MSPA Fanfiction VI: Trashy Rainbow Drinker Fanfiction

[Rimbaum]

Just gonna drop off a thing.

SiCk - In which shoving sopor slime at Gamzee and hoping the problem goes away does not fix anything.

I may or may not write more of this. So many fics in the fire. So lazy when it comes to updating them.

I love this. Please make more.

[Rebbe]

Whoops, forgot to post this with my last comment. Some nice Vriska♠Aradia with a touch of Vriska♥Terezi, set in the pre-Incident days. I have a deep not-so-secret love for both ships, so yeah ;w;

With Petals Like Ashes

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Off-site, as usual!

[SeptimusMagistos]

A Sweep Without Vriska

Chapter 2:

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Karkat: run computer virus ==>

Much as you’d love to do something astonishingly stupid, you’re a bit busy trying to talk Terezi out of being even stupider. Frankly it’s not going well at all and it’s keeping you pretty much occupied.

Sollux: Distribute game ==>

You don’t bother with any fancy stuff and just send the game out to everyone at once. They can retrieve it whenever they feel like it and make their own server arrangements too. You’re not going to try to run this crazy show.

Everyone: Make Server Arrangements ==>

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

CA: all right fef
CA: time to get you into this game
CC: O)( no you don’t!
CC: You’re going in first.
CC: T)(at way I can keep watc)( on all your misc)(ief!
CA: wwhat mischief fef
CA: wwhat am i possibly goin to get into
CA: do you think i wwill take this opportunity to finally massacre the surface dwwellers fivve fuckin minutes before they die on their owwn
CA: or is it your premise that i wwill try to perpetrate genocide inside the game
CA: wwho against fef
CA: you think im going to kill kar or kan or even sol
CA: theres no real trouble left for you to keep me out of anymore
CC: --Eridan if t)(ere were no trouble I’m sure you would make some more!
CA: anyway it doesnt really make a difference either wway
CA: either wwe are tryin to play our moirail roles or wwe arent
CA: if wwe are then its my job to protect you and let you go first
CA: if wwe arent then you dont got to keep me under control and im still lettin you go first
CA: checkmate fef
CA: check and mate
CC: Glub!
CA: wwait wwas that a yes glub or a no glub
CA: help me tell
CC: It was a glub glub!
CC: I don’t really control the glubs!
CA: fef ivve seen you control the glubs so many times
CA: anywway you are goin in and thats final
CA: wwhat kind of moirail wwould i be if i left you in danger one second longer than possible
CC: Glub glub glub!
CC: -----Eridan, you are the B----EST moirail!!!
CA: yeah
CA: youvve been a good moirail too
CA: and i cant thank you enough for puttin up wwith all my carp ovver the years
CA: or for pullin me out of the post-incident funk
CA: but wwe should talk about this more wwhen wwe get into the game
CA: for noww wwould you just glubbin enter
CC: Okay FIN--------E!!! 38D
CC: Sea you on the other side moirail mine!

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]


centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

CT: Are y0u prepared t0 estab1ish the server connection
AC: :33 < *ac has decided to take advantage of her friend's obvious guilt over going in first to force him into a roleplaying game!*
CT: 0h n0
AC: :33 < *oh yessssssss!*
AC: :33 < *the kitty will not push a single button until her roleplaying itch is scratched!*
CT: Nepeta, st0p this f001ishness immediate1y
CT: This is far t00 danger0us
AC: :33 < *the kitty is unable to hear any commands not addressed in-character!*
CT: Nepeta. . .
CT: S0 he1p me, I wi11 find a way t0 make y0u fee1 regret f0r y0ur a%ions
CT: *The transcendent 1ifef0rm c0mmands the w001d-be cat gir1 t0 press the butt0n a%e11erating their mutua1 entry int0 the game*
CT: *He 0bvi0us1y regrets n0t being ab1e t0 have her canter first, but the j0b 0f w0rking 0n his hive is far t00 imp0rtant t0 trust t0 any0ne e1se*
CT: *He assures her a server p1ayer t0 secure her entry has a1reasy been pr0cured*
AC: :33 < *the pretty kitty rubs up against a cold, robotic leg to make its owner feel better*
AC: :33 < *she's alright and she'll see him really soon!*
CT: *He misses the p0int 0f the e%ercise since it appears a11 sentiments e%pressed c001d just as easi1y be c0nveyed thr0ugh m0re 0rdinary means*
AC: :33 < *well, purrhaps that's true but this also happens to be the only chance ms. leijon will ever get to roleplay with mr. zahhak*
AC: :33 < *she would be willing to drop it for the moment if he were to purromise to do it again later when more frivolous subjects can be discussed!*
CT: dea1
AC: :33 < in that case just get into the game already you big baby!
CT: Very we11
CT: 1et us pr0ceed

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

carcinoGeneticist [CG]began trolling adiosToreador [AT]

CG: HEY ASSHOLE, IT'S TIME TO PLAY A GAME FOR BOYS.
AT: hEY, kARKAT, iF YOU WERE A GAME PIECE,
AT: wHAT KIND OF GAME PIECE WOULD YOU BE, dO YOU THINK,
CG: OKAY, YOU ARE EITHER HITTING ON ME OR READING FROM THE 8 MAGAZINE.
CG: EITHER WAY GO TO GODDAMN HELL.
AT: iT'S NOT LIKE THAT, iT'S,
AT: uHHHH, nEVER MIND,
AT: mAYBE WE CAN JUST PLAY THIS GAME INSTEAD,
CG: YES. THAT'S IT. IT IS OFFICIALLY TIME TO GET OFF YOUR USELESS ASS AND BEGIN MOVING.
CG: I SWEAR, YOU COULDN'T GET ANY SLOWER EVEN IF SOMEONE BROKE YOUR LEGS.
CG: I WILL BE THE LEADER OF THIS PARTY IF IT KILLS ME.
AT: bY LEADER DO YOU MEAN, uHHHH, tHAT YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO ENTER,
CG: AMONG OTHER THINGS, YES.
CG: OBVIOUSLY THERE IS GOING TO BE A LOT OF GLORIOUS POSTURING AND YELLING AT STUPID ASSHOLES.
CG: BUT GETTING INTO THIS GAME FIRST IS STEP ONE.
AT: i DON'T THINK THAT'S A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN, kARKAT,
CG: WELL IT MIGHT IF YOU GET MOVING!
AT: nO, wHAT I MEAN IS, tHERE ARE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE IN THE GAME ALREADY,
AT: sO UNLESS WE FIND SOME WAY TO TIME TRAVEL, tHAT'S NOT REALLY A POSSIBILITY ANYMORE,
CG: WELL, FUCK.
CG: ALL RIGHT, NEVER MIND ALL THAT.
CG: GETTING INTO THE GAME FIRST IS NOT A PRIORITY ANYMORE.
CG: IN FACT, IT HAS RETROACTIVELY NEVER BEEN A PRIORITY.
CG: WE'RE SHIFTING TO THE SECONDARY GOAL OF KEEPING TEREZI FROM DOING SOMETHING SUICIDALLY STUPID.
AT: oH, nO,
CG: YEAH, EXACTLY. GET ON WITH IT.

carcinoGeneticist [CG]ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]

Aradia: Be one of the people already in the game ==>

Yeah, one of the advantages of being so close with the guy distributing the game is that you get a bit of a head start.

Aradia: Prototype with dead lusus ==>

Dead?

No. She's fine. She's right here. As far as you know, everyone's lusii are fine. Well, except Vriska's, obviously. You're pretty sure Eridan ended up mercy-killing the thing. The mercy being towards everyone else, obviously. But barring any unexpected developments, all the other lusii should be okay.

Unexpected development: happen==>

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

CA: howw does that happen fef
CA: howw do you lose somethin the size of a
CA: wwell the size of your lusus
CA: i cant evven think of an object of a comparable size
CA: thats howw huge she is
CC: 38(
CA: ugh
CA: you wwant me to go and get her
CC: . . .
CC: No.
CC: I t)(ink that's )(ow t)(ings were supposed to work out
CC: It's not like t)(ere will be a lot to feed )(er in t)(e game
CA: wwont be a lot out here either wwith both of us gone
CA: so its basically us or evveryone else
CA: and since theyre all doomed and wwere not thats a pretty easy choice
CC: I reely don't want to t)(ink about )(er starving to deat)(, t)(ough!
CA: wwell i doubt the game wwould go that easy on her
CA: i mean if wwe just left her alone someone else might start feedin her
CA: if half the stuff you told me about this game is true then its not goin to take that chance
CC: Yea)(. . .
CC: O)( well!
CC: Can't let that drag us down!
CC: We )(ave ot)(er t)(ings to be concerned wit)(.
CC: --------EXCITING t)(ings!
CC: We )(ave to get you into t)(e game now more t)(an ever

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

Terezi: contact co-conspirator==>

gallowsCalibrator [GC]began trolling grimAuxilarix [GA]

GC: NOW JUST DO 4S W3 D1SCUSS3D
GC: N3P3T4 W1LL TRUST YOU TO B3 H3R S3RV3R
GC: 1 W1LL B3 YOUR S3RV3R
GC: 4ND 1 W1LL H4V3 4 S3RV3R OF MY OWN
GC: TH3N W3 C4N B3G1N
GC: R11111111GHT?
GA: Yes Terezi

gallowsCalibrator [GC]ceased trolling grimAuxilarix [GA]

Kanaya: Be Nepeta's server==>

You're about to enact Terezi's plan despite your reservations. But something has come up.

arachnidsGrip [AG]began trolling grimAuxilarix [GA]

AG: Heeeeeeeey there, Kanaya.
AG: Would you mind doing a favor to an old friend? ::::D
GA: Impossible
AG: Is it?
AG: Is it really?
GA: No I Suppose Not
GA: But You Havent Spoken To Us In So Long I Dared Not Hope
AG: It gets complic8ed.
AG: 8ut now that everything's finally underway, we can talk quite a 8it.
AG: Would you like that?
GA: More Than Anything
AG: That’s gr8.
AG: There’s just one thing:
AG: I really need to be in the game with you for everything to work.
AG: And it seems I’m fresh out of server players.
AG: Would you be willing to accomod8 me?
GA: Yes
GA: Just Wait A Second
GA: Please Dont Go Anywhere

arachnidsGrip [AG]ceased trolling grimAuxilarix [GA]


Kanaya: Let Terezi know the good news==>

Well, you try, anyway. (Un?)fortunately, you're so giddy you've managed to use the wrong speeddial and give the news to the only person who cares about it more than Terezi.

grimAuxilarix [GA]began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GA: Vriskas Talked To Me
GA: Shes Okay
GA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

grimAuxilarix [GA]ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: wwait reely
CA: kan
CA: dont leave me hangin kan

Eridan: Become excited==>

Your collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system overflows with obsidan. Vriska, your one and only true kismesis is really and truly alive? Or at least dead and still active? You bet you're excited.

In fact you’re so excited you’re thinking about breaking your internal stalemate and telling Feferi how you really feel about her. She’s been a wonderful moirail, and you’ve genuinely appreciated her ministrations; but your own feelings are much redder than that. You’re kind of scared of telling her about that, but things seem to be working out for you today.

You set your trollian mood to Cautiously Optimistic.

Everyone: Keep making server arrangements==>

At the moment a few of you are in the game, but if you want to avoid any unnecessary drama, the rest of you should really get your butts in gear.

Karkat: Contact hatefriend==>

carcinoGeneticist [CG]began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO'S SUDDENLY UP THE WATERWAY WITHOUT A BOAT MOVEMENT INITIATOR.
TA: KK, you just can’t do 2lang.
TA: youre not pulliing off 2treet, ju2t giive iit up already.
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK TO THE GUY WHO'S GOING TO SAVE YOUR PATHETIC, MISERABLE, EXCUSE FOR A WASTE OF A LIFE?
TA: wow you only get that level of iin2ult2 iin when you are really worriied.
TA: ii guess iit’2 really that bad, huh?
CG: BASICALLY, YES.
CG: THERE ARE ASTEROIDS FALLING EVERYWHERE AND IF YOU DON'T GET SMASHED BY A FUCKING ROCK SOMETHING WORSE IS PROBABLY ON THE WAY TOO.
CG: YOU AND YOUR GAME HAVE BASICALLY DESTROYED THE PLANET.
CG: GOOD JOB.
TA: lii2ten we both knoww thii2 ii2 ba2iically not my fault at all.
TA: now are we goiing two 2ave what we can
TA: or are we goiing two 2iit here and yell at each other?
CG: WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
TA: 2iigh.
TA: let the yelliing begiin ii gue22.
CG: WRONG!
CG: IT WAS TOTALLY THE FIRST ONE THIS TIME.
TA: okay ii diid not 2ee that one comiing at all.
TA: are you goiing 2oft on me KK?
CG: LISTEN, JUST SHUT UP AND GET INTO THE GAME, MAN.
CG: I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR BIPOLAR IDIOCY TODAY.
TA: well you dont have two a2k me twiice.
TA: let’2 do thii2 2hiit.

carcinoGeneticist [CG]ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]


Feferi: Contact likefriend==>

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT]

CC: Tavros, )(i!
AT: oH, hELLO,
AT: tO WHAT DO I OWE THE HONOR,
AT: oF THIS VISIT,
CC: Well, )(ow about t)(is game we are playing? 38D
CC: T)(at’s a PR---ETTY GOOD R----EASON, don’t you t)(ink?
AT: i SUPPOSE IT MIGHT BE, yES,
AT: dID YOU, uHHH, wANT TO BE MY SERVER,
CC: Sure!
CC: Unless you )(ad ot)(er plans?
AT: nOT, rEALLY,
AT: i HAVE TO ADMIT I HAVE NOT REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
AT: aS MUCH AS I SHOULD HAVE,
CC: Tavros, you )(ave to t)(ink t)(ings t)(roug)( a little more!
CC: Luckily for you, I )(ave taken it upon myself to cull everyone w)(o can't keep up! 38)
AT: jUST SO WE ARE CLEAR,
AT: tHAT WOULD BE THE KIND OF CULLING YOU LIKE,
AT: aND NOT, uHHHH, tHE OTHER KIND, rIGHT,
CC: T)(at's rig)(t!!!
CC: Jeez, Tavros, at least try to keep up.
CC: I can only )(elp you so muc)(!
AT: wELL, aNY HELP IS APPRECIATED,
AT: bY ME,
AT: bUT IF WE'RE BEING HONEST, i WAS NOT ACTUALLY CONFUSED ABOUT THAT,
AT: iT WAS KIND OF A JOKE,
CC: GLUB GLUB GLUB!
AT: wAS THAT A LAUGHING GLUB,
AT: i AM LEGITIMATELY CONFUSED THIS TIME,
CC: Y-------ES!
CC: Yes, OF COURS-----E it was a laug)(ing glub!
AT: tHAT’S GOOD,
CC: )(-E )(-E!
CC: Okay, I t)(ink we )(ave indulged eac)(ot)(er’s cute antics long enough)(!
CC: Now let’s compare notes!
AT: oH, nO,
AT: i AM JUST TERRIBLE AT NOTE TAKING,
AT: i’M SORRY,
CC: You know very well w)(at I mean!
CC: Now by IMP---ERIAL DECR----E----E I order you to reveal w)(atever secrets you learned in your sleep!
AT: nO, bUT THAT’S WHAT I’M BASICALLY TALKING ABOUT,
AT: bECAUSE WHEN I AM ASLEEP I DON’T THINK VERY WELL,
AT: aND I GUESS I ALWAYS FORGET TO LEARN ANYTHING USEFUL,
AT: i MOSTLY JUST FLY AROUND A LOT, i GUESS,
CC: Well, you must )(ave seen SOM---ET)(ING in your clouds!
CC: Come on, you know )(ow un)(elpful t)(e voices of t)(e )(orrorterrors can be!
AT: oKAY, i AM TRYING TO REMEMBER, nOW,
AT: iT’S ALL BITS AND PIECES, bUT I SAW A WHITE AND BLACK WORLD WITH WEIRD SHAPES ALL OVER IT,
AT: aND I SAW SOME OF WHAT I THINK ARE ALIENS,
AT: aND A CROWN THAT I THINK IS VERY IMPORTANT,
AT: aND ALSO I GUESS A VERY IMPORTANT CHOICE,
AT: oNLY I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT KIND OF CHOICE IT WAS,
AT: sORRY,
CC: It’s fine, Tavros!
CC: Not very )(elpful, but fine!
CC: Maybe after you go into t)(e game, you can dream clearer!
AT: mAYBE,
AT: i JUST WISH THERE WAS SOME METHOD I COULD USE TO IMPROVE MY MEMORY,
AT: sOMETHING TO REMIND ME ABOUT THINGS, yOU KNOW,
CC: Well, can you t)(ink of one?
AT: nO,
AT: i GUESS THERE IS NO WAY TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
CC: I guess not!!!
CC: O)( well.
CC: Let’s just get you inside!
AT: oH, yES,
AT: tHANK YOU,

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT]


(White Text Guy?): Drop more veiled and cryptic hints==>

Hello there thief how are you today? I hope you are feeling better and quite over your funk because you have quite a lot to do yes indeed and not a lot of time to do it in barring certain developments so youd better be feeling frisky!
AG: Hey.
AG: I just wanted to say. . .
AG: Thaaaaaaaanks!
AG: If it weren't for you and your never-ending 8lathering I don't know if I would ever have gotten my act together.
Oh well of course you are quite quite welcome but don't just assume I was acting for your benefit because it may not turn out to be true! Then again it may be but that's the complicated part isn't it? If you want to survive in this game you are going to have to take whatever paranoia you have acquired through your stay on your frankly horrible planet and octuple it at the very least
AG: That's a lot of paranoia!
It is the exact amount of paranoia you will require! If anything the estimate is conservative because you will be dealing with many things completely outside your scope of understanding and you will need to instantly ascertain which ones can be trusted and which ones cannot
AG: The answer is that none of them can be trusted, riiiiiiiight?
You might believe so but if it were so simple then I would hardly need to expand all this effort on being roundabout and trying to be so very objective and instead I could do things in a much much more straightforward manner but you see the issue is that if you simply trust nobody at all you will die! But thats not the worst of it because if you trust someone or something and you pick the wrong sources you might live but blow a one in an eternity chance
AG: A chance to do what?
AG: You're always talking a8out that and whenever i ask for a normal answer I just get more of your cagey 8ullshit.
AG: All the cagey 8ullshit.
AG: ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!
Hardly all of it not even half or a quarter and you see the issue with my telling you is that if you allow ME to define your goals for you then you will have lost the chance to define your own goals and thats the greatest danger of all! But as it happens I do have something more concrete for you today because today is the day you receive your first clue as is only proper since today is the first day youll have to use it!
AG: Now we're talking!
AG: Hit me! ::::D
Very well the long and short of it goes thusly: when you enter a game there will be one goal with a number of poorly concealed arrows pointing to it and should you uncover the arrows you might feel quite proud of yourself for discovering all there is but always remember there might be some goals out there with no arrows pointing to them at all!
AG: What, that's it?
AG: THAT is what I have 8een w8ing for for the last half a sweep?
Of course not it is exactly one twelfth of what you have been waiting for and if you can put all the twelve pieces together then you will all know just as much as I can inform you of without pushing my own viewpoint on you which would be quite a dangerous one to accept
AG: You know, you really don't strike me as a guy who's dangerous at all.
AG: You seem like a goody two-shoes to me, pro8a8ly looking out for all of us poor troll kids out of the goodness of your own heart.
Oh my but aren't you sweet and yet as sweet as you are I can't exactly say that you're right because even if we were to assume that I am a paragon of virtue and helpfulness which is an assumption I keep urging you not to make my employer is most certainly not! And because there is no real choice for me about whether or not to be employed I am sharply limited in what I could do to help you even if we were to assume helping is indeed my goal and because I am so limited the most I could ever do is make sure you are aware of all the possibilities present at your fingertips and from there on things pass from my control into your capable hands and I can't make the choice for you! But we're running out of time to be so glib because it's just about time for you to leave now since I believe the game is about to be very mean to your acquaintance's poor lusus!

GL’BGOLYB: Die quickly and painlessly==>

You are hit by an asteroid. You have just enough time for a single psychic scream before peacefully drifting off into death. Those who hear the scream. . . aren't so lucky.

Terezi: Wonder where Kanaya's gotten to==>

It is a mystery! And not one you have time to solve yourself. It's too bad, she really would be the best for this job. But you suppose you will just have to handle this one yourself!

Terezi: Make servee arrangement==>

gallowsCalibrator [GC]began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

GC: SO H3R3 1S TH3 D34L
GC: YOU DON'T L1K3 M3 4ND YOU DON'T TRUST M3
GC: YOU 1N F4CT KNOW TH4T 1 41M TO PUN1SH YOU 4ND YOUR P4RTN3R FOR YOUR CR1M3S
GC: BUT BY TH3 3ND OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON YOU W1LL 4CC3PT M3 4S YOUR S3RV3R
GC: 1SN'T 1T COOL? >:]
AC: go away!!!
GC: 4R3N’T YOU GO1NG TO S4Y SOM3TH1NG L1K3
GC: *TH3 FURROC1OUS T1GR33SS RUFFL3S H3R FUR AND GROWLS*
GC: >:D
AC: :33 < i have nothing to say to you!
AC: :33 < leave me alone and leave equius alone!!!
GC: NOW WH3R3 WOULD W3 B3 1F 1 D1D TH4T?
GC: W3 C3RT41NLY WOULDNT B3 ON 4 SW1FT P4TH TO JUST1C3 1LL T3LL YOU TH4T MUCH!
AC: :33 < if you ever get anywhere near equius he will rip you in two!
AC: :33 < he’s STRONG!!!
GC: W3LL 1F YOU 4R3 R34LLY SO SUR3 WHY NOT L3T M3 TRY?
GC: YOU WOULD B3 R1DD1NG YOURS3LF OF QU1T3 4N 4NNOY4NC3
GC: COULD 1T B3 YOU TH1NK 1 M1GHT HURT H1M?
GC: TH4T 1 H4V3 SOM3 SORT OF 4 TR1CK UP MY SL33V3 TH4T WOULD L3T M3 B34T H1M NO M4TT3R HOW STRONG H3 M1GHT B3?
GC: COULD 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SUCH 4 TR1CK?
GC: WHO KNOWS!!! >;]
AC: :33 < what do you want from me terezi?!
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 KNOW WH4T *YOU* W4NT
GC: YOU W4NT TO PROT3CT YOUR D34R, SW33T MO1R41L 4ND M4K3 SUR3 H3 N3V3R P4YS FOR H1S CR1M3!
GC: BUT HOW COULD YOU DO TH4T?
GC: UNL3SS OF COURS3 YOU W3R3 ST4ND1NG B3TW33N HIM 4ND M3? >:]
AC: :33 < grrr
AC: :33 < fine!
AC: :33 < i will protect equius even if it means letting you rip up my hive!
GC: PL34S3!
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 COMPL3T3LY JUV3N1L3 B3H4V1OUR 4ND V3RY 1N4PPROPR14T3 WH3N 1N 4CT1V3 PURSU1T OF JUST1C3!
GC: (W3LL, M4YB3 JUST 4 N3W CO4T OF P41NT)
GC: 1 W1LL LOOK FORW4RD TO OUR 1N3V1T4BLY 1NT3NS3 CONFRONT4T1ON!

gallowsCalibrator [GC]ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]


Terezi: Go for the rare and dangerous x2 Server Combo==>

gallowsCalibrator [GC]began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3
TC: honk.
TC: HONK.
TC: :o)
TC: Do:
GC: H3Y TH3R3 G4MZ33
GC: 1T 1S T1M3 TO PL4Y SOM3 G4M3S
TC: so, you want me to stick to our deal.
TC: AND TO BE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SERVER.
GC: TH4T W4S TH3 G3N3R4L 1D34!
GC: TH3R3 WOULD B3 NO PO1NT 1N M4K1NG D34LS 1F YOU JUST 1GNOR3D TH3M 4FT3RW4RD!
TC: arguably there is inherent comedic value in doublecrossing someone.
TC: DOUBLECROSSING THEM LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!
GC: TH3R3 M1GHT B3! >:]
GC: BUT B3FOR3 W3 G3T 1NTO TH4T. . .
GC: T3LL M3 G4MZ33 WH4T 1S TH4T 1 SM3LL ON YOUR BR34TH
TC: nothing?
GC: Y3S!
GC: 3X4CTLY TH4T
GC: BUT NOT TH3 ORD1N4RY K1ND OF NOTH1NG
GC: 1T 1S 4 V3RY CONSP1CUOUS 4BS3NC3 1F YOU KNOW WH4T 1 M34N
GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 TH3 4BS3NC3 OF. . .
GC: SOPOR SL1M3!!! >:O
TC: MOTHERFUCKING SLANDER! Do:
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
GC: NO 1TS TH3R3 4LL R1GHT
GC: 1T SM3LLS W31RD
GC: OR
GC: WH4T WOULD YOU S4Y TH3 3X1ST3NT14L OPPOS1T3 OF W31RD 1S?
GC: M4YB3 DULL
GC: BUT WHY WOULD 1T B3 ON YOUR BR34TH G4MZ33?
GC: WHY DO3S YOUR BR34TH SM3LL L1K3 DULLN3SS? >:/
GC: 1T 1S 4 MYST3RY!
TC: listen, i am only going to say this motherfucking once:
TC: LEAVE IT ALONE!
GC: COULD 1T B3 YOU H4V3 NOT B33N SL33P1NG W3LL?
GC: BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK TH3 SM3LL WOULD B3 ON YOUR SK1N OR YOUR 3Y3S NOT YOUR MOUTH
GC: WHY G4MZ33 COULD 1T B3? >:O
GC: H4V3 YOU B33N 34T1NG SOPOR SL1M3?!
GC: WHY TH4T 1S SO SC4ND4LOUS!
TC: oh hey motherfucking look over here.
TC: THERE IS SUDDENLY AN OPENING IN MY SCHEDULE.
TC: turns out i have just enough time to be a motherfucking server.
TC: IT IS A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE!
TC: of course the client would have to shut up.
TC: CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
GC: 4NYTH1NG FOR YOU P4RTN3R
GC: 4S LONG 4S YOU PL4Y BY TH3 RUL3S

gallowsCalibrator [GC]ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

Eridan: bleed out of every orifice==>

What, are you kidding? The thing's not done killing the red-bloods yet. You have a slight headache, but that's about it.

Royalty has its privileges. In fact that's about all it has.

Eridan: Try your luck at black flirting==>

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

CA: hey
CA: heard you wwere back
CA: thought id check in
CA: see wwhats up
CA: you knoww
CA: no biggie
AG: Oh my God, Eridan, are you trying to 8e cool?!
AG: Do you remem8er the last time you tried 8eing cool?
AG: We had to kill everyone 8ecause otherwise *I* would have died of em8arrassment!
CA: . . .
CA: oh i missed you so much!!!
AG: Since when do you use shoutpoles?
CA: vvris you dont knoww wwhat it wwas like
CA: it wwas like half a my life wwas totally broken awway
CA: i tried findin someone else to hate but it wwas useless because there is absolutely no one wwho is as hateful as you
CA: it wwas just so hard vvris
CA: so hard
AG: Eh, I know what you mean.
AG: After I died pretty much nothing seemed to matter anymore.
AG: Everything just seemed empty and meaningless and I didn't want to do anything.
CA: yeah
CA: thats about right
AG: 8ut. . .
AG: I was dead!!!!!!!!
AG: What's your excuse, you nincompoop?
CA: wwhat
AG: I go away for a sweep and what do I find when I come 8ack?
AG: A8solutely nothing!
AG: You have 8asically not accomplished anything at all in all this time.
CA: hey
AG: Do you lack any sort of am8ition or are you just really that incompetent?
AG: Do you need someone to hold your hand every day or else you'll just sit around and mope?
CA: stop it
AG: Or what?
AG: Face it, Eridan, you are washed up!
AG: All you have is your silly cartoonish villainy and you can't even do that right!
CA: vvris are you tryin to get me to hate you
CA: because i already do
AG: Puh-leeeeeeeease!
AG: Like I would want the h8 of a wuss like you.
AG: Anyone trying to h8 me had 8etter 8e at the top of their game!
AG: They'd 8etter 8e capa8le of picking a goal and accomplishing it.
AG: Not just whining about things all day.
CA: okay i sea your game noww
CA: you are just tryin to bait me
CA: like im some tool wwho wwill jump wwhen you say roll ovver
CA: you are tryin to get me to go fishshit insane on this game so you can just wwalk all ovver the ruins a the challenges
AG: So what are you going to sit in your little hive and cry instead?
CA: no
CA: a course im goin to basically wwreck this game i mean come on
CA: but for your information i wwas alwways goin to do that
CA: you cant influence me you pathetic mindgame wwannabe
AG: Oh, that's rich coming from you, you 8utless 8eek!
CA: i notice i wwasnt the one wwho died like a big fat idiot
AG: You might as well have for all you've accomplished since then, you marine fr8ak.
CA: bitch
AG: Los8r.
CA: so are you goin to get me into this game or wwhat
AG: Of course I am you dwee8.
AG: I mean, jeeeeeeeez, don't get your panties in a knot. ::::)
CA: its great to havve you back vvris
AG: It's gr8 to 8e 8ack, you un8elieva8le moron.
AG: It's gr8 to 8e back.

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]


Wow. <3< .

You have ALL THE LUCK when it comes to ladies today. ALL OF IT.

You're so sure of that that you are DEFINITELY going to put your moves on Feferi later.

It would really, really suck if it turned out you actually only have HALF THE LUCK.

Kanaya: Try your luck at red flirting==>

grimAuxilarix [GA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

GA: Hello Again Vriska
GA: Um
GA: If You Dont Mind My Asking
GA: What Was It Like
GA: To Be Dead
AG: 8oring!
AG: I don't know how people can stand it for so long.
GA: Oh
GA: You Have Not Spoken To Any Of Us In So Long I Began To Believe You Were Truly Gone Despite Equius Repeatedly Making Statements To The Contrary
GA: And
GA: I Missed You
AG: You should listen to that guy more.
AG: I h8 to admit it, 8ut he knows what he's talking a8out.
AG: Unless it's a8out one of his stupid fetishes.
AG: In that case you pro8a8ly just want to sort of put your hands over your ears and chant somethin8.
GA: :)
GA: That Is The Face I Just Made
AG: You are always making that face, though.
AG: Half the faces you make are that face.
GA: I Suppose Thats True
GA: Is That A Bad Thing
AG: Nah.
AG: After 8eing in that stupid funk for so long you could say I'm looking for things that are sort of. . .
AG: 8right.
AG: O8vious.
AG: Straightforward.
AG: Eridan's talked to me already and he is just like a ball of 8lackness!
AG: 8ut of course a girl can't leave on 8lack alone.
AG: I wonder where I could find someone to 8alance that out?
GA: Ah
GA: Will You Excuse Me For Another Minute

grimAuxilarix [GA] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]


Eridan and Kanaya: Internet high five==>

grimAuxilarix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GA: This Is The Best Day Ever
GA: !
CA: yes
CA: yes it is
CA: by the wway kan
CA: are you ponderin wwhat im ponderin
GA: We Need To Procure A Body
GA: Preferably One Able To Experience Tactile Sensation
GA: And To Reciprocate In Kind
CA: thats a little more explicit than id admit to but yeah basically thats the idea
CA: lets brainstorm later
GA: Agreed

grimAuxilarix [GA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

Equius: Offer service to the lady==>

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling grimAuxilarix [GA]

CT: I have been reviewing the 100p stru%ure being semi-inadvertent1y set up by 0ur fe110w p1ayers
CT: And it w001d appear that if we are t0 f0rm a c0mp1ete 100p I am t0 bec0me y0ur server
CT: I h0pe that is agreeab1e
GA: Its Fine Thank You
GA: I will Attempt Not To Cause You Undue Burdens
GA: After We Complete The Relay There Should Be No More Need For You To Associate With An Inferior Organic Intelligence
CT: I don't mind speaking t0 y0u
CT: Y0u are very inte11igent
GA: For A Mortal You Mean
CT: Well, yes
CT: I rea1ize that my references t0 m0rta1ity as a burden might s0und 0ffensive t0 th0se wh0 sti11 1ab0r underneath that burden
CT: But I am stating n0thing 1ess and n0thing m0re than simp1e fa%s
CT: If y0u are unc0mf0rtab1e with that we can keep 0ur c0nversati0n sh0rt
GA: No Its Alright
GA: You Do Not Seem Hostile And I Admit A Certain Amount Of Curiosity That Can Only Be Satisfied By Someone With A Perspective Of A Post Mortem Persuasion
GA: If You Wouldnt Mind Answering My Questions After Getting Me Into The Game
GA: Well
GA: I Believe I Would Like That
CT: That w001d be a%eptab1e

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling grimAuxilarix [GA]


Aradia: Freak out about the fact you have to be Gamzee's server==>

This is basically the worst thing ever. You've always been distrustful of the aristocracy in general, but at least some of them manage to be kind of sort of relatively sane. Gamzee is unabashedly, unequivocally insane. And not in the 'stalk someone for weeks' kind of way, or 'constantly freak out at the voices in his head' kind of way, which are all normal and sensible ways to be insane. This guy is insane in the 'kill someone and wear their face like a mask' kind of way.

Aradia: Go through with it anyway==>

apocalypseArisen [AA]began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AA: i just want y0u t0 kn0w
AA: i think y0ure awful and y0u deserve t0 die
AA: lets get that fact 0ut there t0 start with
TC: well aren't you motherfucking sweet.
TC: BUT FRIENDS DON'T KILL MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS.
TC: and they don't let them motherfucking die either.
AA: y0ure n0t my friend
AA: y0ure n0t my anything!!!
AA: i really really wish i c0uld just leave y0u al0ne t0 bleed t0 death
AA: just s0 y0u can see what it feels like!
TC: BUT YOU MOTHERFUCKING WON'T!
TC: isn't that the greatest joke of all?
AA: listen if i let y0u int0 the game
AA: there isnt g0ing t0 be any killing right?
TC: HAD THAT DISCUSSION EARLIER PEASANTBLOOD.
TC: i kinda wish i could bash in your head and look at your brain spilling all over the floor.
TC: BUT I WON'T.
TC: better be something in the game for me to motherfucking murder thoguh.
TC: OTHERWISE THIS CLOWN IS GOING TO BE ONE UNHAPPY MOTHERFUCKING CAMPER.
TC: honk.
TC: HONK.
AA: l00k just. . .
AA: ill get y0u int0 the game and fr0m then 0n y0u stay the hell away fr0m me 0kay?
AA: we d0nt have t0 interact 0r anything
AA: just keep y0urself 0ccupied in a way that d0esnt inv0lve the want0n slaughter 0f my friends
TC: you got yourself a motherfucking deal.
TC: NOW SERVE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SUPERIOR, PEASANTBLOOD.

apocalypseArisen [AA]ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

[PingZing]

This popped into my head last night and wouldn't go away.

Dog Almighty

show spoiler

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Damndest thing happened to me yesterday. So I’m sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, right? It’s hot as hell outside, I’m pretty sure I saw a few kids trying to fry an egg on some foil on the sidewalk. Smelled pretty good, so I think it was working. Two sets of doors between the room and the outside, AC on full blast, and it still feels like a furnace every time somebody comes in. You can actually see the plants (real, surprisingly) next to the door wilt every time that door opens. It’s miserable, and I’m almost glad I’m waiting for my buddy to get operated on. What? Oh, nothing serious, just some minor deal, he’s fine now. He just needed someone to drive him home, make sure he didn’t swallow a stapler or whatever.

Anyway, so I’m sitting in that waiting room, blessing the invention of air conditioning, and I’m looking around the room, right? Only other guy in there besides the receptionist is this tall blonde guy wearing shades. Not so weird, except he’s got this massive dog at his side, thing probably came up to my waist. Pure white too, I swear to god the thing almost glowed. Now, you can tell this guy hasn’t been here long, because the receptionist is getting all antsy behind the desk, staring at the dog, probably wondering how to tackle the issue, but she hasn’t asked him to leave yet. I felt sort of bad just watching, but I’ll admit, I sorted of wanted to see how it played out. Eventually, she worked up the nerve, I guess.

“Sir? Excuse me, sir?” she says.

Now, I hadn’t realized it, but up till that point the only sound in the room other than the AC and whatever background noise you get in a waiting room was this guy tapping out a beat on the arm of his chair. When he stopped, it was like time froze for a moment, it was so quiet. He looks up a little bit, probably making eye contact with the receptionist behind those shades of his.

“’sup?” he says.

“I’m uh, I’m afraid we have a no pets policy here,” she stutters out.

Guy looks over at the dog, laying down, head on its front paws, eyes closed. The thing looked asleep, but its ears were perked up. I swear to god, it was listening to the conversation. Guy looks back up at the receptionist and shrugs “Sorry, ain’t my dog.” And he looks back down, goes back to tapping out his beat.

“Sir! If you won’t comply with hospital policy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!” the receptionist cries.

Guy looks up again, looks back over at the dog, looks back up. Shrugs again. “Won’t help you with your dog problem, but if it makes you feel better, sure, whatever.” He gets up, shoves his hands in his pockets, and walks out, bopping his head.

There’s a rush of hot air from outside as he leaves. Only thing the dog does is drop his ears back down, not a twitch otherwise. The poor receptionist is even more flustered now, because how the hell is she supposed to handle a huge damn dog in her lobby? She looks around, and I just sort of shrug helplessly at her. After that stupid Doberman nearly took my hand off a few years ago, I don’t like dealing with dogs. I feel sort of bad, but I like all my limbs attached, you know? Anyway, the poor girl gets up and walks tentatively over to the dog, and I can’t say I blame her. Hardly in the job description is it? “Deal with patients, possibly bleeding, file paperwork, handle calls, sort out huge fucking dogbeasts”? Probably not.

She sort of prods the dog with her toe, and the thing cracks open an eye and stares up at her. She points to the door, and says “Go on! Get! Shoo!”

The dog isn’t impressed. Closes his eye, goes back to ignoring the world. The receptionist is a little encouraged at not immediately getting her face bitten off, so she’s a little bolder now. “Hey! No! Bad dog!” she says loudly.

The dog opens both his eyes at this point and, swear to god, cross my heart, hope to die, the thing raises an eyebrow at her, like I can’t believe what you’re doing right now, lady. I know dogs don’t have eyebrows. Steely-eyed bastard does it anyway. He sort of chuffs, and closes his eyes again. The receptionist is getting fed up at this point, you can tell. She huffs, sets her hands on her hips for a moment, then bends down and grabs the dog’s collar with both hands and…

…well, this is where shit gets weird. See, the moment the lady lays hands on the dog, the thing bolts upright, dragging her with it. And for a split second, it’s like there’s this…I guess, dog-shaped hole in space, a flash of green light, then both the dog and the receptionist are just gone. A few seconds later, dog comes trotting in through the doors, and lays right back down. I’m confused as hell, so I look out the windows behind me, and see the receptionist standing outside, a few feet away from the entry doors, shaking like a leaf. Blonde guy from earlier is leaning against the wall enjoying a smoke. He turns to the receptionist and says something to her, can’t hear ‘em through the wall. She mumbles something back, and he flicks the cigarette to the pavement and grinds it out, and pats her gently on the shoulder. He says something to her, and leads her back inside. He sits down in his old chair, and she behind her desk. She picks up the phone, and it sounds like she’s calling animal control.

Sure enough, about ten minutes later, a burly guy comes in holding one of those animal noose dealies. You know, metal pole with a loop of rope on one end, they pull on the other end and they hold the critter that way? Anyway, he walks over to the receptionist, they chat for a bit, and she points him toward the beast on the other side of the room. He walks over, all cautious, pole-noose thing held in front of him like it’ll protect him.

“Sir, is this your dog?” he asks the blonde guy.

“Nope. He’s all yours,” he replies, and gestures to the dog, but doesn’t move otherwise.

The animal control guy frowns and shrugs. He reaches toward the dog with his noose, and gets as far as slipping it around the thing’s neck before it opens its eyes again. It gives him its disbelieving eyebrow for a moment, but I guess that didn’t deter him, because his next mistake is trying to tighten the noose. Next thing I know, flash of green again, and the animal control guy and the dog are gone. Dog comes trotting in through the front door again, and the poor receptionist squeaks, and recoils. The dog ignores her and goes to lie back down on the floor near the blonde guy again. The animal control guy walks in, his pole-noose missing, looking totally bewildered.

“What the hell just happened?” he demands.

“I told you! I told you there was something freaky about that thing!” the receptionist says, her voice cracking into a shriek near the end.

And then suddenly the blonde guy is standing there, hand on the animal control guy’s shoulder. Which was weird as hell, because I’m sure I didn’t see him get up, much less cross the room.

“Look,” he says, looking at the animal control guy and the receptionist, “If the problem here is cleanliness, that’s not even an issue. Look at that thing, you could probably eat your goddamn breakfast off that coat if you didn’t mind getting a mouthful of fur. Or gamma poisoning, but even that shit may just turn you into some kind of radioactive dog-themed superhero, so whatever. Point is, the devilbeast is clean enough.” He turned to the animal control guy. “You just tell your guys that you got it taken care of, or that it ran away, or some shit.” And to the receptionist, “And you just keep quiet about it, and nobody’s the wiser. Look at it, thing’s about as menacing as a giant marshmallow unless you threaten it, right?”

“But what if my boss comes in? How do I explain to him that there’s a huge superdog in the lobby that nobody can get rid of?!” She’s starting to get a little hysterical.

Blonde guy’s expression doesn’t move an inch; he just pats her on the shoulder and says “Don’t worry about it.”

This seems to calm her down, inexplicably. I guess she decided that it just wasn’t her problem any more. The animal control guy doesn’t seem so sure, though. “I think I’m gonna have to call this one in.”

Blonde guy rounds on him. “And what, have three of you chumps standing around missing equipment and being magically outside all of the sudden, scratching your asses?”

Animal control guy seems to reconsider at this, and nods slowly. “Maybe you’re right. You sure your dog ain’t dangerous? Because I ain’t seen anything like it, and I been doing this for fifteen years.”

“Not my dog. But yeah, like I said, giant goddamn marshmallow.” He gives the animal control guy a hearty slap on the back, staggering him, and sits back down.

I didn’t think much of it at the time, but the animal control guy? He wasn’t small, by any means. We’re talking probably like, just shy of two hundred pounds, a good chunk of it muscle. Skinny blonde guy just about knocks the wind out of him with that one smack. Told you, nothing about this wasn’t weird. Anyway, the animal control guy leaves, muttering something about how maybe fifteen years roping animals was long enough. The receptionist is sitting behind her desk, shooting glances at the dog every few seconds. Blonde guy is sitting in his chair, inscrutable as ever behind his shades, still tap-tap-tapping away. The dog hasn’t moved.

Things stay pretty much like that for the next ten minutes, until the dog suddenly explodes upward, faces the wall and starts growling. I kid you not, little sparks of green electricity were shooting from the thing. Blonde guy doesn’t even look over, just sets his hand on the thing’s head and starts muttering to it.

“They cuttin’ into her?” He says. The dog lets out a short bwf noise. “Welp. Told you, she’s a skinny one. Just don’t go pulling your overprotective teleport-spam bullshit, and she’ll be fine.”

Yeah, the guy was totally talking to the dog. Even weirder part was, the dog looked back at him, growled a little bit, then settled back down. Dog’s ears twitched occasionally, but other than that, it didn’t move. Blonde guy went back to tapping on his chair, getting both hands into the mix this time. About twenty minutes later, a nurse comes in.

“Mister Strider?” she calls out, and the blonde guy looks up.

“Sup?”

His face is totally nonchalant, but he’s stopped tapping again, and one of his hands is clutching the arm of the chair so hard, his knuckles are white. The dog is looking at the nurse too. The receptionist is eavesdropping, pretending to stare at her computer’s screen, but I can see the screensaver reflected in her glasses.

The nurse smiles. “She’s ready to see you now. Congratulations sir, you’re a father!”

The guy’s hand unclenches from the chair, and his shoulders relax slightly. “Awesome.” He stands up. “Lead the way. C’mon, devilbeast.” He starts walking over to the nurse, and the dog follows.

“Hey,” I say, finally speaking up, “I thought you said that wasn’t your dog?”

He turns to me, and gives me a tiny smirk. “He’s not. He’s my wife’s.”

Notes

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I make no apologies for my awful Dave-voice in this. My excuse that he's learned diplomacy with age. Also, I guess you can just assume this is a Sburb-less AU, for Bec to still be alive and empowered after the kids grow up? I dunno. Doesn't much matter anyway, this was just fun to write.

[A Fan]

I'm very glad that stuck with with you, Ping. I can only imagine the amount of time and trust needed for anyone to calm down Bec when he's in overprotective dog-dad mode.

[Red Pen]

A Sweep Without Vriska

Chapter 2:

Oh yesssssss. Been eagerly awaiting the next chapter of this, and it does not disappoint.

[draconicAlgorithm]

Just gonna drop off a thing.

SiCk - In which shoving sopor slime at Gamzee and hoping the problem goes away does not fix anything.

I may or may not write more of this. So many fics in the fire. So lazy when it comes to updating them.

I thought the parts where Gamzee thought about Tavros were especially heart wrenching (especially since I'm a fan of GamzeeTavros ;-; ). Overall, it was just a really great fic, and I hope you do end up writing more of it.

@ PingZing: That was great too. Personally, I thought your Dave voice was spot on, and this was all pretty adorable. I love the idea of Bec as an anxious grandpa waiting with Dave in the waiting room. xD

[Rebbe]

This popped into my head last night and wouldn't go away.

Dog Almighty

Heee, that was fantastic! Love the premise and the use of a nameless third party for the POV.

[Twigwise]

This popped into my head last night and wouldn't go away.

Dog Almighty

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Damndest thing happened to me yesterday. So I’m sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, right? It’s hot as hell outside, I’m pretty sure I saw a few kids trying to fry an egg on some foil on the sidewalk. Smelled pretty good, so I think it was working. Two sets of doors between the room and the outside, AC on full blast, and it still feels like a furnace every time somebody comes in. You can actually see the plants (real, surprisingly) next to the door wilt every time that door opens. It’s miserable, and I’m almost glad I’m waiting for my buddy to get operated on. What? Oh, nothing serious, just some minor deal, he’s fine now. He just needed someone to drive him home, make sure he didn’t swallow a stapler or whatever.

Anyway, so I’m sitting in that waiting room, blessing the invention of air conditioning, and I’m looking around the room, right? Only other guy in there besides the receptionist is this tall blonde guy wearing shades. Not so weird, except he’s got this massive dog at his side, thing probably came up to my waist. Pure white too, I swear to god the thing almost glowed. Now, you can tell this guy hasn’t been here long, because the receptionist is getting all antsy behind the desk, staring at the dog, probably wondering how to tackle the issue, but she hasn’t asked him to leave yet. I felt sort of bad just watching, but I’ll admit, I sorted of wanted to see how it played out. Eventually, she worked up the nerve, I guess.

“Sir? Excuse me, sir?” she said.

Now, I hadn’t realized it, but up till that point the only sound in the room other than the AC and whatever background noise you get in a waiting room was this guy tapping out a beat on the arm of his chair. When he stopped, it was like time froze for a moment, it was so quiet. He looks up a little bit, probably making eye contact with the receptionist behind those shades of his.

“’sup?” he said.

“I’m uh, I’m afraid we have a no pets policy here,” she stuttered out.

Guy looks over at the dog, laying down, head on its front paws, eyes closed. The thing looked asleep, but its ears were perked up. I swear to god, it was listening to the conversation. Guy looks back up at the receptionist and shrugs “Sorry, ain’t my dog.” And he looks back down, goes back to tapping out his beat.

“Sir! If you won’t comply with hospital policy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!” the receptionist cried.

Guy looks up again, looks back over at the dog, looks back up. Shrugs again. “Won’t help you with your dog problem, but if it makes you feel better, sure, whatever.” He gets up, shoves his hands in his pockets, and walks out, bopping his head.

There’s a rush of hot air from outside as he leaves. Only thing the dog does is drop his ears back down, not a twitch otherwise. The poor receptionist is even more flustered now, because how the hell is she supposed to handle a huge damn dog in her lobby? She looks around, and I just sort of shrug helplessly at her. After that stupid Doberman nearly took my hand off a few years ago, I don’t like dealing with dogs. I feel sort of bad, but I like all my limbs attached, you know? Anyway, the poor girl gets up and walks tentatively over to the dog, and I can’t say I blame her. Hardly in the job description is it? “Deal with patients, possibly bleeding, file paperwork, handle calls, sort out huge fucking dogbeasts”? Probably not.

She sort of prods the dog with her toe, and the thing cracks open an eye and stares up at her. She points to the door, and says “Go on! Get! Shoo!”

The dog isn’t impressed. Closes his eye, goes back to ignoring the world. The receptionist is a little encouraged at not immediately getting her face bitten off, so she’s a little bolder now. “Hey! No! Bad dog!” she says loudly.

The dog opens both his eyes at this point and, swear to god, cross my heart, hope to die, the thing raises an eyebrow at her, like I can’t believe what you’re doing right now, lady. I know dogs don’t have eyebrows. Steely-eyed bastard does it anyway. He sort of chuffs, and closes his eyes again. The receptionist is getting fed up at this point, you can tell. She huffs, sets her hands on her hips for a moment, then bends down and grabs the dog’s collar with both hands and…

…well, this is where shit gets weird. See, the moment the lady lays hands on the dog, the thing bolts upright, dragging her with it. And for a split second, it’s like there’s this…I guess, dog-shaped hole in space, a flash of green light, then both the dog and the receptionist are just gone. A few seconds later, dog comes trotting in through the doors, and lays right back down. I’m confused as hell, so I look out the windows behind me, and see the receptionist standing outside, a few feet away from the entry doors, shaking like a leaf. Blonde guy from earlier is leaning against the wall enjoying a smoke. He turns to the receptionist and says something to her, can’t hear ‘em through the wall. She mumbles something back, and he flicks the cigarette to the pavement and grinds it out, and pats her gently on the shoulder. He says something to her, and leads her back inside. He sits down in his old chair, and she behind her desk. She picks up the phone, and it sounds like she’s calling animal control.

Sure enough, about ten minutes later, a burly guy comes in holding one of those animal noose dealies. You know, metal pole with a loop of rope on one end, they pull on the other end and they hold the critter that way? Anyway, he walks over to the receptionist, they chat for a bit, and she points him toward the beast on the other side of the room. He walks over, all cautious, pole-noose thing held in front of him like it’ll protect him.

“Sir, is this your dog?” he asks the blonde guy.

“Nope. He’s all yours,” he replies, and gestures to the dog, but doesn’t move otherwise.

The animal control guy frowns and shrugs. He reaches toward the dog with his noose, and gets as far as slipping it around the thing’s neck before it opens its eyes again. It gives him its disbelieving eyebrow for a moment, but I guess that didn’t deter him, because his next mistake is trying to tighten the noose. Next thing I know, flash of green again, and the animal control guy and the dog are gone. Dog comes trotting in through the front door again, and the poor receptionist squeaks, and recoils. The dog ignores her and goes to lie back down on the floor near the blonde guy again. The animal control guy walks in, his pole-noose missing, looking totally bewildered.

“What the hell just happened?” he demands.

“I told you! I told you there was something freaky about that thing!” the receptionist says, her voice cracking into a shriek near the end.

And then suddenly the blonde guy is standing there, hand on the animal control guy’s shoulder. Which was weird as hell, because I’m sure I didn’t see him get up, much less cross the room.

“Look,” he says, looking at the animal control guy and the receptionist, “If the problem here is cleanliness, that’s not even an issue. Look at that thing, you could probably eat your goddamn breakfast off that coat if you didn’t mind getting a mouthful of fur. Or gamma poisoning, but even that shit may just turn you into some kind of radioactive dog-themed superhero, so whatever. Point is, the devilbeast is clean enough.” He turned to the animal control guy. “You just tell your guys that you got it taken care of, or that it ran away, or some shit.” And to the receptionist, “And you just keep quiet about it, and nobody’s the wiser. Look at it, thing’s about as menacing as a giant marshmallow unless you threaten it, right?”

“But what if my boss comes in? How do I explain to him that there’s a huge superdog in the lobby that nobody can get rid of?!” She’s starting to get a little hysterical.

Blonde guy’s expression doesn’t move an inch; he just pats her on the shoulder and says “Don’t worry about it.”

This seems to calm her down, inexplicably. I guess she decided that it just wasn’t her problem any more. The animal control guy doesn’t seem so sure, though. “I think I’m gonna have to call this one in.”

Blonde guy rounds on him. “And what, have three of you chumps standing around missing equipment and being magically outside all of the sudden, scratching your asses?”

Animal control guy seems to reconsider at this, and nods slowly. “Maybe you’re right. You sure your dog ain’t dangerous? Because I ain’t seen anything like it, and I been doing this for fifteen years.”

“Not my dog. But yeah, like I said, giant goddamn marshmallow.” He gives the animal control guy a hearty slap on the back, staggering him, and sits back down.

I didn’t think much of it at the time, but the animal control guy? He wasn’t small, by any means. We’re talking probably like, just shy of two hundred pounds, a good chunk of it muscle. Skinny blonde guy just about knocks the wind out of him with that one smack. Told you, nothing about this wasn’t weird. Anyway, the animal control guy leaves, muttering something about how maybe fifteen years roping animals was long enough. The receptionist is sitting behind her desk, shooting glances at the dog every few seconds. Blonde guy is sitting in his chair, inscrutable as ever behind his shades, still tap-tap-tapping away. The dog hasn’t moved.

Things stay pretty much like that for the next ten minutes, until the dog suddenly explodes upward, faces the wall and starts growling. I kid you not, little sparks of green electricity were shooting from the thing. Blonde guy doesn’t even look over, just sets his hand on the thing’s head and starts muttering to it.

“They cuttin’ into her?” He says. The dog lets out a short bwf noise. “Welp. Told you, she’s a skinny one. Just don’t go pulling your overprotective teleport-spam bullshit, and she’ll be fine.”

Yeah, the guy was totally talking to the dog. Even weirder part was, the dog looked back at him, growled a little bit, then settled back down. Dog’s ears twitched occasionally, but other than that, it didn’t move. Blonde guy went back to tapping on his chair, getting both hands into the mix this time. About twenty minutes later, a nurse comes in.

“Mister Strider?” she calls out, and the blonde guy looks up.

“Sup?”

His face is totally nonchalant, but he’s stopped tapping again, and one of his hands is clutching the arm of the chair so hard, his knuckles are white. The dog is looking at the nurse too. The receptionist is eavesdropping, pretending to stare at her computer’s screen, but I can see the screensaver reflected in her glasses.

The nurse smiles. “She’s ready to see you now. Congratulations sir, you’re a father!”

The guy’s hand unclenches from the chair, and his shoulders relax slightly. “Awesome.” He stands up. “Lead the way. C’mon, devilbeast.” He starts walking over to the nurse, and the dog follows.

“Hey,” I say, finally speaking up, “I thought you said that wasn’t your dog?”

He turns to me, and gives me a tiny smirk. “He’s not. He’s my wife’s.”

Notes

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I make no apologies for my awful Dave-voice in this. My excuse that he's learned diplomacy with age. Also, I guess you can just assume this is a Sburb-less AU, for Bec to still be alive and empowered after the kids grow up? I dunno. Doesn't much matter anyway, this was just fun to write.

i love you

[The Cool]

@PingZing

i dont know how but

i thought that was Bro until the very end

[PingZing]

Commentsssss

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Page 45:
Jim - I love all the goofiness the object duality inspires here. Not much else to say.

Page 46:
RogerMexico - Is that some more Reset? Fantastic! And Eridan-exposit--oh nooooo Feferi
What an unfortunate oversight for the kids to make. You'd think they would've picked up on that.

lantadyme - There you go, being awesome again. Red Rose having a non-adversarial relationship with Bro is very...pleasant.

Jim Again - OH SHIIII I really guess I should have seen this coming, but I was still totally surprised by this. Sleuth going to sleep with Snowman beating the crap of Crowbar to lull him to sleep was genius.

wilySubversionist - Just gonna condense all my Shadow Over Tacoma feedback here; holy shit, that's pretty metal. I love how Rose is so blasè about the whole thing. "What? We knew you'd join a cult someday."
Is it bad that when John turned around to go save the band, instead of imagining heavy metal, I imagined Showtime?

SkaianRedeemer - Oh my god, this is so perfectly corny and over-the-top. I love it.

Rebbe Re: Swimming With Sharks -- Oh man, this is good. Terezi's wacky synesthesia is a reason I've avoided writing her thus far, but you nailed it. The idea of a cold rendering her blind(er) is totally brilliant, as are her reactions.
Re: Mediate -- There was no part of this that was not funny. The Rose and Kanaya peanut gallery was amazing and perfect.

Page 50:
Jim welp. now that you're covering troll ancestors, I'm out of a job.
(I kid, but this was excellent)

Page 51:
Rebbe - Augh, Nepeta/Equius bein' moirails never fails to be adorable and sort of sad at the same time, and you got it just right.

SilverKunama - brb, buying all the insulin, gonna need it. Loved the little "awkward Eridan" touches.

Page 52:
Jim - Oh, well played Regalsea. And yeah, Allmight was a little moodswingy, but so is Equius, so it felt about right.

Red Pen - What? Red Pen wrote something and it's amazing? This is my shocked face.
You managed to write stoned Gamzee, and actually make me feel sorry for him and want him to get sober again. This is incredible, and you are incredible.

Whew! I think I'm caught up with comments now.


Responses!

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I'm very glad that stuck with with you, Ping. I can only imagine the amount of time and trust needed for anyone to calm down Bec when he's in overprotective dog-dad mode.

Yeah. I figure if anybody could do that, it'd be an older Dave. Also, I'm going to have to find an excuse to use the phrase dog-dad now, because that's awesome.

@ PingZing: That was great too. Personally, I thought your Dave voice was spot on, and this was all pretty adorable. I love the idea of Bec as an anxious grandpa waiting with Dave in the waiting room. xD

Thanks! And now I'm imagining Bec with a long grandpa-beard. What have you done.

Heee, that was fantastic! Love the premise and the use of a nameless third party for the POV.

Thanks! And yeah, if I'd written it from any other PoV, it'd be a completely different monster. Which was only something I realized after I wrote it--it was by no means an intentional, conscious decision. Hooray for happy accidents!

i love you

@PingZing

i dont know how but

i thought that was Bro until the very end

I did leave it sort of intentionally vague, I can see how you might think that.

[Rimbaum]

PingZing. OH GOD. PINGZING. ILU

That was such an adorable fic.

[Rebbe]

Commentsssss

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Rebbe Re: Swimming With Sharks -- Oh man, this is good. Terezi's wacky synesthesia is a reason I've avoided writing her thus far, but you nailed it. The idea of a cold rendering her blind(er) is totally brilliant, as are her reactions.

Re: Mediate -- There was no part of this that was not funny. The Rose and Kanaya peanut gallery was amazing and perfect.

Rebbe - Augh, Nepeta/Equius bein' moirails never fails to be adorable and sort of sad at the same time, and you got it just right.

Wehhh!! Thank you very much (: ngl trying to describe things how Terezi would see them is a lot of fun for me and probably the reason I seem to write her the most, so I am very glad that that comes across well! And I am very very glad that Mediate is funny, since humour is not my strong point! And characterizing the meowrails is always an interesting challenge for me, so I am glad that was cute and enjoyable (:

[Jim Groovester]

Finally stopped procrastinating by writing ancestor politics.

The Sapphire of Alternia, Part 24

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“That’s not what I think it is, is it?” Maillady says, holding her hand to her chest.

“Here.” Sleuth says, thrusting the scepter at Maillady. “Hold it if you can’t believe it.”

She takes a step backwards. “Oh, no. I’m not touching that ever. I don’t want to accidentally destroy the city because I wondered what it would be like to be a giant.”

Sleuth turns his thoughts to shrinking it down. It responds easily to commands, and shortens to its necklace form. He leans on his desk and holds it in his palm. “What the hell am I going to do with this?” Sleuth asks himself.

The door to his office opens. Transportation Deferrer steps inside. “Hey, Sleuth. I’ve got ba-” Her eyes quickly scan the room and then settle on Persevering Maillady. They narrow to a glare. “You.”

“Hi.” Maillady says with an insincere smile and a glare.

Deferrer returns it.

Just what Sleuth needs right now. “You’ve got what?” Sleuth asks.

“Just some bad news...” She trails off. Deferrer’s eyes focus on the necklace sitting in Sleuth’s hand. “Oh, Sleuth, I knew you had a thing for me, but you didn’t have to find the Sapphire of Alternia!”

Sleuth raises a brow, a mischievous smile spreading across his lips. “Well, I was gonna wait to give it to you, but you’re here now. Here, catch.” He tosses the necklace towards Deferrer.

Deferrer catches it with both hands. She stiffens up and her eyes widen. With a shout she throws it wildly away.

It bounces off of Maillady’s shirt and she scrambles to grab it. “What are you throwing it at me for?” She says and tosses it wildly back.

“Well, I don’t want it.” Deferrer says, tossing it back. Maillady steps aside, and it lands on the floor.

“Hey,” Sleuth says with a grin. He stands up out of his chair and steps around Maillady. “Be careful with that thing. That’s the Sapphire of Alternia.” He scoops it up with his hand.

“The hell it is!” Deferrer shouts with her hands on her hips. “Maybe you oughtta give a girl some warning when you toss the White King’s Scepter at her!” She says with an angry glare.

“I thought you wanted it.” Sleuth says with a smirk.

Deferrer glares. “That’s not funny, Sleuth.”

Sleuth smiles.

Deferrer crosses her arms. “So that’s the big secret. That’s why everybody’s trying to find you. That’s why you’ve been getting into so much trouble.”

Sleuth nods.

“I never thought I’d see that again.” Deferrer says. “I’m glad it’s that... small. I’m still terrified of it.”

“I’m scared of it too.” Maillady says.

Deferrer shoots an offended look at her. “Are you scared of it for the same reasons I am?”

“What?” Maillady asks as she looks at Deferrer. Then she realizes exactly what Deferrer’s talking about. “Oh, no. It’s just so powerful.”

Sleuth looks at Deferrer. “You only have to worry about who’s holding it now and not what side they’re on.”

Deferrer shakes her head. “That’s the way it’s always been.” Deferrer says under her breath.

“What’s it even doing here?” Maillady asks.

“I found it.” Sleuth says.

“No, on the planet.” Maillady clarifies. “I thought the Black King would have taken it way back when. Why is it here?”

“The Black King did take it.”

“So why is it-”

“He lost it after he got hold of it.”

“How?” Maillady asks rapidfire.

“Maybe if you’d give me a chance to talk I’d tell you.”

“Oh.” Maillady says. “Sorry.”

Sleuth takes a breath. “It was when Wallstreet Keynoter was surrendering. He handed his scepter over to the Black King. Those kids tried to grab it before he started the Reckoning, but they were too late. They still managed to take it from him somehow, but the Black King transformed and put a stop to that. They got away, but he swatted the girl trying to fly away with it. She got knocked away. The White King’s Scepter got knocked away even further.” Sleuth finishes. “That’s the last I ever saw of it. Whatever happened to it afterward is something probably only Wealthy Quantifier knows.” Sleuth turns it over in his hands a few times, lost in thought.

“You were there at the end?” Deferrer asks.

Sleuth nods. “The beginning too. Like a good Prospit Soldier.”

“Really?” Defferer asks. “You saw the whole thing?”

“Not really. I was there through the whole thing and I saw the most action of any Prospitian I ever met, barring Wallstreet Keynoter of course, but I wouldn’t say I saw the whole thing. Go ask Spades Slick about what he did while all the fighting was going on. His story’s a lot more interesting. And the way I understand, a lot more important.”

“But I don’t want to hear his story and I haven’t heard yours.”

“Oh, I have.” Maillady interrupts. “It’s a real sob story about how he lived in a sparkling paradisiacal golden city for a very long time and made lots of friends and then he was thrust into battle for no good reason and all these friends he made started dying but everybody was happy about it because it was for the King and Queen! And for Skaia!” Maillady holds her fist high with dramatic flair. “And how he got really cynical almost immediately after and that’s how he became such a good soldier.”

Sleuth has an amused smirk on his face. “That’s basically it.” Sleuth leans forward. “Let me tell ya, if I were telling it you’d be tearing up right now, ready to hold me for hours while I put on the waterworks.”

Deferrer looks unimpressed. “That actually worked?”

Sleuth stuffs a cigarette in his mouth. “’Course it did.” He says confidently.

“Not on me it didn’t.” Maillady interjects.

Sleuth stares on, ignoring the comment. “This is me we’re talking about.”

Deferrer sits down. “You don’t seem like the crying type.”

“This was before I became,” Sleuth lowers his head and raises a lighter to the cigarette. His face glows red as he puffs on it, sending smoke upward. He looks at Deferrer from beneath the brim of his hat. “Hardboiled.”

Sleuth holds his stare. Deferrer raises a brow before she shifts in her seat and crosses her legs. “Now that I know your tricks they seem a lot less impressive.”

Sleuth smirks. “Sure.” He says coolly.

“So how do you have the Sapphire of Alternia?” Maillady asks. “Now, I mean.”

“Last night some men hired by Wallstreet Keynoter handed it to me. They stole it from Wealthy Quantifier in the first place, killing that courier in the paper a couple days ago in the process.” Sleuth explains. “I’m supposed to give it back to him.”

“I thought you were looking for it for Wealthy Quantifier.”

“I was.” Sleuth says. “And I was about ready to give it to her. But it’ll be less of a headache to give it to Wallstreet Keynoter.”

“You can’t be serious.” Deferrer says.

“Why not? It’s his.” Sleuth says. “It’s the White King’s Scepter, and he used to be the White King. I’d be returning property to its original owner.”

Deferrer stands up and slams her hands on the table. “It’s a weapon, Sleuth. And a damned destructive one at that.” She shouts. “What does he even want with it anyway?”

Sleuth tosses the Sapphire of Alternia around in his hands. “He says he wants to get rid of the Felt and the Midnight Crew.”

“And how the hell is he going to do that without destroying the city in the process?” Deferrer asks.

Maillady walks around Sleuth’s desk to stand by Deferrer. “She’s right, Sleuth. You can’t give it back to Wallstreet Keynoter.” Maillady says. “You should return it to Wealthy Quantifier.”

Sleuth really didn’t need any convincing. The moment he knew what the Sapphire of Alternia was he knew he couldn’t give it to Wallstreet Keynoter. His Scepter is a devastating weapon. Normally Sleuth wouldn’t have a problem with that sort of thing; he carries several vicious arms himself. The problem is that it’s so imprecise. It’s so powerful. It’s so visible. Sleuth doesn’t want to live in a city where at a whim one man on a personal crusade can turn into a skyscraper and indiscriminately level anything in his way.

The White King’s Scepter is a weapon of war. It’s not wartime anymore, and the war the White King’s Scepter was meant to be wielded is long past.

“I know.” Sleuth responds. “But I can’t return a necklace to a dame if she doesn’t ever answer her phone.”

“Just hold onto it then.” Deferrer says.

“Are you kidding?” Sleuth asks. “I’m a dead man walking. I don’t want this thing any more than either of you do.”

"Well, maybe there's something she wants you to do."

"She has a hell of a way of showing it."

Maillday looks up into her head. She moves around the desk and starts sorting through her bag. She pulls out a manila envelope and hands it to Sleuth. “I think this is for you. I was wondering what it was and who it was for but now I think it makes sense.”

Sleuth takes the envelope. It’s unmarked, and there’s something bulky inside. He tears open the end and dumps the contents on the desk.

==>

It’s the Sapphire of Alternia.

Or more accurately, its fake.

Sleuth picks the fake up with his other hand. They’re almost identical, and to a casual, and maybe even a knowledgeable observer, they’re indistinguishable. One’s got power and subtle movement, the other feels dead and unenergetic in comparison.

“There’s something else.” Maillady is holding back a smile for some reason.

Sleuth upends the envelope again. A tube of lipstick falls out. He puts one of the necklaces down and picks it up, examining it closely. He puzzles over it. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

Maillady bursts out laughing. “You put it on your lips, Sleuth.” Maillady says.

“Yeah, Sleuth. Put some red on those lips of yours. It’s what Wealthy Quantifier wants!” Deferrer chuckles.

“It’s just your color! You’ll look great.”

Sleuth glares at the two women. He wished he hadn’t asked that question because the answer came to him just after.

==>

Well, it'll make a good present for Hysterical Dame. It’s a bit different than what she’s used to but she’ll like it all the same.

But you can't give it to her just yet. You've got to use it first.

No wait. That came out wrong. You’re not going to smear lipstick on your face. That’s stupid. The only makeup you need is black eyes. No, dammit, that’s still not coming out right.

You know what? Just forget about it.

Sleuth sighs. “I think I’m gonna shoot myself.”

The laughing stops. “Huh? Why?” Maillady asks.

“Because Wealthy Quantifier is going to make me jump through hoops to return the Sapphire of Alternia to her. Here, I have its fake.” Sleuth holds the fake in his left hand. “Here, I have the means to destroy the original.” He holds the tube of lipstick in his right hand. “It’s clear what she wants me to do.”

Maillady and Deferrer stare at him. “So you’re going to do it, right?” Maillady asks.

Sleuth slumps in his chair and sighs. “Yeah.”

The two women smile at each other like they were in league to convince him. They may as well have been.

“I can’t do it alone. I need help.” Sleuth says.

“What do you need from us?” Deferrer asks.

Problem Sleuth stands up. He grabs the Sapphire of Alternia and stands in front of Persevering Maillady. He signals for her to turn around.

“What are you doing, Sleuth?” She asks. “No, no, I don’t want it. I told you that.”

“You’re not going to destroy anything or turn into a giant unless you really want to. Now,” Sleuth says gently. “Turn around.”

Maillady turns around and whimpers. Sleuth pulls two of its pearls apart and slips it on Maillady’s neck. She shudders as the necklace comes to rest. Maillady turns around and looks worriedly at Sleuth.

“Don’t let anyone see that. Which means,” Sleuth points a finger at the exposed carapace of her chest. “Today, your buttons go to the top.” Sleuth smirks.

Maillady embarrassedly buttons up.

“I don’t know how long you’ll have to hold onto it. You think you can keep it, and yourself, safe for a few days?”

Maillady nervously nods.

Problem Sleuth grabs the fake and stands in front of Transportation Deferrer. He signals for her to turn around.

“So, what? I’m not good enough for the real one?”

Sleuth unfastens the thin chain holding the fake together and strings it around her neck. He secures it and lets it hang. “Not it at all, Deferrer.”

She turns around. “Then what is it?”

Sleuth stares at her chest. “Same deal with you.” He says. “You show too much cleavage anyway.”

Deferrer glares as she buttons up.

“You’re gonna be driving me all over the place today. It’s too risky to have the real Sapphire with me. I need it somewhere far away and safe.”

“So what? I don’t get to come with you today?” Maillady protests.

"No, sorry." Sleuth smiles. “Seems like you’ve both got things to be jealous about. I guess that means I’ve been fair.”

Maillady crosses her arms and Deferrer rolls her eyes.

“Look, I know I’m trusting both of you with a lot. But I need help now and you two are right here and if I didn’t think you could do it I wouldn’t be asking.” Sleuth says. “And I told you to keep away from me for a few days, but since you didn’t do that I guess you don’t really want to be safe, huh?”

“Not really.” Deferrer says.

“No.” Maillady says.

“Just stay away from any vicious gangsters today. Or kill them.” Sleuth says. "Everybody know what I need from you?"

The two women nod.

"Good." He starts walking to the door.

Problem Sleuth: Remember bad news.

Sleuth pulls the door halfway open. “What was the bad news?” He asks.

“Oh, that.” Deferrer says. “Your apartment was firebombed.”

Sleuth stares at the wall for a moment. He sighs. Another problem for another day. “Nothing I can do about that right now.” He pulls open the door and walks through. “Come on, let’s go.”

Deferrer and Maillady follow him out. “If you need a place to stay...” They both say as they walk down the stairs. They stop and glare at each other.

“Trollop.”

“Hussy.”

“You just keep your hands off him.”

“And what are you gonna do about it? Take a detour from your mail route and make me pay?”

“You bet I will. You’ve had it coming for a while now.”

“I’d love to see you try.”

“Nobody messes with the mail in this town. Ya wanna find out why?”

“Ya have to catch me first.”

“Ain’t so fast out of your cab. Ain’t so tough either.”

“Knock it off.” Problem Sleuth shouts to the arguing women behind him. “You can kill each other when you’re done helping me.”

There’s a moment where they don’t say anything. It only lasts a moment though.

“Way to bring Sleuth into this.”

“I did not! That was all you!”

Problem Sleuth walks outside and looks around. He sees a blue top hat on the same roof it’s always been with a vomit green cockroach sitting underneath it. Don’t they ever try anything different? Creativity probably isn’t their biggest problem though. “Deferrer, get the car ready. There’s something I need to take care of.”

Transportation Deferrer gives Persevering Maillady a sideways glance as Sleuth jogs across the street. He climbs the fire escape and exits onto the roof.

Doze comes to, and just in time. He turns around slowly. “I’m ready for you this time, Problem Sleuth.” He says with just enough slowness to be noticeable. “I’m not letting you break my radio.”

Sleuth shoves his hands in his coat. “Who said anything about breaking your radio?”

“Huh?” Doze asks. “That’s what you did the last time you climbed up here.”

“But why would I do the same thing twice?” Sleuth asks. “You’d expect it.”

“Uh.” The question stumps Doze. “Just stop right there.” He reaches for his gun.

Sleuth walks the distance between them before Doze has his hand on the grip. “You have a terrible quick draw.”

“Hey, I’m a little slow.” Doze says, his gun slowly pointing at Sleuth. “You don’t have to rub it in.”

Sleuth takes the cigarette out of his mouth. “I’m tired of you spying on my office.”

“That’s too bad.”

“So’s this.” Sleuth pushes Doze over the edge of the roof. A second later there’s a thud on the ground and frightened screams from the sidewalk. Sleuth flicks his cigarette over the edge.

==>

You’ve wanted to do that for a while now. Damn, that felt good.

Poor Doze didn’t even have time to scream. Well, more like he didn’t realize he was falling until he hit the ground.

He climbs down the fire escape and walks across the street, not bothering to look at Doze. Maillady’s standing on the sidewalk while Deferrer leans against her running cab. Deferrer’s got a small grin on her face and Maillady looks unsettled.

“You didn’t kill him, did you?” Maillady asks.

“It’s only three stories.” Sleuth says, stepping onto the curb and walking to Maillady. “He’ll be fine if he didn’t fall on his head.”

“Was that really necessary, Sleuth?”

“Yes.” Sleuth says. “Now go. Make your mail runs quick on a route you don’t usually take and then hide out somewhere for the rest of the day. With any luck the Felt won’t follow you.” Sleuth starts looking around for anything that looks a little too dark in the morning sunlight.

“Is that who you’re worried about?” Maillady asks. “The Felt?”

Sleuth doesn’t find anything. “Well, the Midnight Crew might try to follow you. If their cars aren’t still broken. They can fix them fast, but I don’t think they can fix them that fast.”

“I’m not sure leaving me with it is such a good idea.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.” Sleuth says. Not that he completely believes what he’s saying.

“Alright.” Maillady finally says. “Stay safe, Sleuth.”

Sleuth nods.

Maillady turns and walks away, her letter opener gripped tightly in her hand. Sleuth pulls open the back door to Deferrer’s cab and gets inside.

Deferrer enters the driver’s seat, buckles herself up, and steps on it. Sleuth is pushed back into the seat from the acceleration. “You’re putting a lot on her shoulders, Sleuth. Are you sure she can handle it?”

“What do you care?” Sleuth says as he watches buildings pass by. “She's just competition to you anyway.”

Deferrer's shoulders rise and fall as she takes a breath. “I wouldn't want her dead just because she did what you told her to.”

Sleuth looks out the window for a moment. He's worried about the exact same thing. But the Midnight Crew and the Felt should be more interested in Sleuth and Dick and Inspector than Deferrer and Maillady. And if they know what’s good for them they won’t mess with the mail. “She’ll be fine.” Sleuth says. Still, there’s a lot that can go wrong.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Deferrer says. She looks at Sleuth in the rearview mirror. “Where are we going, Sleuth? I knew when I woke up today I’d be driving you all over town. I stopped at your apartment, and well, you already know what happened there.”

“Who did it?” Sleuth asks.

“I don’t know.”

“So it was the Midnight Crew.” Sleuth says more than asks. If the Felt were in a searching mood they probably wouldn’t burn down Sleuth’s apartment.

“Probably.” Deferrer says. “Your cop friend was there. He wants to talk to you.”

“What about?”

“He said he doesn’t really care what you’re getting into or whether it gets you killed but if you start blowing up his city in the process it’s his business.”

Sleuth doesn’t say anything. Anarchy Repressor won’t be a problem, it’s Diamonds Droog’s pet detective that’ll give Sleuth trouble.

“He also wants to know if you’re ever gonna solve that murder or if he should just throw your ass in the slammer for it anyway.”

Huh. It looks like he will be a problem then.

“He also wants your mailwoman’s number.”

Sleuth looks forward. “What’d you tell him?”

“That I’d find it out for him myself and give it to him.” Deferrer says with a satisfied grin.

Sleuth raises a brow. “So you gave him your phone number?”

“Yeah, why?” Deferrer looks in the rearview mirror. Then it hits her. “Oh. How often does he call?”

“From what I hear, every night. And late, since he’s married to his job.”

Deferrer grips the steering wheel tightly and frowns. “Dammit.”

“You could always give him Maillady’s number.” Sleuth says. “But you’ll have to get it from her. I ain’t telling.”

Deferrer glares through the mirror. “That’s not fair, Sleuth.”

Sleuth throws up his hands in defense. “This isn’t my problem. I had nothing to do with it.” He says. “Besides, he’s a nice guy. Don’t be so quick to shoot him down.”

“But- He’s-” Deferrer groans and sighs. “Just tell me where we’re going.”

“English Performance Hall.”

Deferrer looks through the mirror with her brows furrowed together. “Sleuth, if you’re looking to commit suicide, give me a heads up so I can drop you off a mile away.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll make it out of there.” Sleuth says. “Alive, at the very least.” He adds on quickly.

“I thought we’d be driving away from all the trouble you’ve been getting into, not heading straight towards it.”

Sleuth looks into the mirror. “You’re basically working for Wealthy Quantifier now, with how you’re helping me. Sending everyone straight into trouble is how she works.” Sleuth says. “It’s part of what I have to do for her.”

She looks back expectantly. “And that is?”

“She wants me to make a show of destroying the Sapphire.” Sleuth explains. “I need an audience. That’s what we’re going to get.”

Deferrer looks forward. “I’m starting to regret this decision.”

Sleuth huffs amusedly. “Welcome to my life for the past three days.”

Deferrer starts aggressively tearing through traffic, headed downtown.

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Naturally, the first thing I do after revealing what the SoA is is play hot potato with it. I didn't want to keep this scene too serious, because I would be rolling my eyes if I had to read three people treating the SoA like it was the Holy Artifact of Holiest Holies. Mostly, though, I thought it would be funny.

The reason I didn't have AD and PI open the lockbox up with PS a few parts ago is because I wanted TD and PM in the room instead. I needed them to give PS the resolve to do the right thing with the SoA, which is something I don't think would work as well if it were AD and PI.

It astounds me how long this thing is getting. I think it'll end up being thirty parts, but don't quote me on that.

Comments:

@battlerek: That was some pretty good action. It got a little messy as they were fighting the ogre though, but still pretty cool overall.

@Red Pen: SiCk was pretty... sick. You managed to make me root for Gamzee even though he's a psychopath murderer. Well done.

@PingZing: This was great. Normal people wracking their brains trying to figure out a defiant omnipotent dog. A great look at Becquerel, too.

Responses:
@battlerek: You got it, man. Not stopping was definitely the plan.
@Path: Thanks.
@PingZing: Quadruple thanks for all that.

[Adoxographist]

First time writing fanfiction actually, so it might not be that good and I don't really have a title hahaha.
Umm, it's from the point of view of Gamzee's lusus.

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You were always a pretty chill motherfucker. Never really got all up and bothered about much. Nah. Not a motherfucking care in the world. At least, that was how it was till that little motherfucker dropped out the sky and into your life.

Fucking cutest little grub ever. You named him Gamzee, ‘cause it just felt right, you know.

It was a real surprise, a miracle even. You always knew the drones would be stopping by with one of these fuckers, but you never expected having a motherfucking highblood laid down on you. Man, you always thought those guys were for the scary as shit brothers. Dudes who would really get a handle on them, like Serket. After all, those highbloods were always up and getting some motherfucking mad stabs. Really messed with your mellow.

But hell if this little fucker didn’t make all your worries fade away. You would just chill on the beach with the dude on your head, just checking out that Alternian moon, all floating in the sky like some sort of balloon, its light reflecting off the waves like a sweet ass miracle. Life was chill as fuck. Maxing and relaxing, bronnecting under the moonlight.

When your young brother went and shed his larval carapace, man what a proud motherfucker you were. Watching him run around on those sick new legs of his. Man he was shaping up to be a motherfucking sweet troll. Yeah, sure you saw him less, being stuck in the ocean and shit like that, but whatever, you believed in the little guy. Motherfucker could watch his own back at this point, right? You should have known this would be the start to all your fucking problems.

You remember that day. The day he came up in front of you, covered in a fucking… rainbow. He showed you the head, like it was the easiest thing. And that look on his face…

You couldn’t handle it, seeing your Gamzee like that. And what did you do? The only shit you could think to do. You fed him the sopor. He was too young to know what the stuff would do to his thinkpan, so he ate it right up. Trusting motherfucker.

And you… you were a righteous bastard.

Could you look at the little dude in his spaced out eyes knowing all this was because of you? You couldn’t be bothered to teach him. You had to get the kid motherfucking stoned to stop him. What kind of lusus were you even? The motherfucker didn’t need you, you would just damage him even more.

So you left him. Told him to stay out of the motherfucking ocean. He watched you as you disappeared under the water, you doubt the little bro even knew what was happening. Never stopped by to see the motherfucker since then, but you never stopped thinking about him.

Still, on your deathbed, you could at least check in on your little dude at least once after all these sweeps. Despite the pain of the harpoon in your side you hauled yourself over to that familiar beach, only to find him waiting there.

Hey Gamzee, look how motherfucking big you got. I thought I told you to stay away from the fucking ocean bro. Nah, it’s cool brother. You don’t gotta cry like that. You’re gonna make me shed a motherfucking tear over here.

Gamzee. Come on Gamzee.

Come on my grub brother.





I’m sorry.

[SkaianRedeemer]

Haven't actually got around to writing 15ii, but if it makes anyone feel better, it's because I was distracted by 16. Progress is progress, right?

@PingZing: Hah, thanks for that!

@Adoxographist: I've often wondered about Gamzee's lusus, it's good to see a take on him! Never considered that he might have outright left, though.

[battlerek]

Comment Dump commencing:

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@Red Pen- The fact that you made Gamzee sympathetic without making him less terrifying makes this fic even better than it already is. In fact I think it actually makes him scarier.

@Septimus- Wow, this is getting even better. I'm surprised by Terezi wanting to lagislacerate Nepeta, and I find Eridan being more successful with his relationships to be hilarious. It's amusing how in aus where he doesn't fuck up Eridan ends up getting some Dave-like qualities. I'm really curious as to how Scratch is connected with all this, so hoping the next chapter comes out soon.

@PingZing- That was hilarious. And yes, dogdad should be a word.

@Jim-Thanks. The ogre fight was a lot more streamlined when I first thought of it, but seperating the kids' roles in the fights in separate paragraphs without making the timeline of the fight clearer seems in retrospect to be a mistake.

“This was before I became,” Sleuth lowers his head and raises a lighter to the cigarette. His face glows red as he puffs on it, sending smoke upward. He looks at Deferrer from beneath the brim of his hat. “Hardboiled.”

Oh god, I couldn't stop laughing. Another good chapter. Can't wait to see how LL and WK are going to react.

@Adoxographist- And now I feel depressed.

[anonymousComrade]

Okay so

I basically wrote this thing just to see if I could

It is not the best thing I've ever written (oh man is that ever an understatement) but here goes

Man Overboard

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The last thing he said to her, she tells me between sobs, was "I've always pitied you." Sounds like something he'd say, an asshole to the end, but I couldn't say that, not while she's like this. There's a fine line between being a dick because it's funny and just straight-up being a dick, and this isn't the time to cross it.

I admit, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing and it's starting to show. We're all a little fucking shocked here, but nobody took it as hard as she did. Well fuck, what am I saying, of course she's taking it hard, the guy was her fucking matesprit or whatever the hell they call it when two people want to buy a house with a picket fence and have 2.5 kids.

She's shaking and crying and I don't know what to say. What the hell can I say? Nobody prepares you for this kind of shit growing up. Nobody ever told me in school, "okay, if you're ever trying to calm down a distraught girl from another universe in the event of her boyfriend sacrificing himself to save her and her friends while playing a game with cosmic fucking implications then here's what you do" and if they did, I was sick that day because fuck if I remember that particular lecture.

Just when I think I couldn't possibly be more clueless about this, she just throws herself at me, face buried in my chest and arms around my back, a sobbing mess. It's a fucking sea of emotion and I'm just a man overboard, desperately looking for anything I can find to cling to and keep the both of us afloat because goddamn, I can't stand seeing her like this.

And then it hits me. For all her cagey bullshit and how tough she makes herself out to be, the truth is this: Terezi Pyrope is just a kid, caught up in this fucking game, going through shit I wouldn't wish on anyone, having to grow up too fast because it's the end of the goddamn world.

Fuck, none of us asked for this. Aren't we all just kids having to deal with shit getting real? Aren't we all?

I hold her closer to me and try to think of something, anything I can say to make this better. I tell her everything's going to be okay and I don't dare to think she buys it for a second. She is not interested. I am a telemarketer interrupting her favorite TV show and she's hanging up on me before I can even get to my sales pitch.

I must have done something right because she does eventually stop crying. She pulls away from me and looks up at my face. Light teal streaks stain my shirt and I don't even care.

"Thanks, I... I needed that."

Least I could do for my best alien friend, I assure her. There's a bit of an awkward silence for a moment before she speaks up.

"Dave, I..."

Maybe... maybe I can just sort of lean over and... no, I can't. It's not right, that's taking advantage and that's all kinds of against the Strider code. That shit's war crimes and Geneva Convention violations in my book. I'll be honest, I want to, more than anything. I want to see her fucking smile again, I hate that she's miserable and, just... no, now's not the fucking time.

I change the subject and ask her if she wants a bite to eat, because I'm damned starving. "I can get it myself, Dave, I'm a big girl!" she says as she gives me a halfhearted shove. That's sort of a good sign, right? She's trying to joke around at least, she's trying to show me she doesn't need my help to get through this.

The way she clings to my arm as we walk down the hall says otherwise, but that's okay. Recovery takes a while, and I'll be there for her, as long as it takes.

Notes:

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WHAT

THE FUCK

AM I EVEN DOING

Dave's internal voice doesn't sound right to me, the circumstances of this situation are nebulous at best, I don't think Terezi's really in character at all here

Oh and there's the whole thing of me writing Dave/Terezi I mean seriously WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

Also did you catch the double meaning of the title? I'm writing counter to my ship ahaha did you see what I did there man I'm so witty

But yeah, basically this was a challenge that I issued to myself. I just wanted to see if I could write a Dave/Terezi story that works. Did I succeed? (hint: probably not)

[billybobfred]

A Sweep Without Vriska

Chapter 2:

Wheee, an update for this fic that I like! :D

Dog Almighty

And a Bec story! :D

this is the best day ever! :D

[Roserade]

Small comment dump-ish thing wooo

@Red Pen; i can't even form a proper sentence to express just how much i loved this fic so let me just mash my keyboard for a bit
aslkdfasdlgfsdgsdfasdfg

@PingZing; Oh gosh, that was great. Dave just letting them try to deal with Bec to mess with them is all sorts of hilarious.

@Adoxographist; b'aawwww
You did an awesome job with this and oh gosh it is so sad
my heart hurts ; ;

[SkaianRedeemer]

@Jim: Finally caught up, did not disappoint! Also, I'm glad to see that someone finally added it to the Great Time Sink's auspicious rec list, just in case it needed recent developments to "count" for a Homestuck page. I was about to recommend the same.

[draconicAlgorithm]

Okay so

I basically wrote this thing just to see if I could

It is not the best thing I've ever written (oh man is that ever an understatement) but here goes

Man Overboard

show spoiler

hide spoiler

The last thing he said to her, she tells me between sobs, was "I've always pitied you." Sounds like something he'd say, an asshole to the end, but I couldn't say that, not while she's like this. There's a fine line between being a dick because it's funny and just straight-up being a dick, and this isn't the time to cross it.

I admit, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing and it's starting to show. We're all a little fucking shocked here, but nobody took it as hard as she did. Well fuck, what am I saying, of course she's taking it hard, the guy was her fucking matesprit or whatever the hell they call it when two people want to buy a house with a picket fence and have 2.5 kids.

She's shaking and crying and I don't know what to say. What the hell can I say? Nobody prepares you for this kind of shit growing up. Nobody ever told me in school, "okay, if you're ever trying to calm down a distraught girl from another universe in the event of her boyfriend sacrificing himself to save her and her friends while playing a game with cosmic fucking implications then here's what you do" and if they did, I was sick that day because fuck if I remember that particular lecture.

Just when I think I couldn't possibly be more clueless about this, she just throws herself at me, face buried in my chest and arms around my back, a sobbing mess. It's a fucking sea of emotion and I'm just a man overboard, desperately looking for anything I can find to cling to and keep the both of us afloat because goddamn, I can't stand seeing her like this.

And then it hits me. For all her cagey bullshit and how tough she makes herself out to be, the truth is this: Terezi Pyrope is just a kid, caught up in this fucking game, going through shit I wouldn't wish on anyone, having to grow up too fast because it's the end of the goddamn world.

Fuck, none of us asked for this. Aren't we all just kids having to deal with shit getting real? Aren't we all?

I hold her closer to me and try to think of something, anything I can say to make this better. I tell her everything's going to be okay and I don't dare to think she buys it for a second. She is not interested. I am a telemarketer interrupting her favorite TV show and she's hanging up on me before I can even get to my sales pitch.

I must have done something right because she does eventually stop crying. She pulls away from me and looks up at my face. Light teal streaks stain my shirt and I don't even care.

"Thanks, I... I needed that."

Least I could do for my best alien friend, I assure her. There's a bit of an awkward silence for a moment before she speaks up.

"Dave, I..."

Maybe... maybe I can just sort of lean over and... no, I can't. It's not right, that's taking advantage and that's all kinds of against the Strider code. That shit's war crimes and Geneva Convention violations in my book. I'll be honest, I want to, more than anything. I want to see her fucking smile again, I hate that she's miserable and, just... no, now's not the fucking time.

I change the subject and ask her if she wants a bite to eat, because I'm damned starving. "I can get it myself, Dave, I'm a big girl!" she says as she gives me a halfhearted shove. That's sort of a good sign, right? She's trying to joke around at least, she's trying to show me she doesn't need my help to get through this.

The way she clings to my arm as we walk down the hall says otherwise, but that's okay. Recovery takes a while, and I'll be there for her, as long as it takes.

Notes:

show spoiler

hide spoiler

WHAT

THE FUCK

AM I EVEN DOING

Dave's internal voice doesn't sound right to me, the circumstances of this situation are nebulous at best, I don't think Terezi's really in character at all here

Oh and there's the whole thing of me writing Dave/Terezi I mean seriously WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

Also did you catch the double meaning of the title? I'm writing counter to my ship ahaha did you see what I did there man I'm so witty

But yeah, basically this was a challenge that I issued to myself. I just wanted to see if I could write a Dave/Terezi story that works. Did I succeed? (hint: probably not)

Sometimes I just want to punch you. Know why? Because pretty much everything I've ever read that you wrote was really great and yet you still rag on yourself about it. I don't even like Dave/Terezi that much, and this was still really, really good. I think you hit Dave right on the money--trying to act cool and collected and like he knows what he's doing even though Terezi is completely freaking out on him and Karkat just sacrificed his life to save them and he's pretty much freaking out, too. Sure, it's vague, but something like this doesn't really need to be explained. It's about the emotion, and that's what you made it about, and that's what's important.

So just saying that I really liked this.

[anonymousComrade]

In my defense it was like 6 in the morning when I posted it, so my state of mind probably wasn't the clearest

But rereading it now, I'm surprisingly okay with it

One day I swear I'll learn to stop hating everything I've ever done

[draconicAlgorithm]

Okay. I'll let it slide this time. (I know what you mean though, sometimes after you first finish writing something you go "AUGH IT SUCKS WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER" and then you go back and reread it later and it wasn't bad. xD)

[frolic]

Guys - I'm writing a Hanna is Not a Boy's Name/Homestuck crossover. I don't usually post my fics on the fora so they just kind of sit around in google docs or something, but I was considering putting it up here, if there's any interest?