Troll in the Dungeon

[ardentApathy]

Crossposting this from Vriska Quarantine:

Suddenly, a wild IDE appears!

SPOILER'd because roleplay.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

"you there. the piece controlled by the boy. the minotaur headbutts you. roll for reflex."

"shit. i got a 4."

"you are knocked unconscious. the minotaur begins relieving himself on your unconscious form."

"Serves you right for insulting his mother. Or lack thereof."

"come on what? the dude ADMITTED to having two dads, how could i just let that slide"

"Hahahaha, wh8tever, losers! My turn!"

*collective sigh*

"Remember, Vriska, it's ONE d20 to hit, and ONE d8 to damage."

"Pfffffffft. How could I forget after what happened the first time?"

"just roll the gog damn dice already jegus"

"Alright! I make a Knowledge: Architecture check to determine the 8est way to knock down this pillar so it crushes 8oth the Minotaur AND Sir Douchington."

"i told you it's just sir douche, do you EVER listen to me"

"Hahahaha, I'm sorry wh8t?"

"...Just roll the damn dice."

"Natural 20, 8itches! Give me the scoop, Dungeon Mayor!"

"the pillar is of extremely solid construction, and is supporting a several ton slab. it would take a tremendous amount of force, preceded by a cut of admirable precision, followed by a hasty retreat, to accomplish the desired effect."

"Sweet! I take out the LEAST cheap of the cheap piece of shit swords I stole from Sir Douche8agger, get my Wwizard mindslave to get his Imperial Drone summon to make the required cut, and slowly walk away as he tips over the pillar with his dwarf digit."

"very well. i am ruling that to be a three-turn action, one turn to hand over the weapon, another for the slicing of the pillar, and a third for it to fall."

"L88888888me!"

"your turn, madam."

"Good. I create an illusory female Minotaur, give it solid form, and have it tap the male Minotaur on the shoulder."

"oh god not this shit again"

"You realize how path8tic that is, right????????"

"silence. it is a valid request."

"Thank you, Mr. Mayor."

"as you already know, when miss rose's character invents a new spell, the game must take an hour long recess while she records the spell in her majyykal tome."

"ok, fuck this. who's up for pictionary"

"OH MY GOD D1D SOM3ON3 JUST S4Y P1CT1ON4RY???"

"...I h8 you all."

The goal of this thread is simple.

Pretend one or more of the canon Homestuck characters are playing a tabletop roleplaying game. Doesn't necessarily have to be D&D. And...


Let the majyyk...


FLOW. >;]

[Breaker]

"SHIT MAN I TOLD YOU WE WERE LOST"
"ItS Ok mUtHeR FuCkEr I GoT ThIs LoCkEd DoWn"
"DAMN IT. WHY DID I LET YOUR SOPOR EATING BUTT DRIVE... WATCH THE STOP SIGN!"
"ChIlL HoMiE I'm dRiViNg bEcAuSe lAsT TiMe yOu ScReAmEd yOuRsElF UnCoNsCiOuS wHeN sOmEoNe cUt yOu OfF
"I WAS JUST A LITTLE FUCKING TUCKERED OUT. CAN'T A GUY GET TIRED WITHOUT SOME CLOWN GETTING UP HIS GODDAMN ASS ABOUT IT? WHY DID WE EVEN DECIDE TO GO TO THIS SHITTY MAKE BELIEVE PARTY ANYWAY?"
"DuDe i lOvE MoThEr fUcKiNg sHaDoWrUn hOnK! "
"REALLY? I PREFER FOURTH EDITION DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS REALLY. ITS STILL STUPID FAKE PEOPLE AND SILLY FUCKING MAGIC."
"IT'S ATLEAST BETTER THAN GRIMFUCK SHITRUNNER"
"what"
"DID YOU"
"motherfucking"
"SAY???"
"GAMZEE, CHILL THE FUCK OUT. WHY THE HELL DID YOU STOP THE CAR?"
"honk"

Later, a mysterious body is found by the side of the road.

"ONC3 4G41N, TH3 PROFOUND S3NS3S OF TH3 C3L3BR4T3D N3OPHYT3 R3DGL4R3 H4V3 B33N PUT TO TH3 T3ST! TH1S C4S3 1S 4 M3SSY ON3, 1T 4PP34RS SOM3 POOR TROLL H4S H4D H1S H34D S3V3R3D FROM H1S BODY 4ND TH3 R3SULT1NG C4V1TY H4S B33N STUFF3D W1TH 4 V4R13TY OF D1C3"

"STR4NGLY, ONLY TH3 F4M3D S1X S1D3D D13 1S 4BS3NT! TH1S C4S3 W1LL T4K3 4LL OF R3DGL4R3S CUNN1NG!"

[ardentApathy]

"1 ST1LL DON'T UND3RST4ND HOW YOU COULD NOT L1K3 P1CT1ON4RY >:["

"Oh my GOD, just shut up and roll, alr8dy!"

"silence. roll the die, or forfeit your turn, miss."

"W3LLLLLLL... S1NC3 YOU 4SK3D SO N1C3LY..."

"Interesting. It seems Vriska just rolled snake eyes."

"you remember the house rule, vriska. take it or leave it"

"........I still don't understand what this liquid actually IS. It smells poisonous to me."

"it is the choicest of columbian roasts, plucked fresh from a burro's ass"

"Otherwise known as coffee."

"Terezi, you actually DRANK this gar8age????????"

"HOW COULD 1 NOT? 1T JUST SM3LL3D SO..."

"miss, i am afraid i may have to penalize you for delay of game if this persists."

"F1N3. >:["

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You rolled a SEVEN! You know what that means!!!!!!!!"

"ahem. it means that miss pyrope is now dangerously close to becoming one of your thralls. now she must make a fortitude check to resist the poison that she kept in one of her teeth for just such an eventuality."

"HAHAHA-wait. WH8T?!?!?!?!"

"OH D34R. 1 W4S HOP1NG 1T WOULDNT H4V3 TO COM3 TO TH1S M1NDF4NG, BUT YOU L3FT M3 L1TTL3 CHO1C3."

"...Just roll the damn die."

"Mister Mayor, I believe one of my contingency spells is still in effect?"

"Oh for the LOVE of..."

"also, if terezi's dude dies we're gonna go play twister or something"

"R8LL THE D8CE ALR8DY D8MMIT!!!!!!!!"

"no, wait. miss rose is correct. her contingency spell allows her to change a single dice roll to whatever she wishes, once per game."

"Excellent. Then I choose to make the dice roll a coin flip. Terezi gets to decide the stakes."

"That's it. I quit. Scr8w you all."

"hm. interesting. i believe in this scenario, miss serket's character becomes a non-player character. as such, i will assume full control of her until a fitting replacement becomes available."

"Hmmm. Well, I have been trying to encourage Kanaya to come out of her room a bit more often."

"just what this game needs, more snarky broads"

"4H3M. 1 ST1LL H4V3NT M4D3 MY FL1P Y3T."

"all speech must now cease until this flip has been decided. mayor's orders."

*flip*

"it is heads."

"COOL! TH4T M34NS MY GUY 1S D34D, TH3N. D1BS ON VR1SK4S CH4R4CT3R!"

"you magnificent bastard"

"Agreed."

"M3H. 1 PL4N ON ROLL1NG 4 N3W ON3 SOON 4NYW4Y >;]"