FANTROLL/FANCHARACTER CRIT THREAD 3: please read first post pretty please

[JGamer502]

Your name is IETZOB ROUGUY and you are 7.38 SWEEPS OLD. You are also though named THE RICH ONE by many others, such as your friends. Yes, surprisingly youDO have friends, mostly for your money, but you do have friends! Your ancestor was very RICH and caused YOU to be rich as well. Seriously, you have a large HIVE that looks more like a MANSION of sorts. Your LUSUS is very mysterious though. He always runs off, and when home, he just sleeps on his bed of money. Oh, and your Lusus is an ARMADILLO by the way. Although, for all your money, you are though NOT a HIGHBLOOD. HighBloods are fond of you though, some though (Fuchsia) are NOT and do not think it is "natural" for a JADE BLOOD to have this much money. Haters gonna fricking hate suckas! You have a huge hobby to BE RICH. Not much of a hobby, but yea, you are cocky. Like REALLY COCKY. You also call it a talent, skill, power, and ability. You have a goal to be ric- SUCCESS! No real goals anymore actually. Your ANCESTOR is THE BUSINESS, who was very wealthy, but was exiled by the royal butt heads in jealousy and fear. Your TROLLTAG is goldBrick and ¥ou ₮alk in a very ¢o¢ky ₥ann€r, u$ing any sor₮ of ¢urr€nc¥ $ymbol the ₥o₥€n₮ you ¢an.

Tell me what you think guys! WORKED HARD ON THE QUIRK

[Twobit]

the face is a bit misaligned, line the eyebrows/eyes/mouth up with the respective lines on this thingy - the cyan is for humans so just ignore that

also all the green may or may not be a little too much but idk, i think itd make all the rest of the green pop more if his teeth were just normal coloured except one gold one, maybe rip it off gamzees recent sprites?? idk thats what id do anyway
if the fuschiabloods didnt like something about this guy theyd just have him culled, and being rich isnt really a hobby even if he says it is - you can kill both these birds with one stone i think o: maybe he does something like a service or makes things for the empress/highbloods so that they are temporarily placated by the machine or painting or red meat or whatever. and man yes his quirk is rad B) overall hes a total cutie and good job

[dragonLights]

Your name is IETZOB ROUGUY and you are 7.38 SWEEPS OLD. You are also though named THE RICH ONE by many others, such as your friends. Yes, surprisingly youDO have friends, mostly for your money, but you do have friends! Your ancestor was very RICH and caused YOU to be rich as well. Seriously, you have a large HIVE that looks more like a MANSION of sorts. Your LUSUS is very mysterious though. He always runs off, and when home, he just sleeps on his bed of money. Oh, and your Lusus is an ARMADILLO by the way. Although, for all your money, you are though NOT a HIGHBLOOD. HighBloods are fond of you though, some though (Fuchsia) are NOT and do not think it is "natural" for a JADE BLOOD to have this much money. Haters gonna fricking hate suckas! You have a huge hobby to BE RICH. Not much of a hobby, but yea, you are cocky. Like REALLY COCKY. You also call it a talent, skill, power, and ability. You have a goal to be ric- SUCCESS! No real goals anymore actually. Your ANCESTOR is THE BUSINESS, who was very wealthy, but was exiled by the royal butt heads in jealousy and fear. Your TROLLTAG is goldBrick and ¥ou ₮alk in a very ¢o¢ky ₥ann€r, u$ing any sor₮ of ¢urr€nc¥ $ymbol the ₥o₥€n₮ you ¢an.

Tell me what you think guys! WORKED HARD ON THE QUIRK

completely flat. please come up with some sort of actual personality that's not strictly "money!!!" so he has money. alright. how did he get it? (it's extremely unlikely he'd be able to get anything from his ancestor.) what does he DO with it? why does it crave it so much? give him some depth or people are just going to be bored to death.

[Twobit]

i just kind of assumed hed found the money from his ancestor, isnt that how vriska got a lot of her loot? o:
but yeah thinking now i agree with giving him a little more motive for the things he does, and other stuff he likes and does maybe.

[dragonLights]

i just kind of assumed hed found the money from his ancestor, isnt that how vriska got a lot of her loot? o:
but yeah thinking now i agree with giving him a little more motive for the things he does, and other stuff he likes and does maybe.

vriska is a special case, due to sgrub (as are most of the canon trolls). most trolls think that specific "ancestors" don't even exist. i generally assume that trolls posted here are supposed to be for non-sgrub rp, which means that they are restricted by things such as not having any sort of contact/exchange with their ancestor, should they exist.

[Thunder Reign]

Your name is IETZOB ROUGUY and you are 7.38 SWEEPS OLD. You are also though named THE RICH ONE by many others, such as your friends. Yes, surprisingly youDO have friends, mostly for your money, but you do have friends! Your ancestor was very RICH and caused YOU to be rich as well. Seriously, you have a large HIVE that looks more like a MANSION of sorts. Your LUSUS is very mysterious though. He always runs off, and when home, he just sleeps on his bed of money. Oh, and your Lusus is an ARMADILLO by the way. Although, for all your money, you are though NOT a HIGHBLOOD. HighBloods are fond of you though, some though (Fuchsia) are NOT and do not think it is "natural" for a JADE BLOOD to have this much money. Haters gonna fricking hate suckas! You have a huge hobby to BE RICH. Not much of a hobby, but yea, you are cocky. Like REALLY COCKY. You also call it a talent, skill, power, and ability. You have a goal to be ric- SUCCESS! No real goals anymore actually. Your ANCESTOR is THE BUSINESS, who was very wealthy, but was exiled by the royal butt heads in jealousy and fear. Your TROLLTAG is goldBrick and ¥ou ₮alk in a very ¢o¢ky ₥ann€r, u$ing any sor₮ of ¢urr€nc¥ $ymbol the ₥o₥€n₮ you ¢an.

Tell me what you think guys! WORKED HARD ON THE QUIRK

Listen, I'll be completely honest with you, I thought this was a joke fantroll when I first read it. This is not a good troll.

Having a lot of money is not an acceptable main personality trait and it is not an acceptable main hobby unless you flesh it out A LOT MORE than what you have now. Your character is flatter than a cardboard cutout, and honestly, I find it incredibly hard to believe that this guy wouldn't have been murdered thrice over already for being a cocky shit with more or equal financial wealth than highbloods. "The Business" is an absurd name for an ancestor, and there is pretty much no way a jadeblood could amass more riches than the ruling caste without having been robbed blind or murdered at some point. That's simply how Alternia works!

While I don't think jadebloods can't be rich or that being greedy/financially obsessed is an inherently bad trait for trolls to have, you really need to put a lot more effort into fleshing this guy out and making him something more than what he is now.

Also: His face is misaligned, you might want to explain why his teeth are green, a literal dollar sign for a symbol is not a good idea and his quirk is possibly one of the most common there is.

[JGamer502]

I know, I fixed the face and now I am thinking up some things to fix his personality.

[kinala]

*sneaks into crit thread*

Hi, guys! :D Okay, so my little fantroll is hiding under the spoiler and I'd appreciate a little crit if anyone feels like giving any suggestions or pointers maybe? I'm pretty happy with her overall but I guess I just want her character to be a bit more... Eh, I don't know. Maybe I've missed something or not described something properly? Let me know pretty please. And do you think her pale thing is too out there? I just wanted her to be unique and I'd never seen that done before so I don't know if anyone else thinks it's like a taboo thing or whatever. Thanks in advance! ^_^

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Your name is KINALA OUROBI, but all of your friends call you KINA.

You are prone to PROCRASTINATION and LAZINESS. You also randomly break out into SONG, but have a CRAPPY VOICE. Your SONG MODUS requires that you sing a song containing the name of the object you wish to retrieve in order to release it. Even though creating lyrics is an inconvenient waste of time, you are generally happy with your modus.

Your personality could be best described as PASSIVE, but you are occasionally downright APATHETIC. This does not mean that you can not be PASSIONATE, only that you have yet to find something important enough to truly care about and fight for. Because of this, you like to avoid DIRECT CONFRONTATION, even though you are perfectly capable of defending yourself with both your sharp dagger and even sharper wit.

Your entire body is just a bit too PALE to be considered normal. The grey of your skin and even the warm colors of your eyes and horns are lighter than that of any troll you have ever seen. More noticeably, the wavy mass of hair on your head isn't even black. Instead, it's a dark shade of charcoal grey. This has lead you to think of yourself as a TOTAL FREAK. Furthermore, since before you can remember, your horns have been fused together above your head. Because the shape of your horns goes along with your symbol well, your horns don't bother you nearly as much as your coloring does. At least your abnormalities were much less prominent when you were younger, otherwise you may have been culled as a grub in the caverns.

For some reason, you can never seem to get warm enough. Wearing layers upon layers and dragging blankets around are the only things that keep you from the ubiquitous chill that seems to follow you like an icy shadow. Because this is something that you have lived with all of your life, it's not a terrible inconvenience. You really like being bundled up; the constant weight of heavy fabric on your frame makes you feel safe and happy.

You are quite the INTROVERT, but enjoy chatting with your few friends online. Your favorite things to do are read YOUNG ADULT FICTION and watch a wide variety of TELEVISION SHOWS. BBC Alternia is by far your favorite station. Troll Merlin, Troll Doctor Who, and Troll Sherlock give you all sorts of feels. You also love to DRAW and participate in various games, especially ROLEPLAYING GAMES. Having so many interests to feed, you are rarely bored.

Even though you don't actually have that many friends, you are ANNOYINGLY CLINGY to the friends you do have. You have a habit of messaging them too often and asking too many questions. You also tend to talk about yourself more than necessary, but do try to balance out your SLIGHTLY EGOTISTICAL nature by being as polite and courteous as you possibly can be. This has lead some other trolls to view you as WEAK, but you honestly don't care what anyone else thinks about you. Your own happiness and well-being are the most important things.

While you have no problem with highbloods in general, you do have a problem with trolls who use their high status as an excuse to bully lowbloods. Personally, you believe the hemocaste system to be terribly old-fashioned and completely unnecessary. You tend to be VERY PROTECTIVE of your lowblood friends when they are discriminated against.

All the reading that you have done has helped increase your vocabulary and overall intelligence to an above average level for your age. It has also turned you into both a DREAMER and a hopeless ROMANTIC, but you would never admit to being either of those things. You do have a reputation for being INDIFFERENT to EMOTIONAL KERFUFFLE to maintain, after all.

Your lusus is a BASILISK, and despite her terrifying appearance, she is a gentle and loving custodian. When you were younger, you named her Naga, which she seemed to find acceptable. Naga acts very motherly towards you and is very protective of you. Although Naga borders on smothering, you wouldn't trade her for the universe. You love her more than anything and don't know what you would do without her.

By your own choice, you live in a communal hive stem in the middle of one of the few cities on Alternia. The city is mostly inhabited by lowbloods, but you don't mind. Your hive is rather small and little bit cluttered, but it is also practical for your INACTIVE and ANTISOCIAL lifestyle, and that's really all that matters - to you, anyway.

Your trolltag is dovishSerpentes [DS] and you type with a sslight hissssing lissp to match the one you exhibit in persson. You use no punctuation or capitalization because you simply don't have time for such trivial things, even though you really do.

TL;DR

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Name: Kinala Ourobi

Species: Troll
Gender: Female
Age: 8.5 Solar Sweeps

Blood Color: Teal (#008282)
Symbol: Inverted Ouroboros
Lusus: Basiliskmom (Naga)

Trolltag: dovishSerpentes [DS]
Fetch Modus: Song Modus
Strife Specibus: Daggerkind

God Tier Title: Maid of Mind
Dream Planet: Derse
Planet: Land of Serpents and Murk

Self Status: Post-Scratch
Ancestor: The Tetulary
Dancestor: Sairan Ourobi

*sneaks out of crit thread*

EDITS
1. added tl;dr in spoiler below description
2. added mention of horns in description

[*Sigh*]

I'll be honest, I'm not big on literary crits, but as an artistic critic I have to say those horns bother me, they way they're connected like that. I'm not sure how common that sort of thing is, but if I had to wager a guess I'd say it's probably not common at all.

I did skim the description and nothing is mentioned of them, perhaps you could put in a quick blurb about how they got fused together like that?

[kinala]

I'll be honest, I'm not big on literary crits, but as an artistic critic I have to say those horns bother me, they way they're connected like that. I'm not sure how common that sort of thing is, but if I had to wager a guess I'd say it's probably not common at all.

I did skim the description and nothing is mentioned of them, perhaps you could put in a quick blurb about how they got fused together like that?

Okay, I guess I can put a little something about them in there. That wasn't one of the things I was really worried about, but I can see where you're coming from. I just wanted her horns to kinda resemble her symbol like troll horns do. I don't really know if a couple horns fusing is too much weirder than a troll having more than one pair of horns, like a few fantrolls a canon trolls, ya know? But yeah, thanks man. :3

[Sandvich King]

@Kinala
The biggest thing I have to say about her isn't necessarily an inherent flaw, more like just a red flag. In short, she has a lot of traits that could be described as snakey, and snaketrolls are way overdone.

Basically, throughout the time that fantrolls have been a thing, people have had the impulse to make trolls that are snake themed. It looks like Kinala's your only troll, so you probably haven't been fantrolling long enough to pick up on that. They're typically midbloods with a snake-like lusus, snakey symbol, and a "hissss" quirk like what Kinala has. A lot of other common things include an interest in poisons, snake-like eyes and tongue, and a couple other things, but I'm glad not to see those features on Kinala.

A few snakey aspects can be alright if they're not too "in your face," but if you go too heavy on the theme then people will start rolling their eyes at her. First-off, I'd recommend changing the quirk. It's the most blatant "snaketroll" giveaway there is, plus a typing quirk and trolltag are easy aspects of a character to modify. Not really sure about the lusus though, that's your call. Also keep in mind that "ouroboros," the thing that her last name and symbol are based on, is already a theme of the canon cherubs.

Luckily, she seems to have other things going for her as well. If you ease up on the snake theme and focus more on different things, she can probably be made a more solid and interesting character.

[kinala]

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@Kinala
The biggest thing I have to say about her isn't necessarily an inherent flaw, more like just a red flag. In short, she has a lot of traits that could be described as snakey, and snaketrolls are way overdone.

Basically, throughout the time that fantrolls have been a thing, people have had the impulse to make trolls that are snake themed. It looks like Kinala's your only troll, so you probably haven't been fantrolling long enough to pick up on that. They're typically midbloods with a snake-like lusus, snakey symbol, and a "hissss" quirk like what Kinala has. A lot of other common things include an interest in poisons, snake-like eyes and tongue, and a couple other things, but I'm glad not to see those features on Kinala.

A few snakey aspects can be alright if they're not too "in your face," but if you go too heavy on the theme then people will start rolling their eyes at her. First-off, I'd recommend changing the quirk. It's the most blatant "snaketroll" giveaway there is, plus a typing quirk and trolltag are easy aspects of a character to modify. Not really sure about the lusus though, that's your call. Also keep in mind that "ouroboros," the thing that her last name and symbol are based on, is already a theme of the canon cherubs.

Luckily, she seems to have other things going for her as well. If you ease up on the snake theme and focus more on different things, she can probably be made a more solid and interesting character.

Okey dokey, thanks for that! I only really made her a tealblood because of my crush on admiration for Terezi and I made her snake-themed 'cause I like snakes and have a few pet ones, even though I knew a few other people might have already done snakey trolls too. I tried to stay away from looking at other fantrolls while I was making her, though, 'cause I didn't want to pick up overdone things on accident. I wanted to keep her original, but now I guess I should have at least looked up red flags? Her symbol was just kinda in my mind cause I had just finished FMA and the two things just clicked together. I made her before I got to the part of Homestuck where the cherubs show up, but I didn't really feel like changing her once I got all caught up. God, I'm lazy. >.<

But, yeah, I'll look into working with her quirk. Maybe capitalize all her o's or something, I don't know. I don't want her to have too much going on.

[The Chosen One]

Just gonna sliiiide this in here again.

The profile I posted in Trollslum 10:

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Be The Chosen One

Your name is HEIRON GNOMON, and you are 8 sweeps old. You heard somewhere this would be an important time for you, and you HAPPEN TO PUT GREAT STOCK IN RUMOR AND DESTINY.

While you are of the PENULTIMATE BLOOD CASTE, you feel a strong urge to PROTECT THE WEAK AND INNOCENT when opportunity arises, regardless of context and the admittedly justifiable, you think, social customs therein. This is due to your position as the CHOSEN ONE OF THE ANCIENT PROPHECIES, as well as your somewhat related DEVOTION TO ALL THAT IS VALIANT AND VALOROUS. Through these, you have studied extensively the tales of the CLASSIC HEROES OF OLD, and have taken note of their METHODS, and to a somewhat greater extent, their GLARING FLAWS which tend to force awkward character development subplots. You have resolved to correct for these flaws ahead of time, during your training, instead. Incidentally, you are an EXCEPTIONAL FLARP PLAYER WITH MANY ALLIES. All of whom owe you favors.

Your trusty SEACORN LUSUS has never backed down from a challenge, to your abilities nor to your station, NOR HAS IT ALLOWED YOU TO DO SO. Not that you would ever think of doing so, of course!

You proudly carry your SWORD OF DESTINY/SHIELD OF FATE allocated to your BLADE/SHIELDKIND SPECIBUS. No weapon is more noble and heroic than the sword! (nor, as proverb would have it, nearly as double edged) Currently, you WEAR A BLINDFOLD to enhance your other senses, as part of your MYSTIC TRAINING AS PROPHESIED BY AN ANCIENT ORDER OF THE, UH, LEGENDARY...HALLS. Whoever they are, the cloth BEARS THEIR MARK and though their words are as cryptic as they are vague, they have not led you astray yet!

As with any self-respecting quest-goer, you use the KNAPSACK FETCH MODUS to its full potential. It is capable of freely storing 32 found objects (though the storage capacity doubles upon upgrade) and also contains a yet-unknown number of pouches reserved for certain items predestined to be vital to your success.

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Name: Heiron Gnomon
Blood: Purple, #920092
Sign: Sun
Hemospectrum?: Feels sorta pressured into it, and while it does seem to be working on a practical level, for Troll society and all, he just feels a higher obligation to sort things into Good and Evil, though then again these are the Troll versions of the concepts.
Lusus: Sea Unicorn
Specibus: Blade/Shieldkind
Modus: Knapsack
Interests: Stories of Troll knights and travelling warriors, and their heroic deeds and adventures. Storming the dragon, slaying the princess, saving the castle, you know. Standard stuff.
Trolltag: destinyCompliant
Quirk: In accordance with prophecy, you tend to make it clear that your current lofty station was preordained by an ancient and undeniable force.

Title: Heir of Light
Moon: Derse
Planet: Land of Tomes and Discs
Denizen: Thoth

Some thematic notes:

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He's basically a pre-antihero with an eclipse motif.
A Gnomon is the upright part of a sundial which casts a shadow. This ties into the Land, the horn, and his destiny to fail his aspect, Light. His sign is that of the Sun, but his Denizen, Thoth, is tied to the Moon, as well as the mediation of Good and Evil.
In fact, if I ever did write a SGRUB story for him, I'd include a split timeline thing wherein his two predestined future selves each try to sway him to validate their own existence as part of the alpha timeline.

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Which I just realized is the plot of Noein but it's a good one so whatever.

I know there are several things wrong less-than-perfect with regards to the sprite (shoes, symbol, etc) but I'm not too concerned with those as I don't plan on using the sprite for anything else any time soon. I would like to hear some opinions about the armour (I spent a lot of time on it) but I'm more focused on the character himself than the art.

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Dat codpiece?

[genericGuy]

Alright, so that's my troll. I was a little concerned about eye/mouth placement since this is my first try. I thought it looked pretty good, but I could use another eye on that. And his aspect looks a little too much like the green sun? I'd intended for him to be a void player, and combined with the general apathy I thought a circle would be quick and to the point, but...now I'm not so sure. So, suggestions there would be nice too.

As far as the characterization goes, I was gunning for a troll who puts stock in the hemospectrum, but is kinda jaded by his lower position on it, but after I read it through I thought he might come through a little one dimensional on the apathy front. So. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now.

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Be the BORED TROLL ==>
You are now the BORED TROLL! If you weren’t so done with this shit, you would say that your name is NEFETH AITURM and you are 7 SWEEPS OLD! He would probably also tell that he spends most of his days being APATHETIC and HARASSING those lower on the HEMOSPECTRUM for NO GOOD REASON. In fact, even your closest friends would describe you as KIND OF AN ASSHOLE. Your LUSUS probably wouldn’t stand for that, if she wasn’t a USELESS CAT. In fact, you spend most of your time ALONE wishing you were HIGHER on the HEMOSPECTRUM than OLIVE, which is ALRIGHT but NOT GREAT. If you were HIGHER than you could really have an IMPORTANT JOB and BE IMPORTANT.

If you continued to not be terribly bored, which you, of course, still are, then you might start to talk about your INTERESTS which include BEING APATHETIC and SOLITARY ACTIVITIES like READING and SLEEPING. Of course, you have been known to shake off your LETHARGY for bouts of EXTREME ROLEPLAYING where you get to be HIGHLY POWERFUL and IMPORTANT. Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is BOOKKIND and your trolltag is apatheticEnnui. You tend to speak quickly (and append tangentially relevant things to the end of your sentences)

And this is my kid. Again glasses/mouth placement might be a bit off, but I think I like the bio a little better. Anyway, let me know what you think.

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Be the sharp-dressed kid ==>

You are now the sharp-dressed kid! Your name is JACK MULLEN and you are 15 YEARS OLD. You have a VARIETY of INTERESTS, but nothing can get between you and a good CRIME STORY. You like to fashion yourself a HARDBOILED DUDE, but in reality you are PRETTY NICE and NOT AT ALL CYNICAL. If you aren’t enjoying a CRIME STORY then you tend to be ON THE INTERNET with FRIENDS. You tend to BELIEVE WHATEVER THEY SAY, since it isn’t really your place to judge other’s lives, ESPECIALLY if you DON’T LIVE NEAR THEM.

Some people might be lonely being a SINGLE CHILD with ALOOF and BUSY parents, but YOU AREN’T, due to your ONLINE FRIENDS and faithful CRIME STORIES. Nope. NOT AT ALL LONELY despite the LACK OF ADVENTURE in your life. You certainly don’t wish you were a character in one of your STORIES, complete with DAMES and SMOOTH TALKING CRIMINALS, because that would be SILLY.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is 1xPISTOLKIND, as is befitting a HARDBOILED DUDE and your chumhandle is [color=blue]looseCannon.[/coloi]