Shit. Let's be pokemon trainers. An AU

[mythmonster2]

Alternate-Universe alt-timelines crossovers? Nah, there must be something weirder than that on these forums.

[JordanTH]

you cannot beat Rose Lalonde in a contest-off. She is simply the best there is.

QFT

[A Fan]

I've yet to work it into a fic, but I have a suggestion for the opening line for any in-AU chatlogs people might want to write:

(NAME) wants to prattle with (NAME)!

EDIT: Jots 4 in progress. May take awhile.

[Jasper17]

Anybody think Bro should have a Steelix?

[Crazy-8]

Bro should obviously have a Banette named Lil Cal

[Jasper17]

Bro should obviously have a Banette named Lil Cal

Well yeah duh.
Also I believe Dave probably got his Krookodile from Bro or something.


The Strider's must paint their Pokeballs so they look like records.
It is a family tradition.

bluh bluh huge doodle

[A Fan]

No, the Striders obviously just make their own Irony Balls. The less it seems like you're actually trying to capture a Pokémon with one, the better it will work.

Also, JotS 4: We Apologize For The Delay

Journey of the Scales, Chapter 4

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>WV and/or Doors: Win the maiden's heart with a daring rescue!
You both decide upon the perfect Pokémon and have the appropriate ball in hand in less than a second. Each of you quickly whispers a command into the storage device and brings your arm back to lob the orb and save the egg and, by extension, the damsel.

"Glubtopus, Ice Beam!"

Whoops, never mind. Rescue called on account of surprise Octillery.

>Pidgeys: Abscond
After seeing one member of the flock flash-frozen solid, you waste no time in following in the hasty footsteps of outclassed enemies everywhere.

>Glubtopus's Trainer: Be the obvious candidate
Well, duh. Abyss anyone shells could churn out such an in-crab-ible entrance.

>Feferi: Stop that
Your fish schtick is too near and dear to your collapsing/expanding bladder-based aquatic vascular system to abandon it any time schooner than never. It's an albacore principle.

>Be not Feferi
You are now Glubtopus.
Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub.

>Oh sweet Jegus
Glub.

>Be Terezi?
Sure, why not.
You are briefly as relieved as you are surprised. Then you remember that Feferi recently started work as an unpaid intern in the Alternian Embassy in Pyrotex. You begin to reflect on the unspoken volumes implicit in the largely sylvan Incipi Region's offer of a factory boomtown as the site of the embassy for a far more heavily industrialized nation. And, for that matter, on the similar unwritten codices in Alternia's acceptance.
Then you decide that now might not be the best time for contemplating political intrigue, especially since your friend is about to greet you.

"Hi, Terezi!"
The blind girl smiled and waved. "Hey." As the panic-induced rush of adrenalethality faded, she found herself far more tired than seemed reasonable. "Do you think you could show me how to get to the Pokémon Center?"
"Shore thing! Right this way!"

It's nice having a familiar face show you around town. Certainly better than some random loser who declares himself King of the Tour Guides.

>WV, Doors: React to shocking development
Not much to react to. You were beaten to the punch, simple as that. Nothing to do now but continue pursuit. Which you do.

>Doors: Report to Fin
What a ridiculous idea. You never need to inform the boss. He just knows. If anything, he contacts you, usually with some roundabout warning or cryptic command that ends up saving your cover, your mission, or your hide. Gives you the jibblies, though, so you try not to think about it too much.

>Terezi: Arrive at Pokémon Center
Well, not quite. Feferi gave you instructions and said she'd meet you there. Something about buying envelopes or addressing doughnuts. Something intern-y. In any case, you're working your way there.

>Pokémon Center: Be ten feet in front of Terezi.
Don't be ridiculous! You (i.e. Terezi) could smell that red, red roof from a hundred paces. Ah, there on the breeze, the telltale strawberry-and-Potion aroma.

>Terezi: Follow your nose
Fighting a vague craving for brightly colored grain toruses, you pass through the automatic doors. The smell of cotton candy and antiseptic directly ahead tells you that one of the Pokémon-medic-caste humans is behind the counter.
Understanding local culture became much easier when you realized that humans follow a trichtospectrum-, or hair-color-based caste system. Unfortunately, your unique sensory circumstances have only allowed you to suss out the extreme outliers: Pink for medical care, blue for law enforcement, white for scientific research, and so forth. You assume that hair dye is a tightly controlled substance in this region.

"Hello, and welcome to our Pokémon Center! We can heal your Pokémon to perfect health. Shall we heal your Pokémon?"
"Why else would I be talking to you?" Terezi winced. She thought nurse was probably a trichtosprectrally low position, but that was still ruder than she had intended. "Um, Ma'am."
The nurse didn't seem to mind, unknowingly confirming the young troll's suspicions. "Oh, you'd be surprised. Sometimes someone comes in oddly absent-minded or in a terrible hurry, and they don't even notice when they've gotten their Pokémon back. To be honest, sometimes I think it's an act, and they're really just lonely. A loneliness that persists in spite of their Pokémon, and that they don't even know they have. Or it could be that strange green beverage some of them are—"
The woman's surprising depth of thought was interrupted by a cheery mechanical ding. She handed Karma's Pokéball back to Terezi. "Thank you. We hope to see you again!"

You wonder why they always say that. It's like they want your Pokémon to get hurt. Though, depending on how they're paid, that could actually be the case. You return a cursory gratitude gesture and go find somewhere to wait for Feferi. You also decide to see if this nurse writes poetry at some point.

>Be not Terezi
You are now Pickle Inspectarceus.

>!
You sympathize with the player's surprise and awe, given the sudden and unexpected nature of this development. Well, you were expecting it, but that's omniscience for you.

>PI: Um... destroy Lord English?
You regretfully decline the player's request. You are an ultimately neutral entity, and have neither the power nor the inclination to attack the entity known to said player as Lord English.

>Fondly regard creation?
You were just in the midst of doing so, and will happily resume it once you have completed your business with the player.

>We have business?
Oh, yes. Oh your word, yes. You are disinclined towards profanity, so you do not engage in any confirmatory memes.

>What is it?
At the moment, it is only to say this: When the time comes, the player will know, and you will obey that command that the player will know to issue. Until then, he or she can assume you have a standing "fondly regard creation" that will supercede any other commands, so as to avoid any sepulchritudinesque false alarms.

>OK. Heck of a Chekov's Gun you're loading here.
You have the utmost confidence in the player's discretion and judgment.

>That was very nearly a pun. Do I type "==>" now?
This story is unlikely to make heavy use of four as a defining number, but given the present chapter number, that will certainly work. You thank the player for asking.

>You're welcome. ==>
Excellent.

You are now Wands Vert.

>Notice Doors.
It's rather hard not to. There are so many of them, especially in the hotels and apartment complexes. Fortunately, Pyrotex seems to follow an unwritten blue-and-red color scheme, so very few of them are of a shade distressing to you.

>Notice your Team English counterpart.
You are certain that your crippling oversensitivity to the signature color of the Team English uniform would allow you to pinpoint such a being in a moment. However, your keen senses do not OH COME ON WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR GREEN PANTS!?

>Investigate green-panted man!
Oh, they weren't being worn by anyone. (Thank Arceus) You'd passed by a men's boutique.

>*sign* OK, where's your quarry?
The girl? She's still in the Pokémon Center. Her easily excited friend just rejoined her. You can still see her from your current position, you've just been moving about a bit to lessen any suspicion.

>Be the girl
You are now Feferi Peixes, and you cannot believe your atmospherically adapted lateral line.

>Wait, what?
You know, right? Poor Terezi floundered her way here from Neura with no empty Pokéballs, no Pokédex, not even a shell phone, much less a Pokégear or a Pokétch!

>Things that start with "Poké-" no longer look like words.
You ignore this, as it provides no immediately perceptible way for you to use it to further stoke your righteous indignation. In any case, there is only one thing left to dew.

>Shopping spree?
Yes.

Glub yes?
Hell. Glubbing. YES.
Memetically emboldened, you physically drag your friend out of the Center to properly equip her.

>Terezi: Abscond!
That's clearly impossible in this situation! Your friend's blend of enthusiasm and rage has give her strength that would put most Fighting-type Pokémon to shame, and the tug on your arm is as inexorable as the tugger's hemospectral right to tug as she wills. Tug tuggity tug tug tug. Furthermore, at the rate she's going, the city is bluring into a kaleidoscopic tutti-frutti blur as meaningless as that last bit of repetitive silliness. By the time she comes to a stop, you are more disoriented than you have ever been in your life.

"What just happened?" Terezi managed.
"This is oar first stop," announced Feferi, heedless of the other girl's question and status. "A Pokémart."
Terezi nodded as she gathered her bearings. "Oh yeah. I can smell the roof." It was like a day at the beach, an odd mix of clear sky and saltwater.
"Here, you can buoy medicine and tools in-fish-pensible for Training."
"Feferi, I—"
"Potions, antidotes, Pokéballs, all of your day-to-day utiliseas."
"Feferi—"
"Really, to try and wade through tall grass with no gupplies! You usually sink ahead more than that!"
"But Fe—"
"You newt I was nearbuoy. I shoaled ev-reef-un about how I was sharking my finternship at the embassea. Did you reelly never think of cowrieng me first? I—"
"Permission to speak, Your Imperial Glubness!"
The seatroll looked around frantically. That had clearly attracted more attention than she'd wanted. On impulse, she dragged her friend inside the store. Once inside, she blinked and reviewed what had just happened. "I was nagging again, wasn't I?"
Terezi nodded. "Kanaya would be proud. I'm pretty sure an amphibian pun slipped in at one point."
Judging from the goggled troll's expression, this was akin to stabbing a close friend in the expanding and collapsing bladder-based aquatic vascular system while in a blind rage. The look shifted to one of contrition. "I just wanted you to be safe..."
"I know, and I appreciate it, but you can't stick your friends in a stable with your Kingdras."
Feferi squirmed a bit. "This is getting kind of awkward. Come on, I'll show you my apartment."

[font=courier new][b]Along the way, (as Terezi), you pat yourself on the back for spending time preparing for this possibility. You really do appreciate Feferi's concern, but more than that you appreciate her not worrying like a mother Kangaskhan over your every action.
In any case, the two of you then proceed to have a heartfelt talk about feelings on an impromptu pile of variably clean laundry.

>Terezi, Feferi: Resume shopping spree
Your emotions aired, you resume acquiring the supplies Terezi never got around to getting in her post-shin-kick haste.

>Terezi: Use Pokédex to determine egg's species.
Despite the deliciously full-color screen, it tells you nothing you didn't know. To whit: It's an egg.

>Use Pokédex to determine Karma's gender
Karma is apparently a girl. You suspect there's something ironic about that, but your KIDCOOL is insufficient to recognize what.

>Examine cell phone/Pokégear/Pokétch/whatever you got.
You're not even sure what this digital monstrosity is called, though you can guess the first four letters. All you know is that it straps to your wrist, has a phone, and also several other functions that Feferi seemed excited about and that you plan on figuring out when time presents itself. You decide to just mentally refer to it as your PHONE.

>Examine remaining sweet loot
Five Pokéballs, five Potions, three each of Antidotes and Paralysis Heals, and two cans of Repel, which Feferi insisted on, even though you could smell the stuff through the cans and can see why it would keep wildlife away.

>Crash at Feferi's tonight
You have the best troll slumber party. The player has no idea.

[battlerek]

That was exquisite A Fan.

So much fourth wall breaking, oh so much.

[Masterly]

If this is Pokemon, it's important to know who's Rivals with whom. I mean, rivalry and friendship are pretty much the only relationships that can happen in Pokemon anyway.

[Crazy-8]

John's rival is dave

[Twigwise]

I was told to put this in here, so...

pT: I wanna be the very BEST
pT: like NO ONE EVER WAS

As opposed to placing the kids and trolls in the Pokemon world, I made Troll Ash.

Uh yeah that's all I have. You guys have awesome stuff, though.
*scamper*

[JordanTH]

TT...

MOAR.

[Masterly]

Sorry guys, I'm too busy PLAYING POKEMON to post and keep up with this thread.

[Rio]

==>Rio's BFF: Give Rio a gift

You give Rio Pokemon Black

==>Rio: Be overcome with inspiration as you play

Hell yes.

[Masterly]

If you guys need to contact me just hit up my X-Trans.

[Blox]

WHITE HAS EATEN MY LIFE 8|

And I love it for it B/W Sprite editing a go! >D

[trilbyulatingDungeoneer]

CROSSPOSTING AHOY

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, john's going to have ghost types all the way. Drifblim for the windy thing, then gengar Gengar and Dusknoir at least.

Dave'd have Pigeot, Charizard, Moltres, Ho-oh, Dialga and Rayquaza.

Bec Noir would have Giratina, Hydreigon, Absol, Houndoom, Gyarados and Mewtwo. I mean GOG how is this not obvious by now." XD

And that's-a-me done for now, ahaha

[SirPwnington]

Wow I shouldn't have seen this thread, I'm currently making a team list for EVERYONE. But right now I'll just post one for each kid and guardian.

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Kids Session
John: Mime Jr./Drifloon
Rose: Purrloin
Dave: Krokorok
Jade: Deerling
Dad: Mr. Mime/Drifblim?
Mom: Liepard
Bro: Krookodile
Grandpa: Sawsbuck
Bec: Arceus
Bec Noir: Zoroark?

Troll Session
Karkat: Scyther
Aradia: Whimsicott
Tavros: Tauros
Sollux: Porygon-Z
Nepeta: Meowth
Kanaya: Lilligant
Terezi: Not sure, Druddigon or something?
Vriska: Spinarak
Equius: Gurdurr
Gamzee: Slowbro
Eridan: Marshstomp?
Feferi: Frillish
Crab Dad: Scizor
Ram Wallaby: Ampharos
Tinkerbull: Butterfree/Tauros combo?
Bicyclops: Zweilous
Pounce: Persion
Mother Grub: Vespiquen?
What do we call Terezi's lusus?: Dragonite
Spider Mom: Ariados
Arthour: Miltank
Old Goat: Larpas
Seahorse Dad: Kingdra
G'lbago-whatever: Jellicent

If you aren't familiar with one you can find it HERE if you want.

Edit: Is it just me or are there a lot of legendaries listed in this thread :/

Edit 2: the big man REVISED the list, a lot.

[Masterly]

For some reason I see that as a FAS!Dave, cornering the LOHACSE.

[Domoz]

Hehehe
In the Dreamyard of Black/White there's a trainer named Lass Eri
It's shoddily done but I could not resist.

[Arcana]

Has anyone here discussed Pokemon for the characters that are neither human or troll?

Some ideas, note that I am going to list more than six because trainers have more than six, and these are just options that can be later narrowed down to six for an established team.

Snowman-Zekrom, Giratina, Ninetails, Tentacruel, Venusaur, Bisharp, Zoroark, Nidoqueen, Froslass, Jelliceint, and Gothithelle
(Ninetales is very vengeful, Tentacreul and Venusaur have poison whips/tentacles, Bisharp can be a chess piece, Zororark is a vixen, Froslass is based on a Japanese snow witch youkai, Jellicient come in king and queen pairs, and Gothitielle observes the stars.

Doc Scratch-Reshiram, Electrode, Celebi, Palkia, Uxie, Alakazam, Xatu, Slowking, Banette, Beheeyem, Ditto, Vanillux, Darkrai, Solrock, and Sigilyph.
(Celebi is time traveling but is also white and green, Uxie is said to be omniscient, Alakazam has enourmous brainpower and so does Slowking, Xatu sees the past and future, Vanillux is like vanilla ice cream, Ditto cuz...well dunno, Sigilyph is a mysterious gaurdian, Beheeyem is a mind manipulator, Banette is a freakish haunted demon doll, and Darkrai makes nightmares and Lil' Cal is a nightmare, Solrock is obvious.)

Lord English-Kyurem, Diagla, Celebi, Feraligator, Klinklang, Krookodile, Chandlure, Cofagrigus, and Serperior.
(Klinklang-gears, Krookodile and Feraligator due to IDE theory that he's a crocodile, Chandlure eats souls, and Serperior is a big green snake. Cofagrigus because of the "Cairo Overcoat")

Also if they are a trio, it might be appropriate to have them have matching trio Pokemon, like Snowman-Giratina/Zekrom/Mesprit, Lord English-Diagla/Kyurem/Azelf, Scatch-Palkia/Reshiram/Uxie. Obviously Diagla is time, Palkia is space, and Giratina is that place that makes you insane and is probably a Horrorterror. Reishiram is obviously Yang(white), Zekrom is Yin(black), and Kyurem is ...Wuji, something that is neither Yin nor Yang but is described as anything from unlimitedness, ultimateless, to nothingness.

Also Bec Noir would have hard-hitting super aggressive Pokemon such as Gyarados, Tyranitar, Rhyperior, Hydreigon, and Nidoking. Houndoom and Mightyena are also good fits for the Bec side. Zapdos might also be appropriate.

Spades Slick would obviously have a Stoutland and Honchkrow. Also Pokemon with blades and stabs like Escavilier, Scyther, Bisharp, Fearow, Kabutops, Empoleon, and Gallade. Scrafty may also be a good fit. He could also have a Crawdaunt, Kingler, or Crustle because of Karkat, though Kingler is a crab, Crawdaunt, a crawfish/langosteen seems to fit the Karkat personality better.

Droog would have a few fish with him, like maybe Sharpedo and Seaking. He would also have intelligent and vain Pokemon like Staraptor, Scrafty, Ninetales, Miltoc, Persian, and Ambipom.

Deuce would have cute, but deadly Pokemon and explosive ones like Voltorb. Other ones he might like would be Meowth, Clefairy, Mawile, Victini, Jirachi, and Togekiss.

Boxcars obviously big, powerful Pokemon, most of them the fighting type such as Machamp, Golem, Gurdurr, Primape, and maybe Snorlax.

[Rio]

Boxcars should have a tediura and an ursarang. He seems like the sort to have one.

[A Fan]

Yes. Join us. Embrace the madness...

EDIT: Re: The Felt. This post contains cogitation by two different fellows on the nitty-gritty of the men in green.

Oh, and here, have a cross-timeline fic:

Crab in the Mirror

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Karkat sighed as he eased himself into the chair. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make kids walk the miles of wilderness between the pathetic hovels that qualified as civilization on this back-asswards continent should've been thrown into a pit of straving Munchlaxes. Munchlaces? Whatever. The point is that the nub-horned troll did not like the amount of walking requisite to a Pokémon journey, and a chance to sit in an honest-to-Arceus chair was always greatly appreciated.
"Excuse me..."
Except, of course, when someone insisted on interrupting that appreciation. "What?" Looking up, he saw that it was one of those pink-haired nurses that he was sure some cloning facility somewhere was churning out by the dozen.
"If you're not going to use the computer, I'm going to have to ask you to sit somewhere else."
Computer? Oh, hey, he'd planted himself in front of one of the Pokémon Center's public terminals. "Just enjoying the chance to sit down for once," he responded honestly, too tired to think up an insult worthy of his delivery. He compensated with his other specialty. "I fucking walked here from fucking Lowas, for fuck's sake."
The medical worker seemed displeased by the profanity and walked away. Karkat permitted himself a small grin at the win/win he'd engendered. Then he roused the computer from its sleep. Might as well check his e-mail while his team got healed up.
As soon as he opened the web browser (Heatran, he noted absently,) a PrattleEngine window popped open in front of it. Frowning, the young Trainer closed it. Before he could type in his mail server's address, the window reopened. Suspecting that he might have mistaken an error message for a chat window, Karkat read the contents.

--fondRegarder [FR] wants to prattle!--

Nope, definitely a chat window. The troll closed the window again, but it popped back so fast that he hadn't had time to move his cursor. "The fuck?" Now he noticed that the PrattleEngine window had already been logged in to his little used account. Finding himself intolerably curious, he played along.

--kinglerProctologist [KP] began prattling with fondRegarder [FR]--
KP: WHO IS THIS?
FR: Ah, Good. I was beGInnInG to wonder how many times you would try to close the window.
KP: YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION.
FR: My name Is unImPortant.
KP: YEAH, SURE. NOT INTERESTED.
--kinglerProctologist tried to leave the prattle--
--Can't escape!--
KP: WHAT THE FUCK?
FR: I am sorry, but I must InsIst that you hear me out.
KP: FINE. I'VE CLEARLY GOT NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.
FR: I assure you, when the tIme comes, your choIce wIll be all that matters.
KP: FINE. LET'S SKIP THE PART WHERE IT DOESN'T.
FR: I'm afraId that that wIll not be PossIble.
KP: WHY NOT?
FR: If you were to skIP It, the PoInt when only your decIsIon matters wIll never come.
KP: CAN I AT LEAST GET THE SAM'S NOTES VERSION?
FR: CertaInly.
FR: I wIll send you a lInk to a chatroom. I ask only that you follow that lInk.
KP: AND IF I REFUSE?
FR: You wIll not.
KP: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN "You wIll not"?
FR: If our conversation Proceeds to thIs PoInt after you close the wIndow only twIce, you wIll not.
KP: THEN WHY EVEN BOTHER TALKING TO ME? WHY NOT JUST E-MAIL ME THE LINK?
FR: If I had, would you have examIned It?
KP: FUCK NO. PROBABLY A VIRUS OR A SHOCK SITE
KP: OR THAT ONE THING WHERE THEY SEND YOU A PORYGON THAT ELECTROCUTES YOU.
KP: WHICH IS KIND OF BOTH, I GUESS.
FR: Well then, there Is your answer:
FR: I sPoke wIth you because that way, you would follow the lInk.
KP: WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?
FR: Ah, now that Is a sImPle questIon wIth a comPlIcated answer.
KP: THEN I DON'T CARE.
FR: Oh?
KP: I'M ALREADY UP TO MY BULGE IN ABSOLUTE TAUROSSHIT.
KP: AND I'M GETTING THE FEELING THAT YOURS
KP: WOULD PUT ME SOMEWHERE AROUND SHOULDER LEVEL.
FR: Very Probably, I must admIt.
KP: SO WHAT'S THE LINK?
FR: This.
FR: Goodbye, Mr. Vantas.
FR: And thank you.
--fondRegarder [FR] left the prattle!--

Karkat considered his options. Whoever that was seemed nice enough, but it was a faceless entity he'd only just encountered through the Internet. Still, it displayed some fairly ridiculous technical abilities, and the troll was willing to guess that he'd have pissed off any virtual Pokémon in the machine to the point of physically manifesting and trying to kill him. It would certainly mesh with his experience with their biological counterparts. And yet, the temptation to disprove that infuriatingly confident prediction was strong...
He had hovered his cursor over the hyperlink as he'd hesitated, and so the choice was taken from him. "Hi, Karkat!"
"Gah!" In order, the neophyte Trainer's mind processed that: 1. Someone had snuck up behind him. 2. That someone was Jade Harley. 3. In his surprise, his finger had flexed, involuntarily clicking the link. After working through all of this, Karkat's brain offered his tongue a comprehensive yet succinct conclusion. It was eagerly accepted. "Fuck!"
"Well, good to see you too."
"Damn it, Harley, not now. I think I just got Internet pranked." Admittedly, it was hard to tell. All that had appeared was a progress bar with no obvious means of manual cancellation.
The human girl shrugged. "Fine. I'm only here to challenge the Gym."
"Wait, what?" Karkat reluctantly rose from his seat to better address his nemesis. "I thought you were just a research brat."
"Duuuur, Karkat," drawled Jade, "I need badges and HMs to get almost anywhere, duuuur." Before he realized what she was doing, she had grabbed his horns between thumbs and forefingers and was... trying to turn them? "Are these things even on?"
He frantically extricated himself from the gesture, hands protectively over nubs. "Hey hey hey! Personal space! You don't see me touching your... your..." Sensitive portions of human anatomy were not exactly an area to which he had devoted a great deal of tresearch. "...ears!" he shouted lamely.
"Oh." Amazingly, this pathetic display actually shut her up. "Sorry! I didn't know!"
The contrition seemed genuine, so Karkat straightened and tried to reclaim some modicum of dignity. "Well, as long as you don't do it agai—"
She was looking over his shoulder, the faux pas apparently already out of her mind. "Hey, I think your Internet prank finished loading!"
He turned. Indeed, the progress bar was now replaced by a grinning trollish caricature and... was that Alternian? "Trollian version 5.0", the cranky boy read aloud. "The fuck?"
"I guess it's some kind of weird troll humor," mused Jade, a hint of regret noticeable. She'd kind of been hoping for something cute, given how Karkat usually reacted to adorability. She shrugged. "Well, I need to get going anyway. Bye, Karkat!"
"Yeah, whatever," he mumbled absently, sitting down again. Despite the phonograms of his homeland on the startup image, the interface appeared to be English. Several lines in a very familiar color were already in the chat pane. Curiosity roused, he began his investigation.

CCG: ALRIGHT, YOU SORRY EXCUSES FOR KARKATS.
CCG: THAT'S ELEVEN UP AND ELEVEN DOWN.
CCG: I'VE TAKEN DOWN PSIONS, ROBOTS, BIGOTS, AND COSPLAYERS
CCG: ALL THROUGH THE POWER OF MY OVERWHELMING, ALL-ENCOMPASSING HATE.
CCG: SO, PARADOX SPACE, WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT?
--PAST kinglerProctologist[PKP] 649 HOURS AGO, TIMELINE SPT, responded to memo--
PKP: THE FUCK IS THIS?
CCG: ...WOW. THAT'S IT?
CCG: DID BSLICK GET TIRED OF COMING UP WITH "CG" PHRASES?
PKP: I REITERATE, THE FUCK IS THIS?
CCG: I AM HONESTLY ASTONISHED.
CCG: HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMEONE STUMBLE ONTO THIS SORT OF THING?
PKP: AN INSTANT MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T LET THE WINDOW CLOSE.
CCG: WHATEVER.
CCG: THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL POSE ANY KIND OF CHALLENGE.
PKP: OH?
CCG: I JUST TOOK DOWN AN EMPERESS'S FUCKING DOZEN. I'M ON A FUCKING ROLL.
PKP: SO WHY NOT MAKE IT AN EVEN TWELVE?
CCG: HUH.
CCG: SOME OF THOSE OTHERS WERE ASKING FOR IT
CCG: BUT YOU'RE THE FIRST TO LITERALLY ASK FOR IT.
CCG: WELL, WHO AM I TO TURN YOU DOWN?
CCG: OH YEAH, YOU.
CCG: WELCOME TO THE INTERDIMENSIONAL HOUSE OF GRUBCAKES, BITCH.
CCG: PREPARE TO GET SERVED.
PKP: SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK, YOU'RE AN INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE.
PKP: IS THIS WHAT I SOUND LIKE?
CCG: NO, THIS IS THE SOUND OF YOUR EGO GETTING BEATEN TO A PULP.
PKP: AND YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THIS WITH ELEVEN OTHER PEOPLE?
CCG: YES, IN THE SENSE THAT THEY, LIKE YOU,
CCG: WERE PALE REFLECTIONS OF THE ONE TRUE KARKAT.
CCG: I.E. ME.
PKP: AND YOU'VE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO?
CCG: NOW I GUESS I'M DOWN TO THE CONKSUCK KNOCKOFFS
CCG: THAT CAN'T EVEN GET THE TROLLHANDLE INITIALS RIGHT.
PKP: NOTHING AT ALL?
CCG: OH SURE, YOU THINK I'M WASTING TIME.
CCG: "SURELY HE SHOULD BE A GOD BY NOW. I WILL BE."
CCG: YOU'LL SEE.
CCG: WE ALL SEE...
PKP: SO IN ANOTHER LIFE, I'D HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF EGOMANIACAL AGORAPHOBE.
PKP: GOOD TO KNOW.
CCG: GOG, ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?
CCG: IT'S NO FUN IF THE OTHER SIDE ISN'T EMOTIONALLY INVESTED.
CCG: YOU KNOW THAT.
PKP: THIS IS ALMOST PAINFUL.
CCG: THERE WE GO. (:B<
PKP: AND YET, IT SERVES AS AN IMPORTANT LESSON:
CCG: WAIT, WHAT?
PKP: NO ONE LIKES A GIBBERING NOOKSUCKER.
CCG: OH SHIT. NO, WAIT!
PKP: I REALLY SHOULD THANK YOU.
CCG: OH GOD, I'VE RUINED EVERYTHING. I'M SO SORRY.
PKP: HONESTLY, THIS IS JUST LIKE "WHEREIN ONE UNLIKELY KISMESIS SUFFERS IMPROBABLY SPECIFIC AMNESIA, FORGETTING ONLY HIS BLACK PARTNER AND ALL VITRIOLICALLY INTIMATE MOMENTS SPENT THEREWITH, AND REFUSES TO ACCEPT ALL ATTEMPTS THEREAFTER TO PROVE TO HIM THAT HE WAS IN FACT IN A SEPULCHRAL RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE TOWARDS WHOM HE NOW FEELS WHOLLY INDIFFERENT, EVEN AS THE IMPERIAL DRONES' NEXT VISIT DRAWS NIGH AND THE PROTAGONIST'S CONTRIBUTION IS INCOMPLETE."
CCG: A CLASSIC.
PKP: AND HOW.
CCG: DO YOU HAVE THE HAT?
PKP: PFFT. I WISH.
CCG: DON'T WE ALL.
CCG: BUT THAT ISN'T THE POINT! I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE DOOMED YOU!
PKP: HOW SO?
CCG: THE ONLY WAY THOSE OTHER ASS-SCRATCHERS SURVIVE IS THROUGH OUR LEADERSHIP.
CCG: AND THE ONLY WAY OUR LEADERSHIP WORKS IS THROUGH UNRELENTING STUBBORN HATE.
CCG: IT'S THE ONE THING THEY ALL RESPECT.
PKP: JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, WHICH ASS-SCRATCHERS ARE THESE?
CCG: SOLLUX, TEREZI, EVERYONE WHO'S GOING TO PLAY SGRUB.
CCG: WHO ELSE WOULD I BE TALKING ABOUT?
PKP: THE FUCK IS SGRUB?
CCG: ...THE FUCK IS SGRUB?
PKP: YES. THE FUCK IS SGRUB?
CCG: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE FUCK IS SGRUB?
PKP: I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT PARTICULAR SEQUENCE OF LETTERS.
CCG: o:B
PKP: PLEASE, ENLIGHTEN ME, O "ONE TRUE KARKAT".
CCG: IF YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW BY NOW, YOU WON'T NEED TO.
PKP: WELL, THAT WAS CRYPTIC.
CCG: IVE BEEN TALKING TO MY PAST SELF FOR WEEKS. I'VE HAD PRACTICE.
PKP: THAT'S NICE.
PKP: WILL SMITH AND I ARE GOING TO GO KICK HARLEY'S ASS.
CCG: WHAT!?
CCG: YOU SAVED TROLL WILL SMITH?
CCG: YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH TROLL WILL SMITH?
CCG: YOU'RE TEMPORASPACIALLY RELATIVE TO JADE IN A WAY THAT ALLOWS YOU TO KICK HER ASS?
--PAST kinglerProctologist [PKP] left the memo.--
CCG: WAIT! YOURS IS CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR TIMELINE!
CCG: WHAT DID YOU DO?
CCG: WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?

Author's Notes

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Using a GCAT = PKMN substitution turns cG into kP. I went with it from there. Also, this fic is a quasisequel to one I posted a bit ago on the conventional fanfic thread, wherein Karkat essentailly starts a troll battle royale with his altblood selves. So yeah, this thing is pretty freaking meta.

[pimudragonfeline]

Bwahahahaha! I love it You are clearly in the Superior timeline.~Paraphrase bwahahaha.

[JordanTH]

Ahahaha, that memo had the best ending.