Hahaha! Karkat!Ace-Dick? I LOVE it...oh, this is the best alt-universe/scratch ever!
Writing:
Bulletproof: Vriska is a lot more vulnerable and remorseful than anyone would suspect, she just doesn't let anyone see that. My Best Friends: Nepeta makes a sacrifice, and reflects on her life in her final moments. I Am Not Like You: The moment when you can no longer hide from your own sins is always painful. Vriska learns this when Eriden becomes her mirror.
@ProspitDreamer I am liking this series so far. Early made me depressed even though the time change hasn't happened yet.
@wilySubversionist Since you asked. I liked the fact you used Rose and Eridan as Shadow Archetypes for each other. Also the appearance of Rose the Psychologist.
@battlerek Nice dark and it shows a new perspective on cannon characters.
@Summergale Depressing and thought provoking, but since Rose has a 50% chance of disproving this... I am now thinking of Dr. Who.
@spacetimeCounselor Why? Why! is everything so DARK... Kudos to you it was engaging.
@Tenebrais Why does this simultaneously remind me of A Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy and Batman?
@Stormrunner Yay! dark and sweet. I am in glee mode.
@crash826 Finally something that isn't dark. I cannot wait for the next installment.
@SkaianRedeemer Congrats on getting recommended on the TVTROPES fanfic page I was halfway through this on AO3 so I'll say something pertinent for the next one.
@catastrophicGenesis I like the more things change spin on characterization.
@draconicAlgorithm It is always interesting to see the raised by different guardians Fic. I liked the way Jade shown through, and Bro's internal monologue.
@A fan A very interesting take on the scratch. But ohmygod the shipping confusion! xp
@MyCurrentObsession Congratulations you have activated pimu's ohmygodthisisakwardmakeitstop>runoutoftheroom tech. A most dangerous game indeed.
@Graven_Image It is not yet breakfast I do not want to expound on philosophy.
Thanks, dude. Didn't mean to get pushy there, sorry if I was.
e: @battlerek: I wasn't totally into your AU there cause I'm not a huge MC fan, but that last part really sold me on it. It's really good and a lot of fun.
"'Cause these humans treat humans like humans treat hogs
They get used up, coughed up, and fried in a pan
But I wasn't born to die like a dog,
I was born to die just like a man."
Fanfiction on AO3: Walking Far from Home | Dethstuck
The daylight hours were not friends to the hard-boiled detective. Too many people moved about, and men with dirty secrets usually hid in their cellars. But to a certain kind of investigator this just meant more cases for, and by extension more money, for them. Unfortunately for Ace Dick he wasn't a diurnal species of detective. And even if he was, he wouldn't have taken the case he was doing now, but money was tight these days and he needed to pay the rent.
"That bastard owes me big time for this." Ace Dick, mumbled as he pushed a cart of cleaning utensils through the hallways of the 'Happy Trails' Recycling plant. His employer sent him to retrieve a box that was apparently related to some huge gang war or bullshit like that. Ace Dick didn't care. Just point him at whatever target you want investigated and as long as he wouldn't be arrested for it or if he wouldn't get into a heap of trouble he'd do it, even if he was grumbling about it all the way.
A good day's worth of searching through the place lead him to at the top floor, searching for a room marked '413'. According to one of the other janitors this was the place where plant stored things that were completely alien to most people, and a box that was hard enough to resist treatment unscathed was definitely not of this world.
He reached the door to the room and turned the knob. That was when he realized he forgot to bring the keys to the room. Ace Dick screamed obsceneties at the door, hoping that by the fourty-sixth iteration of the word 'fuck' the door would open of its own accord.
"Lalalalala!"
Or some broad in a pink janitor suit pushing a cart covered in fancy curtains would step out of the elevator, open the door with her keys, go inside, then leave as quick she entered.
"The fuck."
The pink janitor poked Ace Dick with a rather hefty broom. "Hey, Mr. Manuel said he's docking 2 boondollars from your pay for indecent language. You should be more careful Mr. Cussypants!"
Ace Dick knew of only one person in the world who would use a sentence like that, and slapped himself on the face for not seeing this coming. "What the hell are you doing here Clubs Deuce?"
Clubs Deuce looked around, leaned closer to Ace Dick's face and whispered conspiratorially. "It's a secret, but Droog told me I needed to get this magic box. Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Fine, I fucking won't Deuce." Ace Dick grumbled. Irritating as she was, he got a lot of leads for most of his Midnight Crew related cases by playing along with Clubs Deuce's stupid antics.
"Pinky swear?" She held out a hand, fingers clutched in ball save for her pinky.
Ace Dick sighed. "Pinky swear."
"Yay! Well I'm going to back to our hideout now. Bye, Ace Dick! Oh, and have a Squiddle dolly!" She placed one of those stupid plush toys on Ace Dick's car and rode the elevator down to the first floor
"Yeah, whatever." Sucker, he thought as he went inside to get the super important box... that wasn't there because he was pretty fucking sure Clubs Deuce took it from the room while he was swearing incoherently.
"Ah, shit!" Ace Dick ran to the elevator and frantically pressed the 'down' button. He considered calling his current employer for a second before realizing that would make things worse, and settled for something that wouldn't make things worse, like stepping on Deuce's squiddle doll in a fit of irritation.
He was wrong on that one, because the squiddle doll's eyes began to glow red and it began to count down down to zero in a nassaly voice. Ace Dick threw his hat down in disgust and continued to mash the elevator button. The squiddle doll counted to 4 when the elevator finally arrived, then counted to 3 when he mashed the ground floor button, then 2 when the doors finally closed, then exploded just as the elevator went down the third floor.
Since things could not get any worse, Ace Dick decided to call his employer. "Hey, fuckass! They got the fucking box!"
"Just like I thought they would, hehehe." Said the voice on the other side of the line. It was a female voice, and one that was used to giving out orders from afar, but wouldn't hesitate to do things personally if push comes to shove. "Don't worry your cranky little self, Dick. Snouty and a couple of my men will get the box."
"I'm still getting paid, right?"'
"Of course, but this isn't going to look good on your resume, hehehe."
"Whatever." Ace Dick ended the call and ran out to the parking lot, where he saw Clubs Deuce drive out of the plant, followed by 3 black vans that must've belonged to his employer's gang. He wasn't about to be taken out of the picture, not after Deuce tried to blow him up. Again. Soon a beat-up old car trailed after the vans, making traffic violations as it did so.
Snouty, who was your typical mafia middle-management minion, ordered 2 of the vans to box Deuce in. Considering they were going faster than Deuce was, who for some reason was following speeding laws despite being in a chase, this was done easily. At the next intersection another van would go in and move to the front, and once that was done he would have his van box her in from behind . It would've worked perfectly, but Snouty failed to factor in a motorcycle speeding out of an alley and the tire-slashing that followed.
The van to the left crashed into a fire hydrant, spilling water all over the place. The thugs inside scrambled to get out, but Deuce tossed the motorcyclist a squiddle, who then tossed the squiddle into the crashed van.
"Soooo pretty." Deuce said as she watched the explosion from her rear-view mirror.
One of the thugs in the right van lowered the window, pulled out a gun and aimed at the motorcyclist, only to change his mind about shooting the guy. You generally needed an arm to do that. The one on the wheel tried to ram his van on the motorcycle. The motorcyclist responded by stabbing through the van door and skewered the driver.
As the right van lost control and crashed into an office building, Snouty decided to call in reinforcements. The van supposed to block Deuce's car by the front drove into an intersection and the men inside aimed their guns at Deuce and fired. As much as possible the boss didn't want the box to be damaged, but at this rate the crew was going to get away with it.
Clubs Deuce tossed another squiddle at the motorcyclist. Revving his cycle up to full speed the motorcyclist dashed towards the intersection and threw the doll at the gunmen. One of the thugs lost his cool and fired at the squiddle, detonating it and causing another explosion. It left the gunmen in a daze, so they were unable to stop the motorcyclist from coming in from the side and gutting them all.
"Ah, fuck." Snouty's was the last van left. He wasn't sure if they could still take Deuce, but he was more afraid of his boss more than he was of the sword-wielding motorcyclist. He took out his gun and was about to fire, but his driver forgot that all-important rule of watching the road, and failed to see the squiddle Clubs Deuce dropped on the ground, just in front of the van.
"Heehee! Another one!" Clubs Deuce squealed when she saw the last van explode.
"Police are still unsure why the chase occured, but it is widely believed that this was connected to the escalation of the gang wars plaguing our fair-" Diamonds Droog shut off the television and pinched her nose. She specifically told those two not to draw too much attention, and what do they do? Cause the worse car chase in the city's history in 20 years.
"But we got shit done, Droog." Hearts Boxcars reasoned while he picked up a bottle of whiskey on the table and filled his glass. "And besides, if Deuce here actually went above 20 kilometers an hour the whole chase wouldn't have happened in the first place. If anyone's to blame it's Deuce and her slow-ass driving."
"But I wasn't the meanie who left his partner to go get his motorcycle a new paintjob." Clubs Deuce shifted a pillow on the couch to a more comfortable angle. "Oh, and I saw Ace Dick in the plant today! He looked so silly in his gray jumpsuit!"
"Cadelscratch's way more important than your sorry ass Deuce." Boxcars grinned before taking a sip of his whiskey.
"Well why don't you just marry your motorcycle!" Deuce stuck her tongue out.
Boxcars smirked. "Fine then, be that way. You just lost your spot as flower girl."
"But I already picked out my dress..." Deuce frowned.
"Haha, Ace Dick's in on this too! Sounds great!" Slick walked into the room, wearing a black apron with a spade symbol and carrying a bowl of popcorn. "It's been what, four months since I played whack-a-mole with his fingers?"
Diamonds Droog smiled. Normally she thought it was unbecoming of a dangerous and powerful mafia gang to be acting like this, but they got one of the boxes before the other gangs did, even if they still had no idea what the box was supposed to do that could upset the status quo so badly. But they had plenty of time to figure it out, and besides it was movie night, and it was Droog's turn to pick out a movie. "The Entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, director's cut." She said, earning a groan from Boxcars, an 'oh nooo' from Deuce and a snicker from Slick.
A/N
Woot, another chapter done. I originally wanted to use a muscle car for Hearts Boxcar's vehicle but a motorcycle seemed more appropriate. Next chapter I'll probably do something Rose!Droog-centric
This thing does not stop being extremely entertaining. I love how everyone else's personalities have sort of blended with their new character except for Karkat. He's just himself. He could never be anyone else.
Also the idea of him driving, and being dangerously reckless at it, made me laugh so hard.
@tenebrais- That was pretty cute and definitely positive. And why is it that scratch fics seem to be best told from Rose's point of view?
Last edited by ProspitDreamer; 03-12-2011 at 04:28 PM.
Just posting a reaction vignette to recent updates. To be honest, I'm surprised no one else has yet.
Probably not the best time for sadfic, but sadfic waits for no man! Or uh, woman, in this case.
Yes
The crystal ball dropped from her hand, falling to the ground with a quiet clink and rolling a short distance before finally coming to a stop. Slowly, the image within it faded, but it didn't matter now. She'd already seen it.
It had already happened.
Rose didn't realize at first that there were tears running down her face. She was too shocked, too numb. This didn't happen, it couldn't have happened, there's no way—
Pesterchum kept blinking at her, but she ignored it. She could hardly form her own coherent thoughts, let alone try to bring them together to Jade. She shut the hubtop, spots of wet marring its clean surface as she did.
All that blood. Oh god, it was everywhere. Everywhere. All over her, and all over him, and all over Jack. No one could have survived that. Losing that much blood. She was dead. Had to be.
Her mother was dead.
The tears came freely now. She pushed away the hubtop, tucked her knees close to her chest, and buried her face in the black fabric of her dress. Sobs wracked her small frame, and though the consorts looked on, giving each other looks of puzzlement, she didn't care. For once in her life, she didn't care how she looked. For once in her life, she really felt like the thirteen-year-old girl she actually was.
A thirteen-year-old girl that had just lost her mother, suddenly, unexpectedly, and brutally.
Objectively, she thought, so this is what it feels like to have your heart broken? She couldn't mistake it for anything else. Perhaps it was made even more acute by the fact that she had been feeling so little lately. Nothing but purpose and a thirst for knowledge had driven her actions, almost since she had entered the game. She'd been so apathetic. Simply doing what she thought she had to do. Now, though, that shield of apathy around her heart was shattered into a million infinitesimal pieces, and each one pierced her, cut through flesh and left bloody trails behind.
She didn't hate her mother. Not really. The passive-aggressive drivel had been nothing more than that. Perhaps the analytical therapist in her had always realized that it had just been her way of rebelling, of branching out and finding herself. She had overanalyzed everything her mother had done, found fault in it all. The woman may not have been the perfect mother, but there were worse.
And she had loved her. Through all the idiocy, Rose had never doubted that her mother loved her, even as she continued to do the things that irked her, even as Rose herself instigated the passive-aggressive duels. It was the one thing of which she had been absolutely sure.
Rose gripped her dress with white-knuckled fists. And what was the last thing she'd said to her mother? She couldn't even remember. The last time she'd seen her was that strife in the foyer. It seemed like so long ago, an eternity, and yet less than a day.
And now? Now she'd never see her again. Never get the chance to try to put into words her feelings, beyond the passive aggression and anger. She'd run out of time.
Her hubtop was pinging more erratically now, but she didn't care. She wasn't ready to talk to Jade yet, and Doc Scratch could just—
Scratch. Cue ball head. Cue ball.
She lifted her head, eyes puffy and red, and looked beside her. Sitting next to her was still the magic cue ball. It had answered one question already. Could it answer another?
With trembling hands, she picked it up. She still didn't quite understand what had happened and how her power had worked, but it was worth a try. She began to speak, but it came out as a croak. She cleared her throat and tried again.
"Did she know I loved her?" Rose said aloud, her voice still shaky. Something flashed, and the sun reappeared on the face of the ball, revealing the inky blackness within. A tiny triangle with white text floated to the surface, where she could see it. On it was a single word.
YES
Slowly, she smiled. Tears still streamed down her face, but she smiled. It was a small thing, that bit of knowledge, but it was enough. She had known. And Rose knew, too.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TT: Sorry Jade.
GG: rose! oh god, are you okay? i'm so sorry, i just assumed you knew! D:
GG: i mean, you've got the crystal ball, and i just thought...
GG: oh rose, i'm so sorry!
TT: It's alright Jade. I appreciate you making me aware of the situation. But no, I am not okay.
TT: Not right now.
TT: But, I think I will be. Eventually.
Really hoping that Hussie actually makes this a touching moment and doesn't try to pass it off as a joke or, worse yet, have Rose become totally indifferent about it. I really want to see Rose become human again. She used to be one of my favorite characters. :[ Fanfics have brought her back up in my opinion, but canon, not so much.
Also, this was inspired by this picture on deviantArt. It's simple, but I thought it was really touching.
An occasional fanfic writer and general lurker. -- Chromatica: An Ib-inspired text adventure featuring Homestuck characters
THAT IS NOT SPADES
THERE IS NO CONSENT
THAT IS LIKE SPADES RAPE
TROLLS WOULD BE DISGUSTED
Originally Posted by invalidgriffin
Where do you keep the chips, dB. Can you turn up the air conditioner? Man why is your internet so slow, it is taking forever to download all these seasons of Digimon. YES Digimon is important to the lesbians process will you stop nagging.
Originally Posted by olivia
Originally Posted by Doodled
Eridan: Hunt for fearsome beast
Very fearsome indeed.
got that bitch a wweb-cartoonist. bitches lovve wweb-cartoonists.
Fanfics
Chapter Fics
Thicker Than Blood 01234: It seemed like a pretty straightforward moraillegience. He provided her with food, she protected him from the other rainbow drinkers. Maybe if her old matesprit hadn't gotten involved, it would have stayed that way.
Wizardstuck 12345678910111213141516: The new Hogwarts students just keep getting weirder every year.
Zombiestuck KKEG (1): They thought that the Earth would be empty, ready for them to rebuild and reshape it as they saw fit. They weren't expecting that the meteors wouldn't hit everywhere, or that they might have some nasty side effects. They weren't expecting the Infected.
Don't Press Buttons (1): As usual, John does something stupid. Only this time, the result is that he becomes a troll, and Karkat becomes a human. Shenanigans ensue.
One-Shots
Blood and Noir: I'd fallen for that trap once. I wasn't going to do it again. The Road Ill Traveled: A poem about Karkat and Terezi written in the style of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Traveled". Pixie Trails: Sometimes luck doesn't even factor in. Unovastuck-Karkat vs Throh and Sawk: Apparently, a Sawk is faster than a Throh. Faster than a Braviary too. Karkat finds out the hard way. Kore Wa Troll Desu Ka?: Includes crossdressing and magical girl transformations. Karkat was not pleased. The Lawyer and the Goddess: Vriska and Terezi are having a very important chat when they get interrupted by a certain juggalo. Prompt Dunp: A group of several short fics I wrote based on prompts, including Tavros and Bro sharing tea, Slick talking with Jade about (briefly) hobbits, and Dave finding a birthday gift for Rose. Tears: Getting stabbed in the chest once sucks. Getting stabbed in the chest twice really sucks. Prey: Nepeta is a clever kitty. Yes: In a moment of weakness, Rose consults her magical cue ball. My Little Sis: An alt!kids fic about Bro raising blue!Jade. Based off of MSB's AU roleplay. Funhouse: John really, REALLY doesn't like clowns. Or music by Pink. Ice Cubes: Bro talks to Nanna before his fated battle with Jack. INDIGO and CaNdY rEd: An altblood pesterlog, featuring mutant Gamzee and indigo Karkat. Kantostuck: John wants to be the very best. Like no one ever was. Disease Called Friendship: Karkat has had a bad time with friends. The Demon: Death sometimes comes in the form you'd least expect. Hope: Even the Prince of Hope doesn't understand it. Hoststuck: Yeah, I don't really know either. Coulrophobia: HONK HONK MOTHERFUCKER Do: Killer: He stalks in the darkness, waiting. Waiting. Awaken: It's hard, being a rainbowdrinker. It's hard and no one understands. Kitten: Hearts Boxcars adopts an adorable kitten. Misery Loves Company: Terezi gives the bad news, and finds out some bad news of her own. Tend the Living: Gogdammit Hussie I hate you. Doll: It's actually a very good thing that Vriska allowed Bec to be prototyped. Don't Die On Me: Terezi discovers a new reason to hate Vriska. BL1ND Buddiie2: Sollux consults Terezi on the best method of seeing without sight. Cold: Dave decides to take a little time out to go see Jade.
Problem Sleuth starts walking through the corridor, taking in the view. The sun is still high in the sky. More than enough time to get Dick and Inspector on board to go get this hunk of jewelry. It’ll be the first time since Mobster Kingpin that the three of them get to work together. Sleuth almost looks forward to it.
Sleuth turns the corner to the elevator and two security guards are waiting for him. “Sir, if you’ll please come with us, we’re here to escort you out of the building.” One says.
Sleuth pops a cigarette into his mouth. “I didn’t need an escort yesterday.”
“Yesterday you didn’t punch out an elevator operator, ya moron.” The other says while jamming the call button. “Did you think you could just walk out of this building after committing assault?”
“Yeah.” Sleuth smirks. “Why wouldn’t I?”
The guards roll their eyes and turn away from Sleuth, waiting for the elevator to arrive. The doors slide open, revealing Sleuth’s old friend. He tries to close the door but the security guards slide their hands between the doors. “Relax, he’s leaving.” One of the guards assures the operator.
The doors begrudgingly slide open and Sleuth steps into the elevator, a guard flanking him at either side. Sleuth looks at the operator. He scowls at Sleuth.
“Who pissed in your coffee?” Sleuth asks. The guards shake their heads and groan. The elevator operator grits his teeth. The rest of the ride is spent in tense silence that Sleuth can only smile at.
The doors slide open at the ground floor. Sleuth steps out before the guards can motion for him to go, and they walk a few long strides to catch up to him. He walks past the receptionist’s desk. The receptionist cups her head in her hands and watches Sleuth walk through the atrium. He gives her a smirk from over his shoulder. He turns towards the exit.
“Alright, Problem Sleuth, that’s far enough.”
Sleuth stops dead in his tracks. “Hello, Anarchy Repressor.” Sleuth coolly greets. “You sure brought out the welcome wagon.”
“More like the paddy wagon.”
Sleuth grins at the remark. “What’s this about?”
Anarchy Repressor stands just inside the entrance to Keynote Bank. He’s flanked by two of his detectives and four cops in uniform. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “You’re under arrest, Sleuth.” He says. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
Sleuth looks to the two security guards flanking him. They aren’t surprised. Sleuth figures they called the cops on him. He reaches into his coat. The hands of the cops and detectives all reach for their holsters.
“Easy.” Repressor says to his men, holding out a hand to stop them. “We’re not doing that yet.”
Sleuth pulls a lighter out and lights his cigarette. “Under arrest for what?”
“Murder. Assault. Trespassing.” Repressor says. “Being a pain in the ass.”
“Are those in order of seriousness?” Sleuth smirks.
Anarchy Repressor shakes his head lightly. “This isn’t a time for jokes, Sleuth.” He says. “Are you coming willingly or are you going to make this difficult?”
Sleuth stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I’m not going with you anywhere.”
“That’s called resisting arrest.” Repressor says. “Don’t make me shoot you.”
Sleuth gives an amused smile. “Repressor, you’re a terrible shot. You trying to shoot me scares me about as much as Spades Slick threatening to cut me up.”
Repressor huffs. He pulls a pair of handcuffs from his pants pocket and spins it around his finger. He catches the billy club with his hand and stops its spinning. “I’m losing patience, Sleuth.”
Anarchy Repressor is much better with handcuffs than he is with a gun. Sleuth’s seen him arrest thugs with them before. He usually throws the billy club at them and knocks them out and cuffs them to a pipe at the same time. Still no reason to back down. “That’s too bad.”
Repressor sighs and starts rolling up his sleeves. “Get him.”
The cops start forming a wide circle around Problem Sleuth. “Look, just go check in with the station. I’ve got this feeling that I’m not your guy and you’re gonna find that out pretty soon.”
The cops finish their wide circle, surrounding Sleuth on all sides. “What makes you think that?” Repressor asks.
Problem Sleuth stares straight up for a few seconds. He looks back at Anarchy Repressor. “No reason.” He says with a smirk. “I’m just feeling lucky.”
Repressor gets the message. He glares at Sleuth, wondering if Sleuth is bluffing. “If he moves shoot him.” Repressor says as he turns around and walks out the door to his car.
Sleuth is left with six cops with itchy trigger fingers surrounding him, all with eyes staring down the barrel of their guns. Sleuth knows at least one of them is dirty, and without Anarchy Repressor to keep them in line, well, accidents happen. Cops are people too and they make mistakes just like everybody else, especially if those mistakes are convenient.
“What are you doing here?” One of the detectives asks. Must be the dirty one.
“Opening a bank account.” Sleuth says. “What else would I be doing here?”
“Are you serious?” The detective asks, waving his gun in front of Sleuth. “What are you really doing here?”
“None of your damn business.” Sleuth looks at the detective's shoes. “Fancy footwear. A little outside a detective's salary, isn’t it?”
The detective hesitates. “I asked you a question, smartass.”
Sleuth takes a few steps towards the detective, standing inches away from the gun. He looks the detective straight in the eye. “And what are you going to do if I don’t answer? Shoot me?” Sleuth snaps. “Killing a man during an arrest is going to get you kicked off the force.”
The detective blinks several times but holds steady. Usually when Sleuth does this they start getting nervous and doing nervous things, like sweating, adjusting the grip on their gun. Sleuth is impressed.
Sleuth leans in closer. “And tell me,” He whispers to the detective. “What good are you to the Midnight Crew if that happens?” Sleuth starts giving a sinister grin. The detective’s eyes widen by a fraction.
“Alright, that’s enough.” Anarchy Repressor says walking back into the atrium. He’s rolling down his sleeves. “What do you know? Problem Sleuth is actually right. We’ve suddenly got enough time to work the case.” Repressor says. “By the book.” He emphasizes.
The cops lower their weapons. The detective takes a step back from Sleuth. “But he’s right here!” He protests. “Why don’t we just take him down to the station and ask him some questions?”
Anarchy Repressor walks to the detective. Sleuth offers him a cigarette. Mildly surprised by the offering, Repressor takes it and sticks it in his mouth. “If you were any good at your job you’d know Sleuth didn’t kill that courier.” He half shouts at the detective. “Just like I’ve been telling you the whole damn time.” Repressor finishes.
“Captain,” The detective says.
“Am I going to have to start shouting?” Repressor says in a raised voice. “Get out of here. We’re leaving.” The detective gives Repressor a glare. Repressor glares right back. The detective filters out of the building with the rest of the cops. Repressor turns to Sleuth. “Do I want to know how you pulled that off?” He asks.
Sleuth shakes his head. “No. No you don’t.”
That satisfies Repressor. “You got any leads?” He asks.
“A big one.” Sleuth says with a smile. “I’ll have your man in no time.”
Repressor thinks for a moment. “This murder. It’s part of something pretty damn serious.” He doesn’t ask so much as states. “I don’t want to know anything about it, do I?”
Sleuth nods. “You’re a smart guy, Repressor. You know when to not ask questions.”
“If that makes me smart you’re a damned idiot.” Repressor says. “Don’t get yourself killed getting too deep into some mystery, Sleuth. If you’re dead who am I going to lean on to solve all my cases? I might have to start doing my job for once.”
“What a crying shame.” Sleuth says. “It’s good to know our anarchy repressors are hard at work ensuring the city is safe by tracking down problem sleuths and leaning on them for favors. And never paying them back.”
“Still sore about the favors, huh. Get over it, Sleuth. It saves the taxpayer money.” Repressor pulls the cigarette out of his mouth and looks it over for a moment before putting it in his coat pocket. “Be careful out there, Sleuth.” He says as he walks out the door. Sleuth watches Anarchy Repressor get in a cop car and drive away.
Problem Sleuth walks outside and hails a cab. It’s the middle of the day in the middle of downtown and only a few seconds later a cab pulls up to Problem Sleuth. Sleuth opens the rear door and steps inside. “Where to?” The cab driver asks.
Sleuth gives him the address to his office. The cab starts rolling and Sleuth starts thinking about how he’s going to get the Sapphire of Alternia. Just driving out to the warehouse, the three of them, Problem Sleuth, Pickle Inspector, and Ace Dick, is out of the question. If Lawyer’s worried about his men being watched Sleuth is going to have to deal with that. And what if the Midnight Crew and the Felt get involved somehow? That’s going to require some serious ingenuity. At least they’ll be in the warehouse district. That place is a maze, but it works both ways.
And what is Sleuth going to do in the meantime? He can’t go to his apartment and take a nap or anything like that, as much as he’d like to. He has to stay mobile. The Felt and the Midnight Crew might not want to talk to him right now, but that can change at any minute. Better to not get caught off guard.
The cab pulls up to Problem Sleuth’s office building. He pays the driver and steps out of the car. He goes up the stairs and reaches for the handle to the door of his office.
==>
There’s somebody in your office.
Seems like they’re talking to somebody. Better be prepared for anything.
Problem Sleuth: Be the person in your office.
You are now Problem Sleuth.
You are one of the top problem sleuths in the city. Solicitations for your personal affection are numerous in quantity. Satisfaction in your love life, adequate. It is an average autumn afternoon. You are feeling particularly lovesick today.
What will you do?
Problem Sleuth?: Answer phone.
You pick up the phone even though it isn’t ringing. It’s Persevering Maillady. She says she’s got some kind of problem and needs your help right now. You ask what it is. She says she needs you to come help her with something at her apartment right now. It’s urgent, apparently.
You tell her you don’t have time for her games and slam the phone down and feel simultaneously smug and awful about pretending to be that oblivious jerk and that you can’t even come up with a fantasy where he doesn’t turn you down. Respectively.
You sigh.
==>
Oh no!
Problem Sleuth just burst into his office and his key is pointed right at you and oh no this is so embarrassing.
Persevering Maillady is sitting in front of Problem Sleuth’s desk wearing Problem Sleuth’s back up hat. She’s looking particularly hardboiled, but really, anyone would with that hat. Problem Sleuth puts his key back into his coat pocket. “What are you doing?”
Maillady stammers for a few seconds while staring wide eyed at Sleuth. Sleuth watches her face turn from shock to determination. It’s an odd transformation for Persevering Maillady. “You better have a good reason for barging into my office because I already got a million cases and you better believe I’m not looking to take on another unless it pays handsomely so if you want me to check out who’s skimming off the top of your fruit stand you can do yourself a favor and get the hell out of my office.” Maillady says, doing her best Problem Sleuth impersonation. Her finger is dramatically pointed at the door.
Sleuth looks at her. “Get out of my chair and give me my hat back.”
Maillady sheepishly stands up and hands Sleuth his hat.
==>
Thank goodness. Your candy corn is safe.
Since your current hat is bloodstained you swap it with your back up, making sure to stash your candy corn safely.
Problem Sleuth sits down in his chair. He tosses his bloodstained hat at his filing cabinet, and it catches on the corner. Maillady grabs her elbow. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you.”
“You weren’t expecting me?” Sleuth raises a brow. “I wasn’t expecting you. Much less the way you were.”
Maillady’s eyes search the room for an appropriate answer. “I guess we weren’t expecting each other.” She reluctantly laughs.
“Do you do this often?”
“Well, no, but I had your hat, and I had nothing to do after I dropped off your mail.”
Sleuth scratches his head. “How did you get my hat?” Sleuth asks. “Nevermind. Where’s my mail?” He changes his mind.
Maillady reaches for her messenger bag and pulls out a few envelopes. “There’s nothing interesting.”
Problem Sleuth takes the envelopes from Maillady and looks them over.
“Where were you this morning? I missed you.” Maillady says. “I mean, I didn’t catch you here.” She hastily adds.
And this is the second conversation Sleuth isn’t looking forward to having. “I was busy and couldn’t make it in.”
“Busy with what?”
“I got distracted and couldn’t stop by the office.”
Maillady stares daggers at Sleuth. “Didya get distracted by her pretty white eyes or her shiny black legs or how fast she is?”
Sleuth looks at Maillady. “I nearly got arrested by badge wearing goons. And there were cops waiting for me here.”
“Oh.”
“I think you’re being unfair to Transportation Deferrer. She’s a friend of mine, you know.” Sleuth says. “Friend.” He mouths slowly.
“So,”
“You’re out of line.”
“Right.”
A moment passes. “She apologized. For arguing with you last night.”
A fire lights up in Persevering Maillady’s eyes. “There’s no way I’m going to let her be the better woman! I’m going to apologize ten times better than she did!” She puts her fists on her hips.
Problem Sleuth opens his mouth to speak up, but realizes telling Maillady that that’s missing the point of an apology is pointless.
“Problem Sleuth!” She yells. “I acted like I was freshly cloned yesterday evening when I should have been acting my age by being mature in the face of your cab driver’s unladylike accusations and insults!”
Problem Sleuth puts his hand to his forehead.
“So I hope you’ll forgive me for what I did last night and for being terribly jealous just now as well and if there’s anything I can do to make up for it and I really do mean anything I will happily do it!” Persevering Maillady finishes, look of pride on her face, as if she were the most noble soul on the whole planet.
Problem Sleuth rubs his mouth and looks at Persevering Maillady. “Do you mean it?”
Maillady gasps. “How could you question my sincerity?” She asks.
“Because you did it to one up somebody else.”
Maillady huffs indignantly and folds her arms. “Maybe if somebody had shown up at their office this morning they would’ve gotten a heartfelt apology then and wouldn’t be lecturing somebody about giving him an apology after somebody else did now.” Maillady glares. “You’re being kind of a jerk about this.”
Sleuth points to himself and raises a brow.
Maillady nods.
Problem Sleuth shrugs. That’s obviously the best he’s going to get from Persevering Maillady about it. Sleuth thinks she means well, at the very least. “Just forget it ever happened.”
“So you forgive me?”
Sleuth nods.
“Did I outapologize your hussy cab driver?”
Sleuth rolls his eyes. “Yes, you did.” Sleuth humors her.
Maillady smiles happily.
“You seen Pickle Inspector around?” Sleuth changes the subject.
“Oh, him? I tried saying hi to him a little while ago but he was off in his own world.” Maillady says.
Sleuth stands up out of his chair. “Thanks, Maillady.”
“What do you need him for?” Maillady asks as she grabs her bag.
Sleuth looks out the window. “I need to do some work with him.” Sleuth scans the surroundings. “Dammit.” He curses.
“What’s wrong?”
Sleuth looks to the top of the building across street from his office. A jittery yellow hat is being repeatedly pushed down by a blue top hat. “Nothing. Just the Felt watching me for some reason.” Snowman must really not be giving up on the idea that Sleuth knows something. She’s right, not that she has any reason to be.
“Oh no!” Maillady’s hand covers her mouth. “What do they want with you now?”
“Beats me. If they think I know something and they see you and me talking, they might think you know something. And then the Felt might want to talk to you. And the Felt don’t talk nicely.” Sleuth says. “We need to get you out of here somehow.”
Sleuth walks past Maillady and opens the door to the hallway outside his office. He takes a left and throws open Pickle Inspector’s office door. He looks around.
==>
What is this moron doing? You thought you told him to never go back in there.
Time to snap him out of it.
Problem Sleuth: Snap Pickle Inspector out of it.
Sleuth walks up to the makeshift fort that Pickle Inspector is hiding in, no doubt prancing around some crazy imagination land. He kicks it over. Pickle Inspector falls out of the debris and blinks at Problem Sleuth several times. He then ogles to Sleuth’s left. Maillady is standing behind Sleuth.
“Come on, Inspector. We’ve got work to do.” Sleuth offers Inspector a hand.
The tall detective grabs Sleuth’s hand and he stands up. “What is the meaning of this, Problem Sleuth? I was in the middle of a quite fascinating day dream.”
“The Felt are watching my office.” Sleuth points at Maillady with his thumb. “We need to get her out of here.”
Inspector grabs his hat from the floor and holds it at his waist. He turns to Maillady. “Worry not, Persevering Maillady. We will do our best to ensure that you avoid any unpleasant interaction with the Felt.” He places the hat on his head.
“Oh, thank you.” Maillady says, not sure what to say.
Sleuth turns to Maillady. “Wait ten minutes in Dick’s office and then take the fire escape out.” He says. “We’ll make sure the Felt don’t follow you.”
“How are you gonna do that?” She asks.
Inspector opens the window to his office. He leans out. “Ho, up there! Itchy! Doze!”
“By acting like we know something.” Sleuth says. He doesn’t even blink as Inspector fires several loud shots out of his sextant at the two green thugs.
Maillady squeals in surprise. “Go.” Sleuth orders. Maillady rushes out of Inspector’s office. Moments later Sleuth hears the door to Dick’s office close shut.
Sleuth walks to the window. “Think that’ll be enough?” He asks. “I could go spray ‘em a little bit while you got ‘em pinned down.”
“I believe so long as we pretend to make a hasty and purposeful egress they will be convinced to pursue us and not Persevering Maillady.” Inspector says, pulling himself in from the window.
“Then let’s go.” Problem Sleuth pulls out his key ring.
Pickle Inspector and Problem Sleuth rush out of Inspector’s office and down the stairs to the street. They run to Inspector’s car. Sleuth jumps over the hood and gets in the passenger seat. Inspector enters the driver seat and starts the car. As the car starts rolling Sleuth looks at Itchy and Doze up on the roof. They’re pointing at him and yapping into a walkie talkie. He fires a few rounds from his key ring at the pair for good measure.
The car puts distance between them and the Felt. Sleuth faces forward in the seat. “I’m glad I caught you, Inspector.” Sleuth says. “I need to talk to you. I’m gonna need your help.”
“Did we successfully convince them to follow us?”
“Looks that way.”
“Very well.” Pickle Inspector says. “You know I am always willing to assist you, Problem Sleuth. What do you require me to do?”
“Inspector,” Sleuth starts. “I know where the Sapphire of Alternia is.” He says with an excited grin.
Inspector takes his eyes off the road and ogles Sleuth for several seconds. Sleuth points back to the road.
“If Anarchy Repressor’s dirty man is as dirty as Diamonds Droog isn’t, the Midnight Crew are gonna be all over us tonight. And the Felt are going to be crawling over us all the same.” Sleuth says. “We’re going to need Dick. And we’re going to need a plan.”
“How will we retrieve the Sapphire of Alternia? Will we have to force an entry and take it from armed guards?”
Sleuth raises a brow. “Huh? No. That’ll be the simple part. We’re just going to pick it up at a warehouse.”
Inspector works through the scenarios quickly before he settles on one. “Sleuth, did you make an agreement to transport the Sapphire of Alternia to the person who stole it?”
“Yeah.” Sleuth says. “We’re taking it to Wallstreet Keynoter.”
“Problem Sleuth!” Inspector suddenly shouts. “You made a promise to Wealthy Quantifier to return it to her and her alone!”
Problem Sleuth’s heart sinks as he remembers. “Damn.” He says. “You’re right.”
I said this part would be inconsequential fluff and I deliver. Hopefully it's entertaining to make up for the fact that absolutely nothing happens. The next few parts should be much more interesting.
So while I was writing this I figured out the secret to hardboiledness. Just stick a cigarette in someone's mouth. The lines come naturally afterward.
Last edited by Jim Groovester; 05-10-2011 at 11:38 PM.
Reason: +Minor Retcon
Just posting a reaction vignette to recent updates. To be honest, I'm surprised no one else has yet.
Probably not the best time for sadfic, but sadfic waits for no man! Or uh, woman, in this case.
Yes
There's a fanfiction in here somewhere
Really hoping that Hussie actually makes this a touching moment and doesn't try to pass it off as a joke or, worse yet, have Rose become totally indifferent about it. I really want to see Rose become human again. She used to be one of my favorite characters. :[ Fanfics have brought her back up in my opinion, but canon, not so much.
Also, this was inspired by this picture on deviantArt. It's simple, but I thought it was really touching.
Problem Sleuth starts walking through the corridor, taking in the view. The sun is still high in the sky. More than enough time to get Dick and Inspector on board to go get this hunk of jewelry. It’ll be the first time since Mobster Kingpin that the three of them get to work together. Sleuth almost looks forward to it.
Sleuth turns the corner to the elevator and two security guards are waiting for him. “Sir, if you’ll please come with us, we’re here to escort you out of the building.” One says.
Sleuth pops a cigarette into his mouth. “I didn’t need an escort yesterday.”
“Yesterday you didn’t punch out an elevator operator, ya moron.” The other says while jamming the call button. “Did you think you could just walk out of this building after committing assault?”
“Yeah.” Sleuth smirks. “Why wouldn’t I?”
The guards roll their eyes and turn away from Sleuth, waiting for the elevator to arrive. The doors slide open, revealing Sleuth’s old friend. He tries to close the door but the security guards slide their hands between the doors. “Relax, he’s leaving.” One of the guards assures the operator.
The doors begrudgingly slide open and Sleuth steps into the elevator, a guard flanking him at either side. Sleuth looks at the operator. He scowls at Sleuth.
“Who pissed in your coffee?” Sleuth asks. The guards shake their heads and groan. The elevator operator grits his teeth. The rest of the ride is spent in tense silence that Sleuth can only smile at.
The doors slide open at the ground floor. Sleuth steps out before the guards can motion for him to go, and they walk a few long strides to catch up to him. He walks past the receptionist’s desk. The receptionist cups her head in her hands and watches Sleuth walk through the atrium. He gives her a smirk from over his shoulder. He turns towards the exit.
“Alright, Problem Sleuth, that’s far enough.”
Sleuth stops dead in his tracks. “Hello, Anarchy Repressor.” Sleuth coolly greets. “You sure brought out the welcome wagon.”
“More like the paddy wagon.”
Sleuth grins at the remark. “What’s this about?”
Anarchy Repressor stands just inside the entrance to Keynote Bank. He’s flanked by two of his detectives and four cops in uniform. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “You’re under arrest, Sleuth.” He says. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
Sleuth looks to the two security guards flanking him. They aren’t surprised. Sleuth figures they called the cops on him. He reaches into his coat. The hands of the cops and detectives all reach for their holsters.
“Easy.” Repressor says to his men, holding out a hand to stop them. “We’re not doing that yet.”
Sleuth pulls a lighter out and lights his cigarette. “Under arrest for what?”
“Murder. Assault. Trespassing.” Repressor says. “Being a pain in the ass.”
“Are those in order of seriousness?” Sleuth smirks.
Anarchy Repressor shakes his head lightly. “This isn’t a time for jokes, Sleuth.” He says. “Are you coming willingly or are you going to make this difficult?”
Sleuth stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I’m not going with you anywhere.”
“That’s called resisting arrest.” Repressor says. “Don’t make me shoot you.”
Sleuth gives an amused smile. “Repressor, you’re a terrible shot. You trying to shoot me scares me about as much as Spades Slick threatening to cut me up.”
Repressor huffs. He pulls his police badge from his pants pocket and tosses it in the air. He catches the billy club with his other hand. “I’m losing patience, Sleuth.”
Anarchy Repressor is much better with a police badge than he is with a gun. Sleuth has seen Repressor club thugs clear across rooms and stamp police seals on foreheads with that thing. Still no reason to back down. “That’s too bad.”
Repressor sighs and starts rolling up his sleeves. “Get him.”
The cops start forming a wide circle around Problem Sleuth. “Look, just go check in with the station. I’ve got this feeling that I’m not your guy and you’re gonna find that out pretty soon.”
The cops finish their wide circle, surrounding Sleuth on all sides. “What makes you think that?” Repressor asks.
Problem Sleuth stares straight up for a few seconds. He looks back at Anarchy Repressor. “No reason.” He says with a smirk. “I’m just feeling lucky.”
Repressor gets the message. He glares at Sleuth, wondering if Sleuth is bluffing. “If he moves shoot him.” Repressor says as he turns around and walks out the door to his car.
Sleuth is left with six cops with itchy trigger fingers surrounding him, all with eyes staring down the barrel of their guns. Sleuth knows at least one of them is dirty, and without Anarchy Repressor to keep them in line, well, accidents happen. Cops are people too and they make mistakes just like everybody else, especially if those mistakes are convenient.
“What are you doing here?” One of the detectives asks. Must be the dirty one.
“Opening a bank account.” Sleuth says. “What else would I be doing here?”
“Are you serious?” The detective asks, waving his gun in front of Sleuth. “What are you really doing here?”
“None of your damn business.” Sleuth looks at the detective's shoes. “Fancy footwear. A little outside a detective's salary, isn’t it?”
The detective hesitates. “I asked you a question, smartass.”
Sleuth takes a few steps towards the detective, standing inches away from the gun. He looks the detective straight in the eye. “And what are you going to do if I don’t answer? Shoot me?” Sleuth snaps. “Killing a man during an arrest is going to get you kicked off the force.”
The detective blinks several times but holds steady. Usually when Sleuth does this they start getting nervous and doing nervous things, like sweating, adjusting the grip on their gun. Sleuth is impressed.
Sleuth leans in closer. “And tell me,” He whispers to the detective. “What good are you to the Midnight Crew if that happens?” Sleuth starts giving a sinister grin. The detective’s eyes widen by a fraction.
“Alright, that’s enough.” Anarchy Repressor says walking back into the atrium. He’s rolling down his sleeves. “What do you know? Problem Sleuth is actually right. We’ve suddenly got enough time to work the case.” Repressor says. “By the book.” He emphasizes.
The cops lower their weapons. The detective takes a step back from Sleuth. “But he’s right here!” He protests. “Why don’t we just take him down to the station and ask him some questions?”
Anarchy Repressor walks to the detective. Sleuth offers him a cigarette. Mildly surprised by the offering, Repressor takes it and sticks it in his mouth. “If you were any good at your job you’d know Sleuth didn’t kill that courier.” He half shouts at the detective. “Just like I’ve been telling you the whole damn time.” Repressor finishes.
“Captain,” The detective says.
“Am I going to have to start shouting?” Repressor says in a raised voice. “Get out of here. We’re leaving.” The detective gives Repressor a glare. Repressor glares right back. The detective filters out of the building with the rest of the cops. Repressor turns to Sleuth. “Do I want to know how you pulled that off?” He asks.
Sleuth shakes his head. “No. No you don’t.”
That satisfies Repressor. “You got any leads?” He asks.
“A big one.” Sleuth says with a smile. “I’ll have your man in no time.”
Repressor thinks for a moment. “This murder. It’s part of something pretty damn serious.” He doesn’t ask so much as states. “I don’t want to know anything about it, do I?”
Sleuth nods. “You’re a smart guy, Repressor. You know when to not ask questions.”
“If that makes me smart you’re a damned idiot.” Repressor says. “Don’t get yourself killed getting too deep into some mystery, Sleuth. If you’re dead who am I going to lean on to solve all my cases? I might have to start doing my job for once.”
“What a crying shame.” Sleuth says. “It’s good to know our anarchy repressors are hard at work ensuring the city is safe by tracking down problem sleuths and leaning on them for favors. And never paying them back.”
“Still sore about the favors, huh. Get over it, Sleuth. It saves the taxpayer money.” Repressor pulls the cigarette out of his mouth and looks it over for a moment before putting it in his coat pocket. “Be careful out there, Sleuth.” He says as he walks out the door. Sleuth watches Anarchy Repressor get in a cop car and drive away.
Problem Sleuth walks outside and hails a cab. It’s the middle of the day in the middle of downtown and only a few seconds later a cab pulls up to Problem Sleuth. Sleuth opens the rear door and steps inside. “Where to?” The cab driver asks.
Sleuth gives him the address to his office. The cab starts rolling and Sleuth starts thinking about how he’s going to get the Sapphire of Alternia. Just driving out to the warehouse, the three of them, Problem Sleuth, Pickle Inspector, and Ace Dick, is out of the question. If Lawyer’s worried about his men being watched Sleuth is going to have to deal with that. And what if the Midnight Crew and the Felt get involved somehow? That’s going to require some serious ingenuity. At least they’ll be in the warehouse district. That place is a maze, but it works both ways.
And what is Sleuth going to do in the meantime? He can’t go to his apartment and take a nap or anything like that, as much as he’d like to. He has to stay mobile. The Felt and the Midnight Crew might not want to talk to him right now, but that can change at any minute. Better to not get caught off guard.
The cab pulls up to Problem Sleuth’s office building. He pays the driver and steps out of the car. He goes up the stairs and reaches for the handle to the door of his office.
==>
There’s somebody in your office.
Seems like they’re talking to somebody. Better be prepared for anything.
Problem Sleuth: Be the person in your office.
You are now Problem Sleuth.
You are one of the top problem sleuths in the city. Solicitations for your personal affection are numerous in quantity. Satisfaction in your love life, adequate. It is an average autumn afternoon. You are feeling particularly lovesick today.
What will you do?
Problem Sleuth?: Answer phone.
You pick up the phone even though it isn’t ringing. It’s Persevering Maillady. She says she’s got some kind of problem and needs your help right now. You ask what it is. She says she needs you to come help her with something at her apartment right now. It’s urgent, apparently.
You tell her you don’t have time for her games and slam the phone down and feel simultaneously smug and awful about pretending to be that oblivious jerk and that you can’t even come up with a fantasy where he doesn’t turn you down. Respectively.
You sigh.
==>
Oh no!
Problem Sleuth just burst into his office and his key is pointed right at you and oh no this is so embarrassing.
Persevering Maillady is sitting in front of Problem Sleuth’s desk wearing Problem Sleuth’s back up hat. She’s looking particularly hardboiled, but really, anyone would with that hat. Problem Sleuth puts his key back into his coat pocket. “What are you doing?”
Maillady stammers for a few seconds while staring wide eyed at Sleuth. Sleuth watches her face turn from shock to determination. It’s an odd transformation for Persevering Maillady. “You better have a good reason for barging into my office because I already got a million cases and you better believe I’m not looking to take on another unless it pays handsomely so if you want me to check out who’s skimming off the top of your fruit stand you can do yourself a favor and get the hell out of my office.” Maillady says, doing her best Problem Sleuth impersonation. Her finger is dramatically pointed at the door.
Sleuth looks at her. “Get out of my chair and give me my hat back.”
Maillady sheepishly stands up and hands Sleuth his hat.
==>
Thank goodness. Your candy corn is safe.
Since your current hat is bloodstained you swap it with your back up, making sure to stash your candy corn safely.
Problem Sleuth sits down in his chair. He tosses his bloodstained hat at his filing cabinet, and it catches on the corner. Maillady grabs her elbow. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you.”
“You weren’t expecting me?” Sleuth raises a brow. “I wasn’t expecting you. Much less the way you were.”
Maillady’s eyes search the room for an appropriate answer. “I guess we weren’t expecting each other.” She reluctantly laughs.
“Do you do this often?”
“Well, no, but I had your hat, and I had nothing to do after I dropped off your mail.”
Sleuth scratches his head. “How did you get my hat?” Sleuth asks. “Nevermind. Where’s my mail?” He changes his mind.
Maillady reaches for her messenger bag and pulls out a few envelopes. “There’s nothing interesting.”
Problem Sleuth takes the envelopes from Maillady and looks them over.
“Where were you this morning? I missed you.” Maillady says. “I mean, I didn’t catch you here.” She hastily adds.
And this is the second conversation Sleuth isn’t looking forward to having. “I was busy and couldn’t make it in.”
“Busy with what?”
“I got distracted and couldn’t stop by the office.”
Maillady stares daggers at Sleuth. “Didya get distracted by her pretty white eyes or her shiny black legs or how fast she is?”
Sleuth looks at Maillady. “I nearly got arrested by badge wearing goons. And there were cops waiting for me here.”
“Oh.”
“I think you’re being unfair to Transportation Deferrer. She’s a friend of mine, you know.” Sleuth says. “Friend.” He mouths slowly.
“So,”
“You’re out of line.”
“Right.”
A moment passes. “She apologized. For arguing with you last night.”
A fire lights up in Persevering Maillady’s eyes. “There’s no way I’m going to let her be the better woman! I’m going to apologize ten times better than she did!” She puts her fists on her hips.
Problem Sleuth opens his mouth to speak up, but realizes telling Maillady that that’s missing the point of an apology is pointless.
“Problem Sleuth!” She yells. “I acted like I was freshly cloned yesterday evening when I should have been acting my age by being mature in the face of your cab driver’s unladylike accusations and insults!”
Problem Sleuth puts his hand to his forehead.
“So I hope you’ll forgive me for what I did last night and for being terribly jealous just now as well and if there’s anything I can do to make up for it and I really do mean anything I will happily do it!” Persevering Maillady finishes, look of pride on her face, as if she were the most noble soul on the whole planet.
Problem Sleuth rubs his mouth and looks at Persevering Maillady. “Do you mean it?”
Maillady gasps. “How could you question my sincerity?” She asks.
“Because you did it to one up somebody else.”
Maillady huffs indignantly and folds her arms. “Maybe if somebody had shown up at their office this morning they would’ve gotten a heartfelt apology then and wouldn’t be lecturing somebody about giving him an apology after somebody else did now.” Maillady glares. “You’re being kind of a jerk about this.”
Sleuth points to himself and raises a brow.
Maillady nods.
Problem Sleuth shrugs. That’s obviously the best he’s going to get from Persevering Maillady about it. Sleuth thinks she means well, at the very least. “Just forget it ever happened.”
“So you forgive me?”
Sleuth nods.
“Did I outapologize your hussy cab driver?”
Sleuth rolls his eyes. “Yes, you did.” Sleuth humors her.
Maillady smiles happily.
“You seen Pickle Inspector around?” Sleuth changes the subject.
“Oh, him? I tried saying hi to him a little while ago but he was off in his own world.” Maillady says.
Sleuth stands up out of his chair. “Thanks, Maillady.”
“What do you need him for?” Maillady asks as she grabs her bag.
Sleuth looks out the window. “I need to do some work with him.” Sleuth scans the surroundings. “Dammit.” He curses.
“What’s wrong?”
Sleuth looks to the top of the building across street from his office. A jittery yellow hat is being repeatedly pushed down by a blue top hat. “Nothing. Just the Felt watching me for some reason.” Snowman must really not be giving up on the idea that Sleuth knows something. She’s right, not that she has any reason to be.
“Oh no!” Maillady’s hand covers her mouth. “What do they want with you now?”
“Beats me. If they think I know something and they see you and me talking, they might think you know something. And then the Felt might want to talk to you. And the Felt don’t talk nicely.” Sleuth says. “We need to get you out of here somehow.”
Sleuth walks past Maillady and opens the door to the hallway outside his office. He takes a left and throws open Pickle Inspector’s office door. He looks around.
==>
What is this moron doing? You thought you told him to never go back in there.
Time to snap him out of it.
Problem Sleuth: Snap Pickle Inspector out of it.
Sleuth walks up to the makeshift fort that Pickle Inspector is hiding in, no doubt prancing around some crazy imagination land. He kicks it over. Pickle Inspector falls out of the debris and blinks at Problem Sleuth several times. He then ogles to Sleuth’s left. Maillady is standing behind Sleuth.
“Come on, Inspector. We’ve got work to do.” Sleuth offers Inspector a hand.
The tall detective grabs Sleuth’s hand and he stands up. “What is the meaning of this, Problem Sleuth? I was in the middle of a quite fascinating day dream.”
“The Felt are watching my office.” Sleuth points at Maillady with his thumb. “We need to get her out of here.”
Inspector grabs his hat from the floor and holds it at his waist. He turns to Maillady. “Worry not, Persevering Maillady. We will do our best to ensure that you avoid any unpleasant interaction with the Felt.” He places the hat on his head.
“Oh, thank you.” Maillady says, not sure what to say.
Sleuth turns to Maillady. “Wait ten minutes in Dick’s office and then take the fire escape out.” He says. “We’ll make sure the Felt don’t follow you.”
“How are you gonna do that?” She asks.
Inspector opens the window to his office. He leans out. “Ho, up there! Itchy! Doze!”
“By acting like we know something.” Sleuth says. He doesn’t even blink as Inspector fires several loud shots out of his sextant at the two green thugs.
Maillady squeals in surprise. “Go.” Sleuth orders. Maillady rushes out of Inspector’s office. Moments later Sleuth hears the door to Dick’s office close shut.
Sleuth walks to the window. “Think that’ll be enough?” He asks. “I could go spray ‘em a little bit while you got ‘em pinned down.”
“I believe so long as we pretend to make a hasty and purposeful egress they will be convinced to pursue us and not Persevering Maillady.” Inspector says, pulling himself in from the window.
“Then let’s go.” Problem Sleuth pulls out his key ring.
Pickle Inspector and Problem Sleuth rush out of Inspector’s office and down the stairs to the street. They run to Inspector’s car. Sleuth jumps over the hood and gets in the passenger seat. Inspector enters the driver seat and starts the car. As the car starts rolling Sleuth looks at Itchy and Doze up on the roof. They’re pointing at him and yapping into a walkie talkie. He fires a few rounds from his key ring at the pair for good measure.
The car puts distance between them and the Felt. Sleuth faces forward in the seat. “I’m glad I caught you, Inspector.” Sleuth says. “I need to talk to you. I’m gonna need your help.”
“Did we successfully convince them to follow us?”
“Looks that way.”
“Very well.” Pickle Inspector says. “You know I am always willing to assist you, Problem Sleuth. What do you require me to do?”
“Inspector,” Sleuth starts. “I know where the Sapphire of Alternia is.” He says with an excited grin.
Inspector takes his eyes off the road and ogles Sleuth for several seconds. Sleuth points back to the road.
“If Anarchy Repressor’s dirty man is as dirty as Diamonds Droog isn’t, the Midnight Crew are gonna be all over us tonight. And the Felt are going to be crawling over us all the same.” Sleuth says. “We’re going to need Dick. And we’re going to need a plan.”
“How will we retrieve the Sapphire of Alternia? Will we have to force an entry and take it from armed guards?”
Sleuth raises a brow. “Huh? No. That’ll be the simple part. We’re just going to pick it up at a warehouse.”
Inspector works through the scenarios quickly before he settles on one. “Sleuth, did you make an agreement to transport the Sapphire of Alternia to the person who stole it?”
“Yeah.” Sleuth says. “We’re taking it to Wallstreet Keynoter.”
“Problem Sleuth!” Inspector suddenly shouts. “You made a promise to Wealthy Quantifier to return it to her and her alone!”
Problem Sleuth’s heart sinks as he remembers. “Damn.” He says. “You’re right.”
I said this part would be inconsequential fluff and I deliver. Hopefully it's entertaining to make up for the fact that absolutely nothing happens. The next few parts should be much more interesting.
So while I was writing this I figured out the secret to hardboiledness. Just stick a cigarette in someone's mouth. The lines come naturally afterward.
Jim, that is just... I'm very amused by PS's comparison of the dirty cop to Diamonds Droog.
14
@ProspitDreamer: I'm really liking What It Takes. Especially how the trolls arrive and then everybody immediately proceeds to sloppy makeouts. I kid, I kid. Very good fic.
15
@Raikonos: Liked this one. The banter between all the different characters was excellent.
16
@PingZing: Hell yes, Hot Blooded. I've been liking it for Tarfus' character alone and all of a sudden it gets more interesting.
17
@Kawa: Reading this, liking this, am interested to see where it goes.
@SeptimusMagistos: Why hello there excellent altblood series. Continuing to be excellent as usual, I see.
18
@lantadyme: Lo Fi Rave Guy was pretty sweet. Great work about the cue ball head.
19
@battlerek: Another Crew is awesome. How did you even come up with the idea? Make the kids the Midnight Crew. Brilliant.
20
@ceruleanTresses: Still liking the transhuman session.
@ProspitDreamer: Early was pretty cool. A great take on the Scratch.
21
@Stormrunner: Swim and Drown was pretty interesting. For some reason I liked the way you did the dialogue. Namely, not using quotations.
@Nox: The Long Wait is very interesting. Looking forward to the other two parts. I like your interpretation of Sburb immortality, as well as your interpretation of godhood for the two of them.
23
@draconicAlgorithm: That's not really a sadfic, more like a... comfortfic or something. In any case, great work. Tugged at my heartstrings plenty.
@Path- Aww, that picture is cute enough to make you forget that John!Slick is a complete psychopath. And I never intended to mess with your shipping charts or anything, I just wanted some hilarity(and explosions) to ensue between an even ditzier Clubs Deuce and an angrier Ace Dick.
@Skaian Redeemer- I'll put up links on my sig to help keep track of this fic.
@Nox, wilySubversionist- thanks.
@Prospitian Dreamer- So much of Karkat's personality is similar to Ace Dick's, so it was pretty easy( or hard) to blend their personalities together. Hell, both of them even have the same leadership skills.
@draconicAlgorithm- BRB, weeping on my robot pile.
@Jim Groovester- Man, that is one hard-boiled chapter. Pretty much describes Problem Sleuth in a nutshell.
@battlerek- Oh, I meant it as a compliment. Your character choices for who is who are perfect. You now have me wondering who else will be in the story, and who they will be. Jade as Clubs Deuce is still my favorite though. Oh, and Dave naming his motorcycle Caledscratch was beautiful.
Originally Posted by pimudragonfeline
In no Particular Order or Sense
@ProspitDreamer I am liking this series so far. Early made me depressed even though the time change hasn't happened yet.
I'm sorry < : ( I shouldn't write things after 3am while it's raining. It at least ended on a hopeful note...
Originally Posted by Jim Groovester
Comments:
@ProspitDreamer: I'm really liking What It Takes. Especially how the trolls arrive and then everybody immediately proceeds to sloppy makeouts. I kid, I kid. Very good fic.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it! ^_^ I failed to resist the urge to write sappy romance. But there is a plot, I promise :P It's not too far away, either. I'd put more up now, but Daylight Savings Time has stolen an hour of my night away : ( My writing hour. Sadness.
Last edited by ProspitDreamer; 03-13-2011 at 03:01 AM.
I'll have actual comments for fics that have popped up sometime later. Right now, it's way too early for that. Instead, have more Karkancestor adventures.
She was sitting in a plush armchair, with a goblet dangling lightly from her right hand, wearing a smug grin. Completing the image of a ruler at ease was the double-headed golden culling fork propped against her chair. She wore a golden circlet emblazoned with her symbol on her forehead, and a form fitting black dress with light purple trim. A dress with slits up the sides; her legs were left free to move in case she had to run or fight. Very sensible, Tarfus noted grudgingly.
There she was, right in front of him. The woman he had plotted for sweeps to overthrow, and hated for even longer. Alone.
Vulnerable.
Tarfus leapt forward as quickly as the shackles about his feet allowed, intending to grab the fork and kill the woman who had been the bane of his existence for so long. The Empress was faster. She snatched up the fork and swung it forward and low, tripping Tarfus. He stumbled forward and the Empress darted out of her chair as Tarfus crashed into it. He spun around just in time to catch the shaft of the fork under his chin. He tricked to kick out but the Empress deflect his kick with her knee. He snapped his arms up for a punch. She jerked backward and grabbed the chain between his hands and used his own momentum to fling him forward. He flew from the chair and landed face first on the ground in front of it. He groaned and rolled over. This time the culling fork was pointed business-end first at his throat. He breathed and one of the tines pierced his skin, drawing forth a tiny droplet of blood.
And she was still wearing that stupid smirk.
“Do not be ashamed,” she said. “Everyone tries. They never seem to wonder why I don’t keep my Guard in here.” She withdrew the culling fork, but maintained her defensive posture. She was no fool.
Tarfus lay on the floor for several moments, panting. He realized that the ‘demolishers outside hadn’t even reacted to the sound of their skirmish. She wasn’t lying.
“Maybe you’re just that repulsive,” he managed. Not his best comeback, but it’d have to do.
The ever-present grin widened. “Have you wondered why you’re still alive, threshecutioner Depinza of the Twelfth Legion? In fact, did it ever occur to you to wonder why you were never culled for your filthy, mutant blood?
“You were kept alive to serve, peasant. Your sole purpose in life has been to serve the glory of the Alternian Empire. You are no mystery to us. Every minute of your pathetic, unworthy life has been at our pleasure. That you live tonight, at this very moment, is at my pleasure, as I’ve demonstrated. That you dare—”
“Look,” Tarfus wheezed, interrupting, “This is great and all, but if you’re just going to monologue at me all night, I’ll off myself and save you the trouble.”
The Empress drew back, her grin gone and her expression blank and inscrutable. “Very well, I shall cut to the heart of the matter.” She turned to face the rear wall of the room.
The wall in question, Tarfus suddenly noticed, was clear—made of glass, or something equally transparent. He had completely missed it during his struggle with the Empress. Behind the wall was an unbroken expanse of murky water, still dimly lit by the fading rays of the setting sun above. Suddenly, the airlock outside the room, the long stairwell and the sense of pressure as he’d descended made sense to Tarfus.
He was underwater. The only thing between him and thousands of gallons of crushing, pitiless sea was a flimsy transparent panel. The only thing between the Empress and a those same gallons was that same panel. All he had to do was find a way to stand up, crack reinforced glass with his bare hands, and somehow not get speared in the process. No problem.
He groaned and allowed his head to fall back to the floor. He might as well listen to what she had to say; it wasn’t like he was going anywhere.
“You lived because you were useful, threshecutioner. You overcame your natural deficiencies and performed admirably in your capacity as a soldier. There were those more…progressive of the nobility that had high hopes for you. That perhaps you would rise above your inherent flaws as a peasant. But I assured them that blood would out, and so it did.
“Your assassination plot was never a secret. That you were discovered when you were was no accident. Had you been exposed earlier, you would’ve died when the subjuggalators came for you. Had you been exposed later, the possibility, however minute, that you would achieve your goal was inexcusable. It is through my will alone that you yet live.”
Tarfus reconsidered his earlier decision to listen to what she had to say. “If that’s going to be a fucking problem, my earlier offer still stands. Because holy shit, woman, get to the goddamn point,” he said listlessly.
The Empress turned and approached Tarfus. She gave him an unreadable stare for a moment and then his arm exploded with pain. Faster than he could track, she had pierced his left wrist with the culling fork and pinned it to the stone floor. She withdrew the fork and Tarfus clenched his right hand into a fist and beat it against the floor to avoid crying out. The Empress held the bloody end of the fork up to eye level and scrutinized the red liquid coating the points before setting it back down. Tarfus’ vision grew blurry, exhaustion finally seeping into his bones, and his eyes glazed over with pain and weariness.
“Do I have your attention?” She asked, her voice never wavering from its infuriatingly calm tone. “I can see I am trying your patience. Allow me to make my point, then. You were destined to fail from the very start. Auva, would you like to assist me in his elucidation?” She said, looking up.
Tarfus rolled his head to the side to follow the Empress’ gaze. Another troll entered from a side room. The newcomer took tentative steps forward, and clutched one arm with the other. She was looking down and one of her protruding fangs was worrying at her lower lip. Despite Tarfus’ increasingly unreliable vision, he’d know that nervous gesture anywhere. He’d schemed alongside the owner of that gesture, spent hours talking to her, and on one memorable occasion, fought beside her. He’d been paler than sun-bleached paper for her, and his one regret about this unbelievable clusterfuck of a situation—besides its failure, of course—was that she’d been killed before he’d been able to confess his feelings. Except, apparently, she hadn’t been killed after all.
Auva Madris, his second in command, was alive.
She was alive and taking orders from the Empress.
What in the almighty, bulge-fondling fuck was going on here?
Notes
This was so much fun to write. The Empress is so ridiculously pompous and self-assured, and Tarfus will just have none of it. Also, bonus points to anyone that can figure out my ancestor naming scheme! It's kind of haphazard but there's definitely a theme.
Also, judging by the lack of comments, I guess people don't like OC fics as much? Or am I just reading into it too much? Regardless, I'll be writing more, because it's just so much fun!
So, I've had an idea like this rolling around in my head for a while now, but I was kind of focused on finishing Crossing Over so I didn't write it
Then someone posted this, so I put it further out of my mind because hey, someone already basically wrote what I wanted, no need to rewrite it because that fic was pretty good
But then I saw this fanart, and a scenario started playing out in my head. And then I swear the prompt generator gave me "Kanaya Maryam / Karkat Vantas - Comfort", and I couldn't not write this
Karkat: Reunite with loving moirail and matesprit.
Sollux yelped in protest as Karkat snatched the wireless headset from him and threw it against the wall, smashing it into pieces.
"what the hell, kk! what'd y0u d0 that f0r?! y0u g0t s0mething against me talking t0 tz?"
"NO, YOU BLIND FUCK, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! THAT *ISN'T* TEREZI!"
Sollux's brow furrowed. "the fuck are y0u g0ing 0n ab0ut?"
Karkat closed his eyes and stared at the ground. This was not an easy thing to admit, but lying to himself wouldn't change anything, and Sollux needed to know the truth of what had happened to their mutual friend.
"...SHE'S DEAD, SOLLUX."
"what... h0w d0 y0u kn0w?"
"SOMEONE KILLED TAVROS AND SHE FOUND THE CORPSE. SHE SENT ME A MESSAGE, SAID SHE WAS SURE VRISKA DID IT, AND SHE WAS GOING AFTER HER. I DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL IT WAS TOO FUCKING LATE."
"s0 vk killed her?"
"NO. REMEMBER HOW I ORDERED GAMZEE TO STAY OFF THE SOPOR? TURNS OUT THAT BLEW UP RIGHT IN OUR FUCKING FACES, BECAUSE THOSE GODDAMN PIES WERE THE ONLY THINGS STANDING BETWEEN US AND A MURDER MAYHEM FRENZYFUCK."
"gz? but h0w---"
"HOW DID I KNOW IT WAS HIM? BECAUSE THE SICK FUCK TOOK THE GLASSES OFF HER BODY AND STARTED FUCKING TAUNTING ME FROM HER ACCOUNT! SO I JUST DID THE ONLY GODDAMN THING I COULD THINK OF TO KEEP YOUR BLIND ASS FROM TELLING THAT GRUBFUCKING CLOWN EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE SO HE CAN COME MURDER US BOTH!"
"...0h." Sollux looked absolutely miserable, and Karkat immediately wanted to take back what he'd said.
"FUCK, I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE YELLED AT YOU LIKE THAT. IT'S JUST... IT'S BEEN A LONG FUCKING DAY, ALRIGHT? WE LOST A LOT OF GOOD PEOPLE BECAUSE THINGS ARE ABSOLUTELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS RIGHT NOW AND YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS FOR MOST OF IT, YOU COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN."
Karkat extended his hand. "STILL FRIENDS?"
Sollux nodded. "sure thing, kk."
A few seconds passed. "...FUCK, FORGOT YOU CAN'T FUCKING SEE. SHAKE MY DAMN HAND ALREADY."
As he did so, Karkat could see the faint glow of white light coming from the bend in the corridor near the ectobiology lab's entrance.
"SHIT!"
Karkat was certain the glow meant Eridan was here. *Something* turned the corner and raced toward them, impossibly fast.
"I WON'T LET YOU HURT ANYONE ANYMORE, FUCKASS!" A sickle materialized in Karkat's hand as he dropped into a fighting stance. "YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL FUCKING END YOU, ERIDAN!"
He moved to put himself between his blind best friend and the oncoming glowing blur. He had only enough time to take a single step before a hand grabbed his scythe arm and wrenched the weapon from his grasp. It clattered uselessly to the floor as the attacker threw him to the ground.
Karkat sputtered and cursed in his rage, kicking and flailing at the figure. "GET THE FUCK OFF ME, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL PUT MY SICKLE THROUGH YOUR THROAT MYSELF, I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO KANAYA YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'LL--"
"Karkat, This Is Hardly Any Way To Welcome A Friend."
He immediately recognized who the voice belonged to and his eyes shot open in disbelief.
"NO... NO WAY. IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE."
And yet, there stood his moirail, Kanaya Maryam, obviously now a rainbow drinker if the blinding speed and the glowing and the hole in her midsection was any indication but he didn't care, she was walking and talking and obviously very much herself but more importantly she was ALIVE.
"I Hope I Did Not Accidentally Injure You When I Disarmed You. I Meant No Harm, I Simply Wanted You To Know That Undergoing The Process Of Becoming Undead Did Not Affect My Mental Clarity."
Karkat shook his head, embraced her and buried his head in her shoulder.
"My Apologies Karkat, Was My Return Not Prompt Enough?" He mumbled something unintelligible and tightened his hold on her. Was... was he crying? "You Are Dampening My Shirt."
"SHUT UP. JUST, SHUT UP FOR A GODDAMN MINUTE, OKAY?"
Kanaya returned the hug and smiled at him. Sollux, finally understanding the gravity of the situation, remained quiet. Poor Karkat, he'd been through a lot today. He needed this. "Okay. Sorry."
He remained like that for a while before he could regain enough of his composure to speak again, but he didn't dare stop clinging to his moirail. "YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW GLAD I AM TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT... SHE'S DEAD, YOU KNOW."
"Who?"
"TEREZI."
A look of confusion shot across Kanaya's face. "Are You Certain?"
He explained how Terezi had found Tavros's dead body, how she had decided to bring Vriska to justice... how Gamzee must have found her. How the bastard must have stolen her glasses afterward because he used her Trollian account to torment him with his incessant goddamned honking.
"If It Makes You Feel Any Better, I Have Secured Some Manner Of Revenge For Both Of Us. Eridan Is Half The Man He Used To Be If You Understand The Humorous Intent Of That Statement, Gamzee Is Likely Crumpled At The Bottom Of A Chasm With Most Of His Bones Broken (And His Bone Bulge Broken Most Of All If You Do Not Mind My Jests A Second Time), And Lets Just Say Vriska Has Been Thoroughly Put In Her Place."
Karkat eased his hold on her, if only slightly. At least those responsible had been punished, but... it wouldn't bring her back.
"...BY THE TIME I REALIZED SHE HAD TROLLED ME, IT WAS TOO LATE, KANAYA."
"Hmm?"
"I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO FUCKING SAY GOODBYE." His vision starting turning a blurry red. "BY THE TIME I NOTICED, IT WAS TOO LATE. THAT BASTARD HAD ALREADY KILLED HER."
Kanaya rubbed his back. "You Can Talk To Me About It."
Karkat sniffled and swallowed hard. He'd never openly talked about this, and he kind of didn't want to, especially in front of Sollux, but he was beyond caring. "I-I-I WAS FLUSHED FOR HER, KANAYA. THERE, I SAID IT, I'VE NEVER FUCKING ADMITTED IT TO ANYONE BUT HERE I AM NOW. I LOVED TEREZI, KANAYA. I LOVED HER, AND I DIDN'T TELL HER AND NOW SHE'S GONE AND I CAN *NEVER* TELL HER."
Someone stepped out from behind the corner, mouth agape, stunned speechless. Kanaya saw her over Karkat's shoulder, but didn't say anything as she nodded to her. He needed to vent his feelings now, and he'd never do it if he knew she was here now.
He shook as he continued. "AND I WAS JUST SUCH A JACKASS TO HER. 'BLUH TEREZI STOP LICKING THINGS, DERP QUIT TALKING TO THE COOLKID, DUHH DON'T FUCKING GRIN AT ME LIKE THAT'. FUCKBALLS, I REGRET EVERYTHING."
Karkat sighed. "SWEET STINKING MURDER, I REALLY WAS THE WORST LEADER EVER, WASN'T I. COULDN'T EVEN KEEP THE GIRL I LIKED SAFE."
"I Do Not Think Of You As A Failure, Karkat. You Did The Best You Could."
"WELL, THANKS FOR THAT, I GUESS. I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE STILL ALIVE."
"I Am Glad To See You Are Well Too. But..."
She grabbed his shoulders and physically spun him around. "I Think There Is Someone You Would Be Even Happier To See."
Karkat wiped his eyes, not believing what he saw. She was missing her glasses, yes, but... he was certain this was impossible. The universe had conspired to leave flaming bags of shit at his doorstep at every possible opportunity; to believe it would undo screwing him over not once, but twice, was unthinkable. Yet, proof of exactly this was right here, staring him in the face.
"T-T-TEREZI?"
"K4RK4T?"
Slowly Karkat made his way over to Terezi. He had to be sure this was real, and he wasn't hallucinating, or dreaming, or dead, or whatever else could make him imagine this. He touched her hand, brushed the side of her face with his fingers, ran them through her hair, touched the tips of her horns...
"Y-YOU'RE ALIVE."
She smiled at him, not the usual huge toothy grin but an honest, warm smile. "OF COURS3 1 4M, K4RKL3S."
"I... I THOUGHT..."
"N4H. 1 JUST DROPP3D MY SH4D3S AND G4MZ33 MUST H4V3 FOUND TH3M. 1 TR13D TO G3T 4 HOLD OF YOU BUT YOU BLOCK3D M3. GU3SS 1 KNOW WHY NOW."
Of course the simplest solution was almost always the answer, how could he forget that as leader? Too late now, though. He was still shaking and on the verge of tearing up again, but he managed a slight smile.
"SO... HOW MUCH OF WHAT I JUST TOLD KANAYA DID YOU HEAR?"
"3V3RYTH1NG."
"GOOD. THEN I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING REPEAT MYSELF."
What Karkat did next, he never would have done in front of anyone before all this, least of all his best friend and his moirail.
But then, he decided as his lips met hers, he was long since beyond caring.
Notes:
In which I further prove that I have a problem (the problem is a severe addiction to writing Karkat/Terezi fluff, seriously it gets into everything I write)
I almost ended this after quoting the fanart but I soldiered on because I am a sucker, as I've pointed out before
@ Jim Groovester: Yeah, I guess it is more of a comfort fic. But thanks.
@ battlerek: So how lumpy is that? I've been thinking about trying it out, what with the hornpile being eternally occupied, and the shitty wand pile just seems in bad taste now. Seriously, why can't Kanaya have a fabric pile or something? :I
@ anonymousComrade: I really liked that pic when I first saw it, and you just made it that much better. And never stop writing that adorable Karkat/Terezi fluff. Never.
An occasional fanfic writer and general lurker. -- Chromatica: An Ib-inspired text adventure featuring Homestuck characters
THAT IS NOT SPADES
THERE IS NO CONSENT
THAT IS LIKE SPADES RAPE
TROLLS WOULD BE DISGUSTED
Originally Posted by invalidgriffin
Where do you keep the chips, dB. Can you turn up the air conditioner? Man why is your internet so slow, it is taking forever to download all these seasons of Digimon. YES Digimon is important to the lesbians process will you stop nagging.
Originally Posted by olivia
Originally Posted by Doodled
Eridan: Hunt for fearsome beast
Very fearsome indeed.
got that bitch a wweb-cartoonist. bitches lovve wweb-cartoonists.
Fanfics
Chapter Fics
Thicker Than Blood 01234: It seemed like a pretty straightforward moraillegience. He provided her with food, she protected him from the other rainbow drinkers. Maybe if her old matesprit hadn't gotten involved, it would have stayed that way.
Wizardstuck 12345678910111213141516: The new Hogwarts students just keep getting weirder every year.
Zombiestuck KKEG (1): They thought that the Earth would be empty, ready for them to rebuild and reshape it as they saw fit. They weren't expecting that the meteors wouldn't hit everywhere, or that they might have some nasty side effects. They weren't expecting the Infected.
Don't Press Buttons (1): As usual, John does something stupid. Only this time, the result is that he becomes a troll, and Karkat becomes a human. Shenanigans ensue.
One-Shots
Blood and Noir: I'd fallen for that trap once. I wasn't going to do it again. The Road Ill Traveled: A poem about Karkat and Terezi written in the style of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Traveled". Pixie Trails: Sometimes luck doesn't even factor in. Unovastuck-Karkat vs Throh and Sawk: Apparently, a Sawk is faster than a Throh. Faster than a Braviary too. Karkat finds out the hard way. Kore Wa Troll Desu Ka?: Includes crossdressing and magical girl transformations. Karkat was not pleased. The Lawyer and the Goddess: Vriska and Terezi are having a very important chat when they get interrupted by a certain juggalo. Prompt Dunp: A group of several short fics I wrote based on prompts, including Tavros and Bro sharing tea, Slick talking with Jade about (briefly) hobbits, and Dave finding a birthday gift for Rose. Tears: Getting stabbed in the chest once sucks. Getting stabbed in the chest twice really sucks. Prey: Nepeta is a clever kitty. Yes: In a moment of weakness, Rose consults her magical cue ball. My Little Sis: An alt!kids fic about Bro raising blue!Jade. Based off of MSB's AU roleplay. Funhouse: John really, REALLY doesn't like clowns. Or music by Pink. Ice Cubes: Bro talks to Nanna before his fated battle with Jack. INDIGO and CaNdY rEd: An altblood pesterlog, featuring mutant Gamzee and indigo Karkat. Kantostuck: John wants to be the very best. Like no one ever was. Disease Called Friendship: Karkat has had a bad time with friends. The Demon: Death sometimes comes in the form you'd least expect. Hope: Even the Prince of Hope doesn't understand it. Hoststuck: Yeah, I don't really know either. Coulrophobia: HONK HONK MOTHERFUCKER Do: Killer: He stalks in the darkness, waiting. Waiting. Awaken: It's hard, being a rainbowdrinker. It's hard and no one understands. Kitten: Hearts Boxcars adopts an adorable kitten. Misery Loves Company: Terezi gives the bad news, and finds out some bad news of her own. Tend the Living: Gogdammit Hussie I hate you. Doll: It's actually a very good thing that Vriska allowed Bec to be prototyped. Don't Die On Me: Terezi discovers a new reason to hate Vriska. BL1ND Buddiie2: Sollux consults Terezi on the best method of seeing without sight. Cold: Dave decides to take a little time out to go see Jade.
Yeah, it's a prequel. There was a reference to this in part 1.
It was the strangest feeling when Karkat woke up. He felt misplaced, well rested and somewhat younger, somehow. The misplacement cleared up soon enough; he was back in the central terminal room, resting against his desk. How he got there he had no idea. Being well rested seemed easy to explain; he had just woken up from who knows how much sleep. The third feeling was harder to explain. It was just something odd in the back of his head.
Ten other trolls were strewn around the room, all asleep and looking physically fine. This intrigued Karkat to no end, as he knew for a fact that at least half of them were supposed to be dead. Finally, he turned his head the other way and noticed that Sollux was wearing his anaglyph glasses again, the bloody trail on his shirt missing and his mouth full of teeth.
To say Karkat was momentarily very very confused was an understatement.
The first thing that came to mind when the confusion cleared was that these guys were all heavily armed, very dangerous and likely to be as confused as he was. So Karkat did what he never thought he would do -- he went around and took away their weapons.
One thing he noticed was that there were a whole lot less weapons to snatch than he remembered. A quick glance at his own inventory confirmed it; they only had the weapons they had started with in the first place. No more Homes Smell Ya Later, no more Regisickle... it was all gone. Karkat couldn't complain though, it made his task easier.
Finding a bundle of unused cables under the desk, Karkat made sure that Eridan, Vriska and Gamzee, the most insane motherfuckers he knew, wouldn't be able to go on a rampage the moment they woke up. He dragged them all to Equius' desk and tied them to the specially reinforced table legs.
Karkat pondered the stack of murder tools he had collected, sitting in the middle of the room, the Flourite Octet topping it off. What would stop these guys from running up and taking back their stuff? But if their inventories had reset, maybe their fetch modi had too, Karkat considered, and the only ones able to crack his Encryption modus within a minute or so were Equius and Sollux...
As Karkat placed his last remaining sickle on the pile, he focused on the trick. He had to captchalogue the entire pile as a whole, he considered. It was an awfully big pile, even if each of them only had one weapon to contribute...
Just as the others started to rise, Karkat snapped up the pile of weapons and deposited a large, heavy safe-like container in its place.
"Gamzee", Karkat started as he finished his little round, "you okay?"
Gamzee remained silent for a moment before answering. "Yeah buddy I'm okay I think", he slurred, the influence of sopor slime pies inexplicably present. "My head's swimming like a motherfucking indoor pool though, sup with that?"
"We all got a second chance, Gamzee. Remember those four human kids?"
Gamzee nodded slowly.
"They left us a way out of this place, dude. We can go now."
"Seriously, amigo?"
"What the fuck is an amigo, Gamzee?"
"Fuck if I know."
Karkat considered his worst best friend's state for a moment, then reached over and untied him, ignoring the pleas from Vriska and Eridan.
"Gamzee, do you still have some of those goddamned pies?"
"I think so, brother."
"Give one to Feferi and go to the alchemy room with her", Karkat ordered. He turned to Feferi, who was already standing by expectantly. "Feferi, get us as many pies as you can pay for and carry. We'll need them."
Feferi just glubbed in acceptance and skipped away, Gamzee following behind her.
"Alright, now that that's covered, we might as well continue down this road", Karkat exclaimed as the clown and the heir apparent disappeared. "Equius!"
"...Yes?"
"I need you to go around and collect as much building material as you can carry. Hell, get someone else to help. We need wall panelling, any kind of hardware that seems adaptable, scrap metal, tubing, whatever!"
"And you require me to do this, why?"
"Cos you're freakishly strong and can actually collect those things. I mean, have you even seen those goddamned wall panels? Anyway, I don't know where on Earth we'll end up, so I wanna be prepared and able to build some adequate fucking shelter, okay horse douche?"
Equius was, as he was wont to do, perspiring heavily. "Very well... leader."
"Hey Karkles", Terezi giggled. "Can I come with and help carry?"
"If you want to spend that long with a sweaty asshole, be my goddamn guest, Rezi."
When Feferi and Gamzee returned, Gamzee seemed troubled by something.
"Karkat, my man, I really appreciate all these motherfuckin' pies but something's been tickling my motherfuckin' mind, brother."
"What's that, fuckwit?" Karkat asked.
"What did you mean with 'we'll need them', bro? That doesn't seem like something you'd mother..."
Gamzee started to trail off in mid-swear, a sudden realization crossing his mind. He slouched towards the nearest reflective surface, one of the computer screens, and stared at his face. Slowly, he raised a hand and traced the three lines he had carved into his face before, with Nepeta's claws, after he had strangled Equius and he...
What happened next, nobody in the room had seen coming. They all expected Gamzee to go insane right there and then, but instead he sunk to his knees and started crying, clutching his face and ironically smearing the paint, sobbing about the horrible things he had done.
Carefully, Nepeta approached the crying clown, subconsciously rubbing the wrist that he had broken.
"Gamzee?" she whispered.
"Stay away from me chica", came the barely understandable reply. It wasn't so much a warning as it was a a plea.
"No, Gamzee. You're back to your usual self now and I'm not afraid of you."
"They're still in there, those two motherfuckers. What if it happens again?"
"It won't. That's why you and Feferi got all those pies, remember?"
"But what if they run out, chica? What then?"
Nepeta didn't have an answer for that, but Karkat had. "We'll cross that bridge when we fuckin' get there, now man your shit up and get ready to cross over."
Gamzee honked sadly as Nepeta nodded to Karkat's answer and carefully hugged the big lug. He blew his nose in a comically large handkerchief, ruining the last bits of face paint and slowly got back up.
"You're right, brother. I'll go get my stuff."
"We all will, Gamzee."
A meek voice interrupted the mood. "Uhhh, guys? I think I have a little, uh, problem here?"
Tavros was slumped against the wall, his legs completely organic and utterly useless.
"I, eh, kinda can't feel my legs, guys. What do?"
"I believe I woold be able to assist the lowblood with that", Equius said as he returned with his arms and sylladex full of stuff, and a big sack slung over his back with even crap. "Again. I noticed the boy's state as I left on my mission, which I trust to have completed most excellently, so I made certain to bring the required components to create a new pair of robotic prostethics."
"Yeah", Terezi groaned, pulling a hefty sack of her own behind her. "Had to go all the way to the other side of the meteor to get it though."
"But, uhh, I still have my old legs, guys. How can you give me robot legs when, uhmm...?"
"The same way we did last time. Cut them off."
"But didn't Karkat, umm, take away our weapons? I mean, he even got my lance."
"But he didn't get my lipstick", Kanaya interrupted. "I suppose he failed to notice that it is not just an ordinary tube of lipstick at all."
With a flick of the wrist, Kanaya's lipstick transformed into a very real and very functional chainsaw. "Vriska, if you would be so kind as to provide some anasthetic?"
Karkat facepalmed very harshly at his oversight.
"That's a little difficult with my hands tied", Vriska quipped. "But this is Toreadoofnak we're talking about soooooooo..."
Karkat was out of the room just in time. There was no better excuse to go pack his bags than that...
THAT IS NOT SPADES
THERE IS NO CONSENT
THAT IS LIKE SPADES RAPE
TROLLS WOULD BE DISGUSTED
Originally Posted by invalidgriffin
Where do you keep the chips, dB. Can you turn up the air conditioner? Man why is your internet so slow, it is taking forever to download all these seasons of Digimon. YES Digimon is important to the lesbians process will you stop nagging.
Originally Posted by olivia
Originally Posted by Doodled
Eridan: Hunt for fearsome beast
Very fearsome indeed.
got that bitch a wweb-cartoonist. bitches lovve wweb-cartoonists.
Fanfics
Chapter Fics
Thicker Than Blood 01234: It seemed like a pretty straightforward moraillegience. He provided her with food, she protected him from the other rainbow drinkers. Maybe if her old matesprit hadn't gotten involved, it would have stayed that way.
Wizardstuck 12345678910111213141516: The new Hogwarts students just keep getting weirder every year.
Zombiestuck KKEG (1): They thought that the Earth would be empty, ready for them to rebuild and reshape it as they saw fit. They weren't expecting that the meteors wouldn't hit everywhere, or that they might have some nasty side effects. They weren't expecting the Infected.
Don't Press Buttons (1): As usual, John does something stupid. Only this time, the result is that he becomes a troll, and Karkat becomes a human. Shenanigans ensue.
One-Shots
Blood and Noir: I'd fallen for that trap once. I wasn't going to do it again. The Road Ill Traveled: A poem about Karkat and Terezi written in the style of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Traveled". Pixie Trails: Sometimes luck doesn't even factor in. Unovastuck-Karkat vs Throh and Sawk: Apparently, a Sawk is faster than a Throh. Faster than a Braviary too. Karkat finds out the hard way. Kore Wa Troll Desu Ka?: Includes crossdressing and magical girl transformations. Karkat was not pleased. The Lawyer and the Goddess: Vriska and Terezi are having a very important chat when they get interrupted by a certain juggalo. Prompt Dunp: A group of several short fics I wrote based on prompts, including Tavros and Bro sharing tea, Slick talking with Jade about (briefly) hobbits, and Dave finding a birthday gift for Rose. Tears: Getting stabbed in the chest once sucks. Getting stabbed in the chest twice really sucks. Prey: Nepeta is a clever kitty. Yes: In a moment of weakness, Rose consults her magical cue ball. My Little Sis: An alt!kids fic about Bro raising blue!Jade. Based off of MSB's AU roleplay. Funhouse: John really, REALLY doesn't like clowns. Or music by Pink. Ice Cubes: Bro talks to Nanna before his fated battle with Jack. INDIGO and CaNdY rEd: An altblood pesterlog, featuring mutant Gamzee and indigo Karkat. Kantostuck: John wants to be the very best. Like no one ever was. Disease Called Friendship: Karkat has had a bad time with friends. The Demon: Death sometimes comes in the form you'd least expect. Hope: Even the Prince of Hope doesn't understand it. Hoststuck: Yeah, I don't really know either. Coulrophobia: HONK HONK MOTHERFUCKER Do: Killer: He stalks in the darkness, waiting. Waiting. Awaken: It's hard, being a rainbowdrinker. It's hard and no one understands. Kitten: Hearts Boxcars adopts an adorable kitten. Misery Loves Company: Terezi gives the bad news, and finds out some bad news of her own. Tend the Living: Gogdammit Hussie I hate you. Doll: It's actually a very good thing that Vriska allowed Bec to be prototyped. Don't Die On Me: Terezi discovers a new reason to hate Vriska. BL1ND Buddiie2: Sollux consults Terezi on the best method of seeing without sight. Cold: Dave decides to take a little time out to go see Jade.
...umm, can you link them? The web links in the signature don't seem to work for any but the prequel.
Writing:
Bulletproof: Vriska is a lot more vulnerable and remorseful than anyone would suspect, she just doesn't let anyone see that. My Best Friends: Nepeta makes a sacrifice, and reflects on her life in her final moments. I Am Not Like You: The moment when you can no longer hide from your own sins is always painful. Vriska learns this when Eriden becomes her mirror.
Originally Posted by Path
Midnight City Stories (Problem Sleuth/Midnight Crew/Felt crossovers on AO3)
C20710
I'm very amused by PS's comparison of the dirty cop to Diamonds Droog.
And never stop writing that adorable Karkat/Terezi fluff. Never.
An occasional fanfic writer and general lurker. -- Chromatica: An Ib-inspired text adventure featuring Homestuck characters
