MSPA Fanfiction IV

[QuetzaDrake]

Well, yeah, but I wouldn't think that they'd execute Godot THAT fast... I mean there was a whole year between 1 and 2 for von Karma to be executed and...

...s-shut up. ;~; Godot noooooooo

Also I'm... fffairly sure not EVERYBODY who murders gets sentenced to death, otherwise the motivation for Matt Enguarde's final scene is incredibly silly.

[Kerensky287]

I'm fairly certain the idea in Phoenix Wright was that after the conviction, their punishments would be decided later.

So in the case of Von Karma, who obviously committed double homocide and tried to frame his ward for it, he gets the chair.

Meanwhile, Matt Engarde eventually confesses in hopes of leniency.

And Godot was found to have killed Mrs Fey as part of a plan THEY BOTH HAD MADE. So he totally could have been let off easy.

[lucidSeraph]

You're all also forgetting that even after a death sentence is given, it takes a very long time for it to be carried out...

Wikipedia, brosephs. Use it.

[egregiousBass]

You're all also forgetting that even after a death sentence is given, it takes a very long time for it to be carried out...

Yeah, because the Ace Attorney series is a faithful representation of the juicidal system =P

ON-TOPIC:
That Jade/Dave pesterfic reminded me of Pride and Prejudice. Therefore;

Homestuck meets Oscar Wilde

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CT: D--> It is mesmerizing, a%ually
TG: what
CT: D--> You are nowhere near as STRONG as I am
CT: D--> The opposite, even
CT: D--> You have the 100k of someone who could pass out at any moment
TG: fuck you
CT: D--> And your b100d is of an immensely inferior variety
CT: D--> And yet it fascinates me
TG: you are one creepy dude
CT: D--> I am e%periencing a manner of attra%ion to your fragility
CT: D--> What a shame then that it will fade away over time
CT: D--> Yes, I am sure you will grow up to be a STRONG warrior
CT: D--> Like me
TG: i sure as hell hope not
CT: D--> So I advise you
CT: D--> No, beg
CT: D--> That you enjoy this youthful vulnerability to its fullest
CT: D--> I need a handkerchief
TG: and what if i dont
CT: D--> Then I will take s001ace in the painting which captures your current state
TG: speaking of which
TG: is that thing just about done already
GC: 1T'S F1N1SH3D >:]
TG: good
TG: cause im getting the fuck outta here

[Kerensky287]

Page 57

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The Survivor by Tybian Sothoth:
-First things first: "your" is possessive, as in "this is your story." "You're" is a contraction of "you" and "are". Second things second: Doc Scratch's white text was intended to be annoying as part of the whole "joke's on you, the reader" thing in MSPA. That doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong to include white text, but to be honest in a serious story like this, it just seems out-of-place (in my humble opinion). I'd recommend separating dialog into chatlogs as you see elsewhere in the thread at bare minimum, simply because that way there's some indication of where Scratch starts speaking.
-As for the story itself, I'll reserve judgment for later chapters, but a story of an observer with insight into each troll's personality seems like a fun idea.

Rhapsody from Rancor by Karijou:
-One of the best things about this story is just how you've taken what could've been a "love story", almost, and literally inverted it. Pleasant afterthoughts become violent footnotes, and when he encounters the queen they become passionately bloody - in a normal story, when the guy plays his music it might be more of a romantic proclamation that the girl reciprocates, and this is mirrored perfectly again when the queen smashes the shit out of Jack's piano after he leaves. I'm not a huge fan in general of the agent/exile parts of Homestuck, but this fic is an enormous exception. Well done!

Page 58

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Pillweef.

Page 59

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Pillweef by MayorSillyBiscuits:
-Political satire George Orwell would prostrate himself in front of. Excuse me while I cry inky black tears for the loss of forumite freedoms. Oh wait they gave them back nevermind.

Homekrigg Geniusstuck by spacetimeCounselor:
-oh crap I still forgot to go back and read the rest sorry sorry sorry

The Death of the Maid by Ganato:
-You were right about there being a handful of mixed-up tenses that threw me off once in a while, but that's nothing major. I love the fairytale-ish feeling you've managed to put into this. I haven't read ahead to see if you continued, but I'd love more from this AU.

Page 60

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Trial by Void Chapter 3 by KarneWarrior:
-I really regret skipping over these back when you posted them initially. More excellence regarding early troll life. Was the spider a potential lusus, or am I misinterpreting that part? I don't know yet if this is supposed to be about the two surviving against all odds, or if it's more about what happens when a relationship this tight arises. Either way, tons of potential, looking forward to the rest.

Mr. Bull And Lioness Search Fur the Fountain of Cute by Wigmund:
-*The lioness purrtended that she didn't hear Mr. Bull being out of charactpurr because then she would have to cut him.* Hilarious story-behind-a-story. I admit that Nepeta's typing quirk reeeeally grates on me after a while but in this case it fit with the feeling of the story. There are a billion great little touches that all come together that make the story hilarious.

Untitled (A Strider Fic for a 101st Post) by Sionnan:
-Sionnan uses technique Striderfic Ω! It's super effective! Kerensky takes 413 damage! Kerensky has been defeated! Sionnan gains 612 experience. Sionnan has mastered Striderfic Ω! Sionnan has mastered the Striderfic tree! Kerensky drops 287 gold and 1 Jaw.

Untitled (Itty-bitty strider fic) by StarKirby:
-Aww, widdle Dave has a fever or heatstroke or something. I like fics where Bro pretends to be all neglectful and then drops the act the moment Dave needs any help. Real Brother Relationship, hurray.

Page 61

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The Survivor Chapter 2 by Tybian Sothoth:
-I feel kind of bad about my earlier... negative-ish review. I guess the your/you're thing was a one-time issue - I was just a little bugged by having to highlight everything. This time I just used Ctrl+A. The story's coming along, and it looks like next chapter's gonna have some interaction with the other trolls, which I'm looking forward to.

Hellish Crossover by horosphere:
-Yay Disgaea! Did you do more? I hope you did more. It's unfair to just leave people hanging like that.

Guardian by mutecebu:
-Aww, poor John. Becoming his own Dad must be a bizarre experience. This sort of "kid becomes their guardian thing" happens a lot and I can't help but wonder if someone's going to write one where Jade becomes her grandfather...?

A Tender Moment by Ganato:
-I think I may have gotten entirely the wrong feeling out of this one because I had "4 Minutes Before Death ~Variation" (off the Ghost Trick ost) playing as I was reading it, but there is never enough DavexJade, and never enough Knight of Time heroism. Great work.

Untitled (earthbound-based Sburb fic) by GPP:
-"Not really the most original idea ever"? Ouch, man. Very ouch. Anyway, I like what I see here. Please, sir, can I have some more?

Trial by Void Chapter 4 by KarneWarrior:
-A short chapter, but composed of solid heartwarmingness. I dunno, do you want me to keep commenting on this story? I'm thinking it of filing it under "You know it's gonna be good" right next to Indystuck.

{I can't really criticise Eco-Mono's Parable of the Meddlesome Maiden because I'm useless when it comes to poetry.}

Mr Bowdler, There's Something Wrong With Your Edit by Wigmund:
-MY EYES, THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING

Fools Rush In by Wigmund:
-...Oh. Okay then. Poor Eridan. It's hard and nobody understands.

Tea or Death by MayorSillyBiscuits:
-Umm. Well. Uh. It's not at all what I expected from your Author's notes. It's well-written, at least. Just... not my kind of story.

First Loss by Blox:
-That poor can! How can AR be so cruel? Heartless bastard. I can't figure out where this fits into the story (if it is supposed to) but I like WV's dedication to his beloved Cantown. Great job with his personality!

I realized that the thread was kind of developing faster than I was commenting so I decided to do an extra page today. Surprise surprise, it literally doubled the number of fics I had to read! Damn you people, being so industrious.

[egregiousBass]

So that's why the Menshevik revolution failed; Kerensky was too busy commenting on every fanfic.

Kerensky drops 287 gold and 1 Jaw.

lololol

Untitled (Itty-bitty strider fic) by StarKirby:
-Aww, widdle Dave has a fever or heatstroke or something. I like fics where Bro pretends to be all neglectful and then drops the act the moment Dave needs any help. Real Brother Relationship, hurray.

I actually went back to read this thanks to you. Kerensky is credit to team.

[Tezrial]

Um, guys. Do you mind taking the Phoenix Wright discussion to its own thread/PMs? You're stealing the show a bit from the MSPA fics, and with all these unmarked spoilers to a series I haven't finished yet (Only on T&T, but it's cool to know how Godot ends up even though I just met him and haven't had him develop as a character yet I suppose.), I'll probably be avoiding the thread for awhile to avoid spoiling it any further.

[-Benedict]

Nah, it's fine. I mean, an AU or RP would fit it better, but we've had plenty of ridiculous crossover discussions in this thread.

Also I need to get back to writing- I've been playing too much TF2 on Sepulchritude! since I got it. HEAVY SPITS ON PUNY FAN FICTION THREAD!

[Metaflare]

Hey guess what SOMETHING I DONT SUCK AT

Courtstuck-6

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Open Pesterlog

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--burgerSpirits [BS] began pestering aceDetective [AD] --
BS: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
AD: maya youre okay! :'D
BS: gumsoe what have you been doing in that game???
AD: oh man this thing is awesome pal!
AD: even though all ive done is place a nuch of things in a house that looks errilly similar to yours and a mini you is scampering around
BS: please be careful with what you do because everything you see is REAL
BS: that is my house
BS: that is me
BS: AND THAT WAS MY TOILET >:|
BS: also try not to be so loud pearly is asleep
AD: but its the middle of the day pal
BS: *shrug*
BS: she likes her naps
BS: anyways i have no idea what to do next
AD: oh
AD: turn the weel thingie on the alchething
BS: i have to go near that thing again??
AD: just try it pal!
AD: you may get a prize :D
AD: oh hey i see you running around again
AD: whoops forgot to place one last item
BS: okay im b
BS: gumshoe why is there a card on top of my head
AD: well i tried to put it where youd see it
AD: but you moved :V
BS: huh its got a picture on it
AD: yeah but i couldnt recognise it :\
BS: its a magatama
AD: a what?
BS: spirit mediums wear them around their necks
AD: ...oooohhhh
AD: thats what that was
AD: i always thought you feys just had weird taste in neckwear :B
BS: gee thanks
AD: sure thing pal! :D
BS: anyways what am i supposed to do with this
BS: and the cylinder of...purple i got from the thingie
AD: i dunno :\
BS: wait i got it!
BS: brb
AD: oh hey did you know that machine with the tube in it has a timer on it?
AD: has 20 secs left
AD: oh man im so bad at timed games
AD: i always want to explore everything but timers wont let me do that
AD: whatre you doing anyways?

0:15
You place the strange stone and the card in their respective slots on the totem lathe

0:13
You run over to the alchemizer (thankfully gumshoe was smart enough to leave everything close together) and place the carved totem on the small platform.

0:11
A humanoid shape made of the same substance as the totem appears on the platform, and a purple magatama drops from its neck. The humanoid vanishes soon after.

0:05
You've tried everything. Throwing it, shaking it, even biting it. But nothing happens.

0:04
And then the obvious solution enters your mind.

0:03
You pick up the magatama off the floor,

0:02
Cup it between your hands

0:01
And charge it with as much spiritual energy as you can muster.

0:00
With that, a meteor struck, and the Fey Manor was no longer of this planet.

Open Pesterlog

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AD: maya?!
AD: MAYA!?!?!?
AD: MAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[egregiousBass]

Okay, so, here's a short-ish Strider fic. It's my alternative to Sionnan's series. Contains egregious amounts of Stockholm Syndrome.

Unforgiven

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It was worth it. Dave had always known that it would be. Spending four months in solitude, becoming a doomed clone, getting prototyped, suddenly it all came together.

ive waited too long for this

Dave had never seen Bro even once when he'd been mucking away in a doomed timeline with only a voraciously laughing puppet ghost for company. He'd began to doubt, nearly lapsing into apathy. If he had, then their last moment together would've been a completely pointless rooftop beatdown. A run of the mill display of affection by Strider standards. But Dave wanted more.

you owe me this motherfucker

It was more than he'd ever dreamt of. When the slayer had transformed just moments ago, he'd feared that it was all in vain. But Bro needed it as much as he did. The demon didn't strike. It was all too amusing.

Every muscle of Bro's body betrayed the emotions Dave had guessed long ago but never dared to consider. He had never felt so happy in his life. It was all so overwhelming it made him forget his own thoughts.

ive never wanted you RUINED MY LIFE

The two pairs of shades didn't obscure the searing hatred accumulated and surpressed over the course of thirteen years. It was something Bro could never afford, but this Dave was expendable, a clone. A simple cathartic elbow drop or a good old stairway fling wouldn't have done it justice.

A single tear of happiness escaped Dave as his brother's strong arms constricted his throat. Though it made him sad that Alpha Dave would never have this moment. Oh well. That Dave hadn't earned it like he had.

It hurt so much. But it was only pain. With suffocation drawing nearer, he lost the capacity to think. He could only forgive.

[Nexev]

Hey guess what SOMETHING I DONT SUCK AT

Courtstuck-6

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Open Pesterlog

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--burgerSpirits [BS] began pestering aceDetective [AD] --
BS: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A maya youre okay! :'D
BS: gumsoe what have you been doing in that game???
A oh man this thing is awesome pal!
A even though all ive done is place a nuch of things in a house that looks errilly similar to yours and a mini you is scampering around
BS: please be careful with what you do because everything you see is REAL
BS: that is my house
BS: that is me
BS: AND THAT WAS MY TOILET >:|
BS: also try not to be so loud pearly is asleep
A but its the middle of the day pal
BS: *shrug*
BS: she likes her naps
BS: anyways i have no idea what to do next
A oh
A turn the weel thingie on the alchething
BS: i have to go near that thing again??
A just try it pal!
A you may get a prize
A oh hey i see you running around again
A whoops forgot to place one last item
BS: okay im b
BS: gumshoe why is there a card on top of my head
A well i tried to put it where youd see it
A but you moved :V
BS: huh its got a picture on it
A yeah but i couldnt recognise it :\
BS: its a magatama
A a what?
BS: spirit mediums wear them around their necks
A ...oooohhhh
A thats what that was
A i always thought you feys just had weird taste in neckwear :B
BS: gee thanks
A sure thing pal!
BS: anyways what am i supposed to do with this
BS: and the cylinder of...purple i got from the thingie
A i dunno :\
BS: wait i got it!
BS: brb
A oh hey did you know that machine with the tube in it has a timer on it?
A has 20 secs left
A oh man im so bad at timed games
A i always want to explore everything but timers wont let me do that
A whatre you doing anyways?

0:15
You place the strange stone and the card in their respective slots on the totem lathe

0:13
You run over to the alchemizer (thankfully gumshoe was smart enough to leave everything close together) and place the carved totem on the small platform.

0:11
A humanoid shape made of the same substance as the totem appears on the platform, and a purple magatama drops from its neck. The humanoid vanishes soon after.

0:05
You've tried everything. Throwing it, shaking it, even biting it. But nothing happens.

0:04
And then the obvious solution enters your mind.

0:03
You pick up the magatama off the floor,

0:02
Cup it between your hands

0:01
And charge it with as much spiritual energy as you can muster.

0:00
With that, a meteor struck, and the Fey Manor was no longer of this planet.

Open Pesterlog

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A maya?!
A MAYA!?!?!?
A MAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulEisLcFEl4

In other news, awesome fic and stuff.

Gumshoe is awesome.

[Sionnan]

Okay, so, here's a short-ish Strider fic. It's my alternative to Sionnan's series. Contains egregious amounts of Stockholm Syndrome.

Unforgiven

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hide spoiler

It was worth it. Dave had always know that it would be. Spending four months in solitude, becoming a doomed clone, getting prototyped, suddenly it all came together.

ive waited too long for this

Bro never came when Dave had been mucking away a doomed timeline with only a voraciously laughing puppet ghost for company. He'd began to doubt, nearly lapsing into apathy. If he had, then their last moment together would've been a completely pointless rooftop beatdown. A run of the mill display of affection by Strider standards. But Dave had wanted more.

you owe me this motherfucker

It was more than he'd ever dreamt of. When the slayer had transformed just moments ago, he'd feared that it was all in vain. But Bro needed it as much as he did. The demon didn't strike. It was all too amusing.

Every muscle of Bro's body betrayed the emotions Dave had guessed long ago but never dared to consider. He had never felt so happy in his life. It was all so overwhelming it made him forget his own thoughts.

ive never wanted you RUINED MY LIFE

The two pairs of shades didn't obscure the searing hatred accumulated and surpressed over the course of thirteen years. It was something Bro could never afford, but this Dave was expendable, a clone. A simple cathartic elbow drop or a good old stairway fling wouldn't have done it justice.

A single tear of happiness escaped Dave as his brother's strong arms constricted his throat. Though it made him sad that Alpha Dave would never have this moment. Oh well. That Dave hadn't earned it like he had.

It hurt so much. But it was only pain. With suffocation drawing nearer, he lost the capacity to think. He could only forgive.

This was incredibly creepy. And not in the normal creepyfic way, more like in the way when you see this kind of stuff irl. That said, I think that if you plan to do more of these, giving them a little more space to expand would really make things interesting.

[sarasvati]

by the way they dance

YES! YES!

This contains none of the things that make me Anti-ship this pairing. I think this is the first (subjectively) realistic take I've read on their chemistry. So it's not like that Kate Beaton comic.

Dubious self-promotion notwithstanding, would you mind looking at this thing I wrote a while ago? It has the same formula of everything's chill -> sudden upsetness -> reconciliation so I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. If you don't mind P:

thank you! i could write a dissertation about dave and jade's dynamic but it would be a.) creepy and b.) well yeah pretty much just creepy. suffice to say i've never been a fan of "emotionally mangled boy has perfect relationship with incredibly lifelike, energetic doll"; what i love so much about the two together is that it is so fairy tale, but then proceeds to deconstruct it and display exactly what would happen to a fairy tale if two real people got involved. (and hell, they're teenagers. there are going to be misunderstandings and hurt feelings all around. they are going to be retarded. it is inevitable.)

re: your fic: i remember reading this and having a few nitpicks but i am kind of terrible and tend not to say much in this thread anymore, especially if i'm just going to bust through the wall like the kool-aid man all OOOHHHHH YEAHHHHH who wants unsolicited criticism. anyway here are my thoughts:

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1.) i like the basic idea here: jade absolutely would be all about adopting green!dave (and absolutely would be all about having her cake and eating it too) without a real, solid understanding of the dynamics involved.

2.) the characters feel a little sour. while i love seeing john and jade lock horns for once (which is something i imagine could happening quite a bit, especially as they settle into their sibling roles; john and jade are both very binary people, and the second a disagreement comes up, getting them to see eye to eye would be difficult) i feel like this particular scenario wouldn't actually go down this way. HERE IS A SUBLIST:

a.) john is a very straightforward kind of guy. (unless he himself is feeling hurt, in which case it goes right into the bottle and then he deflects with humor!) if john's real concern about bringing green!dave into the egbert household is that green!dave should stay with the lalonde brood (? i think? this wasn't actually entirely clear!), that's the concern he would bring up immediately. i don't feel like he would dance around the issue by offering up excuses like "he's not a blood relative" or "i don't want to add random people to the family." those excuses seem particularly cruel and very out of character for john, who i feel would pretty much adopt anyone who wasn't an unrepentant serial killer.

b.) i also think that john would probably have had a longer, better conversation with rose! rose is the group therapist, and plays an amazing sounding board for john. john dropping in and saying "i don't want to talk to you right now but i'm going to use you to settle things with dave, jade, and myself" seems off. again, john is a straightforward guy! if rose asks him what's wrong, i honestly think he would tell her. that's the john-rose dynamic: john presents rose with information that doesn't make sense to him, rose organizes it in a way that does, and then john uses this newfound knowledge to solve the problem himself. by removing rose as the person who organizes john's thoughts and puts them in perspective, you basically cut her character off at the legs and remove any real reason for her to be in your fic except as a plot device.

c.) jade! oh jade. beyond the cluelessness (which i will get around to), your jade seems particularly capricious and egocentric. she does have those qualities in small doses, but on the whole, i think she moves a little slower with a little more consideration than the way you've written her. remember: her classical element is earth, which is woven into her character in a very particular way. she is far more grounded and practical than anyone would initially believe. a few points on her character (IS THIS A SUB-SUB-LIST? HOLY SHIT, ME):

i.) on the surface, jade has spent her entire life "doing what she wants." this does lend itself to her more capricious and egocentric qualities--no curfews or bedtimes, no school, no chores. you see this in the way that she makes her way out to the frog temple even though bec wants her to keep her ass put. jade does what she wants, when she wants. at the same time, she has been restricted and controlled her entire life. she spent her first thirteen years parsing all the information she saw in the clouds and pieced together a very meticulous web of Things That Must Happen, which she adhered to religiously. she is incredibly capable at systems (and would have to be, to keep all of that in order; it fits with her interests of physics and gadgets as well). jade is not some girl who wanders through the world doing what she wants, bumping into people, and wondering how it happened. she is intimately acquainted with the nature of cause and effect, and specifically how her actions have consequences on the people and the world around her.

ii.) building on the last point: while jade can give off the air of cluelessness, it's really more a matter of inexperience rather than outright ignorance. jade compensates for lack of experience admirably by applying her expertise with systems to people. and it works! people very much resemble systems. read her canon pesterlogs, especially the early ones, and watch how fucking masterfully she plays rose. rose is a psychological beast who can see gambits and tricks from a mile away--and she fell for jade's ploy hook, line, and sinker. that could not have possibly been done by a girl who doesn't know her friends inside and out. she knows karkat even less, and the second she blew her top, she went straight for the throat and didn't let go. her insight into people is tremendous.

d.) again, jade's classical element is earth, and you see it in the way she handles her anger. she contains it. she controls it. she swallows it down until she explodes, and she has an incredibly high threshold for it. this is not some whimsical, magical girl who gets carried off wherever her emotions might take her; every conflict, every explosion, is the sum of everything that's come before it. we saw it in the comic, where it took the married efforts of jade losing everything she's ever known and the relentless pestering by feferi and karkat before she went apoplectic. in light of this, the way jade handled this particular conflict--the short, and not even particularly violent escalation ending with the blocking of john--feels incredibly out of character. there would've needed to be more escalation, and i think it would take something major before she ever blocks a friend.

e.) building on point ii: jade knows her friends! she can read dave like an open, vaguely cranky, emotionally vulnerable book. she point-blank tells him that he doesn't even believe he's too cool to play in the snow. jade knows everything about dave is a front, and while she supports that front, she isn't even remotely fooled by it. while i can understand her not knowing how wanting green!dave to be her brother might unsettle dave deeply (because if there's anything about people she doesn't get, it's going to be social systems like family, relationships, boundaries, etc, all the things you learn by growing up in civilization), i don't think she would remain blatantly ignorant after red flag questions from dave like "does john still think i'm cool".

f.) that was a WHOLE LOT OF WORDS to basically say this: i think john would've been more straightforward, and jade would've taken longer to explode.

3.) things are incredibly...fuzzy in this pesterlog. green!dave is there, alone; that much we know. what else is happening that is causing the contention? there is a tiny brush of an implication that green!dave is going with the lalondes, but that itself isn't presented solidly enough to give it any kind of weight. and after that, there's...no real mention of it! the fic suddenly veers from green!dave to "dave feels lonely and replaced." green!dave therefore becomes nothing but a plot device to sledgehammer in that dave is indeed feeling lonely and replaced, because he's totally forgotten by the end. that cheapens both of the issues; they could be woven together and supporting each other, but instead they're jutting out awkwardly, one getting decapitated suddenly and the other picking up where it left off.

words words words. hope that was useful.

[Nexev]

Vriska is John's patron troll. He totally WOULD adopt a unrepentant serial killer considering he is more or less DATING one right now.

I just find that a funny tidbit.

[sarasvati]

i don't think talking a few times could really be considered dating??? call me crazy but that's def not how it works in the real world at least.

john would adopt a serial killer but they would have to be really, incredibly sorry about it and promise to never do it again.

[Nexev]

In the memo John did state that he would have liked to have taken Vriska to Dave's hypothetical date evn though he was unsure about if he really loved her or just likes her.

But that is close enough.

[Altum]

Denizens cont'd

Part 1

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CRABSPRITE: WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, SHITHEAD??
KARKAT: WHERE DO YOU THINK, I HAVE TO BAIL OUT ONE OF MY ASSHOLE FRIENDS AGAIN
KARKAT: WHAT ARE ALL THESE GODDAMN TURTLES DOING IN HERE?
CRABSPRITE: THEY'RE TAKING SHELTER OBVIOUSLY
CRABSPRITE: THE DENIZENS ARE WAKING
KARKAT: I KNOW, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO GO
CRABSPRITE: NO, IT'S WHY WE HAVE TO STAY
CRABSPRITE: YOU'RE THE KNIGHT OF BLOOD
CRABSPRITE: THE BLOOD-DIMMED TIDE IS LOOSED
CRABSPRITE: THE CENTER WILL NOT HOLD
CRABSPRITE: YOU HAVE TO BE HERE WHEN THE CANCER AT THE HEART OF YOUR WORLD COMES HERE
CRABSPRITE: IT'S YOUR DESTINY, DUMBASS
KARKAT: LOOK SHOVE IT, I'LL BE BACK
KARKAT: AND I WILL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF WHATEVER KIND OF RETARDED THING THIS HELLHOLE HAS IN STORE
KARKAT: THIS IS A FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD
KARKAT: JUST HOLD DOWN THE FORT
CRABSPRITE: IT IS COMING
KARKAT: WOW HAHA ALL THE YEARS I WISHED YOU COULD SPOUT VAGUE OMINOUS DUMBASSERY AND NOW MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE AT LAST, IF ONLY I HAD MORE TIME TO STAND AROUND AND SOAK UP THE HORSESHIT
CRABSPRITE: JUST HURRY FUCKFACE
KARKAT: I WILL, JEGUS, GET OFF MY BULGE
CRABSPRITE: DON'T DIE NUMB NUBS
KARKAT: FUCK YOU YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO D:B
KARKAT: STUPID OLD CRAB
KARKAT: OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT THE CONSORTS ARE STARING

AT: kANAYA, uHH
AT: wAIT
GA: Tavros Im Glad To See You Are Awake
GA: Finally
GA: Unfortunately It Has Come A Little Late And I Need To Be About Your Business
GA: Looking After Your Client
AT: i KNOW
AT: i, uHH, sAW IT
AT: iN A CLOUD
AT: i SAW A LOT OF THINGS
GA: How Nice For You
GA: I Myself Haven't Slept In Some Time
GA: Breeding All These Fucking Frogs
GA: And So On
TA: uHHH
TA: yEAH
TA: sO
TA: pLEASE STAY IN YOUR WORLD AND I WILL COME TO YOU
TA: wITH MY ROCKETCHAIR
TA: i'M, uHH, aLREADY ON MY WAY
TA: aND YOU NEED TO ALCHEMIZE SOMETHING
GA: You Saw This
TA: yES
TA: wELL, uHH, nO
TA: i SAW YOU MAKE IT
TA: nOT WHAT IT IS
TA: i THINK ITS A WEAPON
GA: I See
TA: jUST, uHH, cOMBINE THIS CODE WITH YOUR WEAPON
]TA: !ROYGBIV
GA: ...
GA: This Is An Absolutely Preposterous Amount Of Grist
TA: wELL
TA: uHH
TA: iF WE WIN, WE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF GRIST
TA: aND IF NOT
GA: Yes I See
GA: Please Hurry, In Any Case
TA: i AM
TA: uHHH
TA: iS, hE MAD?
TA: kARKAT
GA: I Dont Understand The Question
TA: uHH
GA: You Seem To Be Implying That There Exists Some Possible Course Of Events Wherein Our Leader Is Not Infuriated
TA: hAHA
GA: But To Answer Your Question
GA: I Believe He Is Operating Near The Theoretical Upper Limit Of His Fury Matrix
GA: If Such A Limit Exists
GA: Which I Doubt
TA: oH }:/

> Karkat: Own at this game

He hacks and slashes his way through the acrobats, the sparkling females in the feathers and tights with the razor-blade smiles; lops the head off the bearded lady, punts the tiny man, cuts the tall one off at the knees, and then the elephants come at him. It's actually not that hard after all the 12x-prototyped imps and ogres and basilisks. He gets trampled a little, but he shoves the musclebeast off his chest and rolls to his feet, bringing back the sickle, when something cracks and his whole arm goes numb. He's ripped off his feet and rolled through the sawdust, the panicked clowns honking and milling about miserably on the edges of the three rings.

The ringmaster has come.

He's kicked by the thigh-high boots, booted around the big top and lashed silly, the big man in the top hat roaring abuse at him with every crack of the black inches of his whip. A tiger lands on his head, worries him a little, throws him to the gorilla, who pins him down.


RINGMASTER: You! You are not the Bard!
KNIGHT: NOPE
KNIGHT: I'M THE KNIGHT OF BLOOD
KNIGHT: NICE TO MEET YOU FUCKASS

The Ringmaster slaps him across the face; he's not as big as Karkat expected, but the power in his arm is incredible. Karkat blinks in the murk of the Big Top, lit by torches shining off the piles of grist that are heaped everywhere and tile everything; he realizes with queasy horror that the performers he decimated are still alive, staggering about, putting themselves back together. The bearded lady and the strongman trade heads, replacing her beard with a magnificent moustache.

The piggy eyes of the Ringmaster glare at him from the shade of the top hat.

RINGMASTER: You ruined everything!!!
RINGMASTER: I come forth only for the Bard!
RINGMASTER: I am the living face of all his sins!
RINGMASTER: His rage! His pride! His ego! His lust for power!
KNIGHT: UHHHH

From high above the highwire, the seventh gate lights up, and a distant roar and an approaching honk are heard, and the strangest battlecry in the history of paradox space.

BARD: wHaT iT iS, bItChTiTs!
KNIGHT: OH GOD
RINGMASTER: Load this one into the cannon! He comes!!

The Scar of Bacchus unfurls his whip.

[Tybian Sothoth]

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The Survivor by Tybian Sothoth:
-First things first: "your" is possessive, as in "this is your story." "You're" is a contraction of "you" and "are". Second things second: Doc Scratch's white text was intended to be annoying as part of the whole "joke's on you, the reader" thing in MSPA. That doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong to include white text, but to be honest in a serious story like this, it just seems out-of-place (in my humble opinion). I'd recommend separating dialog into chatlogs as you see elsewhere in the thread at bare minimum, simply because that way there's some indication of where Scratch starts speaking.
-As for the story itself, I'll reserve judgment for later chapters, but a story of an observer with insight into each troll's personality seems like a fun idea.


The Survivor Chapter 2 by Tybian Sothoth:
-I feel kind of bad about my earlier... negative-ish review. I guess the your/you're thing was a one-time issue - I was just a little bugged by having to highlight everything. This time I just used Ctrl+A. The story's coming along, and it looks like next chapter's gonna have some interaction with the other trolls, which I'm looking forward to.

Thank you for the input, think I'll go back and re-edit some of the things around.

I felt the Doc Scratch white text thing was natural, but I can always put a humorous spin on it to mix it up.

It's a work in progress, and I really enjoy writing and brainstorming scenarios in my downtime. The constructive criticism is mucho appreciato.

}:)

edit: Went back and noticed I didn't start centering Action text until chapter 5. Editted out some of Scratch single lines of text and reformed them into further action text, to keep the use of Spoiler tags to a classy minimum. Haven't found a good point to transition his text from white to another color, but when I get the chance I'll do so.

[penguinbound]

So, here's the second part of 12, I hope you like it!

Capricorn

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He had to deal with bullies a lot, but, that was okay. It didn’t really bother him much, which could be said about most things. He was a pretty hard guy to bother, and only a few things could tick him off, and those few things were unknown to everyone but him. He didn’t know why he was so cool with everything, if you asked him he’d probably just respond with a shrug and a smile. But, just because he was an easy going guy didn’t mean he had friends. That was farther from the truth, because it seemed everyone avoided him like the plague, calling him a freak, saying some pretty nasty stuff. But, again, he was cool with it.

In school, he generally was inattentive, and would spend most of the time watching the world from the school window. He consistently got bad grades in school, attention deficit disorder was tossed around. His brother was at his wits end trying to help him. There were threats of him having to stay in the same grade again next year, threats of him having to be moved to a school for troubled kids. He was pretty cool with these developments. He just sat back and drank his favorite soda, as the days whittled down. One day, after school, he found some of his soda on his brother’s computer desk. He sat down, and messed around for a bit, deciding the internet was a pretty cool place. He could be accepted here. Of course, if he wasn’t, that would be okay. It’s not like the world would end. So, he found a few ways to talk to people, random chatting web sites and forums. But none of them held his attention long enough.

Pesterchum was different. He didn’t know what the deal was with this, but it was just about the coolest thing he had found. Signing up was easy, he already had a perfect name in mind, fatallyErratic, so he quickly typed that in, and adjusted to the ropes of the program. Once he was quite comfortable with it, he sat, and waited. He knew someone would come and talk to him, it would just be a matter of waiting, which was something he was good at. So, when someone did contact him, he wasn’t surprised. Life was just funny, like that. Soon, he and cancerBiologist had formed a strong friendship, at least, they had formed a strong internet friendship. He was fine with that.

At some point, he had even more friends, maybe a few months later from when he started. He hadn’t really kept track. That was when SBURB came out. The game was pretty much the coolest thing he could ever hope for. Some big multiplayer game he and his new friends could play altogether at once? Possibly the best thing. So, that was the main focus of his conversations with his friends. He knew they were probably getting annoyed by his constant ramblings of the game, but he was going to make this happen. So, when he heard his friends had ordered the beta of the game, like him, he was pretty happy with himself. Of course, he was always happy with himself, but this was a better feeling.

So, of course, that’s when the trolling started. It had started with him, not like he cared all too much. His friends started complaining of the trolls, but they all blocked them, and moved on. Except for him. He had decided that they were probably cool enough people to keep around. They, however, did not contact him for a while. So, when the game started, and they contacted him first, he thought he was surprised.

But, really? He wasn’t.
- - -
He hadn’t fancied himself a singer, but, he was always open to try new things. He didn’t really have any musical instruments around, except for one or two things in his brother’s room, but, he didn’t know where those were. So, when he learned he was the Bard of Hope, he tried to be surprised. But he wasn’t. He was pretty much ready for anything, now. His friends were all tired, but they really didn’t have time for a break. They had a fight to get to, a fight to win, a game to end. But they rested for a minute, hoping that minute was not one they really needed. A few of the others were dealing with the trolls. But he was busy spinning a decent song in his head.

So, when he began singing, the others stopped what they were doing. They hadn’t expected him to be so good at it, and soon it seemed as if they were entranced, slightly swaying as the song continued, and, all at once, it seemed as if everyone was reinvigorated, ready to fight once more. He continued singing, as everyone gathered their things, ended the conversations they had started, and then, they started forth, and he still sung, his voice unwavering, as the Black King fought with incredible strength, constantly knocking everyone down.

But he was there to keep everyone's spirits up, and, despite all the pain he had experienced, the terrible force with which he had been hit with, he still sung strong. He had to do this for everyone, they had to succeed. When they had defeated the Black King, he was, well, surprised. They had claimed a victory and, he had thought he was going to be no use at all.

But, he really should’ve been expecting anything.

[egregiousBass]

This was incredibly creepy. And not in the normal creepyfic way, more like in the way when you see this kind of stuff irl.

I am very pleased that I was able to strike that cord 8D

But as much as I'm fascinated by Stockholm Syndrome, I wouldn't be able to make a series out of this. Maybe I'll try Karkat and Jack Noir instead.

edit: Wow, I only just noticed that wall of criticism. Going in...

[Sionnan]

I remembered why I started writing Striderfic to begin with: I liked trying to figure out what life would have been like for a pair of siblings living together, and how they would have handled the kind of power differentials that arise between siblings with such an age and responsibility gap. Things would be different than for a parent-child relationship.

So with that in mind, more Striderfic! I have a few ideas for these things, so I might have few more to post up at some point.

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Bro slid two of the gooey pan pizzas onto a paper plate. It sagged under the combined weight, one edge crumpling under the flabby food item. He knew he would probably end up eating about half of what he'd put on Dave's plate; Christ, even one whole pizza was stretching it. But he'd been looking kinda gaunt, so he'd been trying to graduate the kid to larger portion sizes. He wondered if it was just in the kid's contrary nature that he seemed to be eating less and less. That he was unhealthy was a load of happy horseshit, since he was pretty much off the walls until he zonked out on the couch in front of some crappy B grade horror flick. He would never really get why the growls of the undead were like lullabi-

A tug on his elbow, which was currently employed in a vigorous sawing motion while he tried to cut one of the pizzas in half with a plastic butter knife. He looked down, to the round little face that wore a magnificent scowl and queried, "Sup?"

"Leave it!" Kid was getting big for his britches. Which was good, ain't no one gonna fuck with this little Strider, regardless of his amount of verticality or years. He seemed to know when to back off from the mouthiness; or maybe he could read when he was starting to push it from Bro. It didn't matter.

Bro glanced back down to the steaming cheese and dough monstrosities. "Ffff. A kid your size can't eat all this. Patently impossible."

Dave scowled. "Bullshit."

Bro laughed as he turned down the heat on the beans on the stove, smelling it start to burn a little. "Where'd you pick up that kinda trash talk, little man?"

"You!"

Bro's eyebrows rose above the sharp angles of his glasses as he turned back to the pizzas, a few more melting in the microwave. "Whoops. Well, just don't go repeatin' it back at kiddie fun land, a'ight?" He arched one mock stern eyebrow at Dave, who gave a half smirk that was way too old for his age.

"Or what?"

"Or Imma keep you tied up on the roof with Cal every night for a week until supper. Dig it?"

Despite some of his more grown up tics, Dave was still just as impulsive and as transparent as most young kids. His mouth popped open in a little "o", big eyes scanning Bro's face for any signs pf deceit. "Nu uh," he finally tested, voice a little quavery with uncertainty.

Oh man, this was too easy. He put the spoon he'd been using to stir the beans, ignoring the hiss as the bean juice making contact with the hot stove top started to sizzle. He stooped to Dave's height, plating his hands on his knees, giving Dave the hairy eyeball. "Try me."

A few seconds as Dave held out against the threat of forced puppet bonding, staring his brother right back in his narrowed eyes. Finally, he grouched, "Okay."

Bro grinned, and straightened. He pulled the plate laden with mutant Italian food, and passed it into his brother's outstretched hands. "Go eat. And don't burn yourself!" he called after the retreating back.

[Nexev]

Awesome fic is awesome.

[Katrika]

Awesome, Sionnan.

And Bass, that creeped me the fuck out. Magnificent.

[egregiousBass]

re: your fic

*insert Kanaya reaction image that I can't fetch atm because the site is slow*

Thank you for writing all of that! I admit that I've never given Jade and John much thought and just took them to justify the setup. Your insights have gotten me interested in exploring these characters properly.

Also you made me imagine a book decapitating another with a sword and putting its metaphysical head onto its own.

@Katrika: It was my pleasure

[Tybian Sothoth]

http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4515717
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4517215
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4521451
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4525474
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4526712
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4526848
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4531039
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4532950
http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post4535661

The Survivor
Chapter 10

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Tybian: Troll this unsuspecting asshole

No...You have a better idea.

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-- foreverParadox [FP] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

FP: YOU /OOK //KE YOU COU/D USE SOME HE/P!!!
CT: D --> No, I'm perfectly capable on my own.
CT: D --> Though speaking to you is pretty bothersome to my concentration.
CT: D --> What do you want.
FP: / WANT TO HE/P YOU!!!
FP: / TH/NK YOU AND / COU/D MAKE A PRETTY GOOD TEAM!!!
CT: D --> I'm not interested in being being helped.
CT: D --> I have my own plans.
FP: WHAT!!!
FP: BU//SH/T!!!
FP: / DEMAND YOU /ET ME FUCK/NG HE/P YOU!!!
CT: D --> What?
CT: D --> Is that
CT: D --> An order?
FP: UHH!!!
FP: OH YEAH!!!
FP: YES /T'S A FUCK/NG ORDER!!!
FP: YOU GOT A PROB/EM FO//W/NG THE ORDERS OF AN AMBER B/OOD!!!
CT: D --> Amber b100d...
FP: UHH, HEY CT!!!
FP: YOUR S/NK/NG /NTO THE GROUND!!!
CT: D --> Oh my
FP: WHAT THE F-
FP: ARE YOU SWEAT/NG???
CT: D --> My shirt is absolutely damp
CT: D --> The thought of being ordered around by an Amber b100d
CT: D --> It's
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> I mean
CT: D --> You speak in a manner so disgusting
CT: D --> Yet
FP: DUDE WAKE UP!!!
FP: NO SER/OUS/Y, THERE /S SUGAR UP TO YOUR NECK!!!
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Oh god, imagine the whispers
CT: D --> The scandalous things they would say
FP: /'M COM/NG DOWN THERE!!!
CT: D --> Imagine their eyes
CT: D --> The whispers and the stares among the others
CT: D --> I wouldn't be able to face them
CT: D --> Where are my towels
CT: D --> Wait, why can't I move?
FP: YOU ARE SUCH A FUCK/NG RETARD!!!
FP: HO/D ST///!!!

Tybian: Lift him up!

You life this sad sack of crap out of the pit he sweat himself into. Oh god, the scene is horrible, it would make anyone wretch in absolute disgust.

Tybian: Go somewhere less affected by salty perspiration

You appear atop the TEA KETTLE TOWER

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FP: OK!!!
FP: NOW THAT / HAVE YOUR UND/V/DED ATTENT/ON!!!
FP: YOU AND / HAVE A /OT /N COMMON!!!
FP: OK MAYBE WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH /N COMMON!!!
FP: GOD / CAN PRACT/CA//Y TASTE THE ST/NK!!!
FP: }IO
CT: D --> What do you want
FP: YOU ARE THE MOST CAPAB/E OF THE OTHERS!!!
FP: AT /EAST / REMEMBER YOU BE/NG A /OT MORE CAPAB/E COMPARED TO THEM!!!
FP: SO, / AM GO/NG TO HE/P YOU /N YOUR SESS/ON!!!
FP: AND /N TURN, YOU ARE GO/NG TO HE/P ME F/ND THE OTHERS!!!
CT: D --> I refuse
FP: / FUCK/NG ORDER YOU TO FO//OW MY P/ANS!!!
CT: D --> I see no gain for me.
CT: D --> So my answer, low-b100d, is still no.
FP: HOW WOU/D YOU FEE/ /F / TO/D EVERYONE / JUST SAVED YOUR //FE!!!
FP: THE GREAT B/UE-B/OOD EQU/US SAVED BY A /OW/Y AMBER B/OOD!!!
FP THAT HAS A REA//Y N/CE R/NG TO /T!!!
CT: D --> Oh my god
FP: YES OH MY GOD /NDEED!!!
FP: NOW YOU W// FO//OW MY /EAD!!!
FP: AND YOU W/// //STE- STOP FUCK/NG SWEAT/NG!!!
CT: D --> I apologize
CT: D --> Ok, I will follow your lead
FP: GOOD!!!
FP: MY U/T/MATE P/AN /S TO K/// THEM A// W/TH MY BARE HANDS!!!
FP: AND W/TH YOU HE/P/NG ME, MY P/AN /S ABSO/UTE/Y FOO/PROOF!!!
CT: D --> I doubt that
FP: WHY???
CT: D --> AG has done a thorough job of preparing the others
CT: D --> Should they come across something or someone irregular, like you
CT: D --> She says shes unlocked all the cheats so things like you can't shit on her parade
CT: D --> And to make me incapable of %%ing her on our deal
FP: CHEATS HUH???
FP: /ET HER USE HER CHEATS!!!
FP: THEY WON'T SAVE HER!!!
FP: / MEAN THEM!!!
FP: / MEAN YOU TOO!!!
FP: / MEAN!!!
FP: FUCK!!!
CT: D --> Typical low b100d


-- foreverParadox [FP] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

Tybian: Horizongaze!

Oh look, it appears AC is fighting some monsters too! Wait, where did CT go?