MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[QRQD]

AHIHH Chapter 13

I've been reading this since the beginning, and just want to say that it is absolutely incredible. Your exploration of troll/human cultural differences is excellent, and the fact that you've been preempted topically by canon in the past says a lot about how well you grasp your subject matter. I look forward to you updating it almost as much as I do updates to the main comic.

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Just wanted to point out, though, that current is measured with an ammeter, not a voltmeter.

[mienrose]

Previous parts: 1 2

WHELP

continue Y/N?

>Y

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==> Suddenly, a flashback!

They were expecting a demon, but they never expected this.

Green light flashes at the corners of eternity. Look at it straight on and it will burn your eyes out. Ignore it and it will wrap burning coils around you and swallow you whole. The Blind Prophets are fighting it, because they’re the only ones who can face it or predict it. If even one of them slips for a second the green fire of divine unbeing will consume the entire team. Yellowy sweat drips down from under Sollux’s hairline. For the first time that anyone can remember, Terezi isn’t smiling.

And the green light is the least of anyone’s worries.

The battle goes on for hours – days? – years? – seconds? Time is unravelling as both sides twist it back and forth, spinning and unspinning the hands of the eternal Clock. Three of the green torsos are targeting Dave, an easier kill than Aradia and just as vital to the team’s survival. He loops and duplicates to avoid them, rewinding and fast-forwarding so fast that the rest of the team can’t see the fight. They can see the dead Daves appearing, though. The corpses with their twisted limbs and crushed skulls quickly begin to litter the battlefield. There’s no way to know if one of them is the alpha Dave. The fact that Crowbar hasn’t rejoined the main battle suggests he’s still alive somewhere.

Vriska throws her dice. Seven land showing boxcars. The eighth bounces off Clover’s hat and disappears into the void. John howls Jaaaaaaaade! and Jade executes her sweet catch just in time. If they lose Vriska’s dice they really are doomed. They need all the luck they can get.

You’re doomed anyway. You were always doomed, whispers the voice of the demon in all their heads. Subtract everything from everything and you leave nothing and me.

I will make you nothing.

It’s all you ever were anyway.

Some of them fall to their knees under the weight of the psychic assault. Rose covers her ears. She shouts for psionics but all of the troll psychics are fully occupied. The green torsos take advantage of the team’s confusion to attack. Cans lumbers forward with his hat tilted low over his eyes. His footsteps make the ground shake, and everyone scatters. Only Gamzee is left facing him. He tosses his clubs from one hand to the other.

Doomed.

Cans draws back his fist for a punch and Jade hurls the eighth die back to Vriska and

everything

stops

as the demon in his flashing dreamcoat fixes his green gaze on her and says, no more of that

and he raises a hand.



Frozen in time and space the whole battle waits for the demon’s next move, and there’s Dave alive after all facing off against Crowbar and Itchy and all three of them frozen, there’s John hovering with the wind turning around his outstretched hands, but the wind is frozen too; there’s Kanaya glowing white and green, there’s Terezi whose hair is singed by green fire raising her cane to parry another frozen loop of light, there’s Vriska with her hand up to catch her die, there’s Rose with her needles crossed over her head, there’s Karkat opening his mouth to shout no –

and there’s Jade about to die

and then there are two demons.

The blast of nothing coming from the green demon’s fingertips slices neatly in two along the line of Jack Noir’s sword and blows away harmlessly into the void. The world starts again and Jade is still there. One of Jack’s tentacles wraps around her and flings her off to the side, out of the demon’s line of sight. don't get me wrong i still fucking hate all of you, he says, and then he attacks.


==> Suddenly, a flashforward!

“Next up tonight we’ve got the famous Madam Dupire here to talk about her new book, Your Stars and You! Madam Dupire is a world-famous astrologer and her advice is regularly sought by celebrities both human and troll. In her book she wants to tell you what your zodiac means for your life. Give her a round of applause, folks!”

“Good evening, everyone, thank you so much.”

“No, thank you for being here. Say, I’m a Cephis – can you give me some useful life advice?”

“Well, I’d need a detailed star chart to give you really personal predictions, but if you’re a Cephis you’re probably a very focused, creative person! You should beware though –“

I switched off the TV. You know it’s bad when you’ve been reduced to watching astrology hacks being interviewed on daytime talkshows.

I went and got my computer instead and loaded up the weird forum I’d found –


==> Too far forward, dude.

You shake your head hard to get all the images out.

It’s only since you and your friends KILLED SATAN (or was it GOD?) and CREATED THE UNIVERSE that this has really been a problem. It turns out that a created universe with no First Guardian is UNBELIEVABLY UNSTABLE and since it was you and your three human friends who were really responsible for the creation you are now all also responsible for making sure it doesn’t implode and destroy not only all of spacetime but also all of paradox space, also known as potentialspacetime although you originally encountered a controlled form of it called the Incipisphere. Since none of you have the necessary qualifications for First Guardianship – such as omniscience and omnipotence – you are all finding it quite difficult.

Anyway because of all this weird scifi shit it is now your personal task to oversee the integrity of the entire timeline of this universe in every possible iteration.

Theoretically as Knight of Time you could deal with this responsibility whenever, but unfortunately the universe is quite urgent that you should do it immediately and makes its feelings known by giving you constant visions of the past and future. It was the contents of some of these visions which led you to formulate the extremely dumb plan you are about to put into action.

You’re just waiting for Rose.

Hey, is someone trying to contact you?


==> Answer troll.

apocalypseArisen (AA) began trolling turntechGodhead (TG)

AA: hi dave!
TG: hey
AA: i was thinking about the problem you brought up
AA: and the answer is yes i do think it’s possible!
AA: it almost has to be
AA: since it’s in the nature of potentialspacetime that ANYTHING is possible
AA: which is one of its attractions
AA: as well as one of its dangers!
AA: it’s a bit of a moot point now anyway
AA: as we’re no longer in the Incipisphere and without the sgrub code there’s no way back in
AA: but yes i do think you could alchemize a person
AA: although it’s a bit of a creepy idea really
AA: which is probably why none of us ever tried it
TG: cool
AA: how are the visions?
TG: eh
TG: lately its been loads of that asshole black carapace
TG: and some boring kid in the future who basically does nothing but watch shitty tv
AA: then those two are probably linked in some peculiar paradoxical way!
AA: you must connect them up somehow...
AA: are you sure you don’t want any help?
TG: nah
TG: youre busy doing your mom thing
TG: ive got it covered
AA: :D
AA: the grubs miss you!
AA: they want to know when you’re coming back to see them
AA: i have told them to call you ‘uncle Dave’
AA: i hope that’s all right?
TG: whoa sure
TG: guess i never thought about being an uncle one day
TG: but thats cool
AA: :D :D :D
TG: hey aradia
TG: what if there was a way back into the incipisphere
TG: just hypothetically speaking i mean
AA: well...
AA: i think that would be very dangerous
AA: this universe is already unstable
AA: who knows what ripping more holes in the paradoxical fabric of its creation might do?
AA: besides the Incipisphere was pretty awful most of the time!
AA: i think i prefer real life
AA: don’t you?
TG: g2g rose is here

turntechGodhead (TG) has left the conversation.

_

And elsewhere...

“Oh my goodness John it is so good to see you!” says Jade, flinging herself into John’s arms.

“It’s good to see you too!” John picks her up and spins her around, which makes the sound of her laughter ring out like a bell. When he sets her gently back on her feet Jack is glowering at him. “Uh, hi Jack,” says John politely.

Jack glowers harder. It’s a Jack thing.

“Wow, is this where you’re living now?” Jade asks, eyeing the building behind them which is a weird conglomeration of ladders and canvas. “It looks like a troll hive!”

“It is a troll hive,” says John. “It’s Vriska’s. I don’t really have time to build my own place so she lets me crash here whenever I get tired. It’s really nice of her, actually! I pay her back by moving it for her.”

“It moves?” says Jade.

“Well it takes a lot of wind, but sure!” John points. “See, it’s got wheels. It’s like a boat!”

“That’s really cool!” says Jade.

this is stupid, says Jack.

John and Jade ignore him. “I don’t really have my own place either,” Jade says. “I mean, I can use my space powers to make myself somewhere to stay when I need it, but it feels like cheating, you know? And not like home.”

“We’re going to have to make somewhere that’s a human home for the kids,” John says firmly. “I think that’s just going to be necessary!”

“I think you’re right!”

John and Jade high-five. Jade turns to Jack and says, “We’re going to build a proper human house! With a conservatory and a tower and a transportalizer and a collection of suits of armor and everything!” She holds up her hand for another high-five. Jack stares at her. He stares at her hand. He gives Jade a high-five.

“Um, I’m not sure human houses usually have all of those things,” says John.

Jade ignores him completely. “Okay, but first we should go to the ectobiology lab. Everyone hold onto me!” She offers John and Jack her hands. “We’re going to do this the quick way!”

John has never told Jade that travelling her way makes him feel a bit sick. It certainly is fast! It’s just that the peculiar feeling that space has turned itself inside out and then folded double with you in the middle is a bit upsetting, both for your peace of mind and for your digestive system.

It takes a moment for him to see straight again afterwards. He looks around the lab. It looks mostly the way he remembers it, except –

“What is this?” says John.

“Oh noooo,” says Jade.

Jack draws his sword from his chest and looks around with narrowed eyes.

More narrowed than usual, that is.

The lab is neat and clean and tidy, just the way the trolls left it after Karkat yelled at them for a bit. The only thing out of place is a plush dragon hanging from one of the ceiling pipes in the corner. That and the shards of broken glass around the smashed-up remains of the main control console.

_

Notes below:

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Thank you very much everyone who commented on the last part - I'm glad you enjoyed it! I imagine it's pretty clear by now that this story doesn't have plot so much as it has 'wouldn't it be cool if...?' This is not how I normally write at all and I hope you'll forgive the holes that will inevitably crop up because of that.

[NateDude]

Ugh. I think i'm done with Cave-Stuck for awhile. I'm pushing out chapters too fast and don't spend nearly enough time going back and editing them. When i do continue, we may have much longer chapters.

[Megafire]

Yay! A new HIHH! Okay that looks really weird, but whatever.

Anyway...

Red vs. Blue
The SBURB Chronicles

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-- badassMercenary [BM] began pestering surroundedbyIdiots [SI] --

BM: Church.
BM: Im not happy with this Church.
SI: with what?
BM: You can see everything I do.
BM: Nobody ever sees everything I do.
SI: hey, you should be happy i’m your server.
BM: Of course.
BM: My ex has everything he needs to stalk me.
BM: Why wouldnt I be happy.
SI: yeah, fuck you too.
SI: you don’t have to put up with caboose as your server.
SI: that idiot had no idea what he’s doing.
BM: Because you do.
SI: tex.
SI: don’t go there.
BM: I just remember a toilet being nowhere near where it should be.
SI: i told you to forget about that.
SI: goddamnit tex.
BM: Im still not happy with that either.
SI: deal with it.
SI: at least i’m not tucker.
BM: ...
BM: Forget I said anything.
SI: yeah, how about we make a deal?
BM: Im listening.
SI: how about we both forget about the thing the other absolutely didn’t do?
BM: Deal.
SI: seriously?
SI: no arguing or bitching or anything?
BM: No Im good.
SI: that’s impressive tex.
SI: seriously, i’m impressed.
SI: what did you prototype with anyway?
SI: i couldn’t keep track of you, with how fast you were going.
SI: wait.
SI: please tell me those imps aren’t laughing.
SI: tex, what the fuck did you do?
SI: why did you prototype with that?
SI: why would you ever prototype with that?
BM: I thought Id give you pansies a challenge.
SI: so you prototyped O’MALLEY!
SI: are you crazy!
BM: Are you scared?
BM: Knight of Hope?
SI: fuck you.
SI: witch of breath.
BM: Excuse me.
SI: that’s your title.
SI: i can change it to bitch of breath, if you want.
SI: that’ll stick.
BM: Fuck you asshole.
SI: yeah, fuck you too.

-- surroundedbyIdiots [SI] ceased pestering badassMercenary [BM] --

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And that's the second scene.

Tex's chumhandle is fairly simple, considering what she's like.

O'MalleySprite. I am going to have so much fun with that.

Also, I was going to write a scene between Sarge and LopezSprite, but I know absolutely no Spanish, so that wasn't going anywhere, sorry.

[apocalypticCritic]

Previous parts: 1 2

WHELP

continue Y/N?

>Y

show spoiler

hide spoiler

==> Suddenly, a flashback!

They were expecting a demon, but they never expected this.

Green light flashes at the corners of eternity. Look at it straight on and it will burn your eyes out. Ignore it and it will wrap burning coils around you and swallow you whole. The Blind Prophets are fighting it, because they’re the only ones who can face it or predict it. If even one of them slips for a second the green fire of divine unbeing will consume the entire team. Yellowy sweat drips down from under Sollux’s hairline. For the first time that anyone can remember, Terezi isn’t smiling.

And the green light is the least of anyone’s worries.

The battle goes on for hours – days? – years? – seconds? Time is unravelling as both sides twist it back and forth, spinning and unspinning the hands of the eternal Clock. Three of the green torsos are targeting Dave, an easier kill than Aradia and just as vital to the team’s survival. He loops and duplicates to avoid them, rewinding and fast-forwarding so fast that the rest of the team can’t see the fight. They can see the dead Daves appearing, though. The corpses with their twisted limbs and crushed skulls quickly begin to litter the battlefield. There’s no way to know if one of them is the alpha Dave. The fact that Crowbar hasn’t rejoined the main battle suggests he’s still alive somewhere.

Vriska throws her dice. Seven land showing boxcars. The eighth bounces off Clover’s hat and disappears into the void. John howls Jaaaaaaaade! and Jade executes her sweet catch just in time. If they lose Vriska’s dice they really are doomed. They need all the luck they can get.

You’re doomed anyway. You were always doomed, whispers the voice of the demon in all their heads. Subtract everything from everything and you leave nothing and me.

I will make you nothing.

It’s all you ever were anyway.

Some of them fall to their knees under the weight of the psychic assault. Rose covers her ears. She shouts for psionics but all of the troll psychics are fully occupied. The green torsos take advantage of the team’s confusion to attack. Cans lumbers forward with his hat tilted low over his eyes. His footsteps make the ground shake, and everyone scatters. Only Gamzee is left facing him. He tosses his clubs from one hand to the other.

Doomed.

Cans draws back his fist for a punch and Jade hurls the eighth die back to Vriska and

everything

stops

as the demon in his flashing dreamcoat fixes his green gaze on her and says, no more of that

and he raises a hand.



Frozen in time and space the whole battle waits for the demon’s next move, and there’s Dave alive after all facing off against Crowbar and Itchy and all three of them frozen, there’s John hovering with the wind turning around his outstretched hands, but the wind is frozen too; there’s Kanaya glowing white and green, there’s Terezi whose hair is singed by green fire raising her cane to parry another frozen loop of light, there’s Vriska with her hand up to catch her die, there’s Rose with her needles crossed over her head, there’s Karkat opening his mouth to shout no –

and there’s Jade about to die

and then there are two demons.

The blast of nothing coming from the green demon’s fingertips slices neatly in two along the line of Jack Noir’s sword and blows away harmlessly into the void. The world starts again and Jade is still there. One of Jack’s tentacles wraps around her and flings her off to the side, out of the demon’s line of sight. don't get me wrong i still fucking hate all of you, he says, and then he attacks.


==> Suddenly, a flashforward!

“Next up tonight we’ve got the famous Madam Dupire here to talk about her new book, Your Stars and You! Madam Dupire is a world-famous astrologer and her advice is regularly sought by celebrities both human and troll. In her book she wants to tell you what your zodiac means for your life. Give her a round of applause, folks!”

“Good evening, everyone, thank you so much.”

“No, thank you for being here. Say, I’m a Cephis – can you give me some useful life advice?”

“Well, I’d need a detailed star chart to give you really personal predictions, but if you’re a Cephis you’re probably a very focused, creative person! You should beware though –“

I switched off the TV. You know it’s bad when you’ve been reduced to watching astrology hacks being interviewed on daytime talkshows.

I went and got my computer instead and loaded up the weird forum I’d found –


==> Too far forward, dude.

You shake your head hard to get all the images out.

It’s only since you and your friends KILLED SATAN (or was it GOD?) and CREATED THE UNIVERSE that this has really been a problem. It turns out that a created universe with no First Guardian is UNBELIEVABLY UNSTABLE and since it was you and your three human friends who were really responsible for the creation you are now all also responsible for making sure it doesn’t implode and destroy not only all of spacetime but also all of paradox space, also known as potentialspacetime although you originally encountered a controlled form of it called the Incipisphere. Since none of you have the necessary qualifications for First Guardianship – such as omniscience and omnipotence – you are all finding it quite difficult.

Anyway because of all this weird scifi shit it is now your personal task to oversee the integrity of the entire timeline of this universe in every possible iteration.

Theoretically as Knight of Time you could deal with this responsibility whenever, but unfortunately the universe is quite urgent that you should do it immediately and makes its feelings known by giving you constant visions of the past and future. It was the contents of some of these visions which led you to formulate the extremely dumb plan you are about to put into action.

You’re just waiting for Rose.

Hey, is someone trying to contact you?


==> Answer troll.

apocalypseArisen (AA) began trolling turntechGodhead (TG)

AA: hi dave!
TG: hey
AA: i was thinking about the problem you brought up
AA: and the answer is yes i do think it’s possible!
AA: it almost has to be
AA: since it’s in the nature of potentialspacetime that ANYTHING is possible
AA: which is one of its attractions
AA: as well as one of its dangers!
AA: it’s a bit of a moot point now anyway
AA: as we’re no longer in the Incipisphere and without the sgrub code there’s no way back in
AA: but yes i do think you could alchemize a person
AA: although it’s a bit of a creepy idea really
AA: which is probably why none of us ever tried it
TG: cool
AA: how are the visions?
TG: eh
TG: lately its been loads of that asshole black carapace
TG: and some boring kid in the future who basically does nothing but watch shitty tv
AA: then those two are probably linked in some peculiar paradoxical way!
AA: you must connect them up somehow...
AA: are you sure you don’t want any help?
TG: nah
TG: youre busy doing your mom thing
TG: ive got it covered
AA:
AA: the grubs miss you!
AA: they want to know when you’re coming back to see them
AA: i have told them to call you ‘uncle Dave’
AA: i hope that’s all right?
TG: whoa sure
TG: guess i never thought about being an uncle one day
TG: but thats cool
AA:
TG: hey aradia
TG: what if there was a way back into the incipisphere
TG: just hypothetically speaking i mean
AA: well...
AA: i think that would be very dangerous
AA: this universe is already unstable
AA: who knows what ripping more holes in the paradoxical fabric of its creation might do?
AA: besides the Incipisphere was pretty awful most of the time!
AA: i think i prefer real life
AA: don’t you?
TG: g2g rose is here

turntechGodhead (TG) has left the conversation.

_

And elsewhere...

“Oh my goodness John it is so good to see you!” says Jade, flinging herself into John’s arms.

“It’s good to see you too!” John picks her up and spins her around, which makes the sound of her laughter ring out like a bell. When he sets her gently back on her feet Jack is glowering at him. “Uh, hi Jack,” says John politely.

Jack glowers harder. It’s a Jack thing.

“Wow, is this where you’re living now?” Jade asks, eyeing the building behind them which is a weird conglomeration of ladders and canvas. “It looks like a troll hive!”

“It is a troll hive,” says John. “It’s Vriska’s. I don’t really have time to build my own place so she lets me crash here whenever I get tired. It’s really nice of her, actually! I pay her back by moving it for her.”

“It moves?” says Jade.

“Well it takes a lot of wind, but sure!” John points. “See, it’s got wheels. It’s like a boat!”

“That’s really cool!” says Jade.

this is stupid, says Jack.

John and Jade ignore him. “I don’t really have my own place either,” Jade says. “I mean, I can use my space powers to make myself somewhere to stay when I need it, but it feels like cheating, you know? And not like home.”

“We’re going to have to make somewhere that’s a human home for the kids,” John says firmly. “I think that’s just going to be necessary!”

“I think you’re right!”

John and Jade high-five. Jade turns to Jack and says, “We’re going to build a proper human house! With a conservatory and a tower and a transportalizer and a collection of suits of armor and everything!” She holds up her hand for another high-five. Jack stares at her. He stares at her hand. He gives Jade a high-five.

“Um, I’m not sure human houses usually have all of those things,” says John.

Jade ignores him completely. “Okay, but first we should go to the ectobiology lab. Everyone hold onto me!” She offers John and Jack her hands. “We’re going to do this the quick way!”

John has never told Jade that travelling her way makes him feel a bit sick. It certainly is fast! It’s just that the peculiar feeling that space has turned itself inside out and then folded double with you in the middle is a bit upsetting, both for your peace of mind and for your digestive system.

It takes a moment for him to see straight again afterwards. He looks around the lab. It looks mostly the way he remembers it, except –

“What is this?” says John.

“Oh noooo,” says Jade.

Jack draws his sword from his chest and looks around with narrowed eyes.

More narrowed than usual, that is.

The lab is neat and clean and tidy, just the way the trolls left it after Karkat yelled at them for a bit. The only thing out of place is a plush dragon hanging from one of the ceiling pipes in the corner. That and the shards of broken glass around the smashed-up remains of the main control console.

_

Notes below:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Thank you very much everyone who commented on the last part - I'm glad you enjoyed it! I imagine it's pretty clear by now that this story doesn't have plot so much as it has 'wouldn't it be cool if...?' This is not how I normally write at all and I hope you'll forgive the holes that will inevitably crop up because of that.

.... WHY THE HELL HAVE I NOT BEEN READING THIS GAH!

Seriously, this is the first part I read and holy crap. So awesome.

After going back and reading the other parts... yeah. Why the hell have I not been reading this? So much awesome.

[Author]

Chalk
I butcher the english language

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Whatever the machine was, Tiffany didn't like the look of it. It wasn't any instinctual mistrust of wizards, although she had to admit to herself she wasn't a fan of them, it had more to do with a mistrust of anything that spun spikes really fast.

Again she cursed Rumplestiltskin or whoever that wizard was that created the game, and she thanked her lucky stars (and for a witch stars were truly a source of luck) that he had decided not to play with them. Instead he had gotten his understudy to play for him, as a test subject.

His test subject, Rincewind, had invented a spell (an actual spell! He seemed quite pleased with himself for someone who claimed it as a profession...) to allow instantaneous communication. Of course, wizards being wizards, the spell had a little bit of a problem.

Speak of the demons...

OPEN MAGICLOG

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riceWind [RW] began bothering wearingMidnight [WM]

[RW]: h-h-hey
[WM]: O, thine againe.
[WM]: Blast! The magyk is acting up againe!
[RW]: n-n-not my fault
[RW]: S-S-SOMEONE decided that adding the words "p-p-peace and harmony" would make the w-w-world a better place.

twoFlowers [TF] butted in

[TF]: but peace and harmony are everything you'll ever need, bro
[TF]: ooh, you're right, tiff, like, this spell is wiggity wiggity wack!
[WM]: O, that mayeth be the worst glitche we have yet encountered!
[WM]: And belivest I, I speaketh from experience!
[RW]: n-n-not my fault
[WM]: We know, thy bumbling buffoon!
[WM]: Thy hath toldest us several times now.
[WM]: Gods doth strike this blasted spell down with all of thine godly power this is aggrivating.
[RW]: ...
[WM]: Do not.
[RW]: ...
[WM]: Considereth thyself warned, fool!
[RW]: ...
[RW]: n-n-not my fault
[TF]: so not his fault.

howdoiworkThisthing [HT] stumbled upon the conversation

[HT]: HELLO.
[HT]: RINCEWIND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
[HT]: RINCEWIND.
[HT]: WHAT IS THIS GAME YOU SAID I NEEDED TO PLAY?
[HT]: I HAVE TO BE BACK BY SIX.
[RW]: m-m-moo cow?
[HT]: QUITE.
[WM]: Greetings, captaine Vimes.
[HT]: WHAT?
[HT]: WHO ARE YOU?
[WM]: Doeth not you remember me?
[HT]: I'M PRETTY SURE I WOULD REMEMBER SOMEONE WHO CAN'T SPEAK.
[WM]: Thy knoweth what? I giveth up.
[WM]: Fare thee well.
[TF]: See ya later alligator!
[RW]: t-t-that is a really bad glitch.
[TF]: What glitch, bro?

Gods you hate these people.

Characterization: 30%
Prose: 50%
humor: 40%
Having Tiffany Aching call Rincewind a bumbling buffoon: Priceless.

Yesssss.

Vimes is the best at being angry. He is better than Karkat.

[SkaianRedeemer]

They destroy their planet a couple hundreds of times but still survive to get infracted for calling someone a noob?

The universe works exactly as expected.

Fixed that for you.

@meinrose: Great opening, with a lot of good lines, but the ending felt really flat and a abrupt. Still interesting, though! Does Vriska have a pirate ship house? That's the best plan.

@QRQD: Whooops, you are quite right about that particular measuring device! Corrected!

@Megafire: Heh, I hope you mean the acronym, because it does, doesn't it?

[Zero]

Hey guys, I'm sorta in the middle of writing a Adult Troll fic ( its pretty much set with the Troll kids if they had grown up without playing Sgrub) and I find myself making up stuff that while not actually contradicting Canon, its till pretty damn out there with the whole elaborateness. I presume thats Ok right?

[raequiem]

Yay! A new HIHH! Okay that looks really weird, but whatever.

Anyway...

Red vs. Blue
The SBURB Chronicles

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hide spoiler

-- badassMercenary [BM] began pestering surroundedbyIdiots [SI] --

BM: Church.
BM: Im not happy with this Church.
SI: with what?
BM: You can see everything I do.
BM: Nobody ever sees everything I do.
SI: hey, you should be happy i’m your server.
BM: Of course.
BM: My ex has everything he needs to stalk me.
BM: Why wouldnt I be happy.
SI: yeah, fuck you too.
SI: you don’t have to put up with caboose as your server.
SI: that idiot had no idea what he’s doing.
BM: Because you do.
SI: tex.
SI: don’t go there.
BM: I just remember a toilet being nowhere near where it should be.
SI: i told you to forget about that.
SI: goddamnit tex.
BM: Im still not happy with that either.
SI: deal with it.
SI: at least i’m not tucker.
BM: ...
BM: Forget I said anything.
SI: yeah, how about we make a deal?
BM: Im listening.
SI: how about we both forget about the thing the other absolutely didn’t do?
BM: Deal.
SI: seriously?
SI: no arguing or bitching or anything?
BM: No Im good.
SI: that’s impressive tex.
SI: seriously, i’m impressed.
SI: what did you prototype with anyway?
SI: i couldn’t keep track of you, with how fast you were going.
SI: wait.
SI: please tell me those imps aren’t laughing.
SI: tex, what the fuck did you do?
SI: why did you prototype with that?
SI: why would you ever prototype with that?
BM: I thought Id give you pansies a challenge.
SI: so you prototyped O’MALLEY!
SI: are you crazy!
BM: Are you scared?
BM: Knight of Hope?
SI: fuck you.
SI: witch of breath.
BM: Excuse me.
SI: that’s your title.
SI: i can change it to bitch of breath, if you want.
SI: that’ll stick.
BM: Fuck you asshole.
SI: yeah, fuck you too.

-- surroundedbyIdiots [SI] ceased pestering badassMercenary [BM] --

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And that's the second scene.

Tex's chumhandle is fairly simple, considering what she's like.

O'MalleySprite. I am going to have so much fun with that.

Also, I was going to write a scene between Sarge and LopezSprite, but I know absolutely no Spanish, so that wasn't going anywhere, sorry.

O'MalleySprite. I am about twelve hundred percent behind this.

Re: LopezSprite: Isn't that what Google Translate is for? I mean, it's okay if it's a crappy translation because, well, Lopez.

[QRQD]

Hey guys, I'm sorta in the middle of writing a Adult Troll fic ( its pretty much set with the Troll kids if they had grown up without playing Sgrub) and I find myself making up stuff that while not actually contradicting Canon, its till pretty damn out there with the whole elaborateness. I presume thats Ok right?

Unless it breaks forum rules, there's nothing stopping you from posting it. From a quality-control point of view, elaborate weirdness is okay - encouraged, even - as long as it emerges logically from what we know, is presented in an understandable manner, and doesn't require massive out-of-character behaviour from canon characters to work.

[Zero]

Cool, thanks for responding so quick, I should have it up maybe in an hour, that or tomorrow at any rate

[Summergale]

I am not sure what I just did. Inspired by listening to the Strife album.

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Dave darts and dashes between timelines, slipping amongst seconds and minutes with a practiced ease. Duplicates of him slash and stab at any part of Noir they can reach, all measured breathing and stern faces. A fraymotif thunders around him, synced perfectly to each strike. Time is his profession, and he is a master of it. Even the appearance and subsequent disappearance of his clones is timed to perfection, dodge and duck and lash out there, a clockwork pulse in heated veins.

Rose keeps her distance, raining violet-sable energies from above. She warps and twists light until it is close to breaking; sees the arc before it happens and bends it to her unwavering will. Her own fraymotif is almost the sound of a violin, high and keening above Dave's guitar strings. Rose's golden hair whips into a frenzy as her dress flutters and snaps about her, midnight in deadly motion. She is bathed in her element, even here where there is no ambient light - rays of every colour, shifting a constant melody across her book-pale skin.

John throws himself into the action, twirling his hammer and swinging it down like he was born to do it. An Heir inherits whatever is left when his elders are gone, and so too did his father's strength pass on to him. Godhood has only strengthened him; he conjures wind where there was none before and with it he becomes fast, faster than Dave in his perpetual loops. The anger of the storm is visible in the tense of his arms, the peace of a zephyr lightens his feet, and he does it all enviably easily, because he is the greatest of his title, and the wind is in his blood.

Jade sees things when there's nothing there; she stands on ledges away from the action and folds space in on itself to create whatever her allies need. Her shots are there to support, not to destroy, but she does her fair share too. A consistent blam blam blam of gunshots, rippling the world around her like water. A prism in Rose's palm to split her shots upon, an imagined hammer for John to assail with, a sword of the same for Dave, she aids without any return and likes it that way. She is safe because of the prototyping.

The trolls are a maelstrom all unto themselves, fourteen individual breeds of power clashing into a single target. A ring and two staves: a larger target there never was, and they make full advantage. Swarms of time-clones draped in red, eight dice rattling in a slender palm, a slick sheen of sweat, all of these things at once and then more. Their fraymotifs are a cacophony of sound that mixes into something more, a beautiful chaotic melody that complements them perfectly - a wide range of sound for a wide range of personalities.

time light breath space blood time breath doom heart space mind light void rage hope life

[lantadyme]

Sight, Mind

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Karkat doesn't even know where they are, anymore, but he's fairly sure that Gamzee shouldn't have been able to track them here. They cut through Sollux's room to get here, after all, and there's no way the indigo-blooded troll should have been able to follow them through the transportalizer. Maybe it was pure bad luck that Gamzee had managed to find another way here; maybe Vriska has become just so lucky that she's begun to passively leach it from everyone else on the meteor rather than just stealing it when she's actively in combat.

It doesn't really matter now, though, as the two of them are cornered - literally cornered with the juncture of two smooth walls at their backs and the murderous clown in front of them - and wondering how he got there won't make Gamzee go away. Karkat pushes Sollux behind him, and he has to envy his friend's blindness. It won't make Sollux end up any less dead, of course, but at least he doesn't have to see the scratches and smears of blood, doesn't have to see the way that Gamzee's usually vacant eyes have become a little too sharp and bright.

Karkat wonders, given that there's no way in hell either of them are getting out of this alive, if he's really doing Sollux any favors in trying to protect the blind troll. Maybe it would be kinder to let his friend die quickly. Maybe he just doesn't have the nerve to watch Sollux die again.

His hand shifts on the grip of a sickle, but it's useless, the blade pinned to the wall with the blunt mass of a club, with more strength than Karkat realized the other had. Gamzee leans in until their faces almost touch, until in Karkat's vision, the smears of errant paint and blood all blur together and then there's only the hard yellow of Gamzee's eyes. Karkat had thought he was terrified when he read Gamzee's text, but that's nothing compared to the low, almost husky sound of his voice. "Tell me, best bro, what's be your position on miracles?"

Karkat glares back - if there's one thing Karkat can do under pressure, it's glare - and Gamzee's face twists in rage. "I SAID, WHAT'S YOUR MOTHERFUCKING POSTION ON MOTHERFUCKING MIRALCES, KARKAT?" As he yells, Karkat cowers a little, hating himself as he does so - hah, Karkat hating himself, what else is new - and he can feel Sollux's horns digging into his back as he crowds the corner.

"You know, I think he probably heard you the first time."

Gamzee turns so quickly that he smacks Karkat in the side of the head with one of his horns - Karkat isn't even sure how that happens; Gamzee has pretty big horns but it's not like they stick out way to the sides like Tavros' did. Karkat shakes his head slightly to clear it, peering past the clown, hoping that somehow what he sees will not match up with what he heard. But no, of course, it's Terezi standing there on the other side of the room, hands folded over the top of a dragon-headed cane, and Karkat feels for a moment as if someone, somehow, has replaced his mutant blood with ice water.

"What the fuck, Terezi, get out of here!" he shouts, and finds that Gamzee's inattention has freed his weapon. He tries to bring the sickle to bear, and the club snaps out again, this time catching Karkat's wrist against the wall instead of his blade. Karkat chokes out a string of foul language, vision momentarily tinted red and white with pain as he feels the bones of his wrist shift and crack under the pressure.

"Shut up," Gamzee says, leaning in beside Karkat's ear, his voice somewhere between a growl and a purr. Slowly he looks up again, over his shoulder at Terezi, and roars, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and Karkat's ears ring with the sound of Gamzee's voice.

Across the room, Terezi's grin full of sharp teeth and her glassy red eyes are both very wide, and Karkat kind of regrets ever complaining about her being creepy while she was wearing her glasses. The effect without the pointy red lenses is a thousand times worse.

"I mean, you kind of have to let people get a word in... turnwise," she continues, as if Karkat hadn't spoken (and despite the appreciable levels of mortal terror that are currently effecting him, Karkat has to roll his eyes at the verbal artifact of her terrible flirtation with that terrible human guy). "Unless you're just toying with them before you kill them, of course, but I think you'll find that strategy won't hold up in the long term. You'll run out of people to kill."

"So what, you're going to stop me?" Gamzee asks, tilting his head to one side in a way that would be almost comical if he wasn't moments away from murdering one of his closest friends. "Are you going to BRING A MOTHERFUCKING SUBJUGGLATOR TO JUSTICE, CHICA?" His attention is on Terezi now; if not for the club crushing his wrist into the wall, Karkat would think that the clown had forgotten he was there. Karkat wonders if Gamzee has forgotten that Sollux is there, behind him. He wonders if it would make any difference - even if Sollux could sneak away now, it's not as if the freshly-blinded troll would be able to find his way out of the room unassisted.

"What, is there one around?" she asks idly, and Karkat wants to beg her to shut up, to run, but he can't seem to figure out how to make the words form around the terror and the pain in his wrist. If she can smell or hear or whatever his distress, she makes no sign. Casually, she wanders into the middle of the room, her cane tapping softly against the slick metal floor. "Don't get me wrong, Gamzee, you're off to a good start, but you've acknowledged your heritage for what, two hours now? Your enthusiasm is great, but..."

"But what?" Gamzee hisses. Quiet Gamzee is definitely more frightening than loud Gamzee, Karkat decides.

"But it's pretty clear you don't have any idea what you're doing!" Terezi replies. "I mean, you just asked if I was going to bring a subjugglator to justice, and that doesn't even make any sense! It's like asking if I'm going to drown a seadweller."

Jegus, Karkat wonders, why won't she shut up? Why won't she run? Does she really think she can manipulate Gamzee back to some semblance of sanity?

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?" Wait, no, loud Gamzee's worse than quiet Gamzee. Karkat involuntarily draws back again, earning himself a fresh wave of pain from his pinned wrist and an irritated grumble from Sollux, who shifts and drops into a crouch behind him.

"I think I'm talking to a highblood who needs a proper legiscalator to help him figure out where to direct his wrath," Terezi says with a smirk, "so he doesn't waste his time on stupid lowbloods and mutants when there's a back-stabbing blueblood who's been running around breaking all the rules. All of them. Really, Gamzee, I know Karkat's amusing when he's freaked out, but he's small time."

"So now you're all up in telling me how to do my job?"

"I'm just trying to help," she says brightly.

"I DON'T NEED NO HELP FROM NO MOTHERFUCKING TEAL SHIT STAIN!" Gamzee turns to advance on her, raising the club in his hand, and Karkat nearly collapses in surprise as his wrist is released. As Gamzee moves, Terezi's eyes narrow and her nostrils flare, just slightly.

"Now, Karkat!" she shouts, the indolent teasing gone all out of her voice and replaced with urgency.

For a long, horrible, fraction of a moment, Terezi's words make no sense to Karkat, and then from behind him, Sollux is fumbling for Karkat's good hand and pressing the dropped sickle into it. "Go, you useless grubsucker," the blind boy snarls, and, weapon in hand, Karkat finds that the idea of doing something once again makes sense in his fear-addled thinkpan.

Karkat takes off at a sprint, but by the time he catches up Gamzee has reached Terezi's position and grabbed her by one arm, using his other hand to beat her about the head and torso with his club, as she tries ineffectually to block the blows with her cane. Karkat throws himself onto Gamzee's back, and the crazed clown stumbles a little under the unexpected weight, releasing his grip on Terezi.

Karkat's not sure how it happens, what order things happen in or even who did what (although he supposes that it must have been him who struck the blow that really counts, as he's the one with the bladed weapon), but a moment later, he's pulling Gamzee's limp frame off of Terezi, who sits up slowly and spits out a mouthful of teal.

"What happened?" Sollux demands, hesitating in the corner. "Is it over? Is everyone all right?"

Karkat drops to his knees beside Terezi, dropping the bloody sickle and wrapping his good arm - the one without the broken wrist - around her shoulders to support her. "Are you all right?" he asks, echoing Sollux's sentiment because he doesn't seem to be functioning on a level to come up with his own. Terezi slowly regards the indigo-soaked front of her own shirt, and reaches up a hand to wipe the splatter from her face.

"Ick," she says weakly. "Sour grape." Karkat stares at her for a long moment, unsure of just how angry he ought to be, and then dissolves into laughter.

Wow, this is really good. Crazy Gamzee is pretty darn scary and Terezi being her same old Scourge sister self is awesome.

Re: Sburb Patch Notes - Version Update Preview

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The upcoming April update will bring all kinds of new fun to Sburb, and today, the dev team is proud to unveil one new feature planned for implementation in April.

Multi-Specibus Weapons
Alchemizing new gear always seems to be a priority among players, and nothing offers tantalizing new possibilities quite like a new weapon to bash foes with! Sadly, many players alchemize a new weapon, spending thousands of units of multiple types of Grist, only to find the end result isn't compatible with their strife specibus, and the weapon they had so looked forward to wielding ends up being given to a friend, or worse, scrapped altogether.

Well, no more! Starting this April, players will find many of their alchemized weapons can be allocated to more than one type of strife specibus. This change will include legendary-class weapons, blowing the doors open to all kinds of new strife-related possibilities. We can't go into too much detail, but we can reveal that we'll be doing something gloveKind users have wanted for a long time. That's right, the legendary chainsawKind weapon Cayman's Pigsticker will finally be available for gloveKind players to wield!

Stay tuned for more version update previews!

"Cayman's Pigsticker will finally be available for gloveKind players to wield!"

FUCK

YES

hahaha seriously SL? this is the best you can do? no wonder this fuckin game's dying, you keep pandering to casuals

WoW killer my ass

Jesus Christ, AA, why do you still play this game? Every fucking update you're always bitching, "SL's ruining Sburb" this and "the game was better before they implemented dreamselves" that and urrrrgh

This just in: people have been using the same fucking weapons for years. Hell my character's hammerkind and even I'm getting tired of looking at my WoZ, if Piston Fists get doublespecced into hammer I'm looking forward to giving those a try.

why the fuck would you use piston fists over zilly/fna? zilly/fna gives you all the dps of zilly with fna's stun effect

Piston Fists with the right spec gives you four attacks per round; with the right buffs, I've seen people stunlock fucking Greater Shoggoths. I mean yeah it takes longer to kill them that way and I probably wouldn't do it in a group but for solo? Fuck yes I would get myself a pair of PFs.

well this is just fucking great. I finally had enough grist to build a Ribbitar and right after I made the damn thing, this fucking preview goes up on the forums. why the fuck would anyone build an SR when Chain Sawd is obviously going bladekind next update, costs half the grist to build and a quarter of the boondollars to buy at the auction house, and has better dps to boot?

because alchemizing a double-bladed scarlet ribbitar needs TWO of them, and as far as anyone can tell that's still one of the best weapons in the game for doublebladekind users.

Snazzle's got a point though, some things are going to be completely pointless after this update. What diceKind user is going to trust the Flourite Octet when they can dip into hammerKind and make the more reliable Roll For Initiative? Who the hell is even going to allocate clawKind if its entire catalog is covered by gloveKind? Or halberdKind when every halberd can be equipped with spearKind or axeKind?

No way they're making RFI dicekind, it's just a hammer with d20s for heads. At its core it's still just a big hammer.

It wouldn't surprise me if they folded some specibi into others though. I could see all clawkind users being switched to gloveKind, and halberdkind revoked and its users given a free strife allocation.

"just a hammer with d20s for heads"? the fuck you say? RFI kicks ass and its random damage bonuses are all kinds of fun, shit's like using G&W in Smash Bros

spoken like a true noob who never had the talent to go for a zilly. you WOULD like RFI you stupid bastard

(USER WAS INFRACTED FOR THIS POST)

This is your final warning, AA. One more crack like that and I swear you're out of here.

Haha. MMO forums are exactly like this.

Previous parts: 1 2

WHELP

continue Y/N?

>Y

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==> Suddenly, a flashback!

They were expecting a demon, but they never expected this.

Green light flashes at the corners of eternity. Look at it straight on and it will burn your eyes out. Ignore it and it will wrap burning coils around you and swallow you whole. The Blind Prophets are fighting it, because they’re the only ones who can face it or predict it. If even one of them slips for a second the green fire of divine unbeing will consume the entire team. Yellowy sweat drips down from under Sollux’s hairline. For the first time that anyone can remember, Terezi isn’t smiling.

And the green light is the least of anyone’s worries.

The battle goes on for hours – days? – years? – seconds? Time is unravelling as both sides twist it back and forth, spinning and unspinning the hands of the eternal Clock. Three of the green torsos are targeting Dave, an easier kill than Aradia and just as vital to the team’s survival. He loops and duplicates to avoid them, rewinding and fast-forwarding so fast that the rest of the team can’t see the fight. They can see the dead Daves appearing, though. The corpses with their twisted limbs and crushed skulls quickly begin to litter the battlefield. There’s no way to know if one of them is the alpha Dave. The fact that Crowbar hasn’t rejoined the main battle suggests he’s still alive somewhere.

Vriska throws her dice. Seven land showing boxcars. The eighth bounces off Clover’s hat and disappears into the void. John howls Jaaaaaaaade! and Jade executes her sweet catch just in time. If they lose Vriska’s dice they really are doomed. They need all the luck they can get.

You’re doomed anyway. You were always doomed, whispers the voice of the demon in all their heads. Subtract everything from everything and you leave nothing and me.

I will make you nothing.

It’s all you ever were anyway.

Some of them fall to their knees under the weight of the psychic assault. Rose covers her ears. She shouts for psionics but all of the troll psychics are fully occupied. The green torsos take advantage of the team’s confusion to attack. Cans lumbers forward with his hat tilted low over his eyes. His footsteps make the ground shake, and everyone scatters. Only Gamzee is left facing him. He tosses his clubs from one hand to the other.

Doomed.

Cans draws back his fist for a punch and Jade hurls the eighth die back to Vriska and

everything

stops

as the demon in his flashing dreamcoat fixes his green gaze on her and says, no more of that

and he raises a hand.



Frozen in time and space the whole battle waits for the demon’s next move, and there’s Dave alive after all facing off against Crowbar and Itchy and all three of them frozen, there’s John hovering with the wind turning around his outstretched hands, but the wind is frozen too; there’s Kanaya glowing white and green, there’s Terezi whose hair is singed by green fire raising her cane to parry another frozen loop of light, there’s Vriska with her hand up to catch her die, there’s Rose with her needles crossed over her head, there’s Karkat opening his mouth to shout no –

and there’s Jade about to die

and then there are two demons.

The blast of nothing coming from the green demon’s fingertips slices neatly in two along the line of Jack Noir’s sword and blows away harmlessly into the void. The world starts again and Jade is still there. One of Jack’s tentacles wraps around her and flings her off to the side, out of the demon’s line of sight. don't get me wrong i still fucking hate all of you, he says, and then he attacks.


==> Suddenly, a flashforward!

“Next up tonight we’ve got the famous Madam Dupire here to talk about her new book, Your Stars and You! Madam Dupire is a world-famous astrologer and her advice is regularly sought by celebrities both human and troll. In her book she wants to tell you what your zodiac means for your life. Give her a round of applause, folks!”

“Good evening, everyone, thank you so much.”

“No, thank you for being here. Say, I’m a Cephis – can you give me some useful life advice?”

“Well, I’d need a detailed star chart to give you really personal predictions, but if you’re a Cephis you’re probably a very focused, creative person! You should beware though –“

I switched off the TV. You know it’s bad when you’ve been reduced to watching astrology hacks being interviewed on daytime talkshows.

I went and got my computer instead and loaded up the weird forum I’d found –


==> Too far forward, dude.

You shake your head hard to get all the images out.

It’s only since you and your friends KILLED SATAN (or was it GOD?) and CREATED THE UNIVERSE that this has really been a problem. It turns out that a created universe with no First Guardian is UNBELIEVABLY UNSTABLE and since it was you and your three human friends who were really responsible for the creation you are now all also responsible for making sure it doesn’t implode and destroy not only all of spacetime but also all of paradox space, also known as potentialspacetime although you originally encountered a controlled form of it called the Incipisphere. Since none of you have the necessary qualifications for First Guardianship – such as omniscience and omnipotence – you are all finding it quite difficult.

Anyway because of all this weird scifi shit it is now your personal task to oversee the integrity of the entire timeline of this universe in every possible iteration.

Theoretically as Knight of Time you could deal with this responsibility whenever, but unfortunately the universe is quite urgent that you should do it immediately and makes its feelings known by giving you constant visions of the past and future. It was the contents of some of these visions which led you to formulate the extremely dumb plan you are about to put into action.

You’re just waiting for Rose.

Hey, is someone trying to contact you?


==> Answer troll.

apocalypseArisen (AA) began trolling turntechGodhead (TG)

AA: hi dave!
TG: hey
AA: i was thinking about the problem you brought up
AA: and the answer is yes i do think it’s possible!
AA: it almost has to be
AA: since it’s in the nature of potentialspacetime that ANYTHING is possible
AA: which is one of its attractions
AA: as well as one of its dangers!
AA: it’s a bit of a moot point now anyway
AA: as we’re no longer in the Incipisphere and without the sgrub code there’s no way back in
AA: but yes i do think you could alchemize a person
AA: although it’s a bit of a creepy idea really
AA: which is probably why none of us ever tried it
TG: cool
AA: how are the visions?
TG: eh
TG: lately its been loads of that asshole black carapace
TG: and some boring kid in the future who basically does nothing but watch shitty tv
AA: then those two are probably linked in some peculiar paradoxical way!
AA: you must connect them up somehow...
AA: are you sure you don’t want any help?
TG: nah
TG: youre busy doing your mom thing
TG: ive got it covered
AA:
AA: the grubs miss you!
AA: they want to know when you’re coming back to see them
AA: i have told them to call you ‘uncle Dave’
AA: i hope that’s all right?
TG: whoa sure
TG: guess i never thought about being an uncle one day
TG: but thats cool
AA:
TG: hey aradia
TG: what if there was a way back into the incipisphere
TG: just hypothetically speaking i mean
AA: well...
AA: i think that would be very dangerous
AA: this universe is already unstable
AA: who knows what ripping more holes in the paradoxical fabric of its creation might do?
AA: besides the Incipisphere was pretty awful most of the time!
AA: i think i prefer real life
AA: don’t you?
TG: g2g rose is here

turntechGodhead (TG) has left the conversation.

_

And elsewhere...

“Oh my goodness John it is so good to see you!” says Jade, flinging herself into John’s arms.

“It’s good to see you too!” John picks her up and spins her around, which makes the sound of her laughter ring out like a bell. When he sets her gently back on her feet Jack is glowering at him. “Uh, hi Jack,” says John politely.

Jack glowers harder. It’s a Jack thing.

“Wow, is this where you’re living now?” Jade asks, eyeing the building behind them which is a weird conglomeration of ladders and canvas. “It looks like a troll hive!”

“It is a troll hive,” says John. “It’s Vriska’s. I don’t really have time to build my own place so she lets me crash here whenever I get tired. It’s really nice of her, actually! I pay her back by moving it for her.”

“It moves?” says Jade.

“Well it takes a lot of wind, but sure!” John points. “See, it’s got wheels. It’s like a boat!”

“That’s really cool!” says Jade.

this is stupid, says Jack.

John and Jade ignore him. “I don’t really have my own place either,” Jade says. “I mean, I can use my space powers to make myself somewhere to stay when I need it, but it feels like cheating, you know? And not like home.”

“We’re going to have to make somewhere that’s a human home for the kids,” John says firmly. “I think that’s just going to be necessary!”

“I think you’re right!”

John and Jade high-five. Jade turns to Jack and says, “We’re going to build a proper human house! With a conservatory and a tower and a transportalizer and a collection of suits of armor and everything!” She holds up her hand for another high-five. Jack stares at her. He stares at her hand. He gives Jade a high-five.

“Um, I’m not sure human houses usually have all of those things,” says John.

Jade ignores him completely. “Okay, but first we should go to the ectobiology lab. Everyone hold onto me!” She offers John and Jack her hands. “We’re going to do this the quick way!”

John has never told Jade that travelling her way makes him feel a bit sick. It certainly is fast! It’s just that the peculiar feeling that space has turned itself inside out and then folded double with you in the middle is a bit upsetting, both for your peace of mind and for your digestive system.

It takes a moment for him to see straight again afterwards. He looks around the lab. It looks mostly the way he remembers it, except –

“What is this?” says John.

“Oh noooo,” says Jade.

Jack draws his sword from his chest and looks around with narrowed eyes.

More narrowed than usual, that is.

The lab is neat and clean and tidy, just the way the trolls left it after Karkat yelled at them for a bit. The only thing out of place is a plush dragon hanging from one of the ceiling pipes in the corner. That and the shards of broken glass around the smashed-up remains of the main control console.

Dude. Seriously. Don't stop writing this. It has me really intrigued and I think it does better for not having a set plot. The first section is just awesome because you fit so much into so few words. Excellent stuff so far.

[Path]

time light breath space blood time breath doom heart space mind light void rage hope life

That was, to use the term in its true form, legendary.

[Summergale]

time light breath space blood time breath doom heart space mind light void rage hope life

That was, to use the term in its true form, legendary.

Juat that part, or the whole thing?

also thanks i guess (i can't tell if you're being sarcastic or something, it's hard to tell sometimes)?

[Zero]

Ok guys, here it goes, my 2100+ word monster of a fanfic.



Azure Tears

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Vriska Serket, commander of his imperious condescension’s 7th legion, surveyed the field.
‘Damn these wretched cretins’ she thought bitterly. The campaign had been going flawlessly up until this point. The Quari were tenacious warriors neither asking nor giving quarter. But their ferocity had served them little against the might of her fleets cannons. Yet now they had retreated to the place some of the more fearful trolls were calling ‘The burned lands’. Here the ground broiled and quaked under ones feet. High columns of smoke rose from where the very ground itself broke up and reformed so fast as to seem alive, and the tang of sulphur was ever present. Here her cannons were useless; the risk of destroying the planet and all its inhabitants stayed her hand. She would have to end this war face to face.

So here they were, the 7th legion in almost it’s entirely, arrayed in all their might before the seething horde of the Quari, while high above her ships drifted through the enveloping obsidian clouds, so obscured as to be useless even as a symbol of terror. Ahead the Cavalreapers chatted to themselves idly; making sure weapons were in good condition and that there horses were calm. They were not perturbed by the Quari, nor by the manic chanting of the Threshicutioners, their faces painted in the anticipation of the upcoming slaughter. Vriska had little fear about those particular warriors being scared. They were so bloodlust-drunk they would laugh in the face of an imperial drone with an empty bucket. Giving in to her grim thoughts, she wondered how many would break the apex. She hated having a single squad of them under her command, let alone an entire company. They were a liability to all around them. But things had changed. Now, she was glad of every troll mustered.

Around her pavilion, the Psikers gathered around, awaiting their instructions. Vriska had always imagined a life in the Psicorps, but fate had an altogether different plan for her. The hemospectrum had to be enforced at all costs, and with the lack of blue bloods left, all those remaining had to assume the role of authority, regardless of their particular skill, or she thought with a sniff of contempt, there lack thereof. The succession war had been brutal, even by her standards. When the eleven day empress had succeeded the one who had gone before, promising radical social reform, it had split the high-bloods right down the middle. The ones who would follow the Empress, even to the utter ruination of everything they stood for, and the traitors who stood for the purest Trollian ideals. Entire colonies were bathed in atomic fire. The entire empire was on the brink of collapse. Fortunately, she was assassinated by her moirail, one of the few who could get past her monstrosity of a lusus in order to do so. Quickly he had re-established the ideals of their Ancestors, killing all those who had sought to change it. The tradionalists were overwrought with joy. That is, until they were rounded up and culled for their insurrection to the throne. Perhaps she would have been able to admire the manoeuvre a lot more if she didn’t realise how easily she could have been caught in it. As a fresh faced recruit, she had been sent into the heart of the battle against the foes of the empire. It was this which had saved her life. That, and a fortunate coincidence in Flarp companions.

Snapping herself from her reverie, she quickly detailed the Psikers part in the upcoming battle, and then retreated to her private chambers. Casting of her garments, she slipped into her battle armour, and then moved across to her war chest where she kept for Flourite Octet. Holding the dice in her fist, her hand glowing slightly blue from the soft pulsating light contained within the die, Vriska felt a small smile spread across her lips. Her weapon was not the most popular tool of warfare, and certainly not the most convenient, but she felt a fierce attachment to them. Not because they were the weapons of her Ancestor, Spinneret Mindfang, Gambligant extraordinaire, but because to her the dice represented what she was. She was a general. A commander of Trolls, tens of thousands depended on her, lived and died on her decisions. To lose was to lose everything, honour, respect and even her life. There was no bigger gamble than warfare.

Stepping out of her pavilion, Vriska was met with the full blast of the siren bells. They rang three times in quick succession, a high pitch signalling they were under attack. ‘So’ she said aloud, startling a nearby attendant ‘It would appear the Quari have grown restless, well then, we shall have to teach them the virtue of patience.’ Crying out for her banner men, Vriska immediately took stock of the situation. The legion was assembled. Scanning the oncoming horde, she was again startled at the sheer size of the brutes. Towering over an average troll, their musculature sheathed in emerald green scales as strong as a musclebeast’s hide, they seemed almost unstoppable. She smiled as she felt the trembling of fear in her protein chute.

As the Quari charged, Vriska signalled to her attendants for the Pulsetroopers to open fire. Immediately a charge was fired into the air by a hulking contraption located to the rear of her command tent. Rising with a low pitched whine, it burst into a golden nimbus, visible for miles around. The Pulsetroopers situated on a natural embankment to the left on the field, holstered their rifles and unleashed a storm of chaotic blue death upon the rampaging Quari. They died in their hundreds, their agonised cries resounding across the arid valley. Yet it seemed like a drop in the ocean, as their charge barely faltered. The Threshicutioners ran to meet the oncoming array of green, their wails of bloodlust deafening to her ears. Falling upon the enemy, they slashed and sliced with abandon, darting between the slow lumbering strikes of the Quari who found their encompassing size to be a hindrance rather than a help. Everywhere Threshicutioners leaped and twirled, unencumbered by armour. Some had already succumbed to the thrill of the battle, their eyes streaming out blood as they laughed manically, butchering all who came near, be it either friend or foe. Thankfully the numbers remained low, at least for the moment.

The Quari had grown riled with the Pulsetroopers ever-present barrages and assembling a platoon they ran to crush the incessant streams of lasers that rained down upon their heads. Vriska had anticipated this however, and quickly had signalled for the Hemoknights to descend upon the battlefield. Descending from the Flagship they came, their drop pods scaring the earth as they landed. With a thunderous clash they landed among the Quari detachment, heaving them into the air with the awesome force of the collision with the earth. Emerging from the pods, their power armour bearing the insignia of the Imperials finest, the Hemoknights moved quickly to finish off the disorientated detachment, the cries of the Quari rising to a crescendo before being cut brutally short by the crystal-wrought armaments of the Hemoknights. Casting her glance back to the heat of the battle, Vriska waited for the proper moment to unleash her strike. Seeing the opportunity present itself as a major hole in the battle line appeared as a group of Quari pushed their way through recklessly, Vriska sent another flare soaring into the air. Bursting into a glaring maroon square, the signal for retreat, the Threshicutioners withdrawed quickly, weaving out from the line and sprinting back to the base, leaving those who had broke their apex to a gruesome and short end. The Quari soon overcame their confusion for the enemies’ unprecedented flight and started after them. Their pursuit was cut short, however, by the mental force of the 137 Psychers under her command. Channelling their power all at once they unleashed a unseen, unstoppable ball of pure energy that ripped through the Quari as if they were nothing more than paper. Vriska, her head throbbing from the sheer power of Psi just released, signalled for the Cavalreapers to end this fight.

Charging in on their war steeds, the dull light glinting of their signature black lances, the Cavalreapers met the already disorientated lines of the Quari and devastated them. Rushing deep into the lines, drawing sabres as they left their lances buried deep in the chest of the foes, their steeds biting and kicking all those who came near, the Cavalreapers broke the Quari’s formation. Vriska smiled. The Quari had lost any semblance of order; it was going to be a rout. Spotting one of their leaders, a blazing yellow line upon his brow denoting seniority, trying to rally his comrades, Vriska decided that a little personal intervention wouldn’t go amiss. Grasping control of the Quari Officer’s mind, she led it straight into the path of the Threshicutioners, returning to the field to participate in the upcoming butchering. The puny creatures mind screamed in agony even as its body stood rock still as the sickles drove into its flesh.

Releasing control of the wretches mind before it experienced its end, Vriska laughed with joy. The Quari were annihilated, their morale crushed. Those who fled the field would be hunted down one by one; soon the planet itself will have forgotten the existence of these once proud beasts. There were other things to attend to at the moment though. Healers would have to be dispatched, the battle had not raged too long, perhaps some of the broken could be saved. Every one recovered was another soldier who could fight on against the enemies of his Imperious Condescension. This planet now belonged to the Empire; perhaps she would be able to get leave now. A solar sweep perhaps, to create a movie, Vriska had always had a hankering for one of them. She knew she was only herself a mediocre actor at best; it wasn’t for the exalted ranks of thespian to his almighty sovereign that she strived for. The perpetual years of war had started to take its toll on her.

Her reflections were cut short, however, by a resonant drone that chilled her to the marrow. Gazing upward to the ships, floating concealed in the impenetrable haze, she saw a growing beam of light. The light increased rapidly, till it shone as bright as a supernova. ‘What the hell is going on up there?’ Vriska screamed at her aide ‘I stated clearly this was no artillery engagement. They shouldn’t even have those freaking codes.’ Her tirade was cut short however, by the sudden silence that washed over the area like the ocean. All across the battlefield her Legion gazed upwards, befuddled as to what was going on. Their queries would remain forever unanswered. From the sky fell a laser that shone greater than the sun of Alternia, striking the centre of the battlefield like a hammer blow from the creator himself. Vriska, blinded by the sudden strike, fell to the ground from the aftershock. Lying in the ground clutching her eyes in pain, it was several minutes before she was able to open them and see what happened. What she saw made her almost convulse in horror.

Nine tenths of the legion had vanished, vaporized instantly by the power of her cannons. Vriska felt a wave of terror fall over her and had to force herself to remain standing. This was a catastrophe. Her entire legion gone in an instant, it would take sweeps to repair the damage done here. No one should have been able to fire those cannons. They required the express command from the captain of the ship, herself. With a start she realised what had happened. Someone had set her up. They resented her meteoric rise to power in the aftermath of the Succession War, and now had planned her destruction. The Legislacerators would be coming, Vriska knew her time was limited, she had to find out what had happened, who had betrayed her, and bring them before the Legislacerators before she hanged from a gibbet. Such a mess may well draw the personal attention of the Subjuggulator, right hand of the emperor himself, to sniff out insurrection. Her life hanged by a thread. Where to start, she asked herself in a panic, how can I possibly find the culprit, when there wasn’t anyone else who could have fired the cannons. For the first time since she had received for the golden star, symbolising her rank as general, Vriska cried. Her blue tears mixing with the blood stained soil.

Authors notes

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Yes I know a made up a lot of stuff here, but I think it works, heres a list below of some stuff you might not realise
His imperious condescension=Eridan
Pulsetroopers= long ranged shooters, laser weapons
Hemoknights= The empires finest soldiers, used as shock troops
Quari= random enemies I thought up of, big motherfucking green lizards, dont mess with them
Breaking the Aprex= When a troll gets so worked up on bloodlust, he goes into a berserker rage, killing anyone he see, characterised by blood flowing from their eyes, can be reversed.

It will more than likely be a series, but the next thing I have to finish of is a karkat ancestor story, I ve got most of it done, so it should be here fairly quickly. Hope you like it

[Kassiopeia]

Previous parts: 1 2

WHELP

continue Y/N?

>Y

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==> Suddenly, a flashback!

They were expecting a demon, but they never expected this.

Green light flashes at the corners of eternity. Look at it straight on and it will burn your eyes out. Ignore it and it will wrap burning coils around you and swallow you whole. The Blind Prophets are fighting it, because they’re the only ones who can face it or predict it. If even one of them slips for a second the green fire of divine unbeing will consume the entire team. Yellowy sweat drips down from under Sollux’s hairline. For the first time that anyone can remember, Terezi isn’t smiling.

And the green light is the least of anyone’s worries.

The battle goes on for hours – days? – years? – seconds? Time is unravelling as both sides twist it back and forth, spinning and unspinning the hands of the eternal Clock. Three of the green torsos are targeting Dave, an easier kill than Aradia and just as vital to the team’s survival. He loops and duplicates to avoid them, rewinding and fast-forwarding so fast that the rest of the team can’t see the fight. They can see the dead Daves appearing, though. The corpses with their twisted limbs and crushed skulls quickly begin to litter the battlefield. There’s no way to know if one of them is the alpha Dave. The fact that Crowbar hasn’t rejoined the main battle suggests he’s still alive somewhere.

Vriska throws her dice. Seven land showing boxcars. The eighth bounces off Clover’s hat and disappears into the void. John howls Jaaaaaaaade! and Jade executes her sweet catch just in time. If they lose Vriska’s dice they really are doomed. They need all the luck they can get.

You’re doomed anyway. You were always doomed, whispers the voice of the demon in all their heads. Subtract everything from everything and you leave nothing and me.

I will make you nothing.

It’s all you ever were anyway.

Some of them fall to their knees under the weight of the psychic assault. Rose covers her ears. She shouts for psionics but all of the troll psychics are fully occupied. The green torsos take advantage of the team’s confusion to attack. Cans lumbers forward with his hat tilted low over his eyes. His footsteps make the ground shake, and everyone scatters. Only Gamzee is left facing him. He tosses his clubs from one hand to the other.

Doomed.

Cans draws back his fist for a punch and Jade hurls the eighth die back to Vriska and

everything

stops

as the demon in his flashing dreamcoat fixes his green gaze on her and says, no more of that

and he raises a hand.



Frozen in time and space the whole battle waits for the demon’s next move, and there’s Dave alive after all facing off against Crowbar and Itchy and all three of them frozen, there’s John hovering with the wind turning around his outstretched hands, but the wind is frozen too; there’s Kanaya glowing white and green, there’s Terezi whose hair is singed by green fire raising her cane to parry another frozen loop of light, there’s Vriska with her hand up to catch her die, there’s Rose with her needles crossed over her head, there’s Karkat opening his mouth to shout no –

and there’s Jade about to die

and then there are two demons.

The blast of nothing coming from the green demon’s fingertips slices neatly in two along the line of Jack Noir’s sword and blows away harmlessly into the void. The world starts again and Jade is still there. One of Jack’s tentacles wraps around her and flings her off to the side, out of the demon’s line of sight. don't get me wrong i still fucking hate all of you, he says, and then he attacks.


==> Suddenly, a flashforward!

“Next up tonight we’ve got the famous Madam Dupire here to talk about her new book, Your Stars and You! Madam Dupire is a world-famous astrologer and her advice is regularly sought by celebrities both human and troll. In her book she wants to tell you what your zodiac means for your life. Give her a round of applause, folks!”

“Good evening, everyone, thank you so much.”

“No, thank you for being here. Say, I’m a Cephis – can you give me some useful life advice?”

“Well, I’d need a detailed star chart to give you really personal predictions, but if you’re a Cephis you’re probably a very focused, creative person! You should beware though –“

I switched off the TV. You know it’s bad when you’ve been reduced to watching astrology hacks being interviewed on daytime talkshows.

I went and got my computer instead and loaded up the weird forum I’d found –


==> Too far forward, dude.

You shake your head hard to get all the images out.

It’s only since you and your friends KILLED SATAN (or was it GOD?) and CREATED THE UNIVERSE that this has really been a problem. It turns out that a created universe with no First Guardian is UNBELIEVABLY UNSTABLE and since it was you and your three human friends who were really responsible for the creation you are now all also responsible for making sure it doesn’t implode and destroy not only all of spacetime but also all of paradox space, also known as potentialspacetime although you originally encountered a controlled form of it called the Incipisphere. Since none of you have the necessary qualifications for First Guardianship – such as omniscience and omnipotence – you are all finding it quite difficult.

Anyway because of all this weird scifi shit it is now your personal task to oversee the integrity of the entire timeline of this universe in every possible iteration.

Theoretically as Knight of Time you could deal with this responsibility whenever, but unfortunately the universe is quite urgent that you should do it immediately and makes its feelings known by giving you constant visions of the past and future. It was the contents of some of these visions which led you to formulate the extremely dumb plan you are about to put into action.

You’re just waiting for Rose.

Hey, is someone trying to contact you?


==> Answer troll.

apocalypseArisen (AA) began trolling turntechGodhead (TG)

AA: hi dave!
TG: hey
AA: i was thinking about the problem you brought up
AA: and the answer is yes i do think it’s possible!
AA: it almost has to be
AA: since it’s in the nature of potentialspacetime that ANYTHING is possible
AA: which is one of its attractions
AA: as well as one of its dangers!
AA: it’s a bit of a moot point now anyway
AA: as we’re no longer in the Incipisphere and without the sgrub code there’s no way back in
AA: but yes i do think you could alchemize a person
AA: although it’s a bit of a creepy idea really
AA: which is probably why none of us ever tried it
TG: cool
AA: how are the visions?
TG: eh
TG: lately its been loads of that asshole black carapace
TG: and some boring kid in the future who basically does nothing but watch shitty tv
AA: then those two are probably linked in some peculiar paradoxical way!
AA: you must connect them up somehow...
AA: are you sure you don’t want any help?
TG: nah
TG: youre busy doing your mom thing
TG: ive got it covered
AA:
AA: the grubs miss you!
AA: they want to know when you’re coming back to see them
AA: i have told them to call you ‘uncle Dave’
AA: i hope that’s all right?
TG: whoa sure
TG: guess i never thought about being an uncle one day
TG: but thats cool
AA:
TG: hey aradia
TG: what if there was a way back into the incipisphere
TG: just hypothetically speaking i mean
AA: well...
AA: i think that would be very dangerous
AA: this universe is already unstable
AA: who knows what ripping more holes in the paradoxical fabric of its creation might do?
AA: besides the Incipisphere was pretty awful most of the time!
AA: i think i prefer real life
AA: don’t you?
TG: g2g rose is here

turntechGodhead (TG) has left the conversation.

_

And elsewhere...

“Oh my goodness John it is so good to see you!” says Jade, flinging herself into John’s arms.

“It’s good to see you too!” John picks her up and spins her around, which makes the sound of her laughter ring out like a bell. When he sets her gently back on her feet Jack is glowering at him. “Uh, hi Jack,” says John politely.

Jack glowers harder. It’s a Jack thing.

“Wow, is this where you’re living now?” Jade asks, eyeing the building behind them which is a weird conglomeration of ladders and canvas. “It looks like a troll hive!”

“It is a troll hive,” says John. “It’s Vriska’s. I don’t really have time to build my own place so she lets me crash here whenever I get tired. It’s really nice of her, actually! I pay her back by moving it for her.”

“It moves?” says Jade.

“Well it takes a lot of wind, but sure!” John points. “See, it’s got wheels. It’s like a boat!”

“That’s really cool!” says Jade.

this is stupid, says Jack.

John and Jade ignore him. “I don’t really have my own place either,” Jade says. “I mean, I can use my space powers to make myself somewhere to stay when I need it, but it feels like cheating, you know? And not like home.”

“We’re going to have to make somewhere that’s a human home for the kids,” John says firmly. “I think that’s just going to be necessary!”

“I think you’re right!”

John and Jade high-five. Jade turns to Jack and says, “We’re going to build a proper human house! With a conservatory and a tower and a transportalizer and a collection of suits of armor and everything!” She holds up her hand for another high-five. Jack stares at her. He stares at her hand. He gives Jade a high-five.

“Um, I’m not sure human houses usually have all of those things,” says John.

Jade ignores him completely. “Okay, but first we should go to the ectobiology lab. Everyone hold onto me!” She offers John and Jack her hands. “We’re going to do this the quick way!”

John has never told Jade that travelling her way makes him feel a bit sick. It certainly is fast! It’s just that the peculiar feeling that space has turned itself inside out and then folded double with you in the middle is a bit upsetting, both for your peace of mind and for your digestive system.

It takes a moment for him to see straight again afterwards. He looks around the lab. It looks mostly the way he remembers it, except –

“What is this?” says John.

“Oh noooo,” says Jade.

Jack draws his sword from his chest and looks around with narrowed eyes.

More narrowed than usual, that is.

The lab is neat and clean and tidy, just the way the trolls left it after Karkat yelled at them for a bit. The only thing out of place is a plush dragon hanging from one of the ceiling pipes in the corner. That and the shards of broken glass around the smashed-up remains of the main control console.

_

Notes below:

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Thank you very much everyone who commented on the last part - I'm glad you enjoyed it! I imagine it's pretty clear by now that this story doesn't have plot so much as it has 'wouldn't it be cool if...?' This is not how I normally write at all and I hope you'll forgive the holes that will inevitably crop up because of that.

oh hell yes
evidently my malign influence has brought some good to this world
(also I really like your Jack omg)

[Wigmund]

Yay! A new HIHH! Okay that looks really weird, but whatever.

Anyway...

Red vs. Blue
The SBURB Chronicles

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O'MalleySprite. I am about twelve hundred percent behind this.

Re: LopezSprite: Isn't that what Google Translate is for? I mean, it's okay if it's a crappy translation because, well, Lopez.

That's how I did Lopez in a small RvB crossover blurb many many pages ago. I think Lopez spent his time talking about meeting Jack Noir and wishing death upon his comrades because he was sending Jack to meet them. Heck, I think I made his tag a bad translation of "Why haven't I killed you all".

[anonymousComrade]

Taking a break from Crossing Over to write more meta-fic, in the vein of Self-Imposed Challenge. This might be a series if I can think of more material, we'll see.

Re: Sburb Patch Notes - Version Update Preview

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The upcoming April update will bring all kinds of new fun to Sburb, and today, the dev team is proud to unveil one new feature planned for implementation in April.

Multi-Specibus Weapons
Alchemizing new gear always seems to be a priority among players, and nothing offers tantalizing new possibilities quite like a new weapon to bash foes with! Sadly, many players alchemize a new weapon, spending thousands of units of multiple types of Grist, only to find the end result isn't compatible with their strife specibus, and the weapon they had so looked forward to wielding ends up being given to a friend, or worse, scrapped altogether.

Well, no more! Starting this April, players will find many of their alchemized weapons can be allocated to more than one type of strife specibus. This change will include legendary-class weapons, blowing the doors open to all kinds of new strife-related possibilities. We can't go into too much detail, but we can reveal that we'll be doing something gloveKind users have wanted for a long time. That's right, the legendary chainsawKind weapon Cayman's Pigsticker will finally be available for gloveKind players to wield!

Stay tuned for more version update previews!

"Cayman's Pigsticker will finally be available for gloveKind players to wield!"

FUCK

YES

hahaha seriously SL? this is the best you can do? no wonder this fuckin game's dying, you keep pandering to casuals

WoW killer my ass

Jesus Christ, AA, why do you still play this game? Every fucking update you're always bitching, "SL's ruining Sburb" this and "the game was better before they implemented dreamselves" that and urrrrgh

This just in: people have been using the same fucking weapons for years. Hell my character's hammerkind and even I'm getting tired of looking at my WoZ, if Piston Fists get doublespecced into hammer I'm looking forward to giving those a try.

why the fuck would you use piston fists over zilly/fna? zilly/fna gives you all the dps of zilly with fna's stun effect

Piston Fists with the right spec gives you four attacks per round; with the right buffs, I've seen people stunlock fucking Greater Shoggoths. I mean yeah it takes longer to kill them that way and I probably wouldn't do it in a group but for solo? Fuck yes I would get myself a pair of PFs.

well this is just fucking great. I finally had enough grist to build a Ribbitar and right after I made the damn thing, this fucking preview goes up on the forums. why the fuck would anyone build an SR when Chain Sawd is obviously going bladekind next update, costs half the grist to build and a quarter of the boondollars to buy at the auction house, and has better dps to boot?

because alchemizing a double-bladed scarlet ribbitar needs TWO of them, and as far as anyone can tell that's still one of the best weapons in the game for doublebladekind users.

Snazzle's got a point though, some things are going to be completely pointless after this update. What diceKind user is going to trust the Flourite Octet when they can dip into hammerKind and make the more reliable Roll For Initiative? Who the hell is even going to allocate clawKind if its entire catalog is covered by gloveKind? Or halberdKind when every halberd can be equipped with spearKind or axeKind?

No way they're making RFI dicekind, it's just a hammer with d20s for heads. At its core it's still just a big hammer.

It wouldn't surprise me if they folded some specibi into others though. I could see all clawkind users being switched to gloveKind, and halberdkind revoked and its users given a free strife allocation.

"just a hammer with d20s for heads"? the fuck you say? RFI kicks ass and its random damage bonuses are all kinds of fun, shit's like using G&W in Smash Bros

spoken like a true noob who never had the talent to go for a zilly. you WOULD like RFI you stupid bastard

(USER WAS INFRACTED FOR THIS POST)

This is your final warning, AA. One more crack like that and I swear you're out of here.

Notes:

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First one to catch all the references gets a shiny boondollar

Seriously though, treating Sburb like an actual videogame and imagining what Sburb forums are like is all kinds of fun

Hmmm, the only reference I recognized was the PSO one.

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Chain Sawd - the two-handed sword weapon from Phantasy Star Online, exactly what it sounds like
Piston Fists - could have made this a bit clearer, maybe calling them Radioactive Knuckledusters would have been a bit more obvious? (they're Fallout 3 style Power Fists)
Cayman's Pigsticker - Jack's robot chainsaw arm from Madworld
WoZ/Zilly - Warhammer of Zillyhoo
fna - Fear No Anvil
Roll For Initiative - a callback to The Power of the Heir, a lame thing I wrote where Homestuck characters played out that scene from episode 25 of Gurren Lagann; Vriska alchemized it by combining the Flourite Octet with the Wrinklefucker

But yeah this thing is definintely better if you play an MMO and frequent MMO forums

[Count Loot]

OH HELL YES

Count Loot: Continue.

Since it seems I have at least one fan, here's part 2 of that Touhou crossover I'm working on.

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Hours in the past (but not many)

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--ordinaryMagician [OM] began pestering rainbowPuppeteer [RP]--

OM: Hey!
RP: What do you want now? I'm busy.
OM: I'm sure it can wait. We need ya to help us with this game or whatever Yukari set up.
RP: And what exactly does this game involve?
OM: No idea yet! BUT I'm pretty sure there's going to be treasure!
RP: Like you really need more junk in that landfill you call a house.
RP: And like I said, I'm busy.
OM: Come on! It'll be fun! When was the last time ya got out of that workshop of yours anyway?
RP: If I say no, you're just going to keep hounding me aren't you?
OM: Probably.
RP: Alright, I'll help, but you owe me big for this.
OM: Great! I told Yukari to send what ya need a few minutes ago.
RP: I suppose research will have to wait.
OM: Anyway, once ya get the server up I'll be the first one in.
RP: Does being first really matter?
OM: OF COURSE! First one in means I get first shot at the treasure.
RP: Ah yes, how could I have forgotten.
RP: It looks like the server is loading. Are you ready to get started?
OM: Hell yeah! Wealth and treasure, here I come!

--ordinaryMagician ceased pestering rainbowPuppeteer--

Your name is MARISA KIRISAME. You are a COMPLETELY NORMAL HUMAN. However, you are able to go toe to toe with some of the most powerful beings around thanks to HARD WORK, DETERMINATION, and a FREAKING HUGE MAGICAL LASER. Your interests include MAGICAL RESEARCH, specifically finding ways to make EVEN BIGGER EXPLOSIONS, running a SMALL MAGIC SHOP, despite the lack of customers. and COLLECTING INTERESTING ITEMS, whether they belong to others or not. Your chumhandle is ordinaryMagician and ya tend to be pretty casual in conversation.

Currently you are waiting for your friend and neighbor Alice to connect the server program so you can start playing this mystery game. A ping from your magicomputer alerts you to an incoming message.

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--phantasmalBorder [PB] began pestering ordinaryMagician [OM]--

PB: Since it seems you're going in first I suppose it would be prudent to point you in the direction of a helpful guide.
OM: HAH! Yeah right, like I need a guide to be amazing.
PB: If you say so. However, I'll deliver it to you anyway, as Alice may not share your sentiment.
OM: Whatever works I guess.
--phantasmalBorder has sent ordinaryMagician the file "Sburb Walkthrough.doc"--
OM: Oh man this is just terrible. What made ya think I would even read this?
PB: Perhaps it was foolish to expect you to.
OM: At least Alice'll get a kick out of it. Probably fits right in with all those books she keeps.
PB: Since I've accomplished what I needed and it seems Alice is ready to connect, I shall take my leave.

--phantasmalBorder ceased pestering ordinaryMagician!--

Looks like she was right about Alice. After sending her a copy of the guide with little more than a "have fun!" you spend the next several minutes scurrying around punching cards and carving totems. When the subject of the kernelsprite comes up, you are torn on what to put in until the decision is taken out of your hands by something small and blue crashing through the window. With a flash of light, the kernel has been prototyped, and shortly after some shenanigans involving a meteor and your entry item, your house has been transported to the Land of Frogs and Fog.

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MARISA: Oh man, I was supposed to get some kind of helpful spirit guide. Instead I get stuck with...
CIRNOSPRITE: HI MARISA! What all's goin on here?
MARISA: You. Please tell me I'm not stuck with an idiot for a guide.
CIRNOSPRITE: THE ONE WHO SAYS IDIOT IS THE IDIOT!
MARISA: Not helping your case...
CIRNOSPRITE: With a genius like me helping you, there aint no way you'll lose!
MARISA: Okay oh wise and helpful guide, what do I do now?
CIRNOSPRITE: ...
MARISA: ...
CIRNOSPRITE: No idea!

You begin to wonder just what deity you've upset recently to have something like this happen. And then you go off in search of aspirin, because you have a feeling the headaches are only just starting.

There are a few bits of conversation that I'm not satisfied with, but I have no idea how to change it, so yeah...

[draconicAlgorithm]

Hey, I finally got over my mild spell of writer's block and finished this!

Wizardstuck: Prank

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"Dave, are you sure they're going to be okay with this?" John followed his best friend through the corridors of Hogwarts castle, looking a little hesitant. "I mean, aren't the locations of the other dorms supposed to be a secret or something?" Dave scoffed.

"Egbert, you need to take a lesson from Gamzee and fucking chill. The whole house thing is stupid anyway, and I've seen all the house common rooms except, surprise surprise, yours." He walked with his hands stuck into the pockets of his pants, always succeeding in looking like a cool kid, even when wearing a dumb school uniform. John, on the other hand, had a bad tendency to trip on his own robes.

But that wasn't important just then.

"What?" John asked, genuinely surprised. "Who let you in?"

"Terezi and Jade, who'd you think?" Since Dave was leading the way, John couldn't see his face, but he still snickered.

"I should have known. Quite the ladies' man, aren't you, Dave?"

"You know it." John could hear the humor in his voice. Finally, he stopped in front of a huge painted of a woman who, while fat, still managed to look, well, sophisticated. She had a pretty dress, anyway.

"Crumplehat," Dave said. The woman looked first at him and then at John, squinting slightly. Inwardly, John shivered. The moving paintings were one thing that he still couldn't get used to.

"Another one, hm? Can't you just associate with the people in your own house?" She said disapprovingly. Dave just gave her a smug smirk.

"Nope."

"Somehow, I was expecting that answer from you. Come in." The picture swung open, and inside...

Well, it was actually pretty disappointing. It looked exactly like the Hufflepuff common room, aside from the fact that the color theme was instead red and gold. To John, it looked like a lot of ketchup and mustard. There seemed to be an area made up of tables and desks where students could study, while several comfy-looking armchairs and an overstuffed couch were positioned in front of the fireplace, which was roaring invitingly.

"C'mon, Egbert, we don't have all day." Dave said. John grinned.

"Fine, fine, just admiring the decor." He climbed through the portrait hole and into the room.

Once again, John found himself following Dave around like a lost puppy. Even so, he was pretty excited. He had a good reason to be visiting the Gryffindor common room, better than just because he had wanted a chance to talk to Dave again (although, he had to admit, that was a pretty good reason in and of itself). No, he had heard that there were a couple of master pranksters in this house, ones that were trained much more thoroughly in the art of magic than he. And he needed a bit of their expertise.

Just that morning, Karkat had woken him up while it was still dark to ask John to help him with a prank. He wanted something elaborate, something that would not only embarrass but also freak the hell out of Professor Umbridge. Normally, John liked to keep with the classics. This particular prank, however, called for something a bit more... involved. The idea of magic only made the possibilities endless, provided he could use it. That was where, hopefully, the Weasley twins would come in.

Dave paused to look around the room, and John stopped just in time to keep from running into him. Maybe he'd been thinking too much.

"Doesn't look like they're here at the moment. Hold on, lemme go talk to their brother." Dave walked over to a group of three students consisting of a boy with red hair, another boy with glasses and messy black hair, and a girl with bushy brown hair. He watched as Dave started talking to the red head, but he was interrupted by someone calling out his name.

"Joooooooohn!" He recognized the voice at once and grinned as he turned around.

"Hey, Vriska!" He was just in time to see her vault over a table and land next to him.

"John, I haven't seen you in ages! Where have you been?" She actually looked sort of agitated.

"Oh, you know. Just busy with classes and homework." He grinned sheepishly. Her expression melted some.

"Well, don't forget to work your old buddy Vriska into that busy schedule of yours! The humans around here are so booooooooring. There's no one fun to talk to!" She pouted a bit. John couldn't help but laugh.

"You've just got to get to know them! And, you know, not by reading their minds. That sort of defeats the purpose!"

"Oh, John, you're no fun!" She said, but she laughed, too. Meanwhile, various Gryffindor students around them were staring at the duo dumbfounded. Most of them had found out enough about Vriska by this time to fear (or at least despise) her, and the idea that this nice-looking human boy, who was a Hufflepuff to boot, was talking to her so openly when even the other trolls in the house avoided her was shocking.

This fact eventually caught the attention of Ron.

"Hey, uh, did you know that your friend was talking to Vriska?" He asked Dave. The blond boy shrugged.

"Yeah, they're friends. I can't for the life of me understand how he can bear to talk to her for five seconds, but whatever. Anyway, do you think you can get them?" Though still looking bewildered, Ron nodded.

"Whatever it is, if Umbridge is involved, they'll be jumping to help out, I think. I'll be right back." He wandered off into the boy's dormitory, and Dave made his way back towards John. He and Vriska were laughing about something, though they both managed to stifle it into snickers when Dave approached.

"Dude, I don't even want to know," he said to John. The bespectacled boy just grinned.

"So? What's up?" John asked.

"Ron's going to get them," Dave replied. Vriska gave them a perplexed look.

"Them who? What's going on?" John gave a quick glance around conspiratorially before leaning in close to her and whispering.

"We're going to prank Umbridge, and we're getting help from the Weasley twins." Vriska blinked, surprised, before splitting into a vicious grin.

"Oh, this is too good. Count me in."

"Well, if Serket's involved, then we're definitely not helping." John looked past Vriska's head to see a pair of red headed boys, followed by Ron. They both appeared to be couple years older than their younger brother, and were quite obviously twins. John could scarcely tell one from the other. They both smirked mischievously, in spite of what either one or the other had just said. Vriska stepped to the side, sneering at them both.

"You say that now, but there's no way you'll refuse this," she said imperiously.

"How do you know that?" One of the twins asked.

"Read our minds?" The other said jokingly. John sighed to himself. Maybe he should have listened to Karkat and not helped Vriska get used enough to human minds to be able to read their thoughts. If these two knew about it, she'd probably been making very good use of her new ability. At least, he reasoned, she couldn't control humans like she could some trolls. Vriska shook her head with a smirk.

"Didn't have to." She turned to John. "Go ahead, tell them." So he did.

When John first proposed his idea, their eyes widened slightly, but that was all. For a moment, he faltered, almost wondering if this had been a bad idea, until he saw Dave out of the corner of his eye give him the slightest of nods. It was barely perceivable, and it seemed more to say "I don't really care" than "you're doing great!", but it was encouragement nonetheless, coming from Dave. John began outlining his plan in earnest and explained why he thought it necessary to ask for help from the twins. As he went on, their grins widened, and they got a calculating look in their eyes.

"I can see why you'd ask for our help," one of them said.

"A few bits of this are definitely beyond the casual prankster," the other continued.

"But your idea is fantastic. We're definitely in." Vriska cackled.

"I told you that you wouldn't be able to say no!" The twins' both smiled slyly.

"I have to admit, Serket," one began.

"Your boyfriend is pretty sharp, for a Hufflepuff," the other finished. John spluttered, his face instantly turning a very interesting shade of red. Vriska, on the other hand, stared at them blankly for a moment before a look of realization came across her face.

"Oh, right, the human romance thing. Which quadrant is that again?" This only served to make the twins burst out into laughter. Dave shook his head, though he was secretly hiding some giggles of his own.

At the opposite end of the common room, Nepeta's eyes peaked just over the top of a desk. None of her "prey" noticed her scrutiny, or that she was smiling gleefully. A couple of first year Gryffindors did, though. When she realized they were staring at her, she gave them a speculative look.

"What?" She said innocently. "I ship it!" The first years apparently deemed this incomprehensible response good enough, since they hurried away quickly, leaving the troll girl to go back to her spying.

Everyone eventually got themselves under control (although Vriska never did find out what quadrant a boyfriend fell into), and plans were made. It was decided that the prank would take place that Friday, and that Umbridge would find it upon returning to her office after classes. They only had a few days to prepare, but it would be plenty of time to finish what they needed.

Karkat went to his detention on Friday in a dark mood. After four days of torture by quill, a red scab reading "I will not disrupt class" had been etched onto the back of his hand. It was stiff and sore, and paranoia had forced Karkat into actually asking Rose and Kanaya to make him a pair of gloves to hide it with. The others wore their scar like a proud trophy, but Karkat still wasn't comfortable with waving around his blood color. Years of fear and habit were hard to break.

He had another reason to be irritable, however. He kept asking John about the supposed prank that was going on, but the human was very close-mouthed about the whole affair. It drove him nuts. He wanted to know when it was going to happen, but even trying to blackmail John into feeling sorry for him with his wound of war hadn't worked. He was just going to have to wait and find out.

He was, once again, the last to arrive. Everyone else looked dejected. No one was looking forward to another night of pain and blood. They had all gotten to the point where the healing spell no long worked, and the more time they spent writing, the more blood was smeared on the paper as it dripped down the back of their hands. It was sheer torture. This woman really was sick, even by troll standards.

The only exception was Vriska. She wore a smug grin, though her wound was just as bright and raw-looking as the rest of theirs. Angrily, Karkat wondered what the fuck she was so happy about before sitting down.

They waited. And waited. Five 'o' clock, the time when the detention was supposed to begin, came and went. At first, they were all glad to delay the ordeal longer, but when five thirty rolled around, they started to get anxious. The door finally opened, only it wasn't Umbridge. It was another student, one Karkat recognized as a Gryffindor named Harry something or other, and he was grinning broadly.

"You can head back to your rooms," he said. "Your detention was cancelled on account of Umbridge getting pranked." The room immediately erupted into cheers and a clamoring of trolls asking for details. Harry told them what had happened to the best of his knowledge.

Umbridge had gone into her office to prepare for their detention, but as soon as she reached the door, she found it ajar. When she walked in, she pushed the door open, sending a bucket full of frogs and lake water spilling all over her (this, naturally, caused an appalled gasp from the assembled trolls, much to Harry's confusion). When she had managed to pull the bucket off of her sopping wet head, she looked around to find all the pictures of cats on her wall totally defaced. Some sported black goatees and horns, others had bug-eyes and angry eyebrows, and still more had jagged teeth, but not a single picture was spared. Finally, she turned to her desk, and there was the most horrifying thing yet.

The dead body of a cat lay on her desk, blood spilling over her papers. She then heard a deep growl and turned around to find an enormous black dog with a bloody maw lunging at her. She ran out of her office as quickly as she could, just barely avoiding dazed frogs and dragging water and pond scum out into the hallway with her as she screamed.

Later, when Filch went to investigate, there was no sign of cat or dog. It was assumed that these two, at least, were an illusion. The frogs were rounded up, and some of the staff attempted to consol Umbridge, but no one seemed entirely worried about finding the culprits. Once the tale had been told, the group all filed out of the room in much higher spirits. Karkat grinned from ear to ear.

He couldn't wait to get back to the dorm and hear the whole story from John.

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I got the ideas for pretty much everything in the prank from some friends of mine, because I'm really bad at coming up with them. I'm too much of a goody-twoshoes. The bucket was mine though. ALL MINE.

Also, my headcanon for Vriska and the twins' relationship is actually that they quite like one another (not romantically, more as friends), but they can't help but tease and cajole each other to the point where it seems like they hate each other. And they don't try to set anyone straight about it.

[Embargo]

Hey, I finally got over my mild spell of writer's block and finished this!

Wizardstuck: Prank

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"Dave, are you sure they're going to be okay with this?" John followed his best friend through the corridors of Hogwarts castle, looking a little hesitant. "I mean, aren't the locations of the other dorms supposed to be a secret or something?" Dave scoffed.

"Egbert, you need to take a lesson from Gamzee and fucking chill. The whole house thing is stupid anyway, and I've seen all the house common rooms except, surprise surprise, yours." He walked with his hands stuck into the pockets of his pants, always succeeding in looking like a cool kid, even when wearing a dumb school uniform. John, on the other hand, had a bad tendency to trip on his own robes.

But that wasn't important just then.

"What?" John asked, genuinely surprised. "Who let you in?"

"Terezi and Jade, who'd you think?" Since Dave was leading the way, John couldn't see his face, but he still snickered.

"I should have known. Quite the ladies' man, aren't you, Dave?"

"You know it." John could hear the humor in his voice. Finally, he stopped in front of a huge painted of a woman who, while fat, still managed to look, well, sophisticated. She had a pretty dress, anyway.

"Crumplehat," Dave said. The woman looked first at him and then at John, squinting slightly. Inwardly, John shivered. The moving paintings were one thing that he still couldn't get used to.

"Another one, hm? Can't you just associate with the people in your own house?" She said disapprovingly. Dave just gave her a smug smirk.

"Nope."

"Somehow, I was expecting that answer from you. Come in." The picture swung open, and inside...

Well, it was actually pretty disappointing. It looked exactly like the Hufflepuff common room, aside from the fact that the color theme was instead red and gold. To John, it looked like a lot of ketchup and mustard. There seemed to be an area made up of tables and desks where students could study, while several comfy-looking armchairs and an overstuffed couch were positioned in front of the fireplace, which was roaring invitingly.

"C'mon, Egbert, we don't have all day." Dave said. John grinned.

"Fine, fine, just admiring the decor." He climbed through the portrait hole and into the room.

Once again, John found himself following Dave around like a lost puppy. Even so, he was pretty excited. He had a good reason to be visiting the Gryffindor common room, better than just because he had wanted a chance to talk to Dave again (although, he had to admit, that was a pretty good reason in and of itself). No, he had heard that there were a couple of master pranksters in this house, ones that were trained much more thoroughly in the art of magic than he. And he needed a bit of their expertise.

Just that morning, Karkat had woken him up while it was still dark to ask John to help him with a prank. He wanted something elaborate, something that would not only embarrass but also freak the hell out of Professor Umbridge. Normally, John liked to keep with the classics. This particular prank, however, called for something a bit more... involved. The idea of magic only made the possibilities endless, provided he could use it. That was where, hopefully, the Weasley twins would come in.

Dave paused to look around the room, and John stopped just in time to keep from running into him. Maybe he'd been thinking too much.

"Doesn't look like they're here at the moment. Hold on, lemme go talk to their brother." Dave walked over to a group of three students consisting of a boy with red hair, another boy with glasses and messy black hair, and a girl with bushy brown hair. He watched as Dave started talking to the red head, but he was interrupted by someone calling out his name.

"Joooooooohn!" He recognized the voice at once and grinned as he turned around.

"Hey, Vriska!" He was just in time to see her vault over a table and land next to him.

"John, I haven't seen you in ages! Where have you been?" She actually looked sort of agitated.

"Oh, you know. Just busy with classes and homework." He grinned sheepishly. Her expression melted some.

"Well, don't forget to work your old buddy Vriska into that busy schedule of yours! The humans around here are so booooooooring. There's no one fun to talk to!" She pouted a bit. John couldn't help but laugh.

"You've just got to get to know them! And, you know, not by reading their minds. That sort of defeats the purpose!"

"Oh, John, you're no fun!" She said, but she laughed, too. Meanwhile, various Gryffindor students around them were staring at the duo dumbfounded. Most of them had found out enough about Vriska by this time to fear (or at least despise) her, and the idea that this nice-looking human boy, who was a Hufflepuff to boot, was talking to her so openly when even the other trolls in the house avoided her was shocking.

This fact eventually caught the attention of Ron.

"Hey, uh, did you know that your friend was talking to Vriska?" He asked Dave. The blond boy shrugged.

"Yeah, they're friends. I can't for the life of me understand how he can bear to talk to her for five seconds, but whatever. Anyway, do you think you can get them?" Though still looking bewildered, Ron nodded.

"Whatever it is, if Umbridge is involved, they'll be jumping to help out, I think. I'll be right back." He wandered off into the boy's dormitory, and Dave made his way back towards John. He and Vriska were laughing about something, though they both managed to stifle it into snickers when Dave approached.

"Dude, I don't even want to know," he said to John. The bespectacled boy just grinned.

"So? What's up?" John asked.

"Ron's going to get them," Dave replied. Vriska gave them a perplexed look.

"Them who? What's going on?" John gave a quick glance around conspiratorially before leaning in close to her and whispering.

"We're going to prank Umbridge, and we're getting help from the Weasley twins." Vriska blinked, surprised, before splitting into a vicious grin.

"Oh, this is too good. Count me in."

"Well, if Serket's involved, then we're definitely not helping." John looked past Vriska's head to see a pair of red headed boys, followed by Ron. They both appeared to be couple years older than their younger brother, and were quite obviously twins. John could scarcely tell one from the other. They both smirked mischievously, in spite of what either one or the other had just said. Vriska stepped to the side, sneering at them both.

"You say that now, but there's no way you'll refuse this," she said imperiously.

"How do you know that?" One of the twins asked.

"Read our minds?" The other said jokingly. John sighed to himself. Maybe he should have listened to Karkat and not helped Vriska get used enough to human minds to be able to read their thoughts. If these two knew about it, she'd probably been making very good use of her new ability. At least, he reasoned, she couldn't control humans like she could some trolls. Vriska shook her head with a smirk.

"Didn't have to." She turned to John. "Go ahead, tell them." So he did.

When John first proposed his idea, their eyes widened slightly, but that was all. For a moment, he faltered, almost wondering if this had been a bad idea, until he saw Dave out of the corner of his eye give him the slightest of nods. It was barely perceivable, and it seemed more to say "I don't really care" than "you're doing great!", but it was encouragement nonetheless, coming from Dave. John began outlining his plan in earnest and explained why he thought it necessary to ask for help from the twins. As he went on, their grins widened, and they got a calculating look in their eyes.

"I can see why you'd ask for our help," one of them said.

"A few bits of this are definitely beyond the casual prankster," the other continued.

"But your idea is fantastic. We're definitely in." Vriska cackled.

"I told you that you wouldn't be able to say no!" The twins' both smiled slyly.

"I have to admit, Serket," one began.

"Your boyfriend is pretty sharp, for a Hufflepuff," the other finished. John spluttered, his face instantly turning a very interesting shade of red. Vriska, on the other hand, stared at them blankly for a moment before a look of realization came across her face.

"Oh, right, the human romance thing. Which quadrant is that again?" This only served to make the twins burst out into laughter. Dave shook his head, though he was secretly hiding some giggles of his own.

At the opposite end of the common room, Nepeta's eyes peaked just over the top of a desk. None of her "prey" noticed her scrutiny, or that she was smiling gleefully. A couple of first year Gryffindors did, though. When she realized they were staring at her, she gave them a speculative look.

"What?" She said innocently. "I ship it!" The first years apparently deemed this incomprehensible response good enough, since they hurried away quickly, leaving the troll girl to go back to her spying.

Everyone eventually got themselves under control (although Vriska never did find out what quadrant a boyfriend fell into), and plans were made. It was decided that the prank would take place that Friday, and that Umbridge would find it upon returning to her office after classes. They only had a few days to prepare, but it would be plenty of time to finish what they needed.

Karkat went to his detention on Friday in a dark mood. After four days of torture by quill, a red scab reading "I will not disrupt class" had been etched onto the back of his hand. It was stiff and sore, and paranoia had forced Karkat into actually asking Rose and Kanaya to make him a pair of gloves to hide it with. The others wore their scar like a proud trophy, but Karkat still wasn't comfortable with waving around his blood color. Years of fear and habit were hard to break.

He had another reason to be irritable, however. He kept asking John about the supposed prank that was going on, but the human was very close-mouthed about the whole affair. It drove him nuts. He wanted to know when it was going to happen, but even trying to blackmail John into feeling sorry for him with his wound of war hadn't worked. He was just going to have to wait and find out.

He was, once again, the last to arrive. Everyone else looked dejected. No one was looking forward to another night of pain and blood. They had all gotten to the point where the healing spell no long worked, and the more time they spent writing, the more blood was smeared on the paper as it dripped down the back of their hands. It was sheer torture. This woman really was sick, even by troll standards.

The only exception was Vriska. She wore a smug grin, though her wound was just as bright and raw-looking as the rest of theirs. Angrily, Karkat wondered what the fuck she was so happy about before sitting down.

They waited. And waited. Five 'o' clock, the time when the detention was supposed to begin, came and went. At first, they were all glad to delay the ordeal longer, but when five thirty rolled around, they started to get anxious. The door finally opened, only it wasn't Umbridge. It was another student, one Karkat recognized as a Gryffindor named Harry something or other, and he was grinning broadly.

"You can head back to your rooms," he said. "Your detention was cancelled on account of Umbridge getting pranked." The room immediately erupted into cheers and a clamoring of trolls asking for details. Harry told them what had happened to the best of his knowledge.

Umbridge had gone into her office to prepare for their detention, but as soon as she reached the door, she found it ajar. When she walked in, she pushed the door open, sending a bucket full of frogs and lake water spilling all over her (this, naturally, caused an appalled gasp from the assembled trolls, much to Harry's confusion). When she had managed to pull the bucket off of her sopping wet head, she looked around to find all the pictures of cats on her wall totally defaced. Some sported black goatees and horns, others had bug-eyes and angry eyebrows, and still more had jagged teeth, but not a single picture was spared. Finally, she turned to her desk, and there was the most horrifying thing yet.

The dead body of a cat lay on her desk, blood spilling over her papers. She then heard a deep growl and turned around to find an enormous black dog with a bloody maw lunging at her. She ran out of her office as quickly as she could, just barely avoiding dazed frogs and dragging water and pond scum out into the hallway with her as she screamed.

Later, when Filch went to investigate, there was no sign of cat or dog. It was assumed that these two, at least, were an illusion. The frogs were rounded up, and some of the staff attempted to consol Umbridge, but no one seemed entirely worried about finding the culprits. Once the tale had been told, the group all filed out of the room in much higher spirits. Karkat grinned from ear to ear.

He couldn't wait to get back to the dorm and hear the whole story from John.

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I got the ideas for pretty much everything in the prank from some friends of mine, because I'm really bad at coming up with them. I'm too much of a goody-twoshoes. The bucket was mine though. ALL MINE.

Also, my headcanon for Vriska and the twins' relationship is actually that they quite like one another (not romantically, more as friends), but they can't help but tease and cajole each other to the point where it seems like they hate each other. And they don't try to set anyone straight about it.

You, good sir, have just produced a masterpiece.

Also, fuck yeah this is awesome.

[lucidSeraph]

AWWW YIS MOAR WIZARDSTUCK.

[ceruleanTresses]

New songfic. (Pre-Tavrosdeath, naturally. )

I H8 Everything A8out You

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Every time I tear you down,
8reak your 8ack, jerk you around,
There's this feeling that I get,
And I haven't killed you yet.

Every time I call you weak,
You just turn the other cheek,
Grinning wide and insolent,
8ut I haven't killed you yet.

Only when I stop to think about it...

I h8 everything about you!
Why do I love you?
I h8 everything about you!
Why do I love you?

I tell you I want you to die,
You just stammer in reply.
It's a discordant duet,
8ut I haven't killed you yet.

Only when I stop to think about it...

I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?
I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?

You make my heart sing
8ut I want your 8lood to flow.
You make me sick, Page,
8ut I don't want you to go...

I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?
I love everything a8out you!
Why won't you love me?

Why won't
You h8
Why won't
You love me?

I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?

Original song.

[Embargo]

New songfic.

I H8 Everything A8out You

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hide spoiler

Every time I tear you down,
8reak your 8ack, jerk you around,
There's this feeling that I get,
And I haven't killed you yet.

Every time I call you weak,
You just turn the other cheek,
Grinning wide and insolent,
8ut I haven't killed you yet.

Only when I stop to think about it...

I h8 everything about you!
Why do I love you?
I h8 everything about you!
Why do I love you?

I tell you I want you to die,
And you stammer in reply.
It's a discordant duet,
8ut I haven't killed you yet.

Only when I stop to think about it...

I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?
I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?

You make my heart sing
8ut I want your 8lood to flow.
You make me sick, Page,
8ut I don't want you to go...

I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?
I love everything a8out you!
Why won't you love me?

Why won't
You h8
Why won't
You love me?

I h8 everything a8out you!
Why do I love you?

Original song.

Do like. That's Three Days Grace, right?