MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[Kerensky287]

I sort of lied! I didn't end up going to bed because I started writing this and didn't stop.

I won't continue this particular story, but I'll do more one-offs under the collective name of...

SBURB FICS THAT NEVER WERE

I: Sburbia Final Fantasy

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OPEN CHATLOG

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oneWinged has begun pestering lionHeart

OW: Good to see you
OW: Cloud
LH: (...Who are you again?)
OW: What's wrong Cloud
OW: Don't you recognize me
LH: I'm not Cloud, by the way.
OW: Really
LH: Really.
OW: ...

oneWinged has left the conversation.

-------

OPEN MEMO

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lionHeart has joined the memo Jerks Are Talking To Us And If You Have Any Information Post It Here!

Current participants:
lionHeart
unboundWindbag
hybridHope
soaringBuccaneer

LH: Hey, has anybody named oneWinged been pestering you guys?
UW: Nope! Not yet!
SB: why, who's he??
LH: Dunno, but he thought I was Cloud for some reason.
UW: I'm not surprised!
UW: You both need to cheer up a bit sometimes!
HH: ...Should we be worried, Squall?
LH: Probably not.
LH: I have no idea how these people have been contacting us, but they certainly don't seem to be any good at it.
SB: maybe some of them are pretty good and you just haven't seen them yet??
UW: Vaan's got a point! But at least they can't do anything to us over chat!
HH: ...Are we sure about that?
LH: Doesn't matter. We can just block them if they become a problem.
LH: We've got more important things to worry about anyway.
LH: Terra, are you in yet?
HH: ...Yes. Thank you for that, by the way, Bartz.
UW: No problem! Hopefully Cecil will pull his weight when my turn comes around!
SB: i can't wait to see what your land's gonna be called, bartz!!
SB: what's your role again??
SB: something of wind??
UW: Mime of Breath, thank you very much!
UW: The master class!
UW: Best class of all!
LH: (Mime, huh? Ironic how you never shut up...)
SB: squall you keep forgetting not to type stuff!!
SB: you have to work on that!!
LH: ...

lionHeart has left the memo.

-----


OPEN CHATLOG

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oneWinged has begun pestering radiantCombatant.

OW: Good to see you
OW: Cloud
RC: I think you're looking for someone else.
OW: ...
OW: Do you have Cloud's username
RC: Why should I give it to you?
OW: Because you are merely a puppet
OW: And I am the god of your existence

radiantCombatant has left the conversation

OW: ...
OW: Was it something I said

-----

OPEN CHATLOG

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celestialStewardess has begun pestering lionHearted.

CS: Squall, this trolling's been getting worse.
LH: Thanks, I noticed.
LH: (Does she think I'm stupid or something?)
CS: Stop that. It's an annoying habit.
LH: Vaan still thinks I'm doing it accidentally.
CS: ...Funny, you seem almost surprised.
LH: ...
LH: So, why'd you contact me again?
CS: Because you're one of maybe four people I can ever stand to talk to in this stupid group.
CS: Cloud's being sullen again, Firion's busy...
CS: And, uhm, keep this quiet between us, but...
CS: I can't remember the Warrior of Light's name.
CS: I don't think he ever actually TOLD me.
CS: It's getting really awkward.
LH: Honestly? I don't know it either.
CS: I want to call him Toby for some reason. But I just know that's not it.
CS: It's something with four letters.
LH: Stay on-topic, please.
CS: Right. So what do we do about those other guys?
LH: I've just been blocking them.
LH: It doesn't seem to stick, but at least it always seems to end that conversation nice and quick.

jovialGodhead has joined the conversation.

JG: I SEE A POOOOSERRRRR!
LH: Go talk to a wall.

jovialGodhead has been blocked!

CS: What timing.
LH: Proves my point well enough.
LH: (I hate that goddamn clown...)
CS: Well, it's a short-term solution, but it works well enough.

unboundWindbag has joined the conversation.

unboundWindbag has converted this conversation into a memo!

unboundWindbag has named the memo Team Gunsword!

UW: Squall! Lightning! What a coincidence!
UW: I was just about to invite you into my new memo, but I see you've jumped in ahead of me!
LH: (Are you serious?)
UW: (Yes, of course I am!)
UW: Now, without further ado!
UW: The first meeting of the Gunsword Club has come to order!
CS: Why do I even put up with you people?
CS: I don't want to be a part of your stupid club.
LH: (Wasn't it a team earlier?)

unboundWindbag has renamed the memo Team Gunsword Club!

UW: (That's better!)
CS: Argh! Why are you even bothering with this?! What's the point?!
CS: We're literally in a life-or-death situation!
CS: In case you didn't notice, our home planets so far have been annihilated, EACH AND EVERY ONE!
UW: Yeah, but we haven't! And in my opinion, that's reason enough to celebrate!
CS: I didn't even want to be part of this stupid game!
CS: I only agreed to shut Vaan up!
CS: Next thing I knew, I got launched into this stupid Land of Glass and Death...
CS: People won't stop calling me the Sylph of Doom...
CS: And if that wasn't enough, not only do I have to deal with being bothered by idiots from another dimension...
CS: I have to deal with USELESS TEAM MEMBERS WHO WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!
CS: Go bug somebody else! I've had it with you people!

celestialStewardess has banned herself from the memo.

LH: ...
UW: Wow, Lightning's a huge bitch sometimes!
UW: Without her, we can't really have Team Gunsword Club, can we!
LH: (...Do I really want to know?)
UW: (Of course you do!)
UW: So I was thinking!
UW: Lightning has a wicked awesome sword that turns into a gun!
UW: You have a sword with a gun built into it!
UW: You should be on a team for people with awesome weapons!
LH: ...And why are you here, then?
UW: Duh! If you guys can use your weapons, so can I!
UW: I'm a mime! I do what you do!
LH: (That's really not how miming works...)
UW: Is too!
UW: Oh hey! Vaan can use guns and swords too!
UW: I gotta invite him!

lionHearted has left the memo.

UW: Spoilsport!

oneWinged has entered the memo.

OW: Good to see you
OW: Cloud
UW: ...Oh noooo! IT CAN'T BE
UW: CAN IT REALLY
OW: That's right Cloud
OW: You weak little puppet
OW: You can never truly be free of me
OW: Sephiroth, your tormentor
UW: NOT SEPHIROTH
UW: YOU SHOULD BE DEAD
OW: A creature like you can't truly kill me
OW: Nothing can stand in my way
OW: Before long
OW: All of existence will belong to no one but me and Mother
UW: pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
OW: ...
UW: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha
UW: Oh man! I had you going there for a while!
UW: I just lost it after the "mother" comment!
UW: Yeah, I'm not Cloud either, try again!
UW: Momma's boy!
OW: ...

unboundWindbag has left the memo.

OW: It's hard, being a villain and causing destruction
OW: It's hard and no one understands

oneWinged has left the memo.

COMMENTS

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This particular idea started off as just the Kefka/Squall lines there. It grew, and grew, and grew too much.

I don't want to assign text colors. Hopefully that doesn't make it too hard to read.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Pathetic Sephiroth is the best Sephiroth I have EVER SEEN. I shall love him, and keep him, and name him Eridan. Eridanroth.

[lucidSeraph]

... FJDSAfjjfjkdsf
oh god best Sephiroth

that was hilarious

LATIN LATIN LATIN LATIN, ERIDANOTH! dananananaNAnananaNAna

[Masterly]

Where's Ramza? He was the best FF hero by far.

[Aerodactylus]

Omigod that was priceless. Sephiroth and Equius need to have a little chat, methinks. And it's good to see Vaan being his good old clueless self. And KEFKA. My god, Kerensky, you have created something beautiful.

[X15lm204]

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also

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-- ultimateBlitzer[UB] began pestering intangibleSkirmisher [IS] --
UB: SON
UB: IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU HAVE FINALLY KILLED THE PLANET FOREVER AND ARE SITTING AROUND CRYING ABOUT IT.
UB: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW A WOMAN.
UB: I AM SO, SO DISAPPOINT.
IS: fuck you SO MUCH jecht

I had to.

[Graven_Image]

Why do I get the feeling that Final Fantasy Everything would make for a very poorly-fated session? Because it shouldn't...

[SkaianRedeemer]

Why do I get the feeling that Final Fantasy Everything would make for a very poorly-fated session? Because it shouldn't...

"No, no, none of you get this... listen, assholes, this infighting over who gets to be the main character is why we normally invite Sora to these fucking... oh, god dammit, Exdeath is here now, too. I can see him from here. Everyone start grinding right now or I'm gonna get Dissidia on all your asses."

EDIT: While we're at it, I support any action that leads to the Black King and Queen having Moogle pom pom antennas bobbing over their heads.

[Graven_Image]

Of course.

A moogle should be at least one prototyping. A moogle should be at least every prototyping.

[Jim Groovester]

Hello, fanfic thread. I'm new, but I've been lurking these forums for a while now and I've read this thread pretty heavily.

I come bearing fics.

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Problem Sleuth looks ahead of him. He spots a green man mingling in the crowd ahead of him. He’s got an orange hat on his head and a pointed nose that looks like it’s disgusted with the way his mouth smells and is trying to get as far away as possible. Sleuth judges the distance, and more importantly, the time. He figures that Fin has a ten minute lead on him, which is more than enough time to concoct a cunning plan.

Fin: Follow Sleuth’s future trail.

You’re already busy doing that. You resist the urge to mess around with Sleuth in the past, since you’ve got strict instructions from Crowbar to just follow him and see where he goes, and you don’t want to let Sleuth know you’re tailing him. From the past.

==>

Sleuth ten minutes from now ducks into a building. As far as you can tell Future Sleuth doesn’t come out of that entrance in the next hour. You pull your gun out, expecting a trap, but you don’t have time to waste. You got to stay ahead of him in the present by sticking to him in the future.

You open the door.

==>

You see Problem Sleuth pointing his gun at nothing in particular and talking to himself for a little while. You wonder what that’s all about as you continue to follow his trail. It loops around a few rooms and ends up back at the front entrance when all of a sudden Future Sleuth punches you right in your snout.

Present Problem Sleuth is waiting for you, right where he was ten minutes in the future ten minutes ago. He says you better not try anything funny or else he’s going to unlock the shit out of you. You know he’s not going to in the next few seconds but you still don’t want to risk the possibility of catching a few bullets later. You put your gun away.

“Do you know what I’m going to do?”

Fin looks ahead in Problem Sleuth’s future trail. “Generally speaking.”

“Then you know that I’m going to fire my gun every minute and that I’m going to leave out the back exit.” Sleuth says. “Whether or not you’ll do the same depends on how cooperative you are.” Sleuth cocks his key.

“You’re not going to do anything. I can see my future trail walking out of here completely unharmed.” Fin bluffs. He can’t see his future trail. Makes life uninteresting.

Sleuth fires his gun at the wall. Fin startles. “Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t. But that’s not something I know. I’m a man of the present and if I feel like shooting you I will no matter what you say about it.”

Fin gulps.

“What’s the Felt want with the Midnight Crew?” Sleuth asks. “I got Spades Slick getting into my business because I’m getting into his and then I got you green clowns trying to mow the both of us down while we’re having a nice sit down chat in his car. So what’s going on?”

“I don’t know anything.” Fin says. “I just tail people for Crowbar.”

Sleuth pulls the sleeve of his trench coat back and looks at his watch. He waits for a few seconds.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Fin asks.

Sleuth points his key at Fin’s arm and fires, grazing the surface. Fin grips his arm and grits his teeth. “Tell me what you know or these bullets are going to start hitting places that’ll really hurt.”

“Alright, alright.” Fin relents. “We don’t got a problem with the Crew. Not directly anyway. We heard you were looking for something, something important, something the Crew wants. And if the Crew wants it, we want it too.”

“That’s incredibly circular. Your gang wars are stupid. You could be looking for the Mobster Kingpin’s secret stash of illicit liquor or the world’s shiniest turd. What’s it to the Felt what you find?” Problem Sleuth doesn’t really know what he’s looking for either. Or at least why it’s important. He’s just trying to retrieve some stolen property for Wealthy Quantifier. Sleuth isn’t getting paid enough for the trouble he’s getting into looking for it and it’s about time he got some answers.

“Mobster Kingpin is dead.”

“And I killed him. If I’d known rats like you and the Midnight Crew were going to take his place I might’ve reconsidered.” Sleuth says. “This ain’t answering my questions.”

“Look, Problem Sleuth, I don’t know what it is.”

Problem Sleuth fires his gun into the wall. “Sure about that? There could be another bullet coming your way in sixty seconds if I think you’re lying.”

“Swear to God I don’t know. All I know is that it’s important, and it’s powerful.” Fin stammers quickly before remembering something. “I overheard it’s some kind of necklace or something. Don’t shoot me, please. I got a wife and kids.” He quickly tacks on.

“That ain’t true at all.”

Fin grins slightly. “It was worth a shot.”

“Necklaces usually aren’t worth starting gang wars over.” Problem Sleuth says. Stacks of necklaces, especially ones with giant diamonds on them, sure. Just one though? Not a chance.

“This one’s special.” Fin says.

Problem Sleuth lowers his gun slightly. It looks like there’s nothing left to learn from Fin about what he’s looking for, or why trouble is following him for it. “How many more times do I have to shoot to fulfill a stable time loop?”

“How about I not tell you and you just do whatever you feel like anyway? That usually works out best in my experience.”

Problem Sleuth points his key towards the entrance to some rooms. “Get a move on it. We’re going on a little trip.” Sleuth says. “And avoid tipping your past self off unless you want to make Stitch work up a sweat fixing up your paradoxes.”

“Alright, alright, not that I care about Stitch anyway.” Fin says, hands up. Problem Sleuth leads Fin through several circuits around various rooms in the building, ending with a precisely timed punch just inside the front entrance. He feels Fin ten minutes in the past reel from the blow, giving his past self the drop on Fin. He points to the back exit with his key and Fin opens the door. Once outside, they part ways.

“And don’t let me catch you following me again or I’ll end your future trail for good.” Problem Sleuth shouts as he walks away.

Fin: Follow Sleuth some more.

No way. You know Problem Sleuth. Not personally but by reputation. If he says he’s going to unlock the shit out of you you can bet he’ll follow through.

You decide the best course of action is to tell Crowbar that Sleuth doesn’t really know anything.

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This was basically brainstorming for an idea for a hardboiled detective story featuring Problem Sleuth. It's a one shot because I don't have all the details planned out and I just wanted to hurry up and write something.

[X15lm204]

Well deserved, truly.

One shot or not, I'd love to see more of this.

[Isoraqathedh]

I am burnt out of HO, really.

Here's HO: NG for all that matters.

[Metaflare]

I sort of lied! I didn't end up going to bed because I started writing this and didn't stop.

I won't continue this particular story, but I'll do more one-offs under the collective name of...

SBURB FICS THAT NEVER WERE

I: Sburbia Final Fantasy

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OPEN CHATLOG

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oneWinged has begun pestering lionHeart

OW: Good to see you
OW: Cloud
LH: (...Who are you again?)
OW: What's wrong Cloud
OW: Don't you recognize me
LH: I'm not Cloud, by the way.
OW: Really
LH: Really.
OW: ...

oneWinged has left the conversation.

-------

OPEN MEMO

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lionHeart has joined the memo Jerks Are Talking To Us And If You Have Any Information Post It Here!

Current participants:
lionHeart
unboundWindbag
hybridHope
soaringBuccaneer

LH: Hey, has anybody named oneWinged been pestering you guys?
UW: Nope! Not yet!
SB: why, who's he??
LH: Dunno, but he thought I was Cloud for some reason.
UW: I'm not surprised!
UW: You both need to cheer up a bit sometimes!
HH: ...Should we be worried, Squall?
LH: Probably not.
LH: I have no idea how these people have been contacting us, but they certainly don't seem to be any good at it.
SB: maybe some of them are pretty good and you just haven't seen them yet??
UW: Vaan's got a point! But at least they can't do anything to us over chat!
HH: ...Are we sure about that?
LH: Doesn't matter. We can just block them if they become a problem.
LH: We've got more important things to worry about anyway.
LH: Terra, are you in yet?
HH: ...Yes. Thank you for that, by the way, Bartz.
UW: No problem! Hopefully Cecil will pull his weight when my turn comes around!
SB: i can't wait to see what your land's gonna be called, bartz!!
SB: what's your role again??
SB: something of wind??
UW: Mime of Breath, thank you very much!
UW: The master class!
UW: Best class of all!
LH: (Mime, huh? Ironic how you never shut up...)
SB: squall you keep forgetting not to type stuff!!
SB: you have to work on that!!
LH: ...

lionHeart has left the memo.

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OPEN CHATLOG

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oneWinged has begun pestering radiantCombatant.

OW: Good to see you
OW: Cloud
RC: I think you're looking for someone else.
OW: ...
OW: Do you have Cloud's username
RC: Why should I give it to you?
OW: Because you are merely a puppet
OW: And I am the god of your existence

radiantCombatant has left the conversation

OW: ...
OW: Was it something I said

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OPEN CHATLOG

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celestialStewardess has begun pestering lionHearted.

CS: Squall, this trolling's been getting worse.
LH: Thanks, I noticed.
LH: (Does she think I'm stupid or something?)
CS: Stop that. It's an annoying habit.
LH: Vaan still thinks I'm doing it accidentally.
CS: ...Funny, you seem almost surprised.
LH: ...
LH: So, why'd you contact me again?
CS: Because you're one of maybe four people I can ever stand to talk to in this stupid group.
CS: Cloud's being sullen again, Firion's busy...
CS: And, uhm, keep this quiet between us, but...
CS: I can't remember the Warrior of Light's name.
CS: I don't think he ever actually TOLD me.
CS: It's getting really awkward.
LH: Honestly? I don't know it either.
CS: I want to call him Toby for some reason. But I just know that's not it.
CS: It's something with four letters.
LH: Stay on-topic, please.
CS: Right. So what do we do about those other guys?
LH: I've just been blocking them.
LH: It doesn't seem to stick, but at least it always seems to end that conversation nice and quick.

jovialGodhead has joined the conversation.

JG: I SEE A POOOOSERRRRR!
LH: Go talk to a wall.

jovialGodhead has been blocked!

CS: What timing.
LH: Proves my point well enough.
LH: (I hate that goddamn clown...)
CS: Well, it's a short-term solution, but it works well enough.

unboundWindbag has joined the conversation.

unboundWindbag has converted this conversation into a memo!

unboundWindbag has named the memo Team Gunsword!

UW: Squall! Lightning! What a coincidence!
UW: I was just about to invite you into my new memo, but I see you've jumped in ahead of me!
LH: (Are you serious?)
UW: (Yes, of course I am!)
UW: Now, without further ado!
UW: The first meeting of the Gunsword Club has come to order!
CS: Why do I even put up with you people?
CS: I don't want to be a part of your stupid club.
LH: (Wasn't it a team earlier?)

unboundWindbag has renamed the memo Team Gunsword Club!

UW: (That's better!)
CS: Argh! Why are you even bothering with this?! What's the point?!
CS: We're literally in a life-or-death situation!
CS: In case you didn't notice, our home planets so far have been annihilated, EACH AND EVERY ONE!
UW: Yeah, but we haven't! And in my opinion, that's reason enough to celebrate!
CS: I didn't even want to be part of this stupid game!
CS: I only agreed to shut Vaan up!
CS: Next thing I knew, I got launched into this stupid Land of Glass and Death...
CS: People won't stop calling me the Sylph of Doom...
CS: And if that wasn't enough, not only do I have to deal with being bothered by idiots from another dimension...
CS: I have to deal with USELESS TEAM MEMBERS WHO WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!
CS: Go bug somebody else! I've had it with you people!

celestialStewardess has banned herself from the memo.

LH: ...
UW: Wow, Lightning's a huge bitch sometimes!
UW: Without her, we can't really have Team Gunsword Club, can we!
LH: (...Do I really want to know?)
UW: (Of course you do!)
UW: So I was thinking!
UW: Lightning has a wicked awesome sword that turns into a gun!
UW: You have a sword with a gun built into it!
UW: You should be on a team for people with awesome weapons!
LH: ...And why are you here, then?
UW: Duh! If you guys can use your weapons, so can I!
UW: I'm a mime! I do what you do!
LH: (That's really not how miming works...)
UW: Is too!
UW: Oh hey! Vaan can use guns and swords too!
UW: I gotta invite him!

lionHearted has left the memo.

UW: Spoilsport!

oneWinged has entered the memo.

OW: Good to see you
OW: Cloud
UW: ...Oh noooo! IT CAN'T BE
UW: CAN IT REALLY
OW: That's right Cloud
OW: You weak little puppet
OW: You can never truly be free of me
OW: Sephiroth, your tormentor
UW: NOT SEPHIROTH
UW: YOU SHOULD BE DEAD
OW: A creature like you can't truly kill me
OW: Nothing can stand in my way
OW: Before long
OW: All of existence will belong to no one but me and Mother
UW: pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
OW: ...
UW: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha
UW: Oh man! I had you going there for a while!
UW: I just lost it after the "mother" comment!
UW: Yeah, I'm not Cloud either, try again!
UW: Momma's boy!
OW: ...

unboundWindbag has left the memo.

OW: It's hard, being a villain and causing destruction
OW: It's hard and no one understands

oneWinged has left the memo.

COMMENTS

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This particular idea started off as just the Kefka/Squall lines there. It grew, and grew, and grew too much.

I don't want to assign text colors. Hopefully that doesn't make it too hard to read.

please keep writing this. i will love you forever

and gilgamesh needs to be in this.

NEEDS

[Graven_Image]

@Jim: You get back here. You get back here and don't stop writing until we tell you.

[SkaianRedeemer]

"Going to unlock him" is perfect Problem Sleuth vernacular. How did no one come up with it at the time? Great read.

[Kerensky287]

please keep writing this. i will love you forever

and gilgamesh needs to be in this.

NEEDS

I'm glad people liked this! I MIGHT do a continuation of the FF Sburb (I had to cut out a bunch of fun ideas I had because I didn't want it to get too unwieldly) but I want to get some other one-shots out of the way first. Next up is tentatively titled "Cowboy of Space", if that's any hint as to the setting.

Review time now.

PAGE 81

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Horn Pile by Rimbaum
+Thank you for giving a voice to my confusion about the whole "crying on the hornpile" thing. If I were to be sad about something I'd rather not go to an uncomfortable pile of things that make a silly noise every time I move.
+Awwww. Adorable. Also, fuck Eridan.

Hope by Embargo
+I have a soft spot for fics that include the characters speaking in a way you could reasonably expect their accents to sound like. I mean, geez, how would you even pronounce two W's next to each other?
+Very in-character for Eridan.
?-He SO DID NOT just walk past Kanaya!

Rainbow's End by lucidSeraph
+ =C
*Next line: "Well, g00d thing I have fucking TIME P0WERS! Dave! Let's D0 THIS SHIT!

Trollcops: Motherly Advice by Wigmund
*I'm waffling between going over every Trollcops fic posted in the general fic thread, and skipping over them. But I've reviewed at least two already, and Wigmund is awesome, so I'm gonna do this one at least.
-Nitpiiick! "Even you're baby sister." Even you are baby sister? d000000d.
+You managed to make me forget, uh, recent updates. I actually didn't know what you were talking about for a whole 5 seconds when I read the ending comment.

h0ll0w by Karijou
+Snap.
*That was my heart, right there.
*Side note, we haven't actually seen alive!Aradia in canon yet, I really hope she's gotten her emotions back. All these fics where she's back to (relatively) normal just kick butt and take names.

Anything by KarneWarrior
=-DAMMIT GUYS why did everybody have to write and post their fics BEFORE ERIDAN LEFT THE ROOM
+And you don't feeeeeeeeeeel....
+A thing.
*Aaaand now I know who I'm replacing Team Pure Pwnage with if I ever restart Hearthcrossed! =D

Partners by zebtrestalala
=-Your name is very hard to write.
+I'd love for "Dead characters meeting Death" to become canon.

PAGE 82

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Yet another fic posted after Fef died but before Kanaya did by draconicAlgorithm
=-Seriously, this is like the billionth in a row.
+This is something that would definitely have made sense to happen, though. I would've loved to have read this shortly after it was posted.

Numb by Tybian Sothoth
*A fic that isn't The Survivor? Mind=blown
+This is actually REALLY well-written.

Khemia tis Nigredo by ludicSeraph
*aka Best Dave Takes The Fore
+brown!Vriska!! Are these Red Dead Virgo trolls? That'd make this officially the best Homestuck Remix in existence.
+"That yellow turtle she left behind is very slowly throwing a fit. "
+There are so many excellent bits here that I'm just going to wrap them under this single plus.
?? Is Dave going to become a Black Knight (only a flesh wound) or a Dark Knight (WHRRRS RRRCHLLL! TRRRL MRR JRRRKRRRRRR!!!!!)

Twelve Little Blackbirds: Child's Play Part 1 by Wigmund
+"Your father is such a silly shit, isn't he? Isn't he?"
+Keep it uuuuuup
*I certainly HOPE you've posted the next chapter by now.

Of Blood by raequiem
+It seems so appropriate that Karkat would smash his hand into the table over and over again until his ARM BREAKS. Just because he's mad.
+Your fics are always great.
=-BUT GODDAMMIT COULD YOU NOT HAVE WAITED LIKE, A DAY TO LET ERIDAN WALK OUT OF THE FUCKING ROOM BEFORE YOU ASSUMED HE WAS FINISHED
*Aaaargh! A billion fics, all canonbanned AT ONCE! It's like infanticide almost!

PAGE 83

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Business as Usual by Graven_Image
+Man, I wish.

A continuation of dA's earlier fic, posted something like an hour before it was disproved by canon by draconicAlgorithm
=-This is you..... o
*
*
=-This is the shark. <==<
*Seriously dude, A FUCKING HOUR.
+As powerful as the image is of the four trolls embarking on a quest for revenge...
*Kanaya's lying on the floor with a hole in her midriff, Sollux is at the bottom of all those stairs with all his teeth knocked out, Terezi still thinks Gamzee's on their side, and Karkat has more angst than a JRPG protagonist.

2sream2 by Sionnan
*DAMMIT SIONNAN NOT YOU TOO
*...Oh, okay. Non-specific. Well-played.
+My 11th grade English teacher once said to me that a good writer can bring someone to tears with a chapter, but a great writer can do the same with a paragraph. Short, concise, to the point.
=+I'm definitely not crying, no milady, not one bit.

Some Kind of Monster by egregiousBass
*I already posted my thoughts on this. Subtle, uncomfortably creepy, but well-written.

Sollux: Wake by Kassiopeia
*KANAYA CANNOT WRAP SOLLUX IN CLEAN CLOTHES
*SHE IS TOO BUSY BEING DEAD
*I've now read enough sadfics about this particular event to last several lifetimes
*It's like an injection of concentrated hornpile right into my aorta
*which is to say, probably not very good for my blood pressure
+Well written, good fic, etc
*But apologies if I seem irritable, I'm trying my VERY BEST to hold back a tide of "NONCANON NONCANON NONCANON AAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Untitled fic by Ganato
*OH COME ON FUCKING SERIOUSLY
*I feel bad for doing this especially because I don't think I've actually read your fics before, but...
**VETO**

No by twinTempo
**VETO**

Romance Eightfold by MayorSillyBiscuits
=+It isn't a fic about Sollux waking up and being sad and blind all over the place while a strangely alive Kanaya consoles him!
+Magic 8-balls are total jerks.
?+...Rose is pimpin' all the troll ladies?
+Hey, Kanaya's dead! Score one for canon.
*Wait... uh...
*Oh. You didn't.
*You fucking DIDN'T.
=-AAAARGH KANAYA'S DEAD BECAUSE YOU MADE HER KILL HERSELF? NOT BECAUSE OF ERIDAN?!
=-AAAAAAAAAARGH
**VETO VETO VETO VETO VETO**
**TOO LATE! I ALREADY READ THE FIC!!**
AAAAAAAA
+?==_+-=/-=?_**+-=/*

That's all I can do for now. Not because my 2 hours are up, but because I broke and I need to fix myself.

[Sionnan]

@Kerensky: I love you, man, and I love your reviews. ♥

[DJ-P0N3]

@Kerensky
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-ahem-
great reviews

[AProcrastinatingWriter]

@NotAPumpkin: Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.

@Skainredeemer: You're...right. This was not my best work by a long shot. I do believe it's not my worst, though. You do not want to see my worst. From my own perspective, I'd call it...mediocre? *shrug*

I promise to do better next time, though. If only by a little bit.

...I'm gonna go on a buzz through the past fanfic threads now, see if anything catches my eye.

[anonymousComrade]

So uh, I made an account so I could post this thing I wrote.

This story takes place in the trolls' session, not long after the recent failed revival attempts. I think I wrote it back when the latest update was WV chugging Barbasol. I wrote it for a certain imageboard's Comics and Cartoons board (hence my name) in response to another post there, where it was pretty much ignored.

But I thought maybe you guys might like it, so here it is. I know there are probably a few things wrong with it (hahahaha a few, I just hope I didn't completely ruin everything), so I want honest feedback. This is not code for "be gentle", if it sucks then it sucks.

Anyway. Enough talking about the story, you can read my comments after it.

If even one person reads and enjoys this, I will have considered writing it to not have been a colossal waste of time.

Knight of Blood

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Karkat froze, if only for an instant, when he heard the soft "shoosh" of someone stepping through the transportalizer. He couldn't show fear, not now, even if he'd never been so fearful in his life. Not to that damned clown. Gamzee would be certain to pick up on it, and it would be all he needed to end Karkat's life.

He gripped the sickle tighter in his right hand, blocked from the intruder's view by his body, facing away from the transportalizer, toward the horn pile which Feferi's body lay atop. Karkat had lost two friends to a madman today; he would not allow any more. He would wait for the perfect moment to strike, then end it with one slash to the subjugglator's throat. It was the perfect plan.

But then, Karkat had never been capable of sticking to the plan when shit hit the fan. For every brave front he tried to show with his typical raging fuckass demeanor, he was quick to panic, and this would be no different. When he heard the quiet "pap" of footsteps approaching him, his hands shook, grasping his weapon tighter still, and when he heard the barely-perceptible honk, terror struck the boy. But this time was different.

Alternians are no different from us Earthlings in that they possess the "fight or flight" instinct. Indeed, any species must have it in order to survive. Standing his ground was not Karkat's typical first choice; he backed away slowly when Eridan blinded his friend Sollux, stared wide-eyed as he slew Feferi, and froze in his tracks when he detonated the matriorb and slaughtered Kanaya. Perhaps these events were the catalyst for what Karkat would do next.

Upon hearing the horn, Karkat screamed, terrified. Enough of his comrades had fallen today, and he would do his best to prevent any more from being killed, even if it meant putting himself in harm's way. In a fraction of a second, it was over; he swung wildly, nicking the intruder's neck. Not an immediately fatal wound, but blood loss would kill the attacker soon enough.

Almost immediately, however, Karkat sensed something was wrong. The intruder cried out upon being struck; was that voice really Gamzee's? Something clattered against the wall... a horn? Perhaps it was stepped on, making that awful noise? And even though the lab was dimly lit and the body was face-down, Karkat could tell the troll sprawled out on the floor couldn't possibly be that damned clown. The horns were the wrong shape, that wasn't Gamzee's hairstyle, those were... oh God, no. No. Not her.

His eyes darted from the red shades on the ground to his blade. He held it to the only light source in the room, and... no, no, no, no no no no. That's not... that's...

Teal. The liquid dripping from the tip of the sickle was teal. Stunned, he fell to his knees in disbelief, tears welling in his eyes.

No, this is not the time to sit and cry, a voice inside told him. It's not too late. You can still make this right. Karkat wasn't sure if he could believe it, and he didn't know much about treating a wound of this nature, but he had to try, for her sake.

Terezi rolled face-up and met Karkat's stare, and at first she feared the worst. Someone (Vriska, obviously, but it was more fun to pretend the guilty party could be someone else) had sent Tavros hurtling to his death at the bottom of a pit with his own lance through his chest. Terezi found Karkat in the lab surrounded by bodies; had Karkat snapped too? Had his anger finally taken over? The face she saw, however, was not one of rage, but one of remorse, reminding her that she knew, perhaps better than anyone, that Karkat's rage was just a cover.

He had work to do. Proper bandages were not something that could be located in a timely manner, and time was not on his side. Using his scythe, Karkat made a circular cut and removed half of the right sleeve of his shirt. In doing so, he accidentally cut himself, revealing his bright red blood to anyone who might have happened upon the scene.

He didn't care.

Karkat applied his makeshift bandage, tight enough to combat the bleeding but loose enough so as not to choke her. He worked quickly; he had to, if she was to survive this accident. Sollux was Karkat's best friend; Kanaya, his moirail. But Terezi... Terezi was something more to him, and the thought of losing her was simply not an option. Long ago, he had waxed red for her, but it was never something he could bring himself to admit, even after their "incident." How silly it seemed to him now, now that they were surrounded by dead comrades and threatened by at least two madmen, that knowledge of their incident spreading was one of his worst fears. Maybe he would never have heard the end of it, maybe his friends would have given him such a ribbing for it, but he could take it, if he knew Terezi would not pay the ultimate price for his foolish mistake.

His work complete, Karkat held Terezi in his arms and prayed to whatever god would listen that the improvised dressing would be enough to keep her from bleeding out. Terezi tried to speak, but Karkat urged her to remain quiet, that she needed to save her strength. Karkat had much on his mind, however, and some things needed to be said, even if the conversation were to be one-sided due to a grievous injury.

A profuse apology, made, and accepted.

An acknowledgment of one's self being a raging fuckass, spoken aloud. A smile, elicited. An oath to become a better man, promised. An acknowledgment, nodded.

A silence, followed. A moment of existing, uncaring of the dangers that plagued the both of them, enjoyed.

A bond, strengthened.

A longer silence. A statement, considered. A confession, made.

A reply, silent. A girl, comatose. A boy, shaken.

Karkat's fingers slid from Terezi's hand to her wrist. As he feared, her pulse was very weak. The all-too-familiar feeling of failure was too much for him to handle again, and he swore aloud at himself for allowing it to happen again, to the girl he loved, of all people. He had done all he could do, and it still wasn't enough. Terezi was going to die, and all Karkat could think of was that it was entirely his fault. He screamed, begged, pleaded for her to return to life, just long enough to tell her his true feelings. He bargained with no one in particular to let him take her place instead, because really, he deserved it more than her. He wept when his pleas fell on deaf ears.

But... was there really nothing that could be done? A thought occurred to him.

The Knight of Blood. SGRUB had given him and every member of his session a title. Some were meaningful; Aradia was the Maid of Time, and thus she could freely travel through it. Gamzee was the Bard of Rage, and he had delivered the most ferocious attack of the entire group to the Black King. Others seemed almost arbitrary; how the hell was Equius an Heir of Void? What even IS a Sylph of Space?

Karkat's title had been the Knight of Blood, and his planet, the Land of Pulse and Haze. During his session, he believed both the title, as well as the planet covered in his own blood, to be the game's way of mocking him, until he met Noir and discovered his bright red blood was not so unique. While most of his party gained powers in line with their titles, Karkat never seemed to progress in any way beyond being able to hit things harder with his sickles.

But perhaps there was something he missed.

Karkat concentrated on the task at hand. Terezi's teal blood was still leaking from the gash in her neck, and something had to be done about this. He would not lose another this day.

Desperately trying to accomplish something, anything, that would save her life, when Karkat's hands passed over Terezi's wound, he felt something. Nothing physical, more like a warmth or a jolt, almost imperceptible at first, but when his hands returned to the position it became stronger. His fingers combed the air above the cut, searching for the exact spot, and was rewarded with an unmistakable tingling in his fingertips. He had no idea what would happen next, but inaction would kill her. He wondered if he could just sort of reach over, and...

The sensation was quite painful at first. A feeling of something sharp penetrating each of his fingertips, as crimson arcs leapt from them to no point in particular in the air, where they dispersed. Such a feeling was startling to begin with, but Karkat slowly realized what was happening, and began to focus. The title of Knight of Blood, as fate would have it, DID come with special powers, and now that he knew of their existence, Karkat put them to work. The red streams that disappeared into nothing at first gradually came under the Knight's control, and made contact with the Seer's wound. Now that he knew the extent of his abilities, Karkat's newfound confidence grew. Today... today, he would save a life, and for the first time in as long as he could remember... Karkat smiled.

Hours later, Terezi awoke. She sniffed at her surroundings. Karkat slumped against the far wall, sound asleep, against his own orders. Otherwise, they were alone in the room. Her throat was still sore, but it seemed Karkat had managed to stop the bleeding. Her terminal beeped in the corner of the room. Terezi made her way to it, and discovered a message.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

CG: TEREZI.
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'LL GET THIS MESSAGE.
CG: HELL, I MIGHT WALK OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER AND JUST CLOSE THIS FUCKING THING BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN SEE IT.
CG: KIND OF PLANNING ON SPILLING MY PROTEIN CHUTE HERE.
CG: OH HELL, IF I CAN'T SAY THIS NOW, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO.
CG: ANYWAY
CG: I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT
CG: I FINALLY DID IT
CG: I FIGURED OUT WHAT A KNIGHT OF BLOOD CAN DO.
CG: IT'S KIND OF HOW I SAVED YOU, ACTUALLY.
CG: LONG STORY SHORT, THERE'S A LOT OF MY MUTANT CANDY RED SLOSHING AROUND INSIDE YOU WITH YOUR TEAL BLOOD.
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE SQUEALING WITH FUCKING DELIGHT AT THE THOUGHT OF IT, BUT PLEASE TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.
CG: GIVING YOU SO MUCH OF MY BLOOD HAS MADE ME SO FUCKING TIRED.
CG: AND I WAS TIRED BEFORE, SO GODDAMN IT, I'M TAKING A NAP
CG: AND ANYONE WHO GIVES ME SHIT ABOUT IT CAN HELP THEMSELVES TO A NUTRITIONAL PLATEAU SHOVELED HIGH WITH A STEAMING HELPING OF "GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK"
CG: BUT ANYWAY.
CG: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID
CG: WHEN I THOUGHT I'D LOST YOU.
CG: BUT IF YOU DID
CG: I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.
CG: I MEANT EVERY GODDAMN WORD OF IT.
CG: YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE TO ME.
CG: AND I'M SORRY THINGS HAD TO GET SO BAD BEFORE I COULD ADMIT IT.
CG: I LOVE YOU, TEREZI PYROPE.
CG:

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

At this, Terezi simply smiled, made her way over to Karkat sleeping, kissed him gently on the forehead, and laid in his arms. It woke him up, of course, but it was okay. He gripped Terezi's hands and she responded in kind. There may be a couple of psychopaths on this asteroid, but it didn't matter. If destiny said Karkat had to die now, he had no regrets. For the first time in his life, Karkat was at peace.

---BONUS EPILOGUE--

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To your right stands EQUIUS, who has volunteered to stand guard alongside his COMBAT ROBOTS. He alone read and considered FUTURE KARKAT'S MEMO, and his preparations are finally complete. CULLING is one thing, but MURDER is unbecoming of a highblood. The thought of dealing JUSTICE to his blood superiors is enough to make him SWEAT PROFUSELY. He reaches for his stack of EXTRA-ABSORBENT TOWELS.

To your left is the TRANSPORTALIZER. Attached to it is a NOTE you have already read.

>Enter TRANSPORTALIZER.

You step into the TRANSPORTALIZER leading to the LAB, having read the sad news on the NOTE left beside it warning you of the DANGER. Yeah, ERIDAN is a bit of a douchebag and you could totally see him doing what the NOTE claimed, but GAMZEE flipping out like that? No way. Something's amiss.

==>

You transportalize into the LAB. The BODIES have been cleared. SOLLUX is bandaged up and unconscious but is otherwise alive. A COUPLE sits together, asleep, against the FAR WALL. You squint to see who they are, and your eyes widen in sudden realization and excitement. You quickly EXIT the LAB. This is no time for you to intrude, and in any case, you now have WORK to do.

>Do WORK.

You quickly make your way down to the lower levels of the COMPLEX. Finding the right place for it took a long time, and this was the only suitable space. It was a big project, but with so much space available, it had to be done. Your new SHIPPING WALL was finally completed not even an hour ago. The HUGE WALLS of the COMPLEX allowed for large, detailed portraits of all possible redrom ships. It is in every way superior to the one in your old hive, and it awaits its first update.

KARKAT TEREZI. You dip a brush into the RED PAINT and circle the appropriate panel of the SHIPPING GRID. Not exactly what you were hoping for, but it's a happy occasion for mutual friends, and you couldn't be happier for them. A pale friendship becoming flushed is one of your favorite themes, after all. A warm, fuzzy feeling overtakes you and you can't help but grin like an idiot.

You consider reaching for the TEAL PAINT to reflect TEREZI's apparent injury, but decide against it. Having to recolor all of ARADIA'S panels again took long enough, and accounting for recent events will consume even more time.

--end.--

My thoughts (shit you don't care about):

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So yeah, I wrote this for /co/ after someone posted something like "man it's gonna be sad when Karkat accidentally cuts Terezi's throat in a fit of terror!" and I was all "but but but but he's gonna save her with his ill-defined Knight of Blood powers, right? All crying and confessing his feelings and oh god I'm dangerously close to writing fanfiction so I'm gonna stop now." But obviously I didn't stop now, because in a moment of weakness (also it was like 3 in the morning) I wrote this.

So there you have it, I went into this with the attitude that writing fanfiction was the lamest thing ever. Actually I still kind of think that! But that's not being fair. Writing this was actually kind of a challenge, since writing someone else's characters convincingly and in-character isn't the easiest thing ever! To be honest I still don't think my dumb little story is as good as it could be. I just hope everyone's not TOO out of character. Case in point, my favorite bit is the Trollian log near the end of the main story, but is this something Karkat would actually say, given the events? I think so. But I could be wrong. Also the whole "Equius standing guard" thing in the epilogue is kind of a lame explanation as to why none of the murdering assholes showed up, but it there it is anyway. Here's hoping I did it right.

Karkat's Knight of Blood powers. After a recent rereading of Homestuck from beginning to end, I noticed that Karkat didn't seem to exhibit any unusual abilities during his session. Knowing my luck it was something that I missed both times I've gone archive digging, but I took his title and gave him a bit of a twist. When you hear "knight of blood" you certainly wouldn't think of much else but destructive abilities, so I decided that giving him the ability to heal people with his own blood could be a good fit. After rereading that part of my story I'm actually not as satisfied with it as I was when I wrote it; it looks like Karkat is doing some kind of gross magical blood transfusion, and he was certainly supposed to believe that's how it worked, but I imagined it as more like an RPG ability that lets you sacrifice your own HP to heal an ally. Of course, being the Knight of Blood lets him regenerate his own blood fairly quickly, but I'm rambling about the dumbest thing now and nobody wants that.

In conclusion, I had more fun writing this than I thought I would, and I hope at least one of you enjoys it. Also, as a final aside, the epilogue still makes me grin like a doofus. I like to think I relate more to Karkat; as my favorite troll, I see a bit of myself in him. But in the end, I am Nepeta. She's me.

@Stormrunner: congratulations, I no longer hate Vriska, thanks to you. Excellent work.

[Kassiopeia]

@Kerensky: I had totally forgotten that little thing I wrote and take perverse joy in the fact that it apparently made your head explode with noncanonical annoyance
(but seriously never stop reviewing, you are a true hero)

edit
@anonymousComrade: well played, sir. That was pretty goddamn cute while not lapsing out of character.

I went into this with the attitude that writing fanfiction was the lamest thing ever

This is where we all start, my friend, but sooner or later the fanfictioning impulse will overcome your brainlobes and that will be the end of you. Welcome to the thread. YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE.

[SeptimusMagistos]

And now for something more anthropocentric:

Chapter Four: The Bureaucracy At Work

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CTT RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Doomed Is Just A Word.

CTT: Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the Pink Wiggler Subcommittee.
CTT: As the name (which was, incidentally, chosen within the main Committee by a majority vote) implies, this meeting is mostly to discuss problems specific to the human session.
CTT: However, any of our Alternian allies who feel they have something relevant to add are welcome to do so at any time.
CTT: Obviously the cat is out of the bag concerning the Tumor.
CTT: I had believed the fact that it is a bomb with more than enough power to destroy our session in its entirety should have been kept confidential.
CTT: Unfortunately that is no longer an option.
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: don’t worry about it rose!
CEB: sure it’s kind of scary to try to remove such a big bomb from anything but knowing what it is will just mean that i’ll be really careful.
CEB: not that i wasn’t already going to be extra-careful. :)
CTT: I take it then you do not share Karkat’s belief that whatever we do, the bomb will inevitably go off and destroy us all.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: okay take it from someone who knows:
CTG: it doesn’t work like that
CTG: just because the timeline is doomed doesn’t mean that everyone is going to die at any given moment
CTG: we survived for months bumming around lands and pwning imps and shit
CTG: and we could maybe have survived for years
CTG: i don’t even know if being in a doomed timeline necessarily means everyone is going to die at all
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: i bring you greetings from the future
CTG: what is the future like?
FTG: pretty fucking sweet
FTG: we all have jetpacks and flying cars
FTG: and there are robots everywhere
FTG: there is one guy with so many robots he’s like a dude on robot butler island
FTG: and also i guess robot dedicated relationship island
FTG: he says i have to mentions that.
CTG: cool
FTG: yeah
FTG: anyway we’ve been sort of kicking that question around here in the subcommittee
FTG: the troll girl has more of what you’d call empirical evidence than we do
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: which troll girl
CTG: come on dave you’re embarrassing us here
FTG: yeah obviously it’s going to be the troll girl with the time powers and the sweet turntables
CTG: get with the program
CTG: okay cool
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: guys guys guys!!!! :D
CGG: and rose too i guess :D
CTT: Yes, Jade, what is it?
CTT: And if at all possible, could you express your answer in a saccharine tone using a great many emoticons?
CGG: i think that might be doable :p
CGG: the subcommittee of space and frogs has just finished its first meeting
CGG: and we think we know how to open a way between the two sessions
CGG: other than by traveling through the endless expanse of the void filled with infinite horrorterrors slumbering darkly throughout eternity i mean! :)
CTT: What an odd way to phrase that.
CGG: feferi was invited as a guest speaker
CGG: she’s friendly, but I think she likes tentacles just a little bit too much.
CTG: whoa there
CTG: that is not the kind of thing you want to say in front of the guy raised by the president of the puppet dong enthusiasm club
CTG: seriously jade
CGG: heh heh sorry Dave!
CGG: but anyway while we can’t get this working yet
CGG: we think we know the theory!
CGG: so maybe soon we’ll be able to visit them or they’ll be able to visit us.
CEB: that sounds fun!
CEB: i guess if you’re going to be doomed, you might as well be doomed together.
CTT: Truly an inspiring statement for the modern age.
CEB: haha!
CEB: anyway, dave, karkat’s been pestering me to tell you again to make sure to keep a close eye on the ring.
CEB: we wouldn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands!
CTG: oh crap i completely forgot
CTG: not that it’s all my fault mind you
CTG: i mean with all this stuff going on how can a dude be expected to keep track of something like a magic ring capable of giving its wielder the power to set a planet on fire
CTG: and also i guess making them crippled and blind
CTG: so you got it?
CTG: yeah i got it dude
CTT: How goes the effort to recover the other ring?
CGG: um...
CGG: i don’t really see it anywhere!
CGG: i’ve looked all over with those goggles, but i think the rings might be shielded from them.
CGG: or something. :(
CEB: it’s okay, jade, we’ll find it!
CEB: i’ll make sure to keep my eyes open for it when i drop in on skaia
CEB: you know - to get rid of the bomb.
CTT: I believe that takes care of most of the current business.
CTT: We should probably wrap this up. Jade and I need to get to the Subcommittee On First Guardians.
CEB: yeah and i need to get to the subcommittee on cultural artifacts.
CEB: there are too many subcommittees.
CEB: bluh!
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] 0:07 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: I Confess I May Have Grown Somewhat Overenthusiastic In Setting Up Subcommittees
FGA: However The Problem Before Us Is Broad Enough That I Felt We Had Something To Gain By Attacking It From Multiple Perspectives
CEB: don’t worry, kanaya, it’s all good.
CEB: complaining about something that isn’t so bad is just something humans do sometimes.
CGA: Oh
CGA: I Will Add It To My Ever Growing List Of Humorous Insincerity Used By Humans
CEB: all right, later.
CTG: see ya
CGG: bye everyone!!!
CTT: Until next we meet.

CTT closed memo.

[Miss Prince]

And now for something more anthropocentric:

Chapter Four: The Bureaucracy At Work

show spoiler

hide spoiler

CTT RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Doomed Is Just A Word.

CTT: Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the Pink Wiggler Subcommittee.
CTT: As the name (which was, incidentally, chosen within the main Committee by a majority vote) implies, this meeting is mostly to discuss problems specific to the human session.
CTT: However, any of our Alternian allies who feel they have something relevant to add are welcome to do so at any time.
CTT: Obviously the cat is out of the bag concerning the Tumor.
CTT: I had believed the fact that it is a bomb with more than enough power to destroy our session in its entirety should have been kept confidential.
CTT: Unfortunately that is no longer an option.
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: don’t worry about it rose!
CEB: sure it’s kind of scary to try to remove such a big bomb from anything but knowing what it is will just mean that i’ll be really careful.
CEB: not that i wasn’t already going to be extra-careful.
CTT: I take it then you do not share Karkat’s belief that whatever we do, the bomb will inevitably go off and destroy us all.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: okay take it from someone who knows:
CTG: it doesn’t work like that
CTG: just because the timeline is doomed doesn’t mean that everyone is going to die at any given moment
CTG: we survived for months bumming around lands and pwning imps and shit
CTG: and we could maybe have survived for years
CTG: i don’t even know if being in a doomed timeline necessarily means everyone is going to die at all
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: i bring you greetings from the future
CTG: what is the future like?
FTG: pretty fucking sweet
FTG: we all have jetpacks and flying cars
FTG: and there are robots everywhere
FTG: there is one guy with so many robots he’s like a dude on robot butler island
FTG: and also i guess robot dedicated relationship island
FTG: he says i have to mentions that.
CTG: cool
FTG: yeah
FTG: anyway we’ve been sort of kicking that question around here in the subcommittee
FTG: the troll girl has more of what you’d call empirical evidence than we do
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: which troll girl
CTG: come on dave you’re embarrassing us here
FTG: yeah obviously it’s going to be the troll girl with the time powers and the sweet turntables
CTG: get with the program
CTG: okay cool
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: guys guys guys!!!!
CGG: and rose too i guess
CTT: Yes, Jade, what is it?
CTT: And if at all possible, could you express your answer in a saccharine tone using a great many emoticons?
CGG: i think that might be doable
CGG: the subcommittee of space and frogs has just finished its first meeting
CGG: and we think we know how to open a way between the two sessions
CGG: other than by traveling through the endless expanse of the void filled with infinite horrorterrors slumbering darkly throughout eternity i mean!
CTT: What an odd way to phrase that.
CGG: feferi was invited as a guest speaker
CGG: she’s friendly, but I think she likes tentacles just a little bit too much.
CTG: whoa there
CTG: that is not the kind of thing you want to say in front of the guy raised by the president of the puppet dong enthusiasm club
CTG: seriously jade
CGG: heh heh sorry Dave!
CGG: but anyway while we can’t get this working yet
CGG: we think we know the theory!
CGG: so maybe soon we’ll be able to visit them or they’ll be able to visit us.
CEB: that sounds fun!
CEB: i guess if you’re going to be doomed, you might as well be doomed together.
CTT: Truly an inspiring statement for the modern age.
CEB: haha!
CEB: anyway, dave, karkat’s been pestering me to tell you again to make sure to keep a close eye on the ring.
CEB: we wouldn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands!
CTG: oh crap i completely forgot
CTG: not that it’s all my fault mind you
CTG: i mean with all this stuff going on how can a dude be expected to keep track of something like a magic ring capable of giving its wielder the power to set a planet on fire
CTG: and also i guess making them crippled and blind
CTG: so you got it?
CTG: yeah i got it dude
CTT: How goes the effort to recover the other ring?
CGG: um…
CGG: i don’t really see it anywhere!
CGG: i’ve looked all over with those goggles, but i think the rings might be shielded from them.
CGG: or something.
CEB: it’s okay, jade, we’ll find it!
CEB: i’ll make sure to keep my eyes open for it when i drop in on skaia
CEB: you know – to get rid of the bomb.
CTT: I believe that takes care of most of the current business.
CTT: We should probably wrap this up. Jade and I need to get to the Subcommittee On First Guardians.
CEB: yeah and i need to get to the subcommittee on cultural artifacts.
CEB: there are too many subcommittees.
CEB: bluh!
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] 0:07 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
CGA: I Confess I May Have Grown Somewhat Overenthusiastic In Setting Up Subcommittees
CGA: However The Problem Before Us Is Broad Enough That I Felt We Had Something To Gain By Attacking It From Multiple Perspectives
CEB: don’t worry, kanaya, it’s all good.
CEB: complaining about something that isn’t so bad is just something humans do sometimes.
CGA: Oh
CGA: I Will Add It To My Ever Growing List Of Humorous Insincerity Used By Humans
CEB: all right, later.
CTG: see ya
CGG: bye everyone!!!
CTT: Until next we meet.

CTT closed memo.

I am really loving this. I like seeing an optimistic take on a doomed timeline and man I hope it stays that way

One thing, when Kanaya joins the chat at the end you introduce her as FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix, but her tag is CGA. Just a heads-up!

[Kerensky287]

So uh, I made an account so I could post this thing I wrote.

This story takes place in the trolls' session, not long after the recent failed revival attempts. I think I wrote it back when the latest update was WV chugging Barbasol. I wrote it for a certain imageboard's Comics and Cartoons board (hence my name) in response to another post there, where it was pretty much ignored.

But I thought maybe you guys might like it, so here it is. I know there are probably a few things wrong with it (hahahaha a few, I just hope I didn't completely ruin everything), so I want honest feedback. This is not code for "be gentle", if it sucks then it sucks.

Anyway. Enough talking about the story, you can read my comments after it.

If even one person reads and enjoys this, I will have considered writing it to not have been a colossal waste of time.

Knight of Blood

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Karkat froze, if only for an instant, when he heard the soft "shoosh" of someone stepping through the transportalizer. He couldn't show fear, not now, even if he'd never been so fearful in his life. Not to that damned clown. Gamzee would be certain to pick up on it, and it would be all he needed to end Karkat's life.

He gripped the sickle tighter in his right hand, blocked from the intruder's view by his body, facing away from the transportalizer, toward the horn pile which Feferi's body lay atop. Karkat had lost two friends to a madman today; he would not allow any more. He would wait for the perfect moment to strike, then end it with one slash to the subjugglator's throat. It was the perfect plan.

But then, Karkat had never been capable of sticking to the plan when shit hit the fan. For every brave front he tried to show with his typical raging fuckass demeanor, he was quick to panic, and this would be no different. When he heard the quiet "pap" of footsteps approaching him, his hands shook, grasping his weapon tighter still, and when he heard the barely-perceptible honk, terror struck the boy. But this time was different.

Alternians are no different from us Earthlings in that they possess the "fight or flight" instinct. Indeed, any species must have it in order to survive. Standing his ground was not Karkat's typical first choice; he backed away slowly when Eridan blinded his friend Sollux, stared wide-eyed as he slew Feferi, and froze in his tracks when he detonated the matriorb and slaughtered Kanaya. Perhaps these events were the catalyst for what Karkat would do next.

Upon hearing the horn, Karkat screamed, terrified. Enough of his comrades had fallen today, and he would do his best to prevent any more from being killed, even if it meant putting himself in harm's way. In a fraction of a second, it was over; he swung wildly, nicking the intruder's neck. Not an immediately fatal wound, but blood loss would kill the attacker soon enough.

Almost immediately, however, Karkat sensed something was wrong. The intruder cried out upon being struck; was that voice really Gamzee's? Something clattered against the wall... a horn? Perhaps it was stepped on, making that awful noise? And even though the lab was dimly lit and the body was face-down, Karkat could tell the troll sprawled out on the floor couldn't possibly be that damned clown. The horns were the wrong shape, that wasn't Gamzee's hairstyle, those were... oh God, no. No. Not her.

His eyes darted from the red shades on the ground to his blade. He held it to the only light source in the room, and... no, no, no, no no no no. That's not... that's...

Teal. The liquid dripping from the tip of the sickle was teal. Stunned, he fell to his knees in disbelief, tears welling in his eyes.

No, this is not the time to sit and cry, a voice inside told him. It's not too late. You can still make this right. Karkat wasn't sure if he could believe it, and he didn't know much about treating a wound of this nature, but he had to try, for her sake.

Terezi rolled face-up and met Karkat's stare, and at first she feared the worst. Someone (Vriska, obviously, but it was more fun to pretend the guilty party could be someone else) had sent Tavros hurtling to his death at the bottom of a pit with his own lance through his chest. Terezi found Karkat in the lab surrounded by bodies; had Karkat snapped too? Had his anger finally taken over? The face she saw, however, was not one of rage, but one of remorse, reminding her that she knew, perhaps better than anyone, that Karkat's rage was just a cover.

He had work to do. Proper bandages were not something that could be located in a timely manner, and time was not on his side. Using his scythe, Karkat made a circular cut and removed half of the right sleeve of his shirt. In doing so, he accidentally cut himself, revealing his bright red blood to anyone who might have happened upon the scene.

He didn't care.

Karkat applied his makeshift bandage, tight enough to combat the bleeding but loose enough so as not to choke her. He worked quickly; he had to, if she was to survive this accident. Sollux was Karkat's best friend; Kanaya, his moirail. But Terezi... Terezi was something more to him, and the thought of losing her was simply not an option. Long ago, he had waxed red for her, but it was never something he could bring himself to admit, even after their "incident." How silly it seemed to him now, now that they were surrounded by dead comrades and threatened by at least two madmen, that knowledge of their incident spreading was one of his worst fears. Maybe he would never have heard the end of it, maybe his friends would have given him such a ribbing for it, but he could take it, if he knew Terezi would not pay the ultimate price for his foolish mistake.

His work complete, Karkat held Terezi in his arms and prayed to whatever god would listen that the improvised dressing would be enough to keep her from bleeding out. Terezi tried to speak, but Karkat urged her to remain quiet, that she needed to save her strength. Karkat had much on his mind, however, and some things needed to be said, even if the conversation were to be one-sided due to a grievous injury.

A profuse apology, made, and accepted.

An acknowledgment of one's self being a raging fuckass, spoken aloud. A smile, elicited. An oath to become a better man, promised. An acknowledgment, nodded.

A silence, followed. A moment of existing, uncaring of the dangers that plagued the both of them, enjoyed.

A bond, strengthened.

A longer silence. A statement, considered. A confession, made.

A reply, silent. A girl, comatose. A boy, shaken.

Karkat's fingers slid from Terezi's hand to her wrist. As he feared, her pulse was very weak. The all-too-familiar feeling of failure was too much for him to handle again, and he swore aloud at himself for allowing it to happen again, to the girl he loved, of all people. He had done all he could do, and it still wasn't enough. Terezi was going to die, and all Karkat could think of was that it was entirely his fault. He screamed, begged, pleaded for her to return to life, just long enough to tell her his true feelings. He bargained with no one in particular to let him take her place instead, because really, he deserved it more than her. He wept when his pleas fell on deaf ears.

But... was there really nothing that could be done? A thought occurred to him.

The Knight of Blood. SGRUB had given him and every member of his session a title. Some were meaningful; Aradia was the Maid of Time, and thus she could freely travel through it. Gamzee was the Bard of Rage, and he had delivered the most ferocious attack of the entire group to the Black King. Others seemed almost arbitrary; how the hell was Equius an Heir of Void? What even IS a Sylph of Space?

Karkat's title had been the Knight of Blood, and his planet, the Land of Pulse and Haze. During his session, he believed both the title, as well as the planet covered in his own blood, to be the game's way of mocking him, until he met Noir and discovered his bright red blood was not so unique. While most of his party gained powers in line with their titles, Karkat never seemed to progress in any way beyond being able to hit things harder with his sickles.

But perhaps there was something he missed.

Karkat concentrated on the task at hand. Terezi's teal blood was still leaking from the gash in her neck, and something had to be done about this. He would not lose another this day.

Desperately trying to accomplish something, anything, that would save her life, when Karkat's hands passed over Terezi's wound, he felt something. Nothing physical, more like a warmth or a jolt, almost imperceptible at first, but when his hands returned to the position it became stronger. His fingers combed the air above the cut, searching for the exact spot, and was rewarded with an unmistakable tingling in his fingertips. He had no idea what would happen next, but inaction would kill her. He wondered if he could just sort of reach over, and...

The sensation was quite painful at first. A feeling of something sharp penetrating each of his fingertips, as crimson arcs leapt from them to no point in particular in the air, where they dispersed. Such a feeling was startling to begin with, but Karkat slowly realized what was happening, and began to focus. The title of Knight of Blood, as fate would have it, DID come with special powers, and now that he knew of their existence, Karkat put them to work. The red streams that disappeared into nothing at first gradually came under the Knight's control, and made contact with the Seer's wound. Now that he knew the extent of his abilities, Karkat's newfound confidence grew. Today... today, he would save a life, and for the first time in as long as he could remember... Karkat smiled.

Hours later, Terezi awoke. She sniffed at her surroundings. Karkat slumped against the far wall, sound asleep, against his own orders. Otherwise, they were alone in the room. Her throat was still sore, but it seemed Karkat had managed to stop the bleeding. Her terminal beeped in the corner of the room. Terezi made her way to it, and discovered a message.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

CG: TEREZI.
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'LL GET THIS MESSAGE.
CG: HELL, I MIGHT WALK OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER AND JUST CLOSE THIS FUCKING THING BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN SEE IT.
CG: KIND OF PLANNING ON SPILLING MY PROTEIN CHUTE HERE.
CG: OH HELL, IF I CAN'T SAY THIS NOW, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO.
CG: ANYWAY
CG: I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT
CG: I FINALLY DID IT
CG: I FIGURED OUT WHAT A KNIGHT OF BLOOD CAN DO.
CG: IT'S KIND OF HOW I SAVED YOU, ACTUALLY.
CG: LONG STORY SHORT, THERE'S A LOT OF MY MUTANT CANDY RED SLOSHING AROUND INSIDE YOU WITH YOUR TEAL BLOOD.
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE SQUEALING WITH FUCKING DELIGHT AT THE THOUGHT OF IT, BUT PLEASE TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.
CG: GIVING YOU SO MUCH OF MY BLOOD HAS MADE ME SO FUCKING TIRED.
CG: AND I WAS TIRED BEFORE, SO GODDAMN IT, I'M TAKING A NAP
CG: AND ANYONE WHO GIVES ME SHIT ABOUT IT CAN HELP THEMSELVES TO A NUTRITIONAL PLATEAU SHOVELED HIGH WITH A STEAMING HELPING OF "GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK"
CG: BUT ANYWAY.
CG: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID
CG: WHEN I THOUGHT I'D LOST YOU.
CG: BUT IF YOU DID
CG: I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.
CG: I MEANT EVERY GODDAMN WORD OF IT.
CG: YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE TO ME.
CG: AND I'M SORRY THINGS HAD TO GET SO BAD BEFORE I COULD ADMIT IT.
CG: I LOVE YOU, TEREZI PYROPE.
CG:

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

At this, Terezi simply smiled, made her way over to Karkat sleeping, kissed him gently on the forehead, and laid in his arms. It woke him up, of course, but it was okay. He gripped Terezi's hands and she responded in kind. There may be a couple of psychopaths on this asteroid, but it didn't matter. If destiny said Karkat had to die now, he had no regrets. For the first time in his life, Karkat was at peace.

---BONUS EPILOGUE--

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To your right stands EQUIUS, who has volunteered to stand guard alongside his COMBAT ROBOTS. He alone read and considered FUTURE KARKAT'S MEMO, and his preparations are finally complete. CULLING is one thing, but MURDER is unbecoming of a highblood. The thought of dealing JUSTICE to his blood superiors is enough to make him SWEAT PROFUSELY. He reaches for his stack of EXTRA-ABSORBENT TOWELS.

To your left is the TRANSPORTALIZER. Attached to it is a NOTE you have already read.

>Enter TRANSPORTALIZER.

You step into the TRANSPORTALIZER leading to the LAB, having read the sad news on the NOTE left beside it warning you of the DANGER. Yeah, ERIDAN is a bit of a douchebag and you could totally see him doing what the NOTE claimed, but GAMZEE flipping out like that? No way. Something's amiss.

==>

You transportalize into the LAB. The BODIES have been cleared. SOLLUX is bandaged up and unconscious but is otherwise alive. A COUPLE sits together, asleep, against the FAR WALL. You squint to see who they are, and your eyes widen in sudden realization and excitement. You quickly EXIT the LAB. This is no time for you to intrude, and in any case, you now have WORK to do.

>Do WORK.

You quickly make your way down to the lower levels of the COMPLEX. Finding the right place for it took a long time, and this was the only suitable space. It was a big project, but with so much space available, it had to be done. Your new SHIPPING WALL was finally completed not even an hour ago. The HUGE WALLS of the COMPLEX allowed for large, detailed portraits of all possible redrom ships. It is in every way superior to the one in your old hive, and it awaits its first update.

KARKAT TEREZI. You dip a brush into the RED PAINT and circle the appropriate panel of the SHIPPING GRID. Not exactly what you were hoping for, but it's a happy occasion for mutual friends, and you couldn't be happier for them. A pale friendship becoming flushed is one of your favorite themes, after all. A warm, fuzzy feeling overtakes you and you can't help but grin like an idiot.

You consider reaching for the TEAL PAINT to reflect TEREZI's apparent injury, but decide against it. Having to recolor all of ARADIA'S panels again took long enough, and accounting for recent events will consume even more time.

--end.--

My thoughts (shit you don't care about):

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So yeah, I wrote this for /co/ after someone posted something like "man it's gonna be sad when Karkat accidentally cuts Terezi's throat in a fit of terror!" and I was all "but but but but he's gonna save her with his ill-defined Knight of Blood powers, right? All crying and confessing his feelings and oh god I'm dangerously close to writing fanfiction so I'm gonna stop now." But obviously I didn't stop now, because in a moment of weakness (also it was like 3 in the morning) I wrote this.

So there you have it, I went into this with the attitude that writing fanfiction was the lamest thing ever. Actually I still kind of think that! But that's not being fair. Writing this was actually kind of a challenge, since writing someone else's characters convincingly and in-character isn't the easiest thing ever! To be honest I still don't think my dumb little story is as good as it could be. I just hope everyone's not TOO out of character. Case in point, my favorite bit is the Trollian log near the end of the main story, but is this something Karkat would actually say, given the events? I think so. But I could be wrong. Also the whole "Equius standing guard" thing in the epilogue is kind of a lame explanation as to why none of the murdering assholes showed up, but it there it is anyway. Here's hoping I did it right.

Karkat's Knight of Blood powers. After a recent rereading of Homestuck from beginning to end, I noticed that Karkat didn't seem to exhibit any unusual abilities during his session. Knowing my luck it was something that I missed both times I've gone archive digging, but I took his title and gave him a bit of a twist. When you hear "knight of blood" you certainly wouldn't think of much else but destructive abilities, so I decided that giving him the ability to heal people with his own blood could be a good fit. After rereading that part of my story I'm actually not as satisfied with it as I was when I wrote it; it looks like Karkat is doing some kind of gross magical blood transfusion, and he was certainly supposed to believe that's how it worked, but I imagined it as more like an RPG ability that lets you sacrifice your own HP to heal an ally. Of course, being the Knight of Blood lets him regenerate his own blood fairly quickly, but I'm rambling about the dumbest thing now and nobody wants that.

In conclusion, I had more fun writing this than I thought I would, and I hope at least one of you enjoys it. Also, as a final aside, the epilogue still makes me grin like a doofus. I like to think I relate more to Karkat; as my favorite troll, I see a bit of myself in him. But in the end, I am Nepeta. She's me.

@Stormrunner: congratulations, I no longer hate Vriska, thanks to you. Excellent work.

Regarding the story: YES. Excellent work. When I said I needed to fix myself I thought I meant alcohol but apparently I meant happy fics that have not yet been disproven by canon. And oh, I ruuuuue the day when this gets kicked to the curb by something Andrew Hussie writes.

Regarding your comments: Yeah, fanfiction in general is kind of the lamest thing ever, you're totally right about that (this coming from a guy who spends something like 2 hours a day reading and reviewing the stuff). But something excellent written in a bad medium (if you can call fanfiction a medium) can still manage to be excellent. The MSPA fanbase is lucky enough to have a ton of really talented writers who are capable of taking pre-made characters and FLESHING THEM OUT MORE without actually going against what we already know about them. I'm hopefully not just saying that because I count myself as a part of the MSPA fanbase, either.

Oh also, the MSPA fanbase is lucky enough to have the ability to use completely unrelated characters while still calling it MSPA fanfiction thanks to the SBURB template. So I'm happy about that.

[Wigmund]

@Kerensky: Yeah, I know about the grammar mistakes in most of my recent fics. But until I'm freed from jail, I can do jack about them after I hit 'post'.
I try to catch what I can by going advanced and previewing my posts, but even then I miss shit.

But yeah,