HiveBrawl: The Trollening

[Obselescence]

Link to the mirror.

Note that chronologically this takes place somewhere just prior to the fight with the Black King in Hivebent. All twelve trolls are alive and well, none of them are on psychotic rampages, Eridan wields Ahab's Crosshairs, Aradia is not God Tier, and the kids haven't been met yet.



You are (temporarily) Karkat Vantas and for some reason that is completely unapparent to you, you have been teleported into some kind of strange BRAWLOSSEUM. You've heard of these places. They are the mythical battlegrounds upon which Threshecutioners and Subjuggulators and Slam Poets and the like all got together, had some laughs, and beat the ever-loving shit out of each other.

Of course, those are total myths. BRAWLOSSEUMS do not and never have existed...

Present BRAWLOSSEUM excluded.

Monolog:

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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: THE HELL IS THIS?

[Doorhandle]

> Find what hell this is.

[Wacom Guy]

Do you have to fight gamzee? Also WHEN is this? before or after gamzee went insane??

[Obselescence]

Do you have to fight gamzee? Also WHEN is this? before or after gamzee went insane??

Brawl details handled in time. Chronologically, it's somewhere before fighting the Black King in Hivebent.

> Find what hell this is.

You think you can handle that.

You look around with your shitty VISION PERIPHERAL to check that the gang's all here...

Yep, all twelve of you assholes are knee-deep in this. There's two of your buds now.



Oh, great. One of them's a crazy maniac and the other's a girl.

You figure that you can decide which one is which at a later time.

Grouplog:

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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] and gallowsCalibrator [GC]


CG: ALRIGHT EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME
GC: NO N33D TO SHOUT K4RK4T
GC: W3 C4N 4LL H34R YOU JUST F1NE
CG: SORRY GUYS I THINK THERE'S SOME KIND OF INTERFERENCE.
CG: IT SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE TEREZI NOT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP, BUT THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT BECAUSE I JUST GAVE EXPLICIT ORDERS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
CG: SO I GUESS WE'LL ALL HAVE TO SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR THIS UNKNOWN INTERFERENCE TO BLOW OVER.
GC: 4LL R1GHT F1N3. >8|
CG: OKAY, NOW THAT THAT BULLSHIT IS OUT OF THE WAY, WE HAVE TO FIND OUT WHERE IN THE VAST FUCKING REACHES OF PARADOX SPACE WE ARE.
CA: i think wwere in a brawwlosseum or something
CG: OH FUCK NO.
CG: NOT YOU TOO, MAN.
CA: chill man its not that bad
GC: H3H3H3H3
GC: OH MY GOD 1 C4NT STOP L4UGH1NG
CG: I SWEAR, IF I HAVE TO BUST SOME GODDAMN BONE BULGES TO GET RID OF THIS INTERFERENCE I WILL DO THAT SHIT.
CG: I WILL SHATTER YOU INTO SO MANY PIECES THAT ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DIG YOU UP AND WONDER WHAT KIND OF APESHIT STORM COULD HAVE BROKEN YOU SO BADLY.
CG: LET'S GO. WHO'S FIRST?
CG: NOBODY? GOOD.
CG: RIGHT, SO LET'S LOOK AROUND A LITTLE. I'LL TAKE THE LEAD.
CG: I'M GOING TO TURN MY HEAD EXACTLY FIFTY DEGREES TO THE LEFT AND THERE BETTER BE SOME FUCKING ANSWERS THERE.

[Crimkx3]

Fucking Answers: Be there

[Wacom Guy]

Gamzee: Fart like a horn

[AProcrastinatingWriter]

>Announcer/Referee: Appear. Approximately fifty degrees to the left.

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

> Announcer/Referee: Appear. Approximately fifty degrees to the right. Announce something, scaring the shit out of Karkat.

[Obselescence]

Gamzee: Fart like a horn

Honk

>Announcer/Referee: Appear. Approximately fifty degrees to the left.

Whoops. Too much head-turn there. Ease off on the gas, slick.

Hmm... no answers to the left. Just a Sollux Captor. Fucking Sollux, always being there where your answers should be. Maybe the right will prove more fruitful.

> Announcer/Referee: Appear. Approximately fifty degrees to the right. Announce something, scaring the shit out of Karkat.

HOLY SHIT.

Fucking Answers: Be there

Action successful.

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Hello.
CG: WHO IN THE BLUE FUCK ARE YOU?
You'll find my proper name to be irrelevant in future proceedings, so I won't bother telling you what it is. You are free to refer to me however you wish.
CG: WELL GREAT MORE CRYPTIC BULLSHIT.
CG: JUST ONCE I'D LIKE ALL THE ANSWERS TO BE WRAPPED UP IN A NEAT LITTLE BOX.
CG: AND THEY'LL BE ALL LIKE "HERE WE ARE, KARKAT. ENJOY."
CG: INSTEAD OF MAKING EVERYTHING SOME KIND OF GODDAMN TEST OF TRIALS.
CG: I RESPECTFULLY REQUEST THAT YOU FUCK OFF UNTIL YOU CAN GIVE A PROPER ANSWER.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] got in on this biznasty.
GC: K4RK4T SHUT UP
GC: YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO G3T US K1LLED!!!!! >:o
Your friend is correct. I would advise that you be quiet while I explain.
You see, I've brought all of you here for a purpose.
The reason is really quite trifling, but one has to keep oneself occupied.
I'm waiting for a certain... event to happen.
And so I've resorted to charades such as this for amusement.
You see, you are all here to compete in a tournament of my own design.
Matches will be arranged, and the winner will be decided when one combatant either forfeits or dies.
It's really quite simple.
The winner receives the right to leave the Brawlosseum, in addition to three wishes.
They can be anything, so long as they're within my considerable power to grant.

terminallyCapricious [TC] got in on this biznasty.
TC: yO mAn SoUnDs LiKe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiNdFaLl Of MiRaClEs.
TC: BuT iM nOt SuRe Im DoWn WiTh BeAtInG oN mY hOmIeS. :O(
CG: YES! FINALLY SOMEBODY SPEAKS SOME GODDAMN SENSE.
CG: ALL OF YOU TAKE NOTES FROM GAMZEE.
CG: EXCEPT FOR ALL THE FAYGO AND CLOWN SHIT.
CG: AND THE MIRACLES.
CG: TAKE SOME NOTES ABOUT SPEAKING GODDAMN SENSE IS WHAT I'M SAYING HERE.
CG: BUT YEAH, WHY SHOULD WE START KILLING EACH OTHER FOR YOUR SICK ASSHAT AMUSEMENT?
I'm glad you asked.

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CG: OKAY THAT IS A CONVINCING ARGUMENT.
CG: I AM CONVINCED.
CG: JUST TELL ME WHO TO FUCK UP AND I WILL GET RIGHT ON THAT FOR YOU.

Now taking suggestions for troll matchups.

[ardentApathy]

>Everyone vs. Vriska

>Equius vs. Eridan

[Legendary]

Well, there's twelve, which is unfortunate, as we'll have a twelve->-six->three breakdown...

Hmm...

01. Tavros vs. Vriska
02. Feferi vs. Sollux
03. Karkat vs. Equius
04. Aradia vs. Terezi
05. Kanaya vs. Eridan
06. Nepeta vs. Gamzee
07. #01 vs. #04 (that is, the winners, so one of the following: Tavros vs. Aradia, Tavros vs. Terezi, Vriska vs. Aradia, Vriska vs. Terezi)
08. #02 vs. #05
09. #03 vs. #06
10. #07 vs. #08
11. #09 vs. #10

Under this system, the first round of matches (#1-#6) and the second (#7, #8, #9) are designed to be rife with drama. Note that Karkat, Gamzee, Equius, or Nepeta, upon winning match #9, get a 'stay' and are guaranteed to make it to the final match, round #11. It also ensures that at most, only one God Tier individual will make it to Round #10.

[Obselescence]

Well, there's twelve, which is unfortunate, as we'll have a twelve->-six->three breakdown...

Hmm...

01. Tavros vs. Vriska
02. Feferi vs. Sollux
03. Karkat vs. Equius
04. Aradia vs. Terezi
05. Kanaya vs. Eridan
06. Nepeta vs. Gamzee
07. #01 vs. #04 (that is, the winners, so one of the following: Tavros vs. Aradia, Tavros vs. Terezi, Vriska vs. Aradia, Vriska vs. Terezi)
08. #02 vs. #05
09. #03 vs. #06
10. #07 vs. #08
11. #09 vs. #10

Under this system, the first round of matches (#1-#6) and the second (#7, #8, #9) are designed to be rife with drama. Note that Karkat, Gamzee, Equius, or Nepeta, upon winning match #9, get a 'stay' and are guaranteed to make it to the final match, round #11. It also ensures that at most, only one God Tier individual will make it to Round #10.

Oh wow that looks really fantastic.

My only concern is that a couple battles did actually happen in Homestuck, which makes me a little bit worried over the matches ending up the same way (i.e. Tavros loses. Kanaya loses, etc.)

But other than that it looks pretty nice and way more detailed tournamentwise than I'd have thought to set up.

EDIT: Oh, and chronologically, this is prior to fighting the Black King in Hivebent. Effectively, this means the following:

-Gamzee is not crazy.
-Kanaya, Tavros, and Feferi are safely alive.
-Tavros is in a wheelchair/rocketchair.
-Eridan is using Ahab's Crosshairs, not his Science Wand.
-Aradia is in a robot body. Not God Tier yet.
-The Trolls have not yet met the kids.

[Obselescence]

After much deliberation, the order of the tournament has been decided (in all of its oversized glory).

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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling EVERYONE EVER.

CG: IF YOU WILL ALL EXCUSE ME I AM GOING TO GIVE A VERY INSPIRING SPEECH.
CG: SO KEEP YOUR PROTEIN CHUTES SHUT OR I'M GOING TO PREEMPTIVELY TAKE ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DOWN. CLEAR?
CG: FANFUCKINGTASTIC.
CG: OKAY. THESE ARE TRULY DARK TIMES.
CG: WE MUST STAND STRONG AND BE DIGNIFIED IN THIS TOURNAMENT AND
CG: OH HELL NO I CAN'T DO THIS.
CG: LISTEN UP. AS LEADER, I DECLARE THAT EVERYBODY FORFEITS TO ME AND THAT WAY WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS WITH MINIMUM RAINBOWSPILLING. I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU ALL WITH THE WISHES.
CG: EVERYBODY IN AGREEMENT SAY "I'M NOT AN ENORMOUS TOOL."
CG: NOBODY IS SAYING IT. WHY IS NOBODY SAYING IT?
CG: MY ONLY CONCLUSION IS THAT EVERYBODY ELSE IS AN ENORMOUS TOOL.

arachnidsGrip [AG] got in on this biznasty.

AG: We're not going to give it up to you, Karkat, so s8ve your 8reath!!!!!!!
AG: If you're lucky, I'll use one of my wishes after I wiiiiiiiin to bring you 8ack.
AG: But I have all the luck anyw8y, soooooooo........
AG: :::;)


twinArmageddons [TA] got in on this biznasty.

TA: iin iit two wiin iit bro.
TA: sorry iif you thought you had iit.
CG: OH WHAT FUCK YOU GUYS.
CG: YOU ALL ARE INSUBORDINATE AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON A SUCCULENT MEAL OF YOUR OWN ASS AFTER MY INCREDIBLE VICTORY.
CG: EVERYBODY ELSE IS BACKING ME HERE RIGHT?

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] got in on this biznasty.

GA: I Suppose That If We Can Fix Everything After Winning
GA: There Is No Reason For Us To Not Give It Our All

gallowsCalibrator [GC] got in on this biznasty.

GC: K444444RK44444T 1M COM1NG FOR YOU. >8)

apocalypseArisen [AA] got in on this biznasty.

AA: if n0thing else it will help pass the time

terminallyCapricious [TC] got in on this biznasty.

TC: yO mAn Im NoT rEaLlY sUrE wHaTs GoInG oN.
TC: BuT iM sUrE iT wIlL aLl WoRk OuT fInE iN tHe MoThErFuCkInG eNd.

caligulasAquarium [CA] got in on this biznasty.

CA: ill make mincemeat out a all of you.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] got in on this biznasty.

CC: Do your best, guys. 38);
CC: We'll sea who's t)(e toug)(est!
CC: Glub.

adiosToreador [AT] got in on this biznasty.

AT: i UH, tHINK THAT IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR MY CONFIDENCE
AT: iF I FOUGHT
AT: sO IM IN, i GUESS?

centaursTesticle [CT] got in on this biznasty.

CT: D --> I
CT: D --> I think I need a towel

arsenicCatnip [AC] got in on this biznasty.

AC: :33 < *ac sharpens her claws and gets ready to rrrrrrumble*
CG: OKAY FINE.
CG: WE COULD HAVE DONE THIS THE EASY WAY.
CG: AND EVERYBODY WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL UP IN EVERYTHING ABOUT HOW EASY IT ALL WAS.
CG: BUT NO, WE HAD TO START BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT WHO GETS THE PRIZE.
CG: WELL FINE.
CG: GET READY THEN ALL OF YOU.
CG: YOUR MUTINY HAS FORCED ME TO CONJURE A FUCKING WHIRLWIND OF HATRED.
CG: THIS IS A CATEGORY FIVE MURDERSTORM OF PURE RAGE.
CG: AND I AM GOING TO UNLEASH IT ON ALL OF YOU.
CG: IN SHORT, SUCK IT AND DIE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling EVERYONE.

So, uh, which match will we be seeing first?

[siguard]

>work from left to right like a real tournament

[Legendary]

Yeah, let's get Toreadoormat out of the way so that the real players have a chance.

Though if he somehow beats Vriska, everyone is screwed.

[AProcrastinatingWriter]

You've got to FLIP IT.

TURNWAYS.

Work right-to-left, like in the animes.

[Rufus]

Just do it left to right.

LET'S RUMBLE THIS SHIT

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Nepeta is going to be the winner.

[ardentApathy]

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There can only be one.

:33

I agree with GK. Right to left.

[KawaiiMelon]

Left to right.

[Crimkx3]

Farthest left then farthest right, then repeat working inwards

[Wessolf27]

Farthest left then farthest right, then repeat working inwards

this

[Wacom Guy]

!!!!

[Obselescence]

After much internal debate, you decide the ideal solution is to alternate left and right...

Which means first up is Tavros vs. Vriska!

Or Vriska vs. Tavros!

It's almost like two fights in one!

Also, you are no Tavros and/or Vriska.

STRIKE BATTLE POSES

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arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]

AG: Tavroooooooos!!!!!!!!
AG: I think it'd 8e 8est for all of us if you g8ve up now.
AG: We wouldn't want 8nybody to die now would we????????
AT: uMMMMM
AT: nO, wE WOULDNT?
AT: bUT, i THINK I HAVE TO.
AT: i THINK THAT IF THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO STAND UP TO YOU.
AT: i THINK I SHOULD TAKE IT.
AT: rUFIO WOULD WANT ME TO
AG: Oh gooooooood.
AG: Don't tell me you're still listening to your f8ke imagin8ry friend?
AT: aND
AT: mAYBE IF I WIN THIS TOURNAMENT.
AT: i CAN FINALLY WISH TO BE CONFIDENT.
AT: oR HAVE MY LEGS BACK.
AT: oR MAKE RUFIO REAL.
AT: sO I HOPE I DONT SOUND TOO PUSHY.
AT: bUT I THINK I WILL TRY TO WIN.
AG: Laaaaaaaast chaaaaaaaance, Tavroooooooos.
AG: I'll even throw in a kiss!!!!!!!!
AG: ::;)
AT: uMMMM
AT: nO.
AT: fOR ONCE IN MY LIFE
AT: i THINK I AM GOING TO SAY NO TO YOU.
AT: iF THATS OKAY.
AG: Ugh, fine.
AG: You 8lew it!!!!!!!!
AG: Some8ody's going to pay for this.

You... really really hope you made the right choice there.








LET'S ROLL.


Now taking fight command suggestions for Tavros/Vriska and PM votes for who wins.

[ardentApathy]

>Vriska: Roll for initiative.
>Tavros: ROCKET JOUST!

[AProcrastinatingWriter]

>Vriska: Manipul8. It's all you know how to do!
> Tavros:Rocket Joust. It's all you know how to do!