EQUIQUEST: 2010: CON YA DIGGIT? (Ha ha, don't ever be a Tavros, be a tactful human)

[Naristar]

examine sea horses

[Weather Report]

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I hope that by this point it is widely accepted that this story is a parody, not anything inflammatory or derogatory (we ain't dissin' da huss-man), and that we love Troll Session with such a passion that we're misspelling it.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!



YOU DO NOT TELL ANDREW HUSSIE WHAT TO DO.

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You would go in-depth about your likes and interests, but you do not have the time for this! You are preparing to play a video game with your friends!

It's a good idea to give Sollux a fair warning about what's going down.

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CC: )(----EY SOLLUX!
CC: I'm plugging in the GRUBS!
CC: G----ET R----EADY TO PLAY T)(----E GAM----E!
CC: SGRUB!

Meanwhile, further beneath the waves...



A lone piece of seaweed is about to achieve its destiny.

> Kelp: Succeed.



Yeah, sometimes you can call seaweed "kelp". It doesn't matter. This little kelp shimmies around, touching a mysterious tendril.

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This tentacle belongs to the emmisary of the Horrorterrors, Gl'bgolyb. Tickled sufficeintly, the creature prepares to launch THE VAST CHUCKLE, a tremendous psychic shockwave capable of killing all trolls yellow-blooded and below via brain anyeurism. Green bloods and above would be left completely unnaffected, ignoring all consequences.

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Luckily, or unluckily, all of our low-blooded trolls have already entered the Medium.

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Except Sollux.

Meanwhile.



A douchebag waits above the waves for his queen.

> Eridan: Realize you're a douchebag.





He realizes that he is a douchebag.

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That oughta learn him.

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Then again, which shirt is best? You'd better ask his advice. And his ladyfriend's.

[Naristar]

I like his current shirt

[OrangeAipom]

the black one.

let's create a time paradox.

[Weather Report]

> Andrew: Choose the red one. No wait, choose the black one and cause a time paradox!



Oh no, I wasn't refering to you readers, I meant Sollux outside and Nepeta whenever she runs in. And I won't allow any paradoxes, I've got some careful time loops to uphold here.

> Sollux: Break in!!



You are sad to report that you are too weak to do that. Your epic entrance keeps getting lamer by the second. You'd better think of something to leave an impact and fast!

> Jade: Run into your dad's room.



During all the commotion going on downstairs, you make a break for the master bedroom. You've never been in here before, so this oughta be an interesting experience.

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Wow, what a nice room!

D'aww, that's where your painting of the family went! How sweet!

> Jade: Examine pictures.



The big picture here you made sometime around 3rd grade. You called it 'Family Values' and did it for an art competition. You didn't win, so it began to leave a sour taste in your mouth and you threw it away. It seems that Dad rescued this from the trash and enshrined it in his room! You almost feel guilty for snooping around for drugs, but not quite!

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Over on the dresser are some pictures from when Dad was in the Air Force and employed at the EGBERT AND NITRAM LAW FIRM. Too bad it fell through about the time Andrew Hussie began the highly-acclaimed story/epic PROBLEM SLEUTH. Mrs. Nitram now works at a car dealership and rakes in fair cashes.

> Jade: Check under bed for drugs!



Nope, just pr0n. You'll forget you ever saw that.

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Man, this has been incredibly disappointing! At least it was less exciting than you'd expected. It's about time to get outta here...

> Jade: Check closet.



Last chance! If there's nothing here, you'll just vacate the premeses.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

> Jade: Examine cards.



"Do you need something finely crocheted and fast? Then I'm your man!

Ace Egbert, masteregbertcrochets.org"

Wh-what? This whole time your father was living out his childhood dream of running an online crocheted item service?! The hell kind of resolution is that?! How do you make a living off of THAT?!

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And this other card... oh god.

"April 13, 2009

Hey Ace, just wanted to run it by you that I'm stealing your childrens' likenesses for my new hit characters. Also, how do you like the new baby? It sure would be a shame if anything were to happen to him.

If you don't tell, I won't tell!"

Oh my god.

OH MY GOD HE'S THREATENING US WITH THE LIFE OF A BABY!!

> Jade: Do something!



HUSSIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

> Jade: Something else.



Wait, you're not supposed to be screaming in here! You could get caught!

You leave to your room.

[Naristar]

Check on the wellfare of the baby you dropped on the bottom of the stairs

[Weather Report]

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Hey guys, we're about done with the Egberts, and even though tomorrow's gonna be their last day for now in the spotlight, we gotta get some Sollux and Nep commands stocked up and stuff. Could you all oblige a bit for the children of the future (read: 2 days in the future)?

> Jade: Check on wellbeing of fallen baby comrade.



Hearst is perfectly fine, if a bit shaken, sitting there on the couch right where you (accidentally) left'm. Poor guy! You'll say you're sorry later!

> Jade: Enter room.



There you go. You have a great room. It just deserves to be seen.

> Jade: Eye piano.



Oh yes! That's your BIG PIANO. You could never resist the urge to play a good rousing tune on it.

Wow, it's raining and thundering outside now! This puts you in a decently-haunting mood, and you decide to play a HAUNTING MELODY.

That was worth it.

Now, what were you doing again?

> Jade: Contact friends via Chatchum - remember your daddy situation.



Let's see...who's online, for starters? You guess you could talk to someone about the whole Equius-disappearing thing, or maybe your dad and that horrifying letter you found in his closet. Remember that? Yeah.

> Jade: Who's that at the bottom?





Oh, that's Wayland, of course! On the one hand, he probably hasn't heard about any of Andrew's recent suspicious activites. On the other, he does read MSPA with a passion, and he even has his own FAN ADVENTURE based on King of the Hill, called ARLENSTUCK. He could prove useful. So, you give 'im a call.

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appleDarling began chatting with waylandVagaboney.

AD: hey!!!
WV: hello
AD: how are you?
WV: fine how are you
AD: well, honestly im doing fine exceeeept...
AD: its about mspa, sort of!
WV: what about mspa
WV: i have completely caught up with mspa
WV: despite the huge increase in updates
AD: well, thats good!
WV: thanks i'm proud of myself
AD: and of course you know andrew hussie?
WV: the author of homestuck and problem sleuth
AD: yes! me and my friends happen to live in houston where he is governor.
WV: whaaaaat?
WV: that's unbelievable
WV: can you tell me his favorite color
AD: i can tell you more than just his favorite color!
AD: in fact, i'm jade!
WV: wow
AD: and you know what? you are probably the wayward vagabond!
WV; i doubt hussie took any inspiration from me
WV: seeing as i live in oklahoma
WV: but he could observe you since you live right there
AD: ummm i guess that's right!
AD: but the point is, wow, you believed me so easily!
AD: i knew you were the right guy to call!
WV: why not
WV: but i have to ask do you really like plants that much
WV: and are you narcoleptic
AD: i will tell you later.
AD: the point is that ALL my classmates are the other kids and trolls! but thats another situation that i cant talk about right now.
AD: and my father is, no kiddng here, ace dick.
WV: is that his real name
AD: no, his last name is egbert like me and john.
AD: i didn't know what he did for a living for the longest time!
WV: so he is not a detective
AD: sadly no.
AD: but i learned the unimaginable today: he crochets for a living!
WV: that is unexpected but what does he crochete
AD: while i was digging around in my fathers closet i found this really strange and scary note too!
AD: before then i was thinking, how much money could he get from crocheting? we have a very nice and expensive house!
AD: but we also have an adopted baby brother named hearst
WV: i see
AD: and in that letter, it looked like andrew was threatening dad!
AD: he was holding baby hearst in his hands and said it sure would be a shame if anything happened to him!
WV: when was the picture taken
AD: it was dated sometime like march 2009, probably the exact day homestuck started!
WV: the date probably holds some significance
AD: yes, exactly!
AD: i didnt even know where we got the baby from when hearst first arrived, dad wouldn't tell us!
AD: but now i feel like some sort of mystery is coming together...
AD: and that's not even the full story!!!
AD: a bunch of weird and impossible stuff has happened and it seems like it only just started today!
AD: wayland, youre a cop, right?
WV: a cop in-training
AD: maybe you can inevstigate this?
AD: look into the governor's records!
AD: (although i guess that's detective work...)
AD: i know its a stretch but...you can do it, maybe?
WV: yes
AD: really? :D
WV: of course this could be a serious case of blackmail on andrew's part
WV: but first i need evidence namely
WV: whodunit and how
AD: i think its obvious andrew's doing this!
WV: hard evidence is necessary
WV: if this is to be presented in a court of law
WV: not only do we need to recover that letter but we also have to prove that andrew is supplying ace egbert with funds necessary to cover living expenses
AD: so much work to be done! /:
WV; but first you have to tell me
WV: are you really a narcoleptic
AD: okay, here goes...
AD: my name is jade egbert, age 14, i like plants but dont have any, i play the piano and bass but not the flute, i am a silly girl sometimes, i am definitely not a narcoleptic and my dreams are totally normal, i have a brother named john but dave and rose are in no way related to me!
AD: my grandpa is alive (i think) but he does not live here, we have a dog but his name is davidson. my dad does not shoot or like blue ladies or even build robots, he is still alive, reads hunk rump magazines and crochets for a living as far as i know, not to mention probably gets some money and support from andrew. i have never handled a gun in my life, and i do not dream of becoming a furry! i am very upset about that last change to my mspa character :C.
WV: is hunk rump an actual brand name
AD: i dunno, i guess it is! i just learned about it recently but that is not the point!
AD: oooooh my gooooosh! so much is happening todaaay!
AD: i could have lived my whole life without knowing that, in fact!
WV: i still have a lot to ask you
WV: does john like movies so intensely
WV: have you read any of rose's stories
WV: does dave have an older brother
WV: and do you know anyone named 'becquerel'
AD: dont ask me, ask them!
AD: i will give you john's chathandle to start! his name is prettycoolSepulcherdude
WV: it's okay because i have to go update arlenstuck now
AD: you HAVE to? :0
WV: yeah i have a schedule going
WV: and i cannot disappoint the readers
AD: sorry but that sounds like a big chore!
WV: it's a fun and exciting job
AD: then ill talk to you later!!! thanks for your help!
WV: you're welcome
WV: wait i almost forgot
WV: i'm moving to houston very soon
WV: goodbye and i'll see you later

waylandVagaboney has left the chat.

AD: WOAH WAIT WHAT??? :O

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[OrangeAipom]

> Be that guy who is the only Homestuck character in Massachusetts.

[Weather Report]

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Spoiler: We're going back to Sollux tomorrow. Direct all questions, comments an concerns toward his great adventures.

Be that guy who is the only Homestuck character in Massachusetts.



Are you sure you want to do that? And there’s even three of these freaks to boot! Better choose someone else.

> John: Read Homestuck.



You sit in your room at your computer, busy and junk. From downstairs your dad yells, “HEY JOHN, DID YOU DO SOMETHING TO HEARST??”, and you call back “UuuaaaUUUUauauaua... I’m just reading Homestuck! I didn’t do anything!”, to which he replies “Okay then.”.

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You are not reading Homestuck.

Hm. Wow. Really? This is actually incredibly sad. Staring at possibly NSFW artwork of your girlfriend, inserted into the story not even three hours ago?

Maybe you need to rethink your priorities here or something.

Oh hey Equius’ time just synched back up with yours! Better say something!

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equiusZahak [EZ] began chatting with prettycoolSepulcherdude [PS]

EZ: John
PS: hey equius! it’s been a few hours, huh?
EZ: What, no it's just been maybe ten minutes or so since you helped me out there
EZ: Also thanks for helping me out there
PS: maybe trolltime is different from ours?
PS: and don't mention it, anybody else would have done the same had they known where you are.
PS: which they do now.
EZ: Oh shit that's right
EZ: Please tell me nobody's doing anything that could get them in the same shape as I am
PS: ...
EZ: That is not reassuring
PS: nope, nobody I can think of!
EZ: Ok
EZ: That's a huge relief
EZ: Also the troll version of your girlfriend is harassing me now
EZ: What should I do?
PS: oh, you're on the last update of the day! that makes sense.
PS: i would say that you need to give her what she wants, which is the aradia robot.
EZ: How, it's already my kernelwhatever
PS: just make a new one! get a picture of aradia, a robot code, and send them over!
EZ: Dagnabbit it sounds so obvious when you put it that way
PS: lol!
EZ: Thanks man
EZ: If there's anything I can do for you, just call me up
EZ: You need a hella funny story event just send me a text telling me to combine Sweet Jeffy with something
PS: dude, that's not even the name of the SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF STORY!
EZ: 8^y
PS: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! you got me there man!
PS: see you later!
EZ: Sure thing bud

prettycoolSepulcherdude [PS] has ceased chatting with equiusZahak [EZ]

Hmm. You start to wonder, was it okay not to tell him how strangely Sollux was acting at the Chuck 'E Cheese's? Well no matter, it sure can't come back to bite anyone in the ass!

But the question remains: should you go back to looking at sexy Vriska pics? The question lays heavily on you for a long time.

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Hey a new update!

[OrangeAipom]

> Examine God Tier outfit photograph.

[Naristar]

Sollux prepaire to set things on fire!

[Weather Report]

> John: Examine God Tier outfit photograph.



Well, you don't quite understand what a God Tier is, what with it being July 2010 but OH DEAR GOD YOU SUDDENLY GET A CASE OF THE VAPORS!! That mosaic is seriously covering some messed-up shit, you swear!

Yeah we're better off being someone else for now.

[OrangeAipom]

If it's July 2010, how does he have that? Unless he's the one in the photo...

Let's be WV.

[Weather Report]

If it's July 2010, how does he have that? Unless he's the one in the photo...

Let's be WV.

He has that poster of John in his room for humor's sake.

But no WV!! Sollux time! We're ending this chapter next week so we gotta move onto Sollux matters like setting things on fire! And Nep stuff because she's close by and stuff.

[greenMachine]

>Sollux: Well, the thread title says you can't be stopped, so just run into the door!

Wait, no, that's stupid!

>Did you at least try to open the door normally? Or did you just assume it was locked? You really shouldn't go in there anyways. Not without backup. And your troll counterpart is dead, so who knows what would happen if Andrew puts you inside the comic...

[Weather Report]

> Sollux: Prepare to set things on fire.







Preparations nulled by rain deluge, sir! You would light this whole place up if if it wasn't RAINING outside. You do not even remember why you thought that would work. Wishful thinking, maybe.

> Sollux: You can't be stopped, so run through the door.



YOU HAVE BEEN EASILY AND SUCCESSFULLY STOPPED.

AUGH OW WHY DOES DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR SOMEONE ELSE HURT SO MUCH?!

Hmm. Yep, it's locked.

> Sollux: Realize you have a CARD KEY!



Oh, that's right. Do the logical thing.

Andrew entrusted you with this key but, to be honest, it hasn't proved useful in the past. Attempts to steal any of his possessions have proved fundamentally unfruitful; your various missions of theft and espionage have always been met by swift and strict retaliation.

The more you stare at your key, the more it dawns on you that Andrew knows you're already out here. Who knows what sort of traps he has set up for you? Maybe he's gonna kill you when you enter the story or something??

What are you doing, here without any backup?! Usually when coming to see Andrew, fearful as it is, you brought Aradia along with you, bless her heart.

But then again, is this something you want someone else to deal with?

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This morbid shit is a real downer, but you have a plan. If you act smart and fast enough not to get pulled into the story, then you won't have to deal with any of that! You're so smrt.

...Enough of this shit! It's now or never so deal with it.

> Sollux: ACTION KEY SWIPE.



> Sollux: Flip on lightswitch.



No; it's a snopper. Andrew's favorite invention.

[OrangeAipom]

OH NO YOU CAN SEE THE SOUND EFFECTS RUN RUN

[Mibbs]

hussie: be on the ceiling

[Naristar]

If Andrew is there try Talking to him
if fails brain him with your shoe

[Weather Report]

> Sollux: Examine Motel/Super 8 Motel room.



> Sollux: OH NO YOU CAN SEE THE SOUND EFFECTS RUN RUN



STOP THAT YOU ARE DONE BEING AFRAID OKAY?!

> Hussie: Be on the ceiling.



Oh you readers, you still don't quite get it, do you? Okay then, fine. You can make SUGGESTIONS to me, if you ask nicely. I don't do commands. Now what's Sollux want?

> Sollux: Speak. And if that fails get violent.



You have a hard shoe on you, but maybe it's not time to pull that out yet? You opt for a bit of gentle sarcasm.

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ANDREW: Sollux, hey! I heard you scraping that wet match outside.
SOLLUX: Wow, you really cleaned up in here.

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SOLLUX: Okay, no, enough with the small talk, let'2 cut to the chase: you're a friggin' p2ychopath, co2!
SOLLUX: If you let Eq out of the game, I might be able to forgive you.
ANDREW: You can't change my mind, Sol.
SOLLUX: He'2 already learned hi2 le22on, so let him out!
SOLLUX: He won't me22 with you anymore, I promi2e.
ANDREW: Actually, that confrontation between Equius and I earlier really got me thinking.
ANDREW: It's about time I put these Photoshop powers to use, anyway.
SOLLUX: Okay, be2ides getting your siick fucking kicks out of this, why are you even DOING this, Andrew?
SOLLUX: People will NOTICE and 2ey already HAVE. 2ee tho2e po2ters out2ide? "Have you 2een my son?"
ANDREW: Partly because no one would suspect me - obviously. I'm the governor. I'm a Nobel Prize winner. I'm higher than motherfucking everybody, Sol.
SOLLUX: 2en I gue22 you're ju2t turning into a friggin' comic book villain.
ANDREW: Tell me, Sol, how'd you like the scene where Aurthour died?
SOLLUX: I HATED IT.
SOLLUX: You NEVER li2en to me or Aradia! You never tell u2 any2ing!
SOLLUX: And now you're going around and ruining OTHER people'2 live2!!
ANDREW: Sorry, I just can't take you seriously, Sol.
ANDREW: With those 3-D glasses and the very same shirt as the character you despise.
SOLLUX: YOU 2ut up! I wa2 wearing 2i2 outfit beFORE it wa2 cool!
ANDREW: It was never cool.
ANDREW: Now, tell me another thing, Sol...

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ANDREW: Eight spokes or ten spokes?
SOLLUX: YOU don't 2ee me a2 a 2REAT, DO you?
ANDREW: Sorry, no, Sol.
SOLLUX: DON'T CALL ME 2OL. 2TOP CALLING ME FUCKIN' 2OL.
SOLLUX: IF YOU DON'T 2INK I COULD EVER 2TAND UP TO YOU, 2AT'2 ON YOU!!
SOLLUX: BECAUSE I AM A CREDIBLE THREAT!!

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ANDREW: Your phone is ringing.
SOLLUX: YOU 2HUT THE FUCK U--
SOLLUX: Oh 2hit, you're right. 2hit. Hold on.

Dammit! You wish you'd turned off this shitty thing before you came here. Makes you feel like a fuckin' idiot just thinking about it.

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ANDREW: Your mother is calling.

[OrangeAipom]

Fictional Andrew Hussie, I like your style as an exaggerated comic book villain. Drawing alien furry porn of your underaged cousins is just the icing on the cake.

But there has been a question that's been bugging me for a while. I trust you to answer since you're not as popular as the real Hussie.

When will you get a girlfriend like the real Hussie does?

[wolftamer9]

> Sollux: don't buy this whole "immune" thing. Sure, people like Andrew are respected. But only until their secrets get out. Once that happens, they're the least immune of all. Jail and media scrutiny are pretty much guaranteed for the rest of his life as long as you make the right move.

[Weather Report]

> Fictional Andrew Hussie, I like your style as an exaggerated comic book villain. Drawing alien furry porn of your underaged cousins is just the icing on the cake.

But there has been a question that's been bugging me for a while. I trust you to answer since you're not as popular as the real Hussie.

When will you get a girlfriend like the real Hussie does?



Good question, and thanks for your faux manners! I respect that in a reader. Hmm, that's a tough one.

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In this split universe, I'm just unable to hold a lasting relationship!

SOLLUX: Dammit why do you keep doing 2his?!

[OrangeAipom]

Really? Well, I think there is a situation where we can both win.

For, you see, the man of my flushed affections, First Guardian!Jonathan Coulton, has cheated on me for a pink twink with a pétanque ball for a head. Even though the two of us were not in a relationship at the time. Or ever. But I digress.

There are just some things we extradimensional real people are not meant to know. Alabaster is one of them.

But just now I forogot the point I was supposed to be making as I usually do. I'll get back to you.

[Naristar]

Nepeta see whats going on from the window sneak attack andrew to save sollux