TROLL!COPS: The AU

[Spleen]

'wwell chief i think im going to havve to book you on one count of bein shockinly good lookin', he says, into a mirror.

[CalamityCons]

Snrrrrrrrrrrrrk.

[Coasterman29]

...just to find out Folwar Karatra is behind you. He is laughing like mad.

You just found out what his voice voice sounds like, he sounds weird.

"'/ou 4re 4 \/ery (ute (ouple! |-|a |-|a |-|a |-|a!"

Seriously, he pretty much skips saying the first letter, saying a little sound of it.

[Ra Zarudo]

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'wwell chief i think im going to havve to book you on one count of bein shockinly good lookin', he says, into a mirror.

I can only imagine what he says to himself in March Madness aka "Undercovver" mode.

"baby im gonna make you spill your secrets like you just got chainsawwed," he says, with a wink and a brief puckering of his lips.

[pimudragonfeline]

I had an Idea for a March!Eridan fanfic but I didn't want to do it let me find the text...

Because March Eridan and Sollux Going undercover in drag made a bastard love child that my muse had to tell me about:
H3Y 3R1D4N DO YOU W4NT TO B3 US3FUL FOR ONC3 1N 4N 1NV3ST1G4T1ON?
[Insert plot here]
…And that’s how Eridan ended up fighting [Insert Criminal Faction] in a tube top, pigtails, and a kilt.
(Please have Kanaya pick out the outfit.)

[CerfKite]

Welp, I don't usually care much for AUs, but this is simply amazingly good. Enough so that I'm spending my time writing fanfiction, certainly a first for me.

Blind Girl Bluff - Part 1

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The two goons threw the Karkat into the darkly-lit study. A roaring fireplace stood at one-side of the room, throwing flickering light across the place. Bookshelves lined the sides, and in the center that polished wood desk and large leather chair that the thief had come to hate. The chair spun round, facing Karkat who was still sprawled on the floor.

"aHH, mR. vANTAS, hOW NICE OF YOU TO, uH, dROP IN." snickered its occupant. Mr. Pupa, Alternia's most-wanted sat half-wreathed in shadows, half-wreathed in light. His monocle shone with the fire's light, a toothy grin sat on his face. Karkat pulled himself up,

"CUT THE SHIT PUPA, IF YOU WANT TO TALK WITH ME THEN, JUST. FUCKING. ASK. I DON'T NEED YOUR GOONS TO FIND MY WAY HERE." he spat. Pupa threw his hands up and gave a mock sigh,

"pERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT, pERHAPS WE KNOW EACH OTHER TOO WELL NOW, aND CAN DISPENSE WITH THE, uHH, fORMALITIES. aFTER ALL," Pupa leant forward, a snide smirk dancing on his face while the light danced eerily off his monocle, "yOU AND YOUR GANG ARE PRACTICALLY MY BEST AGENTS."

"LIKE FUCK WE ARE. WE'RE NOT ALL TWISTED PSYCHOS LIKE YOU, SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAVE FUCKING REASONS TO DO THINGS."

Pupa's smirk grew by several teeth,

"oH BUT YOU CAN BE. iF I SO WISHED IT I COULD HAVE YOU KILL ANYBODY."

"THE FUCK YOU CA-"

"yOU KNOW, i SOMETIMES WORRY ABOUT DEAR NEPETA. i MEAN, sHE'S JUST A POOR ORPHAN GIRL, wHY, i IMAGINE IF SHE WERE TO, uHHH, 'dISAPPEAR' nO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE. aFTER ALL, wHO'D MOURN A CRAZY CAT THIEF?"

"YOU FUC-"

"aND POOR GAMZEE, wHY, i DARE SAY THE ONLY PERSON WHO THE GOOD PUBLIC COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THAN A DISAPPEARED CAT BURGLAR, iS A DISAPPEARED DRUG ADDICT.

It was too much for Karkat, with the agility with which he'd scraped a living first on the streets, now with Pupa, he had his sickle at Pupa's throat. The criminal mastermind regarded the thug with a smile so wide it made Karkat nauseous. With cool nonchalance, Pupa reached over a picked up his glass of cognac, reaching over the sickle to drink it. He took a sip then glanced at Karkat,

"i SUPPOSE, iT'S LUCKY THEY HAVE YOU TO LOOK AFTER THEM, iSN'T IT?" he said, his voice an improbable cross between a vicious hiss and an off-the-cuff pleasant remark.

Karkat's stood silently, his throat blocked with insults. For the sake of Nepeta and Gamzee he had to back down, but if one thing living on the streets of a fucked-up city like Alternia had taught him, it was to back down without looking like a goddamn blubbering pansy. He pulled the sickle back from Pupa's throat, then with an agile swing sent it flying sideways across the room, where it managed to embed itself in a thick volume on a bookshelf. For the briefest of moments Karkat thought he'd seen a look of nervousness and surprise cross his hated boss' face, then Pupa's smile returned, and he gave a mock tut,

"i WISH YOU'D CHOSEN ANOTHER BOOK FOR YOUR, uHHHH, sICKLE CIRCUS ACT, i HAD BEEN MEANING TO READ THAT ONE."

"JUST CUT THE SHIT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT." Karkat snarled.

"oH VERY WELL, i WAS ONLY MAKING SURE YOUR FRIENDS WERE, uHH, sAFE AND HAPPY WITH MY HOSPITALITY. bUT SINCE YOU CARE SO LITTLE FOR THAT, wE CAN GET, sTRAIGHT TO, uMM, BUSINESS. pLEASE, tAKE A SEAT."

Karkat remained standing, arms folded, glaring pure hatred at the top-hatted Troll. Pupa shrugged,

"aS YOU WISH. nOW, i'M SURE YOU'VE ENJOYED YOU'RE RECENT, uH, jOBS. yOUR BURGLARY AT THE ALTERNIAN NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM WAS A BEAUTY, tHOUGH I MUST SAY YOUR ENSUING GETAWAY PERHAPS A TAD SICKLE-HAPPY."

Karkat glanced away, that had been Nepeta's fault, she had been distracted by a stray cat, which gave the cops the time to catch up to them.

"bUT ENOUGH OF YOUR PAST SUCESSES, tHERE'S MORE PRESSING THINGS TO DO. yOU SEE, i'M ALWAYS LOOKING FOR, uHH, NEW OPPORTUNITIES, aND WHEN THERE AREN'T ANY I MAKE THEM. tHAT'S WHAT SEPARATED US, mR. vANTAS, yOU WAIT FOR OPPORTUNITIES, i MAKE THEM."

"SHUT UP AND GET TO THE FUCKING POINT."

"tCH. wELL THEN. wHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR DEAR POLICE FORCE, mR. vANTAS? tHEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE, yES? aND WHAT OF THEIR STAR OFFICERS, mISS TEREZI PYROPE AND mR. sOLLUX CAPTOR? wELL, iN A WEEK'S TIME A CERTAIN TAVROS NITRAM IS HOSTING A, uHH, CHARITY EVENT, oUR GOOD POLICE CHIEF IS PROVIDING THE SECURITY AND HIS OFFICERS SHALL, oF COURSE, bE THERE, aND I WANT YOU AND YOUR FELLOW THUGS, mR. vANTAS, tO ALSO ATTEND, iN A VERY MUCH, uH, DIFFERENT CAPACITY, tHOUGH."

A sick feeling rose up from the bottom of Karkat's stomach. Terezi? Why was Mr. Pupa talking specifically about her and her partner? A horrible fear came over him as he finally realized exactly what he had gotten himself into, and what he had long-feared; that Mr. Pupa would make him act directly against his old friend. It had been bad enough being caught by her during various crimes, but if Pupa wanted him to attack her, well, Karkat didn't know if he could even stomach the thought. He was not as vicious and uncaring as he made out to be. He couldn't let Pupa see that though, he wasn't about to let this scumbag know how much he'd affected him. He slammed his fists on the polished wooden table,

"JUST. TELL. ME. WHAT. YOU. FUCKING. WANT!" he snarled like a deranged beast. Pupa grinned back at him, his two fangs prominent,

"i WANT YOU, mR. vANTAS, tO KIDNAP TEREZI PYROPE."

"WHAT."

"i WANT YOU, tO INFILTRATE NITRAM'S CHARITY PARTY, kIDNAP OFFICER TEREZI PYROPE, aND BRING HER TO THE OLD WAREHOUSE 413, bY THE ABANDONED FACTORIES. aND, iF SHE RESISTS IN ANY WAY," the fire suddenly seemed to jump and flicker more than before, Pupa's half-lit face became even eerier as his grin and monocle were illuminated, shining out from the dark side of his face, "aND MARK ME WELL, aNY WAY, iF SHE THREATENS TO CALL SO MUCH AS A CAT, kILL HER."

[Ra Zarudo]

I had an Idea for a March!Eridan fanfic but I didn't want to do it let me find the text...

Because March Eridan and Sollux Going undercover in drag made a bastard love child that my muse had to tell me about:
H3Y 3R1D4N DO YOU W4NT TO B3 US3FUL FOR ONC3 1N 4N 1NV3ST1G4T1ON?
[Insert plot here]
…And that’s how Eridan ended up fighting [Insert Criminal Faction] in a tube top, pigtails, and a kilt.
(Please have Kanaya pick out the outfit.)

Someone showed me a crossdressing Sollux pic on the Skype chat. Then, suddenly, idea:

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Fits in perfectly with weapon duality, too.

@Cerfkite: Ooh, kidnapping. Don't get that much 'round the fics. I'd like to see how the "bluff" turns out.

[CerfKite]

@Ra Zarudo: Really? I would have thought kidnapping would be a staple of anything involving evil geniuses. That and ridiculously complex plots and/or giant pieces of machinery, at any rate.

Blind Girl Bluff - Part 2 1

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Karkat slammed the door shut behind him in a pique of rage. Pupa was playing him like a puppet, like a damned puppet. He had been given a choice; either leave Gamzee and Nepeta at the mercy of that maniac, or betray his oldest friend and give her up to the aforementioned maniac, no doubt for no good purpose. Even if Terezi was technically the enemy - and had been for a long time - Karkat didn't think he had the stomach to actually kidnap her and leave her at the mercy of a troll who seemed to have no goals besides causing chaos and suffering.

"FUCK." he spat simply to himself. He turned the corner into the respiteblocks that Pupa had let him, Gamzee and Nepeta stay in. Nepeta was curled up on the couch, fast asleep, Gamzee was nowhere to be seen. Karkat checked the clock, no doubt Gamzee was off somewhere getting something to eat. The thug slid down besides the couch, sitting on the floor. He drew his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them as his mind thought through things.

On the face of it, it shouldn't even have been a hard choice; Terezi was an officer, one of Alternia City's finest no less, she was the enemy. It was her and her kind that had plagued Karkat and his two orphaned friends when they had been on the streets stealing for a living, and it was her and her kind that continued to plague them now that they were with Mr. Pupa. In a way, Karkat even felt some resentment and jealousy; she had managed to pull her life together and become a high-flying officer, while he had become nothing more than a petty criminal, and now little more than a serf under Alternia's most wanted.

But they had been friends, so long ago now it seemed. Not just friends, but close friends, maybe there had even been some red feelings. All through his time as a criminal Karkat had avoided her, making sure that they'd never have to confront each other, so that he wouldn't be forced to hurt her, and vice versa. Sometimes they had met, and she had been one of the few officers that Karkat couldn't bring himself to fight, absconding instead each time. He might have sold his soul to the devil, but he didn't want to give Pupa what was left of his honour; Terezi was an old friend, even if they had drifted apart and were now on opposite ends of both the law and society, he didn't want to betray her.

Besides him, on the couch, Nepeta stirred in her sleep, giving out a slight cat-like mew. Mr. Pupa's words echoed in Karkat's head,

"yOU KNOW, i SOMETIMES WORRY ABOUT DEAR NEPETA. i MEAN, sHE'S JUST A POOR ORPHAN GIRL, wHY, i IMAGINE IF SHE WERE TO, uHHH, 'dISAPPEAR' nO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE. aFTER ALL, wHO'D MOURN A CRAZY CAT THIEF?"

He buried his face further into his knees. He had no doubt that Mr. Pupa would be fine with ordering Nepeta's death or torturing or whatever the madtroll's mind could think of. She didn't know, she and Gamzee, they both had no idea. They thought Pupa was just some silly wannabe mobster, villainous perhaps, but just a mobster that they were currently working for, like the various street thugs they had done odd jobs for in the past. They had absolutely no idea how psychopathic their employer was, Karkat had seen him kill people for simple mistakes, order innocents attacked, even tried to burn down the orphanage in the city, only being barely stopped by Egbertman. Pupa was a psycho, and Karkat had doomed the three of them to be his unwilling thugs, if any of them tried to escape, Pupa had made it clear none would survive. Guilt rose in Karkat like a writhing snake; if he could go back in time and stop his past self from making that fateful deal with Mr. Pupa, he would. No amount of luxury was worth this, his friends deserved better than being hostages in forcing Karkat to obey Pupa.

"FUCK." he whispered again, repeating the word again and again into his knees. The door to the respiteblock suddenly slammed open, surprising Karkat to such a point that he gave a yep, jumping up, muscles tensed. Nepeta besides him did likewise, diving behind with sofa with only her head poking above it.

"WhAt'S uP, mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg BeSt FrIeNdS?" came the call. Gamzee stood in the doorway, holding a pie in both hands. Karkat breathed heavily, clenching his teeth,

"GAMZEE, IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN I'M GONNA FEED YOU YOUR FUCKING SHOES, THROUGH YOUR EARS." he growled. Nepeta tilted her head,

":33 < Aww, are you in one of your moods again, Karkitty?" Nepeta asked, giving Karkat a friendly poke. Karkat batted her hand away,

"NO, I AM NOT 'IN ONE OF MY MOODS'. SEE MY SURROUNDINGS, NOTICE A DISTINCT LACK OF MOODS."

":33 < Awww, I think Karkitty n33ds ch33ring up!"

"NO. KARKITTY DOESN'T NEED CHEERING UP. KARKITTY NEEDS TO TELL CAT-CRAZY AND PIE-CRAZY ABOUT THE JOB PSYCHO-CRAZY WANTS US TO DO IN A WEEK."

Nepeta's face fell slightly, Karkat was always so serious when talking about jobs, back on the streets he had been serious too, but had at least tolerated both her and Gamzee's quirks, ever since they'd signed on with Pupa he was always so serious whenever jobs were mentioned, almost neurotic even. Gamzee collapsed on the couch, the sopor pie still in his hands, he offered a piece to her, she refused politely, he offered a piece to Karkat, who made a disgusted face and a retching sound.

"PUT THAT SHIT AWAY. I NEED YOU CONSCIOUS TO UNDERSTAND THIS."

"AwWw, CaN't A mOtHeRfUcKeR eNjOy HiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg PiE aT tHe SaMe TiMe?"

"NO. NOW PUT THAT DOWN AND FUCKING LISTEN."

He told them about Mr. Pupa's plan, about the charity event the young millionaire Tavros Nitram was hosting, about how the police was providing security, and finally about the goal; kidnapping Terezi Pyrope and taking her to the abandoned warehouse where Pupa would collect her. When he had finished he saw with an infuriated look that Gamzee seemed to have zoned out, Nepeta however, sat with a questioning expression.

":33 < Why at the party?" she asked suddenly.

"WHAT?"

":33 < Wouldn't it be simpurrler to kidnap her while she's on purrtrol?"

"I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE PUPA'S JUST A DOUCHE WHO WANTS TO MAKE THINGS HARD FOR US?" Karkat replied dismissively. He had asked the same question of the boss-troll, and been met with a vague grin and no answer.

":33 < At least we get to go to a party!"

"OH YES. WHAT A FUCKTASTIC TIME WE'LL HAVE. WANTED CRIMINALS MINGLING WITH RICH BRATS AND ASSY POLICE OFFICERS."

":33 < Awww, Karkitty really does n33d ch33ring up!"

"DON'T YOU FU-" Karkat began, but he was too late. Nepeta pounced, sending the two of them flying backwards into the sofa. This awoke Gamzee from his dazed state,

"Aw, ThAt LoOkS mOtHeRfUcKiNg FuN!" he grinned, seeing the two of them in a pile, Karkat trying to fight off Nepeta who was trying to tickle him.

"GAMZEE, DON'T YOU FUC-" but Karkat was again too late, and Gamzee joined in.

Once the three were finally tired out, Nepeta left to go nap in her recuperacoon, while Gamzee lay snoring loudly on the floor, his head resting on the sofa, the empty pie dish next to him. Once again left alone with his mind, Karkat's thoughts turned again to Terezi Pyrope. Could he do it? Betray his oldest friend? Kidnap her and give her to a psycho-troll? A psychopathic maniac that'd probably kill her or use her as bait for some trap? Gamzee snored on the floor, he heard Nepeta get into her recuperacoon.

The bottom dropped in Karkat's stomach; he had no choice. Fuck honour and ancient friendships long since realistically dead. Terezi was the past. She was the cop with a strong sense of justice, he was the criminal who had killed and assaulted several officers, and worked for the most wanted troll in Alternia City. He shouldn't, couldn't fool himself with a friendship that couldn't exist. Fuck Pupa, he wouldn't kill her, even if she resisted, but he had no choice but to kidnap her, for Nepeta and Gamzee's sakes. Terezi had been his friend when all had been fine and life had seemed so simple, but it was Nepeta and Gamzee that had been his only friends during those tough years on the streets after he had left Spades Slick. The three of them had fought for each other, had risked their freedom and even lives just so that the others could eat, and when all was said and done current friendships beat old, nearly forgotten ones. Terezi was a grown troll, she'd have to deal with her problems herself, and if her problem sent Karkat as her enemy then life was just unfair but what could you do? You did what you had to in order to survive.

Also, some random sketches of Mr. Pupa while I was practicing with my tablet:

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[CalamityCons]

I'm really liking Blind Girl Bluff, CerfKite! It seems pretty good, and I'm excited to see what happens next. The cute little trollpile was nice to read.

[Huanir]

Two things:

Firstly, I just read Blind Girl Bluff, and I'm looking forward to seeing its ending. I don't know why, but my instincts tell me that Terezi is somehow already aware of Pupa's plot. As my instincts are usually wrong about this kind of thing, I'll just have to see where this goes.

Secondly, I updated my codebase for Kanaya, so that her stuff goes from this:

$str = $_[0];
while ( $str =~ m/\b([a-z])+\b/ ) {
    $firstletter = uc $1;
    $str =~ s/\b([a-z])/$firstletter/;
}
$str =~ s/'S/'s/; # Ugly hack...
return $str;

... to this:

$str = $_[0];
$str =~ s/\b([a-z']+)\b/\u\L\1/g;
return $str;

I'm reading a Perl book and picking up neat tricks like that. Wheee...

[CalamityCons]

I'm afraid that code stuff doesn't make sense to me, so would you mind elaborating?

[Huanir]

I'm afraid that code stuff doesn't make sense to me, so would you mind elaborating?

Sure thing!

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I have a Perl script that does all of my quirks for me. "1T'S H4RD TO TYP3 L1K3 T3R3Z1" took me about 30 seconds to type, and that doesn't even have color or anything. I could, naturally, become better at typing in quirks; all it would take is practice. However, it's not a very useful skill for me to have except in this very limited context. Since I'm already a professional code monkey at a giant multinational corporation, I figured I'd put my coding skills to work to do this work for me (which, really, is all computer programming is: getting a computer to do something someone doesn't feel like doing themselves).

There exists a language called Perl which is VERY useful for working with text. It extensively uses regular expressions, which are a tool for creating patterns that you match against strings. Since the trolls' quirks follow relatively simple patterns, I was able to write a simple script that did the quirks and colors for me. This is available in my code base post, along with instructions on how to use it.

The changes I made are specifically for Kanaya's quirk. In case you forgot, Kanaya Capitalizes The First Letter Of Every Word. My original code to do this looked like this:

1  sub kanaya {
2      $str = $_[0];
3      while ( $str =~ m/\b([a-z])+\b/ ) {
4          $firstletter = uc $1;
5          $str =~ s/\b([a-z])/$firstletter/;
6      }
7      $str =~ s/'S/'s/; # Ugly hack...
8      return $str;
9  }

Line 1 declares a subroutine (or something I can call over and over if I want to, such as when Kanaya has multiple lines of dialogue in a single file). Everything inside of the curly braces {} is the body of this subroutine.

Line 2 assigns the first parameter passed to the subroutine to the $str variable. In coding, you can use variables to store things; in this case, I want to store Kanaya's dialogue. The $_[0] thingy means that I should grab the first parameter passed to the subroutine. $_[1] means to grab the second parameter, $_[2] grabs the third, and so on. I only pass one parameter, and that's Kanaya's dialogue. I grab it in another script and send it to this subroutine.

Lines 3 to 6 constitute what's called a while loop. This means that for so long as the loop's condition (in this case, the "$str =~ m/\b([a-z])+\b/" part) is true, lines 4 and 5 will be executed over and over.

The condition itself is more complicated. "$str =~ m/**some stuff**/" is true if the data stored in $str (which, as you'll recall, is Kanaya's dialogue) matches the pattern inside the slashes. In this case, the pattern is "\b([a-z])+\b". This is a regular expression, and if you want to know how to create them yourself, I'd recommend looking up a tutorial online. The "\b" character means word boundary. This matches the beginning and end of every word. "[a-z]" means any lowercase letter. "+" means that the immediately preceding pattern should be matched one or more times. Therefore, this pattern matches any text that contains a word consisting of all lowercase letters (which, for Kanaya, should never happen).

You may have noticed that the "[a-z]" bit is in parentheses. That stores the matching text in the variable called "$1". The matching text is the first letter of an all-lowercase word. What we've got now is the $firstletter variable storing the first letter of the text's first word that contains all lowercase letters. But there's more! The "uc" command converts $1 to uppercase. Therefore, $firstletter contains the uppercase version of the first letter of blah blah blah.

Now the form "$str =~ s/**some stuff 1**/**some stuff 2**/" means that we should take $str and replace everything that matches the pattern in the **some stuff 1** section with the text in the **some stuff 2** section. In this case, it looks for the pattern "\b[a-z]", which means a word break followed by a lowercase letter, or in other words, the first word that begins with a lowercase letter. It replaces it with $firstletter, which contains the uppercase version. Because this is being repeated while the loop's condition is true, then for so long as there are words that contain all lowercase letters, their first letters will be converted to uppercase.

Line 7 is important because Perl thinks of "words" differently than we do. For Perl, a word consists of letters, numbers, and underscores; anything different than that (such as a space) constitutes a word break. I'll write a sentence on the next line and mark with the "^" character where Perl thinks the word breaks are.

^The^ ^content^ ^of^ ^this^ ^sentence^ ^isn^'^t^ ^important^.

You might have noticed that Perl thinks the "t" in "isn't" is its own word. That means this code will change this:

"The content of this sentence isn't important."

... to this:

"The Content Of This Sentence Isn'T Important."

Kanaya never uses contractions, so it's not a problem for this sentence. However, she uses possessives, so the apostrophe-s becomes apostrophe-S. Line 7 makes the S characters lowercase again.

Line 8 makes $str the "result" of the subroutine, and line 9 closes the subroutine.

There are a few problems with this approach. Firstly, let's look at an example:

"I want an iPod for Christmas."

My original code would change this to:

"I Want An FPod For Christmas."

That's because line 5 replaces the first lowercase word beginning with $firstletter, but $firstletter is the first letter of an ALL LOWERCASE word (the "P" in "iPod" means that the word doesn't match).

Secondly, the code is ugly. I don't know how to explain this to a non-programmer (and even a competent programmer might just say, "Well, yes, because it's in Perl"), but line 7 is a good place to start for understanding this.

The new code looks like this:

1  sub kanaya {
2      $str = $_[0];
3      $str =~ s/\b([a-z']+)\b/\u\L\1/g;
4      return $str;
5  }

Lines 1 and 2 are still the same, and lines 4 and 5 equate to lines 8 and 9 in the previous example.

Line 3 is more complicated.

Firstly, the pattern is now "\b([a-z']+)\b". This looks for word boundaries (by Perl's definition) between which exist lowercase letters and apostrophes. Because "+" is a greedy quantifier (which means it tries to match the biggest pattern that it can), this works for my situation: it will match an entire word, even with an apostrophe-s at the end. Also, notice that the "+" is inside the parentheses now. This means that the whole word is stored inside of $1 this time instead of just the first letter.

The "\u\L" section in the substitution string means that the text should be lowercase (that's the "\L" part) except for the first letter, which should be uppercase (and that's the "\u" part). Because the whole word is lowercase, I actually could eliminate the "\L" part without changing the function of the code. Maybe later.

The "\1" is basically the same thing as "$1"; it stores the matching, all-lowercase word. Therefore, I'm replacing all lowercase words with themselves with uppercase first letters. It's a much more elegant solution.

The "g" at the end of line 3 stands for "global", which means replace this pattern across the entire text. That way, I don't have to do the while loop.

The rest of my code base can be found in the link at the beginning of this post.

Fellow TROLL!COPS-ites, if this is the wrong place for this discussion, please redirect me.

-- EDIT --

I want to run a word count to see if this is longer than some of my fics.

[CalamityCons]

You probably should spoiler it a bit, but I think I understand what you're saying. At the very least, it will help me become a bit more competent with computer codes.

[CerfKite]

@CalamityCons - Thanks!

@Huanir - Thanks! Also, that code database is amazingly useful, it saves so much time when doing any quirks like Gamzee's or Terezi's!

Blind Girl Bluff - Part 3 2 1

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The charity event was in full swing now. Dozens of highly-distinguished and highly-rich guests stood around the large ballroom, discussing things over flutes of champagne or small bite-sized pieces of exotic foods or the like, fawning over those richer or better connected than them, or just catching up on life.

Karkat stood at the edge of the room, having abandoned his usual beaten pants and sweater for the prim and clean uniform of the staff at the Nitram Manor, complete with a set of stupid-looking and over-sized glasses, even his hair had been gelled back, all to give him the appearance of someone else. He was in a distinctly angry and unhappy mood, and it was all he could do to stop himself lashing out at the nearest person as he loaded his waitering plate with more unappetizing biscuits topped with pieces of what looked like a tentacle. He gritted his teeth, trying his hardest to put on a smile, but only managing a neutral expression. Restraining a pained sigh, he re-entered the mass of guests, offering them morsels from the dish with a silent glare.

He had been stuck doing this for a whole hour now; loading up the dish, offering it to random people, re-loading the dish, again and again, rinse and fucking repeat. He glanced at Nepeta, she seemed to be enjoying it more than her. Like him, she had abandoned her usual trench-coat and cat-hat for the staff uniform. He suspected she was actually enjoying being at such a rich party, even if she was only staff at it. Their eyes met, she offered a smile, he returned a impassive nod. She glanced at the great clock that sat on the wall of the ballroom, and her smile faltered slightly. Soon it would be time for her to act. The two of them were to act as the agents inside, while Gamzee was providing the way out, if he was still conscious, which for his sake he'd better be. Karkat had confiscated everything from the troll, every drop of sopor slime, every drop of Faygo, all of it, yet he had a horrible feeling that Gamzee would nonetheless find a way to be away with the fairies by the time they got to him.

Karkat glanced at Tavros Nitram. The young millionaire sat in his wheelchair, looking distinctly ill-at-ease with all the people crowded round him, either trying to make conversation or trying to congratulate him on a good party and a noble cause. Karkat suspected that Tavros had been forced into having this party out of some misplaced desire to continue his parents' philanthropic work, or some plan by his apparently-shrewd butler to ingratiate himself with the local community. He certainly didn't seem the type to willingly host so much as a date, let along a party for several dozen people. If Mr. Pupa was right, he would soon retire as usual, claiming some tiredness or the like, and then Nepeta and Karkat would act.

He turned round to return to the buffet table and his gaze passed Terezi's for the barest of seconds. A sick feeling rose from the pit of his stomach. He still wasn't happy with doing this.

Fighting? Sure he could do that. Killing? If it was absolutely necessary he could stomach it. Kidnapping a childhood friend? He felt disgusted with himself.

But if Gamzee and Nepeta were to be kept safe and alive, he had to do it.

All he knew, is that one day he'd make Pupa pay.

He felt someone brush past him, and saw it was Nepeta. With a casual air she flicked a wrist at the gaggle of people around Tavros then scratched her hair in a seamless and apparently innocent movement, all without stopping or acknowledging Karkat's presence. But he knew what she meant; he glanced at Tavros Nitram. The people were diffusing away from him, and the cripple wheeled himself out of the room, a relieved look on his face.

Now for Nepeta and him to act.

- - - - - - - - -

"bluh. what a fuckiing wa2te of tiime and money." Terezi's partner muttered. Terezi rolled her blind eyes behind her glasses,

"1T'S FOR CH4R1TY, SOLLUX."

"they could probably feed the ciity wiith all the booze and food they're 2coffiing down. and why are we here? the2e riich douche2 can pay for theiir own protectiion."

Terezi said nothing to that. Sollux was in one of his moods again. At times, he was a tough partner to work with, he could be fine and happy for weeks on time, then sink into either a deep rage or a deep depression at the slightest trigger, and stay there for weeks on end. It was best not to encourage him.

She agreed with him that this wasn't her idea of a fun time. A fun time would have seen her part of the party, not standing at the side like a wallflower, only allowed to watch. But policing couldn't all be chasing dangerous gangs and crazy villains. Sometimes you had to protect people you didn't really care all that much about, like the city's 'high-class' community. This was a gathering of extremely rich humans and trolls, perfect bait for a hostage attempt, after all.

"W3LL 1T B34TS P4P3RWORK." she murmured.

"bluh, ii 2hould have a2ked vrii2ka two take my place." Sollux continued. Terezi rolled her eyes again; gog, he really was in a fine mood. No doubt he'd continue to complain through the night.

":33 < excuse me, officer pyrope?" came a quiet voice. Terezi turned round. By the smell of it, it was one of the waitresses at the party, her uniform a rather untasty murky white. Her voice seemed familiar, but Terezi couldn't place it.

":33 < mr. nitram wants to, um, speak to you."

"OH? WH4T'S H4PP3N3D?"

":33 < i don't know, miss. he didn't tell me."

Terezi turned to her partner,

"YOU 4LR1GHT W1TH HOLD1NG DOWN TH3 FORT H3R3?" she grinned. Sollux looked unimpressed,

"whatever, iit'2 not liike anythiing'2 goiing two happen, the2e people are more boriing than..ii don't know, watchiing gra22 grow ii gue22."

As Terezi followed the waitress she couldn't help shake off some feeling she had smelled and heard the girl before. Perhaps she had met her while on patrol? Well, the best way to know something was to ask it,

"SORRY, H4V3 W3 M3T B3FOR3? YOU S33M...F4M1L14R."

":33 < oh, um, not that i know of, miss." the girl stammered. That clinched it, Terezi was sure that she had met this girl before, and it was clear that the girl knew it, and didn't want the policetroll to know. She narrowed her eyes behind her glasses,

"SO. MR. N1TR4M, WH3R3 H4S H3 GON3?"

":33 < i think he just wanted a paws from the party, miss. it's simpurrler than-" the girl stopped in her tracks as she realized what she had just said. Terezi's mind rushed, simpurrler, not simpler. She only knew one person in the entire city who enjoyed filling her speech with cat puns. A criminal no less.

"N3P3-" she began, only to be stopped by a heavy hand over her mouth from behind.

"NOT A WORD. JUST - JUST SHUT UP AND DO AS YOU'RE TOLD." came a familiar voice. Terezi recognized the rough tones immediately, but was also surprised to hear a slight uncertainty in it, a stutter that surprised her almost as much as its owner.

"K4RK4T!" she managed to gasp.

"YES, KAR-FUCKING-KAT." he growled. By the sound of his voice, he was not the only one wishing that it wasn't him. Terezi was somewhat aware of Nepeta binding her hands together behind her back, but was still more in shock of finding her childhood friend-turned criminal here, apparently kidnapping her by the looks of it. She knew he had become a criminal, she had even faced him down at times, but each time Karkat would abscond, clearly unwilling to face her. But now he stood right behind her, as part of some kidnapping or hostage situation or something. She could have kicked herself, she knew he now worked for Pupa, she knew he could easily be the one sent. Now she had to face her oldest friend, returned an enemy to both her and society at large.

Once her hands had been tied up Karkat spun her round, all while avoiding her blinded eyes. Nepeta stuck a gag on her, a simple strip of cloth, to keep her silent, and carefully the three of them - two criminals and a cop-turned-hostage, made their way out to meet Gamzee.

They had a rendez-vous to keep.

[sanzo15]

....

[CalamityCons]

I am really digging this story, kite.

Also, I apologize for the lateness of my fanfic, I'm still trying to figure out just how long it's going to be.

[zebtrestalala]

And here's the final section, finally. Ugh. I kept putting this off in fear of making a dissatisfying ending, but I'm going to post it now.

Ampora Files, Case 124: Section 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 [9]

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=> Jade: Panic

Mr. Pupa? Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. One of the most infamous and devious crime bosses in the city has your dog captive and is sitting in front of you.

“What do you want with my dog?” you ask, not really masking the fear in your voice.

He lets out a small chuckle, which is a bit more scary than a full fledged laugh. “I never wanted your dog, Ms. Harley. Not entirely. Getting your dog was just a way to get you over here for sure. What I wanted was you.”

What.

“What?”

“I want you to have dinner with me, Ms. Harley. You’re my special guest.”

“You what?” you exclaim. He wants you to have dinner with him?! This is beyond bizarre. Your mind is breaking in two trying to make sense of this situation. However, it does make one realization. “Where’s Eridan?”

“Oh don’t worry, I made separate accommodations for Detective Ampora,” he says with a far too cheery smile on his face that hints at less than good intentions.

“That doesn’t answer my question!”

“That’s all you need to know. Now, let’s get acquainted, shall we? First off, I want you to know that I was the one who told off Dr. Brinner.”

“You what?! You were his accomplice? Tavros, how could you?”

“That’s Mr. Pupa to you, Ms. Harley. I expect that you won’t make that mistake again. For now, why don’t you take a seat, and we can have a conversation like civil adults.”

A salamander dressed in robes shoves a seat right underneath you, and you end up falling back into it, your legs knocked out from underneath you. The consort lifts the chair up and places it at the smaller table that Ta- you mean, Mr. Pupa, is sitting at. The look on his face is possibly one of the creepiest you’ve ever seen, and you are filled with a mixture of fear and disgust from looking at it.

“Now, where were we? Oh yes, Dr. Brinner. You see, I have had an interest in ectotechnology for quite some time. It’s a very clean and easy way to develop new life, you see? From what I understand, your dog right here was one of the very first experiments with this technology, and it’s clear that he’s more than your average dog. Isn’t that right, Bec?” he says, giving your dog an approving pat on the head, sending a few green sparks flying in the air.

“By helping Dr. Brinner with his silly little vendetta, I secured a machine for myself. So far, the results at bringing back life have been successful, and now I hope to embark on creating new life for me to control.”

“Control? Wait, I thought…you can actually control animals?” you exclaim, everything coming together like a jigsaw puzzle in a Survivor competition. Something told Jut to kill your grandfather. That's what he said. Not someone. He wouldn't have known who it was if it was a force in his mind. “Then you controlled Jut to kill my grandfather! All for his stupid machine!!”

“No, Jade. While your grandfather’s unpolished technology was appealing, the real treasure was you.”

Special guest. Dinner. Real treasure. Kidnapping your dog to get you over to his lair.

This has all been an elaborate set up for a date.

“That doesn’t-“

“Your grandfather was holding back your true glory. I saw a woman who would grow up independent and brilliant, if only allowed to toss off her shackles, like I tossed off mine.”

“So you killed my grandfather to show that you loved me?! I was thirteen, you pedophile! And I don’t know how your parents were, but my grandfather loved me! It broke my heart when he died! So don’t go thinking you did me a favor!!” you scream, tears and rage filling your vision.

“But Jade, I do love you. I’m hopelessly flushed for you,” he says, a pitiful look coming over his face. But you’re not stupid. Underneath it is a look of calculating coldness and cruelty. “How could your grandfather possibly love you if he was gone all that time? You needed someone consistent in your life.”

“So it’s better to not have someone at all than to have someone inconsistent? Or are you saying that you were consistent, because I went to the pet store…every…other…day…” you say, trailing off. Oh god. Tavros/Mr. Pupa kind of was there for you, now that you think about it. Maybe he does actually care for you. But that still doesn’t change the fact that he used awful, underhanded methods to achieve your pity and dependence on him. He’s still a murderer. And besides, you’re kind of already spoken for. Maybe you can still diplomacy your way out of here, though, and use his feelings for you against him.

“Look, Mr. Pupa, I just…thank you for all the support you gave me in the past but I really don’t think I’m ready for a relationship with you and all that,” you say, thinking up words seconds before they leave your mouth. “I really just need to get Eridan and get back to my job. It’s just…good to know how it all went, finally.”

“Well, Ms. Harley, I’m afraid there’s not much left of Mr. Ampora to get right now. Terribly sorry to ruin your plans. Now, let’s stop beating around the bush and have a nice fish fillet for dinner, shall we?”

Oh god.

=>

Your name is Eridan Ampora and ow shit god dammit. You have NO IDEA where the hell you are right now but there’s this weird chick who kinda reminds you of someone else you know and a bunch of consorts and they’re not being gentle and shit you JUST bought that trenchcoat and they’re ripping it to shreds. Apparently their M.O. is “torture Eridan to death” today, as they rip with jagged claws into your shirt and tear at the sides. Several of them have knives, a few more of them have more elaborate weapons like pipes, cat o’ nine tails, and other nice things that look absolutely wonderful. Even though you’re not tied down or anything, your hands are bound behind your back, and you are being swarmed by a teeming mass. The odd troll girl just sort of sits and stares at you, wordlessly directing the shit show going down right now.

You pretty much have one shot right now.

You let out a sharp cry, and throw yourself into the fray. The knives tear at your sides, bloodying you up and wearing away. Troll hide may be a bit tougher than human skin, but it still gives away when assaulted by razor blades.

“Detective Ampora don’t try to fight it it will just make this harder”

God damn this sucks. This hurts and you really wish you weren’t this desperate. But a detective does what a detective must do, and you end up just thrashing your bound arms against a teeming swarm of consorts. They don’t want to kill you, outright. They want to hurt you first. And that was their one mistake.

It appears that the idiots forgot to check inside your shoes for your Panic Modus. It only works with increasing levels of blood flow, sweat, and adrenaline. Since you tend to work yourself up a bit, it generally isn’t very hard to access most of the items in it. The one you need to access, however, takes a bit of a workup.

You are crying. You are sweating. You are bleeding.

And with a single thought your machete, a tool no troll should ever have easy access to, ends up appearing in your hands, slicing through the cords binding your hands. With another thought, you summon the crosshairs.

=> Eridan: Get Diplomatic.

You go into a frenzy. You can’t tell which way is which from all the blood in your eyes, but everyone in this room is as good as dead. You think problem sleuth might be happy with you. Maybe. You grit your teeth, and scream again, louder than before, and it echoes off of the metallic walls of the room.

“So uncivilized Detective,” says the weird girl, echoing in your mind, before you hear a pop. You feel a presence in your mind lift, and you determine that she must have gone somewhere else. That thought process is sort of secondary to the bloodthirsty murder Sleuth Diplomacy going on right now. You are so pissed at these guys you don’t even know.

After a frenzied five minutes of ripping through nearly helpless consorts, you realize that the few that you didn’t kill have fled screaming from the room. The Ahab’s Crosshairs burning in your hands from the overkill, you consider pursuing them and making sure they pay. However, you realize that you still have a case on your hands, and that it is imperative that you meet up with Harley as soon as possible to make sure that she isn’t hurt. Or to make sure that someone gets to hear your last words. That is a lot of blood that you lost back there.

Your head aching, you trek onwards.

=>

“You’re going to make me eat him?”

“Oh, no, no! You think I’m a cannibal? Oh dear, I think I might have got off on the wrong foot to this relationship.”

“You think?!” you shout, ready to jump from your chair save the fact that the little Salamander wizard seems to have chained you magically to your chair. “Let me go, Pupa, please!”

“We haven’t even had the main course yet Jade! Surely you want to taste the fish? It’s exquisite!”

You seethe silently as dozens of consorts bring out a full course meal for 2, dozens of intricate and probably ill-gained dishes and silverware set on the table. The fish doesn’t smell half bad, and the sheer amount of it almost distracts you from the circumstances. As you are served, you feel yourself forced to pick up your silverware and take a bite. It is good, but your tears and bitterness overpower the taste of the food, turning it slightly sour in your mouth. You feel absolutely helpless, you feel like kicking something in frustration. It’s then that you realize your feet aren’t bound.

“So, Jade, what do you do for a living? I trust it must be something fascinating for a lady like you?”

Slowly, secretly, you lift up your boots and place them against the bottom of the table. You give a few test pushes.

“Oh, I’m a physicist. And I think it’s about time I had some force in this relationship!” Oh god that was horrible. Nonetheless, you push up against the table with all your force, knocking yourself back but managing to rock the table. About 3 dishes end up spilling over, and a few pans end up sliding and knocking into Mr. Pupa. You give a few more pushes, hoping to topple the table, spilling perfectly good fish everywhere.

“Where are your table manners, Jade?!” exclaims Pupa. “And you call yourself a lady?! And to think I was going to propose to you tonight…” he mutters, pulling out an incredibly ornate ring from his pocket.

“I wouldn’t have said yes!” you yell back.

"There wouldn't have been an option. ”

“I don’t think she’s worth your time, sir” says a third voice. Popping in from nowhere is the unearthly form of a curved horned troll. Though flesh and bone, something doesn’t seem right about her. “Such poor manners should be punished.”

“Patience, Aradia, I’m sure with time Ms. Harley will change her mind. I could always use a bright mind on my team, after all. See Ms. Harley? If you hadn’t been so motivated by your grandfather’s death, would you have dedicated yourself so much to the sciences.”

“It’s still. Not. Right!” you say, shoving yourself away from the table with every kick, and finally trying to tilt yourself onto your legs, balancing the chair on your backside. You don’t get far before your feet are bound and you fall unceremoniously onto your side, the chair staying bound to your body. “Now, Jade, you won’t feel much after I slip this on. Just say I do.”

It is then that Detective Ampora, bleeding, crying, and furious, busts into the dining room, his rifle brimming with a blue energy that seems as frenzied as the troll. The tension, seemingly impossible to top before, escalates to a new level as all the eyes in the room turn to him.

“Eridan!! Help! The salamander’s got me bound to the chair!” you yell. Eridan responds with a silent burst of energy from his rifle cutting into the salamander’s side, ruining its concentration. Leaping to your feet, and whipping out your [Jade’s Green Gun Name], you charge at your grandfather’s murderer. As you pull the trigger, you are blown back against the wall. Not the salamander this time, but Aradia. The bullet itself is held in place by psychic energy, quivering in place as you do the same. As Pupa grits his teeth in irate concentration, you realize that things might get very messy in here very soon. However, if he’s calling in for backup, he’s probably not trying to control…

“Bec! Go fetch boy!”

Your husky/retriever/strange alien hybrid perks up his ears, his bright mind freed from Pupa’s placation. He breaks into a run, fur bristling with bright green energy, and teleports right to where the bullet stopped. He catches the bullet in his mouth, and then continues on his path, crashing into Aradia. Her concentration broken, you slide down the wall, and are met by a happy, drooling dog. The mood doesn’t last for long, as swarms of consorts come pouring out from the woodwork, each controlled by the wrathful and calculating mind of Pupa, who darts behind the relative safety of his silver-lined chair, almost a throne.

Aradia flies to his side, seeming to teleport in a psychic flare that smells vaguely of strawberries. They both give a long stare down towards you.

You ready your rifle. This troll is going down whether he likes it or not. You fire off one shot, grazing the troll in his metallic legs as he dives out of the way.

“We must flee my love” says Aradia, barely audible above the din. You quickly realize that for all his carrying on about it, Pupa may have been facetious in his declarations of love. It only makes you want to kill him all the more. “You’re not getting out of here alive, Pupa!” you shout, firing wildly from your machine gun. Unfortunately, they all stop within inches of Aradia and Mr. Pupa, and hang ominously in the air for a few seconds.

“Same goes for you.” he says, and Aradia flicks her wrist at you, sending your frozen ammunition right back at you. You barely have time to react, but are instead tackled from the side by Detective Ampora. Tumbling down the stairs leading to Pupa’s private table, you land in a screaming swarm of consorts. Batting them away with the end of your rifle, you barely have time to see Pupa and his mistress shoot out the top of the house, shattering a skylight in the process. Damn.

“Jade wwe gotta get out of here,” says Eridan, screaming over the noise of the consorts. You almost bat him with the end of your rifle for uttering something so contrary like that.

“But what about Pupa?! We have to bring him to justice!” you scream back at him, over the roar of green blasts of energy that indiscriminately destroy the both the flesh of consorts and the ornate furniture of the Nitram Mansion.

“Yeah justice but not noww. He’s gone an absconded to wwho the fuck knowws wwhere wwith his freaky zombie maiden an meanwwhile wwe’re trapped wwith a bunch of manic consorts still under his control. Besides, killin him wwould only lead to more trouble trust me.”

“But you don’t understand! I have to do this for me! For my grandpa!”

“You’ll get your chance, Harley. But wwe havve an army formin an they all are thinkin just like Pupa right noww. Can your dog pull that trick it just pulled again?”

“Yeah, I suppose so. Bec! Take us home!” you say, realizing that Eridan probably has a point, even though you’d rather not accept it. You have to bring Pupa to justice. Now that you know. But not when there's hundreds of animals trying to gut you.

Before you can even think over what you said, Bec’s fur flashes a green light and the chaotic mansion of Mr. Pupa melts away into the peaceful mansion that you call home. Adrenaline still pumping, you half expect the suits of armor lining the walls to come to life and attack you. After letting your muscles relax, the weight of everything that just transpired collapses on you, and you similarly collapse into one of your many comfortable couches. Right now, home is one of the few places you’d like to be.

***

“It’s all ovver Harley,” says Detective Ampora.

[COLOR="#4AC925]“No it’s not. Pupa won’t stop there. We barely did anything to him.”[/COLOR]

“Yeah but you figured out wwhat happened to your grandpa an you stuck it to the guy wwho killed him.”

“I guess so. Even though…even though it didn’t go exactly as I hoped, thank you Eridan.”

“Yeah, uh, sure. No problem Jade just doin my job.”

What a jerk. He can’t even take a compliment right. You can see the blush on his face, though, and even though he tries to blow it off, acting hardboiled, you can see that a little compliment warmed his hardboiled heart.

“I’ll get the money to you on Monday, okay? I just need some time to…you know. Unwind.”

“Right I gotcha. Keep it safe Harley. Knoww that I’m here if you need someone to get diplomatic.”

“Sure, Eridan. I’ll keep it in mind.”

***
dear journal

wwell the case wwas kinda a bust
in the end i think i did wwhat wwas best for the city an me but probably not for harley
wwe both agreed that the case wwas as close to closin as it wwas gonna get
pupa aint a force that can be messed wwith lightly an neither of us wwanted to do it
its a tough choice to make leavvin a psychopath wwho wwants my client dead out there an i dont knoww if its right but

its just

its hardboiled journal
bein a detectivve in this city
its hardboiled an nobody understands

that bein said im gonna givve myself the next wweek off

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So I mighthave planned those last couple of lines from the very start. Okay, yeah I did. Anyways, it started off with the idea, hey Tavros is an evil mastermind in this world, why not delve deeper into the one murder he was actually responsible for in canon, that being Jade's Grandpa.

Of course, Mr. Pupa makes everything far more complicated and devious, and Jade couldn't do it alone, plus I always kinda liked/felt bad for Eridan, so the two of them teamed up to discover what really happened all those years ago.

I have a short fic in mind, before delving into another massive odyessy of writing, involving another unlikely pair.

[mythmonster2]

A fantastic conclusion to a very good series! I've been in a writing slump lately, so that's why I haven't posted in here lately.

[Ra Zarudo]

@zeb: The great part about that fic is that I can imagine Eridan being all hardboiled AND "nobody understands!" as part of his character. I love it.

@kite: This looks to be leading up to one big strife and I can't wait to see how that turns out.

MEANWHILE, RANDOM CITY BIO:

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Cantown is WV's home district, famous for its distinctly cylindrical architecture and Tab soda factory. It is also - oddly enough - the district of the city least affected by crime.

Founded after the Skaian Wars as a refugee camp, the area was initially cordoned off from the rest of Alternia City over fears that Prospitian-Dersite violence would spill out. However, the camp not only remained peaceful but also grew into a relatively prosperous district of its own thanks to the leadership efforts of a young WV (and AR's enforcement of justice, which kept the Midnight Crew out of Cantown's boundaries).

It was this prosperity that provided the base for WV's successful campaign for mayor, though he's had a much harder time exporting Cantown's values to the rest of the city.

[CalamityCons]

I just finished reading all of Ampora Files, and I must say I really like it! It felt natural from beginning to end, it was confusing, full of hard-boiled-ness, and a great intro into Detective Eridan's history/life story/personality/role in Troll Cops.

[magnetoHydroDynamics]

This is basically the best thing since sliced bread.

It's Horrorstuck levels of genius!

[CerfKite]

@CalamityCons & Ra Zarudo - Thanks, both of you! I can definitely say it's pretty fun to write, so I'm glad you enjoy it as well.

@zebtrestalala - I just went back and read all the Ampora Files, it's great stuff! Eridan's not a character I usually like, but your backstory for him and personality definitely made him an interesting and nice character to read, and it was interesting to see him interact with Jade.

Blind Girl Bluff - Part 4 3 2 1

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Karkat and Nepeta stole their way through the dark halls of Nitram Manor. The stately home was mostly empty, most of the staff were still serving at the party or in the other wing of the home, attending to whatever Tavros needed doing. Between them stood Terezi, hands tied behind her back, a strip of dark-greenish cloth between her teeth. She allowed herself to be steered along, having already given up trying to escape, she was too well secured between the two criminals.

They came to an unassuming door at the end of a hallway that clearly wasn't frequented much. Karkat knocked quietly on the door. Nothing happened. He knocked harder, still to no effect. A rageful look on his face, he pounded on the door,

”I SWEAR, IF THAT FUCKER'S ASLEEP, OR GOT SOME SOP-” Karkat began, but he stopped as the door swung open,

”sOrRy, My MoThErFuCkEr, Bu-” Gamzee begun, clearly slightly more sober than usual, but still not all there. Karkat simply pushed past him,

”WHATEVER, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. LET'S JUST CHANGE AND GET IN THE CAR, NO NEED TO STAY HERE FOR LONGER THAN NECESSARY.”

Karkat and Nepeta changed back into their usual clothes, abandoning the clean white of the Nitram staff for their dark and used clothes. It'd be much easier to avoid being seen when wearing black than white, after all. The car stood outside the Nitram estate, parked in the shadows at the end of the street. Hugging the shadows, they made their way to it. Bundling Terezi into the back seat, they stuck her seatbelt on as an added restraint, then Karkat started the engine and with what seemed like a cacophony of noise it moved off.

The warehouse where they were to bring Terezi stood at the other end of town, deep in the industrial area of Alternia City, away from the more luxurious uptown neighbourhoods they were currently in. After maybe five minutes of driving Nepeta, sat besides Karkat, spoke up, wringing her hands,

”:33 < uh, karkitty?”

For a moment Karkat could have sworn he heard a muffled guffaw from Terezi. He kept his glare straight ahead though, but he could guess what Nepeta was about to ask, and he dreaded the question.

”:33 < what..."

Oh god, here it came.

”:33 < what's mr. pupa going to do with terezi, ex-cat-ly?”

Karkat sat silently, doing nothing but keeping his eyes fixed ahead on the road.

He had no idea what Pupa wanted with Terezi, but he could guess. She was a cop, one of Alternia City's finest, and one who had personally ruined several of the criminal mastermind's plans. Even if this was just a game to test Karkat's loyalty and boundaries, there was no doubt that once he had his grey fingers on Terezi, he'd make her suffer for each time she'd got in his way. Karkat had seen him have a Dersite torn apart for leaving a scuff mark on Pupa's favourite hat, his sick mind would no doubt conjure worse for the blind cop.

With a sick feeling, Karkat remembered that he was leading his childhood friend to her very probable death. But Nepeta didn't know; she had no idea of the extent of Pupa's viciousness, and Karkat had no desire to leave her conscience with the horrid guilt of having led someone to their torture and death.

”I...DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY A RANSOM OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.”

Again he heard Terezi, only this time she was protesting. She had clearly guessed just like Karkat that Pupa wouldn't want a ransom, he'd want a murder. His words echoed in Karkat's head,

“iF SHE RESISTS IN ANY WAY, aND MARK ME WELL, aNY WAY, iF SHE THREATENS TO CALL SO MUCH AS A CAT, kILL HER."

Doubt crept into Karkat's mind again, then he remembered Nepeta and Gamzee. All he had done was for them, all he was doing was for them. He glanced at the rear-view mirror. Terezi stared back. A memory unbidden came back to Karkat; from way back before everything changed, when they were both just small children and life was simple. He had hurt his arm falling from something - a tree he thought he remembered - and was both simultaneously crying, and trying to hide those tears from Terezi. The young troll saw straight through this – Karkat had never been able to keep secrets from her – and shook her head, grinning toothily as she always did. She grabbed his arm, making him yelp, and stared straight into his eyes, then mouthed two words;

”Grow. Up.”

Karkat hit the steering wheel furiously with his fist, again and again, while Nepeta watched, concerned, and Gamzee began to join in with the beat, beating on the back of the chair.

Karkat had grown up. He'd done as Terezi had told him, all those years and sweeps ago. The childhood friends had both grown up, to become enemies. And now one was about to lead the other to her death.

”FUCK!” Karkat screamed. He slammed his foot on the brake, jolting the car to a stop. Nepeta was looking quite scared now, while Gamzee had clued into Karkat's upset, and was also starting to look concerned,

”FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-”

”:33 < k-k-karkitty?” she asked quietly, ”:33 < are...are you ok?”

”wHoA, mOtHeRfUcK, kArKaT. yOu GoTtA bE mOrE mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl, HaVe SoMe F-”

”NO! JUST-JUST SHUT UP! PLEASE.” He glanced up at the rear-view mirror again, Terezi stared back impassively, her eyes veiled behind her red shades.

A sudden sound filled the car. A ringtone, coming from Terezi.

”GAMZEE, GET THAT. DON'T ANSWER IT.”

Gamzee did so, retrieving the mobile phone from Terezi's back pocket.

”iT's ThAt MoThErFuCkIn ReD aNd BlUe GuY.” he said, holding the phone up to his face by two fingers. Karkat glared at Terezi,

”HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING. YOU'RE GOING TO ANSWER, AND IF HE'S WONDERING WHERE YOU ARE, TELL HIM EVERYTHING'S FINE, AND YOU'RE JUST CHATTING WITH TAVROS OR WENT HOME ILL OR SOME SHIT. YOU MAKE ONE FUCKING ATTEMPT TO DO ANYTHING, AND I'LL-I'LL SLASH YOUR GUTS OUT AND GIVE THEM TO PUPA TO STICK ON HIS MANTELPIECE.”

Fuck, did he just stutter? It was an empty threat, he knew as much, and even if the stutter hadn't given away, Terezi would have guessed as much. Still, she nodded. Gamzee removed her gag, and held the phone to her face. At a word from Karkat, he put it on loudspeaker. Sollux's voice came through,

”terezii, where the fuck are you? people are goiing home, and iif you don't hurry ii'm gonna follow theiir example.”

”1T'S 4LR1GHT, SOLLUX. 1'M F1N3, T4VROS 1S JUST...SHOW1NG M3 TH3 P3TS H3 K33PS. YOU C4N GO HOM3, 1'LL F1N1SH UP H3R3...SO DON'T LOCK UP.”

There was a pause, then,

”fuck, all he wanted two do wa2 2how you hii2 pet2? bluh, that kiid ha2n't been the 2ame 2iince- well, whatever. 2ee you tomorrow ii gue22.”

There was a tone, and the call ended. Karkat sighed. Gamzee began to toss the phone between both his hands.

”:33 < karkitty? shouldn't we hurry if we don't want to be late?”

Karkat nodded, turning round. Another sudden rising noise caught his ear.

Police sirens. They seemed to be getting closer.

”:33 < pawlice!” The sirens got louder, they could make out at least two different ones. At least two cars. Karkat spun round, staring at Terezi. She stared back, if she had somehow told Sollux something then she was keeping it well hidden. The sirens were getting dangerously loud now. Staring out the car, Karkat could make out the lights of the police cars down at the end of the street.

”FUCK. EVERYONE OUT!” he shouted, grabbing his sickle. They bundled out of the car, Gamzee dragging Terezi, who simply stood silently, arms still tied behind her back. They threw themselves into an alleyway, rushing down into its safe shadows. Their fears proved right as the police cars stopped besides their own. Four cops got out, guns at the ready. Two humans, a Prospitian and a troll. No doubt they'd notice the lack of criminals and hostage, and begin searching around.

”GAMZEE, NEPETA. YOU TWO GO THAT WAY. DON'T FUCKING ARGUE! GO THAT WAY, WE'LL MEET UP AT THE WAREHOUSE. I'LL TAKE TEREZI, THAT WAY WE'VE GOT A BETTER CHANCE OF ESCAPING THESE DOUCHES.” Karkat whispered as quietly as he could. Nepeta and Gamzee nodded, reluctantly going down the alley, Nepeta giving Karkat a thumbs up and a last forlorn look before disappearing round the corner. Karkat hauled Terezi the other way, keeping his sickle on her. He supposed he should at least be glad she hadn't tried shouting for help.

They made their way through the dark alleys of the old industrial quarter of the city. Most of the buildings were unused factories and warehouses, long abandoned since the Skaian Wars, and now home only to several disreputable types. Disreputable types like Karkat. He ducked into a factory, pulling Terezi in after him, and fell back against a wall, breathing hard as he tried to calm himself and get his bearings. He was far enough from the cops now that he would be safe to wait a while. He only hoped Nepeta and Gamzee were safe. He had taken Terezi with him in hopes that they would chase after him and leave his two fellow thugs alone. He hoped to whatever gods there was that they would find their way safely to the warehouse.

”K4RK4T...”

”SHUT UP.” he needed to find a gag for her again. He should have told Gamzee to put the other one back on the moment the phone call had ended.

”K4RK4T, TH1S 1S US3L3SS! TH3 POL1C3 KNOW YOU'V3 GOT M3, 4ND TH3Y'R3 4LL 4FT3R YOU!”

”JUST, SHUT UP!”

”K4RK4T! W3 KN3W PUP4 W4S GO1NG TO TRY SOM3TH1NG 4T T4VROS' P4RTY. 1 M34N, SUR3 W3 H4D NO 1D34 TH4T 1 W4S GO1NG TO B3 K1DN4PP3D. BUT W3 KN3W SOM3TH1NG W4S UP. 4ND BY NOW SOLLUX H4S GOT TH3 3NT1R3 POL1C3 FORC3 OUT, 4ND NOW TH3Y'V3 FOUND YOUR C4R TH3Y'LL C4NV4S TH3 3NT1R3 4R34 4ND-”

”JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Karkat screamed. Terezi went silent, just staring at him behind from her shades, an inscrutable look on her face.

”K4RK4T...WHY 4R3 YOU WORK1NG FOR PUP4?” she asked suddenly, her voice soft.

”SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I-”

”WHY, THOUGH? H3'S 4 MONST3R, K4RK4T. YOU'R3 NOT. 4ND N3P3T4? 4ND G4MZ33? 1 M34N, TH3Y'R3 B4R3LY V1OL3NT, WHY WOULD TH3Y WORK FOR PUP4? K4RK4T. WH4T H4PP3N3D? WHY 4R3 YOU DO1NG TH1S?”

Karkat was having trouble breathing now, his face twisted with both rage and sorrow.

”JUST. SHUT. UP.” he repeated.

”1 W4NT3D TO 4SK YOU, WH3N 1 F1RST C4UGHT YOU ST34L1NG. WHY? 1 M34N, YOU W3R3N'T 4 S41NT 4S 4 K1D, BUT WHY D1D YOU TURN TO CR1M3? WHY D1D YOU H3LP TH3 M1DN1GHT CR3W? WHY D1D YOU JO1N PUP4? H3'S 4 COMPL3T3 MONST3R, K4RK4T! H3'S TR13D TO BURN TH3 ORPH4N4G3 DOWN! DO YOU KNOW TH4T? TH1S 1S WRONG, YOU'R3 NOT H3LP1NG YOURS3LF OR 4NYON3 3LS3!”

Karkat grabbed her by the arms,

”SHUT UP! he screamed, no longer caring if anyone heard, ”DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE ON THE STREETS!? RIFLING THROUGH SHIT JUST TO FIND SOMETHING SO THAT YOU COULD FUCKING EAT!? HAVING TO DECIDE DAY-BY-DAY WHO'D GO FUCKING HUNGRY THAT DAY BECAUSE THERE WASN'T ENOUGH FOOD!? NO! YOU'VE GOT NO FUCKING IDEA, BECAUSE YOU FOUND YOURSELF A NICE FUCKING SPONSOR AND GOT YOUR SHITTY ASS OUT OF FUCKING POVERTY CENTRAL BEFORE THE TRAIN PULLED IN TO STARVATION TOWN!

BUT I DIDN'T, TEREZI! I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE, I WAS JUST SOME KID WHOSE LUSUS HAD DIED, ABANDONED ON THE STREETS. SO WHEN SPADES SHOWED UP AND TOOK ME IN, I TOOK THAT CHANCE. FUCK JUSTICE, I WOULD HAVE DIED OTHERWISE! I'M SURE YOU'RE ALL LIKE 'OOH, BUT H3'S A CR1M1N4L K4RK4T', BUT HE'S THE GUY WHO SAVED ME, WHEN YOUR FUCKING LAWS AND SHIT DIDN'T. THEN WHEN I MET NEPETA AND GAMZEE WE DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE, WE HAD TO GO STEAL FROM THOSE THAT COULD AFFORD WHAT WE FUCKING COULDN'T, JUST SO WE COULD LIVE! I'M SURE IT'S A FUCKING DELIGHT STANDING THERE, SHOUTING ABOUT JUSTICE AND LAW AND SHIT. I'M SURE IT'S GREAT WHEN YOU'VE GOT MONEY AND RESPECT. BUT WHERE WAS YOUR FUCKING JUSTICE WHEN I HAD TO WATCH NEPETA AND GAMZEE GO HUNGRY JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T FIND ANY FOOD THAT DAY? WHERE WAS YOUR FUCKING JUSTICE WHEN WE'D HAVE TO SHELTER IN A FUCKING BOX FOR THE NIGHT? SO JUST SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T TALK TO ME!”

Years of anger poured through him, faded red tears formed in his eyes, he blinked them away.

”SO JUST SHUT UP.” he repeated, his voice dwindling to little more than a whisper now. Terezi's face remained inscrutable. Karkat looked away, letting go of her and leaning on the wall, breathing deeply. When he looked back at the cop, he saw teal tears beginning to run from the corner of her shades. She looked like she was going to say something, then stopped. She hung her head down silently. No doubt had her hands been free she would have buried her face in them.

Karkat grabbed her arm, leading her along. She went silently, not resisting. Warehouse 413, where they were to take her wasn't far, only five minutes walk away. Five minutes of awkward furious silence. When they got there, Karkat noticed the metal double-doors were already open. A voice called out,

”:33 < karkitty!" Nepeta pounced out of the warehouse, tackling Karkat with a hug, ":33 < i'm so happy you're safe! the pawlice chased us, but we got away. gamz33's inside. there's no trace of mr. pupa or anyone.” she pawed at his face, ":33 < have...have you been crying, karkitty?" she asked, wiping at the dried red marks his tears had left.

"IT'S NOTHING, FORGET IT." Karkat said simply. He pushed her off, allowing her a brief smile from him. Then he pulled Terezi into the warehouse. As Nepeta had said, it was empty. Gamzee sat leaning against the wall at the side, a Faygo in his hands.

So he had brought some with him, Karkat thought with a sigh. The indigo-blood have him a wide smile when he saw him,

”hEy, My MoThErFuCkIn BeSt FrIeNd! I wAs WoRrIeD sHiT fOr YoU. i ThOuGh ThE mOtHeRfUcKeRs HaD gOt YoU.”

”WHATEVER. GLAD TO SEE YOU TOO. IS THERE NOBODY HERE?” Gamzee pointed at the far wall. Karkat could see a small square of white on it. As he got closer he could see it was a piece of paper. Dread rising within him, he got up to it. On it, written in Pupa's unmistakeable handwriting, were three words,

nOW KILL HER,

[Ashtastic]

Uh. I did a thing.

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[Ra Zarudo]

@Cerfkite: OH MY GOOOOOD. This looks to be a more ominous Pupa twist than "Would You Kindly," and I really want to see how that turns out.

@Ash: Nep needs kitty lips. Other'n that I like the thing.

[pentopMountain]

okey
So I found one of those 'Gotta find' things on Photobucket and was like "this so suits -person-"
so have an Equius.

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GOTTA FIND CRIMINALS.

Lol I can't draw human-based stuff to save my life.