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Thread: fantroll crit thread #1. THERE IS A NEW THREAD, PLEASE DON'T POST IN HERE ANY MORE.

  1. #1
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    fantroll crit thread #1. THERE IS A NEW THREAD, PLEASE DON'T POST IN HERE ANY MORE.

    !!! HERE IS THE MOST UP TO DATE SPRITE SHEET. PLEASE USE IT FOR MAKING YOUR FANTROLL SPRITES !!!

    WELCOME TO THE FANTROLL/HUMAN/BLOODSWAPPED CANON TROLL/FANALIEN CRITDOME 2011

    What's the purpose of this thread? Simple: a collaborative effort in making fantrolls better. After all, they can be tricky things! There's so many aspects to accidentally get wrong, and if you do get them wrong, it's always embarrassing to know that you've been responsible for making a bad fantroll. But don't worry! We're here to help. Simply post your profile, and everyone else is free to critique away.

    If you want critique on your fantroll, here's what to do. Post their:
    1. SPRITE
    2. PROFILE
    3. ABOUND
    (if you have them)

    and, if you have any specific concerns, outline them so people can focus on that area in particular. For instance, "I think the spritework is shoddy but I can't figure out how to fix it"/"Is the psychic power too ridiculous?"

    ***Note!! The TROLLSLUM 8 thread is where you go to index your fantroll's profiles and "officially post them." If you have a new fantroll you want to submit to the index, please post it there!***


    RULES FOR CRITIQUING:


    1. Politeness. All criticism must be constructive. If you don't know the difference, think of what separates the statements "this sucks" and "this needs work". The first is destructive, an insult towards the art while offering no advice to help improve it. The second is vague, but is a good step on the way to helping improve. However! This does not mean this has to be Niceness Dome 2011, you don't have to sugarcoat things. But you do need to avoid personal insults of all kinds. If in doubt, reread the official forum rules.

    2. Being specific. "This sprite needs work"- work on what? The personality? The sprite? Point out what's wrong, and suggest ideas to fix it. "The eyes are too high, plop them down a bit- try aligning it next to a canon sprite." "That power is way too strong, here are <drawbacks X Y and Z> to keep it balanced." Stuff like that. In addition, try to give critique on all aspects of the fantroll, unless you can honestly find nothing wrong with it.

    3. Be decent. It's alright to ask for clarification on why someone think a certain way about a fantroll, but don't turn it into a flame war! There are always ultimately going to be disagreements. In addition, ALL OFF TOPIC CHATTER GOES IN GENCHAT THREAD.

    4. Reciprocate. If you've had your fantroll critiqued, stick around and crit someone elses. It's only good to return the favour!

    5. Patience. Don't repeatedly nag people to crit you if you've posted and asked. Someone might get to eventually! If they don't, don't whine or harass, just politely bring it up after time has elapsed. Perhaps post it again after a four day period.


    GOOD READINGS:

    "Why should I even bother making my fantroll fit in with Alternia? Can't I just do whatever I want? Give them six wings and rainbow blood?"
    No. That might fly on Deviantart, but around here, we sort of like to pride ourselves on actually making good fantrolls. It's 100% more satisfying to make a creative, original troll that isn't a sue and could hypothetically live on Alternia than just poop out a technicolor Mary Sue and call it a day.

    "Why do you even care about it? It's my fantroll."
    Point one. We love making fantrolls. It's fun as hell, and an excellent way to blow off steam or kill some time roleplaying. But we take pride in what we make, and if someone shows that they can't be bothered taking that pride, we really don't want to RP with them!

    Point two. When someone makes a fantroll, they're actively contributing to the reputation of the fantrolling community. And, in case you haven't noticed, that rep is actually... pretty bad. Why? Because of abysmal technicolor Mary Sue trolls that ~fill bukets wif Eridan and Sollux at da same time~ and have pink blood and all that shit. Every time a bad fantroll is born, and reposted around tumblr and 4chan and laughed at, it embarrasses all of us and the reputation goes down yet again. It is very disheartening. 8'(

    "Eeeek! How do I make a good fantroll, then!?"
    With this handy dandy post, of course!!
    This is a guide I wrote up that's all about making your fantroll good. Please read it! :'D

    SILLIES
    ---------
    ~~blackrom, as explained by yu-gi-oh abridged~~
    (thanx capt. whosit!)
    Last edited by Thunder Reign; 01-10-2012 at 11:39 PM.

  2. #2
    Shockingly human. Alyss's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Alyss View Post


    Your name is SOMNIUM DESVELO, and you are the epitome of dealing with it.

    For some unknown reason, your thinkpan is riddled with various sleep-related disorders, such as insomnia and sleep paralysis, which makes you walk around like a zombie, sleep-deprived beyond comprehension. Although, you'd prefer that over when you actually manage to get in your forty winks. Even with the best sopor slime a member of the Nautical Aristocracy can buy, your dreams always turn out some level of horrifying. All of your life you've been puzzled by this, especially since you're careful to make sure your slime is fresh. You spend quite a bit of your time studying and researching some cure for this, or at least make some stronger sopor slime. Along with this research, you keep a journal, or a dream diary if you will, of your messed up dream sequences, ranging from the crap-your-pants terrifying, to just plain strange. Telling people about them also helps you feel a bit better, even though they think you're crazy or just don't care. Still, it helps.

    You live in one of the deeper parts of the sea, and can't remember the last time you were above water, if ever. Because of this, your lungs... aren't so great. You can still breathe air, but it would be very hard for you to so without gasping for water. This will never, ever hinder you ever in your life. Ever.

    You have a few interests, one of which was already mentioned: studying your dreams. Although, researching them has been futile, and your only conclusion is that your thinkpan is just that awful. You like to draw scenes from your dreams, and you've gotten pretty good at it! It's fun, and you're sure if you showed someone else they'd be pretty impressed! Y'know, if they weren't so terrifying n' all. You also like to fish, and fish is just about all you eat! It's pretty easy, too. You just sorta swim up to an unsuspecting fish and stab the everloving shit out of it with your knife. It's a great way to let out pent-up frustrations!

    You are very quiet, and have almost no social skills what-so-ever, due to never having spoken to anyone face-to-face before. Just about all your interactions with people have always happened online, in the comfort and safety of your foreboding tower-hive. One thing you have noticed about the dreams is the negative effects they have on your mind. When angered, you are prone to violent, almost bestial rages. You sorta... Scared the shit outta yourself the first time it happened, and tried not to let it happen again. You hold in your anger, and suppress theses 'outbursts'. They kind of work, but you just might be making them worse. You really are a nice guy, though! At least, you think out are. Really, really hope at least.

    You have a very melancholy attitude about everything, some days being worse than others. Those days, you have completely lost hope of every 'fixing' yourself, and just try to deal with whatever shit the world gives you. Which, is quite a bit.

    Your trollTag is insomniacDaydreamer, and you **tend to trail off from time to time, as if in a dream...**


    :> Okay, so, first post. Is his general shtick kinda retarded? Because I've got the feeling it's retarded.
    -at night.

  3. #3
    Scribe of Thought Katrika's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    I really like his shtick! I mean, trolls have been confirmed to have horrible nightmares...it's not unthinkable that one has nightmares too strong to suppress. And it seems like you're doing a pretty good job of showing the physical and mental effects this would have, such as insomnia and violent rages. All in all, I really, really like this guy.

  4. #4
    is a capybara. momatoes's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Hi Alyss! First things first. He's underwater, right? Presumably, he's a good swimmer. Swimming is a very physical activity, so I'd think that his lungs would actually be *stronger* instead of vice versa. Especially as he lives in a deep part of the ocean!

    The dream shtick is fine by me. I'm just worried that you based ALL his personality on it, making him sound a little flat to me. Does he have any other quirks? Maybe he's a sopor connoieusseur. Maybe he like to watch zombie movies out of insomnia. Try rounding him out by asking a few simple questions:

    > What does he do in his free time?
    > How does he interact with his lusus?
    > Does he make any effort to make friends? Why or why not?
    > How is he different from Gamzee?

    Plus other questions that may be helpful but aren't in my thinkpan right now.

    Also, consider what his symbol means. It seems to be... a checkerboard? A keyboard? Symbols can be meaningless (durr the canon trolls don't even get explanations for theirs) but I think symbols are useful for summarizing, or at least illustrating some key aspect of the troll.

    I hope this helped, it's not very in-depth but I think it addresses most of my concerns.
    Hey there.

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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    I'll step up to the plate with Balora! Things I'm concerned about in particular:
    -I tried to make a seadweller with a vision xfold power that wasn't an automatic Mary Sue. Do you think I succeeded, or is his power still dumb?
    -Is his story, well, believable?
    -Are there any flaws with his personality I should work on?
    -Are those horns simply ridiculous?


    Your name is BALORA XOLOTL.

    PROFILE:



    TLDR:

  6. #6
    Shockingly human. Alyss's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrika View Post
    I really like his shtick! I mean, trolls have been confirmed to have horrible nightmares...it's not unthinkable that one has nightmares too strong to suppress. And it seems like you're doing a pretty good job of showing the physical and mental effects this would have, such as insomnia and violent rages. All in all, I really, really like this guy.
    :3c Thanks!!!


    Quote Originally Posted by momatoes View Post
    Hi Alyss! First things first. He's underwater, right? Presumably, he's a good swimmer. Swimming is a very physical activity, so I'd think that his lungs would actually be *stronger* instead of vice versa. Especially as he lives in a deep part of the ocean!

    The dream shtick is fine by me. I'm just worried that you based ALL his personality on it, making him sound a little flat to me. Does he have any other quirks? Maybe he's a sopor connoieusseur. Maybe he like to watch zombie movies out of insomnia. Try rounding him out by asking a few simple questions:

    > What does he do in his free time?
    > How does he interact with his lusus?
    > Does he make any effort to make friends? Why or why not?
    > How is he different from Gamzee?

    Plus other questions that may be helpful but aren't in my thinkpan right now.

    Also, consider what his symbol means. It seems to be... a checkerboard? A keyboard? Symbols can be meaningless (durr the canon trolls don't even get explanations for theirs) but I think symbols are useful for summarizing, or at least illustrating some key aspect of the troll.

    I hope this helped, it's not very in-depth but I think it addresses most of my concerns.
    I did really... Shape his interests around his disorders, didn't I? I'll give more info on him in the profile!!

    And I snatched the symbol from the shirt of a video game character.




    spoilered for huge (and I didn't draw it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
    -at night.

  7. #7
    emptiness and Chasewithlasers's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    @Alyss
    Hmmm, there aren't points that are screamingly bad about Somnium at all. Although, I would like to reiterate Momatoes' points: even if not bad, he does look a little unfleshed, and revolving around the theme of dreams a bit too much.
    Even someone overly dedicated to a certain thing must engage in some other hobbies! Something to distract him about the nightmares and thinking about dreams. He is a seadweller, after all - it's not like he doesn't have money to blow away on something.
    The general shtick isn't retarded at all - being a fantroll with his 'theme' about dreams, this could be interesting in a session. For example, he could be a Prospit dreamer, and understand the dream clouds better than the other trolls, or as a Derse dreamer, maybe the horrorterror's whispers can make him a little more mad than the others, for already having some 'trauma' with horrifying nightmares.
    The symbol also doesn't say much. While it can be something that actually means a lot, I think it should be explained, or at least named, so anyone who is curious can search for the meaning. It's a bit more minor than everything else, though - as stated, the canon trolls also don't get explanations for their symbols.
    Also, how is his lusus like? All we know about it is that it's an eel, and if that was not stated in the TL;DR, no one would know about it. Is it a protective lusus? Does it fight him and think he is a wimp? Is it really absent? While the lusii are mostly animals, they are a big part of a fantroll, since they are basically their parents. Even a small change of personality in the lusus can affect the troll a lot, and make him more pissed, or calmer, or even give him a new interest, etc.

    Well, anyway, I don't really like sticking my nose in and giving too much examples, it feels a bit rude.
    My basic critique here is that he is really too focused on one single topic, and some points, namely hobbies, lusus and maybe some more interest branching out of his main interest, could be more developed. Lusus is one of the most important things missing.

    All in all, a good fantroll. Nothing bad, just looking a bit plain.
    Last edited by Chasewithlasers; 07-22-2011 at 02:55 PM.
    tumblr

    trolls

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    Scribe of Thought Katrika's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    I'm worried Porima is a little bland. Anyone have crit?

    > Be the weird girl.



    Your name is PORIMA GROZAN, and you’re 6 sweeps old. You only leave your hive to get food, but you’re not alone. You’re never alone. For one thing, your lusus hardly ever leaves the hive, either. Then again, she doesn’t do much of anything. Lazy old thing!

    …you’re sorry. It’s been correctly pointed out to you that she does do things, just very, very slowly. TORTOISES are like that. You do care for her, though, really, even if she’s not the reason you’re never alone. You’ve got online friends, after all. Not a lot, but they’re there. Some of them are only interested in you because you can tell them the future, but that’s okay. It’s not like you tell them the juicy details anyway. If you did that, your friends might never exist.

    No, you’re not talking about your online friends! You’re talking about your future ones. You’ve got the ability to talk to sleeping trolls about 50 sweeps in the future, and several of the trolls you’ve contacted have become your good friends, keeping up a constant stream of comfortable chatter in your head. It’s a bonus for them, too, because they don’t get nightmares when they hitch a ride in your mind! And, of course, they’re more then willing to let you in on all kinds of juicy events in their history and your future.

    That’s not to say there aren’t downsides. You live in constant horror that something you do or say will CHANGE THE FUTURE, and thus erase one of your friends from the fabric of existance itself. This is why you hardly ever leave your hive, only talk to a few people, and are very careful about what you say. You don’t think you could live with yourself if one of your friends went away and it was all your fault.

    As another consequence of your fears, you fight with a nonlethal weapon, aka WHIPKIND. Any troll you cull could have contributed to the genetic slurry of your friends, after all. And even they didn’t contribute to your friends, you know they must have contributed to someone’s! It’s a horrible thing, realizing that every time someone dies on Alternia, people vanish in the future. A horrible, horrible thing. Why, if you didn't keep to yourself, you'd be utterly CRACKED with guilt!

    In your copious freetime you like to READ FANTASY STORIES, preferring the ones intended for SMALL CHILDREN.

    Your trolltag is apatheticOracle and we type in a way that isolates o(u)rselves from others.

  9. #9
    Rai's giver of terrible ideas Skvira's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Skvira View Post
    Be the annoying mustardblood

    ¬)Excuse me?---

    Be the graceful yellow

    ¬)That's better----





    Awesome sprite and AB by DENRIADA GO TELL HER HOW AWESOME THEY ARE

    Your name is Sibyll Alacer.

    As if it wasn't obvious, you are a yellowblood. You would be pretty normal if it weren't for the fact that you love verbally sparring. Being snarky, witty or thoughtful. Asking uncomfortable questions or finding breaks in others people's defenses. You find the art really challenging and fun!
    Unfortunately, many highbloods don't.
    Many sweeps ago, a highblood got annoyed at you and gave you a good beating. You are lucky you weren't culled on the spot, because at the time you were all talk and no fight. You barely knew how to hold a weapon, and were an easy target. That day, everything changed. You decided to learn how to physically defend yourself! While you wondered what weapon you would use- a rifle, a lance, maybe something ridicoulous like dice- you searched for a while until you found a curious ancient book. A book that changed your life.
    See, this book was about fencing- not something like fencing for dummies or anything, though. This book was about learning the full art of fencing. It was an entire method of fighting based about Mathematics and Geometry. With diferent stances and tactics for most kinds of weapons. The second you laid your ocular globes on that beautiful book, you knew it was destined for you.
    Fast forward several sweeps, and a lot has changed about you. First of all, you are a master fencer, capable of besting most trolls in one on one combat using only your rapier. The most foolish of them laugh at your slender sword, comparing it to a mosquito's bite. You prove them wrong by piercing their vascular systems with said "bite". Fencing became your trade and your life. Speaking of mosquitos, your lusus is a rather large one. She is really nice, and after sweeps of listening to her buzz, you find it...annoying as ever. There is no sound more annoying than mosquito buzzing, but she's your lusus! You still like her a lot, though you often wonder... From who or what does she feed?
    A side effect of the book was that it awakened an interest for math and geometry in you. You ocasionally resolve problems just for fun or for a challenge. Especially spacial problems. Those are your favorite! You wonder if you could use that skill for something further in life but for now it's great for saving space in your small hive.
    Fencing practice has given you reflexes and an air of finesse. You move gracefully and with ease- even your personality became more refined and proper as you read the book and dove deeper into it. This has some unforseen consequences, because the blood runing through your hemotubes is not purple, indigo or even blue. It's just a plain yellow. As such, some lowbloods give you some grief for what they see as a betrayal, and highbloods sneer at you and shun you for what they perceive as a cheap and unworthy imitation. Especially with your fancy outfit that you copied from the book. You learned to sew just to make it, but as a yellowblood, your materials were limited. The gold pattern is just cheap string, and everything is secondhand. Many highbloods have laughed at and mocked you because of this. Sometimes, however, your little rapier had the last laugh.
    Not that you hate being a yellowblood or anything. Sure, the materials are crap and most highbloods look down on you, but that's how you were hatched, so you just deal with it. Besides, it comes with a nifty psychic power.
    Your power is a form of tunnel vision. You can become ultra-focused on a single thing. Be it a problem, object or person. You completely block all other stimuli and just visualize your target. In the most extreme cases, your world becomes black, except for the general pattern of the terrain and your target. While this is incredible for fencing or other uses it leaves you vulnerable to any external attack. As such, you use it sparingly or with simple things like math problems.

    Your trolltag is gracefulWits and you speak literally ¬)Wielding your words for sparring----


    MORE AWESOME ART BY DENRIADA


    TL;DR
    Hmm well constructive criticism is always welcome!

    Please excuse the slightly funky writting. English is not my mother tongue and Im not really used to writting long texts in it
    My OOC tag is magnificentMerlion
    Tumblr

  10. #10
    Sylph of Time harlequinNeuroses's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrika View Post
    I'm worried Porima is a little bland. Anyone have crit?

    I don't think bland is the word I'd use to describe Porima- everything you have for her so far is quite interesting and I definitely like her, I just think she could do a bit more fleshing out. If she spends as much time in her hive as you say she does, she probably has interests besides reading children's books and talking to future trolls. Another little hobby or two would go a long way, I think. I'd like to hear a little more about her lusus, too, because what you've said piqued my interest- what does her lusus do (if slowly)? What influence has she had on Porima's life? Stuff like that.

    Also, I guess some of the criticism towards Somnium up there (who I think is interesting as well!) applies here, in that most of her character revolves around her ability. I think giving her a few more interests would counter that, as would fleshing out her love of fantasy stories a bit more. :3



    Aaaand for the sake of not double-posting, I'll stick my own in for critique too. This was my first fantroll and I'd thought of him way before I'd joined the forums, so I wasn't aware at the time that snaketrolls are pretty bloody common (I wasn't think of Ophiuchus either, I swear!). But, uh, hypocritical as this sounds considering the critique I just gave, I'm wondering if his lack of interests is okay? I just don't see him as the kind of person who is really doing anything with his life, and I tried to brainstorm some more interests that would make sense and I got nowhere.

    ======> Be the snaketroll.

    ~now with obnoxiously cute fanart with Andisa Cliona as drawn by antiqueDreamer~


    You are now CITHAR NAGAMA.

    You are SIX AND 1/2 SWEEPS OLD, and you are just about the CHILLEST DUDE EVER. You spend about 99% of your time in your HIVE, and as much of that time as possible SLEEPING. You love to sleep more than anything, only partially because of that TOTALLY AWESOME PLACE you get to visit in your dreams. You have this weird attraction to SHINY OBJECTS and your hive is full of them, mostly trinkets left behind from trolls your LUSUS ate. But we'll get to that.

    When you're not sleeping, chances are you're PLAYING GUITAR. You love your guitar and you are SURPRISINGLY GOOD AT IT, considering how little effort you put into it. You like to WRITE SONGS WITH LONG, MEANINGLESS TITLES and the rest of the trolls in your apartment-hive used to come over to listen. That is, until most of the trolls living in your apartment-hive got eaten by your LUSUS. Who we will get to.

    You are NOT VERY GOOD AT TALKING TO OTHER TROLLS. Probably because you get out so little, and don't spend nearly as much time on Trollian as most trolls your age. You do have a couple of FRIENDS who bug you to get online more often, but you don't really listen to them. You don't really listen to ANYONE. You're usually really CHILL and RELAXED, but that's mostly because you DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. If something manages to harsh your mellow- and that's pretty difficult- you GET RID OF IT, no matter what that entails. In fact, your apartment-hive is COMPLETELY EMPTY except for you- your lusus ate most of the other occupants, and then you killed the ones who were left to complain about it. You are OKAY WITH THIS. Occasionally you like to go sleep in one of the other abandoned hives in your building. You know, for VARIETY.

    Now, to your lusus- he doesn't have a name, as far as you know, but you call him JORMUN. He is a huge snake who used to take up most of your hive, though now that the rest of the apartment-hive is empty you just let him roam on his own. He tries to eat you occasionally but you don't care, he is still the CHILLEST DUDE EVER. He likes your music better than anyone, and whenever you play he slithers over to listen. The only reason you're still alive is you can placate Jormun with THE POWER OF MUSIC. He is also the reason you have never met any of your friends offline- he EATS ANY TROLL WHO COMES CLOSE. You don't think he needs to, he just seems to like it, and you don't really mind.

    You've built up a reputation as a PRETTY SCARY DUDE. You don't understand why. You are obviously the CHILLEST DUDE EVER, body count notwithstanding.

    Your blood color is bright green, which is considered lower-middle class, which is how you wound up in an apartment-hive to begin with. You don't mind, though. The color reminds you of SOPOR SLIME, which reminds you of SLEEPING. You do eat the sopor slime every once and a while, though. It gives you CRAZY GOOD INSPIRATION for your music.

    Your family symbol is the ouroboros.

    You have quite a few strife specibuses lying around- it's one of those things you collect from the trolls your lusus kills. However, the only one you use with any regularity is fangKind. Who needs an actual weapon with teeth like yours? You have the chord fetch modus- to retrieve an item, you must play a specific chord on your guitar. You usually empty your syllabus before you play a song, else everything tends to go flying in every direction.

    If you should ever play Sgrub- and considering you're a Prospit dreamer and have been for as long as you can remember, you're pretty much destined to- you will be the Prince of Dreams in the Land of Fog and Venom.

    Your troll tag is indolentAdder and you ~~~< tend to ssspeak...a bit like your lusssusss...but very...ssslowly...
    Last edited by harlequinNeuroses; 07-22-2011 at 05:27 PM.

  11. #11
    Titans? Fuck that n-ise. Ocfos's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Well, critique away.


    >Be the rubber clad troll.

    Wait- what..?

    >Be the static troll.

    Muzh better.



    Your name is Chasic Pekkuh and you're obviously a redblood, a 7,5-sweep old dark-redblood at that.
    You like to spend time with your friends when they can, sadly you cannot touch them as that would end up with them being horribly electrocuted.
    Due to twisted genetic experiments made on you a few sweeps ago by that horrifying indigoblood who took advantage of the hemospectrum and replaced your entire skeleton with refined silicon, you passively build up charges of electricity, sadly you can't actually keep this charge under control and that's the reason you've begun wearing rubber clothes, gloves and boots. Said silicon skeleton also makes you slightly magnetic, it's possible that he didn't just use just one material for the whole experiment.

    Your hive is located in a mountainside overlooking the outskirts of one of the biggest cities on Alternia, you sometimes head into the city but you try to keep a fair distance from people seen as sparks sometimes jump if they get too close. But in a big city, jolting people who get too close to you might be a good thing.

    Your interests are boring, at least that's what most other people think of them. You spend a lot of time studying astrology, paranormality and archaeology, it's slightly hard when you're a redblood though seen as you barely got any money to get new things to study with, hell, you don't even have a telescope yet!

    Your trollTag is energeticThunderjolt and Your wordz can zometimez zound rather *BZZT* ztatic. X8(

    >Chasic: Check on lusus.


    Everything of importance is in the spoiler below.
    Currently on pesterchum as tiresomeKleptomaniac - Throw Khia Nemensi a pester! c:

  12. #12
    Too many voices TobiasMoon's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    here's the troll that i made, though he's the first i've ever made, so he's not great.

  13. #13
    Shockingly human. Alyss's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    whoops here i am again






    Welp lookit these two bozos. There are a few things I'm mainly worried about:

    >Both: Are their stories ridiculous?
    >Both: Are the sprites wonky?
    >Hekkiko: Did I make her too weak?
    -at night.

  14. #14
    is a capybara. momatoes's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Thunder Reign View Post
    I'll step up to the plate with Balora! Things I'm concerned about in particular:
    -I tried to make a seadweller with a vision xfold power that wasn't an automatic Mary Sue. Do you think I succeeded, or is his power still dumb?
    -Is his story, well, believable?
    -Are there any flaws with his personality I should work on?
    -Are those horns simply ridiculous?


    Your name is BALORA XOLOTL.

    PROFILE:
    Hullo. I like his psychic power, though I'm a bit iffy on him having inherited it from his lusus. How would this even work? Him being a royalblood would make him resistant to psychic powers - so inheritance by osmosis is something that I would rule out as somewhat unlikely. I think this is the biggest hurdle to making him a believable character. Personally I think this is difficult to reconcile, though the rest of his personality holds up well.

    Aside from that, excellent backstory. I've read Balora's profile when it was first posted and I really commend it. Having him revert to a peaceful troll seems to be a bit overmuch, though. Though I guess this depends on the interpretation on how he reacted to the tragedy of the yellowblood's death. Did the regret empower him? Or did it completely crush him to hopelessness? Perhaps I'm a cynic, but I believe that the latter would be more likely. At least, I'm not sure if it's realistic for him to be so completely peace-loving. The wandering and the samaritan acts are reasonable, but the gift-giving, coming from someone with sweeps of avarice and some such stuff, makes the cake too sweet (oh hey i just invented a new metaphor).

    The horns are fine, but shouldn't they have snapped off from the deep sea water pressure? (man i love water pressure /jk)

    I hope this helped, and it's just my opinion mostly so you don't have to feel pressure to change anything.



    Quote Originally Posted by Katrika View Post
    I'm worried Porima is a little bland. Anyone have crit?

    > Be the weird girl.




    I don't think she's bland at all! In fact I think her powers are interesting. But I think you can step up the plate some more. Does she form obsessions over her future friends? Does she start telling her online friends not to cull any other troll they meet? Or does she completely abandon her present friends in favor of the ones in her head? You've answered these questions to some extent, which is good! But so far it feels like the stuff in the profile is a compromise between weirdness and trying to make her still sound 'normal'.

    You can make her deeper by fully exploring the ramifications of her power. She never doubts that she has friends from the future - does this make her gullible? How does she deal with the difference in time? 50 sweeps is an absurdly large number (to me, though this is workable) and there's bound to be some massive disconnects seeing as the young carry Alternian culture and there is no continuity of history assuming that the same system of adults going off to war continues. Does this cultivate in her a deep interest of foreign languages and cultures?

    I'd just like to address another point, and it's that her last (and only!) listed interest seems a bit too arbitrary. Why fantasy stories? And small children, in particular? I think what you're trying to aim for here is to show off her implied naivete and youthful mindset, but the profile can greatly benefit from adding other supporting details.






    Also, is it just me or people are just dumping things in here

    I mean, please try to help others before hoping for help yourselves

    also sorry this is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction so don't take it personally
    Last edited by momatoes; 07-22-2011 at 09:44 PM.
    Hey there.

  15. #15
    Shockingly human. Alyss's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by harelquinnNeuroses
    Also, I guess some of the criticism towards Somnium up there (who I think is interesting as well!) applies here, in that most of her character revolves around her ability. I think giving her a few more interests would counter that, as would fleshing out her love of fantasy stories a bit more. :3
    ...........................

    somnium has a penis.

    Quote Originally Posted by TobiasMoon View Post
    here's the troll that i made, though he's the first i've ever made, so he's not great.
    Welcome to the Trollslum Threads, broski! Aight, now here we go:

    He lives in the tundra, right? I think he should be wearing some heavier clothing than just a jacket, like a fur coat maybe, and some snow boots n' pants. And, the sprite looks kinda tiny compared to the basic ones.

    Also, maybe you could elaborate on his personality a little more? Like, is he mean, optimistic, easily angered... Tell us what he's like! And, some more information on that force field power would be cool. Things like, how effective it is, is there a certain amount of time he can hold it before getting worn out.


    (PS i really like the snowblindness thing. don't think I've seen that before with winter/snow/coldplace trolls before! :>)
    -at night.

  16. #16
    Sylph of Time harlequinNeuroses's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Alyss View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by harelquinnNeuroses
    Also, I guess some of the criticism towards Somnium up there (who I think is interesting as well!) applies here, in that most of her character revolves around her ability. I think giving her a few more interests would counter that, as would fleshing out her love of fantasy stories a bit more. :3
    ...........................

    somnium has a penis.
    Her was supposed to refer to Pomina. :3 My bad if it didn't sound that way!

    Quote Originally Posted by Ocfos View Post
    I really want to learn more about these twisted genetic experiments of which you speak. The concept here is definitely interesting, but I feel like I'm not getting enough information. I would like to hear more about her hobbies, too- they don't seem boring in the least! How does she study them if she can't buy necessary equipment? I assume she's very well-read.

    Does she have any lingering resentment for highbloods or the hemospectrum because of the experiments done on her? Or because her place on the hemospectrum makes it hard for her to follow her passions?

    Oh, also, about her lusus- I get that the picture sort of speaks for itself, but I'd still like to know what happened there. xD

  17. #17
    Vulcan Renegade Captain Whosit's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Reposting since I didn't realize this was here (even if it's too late):

    @OO: Not a bad bio. I kind of suggest making your troll's blood color a bit brighter. Until just now, I thought there was no symbol at all. Could you elaborate on the heat vision, though? That sounds like a power, and a troll of the sea dweller caste should probably not have a power. Minor nitpicks: It sounds like her hive is underwater, so how does the telescope work? Also, she would wake up early in the evening (trolls are nocturnal).

    I do think that needing the glasses on land is a bit interesting. Mopkind is funny, too.
    Read my, and PrussianMoose's, webcomic: The Adventures of the Great Captain Maggie!

    Quotes from the ancient times:

  18. #18
    Sibyl of Thought octopusOracle's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Whosit View Post
    Reposting since I didn't realize this was here (even if it's too late):

    @OO: Not a bad bio. I kind of suggest making your troll's blood color a bit brighter. Until just now, I thought there was no symbol at all. Could you elaborate on the heat vision, though? That sounds like a power, and a troll of the sea dweller caste should probably not have a power. Minor nitpicks: It sounds like her hive is underwater, so how does the telescope work? Also, she would wake up early in the evening (trolls are nocturnal).

    I do think that needing the glasses on land is a bit interesting. Mopkind is funny, too.
    Thanks! And does it really need to be brighter? maybe it's just my screen is really bright because I could see it fine haha! But I'll see what I can do. And I guess I didn't consider the heat vision as much of a power and more of a.. convenient adaptation xD since it's not some kind of mental or psychic power. And hm...I would assume Alternia has some kind of underwater telescopes :3 (although to be honest I didn't even think about that lol). And good point about the evening part! I'll change it :B and yeah I saw mopkind on the official strife specubus thingy and I just had to pick it haha.

    Phew this was my first troll so I'm really glad she doesn't totally suck I tried to make her sweet and cute without making her some should've-been-dead-long-ago kawaii troll but without some obnoxious "I'm cute BUT ILL KILL U AND ULL NEVA EXPECT IT LOL" personality. So I made her some ditsy scientist who casually wants to sew people's limbs on wrong and inject their blood with experimental chemicals, without even realizing that's wrong. Which is pretty scary when you think about it haha.

  19. #19
    Sibyl of Thought octopusOracle's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    I'll just go ahead and repost my troll in here so others can critque it too without having to go to the other thread :]


    >Be the ditsy scientist



    Your name is EURYAL TARLUT.
    You are one of the SEA DWELLERS of your race. Your blood color is DEEP PURPLE. You are very proud of the fact you are a HIGHBLOOD, but try not to show it. You have CURLY HAIR and one of your horns is a NUB, due to an incident with your LUSUS when you were younger. You are 6 sweeps old.

    Your biggest interest is PAINTING, although you are PRETTY TERRIBLE at it; because of this you are almost always covered in paint. Since you’re so MESSY, you rarely bother with the FANCY CLOTHES most sea dwellers wear, since they’ll just get messed up anyways. Your other interests include spending your spare time observing the DYNAMICS OF THE UNIVERSE and creating SCIENTIFIC THEORIES. Naturally you have a rather large TELESCOPE in your room. Your biggest dream would be to study ALIEN LIFEFORMS, but until then you like to study land insects as you find them FASCINATING. You often perform ODD EXPIRIMENTS on these creatures, and would secretly like to experiment on LAND DWELLERS as well. You live MUCH DEEPER underwater than most sea dwellers as you have an especially strong HATRED for heat, and prefer to be cold all the time. Since your eyes are so accustomed to the dark water, you need special GLASSES whenever you go on land, and you have also developed HEAT VISION. You love WRITING, but rarely have the ambition to actually WRITE ANYTHING. You are OPTIMISTIC and TOO NICE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, which pisses of your MOIRAIL immensely. Because of your kindness your moirail has been teaching you how to FIGHT, with semi-successful results. You don’t have many friends because your moirail is very POSESSIVE, and she is also your only friend that you have ever met in person. You are extremely DITSY and easily amused, which causes most people to assume you are kind of RETARDED. You also love FROLICKING AIMLESSLY and EXPLORING, and hate wearing SHOES. In fact, you seem to love anything involving DISCOVERY and CREATION. You like to wake up EARLY every evening to get the maximum amount of pointless things done. You believe in MAGIC, but this is probably just because of your OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION. You live in a TINY CASTLE in the middle of a rather large fish habitat. You like to FEED the fishes several times a day. Your lusus is a JELLYFISH, and you love her dearly. She is big enough so that you can ride her around, which has been one of your favorite activities since you were little. She also protects you due to how WEAK you are.

    Your Strife Specibus is MOPKIND, mostly because you think they look like jellyfish.
    You are a very CURIOUS girl, and tend to speak qu?te ?nqu?s?t?vely. Your trolltag is enticingInvertebrate.

  20. #20
    Insani's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Insani View Post
    Alright, I'm rewriting my first fantroll. (Third time. )

    http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread...=1#post5183375

    Last version is there.

    -----------------------



    Your name is Fortoo Numsum. You are exactly seven sweeps old. You have some friends, though most trolls are instantly repulsed by your asshole behavior. You're a bit of an asshole. You don't mean to be, though. You have everyone's best interests at heart, really! You just get a bit angry sometimes.

    You tend to get really pissed sometimes, during these times you tend to enjoy destroying things. Normally, you hunt large animals for food, work with technology, which you are relatively good at, as your BIGSECT / WOLFBEAST crossbreed of a lusus forces you to repair electronic devices that you break.

    You are moderately intelligent and are a quick learner. You wield the axekind specibi, and you wield two axes that you make sure to poison the blades off before you go off into combat. Your lusus happens to be part BIGSECT, and a poisonous species of BIGSECT at that. It's poisons are fatal within two hours, and you make sure to keep an antidote to it at all times.

    You live in an abandoned city, deep within a jungle. Hundreds of sweeps ago, it was destroyed in an... 'explosive' incident. Since then, trees have grown over it, covering it from view. Most of the buildings are completely wrecked, but you've managed to repair some of the city's systems with your technological skills, to provide you with some basic comforts. Nobody lives there besides you and your lusus.

    Your fetch modus is the BATTLE Fetch Modus, which spawns a dangerous creature for you to fight, every time you want to retrieve an item. It is actually pretty useful, and you use it mostly for training, though the monsters' strength hasn't increased as fast as your own has.

    You spend your nights patrolling your personal city, you know that no troll will ever find this place and the monsters are easy kills, but still, it helps you feel safe. You sometimes repair old technology you find, and sweeps of work have allowed you to get electricity, news, and other nice additions, although very glitchy.

    You aren't that bad a guy, really, you just tend to have some anger problems. You really can be a noble leader, and if you were ever the leader of a SGRUB session, you would have everyone's best interests at heart, possibly making sacrifices to save your comrades.

    Your trolltag is fortyTwo and you m4y come off 42 4n 422hole, but you 4re 4ctu4lly quite noble.
    Criticism please?
    "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain

    I'm on as intelligentInsanity. Pester me. Chats for the Chat God.

  21. #21

    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Orichalcon
    >Be the bomber.

    No sprite, would kill for one

    Your name is Nitrous Brisance, and you have been a thorn in the side of your community for 7.85 sweeps. Your blood is somewhere between blue and indigo, which would normally earn you a fair bit of goodwill. However, the unusual way your lusus, a wolflike humanoid, raised you turned you into the opposite of a healthy member of troll society; you yourself preferring to aid lower-blooded trolls against the vicious racism of your fellow highbloods. However, this does not mean that you are not a capable fighter; quite the opposite, actually. You are a masterful HAND-TO-HAND FIGHTER, having been taught by your lusus in combat for hunting and defence. Your specialty is kicking attacks. Due to this, your main interest has become VIGILANTISM.

    You have also honed your skills at PILOTING TWO-WHEELED VEHICLES. After finding an old BIWHEELED RIDE MACHINE at an older temple in the outskirts of your city, you began to train yourself to pilot the thing. It was a long and difficult montage, but you are now capable of reacting to vigilante situations at high speeds.

    Also wind in your haaaaaaaair

    You are a remarkably tall troll for your age, about 6'4", and are fairly well-built as well, showing impressive definition. You would call yourself strong. Not STRONG, but strong. Your hair is of a normal length, your horns long and thin, ending in little tufts. They resemble fuses. Your symbol is a bomb with the fuse arranged to make the whole thing a B.

    And now for your bad habit.

    Ever since you were young, you’ve been fascinated by explosions. Explosions of all kinds. Your childhood was marked by homemade bombs that destroyed many a highblood persecutor. You love to watch the arcs of flame and shrapnel blow away all around it, something that neither your lusus nor your community supports. However, you don't care. The BOOM! is waiting!

    If only you could make a reusable bomb...

    Your chumhandle is ThermiteRider and you have a habit of capitalizing words of IMPORTANCE and ending your sentences with a bangBANG.
    Last edited by Orichalcon; 07-23-2011 at 01:31 AM.
    Sage of Rage in the [COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]Land of Quarry and Tranquility[/COLOR].
    Your chumHandle is ThermiteRider

  22. #22
    Sibyl of Thought octopusOracle's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    @Insani
    I like him Although, I have noticed the whole "asshole" thing is used pretty often, although in troll culture that makes sense, but still maybe think of some other words? Just because I tend to see a lot of male trolls described as just assholes xD

    I really like your fetch modus it's unique and that combined with living in a monster invested abandoned jungle city is a good reason for him to be really strong and have superior survival skills (but a bit lacking in social skills), which goes with how you described him nicely

  23. #23
    Insani's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    @OctopusOracle

    Well... heatvision, what is that? It seems extremely unlikely for a highblood to obtain psychic powers.

    Also, try separating the subjects into different paragraphs next time you make a fantroll, it's much more... enjoyable to read, rather than one large mess.

    Otherwise she's pretty good, although she seems extremely nice in a dangerous sort of way.
    "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -Mark Twain

    I'm on as intelligentInsanity. Pester me. Chats for the Chat God.

  24. #24
    emptiness and Chasewithlasers's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    I have decided to critique fucking EVERYTHING, but that is going to take a veeery long while, and if only the first three took some time, the rest are going to be pretty time-consuming... so have what I wrote for now.

    @Thunder Reign:



    @Katrika



    @Skvira



    @harlequinNeuroses



    What I want to say in general, for everyone, is that every little detail is important. What makes an endearing character are the little traits, their pet peeves, their interests, the way they treat specific situations, their phobias, etc, just in the same way as we find a person to be more interesting than the other.
    The main spots where I'd like to say something are the Lusus and Fetch Modus, the first being the most important.
    Remember one thing while writing or thinking about the Lusus: the fanon terms such as 'Crabdad', 'Seahorsedad', etc, aren't there just to be cute. The Lusus is not only the guardian of the troll, but pretty much the only family a troll has, and the main being that will teach their troll about everything they must know about life in Alternia, and probably how to read and such things like that, who knows. With that said, Lusus personality changes a lot about a troll. I'm not going to go too far on talking about this, mostly because it's 9 in the morning and I woke up almost a day ago.
    Now, Fetch Modus is also very important, because it can change some very important things, specially if we are talking about fantrolls that will be used in SGRUB sessions and such (and I suppose that mostly are made to be used in sessions). A wonky modus (like Pictionary) can open doors to different forms of humor, a hard-to-use modus (like Encryption) can make a troll angrier or be a giant obstacle on his inventory use, a specific modus (like Chastity) can contribute to the plot, etc.
    Always remember that, if you want to be THE VERY BEST (cue Pokemon music here), every little detail must be taken in account.

    /me takes off nerd glasses and goes to sleep
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  25. #25
    Seeker of Joy antiqueDreamer's Avatar
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    Re: FANTROLL CRITIQUE THREAD: No, Seriously, We Would Like To Help You Out Here

    Allow me to post my first fantroll.

    >Be the romance-stupid troll.



    You are ANDISA CLIONA, and you are 6.5 SWEEPS young. Although your blood color appears to be pink, it is a faded MAUVE-ISH COLOR (Hue 0, #804040), placing you in the lower ranks of the Hemospectrum. Not like it matters to you.

    You are a fan of ROMANCE stories. This is where the "romance-stupid" part comes in: You refuse to acknowledge blackrom. You see any sort of relationship as RED. However, this does not make you immune to negative emotions so you have likely fallen into the black with a few, yourself. Ironic.

    As for personality, you tend to be a conflicting mixture of TIMID but CHEERFUL. You are constantly flushed over any troll you meet that you find ATTRACTIVE, thus you are also SHALLOW. When your advances are rejected, however, you may turn VIOLENT. Flirting takes effort, dammit!

    You have the ability of TELEPATHY, but you rarely use it since you don't feel like it.
    In fact, you spend a fair bit of your time in your hive reading romantic stories and daydreaming.
    Your Lusus is a SWAN. Because of that, you've lived a relatively calm 6.5 solar sweeps so long as you didn't piss her off. You learned the hard way.

    You enjoy to watch your friends/neighbors ROLE PLAY. You are too shy to participate, so you observe and run rampant with speculations and shippings. Sometimes you try to interfere, what a nuisance.

    Your trolltag is lovestruckAlways and you ❤~~Type with a stupidly elaborate format, but it's so pretty❢ ❧

    Oh, and your SYMBOL is a FLORAL HEART.

    (For the image I drew, it's either my avatar or this[Spoilered 'cause it's HUEG])
    Any concrit please? I feel like I made her too bland of a character, and I'd like to know how to improve her and give her some more of a..personality! Because of that I've even found it difficult to RP as her without knowing where to even start. Soyeah...

    Also, her typing quirk. Any other suggestions? Because while the shinyheartythings are pretty and all, I'm thinking it's actually looking kinda....silly.
    Trolltags~ Pester me on Pesterchum for RP c: // My DeviantArt~ // I have a Tumblr too, now?!

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