TROLL!COPS: The AU

[trackingParidox]

Hey guys.
I'll try to keep this nice and simple as to not come off as extremely clumsy with my wording.
Really new here on the threads but this AU caught my attention pretty quickly.
So fast did it catch my attention that I whipped up a picture for it! Hope you like this newbie's artwork.

[trackingParidox]

Oops, the link didn't work...
that's embarrassing! I'll try again later...

Here, let me just put a link to the picture. I suppose the file may be to large to post on the thread.

Picture ==> http://xxxdemonicfusionxxx.deviantart.com/#/d3njwzz

[CerfKite]

@Ashtastic - Other than the kitty-lips like Ra Zarudo said, it's great. I love Karkat's hoodie. (From now on, Karkat has a hoodie as far as I'm concerned.)

@Ra Zarudo - Heh, I just read through "Would You Kindly", and I'm not sure, the only thing I can think of that could really top the twist is Pupa asking Karkat to kill him, but thanks, I'm glad you're enjoying the story!

@pentopMountain - Ha, lol. That would suit Equius! Also, welcome to the forums/Troll!Cops!

@trackingParidox - Nice! Always great to see great new talent! And welcome to the forums/Troll!Cops!

Blind Girl Bluff - Part 5 4 3 2 1

show spoiler

hide spoiler

The sickle sat in Karkat's hand. He gripped it with such tightness that his knuckles went white. In his other hand lay Pupa's note, crushed into a ball. Complete rage filled Karkat, Pupa had played him like a puppet, this hadn't been some plan to get a police hostage or whatever, this had just been some sick and twisted game to test Karkat's loyalty, and now the madtroll wanted the ultimate proof of loyalty; the murder of his childhood friend. He breathed hard, eye twitching as he did all he could to avoid screaming in fury. Nepeta lay on the other side of the warehouse, watching curiously and warily, Gamzee stood besides her. Terezi sat leaning on the wall, arms still bound behind her back, staring straight ahead at a rusting metal pillar.

After watching Karkat stand silently for a long five minutes, Nepeta approached,

”:33 < karkitty? where's pupurr? what did the note say?” she asked hesitantly. Karkat's glare fixed on her, but his expression softened,

”NEPETA,” he said softly, ”I WANT YOU AND GAMZEE TO GET BACK TO THE BASE.”

”:33 < but-”

”NO, NO FUCKING 'BUTS', JUST DO WHAT THE FUCK I'M TELLING YOU! PLEASE!”

Nepeta's expression made it clear she had lost all understanding of the situation. But she nodded silently, moving away. Karkat watched her leave, taking Gamzee by the arm. The clown troll stopped for a second to give Karkat a thumbs up. He wondered if Gamzee had read the note, did he know? And what about Nepeta? He couldn't bear the idea that she knew just how deep the shit had got. He had sworn he wouldn't kill Terezi, but if he didn't do as Pupa asked, then there was no telling what he'd do to Gamzee and Nepeta.

After they had gone Karkat let himself collapse into a sitting position away from Terezi, but also leaning against the warehouse wall. He put his head in one hand, his other hand still gripping his sickle. There was silence for a few moments before it was broken by,

”4R3 YOU GO1NG TO K1LL M3, K4RKL3S?”

”SHUT. UP. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW AND AT THE MOMENT THE ONLY FUCKASS I WANT TO KILL IS THE DOUCHEBAG WHO SENT ME HERE ON A MIDNIGHT PARTY GAME OF 'FUCK WITH THE EMPLOYEES'.”

”1'M...SORRY, 1 TH1NK YOU SHOULD KNOW F1RST. 1 TR13D TO F1ND YOU 4FT3R...4FT3R 3V3RYTH1NG CH4NG3D. WH3N 1 GOT 1NTO TH3 POL1C3 FORC3, 1 SP3NT SO MUCH T1M3 CH4S1NG UP CR1M1N4LS TH4T 1 FORGOT TO CH4S3 UP 4N OLD FR13ND-”

”AND NOW THE OLD FRIEND IS THE FUCKING CRIMINAL, I GET IT. I'VE SAID ALL I WANT – TOO MUCH ACTUALLY – ON THE FUCKTASTIC SITUATION THAT IS MY SHIT-DROWNED LIFE AT THE MOMENT.”

”1 W4NT YOU TO KNOW K4RK4T, TH4T 1'M SORRY 1 COULDN'T H3LP YOU B3FOR3 YOU H4D TO TURN TO CR1M3; 4ND 1'M SORRY 1 ST1LL C4N'T H3LP YOU. 4ND 1'M SORRY, BUT 1 H4V3 4 DUTY TO TH3 C1TY B3FOR3 OLD FR13NDS, JUST1C3 STOPS FOR NOTH1NG. YOU'R3-YOU'R3 ON TH3 WRONG S1D3, 4ND WORK1NG FOR 4 FUCK1NG PSYCHO L1K3 PUP4 PUTS YOU SQU4R3LY 1N PL4C3 4S 4 PUBL1C-3N3MY OF GR34T D4NG3R.”

”WHAT THE FUCK ARE YO-”

Karkat never had time to turn to face the blind troll before the pole hit him, sending him flying back.

”1 GU3SS, WH4T 1'M S4Y1NG 1S; K4RK4T V4NT4S, 1 4RR3ST YOU 1N TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 L4W.” said Terezi, wielding the rusty metal pole she had picked up.

”HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET FREE!?” Karkat grunted, picking himself up.

”1F YOU W4NT TO K33P SOM3ON3 T13D UP, DON'T T13 TH3M UP W1TH CLOTH, 4ND DON'T L3T TH3M S1T N3XT TO OLD SH4RP 3DG3S OF 4B4NDON3D W4R3HOUS3S.” Terezi said, a tone of light amusement in her voice, she briefly grinned her toothy grin, before her face became serious again. ”SOLLUX W1LL B3 H3R3 SOON, PROB4BLY W1TH MOST OF TH3 POL1C3 FORC3. YOU'D DO GOOD TO G1V3 UP.”

”BY THE TIME THEY FIND-”

Terezi shushed him with a hand, reaching down to her shoes and pulling a small square chip out from her sock,

”TH3Y KNOW 3X4CTLY WH3R3 1 4M, 4ND TH3Y'R3 4LR34DY ON TH31R W4Y. 1 TOLD YOU, JUST1C3 STOPS FOR NOTH1NG.”

”WHAT THE EVER-HATING FUCK!? A TRACKER? A FUCKING TRACKING CHIP?!” Karkat growled. Terezi nodded. ”YOU KNEW, ALL ALONG YOU FUCKING KNEW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BE KIDNAPPED!”

Terezi's face stood dead-serious, her eyes hidden behind her red shades.

”1 TOLD YOU W3 KN3W PUP4 W4S GO1NG TO TRY SOM3TH1NG; TH3 WHOL3 TRUTH 1S W3 KN3W 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 W4S GO1NG TO DO, W3 JUST D1DN'T KNOW WHO H3 W4S S3ND1NG 4ND WH3R3 TH3Y W3R3 GO1NG TO T4K3 M3. W3 W3R3 HOP1NG TH4T WHO3V3R 1T W4S – YOU 1N TH1S C4S3 – WOULD L34D US TO PUP4, BUT 1 C4N'T T4ST3 H1S CHOCOL4T3 SU1TS SO 1 GU3SS NOT.

”HOW-”

”L3T'S JUST S4Y 4R K33PS CONT4CTS W1TH 4 C3RT41N S33R.”

Karkat gripped his sickle, and began to look round for the exit. Terezi's toothy grin returned,

”YOUR N3XT M1ST4K3: L3TT1NG YOUR 3N3MY G3T B3TW33N YOU 4ND TH3 ONLY 3X1T.”

She wasn't able to get another word through as Karkat let loose a cry of rage and barrelled towards her, swinging his sickle. From the way he was doing it, Terezi could guess he was actively trying to avoid hitting her, probably hoping to get her to move so he could abscond before Sollux arrived with the reinforcements.

She met his bluff, holding the pole out. Sickle met stick and the two locked eyes. Terezi attempted to pull the sickle from his hands by yanking the pole back with the sickle's curve still caught around it, but Karkat simply yanked it up and let it run up the pole with a hideous screeching noise before reaching the end. He swung again, closer this time. Terezi caught his weapon with her make-shift one once-more.

”YOU'R3 NOT GO1NG TO 3SC4P3 K4RK4T. 1'M SORRY, BUT JUST1C3 1S J-”

”YOU KEEP TALKING, WE CAN MAKE THIS INTO A NICE FUCKING MOVIE-STYLE ACTION SCENE COMPLETE WITH SHITTY DRAMA AND FUCKING SPEECHES ABOUT JUSTICE AND FREEDOM AND SHIT; THEN YOU MIGHT JUST WIN BY VIRTUE OF MY BEING TOO PHYSICALLY FUCKING SICK TO FIGHT.”

”H3H3H3, YOU H4V3N'T CH4NG3D TH4T MUCH, 4FT3R 4LL.”

Terezi swung the pole towards Karkat's legs, hoping to knock them out under him, but he neatly sidestepped, and hooked his sickle round the policetroll's weapon, then with a pull he sent her stumbling forward past him. He was about to turn and run for the exit when she managed to knock him over as she fell. The two fell together in a bundle, Terezi landing on top of him.

”H3H3H3H3, JUST L1K3 OLD T1M3S, 3H K4RKL3S?” she laughed.

It was at that moment that the wall behind Terezi exploded in a shower of bricks. Two figures stood in the breach, one tall and muscled, the other thin with mismatched glasses.

”D --> Officer Pyrope! Would it behoove you to get off that criminal and act your b100d!?!” Equius barked, looking affronted. Sollux rolled his eyes behind his red and blue glasses.

”2eriiou2ly terezii, thii2 ii2n't the tiime two fiill your quadrant2...”

Distracted, Terezi turned to smell their arrival, this proved perfect for Karkat, who grabbed his sickle with one hand, pushed Terezi off with the other, and sent the butt of the sickle slamming into her head. The blow proved enough to keep her down long enough for Karkat to sprint for the exit, narrowly avoiding being fried by twin beams of psionic energy from Sollux, and run into the night, his dark clothing blending into the darkness.

Sollux checked on Terezi while Equius moved out after Karkat. Though groggy, she seemed fine. She gave her partner a weak, but still toothy, grin,

”4LMOST GOT H1M. NO PUP4 THOUGH. TURNS OUT H3 JUST W4NT3D K4RK4T TO K1LL M3 OR SOM3TH1NG.” she said.

”thii2 wa2 all a total faiilure then.” Sollux said, ever the source of optimism.

”1 WOULDN'T S4Y TH4T. 1 D1D M4N4G3 TO F1ND OUT TH4T K4RK4T GOT M3NTOR3D BY TH3 M1DN1GHT CR3W, 4ND DO3SN'T R34LLY WORK FOR PUP4 W1LL1NGLY.”

”a total faiilure then.” Sollux repeated, ”e2peciially when you fiind out what el2e happened toniight.”

[Huanir]

What else happened tonight?

[amymist]

What else happened tonight?

[Spleen]

noir as fuck goddamn

[Doc Ock]

So a friend and I decided to make a forum rp of this AU.
Everything's credited and stuff.

[CerfKite]

And now the thrilling conclusion! In which all is explained with an excess of commas.

Blind Girl Bluff - Part 6 5 4 3 2 1

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Mr. Pupa was sitting back in his chair, reading a newspaper when Karkat stormed in. He looked up from the paper, giving Karkat a toothy smile,

”aH, mR, vANTAS, i WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL FOR YOU,” he said pleasantly.

”SHUT UP, WHAT THE FU-”

”wHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING SENDING YOU TO THAT WAREHOUSE SIMPLY TO, uM, kILL tEREZI, yES?” Pupa waved one hand in the air, ”wELL YOU, uHH, kNOW ME,” he grinned again, and stood up, striding to the side of the room and opening a cabinet. ”INSCRUTABLE MOTIVES AND ALL THAT,” he pulled out two glasses, and a bottle of some drink, and set them on his desk.

”YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO, YOU KNOW THAT?”

”wHY, kARKAT, yOU'VE ONLY SAID SO EVERY TIME WE HAVE A, uHH, cONVERSATION, i'VE PRACTICALLY COME TO EXPECT THAT EXACT PHRASE FROM YOU, lIKE SOME, uH, gREETING,” he poured some of the bottle into both glasses, and offered one to Karkat.

Karkat batted the glass out of his hands, sending it crashing onto the wooden floor, shattering and sending glass scattering across the floor. Pupa tutted, and his grin grew slightly smaller,

”i HAVEN'T PUNISHED YOU FOR, uH, fAILING THIS TIME, kARKAT, bUT AT ANY MOMENT i COULD DECIDE TO, kEEP THAT IN MIND,”

”WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT? WHA-”

Pupa silenced him with a hand, sitting back into his chair and picking his newspaper up,

”wELL WOULD YOU, uH, lOOK AT THAT?” he said, exaggerated surprise in his voice, “sOMEONE ONLY WENT AND, uHHH, bROKE INTO ONE OF THE CITY LABS, sEVERAL sKAIAN ARTIFACTS STOLEN APPARENTLY, aH, iF ONLY THE POLICE HADN'T ALL BEEN CHASING A, uH, cERTAIN SOMEBODY WHO KIDNAPPED A CERTAIN PRIZED OFFICER, tHEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STOP THIS, uMM, fOUL ROBBERY, wHAT IS THIS CITY COMING TO i ASK YOU,”

And just like that the gears clicked into place in Karkat's mind.

”YOU, YOU MEAN?” he said. Fuck, was he stammering again? Had Pupa's grin got any bigger it would have split his face in two,

”aRE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO, uH, dRINK, mR, vANTAS? yOU'RE LOOKING A BIT,,,pEAKED,”

”YOU. YOU RECURSIVE FUCKTON OF SHITCRAPPED DOUCHBAGGERY-”

”lANGUAGE, kARKAT, i MAY HAVE, uH, hIRED YOU FROM THE GUTTERS, bUT i DON'T EXPECT YOU TO SPEAK LIKE ONE,”

”ALL THAT KIDNAPPING SHIT, IT WAS JUST A DISTRACTION!”

Mr. Pupa laughed, and took a sip of his drink,

”i TOLD YOU, wHEN i FIRST TOLD YOU THE PLAN, tHAT i MAKE OPPORTUNITIES, i WASN'T LYING mR, vANTAS, sOME, uHH, rICH KID, hAS A CHARITY EVENT, pERFECT BAIT TO DRAW THE POLICE AWAY FROM,,,oTHER TARGETS, bUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH, tHE POLICE DEPARTMENT CAN HANDLE A BIT OF, uH, eXTRA SECURITY AT AN EVENT, i'LL GIVE THEM THAT,” Pupa's fanged grin glinted in the fireplace's light, “bUT WHAT IF i KIDNAPPED ONE OF THEIR STAR OFFICERS? wHY, tHEY'D ALL, uHH, cHASE AFTER HER OF COURSE, rARING TO SAVE HER! aND WHAT IF i HAD A SURE WAY TO STOP THEM FROM KNOWING ABOUT THE ROBBERY UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, tO MAKE SURE THEY'D PUT ALL THEIR RESOURCES INTO CHASING YOU AND YOUR GANG RATHER THAN, uHHH, pESTERING ME?”

”BUT, WHY MAKE ME KI-”

”wHY TRY TO MAKE YOU KILL HER, iS tHE, uM, bETTER PHRASE, i THINK, cONSIDERING YOU FAILED TO COMPLETE YOUR TASK, rEALLY, kARKAT, i'D HAVE, uH, tHOUGHT YOU'D HAVE GOT IT BY NOW, iT'S WHY YOU, nEPETA AND gAMZEE HAVEN'T BEEN PUNISHED FOR FAILING YOUR OH SO SIMPLE TASK, i WON EITHER WAY, iF YOU DIDN'T KILL HER, tHEN AT LEAST THE POLICE WOULD HAVE, uH, bEEN OUT MY WAY FOR THE NIGHT; iF YOU DID KILL HER THEN IT'D HAVE BEEN A DOUBLE BONUS, nO POLICE IN MY WAY FOR THE NIGHT, aND NO MORE pYROPE TO BOTHER ME IN THE FUTURE, a NET GAIN EITHER WAY, tHAT'S THE ONLY WAY PLANS SHOULD EVER GO,”

It was at that point that Karkat snapped. He grabbed Pupa with both hands by his suit, hoisting him up out of his suit, Pupa's ever-present top-hat went tumbling off, and he dropped the glass that was still in his hand, it fell on the floor, shattering into fragments like the other. But Pupa's face betrayed no fear or anxiety, a huge toothy grin took up his face, behind his monocle his eyes were filled with laughter.

”YOU FUCKING UNIVERSE-SIZED PIECE OF MUSCLEBEAST-SHAT SHIT.”

”wHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO kARKAT? kILL ME?” Pupa laughed, almost insanely, ”yOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN DO THAT? yOU CAN'T KILL ME kARKAT. yOU CAN NEVER KILL ME, nOT IF YOU WANT nEPETA AND gAMZEE TO CONTINUE ENJOYING ALL THE BENEFITS NOT BEING KILLED OFFERS,”

It was the first time he had explicitly threatened Karkat's two friends. Rather than calm him down it simply riled him up more, he drew one fist back,

”gO ON THEN, hIT ME kARKAT! bUT THEN WHAT? yOU THINK YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION? yOU THINK gAMZEE AND nEPETA CAN GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION? sO HIT ME, bUT i HOPE YOU CAN RUN FAST!”

For a long time Karkat hesitated, his fist still drawn back, trembling in the air. Then with a snarl he threw Pupa down and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut.

Pupa sat up in his chair, his smile still on his face, as he readjusted his suit.

”Well, that was worth the front-row seat I got.” came a voice from the back of the room.

”aH WELL, yOU, uH, kNOW HIM,”

Vriska stepped out of the shadows at the back of the office. She was dressed in simple plain clothes, the last thing she needed was to be seen in full police uniform hanging around shady areas.

”i DON'T THINK i'VE THANKED YOU YET, uH, vRISKA,”

”It was wriggler's play. Manipul8ing some weak minds to keep them away from their radios? Yaaaaaaaawn. Next time call me when it's something interesting, not something so 8ooooooooring.”

”mAYBE, bUT IT KEPT THE POLICE FROM KNOWING ABOUT THE ROBBERY UNTIL WE WERE ALREADY GONE, aNYWAY,”

”Well, you could at least have told me your entire plan; I thought you were going to 8e at the warehouse to collect Little Miss Goody-Two-8lind.”

”tHE LESS PEOPLE KNOW A PLAN IN FULL, tHE SAFER THE PLAN IS, yOU, uH, kNOW THAT,” Pupa rose out of his chair, ”nOW, i'M GONNA GO HAVE DINNER, wITH ALL THE, uHH, eXCITEMENT i HAVEN'T EATEN YET, cARE TO JOIN?”

”Thanks, 8ut no thanks. I've already eaten, and I'm watching my figure, it goes str8 to my hips, which isn't a pro8lem for you, of course.” the corrupt officer said with a smile. Pupa shrugged, ignoring her remark over his metal legs,

”aH, WELL, IF YOU'LL, uHH, eXCUSE ME, i THINK YOU KNOW THE WAY OUT?” He collected his fallen top-hat and replaced it on his head. He wore it everywhere, even indoors. It was part of his ensemble, after all. Then giving Vriska a doff of the hat, he left the room.

Vriska's smile faded after the troll had gone. Alone in the fire-lit room, she sighed, and crushed a piece of glass under her shoe with a horrible screeching noise as it scratched the wooden floor underneath too.

The entire evening had been a waste. She had expected Mr. Pupa to be at the warehouse. She had sent the Seer the anonymous tip that Pupa was planning to kidnap Terezi at Nitram's party, she had arranged and manipul8ed so that the best officers Alternia City had would happen to be patrolling as close to the warehouse as possible without suspicion, she had arranged her entire plan around Pupa's presence at the warehouse. He'd be there, the police would sweep in and get him, that had been the plan. Instead the damned slippery mastermind had neglected to tell her that he'd actually be at the lab robbery. She was back to the drawing-board, needing another plan to get rid of this insane maniac. Sure, working with him had paid off well at first for her and the Mindfang Pirates, but now Pupa was growing too strong, he was already butting heads with the other gangs, and she knew that if left alone he'd eventually try to stamp her out too. He was growing too strong, and his motives........well, he didn't seem to really have any, which made it worse.

She crushed another piece of glass under her shoe.

No, Pupa really had to go. She'd failed this time, she'd succeed the next.

[CalamityCons]

Best story ever! I loved every second of it, and it really felt tied together. The characters were very consistent and I really felt for karkat several times.

Also, I apologize PROFUSELY that my story hasn't been updated yet. It actually completely slipped my mind and I now have another project that I want to finish before getting back to it, but I promise it WILL run through its course by January at the very latest! I won't forget it.

[LordHyper]

Decided to try my hands at this. Will not bother coloring the text though.

Going On a D8

show spoiler

hide spoiler

"PUPA, THIS IS THE MOST RETARDED PLAN YOU HAVE COME UP WITH YET." said Karkat.

The Diabolical Mr. Pupa and his gang of cronies are at Vriska's house. Why? Vriska is going out on a date with John Egbert, who is easily known as Egbertman. Seriously, is Pupa the only one who noticed that John Egbert's Egbertman? Whatever. The point is, Vriska and John has been dating for awhile, and the Pupa plans to use their relationship to make Egbertman do some felonies for him.

"rELAX, wE, uHH, HAVE TO GAIN JOHN'S TRUST, aND THE EASIEST WAY TO DO THAT IS TO HAVE HIM MEET, uHH, tHE FAMILY, oNLY THEN CAN WE EXPLOIT HIS POWERS." explained Tavros... oh sorry, Mr. Pupa.

"...Huh? Oh right, the exploitation thing.... )::::" said Vriska. She had authentically grown to love the teenage human, and feels pretty bad about the soon to come exploitation. The first manipu8tion she felt bad about.

"sO, uHH, rEMEMBER, nEPETA'S THE SISTER, kARKAT'S THE ANGRY BROTHER, aND, uHH, gAMZEE COULD BE ONE OF THOSE HUMANS CALLED AN "UNCLE". mEANWHILE, i, uH, sHALL PLAY THE ROLE OF THE FATHER." said Mr. Pupa.

":33 <*The VriskaJohn ship has sailed!*" said Nepeta cheerfully.

"YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS." muttered Karkat as he went off to sulk and perhaps laugh when this plan goes horribly wrong.

"SwEeT." murmured Gamzee. The doorbell suddenly rung, bringing everyone's attention.

"Hello! ...Vriska?" called out John from outside. Vriska opened the door to greet him. "Vriiiiiiiiska!"

"Aw... eight "i"s just for me????????" asked Vriska. Mr. Pupa coughed and rolled over to the door.

"pLEASURE TO, uHH, mEET YOU YOUNG MAN, i AM VRISKA'S-" began Mr. Pupa.

"Oh hi Tavros!" greeted John.

"....hELLO." said Tavros, clearly disappointed. He had after all spent 3 hours refining his role as Vriska's father.

"HeY tHeRe mOtHeRfUcKeR, i'M vRiSkA's DaD." greeted Gamzee.

"uHH, i WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FATHER GAMZEE." whispered Tavros.

"NaH mAn. YoU lOsT yOuR cHaNcE. So JoHn, hOw ArE yOu?" asked Gamzee.

"Good! It's great to meet you Mr. Vriska's dad!" said John.

"DoN't cAlL mE bY tHaT mOtHeRfUcKiNg nAmE. JuSt cAlL mE gAmZeE tHe SuBjUgGuLaToR tHe tHiRd jUnIoR eSqUiRe. ThIs iS mY oThEr dAuGhTeR, nEpEtA." said Gamzee.

":33 <Purreased to meet you!" greeted Nepeta.

"AnD tHeRe'S mY sOn kArKaT. SaY hI tO tHe mOtHeRfUcKeR sOn." said Gamzee.

"NO! THIS IS SO STUPID!" yelled Karkat.

"get over here boy, OR I'LL BEAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS TO NEXT WEEK!" yelled Gamzee. Everyone awkwardly stared at him. Karkat rushed over.

"HIPLEASEDTOMEETYOUHOLDONINEEDTOMAKEASOPORSLIMEPIE ORTHISGUYWILLSPILLYOURGUTSEVERYWHEREKTHXBYE!" rushed Karkat. he quickly ran to the fridge, grabbing a Sopor Slime Pie. He offered it to Gamzee, who took some. Everything was chill once more. All Tavros and Vriska could do is facepalm.

"MoThErFuCkInG yUm. WhY aM i kEePiNg YoU wAiTiNg? GeT oN yOuR mIrAcLe dAtE yOu lOvEbIrDs." said Gamzee.

"Right! Thanks Gamzee the Subjuggulator the 3rd Jr. Esquire!" said John.

"Er........ see you guys l8r." said Vriska.

":33 <Byyye! Have fun!" said Nepeta. The door closed behind Vriska, who is now alone with John.

"Sorry about my family John. They can be weeeeeeeeird." said Vriska.

"Oh that's okay! To tell you the truth, my dad's into harlequins and joker stuff and..." droned on John. Vriska listened to John as they went off on their d8.

Author's Note:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

I wanted to make a more humorous fic than a serious one. Also, the characters shown are around 13 to 17.

[ragingArachnid]

in response to the fanfictions: THEY ARE NOW MY DRUGS GOG I CANT GET ENOUGH (and ive only read two! >w<)

[ragingArachnid]

CC, you've inspired a story from me, and I get the feeling it's going to be long.

Ghosty Trickster, Part One

show spoiler

hide spoiler

The graveyard was still and quiet. Dad doesn’t know it, but I like to go there after school some days. It’s a quiet place to sit and do my homework, unlike at home (one of the few disadvantages to living in a circus). I’d barely gotten settled under this big old oak tree when I heard a scream. Normal kids my age might have run at that point, but I’m not exactly normal.

My name is John Egbert, and at night I patrol the city as Egbert Man. I might be only sixteen years old, but I was bitten by a radioactive tornado, and developed superpowers as a result!

Wait, that’s ridiculous. Tornados don’t have teeth.

I think.

I’ve actually had superpowers for as long as I can remember. Dad says I fell from the sky in a meteor while the circus was in Kansas, and he had to beat off a couple of farmers by the name of Kent to get to me. Then again, Dad ALSO says that he once tamed a unicorn and travelled back in time to start the world’s first circus, so I take it with a grain of salt.

Where was I? Oh, right, the scream. As quick as I can (which is pretty quick, but not as fast as a speeding bullet), I run to this booth-like grave marker and change into my Egbert Man outfit. Gotta keep my indentity secret, after all! There’s no telling what would happen if word got out that John Egbert was Egbert man.

I even disguise my civilian identity by wearing glasses. Nobody has ever figured it out!

Oh man, I got off topic again, didn’t I? After changing into my costume, I ran over to where I heard the scream. There wasn’t anybody there, though. Just a gravestone splashed with dark red paint in a smiley face pattern. The top was chipped a little, like someone had tried to smash it. On the gravestone I could make out a name, Aradia Megido, and two dates. The second date was exactly a month before then, and there was a familiar crest below it.

Someone had defaced the grave of a cop.

I turned around to try to catch a glimpse of who did it, but instead came face to face with…her.

TO BE CONTINUED

lol! "bitten by a radioactive tornado"? thats just....... to awesome for words >w<

[CerfKite]

Best story ever! I loved every second of it, and it really felt tied together. The characters were very consistent and I really felt for karkat several times.

Aww, thanks! It was fun to write, so I'm really glad it was fun to read too!

I think I might write another story after I get back from Italy, I'm loving this AU too much to leave it there.

[insaneyanish]

"get over here boy, OR I'LL BEAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS TO NEXT WEEK!" yelled Gamzee.

DE-LURK TO SAY

holy eff what a win folks, just look at him goooooooo
(epic quote is epic)

[Domoz]

Erm, I don't know if this has been mentioned in here, I haven't really been keeping up, but there were some Troll Cops cosplayers at Otakon!
I didn't go but here are a few pictures from the internet

[CerfKite]

Troll Cops cosplayers? Awesome.

I love that picture of them with the donuts, I can just see breaks at the police department being epic fights between Terezi and Vriska as the two manipul8 and fight to take the tastiest flavors.

[Aquila]

I should probably keep up with this thread more. Anyways, something awesome happened in the TrollCops RP that I thought I should share with everyone.

Meet the new Mindfang:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

We thought it was more clever than having her be a generic pirate mobster/burglar or whatever. Her backstory is that Vriska was a dirty cop who would "acquire" sensitive things like legal documents, intelligence, and evidence for shady clientele. While poking down in the Lost District she encountered a shale imp, which attacked her and bonded itself to her body.

The outcome is this. Basically she has a lot of symbiote-like powers, think Venom from Spider-Man. She can climb walls, she can change the shape of parts of her body, she can create tendrils or "spider legs" to grab with, etc.

In this form she's almost completely made of a viscous black material akin to what shale imps are made of. The hair, mouth, and horns are all actually made out of her blood. She's impervious to blades, as they simply slice through her but otherwise leave her unharmed. Being made of oil-like material, she is very susceptible to fire, and since her body is mostly liquid she is unable to block out or withstand extreme noise.

[selanpike]

Hey guys, um... I'm kinda new and I haven't gotten to read all the thread yet (there's so much here), but this AU is kind of amazing and I really wanted to write something for it.
It's a little story about how I figure John and Karkat became friends in this universe. It's my first Homestuck fic, so I hope I didn't ruin the characters.
... oh, and I drew a picture of it, too! Actually I drew the picture before I wrote the thing, so here's the picture first:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Oh, and I guess the title could be, I'm not your friend, idiot.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

While Karkat paid close attention to the people around him at all times, he usually didn’t register faces at all. Nobody was ever a person, really, they were all just potential threats to himself or to his friends.
This face, though. He kept seeing this face.
At first it was purely coincidence. Karkat assumed that the kid’s daily routine probably brought him near Karkat’s hangouts pretty often. But over time, he kept seeing that kid all the time, paying a lot more attention to Karkat than Karkat was paying to him. It made him nervous. What was this kid’s deal? Karkat kept trying to figure out where his allegiances might lie. He looked too derpy to be involved with the Felt or the Midnight Crew, and obviously he wasn’t Dave Strider so he couldn’t be in the Strider Mafia. Maybe he was with the police, trying to collect evidence…
Karkat was sitting in an alley with Nepeta and Gamzee when he next saw the kid. Karkat had his back to the street and didn’t realize the kid was there until he was right behind him—that’s what he got for expecting Gamzee to warn him about anything, he supposed. Karkat jumped to his feet, his hand instinctively gripping his handscythe, as he glared at the kid. Said kid just stood there smiling, holding a pair of plastic bags in his hands.
"THE HELL DO YOU WANT, FUCKASS?"

Karkat’s manner did nothing to quell the kid’s sunny disposition. He just smiled up at Karkat with his stupid buckteeth and said, "hi, i am john! what’s your name?"

"ARE YOU AN IDIOT? NO WAIT, DON’T ANSWER THAT, IT’S OBVIOUS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF MORON ROYALTY."

Karkat groaned as Gamzee decided to speak. "HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR, tHaT’s My BrOtHeR kArKat."

Nepeta chimed in too. ":33 < yeah! and that’s gamz33 and i’m nepeta!"

John looked way too pleased. "nice to meet you guys! hehe, i hope i don't come off as creepy or anything--"

"NO, JUST STUPID."

"--but i saw you guys eating food out of the trash yesterday and i thought that must really suck, so i brought you some fresh food to eat!" He held up the two bags in his hands, bearing the logo of the nearest grocery store.

Nepeta's face lit up. ":33 < yaaaay! you're the best!"

She leapt forward to take the offering, but Karkat stopped her. Not releasing John from his death glare, Karkat said to Nepeta, "WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT STRANGERS?"

Nepeta whined. ":33 < but he--"

"WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL THIS ASSHOLE IS, OR IF JOHN IS EVEN HIS REAL NAME. WHAT IF THAT FOOD'S DRUGGED OR SOMETHING?" He rolled his eyes. "NOT THAT GAMZEE WOULD MIND."

John's smile finally broke, and was replaced by a confused look. "what? why would i do something like that?"

"WHY WOULD YOU HAND OUT FOOD TO RANDOM STRANGERS? SEE, I CAN ASK STUPID QUESTIONS TOO! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR, JOHN HUMAN?"

Gamzee shuffled over, putting a hand on John's shoulder and leaning on him. John tried not to look uncomfortable. He grinned over at Karkat. "ThIs MoThErFuCkEr Is OfFeRiNg Us SoMe GrAdE-a MiRaClEs, BrOtHeR. dOn'T qUeStIoN tHe--"

"NO, NO, FUCK NO. THIS IS NOT A MIRACLE, YOU RETARD, THIS IS A TRAP."

"but it's not a trap! i got you guys sandwiches and juice boxes and even fruit gushers. they're still in the wrappers and everything!"

Nepeta snatched the bags from John's hands and searched through them. ":33 < these look purrfectly safe to me!"

Gamzee knelt down to inspect the food with Nepeta. "ThAt SaNdWiCh LoOkS fUcKiNg MiRaCuLoUs, SiStEr, HaNd iT hErE." Nepeta handed him the sandwich and he started to remove its wrapper.

"NO!" Nepeta and Gamzee looked up at him. Gamzee stopped unwrapping the food, but the two of them looked at him with such hungry eyes that he couldn't help but feel guilty for stopping them. He faltered. "UH. OKAY LOOK. WE'LL EAT THE FOOD. BUT HAVE ME TRY IT FIRST, SO IF IT'S POISONED ONLY ONE OF US'LL DIE."

John put his hands in his pockets, beaming. "oh haha, i bet you just wanna get first pick of everything."

"TALK AGAIN AND I'LL CUT YOU INTO TINY PIECES AND FEED YOU TO SOME SORRY FUCKING SALAMANDERS." Karkat motioned at Nepeta. "GIVE ME THAT. IF I DROP DEAD, KILL THIS ASSHOLE."

Nepeta took the sandwich from Gamzee and handed it to Karkat, her expression apprehensive. ":33 < okay, but i think you're going to be fine karcat!"

Karkat looked the sandwich over. It looked pretty okay. He smelled it-- oh god, he was so hungry. He was even hungrier than Nepeta and Gamzee were, as every time he found any food he usually just gave them the larger share. This sandwich, even with the threat of poison, smelled delicious. Taking a deep breath, he took a bite. He chewed it, savoring the flavor and also what might be his last few moments of life, and swallowed hard. He stood there for a moment, waiting to break into convulsions.

John, Gamzee and Nepeta all watched him for a few moments before John finally said, "well? do you believe me now?"

":33 < i told you! can we chow down meow?"

Karkat felt a little foolish, but no less suspicious. He handed the sandwich back to Gamzee. "UH. YEAH. EAT UP."

John giggled as the two of them tore into the food and drink he'd given to them. Karkat gritted his teeth, irritated by his happiness. "DON'T THINK I'M NOT STILL ON TO YOU," he said.

John continued to giggle, but tried to stop. "yeah, because i'm like a secret agent out to poison random people or something right?"

"I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE. IT SOUNDS SO FUCKING STUPID WHEN YOU SAY IT."

"that's because it is stupid!" John took a few steps back. "anyway i guess i'll let you guys eat. see you later!"

He turned and left, almost skipping as he exited into the street. Karkat was glad to have him gone-- after all, he'd feel like a real dumbass eating this shit right in front of him. He sat down and ate, making sure to look appropriately angry while doing so. He was so glad that John was gone that he overlooked the fact that John's parting words hadn't been "goodbye."

They were "see you later." And see them he did.

He showed up again and again, almost every day, carrying bags of food for the trio. Sometimes he'd sit and eat with them, asking them questions and trying to get to know them, but usually Karkat would just chase him away. Karkat hated accepting handouts from this kid. He hated being some spoiled derp's charity case. But what he hated even more was seeing his friends starve. So he let John keep coming, keep giving them all the food he could carry. He just didn't give John the satisfaction of seeing them eat it.
Karkat was relieved when Mr. Pupa took them in. Besides not having to live on the streets anymore, he no longer had to deal the John. Granted, Pupa asked a lot in return, but at least Karkat wasn't accepting a handout. Fuck, he hated handouts. Still, he almost missed the kid. It became clear to him that John really didn't have an ulterior motive-- he was just a naive kid who genuinely wanted to help. Karkat's mind boggled at the level of stupidity that would breed such idealism, but it was such a nice change from all the other assholes he had to deal with on a daily basis.
He ran into John for the first time in weeks at night, as he was walking home from getting yelled at by Pupa again. John was about to walk into a restaurant when he noticed Karkat. He grinned and ran over, grabbing Karkat by the arm and offering to buy him dinner.
"WHOA, LET ME GO YOU ASSHAT. I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY ANYMORE."

"why, did you get a job or something?"

"YOU COULD SAY THAT, YEAH." Karkat felt no small amount of shame saying that. He hoped John wouldn't pry further, but it was a futile hope.

"i bet you're doing bad stuff, aren't you?" It was a question, but there was no uncertainty in his voice.

"HEY, GUESS WHO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT TO? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, HE'S A HUGE FUCKING DORK AND HE WON'T LET GO OF MY ARM."

John let go. "jesus, you're always so touchy. fine, then how about i buy you dinner as congratulations on getting a job?"

"WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF THAT?"

"i dunno, i just want to do something nice for my friend! why's everyone always got to have a motive with you?"

"I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, IDIOT."

"whatever! come on!"

John waved Karkat over as he walked into the building. Karkat growled, pulling at his hair in annoyance until he finally followed John inside. The restaurant was on the top of a two-story building, above some other unrelated business. John was sitting at a bar facing a window, looking out at the lights of Alternia City. Karkat pulled over a chair and sat down, trying to look like he wasn't totally pathetic.
"i really am just trying to help, karkat. it's really annoying that you keep yelling at me and stuff," he said, furrowing his brow behind square glasses.

"I KNOW. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I EVER ASKED FOR YOUR HELP."

John sighed. "why do you need to ask? if someone needs help they should get it, even if they don't say anything. don't you think so?"

"TELL ME, DID YOU JUST WRIGGLE OUT OF YOUR CAVE LAST WEEK OR SOMETHING?"

"stop insulting me already! i know it's kind of stupid, fine. i just want to help the city any way i can. things have gotten bad enough already."

It was the first time Karkat had ever heard John acknowledge that the world wasn't all bright and awesome. The crabby troll leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "YEAH. THINGS ARE PRETTY MUCH FUCKED HERE."

"i don't think it has to be that way though. it's not too late to turn things around."

"MAYBE IF SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY HAD POWER THOUGHT THE WAY YOU DID, YEAH, MAYBE SOMETHING WOULD CHANGE. AS IT IS, EVERYONE WITH POWER IS TOO BUSY LORDING IT OVER THE REST OF US SACKS OF SHIT."

"but i do have power," John said, looking at his hands pensively. "i just--"

"THICKHEADEDNESS ISN'T A POWER, EGBERT."

John laughed, but there was a nervousness under it. He paused, then said, "i know about the bad stuff you do, karkat."

"WAIT. HOW, EXACTLY?"

"but i know it's not your fault! it's just that you're stuck in a bad situation. lots of other people are like that too! i just think it's so awful that all these good people keep having to hurt other people just to get by."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I'M A GOOD PERSON? MAYBE I SHOULD EXPLAIN SOME THINGS TO YOU."

"but i don't know what to do, karkat! even my friends who seem like they know what they're doing haven't changed much. how do you change a whole city?"

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME? I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM, REMEMBER? ALL THAT BAD STUFF YOU SOMEHOW KNOW ABOUT?"

"you're not though, that's just it." He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. He looked genuinely troubled, and Karkat was taken aback by it.

A waiter came by and took their orders. After the waiter was gone, John leaned back again, looked at the city, then at Karkat.

"hey karkat?"

"WHAT?"

"are you sure we're not friends?"

Karkat scratched his head. "I DON'T KNOW." He looked off to the side. "MAYBE WE ARE."

John smiled. The two of them looked forward, out at the cruel city. Karkat tried to imagine all the plans and ideas whirling around John's vacant head. He wondered what it must be like to have that luxury, to be able to think about the big picture instead of just where his next meal was coming from and if he'd be dead the next morning. It was probably pretty nice.

Oh, ah... that was kind of long, wasn't it...

[mythmonster2]

Awww, that was a nice story.

Wow, I haven't contributed here in a while. I'm still working on a fic with the exiles, though I'm going pretty slowly.

[LordHyper]

This is how this AU works in my headcannon:

Culture

show spoiler

hide spoiler

*Since trolls, humans, and other types of species live and work together, there is no more blood caste system. There are still believers in the system though.
*Quadrants, although unneeded due to lack of imperial drones, still exist. Some humans adapted the quadrant relationship system.
*Buckets are now a multi-purpose device.
*Prospit and Dersite don't fight in this world, but the royalty still hate each other.
*Revenge is still okay. Just as long as it doesn't go overboard.
*Most Subjugglators are given mental treatment. Others are issued sopor slime to prevent them from snapping out again.

Economy

show spoiler

hide spoiler

*There's a stock exchange handled by the crocodiles. Time travelers aren't allowed in the stock exchange for obvious reasons.
*Human, Troll, and Consort products are sold.

Law

show spoiler

hide spoiler

*The crime rate is absurd. Most of the crimes are easily put down however.
*To respond to the high crime, the police accepts young recruits (starting at age 13/grub).
*Does not follow Alternian Law. Investigations actually begin before the accused is found guilty and executed.
*Unlike most interpretations of the gangs of this AU, the gangs are more silly and lighthearted (Spades Slick not included).

Characters

show spoiler

hide spoiler

*My version of The Pupa does not act like a very serious villain. He does commit serious crimes time to time though.
*Everyone's slightly older than their normal Homestuck counterparts.
*AR is chief of police.
*John and Vriska are dating. I don't know. I just like this ship.
*Jade disguises herself as the Jade Dragon, and acts as her brother's sidekick. Despite his protests for a car, they use Bec as transportation.

Might add more later.

[amymist]

Hey guys, um... I'm kinda new and I haven't gotten to read all the thread yet (there's so much here), but this AU is kind of amazing and I really wanted to write something for it.
It's a little story about how I figure John and Karkat became friends in this universe. It's my first Homestuck fic, so I hope I didn't ruin the characters.
... oh, and I drew a picture of it, too! Actually I drew the picture before I wrote the thing, so here's the picture first:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Oh, and I guess the title could be, I'm not your friend, idiot.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

While Karkat paid close attention to the people around him at all times, he usually didn’t register faces at all. Nobody was ever a person, really, they were all just potential threats to himself or to his friends.
This face, though. He kept seeing this face.
At first it was purely coincidence. Karkat assumed that the kid’s daily routine probably brought him near Karkat’s hangouts pretty often. But over time, he kept seeing that kid all the time, paying a lot more attention to Karkat than Karkat was paying to him. It made him nervous. What was this kid’s deal? Karkat kept trying to figure out where his allegiances might lie. He looked too derpy to be involved with the Felt or the Midnight Crew, and obviously he wasn’t Dave Strider so he couldn’t be in the Strider Mafia. Maybe he was with the police, trying to collect evidence…
Karkat was sitting in an alley with Nepeta and Gamzee when he next saw the kid. Karkat had his back to the street and didn’t realize the kid was there until he was right behind him—that’s what he got for expecting Gamzee to warn him about anything, he supposed. Karkat jumped to his feet, his hand instinctively gripping his handscythe, as he glared at the kid. Said kid just stood there smiling, holding a pair of plastic bags in his hands.
"THE HELL DO YOU WANT, FUCKASS?"

Karkat’s manner did nothing to quell the kid’s sunny disposition. He just smiled up at Karkat with his stupid buckteeth and said, "hi, i am john! what’s your name?"

"ARE YOU AN IDIOT? NO WAIT, DON’T ANSWER THAT, IT’S OBVIOUS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF MORON ROYALTY."

Karkat groaned as Gamzee decided to speak. "HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR, tHaT’s My BrOtHeR kArKat."

Nepeta chimed in too. ":33 < yeah! and that’s gamz33 and i’m nepeta!"

John looked way too pleased. "nice to meet you guys! hehe, i hope i don't come off as creepy or anything--"

"NO, JUST STUPID."

"--but i saw you guys eating food out of the trash yesterday and i thought that must really suck, so i brought you some fresh food to eat!" He held up the two bags in his hands, bearing the logo of the nearest grocery store.

Nepeta's face lit up. ":33 < yaaaay! you're the best!"

She leapt forward to take the offering, but Karkat stopped her. Not releasing John from his death glare, Karkat said to Nepeta, "WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT STRANGERS?"

Nepeta whined. ":33 < but he--"

"WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL THIS ASSHOLE IS, OR IF JOHN IS EVEN HIS REAL NAME. WHAT IF THAT FOOD'S DRUGGED OR SOMETHING?" He rolled his eyes. "NOT THAT GAMZEE WOULD MIND."

John's smile finally broke, and was replaced by a confused look. "what? why would i do something like that?"

"WHY WOULD YOU HAND OUT FOOD TO RANDOM STRANGERS? SEE, I CAN ASK STUPID QUESTIONS TOO! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR, JOHN HUMAN?"

Gamzee shuffled over, putting a hand on John's shoulder and leaning on him. John tried not to look uncomfortable. He grinned over at Karkat. "ThIs MoThErFuCkEr Is OfFeRiNg Us SoMe GrAdE-a MiRaClEs, BrOtHeR. dOn'T qUeStIoN tHe--"

"NO, NO, FUCK NO. THIS IS NOT A MIRACLE, YOU RETARD, THIS IS A TRAP."

"but it's not a trap! i got you guys sandwiches and juice boxes and even fruit gushers. they're still in the wrappers and everything!"

Nepeta snatched the bags from John's hands and searched through them. ":33 < these look purrfectly safe to me!"

Gamzee knelt down to inspect the food with Nepeta. "ThAt SaNdWiCh LoOkS fUcKiNg MiRaCuLoUs, SiStEr, HaNd iT hErE." Nepeta handed him the sandwich and he started to remove its wrapper.

"NO!" Nepeta and Gamzee looked up at him. Gamzee stopped unwrapping the food, but the two of them looked at him with such hungry eyes that he couldn't help but feel guilty for stopping them. He faltered. "UH. OKAY LOOK. WE'LL EAT THE FOOD. BUT HAVE ME TRY IT FIRST, SO IF IT'S POISONED ONLY ONE OF US'LL DIE."

John put his hands in his pockets, beaming. "oh haha, i bet you just wanna get first pick of everything."

"TALK AGAIN AND I'LL CUT YOU INTO TINY PIECES AND FEED YOU TO SOME SORRY FUCKING SALAMANDERS." Karkat motioned at Nepeta. "GIVE ME THAT. IF I DROP DEAD, KILL THIS ASSHOLE."

Nepeta took the sandwich from Gamzee and handed it to Karkat, her expression apprehensive. ":33 < okay, but i think you're going to be fine karcat!"

Karkat looked the sandwich over. It looked pretty okay. He smelled it-- oh god, he was so hungry. He was even hungrier than Nepeta and Gamzee were, as every time he found any food he usually just gave them the larger share. This sandwich, even with the threat of poison, smelled delicious. Taking a deep breath, he took a bite. He chewed it, savoring the flavor and also what might be his last few moments of life, and swallowed hard. He stood there for a moment, waiting to break into convulsions.

John, Gamzee and Nepeta all watched him for a few moments before John finally said, "well? do you believe me now?"

":33 < i told you! can we chow down meow?"

Karkat felt a little foolish, but no less suspicious. He handed the sandwich back to Gamzee. "UH. YEAH. EAT UP."

John giggled as the two of them tore into the food and drink he'd given to them. Karkat gritted his teeth, irritated by his happiness. "DON'T THINK I'M NOT STILL ON TO YOU," he said.

John continued to giggle, but tried to stop. "yeah, because i'm like a secret agent out to poison random people or something right?"

"I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE. IT SOUNDS SO FUCKING STUPID WHEN YOU SAY IT."

"that's because it is stupid!" John took a few steps back. "anyway i guess i'll let you guys eat. see you later!"

He turned and left, almost skipping as he exited into the street. Karkat was glad to have him gone-- after all, he'd feel like a real dumbass eating this shit right in front of him. He sat down and ate, making sure to look appropriately angry while doing so. He was so glad that John was gone that he overlooked the fact that John's parting words hadn't been "goodbye."

They were "see you later." And see them he did.

He showed up again and again, almost every day, carrying bags of food for the trio. Sometimes he'd sit and eat with them, asking them questions and trying to get to know them, but usually Karkat would just chase him away. Karkat hated accepting handouts from this kid. He hated being some spoiled derp's charity case. But what he hated even more was seeing his friends starve. So he let John keep coming, keep giving them all the food he could carry. He just didn't give John the satisfaction of seeing them eat it.
Karkat was relieved when Mr. Pupa took them in. Besides not having to live on the streets anymore, he no longer had to deal the John. Granted, Pupa asked a lot in return, but at least Karkat wasn't accepting a handout. Fuck, he hated handouts. Still, he almost missed the kid. It became clear to him that John really didn't have an ulterior motive-- he was just a naive kid who genuinely wanted to help. Karkat's mind boggled at the level of stupidity that would breed such idealism, but it was such a nice change from all the other assholes he had to deal with on a daily basis.
He ran into John for the first time in weeks at night, as he was walking home from getting yelled at by Pupa again. John was about to walk into a restaurant when he noticed Karkat. He grinned and ran over, grabbing Karkat by the arm and offering to buy him dinner.
"WHOA, LET ME GO YOU ASSHAT. I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY ANYMORE."

"why, did you get a job or something?"

"YOU COULD SAY THAT, YEAH." Karkat felt no small amount of shame saying that. He hoped John wouldn't pry further, but it was a futile hope.

"i bet you're doing bad stuff, aren't you?" It was a question, but there was no uncertainty in his voice.

"HEY, GUESS WHO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT TO? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, HE'S A HUGE FUCKING DORK AND HE WON'T LET GO OF MY ARM."

John let go. "jesus, you're always so touchy. fine, then how about i buy you dinner as congratulations on getting a job?"

"WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF THAT?"

"i dunno, i just want to do something nice for my friend! why's everyone always got to have a motive with you?"

"I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, IDIOT."

"whatever! come on!"

John waved Karkat over as he walked into the building. Karkat growled, pulling at his hair in annoyance until he finally followed John inside. The restaurant was on the top of a two-story building, above some other unrelated business. John was sitting at a bar facing a window, looking out at the lights of Alternia City. Karkat pulled over a chair and sat down, trying to look like he wasn't totally pathetic.
"i really am just trying to help, karkat. it's really annoying that you keep yelling at me and stuff," he said, furrowing his brow behind square glasses.

"I KNOW. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I EVER ASKED FOR YOUR HELP."

John sighed. "why do you need to ask? if someone needs help they should get it, even if they don't say anything. don't you think so?"

"TELL ME, DID YOU JUST WRIGGLE OUT OF YOUR CAVE LAST WEEK OR SOMETHING?"

"stop insulting me already! i know it's kind of stupid, fine. i just want to help the city any way i can. things have gotten bad enough already."

It was the first time Karkat had ever heard John acknowledge that the world wasn't all bright and awesome. The crabby troll leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "YEAH. THINGS ARE PRETTY MUCH FUCKED HERE."

"i don't think it has to be that way though. it's not too late to turn things around."

"MAYBE IF SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY HAD POWER THOUGHT THE WAY YOU DID, YEAH, MAYBE SOMETHING WOULD CHANGE. AS IT IS, EVERYONE WITH POWER IS TOO BUSY LORDING IT OVER THE REST OF US SACKS OF SHIT."

"but i do have power," John said, looking at his hands pensively. "i just--"

"THICKHEADEDNESS ISN'T A POWER, EGBERT."

John laughed, but there was a nervousness under it. He paused, then said, "i know about the bad stuff you do, karkat."

"WAIT. HOW, EXACTLY?"

"but i know it's not your fault! it's just that you're stuck in a bad situation. lots of other people are like that too! i just think it's so awful that all these good people keep having to hurt other people just to get by."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I'M A GOOD PERSON? MAYBE I SHOULD EXPLAIN SOME THINGS TO YOU."

"but i don't know what to do, karkat! even my friends who seem like they know what they're doing haven't changed much. how do you change a whole city?"

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME? I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM, REMEMBER? ALL THAT BAD STUFF YOU SOMEHOW KNOW ABOUT?"

"you're not though, that's just it." He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. He looked genuinely troubled, and Karkat was taken aback by it.

A waiter came by and took their orders. After the waiter was gone, John leaned back again, looked at the city, then at Karkat.

"hey karkat?"

"WHAT?"

"are you sure we're not friends?"

Karkat scratched his head. "I DON'T KNOW." He looked off to the side. "MAYBE WE ARE."

John smiled. The two of them looked forward, out at the cruel city. Karkat tried to imagine all the plans and ideas whirling around John's vacant head. He wondered what it must be like to have that luxury, to be able to think about the big picture instead of just where his next meal was coming from and if he'd be dead the next morning. It was probably pretty nice.

Oh, ah... that was kind of long, wasn't it...

I liked it! Quite a lot, too! It was really sweet.

[selanpike]

I drew an art this time!
And it's not a sketch!

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Karkat is apparently shielding Nepeta and Gamzee from you.

[cupboy]

I decided to finally do some Trollcop art and made this real quickly. Most likely I'll go back and add the noir-ish ambiance later.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

[Ra Zarudo]

i'm falling down all these ancestors

now i need to make a TrollCops: 1949 edition or something to accommodate them

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Imperial Condesce - Mayor before WV. Kept the hemospectrum hierarchy in place like the Deep South.
Admirale Dualscar - In the Navvy. Because.
Marquise Mindfang - Dualscar's rival for control of Alternia Bay.

%ecutive Director - Chief of Police, the thin blue line is moist with his sweat.
Grand Highblood - Chief Justice. Reports only to the Condesce. The %ecutive Director reports to him. Or else.
Neophyte Redglare - Best (up-and-coming) cop on the force. Would probably be moving up faster if she wasn't "just green-blooded."

Magdalen Dolorosa - Ran the orphanage before Feferi (after the rebellion, it fell into disrepute and disrepair)
Signless Sufferer - disowned and hated, leads the rebellion
Psionica - once a Jerry Lewis-esque university student, joins the rebellion after one too many "pissblood" insults
Disciple - the "wild girl" of her cookie-cutter-suburban-middle-blood community. The %ecutive Director has often leveraged his... %ecutive privilege making sure she stays out of trouble.

Summoner - ancestor of Mr. Pupa, and the local superhero disguised as a pet shop owner. One of the Sufferer's closest allies until the latter became consumed by unfathomable bloodlust.
Handmaid - Doc Scratch's (ex-?)fiancee.

[mythmonster2]

And now a shortfic inspired by the ancestors.

Under Concrete

show spoiler

hide spoiler

There is an area in Dockside that has many docks for cruise ships.

If you were to go to that area, you might notice a small unpaved area.

If you had a shovel, you could dig into that unpaved area.

If you dug into that unpaved area, you would eventually hit a plaque.

If you were a regular person, you would not be able to read what was on the plaque.

If you knew Old Troll, you would be able to read the plaque.

And if you could read the plaque, this is what it would say.

"The twelfth bilunar perigree of the sixth dark season's equinox, 1297.

WE HAVE COME TO THIS NEW LAND FOR A REASON. WE CAME TO ESCAPE THE TYRANNY OF OUR LANDS IN THE OLD WORLD. IN THIS NEW WORLD, WE INTEND TO CREATE A LAND WITHOUT INEQULITY. WE INTEND TO CREATE A LAND WITHOUT A HEMOSPECTRUM. WE INTEND TO CREATE A LAND WITHOUT A VILE EMPRESS. WE INTEND TO CREATE A LAND BUILT UPON EQUALITY, PERSEVERANCE, TEARS, SWEAT, AND BLOOD. THIS IS NOT A LOWBLOODED REVOLT. THE ENTIRE HEMOSPECTRUM, FROM MAROON TO VIOLET AND BEYOND, IS REPRESENTED IN THIS LAND. WE TWELVE TROLLS, UNITED WITH HUMANS AND CARAPACES, AND AIDED BY THE CONSORTS OF THIS AREA, CREATE A NEW COUNTRY AND A NEW CITY HERE. NEW ALTERNIA."

And beneath the inscription are these twelve symbols.

♈ ♉ ♊ ♋ ♌ ♍ ♎ ♏ ♐ ♑ ♒ ♓