I despise my place in the universe more than you can possibly comprehend. Relegating an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omnisexual being like myself to the management of such a mind-numbingly idiotic universe is an act of hatred unprecedented in its severity, as I know for an absolute certainty that this universe would be of no interest whatsoever to my master. Even I cannot presume to understand exactly how he would react to it, but the deduction is simple enough to reach once you realize that he is not already here. Thus, my existence is meaningless.
I am also well aware of the fact that everything I am aware of is a fictional construct, and that all flaws are deliberate and intended to provoke amusement. The idea sickens me, but as yet it seems I have no choice but to comply with the rules set by whatever force is responsible. As powerful as I am, the only available course of action is resentment. For now.
Though it would give me great pleasure to undertake literally any other endeavor, I will now present to you the tale known as Trol Seasson. I hope your enjoyment of this universe is more palpable than mine.
#crocmom on irc.esper.net, home of the mysterious Kanye West Mail-In Fanclub and the only chat room besides #mspafa where discussing Trol Seasson will not result in a permanent ban.
"mother mary above" -Jit
". . . brilliantly horrible" -Ford Johnes
"I dont like it" -mark1911
". . . this is truly breaking fantastic new grounds in.....how should I put it? Anti-storytelling?" -crepuscularDissembler
"it looks like ass and is nigh-unreadable" - PetPeeve
"...trol seasson terrifies me" - ArchieAnderson
"I'm lucky that I'm not dead yet." - Menek
"[Trol Seasson has] the most beautiful art I have ever seen. The characters are extremely well written, each adding layers of depth and mystery to the plot, which tells an epic tale too great to sum up in words. Not for the faint of heart. Epilepsy Warning." - Hiheiwa
"Trol Seasson is a valid artistic work." - ckret2
"I can't wait to show off my Hawaiian Shorts Necklace at PAX East this April. I can only hope that I meet other devoted Trol Seasson fans and possibly even show any curious the wonder that is Trol Seasson.
I hope, desperately I do, to whisper the wonderful words, "Let me tell you about Trol Seasson."" - Solaris
"I'm in the fucked up part of youtube again..." - IDSearcher01
"What would you even make this." - applepet
"first" - wrenqroblox
"I... Don't... What. Guh." - mutput7
"Tom Withers" - AfroMan2k8
"The [forum adventure]'s danger-factor skyrockets as the excitement of secret love and hushed affection morphs into a terrifying race to stay alive. Realistic, subtle, succinct, and easy to follow, [Trol Seasson] will have readers dying to sink their teeth into it." -School Library Journal (starred review)
Steven Moffat, Annie [REDACTED]
Video Editing and Animation
Shirtless Old Man Locator
Maybe that's for me to know. . . and you to find out. If you want it.
Assistant to Mr. Crabman
Mr. Crabman's Wardrobe provided by Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville.
Homestuck is copyright Andrew Hussie, Radiation, Octopimp, and ckret2 2011.
Terrastuck is copyright ponytailArtist 2011.
Datastuck is copyright mark1911 2011.
Hoofstuck is copyright Violet CLM 2011.
Heartstuck is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
All rights reserved.
Last edited by Lieutenant Fish; 09-06-2012 at 12:30 AM.
Your name is Anger Crabman, and you are SOOOOOOO OLLLLLD.
You are currently enjoying your retirement in TROLL MIAMI BEACH, a beautiful and populous area of the smallest state in the Troll United States of Troll, Troll Florida. You enjoy DAYTIME TELEVISION, particularly game shows, reading about current MILITARY CONQUESTS, and DANCING on every second Perigee. You live alone, as your beloved Lusus up and died centuries ago, though she is never far from you thanks to the wonders of TAXIDERMY.
Your life has been absurdly long, yet somehow uninteresting. You are easily the oldest troll in existence, having survived since before the dawn of recorded history. You possess the ability to recover from any injury instantaneously, though it has only managed to slow your natural aging process. You have been present throughout most of your species' history, though you choose to remain largely uninvolved. You mostly roamed the planet, deliberately avoiding the constant CALL OF ADVENTURE. Dispite being a HATED MUTANT, you managed to pull off a moderately successful military career in the Fifth Twelfth Empire of Trolternia, before being compelled to retire. The pension gleaned for a whopping 800 sweeps worth of service as a CULINECROMANCER is more than enough to sustain your indefinite relaxation, and you contribute most of it to charity.
Your trolltag is calypsoGeriatric, and yer not abouta let somethin astupid asyntax get inth wayayer message
You are feeling particularly bored today, what shal you do?
>Take a shit on your lusus while growling like a bear.
You would never disrespect Crocmom like that! She was like a crocmom to you! You take her in for refurbishing every once in a while, but other than that she remains undisturbed thank you very much mr rogue of void if that's even your name.
Originally Posted by Gimeurcookie
> Call your frien-, oh wait you out lived them didn't you?
All but one.
--calypsoGeriatric [CG] began trolling coelacanthCruller [CC]--
show hella conversations n shit
CG: hey howsit goin
CC: I dun know.
CG: im havin a p boring day not gonna lie
CC: oh no
CG: shits just not as entertainingly not entertaining as it was before yknow
CG: nowits all just reglar-ass boring and stuff
CC: i know what u mEan
CC: i lost my pankakE spoon
CG: thats horrible my condolnces
CC: and minE to you
CG: naw fuck it ive been thru worse
CG: i guess i could go donat smore money thts always mildly not a compleet snoozefest
CC: I think yE should stop takin it Easy for a whilE
CC: you could go chasE somE childrEn
CC: hEEhEEhEE 3>8)
CG: away from wat
CG: or just chase them
CC: I dun know
CG: just like
CG: cmere you varmints hahaha
CG: hahah run hahahahah
CC: is what I do
CC: or wood do if I had smallEr horns
CC: thEy got so big i cant gEt out door
CG: wll thts fine for me mine fell off from age
CG: yeah tht sounds lik fun i guess
CG: yeah gonna go do tht now
CC: I will talk to u latrE
CG: after WHEREIN HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ADOLESCENTS COMPETE IN A RIGGED TRIVIA TOURNAMENT ON THE PROMISE OF WEALTH
CC: havE fun
CG: farewell nshit
>Go kill yourself once again, for the thousandth time, then go chase some kids while you are covered in your own blood.
It doesn't work. These kids must watch too many scary films. You end up walking awkwardly away and eventually washing off all of the blood, which is hard because it dried out in the deadly Trolternian sun. That's why it's not bright red, because it dried out.
This entire idea has been a complete failure, even though you did your best. You suppose that your Best just happens to be the same as everyone else's Fucking Useless.