MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[Graven_Image]

S'alright, just so we're clear.

[sebastian]

Hey look, more Wizardstuck.

Wizardstuck: Sleeping Arrangements

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Wizardstuck is one of those fanfics that when I see there is a new chapter I'm sad.

Because now I have to wait more for the next chapter.

[Blox]

Hey y'all
Last night, I dreamed I was reading a Kanaya x Vampire!John fanfic xD
I think my subconscious was trying to tell me something :B

Anyway, um, I'd like to request this crack if anyone wants to do it |D
Keep up with all the awesome writing everyone! *o*

[ceruleanTresses]

MoraicTrochee, I hope you were not in fact planning to do Neponine's "A Little Fall of Rain," cause I have been randomly attacked by inspiration! If you were, and mine ends up going up first, I am sincerely sorry; but I bet there is room for two!

Also, I have a fic suggestion. I am no good at Vriska myself, but someone should totally do a fic where she writes her own self-insert fanfiction of "The Wicker Man" (or any other Nic Cage movie, really)! It would be hilarious and gr8.

[X15lm204]

@cT:

So we've got...

A song about how everyone is fucked -> A song about how everyone is even more fucked

A song about a crook fleecing customers while his wife whines about how awful he is -> A song about a nice boy's psychopathic alternate personalities murdering his friends and desecrating their bodies while he's forced to watch

A song about how love seems awesome but then real life kicks you in the teeth over and over -> A song about how love seems awesome but then real life kicks you in the teeth over and over so now it's time to murder the fuck out of the person you hold responsible

yeeesssss we've somehow managed to make Les Mis even more awful and depressing

let's keep this going

lets make this shit work

where doing it man

where MAKING THIS HAPEN

[Jim Groovester]

The Sapphire of Alternia, Part 7

show spoiler

hide spoiler

“Alright. You wanna talk? What about?” Sleuth asks. “Still not over Snowman yet?”

Droog and Boxcars face Problem Sleuth, looks of surprise on their faces. The car veers suddenly before Deuce catches the wheel. Slick’s eyes narrow to slits. This is what tends to happen when you ask about the only forbidden topic to the Midnight Crew.

“boxcars,” Slick growls commandingly.

Boxcars smashes his elbow into Problem Sleuth’s head. Sleuth’s vision returns to normal in a few seconds and he pushes himself off of Droog’s shoulder.

“you get all your smart ass out of your system yet” Slick asks. “cause im fine letting boxcars beat the shit out of you. maybe ill let deuce get a turn too to keep him happy”

“BUT I LIKE PROBLEM SLEUTH.” Clubs Deuce says.

“dammit deuce shut up im trying to intimidate sleuth here”

Diamonds Droog cradles his head in his hand and groans.

“what are you groaning at” Slick asks Droog, daring him to answer. “sleuth” Slick says, trying to start over.

“Yeah?”

“were friends right” Slick asks. “boxcars you think were friends with sleuth right”

Boxcars nods.

“deuce”

“YEP!”

“droog”

Diamonds Droog says nothing.

“three out of four of the crew think youre a friend”

Sleuth raises a brow.

“you havent been very friendly recently” Slick says. “why seems like everytime we see you youre trying to shoot us”

“Slick,” Sleuth says. “I never shoot to kill.”

“Bullshit.” Droog says annoyed.

“friends dont hurt each other sleuth. friends dont keep secrets from each other” Slick says. “seems like youve been doing both lately. what kind of friend have you been sleuth”

“What’s your point, Slick?” Sleuth asks.

“my point is” Slick pauses. “i think its time you start spilling your guts in a metaphorical sense before you start spilling your guts in a literal sense” Slick twirls a switchblade around in his fingers before it disappears into his deck. “the apartment. whatd you find there”

Sleuth glances to Droog and Boxcars beside him. The car rocks lightly back and forth. “Nothing. You guys got there not much longer after I did.

Slick looks at Droog. Droog shakes his head. “droog thinks you had time enough to search the place and you cant argue with his eye for detail” Slick says. “you had to have found something”

Sleuth shakes his head.

“The missing client list.” Droog interrupts. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t notice there wasn’t any recent information in his client notebooks?” Droog says increasingly aggravated.

“I NEVER THOUGHT ID HAVE TO TELL YA THIS DROOG” Boxcars says. “BUT CALM DOWN”

Droog glares past Problem Sleuth at Boxcars. “I am calm.” Droog says in a perfectly chilling tone.

Slick looks at Sleuth. “well” He says. “where is it”

“What do you care about the client list?” Sleuth asks. “Aren’t you more interested in what the courier was carrying?”

“were very interested in what the courier was carrying” Slick says.

“So you know what it was, then?”

Slick doesn’t respond.

“Oh.” Sleuth says. “You guys don’t know what it is.” Sleuth smiles knowingly. Bluffingly.

Slick swears inaudibly.

“To answer your question,” Sleuth says. “Yeah, I took the client list. But I haven’t looked at it myself. It doesn’t matter since I know what the courier was carrying.” Sleuth says. “It’s a shame you guys don’t.”

Slick rubs his temple. “boxcars” Slick says.

Problem Sleuth gets a fist to the side. He grips his side in agony.

“you feel like telling us what he was carrying yet”

Sleuth looks upward in thought. He shakes his head.

“droog” Slick says. “boxcars”

Sleuth wonders how Droog and Boxcars are beating him with the Ultraviolence Cuestick and TV Antenna, respectively, given the narrow confines of the car. They stop after thirty seconds.

“what about now”

“Slick,” Sleuth rubs his bloody mouth. “How many times do we gotta go through this? You know I ain’t gonna crack.”

“maybe this timell be different” Slick grins. “im always willing to try”

Boxcars and Droog resume their beating.

Spades Slick: Keep a lookout.

You are now Clubs Deuce.

You are driving the Midnight Cruiser, which you think is a really clever name for the car your gang drives. You don’t remember who came up with the name. When you asked Droog, he said he didn’t. When you asked Slick, he said he didn’t. When you asked Boxcars, he said he didn’t. So it’s a complete mystery where the name came from!

Hearts Boxcars and Diamonds Droog are beating up on poor Problem Sleuth in the back there. You don’t really blame them. Problem Sleuth has some information, and they really want to know what it is. It’s a shame he just doesn’t give it up willingly, because he’s such a nice guy and you don’t like it when nice guys like him get beat up.

Clubs Deuce: Look in the rearview mirror.

Boxcars and Droog sure look mad! Droog doesn’t really get much into beating people up, but it looks like he’s really taking this seriously. One of his suits must’ve gotten dirty. You wonder when that happened.

Clubs Deuce: Look again!

Oh goodness it’s the Felt!

They must have used the giant blind spot behind Boxcars’ head to drive behind you! They’re geniuses!

“EVERYBODY! DUCK!” Deuce shouts.

“whats the problem“

“THERE’S A CAR FULL OF STRIPED COLORED HATS BEHIND US SO JUST DUCK!”

Striped hats?

The windows explode in shattered glass as bullets tear through the car. Sleuth doesn’t wait for Droog and Boxcars to duck beside him. There’s a break in the fire and Sleuth looks outside. Matchstick, Sawbuck, and Quarters are comically stuffed inside a sedan carrying all sorts of firepower as Clover drives. No wonder why traffic’s practically parting for them.

“droog” Slick shouts.

“Already on it.” Droog says as he leans out the window with an assault rifle. He fires a few bursts at the Felt before he ducks down. Another round of fire dents the side and trunk of the car.

“deuce get us the hell out of here”

Deuce’s tongue is licking his lips in determination. He fishes around in his coat for a second or two, and passes a card to Slick. “FOR BOXCARS.”

“what the hell is this” Slick says holding the porno mag.

“OOPS! I MEANT THIS.” Deuce says, handing Slick another card over his shoulder.

Boxcars grabs the stick of dynamite from Slick and sticks it out of the window, using the asphalt to light the fuse. He leans out, causing the car to lean heavily to one side. He gives the stick a good toss at the Felt car. It embeds itself into the body of the car. Boxcars quickly ducks back inside as bullets pass over the roof of the car.

Droog fires at the Felt to keep their heads inside the car as they make attempts to brush the stick away with their guns. Just before the dynamite explodes it falls out, blowing a pothole into the street behind them.

Droog glowers incredulously at the result. “AH COME ON” Boxcars shouts in frustration.

Sleuth jumps forward onto the seat across from him. “hey what are you doing” Slick asks as he gets pushed aside. Sleuth searches through his belongings in the front seat quickly, when he springs back in between Boxcars and Droog.

He hands Boxcars his hairpin. Boxcars puzzles over it for a second before leaning out the window.

Boxcars mounts the gas-powered rotary machine gun onto the roof of the car, causing the car to sag. He turns it to the sickly green vehicle full of green assholes. The barrel spools up and Boxcars covers the Felt in several thousand rounds per minute for several seconds.

The Felt’s vehicle is disabled and it skids to a stop, having lost both tires on one side. As the Midnight Crew put distance between them and the Felt Sleuth looks behind them. The four Felt exit uninjured. “YOU CHEATING BASTARDS” Boxcars bellows as he shakes his fist.

Slick glares at Problem Sleuth. “you wanna explain to me what just happened”

“What makes you think I had anything to do with this?” Sleuth asks.

“so we pick you up and then next thing we know theres a carload of gun-toting green jackasses trying to shoot us up”

Sleuth gives an uneasy grin. “That’s an interesting coincidence.” Sleuth says. “For all I know they could’ve been gunning after you and I’m just an unlucky passenger.”

“When did they start following you?” Droog asks.

“How do you figure it’s me they’re following?”

Droog stares at him like he’s stupid.

“Right. You’re Diamonds Droog.” Sleuth says matter-of-factly. “I caught Doze outside of my office today. I don’t know if they’ve been tailing me longer.”

“SLICK,” Deuce speaks up.

“what”

“THE CAR’S BREAKING DOWN.”

Slick grunts in acknowledgment. The car sputters and smokes its way into a nearby alley where Clubs Deuce kills the engine. The Crew pile out, pulling Problem Sleuth with them. They throw him against the wall, guns and poleaxes pointed at him.

Slick walks around from behind the car and walks to Droog’s side. “what do you think” He asks.

“I think we should shoot him.” Droog says, pistol pointed at Sleuth’s heart.

“WILL YA CALM DOWN ABOUT THE SUIT ALREADY” Boxcars says.

“focus for a second droog” Slick says.

Droog’s brow twitches. He turns to Slick. “Alright. I’ll focus. Because that’s not something I’m already doing all the time.” Droog says with a glare. “Problem Sleuth is probably bluffing about knowing what the courier was carrying.”

“probably” Slick asks. “i dont think ive ever heard you use that word before”

“Or maybe he isn't bluffing. I can’t tell." Droog says. "Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter what Sleuth knows because the Felt know more. That,” Droog says pointing towards the road. “Is the boldest the Felt have ever acted. You don’t find that the least bit odd, Slick? It’s like the rest of you expect me to do all the thinking around here.”

“BUT YOU’RE SO GOOD AT IT.”

Droog puts a cigarette in his mouth. “I appreciate the thought, Deuce. But I’m not finished ranting yet. And explaining the situation to the rest of you.” Droog turns to Problem Sleuth. “This murder. Is it the only thing you’re working on?”

“Well,” Problem Sleuth gives him a bit of time to stall. “I’m helping some dame track down her missing jewelry.”

“Like the Felt'll try and kill us for that.” Droog dismisses. He turns back to Slick. “Slick, we need to start working against the Felt. Not tagging along on Problem Sleuth’s cases.” Droog says. “Whatever that courier was carrying the Felt are more than willing to kill anyone looking for it no matter where they are on the trail. I think it’s time we start looking into them instead of this bastard.”

Slick nods.

“WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT SLEUTH” Boxcars asks.

“I still say we should shoot him.” Droog says. “He got my suit dirty.”

“enough about your stupid suit” Slick says. “deuce” Slick calls.

“YEAH!” He answers.

“drub sleuths shins” Slick says. “you saved our asses just now so thats why youre getting the gentle treatment” He says to Sleuth.

Sleuth looks down at Clubs Deuce gripping his Crook of Felony. Moments later Sleuth is on his back gripping his bruised shins. “Thanks, Slick. I appreciate it.” He groans.

“you better” Slick says. “it aint often im in a generous mood”

“SORRY ABOUT THAT, SLEUTH.” Deuce apologizes.

Slick looks around. “we done here” Slick asks Droog. “cause we need to split soon”

“Yeah, there ain’t anything else Sleuth can tell us.”

Slick stands over Sleuth. “just cause im in a friendly mood now doesnt mean i will be soon” Slick says. “dont look into the courier case anymore. if we catch you looking into it” Slick trails off. “well lets just say youll probably die gruesomely somehow”

“I catch your drift, Slick.” Sleuth says.

The Midnight Crew walk away, down the alley and into the shadows. Sleuth gingerly picks himself up off the ground. He opens the front passenger door and takes his belongings. His key. His keyring. His hairpin. Various scraps of paper. Problem Sleuth flops himself down onto the seat, wondering if how he dealt with the Midnight Crew was actually a success.

Problem Sleuth: Wonder whether you got the upper hand in that exchange.

You told enough truth that the Midnight Crew may have taken you at your word. Not the whole truth, though. You’re glad Diamonds Droog didn’t press you over the missing jewelry. You don’t know if you would’ve been able to keep from him that you were looking for the Sapphire of Alternia. Obviously they don't know it's missing, a fact you're glad about it.

Even though you nearly died, the timely arrival of the Felt onto the scene seems to have convinced the Midnight Crew that they have bigger fish to fry. Unfortunately you have the exact same problem as them now.

Problem Sleuth: Wonder about the Felt.

They certainly came from nowhere. And they came out swinging. Maybe they killed that courier. It would certainly explain why they’re interested in keeping you and the Midnight Crew away from whatever he was carrying. You still haven’t figured out what it was.

With the way this day is going you’re not sure if you’re going to live to find out.

In any case, you’re too hardboiled to let a thing like nearly dying and getting your ass handed to you by the Midnight Crew stop you from working on your cases. You need to get to Wallstreet Keynoter.

Sleuth limps out of the alley, and starts walking his injuries off. Passersby look at him. He checks his suit. Damn, there’s blood on it. He tries to wipe it off. A guy’s gotta look presentable for his mobster suitors.

Sleuth wonders exactly where he is. He looks into the sky, and heads in the direction of Keynote Bank.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Don't let all the action convince you otherwise. Nothing actually happened in this segment of the fic. What did Problem Sleuth and the Midnight Crew know coming out of this segment? Exactly what they knew going in. Except that the Felt are pissed of for some reason.

I ran into trouble with this segment for exactly that reason. I need to keep track of what the Midnight Crew and the Felt know and need to provide reasonable justifications for their actions, and balance both of their attempts to simultaneously gather and keep information from each other and Problem Sleuth. I'm not entirely happy with my efforts so far.

This part bears a resemblance to one of the PS brainstorming things I did not too long a go, which shouldn't come as a surprise since I was brainstorming ideas for this fic anyway.

Except I named the car the Midnight Cruiser, which is way better than what I came up with originally. Seriously, how did I not come up with that sooner.

I need to catch up on some fics and some errant comments I haven't responded to.

[ceruleanTresses]

yeeesssss we've somehow managed to make Les Mis even more awful and depressing

Wait till you see the one I'm writing now. This time I'm actually trying to make it as depressing as humanly possible.
Edit: Though in this case it will still be pretty much about a girl dying in the arms of her unrequited love. But with cat puns!!!! :33

[Wigmund]

cT, I know you said you didn't care for CATS, but a redemptive Vriska singing "Memory" would be awesome...as well as Dave as the focus of "Rum Tum Tugger"

"meow"

[anonymousComrade]

So that fic I mentioned earlier? Got a couple chapters of it written

It's not complete yet and I'm not sure I like it nearly as much as my previous work, but I'm sure this just means it's great and everyone will love it because that's what the track record's been so far!

Who am I kidding, this is garbage and I didn't look up anything to make sure I didn't get everything wrong and the ending I've got planned for it is one big sappy cop-out

Let's just get this over with

EDIT: now that I think about it, perhaps a warning about violence is in order! Sorry to anyone who read this before I could edit in this warning

Crossing Over: Chapter 1

show spoiler

hide spoiler

John stared, horrified, at the still-convulsing body. Out of all the possible outcomes of getting the trolls to his group's session, this possibility had never even been considered. Yet there it was, staring them in the face.

John started to cry. As the one who agreed to the idea in the first place, he felt the blame for this death fell squarely on him. Rose fell to her knees, hands over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. Jade threw her arms around Dave and wept into his chest, and even he could not be stoic about this, not even ironically, as he removed his shades and asked himself, "how? how could we have overlooked this?"

-----

The four of them were the last living trolls on the asteroid after the psychopaths had finally been defeated.

Terezi had confronted Vriska with every intention of killing her as punishment for Tavros's death, and Vriska in her depression had almost let her. Gamzee, however, had other plans (namely, wanting the satisfaction of ending a godtiered player's life for himself), and appeared just before the killing blow could be struck. Terezi and Vriska agreed to a truce for now, just long enough to subdue the insane clown. The battle raged for a long time with no clear winner until Vriska, having had enough of this spectacle ("he's not even God Tier! How could he possi8ly 8e keeping up with meeeeeeee?!"), decided enough was enough. She rolled the flourite octet and... all 1s?

The critical miss left her dazed and open to another assault from the Bard of Rage. She closed her eyes and awaited her fate... but it never came. A splash of something wet hit her arm; she opened her eyes to find it flecked with purple. Before Gamzee could end her life, Terezi had snuck up behind him, wrapped an arm around his throat, and impaled him on the blade of the Dragon Cane, severing his spine in the process. Gamzee slumped to the ground and breathed "MoThErFuCkIn' MiRaClEs," before he expired.

Realizing she, Karkat and Sollux would need all the help they could get, Terezi decided a reprieve would be issued, for now at least. She extended her sheathed Dragon Cane to Vriska to help her off the floor.

"GOOD OR B4D... 1N TH3 3ND, LUCK DO3SNT R34LLY M4TT3R."

-----

Meanwhile, Karkat and Sollux were searching the complex for Terezi. If Vriska really had killed Tavros, there was no way Terezi stood a chance against the God Tier spiderbitch. They needed to regroup and come up with a plan of action, to deal with the three threats that currently prowled the halls of the astroid and maybe get off this fucking space rock once and for all. Karkat swore when he thought he heard a barely-audible honk coming from a side room and told Sollux to stay here, he'd go check it out.

He came back, relieved to find the room free of subjugglators, when he saw and heard something that nearly made his heart stop.

"so, looks like youre alivve after all, sol."
"fuck y0u. go be a shithead s0mewhere else."

Eridan's wand began to glow. "round three. you an me. right here, right now." Sollux tried to charge his psionic powers but it was to no avail. They were tied to his vision twofold, and without that, there could be no red and blue light show.

"wwhats a matter, cant shoot your glowwy eye beams no more? dont wworry, ill make this quick, sol. say hi to fef for me!"

He had stood and watched as Eridan blinded Sollux. He froze in place when Eridan murdered Feferi. He could not will himself to action when Eridan destroyed the matriorb, nor when he slaughtered Kanaya.

But he would not stand idly by while this monster tried to finish off his best friend.

With a savage battle cry, Karkat gripped HOMES SMELL YOU LATER and charged the Prince of Hope. Before he could close the distance, Eridan blasted a pure white beam of science at Karkat; the sickle disintegrated in his hand and the force of being so close to the blast threw him to the ground.

"this heres betwween sol an me," Eridan said as he readied his wand for another blast, presumably to finish off the interloper. "so stay out of it!"

Karkat looked past Eridan. A mad grin replaced his defiant scowl. "SOLLUX! NOW!"

Sollux was blinded, true, which meant he had no way of knowing for certain he was aiming in exactly the right direction. But his hearing had sharpened, if only slightly, to compensate, and as fate would have it, this battle took place in a narrow hallway, keeping the margin of error from becoming too large to overcome. Eridan turned around... and fell backwards from the force of Feferi's 2x3dent striking him square in the chest.

Karkat was immediately on him. "PAYBACK'S A BITCH, ISN'T IT?" Karkat ran Eridan through with the Regisickle, and he was no more.

Eridan reclaimed the 2x3dent from Eridan's body as Karkat put the Regisickle back in his strife specibus.

"GOOD CALL ON FINALLY ALLOCATING YOUR SPECIBUS. TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, JACKASS."
"yeah well i cant exactly rely on psi0nics i d0nt have anym0re, asswipe. and i think ff w0uld have been 0kay with me taking up her weapon. just felt like the thing t0 d0, y0u kn0w?"
"BY THE WAY, NICE SHOT BACK THERE."
"c0uldnt have d0ne it with0ut y0u, kk."

Bunp.

-----

The group gathered together in the computer room. Now was the time for plans to be made.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

CG: JOHN? ARE YOU THERE?
EB: karkat? please tell me you're safe!
CG: SOLLUX AND I TOOK DOWN ERIDAN, AND TEREZI AND VRISKA STOPPED GAMZEE.
EB: what do you mean?
CG: TWO OF US WENT GRUBSHIT INSANE AND FLIPPED OUT. MOST OF US ARE DEAD. THERE'S ONLY FOUR OF US LEFT NOW.
EB: oh my god! so that's what you were scared of! are you okay?
CG: YOU TELL ME! HOW "OKAY" CAN I POSSIBLY BE RIGHT NOW? EIGHT MEMBERS OF MY TEAM, MY FUCKING COMRADES, ARE DEAD. TWO OF THEM TURNED OUT TO BE MURDERERS, UNDER MY FUCKING WATCH!
CG: ARADIA JUST FUCKING EXPLODED FOR NO GODDAMNED DISCERNABLE REASON.
CG: I'M SURE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TAVROS.
CG: GAMZEE WAS APPARENTLY INSANE THE WHOLE TIME AND I DIDN'T SEE IT UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE. THE BASTARD STRANGLED EQUIUS AND BEAT NEPETA SO BRUTALLY THAT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP.
CG: ERIDAN DECIDED "HEY, FUCK THIS NOISE, I'M JOINING TEAM NOIR", THEN HE BLINDED SOLLUX AND KILLED FEFERI, KANAYA, AND ANY HOPE OF THERE BEING ANY MORE TROLLS, EVER. FOR ALL I KNOW THAT DOGFACED BASTARD IS ON HIS WAY HERE AS WE SPEAK.
CG: YOU FUCKING TELL *ME* HOW OKAY I CAN BE RIGHT NOW!
EB: i... i had no idea things had gotten so bad on your end.
EB: is there anything at all i can do for you?
EB: name it and i swear to god i will do what i can.
CG: YES.
CG: YES, THERE IS.
CG: GET US OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.
CG: THE SCRATCH IS HAPPENING SOON, RIGHT? THAT'S STILL A THING YOU GUYS ARE DOING? USE IT TO GET US TO YOUR SESSION.
EB: you've got it. we're getting you guys out of there.
CG: GOOD TO HEAR.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

Crossing Over: Chapter 2

show spoiler

hide spoiler

The hour of the scratch was at hand, and John was practically giddy with excitement. He'd finally be able to meet his alien buddies in person! He couldn't wait.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: so its about time for the mobius clusterfuck double reacharound right
EB: yeah!
EB: i mean, we're doing this because they're in danger. hell, most of them are dead
EB: but i can't help but be excited by the idea of actually meeting them!
EB: what do you think they'll be like in person?
TG: well if anything karkat said was true we are about to follow in william shatner's footsteps
TG: all boldly going where no man has gone before in the quest for hot sweaty makeouts
TG: if he is to be believed we are in for a snogging like no other
EB: haha you're totally hoping for that, aren't you!
TG: nah
TG: terezis good people but i think she just talks about me to get karkat's goat
TG: vriska on the other hand dude
TG: shes going to come out of that portal like a tiger
TG: absolutely no shame about it at all
TG: she has you in her sights and the crosshairs are shaped like a pair of lips
EB: you think so?
TG: you dont even know
TG: this shit is about to hit the fan
TG: like shit is completely pissed at the fan
TG: shit has had enough of the fan and it is not going to take it any more
TG: shit is going to jail for aggravated assault of the fan
EB: haha enough about this!
EB: i'm just glad we can help them now. poor guys, most of their group is dead and from what I understood it was absolutely terrifying
EB: but we're gonna help them out. we're gonna get them out of their session so they can stop feeling like trapped rats and we can work together, maybe even find a way to defeat noir!
TG: i hope youre right bro
TG: well rose is telling me the show is about to begin
TG: lets get this party started
EB: alright, let's do this!

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

The plan was simple enough. The very act of causing the scratch would tear a hole in reality and, for a brief while, open a hole between his session and that of the trolls', allowing them to cross over to the kids' reality. Then they could meet up and plan some way to wring a victory from the jaws of defeat; surely eight players in a game originally meant for four could manage to win.

The four human kids had no idea how wrong things could go, until it actually happened.

Once preparations were made and the scratch activated, Sollux volunteered to be the first to cross over. In his words, he was "m0re than 0kay with it."

Sollux stepped through the portal and was greeted by the four kids, cheering at their apparent success. But immediately, something was wrong.

The air... something about it hurt to breathe. Sollux started sweating profusely; he couldn't tell if he was freezing or burning up, but it didn't matter. Dark yellow blood trickled from his mouth and his knees buckled as he blacked out, wondering why his skin was tingling.

Sollux was dead before he hit the ground.

John stared, horrified, at the still-convulsing body. Out of all the possible outcomes of getting the trolls to his group's session, this possibility had never even been considered. Yet there it was, staring them in the face.

John started to cry. As the one who agreed to the idea in the first place, he felt the blame for this death fell squarely on him. Rose fell to her knees, hands over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. Jade threw her arms around Dave and wept into his chest, and even he could not be stoic about this, not even ironically, as he removed his shades and asked himself, "how? how could we have overlooked this?"

In a moment of clarity, John realized he had to do something to prevent this from happening to the other trolls. "rose! shut the gate! quick, before the others come through and they die too!" Rose, her hands shaking, aimed her needlewands at the portal and sealed it with a beam of eldritch energy.

On the other side, Karkat was wondering why the rift had shut so quickly and began to panic.

John's Crosbytop beeped and his heart sank. Oh God, how could he even begin to explain what just happened?

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

CG: HEY FUCKASS, WHAT GIVES?
CG: I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE RIFT WOULD BE OPEN FOR FIVE MINUTES, EASILY! IS IT GOING TO OPEN BACK UP SO THE REST OF US CAN GET OFF THIS FUCKING ROCK?
EB: ...karkat. something...
CG: WHAT?
EB: ...something happened. we shut it on purpose.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IS THIS ONE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS? IF SO THEN HAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU GOT ME!
CG: BUT THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR THAT SHIT! OPEN YOUR UNIVERSE BACK THE FUCK UP SO WE CAN GET IN!
EB: are... are you sitting down?
CG: WHAT? OF COURSE I AM, WHY WOULDN'T I BE?
EB: there's no easy way to say this but
EB: oh god i'm shaking right now.
EB: i swear to god i didn't
EB: i never meant for this to happen.
EB: rose never even considered it, she thinks it's her fault.
EB: but it's mine, i was the one who wanted this to happen more than anything and now...
EB: oh my god, karkat. i'm so fucking sorry.
CG: ...WHAT HAPPENED, EGBERT? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
EB: sollux, he...
EB: he's dead.
EB: he crossed over, and he had this look on his face like he'd just been punched in the stomach.
EB: and then he just fell over and died.
EB: i
EB: i am so sorry, karkat.
CG: ...YOU...
EB: none of us even considered something like this could happen. we're still not sure why it happened.
EB: rose thinks it's either because our air or something is toxic to you guys or our universes are fundamentally different and you simply can't exist over here.
EB: oh my god, i'm crying
CG: YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND.
EB: oh god, karkat.
CG: YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND, AND THERE'S ONLY THREE OF US LEFT NOW. AND RUNNING FROM THIS DOOMED SESSION CLEARLY ISN'T AN OPTION ANYMORE.
EB: karkat.
CG: I THINK... I THINK THAT'S IT. FOR ME.
CG: I'M DONE.
CG: I'M JUST GOING TO SLEEP UNTIL THE END COMES. MAYBE I CAN AT LEAST WRING A LITTLE BIT OF DIGNITY OUT OF THAT.
CG: AND I GUESS THAT'S THE BEST I CAN HOPE FOR.
EB: karkat, i am so sorry.
CG: HERE LIES KARKAT VANTAS, FUCKUP EXTRAORDINAIRE BUT AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SHIT HIS PANTS LIKE A WRIGGLER WHEN HE FINALLY BIT IT.
CG: STRANGELY ENOUGH, I DON'T HATE YOU FOR THIS.
CG: TO BE HONEST, I THINK I EXPECTED IT.
CG: GOODBYE, JOHN. KEEP YOUR GROUP SAFE.

-- carcinoGeneticist ceasted trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

Terezi and Vriska had been reading over his shoulder.

Upon hearing the news, Vriska just slumped into the corner and hugged her knees.

Terezi tried to get Karkat to respond to her the whole walk back to where he slept.

The only thing she could manage to get him to say was a simple "I'M SORRY. FOR EVERYTHING." before he shut the door and tried to force himself to sleep.

To say she was distraught over these developments would be a gross understatement.

NOTES:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

And now I have thoroughly proven that I can't write John or Dave or any characters other than Karkat and maybe Terezi. I don't even know if I got their typing quirks right, what am I even doing

Hell I don't even know if I'm gonna finish this one, it's garbage and it's completely obvious

[X15lm204]

@cT



This can only end in tears.

it will be gloooriousssss

[ceruleanTresses]

cT, I know you said you didn't care for CATS, but a redemptive Vriska singing "Memory" would be awesome...as well as Dave as the focus of "Rum Tum Tugger"

"meow"

I DO love "Memory." *throws another lyrical iron in the fire*

[Graven_Image]

@AC:

...


D8

[KarneWarrior]

Homeworld
Sail

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Rays of light dappled the purple water with golden beams of starlight. The seaweed swayed in time with the currents, threading through coral reefs like long green filaments. The water was clear, though a little gritty. But it was better than usual for Alternia, and visibility was high.

Rea loved days like this, when he could float outside and watch the fishes go by. It calmed him, after a day of running almost the whole planet. He loved to watch the fish swim, see that they were content living their simple lives. He wished he could lead a life like that.

A massive shadow passed over him. Rea's hand shot towards his strife deck, but it was just a boat. Still, anyone who needed to use a boat shouldn't have been that far out in the water. There were seadwellers that would kill for tresspassing. Those seadwellers sometimes included Rea, on his off days. Luckily he felt generous. He decided to see what was going on first, before he blew something to smithereens.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The sea spray felt good on Azlas face as the boat leapt over the waves, crashing down in a torrent of foam. He held tightly onto the rigging of his little sailboat. It was tiny, and although Azla knew there had to be a name for the type of boat, he wasn't sure he knew what it was. Frankly he didn't care. He intended to scuttle it after this trip.

But a sail out to the ocean? It was irresistable. Azla always felt tugged towards the ocean, despite his lack of gills. He was confident he could handle the challenges out there, and he would do so alone. He wouldn't risk Iksti getting hurt just because he wanted to go for a swim.

The water was gritty and smooth at the same time. The waves were small, although a little choppy from the wind. The result was the boat shook slightly with each wave, spraying up salty foam. Azla loved it.

Something emerged from the water. Azla spun, weapon ready, but non-threatening already. If something wanted to kill him, it wouldn't announce itself.

Sure enough, it was just some curious sea dweller. They exchanged a bit of small talk, Azla explaining why he was out here. There was a moment of peaceful silence before the sea dweller agreed.

Something large slammed into the boat while they weren't looking, crunching timbers and splitting rails. It was only by sheer luck the thing veered off course and Azla's boat still floated. The seadweller spun and tossed a grenade towards...

He had cropped his hair short, military style. He wore a bright red bandanna and wraparound shades. His plain T-shirt was pitch black, and his symbol was a indigo scratch. Just one. It was hardly a line.

The other troll drew a knife, fashioned from a grubs eggtooth.

"'EllO MatE. RemembeR ME?"

[Jim Groovester]

@Jim Groovester I am loving the Sapphire of Alternia. It's one of the best fics I've read in a while, and it has Problem Sleuth!

I'm hoping for a cameo of everyone's beloved unkillable final boss. Hope he'll make an apperance.

You mean Mobster Kingpin? He's dead. Dead dead dead. Deadsies. Passed on. In the land of the dead. In the afterlife. Playing Life with Death.

He won't be making any cameos. Sorry.

Double Irony

This is terrific. I like that the levels of irony get so high they reach back around on themselves and become unironic. Or maybe that isn't what happened. Maybe I just don't get it.

Crossing Over

Ouch, that's brutal. Please continue.

[Decay]

Another drabble about my fakey fake fake versions of the troll heroes (and a minor continuation of the last)...

To The Last

show spoiler

hide spoiler

-- diodexBloodscythe [DB] began trolling ahabDualscar [AD] --
DB: DUALSCAR, COME IN.
DB: DAMNATION, ANSWER! I'LL HAVE YOU WHETHER YOU ANSWER OR NOT SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL SPEAK YOUR LAST.
A i'vve nothing to say to a trashblood.
A come and die!
DB: BY AUTHORITY OF HER IMPERIAL TYRANNY, EMPRESS SEDNA, I ORDER YOU TO SURRENDER.
DB: YOU CAN BE EXECUTED BY THE HAND OF HER IMPERIAL TYRANNY, OR YOU CAN STAY HERE AND FIGHT.
DB: MY SCYTHE'LL CUT YOU DOWN, PURPLE BLOOD OR NO.
DB: IS IT WORTH YOUR NAME? DO YOU WANT ALTERNIA TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WERE KILLED BY A TRASHBLOOD?
A wwhatevver happens, i'll be dead either way.
DB: YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT. I KNOW YOU DON'T.
DB: OR MAYBE YOU ARE THAT MUCH OF A DISGRACE TO YOUR CASTE.
A how fuckin dare you! you may be an admiral but you'vve no caste at all!
A i may be executed but i'll see that your empress does you too for that insult!
DB: THEN LET'S GO SEE HER.
A come and take me!
-- ahabDualscar [AD] blocked diodexBloodscythe [DB] --

[anonymousComrade]

oh fuck me

I just realized I completely failed to take into account anything relating to Kanaya's missing corpse

Maybe I'll go back and revise that, but for now let's just say Gamzee dragged her body off so he could use her blood to draw with (and also he punctured Feferi's neck to drain her blood for the same purposes, because eff having to carry two bodies around)

[Douhneill]

OhgodwhydidIwritethis
Seriously. I don't even know if anyone's gonna know the game I'm referencing. Oh, well.

Chasestuck

show spoiler

hide spoiler

-- bladeKnight [BK] opened memo on board SEREDIN KNIGHTS --

BK: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY GET IN HERE!
BK: BECAUSE THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

-- combatMage [CM] responded to memo --

CM: It's soooo easy, though!
CM: We just use the program on the strange machinery
CM: And it saves us from the impending meteors
BK: No, that's what doesn't make any sense.
BK: Why can't we just kill the meteors?
CM: Ugh, you are so stupid sometimes!
BK: WHY YOU LITTLE POMPOUS BRAT!
CM: Barbarian!

-- archSniper [AS] responded to memo --

AS: Both of you calm down right now.
AS: Fighting isn't going to solve anything and we know this.

-- machineryExpert [ME] responed to memo --

ME: we must run this program.
BK: But why?
ME: it simply must be done.

-- glorytoKanavan [GK] responded to memo --

GK: I am going to have to agree with Elesis here.
GK: What is keeping us from uniting our magic and simply destroying the meteors?
AS: We don't know how many meteors there are!
AS: Or if our abilities would be powerful enough to destroy them in the first place.
BK: Oh, come on! We beat the Ascendent God, for goodness sake!
BK: And half of us can call meteors!
ME: the program must be run.

-- strikerAssassin [SA] responded to memo --

SA: We are wasting time.
ME: indeed.
SA: we can debate once we have run this 'Sburb'.
AS: Lass is right.
GK: I still do not feel right about this.
ME: initial calculations indicate that the effort in stopping the meteors would have secondary effects equal to or greater than the meteors themselves.
BK: So you're saying...
SA: Our efforts to stop the meteors will change nothing.

-- forestGuardian [FG] responded to memo --

FG: Then what can we do to save the lands?
ME: we run the program.
BK: But how do we know it's going to work?
AS: Do you have a better option?

-- cheerOn [CO] responded to memo --

CO: Hey, guys! What'd I miss? :)
BK: Finally you show up!
SA: This is important.
CO: Sorry I haven't been on. :(
AS: No worries, Amy.
ME: who will tell her what is going on?

-- martialArtist [MA] responded to memo --

MA: I'll do it.
ME: eccelent.
SA: Make haste.

-- MA ceased responding to memo --
-- CO ceased responding to memo --

ME: who still does not have the files required to run the program?
BK: I have two, somehow.
CM: I've got mine
AS: They are installed and ready
FG: Mine are all set.
GK: I have everything prepared.

-- immortalGladiator [IG] responded to memo --

IG: I don't have mine.
SA: Where are you?
IG: Same as usual.
SA: Elesis?
BK: I'm on it.
ME: so we are aggreed?
BK: I guess so.
GK: I may not approve, but I will go along with the plan.
SA: Then this memo is finished.
ME: close the memo.

-- FG ceased responding to memo --
-- SA ceased responding to memo --
-- CM ceased responding to memo --
-- IG ceased responding to memo --
-- ME ceased responding to memo --
-- AS ceased responding to memo --
-- GK ceased responding to memo --

-- FG closed memo --

A/N

show spoiler

hide spoiler

So, if you know what I just did, SWEET, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! Otherwise, you can click here if you're interested.

I'm actually pretty sure I didn't catch the voices well at all, especially since I've only been playing Elsword instead of Grand Chase in the first place. Now if only I could understand German...

[battlerek]

@Jim Groovester I am loving the Sapphire of Alternia. It's one of the best fics I've read in a while, and it has Problem Sleuth!

I'm hoping for a cameo of everyone's beloved unkillable final boss. Hope he'll make an apperance.

You mean Mobster Kingpin? He's dead. Dead dead dead. Deadsies. Passed on. In the land of the dead. In the afterlife. Playing Life with Death.

He won't be making any cameos. Sorry.

Awwww.

Anyway keep up the good work. I'm really interested in what the Sapphire of Alternia does, because there is no way the Felt would be attacking people like that if it wasn't some all-powerful artifact.

[Path]

Oh man, lots to catch up on. Unfortunately I've been too busy jumping on the musicals bandwagon to read. That being said, I did jump on the musicals bandwagon, so for the Buffy fans, I present...
*curtains draw*

Once More With Trolls

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Going Through the Motions
VRISKA
Every single night, the same arr8ngement
I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel this strange estr8ngement
Nothing here is real, nothing here is right
I’ve been m8king shows of trading 8lows
Just hoping no one knows that I’ve 8een
Going through the motions, walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetr8 my heart
I was always 8rave and kind of righteous
Now I find I’m wavering
Dying on your 8ed, you find this fight just
Doesn’t mean a thing
IMP
She ain’t got that swing
VRISKA
Thanks for noticing
IMPS
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately we can tell
That she’s just going through the motions
Faking it somehow
OGRE
She’s not even half the girl she- ow…
VRISKA
Will I stay this way forever????????
Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavour????????
TAVROS
hOW CAN i REPAY,
VRISKA
-Wh8ever
I don’t want to 8eeeeeeee
Going through the motions, losing all my drive
I can’t even see if this is really me, and I just want to 8e
Aliiiiiiiive!

Rest In Peace
ARADIA
i died s0 many years ag0
but you can make me feel like it isn't s0
and why y0u c0me to be with me, i think i finally kn0w
mmm-mmm
y0u're scared, ashamed 0f what y0u feel
and y0u can't tell the 0nes y0u l0ve
y0u kn0w they c0uldn't deal
whisper in a dead man's ear- it d0esn't make it real
SOLLUX
that2 great
but ii don't wanna play
'cause beiing with you touches me
m0re than ii can say
ARADIA
but since i’m 0nly dead t0 y0u, i’m saying stay away
and let me rest in peace
let me rest in peace, let me get s0me sleep
let me take my l0ve and bury it in a h0le 6-f00t deep
i can lay my b0dy d0wn but i can't find my sweet release
s0 let me rest in peace
SOLLUX
you know, you got a wiilliing slave
and you ju2t love two play the thought
that you miight mii2behave
ARADIA
but 'til i d0 i'm telling y0u, st0p visiting my grave
let me rest in peace
SOLLUX
ii know ii 2hould go
but ii follow you like a man po22e22ed
there2 a traiitor here beneath my brea2t
and iit hurts me more than you've ever gue22ed
ARADIA
if my heart c0uld beat, it would break my chest
SOLLUX
but ii can 2ee you're uniimpre22ed
so leave me be and
let me rest iin peace let me get 2ome 2leep
let me take my love and bury iit iin a hole 2ix-foot deep
ii can lay my body down but i can't find my 2weet relea2e
ARADIA
let me rest in peace
why w0n't y0u
let me rest in peace

Where Do We Go From Here?
[AC] :33 where do we go from here?
[CG] WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
[CA] the battles done and wwe kind a wwon
[GC] SO W3 SOUND OUR V1CTORY CH33R
[GG] where do we go from here??
[AT] wHY IS THE PATH, UNCLEAR,
[AG] When we know home is near????????
Understand wwe'll gO H4ND in )(and
8ut WE'LL wAlK al0ne iin fear

[GA] Tell Me
[EB] where do we go from here?
[TT] When does the end appear?
[TG] heh, bugger this
[CT] D --> When do the trumpets cheer?
[CG] THE CURTAINS CLOSE ON A KISS, GOD KNOWS
[GC] W3 C4N T3LL TH3 3ND 1S N34R
Where d0 wwe go fRoM )(-ER----E?

[TG] you should go back inside
[TG] finish the big group sing
[TG] get your kumbayayas out
[GG] ...i don't want to.
[TG] the day you suss out what you do want there'll probably be a parade
[TG] seventy six bloody trombones
[GG] dave...
[TG] look you don't have to say anything
[GG] ... i touch the fire and it freezes me
[TG] ... i died
[GG] i look into it and it's black
[TG] so many years ago
[GG] this isn't real, but i just want to feel!!
[TG] ... you can make me feel
WHERE do W3 go from here?

A/N

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Oh god, the debate on the last interaction between Spike and Buffy! Dave/Jade, Dave/Terezi, Karkat/Jade, Karkat/Terezi? I settled on Dave/Jade just because I personally like the line "you can make me feel" coming from him. So I guess you all just have to live with my ship there.

[Sionnan]

The Marquise and the feared Orphaner have a standoff. Just a test with their characters and some hefty prose to try and match their legendary status.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

The green moon was just cresting the swell of the sea, and they considered each other across the restless water, scattering veridian pinprick of light. It painted the paler flesh of the duplicate scars on his face with a touch of green fire, and set her dark suit glowing.

The voice that burst from the thin lips ringed with small, sharp teeth was a guttural hissing crackle, and the words were like breakers throwing themselves against the shore. "You'll do as I command, Spinneret. And if you continue to flap your prattling mouth, I'll sink your ship into the deep, and the Speaker of the Vast Glub will harvest your bones."

The Marquise's laugh was a string of water beads threading down a gossamer strand. "Orphaner, you salty dog!" She tossed a kiss across the expanse of dark sea. "You never forget how to make a woman feel cherished!" And even at that distance, he couldn't mistake the inky swash of her hair against the black of the sky as she tossed her head. But there was nothing about the Marquisse that was as it appeared to be, and her voice became the empty screech of the wind as it tore through canyons, shattering her tinkling laugh. "And I will curse the ground you stand upon, the words you speak, and the air you breathe, if you so much as utter another choke of your tripe!" Among the low groan of the sea, Dualscar could hear the deathly rattle of the flourite die, as he watched one long, thin arm cock to one side and sway entracingly. A chill coursed through him.

But force was to be met with equal force. Too much, and he would push their feud too far into the black; too little, and he would be leaking blood through his eyes. The Marquisse's bluffs were rarely unfulfilled when called, and he knew the die's hearts well.

The sea wind whistled across the sharp, pungent point of Ahab's Crosshairs. Dualscar's canted his head, adjusting for the distance between himself and Spinneret, and his slanted, amber eye sheathed itself in its second lid, the pounding of his blood reached a crecendo in his ears. All around them, the wood of her ship groaned a litany as it rocked, and Dualscar could hear the sharp rasp of his breath through his teeth, and a low, gurgling growl wound up from his throat.

A few galvanizing moments slipped between them, the Marquise's hair flowing from her like a black flag unfurled, and the Orphaner's jewels glittering like falling stars in the ancient dark.

Finally, Spinneret's hands flew into the air, tossing her resolve to the winds. "This is pointless, Dualscar!" She called over the roar of the waves, sauntering closer leeward. "I'll bring you your ridiculous charge, but mark me!" A slip of white waved in the air, the only bit of a long finger he could see. "If you so much as cough against the wind, the flying whales will feast on your corpse!"

Dualscar's rubbery flesh stretched with his grin, the jagged, horizontal scars arcing across his face falling and rising. His voice was more gurgle than speech when he called after her retreating back, "Your luck has held again, Marquise!"

[emesis]

@Jim

show spoiler

hide spoiler

“you get all your smart ass out of your system yet” Slick asks. “cause im fine letting boxcars beat the shit out of you. maybe ill let deuce get a turn too to keep him happy”

“BUT I LIKE PROBLEM SLEUTH.” Clubs Deuce says.

Oh man oh man, I love how you wrote the Crew here, especially Droog. Don't mess with his conksuckin suits.

[Kerensky287]

Hey, remember when I said I'd write more tonight?

Yup.

SBURB FICS THAT NEVER WERE

IV: In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only children's videogames

show spoiler

hide spoiler

++Thought of the day: Heresy grows from idleness.++

Funny, thought Commissar Ciaphas Cain, I never thought machine spirits had a sense of humor.

Cain had never had much experience with this kind of technology; he had always had a Techpriest around to do the hard work in the past, or at least some assistance from his loyal aide, Jurgen. But Jurgen had been reassigned to inquisitorial duty quite some time ago, and Cain was the only living human on this station. His escort had been slaughtered to the man by Eldar aspect warriors, and before he could properly react - by taking revenge, or more likely by getting the hell out of dodge - they had vanished. Warp Spiders, they were called; elite teleporting soldiers spinning webs of monofilament wire that cut through flesh like it was air. Cain was the sole survivor.

And after a quick look around the station for a ship or at least an escape pod, he discovered that he was also trapped, webs of Warp Spider monofilament corralling him into the central computing bank. With no other options left to him, he decided to call for help.

Praise be to the Emperor of Man, for it is by his will that humanity triumphs over all.

Input command.

>call for help please

Invalid syntax. Please consult Book of Praises, Vol 8 for assistance.

>frak

You won't get anywhere with that language, no sir.

>just open a comm line

What is the magic word?

>please

That's BETTER. Geez, I thought techpreists were supposed to be REVERENTIAL to machine spirits.

Especially one that's in charge of life support.

>please open a comm line and also do not kill me

Alright, but you owe me a favor later.

OPEN CHATLOG

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Chat name assigned: imperatorVindico (IV)

IV: please, in the name of HOLY TERRA, someone answer!
IV: this is COMMISSAR CIAPHAS CAIN, sending out an urgent DISTRESS SIGNAL, priority VERMILLION!
IV: entering commissarial CONFIRMATION CODE...

antediluvianThaumaturge (AT) has responded to chat.

AT: Don't bother, human.
AT: You will go nowhere until I decide I will allow you to.
AT: For now, though I am loathe to admit it, I must debase myself and request your assistance.
AT: Refusal is obviously not a healthy option.
IV: you are an XENOS SCUM?
IV: sorry
IV: WORTHLESS ALIEN
IV: PLAGUE UPON THE UNIVERSE
AT: You tempt fate. I am almost amused.
IV: this chat program likes to AUTOCORRECT some terms I use
IV: e l d a r
IV: that's what I was FAILING to type
IV: t r y i n g
IV: this machine spirit is a MIGHTY PARAGON
AT: Do not waste my time, human.
IV: trust me XENOS SCUM, this is as HILARIOUS to me as it is to you
IV: frak this
AT: ...Time is of the essence, mon'keigh.
AT: And not simply because your species is laughably short-lived.
AT: There is even less time for you than usual.
AT: Your assistance is required on a quest that I have foreseen will be the death or salvation of the known universe.
AT: The result will depend on the magnitude of our success.
AT: You are one of four chosen heroes who will be able to capitalize on the opportunities available.
AT: I am one of the other three.
AT: I am Farseer Yth'Maril of the Biel Tan craftworld.
IV: I'll be honest, there's no chance I'll remember that WITH MY WEAK FLESHY BRAIN.
IV: oh come on that was a period
AT: I did not expect you to. You are also a mere human, and as a result you are not permitted to refer to me by name.
AT: I simply wished to inform you of the name of the one who will personally destroy every part of you that exists, material or not, if you fail.
AT: Which you probably will.
AT: Weak human.
IV: you are not experienced in morale management, are you
AT: ...
AT: Refer to me by my title and my title only.
IV: and here I was expecting you to want me to call you your majesty
AT: That will do also.
AT: For now, I would like to inform you that I have already facilitated the beginning of the quest I have placed you on.
AT: My loyal Warp Spiders made the necessary preparations for your primitive computer to run the program you will need.
AT: They have also placed helpful guidelines for where in the facility it would be poignant to go.
AT: Do not touch the guidelines by the way, they are sharp.
AT: That is because they are actually monofilament webs.
AT: I have already placed several machines you will eventually need to use within your operation area.
AT: Go look for them. For now, I have more important matters to attend to.
AT: Believe it or not, your race will not be the most deplorable to deal with in the near future.

antediluvianThaumaturge has disconnected.

IV: frakking eldar
IV: eldar
IV: what, now you decide to turn off autocorrect
IV: OF COURSE, IT'S FUNNIER WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO GET A MESSAGE ACROSS.
IV: you are the worst machine spirit ever
IV: YOU ARE NOT THE WORST MEATBAG EVER, BUT THAT IS ONLY BECAUSE MEATBAGS ARE WORTHLESS FLESH CREATURES. SO IT IS HARD TO BE THE WORST MEATBAG EVER. BUT YOU ARE A STRONG CONTENDER.
IV: why does everyone hate my species?
IV: NOT YOUR SPECIES. JUST ORGANICS IN GENERAL.
IV: duly noted

-----

"Farseer? We have a problem."

"Report in, Ranger."

"The Ork encampment has been eliminated, as you requested, with the exception of one occupant, again as requested. But..."

"But?"

"But he shot down the Tau."

"..."

"We are making our way to the crash site to determine survivor status."

"I knew this would happen, of course. I am a Farseer, after all."

"I didn't doubt-"

"Yes you did. I read your mind. You definitely did."

"But-"

"Blame the Ork. But do not kill him. He is necessary. Simply try to... lead his attention to the prepared communication device. Then proceed to the Tau crash site."

"...Yes, Farseer. It will be done."

-----

"Woz dat?"

Grotsnappa the Ork heard a noise. It sounded like hissing. Then he heard another noise, and it sounded like an explosion. Explosions meant fighting, so Grotsnappa ran as fast as he could in that direction, yelling as loud as his lungs would allow. Orks love noise.

Sadly, all he found was an exploded missile and the Orkiest computer known to Orkkind. It looked like it had been cobbled together from at least 12 different kinds of vehicles, 7 types of ammunition, and 4 shades of red to make it run faster. In truth, it was far more than that. Orks were nothing if not thorough in their engineering.

Grotsnappa sighed and began to turn, but he noticed a small red dot on the ground beneath him. He watched it.

It jerked forward suddenly. He growled, shouted at it, and then shot it with his sidearm several times.

The dot then moved slowly toward the computer.

Grotsnappa, impressed with the tenacity of this little dot, leapt at it with his mighty Choppa and decided to give the dot what for. He brought the weapon down on the dot, only to notice that - what a surprise - the dot was now located ON THE CHOPPA ITSELF.

Mouth agape, Grotsnappa shot his Choppa several times. The dot was now behind the Choppa and the Choppa now had several holes in it.

Fuming, he picked up the Choppa again and jumped at the dot once more.

The dot vanished.

Grotsnappa looked around, but could not find the dot no matter where he looked.

Hey, a computer. Let's mess with it.

-----

The Eldar Ranger put away his laser pointer and activated his communicator.

"Mission accomplished, Farseer."

COMMENTS:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Not 100% happy with a lot of these bits... the laser pointer bit particularly felt kind of forced. Also, there was a joke that I was dying to put in but that'll have to wait for chapter 2 if I ever get around to it.

For those of you who read Hearthcrossed back when I gave a damn about it (you poor misguided souls), yes, Ciaphas Cain was going to be the 3rd player. I kept his chat tag for these logs. I'm trying to work away from the typing quirk concept in all the stories I write, but a malicious AI changing half his text was just a hilarious idea that I came up with as I was writing.

No idea what I'll write next. It might be another chapter of something (Mythbusters probably, or Final Fantasy), but I have a bunch of other series I want to tackle too. If I can figure out how to make them interesting, I'll probably do a Golden Sun or Lackadaisy one at some point.

EDIT: @Sionnan, your "legendary" prose is downright perfect. It feels like a duel between gods... even though I suspect their descendants could probably mop the floor with either one of them at this point.

@Jim, I started reading Sapphire of Alternia tonight. I'm halfway through at this point. In general I'm a much bigger Homestuck fan than a PS one, but I just love how perfectly hammy everything is. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the available chapters tomorrow!

@AC: Psh. You could always fix it later. "There are three trolls left except OH SHIT, one more who is a vampire. Who knew? None of us, that's for sure. So four trolls are left now."

[Jim Groovester]

Anyway keep up the good work. I'm really interested in what the Sapphire of Alternia does, because there is no way the Felt would be attacking people like that if it wasn't some all-powerful artifact.

Wait, are you speculating about my fic? I am a happy man.

The Sapphire of Alternia could just be a big jewel, like how Problem Sleuth remembered it. Maybe Snowman's jealous of WQ and wants it for herself? I could see her sitting cross-legged in the Felt mansion, smoking her cigarette holder and ordering Crowbar to get her the most valuable piece of jewelry in the city using whatever methods necessary. (Hint: This is going to get explained in Part 27, after Problem Sleuth travels back through time to witness the gifting ceremony of the Sapphire to the troll empress and to stop the MC from crashing that event. Keep your eyes peeled!)

@emesis: Thanks. I figure the MC are always bickering with each other in spite of what they're trying to accomplish. And Droog was pretty pissed this chapter, and not just about the suit. Doesn't the rest of the Crew know how to run a major gang? It's like he's the only competent person he's ever met.

@Kerensky287: Thanks. I suppose this is a decent time to mention that this PS story is more like Problem Sleuth inserted into a Homestuck universe instead of the other way around, so hopefully it's right up your alley. Don't let the endless yapping everybody does deter you though.

[Graven_Image]

@Kerensky: And of course, Ciaphas Cain (HERO OF THE IMPERIUM) is one of the characters. He is always a character. I actually liked the laser pointer bit, despite what your A/N says.

[Doodled]

I've got 14 pages to catch up with.

Is it worth it?