Has anyone made an "Ioudas" version of "Judas" yet?
I just... Yeah. I couldn't resist.
(Oh hey ckret, would you happen to be needed any background troll sprites? I can make some if you'd like)
Anyway, on to the suggestions:
> Eridan: Think of some other insanely catchy songs, like perhaps the "Recooperacon Invader auto tune"
bismuthsWrath began trolling herself (as she often does when she does not want to forget anything important):
>Eridan: Think of that one song by Troll Rick Astley
Winter is a work-heavy season! Expect return of normal interaction with forum sometime in the middle of spring. Any and all messages received will be answered on slack days. || Filk.
>Nepeta: Leave a confused, angry, and drunken trollian message to Feferi vaguely challenging her to a hate date and pass out, accidentally send it to the wrong person on top of that.
My chumhandle is schoolSpeedrunner.
> Jhonen: Continue exposition on this Apostate guy.
Sure! You do not know why you are being asked, but, SURE!!
Okay so the story about the Apostate is one of your favorites because it involves the Sufferer being super badass. Like, even more badass than normal, which is already pretty badass. There's this crazy awesome fight, and this awesome speech, and--
Oh, uh, yeah, might as well just tell the story then, huh?
The story of the Covetous Apostate is told in bits and pieces scattered throughout the 699K 9F REV9LUTI9N. The story is told in seven of the sixteen gospels in the 699K 9F REV9LUTI9N and is mentioned or partially retold in twenty-two other chapters scattered throughout the C9DEX 9F SUFFERING. It should be mentioned that the entire C9DEX 9F SUFFERING is really ridiculously huge.
Chronologically, the first time the Covetous Apostate is mentioned--either by his title or by his real name--is toward the end of the revolution. This is around the time when the Sufferer's army has begun to pick up converts from the blue bloods and violet bloods, including some sea dwellers. According to the Codex, these converts are brave, honorable souls who were led to the truth by the ENLIGHTENING SPEECHES of the SANGUINE SUFFERER, and therefore these blue and violet bloods are seen as saints and heroes who were the first of their castes to embrace the truth of the hemospectrum. In fact, one of the sixteen gospels was written by a sea dweller.
See, a lot of people think that the Church of the Sanguine Sufferer hates lowbloods. And that is just not true. You have to explain this all the time, since you are a lowblood pontifex minimus in a zone that is almost exclusively populated by lowbloods. The only violent bloods that the Church is opposed to are those that go against the hemospectrum--such as the Imposter Condesce and her armies--but it has nothing against any that believe in Jegus Kryst and accept their position. It does not even have anything to do with blood color--the Church is equally critical of jade bloods and gold bloods that refuse to accept the Sufferer's divinity or that reject the hemospectrum. It's totally fair and unbiased!
As shown by how the Sufferer embraced the blue bloods and violet bloods who joined his army. According to the texts, sometimes he LITERALLY embraced them. Especially the sea dwellers. Since everything else written on him indicates that he was the exact opposite of a touchy-feely guy, his tendency to hug these converts has baffled theologians for millennia.
Especially the really detailed passages, like, "And HE did step briskly toward the aquatic maiden, captchaloguing HIS SICKLE as HE did, so as to become unarmed; and HE did clasp HIS ARMS tight around her in gratitude for her profession of allegiance to HIS righteous army; and HE did pull her close to HIS DIVINE 69DY, and hold her thus for a long moment; and when HE drew back from her, HIS FACE had miraculously taken on the H9LY FLUSHED GL9W of his DIVINE 6L99D."
The general interpretation is that, since the blue bloods and violet bloods had much more invested in their warped upside-down hemospectrum than the other castes did, it was an even greater victory than usual when the Sufferer got one of them on his side. Which was why he got so excited over it. It certainly does not mean that he liked sea dwellers more than land dwellers or anything. He was totally fair and unbiased!
Anyway, since Ioudas Iscari was not mentioned until this point in Jegus's revolution, he was either (1) not important enough to mention before then, or (2) one of the violet-blooded converts. The second is more likely. Especially since a hug is mentioned at one point.
The blue bloods and violet bloods who converted to the Sufferer's army were, of course, treated like saints and heroes. Since that is what they were. And obviously not self-centered power-hungry politicians who saw that Jegus Kryst was winning and wanted to be on the victorious side.
The one exception was, of course, the Covetous Apostate.
He was one of the Sufferer's closest disciples.
To the Sufferer's ill fortune.
The day before the Sufferer planned on invading a coastal city, the Apostate slipped away from the army at high noon, and ran to the Subjugglators to tell them all he knew about the Sufferer and his plans. The exact details of that meeting are unknown, since there were no disciples present to record it for their gospels.
However, later chapters--compiled from anecdotes, from confessions, from unearthed records, from ancient memories, and from generations of word-of-mouth--claim that he betrayed the Sufferer for 612 pieces of silver.
Which explained why the number 612 had already been associated with the Apostate even before those chapters were written.
The Subjugglators attacked the army before dusk.
Many of the Sufferer's devout followers were killed or captured.
As was the Sanguine Sufferer himself.
And the Covetous Apostate.
In return for betraying the Sufferer, the Subjugglators betrayed him.
The prisoners were taken to the Subjugglators' dungeons. They locked up Jegus Kryst separately, with plans to put him on the flogging jut once the sun had fallen.
But the Subjugglators made one fatal mistake.
They let the Sufferer hear their plans.
He was sent into a H9LY RAGE--one that, to the untrained reader, might seem like terror--but of course the Sufferer would never feel terror--and vowed that, by any means necessary, he would avoid that fate.
He swore that if they cuffed him, he would break those cuffs.
They told him he could not break those cuffs.
He broke those cuffs.
F9R T99 MANY SWEEPS I'VE 6EEN PLAGUED 6Y A VISI9N
9F FIERY IR9NS, 9F CRIES 9F DERISI9N
F9R T99 MANY SWEEPS I'VE PRAYED IT'S ILLUSI9N
AN9THER FANTASM, A V99D99 DELUSI9N
F9R T99 MANY SWEEPS I'VE F9LL9WED SUPERSTITI9N
TRYING T9 ESCAPE MY DREAM SELF'S C9NDITI9N
S9 THANK Y9U F9R THIS REVELATI9N
THAT MY 9NLY H9PE T9 ESCAPE THIS MUTILATI9N
T9 EVADE MY F9RET9LD ANNIHILATI9N
CAN'T C9ME FR9M PRAYERS 9R P9IS9N P9TI9NS
FR9M 6EGGING T9 G9D, FR9M INCANTATI9NS
N9, MY 9NLY H9PE F9R EXTRICATI9N
IS T9 H9LD FAST T9 MY SPIRITUAL IS9LATI9N
MY 9NLY MISTAKE WAS T9 TRUST
I AM THE LIGHTNING A69VE Y9U ALL
THE ST9RM STANDING AL9NE, THE T9RNAD9 TALL
THE FR9ZEN RAIN THAT WILL NEVER FALL
THE ICE HEART C9LLAPSED INT9 A HAIL 6ALL
I'M THE C9LD WIND THR9UGH Y9UR R9YAL HALL
THE TEMPEST'S H9WL IS MY 6ATTLE CALL
S9 FIGHT THE LIGHTNING IF Y9U HAVE THE GALL
T9 THE R9AR IN THE SKY
T9 THE TEMPEST 6ATTLE CRY
T9 THE P9UND 9F MY FEET
F9R THE S9UND 9F THE 6EAT
9F MY HEART IS THE S9UND
9F Y9R L99MING DEFEAT
LIKE A THUNDERING CL9UD
STRIKING T9 THE GR9UND
6EF9RE Y9U RETREAT
Y9U TERRIFIED CR9WD
FEARING THE S9UND
9F THE 6EAT
9F MY HEART
F9R THE 6L99D IN MY VEINS WILL TEAR Y9U APART
AND IT'S FAR T99 LATE T9 ST9P
MY 6L99D'S STUCK IN A RUT
FL9WING 9NE WAY--T9 THE T9P
WITH EACH SLICE AND EACH CUT
I'M A SUN-P9WERED JUGGERNAUT
WILLING T9 SLICE 9PEN THE GUT
9F Y9UR C9NDESCE AND LET HER R9T
6EF9RE Y9U STRAP ME T9 THE JUT
And by the end of that all of the Subjugglators were dead.
Jegus is totally badass.
He never doesn't talk like that.
> Failing that, try that one song that never fails to boost your morale when it comes to black romance:
It's the eye of the dragon, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the duel, fully certain
And the last known survivor is the one with most might
And he's watchin' us all with the eye... of the dragon.
EDIT: derp, ninja'd by awesome updoot.
omg Jhonen's face. It took me a while to scroll down and read the rest of the update because I couldn't stop staring at him and giggling. He's just. So. HAPPY.
also, I loved the Break These Cuffs reference.
Fuck, he broke the cuffs.
I imagine the Vast Expletive is just the massive "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" during that song.
Also, that picture of Jhonen is adorable.
Leaving the broken image links here because it takes too much effort!
Your supreme overlord of the one year strong IMAGE MANIMP THREED
Nah, the vast expletive was what the Violent bloods did when ol' Bloody up there broke his cuffs.
It's the eye of the dragon, it's the thrill of combat
Risin' up to the duel, filled with hatred
And the last known survivor will end up fighting Karkat
And he's watchin' us all with the eye... of the dragon.
I tried for quite a while to think up a good rhyme for "combat," and then just had to go with the obvious, even though I normally assume it's pronounced KAR-kat, and the song makes it into kar-KAT.
It's the eye of the musclebeast, it's the thrill of the grief
Risin' up to the duel, filled with hatred
And the last known survivor is probably some violent blood 'cause they're pretty durable
And you can bet that he just stole the eye... of the musclebeast.
Last edited by Tsaagan; 10-06-2011 at 11:05 AM.
v. to leave abruptly
oh snap The Sufferer just started some sick fires.
For some reason i imagine him rapping those lyrics in a Dave strider way.
//hops out of lurk status
It looks kind of like Jhonen's head is shrugging.
Also Jhonen should go totally red for Daviat when he finds out his BL99D AND SYM69L. (did I do that right?)
Then he would have conflicted feelings between Equius and Daviat. Then feel bad for flushing for a highblood. Then be devastated when Equius and Tavros get together(WHICH IS TOTALLY HAPPENING EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD BE REALLY AWKWARD).
//back to lurking!
Edit: I just realized how relevant that was to the update. Which is next to nothing. Oops.
> Jhonen: Skip the poetry, get to the good parts.
But the poetry IS the good part! The Sanguine Sufferer was the master of poetry! He is the standard to which all subsequent poets have been held! You cannot hope to beat the Sufferer in a rap-off. He is simply the best there is.
It does not occur to you that, if he is the standard to which all poets are held, then that means he is being defined as "the best" regardless of his actual skill.
Anyway, the symbol in the picture above? That red spade? That is the symbol representing Jegus Kryst's RIGHTE9US CRUSADE 9F PITYING HATE. The Sufferer's ability to hate pityingly is what drove him on his H9LY QUEST to fix the hemospectrum--the power to hate something so much that you pity it, and want to fix it. Kind of like a matesprit-kismesis double reacharound, except not really, since that just bounces back and forth between two emotions. It's more accurate to say that the Sufferer's pitying hate went beyond the four quadrants, transcending the grid entirely.
That was how much he hated the screwed-up empire that he came to Alternia to fix.
And that was how he hated the Covetous Apostate for his treachery.
He hated him so much that he took pity and spared his life.
Okay, there is going to be some more poetry, so everyone is just going to have to deal with it because you think it's really cool. Like, really REALLY cool. Someday you want to ask Karkat to read it out loud so you can try to get a sense for what it might have actually been like for Jegus to say all this but you think that would offend him so you haven't asked yet. But you do imagine it being read in Karkat's voice.
When Ioudas saw Jegus, he begged him to set him free. And this was Jegus's response.
IN THE DAY IT T99K Y9U T9 G9 FR9M MY 6R9 T9 MY F9E
I SEE Y9UVE GR9WN A LITTLE 6IT 9LDER
6UT I W9ULD SURMISE Y9U'RE GR9WING N9 WISER
6UT RATHER A LITTLE 6IT 69LDER
6RAIN SNAPPED FR9M THE STRAIN 9F TRYING T9 STAY SANE
DEMANDING WARMTH FR9M HE Y9U MADE C9LDER
YEAH Y9U'RE WHEEZING IN FRIGHT SQUEEZING SUNLIGHT
LIKE 6L99D FR9M THIS 6L99DLESS 69ULDER
SEE MY HEART IS ST9NE AND 9VERGR9WN
FR9M WHEN IT 9NCE WAS S9FTER
THE NITTY GRITTY'S Y9U DID T9 MY PITY
WHAT WINTER D9ES T9 WATER
A6USING MY RED FLIPPING IT 9N ITS HEAD
MY HATRED 6URNS THAT MUCH H9TTER
MELTING THE FR9ST LEFT 6Y THE L9VE L9ST
WHEN Y9U SHEPHERDED ME T9 THE SLAUGHTER
THERE 9NCE WAS A TIME I'D IGN9RE ANY CRIME
AS L9NG AS Y9U STAYED MY FRIENDS9LDIER
6UT Y9U DEFILED MY EM6RACE Y9U SH9WED Y9UR SEC9ND FACE
WHEN Y9U SW9RE FRIENDSHIP Y9U DID NAUGHT 6UT PERJURE
Y9U FILLED MY NIGHTS WITH PARAN9ID SIGHTS
AND 6Y DAY ALL MY DEM9NS Y9UD C9NJURE
AND THE H9UR Y9U SW9RE THAT I WAS Y9UR W9RLD
Y9UR INTENT WAS T9 INJURE AND T9RTURE
H9W SH9ULD I FEEL N9W THAT Y9U'RE 6R9UGHT T9 HEEL
AND I CAN SEE Y9UR WET EYES
A 6LENDED RED6LUE THE M9ST HIDE9US HUE
AND THE 6L99D C9L9R I M9ST DESPISE
I'D LIKE T9 GIVE YA A LAST 6IT 9F TRIVIA
TH9UGH T9 Y9U IT WILL 6E N9 SURPRISE
THAT LIKE N9 9THER ENEMY Y9UR IRIS 9FFENDS ME
Y9UR F9UL 6L99D HAS EARNED THIS PRIZE
S9 G9 9N AND 6EG 6UT Y9U W9N'T FIND A DREG
9F PITY LEFT IN THIS SHELL
I'LL ADMIT Y9U'RE 6RAVE T9 RISK 6EING ENSLAVED
IN 9RDER T9 QUELL THIS RE6EL
6UT EVEN IN SHACKLES Y9U STILL RAISE MY HACKLES
S9 6R9 I'LL LEAVE Y9U THIS FAREWELL
EVEN IF I 9UTLIVE Y9U I'LL NEVER F9RGIVE Y9U
F9R THE DAY Y9U DRAGGED ME T9 HELL
And then he took his sickle and carved "612" into the naked flesh of Ioudas's chest.
Because Jegus Kryst is JUST THAT BADASS.
It should be noted that, just because the Sufferer said that stuff about despising Ioudas's blood color, that does not mean he has something against all trolls with violet blood. That is absolutely not what he was saying, because the Sufferer was totally fair and unbiased.
See, what he was actually saying was...
... Erm, was that...
Well, you know, it's kinda...
Anyway! The fascinating thing about this scene is that it is not found in any of the sixteen gospels of the 699K 9F REV9LUTI9N. After all, nobody witnessed it but the Sufferer and Apostate themselves.
But it IS recorded in eight separate extra chapters.
The authors of each of those chapters had two things in common. First, they were all highly psychically gifted gold bloods, the kind who were most susceptible to chucklevoodoos. Second, they all had near-death experiences.
During those near-death experiences, they would be met at the Four Heavenly Gates by Jegus Kryst.
If they tried to speak to him, they would find themselves paralyzed, suspended by something wrenching their wrists above their heads.
And Jegus would say the above speech directly to them. And end the speech by carving 612 into their chests.
At which point they would be set free, and would quickly wake back up in the living world.
This COULD have been interpreted as just a strange dying delusion. Except for the fact that it happened to eight separate trolls who had never heard of each other. When they woke up, they EACH wrote down the exact same speech, word-for-word.
Since their time, many other gold bloods who have near-death experiences have seen the same sight. Except it's not such a big deal now, since there is always the possibility that all those other trolls are just remembering the speech that they had already heard. But the FIRST eight, THEY definitely saw the real deal. They did not hear it from each other.
The best theory anyone has on that strange vision is that, when the Covetous Apostate died, he left behind a chucklevoodoo in the shape of Jegus Kryst, to torment the susceptible who came to the threshold of death.
Since nobody is quite sure how death works, there has yet to be any sort of scientific study that could even begin to try to test that theory.
The mystery of Ioudas Iscari's chucklevoodoo is one of the things you, as an aspiring paranormal investigator, would like to investigate.
So what's with the weird sketchy illustrations anyway?
Those are the actual illustrations from the C9DEX 9F SUFFERING!
The thing is, for a long time, not all of the Codex was written down. Instead, it would be half written and half illustrated, on the walls of caves and later on the walls of churches. For a while, the art was random, but after a while it got standardized--certain illustrations were uniformly used for every scene. And since sometimes the illustrations explained things that weren't contained in the text itself--such as the Apostate's posture when the Sufferer approached him--they had to become part of the canon in order to tell the whole story. The C9DEX OF SUFFERING is both verbal and visual.
Yes. The holy book is a giant comic book.
However, the illustrations now standardized in all versions of the Codex, such as the ones that have been shown up until now, are not competely accurate.
Due to the fact that the original copies of the Codex used bad paint.
The way the pictures were made was that, first, the figures would be scraped into the wall, and some sort of chalky substance--usually ground bone--would be worked into the scrapes to create the outline. And then the figures were painted with their blood color, or a reasonably close shade. Typically grubs were culled to get the needed paint colors, or else adult trolls donated some of their own blood (willingly or unwillingly) to a codex project.
The one exception was the paint for the Sufferer, since his DIVINE 6L99D was too rare to collect for paint. That, and it was a sin to cull trolls with his blood color. Instead, his figures were painted with the juice from a fruit that left shiny red stains. (Coincidentally, it was the kind of fruit produced by the tree he had cursed.) Other colors--such as the bright yellow used in gold and horns--came from another plant.
The problem is, over time, the colors fade.
When the Codex was finally being produced for a paper copy, all of the earliest graffiti Codeces had faded, some worse than others. Some of the images could only be partially recovered through the most painstaking of efforts. Figures of the Sufferer could all be recognized, since the shiny red fruit juice always faded to a recognizeable shade of purple. All other trolls weren't as lucky.
As it happens, given enough time, troll blood on cave walls all eventually fades to the same color. It is impossible to tell a gold blood from a jade blood from a violet blood. In recent centuries, SOME of the original colors have been recovered, thanks to meticulous chemical analyses of the paintings to search for proteins that are only found in certain blood colors. But so far maybe fifteen percent of the original colors have been determined. Current researchers think that there is a good chance that up to half may never be recovered. For the unknown blood colors, the colors had to be guessed from context.
Which is quite annoying.
> Why are you telling us all this junk, anyway?
Whoops! You must be hearing things!
You are quite sure that nobody just called the history of the CHURCH 9F THE SANGUINE SUFFERER junk.
... Maybe we should be someone else again.
Let's be Nepeta.
>Be the troll with sunglasses
>Be the beaten and bloodied blue blood