MSPA Fanfiction III

[Domoz]

So here's this???

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Rose carefully checked herself each Christmas morning. Was her hair properly ruffled? Did her cheek have the flush of excitement proper for such a momentous occasion? When everything checked out, she went downstairs, where her mother was already sitting on the couch, drinking something.

The tree blinked on and off in all sorts of ungodly colors. Instead of heading straight for the gifts, as a normal child would be apt to do, Rose instead took a seat next to her mother on the couch and asked, “So how has your morning been?”
and her mother replies, “Just fine, and yours?”
This is easily your least favorite part of the Christmas morning ritual.
“You know, I'm not quite sure yet”
Then you wait for twenty minutes as your mother finishes her mug of egg nog and pours herself another.
Then she finally says the words you've been waiting for.
“Would you like to unwrap your gifts now, Rose?”
“If it would suit you”

Rose picks up the first present, and carefully, so as not to tear the wrapping paper, unwraps it. It is a copy of the Zoologicaly Dubious book you had asked for. Secretly, she is delighted, although she doesn't let it show.

Next she unwraps an oblong gift that presumed to be a poster, setting the paper aside. Rose is going to be using this Santa covered monstrosity to wrap her mother' birthday present. Incide is a squiddles poster, one that will go perfectly well with the shirt she already owns once she takes a sharpie to it.

Inside the next gift is a bunch of yarn and a new pair of knitting needles, delightful.

Inside the last gift was the only thing Rose was not expecting. A brand new laptop, complete with charger and mouse.

She can see the thin smile her mother allows herself when Rose opens it.

Rose clears her throat, for once she's going to be sincere about this.
“Thank you, mother”

“Don't you mean santa?”

Every
Fucking
Year

I did cute wrong I think, whoops.

Snrrk HAHAHAHA

Oh wow, that was hilarious. Especially the end. I'm totally picturing Rose 2x facepalming.
One thing though--it seemed to drift into the second person during the second paragraph and briefly during the third. Might want to fix that up!

Pfff,thanks. I went back and changed it.

After that last story I broke my persons and get confused sometimes e_e
It's like I couldn't stop writing in second person if I wanted to.

[Caprisaurus]

@@ Domoz
THIS
WAS BRILLIANT

@@ Mayor
I
..What. I don't ship this couple but it was somewhat adorkable

[Katrika]

Crash: I...I love that fic. Keep going. Please?

[KarneWarrior]

So, some of you may know that I don't exactly hold the highest opinion of the mental faculties of my schoolmates. Supposedly we are an A school, however this is entirely the tireless work of three children with brains and the equally tireless work of those who copy them.

On that note I would like to present to you a fic that makes light-hearted humor of the preconceptions of a choice few people. Names have been changed, and personalities exaggerated, but I think that that is all well and good in the name of humor.

Thusly, I present to you a Kanaya fic, wherein Kanaya says not one word, to anyone.

Trollhouse
Silly Billy, Girls can't think!

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Billy nudged Austin with one elbow. They had been tirelessly copying the nerd in front of them. At least they thought he was a nerd. He wore glasses, he had to be smart, right? But the alternative was to string several thoughts together in a row, which was painful. So they assumed he was a nerd and copied him.

"Wha'?" grunted Austin.

"Lookit that, Austin. That weird gir' o'er there with the horns and weird skin?"

"Oh yeah that one thas all snarky an' shit. Yeah I see 'er. What about 'er?"

"Lookit what she's doin, man, lookit that!"

"She just lookin' at her paper all squinty like, what 'bout it?"

"Can't you swear she be thinkin'? Idn't that a no-velty righ' there?

"Well yeah, she does Billy! Lookit tha', a thinkin' girl!"

Kanaya made a small tick on her paper an moved on to the next problem.

"Naw, Austin, she just actin' like she's thinkin'. Errybody knows girls don't think like boys."

"Well that was what I was tryin' ta say ya nic-om-poop!"

"What the sam hell is a nicompoo?"

"It's a verry fancy word I read 'bout in the paper. It's all polly-itical."

"Don't be gettin all civilized on me now. Remember the alamo!"

"We're in Florida dum-dum, the Alamo is in kansas. Idn't that the place that Dorathea girl was whisked off to in that movie?"

"No, that was Canada, I reckon."

Kanaya filled in another bubble and stretched her arms.

"Lookit, she dun't got a belly button!"

"Maybe she the antichrist? Tha'd explain the thinkin' and the no-belly button and the skin and the-"

"Shut up you dummy 'fore she hears us!"

"How she gonna hears us from across the room?"

"Well if she the anti-christ she gonna have alla Satans powers and he can hear lotsa things."

"Is he hearin' me when I be in my bedroom at night 'cause I don't think I want him there."

"Shut up and just get beck to copyin' the nerd here 'fore we gets caught by the teacher or the thinkin' girl."

"Hey aint the teacher a girl?"

"What part of shut up idiot dunt you get?"

***********************************

Kanaya aced the test of course. It was simple enough, human history. She was used to grey relationships and it seemed that most of the interactions between nations were ashen in nature, so she was prepared enough to understand what she was taught. Remembering human dates was hard, though. Still, not hard enough that Kanaya couldn't handle them.

What she wasn't expecting was to walk outside to find several picket signs saying "gete out deemons!" and Nepeta sobbing next to the wall. Karkat was still yelling back to them, most likely making things worse.

Humans are fucking weird, Kanaya decided.

Merry christmas guys. Hope you all had a good laugh.

[Caprisaurus]

So, some of you may know that I don't exactly hold the highest opinion of the mental faculties of my schoolmates. Supposedly we are an A school, however this is entirely the tireless work of three children with brains and the equally tireless work of those who copy them.

On that note I would like to present to you a fic that makes light-hearted humor of the preconceptions of a choice few people. Names have been changed, and personalities exaggerated, but I think that that is all well and good in the name of humor.

Thusly, I present to you a Kanaya fic, wherein Kanaya says not one word, to anyone.

Trollhouse
Silly Billy, Girls can't think!

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Billy nudged Austin with one elbow. They had been tirelessly copying the nerd in front of them. At least they thought he was a nerd. He wore glasses, he had to be smart, right? But the alternative was to string several thoughts together in a row, which was painful. So they assumed he was a nerd and copied him.

"Wha'?" grunted Austin.

"Lookit that, Austin. That weird gir' o'er there with the horns and weird skin?"

"Oh yeah that one thas all snarky an' shit. Yeah I see 'er. What about 'er?"

"Lookit what she's doin, man, lookit that!"

"She just lookin' at her paper all squinty like, what 'bout it?"

"Can't you swear she be thinkin'? Idn't that a no-velty righ' there?

"Well yeah, she does Billy! Lookit tha', a thinkin' girl!"

Kanaya made a small tick on her paper an moved on to the next problem.

"Naw, Austin, she just actin' like she's thinkin'. Errybody knows girls don't think like boys."

"Well that was what I was tryin' ta say ya nic-om-poop!"

"What the sam hell is a nicompoo?"

"It's a verry fancy word I read 'bout in the paper. It's all polly-itical."

"Don't be gettin all civilized on me now. Remember the alamo!"

"We're in Florida dum-dum, the Alamo is in kansas. Idn't that the place that Dorathea girl was whisked off to in that movie?"

"No, that was Canada, I reckon."

Kanaya filled in another bubble and stretched her arms.

"Lookit, she dun't got a belly button!"

"Maybe she the antichrist? Tha'd explain the thinkin' and the no-belly button and the skin and the-"

"Shut up you dummy 'fore she hears us!"

"How she gonna hears us from across the room?"

"Well if she the anti-christ she gonna have alla Satans powers and he can hear lotsa things."

"Is he hearin' me when I be in my bedroom at night 'cause I don't think I want him there."

"Shut up and just get beck to copyin' the nerd here 'fore we gets caught by the teacher or the thinkin' girl."

"Hey aint the teacher a girl?"

"What part of shut up idiot dunt you get?"

***********************************

Kanaya aced the test of course. It was simple enough, human history. She was used to grey relationships and it seemed that most of the interactions between nations were ashen in nature, so she was prepared enough to understand what she was taught. Remembering human dates was hard, though. Still, not hard enough that Kanaya couldn't handle them.

What she wasn't expecting was to walk outside to find several picket signs saying "gete out deemons!" and Nepeta sobbing next to the wall. Karkat was still yelling back to them, most likely making things worse.

Humans are fucking weird, Kanaya decided.

Merry christmas guys. Hope you all had a good laugh.

That.. that was a nice read : D
I feel guilty that I was more >->;

[Tenebrais]

Here's something that's been buzzing around my head for a while. Part 1 of 2 or maybe 3.

Backtrack

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Jade had been excited to finally meet Dave in person. Sure, she’d seen him plenty of times - on the Internet, in her clouds, and most recently in Sburb - but there was something different about meeting face-to-face. Sure, she’d been expecting it from the start. But that didn’t stop her excitement.

And there he was, standing in a snowdrift, at the exact time and place he’d said. He wasn’t dressed up warmly at all. But then he was so cool already! Shouting his name, she ran up to him - a little clumsily in the deep snow - and threw herself into a hug. He sputtered a protest but soon gave up and wrapped his arms around her too.

“I’m so glad I finally got to meet you!” she cried out excitedly. “I’ve been looking forward to this for years!”
Dave wasn’t quite as impressed. But then what ever did impress him? “Yeah, but don’t we have bigger things to worry about? I mean, we’re Time and Space here. Let’s just get down to business and wreck shit. Or fix shit. Whatever needs doing.”
She giggled. “Okay! So what should we do first?”
That slight smile fell from his face as he fixated on something in the sky.
“We get the fuck out of here.”

He started to spin up his timetables, but Jack Noir flashed into view and brought down his sword. Dave managed to get out of the way, but the machines were trashed. Desperately, he drew his sword.
His brother had taught him well. Dave held his own, even against an enemy that was impossible to hit. The battle jumped around as Jack teleported, but mostly held around that same spot, where Jade could see everything. As much as he could survive the fight, Dave was getting tired, and couldn’t land a hit. Any time he managed to strike without getting parried, Jack just teleported away.
It was up to Jade. Slowly, following long-practiced instincts, she drew her rifle and aimed down the barrel. She could get a clear shot easily. Hopefully it would be enough to distract Jack long enough for Dave to land a hit.
She fired.

She didn’t know what had happened. When she pulled the trigger, her sights were directly on Jack’s temple, and she never missed. But when the bullet hit, Jack was nowhere to be seen, and it was Dave that had taken a shot to the skull. He must have redirected the shot. She hadn’t even considered that he could do that.
She kneeled by his body. She couldn’t bear to look at his mangled face. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed until she fell asleep.

Her dreams – her nightmares – simply showed her what just happened, over and over again. They meet. Jack appears. Dave draws his timetables, they are bisected. They fight. She shoots. He dies. Again.
She didn’t know why the horrible monsters outside the Incipisphere were doing this. Were they trying to tell her something? Was she meant to notice something? Remember something? Regret something?
If they were trying to make her feel bad, they didn’t need to bother.

She woke up again. Half an hour had passed. Maybe an hour? She couldn’t tell. Nothing kept time properly here. Only Dave seemed to know when things happened.
His timetables lay in the snow, slowly getting covered. Jade unearthed them. They’d been cleft in two, both of them. It was a clean cut, but she couldn’t just put them back together. Still, if she could repair them, maybe she could fix what just happened.

She took them inside. From what she could see through the cut, the technology they ran by was completely alien, even by the standards she was used to, so her gadgeteering wouldn’t be any use here. She captchalogued them and took note of the codes. Perhaps she could do something with this...
After a little experimentation with the alchemiter, she had two functioning timetables. Just like Dave’s old set. She had nothing like his instinct or experience, and had no idea what she was doing, but she had to fix this. She could save him! She could save everyone.

Tentatively, she put her hands on the discs. They span slowly of their own accord, probably counting out normal time. Or letting it flow? She didn’t really understand. But if she jerked them back the other way...
A flash of red and she was back outside her house, standing in the snow. She looked up into the ruins of her atrium and saw herself heading inside. Okay, that gave her some bearings as to when she was. She just needed to keep track of what she did from now to fix it!
She sat by the side of her house and got out her computer to watch the conversations over Pesterchum.

There it was! The last time they spoke before it happened. Will happen? Time travel sure was confusing.

GG: dave wait!!!
GG: dont go!!!
TG: what why
TG: what happened
GG: more like what will happen!
GG: its dangerous
GG: just dont go okay??
TG: okay i thought you lost your psychic dream thing
TG: how do you know this
TG: and why didnt you tell me earlier and save us all this time
GG: because
GG: i am not the same jade!!!
GG: im from the future
TG: youre
TG: shit
TG: then that means
GG: we met up and then you died and then i used your timetables!!
GG: so please dont go dave
GG: please dont die!!!
TG: alright i dont think youd prank me like that
TG: so ill stay in these ruins
TG: but you should probably tell the other you to stay put too
GG: oh right!!!!

She hurried to the front of the house, in time to catch herself going out.
“Wait!” she called out. “Don’t!”
The younger Jade turned to see herself. It was kind of surreal. She was completely lost for words.
“I’ll explain later,” the older Jade said. “Just go back inside, okay? I promise this isn’t a trick!” She went back to fetch her computer before joining herself in the living room.

GG: okay were both inside now!!!
GG: we should both be safe
GG: or you should both be safe
GG: i dont know!!!
GG: being a different me is so weird
TG: yeah you get used to it
TG: well you probably wont
TG: at least you shouldnt
TG: messing around in time is how the dead daves pile up
TG: or the dead jades in this case
GG: ._.
TG: wait shit
GG: what???
TG: youre from the future arent you
TG: you came back to change things
TG: i cant really break this to you gentle
TG: but that means youre going to die

A/N

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I was going to call this Reverse, since reversing is a thing you do in space rather than time. But it turns out that's the normal terminology anyway.
The main idea behind this fic is what would happen if someone who wasn't their session's god of Time - and therefore wasn't conditioned to deal with time loops and their consequences - was forced to go back and fix the past. How they'd deal with playing second fiddle to their own self and the ultimate fate of all who change the past. I picked Jade, because Rose would probably handle it without much trouble and I'm pretty sure I've seen similar fics with John anyway.

I'm still working on Windows so that'll probably be the next fic I post.

[Katrika]

Poor Nepeta.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, if Death had a typing quirk, what do YOU think it would be?

[KarneWarrior]

So, some of you may know that I don't exactly hold the highest opinion of the mental faculties of my schoolmates. Supposedly we are an A school, however this is entirely the tireless work of three children with brains and the equally tireless work of those who copy them.

On that note I would like to present to you a fic that makes light-hearted humor of the preconceptions of a choice few people. Names have been changed, and personalities exaggerated, but I think that that is all well and good in the name of humor.

Thusly, I present to you a Kanaya fic, wherein Kanaya says not one word, to anyone.

Trollhouse
Silly Billy, Girls can't think!

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hide spoiler

Billy nudged Austin with one elbow. They had been tirelessly copying the nerd in front of them. At least they thought he was a nerd. He wore glasses, he had to be smart, right? But the alternative was to string several thoughts together in a row, which was painful. So they assumed he was a nerd and copied him.

"Wha'?" grunted Austin.

"Lookit that, Austin. That weird gir' o'er there with the horns and weird skin?"

"Oh yeah that one thas all snarky an' shit. Yeah I see 'er. What about 'er?"

"Lookit what she's doin, man, lookit that!"

"She just lookin' at her paper all squinty like, what 'bout it?"

"Can't you swear she be thinkin'? Idn't that a no-velty righ' there?

"Well yeah, she does Billy! Lookit tha', a thinkin' girl!"

Kanaya made a small tick on her paper an moved on to the next problem.

"Naw, Austin, she just actin' like she's thinkin'. Errybody knows girls don't think like boys."

"Well that was what I was tryin' ta say ya nic-om-poop!"

"What the sam hell is a nicompoo?"

"It's a verry fancy word I read 'bout in the paper. It's all polly-itical."

"Don't be gettin all civilized on me now. Remember the alamo!"

"We're in Florida dum-dum, the Alamo is in kansas. Idn't that the place that Dorathea girl was whisked off to in that movie?"

"No, that was Canada, I reckon."

Kanaya filled in another bubble and stretched her arms.

"Lookit, she dun't got a belly button!"

"Maybe she the antichrist? Tha'd explain the thinkin' and the no-belly button and the skin and the-"

"Shut up you dummy 'fore she hears us!"

"How she gonna hears us from across the room?"

"Well if she the anti-christ she gonna have alla Satans powers and he can hear lotsa things."

"Is he hearin' me when I be in my bedroom at night 'cause I don't think I want him there."

"Shut up and just get beck to copyin' the nerd here 'fore we gets caught by the teacher or the thinkin' girl."

"Hey aint the teacher a girl?"

"What part of shut up idiot dunt you get?"

***********************************

Kanaya aced the test of course. It was simple enough, human history. She was used to grey relationships and it seemed that most of the interactions between nations were ashen in nature, so she was prepared enough to understand what she was taught. Remembering human dates was hard, though. Still, not hard enough that Kanaya couldn't handle them.

What she wasn't expecting was to walk outside to find several picket signs saying "gete out deemons!" and Nepeta sobbing next to the wall. Karkat was still yelling back to them, most likely making things worse.

Humans are fucking weird, Kanaya decided.

Merry christmas guys. Hope you all had a good laugh.

That.. that was a nice read : D
I feel guilty that I was more >->;

I wanted to write it because I LOVED Carrot and Nobby in Thud!.

And also because I just had the idea of Kanaya really pissing people off by being so much better than them at everything.

[DJ-P0N3]

@Katrika
I assume it'd be similar to Aradia's actually.
Maybe have letters missing randomly, and every word would have its own period.

[Katrika]

Hmmmm...gives me an idea, yeah.

[Kawa]

Silly biscuits. Death would type in boldtype small caps!

[DJ-P0N3]

I could see that.

[Katrika]

No, it's not THAT Death, but he will capitalize certain letters...pay attention to them.

Mindfang And Death

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Once upon a time, Mindfang the gr8 pir8 was walking a long long way in her awesome red 8oots! Soon she came to a hive with a very, very, very old troll sitting outside the front door. The old troll looked like skin and dry 8ones. He was so very old, Mindfang couldn’t understand why he was on Alternia! Shouldn’t he have 8een culled???????? This made no sense, not even to the gr8 and smart Marquise Spinnerette Mindfang! Normally she ignored people, 8ut she was so very curious she decided to talk to him! She also decided to 8e polite, 8ecause it was okay to 8e polite to lesser 8eings sometimes!

"Gooooooood evening, you old fart! May I have a drink of water? It is very hot!” The old troll said nothing.

Mindfang, thinking that the troll might 8e deaf, walked closer to the seated figure and repeated in a loud voice:
"I said... GOOD EVENING! MAY I HAVE A DRINK OF WATER?"
The troll said nothing.

Mindfang scratched her head and said, "Oh, you just go into the hive and help yourself, you awesome young troll, you?”
The troll still said nothing.

Mindfang rather thought that the troll had died of old age.

Mindfang walked past the troll and helped herself not only to ice water 8ut also to all the food she could eat. When she had finished eating, Mindfang went outside to find the troll still sitting in the same spot 8y the door. Mindfang thanked him for his hospitality and returned to her hive. She liked it when people gave her stuff! She deserved it, after all!!!!!!!!

The next night Mindfang went 8ack to the hive of the pro8a8ly dead guy and again 8 her fill. Still, the old fart said nothing to Mindfang. He’d 8etter 8e dead, she thought, 8ecause no8ody living is allowed to ignore me!!!!!!!! On the third night, Mindfang 8rought her friend Gamzee to the smelly geezer’s hive.

"Good evening, old fart!" Mindfang politely greeted the geezer. "Since you have 8een so kind to me, I have 8rought my friend who is a good cook. He wants to 8e your cook!" Mindfang turned to Gamzee. "Now make me some food, sopor-head!!!!!!!!” The old fart still said nothing.

The next day Mindfang rose early and went to the old fart's hive. The geezer had not moved and was still sitting 8y his front door. Mindfang said, "Good evening, shithead who can’t hear me!" and entered the hive. She called for Gamzee, 8ut the annoying shit didn’t answer her. Then she remem8ered that he liked a good game of hide-and-seek, so she looked in every closet. 8ut there was no Gamzee! Although she knew that it would 8e dangerous to hide there, she checked the ice 8ox too. Gamzee was stupid enough to hide there! Still she could not find him. Mindfang had searched all over the house and still had not found Gamzee.

She thought of one place she had not looked.

"I know where he is. He is hiding in the 8ake8ox!", she said as he opened the door to the 8ake8ox in the kitchen. Mindfang jumped 8ack, for inside the oven lay one of Gamzee's horns. Mindfang rushed outside and gra88ed the old fart 8y the collar.

"Wh8re is my fri8nd????????" she shouted.

Finally, the old fart spoke in a deep and rasping voice. "do-you-know-who-i-am" he asked slowly, chewing on every word that escaped his protein chute.

"Of course", Mindfang replied; "You are one of my fans!!!!!!!!"

"ha!-your-fan" the old fart rasped. "my-name-is-DEATH-anD-you-came-lookIng-for-mE-i-Did-not-invIte-you-into-my-hivE-to-aDd-insult-to-Injury-you-brought-mE-your-stupiD-frIEnD-so-I-atE-him-now-i-am-going-to-have-you-for-latemeal", Death said as he gra88ed Mindfang 8y the jacket.

Mindfang tore the 8uttons from her jacket, slipped out of it and ran for her life. She ran as fast as he could, which was very fast, 8elieving she could easily outdistance an old fart like Death. She was the gr8est, after all!!!!!!!!

However, when Mindfang turned around, Death was right 8ehind her!!!!!!!! Finally, out of desperation, Mindfang lunged for a tree lim8 and clim8ed as high as she could, which was very high! To her surprise, Death did not follow Mindfang up the tree. Death could not clim8!

(Death was totally lame, and Mindfang was totally gr8! YEAH!!!!!!!!)

Death picked up rocks, old shoes, anything he could find, and threw them at Mindfang, 8ut they all missed. She had all the luck! All of it!!!!!!!! Having exhausted his supply, he ran around the 8ottom of the tree searching for more missiles. As soon as he took his eyes off Mindfang, the totally not frightened pir8 jumped out of the tree and 8olted for her hive.

As she neared her hive, Mindfang shouted out to her m8sprit:
"Nick Cage! Gra8 the food and clim8 up to the ceiling! Death is after me!"

"What did you say, light of my life?", her super sexy and devoted m8sprit asked in a rugged 8ut gentle voice.

"I said gra8 the food and clim8 up to the ceiling!"

"You said do what with the potato peelings?"

Sadly, Nick Cage was a little deaf.

"I said... oh, n8ver m8nd!" Mindfang cried in frustration.

She quickly rushed into his house, gra88ed her m8sprit and the food, and clim8ed up into the ceiling with them.

"Gra8 onto a wooden 8eam and hold on tight!" she instructed.
As 8rother Death rushed in the door, Mindfang and Nick Cage were safely clinging to a 8eam on the ceiling. Death calmly picked up a 8urlap 8ag, pulled up a chair, sat down under the dangling pir8 couple and crossed his legs.

Soon, Mindfang's m8sprit cried out to her, "Spinnerette, please... my hands are tired! I am going to fall!"

"Fall and Death is going to geeeeeeeet you!" Mindfang answered.

Nick Cage fell and Death placed him in the 8urlap 8ag. "i-Don't-want-you", droned Death; "I-want-your-m8sprit"

Soon all the food fell. Finally, Mindfang's own hands 8ecame tired. First, the left hand froze and lost its grip. 8ut Mindfang held on tight with her right hand and wiggled her left hand a8out, thinking that when her right hand 8ecame tired, her left could take over. Mindfang's mind 8egan to race. In a flash, she came up with a 8rilliant plan! She was so smart!!!!!!!!

"Deeeeeeeeath", she called cleverly, "I am so faaaaaaaat from eating all your food that if I faaaaaaaall, I will just splatter into pieces. There will not 8e enough of me left to put into that 8aaaaaaaag. You will only have enough meat to make troll-8urgers. 8ut, if you go into the 8asemeeeeeeeent, you will find a 8arrel of flour. Get the 8arrel and set it under me to cushion the faaaaaaaall. Then I won't splatter, I will just 8e 8attered!!!!!!!!"

"mmmmm" Death exhaled, ru88ed his chin and smiled, showing all his thirty-seven-and-a-half sharp teeth. "fried-troll-for-latemeal-or-maybe-i-can-make-DelIcious-spicy-jErk-troll-anD-human-from-mIndfang-and-hEr-m8sprit"

8ut Mindfang was tricking him! There was no flour in the 8asement, there was just her lusus! Death got eaten up and Mindfang rescued Nick Cage and they had sloppy makeouts and lived forever.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

(Copyrighted forever to Vriska Serket! YEAH!!!!!!!!)

[Caprisaurus]

@@ Katrika
Hehehe Nick cage
That made is SO MUCH more awesome
Also the capitalized certain letters led to.. some disturbing stuff >->

[Katrika]

what-Do-you-mean-caprIsaurus-dEar

[ceruleanTresses]

Oh HELL YES. Vriska is the best Anansi.

[Katrika]

Anansi might take umbridge to that.

But then she'd write a fic where she beats him in a duel to the death and gets all his powers forever YEAH!!!!!!!!

[ceruleanTresses]

Oh gog these color tags are going to take forever. But I am glad to present to you the awfulness that is Karkat's bastardization of "It's A Wonderful Life!"

Background information: Henry Travers is the actor who played Clarence in the aforementioned movie.

Karkat's Diary, Part Eight

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(HEY, FUTURE ME, IT'S PRESENT ME. I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE INSULTING COMMENTS IN THE MARGINS OF ALL MY STUFF, SO CONSIDER THIS A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE. EVERYTHING YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE ON THIS PAGE SUCKS BULGE. ALSO FUCK YOU.)

KARKAT IS FUCKING AWESOME

SO ONE DAY EVERYONE ON KARKAT'S TEAM WAS BEING A WHINY OBNOXIOUS LITTLE GRUB. THEY WERE ALL BITCHING AT KARKAT BECAUSE THEY WERE TRAPPED ON AN ASTEROID WAITING TO DIE. NEVER MIND THAT HE WAS ALSO IN THAT EXACT FUCKING SITUATION, AND IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS EVEN HIS FAULT AND THEY ALL FUCKING KNEW THAT.

ERIDAN KEPT MOPING LOUDLY WHENEVER KARKAT WAS AROUND, AND EQUIUS KEPT MAKING STUPID COMMENTS ABOUT HOW KARKAT'S MUTANT BLOOD MADE HIM AN UNFIT LEADER, AND VRISKA CONTINUED TO ACT LIKE THE INDESCRIBABLY TERRIBLE PERSON SHE ALWAYS HAD BEEN. SHE WAS ALL, “Karkat, your inspiring speeches are so 8oring and stupid and also I am a huge 8itch all the time!!!!!!!!”

BUT TEREZI WAS THE WORST OF ALL. SHE HAD APPARENTLY DECIDED THAT KARKAT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER FUCKING DISCRIMINATING TASTES. INSTEAD, SHE HAD DECIDED TO SPEND THE LAST HOURS OF HER LIFE FLIRTING WITH THIS GODAWFUL ALIEN BULGESUCKER. AND YES, KARKAT HAD ASKED HER TO TALK TO HIM, BUT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TROLLING HIM GOD DAMN IT, NOT EXCHANGING SICKENING LITTLE PICTURES WITH HIM AND PROBABLY LETTING HIM SHOW HER HIS BUCKET COLLECTION OR SOMETHING. AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, THIS ASSHOLE HAD THE PRESUMPTION TO USE THE TEXT COLOR KARKAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO USE IF HIS ENTIRE SPECIES WEREN'T A BUNCH OF FUCKING BIGOTS.

SERIOUSLY, WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW AWFUL STRIDER IS. EVERY WORD HE TYPES REEKS OF MOIST, FERMENTED MUSCLEBEAST DROPPINGS, KIND OF LIKE HE PROBABLY LITERALLY DOES.

BUT ANYWAY THIS STORY ISN'T ABOUT HIM, SO HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. BASICALLY, TEREZI WAS BLATANTLY FLUSHED FOR HIM AND SHE KEPT EITHER IGNORING KARKAT, OR LAUGHING AT HIM. IT MADE KARKAT WANT TO VOMIT.

BUT SUDDENLY, JUST AS KARKAT WAS JUST ABOUT TO FLY OFF THE HANDLE, TROLL HENRY TRAVERS APPEARED. EVERYONE GASPED IN SURPRISE EXCEPT FOR KARKAT, BECAUSE KARKAT WAS ETERNALLY VIGILANT AND NOTHING COULD SURPRISE HIM. AND I GUESS ALSO EXCEPT FOR ARADIA BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY KNEW ABOUT IT FROM HER WEIRD TIME SHIT.

THE MYSTERIOUS SKY TROLL SPOKE. “(\/)y goodness! It certainly see(\/)s that you young trolls don't appreciate your leader the way you ought to!” TROLL HENRY TRAVERS SHOOK HIS HEAD DISAPPROVINGLY. “A leader deserves respect, and your behavior hasn't been very respectful at all!”

VRISKA SMIRKED IN THAT REALLY IRRITATING WAY. “8ut Troll Henry Traveeeeeeeers! What has Karkat ever done to deserve our respect? All he does is yell!”

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS CHUCKLED. “Why don't I show you? Co(\/)e along, all of you! I'(\/) going to show you what your lives would be like if Karkat had never existed.”

SUDDENLY ALL OF THE TROLLS FOUND THEMSELVES IN THE LAND OF BRAINS AND FIRE. THEY SAW, TO THEIR HORROR, SOLLUX WEEPING OVER FEFERI'S BROKEN CORPSE.

“wwhat the hell” SAID ERIDAN IN HIS STUPID ACCENT.

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS SIGHED SADLY. “I'(\/) afraid that without Karkat's expert romantic advice, you found yourself e(\/)otionally devastated by Feferi's rejection. With nobody to turn to to sort out your feelings, you dealt with them not by pursuing a healthy kismesissitude with Sollux—”

“not that ii'm iintere2ted,” SOLLUX INTERJECTED.

“—but by brutally (\/)urdering the object of your flushed affections, furious at her for the pain she had caused you.”

“wwoww” SAID ERIDAN, SOUNDING ALL PATHETIC AND REMORSEFUL. “i guess i shouldnt havve taken you for granted kar”

“M-E N-EIT)(-ER!” FEFERI SHRIEKED EXCITEDLY. SHE WASN'T FREAKED OUT BY HER OWN HORRIBLE DEATH BECAUSE SHE'S CREEPY AS HELL.

NEXT THEY VISITED GAMZEE'S BODY IN THE LAND OF TENTS AND MIRTH.

“Ga(\/)zee, do you re(\/)e(\/)ber when you and Karkat fought that first giclops in the Land of Tents and (\/)irth? Do you re(\/)e(\/)ber how he pushed you out of the way of what would have been a fatal blow? That was only the first of (\/)any ti(\/)es that he would save your life, and you in turn would save his.” TROLL HENRY TRAVERS WIPED A TEAR FROM HIS RIGHT CHEEK. “But in this Karkatless world, none of that ever happened. Nobody was here to defend you fro(\/) that first giclops, and your story was over when it had hardly begun.”

“Oh WoW, mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs, I lIkE cLoWnS,” GAMZEE HONKED. HE HADN'T REALLY LEARNED ANYTHING BECAUSE HE WAS KIND OF DUMB AND SPACED OUT, BUT THAT WAS OKAY BECAUSE I GUESS HE HADN'T REALLY BEEN AN ASSHOLE TO KARKAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THE PLACE THEY VISITED NEXT WAS CLEARLY THE SITE OF A BLOODY AND DESTRUCTIVE BATTLE. BITS OF TROLL WERE SPATTERED EVERYWHERE. THE WHOLE AREA LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A FRUIT SALAD THAT HAD BEEN SET ON FIRE.

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS ADJUSTED HIS BOW TIE MOURNFULLY. “Equius, it was your arrogance that led to this tragedy.”

“D--> What do you mean”

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS LOOKED MOROSE.

“Since Karkat never existed, Terezi beca(\/)e the leader of the Red Team. When the teams co(\/)bined, only one of you could take over as leader of the entire group.

“You could not abide the thought of answering to Terezi. Her blood color was lower on the hemospectrum than yours, but not low enough for you to get off on her orders. She (\/)ight have been willing to concede the position to you had you de(\/)anded it; but instead, in a fit of rage, you ordered the surviving members of your tea(\/) to attack her.

“The Red Team came to her defense. Had Aradia fought with you, your victory would have been assured; but your fucked-up relationship had just swung into the caliginous quadrant, and she defected to Terezi's side. Every member of the Blue Team, apart from her, was killed.”

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS' GORGEOUS EYEBROWS CONTORTED THEMSELVES INTO THE MOST POIGNANT EXPRESSION OF WOEFUL REGRET PARADOX SPACE HAD EVER SEEN. “Only Karkat had the brilliant leadership skills and unusual blood color necessary to unite you. Without hi(\/), all was lost, because you nooksuckers seriously can't stop squabbling for five fucking (\/)inutes.”

“D--> Well, fiddlesticks. I suppose I should have better appreciated Karkat, if only for the seductive depravity of his mutant blood. Oh look, I'm sweating all over everything now because I'm disgusting. Someone get me a towel because I'm too goshdarn lazy to go look for one myself”

NEPETA MEOWED OR PURRED OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS CAT GIRLS DO WHEN THEY FINALLY REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THEIR LEADER WAS ALL ALONG. “:33 *ac thinks that karcat is pawesome! he mostly kept us all from killing 33ch other even though we tried really hard! it's like he's everybody's auspistice, only platonically!*”

SOLLUX REMOVED HIS SUNGLASSES. HE PLACED A HAND ON KARKAT'S SHOULDER AND LOOKED DEEPLY INTO HIS EYES, TO DEMONSTRATE HIS SINCERITY. “KK, ii guess even if your never exii2ting meant ii wouldnt have diied from the glub, ii would have ju2t diied anyway a few hour2 later. 2o ii wiill 2top briinging iit up and makiing you feel like 2hiit all the tiime.”

“Are we doooooooone?” VRISKA WHINED, REAPPLYING HER GARISH LIPSTICK, SINCE GOD KNOWS MAKEUP OUGHT TO BE THE TOP PRIORITY WHEN AN INVINCIBLE DEMON IS BEARING DOWN ON YOU. “This is so 8oring, 8ecause none of it has directly concerned me yet and I am a psychopath who has a8solutely no capacity for empathy!”

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS SHOOK HIS HEAD. “No, Vriska. There is one (\/)ore catastrophe for you to witness.”

HE TRANSPORTED THEM ALL TO THE FINAL SITE OF KARKATLESS MISERY. THEY ALL RECOGNIZED IT IMMEDIATELY. IT WAS THE BATTLEFIELD WHERE THEY HAD DEFEATED THE BLACK KING.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? THE BLACK KING STOOD TALL AND MOSTLY UNHARMED. THOUSANDS OF ARADIABOTS LITTERED THE GROUND, ALONG WITH THE BODIES OF THE REMAINING TROLLS.

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS LEANED DRAMATICALLY AGAINST A PILLAR, HEAD IN HIS HANDS. HE COULD HARDLY BEAR THIS TERRIBLE SCENE. “Terezi, you had the capacity to be a good leader,” HE TOLD HER MISERABLY. “Your talents for psychology and subtle (\/)anipulation (\/)ade you suited for the task (though you could never have matched Karkat's amazing leadership). Even with (\/)ost of your tea(\/) already dead, you (\/)ight have led the survivors to victory.”

“SO WH4T H4PPENED” TEREZI DEMANDED.

“Shouldn't it be obvious?” TROLL HENRY TRAVERS WEPT. “Have you forgotten, Terezi, that this is a world in which your destined (\/)atesprit was never hatched?”

TEREZI ACTUALLY STOPPED GRINNING LIKE A LOON FOR TWO SECONDS AS SHE CONSIDERED THE IMPLICATIONS.

“That's right. Without Karkat, your flushed quadrant was doo(\/)ed to be forever e(\/)pty. All of your concupiscent relationships quickly failed. You beca(\/)e depressed, unable to properly fulfill the responsibilities of leadership.”

“SO WH3N 1T W4S T1M3 TO F1GHT TH3 BL4CK K1NG...”

“You couldn't keep your tea(\/) coordinated. They flailed at the ene(\/)y like wigglers, and he cut the(\/) down in seconds. The last surviving (\/)e(\/)bers of your species were destroyed.”

WITH THAT, TROLL HENRY TRAVERS RETURNED EVERYONE TO THE VEIL. ALL OF THE TROLLS WERE UTTERLY SHOCKED BY ALL THEY HAD SEEN. A FEW OF THE WHINIER ONES WERE EVEN CRYING.

ARADIA SPOKE FIRST. “i always knew that y0ur leadership was essential t0 0ur success” SHE DRONED, “but i nevertheless t00k y0u f0r granted. n0w that i have seen with my 0wn eyes what y0ur absence w0uld mean i see that i sh0uld have been m0re respectful”

“Yes We All Should Have Appreciated You More. Maybe I Will Talk To You More Often Now” KANAYA SAID THOUGHTFULLY. KARKAT WAS GLAD TO HEAR THAT BECAUSE HIS OPPORTUNITIES TO TALK TO REASONABLY SANE AND INTELLIGENT PEOPLE WERE FEW AND FAR FUCKING BETWEEN.

“iT, uHH, rEALLY SEEMS LIKE YOU DID A LOT FOR US,” TAVROS STAMMERED. “bECAUSE OF YOU WE, uHH, gET TO LIVE FOR A FEW MORE HOURS, aND WE MADE A UNIVERSE, wHICH, i GUESS, iS KIND OF AN ACCOMPLISHMENT,”

“The stupid sack of shit is right for once,” VRISKA CONCEDED. “Plus, I wouldn't have lived to discover Nicolas Cage if it weren't for you!!!!!!!! Excuse me for a moment while I arrange my 8uckets in the creepy-ass shrine that I think no8ody knows about.”

TEREZI THREW ASIDE HER CANE IN SLOW MOTION AND HUGGED KARKAT TIGHTLY. “1M SO SORRY 1 PUSH3D YOU 4W4Y!” SHE SOBBED. “W3 4LL OW3 YOU SO MUCH 4ND YOUR3 W4Y B3TT3R TH4N 4NY STUP1D HUM4N BOY!”

TROLL HENRY TRAVERS' FACE WAS TRANSFORMED BY A HUGE SMILE. “I'(\/) so happy that you've all finally seen the truth!” HE EXCLAIMED. “This is the best Twelfth Perigee's Eve ever!” IT WAS TWELFTH PERIGEE'S EVE FOR SOME REASON.

ALL OF THE TROLLS THANKED TROLL HENRY TRAVERS FOR SHOWING THEM THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS. BUT HE WASN'T FINISHED YET.

“I want you all to be able to benefit fro(\/) Karkat's leadership for (\/)any sweeps to co(\/)e. So I'(\/) going to do so(\/)ething wonderful for all of you. I'(\/) bringing you into a world where the Jack Noir fro(\/) the hu(\/)ans' session never existed!”

SO HE DID THAT. KARKAT AND HIS TEAM GAINED ENTRY TO THE UNIVERSE THEY HAD CREATED, BECAUSE JACK NOIR WAS NEVER ABLE TO DENY THEM THEIR REWARD. THEY BECAME THE RULERS OF THAT UNIVERSE, AND KARKAT WAS THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY OF ALL. NOBODY EVER QUESTIONED HIS ORDERS, OR INSULTED HIM, OR WAS OTHERWISE DISRESPECTFUL. ALSO, TEREZI BLOCKED STRIDER AND NEVER TALKED TO HIM AGAIN.

OH, AND EVERYONE COULD SLEEP AGAIN WITHOUT BEING MINDRAPED BY HORRORTERRORS. SO THAT WAS REALLY FUCKING WONDERFUL FOR THEM, I GUESS. MEANWHILE US REAL TROLLS GET TO SIT HERE WITH BLINDING HEADACHES, FORCING OURSELVES TO STAY AWAKE WHILE WE WAIT FOR THE DEMON TO MURDER US. BUT AS LONG AS WE'RE ALL HAPPY IN MY FUCKING DIARY.

STUPID FICTITIOUS ASSHOLES. YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY THEY ALL DIED HORRIBLY, THE END.

Gaaaaaaaah, that took SO LONG. And I guess it is kind of dumb, but that is sort of the point of Karkat's Diary, right?

[Katrika]

That was the funniest thing I've read all day.

[ceruleanTresses]

Awww, thanks!

[DeadBrain]

So how about going more meta than ever?

[Hive/mind/cells]

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You are staring blankly into the computer, like you always do, finger hovering over the F5 key.

As usual you feel your cells buzzing, moving, switching, going out, going in, doing that weird sort of morion they do everyday. You lower your finger every few seconds, whenever the urge is too much to repress.

And it's been like that for years. At least you think they were years. There aren't even days here. You feel like it could have been only a few minutes. Not like it matters, the things you see aren't even recorded by your eyes. They go directly to the cells, and they always rejoice when the small pictures change. Sometimes you even see yourself, which is somehow disturbing.At that times you are tempted to get the pistol that have been laying next to you the whole time, and do the only thing besides pushing that goddamn key.

You are sometimes tempted to just go up and walk away, but you know you can't do that. After all the cells are you, and you aren't the cells. At the same time you know that you would happen to come across a stump, sooner or later and do that weird jumping thing you have thought about.

So you just sit here, doing that only motion, listening to your cells, your mind not even real enough to be there. You can't even hope to change, because your existence is led somewhere far away from reality. In a space that nobody thinks about, nor visits.

And so you sit. And refresh. All the time. Now. Ever.

I don't even know it qualifies as fanfiction. Oh well.

[Decker]

Slowly moving things to AO3. Any comments there, good or bad, would be appreciated.

[raequiem]

Dave's turn to make cookies!

Cutouts

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There was a commotion in the kitchen of the lab. Raised voices, clanging metal, smoke detectors and oven timers.

And it was only five in the "morning."

Aradia was the first to enter. She stopped just inside the door. And stared.

Jade, Terezi and Nepeta came next, obviously roused from a friendly sleepover roleplay session.

Terezi sniffed. "Oooh, wh4t's th4t? 1t sm3lls f4nt4st1c!"

"It's... he's..."

The rest of the trolls and kids trickled in slowly, still half-asleep.

"Wh8t the hell is going oooooooon down here! D8n't you know I need my beeeeeeeeauty sleeeeeeeep?" Vriska yawned. Jade held out a hand to stop her from going in.

The kitchen was full of Daves. At least six or seven, although it was hard to keep track since they kept moving. One was rolling out dough, another shuffling trays in the oven, another mixing like he had a grudge against whatever was in the bowl.

And on the counter nearest the door, spread out on cooling racks, were cookies. Dozens of them. Shaped and decorated like kids and trolls and consorts and imps. With colored icing. And gumdrops.

One of the Daves noticed the audience. "Oh. Hey- FUCK." He dropped the hot tray on the counter and stuck his hand in his mouth.

"Dave, what are you doing?"

"The hell does it look like, I'm making cookies." That was another Dave, who was carefully piping orange icing onto the horns of a troll.

A third called over, "My bro's famous recipe, you'll love them." He finished rolling and pulled out his sword, deftly slicing out custom shapes in the dough.

"Dave, isn't all this a waste 0f d00med parad0x selves?"

"Not really - everyone but the alpha Dave -"

"That's me."

"- is scheduled to go fuck with Noir in about -"

"Right n0w." Another Aradia shoved her way past the crowd. "C0me 0n, Knights, we d0n't want t0 keep him waiting."

The Dave with the icing bag sighed. "Thanks for the help, guys - give him hell for me."

Another Dave grinned. "You will." One by one, the paradox Daves summoned their timetables and disappeared, paradox Aradia close behind.

The kitchen was silent for a moment. One of the ovens dinged, and Dave set down the icing bag to pull out the tray.

"Dave, why..."

"Tradition." He chose a bag of black icing, and carefully piped pointy shades onto the face of one cookie. "I figured if John and Rose were going to make Christmas stuff I might as well share some of my own." Another, smaller cookie was given a ballcap and a gold chain.

"Yeah, we get that, but - why cutout sugar cookies?"

Dave grinned, popping an imp in his mouth. "You really don't get this 'irony' thing, do you?"

A/N

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There are a million and twelve sugar cookie recipes on the internet, so look it up yourself :P Mine are still cooling and almost ready to be iced.

Dave is the king of Christmas irony. He made cookies of everyone - kids, trolls, parents, sprites, carapaces, and anyone else who's ever appeared in the comic. Because why not.

Again, shortish chapter. And Jade's probably will be too, whenever I get around to posting it. Possibly not until two AM. Bluh bluh deal with it. Merry Christmas, all.

[Katrika]

I just had to crosspost this...
Burgled

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The shadowy figure of a troll snuck through the hive, snickering softly to itself. She had the purrfect plan to steal! She had made sure to pick a nice, helpless victim, and go in while he was sleeping. She had barely started cleaning out the silverwear drawer when she heard a squeak behind her.

“uH, pLEASE DON'T DO THAT.”

Whirling, Nepeta Lejion stared at the small wheelchair bound troll. She couldn’t believe it! This was supposed to be a perfect heist! And now she was going to get caught. Unless…

“:oo < i’m santa claws! i’m just making room for your purresant! go back to sleep!”

“i JUST WANTED A GLASS OF WATER, sANTA.”

Nepeta smiled cutely as she filled a glass of water and handed it to the poor crippled troll. This was going to be a piece of cake! The brownblood looked up at her with wide, credulous eyes.

“sANTA, i THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN.”

“:// < outsourced.”

A smile that on anyone else would be called sly spread over the face of the troll.

“yOU AREN'T, UH, WEARING A SANTA CLAUS HAT.”

“>:II < i spilled juice on it!”

“yOU DON'T HAVE A SANTA OUTFIT.”

“x(( < it’s itchy!”

Nepeta had the sneaking suspicion her brilliant plan was not going as well as she thought. It was time for plan C.

The C stood for claws.

With a ‘shink’ her clawgloves produced long, sharp claws that glittered in the low light.

“>:(( < i’m leaving!”

As she turned around to leave, she heard a click behind her. Something small, cold, and round pressed into the small of her back.

“i'M AFRAID I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT, mISS lEJION.”

And that is how Nepeta Lejion began working for a criminal mastermind.

[Tenebrais]

You can turn off smileys in the advanced mode of the post screen, or surround them with [noparse][/noparse] tags!