FANTROLL/FANCHARACTER CRIT THREAD 3: please read first post pretty please

[Nexev]

Nexev, before I actually critique your troll, I want to ask: Is this a joke character?

Siniam is not a joke, however he is a very arrogant character and the thing about apps is that they are partly in character for the person they are about.

As such his massive ego makes his app seem a bit odder then normal ones.

[TDKnave]

The reason human burn scars are red is because human blood is red, yo. It does seem natural for a burn to make a red mark since we think hot=red, but we're talking about a different species with weird biology and different colors. But the idea of a burn scar would probably carry over just fine if you just replaced the reds with an equivalent teal.

Also, I think the scarf would probably look tons better if you made the outlines a darker green instead of the grey.

Hm...something is telling me that I should have paid better attention in my Anatomy class. And I'll try out that suggestion with the scarf.

[Thunder Reign]

Siniam is not a joke, however he is a very arrogant character and the thing about apps is that they are partly in character for the person they are about.

As such his massive ego makes his app seem a bit odder then normal ones.

I can see where you're coming from with the in-character bias on his profile, I tend to write a lot of my profiles pseudo in-character too. I find that if I'm writing profiles like that, it's a good idea to slip in hints of their insecurities and weaknesses, even if they didn't necessarily mean to show them off. After all, profiles need to tell the person looking at them about your troll as well! (:
I don't really see anything wrong with your dude. I take it he's jade?

Also, regarding burn scars: Troll eyes are the only things shown to turn red when burnt. Otherwise, your troll's injuries would either be dark grey or their blood color depending on how severe you want it to be! You might want to add a further outline of dark grey (like the color shown underneath their eyes) around the scar too and see how that looks, I tend to outline any injuries I do in that way, like so:

[Captain Whosit]

Comments in red.

Okay so I have here is my fantroll based on the monkey part of the chinese zodiac.

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First, I'm going to respond to your comment. While it's fine for the profile to have the tone of the character written into it, heck, it can make it more fun to read if done well, the profile should ultimately be considered a repository of facts. If you say that someone is the best at something when that's not the case, you're misleading the reader. My critique of this profile is going to take everything at face value.

Okay just... how do you even start. You can say your name but you have to be a idiot to NOT KNOW YOUR BRILLIANCE.

But maybe it will help the readers from flipping out you know, don't want to cause any FANGASMS BEFORE YOUR DEBUT RIGHT?

You are the great SINIAM VINDAL, paradox space's greatest SABOTARTIST.

For those not in the straight up loop you are all up SNEAKY, easy as pie when your veins is SO BLESSED EVEN THE SUN WON'T HURT YOU. You then take this wicked sneak and use it to DRAW UNFLATTERING AND OCCAISONALLY PROFOUND ART ON OTHER'S HIVES. It's a sign of dominance see, the troll knows they could have been GLEESASSINATED during the SABOTARTISTRY with ease, but was kept alive because YOUR SKILLS ARE GREAT ENOUGH THAT FALLING PREY TO THEM DO NOT COUNT AS A CULL WORTHY ACTIVITY AS IT WOULD WITH MERE MORTALS. If he can find his way to others' hives, they can surely find their way to his. If he's active during the day, he probably sleeps at night when other trolls are active. What does he do to keep other trolls from coming after him in revenge? Does he target other trolls indiscriminately, or does he leave highbloods alone?

It also helps that your blood gives you a TOTALLY LEET ADVANTAGE.

You rock, so much.

But don't think you are a one trick pony. You have interest and skills up the wazzo.

For example you follow all the trends because the trends are SINIAM. You wear CLOTHES THAT YOU PERSONALLY SABATARTED in order to let everyone know that you Siniam, are in fact, SINIAM. This sentence sounds like complete nonsense to me. I'm guessing that you're saying that he's a trendsetter, or at least thinks he's a trendsetter.

If you have a trademark you gotta BE the trademark right. I'm also unclear on just what you mean here.

Oh course it's right, it's Siniam.

You also delve into the most uprighteous sound ever played by your rocking HEXSTRINGER. The prestigious call it a guitar but that's cause the system is WACK.

One of your interests is tormenting the WACK because WACK THINGS ARE NEGACOOL. This includes the SYSTEM, things that do not RESPECT THE SINIAM, the SYSTEM, bad cheese, the system, and of course: THE SYSTEM.

The sad thing is the system is a vast network of things that are personally against the Siniam. You would realize you are using the phrase system wrong and are simply letting your conspiracy theories get ahead of you but the Siniam is too smart FOR HIS OWN BRAIN. Again, this is rambly and your use of words makes it hard to tell exactly what you mean. It sounds like Siniam is some sort of hemorebel and is very open about it, too. How does he avoid bringing down the wrath of the authorities?

Yeah, take that.

Your music is all part of your wicked rebellion against things that aren't Siniam but you ain't all about the VIOLENCE AND SOUL SHAKING. Occasionally you simply just kick back and enjoy the beauty of the EXTREMELY DANGEROUS FLORA AND FAUNA, as stated prior you are nimble enough to avoid most danger so you are always able to simply admire the natural cycle. So what I'm getting out of this is that he's just too skilled to be threatened by anything. This guy sure seems to have a ton of positive traits without anything negative to balance it.

You were taught your wicked ways of stealth and assault from the greatest hunter ever and your lusus, Jivvie Khan the Chest Abuser, some alien weirdos who do not exist would call him a white gorilla but you don't know that. He wasn't much of a talker but he knew his way around nature and nature knew not to mess with Jivvie when he doesn't want any trouble. So his lusus is also the best at what he does? Seems like just another advantage.

They should make a movie of that reallly, it would almost be as good as one about Siniam.

You have to occasionally put the KIL IN POPULAR CARTOON KILROY and when you must you are fortunate enough to wield the Polearmkind specibus. Like a true champion you do not use a spear end on the end of your weapon, just dip it in paint so your enemies know THE SHAME OF SURVIVAL. This sentence is worded pretty strangely, but it sounds like you're saying he wields a staff.

Your trolltag is fabulousVandalism and you {Siniam was here} Make a impression {Siniam was here} Quirk is pretty weak in my opinion. It does the job of making it clear that he's got a huge ego, but it's not really interesting.

The core idea of a graffiti artist troll is good, but it's buried under a ton of strangely worded sentences and there's far too much character injected into the profile. As written, this guy sounds like a total mary-sue/gary-stue: A character who has everything going for them, no flaws, and no real personality. As I said at the top, the profile should make an effort to show us what this guy is really like. And if this is what he's like then he's not interesting. Characters who are the best are not interesting because they won't struggle and won't have to try to succeed.

Sure he's a jadeblood but that doesn't mean he's immune to the consequences of his actions. If he vandalizes peoples' property, he's gonna have a ton of trolls pissed off at him sooner or later. The profile also suffers from a writing perspective. You write things in ways that are hard to understand, and you have a ton of interjections like "Oh course it's right, it's Siniam." that reinforce the "ego" part but don't otherwise add to the profile. It makes it very difficult to get through and I, personally, find it annoying after a couple of paragraphs.

Tone down this guy's advantages, show us what flaws he has, and reign in the personality a bit. The right amount enhances a profile, but too much makes it a mess.

[Nexev]

Yeah he is jade. He also has a pretty low opinion of himself. He acts like he is great as a sort of mask.


However I intended that to come into play sortof midgame as a personal quest/revelation thing. Which is why it's not mentioned.


Edit: In response to his questions.

He sleeps rarely and in odd cycles. Primarily to keep himself from being sneaked up on. The dude is a expert (he even actually is "The best in it" currently at the top rankings of the Junior circuit) of a art that is basically proving to people he can kill you. His house is rather easy to find but he he managed to avoid death, his house however has gotten plenty of graffeti on it, only some of it his. Their is a pretty big honor system involved in the art. It's based on a very real practice done by native americans called counting coup. In times of strife a brave from one tribe would go to another tribe's camp and leave sign of their passing, be it a flag or a drawing. This meant that while they could have caused great harm to someone they chose not to.

Why would this work for trolls? Simple, while Siniam would tag even highbloods, he avoids people he know not to target people who do not follow or atleast profess to follow this code.

If someone killed him in revenge they would basically be admitting, atleast privately, that they are terrible sports man. Even if no one else knows that person will know, and since Siniam only targets people who care about honor and the like, he remains physically unharmed.

A similar issue is how Vriska could kill many trolls and only got retaliation when it was a close friend. What siniam is doing is far, far less revenge worthy.


The nonsense sentence basically means he uses his own clothes as a canvas, his symbol is even on his shades. This follows his liking of the aesthetic and well himself.

Thus why he claims he is the trademark. The same symbols he leaves in peoples hive he carries with himself.

The issue is that art types frequently don't make sense when they talk about art. And Siniam is currently talking about art, being the art, etc.

Siniam's issue with the system is more one of paranoia. Like a hippie, Siniam has a intense hatred and fear of the system without knowing what it means. As he stated, the system is a vast network of things that are anti Siniam, basically he assumes he has his own hate based fanclub.

The actual system, or the hemospectrum, is something he doesn't care about, not that he doesn't care for it, he doesn't actually care at all about politics.

And yes, Siniam is really skilled, at moving silently and quickly. He really hasn't professed any other skill of his that is perfect or even really high besides stealth. How good his art is isn't actually something he even mentioned, just that he does it. So his is abbility at fending off foes, he can swing a polearm if he has to, but he can easily get overpowered by someone who practices.

Does he have negative traits, you admitted that his arrogance makes him seem unlikable.

Thus even though he is good at avoiding notice their is a good chance people wouldn't want to notice him.

And yes his lusus was really good at being a gorrilla, but Siniam isn't his lusus. In fact his lusus being great can also be a flaw cause that just makes the imps so much harder.

And no the quirk isn't particurally complex but karkat just had caplock on. And tavros's wasnt much better.

A thing about siniam is he is heavily based on the Kilroy graffeti. Kilroy graffeti was a image of one weird long nose guy that would show up everywhere with the phrase Kilroy was here on it.

Which is why the quirk is as it is. Especially when you consider the bizarre wording of the app is because that's how he talks.


Siniam talks a big game but if you notice what he talks up is very vague. His positive attributes atleast stated in the app are basically, stealth and being him.


So that's pretty much answers your questions.

[Captain Whosit]

And so my point is that we should get some sense of this low self esteem from the profile because the profile is meant to inform us about the character. You're not trying to surprise us with this. As written, the guy just sounds too good to be true.

Besides, 99% of us here will never read any of the sessions or adventures this guy is in so we won't see that happen.

[canidaeVulpecula]

You've done a good job answering the questions here, but I think the issue is you need to answer them in the profile! This guys pretty cool, and he's got a great concept, but the way his profile is done takes away from that. I would try to find a balance between facts and in-character stuff. One thing that could improve this profile a little is taking out some of the affirmations of Siniam's spectacularity - right off the bat I can say that the lines "You rock, so much." "Yeah, take that." and the line about making a movie and it almost being as good as Siniam can be taken out! I'd also like to suggest maybe throwing in a paragraph outlining a little more clearly some of his faults, and then maybe adding at the end "Not that you'd acknowledge any of these. You're too great to have flaws" or something similar.

Also, I'd like to discuss this honor system business. There are some pretty big holes in this! First off, I cant imagine many trolls following a system like this. They are a brutal race, and I dont think having their hive - their property - tagged by some random troll would be taken all that lightly. Second, how would he know who follows this code and who doesnt? I imagine he'd actually have to talk to the troll to know if they follow this honor system, which sounds like he'd be running around tagging friends hives. I dont know about you, but when I talk to someone and become their friend, I dont leave notes around their house saying "Hey I could've kill you but I didnt. You're welcome! :)" you get me? :P Third, you bring up a good point with the Vriska thing: tagging a hive certainly is less revenge-worthy then killing thousands of trolls. But it's entirely possible that she's received retaliation before aradia, and it just hasnt been detailed. It's very likely that anyone who came after her just ended up as spider food. But just because murder is a bigger crime then graffiti doesnt make graffiti any less of a crime, so maybe get him to treat it more like what it is. "If I get caught doing this, it is possible that I will die."

Anyway cant wait to see a revised version of this dudes profile! Good luck :B

[Quizzle]

@Quizzle: Something about the redhead looks off to me. I think her chin line (on our left side) should go up a bit further before it meets the hair. Something about the way the whole head/face/hair aligns seems off to me.

Look any better?


Also accessories for this guy.

[canidaeVulpecula]

Her head looks rounder now, which paired with the alignment of her face, looks better then before :B You should be good to go. His hat looks a little strange at the top, probably because the left side is taller then the right, so maybe round that out a little? Otherwise he looks lovely.

Also, I just finished this chickys profile so I'll throw it on here. I'll list what Im asking to be critiqued specifically at the end but as always Im open to anything you catch :B Thanks in advance


Your name is SYLKAA VLASTE, and your throne has been stolen from you.

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You suppose it wasn't exactly your throne yet, but it might as well have been. You were next in line for the position of Empress, after all! If not in blood, then surely in etiquette, or beauty, or poise... the list goes on. Alas, you were betrayed by your own. Your ARROGANCE and LOUD MOUTH pushed a few trolls over the edge, leading them to conspire against and nearly kill you. Not that you realize it was your INSUFFERABLE BRAGGING that caused their bloodlust - you assume you were attacked for being the next Empress.

This attack left you bruised, battered, and barely breathing. It also left you with more permanent injuries, such as innumerable SCARS adorning your body and BLINDNESS in your left eye. You washed ashore while unconcious and from that point on, you have lived as an exile.

No matter. A THRONE alone does not make an Empress. If you DIE in your "new," broken down husk of a hive, then you will die an Empress. That is what you tell yourself, at least. It's a COMFORTING thought.

Speaking of your new hive, if it can be called that, it is located on a CLIFF that overlooks the sea. To say it's run down is an understatement - more then a few windows are broken, there are a few strange holes in the floor, and the place was coated in cobwebs and dust. You have managed to clean it up a little once finding some scrap cloth, but the windows and holes you have no idea how to fix. Oh, how cruel to be left so close to your home, but knowing you cannot return.

But a run down hive is better then no hive. SACRIFICES must be made. You will live as a LOWLY SLUDGEBLOOD would live, because that is what you must do. This, however, doesn't mean you aren't going to WHINE about it.

You keep yourself busy in this hive with a few things that one could call your INTERESTS or HOBBIES. One such hobby is brushing your hair and keeping yourself clean. You may have to live like a filthy animal, but that is no excuse not to keep up APPEARANCES. As such, you bathe as often as possible and brush your hair no less then 100 STROKES a day.

When you aren't brushing your GORGEOUS mane of locks, you are either drinking a divine cup of TEA or partaking in a good, high-class game of what you think is CRICKET. Tea is the most elegant of drinks and you find it relaxs you in a way nothing else can. You like to think you are pretty good at cricket, but if you were actually playing cricket you would be terrible at it. What you are good at is MINIGOLF, but it just seems so...undignified. You have decided that no, you are not playing minigolf, you are playing cricket.

The night of your return will be a night of BLOOD and TERROR and VENGEANCE, for an Empress must be FEARED at least as much as she is loved. However, you are in no condition to reign vengeance upon those who have wronged you, and you wont be for a very long time. This is why you have decided to wait until FLEET-AGE to reveal your marvelous blood colour once more; so you can not only spite those imposters who tried to take your spot on the throne, but also to build yourself back up to your previous condition.

That is why you cannot return to your hive, where the seadwellers who tried to KILL YOU may find you and succeed the second time around. You must live on, for if you were to die after your EXILE, what would your soon-to-be-subjects do? Until that day comes, you will hide on land as a Secret Empress.

This is not because you are AFRAID to return to the waters in which you were raised. Certainly not.

Your trolltag had been imperialisticEtiquette, but due to your circumstances it has been changed to peremptoryElegance. You speak as though ____The vaves of your vords stop just short of the shore.

Things I tried to get across with this profile:

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She was not actually "Exiled" by anyone. Theres no one stopping her from reentering the sea. "Exile" just sounds less pathetic then "got the shit beat out of her and is afraid to return home"
She doesnt have the currently highest blood and she wasn't next in line, she just thinks she's a shoe-in because she's got almost-tyrian blood and shes poised/elegant/beautiful/etc.
While she does dream of taking revenge on the seadwellers who tried to kill her, and she's excited to become fleet-aged because she can reveal herself and "claim her throne," she doesnt return to the sea more out of fear then anything. (I figure this ones probably obvious from the last line but eh)

Do you think I got these things across well enough? Does this profile seem too long, is there anything I should cut? On the other hand, is there anything I should expand on? Im also having trouble finding an appropriate place to mention her lusus. Its a cross between a pug and an angelfish named The Duchess Pugglesworth, who knows where she's currently located and visits her frequently. She also doesnt have a strifekind or fetch modus yet but I'll think of them later.

Edit; Im thinking Pugglesworth is pretty small actually so maybe I can throw in that her lusus lives in a fish tank now?? Hmmmm

[Doodleniks]

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Your name is SYLKAA VLASTE, and your throne has been stolen from you. Sprite is good, and really the only problem I can think of is the fact that the horns just sort of sprout out of the hat. Maybe add an indication of holes or something? Like crumpled up fabric. I can demonstrate if I'm not being clear.

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You suppose it wasn't exactly your throne yet, but it might as well have been. You were next in line for the position of Empress, after all! If not in blood, then surely in etiquette, or beauty, or poise... the list goes on. Alas, you were betrayed by your own. Your ARROGANCE and LOUD MOUTH pushed a few trolls over the edge, leading them to conspire against and nearly kill you. Not that you realize it was your INSUFFERABLE BRAGGING that caused their bloodlust - you assume you were attacked for being the next Empress.

This attack left you bruised, battered, and barely breathing. It also left you with more permanent injuries, such as innumerable SCARS adorning your body and BLINDNESS in your left eye. You washed ashore while unconscious and from that point on, you have lived as an exile. No matter. A THRONE alone does not make an Empress. If you DIE in your "new," broken down husk of a hive, then you will die an Empress. That is what you tell yourself, at least. It's a COMFORTING thought.

Speaking of your new hive, if it can be called that, it is located on a CLIFF that overlooks the sea. To say it's run down is an understatement - more then a few windows are broken, there are a few strange holes in the floor, and the place was coated in cobwebs and dust. You have managed to clean it up a little once finding some scrap cloth, but the windows and holes you have no idea how to fix. Oh, how cruel to be left so close to your home, but knowing you cannot return. But a run down hive is better then no hive. SACRIFICES must be made. You will live as a LOWLY SLUDGEBLOOD would live, because that is what you must do. This, however, doesn't mean you aren't going to WHINE about it. I think you could probably condense some of these paragraphs into one. I went ahead and did so.

You keep yourself busy in this hive with a few things that one could call your INTERESTS or HOBBIES. One such hobby is brushing your hair and keeping yourself clean. You may have to live like a filthy animal, but that is no excuse not to keep up APPEARANCES. As such, you bathe as often as possible and brush your hair no less then 100 STROKES a day. When you aren't brushing your GORGEOUS mane of locks, you are either drinking a divine cup of TEA or partaking in a good, high-class game of what you think is CRICKET. Tea is the most elegant of drinks and you find it relaxs you in a way nothing else can. You like to think you are pretty good at cricket, but if you were actually playing cricket you would be terrible at it. What you are good at is MINIGOLF, but it just seems so...undignified. You have decided that no, you are not playing minigolf, you are playing cricket. Don't you require a playing field for minigolf? Did her hive just come with one? And how did she pick up the skill underwater? I do think the idea is hilarious though.
I again condensed two paragraphs.
The night of your return will be a night of BLOOD and TERROR and VENGEANCE, for an Empress must be FEARED at least as much as she is loved. However, you are in no condition to reign vengeance upon those who have wronged you, and you wont be for a very long time. This is why you have decided to wait until FLEET-AGE to reveal your marvelous blood colour once more; so you can not only spite those imposters who tried to take your spot on the throne, but also to build yourself back up to your previous condition. That is why you cannot return to your hive, where the seadwellers who tried to KILL YOU may find you and succeed the second time around. You must live on, for if you were to die after your EXILE, what would your soon-to-be-subjects do? Until that day comes, you will hide on land as a secret Empress. Condense condense condense. It's your call, but a really long profile throws off readers. Might want to cut a sentence here and there.

This is not because you are AFRAID to return to the waters in which you were raised. Certainly not.

Your trolltag had been imperialisticEtiquette, but due to your circumstances it has been changed to peremptoryElegance. You speak as though ____The vaves of your vords stop just short of the shore.

I got this you guys

Mostly it's pretty good! Really the only problem is that it's tending towards being slightly rambly. As for the Lusus thing, I can think of one or two things, a being that you say her lusus lives in a fishtank at her new hive while talking about her hive, or that maybe when she mentions her old hive she could say her lusus is still there.

(I'm kind of bad at this oops)

[canidaeVulpecula]

Those paragraphs look much better :B I had been planning to combine those but hadn't got around to it, hahah. As for the minigolf thing, Im thinking her old hive has a field for it, but in this new one she just uses stuff she finds around. Sets up trash to hit the ball off of, digs her own holes, maybe uses a stick to hit the ball - stuff like that :P Anyway thanks!

[Versai]

Here's my troll, I've been working on him on and off since about May I think. I'm not super great with profiles and I'm kinda long winded so... yeah. I probably need help with that.

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>Be the pathetic fantroll
Hey, now that’s just plaΦn rude.

>Be the teal-blooded fantroll then
Uh… alrΦght.


Your name is VERSAI MATRYM and you don’t really know why you’re being made to do this.

It’s not that you’re not FRIENDLY; you’re just very SHY and MEEK most of the time. But if someone can get you out of your proverbial SHELL, or even your HIVE for that matter, you can be very sociable. There is a legitimate REASON you don’t go out though. For one, you're pretty PARANOID sometimes. And two, it seems every time you leave your HIVE your TEAL BLOOD activates some sort of RADAR that happens to draw every INDIGO BLOOD to you. Don’t be mistaken though, you don’t DISLIKE any particular BLOOD COLOR; you just always seem to get the OVERLY VIOLENT and AGGRESSIVE Indigos. With your inherit KNACK for being SPEEDY you can usually get away before the SPIKED CLUBS OF DOOM AND PAIN come out. Other times however, you have to STRIFE your way out. When those times come around you equip your DAGGERKIND specibus and pull out your trusty DUAL SAIS you call SPADE OF HEARTS.

On a more PEACEFUL and less PAINFUL note, your HIVE is located in a FOREST of TALL TREES and LITTE STREAMS. It’s not too far from CIVILIZATION though, so you can easily take a TRIP to the CITY; it’s a pain when you have to CLIMB A TREE every time you go back to your HIVE though. Sometimes, though, your LUSUS, a large TREE-GLOBE eating FLAPPING-YIPBEAST you call BATDAD, will be home and give you a convenient LIFT. Your LUSUS has always been HELPFUL and PATIENT with you, even through your first few SWEEPS of life when you were AFRAID of the SOPOR SLIME in your RECUPERACOON for fear that you would DROWN. Now at 9 sweeps you’ve outgrown that CHILDISH FEAR though you still don’t really like DEEP WATER.


You haven’t actually played SGRUB, but you’re pretty sure your GODTIER TITLE would be PAGE OF HOPE and you’d just fly around trying to cheer people up. Since you like it so much, your LAND would probably be LAND OF TREES AND TWILIGHT. But that’s a little more than a DREAM in your HEAD since you’re sure you would FAIL MISERABLY in SGRUB. Instead, you spend your time on TROLLIAN under the name contradictoryIllusion [CI]. You’ve long since given up HIDING the ¢urΦous way you pronoun¢e some letters as they OFTEN just slΦp Φnto your TEXT.

Notes
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I'm not entirely sure what trolls would call a FruitBat other than just well... bat. Or what I put up there.
Also, I'm not sure when eye colors fill in, but I think 9 sweeps might be a good age I think.
I don't know if I missed anything I needed to put in there >.<

[passiveNotation]

Well, this didn't seem at all long winded to me. A bit short, actually.

And two, it seems every time you leave your HIVE your TEAL BLOOD activates some sort of RADAR that happens to draw every INDIGO BLOOD to you.

Why does this happen? Is it some kind of psychic power? Coincidence? Is he on a most-wanted list? Why does it stop when he's in his hive?

your trusty DUAL SAIS you call SPADE OF HEARTS.

Interesting name there. Is Versai a fan of romance? Also, that is a singular name for two objects, it might make more sense to call them the Spades of Hearts plural.

large TREE-GLOBE eating

You can probably get away with calling them apples. Or fruit?

But that’s a little more than a DREAM in your HEAD since you’re sure you would FAIL MISERABLY in SGRUB.

How has he heard of the game? If someone had started a session, he would either already be a participant or be dead.

You’ve long since given up HIDING the ¢urΦous way you pronoun¢e some letters as they OFTEN just slΦp Φnto your TEXT.

Do you have an actual pronunciation in mind here? And why would he want to hide it?

Also, I'm not sure when eye colors fill in, but I think 9 sweeps might be a good age I think.

For the most part people seem to think that your eyes change around the time that you're sent off planet.

I don't know if I missed anything I needed to put in there >.<

Fetch modus maybe? A little more information would be nice too. Does your troll do anything besides run away from indigos and use pesterchum? Does he have any interests?

[Quizzle]

This look any better on the hat?

Also, this girl!

Which hair do you think looks the best?

[Emms]

Versai:
I'm fairly positive that troll's eyes only gain a ring of color around their pupil when they become adults.

See how his eyes are compared to my troll's?
Also I feel as if the picture has been formatted wrong? He looks really compressed. Compared to Sollux, he's tiny! Maybe you just made his hair/face too low but I have a feeling you may need to re-do his sprite. His horns also look a bit weird? Are they anti-aliased? On his right horn the bottom color is missing as well, I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but I think it would be showing. His sign also looks a lot like Karkat's, you may want to change that?

Quizzle:
Personally, I like the 2nd and 4th ones the best. The first picture makes her braids look too separate from the rest of her head while the third makes the left braid look behind her head. The boy looks good to me. They're both very well-done.

Also while I'm here, do these sprites look alright?


Is the male tyrian blood idea stupid? Is his hue too bright? (it's 322 currently) I can always tone down the color or even change it to a darker purple.

Also is this lusus too troll-like to pass? He was supposed to be based off of a siren, which are basically mermaids or freaky fish people that lure unsuspecting sailors into the sea. I wanted him to sit up on the rocks and lure trolls/lusii into the water and then drag them into the ocean. His bottom half is the lower body of a shrimp if you couldn't tell.


(Sorry for any resemblance to Sylkaa! I promise I didn't steal the sea-dweller anon concept from her, I've had this guy's sprite for awhile now.)

[Lovenu]

Also is this lusus too troll-like to pass? He was supposed to be based off of a siren, which are basically mermaids or freaky fish people that lure unsuspecting sailors into the sea. I wanted him to sit up on the rocks and lure trolls/lusii into the water and then drag them into the ocean. His bottom half is the lower body of a shrimp if you couldn't tell.

Unfortunately, I think it is a bit too troll like. The only huminoid lusii we've seen so far are Equius' lusus and Sollux's lusus, but neither have troll horns or hair aside from the mustache.

Perhaps remove the horns and make it look a little more monstery?

[canidaeVulpecula]

Actually I think all you'd have to do is remove the horns. Arthour didnt have them after all so why wuold this guy right :P

(Oh didnt see that little note till now. Dont worry about it! Im hardly the first to come up with the concept :B)

[Emms]

I originally added them because I thought trolls would be hesitant to approach someone out by the shore when they didn't have horns, but I'll gladly remove them!
I'm glad I can at least keep the siren concept because I find myself really partial to it!
(uwu I've always liked sea-dwellers that go anon, it just seems neat.)



Do these look alright?

[Versai]

Versai:
Also I feel as if the picture has been formatted wrong? He looks really compressed. Compared to Sollux, he's tiny! Maybe you just made his hair/face too low but I have a feeling you may need to re-do his sprite. His horns also look a bit weird? Are they anti-aliased? On his right horn the bottom color is missing as well, I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but I think it would be showing. His sign also looks a lot like Karkat's, you may want to change that?

Yeah it might be a little messed up, I made his sprite using a cropped image from the fantroll Generator on Newgrounds and edited it in SAI. I didn't know there were sprite templates out there. As for the hair, I just noticed a bit of it is wrong X3. But his hair is supposed to be in front of the right horn. His sign is supposed to hold some resemblance to Karkat and Nepeta's signs, as well as the sign for Moon and Sun (if you go look those two up). But I'll fix up the image, Thanks!

Also @passiveNotification
I fixed all of the text last night and added a bit more. He's not a very active troll with a big backstory, he just has the worst luck sometimes.

Reposting when sprite is fixed!

[scintillatingMoniker]

His sign is supposed to hold some resemblance to Karkat and Nepeta's signs, as well as the sign for Moon and Sun (if you go look those two up).

Maybe change the angle or something to make it look a little bit less like Karkat's symbol.

[Quizzle]

Made some new dress bottoms for her, not sure which one I'll be going with.

Anything else I should change on these kids before I move on to the dream selves and god tiers?

[canidaeVulpecula]

Ooh the middle one for the braids girl is very cute :>

[Freack]

You would not believe how long it took me to realize they were wearing different clothes.

But yeah, they all look great.

[Versai]

Alright, I fixed his sprite up some. Changed the horns(The anti-aliasing thing was just how sai does binary.) around and his sign as well. I think the earlier problem with him being small was that I resized it too small (It was giant before). I feel as though I made it too big now.





I also revamped his text by adding in more details and making things a bit more clear.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

>Be the pathetic fantroll
Hey, now that’s just plaΦn rude.

>Be the teal-blooded fantroll then
Uh… alrΦght.


Your name is VERSAI MATRYM and you don’t really know why you’re being made to do this.

It’s not that you’re not FRIENDLY; you’re just very SHY and MEEK most of the time. But if someone can get you out of your proverbial SHELL, or even your HIVE for that matter, you can be very sociable. There is a legitimate REASON you don’t go out though. For one, you're pretty PARANOID sometimes. And two, it seems that almost every time you leave your HIVE you activate some sort of RADAR that just so happens to draw every INDIGO BLOOD to you. You’re not really sure why this happens actually, but you’re starting to think it’s one of those “If it CAN, it WILL” scenarios. Don’t be mistaken though, you don’t DISLIKE any particular BLOOD COLOR; you just always seem to get the OVERLY VIOLENT and AGGRESSIVE Indigos. With your inherit KNACK for being SPEEDY you can usually get away before the SPIKED CLUBS OF DOOM AND PAIN come out. Other times however, you have to STRIFE your way out. When those times come around you equip your DAGGERKIND specibus and pull out your trusty DUAL SAIS you call SPADES OF HEARTS.

On a more PEACEFUL and less PAINFUL note, your HIVE is located in a FOREST of TALL TREES and LITTE STREAMS. It’s not too far from CIVILIZATION though, so you can easily take a TRIP to the CITY; it’s a pain when you have to CLIMB A TREE every time you go back to your HIVE though. Sometimes, though, your LUSUS, a large FRUIT eating FLAPPING-YIPBEAST you call BATDAD, will be home and give you a convenient LIFT. Your LUSUS has always been HELPFUL and PATIENT with you, even through your first few SWEEPS of life when you were AFRAID of the SOPOR SLIME in your RECUPERACOON for fear that you would DROWN. Now at 9 sweeps you’ve outgrown that CHILDISH FEAR though you still don’t really like DEEP WATER.


You haven’t actually played SGRUB, but you’ve heard a lot of people TALKING about it whenever you CHANCE going out. Based on what you’ve found out about it, you’re pretty sure that your GODTIER TITLE would be PAGE OF HOPE and you’d just fly around trying to cheer people up. Since you like it so much, your LAND would probably be LAND OF TREES AND TWILIGHT. But that’s a little more than a DREAM in your HEAD since you’re sure you would FAIL MISERABLY in SGRUB.
Instead, you spend your time doing things that INTREST you. Some of these include READING, DRAWING, playing GAMES on your BATTOP, Fiddling with your MODUS, and occasionally ADVENTURING with your MOIRAIL. You usually have a lot of TIME to do these things unless you get CAUGHT UP on one or two. The two that usually take up most of you TIME is READING and ADVENTURING. Your MOIRAIL always seems to want you to ADVENTURE with her. You don’t really mind though because without you, or at least SOMEONE, with her she wouldn’t see DANGER if it smacked her in the FACE. You sometimes get the feeling you’re being a bit of a WORRY WART though.
Your GRAVITY FETCH MODUS is another thing you WASTE a lot of TIME with. You often put many RANDOM OBJECTS in just to see how long they’ll FLOAT around when they’re pushed OUT. You almost never switch the modus to the other option, SUPER GRAVITY, as you don’t want HOLES in your FLOOR from your stuff making ONE-WAY TRIPS to the GROUND.

After long days of ADVENTURING or WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, you usually get on TROLLIAN under the name contradictoryIllusion [CI]. You’ve long since given up HIDING the ¢urΦous way you pronoun¢e some letters, though you’re still a bit SELF CONCIOUS about it.

So how is it now?

[canidaeVulpecula]

I cant crit the profile right now, but I can say you're gonna have to do the sprite again. It's pretty decent but its anti-aliased to all hell. Im not sure whats wrong with your binary tool but it doesnt look to be working properly. That or its being resized in something... Im not sure.

Other then the anti-aliasing issue, his mouth seems a little low, and at the bottom the shoes dont line up with the pants properly. Id suggest just going with Sollux's shoes if youre gonna use those pants, but just recolour them the colours you want.

EDIT;; I lied! Turns out I can crit his profile as we're now waiting on a friend. Crit in red.

show spoiler

hide spoiler

>Be the pathetic fantroll
Hey, now that’s just plaΦn rude.

>Be the teal-blooded fantroll then
Uh… alrΦght.


Your name is VERSAI MATRYM and you don’t really know why you’re being made to do this.

It’s not that you’re not FRIENDLY; you’re just very SHY and MEEK most of the time. But if someone can get you out of your proverbial SHELL, or even your HIVE for that matter, you can be very sociable. There is a legitimate REASON you don’t go out though. For one, you're pretty PARANOID sometimes. Paranoid about what? Expand on this. And two, it seems that almost every time you leave your HIVE you activate some sort of RADAR that just so happens to draw every INDIGO BLOOD to you. How populated is the area he lives in? Why does this happen? Do you mean literally the moment he steps outside, or do you mean when he travels to more populated areas? You’re not really sure why this happens actually, but you’re starting to think it’s one of those “If it CAN, it WILL” scenarios. Okay but as a reader I'd like to know why it happens. Right now it seems like its there for no reason. Also, why is it only indigos? Don’t be mistaken though, you don’t DISLIKE any particular BLOOD COLOR; you just always seem to get the OVERLY VIOLENT and AGGRESSIVE Indigos. With your inherit KNACK for being SPEEDY you can usually get away before the SPIKED CLUBS OF DOOM AND PAIN come out.Pretty sure not all indigos used clubs but Im thinking this is just a general statement. Other times however, you have to STRIFE your way out. When those times come around you equip your DAGGERKIND specibus and pull out your trusty DUAL SAIS you call SPADES OF HEARTS. This sentance seems like its worded strangely... Maybe "When those times come around, you equip your trusty DUAL SAIS from your DAGGERKIND specibus. You call them the SPADES OF HEARTS." or something similar.

On a more PEACEFUL and less PAINFUL note, your HIVE is located in a FOREST of TALL TREES and LITTE STREAMS. It’s not too far from CIVILIZATION though, so you can easily take a TRIP to the CITY; it’s a pain when you have to CLIMB A TREE every time you go back to your HIVE though. Sometimes, though, your LUSUS, a large FRUIT eating FLAPPING-YIPBEAST you call BATDAD, will be home and give you a convenient LIFT. Your LUSUS has always been HELPFUL and PATIENT with you, even through your first few SWEEPS of life when you were AFRAID of the SOPOR SLIME in your RECUPERACOON for fear that you would DROWN. Now at 9 sweeps you’ve outgrown that CHILDISH FEAR though you still don’t really like DEEP WATER.


You haven’t actually played SGRUB, but you’ve heard a lot of people TALKING about it whenever you CHANCE going out. what how. I believe someone already noted this in a previous critique of this guy, but theres no way he could know about it. The only people who know about SGRUB are the ones who will be playing it, everyone else wouldn't have heard of it and died in the meteor shower. If you really want to include his SGRUB info, then make a paragraph before his trolltag and put "If you were to play SGRUB..." and then all this info. Based on what you’ve found out about it, you’re pretty sure that your GODTIER TITLE would be PAGE OF HOPE and you’d just fly around trying to cheer people up. Since you like it so much, your LAND would probably be LAND OF TREES AND TWILIGHT. But that’s a little more than a DREAM in your HEAD since you’re sure you would FAIL MISERABLY in SGRUB.
Instead, you spend your time doing things that INTEREST you. Some of these include READING, DRAWING, playing GAMES on your BATTOP, fiddling with your MODUS, and occasionally ADVENTURING with your MOIRAIL. You usually have a lot of TIME to do these things unless you get CAUGHT UP on one or two. The two that usually take up most of you TIME is READING and ADVENTURING. Your MOIRAIL always seems to want you to ADVENTURE with her. You don’t really mind though because without you, or at least SOMEONE, with her she wouldn’t see DANGER if it smacked her in the FACE. You sometimes get the feeling you’re being a bit of a WORRY WART though.
Your GRAVITY FETCH MODUS is another thing you WASTE a lot of TIME with. You often put many RANDOM OBJECTS in just to see how long they’ll FLOAT around when they’re pushed OUT. You almost never switch the modus to the other option, SUPER GRAVITY, as you don’t want HOLES in your FLOOR from your stuff making ONE-WAY TRIPS to the GROUND.

After long days of ADVENTURING or WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, you usually get on TROLLIAN under the name contradictoryIllusion [CI] How does this tag relate to him at all?. You’ve long since given up HIDING the ¢urΦous way you pronoun¢e some letters, though you’re still a bit SELF CONCIOUS about it.