Sburbia [TEXT ADVENTURE]

[LordHyper]

>CHEFDAD : :flip- *nabbed*

What's going on? One minute you're cooking and the next everything goes dark! Was this the thing that CARADAD fellow was talking about? Why are there ashes everywhere... and... behind you....

You smack whatever's behind you with a FRYING PAN. The creature looks sort of imp-ish, but has weird looking ears. However, the creature didn't get hurt by it. It's as if it was made up of a SOFT PILLOWY MATERIAL. But that's ridiculous. Everything's ridiculous. In fact, this is probably a dream, and that thing is just a nightmare. A NIGHTMARE THAT MUST BE DESTROYED. You quickly run over to a nearby table where a KNIFE is sitting... when you get ambushed by another creature. Gracious, where are these things coming from?

You are now BILL, and you think nothing's happening. That's how ignorant you are. What will you do?

==>

[Lazro]

>Decide nothing is happening. Name the place you're in the LAND OF ASH AND SUNSET.

[LordHyper]

>Decide nothing is happening. Name the place you're in the LAND OF ASH AND SUNSET.

Yup, it's probably nothing. You hear that? That's the sound of nothing happening. Definitely. You take in your surroundings, deciding an official name. ...Alright, from now on this is the LAND OF ASH AND SUNSET. After all, other than you, Kikasprite, and Chefdad, there's probably no sentient beings here, so official naming processes go to you. Now then... who shall be king of this place? You of course! You shall be the first ever emperor of this land! You shall be the ruler of this shitty pile of ashes! MWAHAHAHAHA!

...Huh, it sounded way better in your head.

==>

[Lazro]

>Pester anyone who's on.

ALTERNATIVELY:

>Be the CHEFDAD.

[LordHyper]

>Pester anyone who's on

You proceed to do so. Turns out, everyone except Alfred, Julia, and Caspian is currently on and chatting.

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EG: Guys! Guess where I am!
MF: You too???
CW: CHECK IT THE MOTHERFUCK OUT. The fatty has joined too!
CW: Bring out the wicked elixir and motherfucking celebrate!
EG: All of you are somewhere weird too?
RT: Yeah.
RT: I'm somewhere In the sky, and there's lots of cool stuff floating around.
RT: Pretty weIrd, but I sort of lIke It.
RT: Except for the monsters.
EG: Monsters!?
MF: There'''s monsters swarming all over our places!!!
LE: Lot's of s-s-scary monsters broke in! Julia and Alfred's trying to fight them!
LE: And our sprite...
LE: Um...
LE: He's no help.
CW: Heh. I'm not there yet, but once I get there, I will cull all those motherfuckers!
CE: Not here yet either!
CE: Oh gosh! I need to get going! CHOO CHOO! All aboard!
AF: Hi guys!
RT: NIce to see you're alIve!
CW: I'm not. This means more competition to secure my quadrant.
LE: What?
CW: Nothing. =0)
AF: I just got to my rrrealm. I'm prrretty high up...
RT: CelIa! Be careful of the monsters there! You too BIll!

...Oh god, what monsters?

Now that you think about it, shouldn't you hear your CHEFDAD cooking instead of the abstract sound of nothing?

Oh no. OH NO OH NO OH NO! Ha, don't worry. Let's just chill out with these stupid cracker-

Oh fuck, you're out of crackers.

YOU'RE OUT OF CRACKERS.

>Be the CHEFDAD

You cannot be CHEFDAD because MOTHER is too busy being CARADAD who is too busy being GAMZEE, who is also CLUBS DEUCE but he's actually ESKIBRO right now!

You are currently high up in the sky on top of towers. What will you do?

==>

[Lazro]

>Peer down.

[LordHyper]

>Peer down.

You see a shining yet faint light blue circle. Surrounding it is acres of very sharp spikes that will kill you even if you somehow slow down in the fall. So...

Are you crazy enough to jump? Well, THE ANSWER IS YES! SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!

Well, he's probably going to die. Probably. Who do you want to be?

==>

[Lazro]

>Be the spike.

[LordHyper]

>Be the spike.

You are now A SPIKE.

You have been waiting for this moment for your entire life. Skeletons have been impaling themselves for years on your brethren, but they don't die. They don't die a gooey death. But now's your chance. For the first time ever, a human will be impaled, spreading his blood everywhere, blessing all the spikes that were hit by it. And you. You shall be the one to make the first impaling. This is going to happen man, it's going to-

Oh god damnit he fell into the portal. And you had your hopes up for nothing.

Who do you want to be now?

==>

[Lazro]

>Be ESKIBRO again.

[LordHyper]

>Be ESKIBRO again.

You cannot be ESIBRO right now because CLUBS DEUCE wants to be SISTER instead.

For some reason, your house and parts of the surrounding forest was teleported to some sort of city. Unfortunately, the house spawned on top of a skyscraper. If you were doing the teleporting, you would have teleported it to the ground. Then again, who was going to stop the meteor? Not your sister surely.

What will you do?

==>

[Lazro]

>Wonder who this "ESIBRO" is.

[LordHyper]

>Wonder who this "ESIBRO" is.

Why are you suddenly thinking this. Wait... you're remembering something from your past.... Oh yes, the GODDAMN KARAOKE CONTEST....

MF: He shot down Prospit'''s moon,,, and rose with the Green Sun,,,
ESKIBRO: Stay away from Jack or you'll be in his stabbing fun,
SISTER: Run for your fucking lives, you'll never know what hit you...
ALL: We are the members of the Skaian Crew!

Oh yes, you had a contest with your sister and a parka'd fellow to see who can sing We Are the Skaian Crew the best. An ancestral song brought by the carapace people and has been reformatted for karaoke enjoyment. Except there was no enjoyment, oh no. Instead there was loud singing, the breaking of ears, and eventually, a destroyed living room. But it was fun while it lasted.

You wonder what happened to that ESKIBRO fellow. He was pretty cool, but a bit crazy. In fact, he contributed to 60% of the destruction.

==>

[Lazro]

>See who "Esibro" is. Be ESIBRO.

[LordHyper]

>See who "Esibro" is. Be ESIBRO.

You are now ESIBRO, another random civilian, and OH GOD YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

...Oh, you wanted ESKIBRO? Well, you have to be more clearer next time. ...Huh? Oh, Clubs Deuce decided to stop being ESKIBRO and decided to be GAMZEE instead.

You are currently in a POCKET. There is no way out. There's a lot of computers in the room, which you use to, as one certain peasantblood might say, PUT IRONS IN THE FIRE, and to communicate with your adorable human. What will you do?

==>

[anacreon]

>Talk with human and slam a faygo since there isnt much else to do.

[LordHyper]

>Talk with human and slam a faygo since there isnt much else to do.

Why would you talk to Conrada? She doesn't need help! You've been teaching her your ways. She totally got this shit down. As for faygo, you only have the code for it. There's no Alchemiter in this place. Gog. This insubordination makes you angry. You're so gonna cull the motherfucker that built this place. You need your miraculous fix man.

....

What's that Cal? You want some miracle elixir? Sorry bud, you can't have any.

==>

[Lazro]

>Cal: Be the PUPPET.

[LordHyper]

>Cal: Be the PUPPET.

You can totally handl-

HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Kill em' all. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Kill them dead. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Tick tock. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Tick tock. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Break heads. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Strangle. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Murder. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Show them your stabs. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO Honk honk. HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO 8r8 H34DS HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO-

Let's... go back to being Gamzee. Take my word for it.

==>

[Lazro]

>Be the Gamzee.

[HalfMatch]

>Be Clubs Deuce

[LordHyper]

>Be Clubs Deuce

You are currently single-handedly dragging Celia back to her tower. Oof! She's more heavier than she looks! You hope she survives the meteor!

>Be the Gamzee

You are the Gamzee again and...

...What. Great, that guy's messaging you again. Fine, let's go talk to him...

PESTERLOG:

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I presume Nikola entered the Medium, correct?

==>

[Lazro]

>Highlight the empty space. See what HAPENS.........

[LordHyper]

PESTERLOG:

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I presume Nikola entered the Medium, correct?
What am I saying? Of course he did. It is pre-destined after all.
It would be a shame to have such an important pawn die so early in my chess game.
Now, before you talk to me, I wish that you not say 'motherf*****'.
Not only is it rude, but I do not have a true mother and therefore the word has no meaning.
Alright. Now you may speak.
SN: hey
SN: WHAT'S NEXT MO-
SN: um
SN: DOUCHEBAG?
Oh dear. It seems that I have left a loophole in my condition.
SN: look
SN: WHAT STUPID THING THAT I HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR INSUFFERABLE PRICK ASS NOW?
Make sure he lives up to his title. That is all I have to ask of you right now.
SN: fine
SN: BUT IF YOU FORGET MY END OF THE BARGAIN, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SMASH YOUR CUE BALL SKULL, SPRINKLING THE VANILLA MILKSHAKE GOODNESS FROM WITHIN, WHICH WILL FEED YOUR MISERABLE GANG.
SN: then i'll subjugglate your entire gang
SN: EVERY SINGLE LAST OF THOSE ASSHOLES
SN: are you glad i didn't say motherf-er? :0)
That sounds very terrifying, but I doubt that you can get out of that nasty pocket you pulled yourself into. Then again, my end of the bargain is getting you out of there in the first place, rendering your threat very useless.
SN: SHUT UP WITH YOUR FANCY WORDS AND SHIT.
Goodbye.
SN: wait
SN: DON'T LEAVE!
SN: cal's cool and all, but he's the only guy i have to talk-
SN: ...AND YOU MOTHERFUCKING LEFT. GREAT.

God you hate this guy. But he's your only ticket out of this place.

==>

[Lazro]

>Rip him in half, insert one half of him inside a slot marked "OUTBOUND," and leave.