INFICHESS

[Masterweaver]

(Inspired by four-player chess, why is it not updating whyyyyy....)

An ordinary game of chess. Or... is it?

Despite the crudely carved pieces, this board and its set are Fey-touched. And a fey-touched game is not bound by any rules save that that the fey themselves bind onto it. what will happen in this game? And will it have consequences beyond the board?

Either way... it's your move.

[AvzinElkein]

White King's pawn, Berolina move two squares northwest.

[TimeothyHour]

White: Castle, regardless of the fact that the required spaces are occupied.

[epoxy]

White Queen's Knight's Pawn (who is a rookie soldier): try to calm your pre-battle nerves by talking to White Queen's Bishop's Pawn (who is a grizzled veteran)

[Digamma]

Black Queen's Rook's Pawn, bust out the booze, you're in for a looooong fight.

[Masterweaver]

White King's pawn, Berolina move two squares northwest.

White: Castle, regardless of the fact that the required spaces are occupied.

It is not WHITE'S TURN, silly!

White Queen's Knight's Pawn (who is a rookie soldier): try to calm your pre-battle nerves by talking to White Queen's Bishop's Pawn (who is a grizzled veteran)

"So. This is just a game, right? I mean, we get captured and--"
"We die."
"...but--"
"Don't say anything. Just focus."

WHITE QUEEN'S KNIGHT PAWN HAS GAINED THE EFFECT EXISTENTIAL DREAD! IT CANNOT MOVE FOR THREE TURNS!
WHITE QUEEN'S BISHOP PAWN HAS GAINED THE TRAIT GRIZZLED VETAREN! IT CAN MOVE BOTH AS A NORMAL PAWN AND AS A BEROLINA PAWN!

Black Queen's Rook's Pawn, bust out the booze, you're in for a looooong fight.

The pawn takes a swig of Old Jeepjuice. He's a tough soldier, he can handle it.

BLACK QUEEN'S ROOK PAWN HAS GAINED THE EFFECT MILDLY BUZZED! FOR THE NEXT TEN TURNS, IT HAS A ONE IN EIGHT CHANCE OF MOVING LIKE A BEROLINA PAWN!
Black to move.

[TimeothyHour]

Back: Begin research "Nightriders"

Alternatively:

Black: Begin research "3d chess"

[AvzinElkein]

Black Queen's Bishop's Pawn: Try rallying your fellow pawns in an attempt to raise morale.

[crash826]

Black's Not-Pawns: Begin construction of a City on the battlefield, behind the back lines.

[epoxy]

Black Queen: Remark to Black King (with stabbing sarcasm) how lovely the battlefield is and how glad you are to be dragged out here, away from your kingdom. You are so lucky that your husband and monarch has a 14-year-old's obsession with war games.

Black King: Remark how "fortunate" you are to have such a loving and supportive wife who you brought to war because of her strategic prowess, not because you can't turn your back on her. You realized what a highly-mobile piece she is after noticing how easily she "gets around."

Black Queen's Bishop: Be shocked at this bickering between royals, and flustered by the sleek curvy shape of the black queen. Are these... lustful feelings? No! A man of the cloth must not entertain such thoughts!

[Reecer6]

White Right Castle: Upgrade to Modern House

[Varkarrus]

White Castle (on white's turn): Begin construction of a Bomber Jet.

[Masterweaver]

Back: Begin research "Nightriders"

Back begins researching Nightriders. However, as Back is currently not a piece on the board, this doesn't really effect anything.

Black: Begin research "3d chess"

The Black bishops begin research on FLIGHT.

BLACK QUEEN'S BISHOP HAS GAINED EFFECT BUSY! IT WILL BE UNABLE TO MOVE FOR AN UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME!
BLACK KING'S BISHOP HAS GAINED EFFECT BUSY! IT WILL BE UNABLE TO MOVE FOR AN UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME!

Black Queen's Bishop's Pawn: Try rallying your fellow pawns in an attempt to raise morale.

"Gentlemen, we are about to take the battle to our dreaded foe, the IVORY INCINERATORS. Not many of us will survive. Not many of us will be promoted. But I tell you this: All of us will be remembered. For today is the day we destroy those who have wounded us. Today is the day that we wreak vengeance on the monsters who burned our homes and killed our children. Today is OUR day! Let us ride for the dead! And let us ride so that we may make a new life! FOR THE FUTURE!"

BLACK QUEEN'S BISHOP PAWN HAS GAINED TRAIT FLAGBEARER! AS LONG AS THIS PIECE IS ALIVE, ALL BLACK PAWNS CAN MOVE TWO SPACES FORWARD AT WILL!

Black's Not-Pawns: Begin construction of a City on the battlefield, behind the back lines.

"Fellow Rook, is it not foolish that we go to war instead of rebuilding? While I do so hate the IVORY INCINERATORS, it is better to rebuild then to destroy. Shall we retreat from the battlefield and begin work on a grand new fortress for our kinsfolk?"
"Fellow Rook, I agree with your assessment. Let us not tarry but posthaste make such arrangements and abandon this battle quite willing. For before my consriptiong, I was a carpenter, and the art of crafting is my true passion."

QUEEN'S ROOK HAS GAINED TRAIT PEACE-LOVER! IT CAN NO LONGER CAPTURE ANY PIECE ON THE BOARD!
QUEEN'S ROOK HAS GAINED EFFECY BUSY! IT WILL BE UNABLE TO MOVE FOR AN UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME!
KING'S ROOK HAS GAINED TRAIT PEACE-LOVER! IT CAN NO LONGER CAPTURE ANY PIECE ON THE BOARD!
KING'S ROOK HAS GAINDE EFFECT BUSY! IT WILL BE UNABLT TO MOVE FOR AN UNKNOWN AMOUNT OF TIME!
Oh, and hey, there's BACK THE SINGER. He's BUSY, let's leave him alone for now.

Black Queen: Remark to Black King (with stabbing sarcasm) how lovely the battlefield is and how glad you are to be dragged out here, away from your kingdom. You are so lucky that your husband and monarch has a 14-year-old's obsession with war games.

"My dearest of loves, I cannot help but remark on your wisdom in bringing me to this little peccadillo. Indeed, the matters of kingdom affairs and taxes is not as important as simple revenge, and the fact that you trust me to combat these well-trained, strong, and chiseled opponents is nothing short of an amazing statement in your belief of my superiority and prowess with my current weaponry of quills and ink."

BLACK QUEEN HAS GAINED THE TRAIT UNWILLING! IT WILL NO LONGER CAPTURE OPPOSING PAWNS!

Black King: Remark how "fortunate" you are to have such a loving and supportive wife who you brought to war because of her strategic prowess, not because you can't turn your back on her. You realized what a highly-mobile piece she is after noticing how easily she "gets around."

"My beloved lady, I must accept your commentary humbly, as your wit and wisdom will surly propel you across the board as fast as the fleet footsteps of our mysterious spy whom we sadly did not catch and who managed to rip your robes three nights ago. And while I do so dislike reminding you of that matter, i must indicate that the object that was stolen is very precious to the kingdom, in fact almost as precious as you are to me, and as the thief could be anywhere I could not bear to leave you unprotected and away from my presence."

BLACK KING HAS GAINED TRAIT SUSPICIOUS! IT COULD TURN AGAINST THE BLACK QUEEN AT ANY MOMENT!

Black Queen's Bishop: Be shocked at this bickering between royals, and flustered by the sleek curvy shape of the black queen. Are these... lustful feelings? No! A man of the cloth must not entertain such thoughts!

Gadzooks, but this is a shocking development. The royal couple, bickering like two admittedly very cunning children? Such scandal. The queen is lucky you are a quiet man, for if word was spread that she was indeed THE THEIF, her body would be stripped of clothing for a public whipping and all would see the beautiful, soft form of her...
...erm...
...the bishop averts his gaze, focusing on his book.

BLACK QUEEN'S BISHOP HAS GAINED EFFECT FOCUS! THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT IS BUSY IS NOW LESSENED GREATLY!
BLACK QUEEN'S BISHOP HAS GAINED TRAIT HIDDEN FEELINGS! IF THE BLACK QUEEN IS CAPTURED, IT WILL BE FROZEN WITH GRIEF FOR FIVE TURNS AND HAS A ONE IN FOUR CHANCE OF BECOMING A NECROMANCER!
The narrator briefly wonders whether he should have shouted that last bit, but since the pieces can't hear him he guesses it's totally fine.

White Right Castle: Upgrade to Modern House

The white King switches out his Castling move for a Household move. He loses the defensive bonus but gains a spiffy new car.

WHITE KING HAS LOST TRAIT CASTLING!
WHITE KING HAS GAINED TRAIT SPIFFY CAR! IT CAN NOW MOVE TO ANY DISCOVERED SPACE ON THE BOARD SO LONG AS A PATH TO THAT SPACE IS ORTHOGANICALLY UNBLOCKED AND THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE TERRAIN EFFECTS.
Because there are totally terrain effects. Didn't I mention? I'm almost sure I did.

White Castle (on white's turn): Begin construction of a Bomber Jet.

Whit can NO LONGER CASTLE, silly!
White to move.

[AvzinElkein]

White King's Knight: Move two north and one west.

White Bishops: Start prayers of strength for your team.

[TimeothyHour]

White King: Contact Brother, Leader of the Blue Mercenaries, and offer to pay him for his... services in the upcoming battle.

[epoxy]

show spoiler

hide spoiler

Heehee, this is a fun adventure so far! "Chess with arbitrary rules" sounded like a bizarre premise at first, but I'm not sure why; it was something I used to do with chess sets as a kid. Keep up the good work!

~Black Turn~
> Black King's Pawn: Move two spaces forward (south)

~White Turn~
> White King's Rook: Notice that the black Rooks have retreated and are working on something. Wonder what they could be building (actually you don't need to wonder because they are OBVIOUSLY constructing some sort of heinous superweapon, the goodfornuthin' ebonies). Retreat (2 south) to prepare counter-scheme. Enlist the help of a piece with technological savvy... like... the White Queen maybe? You've heard she's sort of a gadget geek.

~Black Turn~
> Black Queen's Knight: Let's ride! (2 south, 1 east)

[Aryogaton]

>Xiangqi and Shogi armies: Enter the war.

[Reecer6]

WHITE LEFT ROOK'S PAWN: Reveal secret alcove hiding your most precious belongings

[wlzrobert]

White Bishops: Discover Laser Rifles

[SketchComedy]

White King's Knight: Move two north and one west.

This.

[Masterweaver]

White King's Knight: Move two north and one west.

White Bishops: Start prayers of strength for your team.

"Oh hallowed father, whose name art blessed, lend us thy strength as we now engage the OBSIDIAN OBLITERATORS in combat. May thy will be done."

WHITE HAS GAINED ABILITY: HOLY BLESSING! IF A CURSED PIECE ATTACKS, IT WILL BE CAPTURED!
And before you ask, yes, there are cursed pieces. Somewhere. I'm not going to go smacking on religion here.

White King: Contact Brother, Leader of the Blue Mercenaries, and offer to pay him for his... services in the upcoming battle.

Thanks to the king's HOUSEHOLD MOVESET, he now has access to a phone. Aren't you smart?
"My brother, I fear that the upcoming battle is stacked against my favor. However, as king, I have wealth and I know that you are interested in--"
"Stow it. Pay is the usual; 500 for every enemy killed, 700 for every one of us fallen."
"Thank you, my brother. Your assistance is most-"
"I said stow it. We're not going to be there for a while, we were busy to the west. Just hold out till we get there." *Click*
Well, the AZURE ANNIHILATORS are on the way. When they'll be here is anybody's guess.

> Black King's Pawn: Move two spaces forward (south)

Wow, that was an incredibly boring--

Oh. Look, that other pawn has drunkenly stumbled forth as well. Still boring.

> White King's Rook: Notice that the black Rooks have retreated and are working on something. Wonder what they could be building (actually you don't need to wonder because they are OBVIOUSLY constructing some sort of heinous superweapon, the goodfornuthin' ebonies). Retreat (2 south) to prepare counter-scheme. Enlist the help of a piece with technological savvy... like... the White Queen maybe? You've heard she's sort of a gadget geek.

You lower your eyeglass. That...THING that they are building, that WALL. The OBSIDIAN OBLITERATORS are already ridiculously powerful as is, what with their pawns being heralded together like that... and whatever the bishops are working on can't bode that well.
If you're going to survive.... you'll need to do something drastic.

"My queen! To me!"
"Friend rook, what do you ask?"

"I know you have interest in the ways technological. You were the one who constructed your husband's SPIFFY CAR, and I noted during our training that you could stop the robotic army with a tap of your bracelet."
"Hush, friend rook! My interests cannot be considered womanly and if they were ever to be discovered--"
"My queen. You are loved not for your beauty, though lovely you are, but your your mind. And now, that mind must be made to counter the arts of the OBSIDIAN OBLITERATORS. Will you not help me? Will you not assist in creating a weapon for our forces?"
"...very well, friend rook. But I must change first. Avert your gaze, so that my marital integrity is not tarnished."

WHITE QUEEN HAS BECOME WHITE WRENCH WENCH! DESPITE HOW BAD THAT SOUNDS, IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD THING, BECAUSE NOW SHE CAN WORK HARD AT MAKING TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICES!
WHITE WRENCH WENCH GAINED EFFECT BUSY! IT WILL BE UNABLE TO MOVE FOR you know what, skip it, you know what this means by now. And that rook's busy too, just so you know.

> Black Queen's Knight: Let's ride! (2 south, 1 east)

....
Nope, that pawn's not stumbling forward this time. This is so BOOOORIIIING.
Oh hey look! The black bishops are done with their research!

BLACK BISHOPS HAVE GAINED TRAIT FLIGHT! THEY CAN NOW MOVE UP TO EIGHT SPACES WITHOUT BEING BLOCKED! Unfortunately they can't hover or anything. Flying's not exactly energy-free.

>Xiangqi and Shogi armies: Enter the war.

Meanwhile, far to the east...
The Sepia Slaughterers prepare to strike an entrenchment of Red Razors. True, their Lances would be permanently slowed once they hit the stream, but they have superior numbers. This would be a day to remember...
In the fortress, the general and his advisors prepare for the upcoming onslaught. They are deeply entrenched, almost every member of their army built for defense. This will be a hard battle, a fight of attrition. But they are confident that in the end, their superior tactics will win out...

But you know, that's not important right now, because that's a completely different conflict over there.

WHITE QUEEN ROOK'S PAWN: Reveal secret alcove hiding your most precious belongings

"...Friend pawn."
"Yes, sir rook?"
"I have noticed that you stand on a well-hidden door. May I ask what lies within?"
"..."
"...Forgive me, I did not mean to pry--"
"I suppose. I'm about to march into battle, and we may soon die."
The pawn rummages through the HIDDEN PANEL.
"This... this is a picture of me and my family. My lovely Lindel... our daughter Giger and our son, Raynold. He likes to be called Ray.... This picture was taken years ago. We have two other daughters now, and three sons, and a few children whom we've adopted."
"A large family."
"Yes.... this... Giger made me this when she was five. It's... not well constructed, I'll admit... but she called it a pet doggy I could have..."
The narrator decides this is getting too mushy and quickly moves onto the next command. He does, however, encourage the readers to make fanart of this scene and reminds them that the images on the board are purely metaphorical. Actually any fanart would be nice. The author is so lonely. His best friend is a sword. It wants to kiss him, to be one with him....
*ahem*

White Bishops: Discover Laser Rifles

You cannot discover LASER RIFLES because QUEEN WRENCH WENCH IS BUSY INVENTING THEM!
White to move.
Brown to move.

[AvzinElkein]

White Queen's knight: Two North, one East.

White King's Rook's Pawn: Discover and admit that you're the White King's bastard son...

Random Brown Pawn: Move forward one. (I don't know which is the Shogi side, and which is the Xiangqi side.)

[Masterweaver]

>Author: Request more commands.

Will do!

[epoxy]

Black King's Bishop's Pawn: move forward 1 space. Tell your brother in arms, the Black King's Pawn, that you've got his back.

White Queen's Bishop's Pawn: move diagonally forward (1 north, 1 west). Actually, if you can, sneak forward, just like you learned in 'Nam (thus not using a turn).

White King's Knight: Glare at Black Queen's Knight, who is now only a few squares away. In one move you could be within striking distance of this rival and... what? No it couldn't be... that Black Knight couldn't possibly be... but you squint across the hazy battlefield again. It is! After all these years, it's HIM.

[Reecer6]

Both Red Rooks: Research FIREARMS
Or, if that's already gotten, then research the first thing in this list you can: Shotguns, Chainguns, RPGs, Lasers.

BLACK KING KNIGHT'S PAWN: Move forward once
BLACK FLAGBEARER: Wear some leather armor