TROLL!COPS: The AU

[KOACD]

You should do it, WildBunny.
Just
cause.

[Wigmund]

I'm....I'm sorry guys...but the idea came to me to combine the Magpie with this....

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Bluh bluh, sad Nepeta art I don't even know.

...for a fic. I'm sorry.

One For Sorrow

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The various dark alleyways that make up most of The Settlements are normally places one would associate with having a picnic. But for the Karkat Gang, who grew up in these very alleys when they weren't bouncing around from orphanage to orphanage and shelter to shelter, these were the playgrounds of their youth.

Karkat himself didn't like returning to the past due to painful memories of barely scratching out existence while supporting his two friends, but he did it for Nepeta. Nepeta loved the alleys. She loved prowling around them pretending that she was a jungle cat loose in the city, hunting vermin and playing with her fellow feral city wildlife. And though he wouldn't admit it, he loved to watch her having fun, being young and free without worries about what crazy bullshit Mr. Pupa was going to send them on next.

Gamzee...well, Gamzee just enjoyed being with his two best motherfucking friends in the world.

Karkat smiled as he watched Nepeta crawl around a bunch of dumpsters that blocked any view of the Gang having this picnic from the nearby street. But, they had food that needed eating. After pulling that heist in Fort Skaian Mr. Pupa had given them some time off and a nice paycheck. Karkat was able to fix up their apartment, get some utilities for the year and a stable food budget, plus they had enough for special occassions.

Special occassions like Nepeta's birthday.

So Karkat had grabbed some of this 'Southern-style Barbeque' from a restaurant Nepeta drooled at everytime they passed it and then they let her pick where they had their party. She picked this alleyway, the one where they had all met for the first time and Karkat had decided he was going to protect the two fools.

She was so excited. She had never seen so much meat together on one plate before. There was beef brisket, pulled pork, shredded chicken and various other bits and cuts of those same animals. Plus Karkat had splurged and grabbed tons of the sides - baked potatoes, coleslaw, baked beans and so on. He had never heard of half the foods he saw on the menu in that place, so he wanted them to try it all. It looked delicious...and it was.

After they ate their fill, they had carefully packed up the leftovers. Waste not, want not. And then Karkat and Gamzee sat back to watch Nepeta at play.

Everything was going great.

Until they heard someone else in the alleyway.

"One is for Sorrow."
Karkat stood up and started to look around.
"NEPETA! GET BACK OVER HERE! WE HAVE COMPANY."
Nepeta bounded over to Karkat and looked around.
":33 < *The Lioness looks around curiously, for she wants to know who their new furiend is*"
"Nepeta..."

"Two is for Mirth."
This time the voice was directly above them. Karkat looked up but saw nothing.
"ThIs Is SoMe FuCkInG fReAkY-aSs ShIt."
Gamzee pushed their leftovers into a safe spot...had to protect the food...and stood next to Karkat and Nepeta.

"Three is for a Funeral."
The was a rush of air by the trio. Still they saw nothing.
":?? < Who are you? Did you come for my birthday?"
"Shut up Nepeta. I don't think our guest is here for that."

"Four is for a Birth."
":DD < I love babies! Where's the birth!?"
"Nepeta - Shut Up!"
"ThIs FuCkInG ShIt Is BlOwInG mY cOoL gUyS..."

"Five is for Heaven."
Again, the voice was above the group. Karkat looked up and saw someone.
CrowBro? No...different color suit...and this one had boobs.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCH!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The newcomer just looked down upon the three from the rooftop.

"Six is for Hell."
The not-CrowBro reached down to her belt and pulled something from it - a flashlight? Karkat watched as the flashlight became one of those energy swords he saw in previews for those sci-fi flicks. Oh shit.
":(( < Karkitty...what's happening?"
Karkat pulled out his sickles, prompting the other two to pull their weapons as well.
"Someone wants to crash the party Nepeta."

The woman jumped down into the alleyway and watched the three, she readied her sword.
"Seven's for the Devil himself."
And with that she charged them. Karkat readied himself to try, futilely, to block the woman's sword.

But then Nepeta pounced at her as she sped towards them, claws fully extended.

And Karkat watched, horrified as the birdgirl slashed off Nepeta's claws and then...and then...slashed open her belly.

Karkat dropped to his knees and screamed in rage and sorrow. The woman stopped her charge and turned towards Nepeta. The catgirl got up to her feet, reached a hand down to her stomach and brought it back up to see green blood. She turned to face her friends and stared at them with empty eyes.
"Kar...kitty?"
And then she collapsed, blood pooling around her.

The fucking bitch who cut her open turned slowly to face the other two.
"Prepare to join your friend scum."
"WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO TO YOU?!"
"What did you not do? You're thieves. You're murderers.
You stole the food you were just eating - didn't you?"

Karkat looked back the veritable trove of food they had left over.
"You...you just assume that since we were in an alleyway eating decent food, we must have stolen it?"
"ThAt KiNd Of ShIt MaKeS aSsEs OuT oF yOu AnD mE."
"Gamzee. Shut your hole."
"'KaY."

The woman walked towards them, energy sword held at the ready, and glared at Karkat.
"If you didn't steal the food, then you probably stole the money. If you didn't steal the money, you probably committed a crime to gain it."
"FUCK YOU BITCH! You may be correct about where we got the money from - but what FUCKING REASON would that give you to go around cutting us up?"
"I am here to clean this city. I am here to keep it safe."
Karkat stepped towards the woman, they were an arm's length apart.
"AND WE DO WHAT WE NEED TO SURVIVE!"
"Liar..."
"I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN TOWN LONG ENOUGH TO NOTICE, BUT IT'S A SHITTY PLACE. IF YOU'RE ON TOP, THE WORLD'S GREAT!"
Karkat paused and looked around their old home.
"But if you're homeless and poor, this is what you have to look forward to."
The woman didn't move.
"We do, what we need to, to survive."
He was trying desperately to keep his rage under control, can't say something and join Nepeta down there on the ground.

Oh god Nepeta, please be alive.

"I...I..."
"I guess you're one of the lucky ones. You never had to fight for survival. I can tell by that fancy suit you're wearing. Too much fancy shit for a poor crazy."
"Shut up! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH!"
They both stepped back from each other. The woman out of shock at losing her composure, Karkat due to the fucking freaky-ass way her voice went from obviously feminine to somewhat gravelly to demon that had been gargling acid in one sentence.

"Yes, we committed a crime to gain the money we had. We need it to stay off the streets."
Karkat pointed to his fallen friend. He saw her shift a bit. Still alive, thank gog.
"But today we were just celebrating her birthday."
He walked up to the woman so they were face-to-darkened helmet.
"If anyone deserves to be cut down her. It's me.
I'm the one who led Gamzee and Nepeta into this live of crime."
He teared up, in fear for his friends, and for himself.
"I DID IT SO WE COULD LIVE! AND THEN I FOUND OUT THAT I HAD MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL HIMSELF, SO I HAD TO PULL THESE TWO IN WITH ME."
Karkat spread out his arms and braced himself.
"SO CUT ME DOWN! PLEASE!"

The woman stepped back, stumbled over Nepeta who cried, face down into the alleyway's dirt, in pain and shock and fear.

"I...I...I didn't know."
Now the woman sounded like a small, frightened girl. Someone who had done something wrong and was facing the consequences for the first time.
"As my stupid sopor-addled friend said, 'assume' just makes an ass out of you and me."
Karkat leveled a sickle at the woman and looked at her with burning rage.
"And now, I'm going to make you pay for hurting Nepeta."
There was a police siren coming from the street at the alley's mouth. The woman looked past Karkat, down to Nepeta and then at the angry troll.
"No...I...I'm sorry."
And with that she disappeared. Literally.

"What the fuck ith goiing on down here?"
"1 sm3ll b4rb3qu3 4ppl3b3rry.
B4rb3qu3 4nd..."

Karkat turned to see Officers Captor and Pyrope walking towards them. Fuck. But wait, Terezi looked worried.
"G3t on th3 horn, Sollux. W3'v3 got som3on3 who n33ds 4n 4mbul4nc3."
Sollux looked at her but she just ran towards Nepeta's body.
"C4LL 1T NOW! N3P3T4'S DY1NG!"

Karkat, Gamzee and Officer Terezi Pyrope all leaned over the fallen girl as Terezi carefully rolled her over to check out her wounds.

Nepeta opened her dirt-encrusted eyes and looked up at them. She feebly reached up and stroked the police officer's hair.
":33 < Oh look, Miss Pyrope is here fur my purrty...hello..."
And then she passed out again.



Karkat sat in the waiting room outside the emergency room of Alternia General and worried.

Nepeta had been in there for hours. He had Gamzee go back to their apartment to store the food and wait there. No need to have Gamzee here freaking out, he could numb himself with sopor back home. It was better that way.

Karkat should be the only one to wait for news on his friend.

After a what seemed like an eternity, a cop walked up to him. It was Terezi again.

"You got lucky K4rK4t."
"You fucking call this lucky?"
"1 do. Most crooks who 3nd up 1n front of th3 M4gp13 4r3n't lucky 3nough to b3 1n on3 p13c3 wh3n w3 f1nd th31r corps3s."

Karkat stared at Terezi. They had spent their early years living next to each other in what would become the Lost District. But after The Disaster, they lost track of each other. That was, until she had busted Karkat and his gang robbing a convenience store so they could get something to eat.

After that, she had taken it upon herself to keep an eye (or nostril) out on him and his friends. They were never close like they were before hand, but she made sure that he could slip by on the smaller stuff. But she also was there to punish him if he got in over his head.

But right now, she looked protective and worried about Karkat, about Nepeta.

"That's who that woman was - The Magpie?"
Karkat realized just how lucky he had gotten. Well he and Gamzee. Nepeta...
"N3p3t4 4s w3ll. Sh3's go1ng to b3 f1n3. Th3 docs st1tch3d h3r b4ck up 4nd sh3's r3cov3r1ng up r1ght now up st41rs."
"Can I...?"
"Go 4h34d. 1 h4v3 qu3st1ons for you 4bout wh4t w3nt down 4t Fort Sk414n, but th4t c4n w41t. Go k33p 4n 3y3 on N3p3t4 K4rk4t."
Terezi gave Karkat the room number and a pass to let him through the hospital and then she left. Karkat ran as fast he could, up gog knows how many flights of stairs and down the hallway to Nepeta's room.

Where he heard someone else inside.

"Eight is for a wish..."

Oh no...

Karkat slammed open the door to see the Magpie standing over Nepeta who was still out cold from the surgery.

The Magpie leaned over the injury girl and popped open her visor, Karkat couldn't see her face from this angle.
"Nine is for a kiss..."
She closed the visor and looked up at Karkat.
"I'm sorry about this. I truly am and I know there's no way I can ever take back what I did..."
"You...I..."
She walked up to Karkat and opened her visor just a bit. He started to say something, but was interrupted by her giving him a quick kiss.
"Sometimes there are pearls to be found in the muck.
I seem to have found one of those pearls."
She turned to the open window she had apparently entered the room through, spread her wings and then flew off. Karkat just barely caught the last thing she said as she left.
"And Ten is for a Bird that you won't want to miss.

Karkat closed the window and went to sit beside Nepeta's bed. He checked her over, no new injuries and from the looks of it, the docs did a great job stitching her closed.

She'd have a lovely scar, but that was about it.

Then he saw something that the Magpie had left next to Nepeta.

A stuffed cat toy with a little brown bird in its mouth. Karkat smiled a bit and noticed that Nepeta had opened her eyes a bit and was looking at him.

":33 < The nice lady got me a birthday purresent Karkitty. She apologized for being so mean earlier and said it was all a misunderstanding."
Nepeta reached out for Karkat's hand, he took it and placed the cat doll next to her. They smiled at each other, Karkat desperately trying to not cry in front of Nepeta. He had to be strong for her.

Well, he smiled until Nepeta's loving smile turned into that chesire grin that she wears while painting their apartment.

":33 < When I get home, I'm going to need more jelly to update the wall."

Oh gog dammit.

bluh bluh, long ass story when I should be trying to figure out what to do next in the Teapot Mystery. But this was tearing up my imagination too much to let me do anything else.

[gingerale]

Awww, Wigmund, that was wonderful. And the last few lines.


I should probably make a note that in my head Terezi's the mother. xD

[inexpediency]

It's a mystery even in my own head.

[Wigmund]

Mystery for me as well. In head-canon, hybrids can be pink-skinned and identical to regular humans except for horns. Since Maggie has her father's face, black hair and compulsively keeps the top of head covered with bird-themed knit caps; no one can figure out if she's a hybrid or not. Only she knows and she won't tell anyone.

[frostedWarlock]

Magpie

im n0t 0kay with this

though i might have Dave in-character hate the name for being stupid stupid and not ironic stupid, which fits in perfectly so I HAVE NO REASON TO COMPLAIN

also in my headcanon egbertman is still 13 so she should be like 17? 16? i dunno. Minor details like age matter to me.

Edit: Her actual superhero name is Magpie, but on her first adventure in this era she fucks up majorly and the media calls her crowBoob as a pun, so people can refer to her with both names. IT WORKS GAIS

[Wigmund]

Magpie

im n0t 0kay with this

[frostedWarlock]

Magpie

im n0t 0kay with this

*reads the "One For Sorrow" story you wrote that I somehow missed*

I instantly forgive you.

[gingerale]

Yes yes, the whole thing is going to stay as a mystery and all that. But I want it to be Terezi so there! xD

Okay, that's not a reason. <.<

[Decker]

Yes yes, the whole thing is going to stay as a mystery and all that. But I want it to be Terezi so there! xD

Okay, that's not a reason. <.<

Hell, that's the reason I use for most of the stuff I write.
Cause I want to.

[FieryBlacksmith]

I am now imagining a crossover betwen MSPA and Axe Cop.

I don't know how that would end, I just know that SHIT WOULD GET REAL IN WAYS SHIT HAS NEVER GOTTEN REAL BEFORE.

[frostedWarlock]

I am now imagining a crossover betwen MSPA and Axe Cop.

I don't know how that would end, I just know that SHIT WOULD GET REAL IN WAYS SHIT HAS NEVER GOTTEN REAL BEFORE.

That RP Log (SeppuCrow and Officer-Terezi Have an Adventure) I posted for was running on pure Axe Cop mentality.

[Wigmund]

Now that I've gotten the Magpie out of my system for now,
it's time to get back to the Teapot Mystery
Part 3 (Part 1, 2)

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The Alternia City cops made it back to the Peixes cabin to find that their host had already prepared dinner. Sollux was surprised at how good it was, but it didn't help that every time he relished a bite Terezi would start grinning at him. Dammit Pyrope, what now?

After that meal, Sollux and Terezi set up in the living room and started pouring through the folder they found in the armory of the Teapot Sheriff's Department. They poured through the paperwork, it was a meager amount - but it did list the disappearance victims and their last known locations as well as details about the event that forced the Sheriff to pay attention. Someone besides the few tourists Teapot seasonally received disappeared - the Sheriff's own daughter vanished from her bedroom in the middle of the night and then the Sheriff and his deputies were brutally murdered in their own offices.

The two cops tried to find any other clues that would help, but couldn't. Whoever had hidden the file did so quickly and fearfully - Terezi could smell it on the paperwork - they had prepped this as death was coming for them. She wanted to find whoever was responsible for this and make them pay.

Sollux was busy looking over the tourist disappearances, but unfortunately he couldn't make sense of everything since he didn't know what this area.

"Hey Fef? IIth there a map of the town iin the cabiin?"
"Yea)(, t)(ere's one mounted on a corkboard in the master bedroom. Do you need it?"
"IIf you don't miind."

Feferi brought out the corkboard and Sollux saw that it not only had the town, but several miles of countryside - including the Teapot Formation. Perfect.

Sollux used some thumbtacks and marked the locations of all the tourist disappearances, as well as the Sheriff's Department and the Sheriff's house. He looked at the map and cussed.

No pattern. It was all over the damned place.

"Fuck. Guethh we have to go back and torment the localth. II doubt they'll be any help."
"D4mm1t, th3r3 h4s to b3 som3th1ng 3ls3 Sollux."

Sollux went through the paperwork.
"No, there'th only the tiimeth and platheth the tourithtth diithappeared."
"Wh4t t1m3s d1d th3y d1s4pp34r 4t?"
"IIt'th all diifferent tiimeth, Terethii."
He pointed to a several pins.
"Thethe guyth diithappeared around..."
Sollux stopped.

He looked at the times for each person and clustered them by generally similar times. He then picked out the pins corresponding to them.

Except for the Sheriff's department and his daughter, it was a series of rings that circled the town. The later the time, the closer to town the person disappeared. The earliest disappearance happened halfway to the Teapot.
"Looks l1k3 w3'v3 got 4 p4tt3rn."
Terezi took a deep breath and then rearranged the pins. Not where they were placed, but the colors used at each location. It looked random to Sollux, but Terezi had her obsessions.
"4nd now 1t sm3lls lov3ly."

Feferi peeked of their shoulders and pointed to where the circle converged in town.

"T)(at's t)(e General Store. T)(ere's no way t)(e owner could )(ave anyt)(ing to do wit)( t)(is! He's so NIC-E."
The cops looked up at her.
"You know th3 own3r of th4t pl4c3?"
"OF COURS-E! I've come to t)(is town since I was just a small fry. Most of the people )(ere know my family!"

Sollux and Terezi glanced at each other.
"Tho...uh...Fef, do you want to come into town with uth tomorrow morning to help uth athkiing the localth about thiith cathe?"
"W)(y?"
"1n c4s3 you d1dn't not1c3 4t th3 town h4ll, th3y don't trust us."
"We're outthiiderth. Maybe they townthfolk wiill talk to you."
"O)()()(...."
Feferi thought about it for a moment then started bouncing around and doing her bubbly thing.
"-E-E-E-E-E!!! I get to )(elp my catc)( wit)( real police work!"

She hugged Sollux and then ran off to the master bedroom.

Terezi just gave the blushing troll her wide, toothy grin. He gave her a dirty look and then started to smile back at her.
"How'th Thtriider?"
The smile disappeared and he earned a cane upside the head.

Shorter than my recent fics, but I've been getting a little long winded recently and I want to spend the next part having the trio ask the locals questions.

[DJ-P0N3]

Homeless Andrew Hussie is awesome.
There needs to be more of him....



....here's more of him.
A night on the town

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It has been a few days since I chose to take up residence in this cardboard box. It is roomy, and my wife Ms.Paint is snug here with me. She often makes a mess of things but it tends to compliment the colors of my coat and avoids obscuring the lavish décor and texture of my glorious box.

With a single whim or so much I could turn this box into a mansion or castle, with me at its throne and my bride sitting beside me as we tell the police, whom would become our royal court, to overthrow all those that oppose us as our merry jester, the sweet cat Nepeta, dances about and weaves a story of joy and bliss to entertain me and mine wife’s infinite imagination.

Alas I do not abuse my godly power for that is wrong of any god. I merely tell the world that their savior has come. Whether they choose to believe me or not is their choice, but my words and lessons fall upon deaf ears as they continue to ignore me I will eventually have to scrap this world like I did the one before. A pity, that bard was so fun.

I rise to go on my merry way; I carry my bride with me. She is clumsy and spills paint every so often but it is not that much of a problem. Every passer-by looks exactly how I desire; the man with the hat is surely bald. The woman showing more cleavage than she should, a virgin. Yes this is my world, and I need to remind some kind gentlemen of that.

Those three hooligans run amuck in that alley way, I decide to pay them a friendly visit and teach them who is their lord and savior instead of that crippled mastermind. I start off kind, “Hello children. How does it feel to stand in the presence of a god?”

Karkat mumbles and then sputters out, “GET THE FUCK AWAY YOU INSANE PRICK.”

Gamzee adds on to his statement, “ThAt’D bE a FuCkInG mIrAcLe BrO.”

Ah yes, Gamzee’s predictable sense of humor and Karkat’s constant complaining. They were just as I designed them.

“Ah yes…” I whisper at first, then my voice begins to boom. “So you have not learned? I will let my wife show you just how amazing we are!”

She asks me to toss her at the foe and I kindly abide, she splatters them with her lovely paints. The sight of Karkat being in a pink dress is humorous as it condescends his usual angry nature, Gamzee wears a classy and svelte suit, that will show him who is the TRUE boss.

Nepeta looks at me, bug-eyed and innocent, as usual. She kindly states, “:33 < could you go away mister?
:33 < my friends don’t exactly enjoy your company.
<:33 < and you got us all messy with paint!”

Well she was a sweet one wasn’t she? I figure they have learned their lesson, for now. I wave at them and carry my wife close in my arms, she is tuckered out. I will let her rest, but we have others to visit on this fine day.
Yes
We
Do.

[Katrika]

...that is awesome.

Searching

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The glass crunched under her paw as she walked through the ruined streets. It had been three sweeps since the Great Distaster, The Day The Sky Fell, The Dark Day, or any of the other numerous names you heard around here. She called it, privately and in the quiet of night, The Day I Lost Her. She was still looking for her. Her child, her cub, her charge, Nepeta. Some of the other lusii who lived here in shame after losing their charges told her, either kindly or scornfully, that Nepeta was dead, but that wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t have failed so badly, not her, not the huntress. Oh, how she missed her cub!

She collapsed in the alleyway, hunger ripping her body apart from the inside. She had failed again, she thought numbly. She had failed to reach the Pupa, the one person who could help her find her lost cub.

She didn't notice the door open and the troll call for a medic. She had not failed.

[Wigmund]

Is that actually Ms Paint with him or does he tote around a bucket of paint and pretend that it is his wife?

[Thatoneguy]

Hobohussie is crazy, probably the later.

[DJ-P0N3]

Is that actually Ms Paint with him or does he tote around a bucket of paint and pretend that it is his wife?

A bucket of paint.

[Katrika]

Um, um, I edit-added a short story!

-points up-

[Wigmund]

Ooh, poor Pounce...

It makes me feel bad that I don't use the lusci, for instance giving Sollux a mother and large family in the Teapot Mystery. I just didn't see how they'd work once the trolls live alongside other groups like humans, consorts and carapaces and don't leave to join the conquest fleet when they reach adulthood. Maybe they're sentient animals ectobiologically engineered as babysitters for wealthy families.


EDIT: Oh gogdammit, I just realized something after re-reading at my fics that feature the Karkat Gang - The Raid and One For Sorrow.
Both of them end with Nepeta taunting Karkat about needing to update the shipping wall
Maybe I should write something about all the lovely ladies of Alternia City Nepeta's got with him on her shipping wall.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

I am now imagining a crossover betwen MSPA and Axe Cop.

I don't know how that would end, I just know that SHIT WOULD GET REAL IN WAYS SHIT HAS NEVER GOTTEN REAL BEFORE.

That RP Log (SeppuCrow and Officer-Terezi Have an Adventure) I posted for was running on pure Axe Cop mentality.

I thought that story sounded familiar...

Earlier I did ask if anyone in Homestuck had an axe, which was my subtle way at hinting at how I think it'd be awesome. Maybe it's just because I RP as Axe Cop on Formspring, but hey.

...wait, if Ms. Paint is a bucket, why didn't the trolls freak out about it?

[inexpediency]

I am now imagining a crossover betwen MSPA and Axe Cop.

I don't know how that would end, I just know that SHIT WOULD GET REAL IN WAYS SHIT HAS NEVER GOTTEN REAL BEFORE.

That RP Log (SeppuCrow and Officer-Terezi Have an Adventure) I posted for was running on pure Axe Cop mentality.

I thought that story sounded familiar...

Earlier I did ask if anyone in Homestuck had an axe, which was my subtle way at hinting at how I think it'd be awesome. Maybe it's just because I RP as Axe Cop on Formspring, but hey.

...wait, if Ms. Paint is a bucket, why didn't the trolls freak out about it?

A chainsaw is...sort of like an axe.

[crepuscularDissembler]

I felt like sketching Magpie in daily wear. The idea of "bird-themed knit caps" amused me and I decided that she has an ironic love of ridiculously cute stuff. So you get this candy-colored debacle of a getup.

It is pretty hard to match her color with "cute" colors, so this outfit became more egregious than it would have been otherwise.
And here is something romart-y:

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[Wigmund]

Oh god, that's great cD and the pink shades hiding her eyes are a great touch.

Plus, Marquise Mindfang Mr Pupa

...wait, if Ms. Paint is a bucket, why didn't the trolls freak out about it?

I figure it's due to Trolls breeding like humans now.

[Redikalus]

So I was writing something serious and then this happened:

The Contest

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All was silent in Simon’s Speakeasy, which was, contrary to popular belief, a perfectly legitimate bar with an ironic name. On one side sat over a dozen cops, including the veteran Officers Zahark, Megido, Pyrope, and Captor. On the other side sat the town’s ‘superheroes’; Egbertman, Crowbro, Space Lass, and The Culler, as well as Rose Lalonde, and a handful of humans, prospitians, and dersites. Tensions were rising as the two sides stared each other down. Officer Terezi Pyrope broke the stillness and walked to the empty center of the building. She stood there observing both sides for a few moments before grinning and waved her hand with a flair in the direction of the cops.
1N TH1S CORN3R, she began, announcing to the whole bar, W3 H4V3 TH3 T3RROR OF CR1M1N4LS, THE SW34TY STRONGM4N, VE3T3R4N OFF1C3R 3QU1US Z4H4444444RK!
Equius broke off from the police’s side to applause and cheers from the other cops. As he walked over he rolled up his sleeves and flexed, eliciting more cheers from his coworkers. When he made it over to Terezi, she gestured to an unoccupied booth at the center, and he sat down on the side with its back to the cop’s side.
4ND 1N TH1S CORN3R, Terezi continues, while she waved her other hand towards the other side, [COLOR="rgb(0, 0, 0)"]W3 H4V3 TH3 D3F3ND3R OF TH3 C1TY, TH3 W1NDY W4RR1OR, TH3 SUP3RH3RO 3GB3RTM4444444444N![/COLOR]
Egbertman stood up from his seat in between Crowbro and Space Lass. As he moved from his side of the room, he waves both sides, to cheers and whistles. He made his way over to the center of the room and Terezi led him to the table at the center. Egbertman took his seat opposite of Equius.
4LL R1GHT BOYS, 1T W1LL B3 B3ST OF THR33!
1 W4NT 4 GOOD CL34N M4TCH OR TH3R3 W1LL B3 DRUBB1NGS!
4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4! >:D
G3T R34DY!
Equius placed his right elbow on the table, with his arm raised and hand open, awaiting Egbertman. Egbertman mimicked Equius’ movements and clasped Equius’ hand. They stared each other down, waiting for the signal. Equius was confident that no human could match his monstrous troll STRENGTH. Egbertman knew that the Mangrit was in his blood and would let him meet this challenge.
YOU M4Y B3G1N!
The two men threw their strength at each other through their arms. Egbertman pushed Equius’ arm with all of his might. Equius underestimated the power of Egbertman’s Mangrit, so he must not have thrown in his full strength as Egbertman quickly overpowered him and Equius’ hand slammed against the table. Cheers erupted from Egbertman’s side of the room. As Egbertman released his hand, Equius began to sweat from the embarrassment of his STRENGTH failing like that. As both the boys lifted their hands off the table, Terezi’s cane slapped aginst the table where Equius’ hand once lay.
ROUND ON3 TO 3GB3RTM4N!
G3T R34DY FOR ROUND TWO!
Both men reset their arms’ positions. Egbertman grimaced as he gripped Equius’ sweaty palm and was worried about losing grip. Equius was ready for this human’s surprising strength and was determined not to lose again.
B3G1N!
This time Equius managed to throw his full strength against Egbertman and Egbertman was caught off-guard, thinking the previous show to be Equius’s full strength. By the time that Egbertman shook off the surprise and caught himself, his hand was nearing the surface of the table, and it was too late to recover. His hand smashed against the table, leaving a small crack. The cop’s side of the room went ballistic with applause and cheers. Terezi slapped the table with her cane again and began to laugh.
H3H3H3H4H4H4H4! >:)
ROUND TWO TO OFF1C3R Z4H4RK!
G3T R34ADY FOR TH3 F1N4L ROUND.
They both wiped the sweat off of their hands before resetting to the starting position. Staring each other down, Equius with his usual serious demeanor, Egbertman with a smile on his face, neither were going to underestimate the other again. As the two waited for the signal, the two sides of the audience congregated around the booth, aching to get a closer look at the match. The mood was building as each side was chanting their contestant’s names and both Equius and Egbertman prepared to summon up all of their strength. As Terezi raised her cane, preparing to signal the match, the door burst open and a handful of thugs walked in.
“Well Simon, it looks like someone hasn’t been paying their protection mone- oh, shit…”
The lead thug trailed off as he realized he had just walked into a room filled to the brim with Alternia City’s finest law enforcers. Terezi began to laugh maniacally.
4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4! >:D
LOOKS L1K3 TH3R3 W3R3 A CH4NG3 OF PL4NS, BOYS.
TH3 M4N WHO C4TCH3S TH3 MOST THUGS, W1NS TH3 F1N4L ROUND.
B3G1N!
Both Equius and Egbertman sprung from their seats towards the criminals. The thugs didn’t stand a chance and the two men barreled into them. By the time the dust had settled, both Equius and Egbertman were standing on a pile of three bodies each. Terezi walks up to them.
W3LL BOYS, 1T LOOKS L1K3 W3 H4V3 4 T13!
GU3SS W3 W1LL N3V3R KNOW WHO TH3 STRONG3ST M4N 1N 4LT3RN1A C1TY R34LLY 1S.
4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!

Basically this came from the idea that Egbertman was a Superman analog and thus he would have super strength.

On the subject of Magpie, what I really want to see after reading Wigmund's One For Sorrow is a fic containing both Magpie and The Weasel.

Edit: Avoiding double posting and posting the first part of my next fic here.

S.E.E.ing Double

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Sollux Captor was walking the streets of The Old Town, trailing the target of his latest investigation. Terezi was off helping with a manhunt for Karkat, so he has been alone for the last six days. The last four days have been tailing this flighty broad, and every once and a while she would just stand there and check this… watch thing? Yeah, let’s call it a watch. It had been cloudy all day long and now Sollux was beginning to sense a light drizzle coming on. 2hiit. His current investigation was hard enough without the elements interfering.
His target turned and entered a small building with a bright red awning over its doorway. It was the Walk-In Washer, a fairly successful laundromat. But Sollux knew better, it was a front of the Strider Mafia. This could be the break he was looking for. Sollux leaned against the wall, under the awning, in between the window and the door and waited for about fifteen minutes for his target to come back out. When she did, she was with a prospitian who was helping her carry a few large packages. He turned towards the pair but was greeted before he could begin.
Good afternoon Mr. Captor.
Well, I guess it’s not that good with this weather.
uh… 2ure…
m2 lalonde
are you aware that thii2 2tore ii2 run by the 2triider mafia?
Rose remained completely calm, retaining her polite smile. The prospitian seemed to fidget a little.
I am.
What of it, it’s still a good place to get your laundry done.
there ii2 an ongoiing iinve2tiigation iinto 2trider matter2 riight now
iim goiing to have to confiirm the content2 of your package2
Rose remained ever stoic as she put down the package. The prospitian looked nervous… or not, Sollux could never tell with these carapaces. Either way, she didn’t put down her package. Rose began unwrapping the folds of her package and pulled out a black dress.
You see? It’s just innocent laundry, nothing sinister.
2orry, you’ll have to 2how me all of iit.
Rose, still smiling, pulled out clothing after clothing, making a point of displaying them clearly to Sollux. Some of the clothes looked rather bizarre, but Rose was, admittedly, a strange woman. As she reached half way through the stack of clothes, it became obvious that some of the clothing was made for men.
care to explain thii2? Sollux asked pointing to the most recent article. Iit’2 clearly not your2.
Oh, yes. My friends, John and Jade, asked me to take some of their clothes in for cleaning with mine, and with Jade offering to pay, how could I refuse?
She let out a small laugh and continued cycling through the clothes. Once she finished going through her package, Rose nodded to the Prospitian, who reluctantly began to open her own package. Rose began to cycle through this stack of clothes. As Sollux watched, the clothes became more bizarre in general. Another oddity that Sollux noticed was that there were no underclothes, but he didn’t find it that suspicious. Rose finished showing him all of the contents, which turned out to just be clothes.
Well officer? Were there any problems?
no, 2orry for the iinconveniience, but ii had to be 2ure.
Of course, I understand. Could you help me pack them back up?
Sollux obliged, he didn’t really have a choice after forcing her to unload them in rainy weather. In a few minutes, the three of them had managed to pack them back up. Rose and the Prospitian picked up their respective packages.
Well, officer, may you have a good evening.
And with that, Rose and the Prospitian walked off. Sollux turned around and walked in the other way, no point in tailing her anymore for the day. Damn, he thought he had something with that.
Rose, the Seer, has been a staunch, invaluable ally of the APD for as long as she’s been in the city. But recently, Sollux has been thinking there is a connection between her and the Strider Mafia. The Mafia’s movements were strange and hand no real pattern to them. Rose, however, implied that there was. How could she know? And then there was the theft of confiscated artifacts from the APD’s vaults. That was one of the few cases that the Seer has abstained from aiding them with, despite the fact that the APD is certain that they were the source of many criminal’s strange powers. Combine this with the fact that the Strider Mafia generally robs their victims of such artifacts over any other objective and it would seem that the Strider Mafia would be the prime suspects of the case.
But if there is any connection between Rose and the Strider Mafia, it was a well kept secret. Coincidences aside, even Terezi couldn’t sniff anything sinister about this woman. But Sollux’s instincts told him that there was a connection and Sollux trusted his instincts. Sollux sighed, maybe another day of observation would turn up something.

*****

Rose arrived her apartment an hour later. She and the Prospitian set the boxes down just inside the door, Rose thanked the Prospitian for her time and dismissed her. As soon as the Prospitian left, Dave Strider walked out from his hiding place.
looks like the delivery went well
Mostly, I was stopped by Officer Captor.
that asshole is still following you
damn
did he suspect anything
No, I think he didn’t realize that these clothes were anything special.
yeah
until recently even we didnt know that some artifacts were full on clothing
Rose began unpacking the clothing again, separating the clothes into four stacks: hers, John’s, Jade’s, and the artifacts. The four stacks were roughly equal in size.
I will have to thank Jade and John for the clothes, they helped to ease Sollux’s suspicions.
you think he will keep following you
Yes, he didn’t seem completely satisfied with my explanations.
damn
if hes stalking you
it throws a wrench in the plan for transfer
I have an idea for that, but Jade’s the most likely to pull it off, I think.
Rose walked over to her phone. She lifted up the receiver and then removed a panel on the back of the receiver. Within lied one of Rose’s secure communicators. Rose pulled it out and called up Jade. Jade picked up almost immediately.
hi rose!
Hello Jade.
what’s up?
There’s something I want you to do before tomorrow evening’s ‘pick up.’
sure rose, what is it?
First, tomorrow before the pickup, you need to go to the Mayor’s house…

*****

Feferi Peixes carried the tray of tea back to the study. Her adoptive father had some important guests over and she needed to make sure they were treated perfectly; apparently a very important deal for the city was being struck. As she was about to open the door back to the study, someone opened the door from the other side. Out walked Jade Harley, a researcher currently working at the military base.
oh, fefer!
Jade, so you’re one of the guests! I broug)(t you some tea.
oh, um, i’ll have to take that from you here.
Jade grabs onto the edge of the tray.
the conversation is getting very… classified. : /
O)(, okay.
Feferi relinquishes the tray and Jade hurriedly takes it inside. Almost immediately afterwards, Jade returns with the empty tray.
apparently im not classified to hear it all either : /
oh! here’s your tray back.
Jade hands the empty tray back to Feferi. As Feferi begins to walk the tray back to the kitchen, Jade follows her.
how have you been? it’s been so long since we’ve seen one another.
T)(e whole mob mind-control t)(ing )(as s)(aken me up, but ot)(erwise I’m just fine.
do you have a boyfriend?
The question startles Feferi so much that she drops the tray. She sputtered out her response while trying to hide her blush.
N-no I don’t!
well, i was just asking because, yesterday, when i was getting some predictions from ro… the seer, she mentioned that tonight would be a lucky night for romance.
O)(… well… how have you been?
Jade and Feferi continued to talk and try to catch up. Feferi, however, was only half paying attention, because she was busy making plans for tonight.

Buckle in, this will be a long one, maybe not as long as teapot tho. (Not that that's a bad thing Wigmund.)