fantroll crit thread: thread now full, please post in the new one

[Strider]

Never said At One With Sword was going to be a constant use. It is there for when it is needed, and it actually does help. It just requires training to master. Horrin has not mastered it though, so he only is able to do so much with it.

Anyway, newly modified app. Feel free to tear it apart any way you like. That's what we're all here for, right? lol

>Be the troll obssessed with fighting

Hey! Fights are awesome man, don't be hating!

>Be Horrin Keshka.

You are now Horrin Keshka, and you're on a Saiyan ship! You are a total geek, and love watching or playing anything that involves fighting. Of course that is not the only thing you do. You've seen such things as Trolls Wars, Dragontroll Z, not to mention it's HILARIOUS abridged counterpart, and some other really geeky shit. During your career as the deathmatch champion extraordinaire, A sea dweller named Endria Zarrat took an interest in your fighting skill and appointed himself as your benefactor. You were paid very well for the last performance you gave and almost did not survive, so now you have all of the anime and manga that you could ever want.

Speaking of, even before then you would read manga and watch anime. You had to do it all on your husktop though, which kind of sucked, but it was still awesome for you to do so. You are also DEEP into gaming, particularly if it involves fighting. You're actually currently playing an MMO that one of your Quadrants recommended to you. Well...okay, he didn't recommend it. You just wanted to try it out, and you enjoy it immensely. You also play card games. More specifically, you play the Yugioh card game. To bad unashamed duelists are hard to come by, so you usually have to resort to dueling people through some sort of online medium.

You have two Quadrants. One is Skehth, the guy who indirectly introduced you to the MMO that you are currently playing. He has mad hacking skills, and can totally wreck your shit if you piss him off bad enough. And by your shit, you mean anything that is hackable. Your other quadrant is Pirana, who wears a Troll Mario Piranha Plant suit, much to your amusement. You've actually decided to join her Flarp Team and wear a Troll Mario suit when Flarping with her. However, that would not be your first time Flarping.

During your last sweep as the deathmatch champion extraordinaire you occasionally flarped for brief period of time. You usually did this out of boredom when there was not enough fighting for you to do, and you don the symbolless suit of Rborn with his Curse removed when you did so. All of the restraints came off when you put that suit on, and you would go to challenge small flarp teams of two and three and defeat them. Your name was never imparted or discovered, so after a while they started calling you Dark Demise due to the damage you did to Flarp team reputations, as well as your appearance.

Your Lusus is a Kangaroo which you named Jack. All the other things aside, he is the main reason why you are so strong and fast for one of your Caste, although your strength is not like unto that of an indigo. You always have at least one fight with him every night. It is something he expects from you for some reason, but it has become something that you have embraced, particularly since it has helped you develop a sort of battle sense, as well a s a techinique that you call at one with sword where you deprive yourself completely of sight in order to heighten your other senses.

Your view on the Hemospectrum isn't really much of a view at all. Your opinion is that it is there, and that that is all that there is to it. You really don't care who lands where on the Spectrum, as long as they are good guys that are nerdy, good at fighting, or both. You have yet to talk to one that is not one of those two things at any length, so your view on things is a bit narrow because of that. Your Strife Specibus is Bladekind, and your primary weapon is this HUGE FUCKING SWORD that your ancestor left you, which can apparently be used for Shadow Smoke shenanigans. You are tired of the shadow smoke and tired of being tied to your ancestor though, so you decided to seal that away, if you can. Of course, you have no idea that you have a latent version of the same power as your ancestor, which is why you are even able to wield his weapons in the first place.

Your Trolltag is mysteriousHellian, and you )))Tend to leave your statements rather open ended.(((

[Silvy]

@STRIDER

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hide spoiler

>Be the troll obssessed with fighting

Hey! Fights are awesome man, don't be hating!

>Be Horrin Keshka.

You are now Horrin Keshka, and you're on a Saiyan ship! You are a total geek, and love watching or playing anything that involves fighting. Of course that is not the only thing you do. You've seen such things as Trolls Wars, Dragontroll Z, not to mention it's HILARIOUS abridged counterpart, and some other really geeky shit. During your career as the deathmatch champion extraordinaire, A sea dweller named Endria Zarrat took an interest in your fighting skill and appointed himself as your benefactor. You were paid very well for the last performance you gave and almost did not survive, so now you have all of the anime and manga that you could ever want.

Speaking of, even before then you would read manga and watch anime. You had to do it all on your husktop though, which kind of sucked, but it was still awesome for you to do so. You are also DEEP into gaming, particularly if it involves fighting. You're actually currently playing an MMO that one of your Quadrants recommended to you. Well...okay, he didn't recommend it. You just wanted to try it out, and you enjoy it immensely. You also play card games. More specifically, you play the Yugioh card game. To bad unashamed duelists are hard to come by, so you usually have to resort to dueling people through some sort of online medium.

Yes, I like this a lot more. The transition is a lot smoother, in fact, and makes the whole profile seem more attached than just random phrases about him and how super special awesome he is.
Except my personal bias against anime and manga is making me go eeech

But hey! Yugioh! Yugioh is awesome. +1 point for that.

You have two Quadrants. One is Skehth, the guy who indirectly introduced you to the MMO that you are currently playing. He has mad hacking skills, and can totally wreck your shit if you piss him off bad enough. And by your shit, you mean anything that is hackable. Your other quadrant is Pirana, who wears a Troll Mario Piranha Plant suit, much to your amusement. You've actually decided to join her Flarp Team and wear a Troll Mario suit when Flarping with her. However, that would not be your first time Flarping.

During your last sweep as the deathmatch champion extraordinaire you occasionally flarped for brief period of time. You usually did this out of boredom when there was not enough fighting for you to do, and you don the symbolless suit of Rborn with his Curse removed when you did so. All of the restraints came off when you put that suit on, and you would go to challenge small flarp teams of two and three and defeat them. Your name was never imparted or discovered, so after a while they started calling you Dark Demise due to the damage you did to Flarp team reputations, as well as your appearance.

Yes, this is a lot smoother transition-wise too. I still think he should have at least one team member to back him up! Although since you specified groups of 2 and 3, I guess its ok.
Just remember, there are powerful groups of just 2!
*Glances at Vriska and Eridan*

Your Lusus is a Kangaroo which you named Jack. All the other things aside, he is the main reason why you are so strong and fast for one of your Caste, although your strength is not like unto that of an indigo. You always have at least one fight with him every night. It is something he expects from you for some reason, but it has become something that you have embraced, particularly since it has helped you develop a sort of battle sense, as well a s a techinique that you call at one with sword where you deprive yourself completely of sight in order to heighten your other senses.

Your view on the Hemospectrum isn't really much of a view at all. Your opinion is that it is there, and that that is all that there is to it. You really don't care who lands where on the Spectrum, as long as they are good guys that are nerdy, good at fighting, or both. You have yet to talk to one that is not one of those two things at any length, so your view on things is a bit narrow because of that. Your Strife Specibus is Bladekind, and your primary weapon is this HUGE FUCKING SWORD that your ancestor left you, which can apparently be used for Shadow Smoke shenanigans. You are tired of the shadow smoke and tired of being tied to your ancestor though, so you decided to seal that away, if you can. Of course, you have no idea that you have a latent version of the same power as your ancestor, which is why you are even able to wield his weapons in the first place.

Again, I believe you should attempt to use something other than 'HUGE FUCKING SWORD' to describe this weapon. It comes off as somewhat idiotic, honestly.
I've also noticed that thats the only thing capitalized! Remember, Hussie usually put EMPHASIS on IMPORTANT DETAILS, by the means of CAPITALIZATION. Don't go overboard with it like I tend to, though!

Your Trolltag is mysteriousHellian, and you )))Tend to leave your statements rather open ended.(((

[Strider]

Might edit that in for later, but for now, given your crit, I am satisfied that it is good enough. Going to do a couple of things And then off to bed for the night. I may or may not take care of the caps editing between classes tomorrow.

[Silvy]

Alright! Glad to help!

[consultingzombie]

Toothy orangeblood:
1. Whoa nellie, them are some bigass teeth! It looks like she would have trouble getting food in her mouth.
2. Blood's a bit bright. I suggest darkening it until it looks more brown than orange.
3. One eye looks a bit lower than the other.
4. Servile and accepting of the hemospectrum! Good, good. I like that in a lowblood.
5. Does she acknowledge that her 'friends' don't give a shit about her and only consider her a pack mule?
6. What if one of her friends told her to kill another friend? Or two friends wanted her to kill each other?
7. The dream of flying doesn't really fit in. You could easily take it out and change her trolltag, but if you want to keep it, elaborate on it. Why does she want to fly? What inspired her dream in the first place? What has she done to accomplish it? Would she consider calling in a favor from one of her friends to help with that?
8. Trolls wear almost entirely black and gray, and even Aradia's dirt-digging lowblood ghost didn't look that shabby. Plus, her highblood friends would want anyone associated with them to look semi-decent.

1. I like to think that she's rather fond of foods that can be ingested through a straw or something like that. XD
2. Got it!
3. Really? I'll have to fix that.
4.
5. Yes, but she doesn't mind because she's less at risk of getting horribly butchered in some way.
6. Despite the fact that she refers to everyone as "friend," the only trolls she'll actually listen are her employer first and foremost, along with anyone her employer tells her to obey.
7. Yeah, I'll probably just get rid of it. It was supposed to be an important part of her personality, but as I started writing out her bio it just didn't really fit in anywhere.
8. Noted!

Alrighty, got some things to fix! Expect me back soon! XD

[ashdenej]

Aug, symbol identicality detected!



I guess mine is a little more symbolic than yours???

[Quincunx]

Perhaps you should give it a different name than yugioh since trolls tend to name things differently.

[scintillatingMoniker]

Trolls have fiduspawn already, which seems to act as a sort of universal card-game replacement that is also pokemon and alien reproduction.

[OrangeAipom]

Perhaps you should give it a different name than yugioh since trolls tend to name things differently.

Yugioh is a name of a fictional person. So it'd just be called Troll Yugioh.

[Firebird766]

Your name is ARMENT ISKIEB, and you are too clever for your own good.

Your status as a REDBLOOD has dictated pretty much every facet of NORMAL life, and it pretty much SUCKS. Therefore, you have long since decided to join up with the UNDERGROUND, where your blood color only dictates SOME facets. The black market is pretty POWERFUL where you live, but since you know that will only last until the EMPIRE discovers it you have set up as many ESCAPE ROUTES as you possible can. Some of them you've even let the other CRIMINALS know about.

Where the OTHER members of the underground dabble in lusus fighting rings and DRUGS that change BLOOD COLOR, you deal in the relatively less dangerous process of making MOONSHINE. You're pretty good at it, too. You make your STILLS efficient, easy to repair, and unlikely to leak CONTAMINANTS into the 'shine. You make a lot of things, actually; a good MECHANIC is always useful to have around, and you keep your skills sharp by devising lots of moderately USELESS GADGETS. The parts for these gadgets usually come from the nearest GARBAGE DUMP, since you're pretty poor despite your job. Yes, you clean the parts first.

One of these days, your MOUTH is going to get you killed. You don't have a good filter between it and your brain, and more than once you've been ATTACKED for making the wrong comments to those of HIGHER BLOOD than you. Other times, you've been caught POACHING CUSTOMERS from other moonshiners. Because of these unfortunate happenings, you've become pretty handy with an IRON PIPE. You've also become pretty handy with pointing your MOIRAIL at the right building. The guy sure loves setting fires.

Your handle is undisturbedMoonlight and -[you can be a bit pushy at times]-

[Strider]

Yugioh is a name of a fictional person. So it'd just be called Troll Yugioh.

^ This

[Yossarian]

May as well do this :B


If you don't mind me...

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hide spoiler

You are ENIINE ESTIEL you are eight sweeps old and life is good. You enjoy long walks on the beach and dinner by the fire-light *snrk* as if. Actually you know you're one thing, and that's a snarky smartass. You stand at 5'11 for your age, and have a wide sharp-toothed grin most of the time. This is due to the fact you find most things funny in some way. You are an extremely slippery and shady character to pin any sort of blame on. More then one time you've escaped punishment for some deed. Speaking of deeds, you are a CON ARTIST, one who takes advantage of others inorder to gain something of wealth or value out of them. As such you are very good at SMOOTH TALKING and you know how to make friends of just about everyone. You also, however, know how to be a smartass more then you do anything else, which is strange considering that cheekiness SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOU CULLED, yet you're still alive...hm. You suppose this has something to do with your LUCK, you've always considered yourself lucky, you've always believed that luck was on your side, you hardly see reason to change that mind-set; this however may just be a cover for the fact that while you seem as if you're snarky you really aren't THAT bad of a person to talk to....when you put on the mask of "likability". You also know how to cover your tracks, in other words you're CLEVER, so maybe luck plays...a small part. But you like to think it's all luck, since that makes you seem awesome.


Your appearance speaks wonders, which is to say: it's quite strange for someone in your caste. Speaking of your caste: your blood is a deep TEAL. You wear a two toned dress suit, the trousers the color of your blood, the shirt a grey, as well as black tie. Very stylish. You DRESS THE PART of someone who likes to look his best, you mainly do it simply because APPEARANCE AND FIRST IMPRESSIONS are everything, that and its easier to be swindled by someone who looks fancy then someone who's not [otherwise called THIEVES] You also wear a HAT which you consider lucky, it's just one simple part of your over-all look. Oh yeah! You also enjoy wearing your glasses, which not ONLY make you look stylish, but also hide your identity, they also uh...are prescription sun-glasses, though you don't want anyone to know that part.

Your early grub-hood was spent in the company of your lusus a GIANT WEASEL, who taught you everything you've known about how to interact with other trolls. He however was not a good parent, and let you have many freedoms. Too many. In fact you grew into the crime of SWINDLING which you've found you're very good at, though you know to only do it to trolls you don't know. Despite your life of crime, you have a vague grey sense of MORALITY at least towards people you deem interesting: friends, love interests, anything that caught your eye.

Speaking of relationships: you're not one to shy away from red-rom in fact you have a strange affinity towards red-romance. However you're not one to shove off a black one although you understand inorder to have a proper black relationship you must hate the other troll with every fiber of your being, amd so you run into a single rut with blackrom: no troll you know can really ever make you hate them so much. To do so would require anger, an emotion you do not get at all. In fact most of the time you are up-beat if not a big smart-ass, yet underneath all that is an extremely romantic troll. You are quick to be put off by others, however the more time they spend with you the more they find you really aren't such a bad guy. You are not OPTIMISTIC, you instead choose to see the world for what it is: "A miserable piece'a shit!" and what the empire's doing isn't of any concern to you, someone with a promising criminal career, one that could get you under the close scrutiny of the Alternian Empire, though you don't give a shit about the empire, all you'd like is TREASURE, of any sort, as such what the empire does [or its current state and views] matters little to you, you just know you need to stay alive and NOT GET CAUGHT, as well as STAND OUT in a way that ensures your survival, you have a plan....but getting there is harder..oh how much harder.

Your interests include, among making conversation with other trolls, trolling the hell out of your friends [higher-bloods work best], swindling, and PLAYING THE VIOLIN (you enjoy that fine wooden instrument). You also like to know what's up in the world of relationships, mainly your friends. You could say you are HALF A SHIPPER, since you don't make it a hobby and don't write anything down. You do however like to keep tabs on others, helping them out and offering advice, since your EXTREME CLEVERNESS is nifty like that. You are also, though it could be argued a bad-habit, a FREQUENT BETTER which is how you end up losing your money MOST OF THE TIME. Other times it makes you rich, others you lose a lot, your luck does help [or so you think]. Other then that you enjoy the thrill you get out of betting your money, just to make more money. Your favorite two casino-games are Poker and Slot-machines, and they also play into your sylladex.

Your land is that of LAND OF SLOT AND CHURCH, a very strange expanse of large and small structures. As one gets closer they reveal themselves to be GIANT SLOT-MACHINES and CHURCHES as well as the odd SLOT-MACHINE CHURCH. The air is filled with an orange red-haze making it seem like the sun is permanently setting. The environment suggests a desert of some sort, though it's not hot, there is no water to speak of in the area. Your consorts are BEARDED DRAGONS, which makes sense considering how dry the place seems. You are the Seer of Class ((though I am not aware of what relevance this will have, if you'd like me to change it, please don't be afraid to say so :B )) though you don't know that at all.
Your Sylladex is CASINO-MODUS which includes a vast array of different Casino-type games inorder to get your items, and in some cases earn more money. You mainly use the Slot-machine modus in that larger package. As for your weapons? You enjoy using something small and wieldy, so you use KNIFEKIND but BUTTERFLYKNIFE KIND to be more specific. Your Echelader goes a bit like this:

^^^^^Slot-Maestro ^^^^^
^^^^Blackjack's Bane^^^^
^^^Weighted Dice thrower^^^
^^Small-time luck-chump^^
^Casino mop^

You're a real bad-boy of a troll, and you like it that way....SOMEONE has to keep things interesting around here.
Your trolltag satansCat and you tend to Type inn'a manner that's *snrk* quite entertainin if I do say so myself, ya see? Hehehe...

GENERAL INFO

Name - Eniine Estiel
Age - 8.33 Sweeps
Gender: Male
Height: 5'11
Weight: 151
Hemospectrum - Teal (005151)
Trolltag - satansCat
Quirk: People are funny to you, as such you like to laugh, hehehe *snrk* alot. You also have normal grammar and punctuation, though you do use improper English like ya'll, don'tcha, ain't...etc.
Strife Specibi - KNIFEKIND/BUTTERFLYKIND
Title: BLANK of BLANK
Land: Slot and Church
Consorts: Bearded Dragons
Dreamer: Derse
Themesong: K the Magician



How's it look? Any problems? I'm in need of a talk sprite though, anyone willing to help a fellow out?

[Firebird766]

I'm not sure what the general fanon stance is on using Chinese characters for signs, first of all. I suspect it would be better if you changed it, though.

Now for some more solid criticism. How does he get away with being mouthy, aside from just being lucky? Trolls don't seem like the sort to let someone just slip out of blame, or even go looking for proof for that matter. How are you going to justify him having found Hearts Boxcar's stuff? I mean, connections to canon characters are pretty iffy for fancharacters to have, and the Midnight Crew were exiled to Alternia long after its destruction by meteor. I would suggest just nixing it, really.

As for the structure of the profile, you have a ton of run-on sentences. Split those up a bit. Your paragraphs are rather big too, and I'm quite sure you don't need all that detail. Especially the details that you repeat a lot.

[Yossarian]

Thankyou for the help!


Let me explain the character, I used it simply based on the fact that since there is a lack of "rule/s" regarding it it's fair game, so long as it makes sense. I strive to make everything explainable even if I am not able to explain everything (at first)

As for the other stuff, I've changed, deleted, and edited the mistakes you mentioned, cleaned up the profile a bit. I deleted some of the times I repeated the detail for certain things.

[Teslamagnetic Integration]

Yugioh is a name of a fictional person. So it'd just be called Troll Yugioh.

^ This

Not even close. Not even close.

EDIT: So this will be on subject; Yu-Gi-Oh!'s name (which means King of Games) and basis is based off of "Ro-Sham-Bo", which is known as Rock-Paper-Scissors. This was before "duel monsters", which the card game (Note: THE CARD GAME, NOT THE SERIES) is based off of--that being Duel Monsters, not Yu-Gi-Oh! Yu-Gi-Oh! is just the title of the series. There is no character named that. If you wanted to be specific, call it "Duel Beasts" or something variant while having fun with synonyms. Haphazardly slapping "troll" on something and thinking it works does not work at all, and implies laziness. Not that I'm calling anyone lazy, mind you, but it definitely implies it. If you're willing to be creative, either go all the way, or don't bother.

[Silvy]

Aug, symbol identicality detected!



I guess mine is a little more symbolic than yours???

I suppose, mine was just some silly owl thing ;0c

Yugioh is a name of a fictional person. So it'd just be called Troll Yugioh.

First of all. NO NO NO NO NO.

Let me tell you something. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
Yugioh is not the name of
ANYBODY.

The characters name is Yugi. Not Yugioh. That'd be dumb.

((ps i really like yugioh pls dont just say things like that))

[Strider]

Or you can accept the fact that not everyone is going to think of everything all at once and try not to be an asshole like you just were. And the glory of it all is that it can totally work!

Going to momentarily disregard your suggestion because rude you, but I may or may not take it under advisement later.

Also, can we please just say conversation ended before more obvious rudeness? Or do I have to bring a mod in here? :/

[Firebird766]

To me, it doesn't seem rude enough to bring a mod in.

[Teslamagnetic Integration]

Or you can accept the fact that not everyone is going to think of everything all at once and try not to be an asshole like you just were. And the glory of it all is that it can totally work!

Going to momentarily disregard your suggestion because rude you, but I may or may not take it under advisement later.

Also, can we please just say conversation ended before more obvious rudeness? Or do I have to bring a mod in here? :/

I was being quite neutral, actually, and simply corrected an error while giving some advice and constructive criticisms over naming things.

If you want to project hostility, that's your case, but there is definitely none presented in my case.

This is the critique thread. Critiques happen. If you don't want to have something corrected or given advice, don't post it here. Plain and simple. Otherwise, help will be given like it or not.

[Weeaboo]

Or you can accept the fact that not everyone is going to think of everything all at once and try not to be an asshole like you just were. And the glory of it all is that it can totally work!

Going to momentarily disregard your suggestion because rude you, but I may or may not take it under advisement later.

Also, can we please just say conversation ended before more obvious rudeness? Or do I have to bring a mod in here? :/

To be perfectly honest, there was no way whatsoever that he was being "obviously rude". In fact, I'm sure a mod would agree with Tesla in this case. However, if you still think he's rude, take it to a PM and don't clog up this thread with useless banter.

[Strider]

I will stop. If he was not intending to be rude, I retract my statement from before and apologize. It kind of came across that way to me. So yeah.

[OrangeAipom]

Not even close. Not even close.

EDIT: So this will be on subject; Yu-Gi-Oh!'s name (which means King of Games) and basis is based off of "Ro-Sham-Bo", which is known as Rock-Paper-Scissors. This was before "duel monsters", which the card game (Note: THE CARD GAME, NOT THE SERIES) is based off of--that being Duel Monsters, not Yu-Gi-Oh! Yu-Gi-Oh! is just the title of the series. There is no character named that. If you wanted to be specific, call it "Duel Beasts" or something variant while having fun with synonyms. Haphazardly slapping "troll" on something and thinking it works does not work at all, and implies laziness. Not that I'm calling anyone lazy, mind you, but it definitely implies it. If you're willing to be creative, either go all the way, or don't bother.

The character's name is Yugi, but that's not long enough to be a troll name.

[Quincunx]

We're not critiquing troll Yugi here.

[Yossarian]

Fuck yeah, Yu-gi-oh

[Firebird766]

Can I get some critique for my guy further up the page, please?