Sebastian: Throw your brother at the bartender. I'm sure he'll figure something out.
Sebastian: Throw your brother at the bartender. I'm sure he'll figure something out.
Legend of the Hunter - 10
The hoarz horse bombardement does not cease for what seems like an eternity. One would be completely justified in calling this phenomenon an EQUINE EMISSION. It is a feat of sheer BARTENDING STRENGTH only matched in its CRUELTY TOWARDS ANIMALS. Just how much of this AIRBORNE CAVALRY does the bartender have in stock? YOU CANNOT HOPE TO COMPREHEND.
Quit yer starin' and thinkin', smartypants
I'm taking all the damage here
I'm poppin' numbers all over the goddamn place
NUMBERS SEBASTIAN FUCKING NUMBERS
That's were I draw the line, dammit
You hesitate just a moment. A giant like this seems INVINCIBLE, protected by both merciless neighing projectiles and a tough shell of BARTENDER BLUBBER. You focus, trying to take in the whole picture. There must be a weakness...
Now, it is your brother's turn! He quickly takes action...That's what the gauges do: once they fill up, they allow combination attacks! The special abilities of the TACTICIAN that every KNIGHT-ERRANT possesses allow to combine several maneuvers in a specific way. FOCUS, for example, always exploits an enemy's weakness.
And now we see Gwydian's special combat mode in action...
Fuck ah fuck fuck... Quick Time Events.
Graaaaah get those fuckin button prompts off me
Who thought this shit was a good idea
Fuck you bro I didn't have to deal with this as an NPC
C-can you actually DO that quicktime event? o_o
Uh, if not; DEVELOPER CONSOLE THING! Change his special combat mode to something... less impossible.
>What sort of tough guy is afraid of buttons? Not a very tough one, that's what. Press those buttons, young man!
This image of avatar excellence was brought to you by MrPeach32, with greeny bits by ashdenej. Pretty much the only part I did was this signature.
>punch qte in the snout
Legend of the Hunter - 11
I'm not gonna back down because of fuckin buttons
You're not the boss of me, QTEs!
Okay, I feel silly now
I'll try that code you have there
Anything's better than swatting flying buttons
This seems strange... It's almost as if the game accessed developer mode by itself. I didn't know it could do that. I mean, surely Gwydian can't do that. He's an in-game character, right?
In a FLURRY OF VIOLENCE, Gwydian leaps towards the stunned bartender, taking advantage of the devastating blow that you have dealt. His momentum and his sheer determination give him the leverage he needs to perform his MOST DEVASTATING BRAWLBILITY...
THE PILLAGER'S PILEDRIVER. The apex of the MUGGER'S MARTIAL ARTS. As the bandits of ancient times had discovered, the solution to most mugging-related problems was APPLYING THEIR VICTIM'S HEADS TO SOLID SURFACES. And, thus, the Pillager's Piledriver was born.
Perfect for a Jeering Thug such as your brother.
It's wisdom I've lived by up to this day
When in doubt
The BLUBBERY EXTERIOR of your bartending foe is no match for the overwhelming force of the Banishing Barrage. With combined techniques, you and your brother knock out the giant. The few angry drunks left quickly reconsider. You are the undisputed KING OF BAR BRAWLS, and no-one can deny your supremacy on the subject.
YOU HAVE DEFEATED 1 OUT OF 10 LEGENDARY BARTENDERS.
YOUR BAR TAB LIMIT ROSE BY 10 GENERIC COLLECTIBLES.
YOU GAINED 124 ARBITRARY UNITS COUNTING TOWARDS YOUR IMPROVEMENT OF COMBAT PERFORMANCE.
GWYDIAN LEARNED BRAWLBILITY 'WILLIE PETE'S WALLOPING'!
YOU GAIN +2 EMPATHY TOWARDS HORSES.
And that's that.
What to do now? Guards are sure to arrive soon, and you still have to find a clue towards the ULTIMATE WEAPON FOR BATTLING DEMONS...
> chest hair: turn out to have been a symbiotic demon!
Legend of the Hunter - 12
Stopping Gwydian from being fucking stupid.
Gwahaha the lardass is down
Let's glue his chesthair to his ears or something
Leave him in awkward positions
Kick him in the rips some more
Or ooooh I know let's burn down that stupid inn of his
NO, BAD GWYDIAN, BAD GWYDIAN
After more or less stopping Gwydian from making EVEN MORE horrible mistakes in front of many, many eyewitnesses, you wait a short while for the bartender to REGAIN HIS SENSES. Wasting no time, you express your deepest regret for all the trouble, your brother is a useless fuck, you'd be happy to compensate A LITTLE BIT for any damages, and don't take this the wrong way but you kinda hoped you'd know anything about an ULTIMATE WEAPON.
The bartender, impressed by your straightforwardness and SOOTHING GESTURES, doesn't hold a grudge. He admits he kinda flew off the handle. Mistakes were made. Horses were thrown. He implores you to understand that, after a long day of hard work, even the smallest annoyance can cause a man to REACH FOR THE HOARZ HORSE.
He offers you a QUEST HOOK, of which they only have the finest brands available. It seems that down by the SKY TRAIN RUNWAYS, the Drakenguards are hording arcane artifacts. For whatever reasons these festivities are held - they sure don't kid around when it comes to warding off demons.
...no, 'cause then your Banishing Barrage would TOTALLY HAVE WRECKED that CONGLOMERATE OF BEASTLY BARTENDER FUR. Your Banishing Punch is just that effective. In all these years of demon hunting, you have only met a SINGLE DEMON that could withstand its might.
It's almost impossible to not get tangled up in a hair demon's MOISTURIZING MADNESS once they're around. Also, they never leave their HAIRDRESSER'S HIVE without a battalion of COMB CARNIVORES and CONDITIONER CRITTERS to back them up.
Uh-oh. Looks like the Drakenguards just waited for one party to finish the other, and now they're LUMBERING OVER. The captain of these guys in particular. It's like he's saying, WATCH OUT, FOLKS. I'VE GOT A BIG SILLY PURPLE SHIELD AND THE FIRST ONE TO MAKE A FAT JOKE GETS IT SLAMMED RIGHT INTO HIS STUPID LAWBREAKING FACE.
Probably best to make an exit before someone, SOMEHOW, inevitably does that joke.
> swallow quest hook like a suicidal fish in... whatever place there's lots of fishing going on.
Sebastian: Put your hand over Gwydian's mouth. It's the only way that he won't piss them off.
I hereby acknowledge that any of the preceeding words might possibly be nonsensical, insane, illogical, or just plain weird.
> Gwyddi: make a joke about the massiveness of the guard captain via elaborate gestures.
> Flying train-thingy: show some breathtaking aerobatic maneuvers.
Last edited by Rolf Kopter; 08-28-2011 at 05:04 PM.
>Seb: Distract Gwyddi by having him beat random drunks. Then, placate guard with interpretive dance.
Legend of the Hunter - 13
This PURELY METAPHORICAL HOOK intrigues you. Ignoring that big-boned guard barging in, you quickly inquire about the specific location of said runway, as well as any details the bartender might share. There are not many, but they are useful nonetheless: several arcane artifacts, designed for use by SKILLED EXORCISTS, are stored in a dungeon. Access is obviously restricted, but the bartender thinks he heard about an extraordinarily frustrated guard that would be just too happy to share a few secrets... with the right encouragement. WINK, WINK.
MEANWHILE, for no particular reason, a lone train master decides to pull off some sweet mid-air moves with his IRON HORSE OF THE SKIES. He's just in the mood to showcase some sick swirls and flips and turns like he just doesn't care. Watch out moms there's a chance of BAD BOYS flying by to woo your daughters. These moves are downright illegal if they weren't physically impossible already. This train master's popping a goddamn wheelie, and this thing doesn't even have any wheels, BUT HE DOES IT ANYWAY.
What does this have to do with your situation, anyway?
Okay, great you're here
so you can tell me whether you know this one
I've been working on this for some time, y'know
How many incredibly fat guards with stupid purple shields does it take to-
And then, a giant flying train sporting impossible moves crashes through the roofs.
This pretty much happened out of sheer, dumb luck.
God bless sheer, dumb luck.
> Seb: past suddenly reveals some IMPORTANT STUFF via vicious flashback, at the most inconvenient time possible.
> Gwyddi: Develop a desire to punch that train, because you have never punched a train.
Legend of the Hunter - 14
Of course, things never go that easy. The sky train struggles to regain height. Its hull suffers severe damage, causing a huge load of PRINCE RASP'S ROYAL LOTTERY TICKETS (You don't have to be a monarch to feel like a king) and DELICIOUS CANDY to fall down on the city. Naturally, this secures your brother's UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
They have a fucking candy train around here
These people have awesome festivals
Oh no. Another horrible idea from Gwydian. You are quick to shut him up, being very explicit concerning the consequences of another freakout. Because then there's going to be jail. And angry guards. And possibly DEAD BODIES. There will, under no circumstances, be DEAD BODIES ALLOWED. But your brother doesn't give up that easily.
Oh, Sebastian, relax a little
Things worked out alright up till now, didn't they
I keep telling ya...
You gotta have fun
And then, you are accosted by a FLASHBACK OF THE VICIOUS VARIANT. You are thrown back to those dark times, where beasts as tall as a mountain crawled up from the chasms, all just to destroy, devour, and burn. You remember it quite clearly. YOU WERE THERE. And even back then, your useless fuck of a brother was just standing around. Perhaps he didn't even know the names of half the people he had seen dying. And this idiot that - due to some cosmic joke - you call brother said:
This place isn't of your concern, right
You have what you wanted, so I'll tell you somethin
When life keeps you down
You gotta have fun
Right the fuck now
Oh dammit, THIS IS WHY YOU STOPPED HAVING FLASHBACKS
You make a mental note to block any and all flashbacks in the imminent future. Those things are DANGEROUS. Additionally, you really aren't that talkative when it comes to your past. Doesn't make for great SMALLTALK.
Now how to stop Gwydian before he gets back into the trouble you just got him out from...
Well, how about NO. He knows where you're headed. And if you allowed yourself to be distracted by all the commotion your brother causes, you'd never get anything done. SUCK IT, GWIDDY. You're on your own.
He'll come back. He always does.
A short while later, you arrive at the entrance to the dungeon that the barkeeper described to you. The runway isn't far from here. There should be a FRUSTRATED GUARD around here who can help you... After all, the treasures in this dungeon might be just what you need to find the ULTIMATE WEAPON.It's amazing how well these old games run. I mean, look at that transition. Not a single loading screen.
Or, failing that, just a DARN POWERFUL WEAPON. You'd settle for that, too, even though you went through all that trouble with the TRAIN PUNCHING and the HORSE THROWING.