HomeTrek - Set Phasers to DERP

[Captain Lhurgoyf]

Additionally, in the movies (1 through 6) they crewmen of Starfleet all wore fancy red uniforms, so they were all technically Red-Shirts. How many of them died then?
Okay, maybe a few main characters and whatnot, but I think my facepalm image still wins in the end.

They didn't get those uniforms until the second movie, actually.

Also, I'm pretty sure that the first throwaway character to die wore blue.

/trekkie

> WV: Check to see if the planet's atmosphere is breathable by humans.

[Cyros]

Just want to give a quick update about this adventure: I have not yet given up on it. I have a few things preoccupying me in real life that I'd like to get taken care of first, of course. Mostly work related. But once this source of anxiety is by me, I should have breathing room to get back in the mix of things.

I will give you a small hint at what may be ahead: there will be a choice given. By whom, you may ask? I won't say who it is outright, naturally. I just hope you all remember your ABCs...

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And yes; it can't get any more vague than that. XD

[Rational Absurdity]

A challenge? I ACCEPT!

Let's see...
ABCs...
There are 26 letters in the alphabet.
A day in Bajor is 26 hours.
The Bajorans claimed responsibility for the destruction of Solarion Four.
The Solarion system was 26 minutes from the Enterprise's location when they picked up their distress signal!
The Enterprise is a Galaxy Class starship from The Next Generation.
Starships with the same names have a letter of the alphabet added to the end of their registry, making the Enterprise's registry NCC-1701-D
There are two main characters in the TNG cast with names that start with D, Data and Deanna Troi.
Data is a robot while Deanna possesses psychic abilities.
...
ARADIAAAAAAAA

[littlebeasti]

A challenge? I ACCEPT!

Let's see...
ABCs...
There are 26 letters in the alphabet.
A day in Bajor is 26 hours.
The Bajorans claimed responsibility for the destruction of Solarion Four.
The Solarion system was 26 minutes from the Enterprise's location when they picked up their distress signal!
The Enterprise is a Galaxy Class starship from The Next Generation.
Starships with the same names have a letter of the alphabet added to the end of their registry, making the Enterprise's registry NCC-1701-D
There are two main characters in the TNG cast with names that start with D, Data and Deanna Troi.
Data is a robot while Deanna possesses psychic abilities.
...
ARADIAAAAAAAA

....
That is just amazing. HOW DOES (S)HE DO IT?!

[LightMage]

Iduno maybe he means in the order we introduced characters?
John---Rose---AR---DAVE---Jade---so if we follow the pattern of two characters in a row then restarting the alphabet with a + 2 more characters we get...
ARADIAA!
Wow Rational Absurdity is right.
O.O
+1Reader

[PaladinFoster]

Two theories that point right to Aradia, but perhaps we are looking for patterns where there are none? Oh well.

>New Person: Show Yourself.

[Cyros]

Well, I got good news and bad news. Bad news is that I'm back.

Goods news is that said things that have been preoccupying me in the background of things have been dealt with. Pressure at home has been lifted. Thus, I can afford to actually use my creativity instead of goofing off in the my spare time (as is custom for me when I'm being pressured to do something).

And the truth is, I haven't been not thinking of this adventure throughout that time. On the contrary, I've been going over ideas in my head again and AGAIN and AGAIN... so many possibilities I can go with this one. Sure, it's basically a fan parody, but it's a fan parody that I happen to enjoy brainstorming about. So why abandon it now?

The answer: DON'T ABANDON IT. Kick yourself in the ass and chain yourself to your PC and you make those ideas COME TO LIFE!

That said, let's get things going. Shall we?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

>Someone: Contact the SCIENCE OFFICER so that she knows to head for the transporter room.


As the COMMANDER and his away team make their way to the transporter room, the scene shifts to the ship's SCIENCE OFFICER-

"Wait wait wait, just stop for a moment, would you?"
"Here, let me do it. There. That wasn't so difficult, now was it?"

>New Person: Show Yourself!
"Now there's no need to get testy with me, good sir."
"Suffice to say I had no intention of going through this much trouble to halt events just to see how annoyed you all would get."
"Though I must admit, it does make for an interesting experiment. I'll have to make a note of that in the future. Could make for quality entertainment!"
"Now, let's see if I can just..."

==>

"Ah-HAH! There we go!"
"It's not surprising, really. I already knew I was going to succeed."
"Though I do apologize for the, how should I put this, 'lack of flair' with my entrance. Technical difficulties beyond my nigh-unlimited control, you see."
"Well, yes, that is just fancy talk for 'the animator couldn't get the right effect fast enough and had to improvise.' Like I said, don't blame me, I'm just here to talk to you!"
"..."
"It seems my sudden entrance has all left you rather speechless, hmm?"
"..."
"What? Were you expecting someone else?"
"Oh, well I am very sorry to disappoint your expectations, but I simply don't have time to feel bad for myself right now!"
"Not that I, ever do, of course. I proudly live a life without any regrets! You should all try it sometime! VERY refreshing."
"Well enough of this banter! You and I?"

"We need have a little chat about things..."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

It's good to be back. Now, time to assimilate some more drones- I mean readers- I mean, uh...

...you didn't hear anything...

[Wessolf27]

Alright Doc, spill it, what do you want?

[Edrobot]

AGGRESSION RESISTOR: Tear Mr. Cueball limb-from-limb in a fit of blind fury.

[littlebeasti]

Alright Doc, spill it, what do you want?

> And please don't have it be some cliche "trial of humanity" or some bullshit, that's just lame at this point.

[Cyros]

>Alright Doc, spill it, what do you want?



"Before we go any further, I just wish to inform that I know what you are thinking at this very moment."
"And the answer is no; I have no plans to do any kind of judgment on humanity."
"Why bother? You humans are perfectly capable of doing that to yourselves."
"No need for me to go and beat a dead hoofbeast."
"And please, don't refer to me as such. After all, you don't know exactly who or what I am, do you?"
"I may look like someone very familiar to you, but does that mean it makes me the same person?"
"It could! I'm just saying it might not! Why do you humans always go around assume things? I know you have a phrase for that."
"But alas, you should have some kind of moniker for me, if a temporary one. So let's keep it simple, shall we?"
"Until I state otherwise-"
"-and by which I mean 'if' I state otherwise-"
"-you shall henceforth refer to me as S."
"Cliche? Oh most definitely, but after all, you are in the middle of a parody here, aren't you?"

"Which finally brings me to my point: Is THIS really the best we all could do?"
"We have here two famous icons that have had the privilege of spawning from your culture's creative gene pool.
"Both, I might add, would have no reason of every being part of one another."
"And yet it is the same creative magic that sprouted these wondrous ideas in the first place that allows us to combine them in a way that is both entertaining and, if all goes well, quite enjoyable."
"But really now, is this any way to start things off? Put our heroes together, send them off to some godforsaken planet filled with ravenous beasts, maybe loose a crew member that only has a few lines, and then ride off into the stellar winds?"
"This is not the 60's, people! This is the 21st century, a living breathing turning point in your species development as a future star-faring species."
"You should be demanding something a little more creativity than this!"
"...which is why I have decided to step in. Because I know what you all want, even if none of you realize it yet."
"The premise you are witnessing now holds oh so much potential! Yet the potential is wasted if it is not brought out properly. Don't you want it the start off more exciting than this?"
"I am talking drama. Suspense! Surprises! Tragedy. Romance! Betrayal. Action! Danger. Certain death..."
"All the things and everything that make you wish you could go where no one has gone before."
"Along with the bits and pieces of jagged thought, sewn together in a way that brings out a most unique story, all based on your thoughts of how the world should play out."
"Suffice to say, from what I've seen so far, you are on the right track. But I think we can do a bit better if we made some... changes..."
"But, alas, I must be fair in my decision. So that is why I am giving you all a chance to shape destiny, as it happens."
"'How is it different from what I always do,' you ask yourself? That answer is it's not!"
"Of course, it's a bit more of a crucial choice than guiding a starship captain to his bedroom. We're talking major changes to the space-time continuum of this very adventure!"
"It's right up my alley, you know. Being nigh-omnipotent and all."

"So here's what I am offering to you."
"We could stay on the path that has already been set. And see where things take us from there."
"Though I don't frankly see why you'd all bother to. I sure wouldn't want to."
"Or..."
"Or, we can go back and change a few starting conditions to this little adventure..."
"I won't say what would be done, not just yet. But I guarantee that this choice would result in a much more enjoyable introduction than what was already running before I got here."
"I'm serious! I'm talking pilot-episode-of-a-live-action-science-fiction-series kind of enjoyable! I certainly don't see any negative consequences to that choice; do you?"

"And now, the choice is clear. You, my dear readers, have two paths you may follow."
"Shall we continue to travel the road we are currently on, make it past the oh-so-boring first away mission, and then move on to new things?"
"Or shall we go back and create a new beginning, to create a storyline that would make any science-fiction fantasy fanboy faint from excitement?"
"Yes, I suppose that last part is a bit of an exaggeration..."
"Still, I'd recommend it!"
"So; do we stay the course already set in? Or do we make warp speed back to a new genesis, and prepare to explore the final frontier in a whole new light?"
"Remember now, my precious, oh-so-imaginative humans..."

"Choose wisely..."

[genericuser2]

Well then.

The wisest choice...

Is to do both at the same time.

Two timelines to play with , oh almighty 19th letter of the alphabet.

No.

Doubling? Pawshaw! Let's square - nay cube this creative distraction.

So let's start with a base of three.

Set weapons to TRE-------E LAN-------E.

[The One Guy]

This generic user is right; alternate universes and the ultimate between such can provide a much greater capability for creativity than either one of them alone.

[kd7sov]

I also vote for the caduceus, the entwined but separate lines.

But if that's not available, I say we stick with what we've got. Setting and scenario aren't story, and there's no reason to suppose that new things can't begin in the away mission. Conversely, I don't know that an alternate beginning would be more exciting than what we've already had.

Unless, of course, you have something more specific to offer than "try it, you'll like it!"?

[Rational Absurdity]

While I enjoy Hometrek as it is at this moment, if we are urged so much into restarting, then I would put my faith into the idea that the reboot would be the better choice.

[littlebeasti]

I dunno but S is a pretty good framing device!
> Seriously though man, you gotta give us SOME detail. At the moment I'm fine with how it was so I would be fine with it continuing, but if you gave me some actual detail I might decide "yeah that sounds cool let's do that."
> Also splitting the timeline probably doesn't make sense in this case, if I'm understanding the question right, which I might not be. I mean we could do it anyway, but.

[Edrobot]

>SPACE JACK NOIR: Express your opinion in the most violent manner possible.

[Cyros]

>Seriously though man, you gotta give us SOME detail.


"I guess being vague and mysterious doesn't quite cut it for your tastes. A shame, really."
"In that case, allow me to-"
"Wait a minute."
"Is that J-"

The nigh-omnipotent being's statement is cut off by a metallic PUNCH-TO-THE-FACE!

Er, the cue ball, to be technical.

Wait a minute, what is HE doing here?

...and what the hell is he wearing?

>SPACE JACK NOIR: Express your opinion in the most violent manner possible.


You are now SPACE JACK NOIR. You make a note that the name is COMPLETELY STUPID and to think of something more clever when you make your official appearance in this thing.

You also make a note to sue the guy who designed your outfit. Seriously, come on. Look at it! Is this supposed to make you look space-y? You look better suited as a sci-fi convention fanboy. You know, the kind that breathes heavily while standing next to their favorite female lead from that 90's show they watch almost every single waking moment?

You suddenly feel like you've gotten off track and glare at the audience. You glare at them with a rage of a thousand supernovas, which cannot be accurately depicted with simple drawing tools. As such, you cannot express your opinion in the most violent manner possible at this time. It's the old fashion way for you... this time.

Seeing as "S" here isn't doing much which his little "Pick A or B" scam, you're going to take the reigns here. And to start off, you're going to spoil how the original timeline was meant to play out. Because you can. And because it's what you do, damn it.

The plot basically boiled down to thus: Captain Egderp sends his moron squad to the planet. They find out it's populated by a tribe of vicious and (mostly) sexy space vampires. The female lead (the white bald broad a few panels back) is left alone and the male losers are abducted. A giant alpha-vampire eats the red-shirt. As in the red-shirt without the glasses. Remember that guy? Nobody does and nobody will. Anyway, the ironic dumb ass is going to get laid up by sexy vampire chicks, when the science broad deus-ex-machine the shits out of them. A giant chase scene with the away dorks and the giant vampire dude occurs, rocks fall, the vampire dude dies. Then the idiots return to their ship and depart the planet, never to return. The fucking end. Roll credits, switch back to your romantic comedy or whatever the hell else you all watch.

"To be honest, there was a bit more cleverness original planned for that mission-"

You ignore the banter of cue ball in the background there-

"Cue ball. You must have been up all night thinking of that one."

-and continue to stare down the audience. You feel a sense of satisfaction for ruining the surprise for the original story, hopefully in a way that sways the readers to the best choice. The choice that GETS YOU IN THE ADVENTURE FASTER. Duh.

"If you continue like that, Jack, no one is going to want you to appear. Ever. For all time."

God, is he still talking? You probably need to punch him again. Maybe a kick or two. Might as well grab a rail gun while you're at it...

"I'm terribly sorry for this disgruntled Dersite's outburst, ladies and gentlemen. It seems he has an attitude problem, no matter which universe he's in."
"I suppose further apologies are in order for the deception of free-choice that I was going to present with (before I was rudely interrupted). I could shed some light on my motives in this particular act of trickery..."
"Along with a few details on what makes the new timeline more pleasing to follow than the old one..."
"But first, I believe some disciplinary action is in store for our dear friend Jack here."

You are still SPACE JACK NOIR, OH GOD SUCH A STUPID MONIKER, and you are not feeling threatened by this limey douche-bag's plans in the very least. You are confident that you can take anything he can dish out.

"Playing the brave one, are we? Very well. Readers, perhaps you could think of a way to punish Jack here before we continue things?"

And now you don't feel as confident. Crap.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

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I doubt this little interlude between "universes" is going to last much longer, but I'll continue for but a few updates longer. For those that were enjoying the adventure up until this point, I'm sorry, but if I don't enjoy the same plot-line while making it, then that would just make things suffer even more in the wrong run. Hence my decision for doing what I am doing. I am confident, though, that the new "pilot" will be much more enjoyable. I'm just going to need a little patience to get into it... and a lot of LUCK.

[Edrobot]

>S: Make Space Jack Noir go on a magical adventure full of whimsy and wonder, where he will discover the true value of honor, courage and friendship with the help of a lovable cast of magical talking ponies that he is literally incapable of hurting ether physicality or mentally no matter how clever he is.

>S: Or, you know, have him fight in a Holy Grail War with the Secret Wizard as his Master. That should at least blow off some steam.

>S: Actually, why not do both?

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NEXT TIME, ON FATE STAY/FRIENDSHIP...
[COLOR="rgb(244, 164, 96)"]GILGAMESH: Now, listen, Pinkie Pie! Help me destroy the other masters, and we shall rule this land of magical talking ponies together! In all my years I never thought I would actually have to say that...[/COLOR]
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]PINKIE PIE: Why?[/COLOR]
[COLOR="rgb(244, 164, 96)"]GILGAMESH: Beacuse I will use you as the vessel for the Holy Grail, which will grant any wish to the winner of Heaven's Feel![/COLOR]
[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]PINKIE PIE: Why?[/COLOR]
[COLOR="rgb(244, 164, 96)"]GILGAMESH: Beacuse that is how the ritual used to bring forth the holy grail works![/COLOR]
PINKIE PIE: Why?
[COLOR="rgb(244, 164, 96)"]GILGAMESH: Er... I don't know. It's a magic thing. Why don't you go ask a wizard?[/COLOR]
SECRET WIZARD: Behold my robes!
GILGAMESH: Okay, bad example.

P.S. (Is it okay if I mirror your story on MSPFA?)

[littlebeasti]

Okay, Edrobot just won. There is nothing I can do to top that.
Nothing.

[Rational Absurdity]

>Beat the shit out of Noir with a Scrap Book.

...

WITH FUTURISTIC HOLOGRAPHIC BORDERS AROUND THE PICTURES.
(Someone will get the reference, right?)

>Give him a new uniform, but it looks like silly jester clothing.

[Cyros]

P.S. (Is it okay if I mirror your story on MSPFA?)

I'm actually flattered that I'm being offered this, but at this time I'm going to respectfully decline. I'd feel better once I get the new "pilot" going first, and that means doing a few more things in the background.

But Jack is still going to get his before I go that far. Oh yes he will. >=D

[siguard]

>I'm game with the non-vampire option, because as soon as you put both space and vampire together shit gets ludicrous. but only if Space Jack Noir and S are forced to be in the same room together.

[genericuser2]

>S: Switch his color scheme, rewrite the timelines so he is an android or maybe a meatbag of some fashion who must learn to comprehend human and troll feelings - not so that he becomes more human but so that the locks on his programming that allow him to act on the rage that fuels him are steadily relaxed. That's right, split him in several pieces across the multiverse and put him under a curse and a quest to reunite into his TRUE FORM even if he has to stab universal barrier's, subtly highjack ships and steal powerful artifacts to do it ( and make f-riend-s). Also, curse word filter. Until he's done he has to be Data, basically.

>S: "Blubbering Gosh Darned Pansy"

>S: Oh why the hell not. Reach into the rivaling universe next door. You know the one that's constantly scratching your car with it's keys and called the cops that time you took a dump(not yours) in some paper bag's and set them all over it's lawnring. Anyhoo grab a copy of this guy's consciousness(he hasn't done anything in a long time) and deposit him in the many Mr. Noir's brains. Now he can't say you didn't leave him proper company to keep sane and motivated.

>S: Turn one duplicate of Mr. Noir into a physical copy of the Black Queen. Wake up every morning. Look in the mirror. Quietly seethe. Fill RAGE HONEY spade containers. So much rage honey. How much only you and he know.

[Wessolf27]

Edrobot's suggestion is so tempting... and I guess he won, I'll go with his.