Adventure Critique Thread: No Feelings Zone

[SleepingOrange]

As the title implies, this is a thread for critique of one another's adventures. Post here if you would genuinely like to hear what people think you're doing right and wrong, not simply to get praise or advertise. Similarly, post critiques only if you have helpful, relevant, and in-depth things to say, not if you're just going to be effusive or mean. Some rules and guidelines:

• BE POLITE: This is not the same as BE NICE, and it goes for critiquers and the critiqued. You do not have to avoid saying things that are not complementary (that's why it's not BE NICE) and in fact are required to say things other than simple praise, but you may not be rude about it. Compare "The art is hideous" and "The art needs work".
• BE SPECIFIC: When providing critique, make sure what you mean is clear. Don't just say "The art needs work", talk about line quality and composition and panel size and consistency and so on and so on. Vague criticism is unhelpful!
• BE IN-DEPTH: This one is more of a guideline, but try to follow it most of the time. Don't just focus on one aspect of the adventure that needs improvement; give criticism (as well as acknowledgment of what the author does right) across a wide variety of topics. It's just more helpful than picking endlessly at one problem.
• BE GRACIOUS: Even if you don't agree with someone's critique, don't argue with them about it. It's fine to ask for clarification or why someone thinks what they do, but don't turn it into a huge back-and-forth. Ultimately, adventures are an art form, and there are always going to be disagreements about what constitutes good art.
• RECIPROCATE: Another guideline, but it's just common decency. If you've had your adventure critiqued, try to critique someone else's. It'd be nice if we had a lot of different opinions rather than the same couple people critiquing everyone.
• BE PATIENT: If you've asked to be critiqued, don't nag or harass until you do. Someone will probably get to it soon, but nobody is required to critique your adventure.
• BE RELEVANT: This is not a thread for off-topic chatter. Please keep discussion centered around critique and improvement of adventures. Also, please don't ask for critique of single panels; that's what the critique threads in the Art forum are for.
• BE HANDY: When asking for a critique, post a link to your thread! If you're talking about a specific panel or passage when critiquing someone else, include it in the post.
• BE REASONABLE: Just behave like mature forumgoers and we shouldn't have any problems. Also under the heading of the reasonability guideline is "don't ask for critique of adventures that just started"; there's probably not enough to really work with unless it was quite the start.

Any other rules and guidelines will be added at such a time as I remember the ones I forgot or think up new ones as new situations arise. To get the thread started, how about someone or someones tell me what they think about Welcome to the Universe?

[CheeseDeluxe]

I'd like to say that this is an appropriate thread.

Just in the wrong sub-forum. Don't get me wrong, but why is it in Collab/Roleplay?

[SleepingOrange]

Do you want another sticky in the main forum? There are already too many. For that matter, Collab/Roleplay is where all the old Meta/Misc stuff gets put; this is where the music requests are, this is where the concept art thread is, where else would this thread go?

Also stop being such a pompous ass. I'm honestly tempted to infract you for grating on my nerves with every self-important post you make. "Hey guy in charge you did it wrong it only PARTIALLY meets my approval".

Also also this is exactly the sort of thing I put BE RELEVANT in there for. If you had a problem with the placement for whatever reason you should have PMed me instead of wasting threadspace with your tedious complaints.

[ASBusinessMagnet]

If this is in Collab/Roleplay forum, am I allowed to critique collabs / roleplays too?

Because I don't really follow any adventures these days.

[dexexe1234]

Alright this looks like it could be interesting! I guess i will start this thing with this:



I would like to request critique of my hussnasty derivative, Double Reacharound: Orange.

Thank you.

EDIT: Just saw the link to welcome to the universe in the OP.

I guess i could try writing some critique on it, when i get read through the magnificence that is that adventure.

Cheerio then.

[SleepingOrange]

@ASBM: If someone asks, I suppose so. I'm not sure how many Collabs, Roleplays, or Games are the sort of thing that could benefit from some serious critiquing, but if it comes up, go for it.

[Yourself]

I would like to request critique of my hussnasty derivative, Double Reacharound: Orange.

Thank you.

EDIT: Just saw the link to welcome to the universe in the OP.

I guess i could try writing some critique on it, when i get read through the magnificence that is that adventure.

Cheerio then.

Erm...

Well what kind of critique are you looking for? Just an overall one? Or anything specific? Drawings? Plotline? Character development? Hmm?

[Aryogaton]

I suppose I'll post here to offer some critiques. You'll probably have to cross-references most of what I say but hopefully I'll be able to contribute.

That said, the two adventures I have that are really worth critiquing are in big siezurebanners in my sig. Art, plot, characters, just about anything is welcome.

[Schazer]

Random selection today, feel like laying down some smack. Gonna be... DRAO.

Visually, it looks like a Dex-venture, which is pretty synonymous with quality on these boards anyway, but here goes. The menus/interfaces aren't your best/cleanest work, but considering that you're working within the constraints of a Hussnasty and also adding a few features/stats/mechanics/ of your own, it's decent. If you do have the time/inclination to make things a bit more consistent, it'd pay off.
The other visual nitpick I'd have is that while your sprite/resource sheets are extensive and very well-made for a Husstnasty, when placed on top of your bright backgrounds as well, things start to look busy and hectic, often making it hard to focus on the part of the image we're supposed to. Showing Dex the peril he's in when he's being surrounded by imps is hard to do well with sprite-based work, seeing as placing them all up in his business makes things cluttered, but scattering them around doesn't have the same impact. It may compromise update speed, but occasionally switching to non-sprite based work so you can use more angles to convey your mood may be a good idea.

My last recommendation (not going to go into story, because I struggle with ascertaining what I like about a plot. I just know if I enjoy it, I read it, and if I don't, I don't. In DRAO's case, I follow it and enjoy it.) is your writing. Acknowledging that English isn't your first language, Dex, requesting the help of a proof-reader (heck, with all the Grand Battlers we have on the IRC, posting a pastebin of the text in your next update and letting people tidy it up would be a cinch) would really bring the standard of your writing up to match the visuals. Like I just said, what you're talking about is fine. I enjoy the story. But getting the mechanics of your writing sorted out would give it the polish that your art has.


I don't have any adventures, although if anybody happened to follow a Grand Battle I read and was inclined to pick apart one of my posts I'd always appreciate it. Not necessary, though. I think this thread's a great idea, so I'll support it by stopping by periodically and giving my five cents.

[Wojjan]

Well Schazer, I have had the pleasure of battling grandly with you in GBS2, and I have to say that your posts are usually a delight to read. I do have one little thing that I can nag about, which is that while you use very colourful language -- which, mind you, gives a lot of beauty to your posts -- it does get rather hard to understand exactly what's going on in the posts sometimes. The one thing that I always have to do after reading your post is read it again, this time knowing all the extraordinary words you used!

You use some awesome words that I'd wish I could count as part of my daily vocabulary, and your storytelling is a delight if not much more than that, but I think that you sometimes need to cut down on the beautiful synonyms ou can come up with in order to tell a story more fluently.

But hey, that's just my personal opinion!

[goggleman64]

To get the thread started, how about someone or someones tell me what they think about Welcome to the Universe?

Here's my best shot, Slorange. I'm afraid it's a bit long; hopefully it's still useful.

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It's impressive that, by yourself (and having never seen Star Trek), you managed to create so many species and such a long history. I respect imagination more than most things, and you certainly have an abundance of that. In addition, I realize that revision is probably not feasible, so I offer this advice with the intention that you might find it useful for future updates.

The vast scope of your world is currently putting your story out-of-balance. I think your adventure would benefit greatly if you took about half of the beats where your point of view is zoomed way out (such as when you skim over Oryat's training with Dakibi) and changed them to make the point of view closer -- maybe a medium-shot, where we see Dakibi giving patient, monotonous reassurance to Oryat as she struggles with the tedium of her exercises, or even a very close beat, where we see and hear and feel the mental *click* as Oryat finally manages to levitate a ten-pound weight.

I say this because it is very difficult to establish characters' personalities without lots of medium and close shots, and I confess that I am less interested in your universe alone and more interested in how your characters act within that universe. For this reason, the first two posts of "Welcome to the Universe" were quite off-putting. It is indeed important to have a thoroughly fleshed-out universe for the sake of plot logistics, but it is seldom necessary to actually present the entire universe to the reader, and I would find it much more interesting to learn all of these things as-needed, or -- even better -- through observing and interacting with the things around Oryat.

This might mean lengthening the story somewhat, turning one beat with a distant point of view into several beats with closer points of view. This can easily be taken too far, and should be watched carefully, but you story is currently so compressed that I think a little expansion will not hurt -- especially if you make even more use of visuals. They are a powerful tool for imparting background information quickly, and if your story starts seeming over-long, I would suggest taking the time to replace paragraphs with pictures. In this post you have already done so, and to great effect, I think -- especially the second and fourth panels, which give us details about Oryat's childhood and details about the ceremony of adulthood, respectively.

Speaking of art, the character designs seem excellently varied, imaginative and consistent. Occasionally the lack of outlines coincides with too-similar colors, and the characters' sillhouettes become muddled, as in here and here. Watch out for that.

Thanks for the chance to read your adventure! I have vague ideas about where the story might go, but you've established such a grand scope that I suppose it could really go anywhere. I hope the Astral fellow becomes a recurring character so we can see it again, and I hope we get to know Oryat a little better personally! She seems alright, if a little down on herself ("You really, really wish you weren't such a novice").

Good luck with finding the time to update!

Thanks for making this thread!

[SleepingOrange]

Thanks a lot, goggleman, that is exactly the sort of critique we're looking for here! Thoughtful, in-depth, and polite. Hopefully it'll serve as a model for future reviews down the line.

[Anomaly]

I'm not even sure it's worth posting here seeing as it's not wonderful and it hasn't updated in months, but I might as well ask for critique on #XF3974. When I do eventually return to it I would like it to be much improved, after all.

[MrGuy]

I'm not even sure it's worth posting here seeing as it's not wonderful and it hasn't updated in months

Vastly untrue, as it is in fact VERY wonderful.

[Kaynato]

My request for a review, summed up: Is Magic Square hopeless and/or doomed? Does the plot need work? Does the art style not work? Should I rethink the characters? I know it's just a new startup adventure, but I have a lot of it planned out; I wouldn't want to mess it up... If anyone wants my plans, just PM me and I'll discuss.

Also Escaping the Tower technically isn't an adventure but it would be very nice if it could be reviewed! If that's okay, of course.

So, I'll be critiquing PXL right now.

The graphical design is very well done, both simplistic and complex at the same time. Like other things that involve basic building blocks that are yet complex, it allows for a lot of creative structure. I personally really like things that are creative like that; I'm all about it! Upgrades, achievements, things to discover... You have it all! Then, quickly, it turned into a RPG with a ton of different mechanics and focuses, and many, many open doors (opportunities to try) for the plot. (As it would seem) The main character's personality was also quite malleable, as he had no form of direct communication for most of the beginning. However, his personality still remains rather a mystery to me. The whole interaction with the shopkeeper was also quite fun to watch as well, I guess. I think having sections as games was also a really neat concept, although the website the first few are hosted on are apparently down. It really reminds me of one of those old MMORPGs too.
Very nice, very nice!

[Phevnil]

Well, this may be kind of dead, but I’m wondering if it won’t spring back to life for me. On that note, every adventure I have ever made has died with out any real end. Also, it has been sometime since I made one. Anyway, I am thinking of making a fairly unambitious adventure soon, one that I will actually finish, and I may as well seek to start off somewhere better than when I last ended an adventure.

Battle field: I guess it sure was a thing, and I would be very happy if you could say any unkind yet helpful stuff on its level and execution of thing-itude.

Note: My art style has really changed since I made an adventure, so you don’t need to say too much about it. Of course, anything you decide to say about it will be appreciated and put to good use bettering the world.

[goggleman64]

Battle field: I guess it sure was a thing, and I would be very happy if you could say any unkind yet helpful stuff on its level and execution of thing-itude.

For a purely sandbox game, as this seemed to be, you did make it silly enough to be enjoyable. Plus, you kept the mechanics reasonable and loose, always taking the outrageous suggestions and just making them a bit tamer, always keeping things moving. You only had one update that simply said 'you can't do that', and so only one place where the flow of the game stopped completely.

As far as art goes -- I didn't really detect a theme or mood to this, so pretty much any art style goes, as long as it has sufficient detail that we can tell the combatants apart. Your art style from back then worked fine; in fact, I'd say it was more than adequate, given that you occasionally enhanced it with animations.

All in all, I don't think there was anything technically wrong with the adventure. Maybe in the long run it might have been difficult to keep things interesting without a traditional plot -- but then again, maybe not. That Snoop Dog thing looked like it was turning into something significant, and when Snoop Dog gets involved, all assumptions are thrown out the window.

If I may, though, I would l like to offer a criticism regardinng the author comments: For some reason I was a bit put off by all of the apologies you offered. I believe you apologized for almost every post you put up.

Maybe it's because I have a pet peeve about self-deprecation. Maybe it's because I didn't have to wait for the individual updates and so was not annoyed by any delays, making the apologies seem unwarranted. Maybe it's just that they were all a bit lengthy where I felt "Sorry for the wait" would do fine, and so they distracted me from the story. In any case, I think the adventure would have benefited from either shortening or removing them.

I hope this has been somewhat useful. Thanks for the adventure!

[Millionsandwiches]

Hello all, I would like someone to please take a look at my text adventure. I know it's another Sburb session, but I'm endeavoring to accomplish two things:
1. Take the story in very different direction than Homestuck
2. Try to plot out how certain aspects of Sburb would work in a more normal session.
Link in sig, and thank you in advance.

[Alana]

I just started my first forum adventure ever yesterday, and I want to know how I'm doing. My friends all seem to like it, but my friends are all biased. :P

How do y'all think the text to picture ratio is doing? Is my writing decent enough to actually be read? Should I tone down the complexity of the art so I can produce it faster, or does it look good enough for the effort to be worth it? etc.

[Millionsandwiches]

Re: Alana

So far, I have been struck by the art; it is among the best I have ever seen in a forum adventure. The characters are well-designed, and the environments suited to their purposes. Each one brings with it a certain mood that does an impeccable job of setting the tone of the scene. However, some of the shading work does the art a disservice. In some of the panels, it muddles the picture, creating a busy distraction. Toning it down a little would get rid of the problem.

As for the writing, it is spectacular. You do a great job of using words to create a sense of tension, or uncertainty, and is my favorite part of the adventure. The writing is witty, and although it is a bit long-winded, it uses the length to deliver believable world-building. My only complaint is that there are a few parts where the narration eclipses the story, becoming too wordy or convoluted. This only happens once or twice though, so as long as you take the time time to make sure that the intent is clear, it should be fine.

I'm looking forward to reading this one to the end.

[Alana]

Re: Alana

So far, I have been struck by the art; it is among the best I have ever seen in a forum adventure.

What, seriously? COOL BEANS *does not think she is that great of an artist, but will happily take the compliment!*

The characters are well-designed, and the environments suited to their purposes. Each one brings with it a certain mood that does an impeccable job of setting the tone of the scene. However, some of the shading work does the art a disservice. In some of the panels, it muddles the picture, creating a busy distraction. Toning it down a little would get rid of the problem.

*nodnodnod* Okay, yeah, I can see that. :3 I'm still trying to find my feet with this thing, I'm using a few techniques I've only really poked at before.

As for the writing, it is spectacular. You do a great job of using words to create a sense of tension, or uncertainty, and is my favorite part of the adventure. The writing is witty, and although it is a bit long-winded, it uses the length to deliver believable world-building. My only complaint is that there are a few parts where the narration eclipses the story, becoming too wordy or convoluted. This only happens once or twice though, so as long as you take the time time to make sure that the intent is clear, it should be fine.

Could you maybe point out the specific times it gets silly? I'm far, far too fond of complex comma-ridden semicolon-and-dash-loving sentences, and I have a hard time knowing when to quit versus knowing when to stop and let the information I've already put out speak for itself-- take, for example, this sentence here; it's far longer than it needs to be, proving my point in 61 ridiculous words. XD </EXAMPLE>

But I'm glad it's holding up

I'm looking forward to reading this one to the end.

*Is flattered forever!*

[Millionsandwiches]

Here

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It took a lot of work to get this invitation. It wasn't difficult work, really, but it was risky, and parts of it went against your grain-- the parts where you sucked up to your father, especially. His mild surprise at your sudden interest in The Company, after nineteen years of trying to hold it as distant as you could, was eclipsed by his pride in his genes finally surfacing in more than the color of your hair.

Your false eagerness hid the sickness in your stomach that was summoned by his pride.

After months and months of leaking plans and documents to your contact, though, it finally happened. You've taken one more swing across the monkey bar-- er, one more step up the ladder-- in the long and terrifying path to becoming part of the maligned and hunted few who had strong enough drives to try and expose DaleyCo's misdeeds and wrongdoings.

That section, while entertaining, gets a bit too wordy for "I tricked my daddy, who I am not like at all, into giving me information about his seedy company. There are rebels." Not to malign your writing though. I greatly enjoy it for the most part.

[Alana]

*nodnodnod* I gotcha.

Thank you so much for your critique. Despite this being a NO FEELINGS zone, I feel better knowing that it's at least decent from a random person's viewpoint. :P

[Millionsandwiches]

Can someone please critique my adventure? I'd really like to get an objective view of my work, along with suggestions on how to improve.

[Alana]

I'm only up through about post #46, but it is pretty damn good so far! It's definitely made me laugh several times, and the characters seem pretty fun and interesting.

There are a couple things that make it a bit harder to follow than it needs to be, though, IMHO:

For future reference, abrupt character changes will be marked in bold and the text color of the character. James is You, Ish is You and so on.

-- Since there's no visual representation of the characters, their SIGNATURE COLOR probably isn't going to be very easy to remember so early on. Making it clearer would help make it easier to tell who you're driving, or-- tying into my next point, a bit-- always coloring their names, so there's more opportunity to memorize the colors.

POSSIBLE EXAMPLE:

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Ugh. AR you can handle. He's just your run-of-the mill arrogant douche. AP is a different story.
goes to
Ugh. AR you can handle. He's just your run-of-the mill arrogant douche. AP is a different story.

Next point, which might also be helped by color-coding them constantly! (if you want to go that route): you've been referring to characters by the initials of their chumhandles, like so:

FP may be a short-tempered prick, but man can he forge.

Which, like the above, is a bit hard to get a handle on immediately! FP may be a short-tempered prick or frostbittenProle may be a short-tempered prick both would make it much easier to follow who's who.

But the writing is good, like I said, and very entertaining.