MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[penguinbound]

Case of the Locked Room
A Karkat Vantas Detective Story
1/?

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The rain lightly hit the street, making a constant sound that filled his ears. Anything would be better to hear than this news. She had been his best friend, his assistant at one point, and now she was gone from the world. Something he had never anticipated would happen, at least, not like this. But he had to keep his cool. He was one of the top detectives in the city. He was never known to be anything but what he was. Sadness was never supposed to cross his face.

So, seeing the scene in the small apartment room was heart-wrenching. He gulped, shifting his hat a bit, and pulling his trenchcoat tighter around him. He looked up, as he finally reached the apartment door. He twisted the knob, and entered inside, grimacing at the scene. Laying on the ground, jade green blood splattered everywhere across the room, mainly the couch, blood still coming from her neck. Her hair was not in it's usual style, and from what he could see of her eyes, they did not carry the same brightness, optimism they usually did.

"Mr. Vantas," a voice snapped him out of his train of thought. He turned his head, seeing a young troll cop, raising her eyebrow. "That's you, right?"

"Of course it's fucking me, I'm the only fucking detective in the whole damn city. It's retarded, is what it is." Karkat silenced his rambling. He needed to learn what happened here.

"Um, sorry," a pale orange blush flickered on her face, and she averted her eyes. Fucking rookies. "Now, um, the body. The victim was Kanaya Maryam, 10 Solar Sweeps old, she was killed from being impaled but, um, her neck was also damaged, and there were two incisions on the side of her neck from an unknown cause. That's all we know. Everything was closed, there were no signs of a struggle, there wasn't any signs of someone breaking in, nothing stolen. The door was even locked when we got here. It's... it's almost an impossible crime. A... a..."

"Miracle."

Karkat's eyes widened. Oh god, oh god. He turned around to come face to face with the head of the city's police department, Gamzee Makara. "Haha, nice to see you again, my motherfucker. I'm starting to think that we're gonna need like fifty fucking miracles to solve this bitch, I mean, it was all locked and shit. But, like, fuck, I didn't expect you to come out to a case, after losin' your last fucking partner, plus that new vigilante or some shit. But hey, bro, glad to motherfuckin' see ya."

"This case is personal," Karkat grumbled, the bitter taste of his last case stinging his mouth. Oh, god, poor, poor Tavros. He never knew what hit him. The vigilante was something he had heard about, but never really cared. He wasn't working anymore, not after that, so having someone else clean the city was much more stress off his shoulders.

But, now, this was his case. She was his friend, he wasn't going to let the bastard who did this get away with it. "So, was there... anyone who had a grudge against her? Anyone who could've at least had some fucking idea about this?"

"Well," the young cop spoke up. "We know one other person she was having a lot of contact with lately that could have possibly been mad at her. His name was Eridan Ampora, 10 sweeps, runs the Occult and Science shop down on the corner, small building, hard to miss."

"Is it open right now?"

"Unfortunately, not. We don't know where he lives, either. We haven't had much time to look, though. We can count on you to visit him tomorrow, though?"

"Oh, you can bet your fucking life on it."
- - -
The next night

Karkat frowned as he stared up at the shop. It was open, now. He slamed his palm on the door, and pushed inside. He glanced down the isles of books and other items, quickly turning before the person at the counter, Eridan, he presumed, noticed him. He glanced at the titles of some of the books, cocking an eyebrow.

"One Plus Two Equals Necromancy."
"Demons and Gravity: How It Works"
"How To Revive Someone From the Dead with Herbs and Spices."
"How Do Fuckin' Magnets Work? Demons."

He shook his head, and bumped into someone. "Watch where you're goin-" Karkat stopped talking. It was the orange blooded cop from yesterday. "Oh my fuck, are you serious? What the hell are you doing here, fuckass?"

"I, I came to help," she stuttered. The familiar blush came to her face, and her eyes dropped. "Listen, I really think you need a partner for this, alright?" Karkat's nose crinkled in rage.

"Fuck. Off. I've been doing this for most of my fucking life, alright? I've only had one partner, and only because he wouldn't stop fu-"

"Why don't you fuck off," her embarrasment suddenly seemed to melt away, and her voice rose slightly. "I don't care whether you want a partner or not, I'm going to be helping, so why don't you take the bone bulge out of your ass and stop being so stubborn!"

"Excuse me, are you people in need of some help," a voice broke the fight. "I know some very interestin' books on Gummie Worm Zombies." Karkat turned around to see Eridan leaning on a shelf. Karkat smiled, slightly.

"Yeah, Mr. Ampora, you can fucking help me, see," Karkat took a step forward, and grabbed Eridan's neck. "Kanaya Maryam died yesterday. She's been in your shop quite a-fucking-bit recently. Would you mind giving me some answers?"

At Kanaya's name, his eyes went wide. Karkat could see the sweat form.

"...A-alright. Just release me, and come with me too the back room."

A/N

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This story may be a oneshot, or it may be a series. I don't know yet. :U

[Sporkaganza]

"One Plus Two Equals Necromancy."
"Demons and Gravity: How It Works"
"How To Revive Someone From the Dead with Herbs and Spices."
"How Do Fuckin' Magnets Work? Demons."

Hahaha, this is the best.

[ceruleanTresses]

I'm thinking of writing another songfic. Anyone have any requests? I can't promise I'll do every request, but if an idea inspires me I'll gladly give it a shot.

[spaceyPsychologist]

I'm thinking of writing another songfic. Anyone have any requests? I can't promise I'll do every request, but if an idea inspires me I'll gladly give it a shot.

Can you do one for Gamzee/Tavros, if you don't mind?

...And I dunno about songs. I'm horrible at coming up with any for requests.

[SkaianRedeemer]

@Katrika: Looking good so far! And by good I mean terrifying.

@lantadyme: It's nice to see some fic covering this period fo the story (I have once seen one from Terezi's perspective post-blindness but that's it) and I quite enjoyed it and am surprised at the lack of feedback. Personally, though, I don't like your use of italics for dialogue. It worked at first when dialogue but after a while Vriska and Equius were just chatting and it started to look a little silly, imho.

@DizzySpecibus: Well, I'm curious where you plan on going with this, and everything seem sto be ready to go, if a little abrupt in how it's covering these familiar events (on the other hand, it's me. I am not equipped to give pacing advice). Have to see where it's going in the next one!

@anonymousComrade: Well it's hard to say without knowing but if you can't think of anything for the other four, just bunch them and put them where you need content, you seem to have a handle on chapter structure based on what you're saying in the AN.

@RedPen: Hahahahaha, it's my turn to not quote things less I be here all day. Looking forward to the rest of this plot as well, you've got it going just right. But one must ask about Aradia, and her current life/death/robot status, though one would understand if one is not supposed to know yet.

@KarneWarrior: Afraid I'm not going to be much help there. I often still don't recognize the Zodiac symbols Andrew throws in our faces daily. Beyond checking the Wikipedia page for Astrological Symbols and deciding whether or not you're concerned with stepping on the toes of someone in the Trollslum, I'm afraid there's not much I can suggest.

[ceruleanTresses]

I'm thinking of writing another songfic. Anyone have any requests? I can't promise I'll do every request, but if an idea inspires me I'll gladly give it a shot.

Can you do one for Gamzee/Tavros, if you don't mind?

...And I dunno about songs. I'm horrible at coming up with any for requests.

Hmm, I can try. It might be hard to find a song that suits them, especially since we haven't seen much of their interaction--all I remember was that one time they were preparing to have a rap battle. Have they interacted other times?

Though I could always go for humor, and adapt a sappy duet for the purpose.

[spaceyPsychologist]

I'm thinking of writing another songfic. Anyone have any requests? I can't promise I'll do every request, but if an idea inspires me I'll gladly give it a shot.

Can you do one for Gamzee/Tavros, if you don't mind?

...And I dunno about songs. I'm horrible at coming up with any for requests.

Hmm, I can try. It might be hard to find a song that suits them, especially since we haven't seen much of their interaction--all I remember was that one time they were preparing to have a rap battle. Have they interacted other times?

Yeah...Uhhh...I think that's the only time they talk in the series. Damn me and my slash ships. *slaps forehead* ...Yeah, they only talk ONCE. UGH.

I can change my request to Karkat/Terezi if that'd be easier.

[ceruleanTresses]

Yeah...Uhhh...I think that's the only time they talk in the series. Damn me and my slash ships. *slaps forehead* ...Yeah, they only talk ONCE. UGH.

I can change my request to Karkat/Terezi if that'd be easier.

To clarify, does / mean ? If so, KarkatTerezi is easier if you'd prefer something taken more seriously, whereas GamzeeTavros is easier if you'd prefer something humorous and silly. I could probably do something with either option, although I'm not sure whether I can write Gamzee convincingly, lol.

Edit: Going to bed--I'll be back tomorrow.

[spaceyPsychologist]

Yeah...Uhhh...I think that's the only time they talk in the series. Damn me and my slash ships. *slaps forehead* ...Yeah, they only talk ONCE. UGH.

I can change my request to Karkat/Terezi if that'd be easier.

To clarify, does / mean ? If so, KarkatTerezi is easier if you'd prefer something taken more seriously, whereas GamzeeTavros is easier if you'd prefer something humorous and silly. I could probably do something with either option, although I'm not sure whether I can write Gamzee convincingly, lol.

Edit: Going to bed--I'll be back tomorrow.

'/' means ''. Sorry, I'm not used to doing that when it comes to shipping on the Homestuck fora. And I decided that I'll change my request to KarkatTerezi.

[Megafire]

Red Pen. That was absolutely amazing on so many levels I can't even begin to describe them.

[battlerek]

I think it's time for some vampire kanaya fic.

In which Kanaya learns how to be a Vampire part 2: Vampire Seduction 101.

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If there's one thing everyone can agree on about vampires, it's that they're sex gods so attractive you'd be perfectly willing to let them suck you dry of your vital fluids if they'd engage in sloppy make-outs with you first( not counting orlock-style vampires, most of the time). It probably had something to do with their immortal youth, or their charismatic presence, or their snappy sense of fashion, or even all 3. Or maybe people just thought the idea of having your bodily fluids sucked out of you by an undead monster was really, really hot.

Kanaya didn't really see it. She didn't feel attractive, and aside from being a technically living lampshade she didn't look any more attractive than when she was alive.

"It's all in the attitude, kid." Problem Sleuth told her while he playing his weekly game of hunk rump: the gathering with his friends. "Put on your best clothes in half an hour and I'll teach you all you need to know about being attractive."

30 minutes later Kanaya put on a white suit and her best cape. She certainly looked dazzling in her clothes, and it wasn't just her luminescent skin. Sleuth met her outside his office, also immaculately dressed and was putting on his candy corn fangs.

"Alright kid let's go..." Sleuth wedged the last candy corn fang into his mouth. "Find some heavink bozoms from vich ve shall feed our unendink thirst!"

Thankfully Sleuth didn't insist on trying to transform into a bat for this trip, and was content with hitching a ride in Pickle Inspector's car. Now, normally Kanaya wouldn't mind having to hitch a ride with Pickle Inspector, and in fact enjoyed his company when he wasn't staring at her disconcertingly. The problem was that sometimes he brought his apprentice with him.

"So...it's pretty cloudy today, don't you think?" Pickle Inspector said, trying to break the tension.

"It's ok." Problem Sleuth said.

"WWell I think it's pretty fucking wwindy today." Eridan said, absent-mindedly touching the bolts on his head. "I saww a bunch of plants get cut in half by the breeze."

"Funny. And Here I Thought You Hipsters Couldn't Understand The Concept Of Irony."

"You wwatch your mouth Maryam if you don't wwant to be split apart by my SCIENCE-enhanced super strength!"

"Not A Problem. By The Time You Raise Your Meaty Fists To Crush My Skull My Chainsaw Would've Ripped And Torn Through Your Frankenstinian Flesh."

"Not if I bloww another hole through your body wwith my science wwand! I swwear Kanaya, I wwill avenge my death at your dainty, chainsaww-wwielding hands!"

"Ampora Are You Trying To Pursue A Caliginous Romance With Me? You Should Realize That Killing Me Is Not Grounds To Recieve Hatred Of A Sexual Manner."

Eridan looked crestfallen. "I just thought that twwo people wwho kicked the bucket wwould be wwilling to 'kick the bucket' if you knoww wwhat I mean."

Kanaya was outraged. "That Is An Obscene Comment And If I Was Not Restrained By My Seatbelt I Would Cut To The Chase And Slice You To Pieces."

"Ohhh, Kanaya..." Eridan's cheeks flashed purple.

"Isn't young love adorable, Sleuth?"

"Love? Zey're at each ozer's throats, Inspector!"

"Well she is a vampire."

After what seemed like an eternity of awkward ogling and angry stares they arrived at one of the midnight crew's night clubs. Problem Sleuth and Kanaya got out of the car, and as PI drove off Kanaya swore she saw Eridan giving her a flirtatious wink.

"Now zen, my dear." Problem Sleuth gestured to the club's door. "Let uz go seduce some vomen, yes?

A/N

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This was supposed to be all about Kanaya hitting on Rose, Vriska and Terezi, but somehow it turned into a verbal fight between Vampire Kanaya and Frankenstein Eridan, complete with awful cutting puns. I'll probably post part 2 of this next week, unless I decide that Gummi-Worm Zombie Feferi should make an appearance.

Kanaya's white suit is a reference to one of Emesis' awesome Kanaya arts.

[Jim Groovester]

The Sapphire of Alternia, Part 12

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The phone rings. It firsts works its way into Problem Sleuth’s dreams as an annoying ringing before he realizes it’s actually the phone. He starts the slow process of pulling his eyes apart. Green moonlight filters in through the blinds on the window, illuminating the clock on the wall. The middle of the night. Whoever’s calling you better have a damn good reason for calling you in the middle of the night.

Problem Sleuth reaches over and picks up the phone. “Hello?” He sleepily mumbles.

Nobody immediately answers.

“Hello?” Sleuth asks again, annoyed. “Look, whoever you are, I don’t appreciate being crank called in the middle of the night, so if you don’t start talking I’m-”

“You’re long overdue for answers.” The woman on the other end finally speaks. “Meet me at Alternia Park. Come alone.” She hangs up.

==>

You’re pretty sure you know who that was.

Doesn’t mean you have to like it.

Problem Sleuth hangs up the receiver and lies back on the bed. His sheets are going to need washing soon, with how he’s getting his clothes bloody and dirty getting into fights all the time. And then how he sleeps in his clothes all the time and spreads the filth. Another problem for some other day.

He sits himself up on his bed. He’s sore. Damn sore. But it’s not as bad as it was when he got home. He stands himself up. It hurts, but it’s manageable. He opens the door out of his bedroom.

==>

You’re surprised the building’s still standing, much more that your apartment hasn’t been torn to shreds.

Problem Sleuth flips on a light. Transportation Deferrer and Persevering Maillady must have cleared out a couple hours ago. Sleuth’s hat and coat and tie are on the table. Most of the crusted blood has been washed off but his clothing items still bear red stains. That was nice of them, whoever did that.

Sleuth walks back into his bedroom and into the bathroom. He flips on the light and squints at the sudden brightness. He looks into the mirror.

==>

Hello, handsome.

Those black eyes, bruised jaws, and gashes all over your face accentuate your rugged natural features. You should get some more. It really works well for you.

You probably will.

Sleuth grabs a washcloth, wets it, and starts cleaning his head and neck off. Filth, scabs, and sweat all come off his face. He’s nowhere near presentable. But it’s a start. If Wealthy Quantifier expects tidiness from the men she hires, well, she’s got another thing coming.

How is Sleuth even going to get to Alternia Park? He doesn’t have a car. He can’t, more like doesn’t, want to call Transportation Deferrer. Best to keep her as uninvolved as possible, and Sleuth doesn’t want to face either her or Maillady right now.

Sleuth turns off the faucet and throws the washcloth on the counter. He walks into the bedroom and picks up the phone. Time to ask for a favor.

Problem Sleuth: Call backup.

It’s not that you think Wealthy Quantifier’s dangerous. It’s all the people who are after her sapphires you gotta worry about.

You’d feel a lot more at ease if you had somebody you trust watching your back.

Ace Dick: Take the call.

You can’t take the call because you’re not near a phone!

==>

You hang up. What the hell is that short fat bastard up to?

He’s probably busy snoring like a freight train with all his phones’ receivers smashed against a wall for a bit of fun or repossessed by the phone company for not paying the bills.

You always assume the worst case scenario about Ace Dick.

Pickle Inspector: Express similar aggravation about being called in the middle of the night.

You pick up the phone. You politely inform the person on the other end that it is considered rude to call an individual at such a late hour unless there is an important issue.

You are quite certain you made your point. Whoever called you knows you mean business.

==>

On the other end is Problem Sleuth. He says he needs back up.

You inform him that you will arrive at his apartment shortly.

Problem Sleuth hangs up the phone and moves to the main room of his apartment. He ties his tie, throws on his hat, and puts on his coat. He grabs his key, and checks the amount of bullets. He moves to the kitchen and opens the freezer and pulls out a box of bullets, loading them into his gun. He pulls a drum for his key ring and reloads it. He holds his hairpin up to his eye. He’s going to need to visit an ammo store to get this thing reloaded. There’s not enough room in his ammo safe for belts holding large caliber bullets.

==>

You’re locked and loaded.

Time to see what this dame wants.

Problem Sleuth closes the door to the freezer and walks to the door. He turns the doorknob. It’s locked.

==>

How is this door even locked? Maybe one of them has a key to your apartment that they haven’t told you about. You should ask them about that sometime.

It’s dangerous to have keys without a permit. Not that you have one. In fact, you’re pretty sure carrying around a military grade hairpin is a felony. Regardless, they shouldn’t be carrying around dangerous unlocking tools like that without knowing how to use them.

You’re concerned for their safety, of course, and you’re not the least bit jealous about them being able to lock your apartment door when you can’t.

==>

You return things to their natural state and flip the deadbolt. Your apartment is open to all comers, just like it was always meant to be.

Problem Sleuth closes the door behind him and heads down to the street. Pickle Inspector pulls up in his car at the same time. He doffs his hat at Sleuth, and Sleuth gives him a wave.

“Move over, Inspector.” Sleuth says with mock authority. “I’m driving.”

Pickle Inspector puts the car in park and moves to the passenger seat. Like a sap. Problem Sleuth opens the driver’s door and gets in the car. “You’re a sap, Inspector.”

Pickle Inspector smiles. “So you have indicated on previous occasions.”

Problem Sleuth puts the car in drive and starts driving. “What kind of man lets another man drive his car?” Sleuth chastises. “It’s damn shameful, is what it is.”

“What kind of man takes from others for the sole reason that he can?” Inspector retorts.

Sleuth gives it a moment’s thought. “Fair enough.”

Silence passes between the two for a moment. “What will I be assisting you with, Sleuth?” Inspector asks.

“I’m meeting Wealthy Quantifier in Alternia Park. The Midnight Crew and the Felt are watching me. It’s about the Sapphire of Alternia.” Pickle Inspector stares at Sleuth. Sleuth takes his eyes off the road to meet Inspector’s ogle. His eyes are wide with surprise. But unmoving. And unnerving. “Stop that.”

“That explains everything quite concisely.” Inspector says. “Fortunate that I came prepared.” Inspector pulls his sextant out of his coat and looks it over.

“Have you used that thing recently?” Sleuth asks.

“No.” Inspector replies, looking over the sniper rifle. “But I am still more than capable with it.”

“Diamonds Droog could be out there. You think you still got it enough to beat him?”

“Diamonds Droog.” Inspector scoffs. “He knows marksmanship like Ace Dick knows fantasyscapes and Spades Slick knows self control.”

“Just had to make sure, Inspector.” Sleuth grins. “Where is Dick anyway? Seems like he’s been making himself scarce recently.”

“I noticed that as well.” Inspector says. “Unfortunately I have no explanation. He is a difficult person to get into contact with under normal circumstances. Perhaps this is not anything remarkable.”

“Wherever he is he needs to hurry up and make himself available. I could use somebody who can go toe to toe with Hearts Boxcars. And Cans, if Dick’s eaten something spicy.”

“I hope your meeting with Wealthy Quantifier will not require that.”

“Me too.” Sleuth says.

Problem Sleuth rounds a corner and parks alongside the street. Problem Sleuth gets out, locks the door and tosses the car keys to Pickle Inspector. He catches it with a startle.

The Alternian Nature Preserve, as it’s officially known, is an experimental effort at restoring a small piece of the dead planet’s flora. The hope among the socialites who funded it was that it would be a test run for reseeding the planet on a much larger scale. While a success, it proved prohibitively expensive, with the search for intact seeds that survived the cataclysm and hundreds of years of wasteland conditions on its own costing far too much. After the experiment, it was repurposed into a park and opened to the public.

It lies on neutral ground between the Felt and the Midnight Crew and every other gang that’s risen and fallen in this city, not as a result of indecisive conflict but through choice. Alternia Park stands as a monument to the dead planet, both to its former glory and the death of its restitution. Even the gangs understand its significance and don’t dare to disturb it.

Doesn’t mean Sleuth won’t get ambushed here. The Sapphire of Alternia is making everybody crazy.

Sleuth puts his hands in his coat pockets, gripping his key tightly. He turns to Inspector. “Watch my back.” He says. Inspector nods.

Problem Sleuth enters Alternia Park. The green and purple moons cast colored shadows in different directions. The path winds between trees whose branches reach out over it in a menacing manner. Ponds and lakes reflect lamplight dimly onto the shores, and the reflection of the moons ripple.

It is dead silent. The tapping of Sleuth’s shoes on the concrete path seems loud compared to the silence all around him.

“Problem Sleuth.”

Sleuth turns around, key drawn. Wealthy Quantifier is standing in front of him in a white trench coat. A hat with a low brim conceals her face, and in her hand is a cigarette holder. “A man could mistake you for someone else. Albeit she shows more leg, and the black carapace works better for her during the night anyway.” Sleuth says, putting his key away.

Wealthy Quantifier huffs. “I am not fond of comparisons to my dark counterpart even though by my very existence such comparisons are naturally invited. I suppose the day suits me better, doesn’t it?” Sleuth nods. “And the night likewise suits her better. Even as former monarchs we each seemed to have gained separate yet opposed domains.” She says. “I have been following you since you entered the park, Problem Sleuth. I expected that you would have noticed immediately.”

“You’re dead quiet. I didn’t notice a thing. Good thing you’re not out to kill me.” Sleuth says. “Or are you.” He frowns accusatorily.

“You deserve more than I’ve given you, but we’ll discuss that in a moment. Pickle Inspector,” Quantifier calls in a sing song. “You can come out now.”

Pickle Inspector sheepishly walks from behind a tree towards Sleuth and Quantifier.

“He noticed me. I waved to him. Perhaps I should have hired him instead of you. I would assume a basic quality desirable in a private detective would be noticing when somebody is being followed.”

Sleuth glares. Pickle Inspector takes position beside Problem Sleuth and doffs his hat and bows. “It is an honor to meet you again, ma’am.”

“Please, Inspector. That’s unnecessary.” Quantifier says. She scans around the park. “It appears you’re missing a man. Where is the third member of your triumphant triumvirate, defeater of the malevolent mastermind of clandestine crime, Mobster Kingpin?”

“We don’t know.” Sleuth says annoyed.

“Interesting.” Quantifier says.

“How about you quit being tightlipped over just about everything and start telling me what I want to know!” Sleuth shouts.

“Sleuth!” Pickle Inspector shouts in surprise. “This is no way to treat her! She deserves our utmost respect.”

“Listen, Inspector, you got the short version. But this woman,” Sleuth points. “Put me through the two worst days of hell I’ve had in a very long time. I’ve been shot at, followed, beat up, three times, no less, questioned by the police, the Midnight Crew, and the Felt, and what do I find at the end of it? A dead end.” Sleuth says. “I’m running low on respect for clients who aren’t straight with me from the start, and she’s the worst example I’ve ever had.”

Pickle Inspector’s mouth is wide open in shock. A wry grin is spread across Wealthy Quantifier’s lips. “I deserved that, of course.” She admits. “Are you finished?” She asks.

“And all for you damned necklace!” Sleuth finishes. Sleuth looks at the cigarette holder. “And what the hell are you smoking for, I thought you didn’t.”

“Oh, this? You’re right, I don’t smoke.” Wealthy Quantifier says, holding up her cigarette holder. “It’s a trick I learned from my counterpart. It’s for effect. It makes me mysterious if I hold this. Wouldn’t you agree?” She asks. “Although now that you point it out, this is all rather silly.” She looks around. “Except I don’t see any ash trays so I suppose I’ll just have to hold it and look ridiculous while maintaining my air of mystery.” She looks at Sleuth. Sleuth looks flabbergasted. “What? You did ask. Although this does highlight a terrible habit I have.”

“And what’s that?” Sleuth asks.

“Frustratingly mysterious. And I have been that in spades recently.” She admits. “Problem Sleuth, I know you have been trying to contact me. I have been ignoring you deliberately. I’m certain you have questions. I will answer them.”

“You did that deliberately?” Sleuth asks in a raised voice. “And why the hell would you do something like that?”

“It is a very terrible habit.” She says, again with that damned wry smile. “I gave you just enough detail and a direction to look. It appears your reputation as the top problem sleuth in the city is well-earned. Indeed, with little other guidance and input on my part, you discovered everything I wanted you to and more than I expected you to. And in only two days’ time.” Quantifier says. “I must admit, I am very impressed with your progress.”

Sleuth glares. “I don’t like you jerking me around.”

“I apologize. Just as you have a natural inclination to solving problems and making powerful enemies, I have inclinations of my own which I have unfortunately inflicted upon you. But enough talk about myself.” She finishes. “Continue with your questions.”

“You and Murdered Courier.”

“Movement Contractor.”

“Whatever.” Sleuth says. “You hired him to move the Sapphire of Alternia.”

“I did.”

“Where to?”

“That’s irrelevant. Needless to say it would have been somewhere safe. His murder unfortunately caught me by surprise.”

“It caught you by surprise? What are you talking about?” Sleuth asks.

“I did not anticipate that the courier would be killed, nor even intercepted at all. Thus I had to think of a plan and quickly. I apologize, I made a considerable mistake and I need to correct it as soon as possible. You factor heavily into this, but I knew of no other way to convince you to assist me other than through monetary gain. But enough,” Wealthy Quantifier waves her hand. “Ask a different question. Ones whose answers will confirm what you already know instead of ones that necessitate more questions. That will be the most efficient way to get through this midnight rendezvous.”

“Who killed him?” Sleuth asks.

“Who did you think it was? Even when you were wrong.”

“At first I thought it was the Midnight Crew. And then I thought it was the Felt. Both of them said they didn’t do it.”

Quantifier waits a moment. “Neither of them killed Movement Contractor.”

“Then who did?” Sleuth asks.

“That’s getting ahead of ourselves. There’s a few more questions you need to ask.”

Sleuth sighs and glares. “Where is the Sapphire of Alternia?”

“An excellent question. One tied intricately with who killed Movement Contractor. Unfortunately I do not know where it is, else I could recover it myself.” She says. “Keep going.”

“Who robbed you?”

“Excellent question, and very astute of you to ask. But please, there’s one more question.”

Sleuth puzzles for a moment. What is she getting at? Sleuth has asked about the connection between Quantifier and Contractor, who murdered him, where the Sapphire of Alternia was. Everything revolves around that stupid necklace. But why? It’s just a jewel. Or that’s what everybody keeps saying. Anyone who knows about it fights awfully hard to get it. “What is the Sapphire of Alternia?”

“Don’t you remember the piece the newspaper did about me some time ago? I explained what it was there.” Quantifier says with slight sarcasm.

“Do you expect me to believe that?”

“No.” She says. “And that cuts to the core of the issue. Problem Sleuth, the Sapphire of Alternia is far more... interesting than I or anyone else has led you to believe.”

“How so?” Sleuth asks.

“I will not say.” Wealthy Quantifier refuses. “Frustratingly mysterious, but I’m afraid in this instance it is necessary.”

Sleuth groans. “You’re impossible.”

She smiles. “I know.”

“Alright, so if you don’t want to talk about what it is, then tell me about who killed Murdered Courier and took it. They’re the same person, right?”

“Yes.” Quantifier answers. “They are the same group.”

“Group?”

“Indeed.”

“Are these the same people who robbed you?”

“Indeed, they are.”

“Who are they?”

Wealthy Quantifier waits. “You tell me.”

“If they’re a group, and they’re not the Midnight Crew and the Felt, then they must be hired guns working for somebody. And somebody must know a great deal about you.” Sleuth speculates. “But the Felt and the Midnight Crew don’t know about them, else they would’ve told me.”

“Are you certain? Perhaps they kept their inquiries relevant to what they wanted from you.”

“So you’re telling me I have to go find out what they know?” Sleuth asks. “They told me they’re going to kill me.”

“I’m not telling you to do anything. I do not know if they are even aware of this group’s actions.” Wealthy Quantifier says. “You are currently more aware of them than either the Felt or the Midnight Crew.”

Sleuth pause. “What?”

“I’ll allow you to ponder that question and come to the correct conclusion in the due course of time.” Quantifier says. “Problem Sleuth, it is critical that you find the Sapphire of Alternia and that you return it to me. I can not allow it to fall into the wrong hands, and unfortunately, the only safe ones are mine. The questions I have avoided answering are meant to set you on the path towards the necklace once more.”

Sleuth shrugs with his palms outward. “That’s it? After all this, you’re going to tell me what I already know and not even answer my questions?”

“Hardly! For the trouble I have put you through and the trouble you will face on my behalf I will pay you exorbitantly.”

Sleuth thinks it over. “Four times what you’re paying me now.”

“Ten times.” Quantifier smiles.

“Twenty.” Sleuth counters.

“Ten times.” Quantifier repeats.

“Ten times.” Sleuth agrees.

“Will you return it to me, and me alone?” Quantifier asks.

“Of course.”

“Promise me.”

Sleuth puzzles. “Why do you need a promise? As far as I’m concerned your checks are promise enough on my part.”

“Promise me.” Wealthy Quantifier demands.

Problem Sleuth waits. “I promise.”

“Very good.” Quantifier says. She looks at her cigarette holder, the cigarette slowly burning away. “This was such a terrible idea. I need to leave in a mysterious fashion and I can’t even drop the cigarette in the park. I will just have to carry it out of here, looking like a loon in the process.”

“You haven’t been very helpful.” Sleuth says.

“I disagree completely. I have confirmed facts and I have given you leading questions to their connection and drawn attention to details you have otherwise overlooked. I have done everything I can for you without explicitly telling you what is happening.”

Sleuth shoves his hands in his pockets. “It’s a lot easier if you tell me that though.”

“But I’m paying you exorbitantly. And I’ve given you a challenging case and the opportunity to use all your skills to their fullest.” Quantifier says. “You should be thanking me.”

“I’ll thank you if I make it out of this alive.”

“I fully expect that will happen.” Wealthy Quantifier takes a few steps back. “Goodbye, Problem Sleuth.” She says as she turns around. She walks away deeper into the park.

What a load of crap.

Problem Sleuth glances at Pickle Inspector. His face is full of delight. “What are you so happy about?”

“That was fantastic!” Pickle Inspector says with glee. “Are all your cases this interesting?”

“You skipped the parts where I nearly got beaten to death and went straight to the puzzle shit. No wonder you’ve got that stupid smile on your face.” Sleuth grumbles. He walks down the path towards the car. “Take me back to my apartment. I’ve had enough of mysterious dames to last a lifetime.”

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Part of the reason the segment before this was so short was that I needed a good break before this one. Obviously I couldn't say that. That would be revealing too much.

And now things are starting to get really interesting. The plot so far (without spoiling anything) should be accurately guessable at this point, and it should be pretty clear what's going to happen next. If not specifically, then generally.

Also, this thing is huuuge. My usual target for segments is 2000 words, and I pretty frequently get 2500. This one is 3500. Once I started it wrote itself and didn't want to stop.

Anyway, this is a lot of stuff to get through, and I'm wondering if it's all too sudden. Or whether this, the big reveal in the middle of everything, is a good turn of the plot. If you have feedback on it, I'd appreciate it.

Bluh, I'll comment on fics tomorrow.

[Kawa]

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"I just thought that twwo people wwho kicked the bucket wwould be wwilling to 'kick the bucket' if you knoww wwhat I mean."

Best of show right there folks.

[Kassiopeia]

@Red Pen: That was AMAZING. You are the god of pesterfic, its you

[zenieth]

So I was told to post this here. Hope you guys enjoy

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grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
cG: FUCK YOU WHO EVER THE HELL YOU ARE!
gA: Kar
cG: I MEAN FUCK DONT YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT HER?!
gA: Kar
gA: Its Me
cG: HORSE CONKSUNKING MUSCLEBEAST SHIT IT IS!
cG: YOU THINK ITS FUN IMPERSONATING HER? YOU RAGING DOUCHE FUCK ASS!
gA: Kar I Know You Tried To Revive Me With A Corpse Smooch
cG: WAIT, HOPY SHIT. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW I DID THAT?
gA: Kar Im Kanaya
gA: Im Back
cG: FUCK YOU MEAN IT WORKED? YES FUCK YES HELL FUCKING YES
cG: WAIT NO, FUCK NO.
cG: KANAYA AS YOUR LEADER I COMMAND THAT YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ERIDAN, VRISKA(APPARENTLY WHAT SOLLUX TOLD ME) AND ESPECIALLY GAMZEE.
gA: Um Karkat While Your Gesture Was Sweet Thats Not What Brought Me Back
cG: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DID MAGIC FAIRY DUST?
cG: HAHA NO THAT SHIT ISN'T REAL.
gA: Um No I Think Kar I Think Im a Rainbow Drinker
cG: BULL
cG: FUCKING
cG: SHIT!
cG: KANAYA YOU REALY NEED TO LAY OFF OF THAT HUMAN SARCASM, GOG DAMN!
gA: Im Being Serious Karkat I Just Drank Feferi And Terezis Blood And I Liked It
gA: Im Also Kind of Glowing Like A Firefly Now I Mean Wow Im Really Really Shining
cG:...
cG:.........
cG:.............
cG: OKAY LETS ASSUME THAT YOU ARE KANAYA, THAT YOU ARE IN FACT BACK FROM THE DEAD, AND THAT YOU ARE ALSO IN FACT A RAINBOW DRINKER.
cG: EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THE SINGLE MOST FUCKING RETARDED REVELATION I MAY EVER HEAR IN MY NOW BRIEF FUCKING LIFE.
cG: WE STILL HAVE THREE FUCKING MURDEROUS DOUCHEBAGS AROUND, SOLLUX IS BLIND AND YOU APPARENTLY KNOCKED TEREZI OUT. OH GOD. WAIT FUCK, I HEARD A HORN
gA: Kar
cG: OH FUCK!
gA: Kar
cG: OH MAN!
gA: Kar
cG: OH FUCK!
gA: Karkat
cG: OH GOD!
gA: Karkat
cG: OH MAN!
gA: KARKAT VANTAS!
cG: ...YES?
gA: Please Hold Your Excessive Exasperations For Another Point In Time I Understand The Situation That Is At Hand And While I May Currently Be Under Not The Most Pleasant Of Circumstances I Am Rather Certain I Am Aptly Capable Of Assessing And Correcting The Numerous Problems Facing Our Team As Of Late
cG: WAIT WHAT?!
gA: Karkat In Short
gA: Calm The Fuck Down
gA: I Got This

[Kawa]

I for one enjoyed it quite a bit.

[Path]

SOSburb (chapter 7)

Yesss Kyonko! I can completely see Haruhi just smacking Kyonkosprite in excitement in the last lines.

Problem Sleuth glances at Pickle Inspector. His face is full of delight. “What are you so happy about?”

“That was fantastic!” Pickle Inspector says with glee. “Are all your cases this interesting?”

“You skipped the parts where I nearly got beaten to death and went straight to the puzzle shit. No wonder you’ve got that stupid smile on your face.” Sleuth grumbles.

Okay I love Pickle Inspector. I do.
As always, excellent work. I am sort of fascinated by Problem Sleuth's apartment.

gA: Please Hold Your Excessive Exasperations For Another Point In Time I Understand The Situation That Is At Hand And While I May Currently Be Under Not The Most Pleasant Of Circumstances I Am Rather Certain I Am Aptly Capable Of Assessing And Correcting The Numerous Problems Facing Our Team As Of Late
cG: WAIT WHAT?!
gA: Karkat In Short
gA: Calm The Fuck Down
gA: I Got This[/FONT][/B]

It might not be the most clever line coming from any other character, but from Kanaya it's just gold.

[Katrika]

Three more to go before the finale! Links to the first two parts of this, Queen of Storm, Duke of Thorns and Thane of Love, can be found in my signature.

Seer of Time

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My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. Pretty cool, right? Only, it’s really not. I can see the future, or to be more accurate, several future possibilities, but I have to stick to the Alpha Timeline one to avoid dooming us all. I can’t change anything, really. And I can’t tell anyone what I’ve seen, so I guess it’s a good thing they’ve been trusting me on this. I’ve been working so hard to make sure that we get through this okay, and it’s all for nothing.

One of us is going to die tomorrow.

Correction, lots of us are going to die tomorrow. It’s just that all but one of them will be me. You know, the ones from the other timelines. Where I let my guard down, or got tempted, where I failed.

I always, always fail.

He wants to know why I didn’t save Ellen. He wants to fucking know? Because it dooms us, every single time! God fucking DAMMIT, I know this, I KNEW this, and yet, at least HALF of my doomed selves that I’ve recruited started their branching off by saving her! FUCK him, he’s my best friend, or he was! And yet, he honestly thinks I would let her die for shits and giggles! He thinks he has it all figured out, but he doesn’t know SHIT.

I know he hates me. I know what he’s going to do. I can’t stop him. I can’t help that one of us is going to die.

I can’t help this. I’m fucking worthless.

One of us is going to die tomorrow, and I wish it was me. But you know what? I’m going to keep moving. I’m going to do my JOB. Because one of us dying is better then all six of us dying.

He asked me one time why I didn’t just not play sburb, just not recruit everyone else to play. The truth of the matter is, I never knew about it until it was too late. Because if I’d known, I wouldn’t have played, and then we never would have been born.

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. But the things I see, you don’t want to see them. Not even when they’re good. Free will? Ha! I used to believe in free will! But now, now I SEE! There’s no such thing as free will! There never was!

All there is ignorance, and ignorance is BLISS!

[Megafire]

Three more to go before the finale! Links to the first two parts of this, Queen of Storm, Duke of Thorns and Thane of Love, can be found in my signature.

Seer of Time

show spoiler

hide spoiler

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. Pretty cool, right? Only, it’s really not. I can see the future, or to be more accurate, several future possibilities, but I have to stick to the Alpha Timeline one to avoid dooming us all. I can’t change anything, really. And I can’t tell anyone what I’ve seen, so I guess it’s a good thing they’ve been trusting me on this. I’ve been working so hard to make sure that we get through this okay, and it’s all for nothing.

One of us is going to die tomorrow.

Correction, lots of us are going to die tomorrow. It’s just that all but one of them will be me. You know, the ones from the other timelines. Where I let my guard down, or got tempted, where I failed.

I always, always fail.

He wants to know why I didn’t save Ellen. He wants to fucking know? Because it dooms us, every single time! God fucking DAMMIT, I know this, I KNEW this, and yet, at least HALF of my doomed selves that I’ve recruited started their branching off by saving her! FUCK him, he’s my best friend, or he was! And yet, he honestly thinks I would let her die for shits and giggles! He thinks he has it all figured out, but he doesn’t know SHIT.

I know he hates me. I know what he’s going to do. I can’t stop him. I can’t help that one of us is going to die.

I can’t help this. I’m fucking worthless.

One of us is going to die tomorrow, and I wish it was me. But you know what? I’m going to keep moving. I’m going to do my JOB. Because one of us dying is better then all six of us dying.

He asked me one time why I didn’t just not play sburb, just not recruit everyone else to play. The truth of the matter is, I never knew about it until it was too late. Because if I’d known, I wouldn’t have played, and then we never would have been born.

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. But the things I see, you don’t want to see them. Not even when they’re good. Free will? Ha! I used to believe in free will! But now, now I SEE! There’s no such thing as free will! There never was!

All there is ignorance, and ignorance is BLISS!

That is so extremely sad.

Please write more.

[Metaflare]

Three more to go before the finale! Links to the first two parts of this, Queen of Storm, Duke of Thorns and Thane of Love, can be found in my signature.

Seer of Time

show spoiler

hide spoiler

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. Pretty cool, right? Only, it’s really not. I can see the future, or to be more accurate, several future possibilities, but I have to stick to the Alpha Timeline one to avoid dooming us all. I can’t change anything, really. And I can’t tell anyone what I’ve seen, so I guess it’s a good thing they’ve been trusting me on this. I’ve been working so hard to make sure that we get through this okay, and it’s all for nothing.

One of us is going to die tomorrow.

Correction, lots of us are going to die tomorrow. It’s just that all but one of them will be me. You know, the ones from the other timelines. Where I let my guard down, or got tempted, where I failed.

I always, always fail.

He wants to know why I didn’t save Ellen. He wants to fucking know? Because it dooms us, every single time! God fucking DAMMIT, I know this, I KNEW this, and yet, at least HALF of my doomed selves that I’ve recruited started their branching off by saving her! FUCK him, he’s my best friend, or he was! And yet, he honestly thinks I would let her die for shits and giggles! He thinks he has it all figured out, but he doesn’t know SHIT.

I know he hates me. I know what he’s going to do. I can’t stop him. I can’t help that one of us is going to die.

I can’t help this. I’m fucking worthless.

One of us is going to die tomorrow, and I wish it was me. But you know what? I’m going to keep moving. I’m going to do my JOB. Because one of us dying is better then all six of us dying.

He asked me one time why I didn’t just not play sburb, just not recruit everyone else to play. The truth of the matter is, I never knew about it until it was too late. Because if I’d known, I wouldn’t have played, and then we never would have been born.

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. But the things I see, you don’t want to see them. Not even when they’re good. Free will? Ha! I used to believe in free will! But now, now I SEE! There’s no such thing as free will! There never was!

All there is ignorance, and ignorance is BLISS!

Oh man this is glorious, and a little helpful considering one of my trolls is potentially the seer of time.

[Katrika]

Paul has been having a bad day.

...two months.

...4 months with time travel loops.

[Graven_Image]

Three more to go before the finale! Links to the first two parts of this, Queen of Storm, Duke of Thorns and Thane of Love, can be found in my signature.

Seer of Time

show spoiler

hide spoiler

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. Pretty cool, right? Only, it’s really not. I can see the future, or to be more accurate, several future possibilities, but I have to stick to the Alpha Timeline one to avoid dooming us all. I can’t change anything, really. And I can’t tell anyone what I’ve seen, so I guess it’s a good thing they’ve been trusting me on this. I’ve been working so hard to make sure that we get through this okay, and it’s all for nothing.

One of us is going to die tomorrow.

Correction, lots of us are going to die tomorrow. It’s just that all but one of them will be me. You know, the ones from the other timelines. Where I let my guard down, or got tempted, where I failed.

I always, always fail.

He wants to know why I didn’t save Ellen. He wants to fucking know? Because it dooms us, every single time! God fucking DAMMIT, I know this, I KNEW this, and yet, at least HALF of my doomed selves that I’ve recruited started their branching off by saving her! FUCK him, he’s my best friend, or he was! And yet, he honestly thinks I would let her die for shits and giggles! He thinks he has it all figured out, but he doesn’t know SHIT.

I know he hates me. I know what he’s going to do. I can’t stop him. I can’t help that one of us is going to die.

I can’t help this. I’m fucking worthless.

One of us is going to die tomorrow, and I wish it was me. But you know what? I’m going to keep moving. I’m going to do my JOB. Because one of us dying is better then all six of us dying.

He asked me one time why I didn’t just not play sburb, just not recruit everyone else to play. The truth of the matter is, I never knew about it until it was too late. Because if I’d known, I wouldn’t have played, and then we never would have been born.

My name is Paul Perena, and I’m the Seer of Time. I can see the future. But the things I see, you don’t want to see them. Not even when they’re good. Free will? Ha! I used to believe in free will! But now, now I SEE! There’s no such thing as free will! There never was!

All there is ignorance, and ignorance is BLISS!

I have good reason to believe that, would I ever play Sburb, I would be the "of Time" guy. And now I sincerely hope I would not be a Seer.

Katrika, you're amazing. And I am proud to have inspired this.

[Katrika]

I already have some details of the finale worked out. It's not set until I decide on what the last two players are going to be like.

I'm...oddly good at bullshitting together a plot bit by bit.

[DizzySpecibus]

@SkaianRedeemer Thanks for the feedback, I'm still a rather new writer, especially with fanfic, so I may accidentally skim over stuff abruptly, I'll work to fix that. Nice to know you liked it though : )

[apocalypticCritic]

@ Katrika: Nice. That actually fits into my head!canon about how a Seer of Time would work. Except that my thought also includes being able to see into a person's past, like The Felt. God Tier ability, perhaps?