No it isn't.
>Dispatch wiffle bat justice against pet store clerk for harboring secessionists
Apply wiffled justice to the hatless masses.
Create new constitution for your glorious Gulp-tatorship. Then eat it.
>Contemplate spontaneous development of mustache. Stroke it fiendishly while planning how to spread your authority/menu options
You loudly demand FOOD of ANY TYPE from your NEW MINIONS.
...They Respond with a MULTITUDE OF CUPCAKES. You are appeased. For now.
It is obvious to you now. Eating that hat has given you the powers of literacy and higher thought.
You can't spell too well, yet, though. Yet.
Either way, you draft new rules about feeding you.
...And then eat the cupcakes AND the rules. It's kind of what you do.
In your new, fiendishly superb dictatorial brain, you realize what you must do.
You must find a way to EAT THE WORLD.
>Let's check on how Zacharias is doing
First of all, you still remember how you tried to eat that water mage and could only swallow his head. THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE.
>Seek out a wizard who can enchant you to allow you to eat things larger than you.
(You know, kind of the way that bags of holding work in D&D, if anything similar exists in this world.)
IT IS DONE.
...You no longer feel SUPERBLY EVIL. This is probably for the best.
You hop off in search of a WIZARD!
???: "Exlax... EXLAX...EXLAX!!!!"
!?!: "What is it?"
???: "Just checking to see how your conquests are going."
!?!: "We may be stealing the soul of a moon, soon. And then... I shall be STORE MANAGER! You?"
???: "My conquest of this world will be soon! Just a few more kinks to work out!"
!?!: "Like taking care of that idiot dictator?"
???: "DO NOT INSULT MY YOOKUMS!"
ZACHARIAS: You return to your HQ and get a REPLACEMENT HAT. You are now 30% more awesome than you were without it.
...Are those voices from the side room?
???: "Someone's coming! I'll contact you later."
???: "...! Helllllloooooooo, your Studliness! How may your humble servant TALTHEDA serve you~~~? "
(Yay! We're now officially a full forum adventure! In return for your support over my first 10 updates, ART UPGRADE.)
>Zacharias: Order her to stop speaking in visible beating hearts, it unnerves you.
ZACHARIAS: "You know my feelings on the hearts."
TALTHEDA: "Sorry sir!"
The VISIBLY BEATING HEARTS around your secretary/assistant/enforcer TALTHEDA have vanished.
ZACHARIAS: "Your hair is getting long."
TALTHEDA: "Yes sir! It's been about a month since I got it cut."
ZACHARIAS: "Remember to keep it out of the sunlight. Sunlight makes the roots of women's hair plot against me, and that is unacceptable!"
TALTHEDA: "Of course, sir! That's why I'm wearing my pineapple hat."
ZACHARIAS: "It's a very lovely hat. It suits you. Perhaps you should dye some parts of it red."
TALTHEDA: "...Sir! Are you flirting with me?"
ZACHARIAS: "It has been a trying day. I, the great LORD ALTERNATING VOLTAGE PRESIDENT ZACHARIAS VON CRINKLEBOTTOM, was usurped today, by a newly-named mayor. I fear my citizens will be revolting."
TALTHEDA: "...!!! I'll go and organize a search party!"
ZACHARIAS: "NO NEED. I am going to get one of my MASTER SPIES to infiltrate this coup. Then we'll see who's usurping who!"
ZACHARIAS: You make your way to your office and pull out the files of your BEST SPIES OR SPY LIKE CONTACTS...
You have FOUR to choose from.
-SERRIEN, MASTER ILLUSIONIST and SMOOTH TALKER
-LELE, MURDEROUS ASSASSIN and STRAWBERRY OBSESSIVE
-EARL VAN DORN, CRAZY ENGINEER and FELLOW CHEESE FANCIER
-SKEIROXIS, currently QUEEN OF THE ZURIANS and an OLD CHILDHOOD FRIEND.
>Earl Van Dorn
>Indeed, we can't take any chances with this MIGHT ADVERSARY send all of them, screw the expense!Choose ALL OF THEM
>Also send out Baxter. Milk was a bad choice_
>Earl Van Dorn: Be a master of the craft of Sinzeri-style spying -- or, in other words, absolutely conspicuous in the real world_
This post is filed before a live studio audience.
ZACHARIAS: Two of your TOP AGENTS appear before you.
LELE is a beautiful SINZERI woman with a properly SHAVED HEAD so that her hair roots cannot plot against you. She loves to stab things, and eat strawberries.
SERRIEN has immaculate FACIAL HAIR and a good, proper HAMBURGER HAT. A true gent.
ZACHARIAS: "The two of you are to infiltrate my newest mayor's town. Find out what you can. I'm going to be sending EARL VAN DORN ... and ... someone else... to get deeper, and they need information."
SERRIEN/LELE: "YES SIR!"
ZACHARIAS: "Now, then, TALTHEDA... where is EARL VAN DORN?"
TALTHEDA: "...He's... uh...."
EARL VAN DORN: You are one of LORD ZACHARIAS'S TOP MEN. Brilliant, Eccentric, and full of cheese-based ideas. You have been spying on a potential MASSIVE THREAT to the regime for some days now. You are UTTERLY INVISIBLE.
ZURIAN QUEEN SKEIROXIS: You are getting increasingly annoyed that this weirdo from ZACHARIAS is hiding in your temporary throne room foliage. You are currently in a ZURIAN EMBASSY in HUMAN lands following a massive COUP wherein you lost most power over your country and the majority of your people are now viewed as enemies to your allies. One of the HUMAN KINGS, BAERRH UNALOR, was kind enough to let you set up a refuge for loyal ZURIANS in his city. Your patience, however, is wearing thin...