MSPA Fanfiction VI: Trashy Rainbow Drinker Fanfiction

[shamefulPancakes]

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Chapter One

John slowly stepped out of the car. A feeling of adrenaline rushed through his veins as he opened the trunk. The idea of going to this new school thrilled him. He wondered about the classes, what new friends he would make… He wondered most of all what it was like to be in college. After all, he was just a freshman.
Examining the trunk he saw his and his sister’s belongings. It was a rather small car with an even smaller trunk and he had to put a bit of effort into pulling the bags out. John slung several bags onto his shoulder before shouting to his sister.
“Jade, can you give me a hand out here?”
“Yeah, sure, be there in a second.”
A clink from the door opening sounded as she rounded the car to the trunk. “Which bags do you want me to take?” John pointed to the three or four remaining bags and she pulled them out. A small flash of the lights indicated the locking of the car doors, and the couple was on their way.
Several trolls and humans were seen outside of their dorms around the campus. They were chatting, doing homework, normal stuff. Too John, though, it felt very different. “Can you believe we got accepted? This place only takes people who know things.”
“Most people know things, John…”
“You know what I mean! Stop trying to ruin the fun. We both know you’re just as thrilled as I am.”
The two had already got their schedules and dorms. After walking towards John door he looked at his sister. He hugged her, and she hugged back even harder. They were definitely excited to be going to college. Who knew what would happen here? “I’ll see you around, hopefully. Well, I know I will… But you know-“ John was cut off.
“John, we have almost every class together. Stop worrying so much,” Jade rolled her eyes at her silly brother. “Now go make new friends or whatever.”
The two waved to each other, swapped some of the bags (John picked up a few of Jade’s to be nice), and the lanky boy left. A million thoughts raced through his head as he thought of the cool things that could happen in college. Will he be in some sort of club? Perhaps have an important job around the campus? Maybe make some new friends? Well, he made friends everywhere.





Walking up to the dorm, he figured he would knock on the door.
An ashen face poked his head out of the door. His hair was crazy and spiked, and he had large, twisted horns coming out of his head. “Hey motherfucker, what’s up?” the troll smiled.
“Uhhhh, well… I’m John, and I was assigned this dorm.”
“Hey, yeah, cool. I remember some brother telling me we had some new kid coming to chill out all up in here.” He opened the door more, and gestured for the new guy to come in. The troll dragged John up the stairs to their rooms. “My two bros Karkat and Sollux sleep in there. You’re gonna be all up and acquainted with those motherfuckers in that room. I sleep across the hall with my hella sick bro Tavros, and Equius and Eridan share the room at the end. We got ourselves a pretty small dorm. Oh by the way, my name is Gamzee.”
John opened the door to his new room and set his bags down. A note was on the dresser, reading
“HEY FUCKASS, I JUST WANTED TO LEAVE THIS NOTE FOR THE LITTLE PINK MONKEY WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MOVING IN TO MY ROOM. THE TOP BUNK IS MINE.
-KARKAT VANTAS
p 2 kk ii2 ju2t whiiny dont worry about hiim”
The top note was written in sloppy handwriting with a gray pen, the bottom had a bit more frilly mustard yellow writing. John looked up around the room and saw it was painted gray, and the windows had been tinted orange. The bunks were green and gray. John looked at the bed on the other side of the room. It had a symbol the color of the second note, and it looked to be the Roman numeral for two maybe. Boy, troll decoration sure is weird.
He started to unpack, putting his clothes in the empty drawers and his laptop on his bed. He used that device for everything from Netflix to chatting with people. The countless hours spent watching Con Air could never have compared to anything else in this man’s life. He got out his poster for Ghostbusters 2 and Little Monsters. Oh man, the apple juice. That movie was great.
Lastly, he put his bunny on the pillow of his bed. That little rabbit brought him more joy than anything else could. He named it Casey after the little girl in Con Air. One of his friends had given it to him before he moved away. Then the door slammed open, and a troll popped in. He wore a gray symbol on his black shirt that resembled the number sixty-nine sideways. He looked pretty mad, too.
“You ignorant fucktard! Who the fuck told you to put posters up on the gogdammed wall!?!”
“Hey, you must be Karka-“
“You better fucking believe I am Karkat. Now tear those shit movie posters off of the wall before I have to kill you! Do you really want to strife with me!?”
“Uhhh… No… I just want to be everybody’s friend… It’s not that… I mean I can take them down if you want… I’m sorry!” John was absolutely shocked. He had never fought with anyone or anything. None of the trolls were insane enough to get in brawls with him around school, and he didn’t know many personally. Humans were another thing. The things they got into arguments over were always trivial and could be easily avoided. Never, in his life, had John see someone this agitated.
Karkat looked even angrier now. He clenched his fists and curled up his toes. He looked like an angry dwarf. John had to chuckle a little. It was just what he would do. That’s when Karkat lost it completely.
“YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCKASS? I THINK IT’S FUNNY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO LAUGH IN MY FACE, AND DON’T THINK YOU WON’T PAY. I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU WHERE YOU STAND! DON’T THINK I WON’T. I WILL FUCKIN-“
“KK, just shut up. We both know you won’t.” A new troll entered the room. Must’ve been Sollux, John reasoned. He had a lisp going on, some sideburns and what looked to be some insane old school 3D glasses. What a get-up.
“GOGDAMMIT SOLLUX GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE WHILE I TEACH THIS MONKEY WHO’S BOSS!” Karkat yelled back at his roommate.
Sollux, rather calmly, walked up to Karkat and put a hand on his shoulder. “So, you’ve met my good pal here, Vantas. Isn’t he a charmer? I’m Sollux. You must be… Egbert?”
“Uhhh, ye-“
“Did I fucking tell you to talk!?” Karkat groped out for some attention.
Sollux rolled his eyes and shoved Karkat onto the floor. He extended his hand to greet John. Hesitantly, the human accepted it. “Do you want the brief run-down on this dorm? It’s a pretty long story, really.”

Chapter Two
The two walked for awhile along campus, explaining the social system of the college and the kids in the dorm. John seemed to follow well for a new guy. “So, we’ve got the cheerleaders. We’ve got the football stars. We’ve got all of the shit from your classic cliché movie. Woop-dee-doo.”
“Huh. I guess I never really thought about any of that when I was in my car. I hope my sister got into a good dorm…”
“Don’t worry; most people around campus are pretty nice. Even Equius, pretty much the strongest guy ever is pretty soft on the inside. His best friend is a girl obsessed with cats.”
“What about the people who aren’t nice? Like Karkat?”
“Oh man, KK. Don’t worry about him. He’s all bark. The people you need to watch out for are pretty much the girls. Eridan is bat shit insane. That guy is madly in love with Feferi Peixes, but it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t love him. He’s just a pretty dark guy. He even believes in the caste system, still.”
Sollux went on and on. Information John had never really cared about was so much more interesting coming from him instead of from the mouths of girls who hated him and his sister. Not that his sister was into much gossip, though. She rarely even talked to girls, for crying out loud.
“So, can you just give me the basic version of all that?”
“I don’t think that that’s possible. You’ll figure things out for yourself after awhile. You just gotta listen.”
The two headed back for the dorm as night began to close in on them. After getting in, John took a good hard look at the lower room. There was a sofa next to a few windows, with a plasma screen TV on the opposite wall. PS3 and Wii equipment covered the floor, as well as plates that were full of leftovers and grime. The whole dorm was painted a navy blue other than the rooms, which fell into the jurisdiction of the owners. Next to the beat up couch was the door to the kitchen. He could smell pizza, and figured that the kitchen wasn’t used much. There was a spare bathroom behind him, and it was surprisingly clean. Well, as clean as it could be.
The pair walked into the kitchen, where they saw the source of the aroma. A box of Dominoes sat on the counter with a few paper plates and cups. “Eat wherever you want, John. We don’t really have much in the way of cleaning.” John got a few slices of pepperoni and a cup of Faygo. That’s the only drink they seemed to have in this whole dorm. “Do you guys ever eat near each other?”
Sollux just sort of shrugged as he jumped down on the couch and began chowing down on some breadsticks. John was really hoping to meet the famed Equius or Tavros. Possibly even see Karkat again, assuming he wasn’t still angry. He sat down next to Sollux and watched the mundane program. It was some sort of Discovery channel show, but he didn’t have much interest in it. Then, the tall troll from earlier came down.
“Hey motherfuckers, how are my bros doing all up in here?” His horns almost reached the ceiling, not that they needed much help. He was incredibly skinny and yet somehow strong looking. “I see you got some of the wicked elixir. That shit is amazing, like a fuckin miracle.”
“Hey, Gamzee,” Sollux had greeted, after finishing the drink. He could tell that they didn’t have much in common other than being in the same dorm.
“So, what do you guys do for fun in here?” John questioned.
“Y’know, just sit around and talk and stuff. We keep in contact through pesterchum most of time. Even some of the teachers set up memos instead of lecturing us in class. Pretty cool stuff, man. I’m an A/V guy; keep track of some of the minor electronics and wiring around the school. Karkat tries to help but he’s not very good. We’re always looking for help if you’re interested.”

I don't know if I should be worried or not. Probably.

[mythmonster2]

Just a couple of comments for you, Pancakes. First, double spacing (pressing enter twice) between lines helps make your story a lot more readable with the format of this forum. Second, you don't have to post the previous chapters with every new one; links will suffice. But other than those couple things, this is a surprisingly interesting college fic!

Now, do any of you remember one of my first fics, Culling? Naw, I'd be surprised if you did. But I've finally gotten back to it and revised it quite a bit, especially the conversation between Eridan and Tavros. I am now definitely making this a series, and I will work on the second part whenever I feel like it. So it should be up by thread IX!
Culling: Revised and Edited

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It was not an ordinary day for Tavros. In fact, it was a day which only happened once a sweep: his wriggling day. But this day, like the 9 before it, was not different from any other day, at least not by much. He had woken up, as usual. He had gotten out of his respite block and spent an hour getting his clothes on with difficulty from his ridiculous horns and his wheelchair, as usual. And here he sat at his grubtop, as usual. None of his friends were on, which didn’t surprise him. It was pretty early; the sun was just hanging at the horizon, threatening to set but never stepping off. It almost made him want to lay down some fresh slam poetry, but the sound of screeching stopping mechanisms jolted him from his inactivity. tHAT’S WEIRD. he thought, wHO WOULD WANT TO COME HERE... oH NO. It couldn’t be the cullers. They couldn’t come for him. They hadn’t come for the past 5 sweeps due to his injury, why now? He rolled over to a ventilation portal and just barely opened the curtains. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that it was just an ordinary multi-person transport. The question still came to mind though, who was this, and why had they come here?

His question, or at least half of it, was answered fairly quickly as a troll stepped out. She was unlike any other he had seen, wearing an exquisite, flowing dress with a pink symbol on her chest. She had more jewelry on her than Tavros had ever seen in his life and, strangest of all to him, fin-like features on both sides of her face. After her came another troll with the same fin-like features, but this troll was a man with a purple symbol on his chest. He brought with him a purple gun-like weapon and looked around with a look of nervousness on his face. They appeared to be the only passengers of the vehicle, as the man shut the door behind him. It was then he realized that these two were members of the sea-troll aristocracy. He had never seen any of them! In fact, the only contact he had with any sea-trolls was two names on his chumroll. But why were they here? Why would two aristocrats come to the house of a crippled-brown blood? Unless… he turned back to the purple weapon, they were here to cull him! However, a knocking sound calmed him down. A culler would just blast down the door.

The woman called out, “)(ello? Is adiosToreador )(ere?”

Another oddity. Why were they referring to him by his trollhandle? He felt the only way to answer his questions was to answer the door.

“uH, i’M HERE, jUST A SECOND.” he wheeled over to the door and opened it, preparing for the worst.

“)(I TAVROS!” the woman shouted as soon as the door cracked open, “Uh, t)(at is your name, rig)(t?”

“yEAH, tHAT'S ME.” he responded, “wHO ARE YOU?”

“IT’S M---E, CUTTL-EFIS)(CULL-ER! We’ve talked a couple of times over Pesterchum, remember? T)(is is caligulasAquarium, or ----Eridan!” she identified the man with the weapon, who nodded in acknowledgement.

Realization dawned on Tavros. cuttlefishCuller, as she had told him a while back, was to be the empress of the entire troll race! This only raised more questions. Why was the heir apparent herself here, alone except for the other guy, Eridan?

“uHHH, HI. i’M tAVROS, aS I JUST, uH, sAID.”

“May we enter?”

“oF COURSE, uHHHH, yOUR MAJESTY.”

She giggled as she entered, Eridan behind her, “Call me Feferi! We’re friends, rig)(t?”

“sURE THING, fEFERI. yOU TWO CAN COME AND SIT HERE.” he said, motioning to his relaxation seat. He decided to go direct with his questions, “i DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, bUT WHY ARE YOU AND eRIDAN HERE?”

“O)(, )(ow rude of me! I forgot to tell you w)(y we’re )(ere! I’m not sure if I told you about my plans for the empire w)(en we talked, did I?”

“uH, nO I DON'T THINK SO.”

“Well, I’m going to make t)(is empire a better place! It’s going to be a nice place w)(ere everyone’s going to get along and… O)( just you watc)(, Tavros, t)(ere’s going to be a lot of c)(anges )(ere!”

Tavros noticed Feferi had a distant, yet still excited look in her eyes as she started to talk. This was her dream, he realized. As he looked to Eridan, he noticed that he was smiling while she talked, a faint smile that hinted he had heard this many, many times before. And though he barely felt it, he couldn’t deny that he was feeling… something inside him while she talked. He noticed her long hair flowing down her back, her jewelry that shined and jingled in the lights of his house, her beautiful skin. Her everything appealed to him.

“But w)(y I’m )(ere Tavros,” she said, snapping him out of his thoughts, “is because I’m instituting a new culling policy! Isn’t t)(at GR-EAT?”

“wAIT, a NEW CULLING POLICY? wHAT'S THAT, uHH, mEAN?” He hoped the alarm in his voice wasn’t too obvious.

Apparently it was, as she quickly shook her head and replied “O)(, no, you don’t )(ave to worry! I’m going to redefine w)(at it means to be culled! It’s so )(orrible, )(ow we just kill all the people w)(o were so unfortunate to get a injury or for some stupid other reason! Instead, we’re going to take care of t)(em now! It’s going to be a real revolution!”

“uH, oKAY, bUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME AND YOU GUYS?”

“W-----ELL,” she began, “I’ve been practicing my met)(ods on some aquatic creatures, and it’s been working pretty good, but animals are no matc)( for t)(e real t)(ing! So I decided I would go and try it out! But I didn’t know w)(o to test it on, until one of our friends, grimAuxiliatrix, mentioned t)(at you were, uh, crippled. So I came )(ere! And –Eridan’s just a clingy moirail, so )(e just )(AD to come wit)( me!” She put her arm around Eridan’s neck, who put on an overexaggerated pout and crossed his arms but let her rest her head on his shoulder.

Tavros thought about what she said, then replied “sO, i'M BASICALLY A TEST SUBJECT.”

“Well, I guess you could say t)(at, but t)(at makes it sound like I’ll be putting you in mazes wit)( c)(eese at t)(e end for science!”

“uH, wHAT'S CHEESE?”

“O)(, sorry, I forgot. It’s an underwater delicacy! S)(oot, I s)(ould )(ave broug)(t some )(ere! But anyways, w)(at do you say? Only good can come out of it for you, but I won’t force you to do it if you don’t want to!”

He thought about it and decided, even if it didn’t work out, at least he’d get to spend some time with Feferi.

“sURE THING, fEFERI. wHEN ARE WE STARTING THIS, uHHH, cULLING?”

“Well, we can start rig)(t now! OK, so, I’ve decided to start wit)( an examination.” She opened a briefcase that Eridan brought to her and shuffled through some papers until she found the one she was looking for. “A)(, )(ere we go! So, )(ere’s some questions to )(elp me get an idea about your life. Number one, )(ow does your life affect your disability? I mean, )(ow does your disability affect your life? I’m sorry, I’m kind of nervous!”

“iT'S NO PROBLEM fEFERI, uH, nOT THE DISABILITY, i MEAN, bUT THE NERVOUSNESS. tHE WHEELCHAIR MAKES IT PRETTY HARD TO GET DRESSED, bUT OTHERWISE IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME THAT MUCH. i'VE GOTTEN KIND OF USED TO IT.”

“OK, t)(at’s good! Question two, would you rat)(er )(ave your disability cured, w)(ich would take a lot of time or may even be impossible, or get used to your condition and into a state w)(ere you can be )(appy and contribute to society? Wait, no, t)(ose two are supposed to be switc)(ed around. But I guess t)(at doesn’t matter does it? O)( s)(ut up –Eridan!” She threw a cushion at Eridan, who had been trying to hold in his laughter and failed.

Eridan responded in his strange accent, “Sorry fef but you’re wworryin too much. Just go wwith the floww and ask the questions calmly.”

“O)( and you get mad at me for my puns.” She threw another cushion, and Tavros wondered at how those two had stayed moirails for so long. “But anyways, Tavros, w)(ic)( one would you rat)(er strive for?”

He thought about it for a second and replied, “uH, wELL, i'M ALREADY PRETTY USED TO MY WHEELCHAIR AND I THINK THAT I COULD CONTRIBUTE PRETTY GOOD, sO I GUESS I HAVE TO GO WITH THE FIRST ONE, iF IT WOULDN’T BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE.”

Feferi scribbled some things down on her paper and looked around for another sheet which she found soon enough. Reading out loud, she said “All rig)(t then, since you’re in a w)(eelc)(air and you want to try to get out of it I’ll need to get you some robotics. And for t)(hat I’ll need you to take off your pants.”

Eridan quickly whipped his head around and stared at Feferi with a look as if she had suggested they all get into a bucket together. Tavros, too stared in confusion. Feferi looked up and realized what she had just said and all its possible connotations, as her face turned bright pink.

“O)( no, I don’t mean like that! I mean, I need to get a look of your legs up to at least your t)(ig)(s so I know w)(at your measurements and all of t)(at stuff. I guess if you )(ave any s)(orts t)(at could really )(elp. But t)(en again, land-dwellers aren’t as into fas)(ion as us sea-dwellers so I don’t know if you )(ave any s)(orts.”

“aCTUALLY, tHAT FRIEND YOU MENTIONED, GRIMaUXILIATRIX, iS FASHION-MINDED, aND SHE SENT ME A COUPLE OF CLOTHES. i'M PRETTY SURE SHE MIGHT HAVE SENT ME SOME SHORTS WITH THAT, bUT IT'LL TAKE SOME TIME TO CHANGE.”

“Do you t)(ink you could c)(ange faster if –Eridan )(elped you?” She looked towards Eridan, put on puppy eyes and quivered her lips in a manner that could make even the stoniest of trolls feel sympathy.

Eridan sighed and walked over to Tavros’s wheelchair and said, “OK, jeez, I’ll help him. You knoww I can’t resist that look.”

“T)(at’s w)(y I did it,” Feferi replied as Eridan wheeled Tavros to his respiteblock.

“Howw did that happen?” Eridan asked to no one as he closed the door.

“hOW DID WHAT HAPPEN?” Tavros asked back, moving his wheelchair to his closet and searching for Kanaya’s gift.

“Howw is it that I’vve knowwn fef practically since wwe came out of the trials, and the closest I’vve gotten to red wwith her wwas wwhen ter held up some of that kissin plant over us, but you’vve knowwn her for 15 fuckin minutes,” Eridan turned to look at Tavros “and she’s flushed for you?”

Tavros whipped his head around and asked, “wHAT DID YOU SAY,”

Eridan sighed and replied, “You heard me. Come on, you think I can be moirails wwith fef for 8 swweeps and not know wwhen she’s flushed for someone?” He glared at Tavros, who froze under the stare, then continued, “And don’t think I didn’t catch you lookin at her like that.”

In Tavros’s head, the gears clicked. Before he could stop himself, he said, “sO, yOU PITY HER TOO. aND NOT JUST LIKE A MOIRAIL DOES.”

Eridan scoffed and said, “No shit. Only for eight fuckin swweeps. I’ve knowwn legit red relationships that havve lasted less than my pathetic crush on her. And that’s wwhy I’m tellin you this.” His glare subsided, and his face took on a gentler look, “I’vve had my chance and I bleww it. Wwhoa, let me help you wwith that.” Eridan moved to Tavros, who was currently trying to wiggle his way out of his pants.

Tavros allowed Eridan to do so, then began squirming his way into the shorts. As he did so, another revelation hit him and he asked, “bUT THAT’S NOT THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS, rIGHT?”

Eridan looked surprised, but composed himself before replying, “You’re seein right through me. Am I really that obvvious? No, don’t answwer that. But yeah, if I can’t be red then I guess I just gotta be the best fuckin moirail she could havve. And also, it’s a wway to pay her back for remindin vvris how despicable I really am,” Eridan chuckled at the last part and looked off into space.

A faint alarm went off in Tavros’s head from that name, but he ignored it and thought about what Eridan was saying. He lowered his head and said, “ok, fINE, i BELIEVE YOU.” Eridan snapped back to the current situation and raised an eyebrow, “bUT EVEN IF i’M FLUSHED FOR HER, aND EVEN IF fEFERI’S FLUSHED FOR ME, hOW AM i GOING TO DO THIS? i MEAN, SHE’S GONNA BE THE eMPRESS, aND i’M JUST A CRIPPLED BROWN BLOOD.”

Eridan put his face in his palm and responded, “OK, first off, you should havve got by noww that fef’s not a normal empress. She doesn’t care about that hemospectrum hoofbeast shit. Second, just followw my advvice to fef back there, and just go wwith the floww and do wwhat feels right. If there’s anythin I knoww about romance, that’s it.” And with that, he opened the door.

“Finally!” Feferi exclaimed as she jumped up from the seat, “W)(y were you guys talking so muc)( in t)(ere?”

Eridan looked from Feferi to Tavros and back again, before replying with a wink, “Oh, nothin. Just bein a good moirail.”

Feferi gave a confused look, but still walked over to Tavros, commenting, “)(ey Tavros, you look pretty good in s)(orts!” Tavros only blushed in reply and looked over to Eridan, who seemed content, if still a little disappointed with the situation. Feferi pulled out a measuring tape and took various lengths, widths, and circumferences.

While taking the circumference of Tavros's calf, she began talking again, “You’ll only get t)(e best treatment there is, and t)(e best robotics too! But, I )(ave to warn you, the guy w)(o makes these t)(ings is kinda weird, and )(e mig)(t be a little mean to you because of your blood.” She looked up into Tavros’s face and gave a grin, “T)(at’s anot)(er t)(ing I’m intending on fixing in t)(is empire.”

Tavros returned the smile, and then it seemed Feferi was done. She packed up her papers and measuring tape. “Well then, t)(anks a lot for being suc)(a great first try at t)(is t)(ing, Tavros! In fact,” she added with a wink, “I t)(ink I mig)(t come back to cull you more often!”

“i'D LIKE THAT, fEFERI. oR MAYBE IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CULLING. yOU CAN VISIT ME ANYTIME.” Tavros replied, and she walked out of his door. Eridan followed, and, to Tavros, said

“Don’t screww this up. She is quite the catch, after all,” With that he closed the door. As they left, Tavros looked up in his wheelchair and asked himself, tHE eMPRESS. rEALLY?

No, it most definitely was not an ordinary day for Tavros.

AN:

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Really, the main thing that I'm worried about here, as usual, is the ending. I can never seem to make the ending... well, end conclusively. It feels disappointing, and not like much of a conclusion at all.

Comments/suggestions would be much appreciated, as would pointed out errors.

[shamefulPancakes]

Ok, cool. I just do it because I revise so much stuff in the beginning and I often forget where I last posted. Man, this is coming pretty easily....

[Raikonos]

Just a couple of comments for you, Pancakes. First, double spacing (pressing enter twice) between lines helps make your story a lot more readable with the format of this forum. Second, you don't have to post the previous chapters with every new one; links will suffice. But other than those couple things, this is a surprisingly interesting college fic!

Now, do any of you remember one of my first fics, Culling? Naw, I'd be surprised if you did. But I've finally gotten back to it and revised it quite a bit, especially the conversation between Eridan and Tavros. I am now definitely making this a series, and I will work on the second part whenever I feel like it. So it should be up by thread IX!
Culling: Revised and Edited

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hide spoiler

It was not an ordinary day for Tavros. In fact, it was a day which only happened once a sweep: his wriggling day. But this day, like the 9 before it, was not different from any other day, at least not by much. He had woken up, as usual. He had gotten out of his respite block and spent an hour getting his clothes on with difficulty from his ridiculous horns and his wheelchair, as usual. And here he sat at his grubtop, as usual. None of his friends were on, which didn’t surprise him. It was pretty early; the sun was just hanging at the horizon, threatening to set but never stepping off. It almost made him want to lay down some fresh slam poetry, but the sound of screeching stopping mechanisms jolted him from his inactivity. tHAT’S WEIRD. he thought, wHO WOULD WANT TO COME HERE... oH NO. It couldn’t be the cullers. They couldn’t come for him. They hadn’t come for the past 5 sweeps due to his injury, why now? He rolled over to a ventilation portal and just barely opened the curtains. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that it was just an ordinary multi-person transport. The question still came to mind though, who was this, and why had they come here?

His question, or at least half of it, was answered fairly quickly as a troll stepped out. She was unlike any other he had seen, wearing an exquisite, flowing dress with a pink symbol on her chest. She had more jewelry on her than Tavros had ever seen in his life and, strangest of all to him, fin-like features on both sides of her face. After her came another troll with the same fin-like features, but this troll was a man with a purple symbol on his chest. He brought with him a purple gun-like weapon and looked around with a look of nervousness on his face. They appeared to be the only passengers of the vehicle, as the man shut the door behind him. It was then he realized that these two were members of the sea-troll aristocracy. He had never seen any of them! In fact, the only contact he had with any sea-trolls was two names on his chumroll. But why were they here? Why would two aristocrats come to the house of a crippled-brown blood? Unless… he turned back to the purple weapon, they were here to cull him! However, a knocking sound calmed him down. A culler would just blast down the door.

The woman called out, “)(ello? Is adiosToreador )(ere?”

Another oddity. Why were they referring to him by his trollhandle? He felt the only way to answer his questions was to answer the door.

“uH, i’M HERE, jUST A SECOND.” he wheeled over to the door and opened it, preparing for the worst.

“)(I TAVROS!” the woman shouted as soon as the door cracked open, “Uh, t)(at is your name, rig)(t?”

“yEAH, tHAT'S ME.” he responded, “wHO ARE YOU?”

“IT’S M---E, CUTTL-EFIS)(CULL-ER! We’ve talked a couple of times over Pesterchum, remember? T)(is is caligulasAquarium, or ----Eridan!” she identified the man with the weapon, who nodded in acknowledgement.

Realization dawned on Tavros. cuttlefishCuller, as she had told him a while back, was to be the empress of the entire troll race! This only raised more questions. Why was the heir apparent herself here, alone except for the other guy, Eridan?

“uHHH, HI. i’M tAVROS, aS I JUST, uH, sAID.”

“May we enter?”

“oF COURSE, uHHHH, yOUR MAJESTY.”

She giggled as she entered, Eridan behind her, “Call me Feferi! We’re friends, rig)(t?”

“sURE THING, fEFERI. yOU TWO CAN COME AND SIT HERE.” he said, motioning to his relaxation seat. He decided to go direct with his questions, “i DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, bUT WHY ARE YOU AND eRIDAN HERE?”

“O)(, )(ow rude of me! I forgot to tell you w)(y we’re )(ere! I’m not sure if I told you about my plans for the empire w)(en we talked, did I?”

“uH, nO I DON'T THINK SO.”

“Well, I’m going to make t)(is empire a better place! It’s going to be a nice place w)(ere everyone’s going to get along and… O)( just you watc)(, Tavros, t)(ere’s going to be a lot of c)(anges )(ere!”

Tavros noticed Feferi had a distant, yet still excited look in her eyes as she started to talk. This was her dream, he realized. As he looked to Eridan, he noticed that he was smiling while she talked, a faint smile that hinted he had heard this many, many times before. And though he barely felt it, he couldn’t deny that he was feeling… something inside him while she talked. He noticed her long hair flowing down her back, her jewelry that shined and jingled in the lights of his house, her beautiful skin. Her everything appealed to him.

“But w)(y I’m )(ere Tavros,” she said, snapping him out of his thoughts, “is because I’m instituting a new culling policy! Isn’t t)(at GR-EAT?”

“wAIT, a NEW CULLING POLICY? wHAT'S THAT, uHH, mEAN?” He hoped the alarm in his voice wasn’t too obvious.

Apparently it was, as she quickly shook her head and replied “O)(, no, you don’t )(ave to worry! I’m going to redefine w)(at it means to be culled! It’s so )(orrible, )(ow we just kill all the people w)(o were so unfortunate to get a injury or for some stupid other reason! Instead, we’re going to take care of t)(em now! It’s going to be a real revolution!”

“uH, oKAY, bUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME AND YOU GUYS?”

“W-----ELL,” she began, “I’ve been practicing my met)(ods on some aquatic creatures, and it’s been working pretty good, but animals are no matc)( for t)(e real t)(ing! So I decided I would go and try it out! But I didn’t know w)(o to test it on, until one of our friends, grimAuxiliatrix, mentioned t)(at you were, uh, crippled. So I came )(ere! And –Eridan’s just a clingy moirail, so )(e just )(AD to come wit)( me!” She put her arm around Eridan’s neck, who put on an overexaggerated pout and crossed his arms but let her rest her head on his shoulder.

Tavros thought about what she said, then replied “sO, i'M BASICALLY A TEST SUBJECT.”

“Well, I guess you could say t)(at, but t)(at makes it sound like I’ll be putting you in mazes wit)( c)(eese at t)(e end for science!”

“uH, wHAT'S CHEESE?”

“O)(, sorry, I forgot. It’s an underwater delicacy! S)(oot, I s)(ould )(ave broug)(t some )(ere! But anyways, w)(at do you say? Only good can come out of it for you, but I won’t force you to do it if you don’t want to!”

He thought about it and decided, even if it didn’t work out, at least he’d get to spend some time with Feferi.

“sURE THING, fEFERI. wHEN ARE WE STARTING THIS, uHHH, cULLING?”

“Well, we can start rig)(t now! OK, so, I’ve decided to start wit)( an examination.” She opened a briefcase that Eridan brought to her and shuffled through some papers until she found the one she was looking for. “A)(, )(ere we go! So, )(ere’s some questions to )(elp me get an idea about your life. Number one, )(ow does your life affect your disability? I mean, )(ow does your disability affect your life? I’m sorry, I’m kind of nervous!”

“iT'S NO PROBLEM fEFERI, uH, nOT THE DISABILITY, i MEAN, bUT THE NERVOUSNESS. tHE WHEELCHAIR MAKES IT PRETTY HARD TO GET DRESSED, bUT OTHERWISE IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME THAT MUCH. i'VE GOTTEN KIND OF USED TO IT.”

“OK, t)(at’s good! Question two, would you rat)(er )(ave your disability cured, w)(ich would take a lot of time or may even be impossible, or get used to your condition and into a state w)(ere you can be )(appy and contribute to society? Wait, no, t)(ose two are supposed to be switc)(ed around. But I guess t)(at doesn’t matter does it? O)( s)(ut up –Eridan!” She threw a cushion at Eridan, who had been trying to hold in his laughter and failed.

Eridan responded in his strange accent, “Sorry fef but you’re wworryin too much. Just go wwith the floww and ask the questions calmly.”

“O)( and you get mad at me for my puns.” She threw another cushion, and Tavros wondered at how those two had stayed moirails for so long. “But anyways, Tavros, w)(ic)( one would you rat)(er strive for?”

He thought about it for a second and replied, “uH, wELL, i'M ALREADY PRETTY USED TO MY WHEELCHAIR AND I THINK THAT I COULD CONTRIBUTE PRETTY GOOD, sO I GUESS I HAVE TO GO WITH THE FIRST ONE, iF IT WOULDN’T BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE.”

Feferi scribbled some things down on her paper and looked around for another sheet which she found soon enough. Reading out loud, she said “All rig)(t then, since you’re in a w)(eelc)(air and you want to try to get out of it I’ll need to get you some robotics. And for t)(hat I’ll need you to take off your pants.”

Eridan quickly whipped his head around and stared at Feferi with a look as if she had suggested they all get into a bucket together. Tavros, too stared in confusion. Feferi looked up and realized what she had just said and all its possible connotations, as her face turned bright pink.

“O)( no, I don’t mean like that! I mean, I need to get a look of your legs up to at least your t)(ig)(s so I know w)(at your measurements and all of t)(at stuff. I guess if you )(ave any s)(orts t)(at could really )(elp. But t)(en again, land-dwellers aren’t as into fas)(ion as us sea-dwellers so I don’t know if you )(ave any s)(orts.”

“aCTUALLY, tHAT FRIEND YOU MENTIONED, GRIMaUXILIATRIX, iS FASHION-MINDED, aND SHE SENT ME A COUPLE OF CLOTHES. i'M PRETTY SURE SHE MIGHT HAVE SENT ME SOME SHORTS WITH THAT, bUT IT'LL TAKE SOME TIME TO CHANGE.”

“Do you t)(ink you could c)(ange faster if –Eridan )(elped you?” She looked towards Eridan, put on puppy eyes and quivered her lips in a manner that could make even the stoniest of trolls feel sympathy.

Eridan sighed and walked over to Tavros’s wheelchair and said, “OK, jeez, I’ll help him. You knoww I can’t resist that look.”

“T)(at’s w)(y I did it,” Feferi replied as Eridan wheeled Tavros to his respiteblock.

“Howw did that happen?” Eridan asked to no one as he closed the door.

“hOW DID WHAT HAPPEN?” Tavros asked back, moving his wheelchair to his closet and searching for Kanaya’s gift.

“Howw is it that I’vve knowwn fef practically since wwe came out of the trials, and the closest I’vve gotten to red wwith her wwas wwhen ter held up some of that kissin plant over us, but you’vve knowwn her for 15 fuckin minutes,” Eridan turned to look at Tavros “and she’s flushed for you?”

Tavros whipped his head around and asked, “wHAT DID YOU SAY,”

Eridan sighed and replied, “You heard me. Come on, you think I can be moirails wwith fef for 8 swweeps and not know wwhen she’s flushed for someone?” He glared at Tavros, who froze under the stare, then continued, “And don’t think I didn’t catch you lookin at her like that.”

In Tavros’s head, the gears clicked. Before he could stop himself, he said, “sO, yOU PITY HER TOO. aND NOT JUST LIKE A MOIRAIL DOES.”

Eridan scoffed and said, “No shit. Only for eight fuckin swweeps. I’ve knowwn legit red relationships that havve lasted less than my pathetic crush on her. And that’s wwhy I’m tellin you this.” His glare subsided, and his face took on a gentler look, “I’vve had my chance and I bleww it. Wwhoa, let me help you wwith that.” Eridan moved to Tavros, who was currently trying to wiggle his way out of his pants.

Tavros allowed Eridan to do so, then began squirming his way into the shorts. As he did so, another revelation hit him and he asked, “bUT THAT’S NOT THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS, rIGHT?”

Eridan looked surprised, but composed himself before replying, “You’re seein right through me. Am I really that obvvious? No, don’t answwer that. But yeah, if I can’t be red then I guess I just gotta be the best fuckin moirail she could havve. And also, it’s a wway to pay her back for remindin vvris how despicable I really am,” Eridan chuckled at the last part and looked off into space.

A faint alarm went off in Tavros’s head from that name, but he ignored it and thought about what Eridan was saying. He lowered his head and said, “ok, fINE, i BELIEVE YOU.” Eridan snapped back to the current situation and raised an eyebrow, “bUT EVEN IF i’M FLUSHED FOR HER, aND EVEN IF fEFERI’S FLUSHED FOR ME, hOW AM i GOING TO DO THIS? i MEAN, SHE’S GONNA BE THE eMPRESS, aND i’M JUST A CRIPPLED BROWN BLOOD.”

Eridan put his face in his palm and responded, “OK, first off, you should havve got by noww that fef’s not a normal empress. She doesn’t care about that hemospectrum hoofbeast shit. Second, just followw my advvice to fef back there, and just go wwith the floww and do wwhat feels right. If there’s anythin I knoww about romance, that’s it.” And with that, he opened the door.

“Finally!” Feferi exclaimed as she jumped up from the seat, “W)(y were you guys talking so muc)( in t)(ere?”

Eridan looked from Feferi to Tavros and back again, before replying with a wink, “Oh, nothin. Just bein a good moirail.”

Feferi gave a confused look, but still walked over to Tavros, commenting, “)(ey Tavros, you look pretty good in s)(orts!” Tavros only blushed in reply and looked over to Eridan, who seemed content, if still a little disappointed with the situation. Feferi pulled out a measuring tape and took various lengths, widths, and circumferences.

While taking the circumference of Tavros's calf, she began talking again, “You’ll only get t)(e best treatment there is, and t)(e best robotics too! But, I )(ave to warn you, the guy w)(o makes these t)(ings is kinda weird, and )(e mig)(t be a little mean to you because of your blood.” She looked up into Tavros’s face and gave a grin, “T)(at’s anot)(er t)(ing I’m intending on fixing in t)(is empire.”

Tavros returned the smile, and then it seemed Feferi was done. She packed up her papers and measuring tape. “Well then, t)(anks a lot for being suc)(a great first try at t)(is t)(ing, Tavros! In fact,” she added with a wink, “I t)(ink I mig)(t come back to cull you more often!”

“i'D LIKE THAT, fEFERI. oR MAYBE IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CULLING. yOU CAN VISIT ME ANYTIME.” Tavros replied, and she walked out of his door. Eridan followed, and, to Tavros, said

“Don’t screww this up. She is quite the catch, after all,” With that he closed the door. As they left, Tavros looked up in his wheelchair and asked himself, tHE eMPRESS. rEALLY?

No, it most definitely was not an ordinary day for Tavros.

AN:

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Really, the main thing that I'm worried about here, as usual, is the ending. I can never seem to make the ending... well, end conclusively. It feels disappointing, and not like much of a conclusion at all.

Comments/suggestions would be much appreciated, as would pointed out errors.

I liked this! The only errors I saw were that part of Tavros's thoughts at the beginning wasn't italicized and brown, and that Tavros was using punctuation other than commas. Although since it was spoken words, maybe that second one was intentional?

Anyway, good fic best Nepetacopter.

[shamefulPancakes]

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Chapter Two

The two walked for awhile along campus, explaining the social system of the college and the kids in the dorm. John seemed to follow well for a new guy. “So, we’ve got the cheerleaders. We’ve got the football stars. We’ve got all of the shit from your classic cliché movie. Woop-dee-doo.”
“Huh. I guess I never really thought about any of that when I was in my car. I hope my sister got into a good dorm…”
“Don’t worry; most people around campus are pretty nice. Even Equius, pretty much the strongest guy ever is pretty soft on the inside. His moirail is a girl obsessed with cats.”
“What about the people who aren’t nice? Like Karkat?”
“Oh man, KK. Don’t worry about him. He’s all bark. The people you need to watch out for are pretty much the girls. Eridan is bat shit insane. That guy is madly in love with Feferi Peixes, but it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t love him. He’s just a pretty dark guy. He even believes in the caste system, still.”
Sollux went on and on. Information John had never really cared about was so much more interesting coming from him instead of from the mouths of girls who hated him and his sister. Not that his sister was into much gossip, though. She rarely even talked to girls, for crying out loud.
“So, can you just give me the basic version of all that?”
“I don’t think that that’s possible. You’ll figure things out for yourself after awhile. You just gotta listen.”
The two headed back for the dorm as night began to close in on them. After getting in, John took a good hard look at the lower room. There was a sofa next to a few windows, with a plasma screen TV on the opposite wall. PS3 and Wii equipment covered the floor, as well as plates that were full of leftovers and grime. The whole dorm was painted a navy blue other than the rooms, which fell into the jurisdiction of the owners. Next to the beat up couch was the door to the kitchen. He could smell pizza, and figured that the kitchen wasn’t used much. There was a spare bathroom behind him, and it was surprisingly clean. Well, as clean as it could be.
The pair walked into the kitchen, where they saw the source of the aroma. A box of Dominoes sat on the counter with a few paper plates and cups. “Eat wherever you want, John. We don’t really have much in the way of cleaning.” John got a few slices of pepperoni and a cup of Faygo. That’s the only drink they seemed to have in this whole dorm. “Do you guys ever eat near each other?”
Sollux just sort of shrugged as he jumped down on the couch and began chowing down on some breadsticks. John was really hoping to meet the famed Equius or Tavros. Possibly even see Karkat again, assuming he wasn’t still angry. He sat down next to Sollux and watched the mundane program. It was some sort of Discovery channel show, but he didn’t have much interest in it. Then, the tall troll from earlier came down.
“Hey motherfuckers, how are my bros doing all up in here?” His horns almost reached the ceiling, not that they needed much help. He was incredibly skinny and yet somehow strong looking. “I see you got some of the wicked elixir. That shit is amazing, like a fuckin miracle.”
“Hey, Gamzee,” Sollux had greeted, after finishing the drink. He could tell that they didn’t have much in common other than being in the same dorm.
“So, what do you guys do for fun in here?” John questioned.
“Y’know, just sit around and talk and stuff. We keep in contact through pesterchum most of time. Even some of the teachers set up memos instead of lecturing us in class. Pretty cool stuff, man. I’m an A/V guy; keep track of some of the minor electronics and wiring around the school. Karkat tries to help but he’s not very good. We’re always looking for help if you’re interested.”
“Hey sure, why not, I mean it sounds like it could be pretty fun.”
They finished dinner and went on with the night watching several stupid TV shows before Sollux decided to set up a pesterchum for John. He brought his laptop down and closed out of the shitty viruses that Karkat tried to put on there. After downloading the client he figured most of it out on his own and tested out the chat with his friend.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 23:35 –
EB: hey man!
TA: how2 iit goiin
EB: you’re right next to me, man! just ask me.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 23:36 –
The two were happy with the conversation, and John eventually passed out on the couch after adding a few people to the list as Sollux suggested them. It had been a pretty great day, and tomorrow classes would start.


After a long day of somewhat paying attention to a boring lecture and somewhat pestering Sollux, John finally got home. He crashed on the couch and took a nap. He stayed up way to late and would have to get some homework done. So he just drifted off for an hour or two before waking up.
The first thing he had on his mind was to call Jade. He would find out what dorm she was in and then ask if she had a pesterchum. He really wanted to talk to his sister… Just about life. It felt like it had been ages since he last spoke to her, even though he knew it hadn’t been more than twenty hours. He called his sister.
“Hey, uhhhh… Who is this?” John spoke into the phone.
“What do you mean who is this? It’s your sister.” He could feel her eyes roll.
“Oh come on Jade, be quiet.”
“I’m going to be honest, I am flipping out. Today was awesome.”
The two talked to each other for about an hour discussing their day. To anyone else, they would assume that Jade and John were in a relationship. In truth, they were about as close as siblings could get. No, in fact, they were even closer than that. They were best friends.
After awhile, Jade had her account on pesterchum. The two would now be able to talk even more if they wanted. Though John was ecstatic, Jade didn’t really care about the whole instant messaging thing. What made her happy was the fact she could get in touch with her brother more frequently. They proceeded to give their dorms out to each other so they could visit every now and then before John did his homework. After that, something dawned on him.
He went up to the first door on the right. This was Gamzee’s room. He knocked. “Is anyone there?”
“Uhhh, yeah, be there in, uh, a minute.”
A tall, large horned troll opened up the door. He had a long Mohawk and an orange O with two lines coming out of it on his shirt. He reminded John so much of a bull it wasn’t even funny.
“Are you… Tavros, I think it was?”
“Yes, I am. Uhhh, call me Tavros, but my full name is, uhhh… Tavros Nitram.”
He talked to Tavros and got to know him. He was a pretty strong guy, but weak at the same time. He broke his legs pretty bad in a football accident two years before, and slowly became less active. Poor guy must’ve been crushed.
John walked to the next room, but right before he knocked, he heard someone at the front door. He went to the door to see who it was. Slowly opening it, he saw a tall blonde dude. This guy had probably the coolest look about him ever. He had some fly aviators, a kickin’ record shirt, and some Nike high tops to push the look over the edge.
“Hey man, I’m Dave Strider.”
“Hey… Uh, I’m John Egbert.”
“I’m gonna cut to the chase, because you seem like a pretty busy guy.”
Dave hated his brother right now. Why did he ever decide to live with that guy?
“Uh, sure. What do you need?”
“Take this flyer, bro. Come on down to our record shop some time. We have all of the fly beats. All of them.”
Dave extended his arm for a fist bump, and John awkwardly accepted it.
Man, what a cool dude. John would have to keep an eye out for this kid. The Egbert had fallen deep into the swagger of Dave Strider, and couldn’t figure out which way was up. Until he turned around and passed out on his bed, waking up without being drowsy the next morning.

Chapter two is now done.

Hufffff.

[mythmonster2]

Just a couple of comments for you, Pancakes. First, double spacing (pressing enter twice) between lines helps make your story a lot more readable with the format of this forum. Second, you don't have to post the previous chapters with every new one; links will suffice. But other than those couple things, this is a surprisingly interesting college fic!

Now, do any of you remember one of my first fics, Culling? Naw, I'd be surprised if you did. But I've finally gotten back to it and revised it quite a bit, especially the conversation between Eridan and Tavros. I am now definitely making this a series, and I will work on the second part whenever I feel like it. So it should be up by thread IX!
Culling: Revised and Edited

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It was not an ordinary day for Tavros. In fact, it was a day which only happened once a sweep: his wriggling day. But this day, like the 9 before it, was not different from any other day, at least not by much. He had woken up, as usual. He had gotten out of his respite block and spent an hour getting his clothes on with difficulty from his ridiculous horns and his wheelchair, as usual. And here he sat at his grubtop, as usual. None of his friends were on, which didn’t surprise him. It was pretty early; the sun was just hanging at the horizon, threatening to set but never stepping off. It almost made him want to lay down some fresh slam poetry, but the sound of screeching stopping mechanisms jolted him from his inactivity. tHAT’S WEIRD. he thought, wHO WOULD WANT TO COME HERE... oH NO. It couldn’t be the cullers. They couldn’t come for him. They hadn’t come for the past 5 sweeps due to his injury, why now? He rolled over to a ventilation portal and just barely opened the curtains. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw that it was just an ordinary multi-person transport. The question still came to mind though, who was this, and why had they come here?

His question, or at least half of it, was answered fairly quickly as a troll stepped out. She was unlike any other he had seen, wearing an exquisite, flowing dress with a pink symbol on her chest. She had more jewelry on her than Tavros had ever seen in his life and, strangest of all to him, fin-like features on both sides of her face. After her came another troll with the same fin-like features, but this troll was a man with a purple symbol on his chest. He brought with him a purple gun-like weapon and looked around with a look of nervousness on his face. They appeared to be the only passengers of the vehicle, as the man shut the door behind him. It was then he realized that these two were members of the sea-troll aristocracy. He had never seen any of them! In fact, the only contact he had with any sea-trolls was two names on his chumroll. But why were they here? Why would two aristocrats come to the house of a crippled-brown blood? Unless… he turned back to the purple weapon, they were here to cull him! However, a knocking sound calmed him down. A culler would just blast down the door.

The woman called out, “)(ello? Is adiosToreador )(ere?”

Another oddity. Why were they referring to him by his trollhandle? He felt the only way to answer his questions was to answer the door.

“uH, i’M HERE, jUST A SECOND.” he wheeled over to the door and opened it, preparing for the worst.

“)(I TAVROS!” the woman shouted as soon as the door cracked open, “Uh, t)(at is your name, rig)(t?”

“yEAH, tHAT'S ME.” he responded, “wHO ARE YOU?”

“IT’S M---E, CUTTL-EFIS)(CULL-ER! We’ve talked a couple of times over Pesterchum, remember? T)(is is caligulasAquarium, or ----Eridan!” she identified the man with the weapon, who nodded in acknowledgement.

Realization dawned on Tavros. cuttlefishCuller, as she had told him a while back, was to be the empress of the entire troll race! This only raised more questions. Why was the heir apparent herself here, alone except for the other guy, Eridan?

“uHHH, HI. i’M tAVROS, aS I JUST, uH, sAID.”

“May we enter?”

“oF COURSE, uHHHH, yOUR MAJESTY.”

She giggled as she entered, Eridan behind her, “Call me Feferi! We’re friends, rig)(t?”

“sURE THING, fEFERI. yOU TWO CAN COME AND SIT HERE.” he said, motioning to his relaxation seat. He decided to go direct with his questions, “i DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, bUT WHY ARE YOU AND eRIDAN HERE?”

“O)(, )(ow rude of me! I forgot to tell you w)(y we’re )(ere! I’m not sure if I told you about my plans for the empire w)(en we talked, did I?”

“uH, nO I DON'T THINK SO.”

“Well, I’m going to make t)(is empire a better place! It’s going to be a nice place w)(ere everyone’s going to get along and… O)( just you watc)(, Tavros, t)(ere’s going to be a lot of c)(anges )(ere!”

Tavros noticed Feferi had a distant, yet still excited look in her eyes as she started to talk. This was her dream, he realized. As he looked to Eridan, he noticed that he was smiling while she talked, a faint smile that hinted he had heard this many, many times before. And though he barely felt it, he couldn’t deny that he was feeling… something inside him while she talked. He noticed her long hair flowing down her back, her jewelry that shined and jingled in the lights of his house, her beautiful skin. Her everything appealed to him.

“But w)(y I’m )(ere Tavros,” she said, snapping him out of his thoughts, “is because I’m instituting a new culling policy! Isn’t t)(at GR-EAT?”

“wAIT, a NEW CULLING POLICY? wHAT'S THAT, uHH, mEAN?” He hoped the alarm in his voice wasn’t too obvious.

Apparently it was, as she quickly shook her head and replied “O)(, no, you don’t )(ave to worry! I’m going to redefine w)(at it means to be culled! It’s so )(orrible, )(ow we just kill all the people w)(o were so unfortunate to get a injury or for some stupid other reason! Instead, we’re going to take care of t)(em now! It’s going to be a real revolution!”

“uH, oKAY, bUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME AND YOU GUYS?”

“W-----ELL,” she began, “I’ve been practicing my met)(ods on some aquatic creatures, and it’s been working pretty good, but animals are no matc)( for t)(e real t)(ing! So I decided I would go and try it out! But I didn’t know w)(o to test it on, until one of our friends, grimAuxiliatrix, mentioned t)(at you were, uh, crippled. So I came )(ere! And –Eridan’s just a clingy moirail, so )(e just )(AD to come wit)( me!” She put her arm around Eridan’s neck, who put on an overexaggerated pout and crossed his arms but let her rest her head on his shoulder.

Tavros thought about what she said, then replied “sO, i'M BASICALLY A TEST SUBJECT.”

“Well, I guess you could say t)(at, but t)(at makes it sound like I’ll be putting you in mazes wit)( c)(eese at t)(e end for science!”

“uH, wHAT'S CHEESE?”

“O)(, sorry, I forgot. It’s an underwater delicacy! S)(oot, I s)(ould )(ave broug)(t some )(ere! But anyways, w)(at do you say? Only good can come out of it for you, but I won’t force you to do it if you don’t want to!”

He thought about it and decided, even if it didn’t work out, at least he’d get to spend some time with Feferi.

“sURE THING, fEFERI. wHEN ARE WE STARTING THIS, uHHH, cULLING?”

“Well, we can start rig)(t now! OK, so, I’ve decided to start wit)( an examination.” She opened a briefcase that Eridan brought to her and shuffled through some papers until she found the one she was looking for. “A)(, )(ere we go! So, )(ere’s some questions to )(elp me get an idea about your life. Number one, )(ow does your life affect your disability? I mean, )(ow does your disability affect your life? I’m sorry, I’m kind of nervous!”

“iT'S NO PROBLEM fEFERI, uH, nOT THE DISABILITY, i MEAN, bUT THE NERVOUSNESS. tHE WHEELCHAIR MAKES IT PRETTY HARD TO GET DRESSED, bUT OTHERWISE IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME THAT MUCH. i'VE GOTTEN KIND OF USED TO IT.”

“OK, t)(at’s good! Question two, would you rat)(er )(ave your disability cured, w)(ich would take a lot of time or may even be impossible, or get used to your condition and into a state w)(ere you can be )(appy and contribute to society? Wait, no, t)(ose two are supposed to be switc)(ed around. But I guess t)(at doesn’t matter does it? O)( s)(ut up –Eridan!” She threw a cushion at Eridan, who had been trying to hold in his laughter and failed.

Eridan responded in his strange accent, “Sorry fef but you’re wworryin too much. Just go wwith the floww and ask the questions calmly.”

“O)( and you get mad at me for my puns.” She threw another cushion, and Tavros wondered at how those two had stayed moirails for so long. “But anyways, Tavros, w)(ic)( one would you rat)(er strive for?”

He thought about it for a second and replied, “uH, wELL, i'M ALREADY PRETTY USED TO MY WHEELCHAIR AND I THINK THAT I COULD CONTRIBUTE PRETTY GOOD, sO I GUESS I HAVE TO GO WITH THE FIRST ONE, iF IT WOULDN’T BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE.”

Feferi scribbled some things down on her paper and looked around for another sheet which she found soon enough. Reading out loud, she said “All rig)(t then, since you’re in a w)(eelc)(air and you want to try to get out of it I’ll need to get you some robotics. And for t)(hat I’ll need you to take off your pants.”

Eridan quickly whipped his head around and stared at Feferi with a look as if she had suggested they all get into a bucket together. Tavros, too stared in confusion. Feferi looked up and realized what she had just said and all its possible connotations, as her face turned bright pink.

“O)( no, I don’t mean like that! I mean, I need to get a look of your legs up to at least your t)(ig)(s so I know w)(at your measurements and all of t)(at stuff. I guess if you )(ave any s)(orts t)(at could really )(elp. But t)(en again, land-dwellers aren’t as into fas)(ion as us sea-dwellers so I don’t know if you )(ave any s)(orts.”

“aCTUALLY, tHAT FRIEND YOU MENTIONED, GRIMaUXILIATRIX, iS FASHION-MINDED, aND SHE SENT ME A COUPLE OF CLOTHES. i'M PRETTY SURE SHE MIGHT HAVE SENT ME SOME SHORTS WITH THAT, bUT IT'LL TAKE SOME TIME TO CHANGE.”

“Do you t)(ink you could c)(ange faster if –Eridan )(elped you?” She looked towards Eridan, put on puppy eyes and quivered her lips in a manner that could make even the stoniest of trolls feel sympathy.

Eridan sighed and walked over to Tavros’s wheelchair and said, “OK, jeez, I’ll help him. You knoww I can’t resist that look.”

“T)(at’s w)(y I did it,” Feferi replied as Eridan wheeled Tavros to his respiteblock.

“Howw did that happen?” Eridan asked to no one as he closed the door.

“hOW DID WHAT HAPPEN?” Tavros asked back, moving his wheelchair to his closet and searching for Kanaya’s gift.

“Howw is it that I’vve knowwn fef practically since wwe came out of the trials, and the closest I’vve gotten to red wwith her wwas wwhen ter held up some of that kissin plant over us, but you’vve knowwn her for 15 fuckin minutes,” Eridan turned to look at Tavros “and she’s flushed for you?”

Tavros whipped his head around and asked, “wHAT DID YOU SAY,”

Eridan sighed and replied, “You heard me. Come on, you think I can be moirails wwith fef for 8 swweeps and not know wwhen she’s flushed for someone?” He glared at Tavros, who froze under the stare, then continued, “And don’t think I didn’t catch you lookin at her like that.”

In Tavros’s head, the gears clicked. Before he could stop himself, he said, “sO, yOU PITY HER TOO. aND NOT JUST LIKE A MOIRAIL DOES.”

Eridan scoffed and said, “No shit. Only for eight fuckin swweeps. I’ve knowwn legit red relationships that havve lasted less than my pathetic crush on her. And that’s wwhy I’m tellin you this.” His glare subsided, and his face took on a gentler look, “I’vve had my chance and I bleww it. Wwhoa, let me help you wwith that.” Eridan moved to Tavros, who was currently trying to wiggle his way out of his pants.

Tavros allowed Eridan to do so, then began squirming his way into the shorts. As he did so, another revelation hit him and he asked, “bUT THAT’S NOT THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS, rIGHT?”

Eridan looked surprised, but composed himself before replying, “You’re seein right through me. Am I really that obvvious? No, don’t answwer that. But yeah, if I can’t be red then I guess I just gotta be the best fuckin moirail she could havve. And also, it’s a wway to pay her back for remindin vvris how despicable I really am,” Eridan chuckled at the last part and looked off into space.

A faint alarm went off in Tavros’s head from that name, but he ignored it and thought about what Eridan was saying. He lowered his head and said, “ok, fINE, i BELIEVE YOU.” Eridan snapped back to the current situation and raised an eyebrow, “bUT EVEN IF i’M FLUSHED FOR HER, aND EVEN IF fEFERI’S FLUSHED FOR ME, hOW AM i GOING TO DO THIS? i MEAN, SHE’S GONNA BE THE eMPRESS, aND i’M JUST A CRIPPLED BROWN BLOOD.”

Eridan put his face in his palm and responded, “OK, first off, you should havve got by noww that fef’s not a normal empress. She doesn’t care about that hemospectrum hoofbeast shit. Second, just followw my advvice to fef back there, and just go wwith the floww and do wwhat feels right. If there’s anythin I knoww about romance, that’s it.” And with that, he opened the door.

“Finally!” Feferi exclaimed as she jumped up from the seat, “W)(y were you guys talking so muc)( in t)(ere?”

Eridan looked from Feferi to Tavros and back again, before replying with a wink, “Oh, nothin. Just bein a good moirail.”

Feferi gave a confused look, but still walked over to Tavros, commenting, “)(ey Tavros, you look pretty good in s)(orts!” Tavros only blushed in reply and looked over to Eridan, who seemed content, if still a little disappointed with the situation. Feferi pulled out a measuring tape and took various lengths, widths, and circumferences.

While taking the circumference of Tavros's calf, she began talking again, “You’ll only get t)(e best treatment there is, and t)(e best robotics too! But, I )(ave to warn you, the guy w)(o makes these t)(ings is kinda weird, and )(e mig)(t be a little mean to you because of your blood.” She looked up into Tavros’s face and gave a grin, “T)(at’s anot)(er t)(ing I’m intending on fixing in t)(is empire.”

Tavros returned the smile, and then it seemed Feferi was done. She packed up her papers and measuring tape. “Well then, t)(anks a lot for being suc)(a great first try at t)(is t)(ing, Tavros! In fact,” she added with a wink, “I t)(ink I mig)(t come back to cull you more often!”

“i'D LIKE THAT, fEFERI. oR MAYBE IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CULLING. yOU CAN VISIT ME ANYTIME.” Tavros replied, and she walked out of his door. Eridan followed, and, to Tavros, said

“Don’t screww this up. She is quite the catch, after all,” With that he closed the door. As they left, Tavros looked up in his wheelchair and asked himself, tHE eMPRESS. rEALLY?

No, it most definitely was not an ordinary day for Tavros.

AN:

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Really, the main thing that I'm worried about here, as usual, is the ending. I can never seem to make the ending... well, end conclusively. It feels disappointing, and not like much of a conclusion at all.

Comments/suggestions would be much appreciated, as would pointed out errors.

I liked this! The only errors I saw were that part of Tavros's thoughts at the beginning wasn't italicized and brown, and that Tavros was using punctuation other than commas. Although since it was spoken words, maybe that second one was intentional?

Anyway, good fic best Nepetacopter.

Yeah, I changed the quirks so as to improve readability.

[Domoz]

Okay I thought it would be worth saying that I did some Drabble-y things on AO3 so I will link them here:

Living Life-(more Eridan stuff from me because that's all I write)
Bubbles-(Okay this one's about John sue me)

[SkaianRedeemer]

I actually do remember that fic, mythmonster!

[SilverKunama]

Has anybody congratulated PingZing yet on becoming kinda canon? :P

Ohey I should probably go finish reading Hot Blooded now huh...

[Shinji Shazaki]

I have finished chapter four of Resolution Dissolution in a flurry I haven't had in a long while. I love these characters.

Here's the AO3 formatted version.
And here's the DA link.

And, in spoiler tags, are the notes I gave on both sites.

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AO3:
I? I, good readers, have been knighted as a Drama Whore of the First Order. This is a special state, and it is one that I have long been away from. It is with greatest, deepest pleasure that I return to it and find it most accommodating to my return. I live here, though I am known to exercise my dual knighthood as a Fluffy Fool, First Class. For now, I take up my pen-sword and head into the fray of the wild woods.

I love every last little thing of this chapter. Every. Single. Thing.

DA:
Oh, this chapter.

I started writing it immediately after finishing chapter three, because the pesterlog at the start just bit me really hard. It's part of the reason I finished chapter three where I did--this was pushing really hard at me.

This was mostly completed in three large rushes, using little launching points I wrote during work breaks. The reason? Partly because I had a moment where I pondered something driving to work and it changed eighty percent of the character motivations and concepts I had, and partly because holy hell these kids. Their dialogue. It didn't ever stop. I love them to death, and it gets better with each line they say.

If a gun was held to my head, I'd say Vita was the most fun to work with here. She's such a hippie. But each of them were just great sports to me about how they act and what they're like. It's really coming together for everyone. This is damn fun.

Enjoy.

[anonymousComrade]

Has anybody congratulated PingZing yet on becoming kinda canon? :P

Ohey I should probably go finish reading Hot Blooded now huh...

Way ahead of you, chief

Now to see if I can somehow salvage my own series

[Raikonos]

Hey, is there any rule against spreading a fic over two posts? Because I'm not even done this thing, and it's already at over 47,000 characters. And that's not even counting the formatting tags that it'll definitely have in abundance. I'll see if maybe I can stuff it into one post, but it's looking unlikely.

[Twigwise]

Nah, no rule at all! Just be sure to title it, like, FictionStuck part 1 or something.

[Raikonos]

Alright, thanks.

[Rook]

Welp. First time writing a fan fiction for anything ever over here. Wrote up a quick Problem Sleuth/Midnight Crew crossover thing. Not much else to say on the matter.

Problem Sleuth/Midnight Crew Crossover thing

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The thing about guilt is how very debilitating it can be. Those suffering from an acute guilt, the sort of guilt that can lead a man to wander the streets aimlessly at an ungodly hour, can find themselves deep in a pit of doubt, worry, and self loathing. People suffering from an extreme amount of guilt in this manner may stoically bear their hardships, bottling it up inside until it pops in the form of a violent outburst or a pistol discharge down one's own throat. Problem Sleuth was not one of these people. When he feels that familiar feeling of gnawing regret begin to well up inside, he goes and lets it out in a way that doesn't end with someone splattered all over a cheap apartment's wall. He had to vent, he knew that much. The problem was finding someone to vent to. He couldn't talk to his colleagues about it, that would be unprofessional. He couldn't speak to his Dame about it, all those inner doubts and personal feelings poring out of a man as hard-boiled as Sleuth might make her Hysterical. In the end, he decided to take his issues somewhere less personal, somewhere quieter, somewhere relatively safe.

As Sleuth approached the little chapel nestled in between a speakeasy and a building he was fairly sure was inhabited by no less then three squatters, he took a moment to read the sign. Hallowed Brother's Midnight Confession Booths: Open Sundays and Wednesdays between the hours of 10:00 P.M. To 4 A.M. The blinking neon lights were accented by some sickeningly saccharine imagery, the sort of stuff you'd expect on a kid's doodles. It was all hearts, rainbows, and little winged imps playing trumpets back and forth like it was a god damned parade or something. Despite Sleuth's reservations with the sign, he walked right on in. Sleuth wasn't much for the worship of deities, but he didn't really think that mattered much. He had something to say, and if this 'Hallowed Brother' was willing to listen then who was he to turn down a service.

Sleuth took in the inside of the rundown little chapel's interior as he stepped inside. The walls were covered in wallpaper of such horrifically poor taste that had he not been so desperate for consolation, Sleuth would have turned around and walked right back out the door. It was a mural of ethnic diversity, or so Sleuth assumed. It was extremely hard to tell exactly what the hell all those multicolored stick figures were. As Sleuth quietly stepped over to the door labeled 'Confessions', he noted to himself how nobody in the whole damn city seemed able to paint a mural of ethnic diversity any more, and he felt a pang of regret at the decline of so noble an art form.

Sleuth entered the next room cautiously. The new room had no remarkably terrible wall papering, or any wall paper at all. It was a bare, brick room with two little doors with two little signs above them. Ignoring the door labeled 'Confessor', he turned attention to the other. It was a plain, wooden door of dubious quality, just like the other one, with a little sign reading 'Occupied'. Judging by the lack of light emanating from the little sign, he gathered that the room was not currently in use. Turning the handle on the door, he discovered another, even smaller room. There was a tinny little booth, a stained red curtain, and a tiny coin slot reading 'ALMS'. Grumbling, Sleuth drew a coin from his pocket and placed it in. Immediately, he heard a click, and the curtain drew back. Behind it was another barrier. This time, it was made of wicker. Through the cracks he could barely perceive the form of the man he assumed to be the proprietor of the establishment.

“PEACE BE WITH YOU MY SON” rang the man's low, booming voice. Sleuth cringed a little bit, before settling into his seat. He coughed slightly.

“And, uh, peace be with you, er, father?” he replied, ending the greeting on a high, questioning tone, as he was frankly unsure of how to refer to the man behind the vale.

“BROTHER WILL DO FINE.” the man grunted, as if reading Sleuth's mind. Sleuth took a deep breath, and began to relate his sins to the mysterious holy man. He started with the small stuff; the lies he told as part of his job, the people he hurt doing his job, and the public property damage that occurred as a result of his job. As the confession wore on, he got more specific. He started talking about certain cases of the past, about hearts he had broken, and about men he had killed. Every now and again the holy man interjected with a commentary, and Sleuth had to admit that the occasional input served to help ease his conscience. Eventually, he got to the events of the previous night.

“It was a missing item case from a dame with a fat wallet. She'd lost a family heirloom to a bank robbery, and there was no way in hell she'd be able to get the bank to accept liability, not in any court. She said the police were anything but helpful, and she suspected that they might be crooked.” Sleuth paused for a second, as the two of them shared a laugh at the flatfooted dame's naivety.

Sleuth continued, “She wanted me to track down the robbers, and to get the heirloom back. Well, it took some snooping, but I tracked them alright. Found the hideout they were using to stash the goods. I was able to sneak in and nab the item, but on the way out, one of them caught me.” Sleuth paused again, letting out a deep breath.
“I ran fast as I could, with the four of them tailing me spewing lead faster then you'd believe.”

The brother interjected briefly with a question, "IS THERE SOMETHING YER NOT TELLIN ME? THIS DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ANYTHIN TO FRET OVER.”

Sleuth paused for a moment, and chuckled darkly, “Well, I guess you're right brother. The thing that really eats at me is, a lot of bystanders got hurt while I was running away. Some poor saps got peppered so bad you could barely tell whether they were prospitian or dersite at all.”

There was a long pause. After what seemed like an eternity, the holy man asked a question, “WHILE I GET THAT YAH FEEL BAD FER THE POOR BASTARDS, I DON'T GET WHY YER FEELIN RESPONSIBLE.”

“Well padre,” Sleuth responded, intentionally invoking an incorrect title for humorous purposes, “I feel I'm kinda to blame for that over the top retaliation. Truth be told, the heirloom wasn't really worth much but sentimental value. But ya see, I knew these bastards, and they sure as hell knew me. Those god damned mobsters were hellbent on settling a few scores, and they didn't give a damn if a few innocents got in the way. I remember Slick yelling-”

The Holy man cut him off mid sentence, “SLICK? SPADE'S SLICK?”

Sleuth cocked an eyebrow and responded with a yes.

There was another pause.

“SLEUTH?”

Suddenly, it dawned on Problem Sleuth that the voice from behind the veil was not entirely unknown to him. He hadn't noticed it in the poor spirits he had been in upon his arrival, but now everything was piecing itself together in his mind at a breakneck pace.

“...Boxcars? Hearts Boxcars?”

He heard a roar of fury and had barely a moment to duck before Boxcar's huge, chitinous fist flew through the delicate wicker wall, and imbedded itself in the less flimsy wall where sleuth had been resting his head.

“SLEUUUUTH!” Boxcars screamed in anger. Sleuth barley managed to tuck and roll out of the tiny booth before Boxcars pulled out his hairpin and began filling the space Sleuth had been standing with lead. As he barged his was through the two cluttered rooms he had walked through to get in, he heard Boxcars drawing his battleaxe and continuing to scream Sleuth's name.

Sleuth barreled out the front door, and made his way down the street as fast as he could. Boxcars pursued him for a while, still shouting his name, but Sleuth was much faster, and Boxcars really didn't have much of a chance of catching him. Eventually, he ducked into an alley and waited as Boxcars went roaring by, screaming bloody murder. As Sleuth slumped behind a dumpster, trying very hard to catch his breath, a wide grin settled itself on his face and he began to chuckle softly between ragged breaths. In spite of the extremely volatile turn of events that had prematurely concluded his confession, he couldn't help but feel satisfied with himself. He had gotten his troubles off of his chest, and what's more he had given Boxcars a pretty impressive mess to clean up at his crappy little chapel. He also couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculously colorful robes Boxcars had been wearing. As Sleuth ducked out of the alley, he just couldn't stop thinking of Boxcars running around town until the crack of dawn in those colorful Nigerian robes, swinging his ax and screaming into the night. The idea made Sleuth smile as he began the long trudge home.

Notes:

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Well that was extremely silly. I've had an idea similiar to this washing around in my head for some time, ever since I saw that 'Club's Deuce's Homework' Video which reminded me of just how religious Boxcars was. The main thing that bother me about the passage was writing Sleuth. I felt I could have done a better job portraying him in character. Well, practice makes perfect, and I have the intention of trying my hand at more of this fanfiction stuff in the forseeable future

Well, hope you guys could garner a bit of an enjoyment from that.

Comments and Critiques are appreciated and eagerly awaited.

[X15lm204]

Though it has been two months, upon careful examination I have been able to determine that I am not, in fact, dead, and neither is Kcutsemoh.

Kcutsemoh Part 2 Chapter 1
In which Karkat laments the fact that the Game seems to attract only complete lunatics as players, and his first moments as leader of all the trolls don't go exactly how he hoped.

Next Chapter - Midnight Crew: Boggle vacantly at these shenanigans.

oh good i only have twenty pages to catch up on this time

[anonymousComrade]

So uh

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on Of All This Blind Ambition

Truth be told, I was kind of starting to get burnt out on writing fics (I mean geez, there's only so much ground I can cover with Karkat/Terezi stories and hating three consecutive chapters of Re: Champion immediately after writing them is all kinds of draining), but I saw that prompt and could not let it go unfilled, and apparently a few people liked the results! I mean seriously, some people said they teared up while reading it and the idea that I was able to provoke a response like that makes me all aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that's amazing

Of course, now I will forever be striving to top it and failing miserably, but eh

In short, I love you guys

[ArmsAreLoud]

So yeah

Vriska Karkat apparently only works in my head like this

And needs a 1500 word explanation to be even somewhat plausible.

R&R, I guess. ArmsAreLoud presents...

DOUBLE D8ING

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"JOHN, THIS IS BULL AND YOU KNOW IT."

"Oh, come on, Karkat! Lighten up! It'll be fun!"

"NO JOHN, IT WON'T BE. DATING VRISKA IS THE WORST IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HAD AND NOW YOU ARE DRAGGING ME INTO IT."

"Karkat, you remem8er that I'm standing right here, right?"

"YES. I DON'T CARE."

"H3H3H3."

I don't know what is going on in that stupid little nooksniffer's head, but now he's dragging me into it. First off, double dating is a stupid idea to begin with and I would like to bite the head off of whatever idiot human came up with the concept. Secondly, by pairing up with me and Terezi he is putting the two Scourge Sisters together. In a romantic setting. With two boys there to impress. And buckets to fill at some point, if they haven't already. I try not to think about it.

Does he really not expect them to be fanning the flames of their hate all night? Probably not. I'm beginning to think that he's about as autistic as Nepeta was. Or is, I guess. Freaking Nepeta, crashing my bubble every gog damn time I go to sleep. Does she not understand that she is freaking me out?

Anyways, yeah. Me, Terezi, John, Vriska. Alone at a romantic dinner. There's pretty much no way this isn't going to go terribly.

"Alright everyone, we're here!"

"Wow, John, you really outdid yourself this time!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS IS THE ONLY RESTAURANT IN THE ENTIRE CITY. WE GO HERE EVERY TIME WE 'EAT OUT', HE CAN'T HAVE OUTDONE HIMSELF."

"Oh just shut up Karkat."

"Will you two quit fighting?"

"Y3S VR1SK4, STOP B31NG SO N4UGHTY. 1 MUST NOW D34L OUT PUN1SHM3NT F1TT1NG FOR YOUR CR1M3!"

"What are you talking a8out Karkat starte-8W! TEREZ8!!!!!!!!"

"H3H3H3."

Yep, pinched her rump. Classic Terezi move. Blackrom via embarassment. As soon as she said "naughty" I knew exactly where this was heading. Targeted her right hand without really thinking about it, following it down to the act.

Huh, Vriska's been getting more curvy. Pretty ample hind bosom back there. I can see why Terezi is always oh gog what am I saying. OK, yeah, moving on.

Anyways, the joint (literally THE joint; the only joint in town because it's still just what is left of us that is running everything) we are eating at is called the Sultry Tentacle. Sounds more like a brothel than anything else but it's about as high-class as you can get with one waitress and one cook, both of which are like nine sweeps old. Rose should have known that letting her brother pick the name was a bad idea, but I suspect that the part of her that still reads his old SBAHJ comics thinks it is funny. Shame, really, I would have expected more of her.

"Hello Welcome To The Sultry Tentacle My Name Is Kanaya And I Will Be Your Waitress For Today"

"KANAYA, WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR SWEEPS. WE ARE MOIRAILS FOR GOG'S SAKE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF EVERY GOG DAMN TIME WE EAT HERE."

"Well Karkat I Suppose You May Be Correct However Proper Protocol Indicates That Introducing Yourself By Name To A Customer Garners Friendliness And Encourages Tips"

"YEAH, AND SO DOES STRIPPING NAKED AND DANCING ON THE TABLE. DOESN'T MEAN I EXPECT YOU TO DO IT."

"Hey, I wouldn't compl8in."

"SERIOUSLY VRISKA? SERIOUSLY? I AM TRYING TO DO SOME MOIRAIL WORK HERE IF YOU COULD JUST BACK OFF THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC."

"Vriska Such Comments Make Me Uncomfortable You Know That And Also You Are On A Date Arent You Isnt It Unseemly To Be Openly Flirtatious With Other People While Currently In A Relationship"

"Oh yeah. Right. Oh well, he's worth it."

"I'm sitting right here, Vriska."

"I knoooooooow, geez! OK, lessee here........ I think I'm going to get the calamari fettuccini. It sounds pretty gr8. Whatever it is."

"I Believe It Is A Type Of Pasta Served With Miniature Cuttlefish For Flavor I Am Not Really Sure Rose Does All The Cooking"

"HEY, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD. I'LL TAKE IT."

"W8, what? No way! I'm already 8uying it!"

"You can't take the same meal as someone else, Karkat. It's like, against the rules!"

"TELL ME WHO MADE THIS BULLSHIT RULE SO I MAY RIP HIS THROAT OUT AND FEED IT TO THE DEAD SOUL OF VRISKA'S LUSUS."

"Please don't make this a big deal, Karkat. Maybe you could get something else, and then you two could share the meals? That way you both get to try something new!"

"8ut Joooooooohn, I don't want to share with him!"

"DO IT VRISKA."

That's... quite the evil eye you've got there, John. Damn, he must be really determined to have a great time this evening. Vriska readily complied of course.

Foods all here. Took a good twenty minutes longer than it should have, but that's typical with this restaurant; Rose just drags Kanaya to some obscure little corner of the restaurant and starts up with her tongue with the express purpose of pissing off her customers. One of these days I will get Kanaya to stop melting at everything Rose says. It's unhealthy.

I imagined that eating off the same plate as Vriska would be annoying, but I didn't really expect it to be this... awkward. We had to scoot our chairs closer to make sure we were both able to eat the calimari (OH GOG THIS IS SO DELICIOUS) which pretty much separated us from our respective dates immediately. John and Terezi apparently have a bunch to talk about (most of it being about me). Vriska and I are pretty much just eating. I swear I'm just trying to make sure I get more of this delicious squid than she does.

Wow, her eyes are really pretty. Or eye, I guess. She's been growing out her hair in the front to cover up her eightfold eye. Rumor mill says that some of the toddlers from the ecto lab thought she looked weird. Her other eye is... actually kinda pretty. Nice blue hue oh gog I am doing it again EAT KARKAT EAT STOP THINKING AND EAT.

I think my face is getting hot. Please tell me I'm not blushing.

"K4RK4T WHY 4R3 YOU BLUSH1NG?"

OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COULD HAVE NOTICED.

"UMM. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU, DEAR. YEAH. ABOUT THAT THING ON THE HOT-AIR BALLOON."

"H3H3H3. TH4T W4S PR3TTY HOT, W4SN'T 1T?"

"Uuuuuuuugh, are you two SERIOUSLY talking a8out this ag8in? Terezi, just 8ecause it looks kind of like a 8ucket does not in fact m8ke it a 8ucket! And I know for a fact that nothing actually happened in there! Quit 8ragging!!!!!!!!"

And here comes the moment everybody has been waiting for. Tonight's catfight. The two are at each other's throats in minutes. John initially attempts to get them away from each other, but he eventually realizes that the best way to minimize damages to all involved is to just let them beat the shit out of each other.

Terezi pushes Vriska. Vriska spins in my direction. I put my hands up to block the incoming projectile.

Holy shit. These are a lot bigger than Terezi's. Speaking of which, Terezi's looking at me. And she looks kind of furious.

"UMMM... I... I THINK I'M GOING TO GO OVER THERE FOR A WHILE. YEAH. GONNA GO OVER THERE."

Nothing left to do but run, I guess. Eventually I stop because my cardio is absolutely abysmal. I look directly behind me, waiting to see if Terezi is there to slit my throat. Fortunately, I see no one.

I raise my head to curse Gog and see a winged bitch floating above me. She looks nervous. Shit.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE."

"I told Terezi I was going to kick you in the sh8me glo8es for groping me."

"WELL ARE YOU? IT WOULD BE A PRETTY FITTING END TO THE NIGHT'S FESTIVITIES, DON'T YOU THINK? GO ON, DO IT. RIGHT IN THE CROTCH. I'M SURE IT'LL BE A GREAT STRESS RELIEVER."

"Karkat, I am not going to kick you in the sh8me glo8es."

"WELL THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE."

She's landing. She kicks some gravel around for a bit and scratches her head. I don't think I've ever seen her this flustered.

"You know, John won't even touch me until we're old enough to 8e married. I don't even know what that means!"

Marriage. From what little I could gather in my research it's basically just telling everyone "yes, we are matesprits, now fuck off" in an overly grand ceremony. And apparently it's taboo to do it before you are... I guess the troll equivalent would be ten? I dunno, I'm still shaky on the exact numbers.

"I've 8een attached to the guy since we met. I don't think he's ever done anything more than kiss me. It's kind of getting 8oring. I guess what I'm saying is that I maaaaaaaay just have enjoyed that little event more than I pro8a8ly should have."

Oh boy, here we go. This cannot end well.

"OK, SO YOU ARE BORED WITH JOHN. THAT IS ESTABLISHED. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU IMPLYING HERE."

"We're still pretty young, Karkat. I mean........ Would it 8e really all that cr8zy if we tried out a rel8ionship? I don't even expect it to 8e particularly permanent, just, I guess we could try it out and see where it takes us?"

...

Why am I considering this.

"OK. LET'S JUST PRETEND FOR A MOMENT THAT I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER OF PROBABLY-BUT-MAYBE-NOT-YOU-NEVER-KNOW TEMPORARY MATESPRITSHIP. HAVE YOU EVEN THOUGHT OF WHAT TEREZI AND JOHN WILL DO."

"I was kind of hoping that if we left them alone long enough they would hit it off. They were certainly enjoying each other's company at the d8."

This is just crazy enough to work.

"OH WHAT THE FUCK. I'M IN."

"Yes!!!!!!!! Let's 8olt!"

[lucidSeraph]

Alright, thanks.

If you like I can procure an Ao3 invite for you, so you can put your stuff up there? I can even help you out with the whole custom tag things.

[catastrophicGenesis]

So yeah

Vriska Karkat apparently only works in my head like this

And needs a 1500 word explanation to be even somewhat plausible.

R&R, I guess. ArmsAreLoud presents...

DOUBLE D8ING

show spoiler

hide spoiler

You're right about the lack of fluff, but it made me smile. And, okay, giggle a little as well.

Bad night = less bad =3 Thanks.

[Raikonos]

Welp. This one got done a lot quicker than the other parts. Please pretend that I am actually future Raikonos, so that I can still feel justified in hating myself for not writing in an expedient fashion.

Anyway, here's the third and final part of this thing, which I am now retroactively titling Iteration. god thats a dumb title

(Split over two posts because HUEG. Author's notes in the second post.)

show spoiler

hide spoiler

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: alright
TG: ive got the quills and im at the beat mesa
TG: im about to do the dumbest thing ive ever done
TG: and then im about to have never done it at all
TT: It’s probably best if we don’t talk.
TG: god damn rose that has to be the coldest thing youve ever said to me
TG: and thats fucking saying something
TT: Sorry.
TG: sure
TT: I really am.
TT: I just don’t want any of us to have second thoughts about this.
TG: yeah
TG: yeah i know
TG: i just figured i should say goodbye to everyone before i erase myself from history
TG: gettin mad sentimental up in here
TT: You won’t be erased.
TT: There will be a you. But he won’t be... you, precisely.
TG: what the fuck is that supposed to mean
TG: you know what
TG: nevermind
TG: i dont even care
TG: im tired of this bullshit

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

///

-- gaianGearhead [GG] began pestering talentedThaumaturge [TT] --

GG: rose
GG: are you there??
TT: Yeah.
TT: What’s up?
GG: you know whats up
TT: :\
TT: Yeah.
TT: Sorry.
GG: i think im starting to have second thoughts
GG: i went to the atom point like dave said
GG: and ive got the neutron rifle
GG: but
GG: oh god im so scared!
GG: like i dont even care about hiding it anymore
TT: Jade.
TT: Jade, it’ll be okay.
TT: Dave seems to know what he’s talking about.
TT: I trust him.
GG: no its not that
GG: im sure he does
GG: thats what im afraid of!!
GG: i do this and then we never existed
GG: just
GG: poof gone
TT: Are you sure?
GG: well
GG: dave said something about there being another jade
GG: and bringing my bro back
TT: :(
GG: but i dunno it just seems kind of like a shot in the dark
GG: and the new jade wont be me anyway so what do i care??
TT: That new Jade might be Earth’s chance to create a universe.
GG: yeah
GG: i know
GG: but still
GG: christ its cold out here
GG: my fingers are numb and my hands are shaking
GG: if i miss im not sure if i could bring myself to fire again
TT: It’s up to you.
TT: If you can’t do it, then we’ll just have to find another way to win!
GG: no
GG: this is the only way apparently
TT: Pff, what does Dave know?
GG: i hope the new rose is as confident as you are
TT: I just hope we’re all still friends.
GG: come on rose
GG: some things just CANT change
TT: :)
GG: anyway
GG: here goes everything

-- gaianGearhead [GG] ceased pestering talentedThaumaturge [TT] --

///

-- eternalBeatdown [EB] began pestering guidanceGradient [GG] --

EB: oh fuck oh fuck.
EB: jade!
EB: jade are you there!?
GG: yes
GG: whats wrong?
EB: oh don’t even start with that shit.
EB: you know EXACTLY what’s wrong.
GG: well okay
GG: other than your usual land issues and the fact that two of our friends are fighting jack noir on the other side of locas whats wrong??
EB: you don’t even know.
EB: you have that crystal fucking ball and you just don’t fucking know.
EB: maybe you can see the green lightning flashing on the horizon while i stand here gawking at the spectre edifice, AKA the un-doom-o-matic.
EB: but you can’t possibly feel the ground rumbling from the fight going on on the other side of the planet.
EB: you can’t hear jack’s sword cleaving through the gears from miles away because, oh yeah, he hits that fucking hard apparently.
GG: john
EB: and screw you, the absolute silence needs to be mentioned again because FUCK i hate this land.
EB: i don’t know what that one troll was complaining about, i’d take the land of ichor and fury in an instant over this shit.
EB: i never thought i could be angry at darkness of all things, but holy shit sburb changed my mind on that one pretty fast!
GG: john!
GG: youre acting way too bitter!
GG: get it together!!
EB: oh yeah, real nice, way to be supportive in my time of...
EB: okay yeah sorry.
EB: i kind of flew off the handle there.
EB: it’s like i was just sitting on the handle all chill, no worries, and then jack noir teleported out of nowhere like three feet away and i just fucking BOLTED and oh god i’m doing it again.
EB: okay.
EB: alright, i’m chill now.
GG: really?
EB: no not really.
EB: but i’ll try to calm down a bit.
GG: good
GG: so you made it to the spectre edifice
EB: i’m sure you can see me, no need to ask.
GG: i didnt
GG: that was a statement
EB: oh.
EB: okay anyway yes i am at the doom thingy.
GG: alright
GG: now i have no idea how it works
GG: so can you figure it out?
EB: haha, oh man.
EB: it’s fucking whack-a-mole.
GG: are you serious?
EB: dead serious.
GG: goddamnit sburb
EB: anyway, bye forever i guess.
EB: or maybe that’s not accurate, but fuck it i don’t care let’s just get this over with.
GG: wow really?
GG: i kind of thought youd be a bit more hesitant!
EB: why?
EB: if we had any alternatives before, we sure as fuck don’t now.
EB: rose and dave are almost certainly dead or dying, and i could be telestabbed at literally any moment.
EB: i have absolutely no reason not to do this right now.
GG: okay well
GG: uh
EB: no time for last words
EB: just hammers

-- eternalBeatdown [EB] ceased pestering guidanceGradient [GG] --

///

-- tailoredTonality [TT] began pestering tropicalGamer [TG] --

TT: Dave, I just wanted to remind you one last time that this is all your fault.
TG: come on rose
TG: youve been on my ass about this for the whole game
TG: does it even matter anymore
TT: It won’t after I’m done here, but as long as this timeline exists I am going to make sure you know you’re the stupidest person in it.
TT: I mean, how the fuck did you manage to detonate a volcano?
TG: uh isnt that what volcanos do
TG: i mean that seems like pretty standard procedure for a volcano
TT: Haha, no.
TT: First, that was a dormant volcano.
TT: And second, you DETONATED it.
TT: It didn’t erupt, it exploded!
TG: ive told you already
TG: i figured i could skip the boring forge sidequest by getting bec to ignite it for me
TT: Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.
TG: well i know that now
TT: Figures, the one piece of advice I give you that you actually follow and you still manage to screw it up somehow.
TT: Just
TT: Goddamnit Harley.
TG: i said i was sorry
TT: No you didn’t.
TG: well it was implied
TG: so are you about to do the scratch or what
TG: is this it
TT: I’ve actually been at the Tangle Tapestry for a while.
TT: A little bit of last-minute studying, I guess you could call it.
TT: I think I have an idea how the Scratch works now.
TG: oh really
TT: Yeah really.
TT: And this thing gave me some awful, terrible news.
TG: whats that
TT: The next iteration of you will be the one with the ability to cause the Scratch in the next timeline.
TG: so
TG: this is pointless then
TG: the next one will just have another scratch
TT: No, that just means that you’ll be the one in charge of performing the act if it needs to be done.
TT: It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll fuck up like we did.
TG: oh
TT: Anyway, I’ve been taking some precautions to give the next guys a better chance than we got.
TT: Like keeping their players from blowing up game-critical things.
TG: :\
TG: wait
TG: what kind of precautions
TT: Well, you know how Jade got me that knitting kit?
TG: yeah
TT: And I mentioned this is a tapestry.
TG: oh no
TT: Oh yes.
TG: do you even know if this will work
TT: Nope.
TT: But if anyone could figure it out, it’s the Seer of Time.
TT: Anyway, this is it.
TG: well
TG: good luck
TT: To all of us.
TG: i hope whatever you did to that thing works out
TT: Me too.
TT: All I can hope for is a universe where we’re all still bros.
TG: :)
TT: And one that has a Dave who isn’t excruciatingly retarded.
TG: >:(

-- tailoredTonality [TT] ceased pestering tropicalGamer [TG] --

///

twistedGenome [TG] began trolling endlesslyBroken [EB]

TG: hey
TG: hey jahan
EB: what’s up brother?
EB: :)
TG: god you got creepy fast
EB: where are you, daiiv?
EB: jack’s out there, we should team up.
TG: haha no
TG: im not falling for any of that
TG: you know where i am and i know youre a murderous psychopath suddenly
EB: :(
EB: you know, you’re kind of taking the fun out of this.
TG: i dont even get why youre going all murdermode on us
EB: come on bro, you know i’ve got ancestral obligations.
TG: no not that
TG: well okay i dont understand that either
TG: but i meant that weve got bigger priorities right now
TG: like jack fucking noir
EB: well, we’re doomed anyway.
EB: no escape.
EB: i figure i might as well go out with honor.
TG: yeah see
TG: this is exactly what i dont need
TG: you went crazy with whatever this is
TG: roheze went crazy talking to the slithery tentacle gods
TG: and i dont even know where jaiid went
TG: did you kill her
TG: im past the point of even caring im just curious
EB: no, actually.
EB: i haven’t killed a single person yet! :(
EB: wait, do carapace chess guys count?
EB: i kind of just thought of them as practice.
EB: anyway, maybe roheze got her.
TG: god
TG: everyone is a freak but me
TG: i was actually trolling you to ask if you snapped out of it so we could have one last brochat but i guess not
TG: i am going to be so glad when i scratch this clusterfuck out of existence
EB: ooooh, so you’re at the beat mesa!
TG: dont even try to play that shit
TG: we both know you knew i was here
TG: you just want me to think itll take you longer to get here so im unprepared
EB: :|
EB: wow, you’re good at this!
EB: well, whatever.
EB: i’m almost there.
EB: let’s see if i can get there before roheze and jack.
TG: im almost done here so fuck you
EB: what are you even doing?
EB: don’t you just scratch the thing?
TG: yeah if you want to do it right like a chump
TG: fuck that
TG: im taking out all my impotent rage on the next session
TG: and im signing it daiiv motherfucking stigandr
TG: uh oh theres a black shadow on the horizon
EB: yeah, i see it too.
TG: could be jack or roheze but who cares
EB: it’ll be a close one.
EB: get your stopwatch ready! :)
TG: nope
TG: im done here
TG: quills of echidna primed and ready
TG: just got one more thing to do before i end it
EB: photo finiiish!!

twistedGenome [TG] ceased trolling endlesslyBroken [EB]

twistedGenome [TG] began trolling twoAnomalies [TA]

TG: hey solomon
TG: i just wanted to say real quick
TA: huh?
TG: fuck you

twistedGenome [TG] blocked twoAnomalies [TA]

///

Your name is ERZAHN AMPOUL, and despite the fact that you have the most noble blood among all the trolls in your session (All the trolls still alivve, probably.), you can’t help but feel like you’re being worked against. Nobody shows you the proper respect for your indigo birthright. Everyone follows Johkat for some inexplicable reason. Blue blood may be somewhat respectable on its own, but his is polluted with a strange hue and there’s a goddamn seadweller in their midst! The worst part is that you seem to be the only one who isn’t in on "the Scratch plan". Even the goddamn humans are in on this shit. Apparently there was a whole memo about it, but fuck if you were invited. If you’d stuck around in Saiivux’s bullshit memo, maybe? Surely you should have at least been told what the Scratch is by now from your teammat-

Oh goddamnit the Earth cat girl is trolling you. What the hell does she want?

-- artsyContortionist [AC] began pestering calimariAbaddon [CA] --

AC: :3 * Hey
CA: Oh god, wwhat do you wwant?
AC: >:( * No need to be so rude!
AC: :3 * I just thought i should be the purrson that fills you in on the scratch thing
AC: :3 * Since appurrently nobody has told you yet
CA: Wwell fuckin FINALLY.
CA: It’s like nobody understands basic blood hierarchy.
AC: :| * Um, yeah
AC: :| * I don’t get that either
CA: Of course you don’t, you’re a fuckin human.
CA: I can’t realistically expect you to be civvilized.
CA: It’s the bastards ovver on my side wwho should knoww better.
AC: :3 * Well, i’m sure they’re glad to have you as a friend
CA: I don’t need friends, I need subordinates.
AC: :(
CA: Alright anywway.
CA: Tell me wwhat the Scratch is.
AC: :3 * Um
AC: :3 * Okay well i’m not very good at figuring out time stuff
AC: :3 * But basically our timelines are all screwed up because the guy from the last timeline messed with the scratch
AC: :3 * And dony is going to fix our scratch before he does it to make things better
AC: DX * Aaaagh i’m bad at explaining this!
CA: Yeah, a little bit.
AC: :( * How about i just invite you to that memo that anyira made?
AC: :3 * You won’t be able to post because it’s already been closed, but i guess reading it would help you more than i can
CA: Alright sure, wwhatevver.

-- artsyContortionist [AC] invited calimariAbaddon [CA] to private transtimeline bulletin board R0ad t0 the red0ing --

CA: Okay, wwell, thanks I guess.
AC: :3 * Sorry i couldn’t be meowr helpful

-- calimariAbaddon [CA] ceased pestering artsyContortionist [AC] --

Well, that was a bit less painful than you thought it would be. Time to find out what all the ruckus is about.

Oh. Oh shit.

Your name is ERZAHN AMPOUL, and you have some thinking to do.

~~~

Your name is DONY STRITOR, although sometimes you moonlight as DONY STRITOR but fuck that because Saiivux isn’t here to complain. Right now you’re in the LAND OF FLAME AND SYNAPSE trying to figure out how to read the Brain Mesa (Is that what thIs Is? reading?), with the help of your friend EQUIN ZEROKH. You also have the trolls’ Maid of Time, ANYIRA MENDIG, on Pesterchum, but right now there’s not much she can help with. You suppose you can find it in your enormous heart to forgive her for not being able to read the pattern in a brain by glancing at it. Just another of your many noble qualities.

TG: lIsten
TG: as much as I apprecIate you tryIng to help I dont thInk youll be able to do much untIl me and equIn crack thIs
TG: unless
TG: Is there a scratch thIngy in your land that you could look at
AA: I think s0, but Jack is still skulking ab0ut.
AA: He may have destr0yed it already.
TG: the thIngy
AA: The planet.
TG: oh
TG: ok well
TG: just keep lookIng over that fIle rose gave us and see If you can fIgure that out
AA: Alright.

absenteeApparition [AA] ceased trolling technoGearshift [TG]

Alright, back to business.

DONY: hey equIn
DONY: hows It goIng up there
EQUIN: -|==> i will admit
EQUIN: -|==> somehow i thought this w001d be simpler than it is
DONY: you thought braIn scIence would be sImple
EQUIN: -|==> simpler
DONY: so how fucked does that mean we are
DONY: because I know right now daIIv Is probably laughIng hIs ass off and I kInd of want to put that douchebag In hIs place
EQUIN: -|==> i didn’t say that i had made no progress whatsoever
EQUIN: -|==> despite the comple%ity of this task, i think it should be doable
DONY: oh
DONY: well why dIdnt you just say that
EQUIN: -|==> i have been up here for a solid half hour while you talked to anyira
EQUIN: -|==> i believe i should be allowed to vent my ve%ations
DONY: god what Is It wIth you and x words
DONY: okay anyway what have you got
EQUIN: -|==> actually this IS a little bit simpler than it appears to be
EQUIN: -|==> i was worried that this w001d require manip001ation on a cellular level
EQUIN: -|==> but it appears that the brains in your land are just rough appro%imations, not the real thing
DONY: what does that mean
EQUIN: -|==> well for one thing, they can’t actually think
EQUIN: -|==> their structure is homogenous, it doesn’t differ based on brain, or even throughout the same brain
EQUIN: -|==> the only thing that you need to 100k at is the macro-scale constru%ion of the mesa
EQUIN: -|==> the grooves and ridges on its surface
DONY: okay
DONY: thanks bro
DONY: although thIs stIll seems kInd of stupId ImpossIble unless I have some idea of
what Im lookIng for

absenteeApparition [AA] began trolling technoGearshift [TG]

AA: D0ny, I think I’ve figured it 0ut.

DONY: speak of the devIl

~~~

Your name is TAVRAM NIETRO, and you’re beginning to feel like dead weight. You’ve looked over Anyira’s memo a few times now, and even took a shot at figuring out Rose’s Scratch pattern file. Suffice it to say that you couldn’t make heads nor scratched heads of it. Maybe you could try talking to Anyira? But she’s busy helping Dony right now. Your brave leader instead? Actually, come to think of it, you haven’t seen Johkat or Saiivux for a while. At this point you’ve basically given up on trying to be useful, at least for the time being (better NOT LET VISKRI SEE ME SLACKING OFF,). Might as well open up Trollian and chat with your best motherfuckin moirail. You just need to chill out for a little bit, you gues-

Oh, Janya’s not online right now. Crud. Might as well talk to your human bro, then.

abjuredTerror [AT] began trolling trickyComedian [TC]

AT: hey GEZEMI,
TC: aw SHit TAv, hOW thE MotHErfUCk yOU beEN?
TC: we HAveN’T goT Our PEstER on SIncE AlmOSt a HAlf HOur PAstWAys.
AT: um,
AT: was THAT SARCASM, meant TO SAY THAT I’M BOTHERING YOU, by TROLLING YOU TOO MUCH,
AT: because IF SO THEN, i’m SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU,
TC: whAT?
TC: moTHerFUck NO, brOTheR!
TC: i aM ComPLetELy uP At gETtiNG my SIncERe oN At wHOevER i mIGht BE taLKinG TowARds.
TC: esPEciALly MY moST alIEn oF AliEN brOS.
TC: hoNK :o)
AT: i THINK, that WE ARE ALL EQUALLY ALIEN OVER HERE, from A HUMAN PERSPECTIVE,
AT: but THANKS,
TC: maN Tav, YOu nEEd tO StoP GetTIng YOur SElf HAte ON.
TC: shIT aiN’T heALthY.
TC: unLEss IT’s aNOthER onE Of yOUr wEIrd TRolL HatE ThINgs, IN whAT caSE whO Am i TO alL Be jUDgiNG at YOu?
AT: no, you’re RIGHT,
AT: i GUESS I’M JUST, a BIT HARD ON MYSELF, especially RIGHT NOW,
AT: because I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE HELPING OUT MORE, when I’M NOT REALLY DOING ANYTHING,
AT: i KIND OF WANT TO TALK TO ANYIRA, and MAYBE HELP WITH PLANNING, or SOMETHING,
AT: but SHE’S BUSY HELPING DONY, with HIS BRAIN THING,
TC: if YOu wANt mE To gET my PEstER at DOny ANd tELl hIM thAT yoU NeeD To bE TalKIng TO anYIra, JUst SAy tHE woRD brO.
AT: oh NO, i DON’T WANT TO INTERFERE,
AT: besides, i CAN DO THAT,
AT: if I WANTED TO, i MEAN,
AT: i DON’T, because LIKE I SAID, they’re BUSY,
TC: weLL, doN’T woRRy aBOut BEin THe oNLy oNE noT DoiNG toWArdS Any IMpoRTanT ThiNGs aT YouR CurREnt MOmeNT.
TC: i cAN be ALl rELatINg tO thAT prEDicAMenT At mY Now TIme.
AT: as OPPOSED TO *MY* NOW TIME, you MEAN,
TC: moTHerFUck YEah!
TC: seE LooK At mE GetTIn a HAndLE on THis WIckED tiME shIT!
AT: haha, good JOB.
AT: anyway I THINK I’LL TRY GETTING IN CONTACT WITH JOHKAT, and GO FROM THERE,
AT: thanks GEZEMI,
TC: haHA aw NAw bRO doN’T be THanKIng TOwaRDs mE For ALl tHAt nOThiNG i dID.
TC: :o)

abjuredTerror [AT] ceased trolling trickyComedian [TC]

~~~

Your name is JOHKAT EGTAS, and y-

Shit hold on, Saiivux is complaining again.

SAIIVUX: i hoOnestly have noO idea hoOw yoOu coOnvinced me toO goO aloOng with this.
SAIIVUX: oOf all the stupid things yoOu’ve doOne as oOur fearless leader, this is hands-doOwn the moOst retarded.
JOHKAT: god, would you just SHUT UP for like five seconds.
JOHKAT: if you keep making a fuss, jack is going to find us for SURE.
SAIIVUX: see, that’s the part that baffles me.
SAIIVUX: yoOu CLEARLY knoOw the dangers oOf this plan, and yet here we are oOn loOpab anyway.
JOHKAT: look, if we’re going to be any more help to the humans, then we HAVE to do this.
JOHKAT: besides, jack could totally find us in the lab anyway.
JOHKAT: alright now shut up, tavram is trolling me.
SAIIVUX: oOh yeah, sure, just stoOp to talk to tavram in the middle oOf dangeroOus territoOry.
SAIIVUX: proOper prioOrity manag-
JOHKAT: quiet.

Okay.

Your name is JOHKAT EGTAS, and you’re here in the LAND OF PRISM AND BRASS with SAIIVUX CAPANDR. Cool guy, great friend, but jegus fuck the guy will not stop complaining. Tavram is asking over Trollian where you are, and you figure there’s no point in not telling him now that you’re well past the point where Viskri would be able to intercept you from leaving the lab (i’ll have to remember to thank janya for distracting her.). You’re in LOPAB, which surprisingly enough is still in once piece, to find your session’s Scratch location. Anyira mentioned once that there should be one around here, and you figure she could look at its pattern and be able to help the humans manipulate the Scratch. You even brought a transportalizer from the lab (GOD that was a bitch to captchalogue.) for easy access. It looks like you might be coming up on it in the dist-

SAIIVUX: oOh fuck.
JOHKAT: huh?
SAIIVUX: up there. oOn the big crystal thing.
JOHKAT: oh. oh FUCK.

Jack.

JOHKAT: what’s he DOING up there?
SAIIVUX: doOes it matter!? we need to get the fuck oOut of here!
JOHKAT: i don’t think he’s seen us.
JOHKAT: he’s just... sitting there.
JOHKAT: he looks BORED, really.
SAIIVUX: cut the psychoOanalysis hoOoOfbeast crap. droOp the transpoOrtalizer soO we can get back toO the lab!
JOHKAT: but then HE can use it to get there!
SAIIVUX: we can break the oOther side, fuck! just put it d-

Huh? Why did Saiivux stop...

Oh. Oh double fuck. He’s seen you. And now he’s in front of you and the blade is coming down and oh GOD why did i think this was a good idea why did i drag saiivux int-

Blocked. Blocked by a sickle that has seen precious little use in the robotic hands that hold it.

JOHKAT: anyira? wh-
ANYIRA: Use the transp0rtalizer! Quickly!

You almost throw the device out of your sylladex, and that’s a hell of an achievement considering that isn’t even possible. She barely gives you enough time to register that she’s pushed the two of you towards it before you see her sickle coming down towards you. Towards the transportalizer. And yet even in that instant you can see Jack’s sword cleaving through her, scattering wires and circuits in place of the maroon bl

~~~

ood that you half-expect to see spilling from her metal shell. And suddenly you’re both sprawled on the floor next to the matching transportalizer in the meteor lab. Saiivux catches your thoughts before you yourself manage to organize them.

SAIIVUX: she’s dead.
SAIIVUX: she’s dead because oOf us.
JOHKAT: break the teleport.
SAIIVUX: what?
JOHKAT: break the goddamn teleport! quickly!
SAIIVUX: but anyir-
JOHKAT: just in case!

So you do. Only after you’ve split the damn thing in two do you take a moment to register your friend’s death. You try to keep it together, try not to break down because leaders don’t do that, but you can’t stop the blue-tinted tears from streaming down your cheeks. You know there’s no point, but you have to make sure. You just have to.

extraneousCellular [EC] began trolling absenteeApparition [AA]

EC: anyira.
EC: anyira!
EC: for the love of FUCK please respond.
EC: oh god what have i done.
EC: i know you can’t hear me but
EC: i
EC: i’m just so, so sorry.
AA: S0rry, I was talking t0 D0ny.
AA: What’s all this n0w?
EC: um.

So yeah. Turns out you got a doomed alternate Anyira killed because of your stupid plan. Shit.

SAIIVUX: bet yoOu feel like a JERK noOw.

Shut up, Saiivux.

~~~

Your name is ERZAHN AMPOUL, and this whole Scratch thing has you worried. Worried and pissed. How the fuck, how the FUCK, could you not have been allowed input regarding this absolutely idiotic plan? Is everyone just eager to erase themselves from history? You’re too goddamn important for that. You just got done trolling one of the humans, ROSIE PYLON, and despite her being hesitant to talk to you at first (Wwhy the hell is evveryone so fuckin antisocial?) you managed to get a general idea of the Mage of Time’s progress. That, combined with Trollian’s timeline, gives you a rough estimate of how much time you have left. Only not really, because you have no idea how the Scratch in their timeline will determine the end of this one. Fuck, you need to think of some sort of plan to stop this thing bef-

Goddamnit what now.

SAIIVUX: hey erzahn.
SAIIVUX: yoOu wanted to talk?
ERZAHN: Wwhat?
ERZAHN: Saii, I’m kinda fuckin busy right noww.
ERZAHN: Like, REALLY fuckin busy.
ERZAHN: Wwhy did you think I wwanted to talk?
SAIIVUX: oOh, I guess yoOu’re noOt future yoOu yet.
SAIIVUX: yoOu shoOuld be by noOw, i thoOught...
SAIIVUX: whatever, i guess i goOt coOnfused by that whoOle stupid joOhkat dead anyira stabby jack thing.
ERZAHN: The fuck are y-
SAIIVUX: just coOme find me i guess oOnce yoOu’ve thoOught oOf the thing yoOu’re goOing toO want toO talk aboOut.

What the fuck was all that about? Future you wanting to talk? Where’s he pulling this shit from? Why would you want to t-

Wait. That memo of his from hours ago. Maybe that’s...

Yes. Somehow it’s still an open memo. You bailed before you could get invited to Anyira’s Scratch memo (Fuckin past me.), but you’ll get some use out of it yet.

Haha, you are so goddamn brilliant. Everything makes sense. You know what you’ve got to do now, you just need to figure some stuff out. Make some arrangements. But first:

PTA: APPARENTLY THERE’S BETTER MEMoOS ToO BE HAD ARoOUND HERE.
CURRENT calimariAbaddon [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: No man, don’t go yet.
PTA: why noOt?
PTA: if yoOu want toO chat then fine but there’s noO reasoOn toO doO it oOn a public memoO.
PTA: and i need toO goO check oOut doOny’s memoO noOw anyway.
CCA: Wwell, it’s not like you really need to hurry.
CCA: It’s not goin anywwhere.
CCA: But yeah I don’t mean to keep you or nothin.
CCA: I just wwanna meet up before the Scratch.
PTA: i doOn’t even knoOw what the scratch IS.
CCA: You do in the future.
CCA: And yeah I knoww I got you kinda early here.
CCA: I’m just sayin.
CCA: Wwe should meet up.
PTA: well, oOkay sure.
PTA: why noOt.
PTA: see yoOu in the future then erzahn.
CCA: Later.

PTA closed memo.

Perfect.

~~~

Your name is VISKRI SKERTS, and you think you might be beginning to losing your touch. You’re the self-appointed laboratory hall monitor, essentially. It’s your job to make sure that nobody leaves the relative safety of the meteor. You thought you were doing pretty well until Johkat and Saiivux got back from a trip you didn’t even realize they’d taken. So from now on, no more fawning over gorgeous human movie stars (<3). It’s time to take initiative. And by initiative, you mean another headcount.

Alright, so you’re here obviously. Johkat and Saiivux you saw walking around a minute ago. You’ve made sure to keep track of JANYA HARLYAM after her role in Johkat’s stupid suicide plan; she’s in the computer lab with Tersie. Anyira’s off in her respiteblock talking to the Dony human (still?). Tavram...

Wait, where the hell is Tavram? Goddamnit, why are you so bad at this? Fuck, and he’s not even online either. Time to drop everything; this is priority #1 right now.

aboveGreatness [AG] began trolling gallantGynomorph [GG]

AG: janya.
AG: janyaaaaaaaa.
GG: Yes?
AG: do you know where tavram went?
GG: Uh
GG: No i Dont Think So
AG: you’d 8etter not 8e in cahoots with him too!
GG: im Not
AG: cahoooooooots!
GG: Yes i Heard You The First Time
GG: So Am i Just Your Prime Suspect Now?
AG: don’t say stuff like that.
AG: it makes me sound like the rosie human.
GG: :\
GG: Youre Avoiding The Question.
AG: so you don’t know where he is, then?
GG: i Assure You im Not In Cahoots With Anyone Anymore
AG: well, alright.
AG: hey, he’s online!
GG: He Was Only Offline For A Few Minutes
GG: You Need To Be More Attentive
AG: ::::|

aboveGreatness [AG] ceased trolling gallantGynomorph [GG]

aboveGreatness [AG] began trolling abjuredTerror [AT]

AG: tavraaaaaaaam!
AT: um, yes,
AT: how CAN I, help YOU, with WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE DOING,
AG: where did you wander off to????????
AG: you didn’t leave the la8, did you?
AT: oh NO, i KNOW WE’RE ALL SUPPOSED TO STAY, on THE METEOR,
AT: why,
AG: i took a headcount and you weren’t there.
AT: well, we’re SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE LAB,
AT: did YOU LOOK FOR ME,
AG: just tell me where you aaaaaaaare!
AT: i’m WITH ANYIRA, in HER BLOCK,
AT: trying TO BE HELPFUL,
AG: oh.
AG: ooooooooh, okay.
AG: heh, my 8ad i guess.
AG: well good luck with that.
AT: uh,
AT: thanks,
AG: :::;D

aboveGreatness [AG] ceased trolling abjuredTerror [AT]

Alright, false alarm. Haha, man, you can be a bit of a goof sometimes. You should probably just swallow your pride and ask Tersie for help. Anyway, that’s everyone accounted for. You, Johkat, Saiivux, Janya, Tersie, Anyira, Tavram...

Fuck, you forgot about Erzahn! Where is he again? A quick sweep of his usual spots turns up nothing. Usually he’s sulking in a corner about how nobody loves his super amazing purple blood. Where the hell could he have gone?

Shit!

~~~

Your name is NELSHA LEGION, and you are the silliest silly cat girl. You feel like maybe you could be a bit more useful than you are, though. All you’ve done to help out with this Scratch thing is invite Erzahn to that memo. Of course, the sad truth is that there isn’t really anything you can do to help. Even if you knew anything about time stuff, there’s just no capacity in which you could be useful that isn’t already filled by someone else. The squiddliest squiddly Squiddles fan, FERIFA PEIRIX, agrees with you.

AC: :( * I just feel like i’m not helping out enough
AC: :( * And also i’m kind of nervous about this whole scratch thing
CC: Yea)(.
CC: --I know w)(at you mean.
CC: But it )(as to be done, rig)(t?
AC: :( * I guess
AC: X( * Uuuugh i don’t know what to dooooo
AC: :( * I want to be meowr useful, but i’m also worried about the thing i want to help with!
CC: Well, there isn’t muc)( eit)(er of us can do.
CC: --I t)(ink we s)(ould just relax until someone needs us.
AC: :\ * You just want an excuse to watch squiddles
CC: )(a)(a, do --I need an excuse?
CC: 8P
AC: :3 * Hehe, probably not!
AC: :3 * Alright, i’ll talk to you later if i think of anything we could do
CC: Ok.

-- artsyContortionist [AC] ceased pestering cartoonCephalopods [CC] --

Alright, she’s probably right. You need to relax a bit. Ever since you stopped to think about the Scratch and its implications and how little you’re doing to help your friends, you’ve been wound like a tightly coiled spurring you mean spring. Maybe you could... Yeah, okay, you’ll draw a bit. That always calms you down. You’ll draw a cool picture of

Um.

Crap, what should you draw! (DX * Aaaaa why can’t i think of anything!)

Okay Nelsha, calm down. No need to get all worked up. You’ll just ask a friend! Uh, okay well Ferifa is probably watching her octopus show by now (:3 * Hehe, she hates it when i call it that). Dony and Equin are busy being productive. Ooh, how about Rosie?

-- artsyContortionist [AC] began pestering tightenedTurnabout [TT] --

AC: XO * Rosiiiiie
TT: Y3S?
AC: X| * Heeeeeelp
TT: N3L5HA, 1 CAN’T H3LP UNL355 1 KNOW WHAT YOU WANT H3LP W1TH.
AC: :\ * Right sorry
AC: :3 * I’m trying to take my mind off the scratch by drawing
AC: :3 * But i don’t know what to draaaaaaw
TT: UM.
TT: HOW ABOUT YOU DRAW WHAT YOU TH1NK TH3 N3XT V3R51ON5 OF U5 WILL LOOK LIKE?
AC: :|
AC: :\ * Rosie that is the opposite of what i want
AC: :3 * I’m trying to take my mind OFF the scratch
TT: 1’M NOT 5UR3 1F THAT’5 A GOOD 1D3A.
TT: W3 ALL N33D TO COM3 TO T3RM5 W1TH TH15.
AC: :( * So you’re not scared at all?
TT: OH NO, 1 TH1NK W3 ALL AR3.
TT: BUT W3 ALL AGR33D TO GO THROUGH W1TH TH15, AND 1T’5 FOR TH3 B35T.
AC: :( * Yeah i know that, but i’m still afraid
TT: 1 TH1NK W3 5HOULD ALL B3 TH3R3 WH3N DONY CAU535 TH3 5CRATCH.
AC: :O * Oh no, i’m not sure if i want to do that
TT: PL3A53, N3L5HA?
TT: KARON AND G3Z3M1 HAV3 ALR3ADY SA1D Y3S.
TT: 1 TH1NK 3V3RYON3 15 GO1NG TO B3 TH3R3.
AC: :( * Well, i guess
AC: :3 * If it’s everyone
AC: :3 * Should i leave now, or...?
TT: NO, 1’LL P3ST3R YOU WH3N 1T’5 T1M3.
AC: XO * Aaaaa i hate waiting for stuff like this!!!
AC: :( * It’s like going to the dentist all over again
TT: TAK3 YOUR M1ND OFF 1T BY DRAW1NG.
AC: :3 * K
AC: :3 * Thanks

-- artsyContortionist [AC] ceased pestering tightenedTurnabout [TT] --

Alright. Rosie is right, you should draw to calm down. Time to lose yourself in the warm comfort of drawing shitty pictures.

Wait.

Crap, you still don’t know what to draw! Damnit Rosie! You guess you could do something Scratch-related. Maybe that’ll make this easier? A bit? (:\ * Who am i kidding?)

You still have Daiiv’s terrible diagram from that memo. Maybe you could sketch what you think some of the past timeline players looked like? Yeah, sure, that works.

...

oh god this is so shitty

~~~

Your name is TERSIE LAROPE, and in retrospect you really should have tried harder to convince Viskri to let you help her. She was having none of it, but what else is new? That’s just her way of saying... Okay, so she actually didn’t want help, but she needed it even if she refused to admit it. Now Erzahn is god-knows-where, and she’s understandably freaking out about it.

VISKRI: fuuuuuuuuck how did this h8ppen?
VISKRI: i saw him earlier!
VISKRI: wh8re did he goooooooo????????
TERSIE: god, calm down.
TERSIE: 1t’5 not your fault.
VISKRI: who said it was!?
TERSIE: 1t’5 pr3tty obv1ou5 you th1nk that you fa1l3d h3r3.
VISKRI: well
VISKRI: i did!
VISKRI: i t8tally 8lew it!!!!!!!!
TERSIE: hav3 you con51d3r3d that mayb3 our t3ammat35 are su1c1dal a55hol35?
TERSIE: b3cau53 th3y 533m l1k3 th3y’r3 w1ll1ng to h3ad out 1nto jacksv1ll3 at th3 drop of a hat.
VISKRI: yeah, i guess.
VISKRI: that’s not important right now, though.
VISKRI: it doesn’t matter WHY erzahn decided to 8e an idiot and try to get himself annihil8ted by jack.
TERSIE: do w3 3v3n know h3 l3ft th3 lab?
VISKRI: we’ve ch8cked the wh8le th8ng!!!!!!!!
TERSIE: alr1ght, calm down.
TERSIE: you’r3 do1ng that 8 th1ng aga1n.
VISKRI: wh8t now, though????????
VISKRI: i mean what now.
VISKRI: we can’t go out th8re looking for him!
VISKRI: it’s too d8ngerou-

*voom*

Speak of the asshole.

VISKRI: erzahn!!!!!!!!!
ERZAHN: Wwhoa shit!
VISKRI: where did you just transportalize from?
ERZAHN: I don’t think it matters wwhere-
VISKRI: wh8re did you j8st tranp8rtal8ze from????????
TERSIE: you 5hould probably an5w3r h3r.
TERSIE: 5h3’s k1nd of work3d up.
ERZAHN: Alright, alright.
ERZAHN: I wwas at my hivve.
VISKRI: your hive?
VISKRI: why?
ERZAHN: I was gettin somethin sentimental.
ERZAHN: Part of my lusus.
VISKRI: oh.
TERSIE: that t3ntacl3?
ERZAHN: Yeah.
ERZAHN: I knoww it wwas pretty fuckin retarded of me to go out there for somethin useless like this, but I just wwanted somethin to remember her by.
VISKRI: well...
VISKRI: you won’t 8e going out again, riiiiiiiight?
ERZAHN: Oh no.
ERZAHN: I got evverythin I needed.
TERSIE: hm.
VISKRI: alright, get 8ack into the la8 and stay there.
ERZAHN: Yes ma’am.

TERSIE: that wa5 odd.
VISKRI: huh?
TERSIE: u5ually 3rzahn 15 a lot mor3 orn3ry than that.
VISKRI: yeah, he did seem a 8it more cooperative than usual.
VISKRI: 8ut whatever, he’s in the la8 and everything worked out in the end.
TERSIE: y3ah, mayb3...

You could tell that Tersie was suspicious of you. You kind of expected it, actually. But she’s got nothing to work with, and you’re basically at the point where it doesn’t matter anymore anyway. For once it’s actually a good thing that nobody cares about you. They both completely missed your bold-faced lie. Gl’bgolyb wasn’t your lusus, she was your responsibility. Frankly you were glad when she died. More time to spend with your real lusus in sprite form. Well, whatever. You hacked this flagellum off her corpse, and now you’re all set. You have everything you need, and you’re ready to put a stop to this bullshit.

Because your name is ERZAHN AMPOUL, and everything has fallen into place.

[Raikonos]

And here's the second half of Iteration: Part 3.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Whoops, no, now your name is ANYIRA MENDIG. As you have been for the last hour or so, you’re in your respiteblock (Well, it’s a r00m really.) providing counsel to Dony while he works on deciphering the Brain Mesa. Tavram is here with you trying to be helpful, and to his credit he makes an excellent sounding board for your ideas. You’ve been discussing what you believe may be the reason that this session has needed to be scratched so many times, and despite the fact that what you say very obviously goes over his head much of the time he has made a valiant effort to be useful. Thanks to him, you’ve made a decision.

absenteeApparition [AA] began trolling technoGearshift [TG]

AA: Hey D0ny.
TG: oh hey
TG: I was gettIng worrIed
TG: I hadnt heard from you for lIke a whole two mInutes
AA: 0g0
TG: the hell Is that
AA: It was supp0sed t0 be me sticking 0ut my t0ngue.
AA: But it d0esn’t really l00k like anything.
TG: I dont get why you refuse to occasIonally use normal emotes
TG: you would save yourself so much trouble
AA: :P
TG: yeah see how easy that was
AA: Eh.
TG: alrIght anyway yeah
AA: Remember h0w I menti0ned in my mem0 that there was s0mething else I was c0nsidering, and I’d message y0u if I decided it was w0rth it?
TG: vaguely
AA: Well, I’ve decided t0 message y0u.
TG: yeah I kInd of fIgured that out
TG: so what Is It
AA: Well, d0esn’t it seem like this sessi0n has been scratched a l0t?
TG: yes anyIra weve establIshed that were buIlding on an ancIent asshole burIal ground here
AA: N0, I mean, d0esn’t it seem 0dd that a sessi0n w0uld need t0 be scratched this many times?
TG: well
TG: we have no poInt of reference for that
TG: but I guess yeah It does seem a bIt excessIve
AA: S0 I’ve been thinking, and I’m beginning t0 think that 0ur sessi0n is SUPP0SED to be scratched.
AA: It’s destined, 0r metadestined, 0r s0mething.
TG: thats
TG: what
TG: how Is that a thIng
TG: you saId yourself If one sessIon gets scratched then the other wIll as well
AA: Exactly.
AA: That’s what needs t0 be fixed.
TG: how
AA: Pr0bably what y0u’re d0ing right n0w.
TG: so youre sayIng that theres somethIng wrItten Into the braIn mesa that makes both sessIons get scratched when one of them Is
TG: and you want me to fInd It and change It because you thInk that our sessIon Is always supposed to be scratched
AA: Pretty much.
TG: I dunno anyIra
TG: thIs sounds a lot lIke fuckery
TG: and fuckery makes daIIvs
TG: do you really want more daIIvs
AA: 0g0
TG: that looks lIke exactly nothIng
TG: I dont care what you say that Is a stupId emote
AA: Anyway, it’s entirely up t0 y0u.
AA: It’s just a the0ry 0f mine.
AA: I just th0ught I’d thr0w it 0ut there.
TG: okay well
TG: Ill consIder It
TG: Im startIng to actually be able to read thIs thIng so Ill keep an eye out for what you saId
AA: 0k.

technoGearshift [TG] ceased being trolled by absenteeApparition [AA]

Now all that’s left to do is sit back and watch. Watch until the Scratch happens, and then watch over the next timeline from the Furthest Ring. Tavram is asking what else he can do, but really that about does it. Your job is done, finally, and you’re 0k with that.

~~~

Your name is GEZEMI MAKRIS, and motherfuck if you’re not nervous. It’s always been pretty easy for you to stay chill, and your infectious calm means that everyone always comes to you when they’re worried about something. Still, the fact that in a couple hours you’ll never have existed is starting to put a dent in even your ridiculous relaxitude. You and your good bros KARON VANBERT and KANDE MARELY are trekking through the LAND OF GLACIER AND FROGS on the way to the big pre-Scratch gathering at the Brain Mesa. You’re trying to keep your game face on, but they aren’t even paying attention to you thanks to the cold and their own worries. Somehow you feel like even on this planet of solid ice, you all need to chill out a bit more.

GEZEMI: heY, KanDE.
KANDE: Hm?
KANDE: Yeah, Gezemi?
GEZEMI: i wAS juST alL Up aT WonDEriNG hoW You MAnaGEd tO Get ANytHIng DOne AT loGAf wIThoUT stRAigHT loSIng ALl yOUr mOTheRFucKIn dIGitS.
KARON: YEAH.
KARON: AND WHY DIDN’T YOU ALCHEMIZE SOME COATS OR SOMETHING FOR US?
KANDE: Well, If you’d mentioned it while I was at my house I would have!
GEZEMI: haHA, maN, Don’T You TWo bE GetTIn yOUr wICkeD SquABblE On aT A siMPle THinG LikE ProPEr mOTheRFucKIn wINteR AttIRe.
GEZEMI: siDEswAYs, dONy’s LAnd IS wiCKed UPwaRDs oN The THerMOstAT.
KARON: HEH, YEAH I GUESS.
KARON: I THINK Dony DESCRIBED IT AS "BRAINLIRIOUS HEATNASTY".
KANDE: That sounds like a bit of a stretch
KANDE: But hey, Maybe I’m just not fluent in coolkid
GEZEMI: riGHt oN, SisTEr.
GEZEMI: i kNOws FOr mY PieCE soMEwaYS i cAN’t tELl wHAt tHAt bROfrIEnd OF ouRS is EVen TAlkINg aT Me.
KARON: YEAH, I KNOW THE FEELING.
GEZEMI: huH?
KARON: OH NOTHING.
KANDE: I’ve always meant to ask, But I never got around to it.
KANDE: Why do you call everyone brother and sister?
GEZEMI: thAT’s jUSt aLL hoW My mOTheRFucKIn dAD raISed ME.
KARON: IT’S HIS WEIRD CLOWN RELIGION.
GEZEMI: aw COme ON brO, Don’T Be aLL haTIng AT my MOthERfuCKin JUggALocITy.
GEZEMI: :o(
KARON: NO NO, I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
KARON: WELL OKAY MAYBE A LITTLE.
KANDE: God Karon, You can be such a dick sometimes
KARON: LOOK.
KARON: WE’VE BEEN TALKING TO ALIENS WHOSE CULTURE IS BASED AROUND YELLING PROFANITY AT EACH OTHER AND THEN MAKING OUT IN BUCKETS OF SLIME.
KARON: BUT SOME, HELL, MOST OF THEM ARE DECENT GUYS.
KARON: WEIRD ISN’T NECESSARILY BAD.
GEZEMI: aw, FUckIN thANks BRo!
GEZEMI: alTHouGH it SOunDS liKE yoU MigHT haVE at SOme WIckED miSConCEptIOns TOwaRDs aLIen CUltURe.
GEZEMI: hoNK.
KANDE: Oh yeah, That was another thing
KANDE: What’s with the honks?
GEZEMI: yoU KnoW, SisTEr, i ACtuALly CAn’t BE up ON anY MotHErfUCkiN CerTAinTY abOUt tHAt.
KANDE: Um.
KARON: I THINK THAT MEANS HE’S NOT SURE.
KANDE: Oh
GEZEMI: yoU KnoW It, bROthER!
KANDE: God, Why did I walk all the way out to the Gate instead of meeting you two halfway?
KANDE: It’s freezing!
KARON: ISN’T THAT YOUR HOUSE OVER THERE?
KANDE: Yes!
KANDE: Finally!
GEZEMI: fuUUucK.
GEZEMI: my STomACh’s ALl uP In sOMe iNTenSE ruMBliNG acTIon.
GEZEMI: yoU ThiNK we COulD GraB A biTE beFOre WE clIMb uP At tHE gaTE to LOfaS?
KARON: YEAH, I’M KIND OF HUNGRY TOO NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT.
KANDE: Well, Okay I guess we can check the fridge
KANDE: I probably have something
KARON: OH BOY, COLD FOOD.
KARON: JUST WHAT I NEED.
GEZEMI: haHA.

Yeah. This is nice. As long as everyone keeps pretending like everything’s normal, it’s easy to keep going without getting bogged down in existential bullshit. You’re not sure how long that’ll last once you actually get to the Mesa, but you’ve always made a point of living in the now. The future will happen as it happens.

Well, for a few more hours anyway.

~~~

calimariAbaddon [CA] began trolling troubledAsymmetric [TA]

CA: Hey.
CA: Saii.
TA: oOh, hey erzahn.
TA: doO you want toO talk about whatever yoOu want toO talk aboOut yet?
CA: Yeah.
CA: Sorry for blowwin you off earlier.
TA: noO proOblem.
TA: time shit, i’m kind oOf used toO it by noOw.
CA: Haha, yeah.
TA: alright, i’ll be right oOver.
CA: K.

troubledAsymmetric [TA] ceased trolling calimariAbaddon [CA]

~~~

Your name is JOHKAT EGTAS, the fearless leader, and at the moment you’re really not leading so much as bumbling aimlessly about the lab. You’ve basically accepted that there’s really nothing left for you to do anymore. Your role as a leader is over, because there is no goal left to lead towards. The Scratch will happen in the other session, and that will be the end of it. Really you’re just looking for Saiivux so you can hang out. Dude’s wandered off somewhere. Maybe someone around here knows where he went.

JOHKAT: hey.
JANYA: Oh, Hi
VISKRI: what’s up, oh gr8 leader?
VISKRI: :::;)
JOHKAT: have either of you seen saiivux around?
JANYA: Um
JANYA: i Think i Saw Him Heading Over To The Transportalizers
VISKRI: oh god, you two aren’t planning something again, aaaaaaaare you?
VISKRI: because if you’re in cahoots...
JANYA: What Is It With You And Cahoots
JOHKAT: nah.
JOHKAT: i just want to chill with my bro.
VISKRI: alright.
JOHKAT: so which transportalizers did you mean?
JOHKAT: there’s a LOT of them.
VISKRI: you’d know.
JOHKAT: :\
JANYA: The Personal Quarters Ones
JOHKAT: oh ok.
JOHKAT: i didn’t see him in his section, but maybe i’m just an idiot.
JANYA: Wait.
JANYA: i Remember Him Saying Something About Meeting With Erzahn
JANYA: Something About A Future Conversation
JOHKAT: huh.
JOHKAT: probably that thing from the end of his memo.
VISKRI: what memo?
JOHKAT: you weren’t invited.
JOHKAT: cool kids only.
VISKRI: 8ut erzahn was?
JOHKAT: yep.
JOHKAT: B)
JOHKAT: anyway thanks.
JANYA: No Problem

Okay, so he’s in Erzahn’s section. Cool. You should probably try not to interrupt whatever they’re talking about, but you know time is becoming a rare commodity. You need to catch Saiivux while you can.

~~~

Your name is ERZAHN AMPOUL, and the time to act is now. Because of the disconnect in the timelines, you have no idea when the Scratch will hit you. You’ve gotta treat every second like it’s the last you got. Which is why it’s so goddamn infuriating that Saiivux is taking so long to get here. You guess it just seems longer than it is because you’re so focused on how little time you probably have, but that doesn’t stop you from being pissed. God, where is he?

Oh wait there he is.

SAIIVUX: hey.
ERZAHN: God, Saii, you sure took your fuckin time.
SAIIVUX: yoOu were the oOne whoO blew me oOff the first time.
ERZAHN: Wwhatevver.
SAIIVUX: alright, soO...
SAIIVUX: what is this coOnversatioOn i’ve been loOoOking foOrward toO foOr hoOurs aboOut?
ERZAHN: The Scratch.
SAIIVUX: oOf coOurse.
ERZAHN: I ain’t happy about it.
ERZAHN: Not one bit.
SAIIVUX: really?
SAIIVUX: i knoOw it’s pretty intense toO think aboOut, but it’s necess-
ERZAHN: No.
ERZAHN: I’m not lettin this shit happen.
ERZAHN: I’m not gettin wwiped from history because the humans got all wwhiny and couldn’t finish their fuckin game.
SAIIVUX: but, there’ll be anoOther erzahn in the new timeline.
SAIIVUX: yoOu woOn’t just be goOne.
ERZAHN: I don’t givve any fucks.
ERZAHN: Not one.
ERZAHN: I’m stoppin this thing, and you’re gonna help me.
SAIIVUX: erzahn, yoOu’re my friend but we can’t stoOp the scratch just because yoOu’re having secoOnd thoOughts!
ERZAHN: Second thoughts?
ERZAHN: I didn’t evven get a say in this, you fuckin...!
ERZAHN: Wwhatevver, I kneww you wweren’t gonna cooperate.
SAIIVUX: soO what are y-

No more words. You’re not even sure why you let Saiivux start talking. He’s useless to you if he’s conscious. You guess maybe you regret having to do this?

But the time for thoughts like that is over. You draw your newly alchemized wand, the GLUBSPEAKER’S TENDRIL, and before Saiivux can even so much as think to glance at his strife deck you’ve blasted him in the face and he’s on the floor bleeding orange from the ears. A quick check of his pulse confirms that you didn’t fuck up and kill him (Wwhat a fuckin wwaste THAT wwould be.), so that means it’s time to troll Anyira. If you tell her you’ll kill Saiivux unless she stops helping the Mage, then hopefully (Hah.) he won’t be able to pull it off by himself. It’s a long shot, but it’s all you can do.

calimariAbaddon [CA] began trolling absenteeApparition [AA]

CA: Hey An.
CA: Stop wwhat you’re doin, wwe need to havve a chat.
AA: Um, 0k.
AA: Ab0ut what?
AA: Erzahn?
AA: Are y0u there?

calimariAbaddon [CA] is now an idle troll.

AA: 0_0
AA: 0k...

absenteeApparition [AA] ceased trolling calimariAbaddon [CA]

~~~

Your name is JOHKAT EGTAS, and you’re about to meet up with Saiivux. Right now though, you’re stumbling around Erzahn’s lab section trying to find either of them. It’s all dark corners and passageways, and Erzahn never cleans up after himself so you keep stumbling over his shitty wizard stuff. (god, how does he even GET anywh-)

Your thoughts are interrupted by a tyrian flash from around the next bend. What the hell was that? Well, it must mean you’ve found them. You turn the corner and

oh god.

Saiivux. On the floor. Blood, all around his head. Erzahn, standing, eldritch energies still emanating from his wand. Looks like he’s on his HUSKSPECS. Not concerned in the slightest about the spreading pool of orange at his feet. Put two and two together.

You don’t even hesitate as you draw your claws and charge.

~~~

Your name is FERIFA PEIRIX, and you’ve made your way to the Brain Mesa in LOFAS with ROSIE PYLON and NELSHA LEGION. Karon, Kande and Gezemi have just arrived. Nelsha and Rosie have long since gone off to do their own thing (Nelsha is currently bothering the hell out of Equin. T)(ey make a cute pair.), so you decide to go talk to the new arrivals.

FERIFA: )(ey!
KANDE: Oh, Hi!
KANDE: I didn’t recognize you for a second
FERIFA: 8(
FERIFA: --I didn’t ink you’d forget me T)(AT quickly...
KANDE: Oh god, Was that a Squiddle pun?
FERIFA: 8P
KANDE: Besides, This is the first time we’ve actually met!
KANDE: I saw you once in passing, Maybe
KANDE: So excuuuuse meeee!
FERIFA: )(a)(a, it’s alrig)(t.
FERIFA: So w)(ere did your bodyguards wiggle off to?
KANDE: Karon and Gezemi? I don’t think Gezemi would make a great bodyguard
KANDE: He’s making at some wicked motherfuckin words all towards Rosie, I think
FERIFA: Um.
KANDE: I kind of got used to Gezemi-speak on the way here
KANDE: And Karon’s over there on the Mesa talking to Dony
FERIFA: Everyone needs to M--INGLE more!
FERIFA: --I say we salvage w)(at’s left of Equin’s sanity.
KANDE: You mean save him from Nelsha’s saccharine kittycat antics?
FERIFA: W)(at else?

Well, that’s probably a futile effort. It’s hard to stop Nelsha once she’s started, especially around Equin. But nevermind that, because now your name is KARON VANBERT and you’ve got a bro to chat with.

KARON: HEY.
DONY: sup
KARON: FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT?
DONY: good to see you too bro
KARON: FUCK, SORRY Dony.
KARON: IT’S JUST, THE Scratch IS ON EVERYONE’S MINDS.
KARON: YOU CAN’T REALISTICALLY EXPECT ME NOT TO ASK ABOUT IT.
DONY: s’alrIght
DONY: me and equIn fIgured It out a whIle ago and Ive been doIng the actual modIfIcatIons sInce
KARON: SO YOU ACTUALLY FIGURED OUT THAT BULLSHIT TXT?
DONY: yeah
DONY: well anyIra dId
DONY: Im actually almost done
DONY: just gotta do that thIng anyIra suggested
KARON: WHAT THING?
DONY: It Involves weIrd metachronologIcal shIt
DONY: tellIng you would basIcally be a waste of tIme for us both
KARON: YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
KARON: FUCK YOU ANYWAY THOUGH.
KARON: JUST ON PRINCIPLE.
DONY: k
DONY: theres somethIng thats been kInd of botherIng me though
KARON: YEAH?
DONY: well
DONY: jack Is stIll In our sessIon
DONY: at some poInt he gets Into the troll sessIon somehow
KARON: RIGHT.
DONY: but If I do the scratch then he never actually leaves our sessIon before It ends
DONY: thats a paradox
KARON: HM.
KARON: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
DONY: really
DONY: to you??
DONY: thats a goddamn mIracle rIght there
KARON: NO.
KARON: NO MIRACLES.
KARON: I JUST WALKED THROUGH HALF THE Incipisphere WITH Gezemi.
KARON: I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF MIRACLES, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.
DONY: faIr enough
KARON: ANYWAY, MAYBE YOU DON’T CAUSE THE Scratch RIGHT NOW?
DONY: yeah that seems lIke the only possIble answer
DONY: but why not though
KARON: WELL, YOU COULD ALWAYS COME DOWN AND CHILL WITH US.
KARON: FINISH UP LATER.
KARON: MAYBE Jack WILL FUCK OFF ON HIS OWN.
DONY: that seems really unlIkely
DONY: but sure

Well, it’s not like you’re pressed for time or anything. After all, you decide when it ends. It’d be a shame not to talk to your friends first. What could go wrong?

~~~

Graveyard stuffers.

~~~

your name is solomon something, apparently, and fuck wait noO that’s noOt right.

okay hold on

right right right, you’re saiivux. saiivux capandr. okay, that’s that sorted out. now, what’s happening? you can’t tell through the pounding in your ears and the fog in your brain. did... did erzahn (erzahn.) do something? you see two grey and black figures moving around too quickly to follow. purple flashes keep appearing between them, and i knoOw that coOloOur froOm soOmewhere. fuuuck, it doOesn’t matter, because you can hardly even keep track of their positions let alone their actions. your brain is too muddled to think straight right now. you vaguely remember a flash like the ones happening right now, and this strange watery sound, and then nothing.

the figure that doesnt have weird tendrils, oOr a scarf, maybe? is on its knees now, you think, and the other one is standing over it ready to wait what the hell

a blue flash now (that blue. joOhkat? noO that’s noOt right.), impacting the standing one. knocking it (him?) back. an orange and blue blur (toOoO many coOloOurs. fuck.) is coming from the other direction. goOd, i need toO cloOse my eyes foOr a bit oOr soOmething.

~~~

Your name is VISKRI SKERTS and fuuuuuuuuck why didn’t you listen to Tersie!? It’s a good thing you got suspicious about Erzahn’s actions, or... okay, focus on the now. Priority one is disarming (killing.) Erzahn. He’s got Johkat on his knees for a coup de grace, and Saiivux is on the ground with a pool of blood around his head. You grab your wands (whyyyyyyyy did i give one to erzahn?) and fire an azure ray at the Prince of Hope. Good, he’s knocked back! He’s up again and he’s pissed, but at least Johkat’s still alive. Shit, he’s pointing his other wand at you. You don’t know what the new one does (did he alchemize it?), but you’ve seen this one in action and you know that in his hands it’s a lethal weapon. He fires.

~~~

Your name is JOHKAT EGTAS and you’ve just received a welcome helping of deus ex Viskri. You roll to the side and get back into a defensive stance (like that’ll help if one of those WANDS hits me.), but he’s not looking at you. Should you rush him? No, then you’ll just get hit point-blank. Oh god, he’s firing at Viskri now with the stronger weapon. A white blast lights up the room before it hits her, going right through her and leaving white flames licking at the tatters of her god tier outfit before striking the wall. oh god, not again.

~~~

Your name is VISKRI SKERTS and you’ve never appreciated how quickly a sylladex lets you change your clothes as much as you do now. Having discarded your hoodie as a distraction and your vest for mobility, you leap out at Erzahn from behind (to Johkat’s surprise) and blast the strange unknown weapon out of his hand. Well, actually you blow off his whole hand. Oh well. At least that variable is out of the equation. That other wand is deadly, but better the devil you know than the devil that could explode your brain or something. Unfortunately, you don’t have time to get the other one before he spins around, face full of pain and rage, and almost pokes you in the left shoulder with his wand (too close!!!!!!!!) before white fills your vision.

~~~

your name is saiivux capandr and you have no idea what the hell is going on

~~~

Your name is DONY STRITOR, and you’re finally loosening up a bit. As much as you hate to admit it, you’ve kind of been a bit of an ass for the last few hours, ignoring your friends to talk to Anyira and work on the Scratch. It’s justifiable assery, sure, but you still feel bad about it. That’s why it’s good to be able to just stop for a while and talk to your friends. Nelsha is showing everyone her shitty drawing (well at least she trIed), Equin is tense as always, Ferifa and Rosie are engaged in a surprisingly animated (for Rosie, anyway) discussion about Squiddles (of course), Gezemi is being incomprehensible as always, and everyone is legitimately enjoying each other’s company. It’s this moment more than anything that reminds you how close you’ve all become, despite your differences. Hell, you even crack an honest-to-god smile.

And then Jack appears.

Instantly everyone goes into combat mode, Equin charging with his sword, Ferifa on the defensive with her hammer. You know though, you think everyone does, that this is a futile effort. So without even thinking, you take the only sensible course of action. You grab your CEREBRAL VORTICES and jump forward a few hours.

And despite that being the absolute best course of action, oh how you wish you hadn’t.

Blood. Red rivulets everywhere, running from the flayed corpses of your teammates. Your friends. Pouring into the ridges in the grey matter that makes up the ground, making red miles across the ground. Jack is nowhere to be seen. Quickly and cautiously, you remove Kande’s SPECTAGOGGLES (oh god what am I doIng) and search for any sign of Jack. Nothing. In the time between their deaths and your return to the timestream, he must have made the transition to the other session. Mystery solved, you guess. Respectfully, you place the glasses back onto the bridge of your friend’s nose.

Their names were KARON VANBERT, ROSIE PYLON, KANDE MARELY, NELSHA LEGION, FERIFA PEIRIX, GEZEMI MAKRIS, and EQUIN ZEROKH. They were your best friends. And they are all dead.

-- technoGearshift [TG] began pestering absenteeApparition [AA] --

TG: anyIra
TG: can you see me
AA: H0ld 0n.
AA: 0h g0d D0ny, what happened!?
TG: jack
TG: jack happened
AA: 0h my g0d, I’m s0 s0rry.
TG: dont be
TG: I mean thanks for the sympathy but Its not your fault
AA: Y0u d0n’t blame me f0r making them c0me t0 y0u?
TG: I know enough about tIme shIt to know that Its not your fault
AA: Well, d0 y0u need t0 talk?
TG: no
TG: Im gonna fInIsh doIng that thIng you saId
TG: and then Im gonna scratch the mesa
AA: Alright then.
AA: Again, I’m really s0rry.
TG: dont go
TG: I want you to keep your vIewport open on me
TG: I fIgure thats the best way to carry the scratch over to your sessIon
AA: D0 y0u think it’s necessary?
TG: probably not
TG: but weve come thIs far why rIsk It
AA: True en0ugh.
TG: anyway
TG: Ive just got one more sectIon to go over
TG: thanks for all the help
AA: Y0u’re welc0me.
TG: well
TG: bye

-- technoGearshift [TG] ceased pestering absenteeApparition [AA] --

Some part of you thinks that was a lame note to end your final pesterlog on, but you don’t care. Besides, there was nothing more to be said.

You finish carving the last groove into the Mesa with your LASER RIFLE, and hoist AHAB’S CROSSHAIRS. You hesitate, briefly, before pointing the weapon at the ground and pulling the trigger. As the wave of change overtakes you, you can’t help but think th///

~~~

You look over the aftermath of the fight. The floor is stained with blood. Lots of purple, a significant quantity of blue (some yours, mostly hers), and about the same amount of orange as when you entered. The corpse of a royal asshole lies face down, minus one hand and a chunk from the middle of his torso. Most of Viskri’s arm is intact, although not attached to her. She’s curled against the wall, being tended to by Tersie, who appeared shortly after the fight when Viskri messaged her. There’s been a lot of blood spilled here, but Viskri is alive and you’re alive and somehow Saiivux is still alive. Viskri will be alright, and would be even if there were enough time left for her to recover. But that’s not what you’re focusing on right now. Because your name is JOHKAT EGTAS, and you’ve got a friend of your own to tend to.

JOHKAT: saiivux.
JOHKAT: you alright bro?
JOHKAT: you with me?
SAIIVUX: ugh.
SAIIVUX: i’m... what?
SAIIVUX: joOhkat?
SAIIVUX: joOhkat?
JOHKAT: yeah, buddy.
JOHKAT: it’s me.
SAIIVUX: my head.
SAIIVUX: wh...
SAIIVUX: urgh...
JOHKAT: don’t worry.
JOHKAT: everything’s going to be alright.

Somewhere in the lab, a robotic dead girl watches a blonde alien boy shoot a laser gun through a giant brain. And everything changes.

|||

Your name is SAIIVUX CAPANDR, you stand on the edge of oblivion, and suddenly you understand everything.

///

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and today you’re finally going to get your copy of the SBURB BETA! You’ll be playing with some friends you met over the internet. ROSE LALONDE, DAVE STRIDER, and JADE HARLEY. You’ve never met them in person, but you’ve always felt close to them, like you’ve been through a lot together.

And for some reason, even though you don’t know much about the game, you have a feeling that the four of you are going to be the best players Sburb has ever seen.

A/N

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Well. This is certainly the longest thing I've ever written. Just this part, I mean. I'm not even considering the two memos.

It's also the first thing I've written in a while that I'm honestly happy with. I'm sure I could find some little things that I'm unhappy about, like the fact that some characters didn't get enough screentime, but overall I had a blast writing it and it feels good to have it finished. I even managed to use every character! Janya only appeared for one pesterlog, but she got plenty of screentime in Anyira's memo so I'm fine with it.

I did kind of want to actually draw Nelsha's shitty picture, but I figured it wasn't story-critical. I might draw it anyway.

Now, I wonder if I can write something that isn't in Courier...

[PingZing]

Hey, look! More

Hot Blooded: Chapter 12

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Tarfus finished sewing the Cancer patch onto the breast pocket of the second uniform, and held it up to appraise his work. A little crooked, but with a gimp hand and his tailoring skills as rusty as they were, it’d suffice. Unfortunately, now that that was out of the way, there was nothing to distract him from the need to patch himself up further. After retrieving the two uniforms from the laundry, he’d returned to the closet where he’d first bandaged his wrist and retrieved the medical kit. Now it was sitting on the table near the window, taunting him. He had no problem with blood, burns, broken bones, or bruises. On other people. But when it came to docterroring his own body, he was never able to shake a subtle sense of unease. It wasn’t a matter of disgust—he had left that milestone of self-loathing behind long ago. It was a matter of simple, practical paranoia.

He stood and crossed to the door for the third time and checked the lock again. Still locked. Still no sign of any enforcement officers come to batter it down and cull him with extreme prejudice. He sat back down and sighed. He hated how exposed tending to his own injuries made him feel, but it had to be done. In the threshecutioners, he’d usually been among those he trusted, or been able to find privacy. He didn’t know the territory here, and it made him nervous.

He sat down and opened the kit again, retrieving the burn salve. Applying it wouldn’t be an issue, even without a mirror. He was familiar with every crease, scar and line in his own body. Hours spent in front of a glassy reflection pane had seen to that. Hours searching for a reason, searching for understanding why he was cursed to bear the crimson swill that coursed through his veins.

He shook his head and popped the cap off the tube of salve, and squeezed a dollop into his hand. A strained grunt forced its way out between gritted teeth as he slathered it on his face and the salve went to work dissolving contaminants and speeding up the natural healing process. One of the bomb technicians in his flaysquad had once told him that the salve actually contained countless tiny organisms that consumed dirt and other foreign particles, and excreted the healing chemicals. Tarfus had told her to shut her mouth and stick to blowing things up; the last thing needed was his squad’s sapper telling him that his burn cream contained little bugs that crapped all over him.

He finished rubbing the salve onto his face and moved on to his forearms. He was lucky the Guardemolishers had seen fit to leave him his clothing after throwing him on top of the transport. If he’d been shirtless, this would have been twice as unpleasant. And, best of all, he was going to have to unwrap his wrist to get at the burns there. And then rewrap it. Again. He wished he’d thought his plan through a little further before charging forth. On the other hand, Stratet had always said that while everything was always clearer in hindsight, worrying about past failures was also likely to get you killed while you were busy staring at your ass. He sighed and brought his wrist to his mouth. A jerk of his head, and a fang slit the bandage open. He slowly removed the gauze from around his wrist, wincing as the still-fresh bandage stuck to the partially coagulated wound. The salve burned as it covered the areas around the wound and sparks shot up his spine straight into his thinkpan when the salve worked its way into the wound. The stuff was effective and thorough, but numbing agents had never even been considered in its creation. As a result, it burned like mad whenever it encountered open wounds.

The salve would take time to dry, and until then it wouldn’t do to rewrap the wound. He finished by rubbing the rest of the concoction onto his neck and other arm. He sighed as relief finally registered in the frayed nerves of his face and neck. The salve may not have any painkilling properties to speak of, but as it went to work healing his burns, Tarfus swore his skin already felt several degrees cooler. That was enough for him.

While the salve was drying, he finally took off the damned stupid impractical robe and struggled into the uniform’s pants. He sighed in relief at the familiar feel of the rough canvas. It was amazing how vulnerable he’d felt in that stupid, gossamer-thin robe. He ran his fingers along his upper body, feeling for bruises, cuts and broken bones. Surprisingly, the largest cut was from the guard’s spear in the Grand Highblood’s chamber and, shockingly, he found no broken bones. More bruises than he liked, but those wouldn’t leave any lasting damage or hamper him much.

His face was another story. What wasn’t burned was bruised, and what wasn’t bruised or burned was cut. If the tenderness was any indication, he had two black eyes—it was a wonder nobody had spotted the odd color of the bruising or the cuts. Still, if fifteen sweeps of life had taught him anything, it was that people saw what they wanted to see. Unless they saw him bleeding actual shockingly-crimson blood, they often ignored any oddness in the color of his wounds. A trick of the light, they would think, maroon doesn’t come in that color. Probably just dried weird, scabs don’t look like that.

Ah, blissful ignorance. It suited him well enough. Plain sight was often the most effective place to hide, and Tarfus was if not a master of the craft, then at the very least a promising apprentice.

His probing fingers didn’t find any open wounds on his head. He looked like he’d gotten in a fight with a lawnring cutting device and narrowly won, but upon reflection, that would actually serve his purpose very soon.

The salve on his wrist was dry enough. He rewrapped his wrist, and put on the black shirt and uniform jacket, buttoning up the latter. He stood up and slipped his left arm back into his makeshift sling. He felt naked without a sickle at his belt, but the simple change of clothing did wonders for his sense of security. Now he could move without the fear of a stray desk corner and some flimsy fabric revealing his secret. For the first time in nearly a week, he’d had time to gather his thoughts, recover and prepare. And now, it was time to find the location a certain Royal Mathematician’s respiteblock and work on getting some answers.

He marched out of his block and found his way to the servant’s access halls again. With his supposed blood color on display again, he’d draw less attention in here. A maroon openly walking the halls of the Empress’ compound was conspicuous, and he wanted to avoid further notice at least until he found Almesian. It was a short trip through the cramped lightless corridors and stairways back to the hallway outside Royal Historian’s office. Best of all, no one paid him a second glance this time. Perfect. He was going to enjoy this.

The door to Lucida’s office crashed open, revealing a startled Historian half-hidden behind mounds of paperwork and folders.

“I nearly forgot,” he said, “I have something of yours.” He tossed the medical kit onto Lucida’s desk where it bounced. “You know, I’m shocked. Thought you’d come chasing after me, desperate to record the freaky mutant’s existence for posterity. I guess ‘historian’ really is as pansy-assed a profession as it sounds.”

Lucida rolled her eyes. “For your information mister ‘freaky mutant’, I have a lot of documents to sort through, and not a lot of time for your self-deprecating histrionics, historically significant as they may be.” She paused. “Besides, I had a feeling you’d come back.”

“Really? How the fuck’d you know that?”

Lucida flashed him a wide smile. “The voices of the dead told me to expect you.”

Tarfus stared, nonplussed. “Okay, that’s the sort of cryptic nonsense bullshit I’m just going to ignore. Look, I came to make a deal; can we just get straight to the point?”

“Very well. What do you propose?”

Tarfus clenched his jaw. This plan had been fantastic until his thinkpan had caught up and informed him just how moronic it was. As usual, he overrode its opinion and soldiered on. “Simple. I need information, and I think you have it. In exchange, I let you interview me, or study me, or whatever the hell it is you do.”

Lucida stood up and turned to the window behind her desk. Tarfus’ eyes narrowed thoughtfully. Not a soldier then—they would never turn their back on anyone if they could help it. He filed that thought away and paid attention to what Lucida was saying.

“Historians typically deal with the past; things that have already happened, that we can be objective about,” she began, slowly. “And normally, I wouldn’t agree to something like this because of that. But,” she said, turning back to Tarfus, staring him directly in the eyes. “Both the whispers of the dead and my own instincts tell me that something is coming. Your appearance here cannot be a coincidence. I intend to record whatever happens, so I’m going to hold you to your promise. But right now, I don’t have time. So in exchange for your word, you’ll have your information.”

“My word? How do you know I’ll keep it?”

“Because,” Lucida said, smiling again, “If you don’t, I will find you, Mister Depinza.”

A chill ran through Tarfus’ veins. He hadn’t told anyone his name, much less her. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He demanded.

“Merely that if you fail to keep your promise, I will hunt you down and slowly dismember you through telekinesis. Nothing more.”

Tarfus snorted. “That all? Hell, I’ve heard worse. You’ve got yourself a deal, Historian. Now,” he said, all business again, “I need to know where I can find Almesian Lybnis.”

Surprise registered on Lucida’s face. “Is that it? I expected something more…monumental. Especially with the sort of information you’re using to barter.”

Tarfus shrugged, scowl deepening. “What can I say, I’m an inscrutable douchebag. Now are you gonna tell me what I need to know or not?”

“Of course. Almesian has a block on the twelfth floor. We’re on the eighth floor now. He’s in number one twenty-six.”

Tarfus nodded and left Lucida’s office without another word. She sighed in disgust, waved her hand and shut the door telekinetically behind him.

Tarfus walked quickly, as if he could escape the increasing pressure of his thoughts. He had dodged the question when she’d asked, but he had the sense of a gathering storm as well. He didn’t have psychic aid to reinforce his hunch, but being a soldier for over six sweeps had instilled him with certain instincts, and all of his were abuzz. Something big was on the horizon, and he had a feeling that he was going to be right in the middle of it.

He hadn’t just offered Lucida the chance to record him in the history books because he’d needed information on Lybnis. Granted, it was a useful side effect, but he could have just as easily offered something else; her life, not breaking all her bones, that sort of thing. He was a generous kind of guy. In truth, he’d been a soldier for too many sweeps not to know what was coming. Lucida was younger than him, and likely hadn’t spent much time in any combat-oriented capacity in her military service. She didn’t have his soldier’s senses. He’d seen enough convergences of events, gatherings of power, whatever you called them to know how they ended; hemochromatic rivers, though the earthy reds browns and yellows invariably outnumbered the teals, blues and indigos.

Tarfus was already living on borrowed time. When he went out, he wanted to be remembered. What better way than to make nice with the person who decided what ended up in the history books?

So wrapped up in thought was he, that as Tarfus entered the servants’ passages again he failed to check the corners for hidden threats. A shadow detached itself and quietly followed Tarfus. Just as he was reaching for the door to the main hallways it pounced, smashing him over the head. The world went black and Tarfus went down.

**

Tarfus awoke with a start and lashed out reflexively. A flash of pain lanced through his left arm and straight up into his thinkpan. He bit back a gasp, and jerked upright, opening his eyes. His blind flailing had smashed his injured wrist into a wall to his left. He groaned and looked to the right. Sitting behind a desk considerably more ornate than Lucida’s was a troll staring at Tarfus over a pair of glasses. The other troll stood up and moved to Tarfus’ side. Tarfus sprang forward, but the other troll dodged sideways and tackled Tarfus to the ground. Tarfus’ tried to kick out, but the other troll had his legs pinned, a forearm to his throat and a thumb to his injured wrist.

“I was only going to say hello,” the other troll grunted.

Tarfus moved grab the other troll with his free hand, but the other troll pressed his thumb down. Stars exploded behind Tarfus’ eyelids and he reconsidered fighting back for the moment. “Didn’t…you know? This is how…I greet people,” he wheezed out. He focused on the face of the troll holding him down. Male, mid-spectrum blueblood, no defining scars, probably working some cushy administrative role for the Empress, and oddly familiar. “Wait…I know you. You were the one from earlier…in the hall.”

“Ah, good. I was afraid I might have grabbed the wrong person. Though…” The other troll looked at his bloodstained red thumb and grinned. “I think this just about proves it.”

Tarfus glanced at the other troll’s thumb and groaned. Yet another person in this damnable place who knew his secret. He was getting careless. He weighed his options. He was injured, sore, tired, and pinned. This was getting to be much too common an occurrence. Time for an attempt at diplomacy. “…what do you want? If it’s my life, you’re too late, that belongs in all but deed to someone else already.”

The other troll levered himself off of Tarfus. “A spiritual death, then? Impressive and difficult; I’d love to meet whoever’s responsible.”

Tarfus laughed. “Hah! I’m sure you would. Now: what. The fuck. Do you want.”

“I have a proposition for you.”

Tarfus stood up carefully, eyeing the other troll, wary of any further attacks. It’d be just his luck for the proposition to be something absurd like “an easy death”.

“What?”

The other troll spread his arms wide. “A way out. In exchange for your cooperation, I’ll get you out of here, safe and sound.”

Tarfus narrowed his eyes. “And why the hell should I believe you?”

The other troll pulled out a small circular badge and Tarfus’ eyes widened. Inscribed on it was a Cancer symbol in every color of the hemospectrum, bordered by bright red on a black background.

Tarfus knew that insignia.

It had been the symbol of his revolutionaries.

Notes

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what a tweest!
Mostly background and filler for this one. Every time I try to move forward, I discover that I've got to fill in plot and prepare events for the future somewhere. There's this passage chilling at the end of the story file that I've been waiting to be able to use for weeks now. I might get there in chapter 13, but probably not.

Has anybody congratulated PingZing yet on becoming kinda canon? :P

Ohey I should probably go finish reading Hot Blooded now huh...

Heh, thanks. Sheer dumb luck to the rescue, huzzah. Time to greedily incorporate all the newly-revealed stuff into my outline! Makes certain characters' motivations a little murkier, but that shouldn't be relevant for a while; ought to give me enough time to work it out.

[Summergale]

Cage

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She sighs and strokes one long curtain of hair away.

"What did you do this time?"

Her fingers, coated in a light salve she had made herself, roamed slowly over the other troll's upper back and shoulders as she spoke. The blood still oozing from his wounds stained her fingers a rich, deep blue that, in another world, may have been termed royal. Here, though, it was merely noble, and the owner of said blood twitched and rolled his shoulders at her touch. He remained silent save for a few gritted-teeth grunts. It stung, but if she bandaged his wounds without first cleaning them he would have more to worry about than a mere irritation. His hands curled repeatedly into fists, the multi-hued blood crusted upon them flaking away. He would bathe later, when his beloved was done.

"I worry about you."

She shouldn't, to be honest. Darkleer may give her pretty things, leave gifts and ask what she would like, but it is simply a fancifully gilded cage. He gives her fine clothes and she wears them for him; twirls in the silken skirts and wears her hair in countless styles, and she should want to escape but she doesn't. The tunnels under his hive may lead to freedom, but it feels like her place is here. He risks so much for her, a common rustblood.

Her fingers skirt the deep scars over his shoulders and the way he cringes makes her want to weep. She wraps bandages around his sturdy form, ties them neatly, and hopes that this will be the last time. It won't be, she knows that, but it doesn't stop her from her wistful dreams.

He stands up to leave, and she contemplates her cage.

Inspired by this fine piece of art and the associated headcanon, from invalidgriffin (who remains so much more awesome than me).

[Megafire]

Kismesis: the Snake Chapter 5: Gossip is up on AO3

Goddamnit this took way too long to finish for some unfathomable reason.