EQUIQUEST: 2010: CON YA DIGGIT? (SEX SEX SEX)

[OrangeAipom]

Why is she cosplaying as herself? And what's the white thing behind her?

[Naristar]

Oh hell!
Poor Nepeta!
Look at your chat logs and see who you talk to the most contact that person
*cough*equis*cough*

[Weather Report]

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Now the story's really percolating. I hope we're ready to shoot out of the Cradle in a couple more days/updates.

> Why is she cosplaying as herself? And what's the white thing behind her? And look at your chat logs and see who you talk to the most, then contact that person!



Shoosh! She can’t hear you now, she is too focused on racing across the landscape to reach her good friend who is in HUUUUUGE danger!! In fact, I shouldn’t have even told you to tell us what happens next. But if you are very curious, she is running with such passion she is leaving pure after-images of herself in the air.

She is also in an Equiquest of her own. Having been Hussie-led into a bad situation herself.

But enough about her for now. You’ll see her soon.

> Then what now?











Back in the real world, John and Vriska are busy being stupid outside the Chuck E’ Cheese’s. There are great things happening inside. Name some kids. Let’s see if you can be any of them.

[Naristar]

Terezi, Eridian, Gamzee, Dave, rose

[Weather Report]

> Nepeta: Be Terezi.

Terezi is not in the Chuck E. Cheese's. She is chilling at home, using her STYLISH LAPTOP to...



Oh god. What is all of this.



Don't zoom out any further, please.



JOOOOONAAAAAAAAAASSSSS

> Terezi: Be Gamzee.

Yeah, I guess we've had enough of that.

But as it turns out, Gamzee is not currently at the Chuck E. Cheese's either! He is just now returning from a relatively short SUMMER VACATION, or to put it more precisely, JULY BREAK. Your class is in session through summer- as you already know.



Wait, what's this he's doing? What is he



Oh, never mind then. We must have the wrong person. It seems we have instead located a lover of both MS PAINT ADVENTURES and DEATH NOTE who appears to be an ETHNIC SCOTT PILGRIM, or perhaps GEROMY. And besides that, he won't be doing anything exciting for a while, being in a FAST CAR and all.

> Gamzee: Jump through window.

If there's something you're not, it is most definitely a SUICIDAL MANIAC.

> Gamzee: Be Rose.

You are now ROSE, and you are also not at the Chuck E. Cheese's. You're a good innocent kid. Let's just see that book you're reading...



Schlooooock.

========> Read "AGATHA PROIROT AND THE MYSTERIOUS HOUNDS OF NEO BASKERVILLE"

Are you seriously interested in this horrendous story?! Okay fine, you are intently reading the book.



You have to admit, it's better than you expected it to be at first.

> Rose: Be Eridan.

ERIDAN is not at the Chuck E. Cheese's as well! Let us go and be him for a spell.



This looks promising enough.

You are ERIDAN AMPORA and you would have to say that your favorite show of all time is KING OF THE HILL. PLEASE IGNORE THE CHOWDER HAT ON YOUR HEAD. In your dedicated obsession with KotH you have amassed a vast collection of several VHS TAPES containing precious recordings of it, INCLUDING VARIOUS RERUNS. Due to your club-hopping tendencies, you have accumulated a myriad of TALENTS. Your favorite catchphrase is "I'm a meat and potatoes - um...boy".

Sadly this makes you the MOST NORMAL PERSON WE HAVE BECOME ALL CHAPTER.

> Eridan: Examine TV.



This is one of your favorite episodes - a real KING OF THE HILL. No, you mean as in it's an episode of King of the Hill, and it's one of the best, so it's also a 'king'. You just don't get jokes, do you?

Anyway, this episode should appear to be about HANK HILL, a down-home Texas man (just like you, um, aspire very greatly to be), as he walks around the town of ARLEN whilst threatening to KICK PEOPLE IN THE ASS, often for MINOR AND/OR IRRITATING OFFENSES. It's a hoot!



You watch stoically.



Yep. This sure is one of your favorites I tell you what. And you are not getting off this couch until you FINISH YOURSELF SOME KOTH.

You are DEDICATED.

What are you even DOING?

> Eridan: Be Dave.

It just so happens that Dave IS in the Chuck E. Cheese's. Okay, we can do this...



You are DAVE STRIDER, and GOD do you love Homestuck. Your interests include BEING RICH and A LOVE OF HOMESTUCK THAT IS SO INTENSE IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. You have used quite a lot of your BRO'S sweet cash to buy every piece of MERCH that Homestuck has and has ever had to offer. Like, you can't even count it all. You have SEVERAL COPIES OF YOUR OWN CHARACTER'S SHIRT as well, and have downloaded EVERY HOMESTUCK ALBUM onto your MP3 THING. Which by the way has a CUSTOM-MADE HOMESTUCK-THEMED CASING over it.

You would have to say you're a much more adamant fan of the series than John.

Oh, and also, you are very good at HACKING CELL PHONE GAMES for your aquaintances and can usually be found with some ELECTRONICS or playing some SICK MP3-DERIVED BEATS. Most of which are from Homestuck. Which is a great series by the way.

What will you do now?

What's that thing in the background?

Oh, that's just the Tower of Pow



ARADIA!?!?

> Dave: Watch Aradia while you play unfitting music.

Let's see here...



All of this music is extremely unfitting.

You are really selling yourself out and you know it. But dang! Homestuck is just so great and everyone should read it!

> Dave: Save Aradia!

What? Hellz no! Aradia's wearing a skirt for pete's sake! Some way or another people would interpret it the wrong way and you'll get hit by something heavy, like in the cartoons. You know how these situations work out. Or you'll get sued, and everyone knows how much rich people love money. Besides, she got herself up there so it's her job to get back down.

[Naristar]

At least find out why she's up there!

[Aureate]

+1 Stalker >.>

[Weather Report]

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+1 Stalker >.>

Oh dear.

Also, tonight I am putting in a plea to get moved to the main forum, so keep your eyes perked or something.

> Dave: At least find out why she's up there!

She usually pulls stunts like this. She won't say why, but the collective town of Houston has accepted the fact that she's just crazy.

If you wanted a real answer you'd have to be, like, I dunno, Aradia herself.

> Dave: Be Aradia.



You are ARADIA HUSSIE and you hate Andrew Hussie SO MUCH. He's the most disturbing human being on this green earth if you do say so yourself, AND YOU DO. You don't have many interests besides DESPISING ANDREW, FEARING ANDREW, AVOIDING ANDREW, and WATCHING THE SPORTS.

Right now you spy a couple of wily little Andrews coming your way, like little scurrying crab monsters. he thing about your insanity is that you can never tell which Andrew's the real one, or when he's going to show up!



OH SHIT HE'S COMING OUT OF THE CEILING!!!!! THIS IS JUST WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO AVOID FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR.

> Aradia: Rebel.

No time for rebellion now! You can feel your sweaty fingers slipping right off the TOWER OF POWER!



Just then, NEPETA suddenly calls out from the ARCADE AREA, asking you if you would like to play some STREET FIGHTER with her. Of course you misconstrue this as being a completely fake game called HUSSIE FIGHTER. You are so startled by this that you let go of the tower entirely!

> Aradia: Drop.



You hit the floor like a wet Andrew Hussie.

> Dave: Help her up!



You deem this situation to be PRETTY SAFE by your standards, and pull Aradia up to her feet. She effectively swoons all over you and sputters a 'thanks Dave'.

Aradia OBVIOUSLY digs you. About half the chicks you know happen to want your body. And the other half will come around eventually.

Someday they'll look at you in your Homestuck digs and say to themselves...



WHAT A STUD

[greenMachine]

>Aradia: OH NO IT'S HUSSIE RUN!

[Weather Report]

> Aradia: OH NO IT'S HUSSIE RUN!

[Aureate]

> Aradia: Freakout x2 Combo.
> Manager: Wonder wtf is going on.

(also, stalker approval.)

[OrangeAipom]

> Aradia: If you fear Andrew Hussie so much, why did you marry him?

[Naristar]

Run to nepeta for safty!

[littlebeasti]

This is absolutely absurd.
> Aradia: Flashback to when Hussie hackedphotoshopped you into having this neurosis.

[Weather Report]

> Aradia: If you fear Andrew Hussie so much, why did you marry him?



Oh no no no! You are merely related to Andrew as a cousin, like your BROTHER, Sollux. You deem Andrew to be the least marryable man on earth! Who would even suggest that! Unless someone ELSE wants to marry him, in which case they should leave you out of it! All he is to you is a degenerate stalker pedo madman creepazoid who watches all the kids and BOY is your blood pressure going up!!

> Aradia: Flashback to when Hussie photoshopped you into having this neurosis.



Ahhhhhhhh!! No, you wouldn’t dare recall this even in any way shape or form at this time! If you did, you may have a heart attack or something horrible like that from the sheer unpleasantry that comes with that faraway day! THINKING about thinking about that is really doing a number on your psyche! And it wasn't even photoshop! It was something far, far worse. Something no human should ever do to another!

You’d be better off asking lil’ Aradia to go over this under different circumstances, where she wouldn’t be crazy like she is today. Be nice to her.

> Aradia: Freakout x2 Combo.



Your NERVES have maxed out! This is very bad!

Dave gets caught up in all the mayhem and freaks out too, a little!

> Manager: Wonder what the fuck is going on.





You reach out to try and help the girl on the floor, but she is too far gone. You decide it’s best to let nature take its course.

> Run to Nepeta for safety!





Fine, says Dave to you, the reader. He’s not having any more of this bullshit. You can be him when you’re done with that chick. He’s not going to just stand around and wait.

He can talk to you like that because he’s just that cool.

He abandons Aradia and heads over to the arcade game machines. Maybe you should follow him this time and see what’s up over there. If you want, that is.

[OrangeAipom]

> Aradia: Oh? So he's not married. Heh. Run along now. Go make out with your brother who looks nothing like you.

[Naristar]

who is this other blond kid
aradia take some valium

[Weather Report]

> Aradia: Oh? So he's not married. Heh. Run along now. Go make out with your brother who looks nothing like you.

[Weather Report]

Who's this other blonde kid?



Why, that's the class' Scandinavian blonde bombshell (self-described), NEPETA LEIJON, known around town for her GOLDEN LOCKS and OBSENE LOVE OF STREET FIGHTER. She is known at times for being PRIDEFUL, but her NEAR-ENDLESS SUPPLY OF POSITIVE ENERGY helps her to earn a number of allies. It is widely agreed that her HIGH-FAULTIN' NATURE sure is a hoot (sic)!

========>



She's playing Sollux in Street Fighter 4 HD Turbo Alpha 4Ever Gigamix The Movie The Game with her newest crush, T. HAWK. Previously it was ABEL, but her tastes change often. Also nobody cares about Abel.

> Dave: Speak.

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DAVE: yo
NEPETA: DIE, FREAK!
NEPETA: oh sorry, i meant sollux!
SOLLUX: thank2 alot, bitch
DAVE: its cool nep
SOLLUX: no it2 not! god damn!
NEPETA: h33 h33 h33, t. hawk is so beast :3
SOLLUX: if you love him so much why dont you dre22 up as him?
NEPETA: duh!! im saving up for it
NEPETA: hows aradia doing? she looks rough
DAVE: eh yknow

> Aradia: Take some valium.



There's no medication for what ails YOU...

========>

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SOLLUX: aw man, the2e panic attacks've been getting more frequent lately
NEPETA: im gonna go keep her company for a while :3
SOLLUX: yeah, we're totally ditching you bro
DAVE: oh thats cool
DAVE: ill go check with kan for a while

> Dave: Go see Kan.



Oh, where is she again?



There she is.

> Dave: Go to her.

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DAVE: i see youve been pretty fuckin busy
KANAYA: You Don't Even Know
KANAYA: I'm Building Up To That SWEET Bionicle Set Up There For 5000 Tickets
DAVE: dube you got like two or three up in that bitchin pile right now
KANAYA: Dube No Its Dude You Dubus
DAVE: mspa in-joke
KANAYA: I Know I Know
KANAYA: Care To Join Me
DAVE: dont mind if i do

By the way, who else is here?



Oh yeah, Tavros and Jade are here too in the skytubes. But you're not going in to check on them. Thee only reason you invited that guy was because Jade and Tav are practically conjoined at the hip, and she may have skipped out on this thing otherwise.

And why Jade specifically? 'Cause, there's like just this ANIMAL ATTRACTION between you two. You know it.

[Naristar]

(Jade and Tavros? bwahahaha)
Dodge Incomming child in the tubes
Dave explain this attraction!

[Weather Report]

> Dave: Explain this attraction!



Oh, it's pretty simple really. You spend a lot of time talking with Jade online after school, on account of you two being long-time friends. Many of your convos happen to go like this:

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AD: sooo coool!
MK: damn straight son

That's all on account of you being so straight up awesome bro. You are chill like nothing Texas has ever experienced before. Not even during the ice age.

By the way, your chathandle is s$madKash$s since you've got enough Franklins to fund an entire small country. Like Luxembourg.

> Tavros + Jade: Dodge incoming child in the tubes!



WARNING: CHILD IS IMMINENT.

Nobody is dodging anybody! Before he can even say "hey mister can I play in the car for a while?”, you, Tavros, whirl around and snarl at the little beast, flames in hand! He scuttles away like a sad crab. Now that he's gone you can get back to playing your CRAPPY CELL PHONE GAME.



You are at present trying to make the most of your five-dollar purchase of AUTO-TOUHOU, which has been marketed by Dave as THE TOUHOU YOU CAN PLAY AUTOMATICALLY. If that's true you can play EVERY SINGLE FUNCTIONING GAME automatically, but that's besides the point. The point is, this game is terrible. Just look at it.

Look at it.

Okay that's enough looking.



...Oh wait, no. You can't play now. Not when Jade is looking over at you so...askancely. Just when you were starting to have a good time! Jade LOVES Touhou, and now the moment is simply ruined.

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JADE: um...
JADE: dont you think you might be going a little far with the flames?
JADE: i know thats your thing, but flames are dangerous!
TAVROS: bUT THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE SKYTUBES I MEAN,
TAVROS: aND WE ARE TO BE UNDISTURBED,
JADE: ...
TAVROS: lOOK, aLL I'M SAYING IS THAT THE CAR IS THE ONLY PART WORTH BEING IN,
TAVROS: wE CAN SEE THE PRIZE RACK FROM HERE,
TAVROS: iT'S LIKE SOME 50'S DRIVE-IN MOVIE,
JADE; wow, im sorry for making this so awkward!
TAVROS: nO,
TAVROS: iT'S MY FAULT,
JADE: its okay, though! really!
TAVROS: nO, fIRE IS JUST MY THING,
TAVROS: tHAT'S HOW IT'S ALWAYS BEEN,
TAVROS: aS A KID I HAD A SICK OBSESSION WITH MY MAGNIFYING GLASS,
TAVROS: mY PARENTS TOOK IT AWAY ON ACCOUNT OF ME BURNING ALL THE ANTS,

OH my god, YOU are just rambling.

Just then, Jade's TRACFONE starts to beep. It seems that Vriska is
texting her. Good, maybe that can clear the air.

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JADE: vriska says theres something important to announce, and that we have to go see her RIGHT NOW!
TAVROS: wHY DID SHE TEXT YOU BUT NOT ME,
JADE: well, probably because she doesn't want to waste any money!
TAVROS: iN THAT CASE,
TAVROS: wHY DIDN'T SHE COME UP HERE HERSELF,
TAVROS: i MEAN, SHE'S AT THE CHUCK E. CHEESE'S AS FAR AS I KNOW,
TAVROS: eITHER WAY CAN YOU TELL HER I'LL JUST BE HERE IN MY CAR FOR A FEW MINUTES,
JADE: just told her well be right there, sorry!
TAVROS: dAMNIT,
TAVROS: iS THERE ANY WAY I CAN JUST LIKE, eSCAPE HER AND JOHN'S COLLECTIVE RADAR,
JADE: theyre waving right at us, tavros!!!
TAVROS: wELL FUCK WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER WE LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF IDIOTS NOW,
JADE: i thought you knew!
TAVROS: jUST LET ME SIT IN MY CAR FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES,
JADE: you don't have anything against your classmates, do you?
TAVROS: nO,
TAVROS: iT'S JUST THAT,
TAVROS: i LIKE MY CAR,
TAVROS: aND, uHH, i'M AFRAID THAT SOME KIDS MIGHT STEAL IT,
JADE: this isnt your car though! think of it as...THE WORLDS CAR!
JADE: does that make you feel better?
TAVROS: a LITTLE, i GUESS,
TAVROS: nO SORRY ACTUALLY NOT REALLY,
JADE: okay! then let's go!!!

========>









As Jade grabs you by the arm, you find yourself staring into her deep, shining eyes. There's so much you want to say to these eyes, these jewels of lustrous green.

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THOUGHTLOG
yOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW, i'M A FIERCELY TERRITORIAL GUY,
i DON'T LIKE CHANGE,
cAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF MY FAMILY MOVED,
sO I'M KIND OF PATHETIC THAT WAY,
tHE ONLY THING I CAN TRULY BELIEVE IN IS THE UNFAILING STRENGTH OF THE FLAMES,
eRUPTING FROM MY FIFTY-CENT LIGHTER,
tHIS IS MY TREASURE,
iTS LIGHT IS LIKE THE HEARTH, uHH, oF YOUR EYES,
i THINK,
uHH, i DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER SPILLED MY GUTS OUT TO ANYONE LIKE THIS BEFORE,
mENTALLY, eVEN,
bUT,
oH, nEVER MIND,
yOU'RE OUTSIDE,
lIKE, RIGHT NOW,
sO I WASN'T EVEN SITTING HERE WITH ANYONE,
fAKE TALKING TO THEM, lIKE, tHE WHOLE TIME,
wELL, i GUESS THAT MEANS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, sKYTUBE CAR,
nOW YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND ME, aND STUFF,
aND SO WITH THIS LIGHTER LET ME LIGHT YOUR IGNITION,
aND WE WILL RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET,
wAIT,
tHAT ISN'T EVEN HOW CARS WORK,
mUCH LESS THIS ONE,

Dang. Just thinking about it all puts a load off your back. Still, what a missed opportuni-



Wait. Who's this beside you?

Oh my fuckin fuck god how long has THIS kid been here!?

> Tavros: Engage.



Engard! You bring him to tears and send him running. This is good. You very much enjoy protecting your territory.

[OrangeAipom]

> He told his mommy the policeman that a bad person put flames in his face

[Naristar]

go see what veriska want's already Jade
figure Tavros will catch up!

[Weather Report]

> He told his mommy the policeman that a bad person put flames in his face.



OH NO. You didn't know his mommy was a POLICEMAN.

Luckily you scamper off before s/he can notice you. In order to do so you'll have to leave your sweet, sweet car.

It's a risk you'll have to take.

> Jade: Go see what Vriska wants already! Figure Tavros will catch up!

You leave your bud behind and join Vriska, who has already assembled most of your Chuck E. Cheese-dwelling classmates. However, before we can learn what this meeting is about, we have to go and be...

> Equius: What's up homie?



No idea. You're just doing what feels right, y'know? Educated guesses, just like Einstein.

> What's that?



Oh, this? Why it's a regular looking glass, that's what! Neato!

> No, the other.



Oh. That. It's a scary robot that loves you. It is hilarious, and yet so utterly depraved. Terrible.

> Talk to Aradia.

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apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

AA: what did y0u d0
CT: D--> I don't know I just put the robot in the ball so it could be a helpful ally or something
AA: whatever y0u d0 d0 n0t pr0t0type it a sec0nd time
AA: that r0b0t is critical t0 0ur success and i need t0 get int0 it bef0re we can advance t0 vict0ry
CT: D--> Okay
CT: D--> I'll deal with it somehow
AA: als0 d0es that r0b0t l0ve y0u 0r s0mething
CT: D--> For some reason
AA: why w0uld y0u build a r0b0t f0r my c0rp0real f0rm t0 inhabit that lusts after y0u s0
CT: D--> I frankly have no idea why
AA: fix it
CT: D--> You got it boss
CT: D--> That's why you're the boss
CT: D--> But how do I fix it
CT: D--> I don't see any t001s
CT: D--> Heh I just really wanted to see that word automatically change to a 100 again
CT: D--> 101
AA: f0cus 0n y0ur cruxite task at hand and w0rk 0n the r0b0t later 0k
CT: D--> Um

apocalypseArisen [AA] has ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

> Look at the time.



You're running late and only have about two minutes to do whatever! What are you supposed to do, break the GLASS?

> Shove your meaty fist glassward.



OW. That was a HORRIBLE idea. Maybe even the worst idea you've ever HAD. You hate being so WEAK. Back to the drawing board.

> Get the super-strong robot to do it.





You push the presumably well-polished cobalt at your robo buddy, but she declines! You know what, though? Now you're gonna have to bust out the good old personal SUGGESTION BOX.

[S???] > Equius: Call for help!

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Welp, okay guys. We're planning and working on a sequence of SEQUENTIAL ART. We can't do flash, and we barely know gifs, so we're just gonna embed a video and have you all scroll to it. But first, we need some things. What should Equius be told to do and by whom? We gotta get three ideas (or so). We'll probably be finished in two-three days, so don't expect us to fly off the radar. It's just sixty pictures!

[OrangeAipom]

There's more than one person working on this?