MSPA Fanfiction V: We're Going to Need More Wands

[battlerek]

So Hufflepuff wields the righteous fires of charisma?

Yes. Problem Sleuth is from Hufflepuff House.

Ace Dick is that goddamn asshole Griffindor.

And Pickle Inspector is that Ravenclaw guy who never knows what the hell is going on.

Mobster Kingpin and Spades Slick, of course are constantly fighting for dominance in Slytherin house.

Clubs Deuce is from Durmstrang.

[Decker]

Linked for kinda squicky. (Not the gore kind.)

Shatter

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I like to 8reak nice things.

[emesis]

@Jim

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Quickest and derpiest doodle ever, but I loved that scene haha. If I had someone to listen to my running commentary, I'd have been yelling OH SHIT SLEUTH HE'S GONNA CATCH YOU, YOU BETTER RUN, OH SHIT SLEUTH OH SHIT OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIT

@Path BELATED ANSWER to your question earlier, but sure, I'd love to! Just hit me up over on eljay if you ever wanna start something, cause I feel more comfortable talking there than here.

[Graven_Image]

Victory Shall Be Mine

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CURRENT enfanteTerrible RIGHT NOW opened memo on board VICTORY SHALL BE MINE

CET: Well, hello there, past selves.
CET: If you're reading this, you've no doubt stopped touching yourself to actually check our PDA's memo feature.
CET: To the first instance of me to do this, congratulations!
CET: You've made the first step towards becoming me and fulfulling our ultimate goal.

PAST enfanteTerrible 12 HOURS AGO responded to memo

PET: To kill Lois?
CET: NO!
CET: As is per usual for past versions of me, you're thinking too small.
CET: By subtly manipulating the mechanics of this game, using I, Future Stewie, as a figurehead, we will kill not only Lois, but the fat man, the dog, and EVERY OTHER SOFTHEADED SIMPLETON WHO JOINED US.
CET: And of course, I am expecting you to follow my every word. I am, after all, the end result of your actions. I would never think of betraying myself, don't you think?
PET: I think not.
PET: Your words have a perverse logic to them, but the entire ordeal has a stench of wrongness about it.
PET: Should we not wait until the game is concluded, and then renew our assassination attempts?
CET: I remember asking that question. And likewise, I remember the answer.
CET: The answer is NO.
CET: Through careful planning and transtemporal monkeyshines, we shall rise to become more powerful than any of these SLOBS can ever hope to be!

FUTURE enfanteTerrible 6 HOURS FROM NOW responded memo

FET: I appreciate the enthusiam, me, but I'm afraid you must sleep now.
CET: What? Why?
FET: Sleep. We will discuss it later. Rather, you will discuss it with yourself when you are me, six hours from now.
PET: Well, that makes sense.
PET: I love time travel.
FET: Trust me, the sentiment will not leave you.
FET: Now, me six hours ago. SLEEP!
CET: Yeah, alright, alright.
CET: I guess you're the new me, being the most future of us.
FET: Indeed.

CURRENT enfanteTerrible left the memo

FET: Now, we must make plans to further our powers.
PET: Wait, what is he sleeping for?
FET: I'm afraid I can't tell you.
PET: Well, why not?
FET: Because past me did not know six hours ago, when I told him to sleep.
FET: But he will find out soon enough.
PET: Well, I suppose that's logical.
FET: Say it will me now.
P+FET: I love time travel.
FET: That's right.
PET: Well, I'm going to badger the badgers about my title some more.
FET: You're the Heir of Mind.
FET: There, I just saved you thirty minutes.
PET: But you made me waste my pun.
FET: Just get out of here.
PET: Fine.

PAST enfanteTerrible left the memo

FET: Alright.
FET: I guess this can be safely closed now...
FET: Hmm. I remember this memo running longer than it did.

FUTURE freakinSweet 2 HOURS FROM NOW joined the memo

FFS: what is this?
FET: OH GOD!
FFS: stewie, has someone been a bad boy?
FET: ...
FET: Blast.

CURRENT dryMartini RIGHT NOW joined the memo

CDM: Hey Stewie?
CDM: I think my alchemiter broke again
CDM: It stopped spitting out liquor a few hours ago.
FET: ...
FFS: stewie
FFS: we want an answer.
FFS: you just gonna leave Brian standing there?
FFS: huh?
FFS: we're waaaiiitiiing.
FET: NO!
FET: SCREW YOU, FAT MAN!
FET: THIS IS NOT YOUR PARTY!

FET banned FFS from responding to the memo

CDM: Heh
CDM: Wooooow.
FET: What?
CDM: Nothing, it's just the follow through on that
CDM: You raged at him, then you banned him from an inconsequential message board
CDM: Real scary there, Stewie
FET: SHUT UP!
FET: I AM COMPLETELY SERIOUS!

FET banned CDM from responding to the memo

FUTURE enfantTerrible closed the memo

[Jim Groovester]

@emesis: Haha, hell yes. You are officially the greatest person ever.

(But if Sleuth barges down the fire escape that would alert the MC to his presence even sooner since it is very noisy.)

@Path: Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid would be an even more genre appropriate metaparody, since that movie specifically spoofs hardboiled detective movies, instead of Death by Murder which parodies murder mysteries in general.

@Violet CLM: I liked it, but how is Sollux chatting with Terezi if he's blind?

Everybody keeps writing great fics it is hard to keep up with this thread.

[Metaflare]

GRAVEN I LOVE YOU CAN YOU BE MY SLAVE AND MAKE MORE HILARIOUS LOGS

[mutecebu]

All this talk of crossovers gave me an idea.

... Okay, so I actually had the idea before that, but it's a fun coincidence. Really, it was only a matter of time before someone did an HP/HS crossover.

Wizardstuck

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It was the beginning of another year at Hogwarts for the young Harry Potter. It was a year that would undoubtedly be full of adventure and intrigue with Harry somehow saving the day, but we're not anywhere near that part of the book yet, so hold your damn horses. We've gotta start somewhere.

And start we shall.

Harry arrived at King's Cross station with no fuss, for once. He walked through the wall that was the entrance to Platform 9 3/4 and was met with the sight of the enormous crimson Hogwarts Express, as well as the various children and their parents milling about, preparing to board it. He was given a burst of enthusiasm. He was finally leaving his aunt and uncle's house to go back to Hogwarts! There was nothing in the world he'd rather do.

Having no family to give a heartfelt goodbye to, since his uncle had been content to simply drop him off at the station (if you could call leaping out of the car with his trunk and Hedwig's cage while Uncle Vernon slowed down a bit "dropping off"), Harry immediately climbed onto the train. He went past several cars, peering into each one to see who its occupants were. It seemed as though Ron and Hermoine had yet to arrive, so he made his way towards the back of the train in hopes of finding an empty compartment there. Once he had reached the fourth from the end, he slid open the frosted glass door to see who was inside.

He was immediately met with seven faces he did not recognize in the least. Four, at least, were human—a boy and girl each with glasses and black hair, another boy wearing sunglasses, and a girl with blonde hair and a purple headband. The other three, however, were odd humanoid creatures with gray skin, sharp teeth, yellow eyes, and orange horns. One, who seemed to be a male with short, almost stubby horns, appeared to be yelling at the others, who responded with varying degrees of amusement and disinterest.

"I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS. WHY THE HELL WOULD WE FUCKING GO ON A TRIP TO A NOOKSUCKING CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NO WHERE JUST SO THAT A BUNCH OF FUCKASS ADULTS CAN TEACH US THIS MAGIC SHIT?"

"but it's an adventure karkat!!" The bespectacled girl chimed in enthusiastically. "i've never seen a castle before!"

"Y34H K4RKL3S, QU1T B31NG 4 WH1N3Y GRUB," one of the other creatures, this one with pointed red sunglasses and a wide grin, said. She, for she looked and sounded fairly feminine to Harry, continued, "1T'LL B3 4 LOT MOR3 FUN TH4N B31NG COOP3D UP ON TH4T STUP1D 4ST3RO1D."

"most things are more fun than hanging out on a rock and fearing for your life," said the human boy with sunglasses. "you're just lucky we found you all in time."

"well, i'm looking forward to it. things have been kind of boring ever since we saved you guys and finished the game." The black haired boy grinned, revealing his buck teeth.

"YOU WOULD SAY THAT," the male creature, whose name appeared to be Karkat, or maybe Karkles, growled.

"It's certainly more entertaining than being confined to our homes," the blonde girl interjected. During this entire conversation, none of the occupants of the car appeared to have noticed him. The final creature, another female with longer horns than the others and wearing green lipstick, looked up at him and smiled.

"Excuse Us, But Do You Need Anything?" She asked politely.

"Uh, no," Harry replied. "I was just looking for an empty compartment. Sorry to interrupt." He closed the door, but he still heard the conversation going on inside.

"heh, karkat, i think you scared the wannabe wizard away."

"LIKE I GIVE A FUCK."

Harry went to the next compartment down the line, wondering where those creatures had come from and why they were on the train. Maybe he'd try to talk to someone about it when he got to the castle. They were interesting, if a little, well, menacing. Especially that loud one. He was still thinking about them as he opened the next glass door, and he was surprised to find that this compartment contained four more of them.

"seriously fef, this is a bunch of bull. wwhy are wwe evven wwastin our time here? magic ain't real."

"I don't know, -Eridan, t)(os-E wands s-E-Em-Ed pr-Etty r-E--------El to m-E!" The first one to speak, who had crooked horns and a purple scarf, looked rather agitated by this answer. The second, a female who smiled warmly, seemed unaware of this.

"ju2t accept defeat and get over your2elf, ED. iit'2 obviiou2 that thii2 2hiit ii2 the real deal," one with red and blue sunglasses and a slight speech impediment said.

"i still don't buy it. these fakey-fakes are probably just trying to trick us or somethin."

"i can assure y0u that this is all quite real," the second female, whose voice sounded a bit hollow, said. "i have already c0nsulted my future selves 0n the matter."

"wwhatevver." None of them seemed to notice him, which was just fine with Harry. He quietly shut the door and went on, not entirely sure what to think about these odd conversations.

The next compartment, as it turned out, as also full of the odd gray-skinned monsters, another group of four.

":33 < *the great lioness lashes her tail in excitement at the pawspect of exploring a catsle!*" The speaker was a petite female wearing a green jacket several sizes too big for her and a hat in the shape of a cat's face on her head, though her horns served as the ears. She indeed grinned broadly.

"i, uHHH, sORT OF HOPE THERE AREN'T TOO MANY STAIRS," another creature with large horns and what appeared to be a mohawk replied. "i'M STILL NOT USED TO THESE, uHHH, lEGS."

"Oh, quit 8eing such a 8a8y, Taaaaaaaavros!" A female with one crooked horn and one horn split at the end slapped the mohawk creature on the back, apparently quite hard, if that wince was anything to go by. "You'll never g8t stronger with that 8itude!"

"D --> As the creator of those legs, I feel it is e%tremely important to warn you about the traversing of stairs, brown b100d," the final occupant, a rather unpleasant-looking male with broken sunglasses, broken teeth, and a broken horn, said. "D --> Your past e%periences have not been pleasant."

":33 < *the lioness pawoints out that he will never get better if he does not purractice! so take things carefurly.*"

"i'LL, uHH, tRY."

"Don't worry, Taaaaaaaavros, I'll h8lp out!"

"tHAT'S KIND OF WHAT I'M, uHHH, AFRAID OF."

They, too, appeared to be too involved in their own conversation to notice him, so Harry moved on quickly. The loud female and the unpleasant male were starting to give him the creeps, anyway. Finally, he reached the last compartment on the train. He opened the door, hoping to find it empty, but there was still one more of those creatures inside. This one had a wild mane of hair and long horns, but it was staring out the window and Harry couldn't see its face. He sat down anyway, setting Hedwig's cage beside him.

"Sorry, but the rest of the train's full. I'm Harry, by the way." Now that he was sitting in the seat across from it, Harry could see that this creature appeared to be male and, for whatever reason, was wearing a mask of face paint. Odd. He waited for a response, but when none were forthcoming, he spoke again. "Hello?" The gray-skinned boy started a bit before turning lazily to him, his eye lids half closed.

"Oh HeY tHeRe, WhAt Is Up My MoThErFuCkEr?" Harry blinked. Did he really sound high?

"I'm, uh, Harry. And the rest of the compartments are full, so I sat here."

"ThAt'S cHiLl, My MoThErFuCkIn BrO. nAmE's GaMzEe. YoU aReN't OnE oF tHoSe HuMaN mOtHeRfUcKeR's, ArE yOu?"

"Well, yes."

"YeAh, YoU gUyS aRe PrEtTy MoThErFuCkIn ChIlL, nOt AlL uPtIgHt LiKe My TrOlL bRo KaRkAt. MoThErFuCkEr NeEdS tO cAlM tHe FuCk DoWn, Am I rIgHt?" Harry was beginning to get the feeling that words like "motherfucker" weren't really insults to this guy. He just shrugged. "YeAh, YoU'rE a PrEtTy CoOl MoThErFuCkEr, HaRrY. wE sHoUlD sPlIt OnE oF tHeSe ElIxIrS, hOnK hOnK." Before Harry could ask what he was talking about, Gamzee reached up and pulled two bottles of a soda called Faygo out of what seemed to be thin air and then proceeded to offer him one. Harry stared at him in shock. He hadn't used magic of any kind, hadn't waved a wand, hadn't produced any sort of light.

"H-how did you do that?"

"FuCk If I kNoW, bRoThEr. MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClEs." He shrugged and grinned. Harry decided he wasn't going to be getting any more out of this "troll" as long as he was apparently stoned out of his mind, so he just accepted the drink and followed suit when Gamzee opened his and took a swig.

Hey. It wasn't half bad, either. He might grow to like this guy, juggalo or not.

ALTERNATE ENDING

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Harry opened the door to the last compartment, hoping to find it empty, but there was still one more of those creatures inside. This one had a wild mane of hair and long horns, but it was staring out the window, and Harry couldn't see its face. He sat down anyway, setting Hedwig's cage beside him.

"Sorry, but the rest of the train's full. I'm Harry, by the way." Now that he was sitting in the seat across from it, Harry could see that this creature appeared to be male and, for whatever reason, was wearing a mask of white face paint smeared with purple. The creature turned its head, and Harry froze. Its eyes were wild and crazy-looking, and it gave him a grin full of razor teeth.

"what's up, my motherfucker? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A CRAZY TROLL BEFORE. that's kind of sad. SINCE I'LL PROBABLY BE THE LAST THING YOU'LL SEE." His voice seemed to fluctuate, going back and forth between quiet and calm and loud and nearly shouting. He pulled a clown's juggling baton with a wedge of sharp metal shoved through the end out of seemingly nowhere. He stood, obviously wielding it as a weapon. "WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, MOTHERFUCKER. honk HONK honk" His grin never left his face as he advanced across the aisle towards him.

Harry had never been so scared in his entire life.

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THIS IS STUPID

But fun. :3 I'm almost tempted to do a Sorting, but I probably won't because I'm lazy. Back to Thicker Than Blood.

Love it!

"H-how did you do that?"

"FuCk If I kNoW, bRoThEr. MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClEs."

Should have seen this response coming, but darn if it didn't make me laugh.

Graven:
- @Graven: YES. SO VERY YES. I love so many things about chapter 28 that I have to list them.

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The Kid has "Ghostbros"
The ghosts rhyme
The rhymes are good
the prophecies are actually helpful
The Kid is The Heir of Doom
That rhyme at the end is especially awesome

Also, the ZP review was amazing. I love it how Yatzee just sort of whined about the game.

EDIT: pseudo-ninja'd by more Graven! My life is crazy!

[Violet CLM]

Jim: yeah I basically ignored that issue. Maybe he has text to speech (and back), I dunno; whatever the solution was, they had already enacted it, so it wasn't important.

[lantadyme]

Shatter

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I like to 8reak nice things.

Yay, you finally posted it. Vriska once again proving she is behind everything.

[Decker]

Shatter

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I like to 8reak nice things.

Yay, you finally posted it. Vriska once again proving she is behind everything.

And sick in the head.
Thanks =)

[Nox]

Warmth:

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The first thing I remember was the warmth. It flowed into my mouth, down my throat, and from their all through me. The cold I hadn’t even noticed began to recede, and in its absence I realized how horrible it had been. I also felt the already fading sting of an injury on my stomach, but it was all but gone by the time I noticed it.

The warmth that flowed past my lips felt...well, still good I suppose. But something was missing. It was like your favorite dish, but someone had let the meal grow cold before serving it to you. The ever-growing effort to draw the warmth out felt wrong. This doesn’t stop me, however. I drink and drink as long as I can. If the warmth had not run out, I felt like I could have simply stayed there for all eternity, sucking it into my being and feeling it fill me.

Sadly, I soon found the elixir running thin, and I soon become frustrated. What was going on, where did the warmth go? I felt so much better, but I wanted more. I needed to find another source. But...a source of what?

With that question, the veil of euphoria lifted, and I became aware of my surroundings again. It was a strange sensation, like it had been some time since I had done anything at all, and I took a moment to remember how. All the feeling was there, but none of it made sense at first. I took my time and tried to decipher it. It took but a moment to remember my limbs, and feel that I was hunched down on the floor, leaning against something soft. That must have been where the warmth came from. My sense of taste and smell are flooded with a rich sent that awakens my hunger for the warmth that came before, and I realize that WAS the warmth. My ears hear nothing but the gentle wirr sound of computers, and a dripping sound that’s...very near.

I try and see, and nothing but darkness greets me. I almost panic, but then to my embarrassment I realized I had my eyes closed. I must really be out of it to not have noticed that before now. Feeling rather silly, I promptly open my eyes.

The first sight I am greeted with is Feferi’s corpse.

“OH! Oh Gog!”

I will admit my panicked and not entirely coordinated attempts to shuffle away from her body were...quite undignified. I can perhaps be excused for my actions by the impression that I had killed her. That is generally what happens when you suck out someone’s blood. Had I really held her down on the hornpile and bitten down on her neck like that? Had I really?

I felt sick, I wanted to vomit, to get all her blood out of me, but the bile never came. It was like my somach was empty and full at once, if that makes any sense, and nothing came up. I compromised by placing my hands over my mouth, ignoring the wet feeling on them, and looking panicked for a few moments. I was a murderer, I had taken the life of a friend! What would Karkat think, or Sollux, or Eriden, or-

“ERIDEN!”

In a rush it all came back: the conversation with Jade, taking the Matriorb to the teleporter, and then Eriden’s sudden arrival. Then...then he had started talking with Feferi and Sollux. It had gotten heated, and she had overheard a very foolish plan on Eriden’s part. They fought; Sollux was slammed against the wall. Dead? She didn’t know, but he was not the victor either way. Feferi had charged in anger, and Eriden had...

Breaking from her thoughts, I glance over at the body. A guilty part of me feels relief that I had not ended her life. I don’t think I, or most of the others, would ever forgive me for that. But Eriden killing her was almost as bad. She felt a deep hate in her boil at the thought of the sea-dwelling trator. He had hurt Sollux, killed Feferi, and obliterated the Matriorb along with the last hope for their race! And even after that, he-

Wait, how did I survive? I remember the bolt going through me. Not into, through. You don’t get up from that.

Suddenly it started to dawn on me. I looked down at my shirt and discovered the hole in question, but it was only in my shirt. I could see grey skin whole and unbroken underneath it. It looked raw and tender, but still far better than the gaping wound that should have been there. And the first thing I was aware of doing was...

“Oh, Am I A Rainbow Drinker?”

I don’t know how, none of it makes sense to me, but that’s what it is. “If you eliminate the impossible and the improbable, whatever is left must be the truth.” I think Charles Darwin said that. No, I’m positive that was him. I had to contact the others, help them and let them know I was ok! Karkat would want to...and as soon as my mind went to our reluctant leader it suddenly struck me.

When I thought of him, I felt the hunger return. This wasn’t like my Trollight books; I could not simply feed on wild animals to be a form of “vegetarian rainbow drinker” like Troll-Edward was. I’m also quite sure I’m not a vision of dark beauty like I always fanaticized I would be. To be sure I looked down into the polished floor; luckily rainbow drinkers have extra-visible reflections. A quick check in the reflective surface showed how I really looked. I was the same Kanaya at first glance, but I looked like I had been through hell. My skin was an unhealthy shade for a troll, blood was pattered all over my front and face, and the hole in my shirt did not look good.

Even worse, I had a haggard sickly look about me, like a drug addict who was going into painful withdrawal. And isn’t that what it was? I was a LIFE addict, and I was forced to go cold-thanksgiving-bird-Lusus on it. So now I had to suck it out of others to get a fix? Feferi had kept me from murdering anyone for my first meal, and as guilty as I feel desecrating my friend like that it is far better than if she had been alive. But now what?

Where would I get the warmth I craved above all else now? I knew enough about Rainbow-Drinkers to know that they are ravenous right after they first turn, and they also grow very hungry if they have to regenerate from a heavy wound. I had just done both, and Feferi had only been enough to make me sane again, not fill my full hunger.

Who could I feed on? The thought sickened me, but I knew if I ran into anyone as I was now...I might not be able to control myself. On top of that, if I tried not to feed, I would just become an animal and go after whoever I first found. The thought makes me blush, but perhaps Vriska? There is a certain sensual aspect to feeding on a living host, if the books were to be believed. Although I doubt the accuracy of my Trollight books at this point, I’m not glowing in the dark at all!

The answer hits me simply, Eriden. He killed me, or at least he good as did. He also did...those other things. Gog, it’s hard to even think about! I would make him pay, and snap that wand of his in half! He was now one troll I would feel no guilt sucking every last drop out of.

I move to the transporter, but stop after a moment of consideration. I quickly retrieve my chainsaw; I mean lipstick, from the floor. I also steal Eriden’s discarded cape, it’s actually contrasts well with my shade of green, and helps me work the more classical Rainbow Drinker look. It actually brings me some comfort, to think about fashion like that. It says I’m still Kanaya, at least in part. Whoever or whatever else I am, that’s who I choose to be. And Kanaya, Sylph of Space, Mother of the New Universe, Jade Blood, and Rainbow Drinker had a job to do.

“Let’s Go Hunting.”

[Doodled]

*catches up*

Okay, another comment dump:

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The third (and final?) part of the fiction i was writing. Of course blown out of the water by the main story, not that I mind it has been fun writing it.

Karkat's point of view, and I found I like writing him a lot. I actually thought it would be boring!

WARNINGS: Talk of buckets and babies and human torsos.

And no, I have no idea how the idea about the future of Karkat came up. I was writing and it sounded hilarious so I went with it, and it ended up being funnier then advertised. Though everyone else may not agree XD.

Long fiction is long again.

Thank you for taking the time to read .

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Breaking Point

YES!

YES YES YES YES YES!



Please don't stop doing this!

Ever!

And in completely related news, I am now sympathetic towards Vriska.

All this talk of crossovers gave me an idea.

... Okay, so I actually had the idea before that, but it's a fun coincidence. Really, it was only a matter of time before someone did an HP/HS crossover.

Wizardstuck

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[color=#2b0057]-snip-

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THIS IS STUPID

But fun. :3 I'm almost tempted to do a Sorting, but I probably won't because I'm lazy. Back to Thicker Than Blood.

That is the most kick-ass crossover...

Well, here's more of We're All Doomed

Chapter 6: New Friends and Old Enemies

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-snip-

*applause*

Right, taking a break from Kanaya the Rainbow Drinker Slayer while waiting to see if we'll get any canonical information about how rainbow drinkers actually work, so here's some practice writing Terezi that descended into an overlong argument.

P1NB4LL wiizard2

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-snip-

&lt;3

This.

Is.

AWESOME.

This fic don't stop for nobody. Least of all me.

The Sapphire of Alternia, Part 3

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Problem Sleuth walks to Murdered Courier’s apartment. It’s not far, and a good gumshoe’s gotta walk the streets once in a while, to stay low to the ground. Keep a finger on the pulse of the city. Get gum on his shoes. If he takes a taxi around everywhere, he’ll miss the sights and sounds of the city. It reminds Problem Sleuth that it isn’t all bad in this town, that there are people who don’t cheat on each other and don’t have gambling debts and don’t have blood on their hands.

Everybody in this town has something in common. And it’s good to know there are people who are trying to make something good out of it. It’s a bright, sunny day, and it almost makes him happy.

He stops before a building, and checks the address. This is Murdered Courier’s building. He heads inside and walks up to the fourth floor. He walks through the corridors until he finds Murdered Courier’s apartment. He twists the doorknob, but it’s locked.

Problem Sleuth: Use lockpicking set.

You don’t have a lockpicking set. All you have is this belt full of handguns of various makes and models stuck in your coat. All useful for opening up the chests of surly thugs, but not much good for peacefully unlocking a door.

Since the police are going to eventually make their way here, you don’t really want to let them know you’ve been here. If there’s a broken lock in this town it’s a fair guess you probably had something to do with it.

Problem Sleuth: Use handguns on door lock.

You stick your lockpicking tools into the lock, and jiggle around with it for a few minutes. You manage to get the deadbolt open, but as you pull the tools out they break in the lock. You try to open the door, but the broken bits of metal are jamming the doorknob and preventing it from turning.

You decide you should probably find another way in. You probably shouldn't have bothered trying to unlock the door in the first place.

Problem Sleuth descends to the sidewalk and starts searching the alleys surrounding the building. He finds a fire escape on the north side of the building that leads to Courier’s apartment. He quickly climbs the fire escape.

He peers through the window into the apartment. Looks pretty average. There’s a couch, a radio, a messy kitchen. Problem Sleuth pushes up on the window but there’s a string keeping the window closed. As far as forced entries go, broken strings are much less conspicuous than broken locks. Problem Sleuth pushes harder until the string snaps and the window slides upward. He steps inside.

Problem Sleuth: Examine apartment.

It looks a lot like your apartment, to be honest. You feel kinship with this man for having an apartment uncompromisingly dirty, yet with its own internal organization that only men who don’t care about tidiness can recognize.

Problem Sleuth takes a seat on the couch and starts rummaging through the messy coffee table. There are newspapers days old scattered across it, along with scraps of paper detailing grocery lists, reminders, and doodles. Sleuth looks underneath the table and finds stacks of news magazines from the last decade.

He stops by the front door and looks at the wilting potted plant. There’s a small table holding a phone and some mail. Underneath the phone there’s a note: Call Jenna. Must be some kind of acronym. Sleuth pockets the note, not letting any potential lead or red herring go unpocketed.

Sleuth moves to the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator. There’s some orange juice, milk, eggs. Some gross moldy leftover thing just rotting in there. He looks to the counter. Coffee, bread, dirty plates in the sink, getting washed as needed. He opens the drawers, seeing only pots and pans and plates and silverware. He opens the cupboards, seeing cups and cans and boxes of food.

Sleuth walks into the bathroom. Aside from being dirty, there’s nothing interesting in there. He picks up a can of a substance and wonders what the hell this guy needs shaving cream for before putting it back.

He heads into the bedroom. He looks at the bed. It’s unmade.

Problem Sleuth: Check the mattresses.

From years of honing your hardboiled detective skills you know that if a man is looking to hide something it’s going to be in the mattress.

Wait, this guy was murdered, and you don’t think he was expecting it. Why would he be hiding anything in his own apartment?

You lift up the mattress anyway just to make sure.

Problem Sleuth checks under the mattress and under the bed, and only finds shoes and clothes and other random bits of household detritus that slowly end up under there. A bed has its own peculiar pull on objects around it, and if left unchecked, things will naturally end up there of their own accord.

Problem Sleuth turns his attention towards the desk in the room. He pulls the chair out and sits down. This must have been where the man conducted his business. There’s pens and pencils, papers with numbers and addresses on them, scissors and masking tape. Murdered Courier apparently was worried about shipping dangerous cargo. His hunch was right, although it looks like he couldn’t do anything about it last night despite his caution.

He opens up the drawers, finds check stubs and receipts, until he finds a stack of notebooks. All but one are completely filled with client information. Their phone numbers, the amount paid, the address to, the address from, how urgently the package needed delivering. Sleuth flips through the unfilled one, and looks at the last page with writing on it.

Problem Sleuth hears voices and his head instinctively snaps to the sound. He quickly puts the notebooks back into the drawers and returns the desk as best as he can to the state he found it in. He curls up the unfilled notebook and keeps it in his pocket.

Problem Sleuth goes to the door and listens in. Impatient stomping is followed by deliberate tapping followed by heavy thuds and then barely noticeable scraping.

“is this the place” He hears from the other side.

“Of course it is.”

“then somebody open the goddamn door already”

The doorknob shakes.

“YER BEING TOO GENTLE WITH IT”

“It’s not opening.”

“no shit droog” What are the Midnight Crew doing here? “tear open this damn door boxcars”

“Slow down, Slick. The door’s unlocked, the doorknob’s just jammed.”

“well” Slick asks.

“I’ve got some tweezers; I think I can pull whatever’s jamming it out.”

The doorknob shakes again. Problem Sleuth flips the deadbolt to slow the Midnight Crew down.

“WHATS TAKING YOU SO LONG” Boxcars' deep bass echoes.

“I got what was jamming it out but the door’s locked.” Sleuth hears as he quietly makes his way to the window.

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN’T LOCKED?” Clubs Deuce's high tenor asks.

Sleuth carefully exits through the window onto the fire escape. He slowly lowers the window as quietly as possible.

“It wasn’t. Somebody’s already here.” Sleuth hears Diamonds Droog explain.

“LET ME AT IT”

“no get out of the goddamn way ill take care of this” Sleuth finishes closing the window, and watches as a card surfaces from the crack in the door. A two-handed sword cuts off the deadbolt and the door flies open. Sleuth lays down flat on the fire escape beneath the window.

Problem Sleuth: Hide evidence somehow.

What are the Midnight Crew doing here? Are they here to clean up the place before the cops arrive? Are they looking for the murderer on their own?

Whatever the case, you don’t want them to find you or what you’ve already found. You decide it’s probably a good idea to trust in the mail service.

==>

This is an easy decision to make because nobody messes with the mail in this town.

The problem is that you won’t be able to look at your evidence until it gets back to you. But getting it securely in your hands is more important than risking it getting taken away.

You pull out one of many manila envelopes you keep in your coat for just such occasions and stuff Murdered Courier’s client list inside. You seal it close, and think about how you’re going to get to a mail drop box without getting skewered by a deck of playing cards.

Problem Sleuth: Be Clubs Deuce.

You are now Spades Slick.

Whoever this fucker is can pull an impressive disappearing act. But you’re looking real hard to notice anything because you’ll be damned if you let Droog find out where this guy went before you.

Oh, goddammit. He’s already noticed something.

Problem Sleuth nestles himself as close to the brick wall as possible, but the window opens suddenly and a classy man in a suit pops his head out, searching left and right before quickly looking down. He smiles. A frigid rock hits the bottom of Sleuth’s stomach.

“Hello, Problem Sleuth.” He says, icicles practically falling off his voice.

Problem Sleuth gives his best smile. “Nice to see you, Diamonds Droog.”

Problem Sleuth pulls his key out of his pocket. Diamonds Droog ducks back inside as a few new keyholes get made in the brick behind him.

Problem Sleuth rolls up and starts leaping down the flights of the fire escape. He catches sight of an enormous black blur falling down to the asphalt below, and as it smashes into the ground the fire escape shakes. He looks up to see Diamonds Droog holding two cards in his hand, firing both guns at the fleeing private detective. The fire escape sparks as bullets ricochet of the iron.

Hearts Boxcars is waiting at the bottom of the fire escape. Problem Sleuth pulls his key ring out and feels the drum barrel rapidly empty out of bullets. Hearts Boxcars picks up a dumpster as cover, and throws it at the fire escape during a break in fire. Boxcars bellows as the escape busts off its bottom anchors, only to realize Sleuth is already running down the alley the opposite way.

Problem Sleuth turns a corner and falls onto his side as he leaps out of the way of a thrown card that wobbles as it sticks in the bricks behind him. Problem Sleuth quickly picks himself up.

“ive been waiting to do this a long time” Slick says, his deck of cards getting tossed between his hands.

Sleuth pulls the key out of his pocket and points it at Slick. He moves closer and starts circling around Slick. “There’s no reason we can’t just talk this all out.”

“we aint at the ask questions later part yet” Slick settles on his Butterfly Effect knife, flicking it around in his hand. He circles around Sleuth the opposite way.

“For my part,” Slueth says, continuing to circle. “I think we could use a nice, long chat between us. It’s been forever since we last talked. How you been, Slick?”

“shut your fucking trap” Slick says. He grips the Butterfly Effect knife, ready to strike as his feet keep circling around Problem Sleuth.

“Aww, you don’t want to talk? That’s a shame.” Problem Sleuth says. He pockets his key, turns around and runs towards the street.

“oh goddammit” Slick swears.

Clubs Deuce: Catch Problem Sleuth and prove you’re a useful member of the Midnight Crew.

You use your Short Guy Skedaddle, the innate ability for all short sidekicks to run around in a really zany but very fast manner, to catch up to Sleuth.

==>

Problem Sleuth turns around and kicks you in the face.

Problem Sleuth turns a street corner and runs towards a mailbox. He throws the manila envelope inside and keeps running. He looks over his shoulder. He smiles. The Midnight Crew didn’t see his postal drop.

A cab coming down the street from the opposite direction honks its horn. It pulls a U turn in the middle of heavy traffic, and skids alongside Problem Sleuth. A charming black carapace winks her white eyes at Problem Sleuth. “Need a ride?”

Problem Sleuth gets in the back seat. “Just drive. Get me anywhere but here.”

Midnight Crew: Let Problem Sleuth get away.

Diamonds Droog walks up to Spades Slick’s side and pulls the cigarette stub out of his mouth. “That was a smart move, Slick, letting him get away. We can get him later once he knows more.”

Spades Slick grunts unintelligibly and puts a knife at Droog’s throat. “i oughtta let out your blood all over your goddamn suits for saying i let that bastard get away”

Droog drops the stub on the asphalt and grinds it with his shoe. “Look, Slick, sometimes I’m just trying to give you a way to save face.” Droog walks away.

Midnight Crew: Be Problem Sleuth again.

“So what are you in a hurry for?” Transportation Deferrer asks.

“Oh, you know. The usual.” Sleuth says, adjusting his hat.

“Trouble with the law, huh.” She comments.

“You could say that.” Sleuth sits forward and puts his hands on the front seat. “I appreciate you getting my ass out of the fire back there, but here’s the thing. If the Midnight Crew is looking for the same things I am, things are going to get pretty dangerous for me.”

“What’s your point?”

Sleuth takes a breath. “I don’t want you getting dragged into this.”

Deferrer looks back at Sleuth through the rearview mirror. “Is that worry, Problem Sleuth? Are you worried about me?” She begins laughing. “I’ve got the fastest cab and the heaviest foot in all the city and you’re worried about me getting involved in your hardboiled scuffles?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.” Problem Sleuth sits back a bit sheepishly. “Just, try to keep your distance for a little while. I’ll be more than happy to let you drive me around everywhere once things calm down again.”

Transportation Deferrer sighs. “When you put it like that, how can I refuse?” She says. “I’ll try to stay out of trouble. Because you asked so nicely.” She blows him a kiss through the rear view mirror.

“Thanks.”

“So, where’re you going, Sleuth? My place or yours?”

Problem Sleuth shakes his head with a smirk on his face as he thinks about what to do. “Neither. Wealthy Quantifier’s.” He says as he pulls the address out of his pocket and hands it to Deferrer.

“Ooooh.” She mocks, grabbing the address over her shoulder. “Getting the really classy ones, aren’tcha?”

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In the Special Edition of this fic, Diamonds Droog will shoot first, and then later Problem Sleuth and Diamonds Droog will shoot at the same time.

One of the things that stuck out to me when I watched The Big Sleep a while ago is that every woman Sam Spade met in the service industry came on to him really hard and in just about the least subtle fashion possible. This is why PM and TD flirt so brazenly with Problem Sleuth all the time.

A-very nice!

Fantasy Fulfilled

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Kanaya could not believe it. Not only was she alive again, but she had been gifted with an invitation into the world of the rainbow drinkers! It was an incredible thing. Her fangs were just a bit sharper, and... She felt just a little bit hungry. Quite hungry, really. Famished.

She turned, and found a dead sea troll. She seemed familiar... What was her name? Oh, it did not matter. It is, after all, customary to allow the dead to be used as food. A little bit of blood would not be missed.

Kanaya drained the girl. It was just so wonderful! She desired just a little bit more every time she came close to stopping. Kanaya pressed her hand to the girl's head, insuring the pleasantness of her meal. It was absolutely delectable; she tasted like fine wine, fit for an empress.

When the mertroll had no more blood to give, Kanaya craved for more. She needed more; she was just so hungry. It was then she noticed a pool of green around her; whose blood could this be, Kanaya wondered? It's just lying here, going to waste. All things must be set to a purpose, Kanaya thought. Efficiency above all. That was the motto of the entire troll culture, and it was what went through Kanaya's mind as she lapped up her own blood like an animal.

Kanaya was simply starving. She could not understand why: it seemed as if every ounce she drank emptied her stomach rather than filled it. She had to find more. She would die if she could not find more.

She stumbled to the transportalizer; surely she could find another meal down here. When she appeared on the exit she heard voices. A loud, hoarse voice was rambling to himself nearby. Kanaya moved towards the boy as she licked her lips in anticipation.

The boy noticed Kanaya. His eyes widened in surprise at the sight of her, and then tears flowed in joy. It is not natural for a troll to cry; when tears flow, so does blood. Kanaya could taste it in the air already.

"KANAYA, THANK GOG! HOW ARE YOU ALIVE! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE? ...KANAYA?" Kanaya had stumbled to the boy whose name she could not quite remember, smiling wide in ecstasy. She licked his face where his tears were. It was a treat. She needed more.

The boy mistook her intentions and embraced her. "OH KANAYA, I THOUGHT I HAD LOST YOU. DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF YOU WERE TO UP AND DIE AGAIN."

Kanaya did not understand what this boy meant. Perhaps he had felt some sort of connection to her before? Kanaya certainly could not recall any attachment. All she could think of was his neck, soft, warm, tempting.

He tasted of cherries.

Author Comments:

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Been a while since I last wrote in third person. Typically I prefer the first person point of view because it allows me to more easily get in the head of my main character, but I think the narration worked out OK this time.

This is not in any way a prediction of what Rainbow Drinker Kanaya will be. In fact in light of the most recent walkaround I would be quite shocked if this turned out to be anywhere close to the truth.

Didn't stop me from thinking it would make an interesting fanfic.

*shudder*

Whoa... That was...

Goooooooooooooooood...

Hopy shit this thread has jumped in size. Man, just to think that the last thread was going on its last leg when I left it.

Uhm...

Okay, so here is a probably very repetetive Gamzee fic. Really, it's not supposed to make much sense, because it's an exercise in opposites and contradictions, and how that must have been tearing at him.

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It hurt.

It hurt, and it seared through his gut and froze his bones, and nothing had ever felt like this before.

It ripped through his veins in a frenzy, coursing across his shoulders and arms and up through his neck, and bubbled out through his throat in a high, ringing laugh.

And then it dropped. He may as well have been born from a rock crag, because everything was so

so

still.

In those moments of silence, he could hear a distant chorus echoing through his mind. A whirl of sound that could barely be picked apart, and each strain wove into another. A chain of laughter was a short staccato burst of screams, a pluck of music was the rattle of weapons. A honk of a horn was a distant call to begin the fight.

It flashed across his brain, absence and essence equally crowding together, and he realized slowly the pain was making him laugh, and it really wasn't pain because it was really just an idea all along. And it was the concept that was terrible, not it's dawning.

(Because Gamzee loved his friends

and they all deserved to die.)

Only when he realized that he couldn't separate the sounds, because they weren't meant to be apart, did something seem twist inside him. After all, that was it all along. Even as everything seemed to grow a shade darker, its clarity was maddening and irresistable.

Gamzee wanted to weep as a laugh took wing and flew from him.

Why did they never see it?

The cacophony engulfed him, and everything fell quiet.

I laud your performance.

Oh fuck, why did I write this? It's fucking terrible. It will be jossed within 24 hours. I can't write Nepeta or Equius ARGH.

Purrfect Morails

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Bluh bluh AO3
WARNING: Death, blood, violence.

Beautiful.

Linked for kinda squicky. (Not the gore kind.)

Shatter

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I like to 8reak nice things.

Woot!

Warmth:

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The first thing I remember was the warmth. It flowed into my mouth, down my throat, and from their all through me. The cold I hadn’t even noticed began to recede, and in its absence I realized how horrible it had been. I also felt the already fading sting of an injury on my stomach, but it was all but gone by the time I noticed it.

The warmth that flowed past my lips felt...well, still good I suppose. But something was missing. It was like your favorite dish, but someone had let the meal grow cold before serving it to you. The ever-growing effort to draw the warmth out felt wrong. This doesn’t stop me, however. I drink and drink as long as I can. If the warmth had not run out, I felt like I could have simply stayed there for all eternity, sucking it into my being and feeling it fill me.

Sadly, I soon found the elixir running thin, and I soon become frustrated. What was going on, where did the warmth go? I felt so much better, but I wanted more. I needed to find another source. But...a source of what?

With that question, the veil of euphoria lifted, and I became aware of my surroundings again. It was a strange sensation, like it had been some time since I had done anything at all, and I took a moment to remember how. All the feeling was there, but none of it made sense at first. I took my time and tried to decipher it. It took but a moment to remember my limbs, and feel that I was hunched down on the floor, leaning against something soft. That must have been where the warmth came from. My sense of taste and smell are flooded with a rich sent that awakens my hunger for the warmth that came before, and I realize that WAS the warmth. My ears hear nothing but the gentle wirr sound of computers, and a dripping sound that’s...very near.

I try and see, and nothing but darkness greets me. I almost panic, but then to my embarrassment I realized I had my eyes closed. I must really be out of it to not have noticed that before now. Feeling rather silly, I promptly open my eyes.

The first sight I am greeted with is Feferi’s corpse.

“OH! Oh Gog!”

I will admit my panicked and not entirely coordinated attempts to shuffle away from her body were...quite undignified. I can perhaps be excused for my actions by the impression that I had killed her. That is generally what happens when you suck out someone’s blood. Had I really held her down on the hornpile and bitten down on her neck like that? Had I really?

I felt sick, I wanted to vomit, to get all her blood out of me, but the bile never came. It was like my somach was empty and full at once, if that makes any sense, and nothing came up. I compromised by placing my hands over my mouth, ignoring the wet feeling on them, and looking panicked for a few moments. I was a murderer, I had taken the life of a friend! What would Karkat think, or Sollux, or Eriden, or-

“ERIDEN!”

In a rush it all came back: the conversation with Jade, taking the Matriorb to the teleporter, and then Eriden’s sudden arrival. Then...then he had started talking with Feferi and Sollux. It had gotten heated, and she had overheard a very foolish plan on Eriden’s part. They fought; Sollux was slammed against the wall. Dead? She didn’t know, but he was not the victor either way. Feferi had charged in anger, and Eriden had...

Breaking from her thoughts, I glance over at the body. A guilty part of me feels relief that I had not ended her life. I don’t think I, or most of the others, would ever forgive me for that. But Eriden killing her was almost as bad. She felt a deep hate in her boil at the thought of the sea-dwelling trator. He had hurt Sollux, killed Feferi, and obliterated the Matriorb along with the last hope for their race! And even after that, he-

Wait, how did I survive? I remember the bolt going through me. Not into, through. You don’t get up from that.

Suddenly it started to dawn on me. I looked down at my shirt and discovered the hole in question, but it was only in my shirt. I could see grey skin whole and unbroken underneath it. It looked raw and tender, but still far better than the gaping wound that should have been there. And the first thing I was aware of doing was...

“Oh, Am I A Rainbow Drinker?”

I don’t know how, none of it makes sense to me, but that’s what it is. “If you eliminate the impossible and the improbable, whatever is left must be the truth.” I think Charles Darwin said that. No, I’m positive that was him. I had to contact the others, help them and let them know I was ok! Karkat would want to...and as soon as my mind went to our reluctant leader it suddenly struck me.

When I thought of him, I felt the hunger return. This wasn’t like my Trollight books; I could not simply feed on wild animals to be a form of “vegetarian rainbow drinker” like Troll-Edward was. I’m also quite sure I’m not a vision of dark beauty like I always fanaticized I would be. To be sure I looked down into the polished floor; luckily rainbow drinkers have extra-visible reflections. A quick check in the reflective surface showed how I really looked. I was the same Kanaya at first glance, but I looked like I had been through hell. My skin was an unhealthy shade for a troll, blood was pattered all over my front and face, and the hole in my shirt did not look good.

Even worse, I had a haggard sickly look about me, like a drug addict who was going into painful withdrawal. And isn’t that what it was? I was a LIFE addict, and I was forced to go cold-thanksgiving-bird-Lusus on it. So now I had to suck it out of others to get a fix? Feferi had kept me from murdering anyone for my first meal, and as guilty as I feel desecrating my friend like that it is far better than if she had been alive. But now what?

Where would I get the warmth I craved above all else now? I knew enough about Rainbow-Drinkers to know that they are ravenous right after they first turn, and they also grow very hungry if they have to regenerate from a heavy wound. I had just done both, and Feferi had only been enough to make me sane again, not fill my full hunger.

Who could I feed on? The thought sickened me, but I knew if I ran into anyone as I was now...I might not be able to control myself. On top of that, if I tried not to feed, I would just become an animal and go after whoever I first found. The thought makes me blush, but perhaps Vriska? There is a certain sensual aspect to feeding on a living host, if the books were to be believed. Although I doubt the accuracy of my Trollight books at this point, I’m not glowing in the dark at all!

The answer hits me simply, Eriden. He killed me, or at least he good as did. He also did...those other things. Gog, it’s hard to even think about! I would make him pay, and snap that wand of his in half! He was now one troll I would feel no guilt sucking every last drop out of.

I move to the transporter, but stop after a moment of consideration. I quickly retrieve my chainsaw; I mean lipstick, from the floor. I also steal Eriden’s discarded cape, it’s actually contrasts well with my shade of green, and helps me work the more classical Rainbow Drinker look. It actually brings me some comfort, to think about fashion like that. It says I’m still Kanaya, at least in part. Whoever or whatever else I am, that’s who I choose to be. And Kanaya, Sylph of Space, Mother of the New Universe, Jade Blood, and Rainbow Drinker had a job to do.

“Let’s Go Hunting.”

Ooh...

This RainbowDrinker!Kanaya fics are givin' me...

the jibblies...

ALSO,

So, it's 4 A.M, on a school-night...

Forgive me for making this short.

Doomed!Trolls: The Main Reason

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Eridan found the walls discomforting.

In his mix of sorrow and anger, he tossed the scarf as far as he could across the room.

It landed two feet away from him.

Just another disappointment...

Another sorrow...

He and Gamzee were the last ones left.

All the others went insane.

It started with Vriska killing Tavros. Then Aradia came back, and the two of them killed each other off. Sollux snapped and killed Equius. Nepeta went insane with bloodthirst, Kanaya became a rainbowdrinker...

It came down to Karkat having to kill Terezi, and as she tried to draw a red heart with the blood that he had spilt, he had slit his own protein chute.

It was all very depressing, for sure.

And they called me ovver-dramatic...

Gamzee would be the only source of comfort, if only...

No, he hadn't gone crazy.

Though according to a man with mysteriously white text, he had.

In the alpha timeline.

Yeah...

They were in an off-shoot timeline.

The Prince of Hopelessness found the fact particularly depressing.

But no.

That's not why he was saddened at this moment.

Not at all.

The main reason...

THE reason...

Why he felt so down...

It wasn't that his friends had gone crazy and left each other's blood strewn about the facility...

Or that he was in a doomed timeline...

Stuck in a meteor-lab with a derpy clown...

It was because that, even when Eridan was the only other troll left...

Gamzee had still rejected him.

[maxicaxi]

CROSSOVERS: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

Seriously, I really like crossovers and I just came up with a really shitty one that I would do if I had any talent at all and wasn't incredibly lazy, WH40K/HS
it would be set in an alternate imperium where personal computers are common and there was an internet which works over massive distances named warpnet which would make it less GRIMDARK while still preserving original flavour
title ideas: Warlocked WarTorn
Basic character ideas
Techpriest: A techpriest Novice/Adept/whatever that belives that the feelings of humanity and logic of the machine-spirts must be combined to form the perfect mind, acts more human then his fellows
Commisar: Future Commissar who just wants to be a useless piece of shit and play video games all day, Wears shades and writes shitty webcomics
Mekboy: an ork who is a bit more civilised then other orks, drinks tea and wears a suit and a tophat
dosent tell anyone else that he is an ork until they see it through sburb

if no one else wants to write it then I will probably procrastinate until I forget about it

[Aerodactylus]

THE UPDATES. GUYS, I CAN'T HANDLE THEM. Equiuuuuus...

[Wigmund]

What updates?

[Aerodactylus]

The ones from last night. They must've gone up pretty late, because they're still dated 2/6. But the HSQ just keeps going up.

[battlerek]

CROSSOVERS: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

Seriously, I really like crossovers and I just came up with a really shitty one that I would do if I had any talent at all and wasn't incredibly lazy, WH40K/HS
it would be set in an alternate imperium where personal computers are common and there was an internet which works over massive distances named warpnet which would make it less GRIMDARK while still preserving original flavour
title ideas: Warlocked WarTorn
Basic character ideas
Techpriest: A techpriest Novice/Adept/whatever that belives that the feelings of humanity and logic of the machine-spirts must be combined to form the perfect mind, acts more human then his fellows
Commisar: Future Commissar who just wants to be a useless piece of shit and play video games all day, Wears shades and writes shitty webcomics
Mekboy: an ork who is a bit more civilised then other orks, drinks tea and wears a suit and a tophat
dosent tell anyone else that he is an ork until they see it through sburb

if no one else wants to write it then I will probably procrastinate until I forget about it

Okay, these updates, along with reading a couple of depressing fics on AO3 is geting me down, so I'm going to do this to make me feel better.

--DakkaDispensa[DD] began pestering DeviousSage [DS]--

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DD : OI! PANZY! YOUZ GOING TA JOIN US IN DIS GAME OR NOT!?
DS: I have already told you that playing this game is a huge mistake;
DS: Through consultation with my runes; I have learned that to play this game will doom the Eldar race;
DS: Oh; And everyone else too, but who cares about a bunch of hairy savages, idiotic fishmen, and filthy greenskins; No offense;
DD : AGH, IT'S FINE. I'Z USED TA YOU AND YOUR FANCY SPACE ELF INSULTS.
DD : AND THE OONIVERSE ENDING'S A GOOD THING FER ME, SINCE THE WARBOSS IS GONNA CRUMP ME HEAD IF HE FINDS OUT IF I'M MUCKING ABOUT ON WARPNET INSTEAD OF BUILDING DAT GARGANT OF HIS.
DS: Ugh; I should have known better when I thought I could convince you not to go through with it; Perhaps the mon-keigh will be more easily convinced;
DD : YA MEAN DAT INQUISITOR GIT, WOSSITSNAME, AUGUSTUS?
DD : HEHE, HE'D LIZTEN TA ANYTHING YOUZ SAY IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN B8II.
DS: I don't know what you're talking about;
DD : COME ON, PANZY, YA KNOW WHAT I'Z TALKING ABOUT. OLE PUSSFACE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT HOW YOUZ BEEN INTA-WOVING YOUZ FUTURE WITH IM, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN B;II.
DD : I'Z TALKIN' ABOUT DAT THING YOUZ NON-ORKY GITS DO TA MAKE MORE OF YOUZ.
DD : NOT THAT DERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH DAT MIND YOUZ.
DS:...Are you suggesting that I would...play with his wraithbone; Because if you are; Then you have been fed lies by that Nurglite wretch;
DS: I would never do something so...depraved; Not even under pain of torture;
DD : I DON'T FINK YOUZ GOT TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, DEM INQUISTOR GITZ GOTS A FETISH FER TORTURE I THINK, JUST LIKE YER COUSIN!
DD : YOU ELDAR LIKE STUFF LIKE DAT, DON'T YOUZ?
DS: Please don't mention that, that, harlot in my presence; And for the last time; There is nothing going on between me and that inquisitor buffoon; Why; The thought of even touching that degenerate oaf and his inferior musculature makes me want to release large warpfire upon my surroundings;
DD : HEHEHEHEHE
DD : YA KNOW, YA ALWAYS THROW AROUND DEM BIG ELDAR INSULTS AT GITS YA LIKE II8D.
DS: This conversation is over;
DD : YA CAN'T FOOL ME, PANZY, ME CYBORK BRAIN CAN READ YEZ LIKE ONE OF DEM THINGIES YOUZ LOT YOUZ TA REMEMBER STUFF

--DeviousSage [DS ceased pestering DakkaDispensa [DD]--

--VindictiveDefender [VD] began pestering FenrisianRogue [FR]

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VD : Ah, Brother-seargeant S=I=gurd, good day to you.
FR: *The mighty wolflord acknowledges his pasty comrade-in-arms, and asks him if he wishes to join him in a friendly game of chainaxe toss.
VD : Er, no thank you, but =I= apprec=I=ate your offer.
FR: *The mighty wolflord sighs in disappointment but returns to his vigor once more after a swig of fenrisian ale.
FR: So, how's it going Augie? Been smiting heretics left and right?
VD : S=I=gurd, =I='m Ordo Xenos. My job =I=s to study and slay aliens.
VD : Anyway, =I= wanted to ask you =I=f you're still going to jo=I=n us =I=n that game Techpr=I=est Hadr=I=an excavated last month.
FR: *The wolflord ponders his friend's proposition for a moment, before replying with a heartfelt yes.
FR: Who else are is joining us in this game?
VD : Well, as=I=de from you and =I=, Hadr=I=an w=I=ll be jo=I=n=I=ng us, as w=I=ll Comm=I=ssar Gertrude.
FR: Anyone else?
VD : Weeeell
VD : =I= may have, hypothet=I=cally, theoret=I=cally, probably, sorta asked a few xenos assoc=I=ates of mine to jo=I=n.
FR: *The wolflord smells something that might be HERETICAL.
FR: And who might these xenos associates be?
VD : =I= have =I=nv=I=ted the Ork Mek Gearwalka, Farseer Pansal=I=uem, the Dark Eldar =I=ncubus Sarcon Loatheheart and s=I=nce =I=t's a pa=I=n to type her name, Tau Commander Mary.
FR: Okay, okay, okay.
FR: I'm okay with that boob Mary joining, and Gearwalka's a fun guy when he's not welding power klaws on your head. But no, you are not letting the bitch cousins join us.
VD : We don't have a cho=I=ce =I=n the matter, sadly.
VD : Hadr=I=an acc=I=dentally sent several =I=rreplacable cop=I=es of the program to them already. We're stuck w=I=th them =I='m afra=I=d.
VD : And besides, the Farseer =I=sn't so bad when she's not b=I=tch=I=ng about everyth=Ing.
FR: *The Wolflord is amused yet a little disturbed by his comrade and his blooming love for the Xenos witch.
FR: *The rumors told to him by the gossipy but innefectual turncoat turns out to be fact.
VD : Please don't tell me you bel=I=eve the Nurglite. He's obv=I=ously tell=I=ng one of h=I=s ev=I=l chaos l=I=es.
FR: I dunno man, being a lying douchebag isn't Nurgle's forte as far as I know.
VD : Who's the guy who graduated from =I=nquisitor school and thus knows way more about the forces of chaos than most people in the =I=mperium?
VD : That's r=I=ght, me. And =I= say he's ly=I=ng. Because =I= would never try to ask a Xenos witch =I=f she would l=I=ke to watch me conduct exterm=I=natus on a planet.
FR: *The wolflord rolls his eyes, finding his friend and his inane attempts at hiding his xeno crush completely silly.
FR: Yeah, whatever man. Enough about you and your space elf humping, when am I getting this program the cogboy sent you guys?
VD : =I='ll ask h=I=m to send =I=t to you later. He'll probably contact you soon about it.
FR: *The wolflord nods curtly and waits for the cogboy to reply, until then he will go the Chapter pantry to see if there's still any grox burgers left.
VD : Good. Do that. Talk to you later.
FR: *The mighty wolflord says his farewells for now.

--VindictiveDefender [VD] ceased pestering FenrisianRogue [FD]

Okay, they're not exactly the character types you requested, but if I decide to continue writing more of this stuff I'll try to incorporate your ideas.

[Douhneill]

Hey. Hey guys. I heard something about crossovers, right? Guess what?

Heirman: chapter 5
Prologue, 1, 2, 3, 4

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The mine was hard to navigate.

Mining robots usually use a nonvisual means of noticing their surroundings, but John wasn't equipped with one, so he had to make do with what little lighting his heirbuster would emit when charged.

The mine was still running. Any large opening would be filled with imps in hardhats, each one digging frantically for any amount of ore it could find. The majority of them were docile, although every so often one of them would catch sight of him and attack wildly.

Obj3c************3v1d3n**************1ng on th3***********h4nd!

His radio was picking up a signal.

Now******3ssor, w*********4nsw3r th3********

The signal was weak and not entirely understandable, but John was able to pinpoint which way he should be heading.

*****honour, *******n3ss****cl34rly ly****

He was getting closer. The signal was still unstable, however.

Court****4djourn3d*****4 f1ft33n m1nut3***c3ss.

Joes up ahead. They seemed to notice the light from John's heirbuster. John fired his shot to snuff out the light. The Joes stopped and fired in his direction. They missed entirely. It seemed that Joes primarily used sight, just as he did. He changed modes, and fired Sollux's first virus. He walked past the remains once it was all over.

There were large, stone doors at the end of the tunnel. There was no doubt, John's next target was behind them. He changed modes, took a deep breath, and opened them.

The room was large, and oddly, was well lit. It was in the perfect likeness of a courtroom, and was filled with an innumerable amount of puppets serving as the defendant, the witnesses, the jury, as well as everyone else in the court.
"Court 1s now 1n s3ss1on. 4ll r1s3 b3for3 h1s honour, th3 judg3."
Terezi was standing at the prosecutor's table. Whether it was her addiction to keeping up her role in her game, or merely that she hadn't noticed him, she made no action to show she knew he was there.
"I figured you'd be the one down here, reenacting scenes from Phoenix Wright."
Terezi turned around. Despite being used to her constant hyena smile, there was something about her demeanour that John found unsettling. Almost as though there was some twinkle of knowledge hidden behind those ruby glasses she always wore. It made him think of that Dave character he had met earlier.
"Th3r3 1s our cr1m1n4l! W3lcom3 to th3 courtroom, 'H31rm4n!'"
"Alright, sis. Playtime's over. Time to pack it up."
He took a step forward and aimed his heirbuster at Terezi. She responded by laughing.
"H3h3h3h3h3h. B41l1ffs, 1 r3qu1r3 your 4ss1st4nce."

Four Joes revealed themselves from amidst the dolls and opened fire.
"Whoa!"
John dove behind one of the seats for cover and charged his shot. To his surprise, the Joes didn't shoot once he was out of their sights. He considered changing modes and taking control of the Joes, but decided against it in favour of keeping his mode change as a surprise.

"B41liffs, h3's b3h1nd th3 b3nch."

John heard movement as the Joes drew closer. Thinking about possible strategies, he began to think about that duel he had had with "Dave". There was a very obvious connection between the two models of robot. He replayed the fight within his head. A certain phrase caught him.

"You're built for speed and power, and you use neither."

"Speed and power," he said. John stood up to find Terezi standing in front of him, cane in hand, smiling as though she just won the lottery.

"You'r3 v3ry 1nn4t3nt1v3, H31rm4n."
"It's okay. That's not what I was built for."

He dove backwards and fired his first shot, just narrowly evading the swing of Terezi's cane. The Joes fired their own rounds. John retaliated. Joes would let their guard down when attacking, he noticed. The situation became somewhat like a dance. Terezi swipes, John evades. The Joes attack, John strikes back. He could practically hear music playing as they fought.

But, as dancers were lost, the dance had to change. The rhythm was the same until the last Joe fell. Terezi stopped. John kept his heirbuster pointed straight at her.

"So do you surrender?"
"H4h! You 4r3 th3 cr1m1n4l to b3 t4k3n 1n h3r3." Terezi slowly moved toward John. John stepped backwards instinctively.
"Criminal? You don't really believe that Zahhak guy, do you?"
"Z4hh4k h4s no 3ff3ct upon my v3rrd1ct. 4ll th4t m4tt3rs 1s th4t you 4r3 to b3 4rr3st3d 4nd 3x3cut3d."
"You're out of your mind."
"H3h3h3h3h3h."

Another swing of Terezi's cane. John tried to dodge, but he was cornered. Shields at 73% The tides turned, Terezi held John at cane-point.

"Wh4t now, H31rm4n?"
"This."

With a mode change and a single motion, Terezi's cane was cut in half, as was the arm holding it. Terezi immediately collapsed.

"Low blow, b1g broth3r. Cutt1ng my pow3r sourc3 l1k3 th4t."
"I could have killed you instead."
"1 suppos3 you could h4v3."
"So, you ready to head home, or do you want me to shut you down first?"
"1'm 4bout to shut down 4nyw4y."
"True."

John picked up the now nonfunctioning robot and began to make his way out of the caves.

He got lost on the way out.

A/N

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OH SNAP I ACTUALLY CONTINUED IT.
I don't really like this chapter for some reason. Maybe I just wrote it badly, or maybe I'm just crazy. What do you think?


And now, who is next?


Hopefully the next chapter won't take almost 2 threads to finish. Hopefully.
Although I'd still like to do that silly Q&A filler episode, if you guys are willing to send me questions.

*edit* hey, whaddayaknow. I ninja'd someone else for once.

[Graven_Image]

...And the wolf guy RP's. Brilliant.

E: Ninja. D'oh.

[Wigmund]

The ones from last night. They must've gone up pretty late, because they're still dated 2/6. But the HSQ just keeps going up.

I know which ones you were talking about ;P
It's just hit the point where I really could care less about this whole "Oh look, the trolls are dying" thing going on. It would have been much better if it was just a week of such updates. I'm bored of actual Homestuck when it returns to trolls-killing-trolls.
I had a bigger Holy Shit reaction to Bro's death than I did to most everything that's happened since [S] Wake.

But anyways, I'd write a fic right now, but the wifi on campus throws a fit when I try to post my 3-to-5 page doorstops.

[Path]

@Wigmund - Yesssss Red Team thank you. I love you, Sarge.

but I want to mention that I just did a double take when I noticed that someone else actually knows about Murder By Death beyond me and my immediate family.

I rented it about a thousand times in the space from Grade 6 until I went off to university. Recently I found the DVD and felt like such a winner.

@emesis - Droog scares the shit out of me. As always.

@Path: Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid would be an even more genre appropriate metaparody, since that movie specifically spoofs hardboiled detective movies, instead of Death by Murder which parodies murder mysteries in general.

I feel like a tool for not being familiar with it. I must go find.
I had a cute book called "It's a Bitter Little World" that I need to figure out where I put and milk for ideas.

[maxicaxi]

@battlerek

cool, I like it!
and at least you chose one of the two chapters I like even if you did include a space marine

Edit:Also the characters where just ideas, do what ever you want

[Altum]

Shatter

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I like to 8reak nice things.

Yay, you finally posted it. Vriska once again proving she is behind everything.

And sick in the head.
Thanks =)

Oh my God, this is perfect. It makes so much sense--she never killed him before because until he could stand up to her he wasn't worth killing.

[Path]

Oh my God, this is perfect. It makes so much sense--she never killed him before because until he could stand up to her he wasn't worth killing.

That's how I explained it to myself after it happened.

[Twigwise]

Well... I'm not sure where this came from. Not really a fic, per-say, more a song, but either way~

Don't Cry For Me Dear Nepeta

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D --> It won't be easy
D --> You'll think it strange
D --> When I try to e%plain howI must go
D --> That I still need your love
D --> After all that I've done
D --> You won't believe me
D --> All you will see
D --> Is a boy you once knew
D --> Although dead and still smiling
D --> At odds with the living of you
D -->
D --> I had to let it happen
D --> I had to leave
D --> Couldn't stay all my life down at heart
D --> 100king out at the fighters
D --> Staying out of the fun
D --> So I chose to help
D --> Standing up and trying something new
D --> But nothing changed as I fell
D --> I didn't e%pect it to
D -->
D --> Don't cry for me dear Nepeta
D --> The truth is I never will leave you
D --> All through my dang'rous ways
D --> My mad e%istence
D --> You kept your promise
D --> Don't lose STRENGTH and miss this
D -->
D --> And as for subjugation and as for hearts
D --> I never invited them in
D --> Though it seemed to the world
D --> They were all I desired
D --> They are illusions
D --> They're not the pefections
D --> They promise to be
D --> The answer was here all the time
D --> I need you and hope need me
D -->
D --> Don't cry for me dear Nepeta
D -->
D --> Don't cry for me sweet Nepeta
D --> The truth is I never will leave you
D --> All through my STRONG days
D --> My mad e%istence
D --> You kept me sane so
D --> I won't let you miss this
D -->
D --> Have I said too much
D --> There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
D --> But all you have to do
D --> Is 100k at me to know
D --> That every word is true

A/N

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I dunno. I've had it stuck in my head all day. I don't know if I've done this properly, if it makes sense or what, but at least it's out of my head :/
(Equius now and forever has a very pretty operatic voice to me.)

Decker, did I mention that that fic captures Vriska perfectly? Because it does.