MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[lucidSeraph]

... After having watched a LARP of Harry Potter Year 7 in which Hufflepuff House owned the shit out of everyone in the game, I have to submit that Karkat and John both end up in Hufflepuff.

And then win the game.

FFFffffffffff people makin' me loose the game all over today.

On the other hand, as a proud Hufflepuff myself, I can agree with this.
...I really want to write this now.

Yes.

Also, the reason Hufflepuff wins - Basically what was discovered is that while Hufflepuffs were the weakest in terms of spells and actual knowledge, they were predisposed to be friends with everyone. To the point that they turned a high powered Slytherin to be their bro 4 lief, got people to help them break into teacher offices, and generally had all the powerful friends, all of them. The Gryffindors, meanwhile, were too buys getting themselves gloriously martyred for the cause; the Ravenclaws were too busy reading; and the Slytherins were too busy backstabbing the shit out of each other.

[draconicAlgorithm]

... After having watched a LARP of Harry Potter Year 7 in which Hufflepuff House owned the shit out of everyone in the game, I have to submit that Karkat and John both end up in Hufflepuff.

And then win the game.

Pfff, I would do that if only for the hilarity that would ensue.

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF HOUSE NAME IS HUFFLEPUFF?

i think it's kind of cute.

SHUT UP, NO ONE ASKED YOU.

[Wigmund]

I can only imagine the Sorting Hat's reaction to the Trolls and Hagrid will love Nepeta...at least until she started killing his 'little pets'.

[Twigwise]

... After having watched a LARP of Harry Potter Year 7 in which Hufflepuff House owned the shit out of everyone in the game, I have to submit that Karkat and John both end up in Hufflepuff.

And then win the game.

FFFffffffffff people makin' me loose the game all over today.

On the other hand, as a proud Hufflepuff myself, I can agree with this.
...I really want to write this now.

Yes.

Also, the reason Hufflepuff wins - Basically what was discovered is that while Hufflepuffs were the weakest in terms of spells and actual knowledge, they were predisposed to be friends with everyone. To the point that they turned a high powered Slytherin to be their bro 4 lief, got people to help them break into teacher offices, and generally had all the powerful friends, all of them. The Gryffindors, meanwhile, were too buys getting themselves gloriously martyred for the cause; the Ravenclaws were too busy reading; and the Slytherins were too busy backstabbing the shit out of each other.

Ahaha whoops I deleted that post on accident (don't know how) and it still got responded to. Amazing.

And yeah, that sounds about right. The Hufflepuffs are the perfect covert operators, no one expects them, ever! That sounds amazing to watch, though. Did you watch it live or on youtube?

[lucidSeraph]

Ahaha whoops I deleted that post on accident (don't know how) and it still got responded to. Amazing.

And yeah, that sounds about right. The Hufflepuffs are the perfect covert operators, no one expects them, ever! That sounds amazing to watch, though. Did you watch it live or on youtube?

No; I'm a member of a LARP team through MIT. I couldn't play in this session (it was a 10 day game, and MIT is kind of far away from me to be honest), but my friend came over and told me all about what went down.

[Rimbaum]

Open Pesterlog

show spoiler

hide spoiler

blueCaboose [BC] began pestering badassLeader [BL]
BC: Uhhh, Church
BL: OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK NOW CABOOSE?
BC: We have babies
BL: ...
BL: What
BC: Babies, I made some. They're so cute
BC: Oh I'll call this one Church. He looks just like you.
BL: Fucking hell you idiot don't touch them, you'll end up making us all retarded or something.
BC: Uh oh...
BL: Don't tell me, you picked up one of them and dropped it on his head.
BC: I won't tell you then.
BC: But how did you know.
BL: Dammit Caboose.

Damn that was horrible, but it's been months since I watched any Red vs Blue.

OH GOD IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

[KarneWarrior]

-Mistake-

Whoops.

You gave me an idea.

People who give me ideas never see another sunrise.

Because they are blinded by horrible writing.

Juxtaposition

show spoiler

hide spoiler

It was a complicated spell. So much could go wrong. It wasn't unheard of for it to summon a raging bull, or a pile of tadpoles, or a violent, nigh-nuclear explosion. But if there was one person, one wizard on the face of the planet that could handle the complicated, difficult, exhausting spellwork, it would certainly not be Ron Weasley.

But, despite the grave danger to the nation, his house, and/or amphibians, Ronald Weasley was attempting the spell. And dull as he was, the major reason he was doing it was because he could. There wasn't any plot behind it. He simply wanted to prove that he wasn't a bumbling idiot.

He waved his wand vaguely in the directing of the T.B Box Hermione had picked up from the eleckey tronic Store and shrunk back, expecting the worst. However, what happened was far from worse. In fact it was rather benign. The telemavision turned itself on and Ron settled into the soft couch to watch the Soccer World Cup. Not as good as quidditch, but it worked well enough.

He was interrupted, though, by a small grey child running through the house. Ron sighed. Ever since the meteor strike, things hadn't been the same. The introduction of Kanaya into their lives had changed just about everything. And level-headed as she was, Rose Weasley somehow got under her nerves in a way nobody else ever could. No-one could understand it but Rose herself. And she wasn't telling.

Mostly due to the fact she couldn't stop laughing.

There was a crash from inside the kitchen. Ron sighed and prepared himself for the epic task of turning off the T.B

__________________________________________________ _________________

"Gamzee, would you get the Narglecatcher for me?"

"WhY nOt. I'lL gEt YoUr MiRaClE cAtChEr, MiSs LoVeGoOd."

And that's all that needs to be said about this one.

[SeptimusMagistos]

Well, here's more of We're All Doomed

Chapter 6: New Friends and Old Enemies

show spoiler

hide spoiler

show spoiler

hide spoiler

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

AT: hI, jOHN,
EB: oh hey!
EB: do i know you?
AT: uHHHH, i DON’T THINK SO,
AT: i DO NOT THINK I HAVE TALKED TO YOU BEFORE,
AT: bUT, i TALKED TO YOUR FRIEND JADE A LOT,
AT: aND SHE HAS ALWAYS SAID GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU,
AT: mY NAME IS TAVROS BY THE WAY,
EB: well, tavros, any friend of jade’s is a friend of mine.
AT: tHAT IS A VERY NICE THING OF YOU TO SAY,
AT: aND I HOPE THAT US BECOMING FRIENDS IS GOING TO HAPPEN,
EB: it will if you want it to.
EB: friendship is easy like that.
EB: if two people want to be friends, there’s not a lot that can stop them!
AT: wOW, yOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP,
AT: aND I WAS WONDERING,
AT: iF YOU ALSO KNOW THINGS ABOUT, uHHH, cONFIDENCE,
EB: if you want to know about confidence, you’d be better off asking dave!
EB: dave is like the king of all the confident dudes.
EB: you can’t beat dave at a confidence contest.
EB: he is simply the best there is.
AT: nO, bUT SEE, i THINK THAT MAYBE HE IS NOT,
AT: bETWEEN YOU AND ME I THINK THAT MAYBE THE KIND OF CONFIDENCE DAVE HAS IS,
AT: fAKEY MADE UP CONFIDENCE,
AT: wHERE YOU ARE NOT REALLY CONFIDENT, bUT YOU TELL EVERYONE HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE,
AT: bECAUSE YOU HOPE THAT IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH,
AT: iT WILL COME TRUE,
EB: well...
EB: i don’t know about all that.
EB: between you and me i think it’s true dave sometimes does the thing that you said,
EB: but i also think that somewhere deep down he really is that confident!
EB: he just needs to see it.
AT: oKAY, sEE, tHIS KIND OF INSIGHT IS THE THING THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR,
AT: bECAUSE JADE HAS ALREADY SHOWN ME WHAT CONFIDENCE IS NOT,
AT: bUT I HAVE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING SOMEONE WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT CONFIDENCE IS,
AT: wITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE DAVE DOES,
AT: aND I THINK THAT AS A PAGE,
AT: i AM SUPPOSED TO LEARN AT FOREIGN COURTS,
AT: aND OTHER PLACES FAR FROM HOME,
AT: aND THE ONLY RACE I KNOW OTHER THAN HUMANS AND TROLLS,
AT: aRE THE HORRORTERRORS,
AT: wHO ARE FRIENDLY BUT ALSO VERY CONFUSING,
AT: aND ALSO I DON’T THINK THEY HAVE THE CONCEPT OF CONFIDENCE,
EB: well, i don’t know that much about confidence, but i can at least try to tell you what i do know!
AT: tHAT WOULD BE, uHHHH, nICE,
AT: aND ALSO HELPFUL,
EB: i think that part of confidence is knowing what you can do.
EB: and if you can do something well, you can be more confident about it!
AT: oKAY,
EB: and another part is maybe knowing that sometimes you will regret not doing something way more than you would doing something!
EB: like staying up to try and catch the monster under your bed.
EB: you are scared of the moster, but. . .
EB: you are more scared of spending the rest of your life wondering what could have happened!
AT: oH, i SEE,
AT: lIKE WHEN I TOLD JADE ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR HER,
AT: i, uHHHH, kIND OF REGRET IT,
AT: bUT, i THINK I SEE THAT I WOULD HAVE REGRETTED NOT SAYING IT MORE,
AT: aND ALSO NOW I AM LEARNING A LOT ABOUT THING BECAUSE OF IT,
AT: sO MAYBE IT WAS FOR THE BEST,
EB: maybe!
EB: wait...
EB: you have feelings for jade?
AT: uHHHH,
EB: oh snap!
EB: looks like karkat’s diagram will need some updating!
AT: i HAVE TO GO NOW,

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

EB: heh heh heh.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Hello.
AG: Y8u again!
AG: What do you want this time?
AG: I don’t need any more of your help.
AG: So far it’s gotten me haunted, blown up, and nearly eviscer8ed!!!!!!!!
And made you into a living god.
AG: No.
AG: I did that!
AG: M8!
AG: You had nothing to d8 with it!
AG: And now I supp8se you’ll tell me it was p8rt of your pl8n all along.
AG: Well, you can just go away!
AG: G8 away and never c8me 8ack!
Fine.
Enjoy being doomed.
AG: Oh, was that not part of your precious plan?
AG: Did something g8 wrong? ::::)
Remember: he’s already here.
AG: What?
He’s already here.
No matter what you do, there will always be a timeline where the demon descends on your world.
And the sooner this doomed timeline runs its course the sooner we can all get back to the main one.
One where you matter.
AG: What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to get me to kill more of my friends? Or may8e commit suicide?
Face the facts: in some timeline out there you are the creator of your greatest foe and one of the most important players.
But here you have been pushed into the background in favor of rapping strongmen and meddlesome bureaucrats.
This timeline is destined to end sooner or later, reverting things to how they’re supposed to be. I am offering you a chance to help end this farce early.
That’s all.
AG: Screw you!
Of course. That was always going to be your response.
You won’t feel that way after the death of your apprentice.
AG: John?
In the main timeline he has a purpose to serve. But here he is as irrelevant as you are.
AG: Yeah, r8ght. You can’t do anything by yourself.
AG: Th8t’s why you always used me to do your dirty w8rk.
To the contrary. I am omnipotent. And your friend is doomed.
Goodbye.
AG: Your threats don’t scare me!
AG: I’m not afraid, do you hear me!
AG: I’m not afr8!

show spoiler

hide spoiler

CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

CCG: RIGHT.
CCG: WE WILL BE USING THIS BOARD BECAUSE IT SEEMS MORE APPROPRIATE TO THE SITUATION AT HAND.
CCG: AND ALSO BECAUSE THE OTHER ONE IS ALL CLOGGED UP WITH THE SUBCOMMITTEE BULLSHIT.
CCG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH ALL THESE SUBCOMMITTEES?
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: We Have Discussed The Subcommittee Structure Before
CGA: All Complaints About The Organization Should Be Placed Into The Designated Dropbox
CCG: YOU ARE GETTING AWAY WITH SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE’RE IN A LOT MORE TROUBLE RIGHT NOW.
CCG: LOOK ALIVE PEOPLE, THE G-HOUR IS HERE!
CCG: GAMZEE IS OFFICIALLY OFF HIS NUT.
CCG: THIS MEANS THAT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, ALL TRAVEL TO ANY OTHER ROOM FOR ANY REASON IS SUSPENDED.
CCG: WE SHOULD BE SAFE HERE. WITH VRISKA AND ERIDAN NUKING, EQUIUS AND HIS STUPID ROBOTS TANKING, ARADIA DEBUFFING, AND THER REST OF US FLANKING, GAMZEE WOULDN’T LAST AGAINST ALL OF US.
CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTA: KK, none of thii2 ii2 new2 two anyone.
CTA: we all know thii2 2tuff already.
CTA: we were the one2 who had two walk gamzee to hii2 de2iignated posiitiion.
CTA: iit’2 you and terezii who were mi22iing agaiin2t your own stupiid rule2.
PAST centaursTesticle 2 [PCT] 1:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
PCT: D --> As the safety commissioner I am FORCED to give you both safety demerits
CCG: LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FUCKING DEMERITS.
CCG: OH, LOOK, EVERYONE, COMMISSIONER SWEATY AND HIS SIDEKICK THE FLIGHTY FELINE ARE GOING TO COME DOWN ON ME.
PCT: D --> As of several minutes ago, three safety demerits are punishable by a five minute timeout
CCG: SERIOUSLY?
PCT: D --> In the robot part pile
CCG: OH.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: H3H H3H H3H.
CGC: K4RK4T 4ND 1 H4V3 B33N DO1NG SOM3TH1NG TH4T 1S WORTH 4NY 4MOUNT OF T1M3 SP3NT 1N 4 P1L3!
CGC: W3 H4V3 B33N S34RCH1NG FOR A W4Y TO CUR3 OUR D34R L11TL3 G4MZ33
CGC: 4ND G3T H1M B4CK TO H1S USU4L S1LLY S3LF!
CTA: plea2e tell me you found iit.
CCG: OH, WE FOUND IT!
CCG: LUCKILY GAMZEE HAPPENED TO EAT A PIECE OF PIE IN THE FURTHEST, DEEPEST LAB IN THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE.
CCG: AND THEN DROP IT LIKE THE CLUMSY BUFFOON HE IS.
CCG: NOT THAT IT WAS EASY.
CCG: EVERY FUCKING MOSTER INSIDE THIS METEOR SEEMED TO HAVE BROKEN OUT AND DECIDED TO ATTACK US.
CCG: BUT WE STILL PULLED IT OFF.
CCG: BECAUSE WE’RE AWESOME LIKE THAT.
[??] apocalypseArisen [?AA] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?AA: excuse me
?AA banned CTC from responding to memo.
?AA: this c0nversation sh0uld n0t be interrupted
CCG: OKAY, I ACTUALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
CCG: BUT I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE ALLOW THE TIME SUBCOMMITTEE SO MUCH INDEPENDENCE.
CCG: JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN ALL TRAVEL THROUGH TIME DOESN’T MEAN YOU ALL HAVE TO BE ASSHOLES ABOUT IT.
CCG: IT’S NOT LIKE THE REST OF US CAN’T JUST TALK TO ANYONE ANYWHERE.
?AA: this makes for g00d practice
?AA: ribbit
?AA: excuse me
CCG: PRACTICE FOR WHAT?
?AA: we call it plan epil0gue
?AA: but y0u are n0t yet equipped to understand the details
?AA: just wait f0r it
CCG: FINE, WHATEVER.
[??] turntechGodhead [?TG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?TG: excuse me
?TG banned FTC from responding to memo.
?TG: also i have to say
?TG: don’t start your gamzee hunt yet
?TG: i know you’re excited about it but just wait a couple hours
?TG: you are all going to be dealing with so much shit you’ll hardly have time for genocidal clowns
CCG: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
CCG: HOLD ON, I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE THE LAST OF THE TERRIBLE TRIO SHOWS UP.
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG: THERE.
CCG: NOT THAT THERE IS MUCH POINT IN CONTINUING THIS SINCE MY BRILLIANT PLAN JUST GOT SHOT DOWN.
[??] turntechGodhead [?TG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
?TG: excuse me
?TG unbanned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG: IT’S OFFICIAL.
CCG: EVERYONE WHO CAN TIME TRAVEL SUCKS.
PAST terminallyCapricious [FTC] 0:38:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: HeLlO
CCG: OH GOD!
PTC: ChIlL bRoThEr
PTC: AlL Is rElAtIvElY WeLl
PTC: I HaVe pRaYeD To tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg aUtHoRiTiEs
PTC: aNd wAs pRoMiSeD MoRe pIe
PTC: NoW I’m jUsT KiNd oF ChIlLiNg hErE MySeLf
PTC: WaItInG FoR ThE MoThErFuCkInG FuTuRe
PTC: AnD It oCcUrS To mE
PTC: wHeN YoU Do wHaT YoU NeEd tO Do
PTC: EqUiUs sHoUlD UsE HiS BoW
CCG: WHAT THE HELL?
CCG: DID YOU TRANSFORM ALREADY?
CCG: EQUIUS IS FUCKING USELESS WITH HIS BOW AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!
CCG: ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE US?
PCT: D --> As much e%crutiating pain as it causes me, I have to agree
PCT: D --> I sh001d not be relying on a method that has proved so disastrous in the past at such a critical juncture
PCT: D --> Even if it is the noblest of all arts
PTC: HeY I Am jUsT ThE MoThErFuCkInG MeSsEnGeR
PTC: BuT FoR WhAt iT Is wOrTh i tHiNk yOu sHoUlD TrUsT Me
PTC: AfTeR AlL YoU NeVeR KnOw wHeN YoU WiLl eNcOuNtEr a
PTC: MiRaClE
PTC: HoNK :o)

PTC closed memo.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Gamzee Luna!
Tavros - Hogwart's Magical Stairs!
I am all over all of these!

@Septimus: Loving your Tavros voice, and the way that more subcommittees seem to have cropped up between chapters while no one was looking. Kanaya's out of control, I tells you!


Re HiHH: Just finished the updated and preferably final chapter outline, though I still need to rearranged the pesterlogs. ...Kind of hoping certain factors in RL don't throw me on this because I'd sort of like to see it through now that I'm sure of what I'm doing. The nut that needs cracking that I keep alluding to is now Chapter 16, the same number of chapters as there are kids and trolls. I thought that was nice.

[Path]

Open Pesterlog

show spoiler

hide spoiler

blueCaboose [BC] began pestering badassLeader [BL]
BC: Uhhh, Church
BL: OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK NOW CABOOSE?
BC: We have babies
BL: ...
BL: What
BC: Babies, I made some. They're so cute
BC: Oh I'll call this one Church. He looks just like you.
BL: Fucking hell you idiot don't touch them, you'll end up making us all retarded or something.
BC: Uh oh...
BL: Don't tell me, you picked up one of them and dropped it on his head.
BC: I won't tell you then.
BC: But how did you know.
BL: Dammit Caboose.

Damn that was horrible, but it's been months since I watched any Red vs Blue.

I think everybody here but me is exceptionally good at transcribing character talk. I could hear the voices, Wigmund. Red Team next? ?

[SeptimusMagistos]

@Septimus: Loving your Tavros voice, and the way that more subcommittees seem to have cropped up between chapters while no one was looking. Kanaya's out of control, I tells you!

When I write Kanaya, I picture her as Troll Ponder Stibbons.

[draconicAlgorithm]

-Mistake-

Whoops.

You gave me an idea.

People who give me ideas never see another sunrise.

Because they are blinded by horrible writing.

Juxtaposition

show spoiler

hide spoiler

It was a complicated spell. So much could go wrong. It wasn't unheard of for it to summon a raging bull, or a pile of tadpoles, or a violent, nigh-nuclear explosion. But if there was one person, one wizard on the face of the planet that could handle the complicated, difficult, exhausting spellwork, it would certainly not be Ron Weasley.

But, despite the grave danger to the nation, his house, and/or amphibians, Ronald Weasley was attempting the spell. And dull as he was, the major reason he was doing it was because he could. There wasn't any plot behind it. He simply wanted to prove that he wasn't a bumbling idiot.

He waved his wand vaguely in the directing of the T.B Box Hermione had picked up from the eleckey tronic Store and shrunk back, expecting the worst. However, what happened was far from worse. In fact it was rather benign. The telemavision turned itself on and Ron settled into the soft couch to watch the Soccer World Cup. Not as good as quidditch, but it worked well enough.

He was interrupted, though, by a small grey child running through the house. Ron sighed. Ever since the meteor strike, things hadn't been the same. The introduction of Kanaya into their lives had changed just about everything. And level-headed as she was, Rose Weasley somehow got under her nerves in a way nobody else ever could. No-one could understand it but Rose herself. And she wasn't telling.

Mostly due to the fact she couldn't stop laughing.

There was a crash from inside the kitchen. Ron sighed and prepared himself for the epic task of turning off the T.B

__________________________________________________ _________________

"Gamzee, would you get the Narglecatcher for me?"

"WhY nOt. I'lL gEt YoUr MiRaClE cAtChEr, MiSs LoVeGoOd."

And that's all that needs to be said about this one.

I am most certainly not blinded. Or maybe I am and I'm just licking the screen now. You'll never really know.

BUT IRREGARDLESS REGARDLESS, that was amazingly adorable. x3

[Embargo]

We're feeling very crossover-y in here. Gears turning. Ideas flowing. Hopes raised. Hands typing.

Will report back when I have something not sculpted from rivers of flowing excrement.

[Violet CLM]

Right, taking a break from Kanaya the Rainbow Drinker Slayer while waiting to see if we'll get any canonical information about how rainbow drinkers actually work, so here's some practice writing Terezi that descended into an overlong argument.

P1NB4LL wiizard2

show spoiler

hide spoiler

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinApocalypses [TA]

GC: UGGHH SOLLUX YOU 4R3 S3R1OUSLY TH3 WORST P1NB4LL PL4Y3R 3V3R
GC: YOU N33D TO G3T OV3R B31NG BL1ND 4ND G3T 1N TOUCH W1TH YOUR S3NS3S
GC: TURN TH4T 0_0 1NTO 4 0U0
TA: that look2 2tupiiiid, tz.
TA: you need two leave me alone.
TA: when you were bliinded, you had your 2tupiid fuckiing lu2u2 two help you learn two 2en2e 2hiit.
TA: ii don’t have anyone, all riight?
TA: ii’m totally alone.
TA: oh god, that 2ounded pathetiic, never miind.
TA: look, the poiint ii2, iit took you how long two learn two get around agaiin?
TA: week2?
TA: a 2ea2on?
TA: two?
GC: 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T4K3S H3R T1M3 1N 4LL TH1NGS
GC: OTH3RW1S3 W3 RUN TH3 R1SK OF L3TT1NG 4 CR1M1N4L GO FR33
GC: >:D
GC: B3S1D3S
GC: 4R3NT YOU TH3 ON3 W1TH 4LL TH3 SUP3R SP3C14L PSYCH1C POW3RS
GC: TH3Y SHOULD H3LP YOU L34RN F4ST3R
GC: SOLLUX MCSLOWP4NTS
TA: don't fucking insult a blind guy, tz.
TA: being blind isn't as easy as you make it out to be.
GC: H3H3H3H3
GC: 1T S33MS PR3TTY 34SY TO M3
GC: M4YB3 1TS JUST NOT TO YOUR
GC:
GC:
TA: not two my what, tz.
TA: thii2 ii2 a pretty u2ele22 conver2atiion iif you won't even fiinii2h your 2entence2.
GC: SHUT UP 1T 1S H4RD TO DO DR4M4T1C P4US3S WH3N YOU DONT TYP3 P3R1ODS OK4Y
GC:
GC:
GC: T4ST3 >;D
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
TA: uggh, ii ought never two have agreed two thii2 2tupiid piinball 2hiit.
TA: you're ju2t makiing fun of me.
TA: how ii2 a bliind guy 2uppo2ed two play piinball?
TA: thii2 make2 no fuckiing 2en2e.
GC: SUCH 4 WH1N3R
GC: SOLLUX TH3 WORLD 1S 4 B34UT1FUL PL4C3
GC: 1T 1S POS1T1V3LY FR4GR4NT
GC: FL4GR4NTLY FR4GR4NT >;D
GC: YOUR FRUSTR4T1ON K1ND OF SM3LLS L1K3 POO THOUGH
GC: JUST T4K3 4 WH1FF
TA: how the hell can you even 2mell fru2tratiion?
TA: thii2 ii2 2o iidiiotiic.
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL 3V3RYTH1NG
GC: 4ND WH4T 1 DO NOT SM3LL 1 T4ST3
GC: 1T 1S D3L1C1OUS BY TH3 W4Y
GC: 4LL OF 1T
GC: YOU COULD TOO BUT YOU PROB4BLY CLOGG3D UP YOUR NOS3 W1TH STUP1D M1ND HON3Y
TA: 2hut up about the damn miind honey.
GC: WHY SHOULD 1 T3LL 4 BOSSY TROLL L1K3 YOU HOW TO PL4Y P1NB4LL
GC: >:O
GC: HMMM
GC: OH R1GHT
GC: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 4 BL1ND PROPH3T NOW
GC: SO ST4RT 4CT1NG L1K3 1T
TA: what the hell do you mean act liike iit?
TA: ii'm a bliind prophet, that ii2 all there ii2 two 2ay on the matter.
GC: H3H3H3
GC: 1 H4V3 HUNG SC4L3M4T3S WHO COULD B3 BL1ND PROPH3TS B3TT3R TH4N YOU
GC: 4ND R1GHT NOW YOU WOULD JUST W4LK 1NTO TH3M H4NG1NG FROM MY TR33
TA: no fuck ii would run iintwo them, tz, ii'm bliind.
TA: you don't 2eem two under2tand not everyone ha2 fuckiing magiical no2e2 or lu2u2 or whatever.
TA: my lu2u2 wa2 a total moron who couldn't help me 2ee even iif he wa2 2tiill aliive.
TA: whiich he'2 not.
TA: 2o get the hell off your hiigh hoofbea2t.
GC: UGGGGH YOU 4R3 4 TOT4L 4SSHOL3
GC: S3R1OUSLY 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WHY K4RK4T PUTS UP W1TH YOU
GC: H3R3 1 4M 4 P3RF3CTLY N1C3 G1RL
TA: yeah, ii don't thiink 2o.
GC: TRY1NG TO H3LP 4 POOR K1D WHOS GOTT3N H1MS3LF BL1ND3D
GC: D1DNT 1 T3LL YOU TO SHUT UP
GC: 4R3 YOU T3LL1NG 4 BL1ND G1RL SH3S NOT N1C3
GC: 4NYW4Y
GC: H3LP H1M OV3R 4 N1C3 G4M3 OF P1NB4LL
GC: BR34K1NG H4LF 4 M1LL1ON L4WS 4BOUT CULL1NG TH3 W34K 1N TH3 PROC3SS 1 M1GHT 4DD >:V
GC: 4ND DO3S H3 TH4NK M3
TA: you're damn riight ii don't thank you.
TA: you're ju2t u2iing thii2 dumb piinball thiing a2 an excu2e two piick on me.
TA: who the fuck care2 about bliind prophet2?
TA: ii could 2ee the future a liittle iin 2grub after that priick eriidan bliinded me.
TA: iit helped u2 out a couple tiime2.
TA: that'2 all!
GC: L1ST3N M1ST3R
GC: YOU D1SS TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS ON3 MOR3 T1M3 4ND 1 W1LL H4V3 TH3 L4W ON YOUR GR4Y L1COR1C3 4SS
GC: D:<
GC: S33 1 TURN3D MY WHOL3 F4C3 4ROUND JUST TO SHOW HOW UPS3T 1 4M
GC: 3R1D4N H4D NOTH1NG 4ND K3PT TRY1NG TO CONV1NC3 US H3 W4S 3V3RYTH1NG
GC: BUT YOU H4V3 3V3RYTH1NG 4ND 4LW4YS TH1NK YOU H4V3 NOTH1NG
GC: TH1S H4S H4PP3N3D M4NY T1M3S SOLLUX
GC: 3V3RY D4Y 1 COM3 1NTO TH3 ROOM 4ND TH3R3 1S 4 TH1CK ST1NKY CLOUD OF YOUR M1S3RY
GC: YOU H4T3D YOURS3LF WH3N 4R4D14 W4S FLUSH3D FOR YOU
GC: YOU H4T3D YOURS3LF WH3N F3F3R1 W4S SO FLUSH3D 1 COULD T4ST3 1T
GC: ON 4NYTH1NG SH3 H4D TOUCH3D
GC: HOURS L4T3R
GC: 4ND NOW YOUR3 4 BL1ND PROPH3T 4ND YOU ST1LL TH1NK 3V3RYTH1NG SUCKS
GC: N3WSFL4SH SOLLUX
GC: SOM3T1M3S 1TS NOT TH3 WORLD TH4T SUCKS
GC: SOM3T1M3S 1TS YOU
GC: B4NG B4NG C4S3 CLOS3D TH3 D3F3ND4NT 1S S3NT3NC3D TO THR33 G4M3S OF P1NB4LL W1TH TH3 PROS3CUT1ON FOR B4D B3H4V1OR
GC: TH4NK YOU YOUR HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY
GC: *L1CKS*
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
TA: all riight, tz, ii'll play along wiith your 2iilly game2.
TA: why the hell 2hould ii care about beiing a bliind prophet?
TA: and don't do that liicky thiing at me; iit'2 creepy a2 hell.
GC: L1CK L1CK L1CK
GC: SORRY
GC: 1 GU3SS TH4T W4S 4 B1T RUD3
GC: >:[
GC: LOOK SOLLUX
GC: YOU KNOW 1M GO1NG TO B3 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR
GC: TH3 B3ST L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 3V3R
GC: W1TH K4RK4T 4S MY THR3SH3CUT1ON3R NO ON3 W1LL STOP US
GC: BUT 1 TYP3 W1TH TH3 NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS
TA: yeah, ii've notiiced tho2e 2tupiid number2.
GC: YOU ST1NK OF HYPOCR1SY >:]
GC: BUT YOU 4R3 D1STR4CT1NG M3 FROM MY PO1NT
GC: WH1CH 1S
GC: YOUR HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY 4 DRUMROLL PL34S3
GC: BOOM BOOM BOOM
GC: TH4NK YOU YOUR HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY
GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY 1 C4NNOT L1CK YOU 4S 1S TR4D1T1ON4L B3C4US3 TH3 D3F3ND4NT 1S B31NG 4 J3RK
GC: BUT MOR3 1MPORT4NTLY
GC: MY PO1NT 1S
GC: TH1NK OF HOW M4NY TH1NGS YOU COULD S33 1N SGRUB
GC: 1M4G1N3 WH4T COULD H4V3 B33N 1F 1 H4D 4LW4YS H4D TH4T POW3R
GC: 1 M34N 1F YOU H4D 4LW4YS H4D 1T
GC: SORRY
GC: 1M4G1N3 1F 1 COULD H4V3 W4RN3D MY LUSUS 4BOUT TH4T M3T3OR
GC: 1M4G1N3 1F 1 COULD H4V3 P3RSU4D3D VR1SK4 NOT TO CR1PPL3 POOR T4VROS
GC: 1M4G1N3 HOW M4NY CR1M3S COULD B3 SOLV3D B3FOR3 TH3Y 3V3N H4PP3N3D
GC: 1 4M 4LW4YS G3TT1NG SURPR1S3D
GC: 1 GU3SS 1T 1S JUST 1N MY N4TUR3 TO H4V3 SURPR1S1NG TH1NGS H4PP3N 4ROUND M3
GC: BUT YOU H4V3 TH3 POW3RS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS
GC: L1K3 TH3 ON3S MY LUSUS WOULD T3LL M3 4BOUT WH1L3 1 SL3PT
GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS W3R3 TH3 F1RST ON3S TO T4M3 TH3 DR4GONYYYDS
GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y GOT 4LONG B3C4US3 TH3Y W3R3 BOTH BL1ND
GC: JUST L1K3 W3 SHOULD B3 G3TT1NG 4LONG
GC: W3LL TH3 DR4GONYYYDS W3R3 BL1ND 4T B1RTH 4NYW4Y BUT TH4TS PR3TTY CLOS3
GC: SO STOP YOUR COMPL41N1NG 4ND PL4Y SOM3 P1NB4LL
TA: god damn iit tz now ii feel liike a jerk.
TA: iit'2 liike ii'm alway2 beliittliing 2hiit that other people care about.
TA: why the hell do people even put up wiith me?
GC: H3Y STOP TH4T >:[
GC: H3R3 SOLLUX 1 PROPOS3 4 D34L
GC: YOU DO NOT S4Y 4NYTH1NG M34N 4BOUT YOURS3LF
GC: OR M3
GC: >:]
GC: > :]
GC: 4ND 1 W1LL 4GR33 NOT TO L1CK YOU
GC: OR WOND3R HOW YOU C4N W34R THOS3 SUNGL4SS3S 4ND Y3T NOT B3 4 COOLK1D
GC: DO W3 H4V3 4 D34L
TA: yeah, all riight, 2ure.
TA: god, ii mu2t be 2uch a paiin two put up wiith 2ometiime2.
TA: let'2 try thii2 agaiin.
TA: how the hell doe2 a bliind kiid play piinball?
GC: W3LL 1 TH1NK 1T W1LL B3 D1FF3R3NT FOR YOU
GC: 1 JUST T4K3 4 LONG LUXUR1OUS L1CK OF TH3 WHOL3 T4BL3
GC: 4ND F1GUR3 OUT WH3R3 3V3RYTH1NG 1S
GC: FL1PP3RS 4ND W4LLS 4ND 4X3S 4ND TH3 L1K3
GC: 4ND TH3N FROM TH3R3 1 S1MPLY FOLLOW TH3 B4LL BY SM3LL
GC: 4S 1T BOUNC3S OFF OF 4LL TH3 STR4WB3RR13S 4ND COTTON C4NDY 4ND W4LNUTS
GC: OOH 4 P1NB4LL T4BL3 1S SUCH 4 W1LD COLORFUL D3L1GHT SOLLUX YOU H4V3 NO 1D34
TA: yeah, no, ii don't.
TA: ii'm tryiing two u2e my future 2eeiing power2 two play, all riight?
TA: but iit'2 really hard.
TA: ii can barely walk around wiithout hiittiing anyone, how can ii be expected two play piinball?
GC: Y34H 1 DONT UND3RST4ND TH4T P4RT
GC: B4CK 1N TH3 L4B YOU COULD G3T 4ROUND F1N3
GC: TH3 FUTUR3 W4S 4N OP3N P3RFUM3 BOTTL3 TO YOU
GC: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO 4LL TH4T
TA: oh, hell, you don't under2tand a thiing about tiime, do you?
GC: TRY M3 >:]
TA: all riight.
TA: back iin 2grub, everythiing we diid wa2 de2tiined from the 2tart, becau2e we were iin the alpha tiimeliine.
TA: that'2 how aradiia could jump around liike that.
TA: the future wa2 already 2et iin 2tone.
TA: becau2e of that iit wa2 chiild'2 play two know what wa2 about two happen.
TA: and ii diidn't run iintwo thiing2 becau2e ii would already know that ii wouldn't.
TA: iit wouldn't have made any 2en2e iif ii ran iintwo 2omethiing even knowiing about iit iin advance.
TA: 2o ii ju2t diidn't.
TA: iit'2 not liike that now.
TA: haven't you notiiced that kk'2 cro22-tiimeliine memo 2y2tem ii2n't workiing anymore?
TA: the future ii2n't predetermiined anymore.
TA: there'2 no more certaiinty.
GC: >:O
GC: WH4T DO3S 1T LOOK L1K3
TA: before, ii diidn't 2ee thiing2 iin one place.
TA: ii 2aw theiir future trace2 a2 they moved from where they were then two where they would be later.
TA: that'2 how ii could look at a 2pot and 2ee when jack would arriive and who would fend hiim off.
TA: and ii could tell them two do that, becau2e ii'd already 2een them do iit.
TA: iif ii wanted two fiind 2omeone ii'd ju2t have two fiind a 2pot on theiir trace and follow iit untiil ii caught up two them or they two me.
TA: now iit'2 all fuzzy.
TA: ii 2ee where thiing2 miight go, and ii 2ee what would happen that would make them go there.
TA: but ii al2o 2ee a miilliion other place2 they miight go.
TA: oh, 2hiit, ii ju2t realiized 2omethiing.
GC: WH4T
GC: TH1S 1S 4LL V3RY D3L1C1OUS SOLLUX PL34S3 T3LL M3 MOR3
GC: SORRY 1 M34N 1NT3R3ST1NG
TA: you're liickiing your 2creen agaiin, aren't you?
GC: M4YB3 4 L1TTL3 >:]
GC: BUT WH4T D1D YOU R34L1Z3
TA: dammiit, tz, you have no iidea how hard iit ii2 two repaiir the2e thiing2.
TA: the bee2 alone co2t a fortune.
TA: anyway, ii thiink part of the rea2on talkiing two you ii2 2o fru2tratiing
TA: ii2 that you're 2o hard two prediict.
TA: a lot of our friiend2 work ju2t liike algoriithm2.
TA: iif ii'm talkiing wiith kk, he'll 2ay a lot of angry 2tuff and then apologiize, regular a2 clockwork.
TA: ii look iintwo the probabiiliity 2pace and there'2 not a lot of variiatiion.
TA: ii'm alway2 pretty 2ure what he'll 2ay next.
TA: but talkiing two you ii2 liike 2tariing iintwo a fuckiing kaleiido2cope. there are alway2 a miilliion thiing2 you could 2ay, and iit all depend2 on what mood 2triike2 you next.
TA: and ii don't under2tand giirl2' emotiion2 at all, 2o ii'm fuckiing helple22.
TA: waiit, dammiit, forget ii 2aiid that la2t thiing ii 2aiid!
GC: H3H3H3H3
GC: NOT L1K3LY >:D
GC: BUT DONT WORRY 1 WONT T3LL 4NYON3
GC: MY L1PS 4R3 S34L3D
GC: M3T4PHOR1C4LLY 1 M34N
GC: R34LLY TH3YR3 USU4LLY OP3N
GC: BUT TH1S FUZZY FUTUR3 TH1NG
GC: WH1CH BY TH3 W4Y SOUNDS SO 1NCR3D1BLY YUMMY
GC: WHY DONT YOU JUST LOOK 4T TH3 FUTUR3 YOU W4NT 4ND S33 WH4T WOULD H4V3 TO H4PP3N FOR 1T TO OCCUR
GC: 4ND TH3N DO THOS3 TH1NGS
GC: 4NOTH3R PROBL3M SOLV3D BY TH3 4LM1GHTY L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T3R3Z1 PYROP3
TA: ...
TA: 2hiit, tz, that'2 actually a good iidea.
TA: now ii under2tand why kk keep2 you around.
TA: uh, no offen2e meant.
TA: ii ju2t mean that ii re2pect your iintellect and abiiliity a2 a leader.
GC: H3H3H3H3
GC: DONT GO G3TT1NG 4NY 1D34S M1ST3R 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST
GC: JUST1C3 M4Y B3 BL1ND BUT TH4T DO3SNT M34N LOV3 1S
GC: >:]
GC: 4LTHOUGH THOS3 SUNGL4SS3S YOUR3 SPORT1NG 4R3 4WFULLY F3TCH1NG 1 MUST 4DM1T
TA: okay, ii'm not goiing two bother wiith your dumb niickname2 riight now.
TA: ii'm goiing two try thii2 iidea of your2 wiith the maniipulatiion.
TA: ii've never triied takiing a hold of my own future but ii gue22 iit miight work.
TA: iif ii can 2ee how two make the ball go where ii want iit two go, then ii can know when two hiit the fliipper2.
TA: hold on, ii'll be riight back after ii try thii2 out.
GC: 4LL R1GHT M34N MR MUST4RD
GC: TH4T 1S 4 N3W N1CKN4M3 FOR YOU BY TH3 W4Y
GC: SO 1 DO NOT KNOW 1F 1T 1S DUMB OR NOT
GC: 4ND C4N TH3R3FOR3 US3 1T
GC: H3H3H3
GC: YOU PL4Y YOUR T4BL3 YOUR W4Y
GC: BUT 1 B3T 1LL ST1LL G3T 4 B3TT3R SCOR3 TH4N YOU
TA: yeah, maybe riight now.
TA: but ii'm the goddamn bliind prophet around here and ii 2ee a lot of po22iibiiliitiie2 of my gettiing even better than you.
GC: PO2211B11L11T1132 H3H3H3H3
GC: SO M4NY NUMB3RS SOLLUX YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO G1V3 M3 4 H34D4CH3
GC: BUT 1 4M NOT WORR13D 4BOUT YOU G3TT1NG B3TT3R TH4N M3 4T P1NB4LL
GC: B3C4US3 3V3N 1F TH4T DO3S H4PP3N
GC: TH3R3 4R3 4 WHOL3 HOST OF OTH3R G4M3S OUT TH3R3 FOR YOU TO L34RN
GC: DO NOT TH1NK 1 H4V3 NOTH1NG L3FT TO T34CH YOU
GC: WH3N 1 4M DON3 W3 W1LL B3 TH3 COOL3ST OF COOLK1DS
GC: TH3Y W1LL C4LL US TH3 BL1ND BROS >:] >:]
GC: 4ND 3V3RYON3 W1LL TR3MBL3 B3FOR3 US
GC: 4ND 1T W1LL SM3LL SOOOOOOO D3L3CT4BL3 YOU C4NNOT POSS1BLY 4PPR3C14T3 1T
GC: H3H3H3
TA: tz, the bliind bro2 ii2 the mo2t retarded name that you have come up wiith yet.
TA: no conte2t.
TA: anyway, ii'll talk two you later, and you had better be ready two hand your piinball crown two me.
GC: WH4T
GC: N3V3R
GC: 1T 1S 4 SP3C14L CROWN M4D3 OF TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS OR4NG3 M4RM4L4D3
GC: W3 W1LL T4LK L4T3R SOLLUX 1F YOU R34LLY W4NT MY CROWN
GC: WH1CH 1 TOT4LLY DO H4V3
GC: GOODBY3 >:D

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling twinApocalypses [TA]

[Jim Groovester]

This fic don't stop for nobody. Least of all me.

The Sapphire of Alternia, Part 3

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Problem Sleuth walks to Murdered Courier’s apartment. It’s not far, and a good gumshoe’s gotta walk the streets once in a while, to stay low to the ground. Keep a finger on the pulse of the city. Get gum on his shoes. If he takes a taxi around everywhere, he’ll miss the sights and sounds of the city. It reminds Problem Sleuth that it isn’t all bad in this town, that there are people who don’t cheat on each other and don’t have gambling debts and don’t have blood on their hands.

Everybody in this town has something in common. And it’s good to know there are people who are trying to make something good out of it. It’s a bright, sunny day, and it almost makes him happy.

He stops before a building, and checks the address. This is Murdered Courier’s building. He heads inside and walks up to the fourth floor. He walks through the corridors until he finds Murdered Courier’s apartment. He twists the doorknob, but it’s locked.

Problem Sleuth: Use lockpicking set.

You don’t have a lockpicking set. All you have is this belt full of handguns of various makes and models stuck in your coat. All useful for opening up the chests of surly thugs, but not much good for peacefully unlocking a door.

Since the police are going to eventually make their way here, you don’t really want to let them know you’ve been here. If there’s a broken lock in this town it’s a fair guess you probably had something to do with it.

Problem Sleuth: Use handguns on door lock.

You stick your lockpicking tools into the lock, and jiggle around with it for a few minutes. You manage to get the deadbolt open, but as you pull the tools out they break in the lock. You try to open the door, but the broken bits of metal are jamming the doorknob and preventing it from turning.

You decide you should probably find another way in. You probably shouldn't have bothered trying to unlock the door in the first place.

Problem Sleuth descends to the sidewalk and starts searching the alleys surrounding the building. He finds a fire escape on the north side of the building that leads to Courier’s apartment. He quickly climbs the fire escape.

He peers through the window into the apartment. Looks pretty average. There’s a couch, a radio, a messy kitchen. Problem Sleuth pushes up on the window but there’s a string keeping the window closed. As far as forced entries go, broken strings are much less conspicuous than broken locks. Problem Sleuth pushes harder until the string snaps and the window slides upward. He steps inside.

Problem Sleuth: Examine apartment.

It looks a lot like your apartment, to be honest. You feel kinship with this man for having an apartment uncompromisingly dirty, yet with its own internal organization that only men who don’t care about tidiness can recognize.

Problem Sleuth takes a seat on the couch and starts rummaging through the messy coffee table. There are newspapers days old scattered across it, along with scraps of paper detailing grocery lists, reminders, and doodles. Sleuth looks underneath the table and finds stacks of news magazines from the last decade.

He stops by the front door and looks at the wilting potted plant. There’s a small table holding a phone and some mail. Underneath the phone there’s a note: Call Jenna. Must be some kind of acronym. Sleuth pockets the note, not letting any potential lead or red herring go unpocketed.

Sleuth moves to the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator. There’s some orange juice, milk, eggs. Some gross moldy leftover thing just rotting in there. He looks to the counter. Coffee, bread, dirty plates in the sink, getting washed as needed. He opens the drawers, seeing only pots and pans and plates and silverware. He opens the cupboards, seeing cups and cans and boxes of food.

Sleuth walks into the bathroom. Aside from being dirty, there’s nothing interesting in there. He picks up a can of a substance and wonders what the hell this guy needs shaving cream for before putting it back.

He heads into the bedroom. He looks at the bed. It’s unmade.

Problem Sleuth: Check the mattresses.

From years of honing your hardboiled detective skills you know that if a man is looking to hide something it’s going to be in the mattress.

Wait, this guy was murdered, and you don’t think he was expecting it. Why would he be hiding anything in his own apartment?

You lift up the mattress anyway just to make sure.

Problem Sleuth checks under the mattress and under the bed, and only finds shoes and clothes and other random bits of household detritus that slowly end up under there. A bed has its own peculiar pull on objects around it, and if left unchecked, things will naturally end up there of their own accord.

Problem Sleuth turns his attention towards the desk in the room. He pulls the chair out and sits down. This must have been where the man conducted his business. There’s pens and pencils, papers with numbers and addresses on them, scissors and masking tape. Murdered Courier apparently was worried about shipping dangerous cargo. His hunch was right, although it looks like he couldn’t do anything about it last night despite his caution.

He opens up the drawers, finds check stubs and receipts, until he finds a stack of notebooks. All but one are completely filled with client information. Their phone numbers, the amount paid, the address to, the address from, how urgently the package needed delivering. Sleuth flips through the unfilled one, and looks at the last page with writing on it.

Problem Sleuth hears voices and his head instinctively snaps to the sound. He quickly puts the notebooks back into the drawers and returns the desk as best as he can to the state he found it in. He curls up the unfilled notebook and keeps it in his pocket.

Problem Sleuth goes to the door and listens in. Impatient stomping is followed by deliberate tapping followed by heavy thuds and then barely noticeable scraping.

“is this the place” He hears from the other side.

“Of course it is.”

“then somebody open the goddamn door already”

The doorknob shakes.

“YER BEING TOO GENTLE WITH IT”

“It’s not opening.”

“no shit droog” What are the Midnight Crew doing here? “tear open this damn door boxcars”

“Slow down, Slick. The door’s unlocked, the doorknob’s just jammed.”

“well” Slick asks.

“I’ve got some tweezers; I think I can pull whatever’s jamming it out.”

The doorknob shakes again. Problem Sleuth flips the deadbolt to slow the Midnight Crew down.

“WHATS TAKING YOU SO LONG” Boxcars' deep bass echoes.

“I got what was jamming it out but the door’s locked.” Sleuth hears as he quietly makes his way to the window.

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN’T LOCKED?” Clubs Deuce's high tenor asks.

Sleuth carefully exits through the window onto the fire escape. He slowly lowers the window as quietly as possible.

“It wasn’t. Somebody’s already here.” Sleuth hears Diamonds Droog explain.

“LET ME AT IT”

“no get out of the goddamn way ill take care of this” Sleuth finishes closing the window, and watches as a card surfaces from the crack in the door. A two-handed sword cuts off the deadbolt and the door flies open. Sleuth lays down flat on the fire escape beneath the window.

Problem Sleuth: Hide evidence somehow.

What are the Midnight Crew doing here? Are they here to clean up the place before the cops arrive? Are they looking for the murderer on their own?

Whatever the case, you don’t want them to find you or what you’ve already found. You decide it’s probably a good idea to trust in the mail service.

==>

This is an easy decision to make because nobody messes with the mail in this town.

The problem is that you won’t be able to look at your evidence until it gets back to you. But getting it securely in your hands is more important than risking it getting taken away.

You pull out one of many manila envelopes you keep in your coat for just such occasions and stuff Murdered Courier’s client list inside. You seal it close, and think about how you’re going to get to a mail drop box without getting skewered by a deck of playing cards.

Problem Sleuth: Be Clubs Deuce.

You are now Spades Slick.

Whoever this fucker is can pull an impressive disappearing act. But you’re looking real hard to notice anything because you’ll be damned if you let Droog find out where this guy went before you.

Oh, goddammit. He’s already noticed something.

Problem Sleuth nestles himself as close to the brick wall as possible, but the window opens suddenly and a classy man in a suit pops his head out, searching left and right before quickly looking down. He smiles. A frigid rock hits the bottom of Sleuth’s stomach.

“Hello, Problem Sleuth.” He says, icicles practically falling off his voice.

Problem Sleuth gives his best smile. “Nice to see you, Diamonds Droog.”

Problem Sleuth pulls his key out of his pocket. Diamonds Droog ducks back inside as a few new keyholes get made in the brick behind him.

Problem Sleuth rolls up and starts leaping down the flights of the fire escape. He catches sight of an enormous black blur falling down to the asphalt below, and as it smashes into the ground the fire escape shakes. He looks up to see Diamonds Droog holding two cards in his hand, firing both guns at the fleeing private detective. The fire escape sparks as bullets ricochet of the iron.

Hearts Boxcars is waiting at the bottom of the fire escape. Problem Sleuth pulls his key ring out and feels the drum barrel rapidly empty out of bullets. Hearts Boxcars picks up a dumpster as cover, and throws it at the fire escape during a break in fire. Boxcars bellows as the escape busts off its bottom anchors, only to realize Sleuth is already running down the alley the opposite way.

Problem Sleuth turns a corner and falls onto his side as he leaps out of the way of a thrown card that wobbles as it sticks in the bricks behind him. Problem Sleuth quickly picks himself up.

“ive been waiting to do this a long time” Slick says, his deck of cards getting tossed between his hands.

Sleuth pulls the key out of his pocket and points it at Slick. He moves closer and starts circling around Slick. “There’s no reason we can’t just talk this all out.”

“we aint at the ask questions later part yet” Slick settles on his Butterfly Effect knife, flicking it around in his hand. He circles around Sleuth the opposite way.

“For my part,” Slueth says, continuing to circle. “I think we could use a nice, long chat between us. It’s been forever since we last talked. How you been, Slick?”

“shut your fucking trap” Slick says. He grips the Butterfly Effect knife, ready to strike as his feet keep circling around Problem Sleuth.

“Aww, you don’t want to talk? That’s a shame.” Problem Sleuth says. He pockets his key, turns around and runs towards the street.

“oh goddammit” Slick swears.

Clubs Deuce: Catch Problem Sleuth and prove you’re a useful member of the Midnight Crew.

You use your Short Guy Skedaddle, the innate ability for all short sidekicks to run around in a really zany but very fast manner, to catch up to Sleuth.

==>

Problem Sleuth turns around and kicks you in the face.

Problem Sleuth turns a street corner and runs towards a mailbox. He throws the manila envelope inside and keeps running. He looks over his shoulder. He smiles. The Midnight Crew didn’t see his postal drop.

A cab coming down the street from the opposite direction honks its horn. It pulls a U turn in the middle of heavy traffic, and skids alongside Problem Sleuth. A charming black carapace winks her white eyes at Problem Sleuth. “Need a ride?”

Problem Sleuth gets in the back seat. “Just drive. Get me anywhere but here.”

Midnight Crew: Let Problem Sleuth get away.

Diamonds Droog walks up to Spades Slick’s side and pulls the cigarette stub out of his mouth. “That was a smart move, Slick, letting him get away. We can get him later once he knows more.”

Spades Slick grunts unintelligibly and puts a knife at Droog’s throat. “i oughtta let out your blood all over your goddamn suits for saying i let that bastard get away”

Droog drops the stub on the asphalt and grinds it with his shoe. “Look, Slick, sometimes I’m just trying to give you a way to save face.” Droog walks away.

Midnight Crew: Be Problem Sleuth again.

“So what are you in a hurry for?” Transportation Deferrer asks.

“Oh, you know. The usual.” Sleuth says, adjusting his hat.

“Trouble with the law, huh.” She comments.

“You could say that.” Sleuth sits forward and puts his hands on the front seat. “I appreciate you getting my ass out of the fire back there, but here’s the thing. If the Midnight Crew is looking for the same things I am, things are going to get pretty dangerous for me.”

“What’s your point?”

Sleuth takes a breath. “I don’t want you getting dragged into this.”

Deferrer looks back at Sleuth through the rearview mirror. “Is that worry, Problem Sleuth? Are you worried about me?” She begins laughing. “I’ve got the fastest cab and the heaviest foot in all the city and you’re worried about me getting involved in your hardboiled scuffles?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.” Problem Sleuth sits back a bit sheepishly. “Just, try to keep your distance for a little while. I’ll be more than happy to let you drive me around everywhere once things calm down again.”

Transportation Deferrer sighs. “When you put it like that, how can I refuse?” She says. “I’ll try to stay out of trouble. Because you asked so nicely.” She blows him a kiss through the rear view mirror.

“Thanks.”

“So, where’re you going, Sleuth? My place or yours?”

Problem Sleuth shakes his head with a smirk on his face as he thinks about what to do. “Neither. Wealthy Quantifier’s.” He says as he pulls the address out of his pocket and hands it to Deferrer.

“Ooooh.” She mocks, grabbing the address over her shoulder. “Getting the really classy ones, aren’tcha?”

show spoiler

hide spoiler

In the Special Edition of this fic, Diamonds Droog will shoot first, and then later Problem Sleuth and Diamonds Droog will shoot at the same time.

One of the things that stuck out to me when I watched The Big Sleep a while ago is that every woman Sam Spade Philip Marlowe met in the service industry came on to him really hard and in just about the least subtle fashion possible. This is why PM and TD flirt so brazenly with Problem Sleuth all the time.

[Path]

One of the things that stuck out to me when I watched The Big Sleep a while ago is that every woman Sam Spade met in the service industry came on to him really hard and in just about the least subtle fashion possible. This is why PM and TD flirt so brazenly with Problem Sleuth all the time.

All noir women are either nuns or outrageous flirts.
Your mention of The Big Sleep makes me want to do a Murder By Death parody now. Which is genre-appropriately recursive given Murder By Death is itself a parody.

[Wigmund]

I think everybody here but me is exceptionally good at transcribing character talk. I could hear the voices, Wigmund. Red Team next? ?

Ah fuck, why not...

show spoiler

hide spoiler

CURRENT righteousSarge [CRS] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FUCK THEM BLUES
CRS: All right boys, looks like we've find ourselves in some horrifying world populated by strange angry imps
CURRENT glazedDonut [CGD] RIGHT NOW responded to memo
CGD: Aw, come on Sarge. They're not that bad. I mean, maybe they're just trying to be helpful
CURRENT maroonPrivate [CMP] RIGHT NOW responded to memo
CMP: They just dragged off Griff.
CRS: Donut was right then. They are helpful
CURRENT orangeGriff [COG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo
CRS: Wait a moment, that wasn't the handle I gave to you.
CRS: Let me change it.
orangeGriff's handle has been changed to sacrificialLamb
CURRENT sacrificialLamb [CSL] RIGHT NOW responded to memo
CSL: Thank you sarge
CSL: I really needed that
CRS: Nice to know my efforts to have you killed in the most horrifying ways possible are appreciated
CRS: How are those imp things treating you?
CSL: Not too bad, they're kinda nice
CRS: Dammit
CSL: Yeah, they've taken me to this nice pad. It's rather comfy
CGD: Oooh, I want to join
CSL: Oh wait
CRS: Are they starting to cook you alive?
CMP: Sarge, we're probably gonna need Griff alive to complete this game
CRS: But I want him to die
CSL: Oh god, there's this big guy coming into the room
CSL: He's...
CSL: OH GOD COME SAVE ME GUYS
CGD: Ooooh I want to join
FUTURE sacrificialLamb [FSL] 2 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo
FSL: Griff
CSL: Yeah?
FSL: Just close your eyes and think happy thoughts
CSL: Why?
FSL: Trust me...just trust me...
FSL: Excuse me guys, I'm gonna go clean myself off before rejoining you all despite my better judgment telling me to do otherwise
FSL disconnected from memo
CSL: OH GOD THE OGRE...HE'S....
CGD: I want to join
CMP: Hey Sarge?
CRS: Yes Simmons, I'm enjoying this view of the ogre doing horrifying stuff to Griff
CMP: That's nice, but where is Lopez?
CRS: I sent him off to gather supplies and to spy on those damned Blues
CURRENT porqueNomemato [CPN] RIGHT NOW responded to memo
CPN: he decidido que mis posibilidades de supervivencia son mucho mejores si me voy por mi cuenta
CRS: That's right Lopez. You just have to smash those damned things and all sorts of goodies pop out of them
CGD: Sounds like some parties I've attended
CPN: un hombre extraño me ha ofrecido una gran recompensa para matar a todos, que ofrece una fortuna agradable, pero estoy dispuesto a hacerlo de forma gratuita
CRS: You found someone offering you free stuff?
CRS: Send him to Red Base, we need free stuff
CPN: suspiro, lo haré, pero espero que todos ustedes apuñala varias veces
CRS: Good, good. We've got this mission in the bag
CRS: There's nothing that can go wrong now
CSL: OH GOD SAVE ME GUYS!
CRS: Nothing at all

CRS has closed memo

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Thank you Google Translate for Lopez's badly done dialogue
But if I remember correctly, all of his dialogue in RvB was basically badly done high school Spanish

[Decker]

Your mention of The Big Sleep makes me want to do a Murder By Death parody now. Which is genre-appropriately recursive given Murder By Death is itself a parody.

It makes me think about the Big Lebowski.

[ArmsAreLoud]

Fantasy Fulfilled

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Kanaya could not believe it. Not only was she alive again, but she had been gifted with an invitation into the world of the rainbow drinkers! It was an incredible thing. Her fangs were just a bit sharper, and... She felt just a little bit hungry. Quite hungry, really. Famished.

She turned, and found a dead sea troll. She seemed familiar... What was her name? Oh, it did not matter. It is, after all, customary to allow the dead to be used as food. A little bit of blood would not be missed.

Kanaya drained the girl. It was just so wonderful! She desired just a little bit more every time she came close to stopping. Kanaya pressed her hand to the girl's head, insuring the pleasantness of her meal. It was absolutely delectable; she tasted like fine wine, fit for an empress.

When the mertroll had no more blood to give, Kanaya craved for more. She needed more; she was just so hungry. It was then she noticed a pool of green around her; whose blood could this be, Kanaya wondered? It's just lying here, going to waste. All things must be set to a purpose, Kanaya thought. Efficiency above all. That was the motto of the entire troll culture, and it was what went through Kanaya's mind as she lapped up her own blood like an animal.

Kanaya was simply starving. She could not understand why: it seemed as if every ounce she drank emptied her stomach rather than filled it. She had to find more. She would die if she could not find more.

She stumbled to the transportalizer; surely she could find another meal down here. When she appeared on the exit she heard voices. A loud, hoarse voice was rambling to himself nearby. Kanaya moved towards the boy as she licked her lips in anticipation.

The boy noticed Kanaya. His eyes widened in surprise at the sight of her, and then tears flowed in joy. It is not natural for a troll to cry; when tears flow, so does blood. Kanaya could taste it in the air already.

"KANAYA, THANK GOG! HOW ARE YOU ALIVE! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE? ...KANAYA?" Kanaya had stumbled to the boy whose name she could not quite remember, smiling wide in ecstasy. She licked his face where his tears were. It was a treat. She needed more.

The boy mistook her intentions and embraced her. "OH KANAYA, I THOUGHT I HAD LOST YOU. DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF YOU WERE TO UP AND DIE AGAIN."

Kanaya did not understand what this boy meant. Perhaps he had felt some sort of connection to her before? Kanaya certainly could not recall any attachment. All she could think of was his neck, soft, warm, tempting.

He tasted of cherries.

Author Comments:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Been a while since I last wrote in third person. Typically I prefer the first person point of view because it allows me to more easily get in the head of my main character, but I think the narration worked out OK this time.

This is not in any way a prediction of what Rainbow Drinker Kanaya will be. In fact in light of the most recent walkaround I would be quite shocked if this turned out to be anywhere close to the truth.

Didn't stop me from thinking it would make an interesting fanfic.

[Sionnan]

Hopy shit this thread has jumped in size. Man, just to think that the last thread was going on its last leg when I left it.

Uhm...

Okay, so here is a probably very repetetive Gamzee fic. Really, it's not supposed to make much sense, because it's an exercise in opposites and contradictions, and how that must have been tearing at him.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

It hurt.

It hurt, and it seared through his gut and froze his bones, and nothing had ever felt like this before.

It ripped through his veins in a frenzy, coursing across his shoulders and arms and up through his neck, and bubbled out through his throat in a high, ringing laugh.

And then it dropped. He may as well have been born from a rock crag, because everything was so

so

still.

In those moments of silence, he could hear a distant chorus echoing through his mind. A whirl of sound that could barely be picked apart, and each strain wove into another. A chain of laughter was a short staccato burst of screams, a pluck of music was the rattle of weapons. A honk of a horn was a distant call to begin the fight.

It flashed across his brain, absence and essence equally crowding together, and he realized slowly the pain was making him laugh, and it really wasn't pain because it was really just an idea all along. And it was the concept that was terrible, not it's dawning.

(Because Gamzee loved his friends

and they all deserved to die.)

Only when he realized that he couldn't separate the sounds, because they weren't meant to be apart, did something seem twist inside him. After all, that was it all along. Even as everything seemed to grow a shade darker, its clarity was maddening and irresistable.

Gamzee wanted to weep as a laugh took wing and flew from him.

Why did they never see it?

The cacophony engulfed him, and everything fell quiet.

[ArmsAreLoud]

Gog dammit people, why can I never submit something without it being immediately followed by a superior work? :l

[SkaianRedeemer]

@Violet CLM: "PO2211B11L11T1132" Terezi's gone mad with numbers! And I love it. That was a great log.

I'm going to have to stop reading for today (and just when I thought I was caught up on The Sapphire of Alternia...) but I want to mention that I just did a double take when I noticed that someone else actually knows about Murder By Death beyond me and my immediate family.

[lucidSeraph]

Oh fuck, why did I write this? It's fucking terrible. It will be jossed within 24 hours. I can't write Nepeta or Equius ARGH.

Purrfect Morails

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Bluh bluh AO3
WARNING: Death, blood, violence.

[battlerek]

Wow, I can't believe people liked my short fic.

... After having watched a LARP of Harry Potter Year 7 in which Hufflepuff House owned the shit out of everyone in the game, I have to submit that Karkat and John both end up in Hufflepuff.

And then win the game.

FFFffffffffff people makin' me loose the game all over today.

On the other hand, as a proud Hufflepuff myself, I can agree with this.
...I really want to write this now.

Yes.

Also, the reason Hufflepuff wins - Basically what was discovered is that while Hufflepuffs were the weakest in terms of spells and actual knowledge, they were predisposed to be friends with everyone. To the point that they turned a high powered Slytherin to be their bro 4 lief, got people to help them break into teacher offices, and generally had all the powerful friends, all of them. The Gryffindors, meanwhile, were too buys getting themselves gloriously martyred for the cause; the Ravenclaws were too busy reading; and the Slytherins were too busy backstabbing the shit out of each other.

So Hufflepuff wields the righteous fires of charisma?

[lucidSeraph]

So Hufflepuff wields the righteous fires of charisma?

Yes. Problem Sleuth is from Hufflepuff House.

Ace Dick is that goddamn asshole Griffindor.

And Pickle Inspector is that Ravenclaw guy who never knows what the hell is going on.