MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[Embargo]

There are too many SEPCULATIONS and CROSOVERS in this thread.

[SeptimusMagistos]

Chapter 12: The Hunt

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CG: ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LIKE IT OR NOT WE ARE DOING THIS.
GC: 4R3 W3
CG: NO.
CG: SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MEMES HERE. WE ARE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE.
CG: THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE. IF WE MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE, WE MAY END UP DEAD.
CG: PROBABLY WILL ANYWAY, BUT WHAT THE HELL.
CG: THERE ARE WORSE REASONS TO GO.
AG: Now why can’t everyone have that attitude to life?
CG: AND THERE IS NO FREAKING TIME FOR THAT EITHER.
CG: NO TIME TO SOUND OFF IDEAS OR CONTEMPLATE FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL PERSPECTIVES OR HAVE FRIENDLY SHOUT-OUTS.
CG: IF ANYONE HAS CONCRETE COMMENTS ABOUT STRATEGY, THEY CAN SPEAK UP.
CG: EVERYONE ELSE CAN JUST SHUT UP AND MAKE SURE YOUR WEAPONS ARE WORKING.
CT: D --> E%cuse me
CG: YES, WHAT IS IT? DO YOU HAVE A REAL QUESTION?
CT: D --> Well, yes, as a matter of fa%
CT: D --> I am concerned about the disposition of the roboti%
CT: D --> They were designed to act in tandem
CT: D --> Not to be sent to fan out
CG: LOOK, I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAT WE FIND GAMZEE QUICKLY THAN THAT WE HAVE SOME ROBOTS TO MOB HIM.
CT: D --> if I had been allowed to keep working we w001d not have had to choose
AA: equius that was never an 0pti0n.
CG: AS MUCHT AS I HATE GETTING INTO YOUR LOVEY DOVEY ROMANCE SHE’S BASICALLY RIGHT.
CG: HAVING YOU AWAKE AND ALERT IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT FROM A STRATEGIC PERSPECTIVE.
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> I suppose you are correct
AT: uHHH, kARKAT,
CG: CRAP. I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE OF VOICE.
AT: i TRIED SPEAKING TO THE CREATURES IN THE LABS,
AT: tO GET THEM TO HELP US FIGHT GAMZEE,
AT: bUT THEY REALLY, rEALLY REFUSE TO,
AT: aND I DON’T THINK I CAN KEEP THEM UNDER CONTROL VERY LONG,
CG: YEAH, THAT FUCKING FIGURES.
CG: I DON’T REALLY WANT TO FIGHT HIM EITHER.
CG: SO - NO ROBOTS AND NO MONSTERS OTHER THAN THE DERPY LITTLE ONES FROM GIRLS’ GAMES, BUT WE STILL OUTNUMBER HIM ELEVEN TO ONE.
CG: ALL RIGHT. ARADIA, GET YOUR TIME FREEZE READY. VRISKA, PUT ON YOUR STUPID OUTFIT. ERIDAN, MAKE SURE YOUR WAND HAS JUICE. EQUIUS, YOU HAVE BEEN ORDERED BY YOUR LEADER AND YOUR EMPRESS AND YOUR COMMITTEE TOO TO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT USING BOWS NO MATTER WHAT THAT STONER PAST GAMZEE SAYS. JUST GRAB HIM OR SOMETHING. BREAK HIS LEGS IF YOU HAVE TO, WE CAN FIX THAT.
CG: LET’S TAKE THIS FREAK HARD AND FAST.
CG: LET’S GO!

The trolls gathered up. Since they were looking for a dangerous individual in dark corridors, tradition dictated that they split up and get picked off one by one. That was precisely why Karkat ordered them to stick together at all costs, using robots for reconnaissance and having at least one person look up at all times.

Not that Gamzee had made much of an effort to hide. After spending hours being kept at bay by superior preparation and having any computing device he so much as approached feed him a stream of insults and slam poetry before exploding he was good and ready for a confrontation.

TC: welcome to the dark carnival motherfuckers.
TC: WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
TC: it goes like this:
TC: ELEVEN TROLLS MOTHERFUCKING BLUNDER INTO A ROOM WITH A SUBBJUGGLATOR
TC: and then they all get subjugglated.
TC: GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TROLLS GET SUBJUGGLATED!
TC: honk
TC: HONK
CG: CHARGE!

They charged.

It was a disaster.

It all started off fairly well. They managed to not get in each other’s way. The close-range fighters closed in on Gamzee quickly, while those who preferred long range stood back. Eridan drew his want; alongside him Sollux dipped a spoon into a jar of Mind Honey. Vriska flittered behind him while Aradia approached in front in a blaze of psychic glory. They were about to overwhelm him.

That’s when the disaster started.

Gamzee opened with a classic: a well-placed packet of powdered pepper thrown across the room and into Sollux’s spoon. Even before that act of buffoonery bore its fruit, Gamzee ducked between Feferi’s fork and Nepeta’s claws and allowed the two to interlock.

Running forward, Gamzee flipped over Equius’s charge and drew his juggling pins. A brief exchange later, Karkat and Terezi were both out of the fight, their weapons doing them no good.

Eridan had charged his wand fully and was about to fire a beam of white magic strong enough to finish the fight. He wouldn’t get the chance, as Gamzee rushed towards him on the Rocket Unicycle, taking a moment along the way to use a sickle to slash at charging Tavros, easily snatching the lance from his hands and turning it against Eridan’s shield. The sheer momentum compressed into a single point was enough to knock the sea dweller back and knock him out. Only Eridan’s mighty Science Shield protected him from death.

The beams wildly emanating from Sollux’s eyes as the boy sneezed and sneezed kept most of the remaining party at bay. Vriska, of course, was far too lucky to get hit with them. She appeared behind the clown, preparing a strike. And then she learned a painful truth:

No-one is too lucky to get hit with a rubber chicken.

The dice fell from Vriska’s hand as she slumped to the floor. Rolling up a NET ASSAULT they fired a barrage that found Nepeta and Sollux, though failing to bind Kanaya running chainsaw first.

A Faygo bottle launched at terminal speed and rebounding off three walls took care of that.

And now Aradia appeared behind him. All she needed was one second. But it was a second she would not get. Gamzee pressed a hand to her chest, activating a joy buzzer considerably stronger than regulation. The robot body shook and flailed as Equius-designed systems struggled against their innate instinct to explode at the first sign of trouble. In the meanwhile Aradia made a nice projectile towards Feferi.

Equius was the last one left standing. Perhaps it was because he was too STRONG to bring down with one blow; perhaps it was because the highblood had his own agenda. Either way, he was still up and his orders were clear: to bring Gamzee down through physical force. But having seen the speed the other boy was capable of, Equius was not convinced it was viable. And, despite the warnings he’d received, the words of Gamzee’s other incarnation echoed in his head. For some reason it felt as though behind them lurked an order from someone whose authority somehow superseded even the Empress.

With full knowledge that he would be doomed, Equius drew out his specibus. His eyes glued to Gamzee’s insane smile, he realized too late that instead of the BOW specibus he’d drawn on the HALF-BOW one. Not that it made a difference, since most weapons tended to make the transition from one to the other quickly enough.

He chose a bow in which it was the string that broke instead of the shaft. Perhaps it could at least serve as a makeshift club.

Gamzee advanced, slowly. Feferi attempted to raise herself back up. Gamzee casually tossed a spear through her shoulder. He couldn’t be bothered to concentrate long enough to aim for the chest.

Equius wasn’t thinking at all anymore. He just repeated the all-too-familiar motion of drawing a bow. Surely it was no more useless now than any time he’d tried to wield a bow that was actually whole?

To his shock, he felt resistance. There was no string to the bow. Equius knew there was no string. But somehow the bow was acting as though there was one - and moreover one that did snap under his fingers. At the back of his mind, that made sense. After all, who better than the Heir of Void - the heir to Nothing - to draw a bow with nothing for a string?

And who better to defeat a clown than a mime?

Gamzee never knew what hit him; this was mainly because what hit him was Nothing at all.

Gamzee was pinned for a wall. Only for a moment, perhaps, but a moment was all Equius needed to start twirling an invisible rope. As an artist, he understood it now. He understood everything. He could feel the texture of the nonexistent object in his hand.

Gamzee broke loose and charged forward.

Equius put out his hand to feel an invisible wall.

Running directly into it, Gamzee flew back. It took him a few seconds to recover. But for those few seconds he’d lost control fo the battlefield. He failed to see Kanaya getting up and deploying the secret weapon. And now it was too late.

The pie catapult was primed and ready to fire.

Naturally, Gamzee attempted to dodge. But even he knew the battle was lost from the second the miniature siege weapon landed on the floor. There was pretty much no way the pie wasn’t going to hit him right in the face.

No way at all.

The descendant of the High Subjugglators looked up, pie crust and sopor slime dripping from his clown makeup.

TC: WhAt hAvE I BeEn mOtHeRfUcKiNg dOiNg?

And then Gamzee came closer to death than throughout the whole fight, getting rushed by ten trolls who were intent on initiating a group hug and not taking no for an answer.

The remaining troll was too busy going down invisible stairs.

[Path]

Judging from the pallid grey skin and profuse orange and yellow bruising, it didn’t take a physiciancinerator to know this one was deader than shit, and had been for a while.

Curiosity is the eternal curse of the doctormentors.

Suisei has the best job title.

“I could stomp your fucking throat in right now, if I wanted to. I should too”, he said it flatly, impersonally. It was a casual observation. It was a threat to murder her.

That ended up being my favourite line in the fic.

If demented hyenas could practice medicine, their bedside manner would have been a little nicer.

...but that one was a close second.

[mythmonster2]

That is... the best interpretation of Equius's power I have ever seen. Creating something from nothing. In fact, I think it's becoming headcanon! Wait no, Equius just basically speed-rushed the game, so he couldn't learn it. That works and fits with canon. Yay!

[Decker]

That is... the best interpretation of Equius's power I have ever seen. Creating something from nothing. In fact, I think it's becoming headcanon! Wait no, Equius just basically speed-rushed the game, so he couldn't learn it. That works and fits with canon. Yay!

God damn power gamers.

[Embargo]

Chapter 12: The Hunt

show spoiler

hide spoiler

CG: ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LIKE IT OR NOT WE ARE DOING THIS.
GC: 4R3 W3
CG: NO.
CG: SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MEMES HERE. WE ARE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE.
CG: THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE. IF WE MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE, WE MAY END UP DEAD.
CG: PROBABLY WILL ANYWAY, BUT WHAT THE HELL.
CG: THERE ARE WORSE REASONS TO GO.
AG: Now why can’t everyone have that attitude to life?
CG: AND THERE IS NO FREAKING TIME FOR THAT EITHER.
CG: NO TIME TO SOUND OFF IDEAS OR CONTEMPLATE FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL PERSPECTIVES OR HAVE FRIENDLY SHOUT-OUTS.\
CG: IF ANYONE HAS CONCRETE COMMENTS ABOUT STRATEGY, THEY CAN SPEAK UP.
CG: EVERYONE ELSE CAN JUST SHUT UP AND MAKE SURE YOUR WEAPONS ARE WORKING.
CT: D --> E%cuse me
CG: YES, WHAT IS IT? DO YOU HAVE A REAL QUESTION?
CT: D --> Well, yes, as a matter of fa%
CT: D --> I am concerned about the disposition of the roboti%
CT: D --> They were designed to act in tandem
CT: D --> Not to be sent to fan out
CG: LOOK, I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAT WE FIND GAMZEE QUICKLY THAN THAT WE HAVE SOME ROBOTS TO MOB HIM.
CT: D --> if I had been allowed to keep working we w001d not have had to choose
AA: equius that was never an 0pti0n.
CG: AS MUCHT AS I HATE GETTING INTO YOUR LOVEY DOVEY ROMANCE SHE’S BASICALLY RIGHT.
CG: HAVING YOU AWAKE AND ALERT IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT FROM A STRATEGIC PERSPECTIVE.
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> I suppose you are correct
AT: uHHH, kARKAT,
CG: CRAP. I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE OF VOICE.
AT: i TRIED SPEAKING TO THE CREATURES IN THE LABS,
AT: tO GET THEM TO HELP US FIGHT GAMZEE,
AT: bUT THEY REALLY, rEALLY REFUSE TO,
AT: aND I DON’T THINK I CAN KEEP THEM UNDER CONTROL VERY LONG,
CG: YEAH, THAT FUCKING FIGURES.
CG: I DON’T REALLY WANT TO FIGHT HIM EITHER.
CG: SO - NO ROBOTS AND NO MONSTERS OTHER THAN THE DERPY LITTLE ONES FROM GIRLS’ GAMES, BUT WE STILL OUTNUMBER HIM ELEVEN TO ONE.
CG: ALL RIGHT. ARADIA, GET YOUR TIME FREEZE READY. VRISKA, PUT ON YOUR STUPID OUTFIT. ERIDAN, MAKE SURE YOUR WAND HAS JUICE. EQUIUS, YOU HAVE BEEN ORDERED BY YOUR LEADER AND YOUR EMPRESS AND YOUR COMMITTEE TOO TO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT USING BOWS NO MATTER WHAT THAT STONER PAST GAMZEE SAYS. JUST GRAB HIM OR SOMETHING. BREAK HIS LEGS IF YOU HAVE TO, WE CAN FIX THAT.
CG: LET’S TAKE THIS FREAK HARD AND FAST.
CG: LET’S GO!

The trolls gathered up. Since they were looking for a dangerous individual in dark corridors, tradition dictated that they split up and get picked off one by one. That was precisely why Karkat ordered them to stick together at all costs, using robots for reconnaissance and having at least one person look up at all times.

Not that Gamzee had made much of an effort to hide. After spending hours being kept at bay by superior preparation and having any computing device he so much as approached feed him a stream of insults and slam poetry before exploding he was good and ready for a confrontation.

TC: welcome to the dark carnival motherfuckers.
TC: WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
TC: it goes like this:
TC: ELEVEN TROLLS MOTHERFUCKING BLUNDER INTO A ROOM WITH A SUBBJUGGLATOR
TC: and then they all get subjugglated.
TC: GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TROLLS GET SUBJUGGLATED!
TC: honk
TC: HONK
CG: CHARGE!

They charged.

It was a disaster.

It all started off fairly well. They managed to not get in each other’s way. The close-range fighters closed in on Gamzee quickly, while those who preferred long range stood back. Eridan drew his want; alongside him Sollux dipped a spoon into a jar of Mind Honey. Vriska flittered behind him while Aradia approached in front in a blaze of psychic glory. They were about to overwhelm him.

That’s when the disaster started.

Gamzee opened with a classic: a well-placed packet of powdered pepper thrown across the room and into Sollux’s spoon. Even before that act of buffoonery bore its fruit, Gamzee ducked between Feferi’s fork and Nepeta’s claws and allowed the two to interlock.

Running forward, Gamzee flipped over Equius’s charge and drew his juggling pins. A brief exchange later, Karkat and Terezi were both out of the fight, their weapons doing them no good.

Eridan had charged his wand fully and was about to fire a beam of white magic strong enough to finish the fight. He wouldn’t get the chance, as Gamzee rushed towards him on the Rocket Unicycle, taking a moment along the way to use a sickle to slash at charging Tavros, easily snatching the lance from his hands and turning it against Eridan’s shield. The sheer momentum compressed into a single point was enough to knock the sea dweller back and knock him out. Only Eridan’s mighty Science Shield protected him from death.

The beams wildly emanating from Sollux’s eyes as the boy sneezed and sneezed kept most of the remaining party at bay. Vriska, of course, was far too lucky to get hit with them. She appeared behind the clown, preparing a strike. And then she learned a painful truth:

No-one is too lucky to get hit with a rubber chicken.

The dice fell from Vriska’s hand as she slumped to the floor. Rolling up a NET ASSAULT they fired a barrage that found Nepeta and Sollux, though failing to bind Kanaya running chainsaw first.

A Faygo bottle launched at terminal speed and rebounding off three walls took care of that.

And now Aradia appeared behind him. All she needed was one second. But it was a second she would not get. Gamzee pressed a hand to her chest, activating a joy buzzer considerably stronger than regulation. The robot body shook and flailed as Equius-designed systems struggled against their innate instinct to explode at the first sign of trouble. In the meanwhile Aradia made a nice projectile towards Feferi.

Equius was the last one left standing. Perhaps it was because he was too STRONG to bring down with one blow; perhaps it was because the highblood had his own agenda. Either way, he was still up and his orders were clear: to bring Gamzee down through physical force. But having seen the speed the other boy was capable of, Equius was not convinced it was viable. And, despite the warnings he’d received, the words of Gamzee’s other incarnation echoed in his head. For some reason it felt as though behind them lurked an order from someone whose authority somehow superseded even the Empress.

With full knowledge that he would be doomed, Equius drew out his specibus. His eyes glued to Gamzee’s insane smile, he realized too late that instead of the BOW specibus he’d drawn on the HALF-BOW one. Not that it made a difference, since most weapons tended to make the transition from one to the other quickly enough.

He chose a bow in which it was the string that broke instead of the shaft. Perhaps it could at least serve as a makeshift club.

Gamzee advanced, slowly. Feferi attempted to raise herself back up. Gamzee casually tossed a spear through her shoulder. He couldn’t be bothered to concentrate long enough to aim for the chest.

Equius wasn’t thinking at all anymore. He just repeated the all-too-familiar motion of drawing a bow. Surely it was no more useless now than any time he’d tried to wield a bow that was actually whole?

To his shock, he felt resistance. There was no string to the bow. Equius knew there was no string. But somehow the bow was acting as though there was one - and moreover one that did snap under his fingers. At the back of his mind, that made sense. After all, who better than the Heir of Void - the heir to Nothing - to draw a bow with nothing for a string?

And who better to defeat a clown than a mime?

Gamzee never knew what hit him; this was mainly because what hit him was Nothing at all.

Gamzee was pinned for a wall. Only for a moment, perhaps, but a moment was all Equius needed to start twirling an invisible rope. As an artist, he understood it now. He understood everything. He could feel the texture of the nonexistent object in his hand.

Gamzee broke loose and charged forward.

Equius put out his hand to feel an invisible wall.

Running directly into it, Gamzee flew back. It took him a few seconds to recover. But for those few seconds he’d lost control fo the battlefield. He failed to see Kanaya getting up and deploying the secret weapon. And now it was too late.

The pie catapult was primed and ready to fire.

Naturally, Gamzee attempted to dodge. But even he knew the battle was lost from the second the miniature siege weapon landed on the floor. There was pretty much no way the pie wasn’t going to hit him right in the face.

No way at all.

The descendant of the High Subjugglators looked up, pie crust and sopor slime dripping from his clown makeup.

TC: WhAt hAvE I BeEn mOtHeRfUcKiNg dOiNg?

And then Gamzee came closer to death than throughout the whole fight, getting rushed by ten trolls who were intent on initiating a group hug and not taking no for an answer.

The remaining troll was too busy going down invisible stairs.

Just like, sort of...

this. Just this man. Fucking mimes, how do they work?

[Graven_Image]

Equius is a mime what brain no worky right anymore heeeelp

[-Benedict]

SEPTIMUS. Septimus. Septimus motherfucking Magistos.
That was amazing, it was damned amazing, and it was the greatest thing I've ever seen Equius do. I mean, wow. We're All Doomed is probably the best currently running fic I've read, and this was an amazing dramatic climax to the Gamzee arc.

Anyway now that that's out of the way I'm going to go back and read whatever it is C20710 wrote. And all the other fics, because damned if I'm not an insatiable fan fiction consumer.

[Graven_Image]

12x12

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hide spoiler

cancerousCrabapple began trolling tripupGumshoe

CC: )(EY DAVE!!
TG: auuugh
TG: oh my crap what
TG: i thought i got rid of you guys
CC: what?
CC: oh! )(E)(E)(E)(E!
CC: no, a little thing like a quick login-logout can't trip me up!
CC: it's just i wasn't trying to talk to you in that time frame!
CC: it was kinda boring...
TG: just like the rest of my life
CC: well, yeah.
CC: but those few months in particular were exceptionally drab.
CC: but NOW!
CC: now you've met the other twelve humans, and the other three yous!
CC: this is where it gets EXCITING!
TG: yeah about that
TG: who are these nimrods
TG: and who are you
TG: is this another trick of the game is this fake
CC: bluh! nooo!
CC: you're not the only one playing this game, Dave!
CC: there are scores and scores of player groups, each one playing a different iteraiton of this same game!
CC: it was just our luck to bump into eachother!
TG: our as in yours and mine
TG: or
TG: yours mine the other mes and so on
CC: )(A)(A! close!
TG: oh god
CC: there are even MORE of my kind of player!
CC: when you think about it, we're actually kind of... ALIKE!
TG: heh yeah
TG: were you as freaked out meeting your double as i was
CC: oh, considerably.
CC: the pink me is a real DITZ! XP
TG: uhh
TG: i was joking
TG: you actually met copies of yourself
CC: well, yeah!
CC: there's a dark red one, and an orange one...
CC: there's about twelve of us in all!
TG: holy hell
TG: and let me guess there are eleven others on your team
TG: not the different versions just eleven other individuals all told
CC: ummm....
CC: yeah!
CC: )(ow did you know that?
TG: because im a sleuth ma'am
TG: and this is one hell of a problem
TG: i believe this calls for futher investigation
CC: )(E)(E)(E)(E!
CC: sooooo coool!
TG: arent i though

cancerousCrabapple ceased trolling tripupGumshoe

[Doodled]

Chapter 12: The Hunt

show spoiler

hide spoiler

CG: ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LIKE IT OR NOT WE ARE DOING THIS.
GC: 4R3 W3
CG: NO.
CG: SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MEMES HERE. WE ARE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE.
CG: THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE. IF WE MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE, WE MAY END UP DEAD.
CG: PROBABLY WILL ANYWAY, BUT WHAT THE HELL.
CG: THERE ARE WORSE REASONS TO GO.
AG: Now why can’t everyone have that attitude to life?
CG: AND THERE IS NO FREAKING TIME FOR THAT EITHER.
CG: NO TIME TO SOUND OFF IDEAS OR CONTEMPLATE FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL PERSPECTIVES OR HAVE FRIENDLY SHOUT-OUTS.
CG: IF ANYONE HAS CONCRETE COMMENTS ABOUT STRATEGY, THEY CAN SPEAK UP.
CG: EVERYONE ELSE CAN JUST SHUT UP AND MAKE SURE YOUR WEAPONS ARE WORKING.
CT: D --> E%cuse me
CG: YES, WHAT IS IT? DO YOU HAVE A REAL QUESTION?
CT: D --> Well, yes, as a matter of fa%
CT: D --> I am concerned about the disposition of the roboti%
CT: D --> They were designed to act in tandem
CT: D --> Not to be sent to fan out
CG: LOOK, I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAT WE FIND GAMZEE QUICKLY THAN THAT WE HAVE SOME ROBOTS TO MOB HIM.
CT: D --> if I had been allowed to keep working we w001d not have had to choose
AA: equius that was never an 0pti0n.
CG: AS MUCHT AS I HATE GETTING INTO YOUR LOVEY DOVEY ROMANCE SHE’S BASICALLY RIGHT.
CG: HAVING YOU AWAKE AND ALERT IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT FROM A STRATEGIC PERSPECTIVE.
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> I suppose you are correct
AT: uHHH, kARKAT,
CG: CRAP. I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE OF VOICE.
AT: i TRIED SPEAKING TO THE CREATURES IN THE LABS,
AT: tO GET THEM TO HELP US FIGHT GAMZEE,
AT: bUT THEY REALLY, rEALLY REFUSE TO,
AT: aND I DON’T THINK I CAN KEEP THEM UNDER CONTROL VERY LONG,
CG: YEAH, THAT FUCKING FIGURES.
CG: I DON’T REALLY WANT TO FIGHT HIM EITHER.
CG: SO - NO ROBOTS AND NO MONSTERS OTHER THAN THE DERPY LITTLE ONES FROM GIRLS’ GAMES, BUT WE STILL OUTNUMBER HIM ELEVEN TO ONE.
CG: ALL RIGHT. ARADIA, GET YOUR TIME FREEZE READY. VRISKA, PUT ON YOUR STUPID OUTFIT. ERIDAN, MAKE SURE YOUR WAND HAS JUICE. EQUIUS, YOU HAVE BEEN ORDERED BY YOUR LEADER AND YOUR EMPRESS AND YOUR COMMITTEE TOO TO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT USING BOWS NO MATTER WHAT THAT STONER PAST GAMZEE SAYS. JUST GRAB HIM OR SOMETHING. BREAK HIS LEGS IF YOU HAVE TO, WE CAN FIX THAT.
CG: LET’S TAKE THIS FREAK HARD AND FAST.
CG: LET’S GO!

The trolls gathered up. Since they were looking for a dangerous individual in dark corridors, tradition dictated that they split up and get picked off one by one. That was precisely why Karkat ordered them to stick together at all costs, using robots for reconnaissance and having at least one person look up at all times.

Not that Gamzee had made much of an effort to hide. After spending hours being kept at bay by superior preparation and having any computing device he so much as approached feed him a stream of insults and slam poetry before exploding he was good and ready for a confrontation.

TC: welcome to the dark carnival motherfuckers.
TC: WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
TC: it goes like this:
TC: ELEVEN TROLLS MOTHERFUCKING BLUNDER INTO A ROOM WITH A SUBBJUGGLATOR
TC: and then they all get subjugglated.
TC: GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TROLLS GET SUBJUGGLATED!
TC: honk
TC: HONK
CG: CHARGE!

They charged.

It was a disaster.

It all started off fairly well. They managed to not get in each other’s way. The close-range fighters closed in on Gamzee quickly, while those who preferred long range stood back. Eridan drew his want; alongside him Sollux dipped a spoon into a jar of Mind Honey. Vriska flittered behind him while Aradia approached in front in a blaze of psychic glory. They were about to overwhelm him.

That’s when the disaster started.

Gamzee opened with a classic: a well-placed packet of powdered pepper thrown across the room and into Sollux’s spoon. Even before that act of buffoonery bore its fruit, Gamzee ducked between Feferi’s fork and Nepeta’s claws and allowed the two to interlock.

Running forward, Gamzee flipped over Equius’s charge and drew his juggling pins. A brief exchange later, Karkat and Terezi were both out of the fight, their weapons doing them no good.

Eridan had charged his wand fully and was about to fire a beam of white magic strong enough to finish the fight. He wouldn’t get the chance, as Gamzee rushed towards him on the Rocket Unicycle, taking a moment along the way to use a sickle to slash at charging Tavros, easily snatching the lance from his hands and turning it against Eridan’s shield. The sheer momentum compressed into a single point was enough to knock the sea dweller back and knock him out. Only Eridan’s mighty Science Shield protected him from death.

The beams wildly emanating from Sollux’s eyes as the boy sneezed and sneezed kept most of the remaining party at bay. Vriska, of course, was far too lucky to get hit with them. She appeared behind the clown, preparing a strike. And then she learned a painful truth:

No-one is too lucky to get hit with a rubber chicken.

The dice fell from Vriska’s hand as she slumped to the floor. Rolling up a NET ASSAULT they fired a barrage that found Nepeta and Sollux, though failing to bind Kanaya running chainsaw first.

A Faygo bottle launched at terminal speed and rebounding off three walls took care of that.

And now Aradia appeared behind him. All she needed was one second. But it was a second she would not get. Gamzee pressed a hand to her chest, activating a joy buzzer considerably stronger than regulation. The robot body shook and flailed as Equius-designed systems struggled against their innate instinct to explode at the first sign of trouble. In the meanwhile Aradia made a nice projectile towards Feferi.

Equius was the last one left standing. Perhaps it was because he was too STRONG to bring down with one blow; perhaps it was because the highblood had his own agenda. Either way, he was still up and his orders were clear: to bring Gamzee down through physical force. But having seen the speed the other boy was capable of, Equius was not convinced it was viable. And, despite the warnings he’d received, the words of Gamzee’s other incarnation echoed in his head. For some reason it felt as though behind them lurked an order from someone whose authority somehow superseded even the Empress.

With full knowledge that he would be doomed, Equius drew out his specibus. His eyes glued to Gamzee’s insane smile, he realized too late that instead of the BOW specibus he’d drawn on the HALF-BOW one. Not that it made a difference, since most weapons tended to make the transition from one to the other quickly enough.

He chose a bow in which it was the string that broke instead of the shaft. Perhaps it could at least serve as a makeshift club.

Gamzee advanced, slowly. Feferi attempted to raise herself back up. Gamzee casually tossed a spear through her shoulder. He couldn’t be bothered to concentrate long enough to aim for the chest.

Equius wasn’t thinking at all anymore. He just repeated the all-too-familiar motion of drawing a bow. Surely it was no more useless now than any time he’d tried to wield a bow that was actually whole?

To his shock, he felt resistance. There was no string to the bow. Equius knew there was no string. But somehow the bow was acting as though there was one - and moreover one that did snap under his fingers. At the back of his mind, that made sense. After all, who better than the Heir of Void - the heir to Nothing - to draw a bow with nothing for a string?

And who better to defeat a clown than a mime?

Gamzee never knew what hit him; this was mainly because what hit him was Nothing at all.

Gamzee was pinned for a wall. Only for a moment, perhaps, but a moment was all Equius needed to start twirling an invisible rope. As an artist, he understood it now. He understood everything. He could feel the texture of the nonexistent object in his hand.

Gamzee broke loose and charged forward.

Equius put out his hand to feel an invisible wall.

Running directly into it, Gamzee flew back. It took him a few seconds to recover. But for those few seconds he’d lost control fo the battlefield. He failed to see Kanaya getting up and deploying the secret weapon. And now it was too late.

The pie catapult was primed and ready to fire.

Naturally, Gamzee attempted to dodge. But even he knew the battle was lost from the second the miniature siege weapon landed on the floor. There was pretty much no way the pie wasn’t going to hit him right in the face.

No way at all.

The descendant of the High Subjugglators looked up, pie crust and sopor slime dripping from his clown makeup.

TC: WhAt hAvE I BeEn mOtHeRfUcKiNg dOiNg?

And then Gamzee came closer to death than throughout the whole fight, getting rushed by ten trolls who were intent on initiating a group hug and not taking no for an answer.

The remaining troll was too busy going down invisible stairs.

*whistles*

That's pretty awesome, right there!

Also,

No-one is too lucky to get hit with a rubber chicken.

Tee hee.

[Path]

12x12. It's not INFINITE possibilities, but combined with the 16 kids, that is truly an absurd number of pesterchum conversations. I'm glad to get to meet blue Dave, though. GUESS WHY

[-Benedict]

That's 256 possible altkids/alttrolls, counting trollkids and humantrolls. Otherwise you've got 160 different characters and if you multiply that number by itself minus 1, you get 116480 or 25440 conversations.
And that's not counting memos. Or future selves. Sweet jegus, we need to get to work.

[Graven_Image]

For the sake of simplicity, let's just say there are 16 kids and 144 trolls.

That should be enough.

[Dermonster]

How many game constructs are there?

You can't have expected them to all prototype the exact same stuff.

[Graven_Image]

I'm pretty sure there are 16 different sessions involved, with 12 sessions of trolls and 4 of the kids, all with unique character-color combinations.

Man, someone should just start writing. We'll figure it out later.

[Sporkaganza]

Oh god dammit shit fuck!

I totally had just finished the new chapter of SOSbuib when I accidentally hit a bookmarked link and fucking DESTROYED the whole damn thing.

That's the second time I've lost what I've was working on today!

oh nooooooooooooooo

[ceruleanTresses]

This is exactly why I always type out my stuff in a word processor first. I would probably punch a wall if I lost something I'd been working on for hours due to a misclick.

Then again, by the time I'm done with the songfics, I usually have them memorized from nitpicking them so hard.

Also, I express infinite sympathy toward you. All of the sympathy. All of it.

[Sporkaganza]

This is exactly why I always type out my stuff in a word processor first. I would probably punch a wall if I lost something I'd been working on for hours due to a misclick.

Then again, by the time I'm done with the songfics, I usually have them memorized from nitpicking them so hard.

Yeah I know, it suuuuuucks >.<

Anyway I am going to try to get it out soon but it might be tomorrow instead of tonight because I'm a fucking retard

I was thinking to myself "It might be a bad idea to write this all on the forum, but whatever"

stupid stupid STUPID

[Kerensky287]

I'm pretty sure there are 16 different sessions involved, with 12 sessions of trolls and 4 of the kids, all with unique character-color combinations.

Man, someone should just start writing. We'll figure it out later.

You know, just for completion, there should also be sessions with trollkids and human trolls. Taking every single possibility into account... umm, I think you get 18446744073709551616. Or something. I haven't done math in a while, may have lost count somewhere in there.

Oh god dammit shit fuck!

I totally had just finished the new chapter of SOSbuib when I accidentally hit a bookmarked link and fucking DESTROYED the whole damn thing.

That's the second time I've lost what I've was working on today!

oh nooooooooooooooo

IT'S A PLAGUE

A PLAGUE THAT IS GOING AROUND

It's a plague I recovered from though, so have this piece of garbage that I threw up all over my keyboard since all my writing is terrible.

SBURB FICS THAT NEVER WERE

VI: Seer of Void

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River Tam was a broken girl and she knew it. Not by choice. The Alliance did this to her. They were looking to make her better, but instead they just made her different. A sidegrade. Her brain didn't work well enough, it worked too well to work well enough, no one understood her and she understood no one. Different.

Even in a simple game with her family the differentness was apparent. Mechanics are a reflection of the player. If the player is broken, so are her mechanics. But she had to do without. She was the Seer of Void. She saw into the void, and the void saw back into her. River helped the Void feel whole. The Void granted River knowledge in return, knowledge she should not have been able to know.

River was still a broken girl, but she had all the pieces. And she had always been very good at jigsaw puzzles.

-----

Minutes before, but not many...

OPEN CHATLOG

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RIVER: Wash. Come out here, I have something neat to show you.
WASH: Can it wait maybe five minutes? I'm really almost done.
RIVER: It can't wait. It's an emergency.
WASH: It doesn't SOUND like an emergency.
RIVER: It's a very quiet emergency. Just come quick.
WASH: If you give me five minutes, Serenity will be done. Then we can take off, and gather everyone back together, and you can see your brother and Inara and Mal, and everyone else, whoever you want to. Don't you want that?
RIVER: It can wait. This is very, very important.
WASH: ....Fine. Mal, Kaylee? Hold down the fort, I'll be right back.

Wash stepped out of the newly-completed cargo bay of the scratch-built Serenity. He looked over the rolling sea of green that was the Land of Runways and Fairways, shielding his eyes from the warm (but not too warm) sun and trying to find River so he could help her with her very quiet emergency. He didn't see her, but he did notice something in the distance, bright red and white standing out against the neatly clipped grass.

He took a step toward it. As he did, he heard something heavy drop behind him. Startled, he turned to look, but he didn't see anything. Must've been Kaylee dropping something large in preparation for his return. He turned back and began walking toward the strange object.

He didn't hear the padding of bare feet across Serenity's metal floor.

As he approached the object, he began to recognize it; it was a wind sock, one of many scattered around his Land. But what was this one doing on the ground? Was it related to River's emergency? He moved to pick it up.... and it jumped.

-----

THE SOCK RUSE.....

-----

Wash's heart skipped several beats as the wind sock flopped on the ground. He cautiously approached, extended one arm hesitantly toward it, and then all at once pulled it toward him. He looked inside.

"Sweet Buddha, is that a fish? Why is it... did she paint it? How the hell did she paint it? Where'd she get paint? IS that even paint? Oh wow I hope it's paint..."

-----

..........WAS A RED HERRING.

-----

River ran from room to room, looking for the objects she needed. Alchemiter. Check. Punch designix. Check. Pilot's chair. F432GT3R. The code flitted across her vision unbidden. Objects in this game were more talkative than they appeared, she had noticed.

She ran to the designix and punched two cards. She inserted them together into the totem lathe. She brought the totem to the alchemiter. She dragged the created object to the cockpit.

She took the Quest Chair she had just built (alchemy recipe: Quest Bed of Breath && Pilot Chair), hastily put it in place of the original Pilot Chair, and then stuffed the Pilot Chair into a ventilation shaft, which she knew from personal experience to be nice and roomy. She then made her escape, hiding up above when Wash returned, just as she had before. In a lucid corner of her mind, she hoped desperately that Wash would sit in his usual chair, that he wouldn't notice anything different about it... and that he would forgive her when she saw him again. She dropped down and ran outside, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

River ran and took cover behind a nearby hill. Just as she reached her hiding spot, she heard a loud roar and felt a blast of wind. Her heart leapt when she realized the source - Serenity's engines had just activated once again. Her home was alive once again.

And that distraction was all it took for her to lose her focus completely.

River looked away from Serenity and her eyes caught movement. A flag, mounted atop a tall pole. A marker, the analytical part of her mind said, to assist golfers in target placement. A pretty flag, the little girl in her said. She stood up, walked over, and reached for the flag. Not tall enough, she grabbed the pole.

The pole vanished into her sylladex.

No, the sane part of her said. It can't be this way. Please, no.

Instinctively, she looked at the cockpit of Serenity, where she knew Wash still sat. And that was her mistake.

Because at that moment, her RAINCHECK MODUS ejected the pole as forcefully as it could, helpfully telling her that the code was P5EE2K8, just in case she wanted to alchemize one herself later. Thank you, her manners instantly responded. Fuck you, her anticipation said.

The pole went straight through the reinforced windows of Serenity. And River didn't need to look to know that it had gone right between Wash's ribs.

Mission accomplished, part of her thought. Never again, another said. But the third knew there was still work to be done.

-----

On the Battlefield, Wash's dreamself awoke with a start as if after a particularly loud noise. He looked around, but the field was empty. He took a deep breath in, and found his lungs suddenly full of blood. He coughed a coppery torrent, stared in amazement at his own life covering the ground in front of him, and panicked.

Then he felt something wonderful. Something that could only be described as a wonderful breeze blew through him. He closed his eyes and savored it.

And when he opened his eyes again, he was the Pioneer of Breath.

He smiled his widest smile and jumped into the air.

>Wash: Do the Leaf on the Wind-y thing.

Oh yes. That he can do.

-----

River shut her mind out as she pulled what was once Wash out of the uncomfortable seat. The pole would have to stay where it was; Serenity was now the 14th hole, if anyone asked. She sat down and set a course for the Land of Mud and Sundials.

-----

Jayne was a simple man with simple tastes, and at this very moment, most of his tastes were being catered to quite comfortably. He was the lord of his domain, having scaled every rung of the echeladder. He was loaded for bear with every kind of gun he could think of. Literally. He was facing down the enemy in the battlefield. He was winning. But there were no women around. That was the only downside.

The Land of Mud and Sundials was practically built for some women's wrestling tournaments, in Jayne's humble opinion.

His hunter's instincts were driving him forward at this moment. A sound. Imp! He raised his sidearm and fired approximately 60 steel rods into his target in the span of half a second. That foot wouldn't be moving any time soon. He then hefted his larger weapon and looked down the sights at the imp's torso. His aim was dead-on. It didn't have to be, though, with an 800mm rifle. No kickback, either. He had put a lot of work into alchemizing some impressive shock absorbers. An instant later, there was a large pile of grist on the ground and a very large hole in the wall behind his former target. Jayne giggled. Then he caught himself and gave a manly guffaw. That was better.

More movement. In the sky? A glowing trail. Space ship. Serenity. Already? They worked fast. Jayne let his heart rate settle again, put his weapons down and activated his communicator.

OPEN CHATLOG

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JAYNE: Done already? Huh, I guess time flies when yer havin' fun. Where am I gonna meet 'cha?
MAL: Jayne, something's wrong. Wash is dead.
JAYNE: ...Wha?
MAL: River's flying the ship. I don't know what happened, but Wash... a spear or something got him. Went straight through the windshield.
JAYNE: Pretty strong spear, must've been. Gorram. Well... what do we do?
MAL: Meet up with River. See what she knows. For some reason, she isn't answering our communications. Be careful, Jayne, we don't need to lose anyone else.
JAYNE: Will do, Cap'n. An'... for what it's worth, I'm sorry to hear about Wash.
MAL: We can deal with that later. For now, we need to get everyone back together. Good luck.
JAYNE: Thanks, Mal.

-----

Serenity set down near Jayne. He looked out from behind a position of cover, ready for anything but expecting nothing. River was a smart girl, even if she was a moonbrain. If she was in a murdering mood, she'd know to find a way to catch Jayne with his guard down. And heck, she could probably have just fried him with her engines. Jayne smacked himself in the head for forgetting about that. Stupid, stupid, dumb.

The cargo bay door opened and River ran out. "Jayne! Come quick! I need to show you something."

Without moving, Jayne called back. "Can you show me from here, maybe? Or, I dunno, tell me what's goin' on around here?! Cap'n says Wash is dead! You wouldn't know anything about that, would'ja?"

River put her hands up, palms out in the open. "No weapons! Put yours down, it's unfair to shoot during a time-out."

"You and I both know you could take me unarmed." Jayne was ashamed to say it, but it was true.

"I have Vera. If you want to see her alive, get on the gorram ship."

"You wouldn't."

"The password for your bunk is really easy to guess, Jayne."

"But I.... she's...."

"She is your very favorite gun and if you want to use her without having to clean a year's worth of mud out of her inner workings, you'll come with me. I just want to take you somewhere else. I'm being a taxi driver and your fare is just this bit of mental stress."

"Oh, COME ON, girly, this is so unfair!"

"Act your age, Jayne. All aboard! Choo, choo."

And River walked back inside the ship.

Jayne debated for a moment and decided he'd rather risk certain death than lose his favorite rifle. He ran up on to the deck of Serenity and closed the ramp.

As the ramp was closing, he looked out and realized he had forgotten about half of his awesome guns in his hiding spot. A single tear came to his eye.

-----

OPEN CHATLOG

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MAL: We're gonna have to tell Zoe sometime.
KAYLEE: *sniff* Well, y'can wait! Inara said she's napping right now. I'm not gonna wake her up to give her the bad news.
MAL: Didn't have to be immediately. But... we'll have to say something.
INARA: And we will. Once she wakes up on her own. You know as well as I do that the activities of our dreamselves are just as important as what we do while awake.
MAL: ....True.
INARA: Besides... she seems to be having a very, VERY good dream.

-----

"Mmm... nice costume."

"I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar."

*censored*

-----

"Last stop, Jayne. Everybody off."

Jayne stepped back out onto the Land of Mud and Sundials. He was standing atop a single huge, particularly muddy Sundial. He glanced at the shadow cast by the sun - Skaia, he corrected himself - and dimly registered that it was approximately 3pm. More important was the symbol floating above the highest point on the style of the sundial - a massive gear-like shape composed of light.

River ran out after him, feet splashing in the mud, and she grabbed his hand. "Come on, let's go!" she shouted urgently.

Jayne wasn't so sure. "We don't know what's up there. Also, WHY DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?!"

River gave Jayne's arm another tug. "You run faster with a knife, Jayne! Everyone knows that!"

Jayne stood his ground.

River let go and put her hands on her hips. "I can't use it either, Jayne. It's against the law. Also, my strife specibus is broken."

Jayne had never really bothered to learn the rules of the game (or any of the bigger words) but he did vaguely remember Simon saying something about River's inability to use conventional weaponry in the Medium. He took out a pair of binoculars and scanned the approach to the symbol. No hostiles. No obstacles. Nothing. Too easy.

He gave River one last cautious look, then began the walk up the style. River smiled and followed behind him.

-----

OPEN CHATLOG

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KAYLEE: Mal, River and Jayne have just left Serenity! I can't see them anymore on my screen!!
MAL: WHAT?!

-----

Jayne was disappointed when he reached his destination. A single red stone slab? After that stupid climb? Definitely not worth it. He sat down on it to catch his breath.

River remained standing.

Jayne looked up at her. "So what was the point of this? Why'd you need me to come see this... big rock thing so bad?"

River smiled. "I'm helping!"

Then the knife disappeared from her hand.

River didn't feel nearly as guilty when her sylladex ejected itself this time.

-----

OPEN CHATLOG

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RIVER: Hey, Simon.
SIMON: River, what happened? Where are you, what are you doing, and why haven't you been answering anyone's calls?
RIVER: Look up.
SIMON: What-
RIVER: Look up, silly!

-----

Simon looked up. As usual, all that stood above him was Skaia and the Battlefield.

But something weird was going on on the latter. Random flashes of bright light weird.

He took his newly-alchemized Binocuscope from his inventory and took a closer look.

"JAYNE?!"

-----

OPEN CHATLOG

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RIVER: I told you he looked better in red.
SIMON: Son of a BITCH...

A/N

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The original version had random bold, italics and underlines for River's thoughts. This is because I'm a big fan of Forward, a vastly better Firefly fic.

This version does not have them because I lost the original version and playing with formatting takes a very long time.

Jayne's title is the Savage of Time, by the way. It was originally the title of the fic, but I figured a River-central chapter should be named for her instead.

Yes, I did change Wash's title at the last minute, but I removed the shitty "bonus ending" from the first chapter because I'm basically telling the same story here, only better. So this is the only record of that ending.

I had a hard time writing River tonight. Usually I'm at least passable at her non-sequiturs, but this time around I just couldn't do anything other than make stupid nerdculture references. Sorry!

[Path]

Guh, that other fic nearly swallowed me whole. I'm trying to force myself to finish this one before I embark on the one that's eating away at me. It's so stupidly ambitious, why would I do this. Ambush should only take one more part, though. I hope. Basically I have no method and no idea what I'm doing with all this.

Ambush, Part II
(Part I is here.)

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Diamonds Droog went on a few errands, nothing important. It was a quiet day. Slick wasn't up for much. Droog volunteered for everything- anything to get him out of the room with Slick bearing all the signs of a night beside someone else. And not even one of them. Someone else.

He picked up the newspaper, handed out a few bribes and threats and a handful of warnings. Nothing went wrong. Nothing even went interestingly, so Droog had nothing to think about except Spades Slick and his own plans for Problem Sleuth. His optimism was gone by this point, drowned out in hateful rage and long lists. It was nice while it lasted. Perhaps later, he thought, with his cuestick skewering Problem Sleuth's hands together, with one of Slick's extra knives in hand and Problem Sleuth's jaw in his other, that wonderful childlike feeling of hope would return. Perhaps with Problem Sleuth immobilized and bleeding out on his own office floor, only an impossible shout away from his best friends, Droog would feel better.

He hoped so.

But it went wrong when he returned. Because Problem Sleuth was not at his office, so temptingly close to his friends and so ironically unable to catch their attention with his deadened limbs and ravaged throat. Instead, and completely contrary to Droog's schedule, he was standing in Slick's office when Droog returned to the club.

He turned and gave Droog a smile as he came in. "Evening, Droog. I was just asking your boss here if he'd picked up anything unusual yesterday afternoon when you all (illegally, again) busted into the Felt's place."

Droog was very sure that Problem Sleuth was asking Slick nothing of the kind. Slick had a shit-eating grin on his face, the one full of enjoyment and challenge that meant he was feeling his best, and Problem Sleuth had a flush to his features that Droog found utterly reprehensible. He would wipe that smirk off his face if he had to cut it off.

Slick spoke before he could respond. "And I told him, I've got no eye for detail, Boxcars was busy, and Deuce's got the memory of a brick wall. So he'd have to talk to you."

Droog forced a smile to match the evident minimum required to be in the room. "I'm sure I can come up with something."

Slick waved a hand in dismissal, and Droog turned to leave. Over his shoulder he could hear them exchange a few last words- "Thanks, Slick. I hope you'll be able to help me out with this one," and then, "Need more information, you can come to me. Just gotta pay up, is all." He could almost hear Slick's teeth shining as he bared them in his fierce grin. Droog felt like vomiting.

Out in the hallway, Droog walked Problem Sleuth to the entrance. "Yes, I suppose I can think of a few things off. Crowbar never showed up, for one, and he usually makes an appearance at times like this. And the back hallway was more messed-up than usual when we got there. It wasn't us."

"No sign of her," Sleuth suggested.

"Of course not. You'd know," Droog responded flatly.

Sleuth shot him a look under his brim. "You think so?"

Droog met his eyes and heard his voice emerge dead and empty. "Slick wouldn't tolerate your shameless flirting if he'd seen her." He hadn't meant to say that. Today was not turning out as well as he had hoped.

Sleuth raised his eyebrows. "Is that what I'm doing? Could have sworn there was a case here somewhere." He made a show of rummaging in his pockets. "Oh yeah, there it is," he said. "The one where I help out your boss and you help me help him. I knew it sounded familiar."

Droog felt a chill wash through him. His voice echoed it. "Everyone knows," he said.

Problem Sleuth got a set to his jaw. "I don't see that it's everyone's business. And it's not yours either, I think."

Droog couldn't help himself. He snarled at Problem Sleuth. In the instant before he wound up to clock the smug asshole right in his smart mouth, a few things happened.

First, Spades Slick walked out of his office. He glanced down the hall, noticed Droog's fist about to connect with Sleuth's face, and yelled something Droog couldn't make out, he was so blindsided with fury. Slick began to run down the hall towards them.

Second, Problem Sleuth pulled a set of keys out of his pocket.

Third, a gang of green-suited men with colourful hats appeared in the middle of the hallway. Their guns were already out, and bullets began hissing through the air.

His fist connected with Problem Sleuth's jaw, and the world exploded into motion.

EDIT: Oh gog, ninja'd by fantastic Firefly fic. Dammit Kerensky, you are the coolest

[Sporkaganza]

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Oh, hey, I finished it already. It worked out to my advantage, as I think I like this version better. It's got all the good bits of the old one plus a bunch of new bits I came up with on the spot. Plus Taniguchi's style of speaking somehow ended up being really Eridan-esque the first time around, which I've corrected.

SOSburb (Chapter 5)

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-- deafeningFortitude [DF] began pestering dueDiligence [DD] --

DF: hey dude whats up
DD: Nothing much, just looking around on the internet for SOSburb stuff
DD: No luck so far
DF: cool
DD: You?
DF: just chillin and illin my dog
DF: woof woof
DD: Hahaha
DF: so dude
DD: theres this new transfer student at school
DF: and shes seriously hot
DF: fuckin a++ man
DD: Really?
DD: Sweet
DD: What's her name?
DF: umm
DF: shit i cant remember
DF: i think it was like
DF: rina or something
DF: or was it maybe sakura
DF: cant remember
DF: but anyway check her out
DF: shes seriously gorgeous can barely take my eyes offa the photo

-- deafeningFortitude [DF] sent dueDiligence [DD] the image "fuckinsexy.jpg" --

DD: Um, a JPEG?
DF: oh no its not all like artifacts and shit
DF: ripped it straight from the camera
DD: Oh, okay
DD: Yeah, she's quite pretty
DD: She has really nice eyes
DD: In general she's a cutie
DF: eyes? youre weird
DF: i mean yeah shes beautiful
DF: but dude look at that body
DF: its absolutely insane
DF: never seen anything so bangin before in my life
DD: Well, I figured that went without saying
DD: So I decided to make a less obvious comment
DD: So then you got the picture the usual way, then?
DD: I was wondering
DF: yeah man the female-bonding scam works every time
DF: dont know what id do without my wingman
DF: or uh wingwoman i guess
DF: shes the truest bro ive ever met i swear
DF: besides you i mean of course
DD: I have two theories as to why Sakanaka pulls these ridiculous stunts for you
DD: One: She really likes you
DD: Two: She really likes girls
DF: haha
DF: no man shes totally into me
DF: i can sense this shit
DF: she totally wants to go on a christmas date with me im tellin you
DD: Dude, Christmas is six months away
DF: oh just somethin she said
DF: she was all
DF: i hope im not going to be alone again on christmas bro
DF: and you know how much more obvious can you get right
DD: I dunno, maybe she wants you to hook her up with someone
DD: But would you take her if she did want to go with you?
DF: uh
DF: well probably i guess
DF: i mean shes not an a++ by any means
DF: but shes definitely at least a b+
DF: which is still good
DF: and honestly its not like the ladies are lining up to my door
DF: you take what you can get right
DF: but id still rather go with rinakura
DF: (thats my nickname for her now)
DD: Haha
DF: i mean no offense to sakanaka
DF: but i mean given the choice
DF: would you rather go with a princess
DF: or like
DF: your cute stepsister
DF: nothin wrong with your cute stepsis
DF: its just that the princess is even better
DF: and also probably isnt related to you
DF: i mean its okay if its not by blood
DF: but still rite
DF: you know what i mean
DD: Yeah, I guess so
DD: Still, Sakanaka has always been there for you
DF: oh no true that
DF: actually shes comin over today
DF: were gonna have some really sweet bro times
DF: gonna mix this shit up
DF: get our chill on
DD: Are you sure it's a good idea?
DD: Your day might be taken up by SOSburb
DF: hey she can play it with me
DF: sounds like one of those things thats more fun the more buds you have with you
DD: Yeah, I guess
DD: Hold on, someone else is trying to pester me
DD: See you in a bit
DF: k

-- dueDiligence [DD] ceased pestering deafeningFortitude [DF] --

-- dueDiligence [DD] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] --

OH: hey kunikida, you're good with english right?
OH: hello?
OH: hey, you there?
DD: Sorry, I was talking with Taniguchi
DD: Yep, I'm moderately proficient in English, why?
OH: don't worry, it's fine dude
OH: anyway.
OH: it's just haruhi and i are playing sosburb.
OH: and we've been doing okay
OH: we've wrecked her house putting in these machines
OH: and we've carved some kind of egg thing
OH: but we're stuck now
OH: so i thought maybe a walkthrough would work.
OH: but haruhi gave me this bullshit:
OH: http://tinyurl.com/ya8g9ef
OH: so could you try and figure it out for us?
OH: specifically, anything about this...
OH: blue sphere thing that bugs you in...
OH: like, wingdings font or something?
DD: Sure
DD: But couldn't you just have used Flugel Translate?
OH: dude, what?
OH: i thought you were smarter than haruhi
OH: that was her suggestion too
OH: flugel translate is a pile of shit, everyone knows that
OH: you know the old joke
OH: the vodka is good but the meat is rotten
DD: Well, of course
DD: It would just be quicker
DD: But yeah, lemme just read this
DD: ...
DD: Hahaha, wow.
DD: I dunno if this... tentacleTherapist... is like a hardcore roleplayer or something
DD: But he's being really melodramatic here
DD: Babbling on about the end of the world or something
DD: In quite flowery language, I might add
DD: "There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as we embark on this voyage together"
OH: haha, a bit late to say that dude
OH: what a douche that guy must be
OH: but seriously, i think this game is on a timer or something
OH: could you tell me anything about the blue thing?
DD: OK
DD: ...
DD: All right, apparently it's called a "kernelsprite"
DD: And you have to "prototype" it
OH: what's that mean?
DD: As far as I can tell?
DD: It means you shove some stuff into it
DD: And it'll transform or something
DD: It becomes something like a spirit guide, apparently?
DD: Sort of like the Microsoft paper clip guy only hopefully not as annoying
DD: And a lot more helpful
DD: It'll tell you loads of useful information about the game
OH: ok, sweet
DD: Oh, and apparently you have to do it twice for...
DD: Some reason
DD: The diarrhea of the mouth the writer's suffering from makes it kind of hard to decipher
OH: right, cool then, thanks
OH: i'll just copy all this into my pesterlog and-
OH: oh shitting fuck no what the hell is this
DD: What's wrong?
OH: i knew i shouldn't have turned my back on this knucklehead
OH: she just charged on ahead without me
OH: and she archetyped my kernelsprite into
OH: god i don't even know
OH: an abomination
DD: Prototyped
DD: And what do you mean your kernelsprite? I thought it was hers
OH: oh uh yeah dude that's what i meant its just
OH: oh god fucking SHIT motherfucking dammit
OH: this is wrong in so many ways
OH: i have to go now and hold hands with this kindergartener
OH: hope she doesn't fuck up like this again
DD: OK
DD: Seeya
DD: Hope you can fix whatever it is that got messed up
OH: nope i'm pretty sure there's no turning back
OH: but don't worry, it's not, like, game breaking or something
OH: the game's still on!
DD: Awesome
DD: I can't wait to join in
DD: See you later
OH: bye

-- ordinaryHuman [OH] ceased pestering dueDiligence [DD] --

-- dueDiligence [DD] began pestering deafeningFortitude [DF] --

DD: All right, I'm back now
DD: So, like I was saying, the Tigers look like the team to beat this year
DF: oh come on no way dude
DD: No, I'm serious

[Graven_Image]

Yes, Kerensky, Forward is definitely something you want to be drawing from on something like this.

Hilarious, as always.

[Doodled]

Oh look. A quick fanfic.

Doomed!Trolls: PUN1SH3D

show spoiler

hide spoiler

"NO! FUCK! DON'T DO THIS TER-"

"FOR JUST1C3..."

"JUST SNAP OUT OF IT, FOR GOG'S SAKE!"

Fear.

The smell of it made Terezi tingle.

It hurt.

But it felt so goooooooooooooooood...

But was it really justice?

Terezi thought back...

I K1LL3D H3R...

TH4T B1TCH W4S R3SPONS1BL3 FOR 4LL TH3 MURD3RS. 4LL OF TH3M.

TH3N TH4T K4N4Y4... TH1NG SH4MBL3D UP TO M3... GOG-D4MN D1D 1 ST4B...

TH3N 4R4D14 C4M3 BY... TOLD M3 WH4T 1 D1D W4SN'T QU1T3 R1GHT...

VR1SK4 H4D 4V3NG3D S3V3R4L OF TH3 D34TH3S 1 THOUGHT SH3 H4D DON3...

NO...

SH3 D1D MURD3R TH3M 4LL! ONLY SH3 WOULD MURD3R T4VROS...

PO1NTL3SS GOD-T13R... 4LL 1T TOOK W4S 4 LUR3 1N, 4ND 4 ST4B W1TH TH3 L4NC3...

POOR SOLLUX... H4D TO STUMBL3 1N... D1DN'T UND3RST4ND WH4T W4S GO1NG ON... Y3T WOULDN'T L3T M3 3XPL41N 3NOUGH...

TH3 THR34T 4G41NST TH3 L3G1SL3R4TOR... H4D TO B3 PUN1SH3D...

"YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, TEREZI!"

"SNAP OUT OF IT!"

She turned to Karkat.

K4RKL3S...

Her eyes narrowed down at the whimpering troll... The one she had always known as being ornery almost all the time...

H3 TR13D TO STOP M3...

TR13D TO H1T M3 W1TH...

Terezi looked down at the sickle now in her hands.

As she patted it against her palm, Karkat shuddered.

...

H3 GOT 1N TH3 W4Y OF JUST1C3...

"YOU GOT 1N TH3 W4Y OF JUST1C3..."

"4ND NOW..."

"TEREZI, DON'T-"

"YOU MUST..."

"PLEASE! STOP-"

He was begging now.

4ND NOW H3'S TRY1NG TO W1N TH3 F4VOR OF M3 THROUGH T34RS...

D3SP1C4BL3...

"TEREZI! JUST PUT DOWN THE FUCKING SICKLE, AND-"

"...YOU MUST B3..."

"TEREZI! DON-"

"PUN1SH3D!"

With one clean swipe across the protein chute, the candy-red blood spilled.

Karkat fell to his stomach. He reached out for Terezi, trying to...

OH, TH4T B34UT1FUL C4NDY-R3D BLOOD...

She cackled.

She had gone insane.

Karkat groaned and fell face-first into the puddle of his own blood.

It began to curl around his upper-half.

Terezi stopped laughing...

She bent down...

And touched Karkat's cheek...

To shove his face away...

So she could L1CK the wondrous puddle in front of her...

Edit: O_O Whoa, wait... Page-topper?! Good-gog!

[Path]

Spork, I just love this crossover. This page is full of great crossover fic.

[Sporkaganza]

Spork, I just love this crossover. This page is full of great crossover fic.

The previous page, actually! :P

But thank you! I'm actually surprised at how well this is going. If I can just get out a chapter every day, I might actually finish this thing.