Sex Ed Thread Six (Sex, Gender, and Relationship Q&A)

[Elementoid]

You are... doubly heterosexual?

The *sexual and *romantic candycorns are confusingly similar

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

The *sexual and *romantic candycorns are confusingly similar

But isn't saying that you're hetersexual and heteroromantic redundant?

In other news, I think I'm confused about my sexuality again. *SHRUG*

[Elementoid]

A lot of people are sexually oriented one way but romantically another.

I guess that if you're oriented the same way in both regards though then it is kind of redundant.

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

A lot of people sexually oriented one way but romantically another.

Huh. That's surprisingly relevant to my problems.

Okay, so I'm one-hundred percent certain that I am romantically attracted to girls. I find the idea of, say, making out with a girl, appealing, although I am not sexually attracted to girls in the least. I just looked up the definition of heteroromantic, and it was defined under asexuality. I am certainly not asexual, however. I'm not sure what this means for me.

I'm sure by now everyone knows of my quirky fetish exclusively for guys. This was mildly disconcerting at first, but I've come to terms with it. Lately I've just been extremely confused and I've been thinking that I might just be sexually attracted to guys in general.

I don't know if I could admit that to myself if it were true; I've been raised by right-wing religious republicans who taught that being anything but straight is wrong. By the same token, however, I could never picture myself having sex with another guy. I would never, ever, consider it.

Is this a thing ???

[Elementoid]

I was pretty much in that same situation a couple of years ago (bar the romantic attraction to women, at the time I thought I might be asexual/aromantic), and it turned out I was just in denial about my homosexuality, in large part because of my conservative upbringing. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but I'm much happier now accepting myself for how I really am.

HOWEVER you are not me, so your situation could be completely different.

If I understand you correctly, you do have a sexual attraction to men, but at the same time you can't picture yourself with one (sexually or romantically)? If you think your upbringing might be clouding your views, all you can really do is a lot of soul-searching to see what feels right to you. (Maybe read or watch some gay porn or something and see if it does anything for you)

In the meantime though, you're sure that your romantically attracted to girls. That's okay! Like I said, a lot of people have romantic orientations that don't exactly match up with their sexual orientations. I'm pretty sure we had someone in here a while back who was exclusively attracted to one gender but sexually attracted to another, for example.

[BewareOfNerd]

Porn-based soul searching is the best kind.

[AdurnaFricai]

the other

mumblegrumblebinary

Porn-based soul searching is the best kind.

I wasn't gonna say it. Honestly, though, this won't distinguish between the possibilities here, attraction to males and a fetish for sex between them.

Okay, so I'm slightly confused as well. Is it possible to be both pansexual and panromantic and have romantic and sexual attractions be completely disconnected? Is that a thing?

Also, advice time. What do you do, as an asexual, when someone sexual confesses to you? There's a really nice guy who I found out a while ago likes me, and I don't want him to force himself to repress that or anything, but I'm not even capable of returning his feelings.

[deathsbuddy]

Yeah you can be romantically attracted to like-gendered folk and sexually attracted to opposite-gendered folk, for example. From what I've heard, it's very confusing, but very possible.

And... definitely be honest. Just tell him you're asexual, explain what that means, and hope for the best. If you just pretend to return his feelings, there's pretty much no way you won't run into problems.

[littlegirldeath]

Bahahaha XD

[littlegirldeath]

Do you know he is for sure? You could just be mistaken o.O
Ah, the pain of unrequited emotions...

[littlegirldeath]

Okay, I'm pretty sure something is wrong with me.
About two years ago, I was one of the straightest girls around. I was really bookish and quiet, and I liked nerdy guys like me. But then I started my sophomore year of high school, and I was in The Laramie Project in my school's drama club. I met a lot of new people both at school and the community theater. I guess I went through what is known as "desensitization"- as I was more surrounded by the idea of homosexuality, I became less shocked and appalled by it. Then I realized that I was beginning to like girls.
My love life since then has been... well, messy. I recently went through a rough breakup with a guy I'd been dating for about three months (I'd had a huge crush on him for a year before that) and it's been hard on me. About a month after we broke up, I came to the realization that I was actually almost glad it had happened because I wasn't really happy with him. In fact, I'd never been truly happy in a relationship before. Then my friend introduced me to a girl named Tiffy, and soon I asked her out. I knew going into it that it would be tough because she's two years younger than me and lives almost an hour away. But she was worth it.
Last week, she messaged me saying she wanted to take a break. Not those stupid cheesy "I think we should date other people" breaks you see in the movies, she means an actual break from dating. She said she felt a sort of gap between us, like we jumped too quickly into dating. I felt the same way, so I was okay with it. We're going to start dating again when we get to know each other better.
But I'm so confused... not just about my sexuality, but about my love life in general. In all my sixteen years, I've seriously dated five people, and almost every single relationship ended in disaster. I'm scared of the idea of dating a guy; I'm so much happier and more comfortable with Tiffy. Dating her is like dating a close friend; we don't need to be constantly holding hands or making out to be happy. That's exactly what I want in a relationship. Yet I still find myself attracted to guys I see at school or online... even though I'd never date them. I don't want to say I'm a lesbian because I still think some guys are cute, and I can even flirt with them if they're mature, despite the fact that I have no desire to have sex with them (I'm abstinent as well). But I don't want to say I'm bisexual or pansexual because I don't date guys.
I have absolutely no clue what I am or what I want... HELP!!!!

[pirrou]

Also, advice time. What do you do, as an asexual, when someone sexual confesses to you? There's a really nice guy who I found out a while ago likes me, and I don't want him to force himself to repress that or anything, but I'm not even capable of returning his feelings.

Be straightforward and blunt. Tell him from the very start that there are some things you're definitely not interested in, and that you absolutely do not want him to take it upon himself. I assume you're somewhat romantically interested in him if you're wondering about this. I wouldn't even get involved if I foresaw it being irreconcilable, but if for some reason you do, always speak your mind. If you find some activity or behavior unpleasant, don't try to pretend you don't until you resent it so much you want to slap him the next time he does it.

I tried a relationship when I wasn't even sure what I wanted romantically or sexually myself, and I had no idea how to do that. I could have saved a lot of time and confusion by saying "this whole romantic relationship thing was a stupid mistake and I do not want your saliva anywhere on my person I'm serious that's disgusting", but instead, I slowly starved it to an end by being so vague and unpredictable as to frustrate him into giving up. Don't do that. Make it clear that you can back out whenever you want to, and don't tiptoe around somebody else's feelings.

[Drillgorg]

Okay, I'm pretty sure something is wrong with me.
About two years ago, I was one of the straightest girls around. I was really bookish and quiet, and I liked nerdy guys like me. But then I started my sophomore year of high school, and I was in The Laramie Project in my school's drama club. I met a lot of new people both at school and the community theater. I guess I went through what is known as "desensitization"- as I was more surrounded by the idea of homosexuality, I became less shocked and appalled by it. Then I realized that I was beginning to like girls.
My love life since then has been... well, messy. I recently went through a rough breakup with a guy I'd been dating for about three months (I'd had a huge crush on him for a year before that) and it's been hard on me. About a month after we broke up, I came to the realization that I was actually almost glad it had happened because I wasn't really happy with him. In fact, I'd never been truly happy in a relationship before. Then my friend introduced me to a girl named Tiffy, and soon I asked her out. I knew going into it that it would be tough because she's two years younger than me and lives almost an hour away. But she was worth it.
Last week, she messaged me saying she wanted to take a break. Not those stupid cheesy "I think we should date other people" breaks you see in the movies, she means an actual break from dating. She said she felt a sort of gap between us, like we jumped too quickly into dating. I felt the same way, so I was okay with it. We're going to start dating again when we get to know each other better.
But I'm so confused... not just about my sexuality, but about my love life in general. In all my sixteen years, I've seriously dated five people, and almost every single relationship ended in disaster. I'm scared of the idea of dating a guy; I'm so much happier and more comfortable with Tiffy. Dating her is like dating a close friend; we don't need to be constantly holding hands or making out to be happy. That's exactly what I want in a relationship. Yet I still find myself attracted to guys I see at school or online... even though I'd never date them. I don't want to say I'm a lesbian because I still think some guys are cute, and I can even flirt with them if they're mature, despite the fact that I have no desire to have sex with them (I'm abstinent as well). But I don't want to say I'm bisexual or pansexual because I don't date guys.
I have absolutely no clue what I am or what I want... HELP!!!!

Hey so welcome to the forums! As a quick reminder, please only post once in a row. You can always use the edit button to go back and add more content to your post. Also, you should use quotes to show who you are replying to.

As to your advice request: You're in high school, you should just go with the flow! Don't worry about applying a label to yourself, high school is mostly a time to find out what kind of people you do and don't like dating. You shouldn't be worried about your relationships ending in "disaster", very very few high school relationships last or even end well. You still have a long time to date and figure out what you want, don't stress about it and just do what comes naturally.

[Elementoid]

mumblegrumblebinary

Whoops, sorry about that. Fixed.

[AdurnaFricai]

Be straightforward and blunt. Tell him from the very start that there are some things you're definitely not interested in, and that you absolutely do not want him to take it upon himself. I assume you're somewhat romantically interested in him if you're wondering about this. I wouldn't even get involved if I foresaw it being irreconcilable, but if for some reason you do, always speak your mind. If you find some activity or behavior unpleasant, don't try to pretend you don't until you resent it so much you want to slap him the next time he does it.

I tried a relationship when I wasn't even sure what I wanted romantically or sexually myself, and I had no idea how to do that. I could have saved a lot of time and confusion by saying "this whole romantic relationship thing was a stupid mistake and I do not want your saliva anywhere on my person I'm serious that's disgusting", but instead, I slowly starved it to an end by being so vague and unpredictable as to frustrate him into giving up. Don't do that. Make it clear that you can back out whenever you want to, and don't tiptoe around somebody else's feelings.

Well, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought of it, but I know a relationship between us wouldn't last, and I have told him I don't want to be in a relationship with him. The issue is mostly how I should be dealing with his feelings. He's been snuggling up to me more often lately, which I am perfectly comfortable with and enjoy, but I'm worried he thinks that means I'm open to advances or something. I don't want to force him to pretend he doesn't have that attraction, because I know that's harmful, but I also don't want him to be feeling the pain of rejection nonstop.

I'm also worried about what I should do if/when something like this happens again. What should I say?

[pirrou]

Well, I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought of it, but I know a relationship between us wouldn't last, and I have told him I don't want to be in a relationship with him. The issue is mostly how I should be dealing with his feelings. He's been snuggling up to me more often lately, which I am perfectly comfortable with and enjoy, but I'm worried he thinks that means I'm open to advances or something. I don't want to force him to pretend he doesn't have that attraction, because I know that's harmful, but I also don't want him to be feeling the pain of rejection nonstop.

I'm also worried about what I should do if/when something like this happens again. What should I say?

Oh man, I had the same problem in the aforementioned relationship. I like physical affection, and that was one of the main reasons why I (and he, obviously) found it difficult to make sense of the fact that I wasn't romantically interested in him. I would repeat that you don't want a relationship with him, and while you didn't mind the closeness, you would rather not do it if he can't separate it from his romantic feelings.

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

I was pretty much in that same situation a couple of years ago (bar the romantic attraction to women, at the time I thought I might be asexual/aromantic), and it turned out I was just in denial about my homosexuality, in large part because of my conservative upbringing. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but I'm much happier now accepting myself for how I really am.

HOWEVER you are not me, so your situation could be completely different.

If I understand you correctly, you do have a sexual attraction to men, but at the same time you can't picture yourself with one (sexually or romantically)? If you think your upbringing might be clouding your views, all you can really do is a lot of soul-searching to see what feels right to you. (Maybe read or watch some gay porn or something and see if it does anything for you)

In the meantime though, you're sure that your romantically attracted to girls. That's okay! Like I said, a lot of people have romantic orientations that don't exactly match up with their sexual orientations. I'm pretty sure we had someone in here a while back who was exclusively attracted to one gender but sexually attracted to another, for example.

Yeah, it's probably most definitely my upbringing that is causing any problems in the first place, but regardless.

I've basically been pushing all possible feelings that aren't heterosexual into the very back of my brain and I guess I am just now realizing they're there? Like, I've thought about kissing a guy before, and much to my lament, I wasn't repulsed by it. In fact, I'd probably be just as okay kissing a guy as I would be kissing a girl. I just can't picture myself having any sort of further intimacy or relationships with another guy. The connection just...doesn't happen in my brain.

Porn-based soul searching is the best kind.

I've actually never liked porn. I watched this strange porn-y cartoon with my friend one time and I didn't really care. Nothing different went through my mind just because people were naked.

I wasn't gonna say it. Honestly, though, this won't distinguish between the possibilities here, attraction to males and a fetish for sex between them

Yeah, this is pretty much exactly my problem.

Yeah you can be romantically attracted to like-gendered folk and sexually attracted to opposite-gendered folk, for example. From what I've heard, it's very confusing, but very possible.

It just sounds like such an inherently weird thing. How would I even explain that to people? I'm straight, but I'm actually gay, too, wheee.

Also yes, I am very confused. I can at least confirm that fact.

Anyway, I guess my primary motive here is to just put some kind of label on myself.

P.S.: Thanks for all your help so far, guys. You're all awesome <33333333

[Freack]

I've actually never liked porn.[...] Nothing different went through my mind just because people were naked.

Pretty much the same. My thought process is just like, "Yup, those people sure are naked. Gah, belly buttons look weird." *Continue on with my day.*

And as for everything else... yeah, that is kind of confusing. I suppose you could just give up on finding yourself and judge all of this stuff on a person-by-person basis. Then again, that is terrible advice.

[Varkarrus]

For me it's more "what kind of sicko WANTS to be hit in the face by an erect penis???"

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

Pretty much the same. My thought process is just like, "Yup, those people sure are naked. Gah, belly buttons look weird." *Continue on with my day.*

And as for everything else... yeah, that is kind of confusing. I suppose you could just give up on finding yourself and judge all of this stuff on a person-by-person basis. Then again, that is terrible advice.

My belly button is an inny, but there is a little knob in the inside as if it had its second wind and decided it wanted to be an outy when it was too late.

But yeah I want to try and identify myself because when people ask if I'm gay and such and I reply, "no, of course not!" I feel like I am lying and a part of me dies a little inside.

For me it's more "what kind of sicko WANTS to be hit in the face by an erect penis???"

I am put off by conventionally "sexy" things because I look at them from a non-sexy viewpoint and it all looks pretty silly and awkward.

[Freack]

How often do people actually straight ask you if you are gay?

Because I think it should be rare enough that you could kind of skirt around the question with snarky answers like, "Maybe."

"Whichever answer makes you leave me alone."

"I judge people on a case by case basis."

"I am strictly not-you sexual."

I know the feels a little, because I have been asked before, and I am terrible at lying. I generally find that honesty works out pretty well, but in my case it is pretty simple because, "I think everybody just keep their goddamned clothes on," is easy enough to understand, even for completely uneducated people.

[Ace of Dark-Hearts]

How often do people actually straight ask you if you are gay?

Because I think it should be rare enough that you could kind of skirt around the question with snarky answers like, "Maybe."

"Whichever answer makes you leave me alone."

"I judge people on a case by case basis."

"I am strictly not-you sexual."

I know the feels a little, because I have been asked before, and I am terrible at lying. I generally find that honesty works out pretty well, but in my case it is pretty simple because, "I think everybody just keep their goddamned clothes on," is easy enough to understand, even for completely uneducated people.

Actually, more people ask me if I'm gay than you'd probably expect. Or maybe exactly the number you expect, I don't know. Probably because I'm just naturally outgoing and I don't really pay attention to male gender roles, I guess. I am who I am, biptches.

Also, no I don't think that would work. If the answer is anything except for "NAOOO" people are like "OMG R YOU GAY SERIOUSLY? HOLEY MOLEY!" Trust me, I've actually tried being sarcastic about it.

[Varkarrus]

A girl asked me if I was gay once. I told her she wasn't my type. She got pretty mad :3

[Hatman Hatmyth Hatlegend]

For me it's more "what kind of sicko WANTS to be hit in the face by an erect penis???"

<.< >.>

*raises hand*

[Varkarrus]

o///o