TROLLSLUM CAFE LXVI: Sixty-Six Million Ceagars Worth of Property Damage and Counting!

[Fexxos Vyront]

And the price of food just keeps getting higher with every table you break.

Once again, I'm just stepping in because it's late and the thread's getting full.

Welcome the Trollslum Café!
Our Guiding Principle: We are all fans of Homestuck in general, and of the trolls in particular. We like to make fantrolls, and if we like to make fantrolls, we love to roleplay them. And so, once upon a time, this thread was created as a place to bring new, undeveloped trolls so that players could flesh them out while interacting with other characters. The primary purpose of the Café is to provide a vague social setting in which characters can meet, mingle, and talk. It is a good way to get introduced to other characters that you can then troll on trollian/pesterchum, or get involved with in a more specific RP. It can also be a decent place to hang out.
Below are some rules that I would like you to follow when you are posting in the Café. Please read them carefully, whether you are new or old to the Café!
1: Characters and Setting
The Café is located somewhere on Alternia. Where exactly? Who knows, and it doesn't particularly matter. For some reason, it is somehow easily accessible by nearly every troll on the planet. Keep in mind that this place is located on Alternia (the troll homeworld which is populated by the troll young only*, more details on this later on) when you are developing a character for the Café. Aliens, freaks, and mutants will not last long on Alternia*. Undead creatures are also not likely to be treated with compassion by the living trolls. Specifically, no aliens (this means humans), no freaks*, abominations, undead, ghosts, or crazy mutants*. Take into account that the accepted fandom age for being an adult is 10 sweeps or older, based on what is the prevailing headcanon at the moment. That is the age when your troll is either culled for not adding to the incestuous slurry, or if they've met the requirements, are whisked off to join the Fleet.
* <= This little asterik means that there can be exceptions, with probable cause. Don't throw your adult troll in with the excuse that they never got picked up by the fleet. Think it over. Adults were banned from Alternia, as in it's probably completely populated by younger trolls. In this case scenario, exceptions can be made, just as long as you take the time to think over why your character is on Alternia. As for freaks and mutants, they're allowed in the cafe, just as long as they, too, have a legitimate reason why they're not dead yet. Again, take into account that Alternia is a rough place. Mutations are not commonly accepted, and said troll will probably have a problem with other trolls if they're flaunting it around like a new piece of jewelry.
The Cafe is also set outside any sort of Sgrub or S***b continuity. No troll should know about the game, Skaia, the moons, meteors, or humans. Save that for an actual session roleplay. This also means that aspects and characters from what would be from a sGRUB or s**** session are banned.
Notice to newer players!: I highly encourage you to post a profile in the trollslum thread or in the new critique thread before starting your roleplaying experience in the Cafe. Getting some feedback on your character before you start playing them can help you make an even better character and avoid some common pitfalls newer players make!
2: Joining the Café
How do you join? Just post! There are no pre-requisites and no screening (for better or for worse). Just jump in, find someone who isn’t already in a scene, and start a conversation.
3: Posting in the Café
A few guidelines for how to post here:
*It is generally helpful if you clearly indicate which character you are speaking to if you are initiating a conversation. If a name isn't listed, please be as specific as possible.
*You can quote a previous post to enhance the clarity of your response, but please spoiler images, and do not post quote pyramids. You can be infracted for this.
*Indicate OOC conversation by double paranthesis (()), or double brackets [[]] if you prefer, or by some other method that clearly indicates you are speaking OOC.
*Do not post only OOC chatter. Go to the Trollslum GenChat for that.
4: Joining a Conversation
Before you have your character wander up to someone and start chatting, check to see if the other character is already talking, and to whom. Sometimes two characters are having a light chat and you may be able to get away with approaching them. Other times, they may be having a serious discussion and would not appreciate the intrusion. Like real-life, think carefully before you walk up to someone and interrupt them, and if they ignore you or tell you to go away, respect that!
5: Fights
Fights are going to need a list of rules all its own. This may very well be one of the most important sections, so please read it carefully!
1) Avoid fights whenever possible! If there are any other viable options for your character besides “pull out a weapon,” do that instead! Yes, I’m sure you want to show off how “badass” your character is, but ultimately getting in a fight is just going to make you look silly and probably like kind of a jerk. Yes, you may be thinking that “trolls are violent pricks,” but remember that the primary purpose of the Café is to develop your character, and fights are not the best way to do that. This doesn't mean that you can't play a mean, provocative character, just know your limits!
2) If you must engage in a fight, please contact the other player(s) by PM or your preferred chat client to try and work things out before you both start throwing posts at each other. If you have an end result you are working towards, it is less likely that your fight will completely devolve into a “show them up” contest.
3) Follow proper etiquette! What do I mean? If you do end up in a fight, the way you describe your character acting is what may separate you from a God Moder and someone with class. Here are some dos and don’ts:
”I cut your character’s arm off with my sword.” Very bad! If you do something like this, you are inflicting an injury on another character without giving them a chance to respond or avoid. Basically, you’re an asshole.
“I shoot your character in the face.” Bad. It is worded in such a way that it suggests the blow already landed.
“I aim at your character’s face and fire.” Probably the best you can do. It explains your action and gives the other player an opportunity to dodge the attack, or not, as they wish.
4) Don’t get involved in someone else’s fight! Unless your troll is good friends with one of the participants, it doesn’t make sense for them to get involved in someone else’s battle. On the whole, trolls are not very charitable. Group fights are just a mess and a bad idea.
5) Don’t fight at all if you can help it! Yes, this rule warrants repeating. It is entirely possible to play a mean, jackass character without provoking a fight every time you talk to someone. BE THE BIGGER MAN (OR WOMAN)! If it looks like you’re going to start a fight, back off! Contrary to what you might think, you’ll earn more respect from your peers than if you start trying to beat the other character up.
6: Romance
Trolls have quadrants. Romance is gonna happen. Now, it’s not my place to tell you how to live your love (or hate) lives. However, I ask that you all keep things clean. If your characters are going to go beyond snuggling and smooching, take it to PMs, an IRC, or a private chat. I’m trying to run a respectable establishment, here.
Addendum:
Due to events both past and present, I am revising the rules on what should and should not be posted in the Cafe thread regarding romantic matters. Please remember that this Cafe is a public space. Think about what a person might or might not do in public: Hand holding, a light kiss, maybe a brief makeout if the couple is feeling rowdy. Trolls would not go the the Cafe solely for the purpose of making out with their significant other(s). Would you go to a restaurant or other public venue just to start eating face with someone else? If the answer is "yes," you kind of have a problem.
Also note that, according to this log, trolls are a bit shy about their flushed feelings. Yes, it's Nepeta's perspective, but also note that Karkat has been shy about his relationship with Terezi, as well. This is the canon we have to refer to.
So, practically speaking, what does this mean? I'll tell you.
*If you bring a character in solely to grab a booth and make-out, I will tell you to leave. You can do that over Private Messages, Pesterchum, Typewith.me, or anything else.
*If any spontaneous make-outs that do crop up go on for more than a few posts, I will tell you to stop.
*Any kind of fondling, groping, lewd, sexual, or otherwise questionable behavior is expressly forbidden. We don't want to see it. Take it elsewhere. This also includes excessively detailed descriptions of a make-out.
Don't get me wrong. I fully understand that romance is a fun part of RP in general, and trollplay in particular. Yet it is also important to consider the context of where this is happening, and the Cafe thread is also supposed to be for character development. "Oh, but faithful cafe owner! This romantic relationship is development for my character!" you might say. Well, yes. How a relationship grows and develops is very important to development. Sloppy make-outs, however, do not really develop anything. They are just sloppy.
7: Problems
Gotta face facts: Problems are gonna crop up. Maybe it’s another player, maybe a fight broke out and someone is god moding, maybe someone decided that it would be awesome to bring in the rainbow-drinker rainbowblood who’s gonna be the next empress and who is secretly the lover of all the canon trolls. All of them. If you have a problem with someone, contact them. Privately and politely. It is not good to make a scene in public. If you are particularly adverse to conflict, you can contact me and I’ll see what I can do.
Likewise, if I see something I think is a problem, I will PM you and try to straighten things out to everyone’s benefit. Note that I will ask you to withdraw or revise a character if I think they will remain problematic as they are. I want everyone to have fun, but I also believe that the fun of the many outweighs the fun of the few.
8: Rules Change
I reserve the right to change or revise these rules at any time with or without notification. So remember to check back occasionally to refresh yourself!
9: Fun
Have fun!
Or else!
Also, be polite, kids!
FAQ
(Okay, I don't really get many questions, but this seemed like the best label for this section.)
Q: What if I want to roleplay something that isn't allowed in the Cafe?
A: There are several other mediums for roleplaying: Instant messengers, including the fan-made Pesterchum client; typewith.me or sync.in collaborative documents; private messages. In theory, after characters meet in the Cafe, they can continue roleplaying elsewhere.
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The Precursor

[Rai-CH]

Viltau walks into the cafe, breathing in the new thread smell. Ah, smells like cake.
Oh wait, he's bought in his own cake. Triple chocolate. Delicious.
He sits down in the booth, ordering his usual Chartreuse and cutting himself a slice of cake.

[Fexxos Vyront]

You walk into the caf-
WOAH WAIT WHERE'S YOUR SHIRT AND SYMBOL?!
As long as your arms are warm, you don't seem to notice. Someone please fix this troll.

... At least he's wearing pants.

[Rai-CH]

Oh my Jesus Christ how undignified.
Viltau nearly spits out the Chartreuse in his mouth.
"pardon me, old Sport, but you appear to be... lacking a Shirt."
He points at Skehth.

[Fexxos Vyront]

{I what?}
{.........}
{OH MY GOD.}

You gulp and tug on the newly-donned shirt.
{Uuuuh... Uuuh... That... That was embarrassing...}
Wooooooow. You're just the MASTER of first impressions, aren't you?

[Rai-CH]

Viltau politely looks away when Skehth puts a shirt on.
"ah, it'S fine. better that Someone told you Sooner rather than later."
He smiles in his usual pleasant manner.
"would you like a Slice oFF cake? perhapS it will calm your embarraSSment a little."

[Fexxos Vyront]

This further embarrasses you.
{Cake...? I've... never actually... had cake... What kind is it?}

[Rai-CH]

Skehth has not had cake? Poor, deprived child.
"thiS particular cake iS a triple chocolate."
He cuts up a slice, offering it to Skehth.

This troll is way too nice, it's almost unnerving.

[Fexxos Vyront]

You are not yet worried. Deprived, maybe, but worried? No.
You sit down across from Viltau, pick up a fork, and take a bite of the cake-

{This is delicious!!!}

[Rai-CH]

Viltau chuckles.
"why, thank you. i baked it mySelFF this evening."
He cuts himself a second slice.
"... i go by the name oFF mr. gaSbet, by the way. may i aSk for yourS, old Sport?"

[Fexxos Vyront]

{Skehth Cubias. A pleasure to meet you sir.}
You offer a hand to be shaken.

I know I typed that in. Gog dammit forums.

[Rai-CH]

Viltau shakes Skehth's hand.
"a pleaSure to meet you too, old Sport."
He's still all smiles. And apparently he is not going to call Skehth by his first name yet. Alright then.
"may i aSk what bringS you to thiS FFine caFFe?"

[Fexxos Vyront]

With both hands free, you take a napkin and wipe off the staff which I apparently had you pull out in my early morning daze.
{It's proven to be a good place to meet people.}
{So how about you, mister Gasbet?}

[Rai-CH]

"i would agree that thiS iS a wonderful place to meet new trollS. aS for mySelFF, i came here to relax. i've had quite the hectic FFew nightS, with party planS and an unexpected gueSt Staying FFor the week.
... Speaking oFF which, pleaSe excuSe me FFor a Second."
Viltau quickly whips out his phone and trolls the same redblood as last night. If Skehth really wanted to, he could look over Viltau's shoulder to see the conversation. Or use his $W33T H4CK1NG $K1LL$ or something.

[DeoDrew]

God dammit' i can move myself from here!
Okay...(--)'m sorry...

You unhappily wheeeeel yourself in. In a wheelchair. What is with all the leg injuries lately?
But anyway, you wheel over to a table and rest your head on it, sighing.
And getting a tea of course.

[Fexxos Vyront]

You pull out your husktop, because you have a little work to do anyway.
{Cool.}
{Hey, I know it's kinda odd, but I really kinda feel like I should thank you for not making a big deal out of my mutation..}

[Rai-CH]

Viltau continues trolling people on his phone, but is still focused on the conversation.
"it iS no problem, old Sport. i FFail to See why it would be Such a big deal."
The author is practically restraining herself from quoting that particular line about Gatsby's smile from 'The Great Gatsby'

He notices a troll in a wheelchair enter the cafe. He looks like one of the trolls that his hiveguest described to him. He gives Legurn a brief wave, but returns to trolling said hiveguest and listening to whatever Skehth has to say. Multitasking like a boss.

[DeoDrew]

You...have no idea who that yellowblood is. Probably another one of those guys out to get you or something.
Wait no, you were told to stop thinking like that. You just wave back at him, putting a few dabs of honey into your just arriving tea.

[Fexxos Vyront]

Quote away
{Well, so do I. But Many others seem to be less accepting of that fact.}
Polish polish. Tappita tappita.

[Teslamagnetic Integration]

Azazel entered the cafe, looking quite...surprisingly docile. Even going as far to have a pleased expression. Mind you it didn't look much different than his normally bitter face, but it was all in the eyes and walk. He went to the bar and ordered some earl grey with the bag still inside.

[Rai-CH]

Oh, look. Another troll that his hiveguest told him about. Viltau gives Azazel a brief wave too, but still remains in his place.
He then closes his phone and places it on the table, having finished messaging trolls.
"i SuppoSe that i could See why people would be leSS accepting, but i am not one oFF thoSe people."
He chuckles, cutting himself a third slice of cake.
"would you like another Slice, old Sport? there'S plenty oFF cake to go around."

[DeoDrew]

Hey, that culler guy. Seeming less...angry today.
Well don't wanna break that streak of being happy. You sip your tea.

[Fexxos Vyront]

You hold up a hand and shake your head.
{No, thank you very much. I should probably get started on my day's work.}
You stand up, picking up your husktop and moving it to a lighter table.
This does not mean you're unavailable.

[Rai-CH]

"ah, i See. well, i won't keep you FFrom FFiniShing that taSk."
And then Viltau was alone. With cake.

Everyone loves cake, right...?

[DeoDrew]

You sure love cake. You wheel over for a moment and just..
...you stole a piece. And now you are wheeling out of the cafe, cake on lap.
I am sure he would have stayed longer, but Deo has to go you just want cake and to finish your fucking book.