MSPA Fanfiction IV

[AppleTree]

So here's this fic Steev and I worked on together. Whatcha think?

A Wound For Two

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Vriska propped her feet on her desk and twisted off the cap of a Faygo - Gamzee’s recommendation. Now that she was bored with trolling the humans for the time being, she needed a mood booster. Of course, what better way to do that than with a little Faygo and a lot of Nicolas Cage? That beautiful Nic Cage and his bulging, muscular pecs. Vriska was quite certain he was the only good thing that ever came from the humans' universe. That glorious body of Nic Cage. She had managed to convince the John human to put together a video montage of Nic Cage for her, mostly clips which showed off his magnificent muscular body. Vriska was so caught up ogling Nic Cage that she didn’t even hear the door open. But when it slammed shut, Vriska was so startled that she spilled most of her Faygo. She swirled around in her chair to see who the hell would dare interrupt her much-needed Nic Cage time.

“Karkat! Damn it! You’re lucky Gamzee’s in here too or else I’d chuck the rest of this Faygo at your dim-witted head! Was that really necessary?” Karkat responded with a staredown. Gamzee was next to break the silence.

“I’ll just leave you two motherfuckers to iron things out. I’ve gotta go replenish my supply of wicked elixir.”

As soon as Gamzee shut the door behind him, Karkat spoke up in an obviously irritated tone.

“What the fuck, Serket. I wake up from the most horrible sleep ever and find out that I have to lead this team to defeat an indestructible demon, and THEN hear that you’ve been meddling in shit that shouldn’t be meddled in. I thought I was the leader here, not you.”

“Oh Jegus, Vantas. Take a chill pill.” Vriska abandoned her computer and started to wander around the lab, Karkat’s eyes closely following her every move. “You 8n’t gotta worry about a thing. I got this game on lock.” Vriska chuckled lightly and shot a coy look in Karkat’s direction.

“The FUCK?” Rage seethed from Karkat’s expression.

“Look, SOOOOOOOOMEONE had to take command while you were catching up on your beauty sleep. Besides the fact that I’m your kismesis, you’ve got to admit I’m the perfect one for the job.” Vriska hopped nonchalantly on a table.

A look of fury fumed behind Karkat’s eyes as he slowly made his way toward Vriska. “This isn’t about who is fit to be leader. But while we’re at it, I’d like to point out that you are not the leader and never will be. I’ll explain THAT later, because right now this is about your stupid meddling games and-“

“8luh 8luh, open up a gogdamn memo, tell everyone what a 8itch I am. That's your plan, right, Vantas? 8luh 8luh don’t give a shit.”

“This is about your meddling games and how you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, Serket!” Karkat raised his voice even more than usual and advanced toward the table where Vriska held firm, not intimidated by Karkat’s rage.

“Excuuuuuuuuse me????????” Vriska was now obviously ticked off.

“Yeah. About time someone broke it to you. You have no idea what you’re doing. You’re just fucking up the game all over the place and now the rest of us have to clean it up, which forces us to communicate with the stupid humans.” Vriska returned nothing but an ice-cold stare as Karkat made his stop right in front of her. He punctuated each sentence with a sharp leer, edging ever closer to Vriska's face to make his point perfectly clear. “You had absolutely no right to meddle in the first place. You didn’t even bother to wait until I woke up to run it by your LEADER. It’s YOUR fault we’re in this mess, it’s YOUR fault they caused the rift, it’s YOUR fault the indestructible demon was created, it’s YOUR fault this game isn’t over for us already. It’s YOUR fault we’re stuck in the Veil, you grubfisted idiot!”

Rage clouded Vriska’s eyes and it raced through her body as she absorbed the verbal assault on her game. With one swift move, she raised her arm to strike.

By the time Karkat saw the glint of Vriska's robot arm beginning its ascent, he knew it was too late to go back. In an instant, he whipped out his sickle.

She felt the cold, sharp blade wrap around her as it pierced deep into her side. He felt her robot arm rip through his chest and it came out through his back grasping his heart. They were still staring at each other, face-to-face as red and blue blood streamed and pooled around them. As their bodies began to go limp from blood loss, Karkat and Vriska kissed, bit, attacked their kismesis' face in that strange way that only made sense in black romance.

The transportalizer hissed and two trolls materialized. Sollux and Gamzee were in for a surprise.

“What the fuck ith going on in here? Holy fuck, Gamthee, why did you WALK to come get me?” Sollux ran over to the couple who were now nearly unconscious and quickly assessed the damage.

Gamzee's pupils dilated as he took in the fight that had turned the table and floor into a gory yet colorful hemoscape of red, blue and purple. Their blood mixed together reminded him a lot of his own. “Whoaaaa... sorry, I didn't realize their shit was gettin' so serious, bro!”

Sollux spoke quickly and acted even faster; his shades did nothing to hide his panic. “Let'th jutht hope Equiuth can rig thomething up for them before they're both dead from blood loth. Thee what you can do to patch them up for now!” He broke into a dead run towards the transport pad in the center of the room and was gone a second later.

“Wow man, I have no fuckin' idea why my most bifurcated brother would want to club this shit...” Gamzee trailed off as he began to tear his shirt into strips to make sure that no more of the trolls' blood would be mixing together under his watch. “Heheheh, I guess someone's gotta keep these angry motherfuckers from clubbing each OTHER to death, might as well be him!”

Karkat and Vriska looked so peaceful in spite of their wounds. Gamzee had never seen them look happier together. They were really the most adorable pair he had ever seen. After all, there was nothing like a good fight and a shared set of fresh wounds to bring two kismeses closer, or to drive them further apart. But when it came down to the basics, was there really any difference between the two?

A/N

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Steev drew a wicked sweet pic that started all this awesomeness, but it's still a WIP because this lazy nim-wit needs to scan it so he can finish the coloring.

[rampantVariable]

She ripped out his heart in a literal sense... and he's not automatically dead? Other than that Karkat Vriska is always fun.

[Red Pen]

Well, fuck that, have a courtroom drama.
(awesome stuff)
That was hardly drama.

A bit late, but I was cracking up at this, Kawa! Gamzee's dialogue in particular was wonderful.

Oh, and thank you everybody who commented on Unhinged! You all say such nice things; I really need to get off my rear and write these chapters faster.

[creidieki]

Skaian,

I always really like your fics; it's really great to see the non-flushed relationships getting some attention. I think from reading the romance descriptions, though, that your ... co-auspisticee? That both of your ashen partners are typically separate people from your kismesis? Like, assuming you're the non-auspisticing partner, you have one feud in your life that boils over into a beautiful consuming hateful kismesissitude, and then another person who's only tolerable because of the meddling, fussing, and caring of your auspistice.

Then again, maybe this has been the point of some of your fics. The trolls+kids are in a very small social grouping at the moment, so they're already having to deal with issues like "I'm kismesis to my morail's matesprit!". (I guess in troll society these problems are the equivalent of "dating your human best friend's little sister"). It would be really neat to see a fic with one of the trolls freaking out about falling into an ashen relationship with someone they were already caliginous with. Like, Karkat is thinking "it's fucked up to have Rose auspisticing for John and me, because John is my kismesis! But John doesn't really understand kismesissitude anyway, and he's a fragile human...and I really need someone in my life to be ashen for me, because I have so much hate, and I can't imagine any of these other fuckers....I'm turning into a real pervert with only 15 other people left in the world."

Huh. I might even write that at some point, but you're absolutely welcome to any of it that helps.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Skaian,

I always really like your fics; it's really great to see the non-flushed relationships getting some attention. I think from reading the romance descriptions, though, that your ... co-auspisticee? That both of your ashen partners are typically separate people from your kismesis? Like, assuming you're the non-auspisticing partner, you have one feud in your life that boils over into a beautiful consuming hateful kismesissitude, and then another person who's only tolerable because of the meddling, fussing, and caring of your auspistice.

I've never quite gotten that impression, but you could be right. It's not something Andrew has covered in much detail.

Huh. I might even write that at some point, but you're absolutely welcome to any of it that helps.

Feel free!

[Sionnan]

Suddenly, Striderfic! Actually I'm kind of surprised I didn't do anything for a whole day.

In this offering, given names and unintentional histories and brought up through unwitting endeavors.

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Bro was sitting on the floor, amidst a flurry of papers. He was only in a pair of boxers and socks, and he had a paper up so close to his face, which was wearing a magnificent scowl, and pretty much looked like he was trying to use telepathy to curse the original writer of the document. Cal was nearby, puddled on the floor like he'd been taking a leisurely stroll across the room and just kind dropped where he was when Dave walked in.

Okay, whatever.

Bro barely looked up when Dave strolled in, and continued frowning at the papers in his hands as Dave came over and hovered over his brother. "What are you doing," he prodded, trying unsuccessfully to decipher the text upside down. For his part, Bro's mouth flattened out and he edged the paper closer to himself to prevent Dave's snooping.

"Paper work, man."

"Kinda paperwork?"

"The kind that gives me a giant ass ache." Bro sighed, and reached up one hand to pinch at his eyes. "Dude, grab me a Dew or something," he reached over the spread of papers to turn Dave in the general direction of the kitchen, sending him off with a little push.

"Pff. Yes, sahib. Anything else?" Dave's tone might have shriveled the gonads of a lesser man; Bro, who was inured to his sibling's vitriol only muttered a response distractedly. Unsurprsingly, the paperwork had grown a life of its own, and had seemed to be making inroads into the kitchen, tentacular bits of it lingering on the edges of surfaces. Dave spotted a probably warm six pack of Dew chilling out on the floor. It hadn't been there earlier, so bro had probably gotten stir crazy over his project and went off for some air and supplies.

Uncharacteristically hopeful, he checked the fridge and found that the swords had been shoved off to one side, to allow room for half a dozen plastic grocery bags full of food, piled one on top of the other. The shelves had been removed long ago, for what reason Dave could vaguely recall as having to do with a barely legal side project bro had finished long ago, and forgone replacing the innard of the fridge. And there was no use now asking bro to put them back; or where he had put them period. Bro was talking to himself softly, under his breath. It wasn't so rare, but usually he would hum or rap rather than talk to himself, and the new sound was just different enough to be weird. Dave glanced over his shoulder to fix his brother in his sights, finding that he was glancing from paper to paper, making notes on others.

It looked needlessly complicated. It was actually exhausting just watching him. Dave figured he better make an escape before he passed out from second hand exertion, so he bent and freed a Dew from its environmentally unsafe plastic ring. There was a slight shuff of paper on linoleum, and he glanced down to find that the six pack was nesting atop what looked to be an official document, if the raised seal in the corner was anything to go by.

Whoops. He hoped it wasn't anything too important. The Dew might have messed it up. He pulled the bottles' collective fat asses from atop the paper, and lifted the bedraggled document, half listening to his brother make garbled noises to himself. Probably trying to escape his self made hell by swallowing his tongue or something.

It was a birth certificate.

Hm.

Dave glanced over his shoulder, judging his brother's level of attention and need for the Dew. At the moment it appeared minimal- in fact, the paperwork debacle looked like it had taken a turn for the serious. Bro had Cal draped across his lap for moral support, and he was bent over several papers, intense gaze searing across the type. So Dave turned back to his sneaky windfall, examining the document.

It was a Texas birth certificate. Kind of old, too, from the late seventies. The last name was one he was intimately familiar with: Strider.

But the first and middle names were another matter. "Calvin Charles?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself, and he slammed a hand over the traitorous orifice, eyes popping.

He waffled somewhere between aghast and highly amused when his bro gave an absent acknowledgment of his name. "Yeah?"

"Oh hell no."

Bro's eyes darted up from his work and flicked from Dave to the paper he was holding. For a brief second, he looked trapped.

Dave was going to run with it as far as he could, and he honestly couldn't squelch the gleeful grin that lit up on his face. "Calvin?! What kind of a name is that? That's like some old guy name! You're that kid who has a tiger fetish! Snap, mom must have been high or something when she named you. Did she hate you that much?"

God him and his big mouth. He just kept rolling with it, saying whatever sprang to mind, and he watched as his brother's face, while mostly blank, twitched from amused to aggrieved. It was less than a second, but with his last sentence, Dave could see the tops of his brother's eyebrows lift and pull together, eyelids dropping, the corners of his mouth pulling down. It was so quick he barely had time to register it.

He had legitimately said something that hurt his brother.

Dave arrested his harrangue as abruptly as he'd started it, stopping himself with barely audible choke.

The silence, heavy and ponderous, stretched between them, while Bro flatly looked at the papers in front of him instead of Dave, hands on his knees. It felt like an eternity, but Bro lifted his head after only a second, and flashed his brother a crooked smile. "I was named after Dad, who was named after his Dad. So yeah, Calvin's totally lame. Why do you think I sign for everything by 'Charles'?" The lopsided grin evened out as it became conspiratorial. "At least Charles isn't so craptastically gaytarded. And," he added, "Charles was Mom's Dad, in case you were wondering."

He stood, stumbling a little as his stiff joints protested at the change in posture, setting Cal down to rest on the papers. He came over and snagged the Dew from Dave's hand, but parted with, "You should see what your middle name is."

And he laughed.

Dave froze. "Oh hell no."

[Kawa]

If Dave's middle name ain't Motherfucking, you're a dead writer.

[lucidSeraph]

DFJaslkfj I WANT TO KNOW DAMMIT

what is the middle naaaame

[Mr_Ham97]

Hey I guess this is more of a fanfic than anything so here you go:

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Your name is Tami Webster and you are 13 years old and you are the most beautiful girl at your school because you started pubrety early so all the boys want to "do it" with youu but you are a member of the abstinenence club and are going to wait until your married, preferably to a big hunky smart guy whos exactly like you in every way and leafs the toilet seet down (ugggghhh!!!1 that bugs me sooooooooooooooooooo much!!) oops where was i oh yeah you are secretly half trool and have psykick powers but noone knows at your school but your best freind Jade Harley knows and your other best freind Rose Lalonde knows but no one else does because if they knew you were half trool youd be locked up in area 51 or some creepy govrnment place like that to test you(seriously that would be sooooooo scarrry!)

You frist herd about SBURB when you were just a little kid because your freind Jade gave you a extra copy of it just in case u wanted to play it but you had all the videogames because your adoptive dad is a quadribillionair and owns all the companies so you can have anything u want in the world but you only got a computer better then Jades (ha!!!) and some games for it and gave the rest to charitiy so all the poor prople can have a life too

You have an adoptive dad because you were orfined when you were a baby when your parents were killed by Jack Nior when he time traveled (arrrrrrrrgh why is he soooo mean?!?>) but he was actually trying to kill you because he knew you would be really special when you played SBURb but you got away just in time because Dave came back in time to save you from Jacky and sacrefised himself for you even though you were just a baby

So your last name is Webster just like the dictionairy because your adoptive dad is John Webster and is the owner of the dictionairy company (and all the other companies but the dictionairy company was his frist one) which is why hes so rich

You werent going to play SBRUB ever but Rose talked to you and said "Hey I'm dyeing of a skin cancer and John needs to be saved so can you save him instead of me because I won't be alive much longer but you thought she was talking about your dad (LOL!!) but then you understood so you said yes and you joined as Johns server player

(oh btw your chumhandel is prettyPrincess because your actually a adopted princess because your adoptive dad is a king too)

PP: Hey John im your server player lets deploy these alchimiter things
EB: oooh hey i thought rose was!
PP: no i am now because Rose had a skin cancer so she couldnt make it
EB: oh well i like you more anyway hey whats this big platformy thing?
PP: thats the alchimiter
PP: lern the lingo buster!!!
[color="blue]EB: whoops sorry[/color]
EB: anyway what do i do now
PP: u have to kill Jack Nior!!! he killed my parents remember
EB: that was such a mean thing for him to do
EB: but what do i do with this "alchimeter" thing??
PP: oh thats easy u just make items!!!

So you showed John how to make the best items using not much grist and and you prototiped his spryte with the joker figurene because u love the Dark Night movie and you deployed the pear (becuz its a pear now not an appel!!!) and he ate it and got to the Medeum once he was there you told him to not kill any imps becuz they were cute and looked like the Joker but John isnt as good at making people like you as you are so one of the imps tried to put a smile on his face (lol great reference huh!) but you told him to look out just in time so he dodged it and hit the imp with the hammer and got more grist

Meenwhile a big giant meteor was going on your penthouse so you were scared so you told Dave to connect to you and he did so he prototiped your sprite with a superman poster because you love superman because hes your ideal husband and made the alchimiter and you burnt the money and got to the Medeum too

Once you were there you started making the best weapons because you had a million billion grist because you were torenting it from John who got a lot from killing monsters so you got the best weapons (your strife specibus is NINJAKIND because your a triple black belt ninja) so you had Masamune and Ryouken which are the best wakazashi's and shurikens you can get (man japanese words are sooooo cool! I wish i lived there) but even though they were the best you didnt want to kill anything so you talked to the bad guys and they became your freinds because you are really nice so you got all the escaladder levels

TG: hey have you herd of the fucking god teir Tami?
PP: yes i know about it because i red your mind from the future when i was a baby so i know everything about this game
PP: by the way is there a medeor above your house???
TG: no fucking way there is are you psikik? u must fucking be
PP: he he he i am but dont tell John
TG: why not fucking tell john?
[color="turquoise"]PP: because i dont want you too[/colot]
TG: oh ok

So Dave got Jade to put him in the Medeum too and they used a clockwork solder (which is why Jaky was able to go back in time!!) and made him the best wepons and a new outfit:



(its robes because hes the sorceror of time and that crown hes talking to is you)

Then you talked to John and said that Jade has to go in because theres a big medeor going to her so he said yes and joined her in and they prototiped Bec aciddentally (so Jake has all the power oh no!)

Meanwhile you went to the god tear place and layed down on the bed and went to sleep and because you went to sleep you didnt have to dye which is good because you hate blood anyway you became your role which was the Goddess of Song which was really fitting because you have a voice like an angle (which is because your half angel too!)

Then Carcat started trolling you but you told him you didnt like it when he was angry so he made himself not be angry then you became freinds and all the other trolsl liked you too because you were really nice to them and never got angry even Vriska liked you but she said not to tell anyone because she gets too embarasses

But then Dave asked you a question

TG: hey uh Tami ive got a fucking question
PP: yeah What is it???
TG: well fuck you see im
TG: im actualy really fucking atracted to you
[color="turquoise"]PP: yeah so waht every boy in my skool was attracked to me[/colot]
TG: no this is fucking diferent
TG: fuck
TG: you see im in fucking love with u
PP: oooh well sorry i love John
[color="red"]TG: fuck no reason to live now[/color
TG: might as well fucking majik myself to death
PP: hey wait howabout you save me when im a baby you died then
TG: thats a fucking good ideas

So the time look was completed and Dave sacreficed himself to save you :'(

Meenwhile you and John and Jade were talking when Jace Nose appeared!!! he had all the powers of super man and the joker and bec and he could travel in time too but you threee teamed up together and with teh majic of frendships you destroyed Jade Nore and the Medeum was saved even the trools who came into our univurse and you had a kid with Carkat and named him George

THE END

Now to never make something like that ever again.

[Red Pen]

Hey I guess this is more of a fanfic than anything so here you go:
(THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER WRITTEN)
Now to never make something like that ever again.

Oh goodness I can't breathe. That was amazing.

[lucidSeraph]

> Seraph: Begin cooking with petrol.

reVisions

Outlines | Brainstorms

Experiments

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> Lillian: Worry.

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Your ex husband calls and you can't remember his name. Oh, you know who the bastard is, but his name doesn't come to you and he angrily reminds you. It ends in shouting, as usual, and you nearly throw your cell phone across the room before going straight for the gin.

Rose stares at you, ghostlike, from the hall. You give her a warm smile and she glowers, backing away.

Ah. Teenagers.

Still. You don't know why these memories are fading. You schedule an appointment to be screened for Alzhimers, for dementia, for everything and anything. You can't fade now. Rose needs you. And for god's sake you're only forty.

You don't have time for this. The meteors you've tracked are going to destroy the Earth. You take your finding to Nasa and they laugh at you, they say they've found nothing. You become a Cassandra, practically screaming at them to listen, listen, listen!

No one listens.

You withdraw, then. Fine. You'll work on the game and you'll save your friends, if that's all you can do.

> James: Fondly regard portrait of Elaine.

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You can't find her picture anywhere. There's a picture of your grandmother, Anna, instead. You panic, looking for it everywhere. You ask John, thinking maybe your son has pranked you, and he gives you an odd look and says that he hasn't seen it anywhere.

You sit down on the edge of your bed and realize that you can't remember what color her eyes were.

> Bro: wonder what color your own eyes are.

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They're brown, dinkus. To be fair, they're a nice brown. But for fuck's sake they're brown, and they're not blue or green. Brown. Just 'cause you're strawberry blond doesn't mean you have green eyes. Plenty of gingers have brown eyes. Dave's eyes are the same, if a little lighter than yours.

> Bro: Put on sunglasses

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What sunglasses? You don't wear sunglasses. Why the fuck would you wear sunglasses? You're already enough of a tool without them and you'd rather not. Sunglasses, you mean really.

So that's why it's a shock when you look in the mirror one morning and find that they've started to change color. Right now, they look amber. They look amber and even as you watch there's something liquid about them, something... wrong. Even as you watch your eyes deepen, alter, and change from amber to the color of blood.

You remember that your father put it down to some genetic defect and said that it was fine. You remember that you've always worn sunglasses because if you didn't people would stare, people would hurt you (before you learned to hurt them back, of course). You remember making your brother wear the same sunglasses. You remember picking out the most ridiculous ones you could find and there they are, by your right hand, sitting on the sink.

You remember Lillian saying that you had Mars' eyes.

You don't remember remembering any of this five minutes ago.

> Hass: Reminisce about the war.

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What... what war? You were never part of either of the great wars, haha! Wait, first great war? You were born... before then? Or after? Jade asks you about your airship and you think yes, of course, you do have an airship!

Don't you?

Everything's so very confusing. But you are an old man, and this happens to old men. War. It's a dreadful thing. You do think you were involved in one, but you can't quite remember what you did in it now. You have no medals, after all.

There is now a collection of armor in your foyer, and you cannot recall how it got there.

> Hass: Marvel at all this new STUFF!

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Your house is changing and filling with new delights every day. First there's the corpse of a horrible beast which just shows up in your basement. You teach Jade how to stuff it. You teach her to stuff the other dead things which start appearing out of nowhere. You take joy in the robots and the pictures and the teleporters and everything all around your abode. You are aware that these things weren't here before even if you can't remember obtaining them because this is all so very exciting!

Your airstrip floods that night and the next morning you can't remember ever having an airstrip. You had a pilot's license? How terribly silly! Wherever did you get that idea! And when did you go to Africa?

You begin to dream in chessboard patterns.

> Lillian: Drink.

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You stare hollow-eyed at the glass tubes and green circutboards and your ever expanding basement. Your memory hasn't caught up with how this got here. But there's a teleporter. In your basement. There's a teleporter. This shouldn't be possible. Your fingers tremble as you lift the martini glass to your lips and you manage to break the damn thing.

How? You've never broken one before. Not once. Or... have you? You can't remember. Your memory feels full of holes. You can't remember your rat of an ex husband's name.

But you can remember Ambrose's.

> James: Express fatherly concern.

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You sit on your son's bed as he sleeps and brush his hair back from his face. He looks so peaceful. So quiet.

But the walls speak differently. This is new and not new. You remember he's always done this. But no, he couldn't have. This must be new even if you remember it. How is that possible?

You think she would have found it funny. You don't at all. You worry. Mostly, you worry about John.

You just want him to grow up strong and brave. That's all.

AN

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Re-titled a few things so that I don't run out of titles x_X;

Also! HEY GUYS. DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS AU? ARE YOU GOING "Hey so when does X happen, or why does Y occur then???" ASK ME! Your questions will help me direct the next chapter a little better. sometimes things that make sense to me don't always make sense to others after all.

[sebastian]

mr_ham97: You forgot to make her a vampyre(half).

[SkaianRedeemer]

@mr_ham97: I love this so much, there's something for everybody. I for one just love how there was a different mistake with each colour tag problem, or ways to misspell "Jack" of all things.

[KarneWarrior]

Hey I guess this is more of a fanfic than anything so here you go:
[Hilarity]
Now to never make something like that ever again.

WoaH bitch You inturded on my teritorry and now i have yto TAK YOU DOWN.

WHERE DOING THIS SHIIT MANG
.
WE R MAKING THIS HAPPEN.

BADFIC OFF. NOW.

HOMESTCUKE SUCKED AT YOUR HOMES!!!!!!!!@
PARY TWOOOOOOO

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YOUR neme is jhon egbert and you are a thirteen your old boy.... and today is your bday now what is your named???????

>zoosmeel pooplord

no this is stupid and funny we cant name you this this sis bad and stuff try again asswhole

>jhon egbert

yo8ur name is jhon egbert todAY IS YOUR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDay. there are cakes all over your room because today is your birthday. you have pposters on the walls and they are for really bad movies which you like because they are actuyally awesome, or at least you think they are so youe watch them and have a total crush on nic cage which all the girls thing is sooooo cute

and aslo that snobby bitch li9vb tyler but who cares about her.

you lkike to programed tour cvomputers but you arent very good at it so you have funny file ames because you suck at progrtamming

>jhon get arems from the fdresser

your fake arms are in the chest you stipud

>jhon get cake off chest

youi moved the cake from chest due to thinking jhon had no armess wow you are stupid but you dunt know that yety\

.jhon get arms

you get ypusr fake arms from the chaest.

.jhon shit on your sesk and skwak like a bitrd

you do so

[raequiem]

Oh god guys. I have no idea what just happened - one minute I was working on Bright Eyes and browsing this thread, next thing I know it's a week and twenty pages later, there's blood all over the room, I've got about a thousand shipping charts in varying flavors of crack and Cal is in the corner. He's watching me oh god no someonehelppleaseohgoooooooooooooooooduah;auaougrh p;aihgp;sutgbfnq0r8egysu;frdaiafs;dvu9etfgrgfudjah g

RAE WIL LHA VES OME FIC BYT ONI GHT ORS HEW ILL BEI NEV ENM ORE TRO UBL ETH ANS HEA LRE ADY IS

HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO

[SkaianRedeemer]

Fun Fact: Every author will be under Cal's direct control come Spring, all hail our velvety master.

[mutecebu]

Seraph: Loving it more and more! Never ever stop.

Questions/prompts/etc:
-How do the guardians eventually / retroactively meet (if they ever do before Sburb)?
-Will Lillian eventually "remember" how the transporters and sci fi equipment end up in her basement? Alternatively, the stuff in her basement was (retroactively) put there by SOMEONE, even if she never "remembers" how it got there.
-In cannon, some of the guardians seem to know what they're doing (though it's possible they don't). Mom taking the boat to the island with the warp to the lab. Hass saving John on LOWAS. Hass meeting Dad on LOWAS and beckoning him somewhere. Will that be covered in this fic?
-How did the collection of 8 "heirlooms" make it to the lab? We saw maplehoof, mutini, "dream"!Cal (I think) and the two bunnies make their way there,but what about the pistols, etc?
-What's up with the guardian's dreams?
-Is the story going to continue into SBURB?
-How did Hass get all his tech? I understand he invented/developed a lot of it, but it's pretty crazy (i.e. teleporters). Frog ruins, or from SBURB itself?

(I don't "need" answers to any of these, but it's fun finding them)

Things I'm confused about:
What's the current state on meteors, etc? (Lilians memories, what was nasa doing, the new revised history, and what is nasa doing now)
I know you said it, but I'm having trouble piecing it together.

~~~
RedPen: Hurray more Unhinged! Great as always. In general, I really like the core concept: "what about dreamselves interfering with Derse?"

[Wigmund]

Hi there Cal. How's it going? We really had fun awhile back didn't we >:D

Ship To Ship Combat
(sequel to All The Ships)

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Karkat, Dave, Tavros and Eridan looked in shock upon Jade's suitor. John was still laughing. Gamzee was too far into his sopor buzz to know what was going on.

Nepeta?

Why...why Nepeta?

Nepeta placed her hands upon her hips and stared at the six gathered in Jade's living room.
":?? < So, what are you guys doing here?"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Yeah, I'm curious as well. I didn't know that Jade was-
":33 < Into girls? Well she likes this pussy-"
Three shades of red, two shades of purple and a shade of brown flashed across the guys faces.
";]] < -cat. You naughty boys."

Eventually Jade exited her bedroom dressed in an even more revealing version of the Three In The Morning gown she made years ago...
"I'm surprised this thing fits after all these years."
She pulled on it, causing interesting movements and grunts of frustration from the four wannabe suitors.
"Bit snug in certain areas though."
">:DD < It looks purrfect Jade. Shall we head out?"
"Okay."
Jade turned to the guys.
"I'm going to trust leaving you guys alone. I won't be back until late tonight. Don't make a mess and lock up when you all leave."
":33 < Toodaloo."
And with a swish of their hips, the girls were gone.

Karkat, Dave, Tavros and Eridan looked forlornly at the coffee table, Gamzee whipped out another Faygo from where ever it was he stored them and John just leaned on his elbow, smiling at the four rejected souls.

"Time for the shipping charts?"

All six guys glanced at each other and then reached into their pockets, each pulling out a piece of paper with sixteen pictures on it. A quick glance revealed it to be the Sburb and Sgrub players.

"Alright, let's narrow down this list guys. We'll find someone."
"Okay, what about Rose?"
"We're happily married."
The four questants glared at John and then as one, marked the blonde girl from their lists, as well as Nepeta and Jade.
"Feferi? Oh wwait, she's wwith that fuckin mustard-blood."
"That reminds me, what is Sollux doing nowadays? I haven't really seen him since we left the game."
"I, uh, heard he became a police officer."
"Really?"

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Somewhere across town, Officer Sollux Captor approached a woman in a bar.
"Ethcuthe me mithh, but I believe there'th a problem here."
She giggled and looked up at the ruggedly-built cop.
"Whatever could it be Officer Captor?"
Music with a driving beat started up nearby.
"I believe I'm going to have to conduct a thtrip thearch."
The music became louder and Sollux slowly started to unbutton his uniform.
"TAK-E IT OFF )(ON-EYB-E-E!"

"Well, I hope he's happy with his job."
They marked off Feferi. Eridan sobbed softly yet again.
"Aradia? She is living again, right?"
"umm, I thought she was with, uh, Equius."
"Nope, Equius lives by himself with some robot 'friends' next door to Jade. Mr Nosy Neighbor."
They all looked at the chart and then at each other.
"I, uh, think to go on walk guys. I, uh guess, um, I'll see you all, uh, later."
Tavros got up and quickly went out the front door. They heard his rocket boots as he blasted off. They all marked yet another gal off their lists.
"Let's see....oh god..."
"Well, I have no desire for Spiderbitch."
"I'm desperate, but not that much."
"I am."
Karkat and Dave looked up at Eridan as he uncurled from the chair he was sinking into and started towards the door.
"Eridan, I know your desperate...but...it's Vriska..."
"Yeah, there's definitely someone out there..."
Eridan smiled at the two and shook his head.
"Don't wworry about me guys. I think this is for the best. You can mark VVriska off of your lists."
As he walked out the door, the four guys stood up and saluted a brave man.
"How long until we find his body wrapped in spider webs and drained of blood?"
"Oh come on Dave, Vriska's a bitch but she doesn't eat people."
"Yeah, you survived her embrace."
John blushed as that brought back some interesting and embarrassing memories from when the trolls and kids finally met up.

Karkat had good reason to be worried about Sloppy Interspecies Makeouts.

The four marked Vriska off the list and then looked at the last female. Terezi Pyrope.
"Hmm"
"Hmm?"
"Well, guys I've had a fun night, but I think I need to turn in."
Dave got up, stretched and started towards the door.

Karkat jumped up and pointed at him.
"STOP RIGHT THERE SHITHEAD!"
They both ran for the door and started to fight in the entry hall. John and Gamzee got up to watch the two Knights fight with each other.
"You rejected her years ago!"
"I DIDN'T! SHE LEFT ME!"
"For someone cooler!"
"FOR A SMUG DOUCHEBAG WHO LEFT HER!"
"Fuck off asshole!"
"Hey Dave? Do you know what my Sgrub title was?"
"You think I give a fuck?"
"YOU SHOULD! IT WAS KNIGHT OF-"
Karkat squinted at Dave.
"BLOOD!"

Two streams of blood shot out and hit Dave right in his shades. Dave freaked out and fell to the ground, giving Karkat an opening to run out the doors and down the street.

"GOD DAMN THAT WAS SICK!"
Dave got up, wiped the blood off and then pulled out his time tables.
"Two can play games with their old powers!"
And with that, he started up the tables and disappeared into the time stream.

John was still wearing a look of disgust when he glanced up at Gamzee who had retrieved a slice of sopor pie from the depths of wherever and was munching on it.
"So that was Karkat's Sgrub power? Squirting blood out of his eyes?"
"No MaN, tHaT wAsN't HiS fUcKiNg SgRuB pOwEr."
John gave the drug-addled troll a confused look, which Gamzee took as an invitation for an explanation.
"AlL uS tRoLlS cAn SqUiRt BlOoD lIkE tHaT. It'S aN eVoLuTiOnArY lEfToVeR fRoM wHeN oUr MoThErFuCkInG rAcE wAs NoThInG mOrE tHaN tRoGlOdYtIc InSeCtOiD pRoTo-MaMmAlS."
John was shocked that Gamzee knew those words. Hell, he was shocked that Gamzee had known anything about his race's history.
"FuCkInG sElF-dEfEnSe YoU kNoW? HeLl, SoMe TrOlLs StIlL sQuIrT bLoOd WhEn FriGhTeNeD oR sTrEsSeD. ThE rEsT oF uS fUcKiNg ShItS cAn Do It If We CoNcEnTrAte"
"Really?"
"FuCk YeAh, WaTcH tHiS."

John watched in terror as Gamzee squinted one of his eyes and sent a spray of purple blood across Jade's living room.
"You know, I think it's time for us to go."
"'KaY."



Hours later, at well past three in the morning, a very tipsy Jade and a tipsy Nepeta walked into the apartment. They were ready to have some more fun and then see what happened in the morning.

Jade closed the door and turned on the lights in her living room.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN HERE!?"

A/N:

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Enjoy! This has boiling in my mind for some time, because I had too much fun writing All The Ships.

Then in the Troll!Cops thread someone posted a picture of Sollux in prostitute drag and it reminded me about this and the scene of Sollux stripping specifically, which was the first thing I thought of for the sequel.

The blood-squirting thing was inspired by a conversation in one of the threads a while back.

[Kassiopeia]

@Mr Ham: OMG GRATEST FANFITCION EVAR!!!!1

I just about lost it at "Meenwhile you and John and Jade were talking when Jace Nose appeared!!!" JACE NOSE.
Also Dave saying "fucking" in every sentence. Beautiful.

@Seraph OH HELL YES. I will go read
OKAY DONE. This may be my favourite installment yet. There is something both melancholy-dreamlike and very sharp about it. It's really... disturbing. But in a good way.

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(LILIAN/AMBROSE OTP)

[Graven_Image]

And now it is time to once again raise the intellectual level of our program.

Graven_Image presents...


The End of an Age

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The war began that day.

The Thief of Life had appeared among the armies of Shadow, fighting to placate her hunger for life and to repay the Mage, who had given her succor when no one else would.

The Prince, seeing this, demanded that the other Creators choose a side.

The Witch of Light, thoroughly convinced her sister had gone mad, joined the Prince in defense of his nation. It pained her to fight against her own kin, but she felt she had no choice.

The Rogue of Mind listened to both sides. From the Prince, he heard incoherent anger and senseless rage. From the Mage he heard cold logic, and that appealed to the Rogue. He faded into the seething masses of shadow, and was not seen for many years.

The Seer of Heart also looked on both combatants. To her, the Mage was an abomination, full of dark envy and jealousy. The Prince, however, blazed bright in righteous passion for his cause. Among the people of the world, he alone was her joy to behold. So she joined him, and became the princess of the nation.

And thus it became the Nation of the Burning Heart, which lives to this day.

The next day, the Prince discovered something horrible.

Every man and woman he had lost the previous day fighting back the shadow had risen again, almost the same, but tinged black and sharing the will of the Mage.

They pledged their allegiance to her, and set out for the East, abandoning their Prince and their friends to make a new nation opposed to the Burning Heart.

And so came the Nation of the Dark Mind into existence, which also survives today.

And so the war went on for months.

The Maiden and the Servant could not bear to watch the war their friends were fighting. They told the Prince they would be leaving this world.

He asked the Maiden why she could bear to leave him, after all they had accomplished.

She replied that the world would be kept together as best as her seamstresses could keep it, and she did not wish to look on her handiwork sullied by war.

He asked the Servant why he would abandon his best friend.

He replied that he had seen ten, a hundred, even a thousand years into the future. Time had decided that this war would be endless, and he neither had to nor wanted to stay to see it.

He asked the Maiden if she knew of the Knight. She had seen him, she said, in the East, still searching for his lost love. He would fight for no one.

The Prince's heart hardened at that moment. He bid the Servant of Time and the Maiden of Space to leave his kingdom, and never return.

And so the two opened a gate into heaven, and departed.

The war plunged the world into a Dark Age, an Epoch of Death. Where the Prince's fury sparked, there erupted volcanoes, and so did the world sprout mountains.

Where the Mage's dread magics struck, there gouged huge chasms in the earth, and so did the world gain canyons.

Where the Prince planned his campaigns and let his anger simmer for days and weeks on end, the ground shriveled up, and so did the deserts form.

Where the Mage kept her armies under cover of clouds and rain, the earth flourished, and so did the jungles spring up.

Where great battles raged, the ground was carved into great looming plains, where the rains and rivers gathered. And so did the oceans form.

This is how the world gained its current shape.

[sebastian]

Wigmund:That was the funnier fics I have even read, probably the funniest ever. I can't even start saying what is the funniest part.

[SkaianRedeemer]

@Wigmund: With friends like those...

GG: rose, can you house sit for me?
GG: i'm going on vacation in a few weeks and you're the only one I can still trust not to criss-cross my living room with blood and leave Eridan unconscious, bleeding and draped over my fence!!
TT: ...yes, I can see why you might want that.
GG: great!

[lucidSeraph]

All great questions Mutecebu; can't say I'll answer ALL of them but this is good stuff :3 HOWEVER!

-How do the guardians eventually / retroactively meet (if they ever do before Sburb)?

This was already answered in part! James and Lillian have already been on at least one date; and Lillian and Ambrose have known each other for a very long time (also, they had a brief affair when Bro was eighteen, which has been alluded to several times). Lillian also knows Hass, and has for some time, and finally Hass is James' uncle.

So they all already know each other, at least partially!

-How did the collection of 8 "heirlooms" make it to the lab? We saw maplehoof, mutini, "dream"!Cal (I think) and the two bunnies make their way there,but what about the pistols, etc?

holy hell I totally forgot about this, thank you.


The rest of this will be answered in fic, promise. :3

*e* Lol Wigmund! You somehow managed to hit on my headcanon for why troll tears are colored XDDD that's AWESOME.

[TacticGamer]

Suddenly, Striderfic! Actually I'm kind of surprised I didn't do anything for a whole day.

In this offering, given names and unintentional histories and brought up through unwitting endeavors.

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Bro was sitting on the floor, sitting amidst a flurry of papers. He was only in a pair of boxers and socks, and he had a paper up so close to his face, which was wearing a magnificent scowl, and pretty much looked like he was trying to use telepathy to curse the original writer of the document. Cal was nearby, puddled on the floor like he'd been taking a leisurely stroll across the room and just kind dropped where he was when Dave walked in.

Okay, whatever.

Bro barely looked up when Dave strolled in, and continued frowning at the papers in his hands as Dave came over and hovered over his brother. "What are you doing," he prodded, trying unsuccessfully to decipher the text upside down. For his part, Bro's mouth flattened out and he edged the paper closer to himself to prevent Dave's snooping.

"Paper work, man."

"Kinda paperwork?"

"The kind that gives me a giant ass ache." Bro sighed, and reached up one hand to pinch at his eyes. "Dude, grab me a Dew or something," he reached over the spread of papers to turn Dave in the general direction of the kitchen, sending him off with a little push.

"Pff. Yes, sahib. Anything else?" Dave's tone might have shriveled the gonads of a lesser man; Bro, who was inured to his sibling's vitriol only muttered a response distractedly. Unsurprsingly, the paperwork had grown a life of its own, and had seemed to be making inroads into the kitchen, tentacular bits of it lingering on the edges of surfaces. Dave spotted a probably warm six pack of Dew chilling out on the floor. It hadn't been there earlier, so bro had probably gotten stir crazy over his project and went off for some air and supplies.

Uncharacteristically hopeful, he checked the fridge and found that the swords had been shoved off to one side, to allow room for half a dozen plastic grocery bags full of food, piled one on top of the other. The shelves had been removed long ago, for what reason Dave could vaguely recall as having to do with a barely legal side project bro had finished long ago, and forgone replacing the innard of the fridge. And there was no use now asking bro to put them back; or where he had put them period. Bro was talking to himself softly, under his breath. It wasn't so rare, but usually he would hum or rap rather than talk to himself, and the new sound was just different enough to be weird. Dave glanced over his shoulder to fix his brother in his sights, finding that he was glancing from paper to paper, making notes on others.

It looked needlessly complicated. It was actually exhausting just watching him. Dave figured he better make an escape before he passed out from second hand exertion, so he bent and freed a Dew from its environmentally unsafe plastic ring. There was a slight shuff of paper on linoleum, and he glanced down to find that the six pack was nesting atop what looked to be an official document, if the raised seal in the corner was anything to go by.

Whoops. He hoped it wasn't anything too important. The Dew might messed it up. He pulled the bottles' collective fat asses from atop the paper, and lifted the bedraggled document, half listening to his brother make garbled noises to himself. Probably trying to escape his self made hell by swallowing his tongue or something.

It was a birth certificate.

Hm.

Dave glanced over his shoulder, judging his brother's level of attention and need for the Dew. At the moment it appeared minimal- in fact, the paperwork debacle looked like it had taken a turn for the serious. Bro had Cal draped across his lap for moral support, and he was bent over several papers, intense gaze searing across the type. So Dave turned back to his sneaky windfall, examining the document.

It was a Texas birth certificate. Kind of old, too, from the late seventies. The last name was one he was intimately familiar with Strider.

But the first and middle names were another matter. "Calvin Charles?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself, and he slammed a hand over the traitorous orifice, eyes popping.

He waffled somewhere between aghast and highly amused when his bro gave an absent acknowledgment of his name. "Yeah?"

"Oh hell no."

Bro's eyes darted up from his work and flicked from Dave to the paper he was holding. For a brief second, he looked trapped.

Dave was going to run with it as far as he could, and he honestly couldn't squelch the gleeful grin that lit up on his face. "Calvin?! What kind of a name is that? That's like some old guy name! You're that kid who has a tiger fetish! Snap, mom must have been high or something when she named you. Did she hate you that much?"

God him and his big mouth. He just kept rolling with it, saying whatever sprang to mind, and he watched as his brother's face, while mostly blank, twitched from amused to aggrieved. It was less than a second, but with his last sentence, Dave could see the tops of his brother's eyebrows lift and pull together, eyelids dropping, the corners of his mouth pulling down. It was so quick he barely had time to register it.

He had legitimately said something that hurt his brother.

Dave arrested his harrangue as abruptly as he'd started it, stopping himself with barely audible choke.

The silence, heavy and ponderous, stretched between them, while Bro flatly looked at the papers in front of him instead of Dave, hands on his knees. It felt like an eternity, but Bro lifted his head after only a second, and flashed his brother a crooked smile. "I was named after Dad, who was named after his Dad. So yeah, Calvin's totally lame. Why do you think I sign for everything by 'Charles'?" The lopsided grin evened out as it became conspiratorial. "At least Charles isn't so craptastically gaytarded. And," he added, "Charles was Mom's Dad, in case you were wondering."

He stood, stumbling a little as his stiff joints protested at the change in posture, setting Cal down to rest on the papers. He came over and snagged the Dew from Dave's hand, but parted with, "You should see what your middle name is."

And he laughed.

Dave froze. "Oh hell no."

Is his middle name Princess McSparklebutt?

I'm pretty sure it is.

If it isn't then it's Motherfucking or nothing.

[TacticGamer]

Someone repost those color-codes for the kids.