MSPA Fanfiction VI: Trashy Rainbow Drinker Fanfiction

[SkaianRedeemer]

It's been a full month since I last updated anything, and while I've been handling a lot of messy things in my life, I still regret it a little. All the same, one needs to cast out buoy to show that everything's just delayed, not sunk, so here's a double update!

Wait, did I just say that buoy thing? And did I just end it with "sunk"? Shit, the sea puns are sinking into my brain! Getthemoffgetthemoffgetthemoffgetthemoff…


The Dargon Arc
Part 3 of 5 (1, 2, 4)

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The camera returned after a jump to the cabin in the Grundy Catchyegrabber, where Princess Berryboo worked with an extra-large piece of aquarium gravel to saw at the mesh ceiling that cut her off from freedom. The sawing took up a great deal of effort and made a great deal of mess, yellow dust spilling off into the inch or so of air below the wire and down into the water below where it billowed into in a cloud. She brushed away the mess with the tip of one of her tentacles, and found to her disappointment that all she had accomplished was to polish a minute patch of one of a hundred bars. Muttering frustration, she moved instead to the long edge of the aquarium and attempted to jam her makeshift tool under the edge to use it as a pry bar. With all her strength she struck at the gap only to be rewarded with a muffled "pft!" and a smaller tool. Rat and Ram had done a good job securing the mesh, but the King of the Squiddles had not raised his daughter to be a quitter. Berryboo wrapped another tentacle about the stone and, eyes closed, slammed it forward overhead.

Bang! She, her stone and the water in the aquarium all slammed back at the force of a heavy blow that shook the aquarium hard against the bolts that held it otherwise still, to the blare of an orchestral sting. The instruments were no companion to the simplistic Casio tunes of the show's standard soundtrack, and heralded more than just the on-screen, where a green tentacle now lay across the box.

"'Allo love."

Berryboo, her pulverized stone sinking toward the fluorescent rocks below, shook with impotent rage before whirling away to face the wall. The sky through the nearby porthole was brighter than the night before, but not by much, suffocated from horizon to horizon with cloud that lit only by criss-cross of lightning. "Bo'sun."

The wide shot that followed – wide, but cramped, with the wall of the cabin taking up a quarter on the right and the foot of the bed much of the left – showed the sheer contrast between Ox and Berryboo. While still a Squiddle, Ox stood almost three times Berryboo's height, about the height of a child, and again in width. He hovered just above the floor, the mishmash of his tentacles hanging below him: long, stumped and hooked; one eye was covered by a patch. "Skip said you were giving it a go, so he wanted me to drop in and point out that it ain't gonna happen." He watched the stone come to a rest against the bottom. "But I guess we both know that now, don't we, darling?"

Berryboo was silent for some time, and as Ox waited for a response her tentacles, little strings compared to his, curled up defensively below her. "…Go away." She could make out his sneer and the ugly look in the glass before her. "I do not want to talk to you." Barely visible, Berryboo's own distorted reflection tightened. "…Bully."

"Heh. Bully, am I? Is that what you tell yerself?" He leaned forward, face close to the mesh, and whispered: "…Is that the worst you can do?"

"You are. You bully them and you bully us. You… I can't believe you!" She turned on him, tentacles swirling and her two foremost clutched into awkward fists of a sort. "What did we do wrong, Ox? You had a good home! You had all your friends. We miss you! Squiddler misses you. I miss you. We were friends! W-we were Tan—"

With another heavy slam, Ox's hook cracked through the mesh and into the water, wires splaying apart and away. Berryboo ducked into a corner of the tank with a screech and knocked over the tiny toy castle that had rested on the ground. The next shot came from her perspective as Ox loomed over her in a rage hot in his good eye.

"Say it," he said, voice level in spite. Berryboo shook her head furiously, and Ox responded by pressing forward with his hook until it curved to the glass, the protesting squeal and snap of the metal mesh overcoming the low music. Berryboo retreated further until the castle blocked her last inch. Ox reached up to remove his eye patch, the camera cutting from what it hid below to his view instead, on the face of the princess cast in shadow. "Then say how I'll let ye go. How we'll both run off back home and ev'thing…" And he tossed the eye patch onto the mesh, and with a strangled whimper, Berryboo began to cry. "Ev'thing will be all right again."

"N-not my fault," was all she said, shaking her head. Ox opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off.

"Bo'sun!" snapped a voice from behind before Ox had a chance to reply. Ox whirled as his levitation allowed but jammed hook prevented, and stared back into the face of Skipper Plumbthroat. "Out!"

As was part and parcel of the area, a crack of thunder accompanied Plumbthroat's arrive and Ox did not need to be told twice, extracting his hook and retreating with the same speed if not the demeanour as Rat and Ram earlier on. The skipper watched him go and even chased after him, shouting orders to tell the others to "keep prodding." He held his fearsome pose even after he had gone, though it slumped away as he stepped forward to catch sight of Berryboo. He knelt down to pick up a tool box from under his bed, from which he extracted a roll of duct tape. Plumbthroat worked in silence and she did not stop him as he applied a rough patch to the hole that spread across the entire corner, from short edge to long. Just before he finished, he paused, sighed again, and reached into the upper drawer, from which he pulled a shaker of fish food, which he slipped through the remaining gap. Finally, he turned to go.

"Eustace," said Berryboo in a trembling whisper, ignoring the food. He turned back and saw her looking up at him with need in her eyes, but she said nothing more.

"…stop trying to help him, Princess," he said at last. As he went on, from his tone it was clear he somehow meant to be comforting. "There's nothing but tears in trying to help a man that don't want to be helped. A wild plan like that one is even worse, because ye'd be stuck with the shark, wouldn't ye?"

"You heard? " Berryboo asked, and Plumbthroat nodded.

"You're right, you know. He is terrifying. That's why he works so well with the crew, all the good he's been since his ink went black." Plumbthroat scowled but Berryboo was not surprised.

"No friends here either." She sniffed. "He was my friend, Eustace. I can't… n-not… help him!"

"Don't cling to the past, Princess." The skipper turned to leave. "Eat."

"'Berryboo.'" The princess corrected, finding her voice.

"Tha's better," he said.

"Skipper?"

Plumbthroat looked up in surprise to see Berryboo clutching to a single fallen flake of the food, but looking straight at him. "…Thank you. You're a good person, S-Skip. You really… you really are. You should stop this. You c-can."

A heavy pause filled the air between them, and at one moment Berryboo caught sight of Plumbthroat's eyes darting toward the deck, and Ox, but the strange calm was rent by sounds from outside. Plumbthroat made his exit, but not without abrupt parting words: "…I've heard much more convincing things from ye, Princess."

Through the starboard porthole opposite the aquarium, Berryboo could make out sounds of shouts, splashes from the waves and protesting groans from a ship that began reeling and bobbing in the waves. Ox and Plumbthroat's voices roaring incompressibly in to the room, fighting to be heard against the stormwinds. A scream – Rat – had Berryboo nestled back against the castle for a time before reflex kicked in and she charged at the new patch of tape, hoping it might prove more pliable than the wire, to no effect. As she pushed and, from time to time, pulled her tentacles free from the sticky underside of the tape, a shadow cast over Berryboo. She looked up toward the porthole above and saw, to her terror, nothing at all past a massive silhouette that had risen opposite the commotion.

Another shout from Rat, safe and well-enough intact, drew the attention of the others and the sound of rapid footsteps played through the wall as the Casio rose another of its stock tunes and the shadow fled. No one came back for Berryboo, and the only company she had as the soundtrack faded was the low rumble of distant thunder. She could not help but to stare at the porthole in disbelief, wondering what had passed her bye. The shadow cast across her face by the tape seemed to split the princess almost in two. In the silence, she made up her mind and prayed to her friends, whispering to the clouded sky and ocean below: "…Please don't come."

--------------

Far away, in the bright light of the sun and fluorescent bulbs, a nun waded through a sea of children and smiled as one of them, about eight or nine, tugged on her habit and spoke up to her in a troublesome but still comprehensible lisp.

"Sister!" he said with excitement, "the Squiddles are here!"

---------------

"Intended audience response right here," Rose was saying when Jade paused the DVD. It only took a moment for her to see what had caused the delay. "Oh wow," she said. "It's Milo."

"I know!" Jade said, mouth wide. "I… never noticed him here before!"

"What's a Milo?" Feferi asked, picking another kernel of popcorn off of Nepeta, where they had all landed after Ox had slammed down his hook and she had jumped a foot. Nepeta giggled as though this tickled her, like always, and swatted away Feferi's hand in a continuation of their game.

"It's that kid, right there," Jade said, pointing to the boy just to the side of the speaking child. "Well, I mean, I guess it's him. It could just be, like a… 'Oh hey, we need a new kid, maybe we should just use one we've drawn before,' sort of thing."

"But who is he, then?" Kanaya asked.

"He's pretty much the main character of the Dargon Arc," Jade explained. "He's new to the orphanage, and doesn't have any friends yet."

"No one cares," Karkat said with his perfunctory tone, and in response Jade blew a raspberry in his face. "…the hell was that?"

Jade laughed. "I said…" And then she did it again: "Tbbbbpppt." Nepeta, loving the look on Karkat's face, leaned past Jade and did the same. "Okay," Jade said to regain the calm. "Look, so a few episodes from now, Dargon shows up. Then Milo gets his first episode, and he's the new kid so everyone's swarming him, but he's actually really shy."

"Poor fucking baby," Karkat said.

"Karkat, he just lost his family!" Rose pointed out, only to get an eye roll in response. The other Trolls, on the other hand, nodded as they had remembered better, both of which Rose was prepared to acknowledge: "His poor, fictional family."

Jade continued. ”Dargon shows up and points out that Milo's popular but he doesn't have any friends yet. He takes Milo to the basement of the orphanage where the thing Plumbthroat salvaged has suddenly appeared. Dargon goes all creepy for a while and eventually tells him that he can wish on the thing, and can wish to be popular forever, because he'd rather be popular than lonely."

"Dargon actually says the thing is evil," Rose corroborated. "It's not exactly the most refined moment in the history of the Faustian Bargain but I guess you don't want little kids selling their souls to demons or something."

"What happens?" Nepeta asked Jade, already deeply involved in the story as was her uncontrolled habit, clutching her hands close to her face in suspence. There she noticed that one of the kernels of popcorn had stuck to her gloves and she bit it off.

"Well," Jade said, "the Squiddles were tracking Dargon and find them, and they tell Milo that he can make friends for sure if he just puts himself out there. So they and Dargon fight, Dargon runs away with the artefact, and then the Squiddles help Milo make friends with a girl named Carmen and her brother, uh…"

"Diego," Rose said. "Pre-Dora and still viable as a name."

"At the end of the episode, they show that everyone else actually did stop being friends with Milo," Jade said. "I mean, they still sort of respect him in later episodes but it's weird that they ended it like that."

"Except that it's Season 3," Rose noted. "Abrupt, depressing finales are pretty much par for course."

Kanaya, who was by that point kneeling down on a pillow behind the couch, looked up at Rose from the corner of her eye. "And this is the 'cute one,' you said?"

"Well, yes, this one."

"Hmm…" Kanaya tented her fingers in a way that almost hid her grin. "If this is what you call cute, try not to compliment me for a little while."

"Well, I'll try," Rose said, pulling a pillow out from behind Karkat and kneeling down next to Kanaya. "But I doubt you're going to make it very easy."

Nepeta made a tiny happy sound and then glanced up at Jade and Feferi with an ignorant knowing smile. Karkat just roared into his hands, a shout that sounded at least partially like "Put it back on for fuck's sake!", enough that Jade did exactly that.

---------------

"Hahaha, I know the Squiddles are here, Sebastian!" said the nun as she took the boy by the hand and led him on through the crowd. "Nothing else would get you all so excited, my goodness!"

"Gyaaack!" The camera adjusted to show a crowd of children, about a dozen, crowding about a single spot. With a mighty pull, Squibump appeared from the spot, hovering in the air as Squiddles do and pulling a seashell cart behind him. "Sister Bethany!" he said with surprise, and then fell to the ground. With another heave he reappeared above the heads of the children. "…help!"

"Good morning, Squibump!" the nun greeted, and took the rope from him. He hovered up to her shoulder level, followed by the gleeful laughs of the children who reached out to tug at his feelers. From behind and with a spin, Squibella followed. Sister Bethany had to lean closer to see the little Squiddle in detail, her bifocals perched at the tip of her nose and almost pressed up against the flying jellyfish. "Why, hello to you too, dear!"

"Hello!" Squibella said at once, but then faltered. "Hello, uh… uh…"

The nun laughed happily and reached out to tickle Squibella. "My name is Bethany, dear, but you can call me 'Sister' if you like. That's what all the children do at first."

Squibella made a face in close-up. "But you're not my sister."

Sister Bethany just laughed, and helped pull the cart over toward the orphanage: a small, red-painted building perched on an island just large enough for it and its children. In the distance, a fishing town of moderate size could be seen perched on an island just across a small patch of sea, with ocean otherwise in all directions. As they walked, Squibella continued her protests, pointing out that "my sister is at home!"

"What a heavy cart today, Squibump," she said in small talk as the scene began to fade in sound and visuals to the next. "Squinanna must have been working herself to the gills! I told her…"

The scene picked up in a small kitchen, where Sister Bethany handed off a tray of cookies to the boy from before – Sebastian – and a young girl, who carried it carefully out. Watching them as they went, the nun filled a glass from the tap and took a sip, eyes still on the room beyond where the children were playing tag with Squibella.

"Gosh, it's looking pretty busy, Sister Bethany!" Squibump was holding two cookies of his own as he floated. He took a bite from one but made sure to chew (exactly) twenty times and swallow before speaking again. "Are you doing all right with all of them?"

"Yes…" said the nun. "Sister Mary is in town picking up supplies. And there were new children the other day."

A cookie half-raised to Squibump's mouth dropped away. "…Oh."

"They're doing well, I think," she said, pausing only for a quick drink. "The little girl won't let go of her big brother, do you see? Haha. She's going to have to let go if she's going to chase Squibella though, isn't she? Do you think she will?" she asked, as much to the Squiddle as the audience. Squibump nodded, agreeing through a full mouth. "…She'll be making new friends in no time."

("Oh no," Jade said. "I never understood that part before."

"what is it?? what am i missing?")

Squibump dropped into frame and landed firmly on the Sister's shoulder, which he squeezed. The nun reached up toward him with her opposite hand, but stopped when the children returned with Squibella in tow.

"Hehehehe!" Squibella spun into place next to her Tangle Buddy. "They're all so…" She paused for breath. "They're fast! You should come and play!"

"Ohhhhh, I don't know about that, Squibella." Squibump let go of the Sister and moved back to where he had set his snack. "I'm not really a fan of tag!"

Squibella floated straight in front of him and sashayed back and forth to keep him from getting by. "But you neeeeeed more exercise!"

"Sister!" said the little girl, somewhere near eight years old herself, who had entered. "We need more napkins!"

"Over in the drawer, Amber," said the nun, who stepped aside to allow her access. "And thank you for noticing!"

("That's Sebastian and Amber," Rose said. "They're the main kid characters. Well, until Milo showed up they were the only kid characters."

"FUCK, HOW DO YOU TELL ALL THESE CHARACTERS APART? HOW IS THERE ANY CHARACTER GROWTH OR DYNAMICS?"

"Well, Karcrab, t)(ose ones are s)(aped like )(umans! )(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E."

"UGH, BRAVO PRINCESS.")

Sister Bethany stepped over to the Squiddles. "Why don't you help the children carry over the napkins, you two?"

"Yeah!" shouted Squibella. "C'mon, Squibump! We can lift it together! Weightlifting! C'mon everybody, join in!" She grabbed a tentacle and made off with him. "1, 2, 3, you know?"

"Aww, Squibella…"

But in the end he helped out, carrying his own end of a pack of napkins. As they walked with the children, Amber spoke up.

"So where's everyone else?" She set her napkins on a table laid out with sandwiches. "Where's Squiddette, and Squiddler, and everyone else?"

"Ohhh, I don't know if I should tell you that." Squibump made sure the napkins were stacked evenly as Sebastian opened the first and passed them over. "They're busy with a problem right now."

Sebastian spoke up in a conspiratorial whisper. "Is it… Skipper Plumbthroat?"

Amber joined in. "Did he kidnap the princess?"

Squibella floated down into the triangle the three had formed. "Why does everyone always already know that part?"

Squibump looked up and then back to the group. "Okay, the princess might have been kidnapped again, but Squiddler and Squiddette will deal with it! They're on their way to the Island of Dread and Hate as we speak!"

The children were obviously shocked. "The Island of Dread and Hate!" Amber said, barely contained below speaking volume.

"That's where all those ships have disappeared! I know where that is!" Sebastian met his friend's eyes and they reached an immediate, unspoken consensus. "We have to go help them!"

"Huh? " Squibump flew up to them and began waving his tentacles. "Nooooo! "

But the children were not listening. "Come on, Squibella!" Amber said as she ran. Squibella, taking in the excitement of others as it was doled out in front of her, giggled and flew off only moments behind.

"Ohhhhhhh…" Squibump looked around, but it was obvious that Sister Bethany was all alone today, one way or another. He grabbed a sandwich and made his way off after the others. "Why is it always me?"

EDIT: Whoops, sorry aC! Argh, I hate bottom-paging people!

[SkaianRedeemer]

The Dargon Arc
Part 4 (1, 2, 3)

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Far away, Squiddler, Squiddette and Squidradar continued to make their way through the ruin, Squidradar in the lead. Every few feet he would stop, close his eyes and concentrate, his friendship powers spreading out through the ocean and back to him like a loving echolocation.

"Just another hour now!" he said. "We've just got to keep going and… wait!"

"What is it, Squidradar?" Squiddler asked. Just behind him, guarding the rear, Squiddette clutched her coral staff and kept a careful lookout.

"There's something big ahead. Not another ruin, it's an animal. Wow… or maybe there's just a lot of them! Could it be…"

"We should go around," Squiddette said. "We don't want to bother anything that lives this close to the Island of Dread and Hate!"

"But that's just it, Squiddette!" said Squidradar, almost smiling. "I don't think they live there. They're not even near the island! I think it might…"

And then he stopped. Indeed, all three of the Squiddles stopped what they had been doing. Squiddette even loosened her grip on her staff. Turning slowly, they came about face to face with one of their most powerful, natural enemies.

"Well I say, what do we have here?" said the sea turtle. "I was hardly expecting to have guests for dinner!"

Squiddler reached out a quivering tentacle. "W-we're not afraid of you!"

The turtle extended its head toward them. "Aren't we now? Now, let's not make this personal."

And in immediate reply, Squiddette struck him across the face with her staff. The others, and even she, looked about for a moment, bewildered, before she shouted: "Swim!" She grabbed Squiddler and they both swam for their lives in one direction, while Squidradar, in a moment of panic, took the other, heading back the way they had come.

Squiddette led Squiddler over a nearby bank of sank, directly away from the turtle, and noticed a nearby hiding spot formed by two pieces of rotten timber. They pulled into it, panting for breath.

"Did you see where Squidradar went?" Squiddette asked.

"No!" said Squiddler. "We have to go back for him." Squiddette was still panting but nodded. In the background, barely perceptible at first, the sand beneath them began to shift.

"We need a plan, fast!" Squiddette said. "I'll distract him with my staff and you… uh… you lead Squidradar right back here when he's not lookiiiiiiiii—!"

From beneath the soft sand a second turtle lunged out with his head, snapping his mouth closed like a guillotine almost touching Squiddler's tentacles. In doing so the sand bank beneath the beams was revealed for what it really was, the beams supporting one another well without the temporary weight of the hidden turtle below. The jellyfish swam for their lives as Laughlin shook himself off.

Squidradar, for his part, had taken off toward a curious artefact ("It's t)(at t)(ing again! From t)(e ot)(er episode!") and hid in one of its alcoves. There he waited, trembling, and he cast his eyes down to the sand below. The sun was setting, and while it was distorted by the waves, Squidradar could make out the shadow of the artefact spread along the ground, superficially rendered by a computer in nineties vanity. Slowly, the original turtle raised up behind the artefact and began to search, and its shadow began to consume the artefact's. Squidradar watched the shadow of the artefact's mangled antenna, which was bent at an angle and branched thrice in one direction, twice in another. He stared, trembling, as each tick was consumed by the turtle's shadow as it rose up and over. As the turtle's shadow seemed about to overcome the final branch, where it would see Squidradar for sure, it turned and swam away.

Sighing with relief, Squidradar was not able to rest long, as he could make out his friends' voices in the distance. He had to help them, but what to do? He had only one plan: he clenched his eyes tight and sent out his thoughts once more into the deep.

As for his friends, Squiddette and Squiddler darted in opposite directions, only to discover that they now had two turtles chasing them rather than one. Squiddler ducked down and accidentally came too close to the ground, where he came to a rough stop.

"I say, boy, where do you think you're goin'?" said the turtle, who began to circle him as the music on the soundtrack again reverted to orchestral in a low key. "A'int nowhere to go in any direction, not when you've got two full-grown sea turtles on your tail."

"Funny," said Laughlin, who joined the other on the opposite side of his circle. Squiddette fell in just ahead of him. She careened into the ground, against a rock and rolled to a stop not far from her friend. "I was just telling her the same thing!"

Squiddler pulled up against Squiddette, who had hit the ground hard and had a dark-green bruise already formed on her head in the fashion of cartoons, but otherwise quite without, as she stared hard at the ground below her. Squiddler reached out a slow tentacle towards her, but she did not react, instead looking vaguely to one side like she could do no better.

"C'mon, Squiddette," Squiddler whispered. Nothing. He began to shake, and the turtles closed.

"Don't see many brightly-coloured jellyfish though, do we, Laughlin?"

"No, sir!"

Slowly, Squiddette looked up with her whole head, a low groan coming from her mouth. Though the turtles edged ever nearer, she reached out and took Squiddler's hand, understanding, and he smiled back with some confidence. "Well," he said. "Then I guess you don't know what we can do… when we're with our friends!"

And the two jellyfish began to glow, an aura formed of both colours that shone in the deep water. It cast off beyond them in soft waves, in a fading gradient that overcame the dank of the ocean floor and filled the underwater graveyard with colour. The turtles froze at the sight of the glimmering light, a tactical mistake, as the light lanced off in a wide beam and struck Laughlin hard on the underside of his shell. The beam faded as he fell away, and Squiddler looked to his friend in confusion as her eyes fell closed.

The other turtle glared down at the jellyfish beneath him. "And what do you do when you're running up against someone and his friends?"

He gave them no time to answer. With speed not belied by what he could manage on land, the turtle crashed to the ground in a flurry of sand, knocking Squiddler away, and he slammed his jaws tight about Squiddette.

And so, in an instant, it was over; but in another, the victory changed hands. A shadow moved above, unseen by the camera favouring Squiddler's shocked and narrow point of view, and a massive shape – a tail – came down and struck the turtle hard across the back. With a lurch, it coughed up Squiddette and a cloud of sand, and Squiddler was by her side in an instant.

She was looking about the world in a slow, staggered way when he caught her short of the ground. "Squiddler?"

"…Hi," he said back. "Are you okay?"

Squiddette mumbled a reply but took to her tendrils, floating in the water under her own power. Squiddler could only pass along a guilty, nervous smile he disentangled from her and looked up at their saviour.

Their rescuer was no small denizen of the deep. It loomed above them high and above such that they were only small shapes on a massive matte that had been drawn to spare the animators the trouble of working with such a beast frame-for-frame. Instead it existed as a creature of watercolour and heavy shading, cast by scattered light through the prism of water above. It cooed down at them through the combed teeth of a baleen whale.

The whale song went uncaptioned, but Squiddler seemed to understand it well enough. "Yes sir," he said. "Thank you, sir."

Squiddette looked up under her own power and Squiddler followed to see Squidradar arrive. "I told you I sensed something!" he said with a laugh, and was barrelled over by another new arrival. A young female baleen, about his age and not at all his size, came to a stop in front of the others and took an immediate interest in Squiddette.

"I-I'm fine, really," she said in response to the calf's soprano cries. "Really."

("That's his friend he mentioned earlier, that had to go away," Rose explained. "'Bailey.'"

"Yeah," Jade said. "Sorry, I didn't want to force you to watch all them or anything."

"YEAH, GREAT, IRRELEVANT FUCKING CONTINUITY. LET'S HAVE A GODDAMN PARTY OF THE STUFF, WHY DON'T WE?")

The father whale boomed down another song, to which the Squiddles replied in a very different matter.

"Oh, no!" Squidradar said for all of them. "We can't hurt the turtles!"

The camera cut to Laughlin, who was staring up at the whale with a mix of confusion and dizziness, but not so dizzy that he did not make out Squidradar's translation and take in with surprise and fear.

"Yeah!n" Squiddler said. "I mean…Just because they tried to eat us doesn't make them bad" And now, unmistakably, Squiddler began talking to the camera rather than the whale. "It's all part of the magical balance the world called the 'ecology' and the 'food chain!'"

"That's right!" said Squidradar, moving neatly into frame and taking on the same lack of respect for the fourth wall. "Turtles eat jellyfish because they need to to survive! There are other things out there that eat turtles, too! "

"So even though we don't want to be eaten, " Squiddler said, "we aren't going to be mad at the turtles, because they're just doing what we are: trying to survive! "

Then Squidradar threw all pretence to the current. "You and your mommies and daddies might eat meat too, or even get the money you need to survive from jobs that catch fish or work with meat! "

---------------

"Did I mention," Rose said, "that as well as being pro-poly, this show is also violently pro-consumerism?"

"OH MY FUCKING GOG I'M GOING TO BE SICK. HARLEY, I'M GOING TO BE SICK ON YOUR GODDAMMED LAP, GET READY."

"I think it's more of an editorial mandate because it just doesn't match the personality of the creators, which I'll admit is a bit sketchy but so much so that I couldn't believe they were all that interested in money most of the time."

"IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE NEXT TO ME, IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT."

"Okay, both of you shut up!" Jade had to put a hand in front of Rose's mouth to silence her, which Kanaya took over for her, but as for Karkat she simply took the popcorn from him. She ignored his angry puppy response with smooth poise. "If you're feeling sick, fuckass, you shouldn't be eating it!"

"Look," he said, "can we just fast-forward past the oh-so-valuable lesson here?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jade said, though she only had to do so for a few seconds.

"So…" Nepeta asked in the time it took. "Are there normally whales in this show?"

"Well, they show up from time to time," Jade explained, swatting back at Kanaya when Rose started giggling at something she was doing. "Just a few episodes ago, like I said, and again in a few weeks. It sort of ties in to another thing that's happening to Milo."

Seeing a curious look from the Troll girls on her left, Jade continued. "Well, Milo is doing just fine, and Dargon's been picking on the Squiddles in other ways instead. But one day, Carmen and Diego look like they're going to be adopted by someone from off the islands."

"What's that?" Feferi asked, and Jade and Rose took a few moments to describe the process of adoption to the suddenly intrigued Trolls. Nepeta explained the interest quite succinctly when she turned to the other three for confirmation.

"So it's sort of like a lusus!"

That accomplished to satisfaction, Jade continued her story. "Milo learns his friends are going to go and he's really upset. One day he goes into the basement and looks at the artefact, which magically shows up there again, and Dargon is waiting for him. He starts telling him really awful things about his friends, and Milo starts getting madder and madder at them."

"The worst part is that they're all true, because Dargon's a jerk like that," Rose said. "Sometimes he's just frank but the rest of the time it's just… people not being perfect. Kids don't get that."

"At the same time, Squidradar is upset because the whales have come back from migration." Jade hoped she did not have to explain migration, having forgotten she was talking to the sea princess, the huntress, the desert dweller, and Karkat, who would avoid admitting ignorance unless he felt it was absolutely necessary. "Bailey is a lot bigger, because she grew up while she was away—"

"And he," Rose interrupted, "lives in the thankless, pitiless and timeless void cartoon characters inhabit against their will."

Jade was able to ignore Rose entirely at this point, though she had a rougher time with Karkat, who was trying to get more popcorn. "Squidradar realizes that even though Bailey's happy to see him, she's changed a lot, and one day she'll be grown up and have a family of her own. Milo's just had a fight with the other kids, and he's thinking about going to make a wish on the artefact, when he runs into Squidradar and they talk." Jade shrugged. "Eventually they realize that it's good that their friends are going their own ways, and maybe it's even better for them, too. Some relationships are special and stay, some are special and… change. So they promise to make the best of what they have left, that sort of thing."

"And continuing our theme of abrupt, jerk endings," Rose finished: "the last shot is of him alone in the room he used to share with them. God knows where the other three that bunked there went. Sucked up into the void by Pathos, I guess."

"So, " Kanaya asked, swatting at Karkat for having strong-armed a handful of popcorn from Jade during her speech. "What does Dargon want that makes him so set on torturing this Milo?"

"It's actually pretty clever," Rose said. "Dargon's artefact is cued to activate on certain magic words. Two people have to say it: one from his world and one from ours. The magic word is, uh…" She and Jade exchanged a few rusty pronunciations before settling on "eyoosh." "Which," Rose continued, "through the way Milo extends his w's, sounds just enough like: 'I wish.'"

"What does it do?" asked Nepeta.

"It opens a hole in reality and lets Dargon through for real," Rose said. "Did we… mention that part? No? Well, the deal is that we never actually see Dargon the whole time. When he's finally revealed near the end, it… well, it turns out he's not actually there and he just… possessed Plumbthroat, because kids can only handle the idea of one villain, I guess. We hadn't seen him since this episode."

"So, Dargon's a ghost or something?" asked Karkat between chews.

Rose was about to answer when something occurred to her. Slowly, curiously, she met Jade's eyes, understanding at last. "…Sort of," she said instead of her original answer. "You'll see." To Jade, her tone was very different. "Holy crap!" she said, low, but not quite a whisper. "I… I had totally forgot! …Did I… block it out?" Jade was just as confused, but said nothing.

"What is it?" asked Kanaya, but Jade just waved her off.

"You'll see. In just a minute, you'll see."

-------------------

The show continued with Squibump and the two human children on an older-fashioned ship, but one still equipped with a motor that had them island-hopping at high speeds.

"Is this really such a good idea?" Squibella asked, her face full of glee more than inquiry as the sea-spray hit them all in the face.

"I'm gonna say no," Squibump said, "but none of you are going to listen to me!"

"But we've got to help our friends!" Sebastian insisted, though he seemed less confident than he had before. "And Billy thinks it's okay, right Billy?"

The camera cut to the side, where a man totally encased in an old-style bell-suit stood waiting, already attached by a hose to a machine on the deck. "Wellllllllll…" Billy said, "I dooon't really knooow if I can just say yeeeeeees…" He very slowly moved his hand up to his face, unseen even through the glass, as though resting it on his chin. "But I guess I owe you all a loooot of faaaaaaavouuurrrs. But don't blame me if you all get in trooouble!" He pointed an accusing finger at all four of them, which took almost thirty seconds. "And don't get hurt, do you heeaarrrr?"

"Don't worry, Billy!" said Amber. "I'm sure it's going to be perfectly safe!"

Dramatic irony forming an acceptable scene break, the camera panned across the waves for a transition, and with a subtle shift in the stock tunes and the fading light. The camera came to rest some time later, once again night on the pitch-black deck of the Catchyegrabber, where a light shone from inside the cabin. The camera's slow zoom came in to find Princess Berryboo picking between the splayed wire and the duct tape, having carved out a fair patch, if still not enough to escape.

Her efforts were interrupted by a crack of thunder, this one louder than those that had proceeded it in the scene. She looked up with surprise and found that the porthole window was open.

"Princess!" came the cry of relief, as Squidradar poked his face in through the gap. "We found you!"

"Oh, no, no no!" Berryboo said, and moved out from under the tape. "Squidradar! No! You can't be here, you have to go!"

"Is that her?" asked another voice, and in a moment Squiddette (looking much better with her bruise which had, again in the style of cartoons, entirely vanished) poked her head up in the window sill and struck a neat salute. "Your Highness!"

Berryboo could only let out a whimper of protest before Squiddler made his own entrance. "Princess!" he said with a smile. "Are you okay?" Berryboo nodded and Squiddler, efficient as ever, was already on the next question. "Where's Plumbthroat?"

"They're on the island," Berryboo replied. "Because it's not safe here! Squiddler: there's a monster in the water. 'The Leviathan!' You have to go right now!"

"Your Highness," Squiddette said, staff in hands, "I can't do that. If you're in danger, that means there's even more need for me to stay and guard you!"

"Besides," Squidradar said, "the whales will keep us safe."

Berryboo's reaction to the news was such that she actually began to sink. "The pod is here? In the water with that thing? Oh no, no, no, no, no!"

Squiddler was floating about the room, and turned back toward the aquarium. "Where's the screwdriver?" he asked.

"In the toolbox under the be—argh, no! Go away!" But no one was listening to her. "You have to—"

Lightning shot across the skies and below, as a bolt struck down not far from the ship. The thunder that followed was deafening.

"…oh no," Berryboo whispered.

"It's just a little thunder, Princess!" said Squidradar.

"No," Berryboo repeated. "Not in this storm. The Leviathan knows we're here!"

Squiddler was about to open his mouth to reply when the ship suddenly shifted, and the hope sank out of Berryboo's eyes. "Are we moving?" he asked, but the answer was immediately obvious, and reinforced by a wide shot of the ship suddenly on the move in a violent, ramping current and storm.

Squiddette, always willing to take her charge's word at face value if not her advice, took stock of the situation. "…Get the tape!" she said, and immediately set to work attacking the mesh with her staff. Despite Berryboo's protests, Squiddler joined her and began to pick at the tape with the screwdriver. They worked at the hole for a time, until suddenly the ship lurched, hard. While Squiddette caught onto the edge of the aquarium, Squiddler went flying in one direction and his screwdriver in another. It was Squidradar that retrieved it and set back to work, Squiddler coming over with a pencil. Seeing her friends were just going to stay until she was with them, Berryboo herself joined in, pulling on the largest splayed patch of wire with tentacles and cartoon teeth. The storm raged on.

"Got it!" Squiddler shouted, and Berryboo felt the splayed edge come down in her arms, and she pulled open a wide rent in the screen. Squeezing through the gap, she found herself out in the free air with her friends, who made to pile on her in a traditional hug before she beat them off and directed them to the porthole. Squidradar was first, Squiddette insisted on going last, but they all made it, only to find that they had only escaped into a worse situation. In an instant, a dark shadow lashed out, and Squidradar disappeared at once, under the waves.

Over on the dark, rocky shores of the Island of Dread and Hate, Plumbthroat and his salty band watched by bonfire-light as the Squiddles escaped, but there was no look of disappointment on their faces, just cruel jeers. Back aboard the ship, Ox and several other aquatic members of the crew boarded and immediately set to work. "Pull 'er out!" he ordered. "Run, or we'll lose her to the Locker!" Plumbthroat stood out on the coast surrounded by the others, holding the only spot of light on the shore cast by the flame in his pipe. Though his eyes seemed conflicted they could barely be seen in the shadows, and as worse shadows gathered in the air above the water he could not help a dark, triumphant smile cast into a focused relief.

"We have to go back after him!" Squiddler said.

"Squiddler…" Berryboo stalled, her eyes darting back and forth between the waves and the distant chance of safety, and Squiddette seemed posed to get her to the latter at even this cost. But their thoughts were interrupted when another shadow cut across them, forcing them to part. The piercing call of whale song broke out to follow, a cry that cut across even the stock, action soundtrack that had been playing. Instead the whales took over, confused and angry moans filling the night amid percussion of thunder, from which the orchestra, rising, drew their cues. The camera took to the skies, as below the Squiddles had opened a great whirlpool.

Lightning crashed and showed the outline of the larger whales on the outskirts beneath the violent waves. Inside their circling patrol: a great mass, which rose from the centre of the whirlpool as though oil from a crack in the ground. And like oil it spread out, amorphous and sprawling, until it had grown to the edges of the whirlpool, and beyond, huge beyond measure. As it grew, the whirlpool deepend and the ship began to spin in, Ox and his patrol fighting against its ultimate destruction. And as they fought, the soundtrack reached its crescendo and, the Leviathan breached the lowest point of the whirlpool, skin shining in the light of the storm. Its head peered out and its great beak opened wide, the water pouring inside in its spiral, into a mouth large enough to swallow the ship and the tiny Squiddles in a single bite. And it continued to rise.

-------------

Jade paused. The room, even those that had previously been ignoring the others and their movie, was silent except for the voice of Rose, who was whispering to herself. "How did I forget?" in variations over and over.

"…Well…" Karkat said, "isn't it obvious, Grimdarky?"

The only one who was not staring at the screen in revulsion was Feferi, who was simply confused. She peered up at the shot, frozen as it was on a lightning flash, and reached for the remote, moving from frame to frame until she was satisfied. She then turned to Jade and answered the question that had started this all.

"Yep," she affirmed. "That's my lusus."

DVD Bonus Material

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Sachin Bhatt (b December 29, 1967 – d April 13, 2009) – Voice of Billy the Bellsuit Diver, many wildlife voices, among others, Seasons 1 through 3. Bhatt, who rose to become a Bollywood leading man in 2003, had his roots in a wide variety of early projects, including all three seasons of The Squiddles. There, he served as the second Billy the Bellsuit Diver before being replaced by a rotating stable of production assistants until the show's death. Brought in during the transitional period between production studios between the pilot and Season 1 proper, Bhatt's vocal range proved much wider than his now-popular tenor. His sonorous take on Billy conflicts dramatically with his energetic take on eels and small birds that made him a show regular and fan favourite, and he was kept by producers long after production was moved out of Bombay. Sanchin left the show in Season 3 in a show of unity with Marsette and Watt. His last few exchanges with the producers appeared to have gone foul, as the famously polite Sanchin shocked an interviewer by revealing – calmly – that he had outright burned the final letters sent to him after his employment was terminated. "That," he said, "was enough."

Aesha Kattan (b August 23, 1986 – d August 21, 2008) – Voice of Squibella and Carmen. Kattan's voice acting career had only just begun with The Squiddles, when Studio Upton hired her to voice their new infant Squiddle. Kattan remembers being terrified not by the recordings but by the readings with other cast members, but says that they welcomed her with open arms. "I was just doing my voice for Squibella, not anything special. Everyone else took me under their wings and helped me to really do this right." While Kattan was too young to actually quit the show with her compatriots, she said that she would have gladly. "They're my heroes. Were and are. I don't much remember the studio, and what was going on there, but if they said jump, I would have trusted them. Meeting with Laura, Sachin and Amelia were some of the best memories of my life. […] If we wanted to do a reunion I'd be there in a heartbeat, but some of them just don't want to talk about it." In the summer of 2008, Aesha Kattan was killed while on a trip to the beach with friends, after being pulled underwater by a riptide. She was 21.

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Advancing the cliché checklist: blatant PSAs, children running off on adventures without proper supervision, gratuitous child characters to appeal to demographic that does not related to cartoon animals, blatant defiance of physics and the rules of breathing (from the trailer, not mine this time), inaccurate portrayal of serious injury… Well, mostly inaccurate. Yeah, Squiddette has a concussion after she hit the ground in the chase with Laughlin, not that I can even partially work out how that's possible for a cartoon jellyfish in a children's show. So much wrong about that. That's how I knew I had to go with it. Certainly an inaccurate portrayal of healing.

So why is Ox huge, beyond that he was portrayed that way in the trailer? Well, continuing my theme of this fanfic representing bad aspects of some cartoons, the answer is honestly that they did not have a reason. It was just for the hell of it. An alternate, just-as-entertaining answer would be that he was initially a large Squiddle and grew to absurd proportions with each new production studio. By the time production was bought out by Studio Upton, they didn't realize why he was that size at all and instead of correcting it, upped him another grade. What I can tell you is: yes, he was a "good" Squiddle on the show at first. He is about Berryboo's age: a year older than the other Squiddles. The real-world reason for his heel turn was in response to a Japanese voice actor shift. As to whether what happened to him actually happened in an earlier season episode: yes and no.

"O)( MY GOD, W)(AL-ES!!" One little detail I had to drop was that Feferi is the kind of movie-watcher who feels the need to comment on everything going on on the screen. Saying "Oh my god, she's hurt!" when Squiddette hit the ground, and so forth. One of the fun bits about this fic is showing the aHiHH cast in a friendly, hanging-out situation, but most of it really had to go.

Yes, the Squiddles can actually do the Care Bear Stare. I am not making that up for shits and giggles. It's in the trailer. I have very little interest in inventing Squiddles fanon outside of characterization. …Oh, wait, the orphanage in the trailer was just a school, wasn't it? Uh… no comment.

Originally the whales had actual dialogue, which included an exchange with one of the turtles and prompted Rose to name Sachin Bhatt and crack that he was "talking to himself." This prompted Karkat to kick the wind out of her sails by saying "WELL SINCE NO ONE'S ACTUALLY LISTENING TO YOUR DAMN TRIVIA, I GUESS HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE!"

Before anyone corrects me, I did indeed mean to say "Bombay" and not "Mumbai." Production of The Squiddles was moved out of India long before 1995, when the name was officially changed.

[newbonomicon]

If Skipper Plumbthroat has a Squiddle in his crew, why does he need to hunt more? Shouldn't a giant Squiddle produce enough Squiddle Ink for him to be set for life? Also, Feferi calls Karkat "Karcrab". Also also, some of the color tags got messed up.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Ox's ink is just black ink now, because it's not imbued with the power of friendship! Please try to picture me saying that with a straight face, it's funnier that way. That was originally a line in the fic but bringing it up for no reason made it seem like Plumbthroat was apologizing for Ox's dickish behaviour as though it were biological. It's not. Given that it does make a plot hole, it should have at least ended up in the author's note, though, so I'll admit that foul. I'll give it some thought and put it somewhere. EDIT: Yeah, I just put the line back in. It's not so bad.

Actually, Feferi never once calls Karkat "Karcrab," though she did once call him "Crabcatc)(". It is pure fanon, like "Karkles" and "Karkitty". Though since I use those, why the hell not?

Huh, I thought I searched for broken colour tags, but there they are, looking stupid. Yeah, I'll get those too. Thanks!

EDIT: Whoa, those colour tags were a DISASTER. Thanks a lot, newbonomicon!

[Hazel]

I've been going with S)(arkat, although I have no idea why. Karkitty, though, is just too good to give up.

[catastrophicGenesis]

What haven't I used as a bad-fish-pun on Karkat. Karcatfish, Karcrab, Koikat, Carpkat, Charkat (sorry, C)(arkat)...

[newbonomicon]

I seem to remember it being in Alterniabound, or possibly [s] Kanaya: Return to the Core. In one of those she calls him that if you talk to her while being her. I think.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Hm, you might be right! I hadn't even considered scoping out the flashes. Well, either way I put it in, because using adorable nicknames for Karkat are one of the best parts of writing for poor Karkat! Thanks again!

[Decker]

What haven't I used as a bad-fish-pun on Karkat. Karcatfish, Karcrab, Koikat, Carpkat, Charkat (sorry, C)(arkat)...

I think she called him "Crabcake" too.

[draconicAlgorithm]

Here, have a fic. It's a weird headcanon with some pre-SGrub Vriska <> Kanaya fluff.

Also, I am working on other things. I'm hoping to have more things done by the end of the weekend.

Basket

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It was a long, weary half-day's travel from Kanaya's hive to her destination. She supposed that she was lucky in a lot of ways that the distance was even that short. Vriska could have easily lived on the other side of the planet, making any attempt at visiting totally impossible. In spite of the journey, however, she had finally made it to the rambling tower that was her moirail's hive. Though she would have preferred to be better dressed, any of her fancier clothing would have been ruined by the long road she traversed, and so she was left in her less fashionable work clothes with a thick coat to keep out the winter chill.

The sun had set a short while ago, which suited Kanaya just fine. Vriska ought to be waking soon, and with the absence of sun, the temperature was dropping as well. She'd be glad to get into a hive where she could get warmer.

Upon reaching the door, Kanaya knew better than to attempt to knock. Vriska's respite block was too high in the tower to hear it, and there were no other devices to alert the troll girl of someone's presence at her front door. Instead, Kanaya pulled her lunchtop out of her modus and brought up Trollian. Thankfully, Vriska was on.

-- grimAuxilitrix [GA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] --

GA: I Respectfully Request That You Come To The Door Of Your Hive And Let Me In
AG: What? Oh, fussy fangs, you shouldn't have!!!!!!!!
AG: I'll 8e down in just a minute. ::::)

Kanaya exited out of the window, the response bringing a smile to her face. She closed the lunchtop, captchalogued it once more, and brought out a large basket in its place. It was filled to the brim and delicately covered with a colorful red cloth, with a small bouquet of blue flowers tucked artfully into the side. When Vriska finally arrived to answer the door, Kanaya had it ready to hand to her.

The other girl looked thin, which was what Kanaya had been afraid of. Vriska took the basket eagerly, captchalogued it, and then hugged her.

"You really are the best moirail! How did you know I was running low?"

"You always say that the second winter is the scarcest time of the year. Also, Terezi might have contacted me and told me you were looking thin." Vriska pulled out of the hug and gave her a sly grin.

"That jackass! I'll give her crap about it later. Anyway…" She let the jadeblood inside, and the two of them ascended the stairs, talking amiably. Though Kanaya always enjoyed her short visits with her moirail, she couldn't help but notice just how thin Vriska had become. Terezi hadn't been exaggerating. She was beginning to look a little sick.

"Why didn't you ask me sooner?" She said finally. "I would have come at any time—"

"I just hate bothering you with stupid stuff like that!" Vriska cut in, trying to look aloof. "It's no big deal. I can take care of myself." Kanaya smiled apologetically.

"I know you can, but everyone needs some help every once in a while. It's not weak to ask for aid from your moirail." Vriska just shrugged, but Kanaya knew she understood. It didn't mean she would actually do it, though.

The two reached Vriska's respite block soon enough, and as soon as they did, Vriska brought the basket out and set it on her desk. She pulled back the cloth and gasped with delight.

Inside the basket was a colorful array of fresh fruits and vegetables. Vriska dived in, examining everything from tomatoes, celery, and potatoes to sweeter fruits like apples and strawberries. Then, at the very bottom, she found—

"Peppers!" She exclaimed. She pulled out a large bunch of tiny red chili peppers. Vriska picked one out of the bunch and popped it into her mouth, relishing the flavor.

"Man, Kanaya," she said through the mouthful, "I can't find peppers anywhere that taste as good as yours!" Kanaya just smiled. The truth was that she didn't even like chili peppers. She grew them specifically for Vriska. Once the other troll had finished, she put everything back in the basket and then turned back to Kanaya, practically beaming.

"Really, thanks. All this ought to last me the rest of the winter—"

"I doubt that," Kanaya said. "I intend to visit again in a few weeks with another basket." Vriska opened her mouth to argue, but Kanaya cut her off. "I know you think you don't need the help, Vriska, but I want to. I wouldn't travel all the way here if I didn't."

"I know, but… It just seems weird, accepting help when there's plenty I can eat," Vriska finally admitted. "I hate taking charity."

"Vriska, meat isn't something you can eat when you're a vegetarian." The other girl winced at the last word. With a sigh, she sat heavily on the bed beside her moirail. Kanaya put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"I just…" Vriska started, then trailed off. "It's so stupid. Being disgusted by meat, I mean. It's something a wimp like Toreasnore would do. Not me."

"He also doesn't have a lusus that regularly eats other trolls," Kanaya reminded her. "Who needs to be fed other trolls. It's a natural response, Vriska. There's nothing wrong with you."

"But it never bothers me!" Vriska snapped back. "Feeding her, I mean. I never cared about any of them. It was just what I had to do to survive. But then, whenever I try to eat meat, I remember it. I can't get it out of my head. And it makes me sick." She shook her head. "It makes me feel weak. But I just can't do it." Kanaya nodded sympathetically.

"It doesn't make you weak," she said. "It makes you a troll. I don't care how bloodthirsty you think you are—there's a limit for everyone." She smiled. "Anyway, I was intending on staying the night and leaving in the morning. In the mean time, would you like me to cook?" Vriska's face lit up immediately.

"Really? That would be awesome!" She jumped up immediately and grabbed the basket of food. Kanaya followed, glad once again that she'd been able to help Vriska. After all, what else were moirails for?

[Tenebrais]

Vriska being a vegetarian is a pretty unique idea. I like it; it works well.

My only objection to your fic is that I don't think Vriska and Kanaya ever actually saw each other as moirails. Just friends that get a little pale sometimes.

[draconicAlgorithm]

To be honest, I've just always had this picture in my head of them being moirails, but I suppose there's really nothing to support it and them just being friends makes a lot more sense. It's just never occurred to me, for some odd reason. But thanks.

[anonymousComrade]

Hey, here's this thing

Hunters: Part 3

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DAWN OF THE THIRD DAY

- 24 hours remain -

>Aitris and Byakka: Investigate.

Oh hell no. Trying to blend in with hired muscle by loading cargo into a ship for two days is hard work. You haven't been found out yet, but all that heavy lifting has left you a bit sore. Guild training focuses on things like endurance running, combat fitness and agility training.

Pushing around heavy crates all night? Not so much.

You do need to continue the mission at some point, and soon. You know a few places where the prototype isn't, but you haven't discovered where it might be yet, and you have no clue what it actually is, thanks to the purposefully-vague mission briefing, so you really ought to get cracking.

But damn, does the feel of cool sopor against your skin ever soothe your aching muscles.

(An hour later.)

>Byakka: Do some snooping.

Okay!

Aitris is asleep in the recuperacoon on her side of the respiteblock. Your partner is probably still sore from all that work the two of you had to do. Poor girl, she's not used to manual labor, it seems.

But you grew up in the wilds of Alternia, having to fend for yourself most of the time. More than once did you have to drag a fresh kill weighing more than yourself back to your cave, and you had to do so while avoiding unwanted attention from the musclebeasts. You know how to cover your tracks, how to proceed carefully and silently. Most importantly, you know how to follow your prey without raising suspicions.

Tracking down the location of this mysterious "prototype" shouldn't be too hard.

==>

Some eavesdropping on the day guards on your part reveals little information, but what little you have gleaned may be enough to lead to the prototype weapon's discovery. Apparently, there's some kind of "important cargo" being held deep within the underwater facility... deeper than most hired goons (like the ones you and Aitris and pretending to be) have security clearance for.

The question now, you wonder to yourself as you pace near the first locked door you encounter, is how to bypass the security. You have some skills in the art of lockpicking; alas, the door is sealed with an electronic lock. Aitris knows a little about hacking into electronic security systems; unfortunately, she is still asleep back in the respiteblock.

Suddenly, your eye catches sight of a grate in the ceiling. Perfect! Ventilation shafts are and will always be a reliable and safe method of travel for you and anyone else, at all times. You are 100% certain of this.

>Byakka: Get up there!

-Lv. 32 SPAZTECH: OUT-NUTSING DOOSTY-

To get up to the grate, you are going nuts all over this wall. You are better than it. You spring up the wall, at least fast enough to punch the grate out of the ceiling.

Turns out it's on a hinge and opens easily by itself. Who would have thunk it? You climb into the vent with no trouble and begin exploring.

==>

From there, it's simply a process of elimination. Most of the rooms you can view from the ventilation system are empty, but one contains a conspicuously marked box. You pop open the vent and drop into the room.

Carefully, you slide off the cover of the box. The prototype is some kind of rifle, blue with a faintly glowing crystal in place of the barrel. Lying atop the gun is a slip of paper; it must be the schematics for the weapon.

>Byakka: Check schematics.

You give the note a quick glance.

PROPERTY OF THE ALTERNIAN ARMY

Prototype energy weapon, reverse-engineered from Oni weapons acquired on the field of battle

XR-6 Laser Rifle, codename "AHAB'S CROSSHAIRS"

You don't read any further than that because most of the rest of the note is technical specs and jargon that only the gearheads in Army Research and Development could understand.

>Byakka: Captchalogue the prototype and escape.

Already on it!

You make your way out of the restricted areas, choosing to remain in the air ducts rather than risk being found in the hallways en route to the respiteblock. It takes a while and you get lost more than once, but you find the path to the room. You kick the grate open and let gravity do the rest.

>Aitris: Awaken.

The sound of the ceiling grate clattering to the floor already took care of that, thank you very much. You are surprised a second time when your partner drops from the vent.

"Byakka, what the hell are you doing?"

"Carrying out the mission, sleepyhead!" She has the biggest grin on her face.

"Well, at least one of us doesn't seem to be fighting a sore back, it seems. What did you find out?"

Byakka is beaming now. "It's a rifle so you get to hold on to it. Here, catch!" She tosses you some kind of weapon that you barely catch in time to avoid letting it fall into the sopor slime.

Suddenly, the realization dawns on you. "Byakka, this... this is the prototype, isn't it?"

"Hehe, yep!"

You allocate the prototype to your Riflekind specibus. Your amazement at how well your partner gets down to business sometimes is never a thing that stops happening.

>Aitris and Byakka: Abscond.

You've done what you came here to do; a quick towelling-off of the slime and a change of clothes later, and it's time to blow this popsicle stand.

Unfortunately, you do not get very far outside the door to the respiteblock before you are stopped.

"Hello, ladies."

You turn around and oh Jegus, not that guy. He's the boss around here? You'd had your suspicions ever since you arrived but you had hoped you were simply mistaken. Sadly, that does not seem to be the case. The stories about this tool back at Guild HQ were the stuff of legends, and you have a feeling this encounter is going to be just embarrassing for all parties involved.

>Dualscar: Inquire.

"I don't think I've had the pleasure of seeing you two before. When did you arrive?"

The one in the green overcoat responds. "Two days ago, sir!"

"I see," you respond. "Didn't have any trouble finding the place? It's so hard finding good help when one's operations are as... discreet as mine need to be. I trust the accomodations are to your liking?"

Her friend answers this time. "Oh yes, the view in our respiteblock is simply amazing."

"So how did you two lovely ladies get mixed up with my crew, anyway? How well am I compensating you?"

>Aitris: Bluff.

What even IS the going rate for hired goonery, anyway? "Oh, you know how it is, just a couple of girls looking for good work. Thirty scarabs a day is what we agreed upon, if I recall?"

He begins laughing to himself. "Trick question. I don't pay my subordinates." Welp, your cover is blown. "Hand it over."

"I don't know what you're talking about," you lie.

"The prototype, lapdogs. You don't think I'm on to your game? Did you not question how easy breaking in managed to be? Did you once stop to think maybe the pieces lined up a little too well?"

You draw the prototype from your strife deck and take aim. "What's the matter, Orphaner? Surprised? We have what we came for. My partner and I will be leaving now."

"Do you?"

You aren't sure what he's talking about until another copy of the prototype materializes from his own strife specibus. "Did you not hear what I just told you? My dears, I've been expecting you! Surely you didn't think I hadn't planned for this."

You place his head in the sights of the weapon and pull the trigger.

*click*

It's a fake.

He has you down the sights of his own weapon, the real prototype. The crystal harpoon of his rifle begins to glow brighter.

"How disappointing. I really had expected better than this from the Guild."

Notes:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Ugh this just keeps getting lamer and lamer

Oh well, one more chapter to go and it's back to the main story, I promise

[SeptimusMagistos]

A Sweep Without Vriska (Chapter 3):

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Everyone: begin plans==>

Clearly, playing a game of cosmic importance and dealing with the loss of a homeworld isn’t enough for any of you. Everyone’s brought various agendas into the game and they’re playing out. Even now relationships are broken and forged anew all across the Medium. A would-be legislacerator fights her way to a Gate. Guided by dexterous, catlike fingers a palace of steel and silicon rises on a lonely planet. A subjugglator seeks new amusements; a mutant, new responsibilities. Conspiracies both heroic and sinister arise.

But let us start with something a little more innocent.

Tavros: contact co-conspirator==>

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

AT: gOOD AFTERNOON,
AT: iF IT IS AFTERNOON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW,
AT: i HAVE A FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT WILL GET MORE CONFUSING SHORTLY,
AA: hi tavros!
AA: d0nt w0rry ab0ut the time
AA: time is meaningless
AT: wHAT AN ODD THING TO SAY,
AA: haha yeah i guess!
AA: but n0w that ive said it it feels kinda true y0u kn0w?
AT: nOT, rEALLY,
AT: bUT I AM WILLING TO BELIEVE YOU,
AA: s0 whats up?
AT: oH MY GOODNESS, sO MUCH,
AT: i AM TRYING TO GET THE HANG OF THIS GAME,
AT: aND I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE WE COULD TRY TO TALK ABOUT IT,
AT: iF YOU WANT TO, tHAT IS,
AA: yes!!!
AA: team charge is 0n the pr0wl!
AT: oH, nO, i DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE AT ALL APPROPRIATE FOR US TO MAINTAIN A SEPARATE TEAM,
AT: wHILE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE BIG TEAM,
AA: n0 i guess y0ure right
AA: alth0ugh
AA: it feels really weird t0 be 0n a team with s0me 0f these pe0ple!
AA: i mean gamzee and eridan?
AA: what is that ab0ut?!
AT: oH, tHEY’RE REALLY NOT SO BAD ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW THEM,
AT: aSIDE FROM THE KILLING THING, tHAT IS,
AT: bUT THAT’S SORT OF WHY YOU NEED TO GET TO KNOW THEM,
AA: i think ill stick with ign0ring them
AT: i GUESS YOU CAN IF YOU’D RATHER,
AT: wOULD IT HELP IF WE TALKED ABOUT THE GAME INSTEAD,
AA: yes please!
AA: im having s0 much tr0uble figuring this 0ut
AA: first 0f all i think im supp0sed t0 time travel
AA: and im freaking 0ut ab0ut it because if i can travel int0 the future then d0es that make the future fixed?
AA: d0es that mean n0thing we d0 can change it?
AA: these questi0ns are kind 0f existentially terrifying!
AA: speaking 0f which s0me0ne typing in white text c0ntacted me
AA: y0ure kind 0f g00d at riddles see if y0u can figure 0ut what he meant
AA: he said:
AA: patterns repeat themselves s0 start 0ff as y0u mean t0 g0 0n
AA: l00k t0 the future f0r pr0blems and t0 the past f0r the s0luti0ns
AA: and i have n0 clue what that means!
AA: argh i am the w0rst maid 0f time!
AT: uHHHH, pLEASE RELAX,
AT: iN THE PAST, yOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN VERY BRAVE AND STRONG AND SMART,
AT: aND WHEN I WAS SCARED, yOU FIGURED OUT WHAT TO DO,
AT: sO I THINK THAT, eVEN IF YOU ARE FEELING NERVOUS,
AT: yOU WILL DO A GREAT JOB,
AT: i BELIEVE IN YOU,
AA: thank y0u tavr0s
AT: sPEAKING OF WHITE TEXT, tHOUGH,
AT: iF YOU WERE A GAMEPIECE, wHAT KIND OF GAMEPIECE WOULD YOU BE,
AA: the t0p hat
AT: hUH,
AA: what ab0ut y0u?
AT: iF WE’RE BEING HONEST, i THINK I WOULD BE THE PIECE THAT DOESN’T BELONG,
AT: lIKE WHEN YOU LOST SOME OF THE PIECES, aND THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO OPEN A DIFFERENT GAME, aND BORROW SOME OF ITS PIECES,
AT: tHAT IS ME, i THINK,
AA: maybe it is
AA: but!
AA: thats n0t a bad thing tavr0s!
AA: th0se pieces w0rk just as well as all the 0ther 0nes right?
AT: i GUESS,
AA: trust me 0n this 0ne
AA: y0u may believe in me
AA: but i believe in y0u
AA: there is a reas0n we were the best flarp team 0n alternia
AA: and it has just as much t0 d0 with y0u as it d0es with me!
AT: wELL, tHANK YOU FOR SAYING SO,
AA: like f0r example what are y0u d0ing right n0w?
AA: m0st 0f the 0thers are running ar0und killing imps and 0gres and trying t0 make it up the echeladder
AT: tHE WHAT NOW,
AA: exactly!
AA: y0u d0nt think that way d0 y0u?
AT: i THOUGHT I WOULD GET STARTED ON THE QUEST,
AT: sO NOW WE ARE TRAVELING AROUND THIS DESERT PLACE,
AT: lOOKING FOR PUZZLE PIECES,
AA: we?
AT: oH, yES,
AT: i HAVE BEEN COMMUNING WITH THE ENEMIES,
AT: aND THEY AGREED TO HELP ME, iNSTEAD OF FIGHTING ME,
AA: are y0u telling me y0ure playing this game like an rts?
AT: kIND OF, i SUPPOSE,
AT: oNLY INSTEAD OF BUILDING UNITS AT BASE AND FIGHTING ENEMIES,
AT: i AM JUST SORT OF RECRUITING THEM ALL,
AT: sO I GUESS IT’S MORE LIKE KATAMARI,
AA: y0u see what i mean tavr0s?
AA: y0u may n0t be like the 0thers
AA: but maybe thats a g00d thing!
AT: i WILL JUST KEEP DOING WHAT I WAS DOING THEN, i GUESS,
AT: gOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TIME TRAVEL,
AA: thanks!
AA: g00d luck with breaking the game! :)
AT: }:)

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]


Vriska: Ferment rebellion==>

You kind of like this guy’s style. Turning the enemy troops against them is a good plan. It’s just too bad he’s NO GOOD at it. Too passive. Too timid, even. You’re sure that anything he can do you can do better.

You run your mind over these weaklings, looking for weak spots; the cracks in the edifice. Your influence is a lot more subtle than that of the big-horned boy, but it stretches further. All over the Medium, those dissatisfied with their position make the small but critical decision to do something about it. It’s really some of your best psychic work.

Feferi: cover Tavros’s hive in stairs==>

Haha, yes. That guy is always talking up stairs and how much he loves going up and down them. Doesn’t he realize how insensitive that is to someone who spends their entire life floating? Well, if he likes stairs so much, you’ll give him all the stairs he could ever want in a gesture that’s a mix between a passive-aggressive jab and a friendly favor.

Also, you add lots of railings because you are NOT A SOCIOPATH.

You are extremely lighthearted and generally happy; despite the loss of your lusus and planet, all seems right with the world and everything is simple and straightforward.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Eridan: Try your luck at red flirting==>

You already are. It's been. . . well, do you want to see?

YES==>

caligulasAquarium [CA] is trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

CA: so thats howw it is fef
CC: O)( wow.
CA: yeah i knoww
CC: I mean WOW!
CA: im not sure i like wwhere this is goin
CC: No!
CC: Well, I mean I just never t)(ought of you t)(at way!
CC: Not in a million years.
CA: okay so if that wwas supposed to make me feel better
CA: wwell its not really wworkin is all i can say
CC: O)( no!
CC: ---Eridan I don't mean to )(urt your –E--ELings!
CC: Its just t)(at t)(is is all so surprising!!!
CC: And CONFUSING!!!!! 38?
CA: okay i get the surprisin
CA: but wwhy the confusin
CA: i mean wwere royalty
CA: wwere probably meant to be together
CA: or somethin
CC: I dont know about t)(at!
CC: But I never reely )(ad t)(ose kinds of eelings for you.
CC: And I dont know if I will or if I even can!
CA: wwell thats just great
CA: wwe had a good thin goin and i had to come along ruinin it
CA: go me
CC: U)(-oh)(.
CC: ----Eridan youre not going to do anyt)(ing stupid now are you?
CC: I still care about you even if its not in t)(e way t)(at you want!
CA: nah dont you be stupid
CA: wwhat stupid thin wwould i do anywway
CA: i dont evven knoww
CC: Well t)(ats good!
CC: Im not necessarily saying I WONT ever eel t)(at way about you –Eridan.
CC: I just dont really eel t)(at way about ANYON-----E rig)(t now!
CC: Like I said t)(is is all very confusing and I dont t)(ink I know w)(at to do about it!
CA: i dont think anyone evver reely does fef
CA: nevver mind wwell havve time to figure it out later i guess
CA: i gotta go shoot some imps or somethin
CA: teach them to exist when im in a bad mood
CC: Okay.
CC: )(ave fun, I guess?

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

Well, that went. . . honestly, not as badly as it might have. Upon further consideration, you think you have about THREE QUARTERS OF THE LUCK with the ladies today. That's not bad, but you do kind of wish you could have just a little bit more.

Eridan: Teach the imps a lesson==>

So you're kind of upset and kind of angry and you've just made things SUPER AWKWARD with your moirail. You think you're going to deal with your emotions the way trolls were meant to: with half-restrained murder.

Terezi: Face off against a criminal’s accomplice==>

You stride through this strange Land. It’s wonderfully bright, but there are no colors – this world is black and white. Mostly white, really, with black appearing only in the intricate patterns on porcelain.

You are not alone.

The first thing you hear is the crunch of indigo footsteps on the overly-sweet white ground. A vague smell of sweat and forest is carried to you by the mischievous Breeze. The second lusus in preparing to bar your path.

But he is not alone either.

The other two are much more stealthy. But you can still smell them. The crisp forest-green of their own blood and the faint traces of that of others; the brownish taste of wet earth slowly fading as it is scraped from their paws by the sugar granules.

The kitty-cat girl is on the prowl.

GC: COM3 OUT COM3 OUT WH3R3V3R YOU 4R3!

You hear a soft hiss. It’s angry and sorrowful, tinged with regret. You don’t think she wants to do this. Maybe you don’t either. Oh well.

Nepeta – you mean the accomplice – emerges from behind an enormous teapot. Her tread is getting decidedly less catlike. Little cubes roll down the intricate pyramids, breaking apart into fine white granules. You would much rather contemplate that than all the things about to go down right now. But her lusii are also emerging. The giant cat and the butler centaur. You wonder if any other kid on the planet has such dangerous guardians.

Well, no, that’s not true. You just so happen to know one.

You see the dilation in the centaur’s eye as he looks up to behold your lusus. It’s funny how this game works, really. There seems to be a strange balance to it. For example: very recently one of your number has been orphaned, her terrible, glorious lusus left behind to suffer the wrath of the asteroids. And, as if in exchange, you who have always been an orphan now possess a guardian of your very own. If you cared to, you could ponder the metaphysical ramifications of this for days. But right now that doesn’t matter. There is only one thing that does matter:

You lusus can breathe fire.

Warning shots, mostly. You really don’t think any of them could be hit even if your lusus was trying. But the immolating blasts melt the pure white cubes into something black and corroded, surrounded by pink slag. You can’t even see just how far down the craters thus formed go. It would be interesting to find out, you think.

The feline duo are helpless before the onslaught, their fearsome claws useless against the dragon. The butler lifts an enormous teapot and hurls it at the dragon. Not for nothing is he one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.

But not dangerous enough. Not to turn the course of this battle. You are solidly in control of the situation, which means that now you have a decision to make: do you stay and finish the fight, or do you move on?

The first is certainly tempting, in its own way. But this girl didn’t actually participate in Vriska’s killing, as such. She helped the killer afterward, in whatever way she could, and she still seeks to shield him from justice. But these are lesser crimes, and you are forced to prioritize.

Or at least that’s what you tell yourself and the dragon swoops in to carry you away.

They chase you, of course, but their speed is nothing compared to yours. The gate beckons, and with it the chance to finally make things right.

The chance to make him pay.

Kanaya: Seek to procure a body==>

grimAuxilarix [GA] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

GA: Greetings And Salutations
GA: I Apologize For Breaking Our Vow Of Mutual Non Contact So Soon
GA: But I Have A Favor To Ask Of You
CT: That’s a%eptab1e
CT: The c0ntact I mean
CT: Sad1y, fav0rs wi11 have t0 wait a whi1e
CT: I am about t0 be 0therwise 0ccupied sh0rt1y
GA: Oh
GA: Im Sorry To Hear That I Suppose
GA: If It Is Not An Invasion Of Your Privacy What Will Be The Nature Of Your Engagement
GA: ?
CT: S0me0ne wi11 sh0w up with the fu11 intenti0n 0f e%terminating me
GA: Oh
GA: I See
CT: Y0u are e%cused f0r y0ur sma11 part in this c0nspiracy
GA: Thank You
GA: You Understand I Never Had Anything Against You Personally
CT: Yes, it is a1ways c0mf0rting t0 kn0w that the pers0n trying t0 ki11 y0u is d0ing s0 f0r n0 pers0na1 reas0n
GA: Youre Right
GA: That Was A Stupid Thing To Say
CT: I was being sincere
GA: Really
CT: Y0u have t0 understand
CT: Bef0re I achieved my transcendent state I was a b100b100d
CT: Friendship t0 me means that if my friend has s0mething I want, I wi11 beat them with a r0b0ti% arm unti1 they are reduced t0 a fine mist
GA: I See
CT: In any case, the c0nstru%i0f a r0b0ti% b0dy f0r vriska is wh011y e%trane0us t0 0ur purp0ses
GA: Oh
GA: What Are Our Purposes Then
GA: There Seems To Be Some Amount Of Confusion On The Matter
CT: S0rry t0 turn crypti% 0n y0u
CT: But things wi11 bec0me c1ear very sh0rt1y
GA: Why d0 y0u kn0w these things
GA: Y0u are the p1ayer 0f v0id n0t time
CT: N0n1inear time is n0t e%a%ly a rare c0mm0dity in the Medium
CT: And f0r 0ne wh0 has transcended death itse1f the future seems a 10t c1earer
CT: But I have 0ther s0urces 0f inf0rmati0n
GA: Very Well
GA: I Trust You
GA: For What Its Worth
CT: Than%
GA: But
GA: Do You Know What Will Happen Next
GA: Will We Be Okay
CT: F0r a whi1e, yes
CT: After that even I d0nt kn0w
GA: Ah
GA: Well Goodbye

grimAuxilarix [GA] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

Eridan: Seek relationship counseling==>

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CA: hey kar
CA: do you havve a minute
CA: only i reely need some advice
CG: LOOK, BEFORE WE GET INTO WHATEVER MESS YOU’VE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO, LET’S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
CG: ARE YOU, IN FACT, KILLING ANGELS RIGHT NOW?
CA: wwell
CG: YOU ARE, AREN’T YOU.
CG: I KEEP GETTING LAMBASTED BY PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE ABOUT IT.
CG: EVERYONE JUST LOGGING IN FROM THE FUCKING FUTURE AND YELLING AT ME BECAUSE YOU TURNED YOUR LAND INTO A FUCKING DEATHTRAP.
CG: WHICH IS APPARENTLY A HUGE IMPERIAL FUCKING PROBLEM BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS TO HANG OUT THERE FOR SOME REASON.
CG: ON THE ONE HAND IT’S KIND OF FLATTERING THAT I’M THE ONE THEY KEEP COMPLAINING TO.
CG: BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?
CA: they started it
CG: HOW?
CG: HOW DID THEY START IT?!
CA: they stole my pants
CG: . . .
CG: WHAT THE HELL?!
CA: i knoww right
CG: SO, WHAT, YOU’RE JUST RUNNING AROUND PANTSLESS KILLING ANGELS NOW?
CA: wwell no obvviously i got back home and put on another pair and then alchemized some more just in case
CA: but its still wweird kar
CA: wwhich is wwhy i am wipin them out
CG: OKAY, I’M WITH YOU ON THAT ONE, DUDE.
CG: ANYTHING THAT WANTS TO SEE YOU PANTSLESS DESERVES TO DIE.
CA: okay so if you wwouldnt mind id like to use that to segwway into the next topic
CG: GAH!
CG: PLEASE DON’T.
CG: AND ALSO IT’S FUCKING SEGUE, NOT SEGWAY.
CG: WHAT IS A SEGWAY ANYWAY?
CG: IT’S DEFINITELY NOT A THING THAT WE HAVE IN OUR SOCIETY.
CA: i wwas kiddin obvviously
CA: wwell sorta
CA: the point is i reely do need advice
CG: OKAY, SO I’M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND DEDUCE YOUR PROBLEM LIKE FUCKING TROLL SHERLOCK HOLMES.
CG: FIRST OF ALL, YOU DIDN’T CRAWL WITH THIS TO ME UNTIL JUST NOW, SO IT HAS TO BE A RECENT THING.
CG: AND GIVEN THAT THE SPIDERBITCH IS APPARENTLY BACK, I DOUBT IT CONCERNS BLACKROM.
CG: LET ME SEE, WHAT COULD BE BOTHERING YOU REDWISE?
CG: ALL RIGHT, GIVEN YOUR WEIRD GENOCIDE FETISH, I’M GOING TO GO WITH THE FISH PRINCESS.
CG: AM I RIGHT HERE?
CA: yeah
CA: im kinda in stormy seas here and i wwanted to get your perspectivve
CA: i dont wwant to put my nebuchadnezzar out to grass if you knoww wwhat i mean
CG: OKAY, SO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM HERE?
CA: howw do i impress her kar
CA: with vvris i alwways felt like i wwas on metaphorical solid ground wwith killin trolls for her lusus
CA: i tried to showw her i could do it better than she evver could
CA: and wwhen i wwas doin my best as a moirail i wwould feed the lusii to fefs monster of a caretaker
CA: but i dont really think that evver impressed her on a personal levvel you knoww wwhat i mean
CA: so for once in my life I run into a romantic problem that cant be solvved by killin someone and feedin them to a monster
CA: and kar i am completely out a my depth here
CG: OKAY, SO THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
CA: okay
CG: GOOD. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.
CG: LISTEN, ALL OF OUR TROLL EMOTIONS ARE BASICALLY DIFFERENT SHADES OF HATE AND PITY, RIGHT?
CG: WE’RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE HATE FRONT RIGHT NOW.
CG: I’M FRANKLY SICK OF HAVING THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOU.
CA: wwell it wwould probably be a different conversation noww
CA: but yeah i think wwe all knoww wwhat your opinions on hate are
CG: OKAY, SO THE OTHER THING IS PITY.
CG: AND SHOCKINGLY YOU PROBABLY HAVE THAT GOING FOR YOU.
CA: wwhat
CA: i do
CG: ERIDAN, WITHOUT BEING IN ANY WAY CREEPY ABOUT IT, YOU ARE THE SINGLE MOST PITIFUL FUCKING PERSON I’VE EVER MET.
CA: reely
CG: EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT YOU I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF.
CG: SO YEAH.
CG: AND THAT’S GOOD NEWS FOR YOU BECAUSE THE FISHFACED PRINCESS IS ALL ABOUT TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE WHO COMPLETELY FAILED AT LIFE.
CA: wwell thats nice a you to say kar
CA: but i dont knoww if thatll be enough
CA: im thinkin i need some grand operatic gesture to wwin her
CA: you knoww like a city
CG: OKAY, YOU LOST ME ON THAT LAST PART.
CA: okay wwell you knoww howw wwhen you conquer a city it is alwways done in some huge wway
CA: like wwith a giant horse or somethin
CA: so if wwe take this metaphor and extend it to fef
CA: then i basically wwant to crumble her wwalls and
CA: wwell
CA: the metaphor kinda breaks dowwn there because all the thins you gotta do to a captured city are not reely thins i wanna do to fef
CA: at least not right awway if you knoww wwhat i mean
CG: OKAY, WELL, IF THAT’S THE WAY YOU WANT TO GO, THEN I GUESS THE FIRST STEP IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS SHE LIKES.
CG: WHICH IF I REMEMBER RIGHT IS CUTESY FLUFFY STUFF AND CARING FOR PEOPLE.
CG: CAN YOU DO EITHER OF THOSE?
CA: i can care for fef
CG: OKAY, BUT CAN YOU CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE IN A WAY SHE’D SEE AND APPRECIATE?
CA: i
CA: i dunno
CA: but i guess it wwould be pretty difficult to start noww
CG: OKAY, WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.
CG: I THINK SHE’D ENJOY THAT A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN THE WHOLE GOTHY SUPERVILLAIN THING YOU’VE GOT GOING ON.
CG: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER THING?
CG: CAN YOU DO CUTE AND FLUFFY?
CA: maybe
CG: i guess it wwouldnt hurt to try huh
CG: I BET YOU WOULD FIGURE OUT A FUCKING WAY TO MAKE IT HURT.
CG: BUT HONESTLY, I KIND OF HOPE YOU WON’T.
CG: I WON’T TRY TO SAY IF YOU DESERVE TO GET THE GIRL OR NOT, OR EVEN IF YOU DESERVE ANYTHING EXCEPT A KICK TO THE SHAME GLOBES, BUT I DO KNOW YOU’LL TRY.
CG: AND I GUESS THAT YOU’RE NOT COMPLETELY TERRIBLE.
CG: LIKE SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN UNDERNEATH ALL YOUR STUPID VILLAIN CRAP AND YOUR FUCKING NAUTICAL THEME AND THE WIZARD OBSESSION IS A HAFLWAY DEAD CORPSE OF A GUY WHO IS KIND OF OKAY UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES.
CA: oh wwoww
CA: that is the nicest thin you havve evver said to me
CG: WELL, THAT’S BECAUSE I’M NOT NICE, FUCKASS.
CG: BUT I DO LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RARE TIMES WHEN I FIND SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T COMPLETELY SUCK ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.
CG: AND YOU ONLY SUCK ON MOST OF THEM.
CG: SO CONGRATULATIONS ON NOT BEING THE WORST GUY I’VE EVER MET, I GUESS.
CA: i wwill take wwhat i can get
CA: thanks kar

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]


Jack: Be affected by Vriska’s powers==>

You are only one of the many Dersians to feel the gentle touch of Vriska’s mind. Not that you needed it. You are frankly already sick of this job. First you had to cut off all further reinforcements to the Land Of Sand And Zephyr, because that was working out about as well as trying to put out flames with kerosene. Now the Land Of Wrath And Angels has suddenly gone offline and nobody dares set foot in there. You’re doing okay in Skaia, but that’s not going to be enough if this keeps up.

It’s time to run from this sinking ship. But first you have a few more plans to put in motion.

Gamzee: Look for something to do==>

You are Gamzee Makara: descendant of the High Subjuggalators, highest-ranked land dweller, monster clown, and an all-around creepy motherfucker. And you are BORED. These little guys present no challenge for you whatsoever. You are quickly running out of creative ways to kill them and it doesn’t seem to matter anyway. They’re no more terrified of a shark suddenly popping out of a closet to spit acid into their faces than they are of you simply clubbing them over the head. True satisfaction of a killer requires some sophistication in the targets’ imaginations. These guys have none.

You kind of wish someone would come along and suggest a better activity before you’re forced to go out and murder someone who actually fears death.

Tavros: Panic==>

adiosToreador [AT] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AT: gAMZEE, i REALLY NEED YOUR HELP,
TC: tavros, my man.
TC: WHAT IS UP, MY BROTHER?
AT: iT’S TINKERBULL, gAMZEE,
AT: hE’S MISSING, aND I THINK THEY TOOK HIM,
AT: i THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SAFER TO LEAVE HIM AT MY HIVE,
AT: wHILE WE WERE ADVENTURING,
AT: bUT WHEN I CAME BACK TO CHECK UP ON HIM, hE WAS GONE, }:O
TC: aww, did something happen to the little motherfucker?
TC: TOO BAD.
TC: so sad.
AT: sO, dOES THAT MEAN YOU WON’T, uHHHH, hELP ME,
TC: WE?
AT: wHAT,
TC: you said ‘we’ my brother.
TC: JUST WHAT SORT OF MOTHERFUCKER IS IN THERE WITH YOU?
TC: is it the dirt-grubbing peasontblood?
AT: nO, i MEAN ME AND THESE DERSIANS,
TC: MOTHERFUCK!
TC: that is a motherfucking lot of monsters.
TC: I SPY WITH MY MOTHERFUCKING EYE SOMETHING THAT IS FUN.
AT: eXCUSE ME,
AT: bUT WHAT,
TC: think about it, brother.
TC: WHERE DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK YOUR LITTLE FAIRY BULL?
AT: tHEIR MOON, rIGHT,
TC: right you are, motherfucker.
TC: THE DARK MOON OF DERSE.
TC: it is a huge motherfucking deal.
TC: ENSCONCED IN THE FOLD MY PERSONAL MOTHERFUCKING MYTHOLOGY.
TC: and the mythology of the subjuggalators.
TC: INSTRUMENTAL IN CAUSING THE VAST MOTHERFUCKING HONK!
AT: oH,
TC: if we go there it would be motherfucking desecration, brother! :o(
TC: CAN’T BE ALLOWED! Do:
TC: but like all laws this one lets me make a motherfucking exception
TC: IF I AM SUITABLY ENTERTAINED!
AT: wHAT,
TC: use your motherfucking thinkpan my brother.
TC: YOU’VE GOT A MONSTER ARMY AND NOTHING TO USE IT FOR.
TC: turn these motherfuckers against each other.
TC: AND LET THE DARK MOTHERFUCKING CARNIVAL COMMENCE!
AT: nO, i CAN’T,
TC: sure you can, brother!
TC: DO IT FOR THE LITTLE BULL!
TC: be their master. ;o)
AT: i’M NOT THEIR MASTER,
AT: i’M THEIR FRIEND,
AT: tHERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE,
AT: sO I WON’T, uHHHH, aSK THEM TO FIGHT EACH OTHER,
AT: oR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
AT: sO IF YOU CAN’T HELP ME WITHOUT THAT, tHEN THAT’S OKAY,
AT: i WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE, oR GO ALONE,
TC: OBEY YOUR SUPERIOR!
AT: nO, gAMZEE,
AT: i AM SORRY,
AT: i GUESS, i’D BETTER GO NOW,
TC: nah.
TC: WE’LL GO TOGETHER, BROTHER.
AT: bUT, yOU SAID,
TC: the subjuggalator canon is really more of a motherfucking guideline.
TC: ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING SUBJUGGALATOR LEFT!
TC: i am higher than motherfucking everybody now!
AT: sO, yOU WILL IGNORE YOUR RELIGION, fOR ME,
TC: IT IS A MOTHERFUKCING MIRACLE! :o)
TC: a miracle of friendship. (o:
TC: BESIDES, I DON’T WANT TO SEE LITTLE TINKERBULL GET MOTHERFUCKING DAMAGED.
TC: when i see something that small and weak with such ridiculous horns. . .
TC: IT ALMOST MAKES ME NOT WANT TO MURDER IT!
AT: }:)
AT: sO, tHAT MEANS YOU’LL HELP ME, rIGHT,
TC: it means more than that, brother!
AT: yOU MEAN,
TC: MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!
AT: wE ARE REALLY, fINALLY DOING IT,
TC: we are making it happen, friend!
AT: wE ARE GOING ON A,
TC: MOTHERFUCKING ROAD TRIP!!!

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]


Eridan: Alchemize==>

You return to your hive with the spoils of war, such as they are. You have to admit that since the angels began running hog wild you haven’t been getting much grist, but you’ve got a killer idea for a gesture that will impress Feferi so hard she’ll fall over.

Alchemize Shitty Wand && Wizard Statue==>

Yes! You’ve got a Real Wand. You’re fairly sure that magic doesn’t exist. But in a world where Vriska is back and you might still have a chance with Feferi anything is possible.

Alchemize Real Wand && Angel Feather==>

You alchemize these things together, fusing the mysterious forces of magic with the cruel light of the angels. Gods only know what the consequences of such an act might be; or perhaps not even them. You have taken an important step towards changing the game beyond all recognition. But you don’t care right now. Rather than viewing the situation from a cosmological perspective, you’re looking at it in personal terms. Would you like to see what you’re thinking?

Yes==>

Yes! Yes! Now that you wield this power you can really impress Feferi by. . . slaying lots of monsters? No. Reducing entire fortresses to brick dust? No.

Well, carp, this doesn’t seem to be very helpful at all.

No. You just have to focus. This is white magic. It HAS to be good for something other than blowing things apart. It’s more than just a better harpoon, it has to be! You just need practice, that’s all.

Terezi: Face off against the murderer==>

This is it.

Today is the day you face the greatest challenge of your life.

You have dreamt of this day for so long that now that it’s here you can literally taste the anticipation of the many, many days spent waiting. Your ears tingle with the strange scent of this land, and up ahead is a rainbow of flavors.

Equius’s chosen residence seems to be a tower of metal and crystal grown out of and around an old castle. Even Trolls hold aesthetics firmly subordinate to functionality when it comes to architecture; yet even by troll standards this is one ugly house.

You can’t smell him or taste him, yet. Everything in the hive has the same metallic too-sharp scent and a taste not unlike that of an old copper key when you put it in your mouth and run your tongue all over it. You certainly can’t see him, even though your vision is sharp like that of a hawkmonster. But you can hear him, of yes. Somewhere not too far away, you hear the irregular beat of metal against metal.

GC: OH 3QU1US!
GC: 1TS T1M3 TO F4C3 TH3 MUS1C
GC: COM3 OUT 1N TH3 OP3N WH3R3 W3 C4N S3TTL3 TH1S F4C3 TO F4C3!

CT: What d0 y0u presume t0 kn0w ab0ut music?

He was closer than you expected; much closer. But now his enormous silhouette looms in the shadows, the very edge of his glasses gleaming with the pale reflection of what little light his hive provides.

He makes quite a menacing figure, for all of two seconds. After that, he is engulfed in fire.

You wonder whether he in fact bothered to make his body fireproof. But no, you can smell the melted metal. It’s sweet scent, because it’s tempered with some good old revenge.

In retrospect, the greatest challenge of your life was kind of a letdown.

Terezi: Prepare for genuine distress==>

What? Oh, shi…

Equius: Counterattack==>

You are unable to switch perspectives at this time! But as Terezi, you do indeed watch Equius counterattack. From the very top of his hive, he STRONGJUMPS onto your hapless lusus, brining your guardian and your plans tumbling to the ground.

All around you, dots of red appear in pairs. This is not the delicious, decadent red of desserts and candy; it is an angry red, like a fire concealed only by a thick yet cracked semi-transparent covering.

You are very much not alone.

GC: OOH 4 D3COY!
GC: V3RY N1C3! >:]
GC: BUT 1T W1LL NOT S4V3 YOU FROM MY JUST1C3 LOV1VG WR4TH
GC: 1 W1LL F1GUR3 OUT WH1CH ON3 1S TH3 R34L YOU
GC: B3L13V3 1T!

To be perfectly honest, you sound a lot more confident than you feel. A simultaneous creepy chuckle by all the Equibots is not helping matters any.

CT: A110w me t0 spare y0u the hunt
CT: A11 0f them are the rea1 me
GC: WH4T? >:/
CT: In the sense that they are the bodies I use when intera%ing with that g0verned pure1y by physi%
CT: A11 0f them are my rea1 b0dy
CT: As is this entire c0mp0und and much besides
CT: I am the gh0st in the machine
GC: W3LL
GC: CR4P
CT: Even if y0u were t0 successfu11y destr0y every piece 0f machinery in this p1ace
CT: I w001d c0ntinue t0 e%ist
CT: n0w I w001d like t0 spare us b0th further difficu1ty and suggest we ca11 a truce
GC: N3V3R! >:|
CT: Are y0u sure
CT: Bef0re y0u answer that, y0u are ab0ut t0 receive a ca11
GC: WHAT?
CT: We11, g0 ahead
CT: Answer it


Vriska: Put an end to this nonsense==>

arachnidsGrip [AG]began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

AG: Stop.
AG: Just stop it.
AG: Stop all y8ur fussin8 and meddling.
GC: WH4T >:?
AG: Th8s is stupid.
AG: The justice kick you’ve 8een on is stupid too.
AG: Listen, there isn’t a crime here to be aven8ed, do you even get that?
AG: Just two 8lue8loods resolving a friendly disagreement.
GC: H3 K1LL3D YOU!
AG: Eh, it happens.
AG: I pro8a8ly should have left the cat girl alone like he asked, 8ut what are you going to do?
AG: Them’s the 8reaks!!!!!!!!
GC: HOW 4R3 YOU SO C4LM 4BOUT TH1S?
AG: He’s my friend, you dolt!
AG: I don’t have many of those so if you could put away your stick before he knocks the counter down one more notch, that would 8e gr8!
GC: I C4N T4K3 H1M!
GC: 1 C4N ST1LL BR1NG H1M TO JUST1C3
AG: Listen, we have a lot of work to do here.
AG: A loooooooot of work!
AG: So you can pursue a childish grudge where you try to kill someone who’s already dead
AG: Or you can join the rest of us in playing a game of cosmic importance!
AG: Look into your Mind, Seer.
AG: You should know the answer.

arachnidsGrip [AG]ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

Terezi: Truce?==>

. . .

Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Truce.

You shake the cold, metallic hand of one of the Equibots as the rest stare at you from the night. You begin to feel like everything you’ve done for the past sweep might have been a colossal waste of time.

Sollux: Talk things over with matesprit==>

FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] 2:22 HOURS FROM NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board hell0 s0llux

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

FAA 1:26 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board hell0 s0llux.

FAA: testing
FAA: testing
CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTA: okay ii am here.
CTA: ii can 2ee your text.
CTA: mithion accompli2hed ii gueth.
FAA: :)
CTA: iif you have anythiing el2e two 2ay, better 2ay iit two a future me.
CTA: riight now ii am gettiing piinged riight off the net by der2e
FAA: i th0ught y0u c0uld c0unteract that
CTA: well, yeah, normally.
CTA: except theyre not u2iing any kiind of a program two do iit.
CTA: iim pretty 2ure iit2 ju2t a bunch of agent2 2iittiing at computer2 2omewhere
CTA: piingiing me.
CTA: bluh!
FAA: 0h
FAA: are y0u g0ing t0 be 0kay
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 4:05 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: 2ure.
FTA: by now theyre all two bu2y two bother wiith that anymore.
CTA: 2weet.
FTA: ju2t hang iin there.
FTA: go kiill 2ome braiin2 or 2omethiing
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2:35 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?
FAA: 0h
FAA: hell0 karkat
FTA: hey KK.
FCG: THIS IS YOUR TIME STUFF, ISN’T IT?
FCG: THIS IS WHEN YOU START THIS WHOLE GODDAMNED MESS.
FAA: yup!
FCG: OKAY, AS YOUR LEADER I AM HEREBY SEIZING CONTROL.
FTA: okay, fir2t of all who 2aid you were the leader?
FAA: and sec0nd 0f all, even if y0u were why w0uld y0u seize c0ntr0l 0f this b0ard?
FCG: WELL, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
FAA: i c0uld make y0u y0ur 0wn b0ard?
FCG: DEAL.
FAA: 0kay
FAA: is there any0ne else wh0 wants t0 check in?
FUTURE grimAuxilarix [FGA] 0:35 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: Yes
FGA: There Is Something Everyone Needs To See
FAA: c0ming

FAA closed memo.

Kanaya: Receive another clue==>

Why hello there sylph might I ask how you are doing today? I would presume you are beginning to learn a lot and yet at the same time you are only beginning your journey of enlightenment and there is so much left to be done!
GA: Yes
GA: This Is True
GA: Tavros Has Mentioned You
GA: From What I Understand I Am To Receive An Unclear Missive In An Excited Yet Unhelpful Tone Followed By A Mysterious Clue That Is To Be A Key To This Puzzle
GA: Or Some Puzzle At Least
Well now that depends because what is confusing to someone with the simple soul of a page might not be so very confusing to someone as erudite as yourself but either way our conversations will be unfortunately brief because you see you are meaning no offense very trusting and one might even say gullible! Were I to speak to you for any extended period of time you might begin uncritically accept anything I said to you and that isn't what we want here at all
GA: No
GA: I Suppose Not
GA: But Could I Still Have A Clue At Least
GA: ?
Oh I think that could be arranged quite easily oh yes quite easily indeed!
GA: That Makes Me Glad
But before I give you an answer I think it’s only fair that I give you a question first don’t you think?
GA: Yes
GA: I suppose An Exchange Of Information Is Only Fair
GA: Or Do You Mean It Is To Be A Question For Which It Is My Answer That Matters And Not The Question Itself
GA: Thus Leading Me To Discover Something Without You Directly Giving Me Information
GA: Which Now That I Think About It Strikes Me As Problematic
GA: Since Assuming You Knew Exactly The Information I Would Find Within Myself This Process Would Not Much Differ From Actually Giving Out Such Information
GA: Except That The Recipient Would Find It More Trustworthy Since It Did Not Appear To Come From An External Source
Well that’s a very good induction but in fact this is a sincere question! Omniscience only stretches so far you understand and there are things I am sincerely curious about that can’t be easily gleaned by mere observation
GA: Very Well
GA: In That Case I Will Do My Best To Answer As Completely And Honestly As I’m Able
Thank you and the question is a complicated one because it is in nature a moral quandary and to be blunt about it could you kill someone if you had to? If they’re not precisely evil and killing them is not precisely good but it’s something that has to be done then could you do it?
GA: Are You Really Talking About Me
GA: Or About Yourself
GA: ?
A little of both I suppose! One way or another before the end of this adventure both of us will probably end up doing quite a lot of killing though even I am vague on the exact details
GA: Ah
GA: In That Case I Think I Will Answer Your Question
GA: Yes
GA: I Think that I Would Be Able To Do It
GA: Though Given Our Team Its Not Likely To Become An Issue
What about dying? Would you be willing to die for such a cause do you think?
GA: I Will Admit I Am Less Sure About That One
Well we’ll just see about that won’t we?
GA: I Suppose We Will
GA: Is It Time For My Clue
Well as I mentioned before I wouldn't like you to grow dependent on me for your information and yet more information is exactly what you must have! A paradox! Or is it? No it is not and here is my clue to you: a gift of perspective!

grimAuxilarix [GA]began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

GA: What
GG: hello?
GA: Uh
GA: Hi

[mythmonster2]

AC: Always good to see more Dualscar! Especially Magnificent Bastard Dualscar!

Septimus: I lost it at MOTHERFUCKING ROAD TRIP. However, I just want to get the chronology straight: In this timeline, Nepeta does go to FLARP with Vriska and gets injured or something. Equius kills Vriska and is in returned killed by Terezi (?). The whole Make Her Pay stuff never happens, and then a few sweeps later, Sgrub comes.

[kaoticAntagonist]

CA: so for once in my life I run into a romantic problem that cant be solvved by killin someone and feedin them to a monster
CA: and kar i am completely out a my depth here

My favorite line. But it was all so awesome only by a small margin. This is a really great series, can't wait for more.

[Hybrid]

Haha what is this I don't even

show spoiler

hide spoiler

He faces her, noting her changes with no particular interest. Which graveyard stuffer is this again? He does not particularly care. She wants to fight? Then let her fight. That, at least, will be a reprieve from the mind-numbing boredom that beats at his mind. He waits for her to make the first move. She doesn’t.

She whips one of her wands out to the side striking the stone roof of the castle with dark light, throwing up a little blood and water. He tracks the movement instinctively, and she uses the distraction, slight though it is, to leap behind him and come within close quarters. He is surprised – isn’t she a ranged magic user? Nevertheless, he brings his sword around, primed to teleport to avoid her blow and – wait, what the hell is she doing?

She has just put her hand on his neck. He is in the middle of swiping at her and suddenly she just puts her damn hand under his jawline and starts goddamn scratching. And the horrible thing is? He likes it. Auuuuuugh.

“Mrrrrrrrrrrr - you – mrrrrrRRRRrrr – utter - mmrmrrmrrrrrrrr – bitch! Purrrurrrrrrrrr.”

He is utterly helpless, hardly able to speak through the purring that he can’t seem to stop no matter what he tries. He hates himself and he hates her and he especially hates the damn feline that is now an irremovable part of him and is going Oh, yes, Rose! Please don’t stop! He would be spitting with rage at this thought if his body was still under control.

She scratches her long finger nails down the fur of the line of his back and it shivers and arcs. He manages to cough out a “...hate you...” during a gap in the purring, before she moves her other hand up to that one spot under the ears and starts tickling and rubbing it, softly at first and then harder. He longs to wipe that smug smirk off her face, perhaps by sticking his sword into it, and he just can’t because for all intents and purposes he is now a pathetic paralysed kitten. When she stops it’s all he can do to prevent himself from rubbing his face against her for more. He feels utterly sick and disgusted inside.

“Is that all you got?” he manages to say. She smiles that smile that makes him want to punch her.

“Oh, no, Jack, that is most certainly not all. I understand that your recent prototyping with Becquerel has gifted you with... shall we say... canine tendencies?”

Five minutes later Jack Noir is on his back with a whine in his throat and an uncontrollably moving leg.

Again, couldn't think of a title.

[EDIT]: Yeah, I know cats can purr and meow at the same time so he should be able to speak. I just thought it was funnier this way.

[SeptimusMagistos]

Septimus: I lost it at MOTHERFUCKING ROAD TRIP. However, I just want to get the chronology straight: In this timeline, Nepeta does go to FLARP with Vriska and gets injured or something. Equius kills Vriska and is in returned killed by Terezi (?). The whole Make Her Pay stuff never happens, and then a few sweeps later, Sgrub comes.

It was more like:

Vriska leads Nepeta in one of here victims' marches
Equius catches up to the march and kills Vriska, freeing the victims.
Eridan, who is also there, panics and blasts away with his harpoon, killing Equius.
Both Vriska and Equius arise as ghosts. Equius begins possessing technology and keeps talking to people, so everyone believes that he still exists in some form. Vriska does nothing of the sort, so everyone is skeptical she still exists, even though Equius tells them she does.
Terezi begins to ferment plans of revenge based more on personal preferences than any sound legal judgment.
Then, eventually, SGRUB happens.

[penguinbound]

Little Lion Man

A/N:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Karkat goes to fight Gamzee after he talks through Terezi's account. So, yeah, this is definitely not a thing that could happen, but I just figured I'd write this now because it wouldn't stop bugging me. Inspired by Little Lion Man, by Mumford and Sons. Also originally there were lyrics besides this but I took them out, because I don't think they added anything to the story.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Karkat pulled two sickles out, one for each hand. Faint red ran down his gray cheeks and his chest shuddered with each breath. He was fucked, screwed, his ass was beaten. God, there were to much words that he could use to describe how utterly fucked he was. He knew it was all his fault too, because he wasn't a good enough leader, he was just some wriggler dressing himself up in a leader's role. Maybe he could have prevented all this? What if he could have saved everyone, stopped this from happening? That's what he wanted to think. But deep inside of his heart, he knew that was wrong.

He started down the hallway, the tapping of his feet accompanying the ever present honks that made him quiver with fear. Everyone had died, and it was his fault. His fault. That was the simple truth of it. He had let everyone leave, he had stood by with his mouth open, eyes wide watching his friends slaughtered like a dumbass. He hadn't kept up with everyone, and he didn't know all of the groups problems, he didn't know, and he couldn't fix them, not now. Simply his fault.

As he turned the corner, he started thinking about Terezi. He had fucked up with her the most. She and that fuckhead Strider. That red text of his made his blood boil, and he had thought that it was because that wasn't supposed to be who he was hitting it off with, it was supposed to be Harley, because they were supposed to be together, since the game had decided to not make them siblings. Except that did work out, at least, from his view. Fuck, maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was assuming. It didn't matter now, everything was already fucked up. Terezi was dead along with Kan and Feferi, and whoever else was dead by some other crazy fuckass' hand.

The honking was louder now, and Karkat's jaw jutted out. Terezi was dead because of him, definitely him. If he hadn't been such a big bulge, she wouldn't flipped off the handle and run out. Out where Gamzee was hiding. He had made her die, he hadn't harmed her directly but indirectly. He was going to make up for it though. He was going to make sure he made it up to her, he was going to make it up to everyone. Even the ones who were killing everybody.

Karkat stopped in front of a door. He could hear sounds from the other side. Honking, and someone's voice, which turned from anger to screams of rage, and Gamzee started laughing. Then the other voice started screaming in pain, and Gamzee started laughing louder, and Karkat realized the other voice was Nepeta, and why wouldn't Gamzee stop fucking laughing? Karkat's grip on the sickles went tighter, and his knuckles turned white. The screaming stopped and the following silence made Karkat's stomach lurch. Nepeta was dead too. This meant that Equius was probably dead, because he wouldn't have let Nepeta anywhere near Gamzee.

Karkat's feet, for all the love of fuck's sake, felt glued to the floor now. He couldn't even fucking bring himself to go in, and his thoughts turned to the four humans. Those fucking pink assholes that lead them to their deaths. But he couldn't really be mad at them, because they weren't really that bad. Annoying, really hard to get along, but not too bad. He realized, now, that they'd be left with no one to guide them to possible safety and that they would either be completely eradicated by Jack or erased by the Scratch. Then that train of thought took a wrong turn and crashed right into a fucking brickwall, because Karkat suddenly couldn't even remember what he was thinking of, and now his hands were all fucking sweaty, and the honks seemed to be coming right from behid the door, like Gamzee was leaning against it. He probably was.

Karkat let out a breath. Letting out a shaky breath, he kicked the door, bursting it open. His legs felt like iron bars and it took all his strength to move them, but he had to do this because if he didn't, he couldn't make it up to his friends, and he was already a bad leader. He stepped inside, and saw three figures. Nepeta, lying in a heap in her jacket, her hat was missing, because the motherfucker was wearing it and Equius was lying on the ground with a bow around his neck and where the fuck were his glasses oh right Gamzee was wearing them, of course.

Karkat's heart skipped a beat, as his eyes hit the glasses on Gamzee's face, who had such a fucking shit eating grin on it that Karkat wanted to punch his goddamned face in. Karkat tried to raise his hands, and the sickles in them slid a bit. His grip had weakened. He fixed that in a hurry. His mouth opened slightly, but no words came out. Gamzee's smile widened.

"Hey motherfucking best friend, welcome to the Dark fuckin' Carnival."

[draconicAlgorithm]

@ SeptimusMagistos: Welp, I just got finished reading all of A Sweep Without Vriska so far, and I have to say that I'm loving it. I am left wondering yet again why I haven't read it yet, especially since I really liked We're All Doomed, but that's neither here nor there. I just have to say that I'm really excited because kids! They were the only things missing to make this perfect imo, so I'm really looking forward to the next update.

[Blaperile]

Little Lion Man

A/N:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Karkat goes to fight Gamzee after he talks through Terezi's account. So, yeah, this is definitely not a thing that could happen, but I just figured I'd write this now because it wouldn't stop bugging me. Inspired by Little Lion Man, by Mumford and Sons. Also originally there were lyrics besides this but I took them out, because I don't think they added anything to the story.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Karkat pulled two sickles out, one for each hand. Faint red ran down his gray cheeks and his chest shuddered with each breath. He was fucked, screwed, his ass was beaten. God, there were to much words that he could use to describe how utterly fucked he was. He knew it was all his fault too, because he wasn't a good enough leader, he was just some wriggler dressing himself up in a leader's role. Maybe he could have prevented all this? What if he could have saved everyone, stopped this from happening? That's what he wanted to think. But deep inside of his heart, he knew that was wrong.

He started down the hallway, the tapping of his feet accompanying the ever present honks that made him quiver with fear. Everyone had died, and it was his fault. His fault. That was the simple truth of it. He had let everyone leave, he had stood by with his mouth open, eyes wide watching his friends slaughtered like a dumbass. He hadn't kept up with everyone, and he didn't know all of the groups problems, he didn't know, and he couldn't fix them, not now. Simply his fault.

As he turned the corner, he started thinking about Terezi. He had fucked up with her the most. She and that fuckhead Strider. That red text of his made his blood boil, and he had thought that it was because that wasn't supposed to be who he was hitting it off with, it was supposed to be Harley, because they were supposed to be together, since the game had decided to not make them siblings. Except that did work out, at least, from his view. Fuck, maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was assuming. It didn't matter now, everything was already fucked up. Terezi was dead along with Kan and Feferi, and whoever else was dead by some other crazy fuckass' hand.

The honking was louder now, and Karkat's jaw jutted out. Terezi was dead because of him, definitely him. If he hadn't been such a big bulge, she wouldn't flipped off the handle and run out. Out where Gamzee was hiding. He had made her die, he hadn't harmed her directly but indirectly. He was going to make up for it though. He was going to make sure he made it up to her, he was going to make it up to everyone. Even the ones who were killing everybody.

Karkat stopped in front of a door. He could hear sounds from the other side. Honking, and someone's voice, which turned from anger to screams of rage, and Gamzee started laughing. Then the other voice started screaming in pain, and Gamzee started laughing louder, and Karkat realized the other voice was Nepeta, and why wouldn't Gamzee stop fucking laughing? Karkat's grip on the sickles went tighter, and his knuckles turned white. The screaming stopped and the following silence made Karkat's stomach lurch. Nepeta was dead too. This meant that Equius was probably dead, because he wouldn't have let Nepeta anywhere near Gamzee.

Karkat's feet, for all the love of fuck's sake, felt glued to the floor now. He couldn't even fucking bring himself to go in, and his thoughts turned to the four humans. Those fucking pink assholes that lead them to their deaths. But he couldn't really be mad at them, because they weren't really that bad. Annoying, really hard to get along, but not too bad. He realized, now, that they'd be left with no one to guide them to possible safety and that they would either be completely eradicated by Jack or erased by the Scratch. Then that train of thought took a wrong turn and crashed right into a fucking brickwall, because Karkat suddenly couldn't even remember what he was thinking of, and now his hands were all fucking sweaty, and the honks seemed to be coming right from behid the door, like Gamzee was leaning against it. He probably was.

Karkat let out a breath. Letting out a shaky breath, he kicked the door, bursting it open. His legs felt like iron bars and it took all his strength to move them, but he had to do this because if he didn't, he couldn't make it up to his friends, and he was already a bad leader. He stepped inside, and saw three figures. Nepeta, lying in a heap in her jacket, her hat was missing, because the motherfucker was wearing it and Equius was lying on the ground with a bow around his neck and where the fuck were his glasses oh right Gamzee was wearing them, of course.

Karkat's heart skipped a beat, as his eyes hit the glasses on Gamzee's face, who had such a fucking shit eating grin on it that Karkat wanted to punch his goddamned face in. Karkat tried to raise his hands, and the sickles in them slid a bit. His grip had weakened. He fixed that in a hurry. His mouth opened slightly, but no words came out. Gamzee's smile widened.

"Hey motherfucking best friend, welcome to the Dark fuckin' Carnival."

Dat fic.

That's wonderfully written, it really makes me think about how Karkat has caused several things while he didn't mean it to happen.

And now, I have my first real fic, right here.

0kay with it

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You were 0kay with it.

As were your other selves.

You were accompanied by numerous doomed versions of yourself, they were all okay with it. They had all come from different doomed timelines to ensure they wouldn’t happen. You were lucky, you were the alpha version and didn’t have to go through that trouble. You were okay with that too as were they.

Some had already managed to get this far in their own timelines, some even further. Some didn’t even get a week into the game. All your doomed selves had difficult tasks upon their shoulders.

They each had to see friends die, or had to see their friends win a fight they weren’t supposed to win. They had to see their friends win the fight against this monster, but in the wrong way. Their friends would celebrate their victory and your doomed self would have to go back to make sure it didn’t happen that way, for she knew because of the voices in her head that she had to correct it.

Sometimes, one of their friends would go crazy and kill their friends. Sometimes Gamzee wouldn’t eat sopor slime in the first place and kill everyone, except for your other self. Sometimes Eridan would feel heartbroken after his breakup with Feferi, and would kill her instantly. Sometimes Karkat’s computer’s explosion would kill him. Sometimes Vriska would get sick of Tavros and kill him.

Each and every time, your doomed selves would have to witness these things. Fortunately, Equius always stayed alive long enough to make a robot for your doomed self. But, not always your other self would arrive in the Alpha timeline unharmed. Sometimes they would be damaged by things that happened in their timelines.

All your doomed selves would sacrifice themselves to win the fight against the Black King. A lot were killed, some survived. But they all knew they would somehow die, for they were doomed.

Eventually, your friends would celebrate their victory, but you and your doomed selves knew you were not going to have an happy end, for your doomed selves had to die someway.

It happened in a way you had also expected to happen. A terrible monster, even more powerful than the king you had just slain, would arrive in your session and destroy all your doomed selves without mercy. And now, you’re in the Veil, hiding from this monster.

You think back at what all your doomed selves have gone through and what is happening to you now. But you know one thing for sure.

Both you and your dead doomed selves are 0kay with it.

[Layra]

So, starting a new series, I guess. We'll see how it goes.

Militia: Prologue

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The mighty Huntress stalked through the tall, burnt grasses, her nose to the wind, her ears perked. Her eyes shifted to the cave up ahead, so close. If only those meanie highbloods would leave her alone!

They must have been following her for almost a perigee. She had been careful not to leave tracks, but hiding from psychics was much harder than hiding from regular trolls.

A whistling came from overhead and she flattened herself as a blade flew over her head. They'd spotted her! She glanced back at her lazily twitching tail and growled at the traitorous appendage, but there was no time for that. Breaking into a run, she dodged rifle blasts and throwing stars and arrows, jumping and tumbling and weaving as her cover was blown to pieces around her.

A bomb exploded right behind her and spat fire onto her coat. She shrieked and discarded it, tossing the flaming fabric aside and bolting in the opposite direction as a blast of lighting turned the coat into burning scraps.

She managed to slip into a tiny hollow beneath a hill and hid for several long moments, trying to catch her breath. She could hear the group spreading out behind her, searching for her and firing their weapons, calling out for her.

A face suddenly appeared at the entrance to her hideout and she leaped, her claws flashing and her attacker howling in pain. He bounced back and she struck again, her claws catching him across the chest. He dropped his sword and fell back, clutching his wounds. But his shouts had alerted the others to her location and she had to run.

Not even bothering to finish him off, she pushed past him and dashed onwards, hoping that she could outrun them and knowing that she couldn't. There were so many of them and she was exhausted and so, so hungry. But she didn't have time to eat or sleep, not with them chasing her all over the place.

And then she was surrounded. She yowled, claws extended and fangs bared.

"Huntress." One of them stepped forward. "We're not here to kill you." She held out a piece of paper. "We're delivering orders from Her Imperial Condesce."

"You're not taking me away!" She snarled. "I'm not leaving him!" She pounced on the nearest troll but was quickly knocked down. She struggled and fought, biting, kicking and scratching at anything she could reach even as her claws were stripped off and cuffs locked around her wrists and ankles.

"You don't get a choice. You and the rest of the Summoner's rebels are being shipped offworld."

--

She stared out the window at the planet below, picking at the uniform she'd been given. It was too tight and too heavy. Behind her, voices raised in laughter and anger rang out, and she pondered again how they could stand being so close together. The first and last time she had been around so many people had been when her unit had invaded the capital. It had been awful, prey swarming like hopbeasts and no chance to stop and eat.

Here she wasn't even allowed to think of the others as prey.

"Greenblood." She turned to find a troll in a cerulean uniform had sneaked up on her. "Mission briefing." He grabbed hold of the chains binding her hands together and began dragging her away.

"What are we doing?" she asked.

The ceruleanblood glared at her. "Just follow me."

She was led to a room packed with other trolls in chains, mostly red- and brown-bloods. She recognized some of them as officers in the rebel army. She supposed that all of them had been rebels. She was surprised that there were still so many alive. She would have expected that most of the lowblooded rebels would have been killed at the end..

What was even more surprising were the jade- and tealbloods in the room, not as guards or officers, but as other soldiers. She had been certain that no one with a higher blood color than herself had fought in the Summoner's army, but apparently not. Maybe they had been arrested for other reasons?

A blueblood stood at the front of the room, glaring at them. He looked so familiar but she couldn't remember. "You lowblood scum will be dropped on target planet 398 in fifteen hours. Your weapons will be returned shortly before you are dropped and don't even think about trying to escape once we give them back; we have plenty of psychiaterrorists to keep you in line." One of the officers standing at the front of the room grinned, only to be punched back into grim-faced formality by the blueblood.

"You are to kill anything you encounter," the blueblood continued. "If it flies, walks, rolls, crawls, swims, anything at all, you kill it, until you are recalled."

"When will that be?" One of the bound trolls asked. The blueblood shrugged.

"Probably never."

[newbonomicon]

So, starting a new series, I guess. We'll see how it goes.

Militia: Prologue

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The mighty Huntress stalked through the tall, burnt grasses, her nose to the wind, her ears perked. Her eyes shifted to the cave up ahead, so close. If only those meanie highbloods would leave her alone!

They must have been following her for almost a perigee. She had been careful not to leave tracks, but hiding from psychics was much harder than hiding from regular trolls.

A whistling came from overhead and she flattened herself as a blade flew over her head. They'd spotted her! She glanced back at her lazily twitching tail and growled at the traitorous appendage, but there was no time for that. Breaking into a run, she dodged rifle blasts and throwing stars and arrows, jumping and tumbling and weaving as her cover was blown to pieces around her.

A bomb exploded right behind her and spat fire onto her coat. She shrieked and discarded it, tossing the flaming fabric aside and bolting in the opposite direction as a blast of lighting turned the coat into burning scraps.

She managed to slip into a tiny hollow beneath a hill and hid for several long moments, trying to catch her breath. She could hear the group spreading out behind her, searching for her and firing their weapons, calling out for her.

A face suddenly appeared at the entrance to her hideout and she leaped, her claws flashing and her attacker howling in pain. He bounced back and she struck again, her claws catching him across the chest. He dropped his sword and fell back, clutching his wounds. But his shouts had alerted the others to her location and she had to run.

Not even bothering to finish him off, she pushed past him and dashed onwards, hoping that she could outrun them and knowing that she couldn't. There were so many of them and she was exhausted and so, so hungry. But she didn't have time to eat or sleep, not with them chasing her all over the place.

And then she was surrounded. She yowled, claws extended and fangs bared.

"Huntress." One of them stepped forward. "We're not here to kill you." She held out a piece of paper. "We're delivering orders from Her Imperial Condesce."

"You're not taking me away!" She snarled. "I'm not leaving him!" She pounced on the nearest troll but was quickly knocked down. She struggled and fought, biting, kicking and scratching at anything she could reach even as her claws were stripped off and cuffs locked around her wrists and ankles.

"You don't get a choice. You and the rest of the Summoner's rebels are being shipped offworld."

--

She stared out the window at the planet below, picking at the uniform she'd been given. It was too tight and too heavy. Behind her, voices raised in laughter and anger rang out, and she pondered again how they could stand being so close together. The first and last time she had been around so many people had been when her unit had invaded the capital. It had been awful, prey swarming like hopbeasts and no chance to stop and eat.

Here she wasn't even allowed to think of the others as prey.

"Greenblood." She turned to find a troll in a cerulean uniform had sneaked up on her. "Mission briefing." He grabbed hold of the chains binding her hands together and began dragging her away.

"What are we doing?" she asked.

The ceruleanblood glared at her. "Just follow me."

She was led to a room packed with other trolls in chains, mostly red- and brown-bloods. She recognized some of them as officers in the rebel army. She supposed that all of them had been rebels. She was surprised that there were still so many alive. She would have expected that most of the lowblooded rebels would have been killed at the end..

What was even more surprising were the jade- and tealbloods in the room, not as guards or officers, but as other soldiers. She had been certain that no one with a higher blood color than herself had fought in the Summoner's army, but apparently not. Maybe they had been arrested for other reasons?

A blueblood stood at the front of the room, glaring at them. He looked so familiar but she couldn't remember. "You lowblood scum will be dropped on target planet 398 in fifteen hours. Your weapons will be returned shortly before you are dropped and don't even think about trying to escape once we give them back; we have plenty of psychiaterrorists to keep you in line." One of the officers standing at the front of the room grinned, only to be punched back into grim-faced formality by the blueblood.

"You are to kill anything you encounter," the blueblood continued. "If it flies, walks, rolls, crawls, swims, anything at all, you kill it, until you are recalled."

"When will that be?" One of the bound trolls asked. The blueblood shrugged.

"Probably never."

I am definitely following this.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Fuuuuck I just wrote a critical part of the long-upcoming Chapter 16 and I think I nailed it, and just before I have to leave the computer for another bloody week. This is not at ALL what I'm supposed to be doing with my time but I'm sooooo haaaaaappy. In fact, it cheers me up a great deal because I was so concerned about falling even more behind on fan-stuff during the week. I am backing it up. Taking no chances here.


@Layra: Looks like it could be good! Good luck with it!

[Graven_Image]

I have a response for pretty much everyone here.

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The simple fact of the matter is that I'm slowly but surely getting into different forms of mass media.

Hence, no fics for so long.


What is coming soon will have Gurren Lagann in it. And possibly SpaceChem. You can never tell with these things.

Stay tuned.