatnot.

*edit* but that's not going to stop me from writing Dawgsprite, just like Dave being blond isn't going to stop me from assuming that he's ginger. GINGER PRIDE.

My personal predictions are either Dr. Brinner or prototyped dead dream!Jade as the Penpal, although Gramps still can make sense. And yes, I always like when Bec influences whoever's affected by his prototyping, whether it's Noir or the two-tiered Sprite, always seems adorable and/or awesome. Never stop writing Dawgsprite, even if it turns out not to happen (AUs, man).

Biggest twist in homestuck won't be that bro is jade's penpal, but that bro is this big cheerful dweeb who loves adventure

Dave has just been desperately kidding himself all these years

... someone please draw this.

*e* if someone doesn't I will tomorrow 8|

Kinda wanna see a KidBro running around now going 'ADVENTUUUURE' like that one character (you know the one).

[Katrika]

Hakuna Matata (troll style)

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[Gamzee:] HaKuNa MaTaTa!
WhAt A wOnDeRfUl PhRaSe!
[Tavros:] hAKUN-,,,uH, mATATA,
aIN'T NO PASSING PHASE,

[Gamzee:] It MeAnS nO wOrRiEs
FoR tHe ReSt Of YoUr DaYs
It'S oUr PrObLeM fReE pHiLoSoPhY
HaKuNa MaTaTa!

WhEn He WaS a YoUnG wRiGgLeR
[Tavros:] wHEN i WAS A YOUNG WRIGGLER,
[Gamzee:] He FoUnD hIs RaP jAmS lAcKeD a CeRtAiN aPpEaL
He CoUlD cLeAr OpEn Mic nIgHt WiTh InNoCeNt ZeAl
[Tavros:] i'M A SENSITIVE SOUL THOUGH i, uH, sEEM TOUGH
tO BE LAUGHED OFF THE STAGE WAS VERY, uH, rOUGH

aND, uH, tHE SHAME,
[Gamzee:] He WaS aShAmEd
[Tavros:] tHOUGH OF CHANGING MY NAME,
[Gamzee:] MoThErFuCkInG nAmEs
[Tavros:] aND i, uH, lOST BETS,
[Gamzee:] WhAt WaS tHe BeT?
[Tavros:] hAD TO WEAR A BUCK-
[Gamzee:] ShIt, NoT iN fRoNt Of ThE gRuBs
[Tavros:] uH, sORRY,
[Both:] hAKUNA MATATA,
WhAt A fUcKiNg GrEaT pHrAsE
hAKUNA MATATA,
AiN't No PaSsInG cRaZe

[Eridan:] it means no wworries
for the rest of your days
it's our problem free philosophy

[All:] HaKuNa MaTaTa!

hakuna...it means no wworries
fOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS
It'S oUr pROBLEM FREE philosophy

[Kassiopeia]

Biggest twist in homestuck won't be that bro is jade's penpal, but that bro is this big cheerful dweeb who loves adventure

Dave has just been desperately kidding himself all these years

Oh my god yes

Also, BUFU WRITE MORE OF YOUR TROLLKIDS GODDAMN. You write one of the best Daves I've ever seen.
Also, "CTG: drowning in all the pain and darkness and bats contained within" made me giggle like an idiot.

[lucidSeraph]

Where the hell is that penpal letter anyway? Damn this huge archive...

[Shadow of the Lotus]

Where the hell is that penpal letter anyway? Damn this huge archive...

http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003855

[lucidSeraph]

thanks Lotus :3 /bookmarks

[raequiem]

Man I stop compulsively refreshing this thread for ONE day and look what happens.

There's trollkids. And triangles. And FUCKING LION KING.

I am so scarlet for this whole thread. 3333333

[Author]

Why Are You Still Upside Down?

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Open Pesterlog

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-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 2:27. --

TG: john
TG: john
EB: what's up dave?
EB: need some help?
TG: help?
TG: im playing this game like a fucking violin
TG: its like im some kind of fucking gameductor
TG: tellin the game what its suppose to do.
EB: well... congrats i guess????????
TG: thanks
TG: but that's beside the point
TG: i just wanted to know
TG: why the fuck
TG: are you still upside down?
EB: ...what????????
TG: fuck man
TG: dont you understand?
TG: the old gravity is gone
TG: ERASED
TG: this is a new gravity so
TG: why the fuck
TG: are you still upside down?
EB: dave did you decide to READ something recommended by rose? :::: ?
TG: yeah
TG: why?
EB: why now.
EB: just.
EB: why?
TG: well you see john
TG: sometimes lies
TG: are more dependable then truth.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 2:38. --

EB: GOG DAMMIT DAVE!!!!!!!!

You cannot compete with Ender's Game as a science fiction book.
It is simply the best there is.

[Dermonster]

I don't get it.



If I did it would probably be hilarious.

Also, holy crap I soorta leave for a day and all this piles up. SO COOL.
Hey guys guess who's Felt Ficlets made it into the tvtropes rec page with Conquest and PTSD! Also If you Missed it I have Snowmans chapter in there. Judging by the radio silence from earlier I think a lot of you missed it.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Needs more Lion King. It works too well on too many levels. Also, I would love to see Eridan talking to a giant seahorse cloud about his place in the circle of life.

Congrats, Dermonster and Quixotic! Actually, I think I saw PTSD there about a month ago, after it finished, but I can't say for sure. I try to avoid the site these days thanks to the vortex effect and all.

Man, Ender's Game. I haven't read science fiction in years.

[Kassiopeia]

Hahah, I added Conquest over there It seemed wholly deserving. (I hope that's not some kind of forum faux pas! I know nothing of these matters aaaa)

[Author]

Hahah, I added Conquest over there It seemed wholly deserving. (I hope that's not some kind of forum faux pas! I know nothing of these matters aaaa)

Dammit Kass, the first rule of TVTropes is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT TVTROPES.

The second rule of TVTropes is YOU DO NOT LINK TVTROPES.

[Kassiopeia]

Dermonster staaaaarted it :P

(but yes. That website is the mother of all timesinks, dear god.)

[raequiem]

PTSD's been up there since Chapter Three (which was, holy fuck, a few month ago now) and I flipped the fuck out when I saw it. Easily one of the coolest things that's ever happened to me (and boy isn't that sad?)

Which reminds me... Kassi, I'm putting Doomed Timeline there. Right now. You're welcome.

[Author]

I spent approximately 100 hours on there over the course of my Freshman year.

IT IS THE BIGGEST TIMESINK.

[Kassiopeia]

skdjhskjgf RAEEEE I AM UNBEARABLY HONOURED AAAA
(not gonna lie, getting something I made on TVTropes has been my life's ambition since I first started frequenting the place. FFFF )

[Quixotic]

Hahah, I added Conquest over there It seemed wholly deserving. (I hope that's not some kind of forum faux pas! I know nothing of these matters aaaa)

No man, it was awesome. That totally made my day!

[Wigmund]

Spider's We8
(Part of the Aradia Reborn series, links in sig below)

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So wh8t was it you were talking to Ar8dia a8out?
Tavros really wished his legs hadn't picked this time to glitch. He also wished he kept that damned comm in his pocket at all times.
Come on Taaaaaaaavros, tell me wh8t you two were talking a8out........
But to his credit, no one could have expected the heart-to-heart talk with Aradia. He had planned to spend the rest of the evening in bed, reading Pupa Pan.
DAMMIT TAVROS! TELL ME WH8T YOU WERE TALKING A8OUT WITH AR8DIA!
YOU WERE PLOTTING 8EHIND MY 8ACK A8OUT SOMETHING WEREN'T YOU!?!?!?!?
What was that quote Tavros had heard Rose say about all plans? Something about battlefields? He was going to ask her about it if he got through the rest of the night alive...

But that looks very doubtful right now.

He glanced down at Vriska. She was staring directly into his eyes. She had wrapped her arms around his torso and was now clawing his back. That hurt a bit. But that had nothing on the fact that Vriska's seven-pupiled eye was twitching.

That meant bad things. Plus the fact she stopped asking him anything and was now growling.

Really bad things.

umm, We were just reminiscing about the good old days back on Alternia.
grrrrrrrr?
It had been so long since we last talked to each other.
Is th8t right? You were just t8lking with her - is th8t right?
uh, Yeah. I think it was before the accidents an-
The accidents...
You two t8lked a8out the 8ccidents.
Now both eyes were twitching....out of sync...it made it hard to look at Vriska in the face.

Something Tavros knew he needed to do if he didn't want to die a horrible death very soon.
No...no
We didn't talk about the uh, unfortunate incidents.
We talked about the times before that when we FLARPed together.
Oh, 8ack when we were young and innocent.
Tavros knew he couldn't show a reaction to that. Had to stay alive.
That's right.
She started to calm down. She backed off and sat down in his desk chair.
So, you two just decided to meet up in your room after dinner to reminisce a8out the d8ys when you two were just so close.
uh...
8ack when I w8s the cr8zy 8itch th8 every one fe8red 8ec8use she w8s such a cr8zy fl8y 8road?
She got up and started to stalk around Tavros. He closed his eyes and prepared for whatever was coming.
Do you know wh8t I should do Taaaaaaaavros?
He had a good life.
It's something I should have done a loooooooong time ago.
Pity he hooked up with the crazy girl who was gonna kill him. But still...
Tavros tensed up and waited....
I should go talk to Aradia a8out the good ol' days.
We had soooooooo much fun 8ack then.
Tavros opened his eyes and saw that Vriska was over by his open door.
uhh...okay?
I think she went over to her room after leaving here.
Oh thank you Tavros. It's soooooooo nice when you are cooperative with me.
Good evening Pupa Pan.
As she left his room, she dropped his comm into the trash can by the door.

Well, shit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aradia floated back towards her room. She hummed as she went along. It had been so long since she'd been this happy.

It was a nice little trip back to her room. Apparently John and Rose's parents didn't trust housing the boys and girls in amongst each other so there were two wings of dorms where everyone slept.

Not that it actually stopped the two groups from having late night shenanigans. But maybe the two Guardians thought that the covert actions were all part of a youthful experience.

Of course, Hearts Boxcars and Clubs Deuce took it on themselves to patrol the dining hall that linked the two dorm areas. But, they mainly just encouraged everyone and made comments on who should be seeing who.

Aradia waved to them as she floated by.

SO? DID YOU KISS THAT BOY?
Hearts! Y0u kn0w a girl sh0uldn't kiss and tell!
♣ Oh come on dearie! We are just dying to know how it went!
WE SAW YOU GO INTO TAVROS' ROOM.
Aradia put her hands on her hips and stomped in the air, feigning indiginity. She smiled at the two Dersite exiles.
Y0u tw0 were stalking after me? G00dness me!
Both Hearts and Clubs started to look embarassed.
WELL, WE WERE JUST...
UM...WELL
Well if y0u really want t0 kn0w.
I did.
♣ Yay!
Aradia and Clubs did a little dance. She so enjoyed talking to these two.
OH THEN, GOOD JOB. I'LL ASSUME YOU TOOK THE INIATIVE?
Aradia gave Hearts a look.
0f c0urse, it's Tavr0s.
LIMP-LEGGED W-
And it's 0ne 0f the things I l0ve ab0ut him.
-ONDERFUL BUNDLE OF JOY. HE'S SO LUCKY TO BE HOOKED WITH YOU.
Well, there's still Vriska. But I think she'll understand his feelings.
*SNERK*
But I'm s0rry, but I really need t0 head 0ff t0 bed.
I'm s0 exhausted after my first day 0utside. G00d night y0u tw0.
♣ Good night sweetie. Tomorrow is going to be so much fun!
GOOD NIGHT GIRL.
Aradia continued her journey back to her room. That was a fun chat...but the mention of Vriska worried her.

She had forgotten about her after she kissed Tavros. Oh dear, what would she think about this? Well, something to deal with tomorrow. Aradia really didn't want a screaming match this late at night, too tired to deal with Vriska's crazy right now.

HEY 8ITCH! WH8T THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY M8N?!
Aradia stopped. Oh god, she really brought it down upon herself by hoping this wouldn't happen.
0h, hell0 Vriska. Having a g00d evening?
DON'T YOU "G00D EVENING" ME YOU WHORE!
Is there a need f0r this Vriska? 0r can I just head t0 bed?
It's been a l0ng day.
The spider-girl's eyes both started twitching.
You're 8lowing me off! Don't 8low me off!
Dammit, wh8t were you doing t8lking to T8vros!
Were you two plotting against me?!
Vriska, calm d0wn. We were just talking ab0ut 0ur FLARPing days.
Don't you 8ullshit me!
Really, that's all we talked ab0ut!
I know you're fucking lying!
I heard 8oxcars and Deuce talking a8out your little adventure!
0h...dear.
I should kill you again you 8itch!
Vriska started to dig in one of her pockets.
Vriska...y0u need t0 calm d0wn.
TOO L8! YOU'VE 8EEN MESSING WITH WHAT'S MINE!
Vriska!
DIE 8ITCH!
Vriska whipped out the Fluorite Octet and threw them against Aradia's chest.

All Eights.

And nothing happened.

Aradia started laughing as Vriska sputtered.
0h what the hell? Y0u th0ught y0ur dice w0uld still w0rk 0utside 0f the game?
8uh-8uh-8ut they worked on Alternia! Why!
Wh8t the hell! Wh8t the fuck did you do to my dice?!
I did n0thing. Y0ur dice just d0n't w0rk 0utside 0f the game 0r Alternia's FLARPNet.
I mean, y0u didn't realize s0mething was up when the sylladexes st0pped w0rking?
Vriska had slumped to the ground and was looking forlorn and lost.
I...I didn't...I mean
Y0u are really just a stupid flighty br0ad aren't y0u?
Aradia sat down next to the forlorn blue-blood.
Why, Aradia?
Why what? There's a l0t 0f whys between us.
Vriska looked at Aradia, tears in her eyes.
Why are you taking Tavros away from me?
I thought we were happy together.
He's n0t happy with y0u Vriska.
In fact, he's abs0lutely miserable ar0und y0u.
Oh gog, I'm such a 8itch.
Y0u've g0t that right. But y0u really need t0 learn t0 st0p t0rmenting y0urself and 0thers.
Oh gog...
Vriska started sobbing.
You should just kill me Ar8dia! Take me out right now! I've got nothing to live for!
Aradia wrapped an arm around Vriska.
N0, I sh0uldn't. I'm 0ver 0ur feud. It's time f0r a new beginning Vriska.
Vriska looked at Aradia.
Really? 8ut what a8out Tavros? I thought...
He just wanted y0u t0 be happy Vriska. Even if it meant he was miserable.
Such a silly stupid 8oy.
That's what I like about him.
Vriska smiled.
Me too. 8ut, wh8t a8out me? I don't w8nt to 8e alone...
What ab0ut Eridan?
Eridan! 8ut he was my Kismesis!
We've 0nly g0t 0ne quadrant t0 w0rry ab0ut n0wadays.
Yech...
8ut still, I hated him. I still hate him...
And?
He's just so damned smug what with his cloak and scarf...
And his love of the seagrift livestyle...
And the way he's just so pathetic when he mopes a8out watching everyone else with someone else...
Aradia smiled at Vriska.
Is that right?
Vriska glared at Aradia.
Oh all right. I'll talk to Loser-dan tomorrow.
You have fun with Taaaaaaaavros.
Thank y0u Vriska. I-
Vriska gave Aradia a big toothy smile.
8ecause I'll 8e waiting to steal him 8ack from you.
- really expected that.
D0n't w0rry I'll take care 0f 0ur Pupa Pan.

Vriska got up and started walking to her own room. She glanced over her shoulder at Aradia as she reached her doorway.
8esides, he needs some help right now.
Another evil grin.
His legs stopped working again and I tossed his comm into the trash as I left his room.
Vriska let out an evil laugh as her door closed.
Aradia clapped her hands to her mouth.
0h shit!
She quickly flew back to his room to find that he had toppled himself over and had crawled halfway to the trashcan. He looked brightly at her when the door opened.
uh, Hey there Aradia!
I'm, uh, just having a little fun....
Aradia looked into his trash and pulled out the comm. She croutched down next to the prone cripple.
Oh, thank you. I was just trying to find that.
Y0u silly, silly b0y

A/N:

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More alive!Aradia for everyone.

I had the idea that the sylladexes, the more improbable weapons (like Rose's wands or Vriska's dice) and the other game mechanics of Sburb/Sgrub no longer work. The technology stolen from the Trolls' asteroids still work since they didn't rely on being in the game to function like the other stuff.

This also means everyone lost their levels gained in the game. But the psychics still have their powers (I figure that's a natural troll talent not linked to whatever on Alternia allowed the FLARP stuff to work) and Equius is still really damned strong.

Bah, I'm tired and I'm probably not making sense. Hope you enjoyed the fic, more will come.

[fishsicles]

Hahah, I added Conquest over there It seemed wholly deserving. (I hope that's not some kind of forum faux pas! I know nothing of these matters aaaa)

Dammit Kass, the first rule of TVTropes is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT TVTROPES.

The second rule of TVTropes is YOU DO NOT LINK TVTROPES.

What? No linking TV Tropes? But without my egregious (Take a shot!) pot-holing of lurker nobody will know who I am...

Seriously though everything on the last... er, thread? Two threads? Have I even posted in one of these before? has been awesome and under my constant scrutiny. ALWAYS WATCHING, NEVER SEEN (The fora really need to get a PI : ogle : emote, I would use it to death in my monthly post)

I would totally post something here but I am not horribly talented in the department of the writing unlike you fine fellows.

Now, then... *runs back to safety of nice, dark lurking shadows and puts the scary shiny glasses back on*

[raequiem]

FISHSICLES!!

*pouncegreet* I was just talking about you! Well, your handiwork. Thanks again for fic-reccing me on TvT - I am still not over how awesome that is. I will never be over how awesome that is. 33

[fishsicles]

FISHSICLES!!

*pouncegreet* I was just talking about you! Well, your handiwork. Thanks again for fic-reccing me on TvT - I am still not over how awesome that is. I will never be over how awesome that is. 33

The signs of my passage are few but awesomeness lies in my wake. Also, links to awesomeness written by awesome people.

stop being more awesome than me everyone

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Please carry on.

[SkaianRedeemer]

A/N:

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More alive!Aradia for everyone.

I had the idea that the sylladexes, the more improbable weapons (like Rose's wands or Vriska's dice) and the other game mechanics of Sburb/Sgrub no longer work. The technology stolen from the Trolls' asteroids still work since they didn't rely on being in the game to function like the other stuff.

This also means everyone lost their levels gained in the game. But the psychics still have their powers (I figure that's a natural troll talent not linked to whatever on Alternia allowed the FLARP stuff to work) and Equius is still really damned strong.

Bah, I'm tired and I'm probably not making sense. Hope you enjoyed the fic, more will come.

You've probably got a good handle on that, and I liked the touch about the FLARPnet. We've never actually seen anyone out of the game once they've started it, so there's lots of wiggle room thereabouts.

[ceruleanTresses]

And now, the thrilling nauseating conclusion to Karkat's Diary Presents: Blood and Bloodless!

This is so terrible. I can't believe what I made take place.

Karkat's Diary, Part 5

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BLOOD AND BLOODLESS: CHAPTER 26

KARKATTIUS CRIMSONSICKLE AUTHORITARIAT PACED ABOUT HIS RESPITEBLOCK, LOST IN THOUGHT.

THE PERIGEE WAS FAST APPROACHING, AND KARKATTIUS STILL HADN'T TOLD EDWARD THAT THE RAINBOW-DRINKER WAS MEANT TO DIE THAT NIGHT. WITH TIME RUNNING OUT, HE STILL WASN'T SURE WHAT THE FUCK HE SHOULD DO.

THE PRACTICAL CONCERNS INVOLVED IN KEEPING EDWARD ALIVE WERE NOT THE ISSUE. HE WAS THRESHECUTIONER AUTHORITARIAT, DAMMIT, LAST DESCENDENT OF THE FABLED SKY TROLLS AND DESTINED RULER OF THE VULTURI. IF HE WANTED EDWARD TO SURVIVE, THEN EDWARD WOULD SURVIVE.

KARKATTIUS LEANED AGAINST A WALL, HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. NO; AS DIFFICULT AS IT WAS TO ADMIT IT TO HIMSELF, THAT WASN'T THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM WAS THAT HE WASN'T SURE WHETHER HE DID WANT TO SAVE EDWARD'S LIFE.

IT KILLED HIM INSIDE TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIS AMBIVALENCE. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WAS HE? ANY DECENT TROLL WOULD HAVE LEAPT TO DO WHATEVER NECESSARY TO KEEP HIS MATESPRIT ALIVE. BUT THEN, ANY DECENT TROLL COULD NOT POSSIBLY HAVE ACQUIRED A KISMESIS AS DELICIOUSLY VILE AS FUTURE KARKATTIUS.

THE HEADY NIGHTS SINCE FUTURE KARKATTIUS FIRST REVEALED HIMSELF HAD BEEN THE MOST WONDERFULLY INFURIATING IN KARKATTIUS'S LIFE. HE'D HATED TROLLS BEFORE, BUT THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME HE'D EVER BEEN IN HATE, AND IT WAS MAGICAL. HE LOOKED FORWARD ANXIOUSLY TO THEIR DUELS. SOMETIMES HE SPENT HOURS PRACTICING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH THE LACHRYMOSE CRESCENT OF WAXING RETRIBUTION, JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'D BE IN TOP FORM FOR HIS LOATHED ONE. OTHER TIMES, UNABLE TO SLEEP FOR RAGE AND EXCITEMENT, HE'D GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND SPEND BLISSFUL HOURS FORMULATING PLANS TO UTTERLY DESTROY FUTURE KARKATTIUS, LEAVING HIM BROKEN AND DESPAIRING.

YES, LIFE WAS PERFECT NOW. KARKATTIUS HAD A MATESPRIT HE ADORED, A KISMESIS HE DESPISED, A MORAIL HE CARED FOR, AND A BUDDING ASHEN RELATIONSHIP WITH ROSALIE AND EMMETT. YET NO MATTER WHAT HE DID NEXT, SIX NIGHTS FROM NOW IT WOULD ALL FALL APART.

THE ANGST WITHIN KARKATTIUS ROSE AND THREATENED TO OVERWHELM HIM, AS WAVE UPON WAVE OF AGONY FLOODED HIS BEING. WITH A GROAN OF MISERY, HE PULLED AT HIS HAIR IN A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT HIMSELF FROM THE PAIN IN HIS HEART.

TO LOSE EDWARD WOULD BE UNBEARABLE; TO LOSE HIM WITH FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT HE COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED, EVEN MORE SO. YET FUTURE KARKATTIUS HAD ONLY RETURNED TO THE PAST OUT OF GRIEF OVER EDWARD'S UNTIMELY DEMISE. IF EDWARD LIVED, KARKATTIUS'S KISMESIS WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HERE WITH HIM AT ALL.

KARKATTIUS DIDN'T KNOW IF HE COULD STAND THAT.

HIS HEART HEAVY, HE STEPPED OUT ONTO AN EXTRATERRANEAL LANDING SLAT AND STARED BROODINGLY AT THE NIGHT SKY. IT WAS SEVERAL MINUTES BEFORE HE REALIZED HE WAS NOT ALONE. HIS GODLIKE REFLEXES TOOK OVER, AND HE WHIRLED TOWARD THE INTRUDER AND SHOT A FIREBALL AT HIM FROM HIS PALM.

FUTURE KARKATTIUS SIDESTEPPED THE THERMALLY ENHANCED PROJECTILE. “YOU LOOK UPSET,” HE NOTED SMUGLY.

“UPSET? ME? PERISH THE THOUGHT, I AM OBVIOUSLY OVERWHELMED WITH FUCKING ECSTACY OF COURSE I'M UPSET! I'M SHITTING OUT MILES OF ANGST SNAKE AND IT'S CHOKING MY SOUL TO DEATH!” KARKATTIUS SCREAMED, RELISHING HIS FUTURE SELF'S SLIGHT WINCE AS SPITTLE LANDED ON HIS FACE. BUT THE MOMENTARY PLEASURE ONLY MADE HIM SADDER. THESE WERE THE MOMENTS HE'D NEVER HAVE AGAIN—NEVER HAVE HAD—IF HIS MATESPRIT LIVED.


FUTURE KARKATTIUS CONSPICUOUSLY WIPED HIS CHEEK WITH THE SIDE OF HIS HOOD, KEEPING HIS EYES LOCKED ON KARKATTIUS THE ENTIRE TIME. FINALLY, HE SPOKE. “SO WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US BOTH WITH YOUR WHINY HOOFBEASTSHIT.”

KARKATTIUS TURNED AWAY, HALF-RAISING A HAND TOWARD THE STARRY SKY. “IT'S SIX NIGHTS UNTIL EDWARD'S SUPPOSED TO DIE--”

“FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ARE YOU REALLY SO PATHETIC THAT YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAN TAKE ON JACOB?”

“THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM SHUT THE HELL UP!” KARKATTIUS SQUEEZED HIS HAND INTO A FIST SO HARD THAT HIS CHITINOUS FINGERSHIELDS DREW BLOOD FROM HIS PALM. WHEN HE HAD REGAINED HIS COMPOSURE, HE CONTINUED. “IT'S SIX NIGHTS UNTIL EDWARD'S SUPPOSED TO DIE, AND I KNOW I CAN SAVE HIM. BUT IF HE LIVES, YOU'LL DISAPPEAR, AND I'LL BE BACK TO MY DULL SPADELESS EXISTENCE. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY KISMESIS WORTHY OF MY LOATHING, AND I'M THE ONLY KISMESIS WORTHY OF YOURS.”

“OH, DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE MY LOATHING, YES, BUT—”

“SO WHAT DO I DO?!” KARKATTIUS'S VOICE WAS WILD WITH DESPERATION AS HE ABRUPTLY SPUN BACK TOWARD HIS FUTURE SELF, GRABBING THE FRONT OF HIS CLOAK. HIS EYES FLARED WITH FEVERISH INTENSITY. “WHAT DO I CHOOSE? WHICH MUST I SACRIFICE—HIS PITY, OR YOUR HATE?”

THERE WAS A DRAMATIC PAUSE.

THEN FUTURE KARKATTIUS PUSHED HIM AWAY WITH A LOOK OF PERFECT SCORN. “YOU REALLY ARE JUST UNFATHOMABLY DENSE, AREN'T YOU? I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER YOU. WELL, I GUESS I WAS NEVER YOU IN THIS SPECIFIC CONTEXT, BECAUSE I WASN'T FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE MY VASTLY MORE INTELLIGENT FUTURE SELF AS MY GODDAMN SPIRIT GUIDE IN THE REALM OF ENDLESS BURNING HATRED. WHICH MEANS I NEVER PERPETRATED THIS PARTICULAR ACT OF STUPIDITY, SO I GUESS THAT MAKES ME EVEN BETTER THAN YOU THAN I THOUGHT I WAS.”

“I STOPPED LISTENING HALFWAY THROUGH THAT BECAUSE IT WAS SO AWFUL. GET TO THE POINT.”

“LOOK, YOU CLEARLY DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST GODDAMN CLUE HOW TIME TRAVEL WORKS, BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU ARE BRAIN-DEAD AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. IF THERE WERE ONLY ONE TIMELINE, AND MY PRESENCE HERE WERE CONTINGENT UPON EDWARD'S DEATH, YOUR SAVING HIM WOULD CREATE A PARADOX, RIGHT? I WARN YOU, SO YOU SAVE HIM, SO I NEVER COME BACK TO WARN YOU--”

“AND TO TRY TO ABDUCT HIM.”

“SHUT UP. SO I NEVER COME BACK TO WARN YOU, SO HE DIES, SO I DO COME BACK, SO YOU SAVE HIM, SO I DON'T COME BACK, AND WE ALL RIDE THE FUCKING MERRY-GO-ROUND OF ASININITY INTO THE FURTHEST RING.”

KARKATTIUS FORCED HIMSELF NOT TO CLAW HIS ENEMY'S FACE OFF. HE HATED HIM SO MUCH THAT SOMETIMES IT WAS HARD TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF HIM. BUT WHAT HE WAS SAYING NOW WAS IMPORTANT. IT MIGHT EVEN MEAN...HOPE.

“NOW, OBVIOUSLY A UNIVERSE THAT PERMITTED THAT KIND OF IDIOCY WOULD HAVE CEASED TO EXIST LONG AGO. IT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ALL TANGLED UP, LIKE THE COCOON OF A RETARDED WIGGLER. THE CONCLUSION THAT EVERYONE WITHOUT LOAD GAPER DREGS FOR BRAINS MUST REACH IS THAT REALITY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.”

“I THINK I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND,” KARKATTIUS SAID THOUGHTFULLY. “THE ONLY WAY TIME TRAVEL COULD EXIST WITHOUT PARADOX SPACE IMPLODING IS IF THERE'S MORE THAN ONE—”

“MORE THAN ONE TIMELINE, YES,” HIS KISMESIS CONTINUED CONDESCENDINGLY. “IF YOU SAVE EDWARD, YOU SPLIT THIS PARTICULAR TIMELINE INTO TWO--YOURS, AND MINE. IN YOURS, HE LIVES AND YOU NEVER RETURN TO THE PAST. IN MY TIMELINE, HE'S STILL DEAD, WHICH IS WHY I LEFT IT AND TRAVELED TO YOURS. BOTH TIMELINES ARE PERFECTLY VIABLE AND BOTH OF THEM EXIST. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS AN IMMUTABLE 'ALPHA TIMELINE' BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID AND REALLY FRUSTRATING.”

“THEN IF I SAVE HIM FROM JACOB AND KEEP YOU FROM KIDNAPPING HIM, I CAN HAVE BOTH OF YOU AFTER ALL!” KARKATTIUS EXCLAIMED TRIUMPHANTLY, THE DARKNESS IN HIS SOUL MELTING AWAY LIKE A STUPID SMUG TEMPORALLY-DISPLACED ALTERNATE SELF CAUGHT IN THE ACID RAIN.

FUTURE KARKATTIUS CLAPPED SARCASTICALLY. “OH LOOK, A GLIMMERING SPARK OF COGNITIVE ADEQUACY AMIDST THE ENDLESS SEA OF OBTUSENESS THAT IS YOUR DEFECTIVE MIND. BETTER CULTIVATE THAT, YOU MIGHT EVEN GET TO BE ME SOMEDAY.”

KARKATTIUS PUNCHED HIM IN THE STOMACH, HARD. “YOU ALWAYS KNOW JUST WHAT TO SAY.”

Also, my friend Maku helped out with some of the angsty bits (specifically, the paragraph about agony flooding his being), so yay for her!

[Kassiopeia]

OH MY FUCK YES THIS WAS TOTALLY WORTH STAYING UP TIL 6AM FOR.
Cerulean, you are a goddess.
"KARKATTIUS FORCED HIMSELF NOT TO CLAW HIS ENEMY'S FACE OFF. HE HATED HIM SO MUCH THAT SOMETIMES IT WAS HARD TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF HIM" Oh, Karkles.
Also I enjoy how this version somehow manages to contain more involving conflict and emotion than the original Twilight, while also being ridiculously hilarious. Good show. I'm just sad it's ending

[raequiem]

Oh cerulean, that is delightful.

I really really want someone everyone to find this and lol hard. Is this a thing you want to make happen, or is it a thing I will have to make happen?