Sex Ed Thread Six (Sex, Gender, and Relationship Q&A)

[knottedOdyssey]

Dear Nix, I had the same problem rather recently. Sometimes it clears up and you realize you're actually still in love/like/whatever with your S.O. or sometimes you realize that maybe it isn't meant to be. In my case, I realized that the crush I had was way more platonic than I thought and the boyfriend and I continue to date. Boyfriend and I have a lot of crushes ourselves, often on the same people, hahaha. I wouldn't say having a crush while in a relationship is a bad thing. Being completely and singularly invested in one person would be rather dangerous to your mental health. The key is: are you still happy being with the person you're with at the end of the day? I propose you answer that question for yourself.

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

Okay so my parents have been checking my history for a long time now,

which is really disconcerting because they had no idea that I was gay,

until now :I

They didn't really explicitly say anything. They implied that it's because I've been talking to people online too much, and that it's a phase of some sort.

I am just so beyond pissed with them that I'm basically not talking to them. I don't know; it just feels like a major violation of my privacy. They agreed not to tell my homophobic mother, though, which is good.

This whole ordeal just left me upset and more confused than I was before about my orientation and basically sucks.

[User 18]

Okay so my parents have been checking my history for a long time now,

which is really disconcerting because they had no idea that I was gay,

until now :I

They didn't really explicitly say anything. They implied that it's because I've been talking to people online too much, and that it's a phase of some sort.

I am just so beyond pissed with them that I'm basically not talking to them. I don't know; it just feels like a major violation of my privacy. They agreed not to tell my homophobic mother, though, which is good.

This whole ordeal just left me upset and more confused than I was before about my orientation and basically sucks.

Well, it is a violation of your privacy, but there's nothing really you can do about it other than be angry (which it seems you are already).

It sucks that they aren't more supportive, but at least it's not as bad as it could have been?

[Blueberry]

If you'd like some resources for your parents (re: it's just a phase, etc) i can probably dig some up for you! being outed is awful no matter what the circumstances, but it's good that they didn't get too angry or anything?

e: the violation of privacy is a whole nother issue and one i feel VERY strongly about. I personally set my browser to clear my history and cache every time i closed it, so that my parents couldn't "spy on" me during high school.

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

Well, it is a violation of your privacy, but there's nothing really you can do about it other than be angry (which it seems you are already).

It sucks that they aren't more supportive, but at least it's not as bad as it could have been?

Yeah, it definitely could've been worse. They most likely think bad of me, though.

It's just the way that they treated the issue...It felt like they were talking to someone with a disease or a drug problem. It seemed like they were saying "Don't worry; we'll get through this. We still love you anyway," which is alienating and feels really shitty.

The worst part is that they must know my fetish, too. :I

If you'd like some resources for your parents (re: it's just a phase, etc) i can probably dig some up for you! being outed is awful no matter what the circumstances, but it's good that they didn't get too angry or anything?

e: the violation of privacy is a whole nother issue and one i feel VERY strongly about. I personally set my browser to clear my history and cache every time i closed it, so that my parents couldn't "spy on" me during high school.

I doubt I would ever confront them on the issue, but checking out these resources for teh lulz might be valuable.

[Blueberry]

I doubt I would ever confront them on the issue, but checking out these resources for teh lulz might be valuable.

okay!
i'm copying these from a message about 2 years old, so i haven't checked whether the links are still ok, but



About the subject of choice:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...BAJT1BMDEJ.DTL

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology...al_orientation

http://nsrc.sfsu.edu/article/biology_sexual_orientation (edit: this one seems to be broken, i'll see if i can find it)



General LGBT resources:

http://www.scarleteen.com/resource/gaydar

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/tee...ning-25030.htm

[deathsbuddy]

For future reference, also, I like to open up an incognito window in Chrome whenever I peruse something I wouldn't want people around me to know about.

Things you do incognito don't show up in history or cache.

This really doesn't work for some things, but it definitely helps when it comes to hiding what kinds of smut you're into.

[Sonira]

I have absolutely no idea what my "gender identity" is.

And this has been bothering me for a while now.

I keep trying to figure it out. Saying, "Maybe I just feel this way because of gender stereotypes" or "Maybe I'm overreacting."

First things first, I'll get this out of the way: I have PCOS, depression, and social anxiety. Probably a factor in all of this.
So, over the past year or so, I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this. And I think the best way I can explain is through some sort of list of points that make me question myself. So that I don't get too distracted, and keep things organized.

-I don't like being referred to as 'lady', 'girl', 'woman', etc.
It feels... incorrect, I suppose. I feel uncomfortable and I almost want to correct someone or say "don't call me that", but I don't want to make my friends feel uncomfortable or make them think they did something wrong. And I don't feel comfortable enough to make such a call that seems so definitive of my gender identity.

-I don't really mind female pronouns.
It's kind of like I acknowledge, on a basic level, that I am 'female'. I guess? I'm not sure how to put it.

-I don't really feel like a man, but I guess I kind of like being treated like one?
I guess part of me wants to be treated like I'm 'manly'. Like I'm tough or cool. I always feel like I have to prove myself amongst male friends. Is it because of gender stereotypes? Possibly. I don't like when someone assumes I'll like something because I'm female. I kind of like it when someone mistakes me for male on the internet. It makes me feel like they'll look at me more honestly. Like they'll take me more seriously. I feel almost guilty because I'm 'female'. Like I'm starting off in the negative, and have to do what I can to bring myself back up.

-I am a lesbian, and a feminist.
For probably around five years now, I've considered myself a lesbian. I was first attracted to another girl when I was 14. I didn't realize I was interested in men, yet, though. I discovered pretty quickly that I'm not. I used to think I liked guys, but the moment I had a 'boyfriend' and had to hug him and seem intimate, it was... really uncomfortable. Jarring. It didn't feel correct. So after some dilemma I thought, "Well, maybe I'm asexual. I'm not interested in sex, anyways. And I don't really find anyone physically attractive." At the time, that was true. And for the most part, it remains the case. Since then, I started finding myself attracted to women. And, you know, I can say that for certain now... but the idea of no longer being a lesbian is weird to me. It's a life I've eased myself into, bit by bit. I feel like if I'm not female, I'm not a lesbian anymore. Like I was just shut out of a community I've slowly warmed up to. Like I will no longer have that support.
And in the middle of my attempts to understand my gender, I've become a feminist, as well. I've been learning about the inequality women face, in work, in media, everywhere... and I've been personally concerned about it. So, again, it's like... if I'm not a woman, I'm being torn out of this community.


So... I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure. I wish it wasn't so complicated. It's easy for me to accept someone else's gender identity, because I just need them to tell me what they want, and I'll just go with it. But when it comes to me... I don't know. It's hard. What do I tell people? What happens to me? Who am I?

[rysworld]

Binary labels are not for everyone!

Maybe you are simply agender?

Or bigender?

Or nothing we've come up with yet?

I couldn't speak on the lesbian community thing, but I personally don't think you should feel like you can't be a feminist if you aren't female. That seems a bit of an odd idea, actually.

Don't worry, though. You'll figure it out eventually. Confused seems to be the default emotion for this sort of thing.

[Hatman Hatmyth Hatlegend]

As far as gender identity is concerned, typically if you feel confused, it's best to just go with the flow. In this case, it feels more like you're trying to conform to certain gender stereotypes and then applying those stereotypes as the absolute. They are not and never will be what defines the gender in and of itself. It is okay to have desires and personality traits, if not expressions outright, that are on either side of the spectrum yet still identify as either gender.

Honestly it feels like you consider yourself to be slightly inferior or that you won't be taken seriously because you are female. The problem seems more with society's perception of you rather than you, yourself. From what you describe, at least.

* * *

The idea of feminism being exclusive to females is completely ridiculous and I feel I must be blunt about this subject.

Do you feel that women should have the same rights/privileges/obligations as men (legally/socially, naturally)?
If yes, you are a feminist. That's all it takes.

I am a feminist. I have a penis. I am male.

[TroubleSquared]

The thing is when a man calls himself a feminist, he's congratulated and approved of. When a woman is a feminist, she's derided and possibly outright detested. I'd honestly prefer that you call yourself an ally... I mean, congrats on not being sexist, but this isn't really your movement. Here, Friendlyangryfeminist says it better; "Men who are feminists can say the most basic thing about sexism and then get a ton of adoration while I get rape threats. Maybe that’s why feminism should be a movement that has its discourse centered around women and with women in charge."

[deathsbuddy]

Honestly a male-presenting feminist who draws attention to themself at all is just not being a very good feminist

just like i'd be a really awful white anti-racism ally if i like prepared speeches on the subject so people can see my white-ass face lecture not necessarily white-ass faces on racism

[Hatman Hatmyth Hatlegend]

Honestly a male-presenting feminist who draws attention to themself at all is just not being a very good feminist

just like i'd be a really awful white anti-racism ally if i like prepared speeches on the subject so people can see my white-ass face lecture not necessarily white-ass faces on racism

I was making a point - A very blunt, unrefined point that if you hold the belief and wish for women to actually be equal socially/legally to men, that makes you a feminist regardless of whatever gender you are. I typically don't advertise the fact in the same way that I don't advertise my pansexuality. Actions speak louder than words in this case. However, actions on the interwebz kind of have to be typed out.

I make the distinction because this is the major problem. Within our societies. I don't think anyone is arguing on a biological side here.

[deathsbuddy]

Yeah, I know. And I agree.

I was responding to Trouble^2's point.

[Wiwaxia]

In any case, I don't think you, Sonira, should remove or exile yourself from communities that you are invested in and that are giving you support because you "can't" belong there anymore.

Also, maybe experimenting or playing around with different pronouns might help? I know it helped Arms.

[Milskidasith]

I find it kind of funny that in a thread that's all about how you don't have to label yourself in a way that conforms to existing labels, and people are all unique, that I'm being told that "if X, you are Y, no exceptions" when it comes to feminism. I mean, imagine how the reaction would go in this thread if you said "if you like having sex with people of the same gender, you are definitely a homosexual." It'd be... less than stellar.

There's also the fact that in general, if you label yourself a feminist in real life it tends to come with the assumption you're on the more extreme side of things because the majority of people believe in equality for women, but also that things are pretty good with a few exceptions right now, whereas feminists tend to promote more radical change and have the stereotype of "women good, men bad" attached, regardless of the truth of it. To use a similar example, even if my political views lined up with it, I wouldn't label myself a socialist in the US because socialism tends to be associated almost exclusively with "evil, bad, and anti-American" and not at all with what it is technically defined as.

[Fish]

I really don't see "feminist" getting the same kind of treatment as "socialist." The former is a good deal more popular and has a lot more moderates out there to represent it. Feminism movement =/= feminists.

But that's neither here nor there. Sonira was concerned about not being able to be part of the feminist/lesbian community any more (if I'm reading it right?). Pretty much anyone can be a feminist, but the culture does have some issues with men. I think sometimes trans dudes are an exception to that. Even if some people look down on you for changing, I don't think all of them are going to ostracise you, especially if it is the same groups of people and they already know that you care about The Issues.

Ultimately, it's not cheating on feminism to want to be treated like a man. You shouldn't have to live less than happily just to somehow prove that you are a feminist. You aren't gonna effect any less change by acting/looking like a guy!

can't really address lesbian communities but if it is not explicitly Lesbian Hangouts 100% Chicks then, again, you will probably not be shunned

just treated somewhat differently?

best of luck in figuring it out and stuff

[Freack]

Dang. I kind of understand your feels a little. I am more comfortable as male, but I do kind of understand the whole feminism thing. I have always been really big on the whole equal rights things. (That sounds like maybe I am implying some people are not. Not what I meant. Just, I was REALLY into it for a nine year old, but I was also terrible in that even that that time I knew I was mostly talking about ME. Gah, young me was so awful.)

I see no problem with still identifying as female, but not as incredibly feminine. Or anywhere else along this crazy spectrum or off it or whatever. But, I think you can remain a proponent of equal rites as a dude person if you decide to go that way, but maybe you can fel it, but might want to step off the soap box be play more of a supporting role if you decide to go that way. It feels kind of silly, but yeah, that is sort of the part I feel more comfortable in now, and that is my experience.

Okay. Super awkward thing. So terrible. *deep breath* I am kind of worried about my "time of the month." Mostly just because I am eighteen, and it is still very irregular, and happens at most every three months, but when it does it is awful. Now, I can handle the awful every once in a while. It sucks but what ever. Mostly I am just worried, because what if it happens so rarely because ther is something wrong with me medically? That would suck. But then, even worse, what if the doctor had a way to fix it? That would be terrible, beccause then I would have to deal with it at normal times and ddjkgsfhjkhgfkg bf I DO NOT WANT THIS. BUT I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO KNOW IF I Am dying from the inside out.

What do I dooooooooooo?

[ArmsAreLoud]

Also, maybe experimenting or playing around with different pronouns might help? I know it helped Arms.

It most certainly did! Hi Sonira, Shelly here. I used to be Mike. I used to get mistaken for a girl online pretty consistently; at first I just thought the idea was hilarious and sort of took on the image of Michelle in a roleplay sort of way and eventually eased into it as being the real me. Having a group of friends who were willing to "pretend" I was female until I became comfortable with actually being female really helped me make the decision and if it's something you are comfortable with doing I would definitely recommend it. My female experiences started online so if you would prefer us to refer to you as a male until you decide whether or not you're okay with that it is definitely something we could do.

[Sonira]

@Freack: You might have a hormonal imbalance, or PCOS, something like that. It's actually very commmon. But nobody ever tells you this, for some reason. I used to go months without a period. They usually just give you birth control pills, because they also work to regulate hormones and in turn, your menstruation cycle.

---
Anyways, thanks for the response, guys. I still don't really know how I feel. I don't know if I identify as male or if I just... feel like a different kind of female. I know I don't have to explain how scary it can be...

[ArmsAreLoud]

Hey, it's a tough question and one that you should feel free to take all the time you need to answer it. If you want to try out masculinity, you need only to give the word. We're here to help and all that junk, heheh.

[Freack]

And now I am worried that my entire gender identity is based around a fixable medical condition.

*panicking*

Eh. Whatevslike. I might want to do some research on that PCOS thing it sounds like, just to educated.

And an important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to me any gender or any other thing. So if you are a "different kind of female" then you should go after that. Or if you are other things.

You can do it and stuff.

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

Sonira, thinking you cannot be a part of a community just because you don't belong to the group they're rallying for is pretty silly! If you support the cause, then by all means join.

Good luck figuring out the whole gender situation. I don't think anyone can offer any real advice; it just comes down to finding yourself and exploring your feelings, and more cheesy bullshit as you deem necessary.

I can definitely empathize with feelings of confusing, however, and can say from experience that stressing over it is basically the worst thing to do.

Also, I thought I'd address a few things.

So... I don't know how to feel.

Feel whatever feelings come naturally.

What do I tell people? What happens to me? Who am I?

You are you. Labels are frustrating and dumb in a world of imperfection, which is why settling for the thing that is most similar is probably the best route, rather than obsessing over it and trying to find some obscure, elusive word that defines you exactly.

What you tell people is ultimately your decision, but I'd keep in mind that two different labels that may mean essentially the same thing might be perceived differently by people and have different "effects" on them.

[Selcouth]

Sonira - do you feel like you might be "between genders", or just, like, one gender or another? I personally stick to the label "genderqueer" just because it's a catch-all for people like me, though I sometimes question it.

As to sexuality, that's complicated as hell, and I'm not qualified to say anything but man, I definitely understand what you're feeling like since I went through (and am still going through) a very similar phase myself. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more in detail.

I generally present as female and gay because that's the easiest way to say it; it's much harder to explain gender and the nuances of sexuality, and even though I am by no means "fully" female it's a) easier to explain and b) even if word accidentally gets to my parents, they won't hear the big news. (My parents discovered my email chats a while ago with stuff like that and then everything went to hell, so I just denied everything. They don't believe me, but agreeing would be worse.)

[deathsbuddy]

genderqueer group hug bunp

my whole floor still thinks i'm a full-on straight guy and boy is that awkward